The End of September

Friday, September, 26th 2008 at 11:55am

Angel is still asleep and Crusifer has gone to work... It’s quiet and dark, and I have little inclination to change that. Something is altering Crusifer’s behavior... I think it might be the recent fights he’s been in and his co-workers’ behavior, which is grimier than ever.
Him coming home late hasn’t been much of a problem since SFX, because he was always sorry, and it was never of his own volition, and he was always so sweet and affectionate when he got home. But it hasn’t been like that the past few times. In fact, it started last week Wednesday, nine days ago.
He said he’d be gone fifteen minutes, and was gone eight hours. He never told me why, and every time I’ve asked he got this really solemn look and would say “not now.” Not now, of course, means not ever. And then last Friday I believe it was, he came home around four in the morning, he didn’t talk about that either. Both Monday and Tuesday he was very late (Tuesday was another two in the morning) and both times he said he’d been in a fight.
Wednesday, Angel, Crusifer, my mom and I all went to Niagra Falls on the Canadian side and road on the maid of the mist. That was fun, and of course, Crusifer didn’t go anywhere then, because, well, where could he go? (I can just hear you chuckling, ha, ha, ha.)
Then last night, again he came home late. Only midnight that time, and he brought tea up for the both of us. But after that kind gesture he went on to being distant. He left for work this morning at 11:50am, even though work doesn’t start until 1:00pm. Why does he need and hour and ten minutes for a five minute bike ride? He says generally people get there at 12:30pm, but still, why leave the half hour earlier then? He used to leave at 12:45pm, and then after half a year of that, he started leaving at 12:30pm, and after another half a year of that he started leaving at 12:20pm or 12:15pm, and now, in these last three months he’s been leaving at noon, but starting just this last week he’s been out of my bedroom before noon day after day.
And what’s worse is that his coming home is no better. When he began he came home every night at 11:05pm, sometimes right at 11:00pm. Every now and then he’d get off early and be home by 10:30pm. That happens like once in a blue moon now... I feel like the second wife. I’m the back-up singer to his work.
This morning, he brought me tea, and spent perhaps ten minutes beside me, where I touched him without much vise versa at all, and when I asked him if he would touch me just for a little bit he said, “Nope, I have tattoos to do, so enjoy your tea.” No “goodbye” and no “I love you” and no “have a nice day” or anything. Not even a “good luck on your driving test.” I feel so entirely betrayed this morning. I was so stunned and hurt that I didn’t say anything back. I just stared dumbly after him as he went down the stairs.
Worst of all? He had no need to be in a hurry at 11:50am. There won’t be tattoos to do until 1:00pm or later. He’s demonstrating to me how not important I am again. The short break from this pain is over it seems. I had my hopes because he hasn’t been drinking and because he talks about marriage more than I do and because he would greet me first when he got home for a long while there... He was coming home on time for a long while, perhaps an entire two months? Without my chart it’s hard to say.
I’m tempted to make a new chart. I stopped bothering with it because I believed that my feelings were telling me enough truth without the evidence of the chart. I felt that I didn’t need the chart to tell me how to feel about my relationship. But the hard evidence of time spent and actions done is such a good reality check... So far this week, not one day has he arrived at 11:05pm.


9/26/08
PS: Last night he unplugged the lamp instead of turning the switch and told me he’d plug it back in when the morning came, but he didn’t. Also he didn’t stir the honey into the tea. He’s so remote from me that it’s scary. What’s odd is that Matt became remote about a week before Crusifer did. And I noticed about a month ago, when I asked my mom to help me with the Japanese symbols, that she’s grown remote from me too. I feel like I’m stuck searching inside myself for something to keep me settled and okay, constantly fighting my own current to try and find the source of my own streams. I’m not being pushed in any direction, but rather, I’ve been let go and am drifting, drifting...
He left all his stuff out again too. I’m a maid and a sex whore. Always good to know.






































Monday, September, 29th 2008 at 11:32am

It seems like Crusifer is losing patience with me or something along those lines. Like he just can’t tolerate me. The things I’ve been doing and saying for the last few months are suddenly a problem... Not so much of a big problem, but little annoyances.
He’s gotten incredibly moody. One moment he’ll be happy with me, praising me, and the next he is yelling at me and turning his back to me. I might have been wrong to have hope. Maybe he’s not really changing as much as I thought he was?
But he hasn’t been drinking. Is that lack of opportunity? Or is it his will that is keeping him from doing it? Is he trying to quit once and for all? It’s hard to say. I’ve experiences too many relapses with him to know what will last and what won’t.
I’ve come to wish he wouldn’t bring me tea... I mean, I still appreciate it, but he’s gotten so bitter about me. He’ll use it against me, and I can’t stand that. Do I use having sex with him every day against him? Is that how he sees it?
I hope I have my period today. I can’t afford to be pregnant.

Tuesday, September, 30th 2008 at 12:43pm

By the by, any feelings I had beyond friendship towards Matt have entirely dissipated. There are a number of reasons for this, including the passing of time, realizing his position fully, realizing the complete incompatibility, observing his appearance enough in earnest to realize how I wouldn’t be the least bit interested in any physical encounter, and also the size of his ego. In short, Matt is of a category that I’ve met few of: worthy, but not my type.
Of course, before, during and after my “crush” on Matt has been the underlying fact that I’m in a relationship. This fact has kept me from making any rash decisions to an adequate degree. I just thought I’d mention that.
Angel is likely on her flight right now. My mother and I went to the airport with her early this morning to see her onto her 10:00 o’clock flight. We saw her through the checking in part and up to the place where they check your bags and then it was time to say goodbye. No tears or anything like that, just some hugs. She never completely overcame her shyness.
















Comments:

2008-09-26 17:11:00 Maliger - poetsespresso@gmail.com

It sounds like Crusifer is hiding something otherwise he'd tell you what's going on. If he's hiding something it could be one of many things, it's good to not rule out any possibility till it's known but he could be addicted to something and it could be affecting him, or it could be he's got problems with other people he's trying to work out in an unconventional way, or it could be he's meeting with someone that you'd be jealous of, or it could be he's trying to work out some problem like debt or maybe he's even lost his job and is looking for a new one and didn't want you to know. Whatever it is tell him that "if you have something troubling you let me know, and I can tell that you're hiding something so tell me now, people in relationships are supposed to be honest with each other!"
http://rainflowers.org


2008-09-29 19:17:44 Nicole - nicholeia@hotmail.com

I'm sending you positive vibes and thinking about you. I really hope it gets better for you two, you have so much love in your heart for him.
http://bliss-sad.diaryland.com


Malinger,
I think it's most likely: "he has problems with other people he's trying to work out in an unconventional way" He doesn't need to cheat, and he's already has been struggling with drinking which he's been improving in and he very clearly wasn't drunk each of the these last times. And I know his job is secure, because I've called him at his job number, and he rants about his co-workers and all of that. (And I’ve seen him at work recently.) I think something is going on with the people he knows that is affecting him emotionally... But I have no way to prove it or bring it out of him without (likely) causing an argument.
I do think that it would be a good idea to remind him to be honest with me however.

Nicole,
I can always use positive vibes! He’s being sweet to me again this morning, but he was late again last night. He says it was because El was having problems with Ivan and that El is moving out and that El needed some help. I don’t know if it was for moral support or for physical labor, but either way Crusifer got home around one in the morning.












Tuesday, September, 30th 2008 at 7:19pm

The last thing I really need right now is to start questioning myself again.

September 26th, 2008, Matt writes;
“Looks like I'm seriously out of it. You said I'm acting different, ash seems to have noticed and she hasn't even know me for nearly as long. I've noticed, god-dammit. I'm over-stressed and was unwilling to realize it. I keep catching myself saying that I can handle things but I can't. I only realized this today when you finally mentioned online that I'm different. I'm over-stressed. I can't do all of the things I need to or want to. I need to start allowing people to do things for me. I need to stop biking so much. I need to eat more. I need to do less. My foot is bruised, my leg is in two places. Last night I woke up with cramps in both legs. they were so bad I started to whimper before they subsided. It couldn't have just been the cramps, I wouldn't reach so low a level from just pain. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I caught myself craving salt this morning. I need to go get something healthy to drink.
I want to start nanowrimo now so I have something to set my mind to and just go with it. I want to participate with other people and just talk about stories. I want to watch anime. I want to play video games. I want to go to sleep. I want Chris to stop his suicidal temptations and go to college. I want people to be decisive, I want to be able to say whatever the hell I want to whomever I want whenever I want and I want them to understand me. I want them to disagree for the right reasons. I want to reach the same relationship status I have with Chris and you with everyone else. I don't want to have to prove myself, and I don't want people to constantly prove themselves to me. So many people deserve more than they are getting and some sadly so. I want some people to just go away. I want others to just stay where they are. I think I need a home, a real home, a place where I don't need to worry about where I am or what I'm doing. I am not entirely free anywhere. I see Chris's problem now. Its not just that video games have destroyed his concept of reality. He is genuinely a slave all the time. There is nowhere he can go where he is free. Everywhere there is some restriction in some way. He always uses ridiculous examples but he has a valid point. Is this what that whole "coming of age" thing is about? Losing your roots? I see now why that's such a good metaphor. I want to reach a certain place, so I cut off my roots, for a while now I seem to be flowing in the current trying to use it and fight it until I land where I want.”
Well, isn’t that pretty damn familiar? It all sounds like things I’ve said really. I said to Matt;
“You have a similar problem as I. And especially the way you're expressing it here... That's actually why I'm not in college. Or at least a very large part of why I’m not in college. I once went to school, worked, dealt with an unhealthy relationship, friendless, and I ended up losing myself in drugs and self hatred and depression until everything just fell apart. From then on, I decided to keep "extras" out of my life.”
He said, “friends help a lot.”
I scoff and say, “Well, real friends help a lot, fake friends multiply all of your problems. And I've had enough fake friends for about six life times. And recently I've decided I want extra "stuff" and in, physical possessions out of my life as well.
He says, “I like.” This is his way of saying ‘I agree with what you’re saying for once.’
I say, “I see this house and I think, ‘this has so much EXTRA STUFF getting in the way of LIVING!’ And of course, it's my mom's stuff really, but she's 60, so of course she has a lot of old stuff. I may not have as much by any stretch, but I don't want to ever have that much stuff, ever.”
He says, “I like,” again.
“And,” I continue, “I don't want any where near as much stuff going on in my life as you do either. Having you in my life, and perhaps having Angel as well has filled up the social gap in my life just fine. You have a lot of extra going on. And the complicate things, you have so many ambitions that you want MORE extra. And of course, if there were say 200 hours in a day, you would treat everything equally and give your all to every aspect of your life, but clearly there are only 24 hours in a day, and you need to sleep for 8 of them.”
He says, sidetracking, “Chris gave me some of the best advice i've gotten and he didn't even give me advice, he just did what he usually does. but i realized some things that i've been implementing and its working well.”
“What's that?” I ask.
“Mostly accepting hospitality... I don't even consider whether or not I might be intruding. Given how hospitable I act and that I don't ever feel that people are intruding on me, it makes sense.” He answers.
After some conversation digress I say, “I've been thinking about my total lack of roots recently as well. I have no culture, I have no background. I mean, obviously I do, but not in that fulfilling or prideful sense.”
“I dunno, you seem like you have a home,” He says, seemingly looking at ‘roots’ in a completely different way than I was. “You actually seem to have a lot of influence about what goes on there as far as living is concerned... We have different problems in that sense, but they're two aspects of the same basic need I think... You have a place you can just go and live in, eat what you want, and hang out as you please... you can customize and personalize, but you lack some kind of identity it seems.”
“Yeah, I have influence, but limited,” I say.
“Whereas all I have is identity,” he concludes.
“I see your point. I lack a role more than an identity...”
“From what my brother told me,” Matt says, “It’s usually natural to feel alienated from your home for all of your 20s. and by the end of them you usually make your own... From what he tells me i just have to weather the storm and make sure I don’t break.”
“I want to make my own unique path, but since I'm making my own path, it leaves me with no role. I don't so much feel alienated from home, but from the world itself.”
“Meh,” He says, “Sounds like you need to go backpacking sometime :P Just leave with no car, parents, or plans...”
“Impossible unfortunately.”
“Bah lies!” He says.
“You remember that walking back from Delaware park I was so dizzy I could barely walk? Imagine that while carrying a back pack fully of necessities?”
He says, “The thing I think you may have too much is a plan. You plan a lot of things, make clear goals, and as we've already decided, goals can never be fully reached. It’s not the backpacking that I'm suggesting. It’s the lack of plans.”
“My plan seems to be constantly changing. And it drives me crazy that I have to constantly rework it,” I say.
“Yea, what if you had no plan, and just did something and then looked at what came out,” he suggests.
“I tried that,” I counter. “I played video games and isolated myself more than I ever have in my entire life for like five months.”
He laughs and says, “So you had no plan, and did nothing.”
“Yep.”
“Thats different from my suggestion,” he says, though I still don’t see how really. “I said have no plan and do something. As an artist you should have a great understanding of that concept.”
I shake my head, completely disagreeing, “You plan to finish college, don't you?”
He chuckles and answers, “My plans as far as that is concerned are interesting. I expect to, but I don't plan on it. Remember how I always refuse to say what I think I'll be doing in a year or so? I refuse to plan that far ahead.”
“I'm not sure how wise I think that is. That might be a small part of your stress is feeling like you have no destination. My lack of destination is often what makes me depressed,” I answer.
“I think there's a certain amount that you just have to play by ear. Things are always going to be happening and you as a person will change, so to plan so far ahead I think is a bad idea. I know that i'm getting somewhere because i'm walking (in the metaphoric sense). I think you need to just look around when you finally end up somewhere. I have a destination, I just didn't choose it yet. Since you can't see where your going in life if you try and plan your destination you're going to get lost.”
“All plans change,” I say matter-of-factly, “That's why you make back-up plans, and expect the worst. Anyway, I'm thinking more and more than I want to make an income mostly so that I can say I have one. And since I have no real pressure to get a job, it's giving me the freedom to MAKE my own income the way I want to do it. So I plan to spend at least 3hrs a day from now on doing something that is working towards a career of some sort. Mainly my board game, but I'm also going to finally do something with e-bay. Yep, plans. I don't do non-planning. Every time I tried it, I ended up depressed. Your theory works in theory, but for me, not in actuality. Like communism.”
Matt answers in detail, “You should never say you "don’t do" anything. That kind of antagonism against even trying is the source of all of the conservatism that you hate so much. You don’t want to follow the path of GW Bush do you? The ability to adapt and change is exactly what has brought the human race to where it is. That's the basis behind Darwinism. From what you've told me, you not planning is still associated unfairly with laziness.
“I "don't do" because I tried it and didn't like the results, it's called learning from your mistakes. In regards to laziness I consider not planning part of laziness in most people.”
“I still don't know how you can draw when you plan everything you do,” He continues. “Don't you ever just start drawing and see where it goes? You make decisions on what you want in your work based on how the picture has been coming together. The end result is a real piece of art isn’t it? If you planned out your works to the finest details or even to some of the more basic details like pose or clothes, the drawing would likely suck, since you would be trying to put to paper some ideal drawing from your own mind. I’m sure you know that no idea can be perfectly expressed.”
“Almost always when I don't plan a drawing first, it sucks. Most of the artworks of mine you scoffed at were things that I didn't plan,” I answer.
“Have I ever told you one of my favorite quotes?” He asks. The quote: “Irrespective of the authenticity of the message, what remains pertinent is the message itself, and to who it was addressed by virtue of the manner in which it was presented to those who are enlightened.”
I agree with the quote, but then, it’s not really related to the argument, so I didn’t comment on it. He elaborated on the meaning of the quote, “What all that needlessly wordy jargon says is, it doesn't matter what some originally intends or means, all that matters in the real world is what tangibly results from their expression. It doesn't matter what you plan, it matters what actually gets done and what happens. So why try and make your actions exactly match your dreams? When you could be creating dreams? No writer ever lives the lives of a character in their book, they live their lives, so why should you try and live the idealistic life that you have planned out for yourself when you very well realize that achieving it is impossible.”
I still don’t feel that the quote really supported his point, so I still didn’t remark on it.
“I know some of the things I’ve just said may contradict things I’ve said in the past,” he says, “But these are the views I currently hold and I find them to be wiser than before. So don't go telling me I’m contradicting myself here. I told you that I want to constantly reform and improve so here I am.”
“Of course nothing is ever perfect. Stop saying that as if I don't get that. I plan, but I don't expect my plans to actually go through. I think up ideal ways of doing things in my mind, adapting when those ideals fail is the difference between success and failure. Adapting is key, of course, but without the initial plans, things suck. You don't have to remind me that you want to constantly revise and reform your ideas, because so do I. You don't have to tell me that plans fall through and that adapting is necessary, because every plan I've ever made has fallen through, and then I adapted it, until it worked.”
“Yea, but you still plan regardless, that’s the point,” he says. “I dunno, I think success is just constant flux and adaptation.”
I sigh, getting annoyed, “For example, if I plan what I'm going to wear the night before, I take less time fretting in the morning. If I have to adapt for weather, so be it. (I'm referring to times when I have to get up and be somewhere in the morning.) It's almost like your saying ‘what happens, happens, so just don't try anything.’ I know that's not what you're saying, but that's how you're coming off.”
“No, what happens; happens so try everything and all the time.”
“My Dad likes to adventure,” I say, ignoring his completely impossible and illogical statement, “And to not plan. He plans to not plan everything. My Mom plans to plan everything down to the last detail. They both fail, because they're both too extreme. My mom makes five different back-up plans and wastes time that could be spent DOing, by planning and planning. My Dad misses out on doing all sorts of awesome things by not planning to make time to do them.
“My theory? Make a flexible plan that allows for lots of "free time" in between so that things can have time to pop up. How can you argue with that?”
“I think I’m biased because I know Chris and I’ve seen what he's capable of doing without any thought beforehand,” Matt says.
“Not everyone is capable of amazing things without forethought,” I say in complete exasperation.
“Only because they're caught in this system they create where things requires forethought.”
“One out of ten times when I do something unplanned it's brilliant, the other nine times it's worse than average,” I say, with examples flowing through my head like wild rabbits.
“If you free yourself from your own predispositions then you can be free,” he says.
“That's like saying ‘if you take all the world's expectations off your actions, then you'll be yourself.’ Duh. I'm not arguing that sometimes lack of planning brings brilliant things. I'm not arguing that adventuring is fun. I'm not saying everything should be planned down to the last detail. I'm saying that in my experience and from what people have shown me and said to me from their experience, things overall worked out better when there was some sort of plan involved.”
“They worked out satisfactorily im sure, but I aspire to brilliance, not quiet mediocrity.”
At this point, he’s clearly not seeing what I’m getting at. If I just start doodling on a piece of paper, nine out of ten times it’s trash, just complete trash. Not “satisfactory” at all. Unplanned days are average, or boring, or suck. Perhaps an “unplanned adventure” can be fun and brilliant, but you still have to plan to have the unplanned adventure in the first place. But clearly Matt isn’t getting this at all. I change tactic and say;
“Mary Kay Ash, for example, a woman who started a multi-million dollar business after she was fifty years old, wrote a book which I read. She said something that really stuck out to me. She said, come up with a goal, and then make up a road map to that goal. Constantly adjust your road map to get there and work everyday to get there. The alternative? Keep doing the same thing every day and never get the things you want out of life. But as I already said, nine out of ten times, unplanned things turn out to suck. For me anyway.”
“Have they worked?” he asks.
“Often not. Especially unplanned art.” In fact, I didn’t mention this to him, but often I plan when I’m going to draw, and if I’ll be using color or pencil. So what? I’ve created many more “successful” things while pressuring myself to do it at a certain time a certain way than I ever have by just throwing things on the paper whenever struck my fancy.
“Also, the people I’ve met in my life who've gotten what they were searching for in life were all, as you might guess, not famous, and generally very poor,” Matt says. “If you want to base your life philosophy off of the words of someone who achieved great economic success that is your choice, but I don’t know if that’s the path I would ever want to take.”
“I want a loving affectionate husband,” I say, feeling like a broken record, “Two to four children I can teach day in and day out, and enough money to live without financial stress. That's what will make me say ‘I've gotten what I've been searching for.’ Mary Kay Ash's book is a very good, very short book. I only read it because it was a gift and because it was short, but I ended up liking it. Just skip the two chapters about god and it's full of wonderful advice. In terms of personal happiness, I might have met one family in my lifetime that achieved a very high level of personally happiness. You met D at the ice cream shop. She's the mother of that family.”
“I think eventually I will get married and have a family,” Matt says, “I think I’ll end up being a professor or analyst somewhere, but I don't plan on any of those things. I take the classes in college that I enjoy, not that I think I’ll need. that’s why im not taking economics next semester and plan on learning arabic. I’m comforted by the fact that my classes are likely to eventually result in practical applications but I’m learning because I want to learn. I’ll see where I end up when I get there, in the meantime I’m just going.”
I sigh, “I get your point. Do I have to say ‘I get your point’ for you to get that I get your point? I'm not even saying that it won't work for you. I'm saying it won't work for me.”
“Why not though?”
I have a moment there where I want to throw my hands up in the air and be done with it. Have I not just explained five or six times why?
“I am making a board game. And if I don't plan to finish the thing, and if I don't plan to work on it each and every day, and push myself to work on it, then I won't do it. I've started project after project, and never finished any of them. I never finished a story, I never finished anything career wise. I've not gotten married yet. I barely finished high school in a sense. And I've not made it to college. In all of these cases, it was because my interests changed. My interests change and change and change and change, and if I don't plan to force myself to stick with certain things and how I'm going to stick with them, then I'll just keep reading the first chapter of every book in the world and never actually read a whole book in my entire life.
“It comes back to balance,” I continue. “You need a rough outline, or you're going to get lost. But if you have a detailed map, it's going to be a waste of time, because four steps later you'll need to change half of it.”
“If you aren't naturally motivated to do these things, then it sounds to me like they aren’t really what you want,” he says.
“Indeed. I want a family. But since I'm 19 and can't afford one, I have to force myself to want something else. I have to want money, and want to do something to make money, in order to be accepted and in order to pass the time until I can have a family. So I have to want to do something enough that I don't mind doing it day in and day out to make money off of it.”
“I dunno, I’m sure about that logic, I’m not sure if its dead wrong or maybe on the right track, but im not sure about it” he says.
“Neither am I in that particular case, but what else can I do? I can't get pregnant now. So I'm trying to settle my relationship into a marriage... But half the time that doesn't even look like it's working!”
“That’s what I’ve been pushing the whole time. I don’t question your choice in changing the priority away from family, I just question the new priorities.”
“And I have no back-up plan (yep, no plan, no plan, no plan.......) for what I'll do if things don't work out with him. Family is always 1st, aside from my health which is .01st. But since I can't do anything about that... I have to create a 2nd that works.”
And so that’s what I’m trying to do. The major problem right now is that I don’t feel like working on the board game at all, but if I don’t get back to it, then I’ll just be starting over again on doing something else, and this really might be the ticket. I’ve invested too much time, effort, money and thought to just give up on it, but at the same time, I’m so tired of working on it and not yet getting to play it!
And then I start doubting myself, about if it’s worth-it to keep working on it, if it’s worth the added cost and time it will take, if anyone will actually ever play with me, if I’ll ever receive any payoff other than having it sit on my shelf... Ext. The doubt is the worst...
I need a new book to read, I’m tired of thinking about my life.