Doubt & Faith

Monday, August, 25th 2008 at 1:21am

Ever feel that desperate reaching moment where you’re trying to hold onto a slipping dream? Or the feeling of trying to catch a delicate glass item before it crashes to the floor? Or the feeling of trying to figure out a brain teaser before a friend?
Try and combine that into one background feeling and you might have something I find very difficult to express and to deal with. It’s this cycle that happens, almost always when I’m alone...
I find... I’m so overwhelmed with it right now that it’s hard to even bother. But I have to do something. Like I’m on the brink of figuring out something, but never figure it out. Perhaps this is the crash from a five-day love-high?
I feel so empty and worthless right now... I have no real explanation for it. Mom would probably say I need more B-vitamins. If I were to say that it’s psychological and not physical I’d be the biggest hypocrite on the planet since I like to stress the point that our mind is integrated with our body.
I feel fevered which makes me wonder if I’m coming down with a cold.
At this time of night when I’m dealing with no phone call and a wash of confused emotions I believe that all my talking and planning of a wedding and children is just one silly fairy-tale, especially if I’m deluding myself into believing I’ll ever have that with Crusipher.
Perhaps he loves me now, but how much? And speaking of “much,” how much of me does love? I feel so undervalued sometimes, and other times I feel like I’m not undervalued, but rather that my value just sucks. Like, why bother trying to prove myself anything better or different when it’s so much easier to pretend I’m just as useless as everyone thinks I am?
I’m struggling with even believing my own thoughts and tears right now because I want to blame it on something I’ve been eating and lack of vegetables and nutrition and thinking negatively instead of progressively and stuff, but... He makes these little cracks at me that are just rolling around in my head...
When we were unloading the car from the trip he told me to make sure I come back to carry more stuff instead of just being lazy like I usually am. So when I finally made it upstairs with as many bags as I could possibly carry at once I dumped them as fast as I could, and I felt so guilty about stopping to put the window fan in and turn the fans and air conditioner on because it was so ridiculously stuffy up here, but it had to be done, otherwise I knew he’d come up here and want to leave because of the heat.
So I rush back downstairs and load up again with as much as I can carry, and I just collapse on the bed afterwards. The whole while he’s arguing with me about how he has to go see his mother because she asked to see him, and he’s mad because I didn’t want him to go... I feel like he’s right, like I am lazy and greedy and clingy, but at the same time I feel like he’s being an ass-hole, and not being helpful or productive or giving me constructive criticism...
I don’t what to believe, but either way, if I’m a lazy bitch or if he’s a snappy ass-hole, I lose.
Oh hell with this typing, I’m going to make a miserable attempt to sleep.











Monday, August, 25th 2008 at 12:30pm

My “attempt” to sleep turned out to be quite successful and not particularly miserable at all. Being back in my own very soft and comfortable bed really knocked me out after five days in a firm thin hostel Mottress sized for one person, not two.
I had a lovely five days, and coming back isn’t easy of course. I want to take some of the things I learned and apply them. I learned a lot about how to be more civil in my behavior from the different environment. I learned new writing techniques from a very informative panel by Ty Templton (spelling is close, but probably not correct). I discovered a small company that associates with a bunch of tiny companies in the board game industry that would help Crusipher and I get our board game published. They said that they were interested and that they would help us through the process of getting it printed and such, which is very exciting. I learned a lot about comics and the difference between being a comic book artist and a video-game concept artist.
Most importantly, I got a few of my priorities aligned. Not including the given priorities, such as love and health, my first priority right now should be getting the house clean. The major reasoning behind this is that the condition of it doesn’t allow any of it’s inhabitants to work efficiently. In order for Crusipher to draw to his capacity, he needs a space that he can play music and draw without being disturbed. In order for me to work to my capacity I need a space where all of my crafts, technical devices and several empty spaces are available all at once. In order for my mom to work to capacity she needs a clean kitchen, a livable living room and an organized back room with all tools and supplies readily available. And I’m sure similar things can be said for Aunt Mary and dad.
Writing about it is making me want to go get something done, so I think I shall.

Monday, August, 25th 2008 at 1:41pm

“Only dead fish go with the flow.”

Now that I’ve worked on the living room for an hour I’m even more lost as to what to do with myself. I sorted some tools out from some junk, got rid of half a garbage bag full of trash, organized the board games a bit better and brought a small load of things upstairs with me. (Some lime green wash clothes that I had bought ages ago for my kitchen set, a lime green bowl, a shirt of mine, and some things for my memories drawer.) I cleaned off the surface of one of the desks in the living room. This desk used to have my computer on it back when I met Travanti almost four years ago now.
Exactly four years ago I thought I was falling in love with Adam. I didn’t quite understand the difference between love and lust yet. Time is strange with all of it’s long-ness and short-ness.
Comment I left on some one else’s blog just now:

“Your banner caught my eye and I read your latest post. I'm a woman so I can relate more easily than most guys probably can. I can barely open a bag of chips or a bottle of water. I can't put on ice skates. I swim slowly, I skate awkwardly, I bike as fast as some people walk, I can't stand on a skateboard and hold my balance, roller blades are a "never happening" and all sports are off limits for me. I went most of my life without realizing I needed glasses badly and only got them last year so I spent most of my life not being able to read anything more than a foot away from me and not being able to recognize a person until they were four feet away from me making me seem completely stupid. I get tired after two times around the rink as well and have trouble skating for more than an half an hour without dying.
“I get lost easily when walking. I hate driving and I suck at it. I envy capable people too, especially when it comes to driving, ice skating and sense of direction and eye sight... And well, everything. I even suck at most video games, it's really pathetic. I'm pretty much good at board games, sex and eating right. How fantastic. And people wonder why I'm depressed so often...
“I suppose this comment is supposed to make you feel better or something, but it’s probably just me ranting. Maybe I’ll be back. Oh, by the way, I never changed blogs since 2003 when I started blogging for the very reason of having all my stuff in one place. Well, actually I think I changed once and transferred my archives when I was still 14 or something, but whatever. It’s nice to have it all in one place. Um, anyway, my username is “read” and my password is “me” So if you want to read my stuff you pretty much “read me” and your in... I’m just rambling now I think. I like your blog so far, that’s what I meant to say.”

Comments:

Mott writes;
This is practically my blog at this point. Two entries were composed entirely of quotes from me, and all but one or two of the others consisted of your half of conversations you had with me. I'm not sure if you wrote them and then ranted them at me or if you just write down the things you rant about at me. Either way, I'm being paranoid about stuff again... and i quote, "I'm sorry?" to which you should "lol" and then feel picked on and be embarrassed and uncomfortable. That's always a good way to keep your thoughts in happier places. So hold the damn sheep, which from now on is code for stop brooding and cheer up more often. life goes on. (You're sooo damn needy xD)


2008-08-18 07:38:05
Will writes;
Perhaps you should take the Nietzsche approach, and welcome the end of this relationship as it will mean a chance at a new beginning? I don't know, I've only begun to read Nietzsche so I can't say (so many people misinterpret his works, it seems). I suppose the real question is, when are you going to finally decide that you don't want to hurt anymore?


2008-08-18 18:36:47
tater writes;
I just wanted to say "Hi" and let you know that I'm glad you finally updated. I tend to irrationally worry and think the worst has happened when someone that normally writes A LOT on there goes a couple of weeks with out doing so! I have no advice (or maybe I'm just keeping it to myself)...Ah, fuck it, I'll say what I think: I REALLY hope you guys can get to a point in your relationship of healing and forgiveness and of peace, cuz otherwise I really don't see the point in continuing, but I have to give you credit for sticking it out!


2008-08-19 09:20:59
Ashley writes;
I know how it feels to not be able to let go of someone who does nothing but hurt you time and time again. I think that, if you do end it, that after the healing process, you will be much happier. The worst part of a break up is missing that person that you had around all the time, losing their love and friendship...but why hold on when there has been VERY little change in the time you've been together? At this rate, it'll take 5-10 more years for him to be at the point you need him to be and the point that would make you happy. Either way, I hope you find happiness. =)
http://takemychains.diaryland.com




Ashley,
Your point is exactly my fear. What if I would be happier after I healed away from him? What if he is a liar and not trying to improve himself the way he says he is? And at this rate, it may take many years to see things happen... I'm not ready to give up yet though. It seems to me like he is still trying, so I want to try too.

Tater,
I seem to go both ways when it comes to not writing. It’s either because I’m too depressed to care or because I’m happy and busy. Though I think something odd is happening to my writing habits, and I’m not sure what it is yet.

Will,
The problem with that approach is that deciding I don’t want to hurt anymore doesn’t help. I’d hurt if I broke up with him even more than I’m hurting now. I have to be sure that I really want to be separate from him to do it without regret and even more pain, which will take a lot of resolution on my part. It seems to me that breaking up at this point wouldn’t be beneficial to either him or I.

Mott,
I ranted at you on IM for a long time, and then realized it was the closest thing I’d written to an entry in a long time, so I just copied and pasted it into Word Perfect Office X3 and took out your “hm” and “okay” and the other scattered responses you had made. It barely even needed editing so I left it as it was.

“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.”

I have no idea who said that, but I like it and believe it’s true. I got it in one of those silly chain e-mails.