Writing in Notepad

7/19/08
July, 19th, 2008 at 4:15am

Well this is just dandy. Writing in notepad. I'd love to put the word "notepad" in italtics, but you see, I can't, because I'm writing in notepad. And I refuse to use capitals or stars for emphasis instead, because, well, that's just not cool. Why the hell am I in notepad? That's a long story I don't feel like writing about...
Sleeping beside me on the bed is Crusipher. He arrived less than two hours ago at two-thirty in the morning. I don't really have any notion as to why he was out. I didn't even ask. I'm tired of explaining and arguing. Slowly I'm giving up. I can feel parts of myself letting go of my dreams with him. I don't think he fully understands that every night he's out, with the boys, drinking, and not even calling me to let me know he'll be late, that a part of my future with him dies. A future night with him full of laughing and happiness is squashed along side the night that is squashed today. And it's not just double fold, because there will be another night of regret, another night of tears, another night without the health that youth held and squandered... Eight times he will suffer for the foolishness he lives today, and that in itself hurts me to no end.
I'm really by no means ready to leave him. I care too much for that still. I hope too much. We've been in the early stages of break up for months. The denial within me has lasted the last six months. I kept believing in marriage. I still talk about it, dream about it, wish for it, but it seems to be slipping further and further out of reach. I see improvements in his attitude that make me believe again, but I'm always less surprised when the fruits are no sweater than last week, last month...
He is beautiful. His art is beautiful. He takes care of me financially, if not emotionally. He's fun to be around. When we're together we can accomplish ten-fold what we could on our own. Our knowledge and desires compliment each other. Our sex is passionate, fulfilling, interesting, enjoyable and blissful. Our conversations are earnest and heart-felt. When he is here with me, then he's here for me, but when he's not here with me, he's as distant as the moon...
I dreamed last night of being single-ish again. The dream was confused at some points. I remember clearly being curled up with some white-guy and thinking he was devilishly sexy for a white guy. He had an actual face, which is odd for dream-strangers. I remember hoping his name was Jerid, because I have this odd feeling I'm going to meet a guy named Jerid... Odder still is I never met anybody by that name or read a book with anyone by that name... It just came to me a couple nights ago and now I can't get the name out of my head, as though I already met this person that I don't know...
Anyway, in the dream we were just cuddling and I was very content, but there was no sense of stability or commitment. I clearly had just met the guy in the dream. I don't remember the circumstances anymore. I also remember some thoughts I had in the dream about Crusipher. I felt kinship towards him, a deeply-settled love... But I didn't feel that stong commited bond of a relationship, as though we fell out a relationship into friends with benefits into distant friends... I remember feeling I needed his permission to sleep with someone else, but also feeling that it wasn't all that serious...
Another character comes into the dream, a black male who looks astounding like Crusipher, but with a more angular face... In fact, this character looked like a direct cross between Tre and Crusipher. He had dreads down to his shoulders, large bones, a thin muscled body and wasn't too much taller than me. I don't actually remember cuddling with him, but I had the same cuddle-type feeling towards him as I did towards the white guy in the dream.
This isn't the first dream I've had about being with other guys in a slightly more than friendly way. I can't seem to look at other guys in my waking life, but somehow I manage it just fine in my sleep. Though I only dream about sex it self with Crusipher, which is kinda interesting.
I don't know if any of that really means anything in particular that I should be paying attention to. Anything other than: "I have doubts and fears so I'm playing out other possibilities in my sleep." Anything deeper than that? I don't know.
It's strange writing without spelling correction prompts... No margins... No text editing. No special fonts. I feel a little bit freer in someway, but more lost than anything... It seems a reflection of my insides... The more free I become the more lost I am.
































7/22/08
July, 22nd, 2008 at 5:44pm

I'm more convinced than ever that I will never send my children to a public school before high school. Seventh and eighth graders attending a public school at not fit company for any child of mine, and that's that. Children and more and more violent than ever, and drugs are more and more available. Afterall, I was drinking at fourteen, and smoking weed, and I could have been doing those things as early as twelve if I had stuck my nose around enough.
I don't mean to shelter them from these things forever, but there is a certain amount of self-confidence, self-awareness and self-love that needs to grow inside them before they are exposed. These two girls, 13 and 14 years old were on the Tyra Show that I watched today and they had been in a brutal fight with each other... I felt so bad for the both of them. It seemed like everyone else was more angry and more riled up about it than either of them. Neither of them really wanted to fight but they felt the pressure from their peers to do it. Neither of them had enough self-discipline to say "no, I don't want to fight her" or the strength to just walk away.
Just watching the fight made me feel angry and riled up too. It just goes to show that exposure only makes it worse. If they had real reason to fight each other and had been alone, neither of them probably would have told anybody from embarrassment. And likewise, if there had been no pressure, neither of those girls would have ever fought. The situation of being in the school around other children (all of them not self-aware, all of them lacking in self-control) created a situation that was destroying both of their lives.
What's worse is that this fight has been all over the internet, so they both have some sort of messed up "fame" because of it. What sort of message is that giving them? The younger one, who was at least mostly the victim, if not entirely, is being forced to learn that she needs to be stronger so she can defend herself. Since the fight she's become more and more afraid and desperate to find a way to cope with that fear. The older girl was not reaping any punishment from her behavior, and instead was receiving more encouragement. Both girls, not violent before, thus becoming violent.
Just seeing the two of them together on the show was heart-breaking. I will never, never, never send my children to public school before high school. While high school can be dramatic, at least by then they can know better. Even looking into my own past it makes sense. In eighth grade I was vulnerable; many girls in my class took in upon themselves to pick on me, and one threw a chair at me once, luckily it crashed into a desk before it reached me. By Freshmen year I had the sense to ask my mom to pick me up right outside the school, to keep to myself, to only pay attention to the teachers and not the students, and to go directly from one class to another without attempting to make friends. Freshmen year I remember as the least lonly, because I wasn't trying to make friends, so I wasn't dissapointed. I was going to good grades and drawing in depth pictures for the first time, and really enjoying both.
School is a really scary place. I don't even like the idea of sending my kids off to high school, but if they stayed home-schooled the entire time they would be completely unready for how stupid and mean the world is, and also wouldn't be used to standard testing and exams.
Do I ever stop thinking about children? As I've said before... I'm afraid that when the time comes where I ought to have children... That I won't want it anymore. By the time I understand how much work it really is to the fullest degree I'll probably forget the dreams I've had of children for years. I used to want a career... I used to want to go to college... Now they both seem scary and unlikely. I used to want to learn to drive a car and now everytime I drive I'm terrified with a white-knuckle grip on the wheel. I used to want to get married, in April of 2009, so soon to now, and now I'm beginning to renig on my feelings towards getting married. Suddenly it's too soon. Suddenly I'm not sure anymore. Suddenly I'm sure I can go through birthing a baby... My body has so many issues that doctors never seem to be able to solve, and I've spent so much of my life being sick... But if I don't have one soon... I might not be able to handle it when I'm too old... If I wait until I'm any older than twenty-four or so for a first-born I don't think I could make it. I'm too easily tired, too easily stressed, too easily break a sweat...
I want my own kitchen. I want a husband. I want our baby. The lack of these things is always with me, every time I cook, every morning I wake up, every night I fall asleep, everytime I sweep and mop the floor, clean the sink or put away the laundry... I think I was born in the wrong age.