The Beginning of October

Wednesday, October, 1st 2008 at 12:18am

I thought we at least had affection & sex worked out. I guess we’re back to square one.

Wednesday, October, 1st 2008 at 12:42pm

Twelve hours later, and twenty minutes too. Crusifer seems to forget now and then that I need affection in the exact same way he needs sex. It’s reassurance, it’s love, it’s passionate, it’s comforting, relaxing, and causes a feeling of deep connection and satisfaction. And while he gets some of that feeling from cuddling, he gets more of that feeling from sex. For me, as a typical woman in this respect (at least it seems like it ought to be typical) I get some of that feeling from sex, but mostly I feel like that from cuddling.
We figured that out about each other very early on in our relationship. At least, I thought we did. Turns out that he needs reminding. Sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn’t hear me in the first place, or that he won’t remember in the long term, so why say anything at all? Or do I have to just become accustomed to explaining the same things over and over month after month, year after year?
Perhaps it’s just a bit of all three. He’s easily distracted, his memory isn’t the greatest, and resigning myself to repeating things is probably for the best. Last night I spent a lot of time thinking about finding someone else, and about being on my own. I realize now that I was thinking about those things for the sole reason that I felt unloved because he was paying more attention to his book than to touching me.
He yelled at me to stop nagging him. I yelled at him that he was a hypocrite. We both retreated. I wonder what he was thinking about while I was downstairs in the kitchen crying? What was he thinking about while I was thinking that this relationship was just money for me and sex and maid service for him, and that I should just leave it at that and kick all my dreams to the side?
I can’t say what he was thinking, but I do know that after a long while he said to me quietly, “do you still hate me?” I’ve come to understand this question to mean, “I’m ready to forgive you and forget this happened, are you?” I didn’t say anything. When he started to touch me, I shook, and the tears came back out, and slowly, slowly my mind regained it’s peace. All that unhappiness just from not being touched. All that anger, all that depression, all those negative thoughts...
Am I so easily controlled? I realize now that affection is at least half a relationship for me. And without enough of it, I begin to go haywire. I’m sure I’ve already come to this conclusion before, but what really smacked me in the face was how quickly his rejection turned me into a blubbering mess, and how soon after his affection turned me back into myself. I’m not sure I could change this about myself if I wanted to. Often I’ve wanted to. Often I’ve tried to change.
I did change while I was with Tre. I became a whole other person, and when I met Crusifer, slowly that person I have built was stripped away, because that person was fake, empty, unhappy and sour. That “me” that I made didn’t need affection, but she did need weed. She didn’t need love, just lots of food. That “me” got up to 153lbs, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been. (I’m averaging 128lbs now.) That “me” was cold, mean, and blank. She swore, and hated, and swore and hated some more. That me was the me that didn’t constantly crave affection.
It’s the only adaptation I ever made that could deal without affection, and it was the worst adaptation I had ever made. I’m probably generalizing this a lot here, but I tend to black out a lot my memories with Tre, because some of them are just too hard to remember, too hard to think about... So I tend to generalize when it comes to that part of my life. I’m sure I wasn’t like that for an entire two years, but after I broke up with him, and I stopped smoking the weed, and I tried to find myself all over again, it became more and more clear to me what I had been.
I like my head touched. Probably left over from being a baby. We know our parents love us as a baby because of how they hold our head and how they stroke our hair. That interpretation of love stays with us. Sitting beside me isn’t loving me, touching me is loving me. Not logical, but inside it feels that way. I’m sure it’s all explainable with hormones, psychology and all that jazz, but understanding the little things floating in my blood stream won’t keep me from feeling them.
The only problem is the degree to which I seem to need this reassurance. The world out there isn’t particularly forgiving or understanding towards emotional needs.

Wednesday, October, 1st 2008 at 4:19pm

This last episode of the Tyra Show was about straight girls kissing girls, now called “barsexuals” because they are not “bi” but they are into kissing at bars. One lesbian was very adamant about how it was “juvenile” and that it made lesbians look bad because people would come up to her and her girlfriend and try to give them drinks to keep kissing. I understand her dilemma, but that would be a problem even if straight girls didn’t kiss because of bi-sexual girls who make out to try and get threesomes going.
Another focus of the show was that it was degrading, and that doing something like that for attention was making them look slutty. Some guys mentioned that when they see something like that they don’t want to take the girl home to mom but they do want to take the girl home to bed.
I think all of those points are valid, but I think they miss to the two main problems with straight girls kissing each other. One, random kissing is always bad because of the risk of saliva spread diseases. And two, the confusion of availability. As a bi-sexual teen I was always looking for other bi-sexual girls or lesbian girls who would be interested in a date, but all I kept finding was straight girls messing around.
In addition to the availability confusion as a lesbian or bi-sexual girl, there is even male confusion in the availability of these straight girls because some of them have boyfriends. I understand if the boyfriend thinks it’s hot for his girlfriend to kiss her friend, but shouldn’t the boyfriend and the two girls go do this somewhere private? When the two girls are out in public, guys are going to assume that they are both available if they’re not dating each other.
In terms of being degrading, I think drinking is degrading, I think hooking up and having sex on the first date is degrading, making out with strangers is degrading, and kissing another girl when you’re straight isn’t anywhere near as bad as most of those I just listed. Smoking cigarettes is degrading, wearing clothing with your nipples showing is degrading. On, and on. In other words, most everything that happens at a bar is degrading. People are groping each other, getting drunk, getting high, going home with random people, and yes, kissing strangers, friends and people of the same sex. I don’t think singling out straight girls kissing straight girls as being degrading is particularly helpful.
Bar culture is degrading and disgusting, let’s leave it at that.
(If you want to meet someone there is the gym, the supermarket, the park, amusement parks, the library, public pools, ice rinks, sports games, the freaking post office if you’re desperate. Why go where you’re going to smell like crap, meet people who act like crap, and have to deal with crap?)
In conclusion, I think the show should have focused on the issue of availability confusion. How do the onlookers know if the girls are lesbian, bi, straight, taken or single?
Girl fighting is the same problem as young people kissing for attention or having sex before they're ready. It's all the same big problem, and that is teens lack of place in this world. What are teens supposed to do with themselves? They don't want to do what little kids do anymore, and the world won't allow them to be adults yet. So teens create this silly subculture of their own to make a place for themselves.
The world needs to wake up and give teens a place in this world of their own right. We need more books aimed at teens, more educational and quality TV aimed at teens, more after school programs aimed at teens, more places to go for teens, even stores and restaurants that are for teens only. Church programs for teenagers, clubs for teenagers.
As a fourteen year old girl I was having sex, making out with girls, going to parties and getting high. Why? Because what else was there to do? I'm 19 now, and I don't party, drink, smoke, or anything I used to do, but I still see my old friends are still caught in the teen trap. It's scary and it's sad. Teenagers should be drawing, reading, writing, playing sports, or even earning money. Fighting is a natural result of us being left to our own devices.
I like this idea, I should submit it to that google thing...

A place to go where a teen can feel safe, happy, inspired, and not have to feel pressured to fight, have sex, do drugs or other negative activities.

Teens today are fighting more than ever, and not only are they doing drugs, but they’re selling them. How do I know? I’m nineteen years old, and all through high school I saw teen pregnancies, teen fights and I was offered drugs for free or for sale. I was even so desperate for money once that I considered selling drugs too.
It’s hard for teens to find their place in the world. We’re not adults and we’re not children. We can’t go to bars, but we don’t fit in at chucky-cheese anymore either. We need to be able to learn things that interest us outside of standard curriculum, and to have quiet time away from siblings so that we can study in peace. We need time away from parents to grow into our own people, and time away from other teens that harass us so we can regain our confidence.
I propose world-wide teen centers. There should be as many teen centers as high schools or more. Teen centers would employ teens, and provide a place to stay after school and on weekends where parents could feel good about what their kids were doing. Also, teens need control over these teen centers, it should be full of their art, their writing, their designs and activities that interest them, including sports, crafts and games.
To address teen needs, every teen center should have a full-time teen consoler, a full-time security guard, and two or three young (but not teen) advisors. The rest of the employees should be teenagers, which will give teens a place to work where it’s easy to get hired, fun for them to work, and they can earn money as well as earn a resume-worthy reputation. Teen centers should have small quiet rooms for reading, drawing, writing and studying, as well as loud rooms for games, hanging out, dancing, singing and talking.
Resource rooms (monitored by adults) should provide books, school supplies, computers, internet connection, and art supplies. Taxes should help pay for all of these things, because we’re paying for teenagers’ activities whether they are positive or negative anyway. Food and other basic needs for be for sale as well.
A teen center would be different from a community center because teens would be able to use their skills to make it their own. A coordinator would choose aspiring interior designers to paint and decorate, aspiring chefs to cook, aspiring police to serve as extra security, and so forth. Teen centers would never tolerate any violence or drugs whatsoever, and teens who argued would be encouraged to make a civilized debate out of their disagreement.
This would provide a haven for all teenagers, no matter their interests.
The benefit of teen centers is for everyone. It’s for the comfort and pride of parents, the safety of our communities and the upbringing of the next working generation. However, more than anyone, teenagers would benefit the most, because they would no longer worry about where to go after school, and most importantly, what to do.
Teens today often say they don’t even know what they want to do when they grow up. They can probably name ten things they don’t want to do, but how can they know what they want when they’ve never experienced it? Schools are not providing enough for the growing minds of all the diverse teenagers. Teen centers will give them a chance to discover what is right for them, instead of just another bad example.
In order for teen centers to be put into action we need government support. Teen centers will need a constant input of money that can’t be paid for out of teen’s pockets. We need publicity to get the word out to parents to gain their support, and we need as many different opportunities as possible to be offered (and publicized) at teen centers to gain the support of potential universities and career placement programs.
Endorsements from universities, parents, teens themselves, and potential employers will make way for funding. The next step would be to scout city-owned unused buildings to transform into teen centers. The locations should be chosen based on proximity to high schools and for their size. Teen centers should provide at least one quiet room, one resource room, one main lobby room and one loud room.
The success of each teen center is measured on an individual level. One more student who receives a scholarship, one more student who gets off of drugs, one more student who doesn’t drop out, one less violent student, one less student who gets an STD, one less student dead, or one more teen who grows into a confident adult.
To the masses, we can report the statistical decrease in violence, underage sex, drug use and the improvement of grades and college attendance, but to families, we can give them a beautiful young adult who is healthy in body in mind.


















Thursday, October, 2nd 2008 at 5:48pm

As a side note on my last entry, you of course know that I don’t really feel that “teen sex” is a problem. It’s natural for teens to want sex, and more natural still to engage themselves in ways to satisfy that need. My real concern in that matter would be disease prevention and birth control, for obvious reasons. In terms of emotional stability, I think further sex education could benefit young teens more than ever, since it’s more and more common to find thirteen year old girls having sex. And I don’t mean just the standard “wear a condom or get herpes” educational class. There should be a class every single year from eighth grade and up about sex.
Why so much sex education? The first year they should be scared to death, given the “pretend you have a baby” project, shown the nasty pictures of genitals with diseases and so forth. Freshmen year that should be discussed in more depth, but in sophomore year, someone has to tell these kids that not only is sex natural, but healthy. Not wrong with masturbating either. Encouragement for sticking with one sex partner could be helpful too. If you both get tested, then celebrate and take the condoms off (that is, if they’re already using another form of birth control.)
They should have sexual preferences explained to them as well. Someone needs to tell kids that gays can’t help being gay so that they don’t grow up thinking it’s some arbitrary choice or something, and so that the gay kids don’t feel like freaks of nature. It might be beneficial to even discuss how gay sex works. (Heck, I’d like to know how two girls typical have sex. Is fingering, oral or double dildos or strap-ons considered typical lesbian sex?)
And perhaps most importantly (because it’s the least discussed), kids need to be talked to about the emotional effects of sex. Sex makes men feel like they are “claiming” a prize or a territory, which may or may not make them feel the want to keep their prize/territory around. Sex makes women feel kinship, closeness and even premature love. Because of these conflicting feels after sex between a man and woman who don’t know each other very well, it’s best if they’ve already been a couple for some time so that both intend to stay in the relationship.
Kids should be seriously encouraged to stay in relationships even when they argue or have disagreements. The boys should be encouraged to do this by saying that they can expect a girl to have regular sex with them, which is more than they’ll get if they’re single (if she’s not still a virgin and waiting), and the girls can be encouraged by saying it’s practice for being married, and the longer you’re together the more things you’ll learn about yourself and what you want out of a relationship.
But I couldn’t write about all of that in my “Teen Muse Centers” thing because of the word limit, so I just threw in the teen sex thing because it concerns parents and such. Now that I’ve covered that, let’s move on to current events.
I still have not gotten my period. It’s almost two weeks late and I’m beginning to really worry about. I’ve actually looked into abortions and I’m not happy with the standard procedures or price, but if I have to do it, I have to do it. Plain as that. So I’m hoping that the weather or something is just messing with my cycle.
In other unhappy news, Crusifer’s day off got switched from Wednesday to Thursday. Why did this happen? Well, let’s see... Crusifer has this co-worker Mark. Mark doesn’t really like to work. He just takes the tattoos he likes, which tend to be just the sort that Crusifer would prefer as well. (Large skulls or something along those lines.) All day while names, hearts, roses, cross and stars come in, Mark is hiding somewhere and Crusifer does all the shitty work, and then when a cool piece walks in (some larger mural of some sort) then suddenly Mark is right there to talk to the customer, often while Crusifer is in the middle of doing a name.
Crusifer can’t turn down names in the hopes that something better will come along because he’s not only lose money for himself, but for the tattoo shop, and he could get fired for doing that. Why doesn’t Mark get fired for it? Well, because he’s some old white guy.
So, Mark takes off Mondays and Tuesdays, which nobody else does. Danny works all week I believe, and Crusifer gets one day off. Mark has arbitrarily decided to take Wednesdays off too, and I don’t blame him for wanting to do this, cause hey, there is no business on Wednesdays! Guess what? Yesterday, not a single tattoo came through. Not one. This is why Crusifer chose Wednesdays. But because Mark told the boss that he wanted them off, the boss just switched Crusifer to Thursday. Thursdays actually have business, not much, but some, sort of like Tuesdays.
This is just so completely unfair I could burst. He had to work yesterday, was there for ten fucking hours, and not one tattoo walks in that door. And he knows this, and Mark knows this, and the boss ought to know it, and yet Crusifer has to be there, and Mark doesn’t. Why? Because Mark is some old white biker guy, and he can be a dick head if he wants to.
Now we get on to today. I woke up sick this morning. Sore throat, aching head, aching body, and a slightly runny nose. Typical for me to feel this way as it turns cold for the winter, but nonetheless unhappy. I think to myself, “good thing Crusifer has the day off work and he can spend some time with me and I won’t be all alone and miserable.” Crusifer and I confirmed last night that we would go grocery shopping and go to Red Robin as we usually do on Sundays because we we’re in Albany with Angel last Sunday. (At Howe’s Caverns.)
Now even though we discussed that last night, he didn’t remember until this morning when he handed me my tea that on Monday he agreed to go to the mall with his mom. He didn’t remember to tell me when he told me about his mom visiting the tattoo shop (and railing him about being a tattoo artist again.) He didn’t remember this when he told me about his day off being switched from Wednesday to Thursday. He never thought to ask if this would be okay with me either.
So I wake up sick, and minutes after realizing how shitty I feel, he leaps up and says “oh yeah, I’m going shopping with my mom today.” I lost interest in the tea in that moment, and lost the strength to support me above the tea as well and laid back down. In other words, no reason to be awake, no reason to be alive, so why not go back to that awesome dream I was having that I was Tyra Bank’s best friend?
He calls her, finds out she’s ready to come pick him up, and he gets dressed to go. Somewhere in there, without me noticing, he shaves of his beard. I swear I almost leaped out of bed and strangled him. His stupid stubbles scratch me, wake me up all the time, make kissing uncomfortable and just make being close literally a pain or an itch. And for the last week and half or so he’s been growing a beard, and I loved it. It was soft and fluffy and comfortable and fun to play with. I asked him to keep it, and he agreed to that a number of times.
Then he suddenly declares that it’s ugly (because his hair doesn’t grown in evenly) and then shaved it off. This bothers me double fold because I think growing a bush is ugly, but he likes all that hair, so despite the discomfort of it, and despite how ugly I feel with all that hair sticking out down there, I’ve kept it for over six months. It just goes to show what lengths I’ll go for him that he won’t go for me. I mean, keeping the beard would even save him the trouble of ingrown hairs and shaving bumps, but just because there are a couple spots that are not completely covered with hair, it had to go.
So, knowing full well he’d never come back (he promised it wouldn’t be like other times where I pointed out he got home at 11pm) I asked mom to take me grocery shopping. So despite feeling like shit, I got out of bed, got dressed, went to the grocery store, collected the groceries and carried them from the car up to our attic and put them away. He might not find it important to have something to eat, but I frankly, like to be able to eat. Because of not going Sunday we were dead out of everything.
But you know what he said this morning in further defense to his going out with his mom? He said we could just go Sunday anyway, because I didn’t feel good and shouldn’t have to go out. I said to him that I needed to eat, and he said I’d just have to find something. Tough shit. I’m not going to sit here sick, hungry and alone. If that’s the kind of love he’s going to show me, he can hand me the cash, I’ll have him the pussy, and we can go about our fucking lives.
Fortunately I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did this morning. However, I’m clearly not well. I’m struggling with the stairs and I’m getting cold very easily. My stomach is sensitive, which makes me more nervous about possibly being pregnant. And my head and throat are also sensitive. What I mean by sensitive is that just sitting here is all well and good, but movement and pressure affect all three to a degree.
Despite my discomforts and a bout of tears this morning, I’m not really fretting over any of this. Worrying, stressing and being angry won’t help any of these things at all. I’m best off to stay calm and cool about everything and just do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.
On a higher note, I’m very glad I went to Wegmans with my mom. I got myself a watermelon, though sweet, it perked up my mood. Nothing like fruit to make your emotions perk up. I also found organic croutons, which means that salad doesn’t have to be a snack, it can be a meal. My main issue with salads is generally that they don’t make me feel satisfied or full. A hand full of croutons fixes that, but most croutons contain high fructose corn syrup. Today I found some that contained no sugar at all and were made with organic stuff and whatnot, so I was really happy about that.
I also picked out some soy chips to try, and some sparkling grape juice with no additives. It feels good to have been able to find a couple of new things. I also got apples, which I don’t generally do. I’m so tired of the same-old, same-old, so that should be a nice perk for this week. Now I just have to decide if I’m going to sleep, play Colonization, or try and do something useful despite how I feel... Then again, considering it’s Crusifer’s day off (which I normally take off as well), and considering that I went grocery shopping and did all of the work myself, and that I cleaned out our snack drawer, I’ve probably been more productive than would be usual for a day when I don’t feel well...
Excuses, excuses! I ought to at least make some progress on the board game.
Oh, and I almost forgot my other gripe. He went to the mall with his mom to get clothes because his pants are falling apart. Understandable, except that I hate the clothes he ends up buying when he’s with his mom. He’ll likely bring home something hideous like that other time when he was out with his mom. Let’s see, he left at 11:00am... It’s 6:40pm right now. He’s been gone nearly eight hours. Only four hours to eleven o’clock. Heh, he said to me, “I won’t get home at eleven, I promise.” What was that supposed to mean anyway? Ten-forty-five perhaps? Maybe even two in the morning.
And you know what he said to try and comfort me after that? “Remember? I want to come home and program, so I’ll hurry back.” That’s great Crusifer, hurry back to your books and your laptop, not to your sick girlfriend. I could sock him in the face for it, but I won’t. If he ever decides to start caring about how I feel, he’ll realize he doesn’t have the password and username for my blog, and he’ll ask.







Thursday, October, 2nd 2008 at 6:49pm

Comment:
2008-07-01 01:08:36 Travanti

Hey Derly...... Heh...Wow Its been a long time since ive showed any intrest of wanting to conversate with you again. But still after all this time all the changes i,ve been through regarding education, relationships, traveling different places trying to understand different people so i can compare and somewhat over analysis to better understand the world around me. Shying from my point and what I am trying to say is you were the only girl that knew me best. Like they say girls mature faster then boys I like to thank you for enduring the blunt of my immaturity and apoligize for taking so long to grow up. Without your influence on my life showing me how to hold back aragonce and learn from others I believe that i would not been able to suceed thus far in life. Id like to have you know that i transferred from westwood college to U.I.C and will be obtaining my bacholers by the end of next month. I thank you for once loveing me and giving me a most rememberable period of me life. I dont know if you remember yourself telling me this but one night you told me that i had a destiny when i had given up on mylife and self still you believed in me i just want you to know that you helped somebody in life with heart ache sweat and emotional drama you helped build confidence in myself and give the perfect amount of motivation to get me up off my sorry ass and prove a point to the world that i can get out of buffalo become a successful drafter and better myself from yesteryear so all in all thank you.

I never responded to that when I got it. Oddly I just happened to click on the entry that the comment was left on... Literally so random that it’s creepy. (I was noticing that my entries were much longer and father apart than in previous years and clicked on a random 2008 entry to gauge is length, and then just clicked on the comments for shits and giggles.)
It’s things like that... That let me know I’m doing the right thing. People are brought together for all sorts of different reasons, and in each scenario there is always something to be gained and something to be given. It’s good to know that we both grew and moved on to better places than we were before.
That was posted in July, so assuming he’s be honest there (why lie about that, right?) then he has already graduated. Talk about unfair, but no reason to get my panties in a twist just because I didn’t make the leap into debt also-known-as the leap into college. I guess a “thank you” is better than nothing for two difficult years of my life, right?
I could have stuck with him, you know... Or rather, I could have accepted him back at the last second, and I’d probably be married to him now, and I might be in college. I don’t regret it though. Tre never understood me at all... Though sometimes I begin to wonder if Crusifer even tries to understand me... It really troubles me that he doesn’t read my blog. Why isn’t he interested?








Thursday, October, 2nd 2008 at 9:49pm

What’s with me and writing at ?:49pm? Well, now it’s 9:50pm of course, but then... I sat at my computer doing nothing for at least three minutes before deciding to write. I feel like shit. I did feel better for a while after eating the watermelon, a small bowl of salad, one small potato and lima beans. Ah, food. Food is medicine.
I attempted to work on the board game. I got through two cards in like ten minutes... That’s ridiculously slow. I can barely hold my arms up to type, but I just tried to sleep for the last forty minutes, and that didn’t work either...
Almost ten o’clock and Crusifer isn’t back. Yeah, before eleven o’clock he may make it home... By like one minute or something like that. You know what really yanks my chain? She came to his work, and criticized his job, his lifestyle, and what he wanted to do with his life again, and then had the nerve to ask him to go to the mall with her, and he fucking accepted that willingly.
What the hell?
If my mom had the nerve to tell me, at the age of 26, at my workplace, that I was wasting my life, and that my lifestyle was degrading, and so forth, and then ask me for my day off, I’d probably raise my eyebrows and after a long time say “you buying?” I mean, seriously...
Today sucks. Every time I’ve tried to do anything today it hasn’t worked, except in the case of the groceries, which “worked” but left me exhausted and sweating. Sleeping hasn’t worked. Working on the board game hasn’t worked. Being with Crusifer certainly hasn’t worked. Well, I guess I’ve “successfully” written today...

Comments:

2008-10-03 18:23:42 Nicole - nicholeia@hotmail.com

I agree with where you're coming from in reference to how stupid the bar scene is, and how sad our age group really is. We're a lost generation, and it's incredibly sad. Most young girls are convinced that their sexuality is their biggest asset and their only weapon (at least that's the way I always found it to be around here), and it leads to so much heartache later in life! There's just so little focus on morality and growing up to be a good person anymore, and our generation is a byproduct of apathy toward society. It's just so messed up!
http://shewholies.diaryland.com


2008-10-03 22:28:04 tater - Somewhere

Why don't you take a pregnancy test and just find out? If your period is two wakes late the test will def. show what is going on! Ps...Dating Violence should be a topic discussed in all schools, too, I think...the younger that people are educated the more unlikely they are to allow themselves to be in abusive relationships (or so I would hope!)







Sunday, October, 5th 2008 at 12:59pm

As a child I wanted my room clean, but I always insisted on having “help.” Even if my mother was present in the room, that would help me clean. I suppose I didn’t know why at the time, but it’s obvious now that I have a hard time accomplishing things without companionship. Even more so, I have a hard time accomplishing things without praise.
Only since I was sixteen did I begin to do much of anything that wasn’t for attention or companionship. I suppose the first thing I ever started doing for myself was keeping a journal. I believe I started writing in a journal around eight years old, but I don’t have any writing from before I was twelve.
In the last year, I’ve even started drawing for myself from time to time. There are probably several pictures that nobody saw but me for months, as opposed to the drawings from several years ago that didn’t go half an hour without someone seeing them.
I’m finding it difficult to keep practicing Japanese because I have no reason I can pinpoint to learn it, and on top of that, nobody is giving me a reason or making me feel good about learning it. I have to pretend like I’m going to move to Japan or something every time I practice to help give me motivation. I have to tell myself it would be good to know a second language so I can teach my children multiple languages at a young age.
As soon as Crusifer stopped noticing when I dress up for him... My entire reason for dressing up was gone. I used to “dress up” almost every night in the first three months of our relationship. And a year ago it was still at least once a week... Now it’s more like twice a month, because I’m sick of sitting around in stockings waiting for him to get home, and on time or late, he just doesn’t notice like he used to. I get a kiss, and then he goes about his business. A some point we have sex, and then he gets up and does whatever he pleases...
I can’t hold his interest through sex, through talking, through art, through anything... I might as well be a sex doll who was programmed to say certain things at certain times... He tells me he loves me, and he kisses me, and he has sex with me, and he keeps me warm at night, and now and then he brings me tea in the morning. Oh yes, and he pays for the groceries. Is that all there is to a long-term relationship? Is that all there would be in marriage?
It was worse with Tre... We argued, didn’t kiss much, didn’t have much sex, didn’t get kept warm, but rather I was kicked in his sleep, and I weed and french fries was the main extent of the things I was brought. (There were home-made fries from potatoes... But nevertheless...) So there certainly wouldn’t have been “more” in a marriage there.
With Jeremy... We argued, but unlike Tre and I, we resolved the arguments. In fact, Jeremy and I resolved arguments much better than Crusifer and I do if I remember correctly. I remember that we couldn’t sleep without working things out and that it was rare to wake up without yesterday’s problem being resolved. Jeremy insisted on me holding him most of the time if I remember correctly... I can’t remember him ever making me food...
I don’t find my two old references to be useful anymore. In both scenarios, both parties were under the age of twenty. In both scenarios, either no money was being made, or what was made was being wasted on silly childish things. In both scenarios the future was very unclear and undefined. In both scenarios I only had a half-baked idea of what I wanted to do with my life.
Crusifer is twenty-six now... Or is it twenty-seven, boy we’ve been together a while now... He was twenty-four when I met him, so he must be twenty-six. He’s a full-time tattoo artist. He has the concept of saving money pretty well down.
Shit, I lost my inspiration to write. *sigh*
Five minutes later... I didn’t gain an inspiration to do anything else. I just feel empty. Crusifer took off Friday partly to make up for being gone the entire Thursday (he got back at 10:15pm). I’m sure it was also partly because I wasn’t feeling too hot, and he himself wasn’t feeling too great either. I told him how I felt Thursday night... About how I found it disrespectful and unloving for him to just run off, cancel his plans with me, disregard me being sick... I’ve been telling him everything.
I think I’m just coming off as a bitch or something. He thinks I’m nagging him or something. ...I feel so completely unlike myself these past days... Since about a week before Angel arrived I’ve felt different. I guess it’s because I was working so hard for so long there, and nobody noticed or cared. I was making progress on the bottom floor, working for two to five hours at a time, at least an hour a day for three weeks. I cleared out so many spaces, got so much trash out and cleaned up so many other things that deserved to be kept and sorted... My mom noticed, but mostly negatively. “Where is this? What have you done with that? You didn’t throw it away did you? You better find it!” And so forth... You’d think I was destroying her life instead of trying to give her one.
And then, during this same period of time, every day I was practicing Japanese writing symbols. I was working on that at least fifteen minutes a day, often as much as an hour. My Dad told me I was “jacking off” and that I needed to go to college to learn things. My Mom told me it was boring and shrugged it off as any sort of accomplishment. And Crusifer said that it was cool, but no real congratulations or interest there either, and on top of that, my purported teacher, Matt, stopped coming around and when he did, he stopped teaching me. And now I hardly know if I should bother or not.
Also, during these same three weeks, I worked on the board game every day. Somewhere between fifteen minutes and two hours. Same thing, nobody notices, nobody cared, nobody was interested...
Then I realized Angel was coming soon and I spent two days breaking my back changing this room around. I helped Carlos carry the big black chair out and away. And then I moved everything in my room. I mean everything. The air conditioner, three “coffee tables,” two “desks,” multiple plastic sorting-drawers (at least six), multiple bins (at least three), both beds, and I scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees until it was gleaming. And then I put everything back in a more organized manor, meanwhile dusting and cleaning every item off.
Crusifer thought it was cool and appreciated it for about five minutes, before he started yelling at me about not being careful enough with his stuff because there was a scratch on his gun. And that was the end of that.
Perhaps I’m just as bad when I don’t “ooh” and “ahh” at his tattoo portfolio. Problem is, I don’t like looking at the tiny camera screen and I’d rather see what it looks like on the full-size computer monitor rather than scrolling around and zooming in and out on the camera. I also don’t know what to look for as being really amazing tattoo feats. Though I suppose I could still “ooh” and “ahh” a bit harder or longer.
So perhaps I lost my inspiration to do anything and everything because I see now that nobody cares what I do, as long as I don’t appear to sit on my ass all day long. And even then, they don’t know the difference between me sitting on my ass and getting something done. All anyone cares about is that I don’t have a job and I’m not in college.
In fact, I bet this is why I’m sick. My emotions have made me sick before, so I don’t doubt that’s what is happening again. And to my complete disgust, I get no special treatment whatsoever for feeling like shit and getting dizzy from climbing the stairs. Am I making the same mistake as my mom? Convincing myself it’s worth it because he’ll support me and my kids and won’t be a complete jerk? (Just a half-jerk.)
It’s two-twelve now, and I’ve spent my time wasting away in front of this computer... To make myself feel useful I rearranged some sentences and added some of my own to support green jobs... An e-mail told me I should do it, and I was like, “hey, that sounds like something good to do.” So I guess the following is being mailed to a bunch of newspapers;

“We can address with the climate crisis and put people to work at the same time with a clean energy economy fueled by green jobs. We can't ignore global warming any more with tsunamis, hurricanes, massive glaciers melting, and freak weather occurrences happening on a monthly basis. We also can't ignore the demand for American jobs.
“A clean energy economy will create millions of new green jobs that America desperately needs. Jobs that can’t be outsourced and use the skills of today’s workers. Green jobs aren’t just the jobs of the future – they are the jobs of today, and they can be created anywhere.
“There is plenty of room for windmills, watermills, solar panels, green roofs and other natural power sources everywhere we look. And the government can't say there isn't money for it when they spend millions of dollars on war, oil, coal, high fructose corn syrup and other harmful commodities.
“The oil and coal companies have spent millions in lobbying and advertising to block the switch to clean energy. We need to take back this country and Repower America by letting our leaders know that we want this new clean energy economy NOW.
“We don't want to wait around hearing more promises, also-known-as political gibberish, or as I like to call them; lies. Americans are ready for bold action. We can revitalize our economy with good jobs, clean, renewable energy and a healthy climate. It's either make the switch, or drown in our own trash, literally.”

The given statements I didn’t really edit because they flowed right into my own points and served as good direction. No reason to change them when I didn’t have to. I probably should have changed the introduction a bit more though, oh well, it’s not like it’ll get published or something.

Nicole,
I couldn’t agree more. We’re a very lost generation. Even I’m not sure if I have a weapon other than sex. It goes to show what the world is coming to when most of the young people today care about parties more than politics and sex more than children. When people like me aren’t in college because of technical difficulties when our nation is based on values such as education, despite your disposition... It’s just one big load of bull shit.

Tater,
Interestingly I hadn’t really thought about education on violent relationship situations, but I think that’s an excellent idea as well. Sex education should be turned into an ongoing course called, Sex, Love, Marriage & Everything in Between!

I wonder when Crusifer will come back... He’s at the flee market when Connie and El as far as I know. He cancelled his plans with me again today for spur-of-the-moment plans with them. Makes me feel worthless, it does. More and more I wonder if I’m doing the right thing to stay with him. But what more could I do for myself alone or with someone else anyway? I probably wouldn’t be any happier. So I should let him get away with this shit?
I wish I knew what other people did about this. Who out there is married happily, and why are they happily married? Who out there got a divorce and is glad they got one, and why? Who out there was where I am, and what did they do, and how did it turn out?

Sunday, October, 5th 2008 at 5:04pm

2008-10-05 18:44:20 Hallie - Somewhere
My marriage is incredible. I dumped all the guys who weren't right for me and waited for one with whom I was actually compatible. We've been together almost a decade now and we've still never "worked" on our relationship because our relationship doesn't need work.


2008-10-05 21:01:55 Phoenix - pitifulbarbie@aol.com
So you've said on several occasions, Hallie. I guess there a few key points in there that I don't understand... How do you know if you're not compatible with someone? What if just a few small changes will make a relationship work? And how do you know that if all the guys before were no better, than someone more compatible exists or is interested? You make it sound so simple, but how can I just say "well, this isn't perfect, so goodbye" and expect to find someone better?
http://for-you-only.diaryland.com


It’s been five hours since he left now. One hour ago I called Connie’s phone to speak with him. I even made pretense of saying “hi” to Connie. Crusifer said they were pretty much done and about to come home. Sure. Whatever.
I attempted to say hi to Matt on instant messenger. He seemed so cool when I first met him. Now I’m completely lost as to what to say to him about anything. He’s going to school too far away for me to really have a chance to say anything anyway...
Friends... Those are people you ask for help when you don’t know what to do... Those are people you hang out with to make you happy when you’re down. I don’t know what to do. I’m down. And I’m alone.























Sunday, October, 5th 2008 at 7:18pm

I’m almost definitely pregnant right now. It’s almost as much my fault as Crusifer’s... Maybe it’s just my fault, whatever. It’s so not fair. I wanted a baby for so long, and all I can think about is how I hope I lose it now or very soon because I don’t want to have to get an abortion.
I feel so squeezed. I’ve got a fucking licence now. I never wanted that. I didn’t have a choice, and I never will have a choice. I mean, sure, if you call walking in all weather types to far away places and carrying groceries on your back home vs. having a car a choice.
And now, I find that all I can think about is that I need to get a job or start college. The pressure has gotten that far into me that I’m constantly thinking about it. I feel like I’m not in control of my own thoughts. Just a year ago I was willing to have a baby and try to make that work and now it’s like my logic has been converted and I’m sitting here with a tiny ball of cells inside me that I’m going to pay to get rid of...
I feel so sick. I feel like I can’t breathe. I spent the last fifteen minutes taking deep breaths trying to figure out why there is no air in my room, but no matter how deeply I breathed, I still felt like I was suffocating... It’s all in my head of course.
I’m seriously considering just dropping my life and moving to the commune and devoting my life to living simply. I’d never have to drive a car again. I could have as many babies as I like as soon as I like. I’d get married to some man who would never leave me. I’d have an entire community behind me and all the good food I could want and simply womanly work to do. I’d have a forest to go walking in, and kids to teach, and a creek to see. The catch? The only book I’d ever read again is the bible.
I wish Yasheiva still lived there. I want to see her and dance with them and sing their songs with them and eat there and do their dishes and walk in their forests. I’m so sick of my life I could fall over right now and rot where I fall. I have no teacher anymore. I hate that. What fun is life without a teacher?
I ought to just go to college and fuck the debt. I’m on the verge of saying that I don’t even know if I want a family and kids anymore. I have no idea what I want anymore. I’m sick of Crusifer disregarding my feelings, and I’m sick of my parents and how they behave. Always two balls of disappointment and rejection leaking out their own misery on everyone else...
Whoa, enough crying and I feel like there is oxygen in here again, or maybe it’s the flow of thoughts. I’ve been trying to stop myself from thinking the past three hours. I keep looking up at the clock. I keep getting angry he’s not here, and then I cut off the train of thought and think about something else so I don’t have to get more upset about it.
He’s sick of me, and I don’t blame him. He doesn’t know he’s sick of me yet, but I can see it. He’s started to call me a “brat.” It’s hard to explain how I know that means he’s getting sick of me when he’s called me all sorts of things before, but I can just tell...
I hate the pressure, and all the thoughts everyone has put in my head. Why am I so damn bendable? It’s like I’m sitting back and watching myself be molded by everyone else, helpless to change what I become no matter how disgusted I am with the results. Matt has this whole “not planning” thing stuck in my head, and it’s weird, but I’m starting to see that long term plans suck. Not short term plans, I don’t agree on that one at all, but plans that are over a year away never come to fruition.
He’s been gone seven and a half hours now. Sure, he’ll be right back. His words are so meaningless to me these days that sometimes I don’t even think I hear him. It’s like he’s just streaming some sounds into the air.
Monday, October, 6th 2008 at 12:26pm

Crusifer got home at nine o’clock last night. I guess nine hours isn’t that long, right? Heh, heh. (*Takes a sip of cherry tea with raw-honey wax floating in it.*) I wasn’t thrilled. He didn’t apologize, he didn’t attempt an explanation, he didn’t greet me with a kiss or anything. He simply got undressed and sat at his computer and began to play Call of Duty IV.
I think I started by telling him I was either going to college or getting job, so that if he wanted his say in the matter, he better give it now. He told me he wanted me to do what I wanted to do, and I told him he was a liar. He eventually told me he’d like me to do flash because he thinks I’d be good at it. I agree.
I think I may have gotten a few points across. Such as, “How can I believe anything you say to me anymore?” And also, “I hate you.” And also, “I can tell you for a fact that my husband will not ever be late without telling me. I can also tell you that he would never walk away from me when I cry. He would never just run off without telling me where he is going. He’d never interrupt a kiss to answer the phone. He would never use drugs or choose to party instead of coming home to his family. He would never ignore me or disregard my feelings or tell me that something is my problem. You know how I know my husband would never do these things? Because I wouldn’t marry a man who would.”
He didn’t have a whole heck of a lot to say to me. He doesn’t know what to do when I’m upset at all. All he knows how to do is apologize and kiss. Literally. He doesn’t know he can actually talk it out. He doesn’t know that when I’m that upset I barely logical from all the pent up rage. I eventually asked him why he doesn’t read my blog...
He exploded at me. He hates my blog and that his name is in it and that I would write about my (our) personal business and let other people read it. He thinks that somehow his friends or something have the password which is just nuts, because I barely get any page-views ever since I locked the journal and I pretty much know everyone who reads it, and none of them would even associate with his friends, much less go around handing out passwords to a random blog.
Anyway, I don’t like having to lock my blog. Code-names for everyone would be much easier. I’m thinking of starting a new blog where no names or locations are mentioned. It is about time I had a new blog really. It’s nice having all my archives and all of that, but archives of what I did when I was fourteen is kinda embarrassing at this point. Don’t worry, I’ll post my new location here when/if I do move.
I’m also thinking that Crusifer may as well believe he’s the only person who knows about the new blog, and only receiving communication through this blog or something of the like. We’ll see what we’ll see I suppose.












Monday, October, 6th 2008 at 9:55pm

I will be driving (by myself) to pick up Crusifer (in the dark) in just forty-five minutes. The thought makes me a bit anxious. I’ve been killing some time by talking to Matt on instant messenger and by replying Angel’s last e-mail. Here is what we’ve been talking about since she got back:

I wrote her on Wed, 1 Oct 2008;

How was your trip home? How did you like the stuff in the big pink/black bag? Miss me?
I added some of the pictures from my camera to myspace:

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewAlbums&friendID=147508776

You'll see three new albums at the bottom: "Howe’s caverns," "Landscape," and "Buffalo."
I'll be adding more later. Write back!!!

Angel replied on Thu, 2 Oct 2008 3:47pm

Hey;
Of course I miss you! It doesn't even feel like I'm back home or something... My sister and I dug through the bag you gave me like it was a Christmas gift or something Lol. I loved it; thanks =] she fell in love with most of the things as well ha-ha she was like, "She put so many pretty things in here!" or something similar to that.
Hmm, I ended up missing my flight that was supposed to take me back to Phoenix. The Buffalo flight to Newark was running 15-20 minutes late so when I arrived there I practically ran to my spot and I was all excited thinking I was the first one there Lol but apparently I was the last. So, I went to the customer service center and the next flight was only at 4pm so I spent another four hours in the airport. I didn't mind at all, I was just saying to myself, "My wish came true! I have more time in New York!" Lol but yeah I just spent the next several hours browsing the shops and made conversation with several random people... I arrived in Phoenix at 7pm and then got back home at 10pm.
Doing anything fun? At the moment I'm trying to enroll into the academy school because although this online program rocks, i'm just easily distracted. I'll be logging into HotMail, Yahoo!, and several other sites when I'm supposed to be doing my work... and i'm a huge procrastinator as well! So, it's time for a change. Don't you think?
& I'm sorry if I didn't exactly live up to the expectations you had of me. I seriously don't know why I felt uncomfortable there and I surprised myself with how quiet I was... shocker!!! Perhaps it's because I hadn't been away from my family for so long and jumping into a whole new family and a whole new "world" ...hopefully if we ever meet up again, i'll break that stupid shell!! I hate it.... but yeah have a good day and thanks for sending me the link.
(P.S. your other pictures of yourself are very pretty! I peeked a bit ha-ha hope you don't mind)




I replied on Sat, 4 Oct 2008

Angel,
Not that surprising that you were shy. I mean, I'm sure my lifestyle in person is very different than how I come off online, and I mean, everything here is different, right down to the colors! (Green everywhere vs. red/brown sand, lol!) I'm glad you made it home okay, even if it was at ten o'clock at night... Wouldn't than be 1am our time here?!?!? lol
I've been thinking I want to get back to school myself. I tell myself I'm still learning lots of things now, which I am, but I could be learning so much more.
I wish I was doing something fun, almost right after you left I came down with a cold, and I've been feeling rather off... It's not a terrible cold for some reason, which is unlike me, usually I get really bad colds that last weeks. It's like this cloud is just laid down over my head making me heavy and dizzy and tired. I think it might be food related though, because every time I eat some vegetables I start feeling better for a while before it starts to feel bad again. ...
Speaking of which I keep losing my train of thought...
I did expect you to be different, but then again, I'm not really sure what I expected. From the moment you got there it felt more like seeing a long-lost sister than a friend. And sisters do tend to be different than friends, anyway... Boy can I not seem to keep myself focused on what I'm writing. It's like, I'm not coughing or sneezing... It's just... weird. I need breakfast, lol. write back soon
~Phoenix

She wrote me back again on Mon, 6 Oct 2008 4:55pm

Yes! You do tend to come off a whole lot differently in person than you do online. I noticed that quickly. Ha-ha... It seems like online you are serious but in person you are loud and fun to be around. I'm not saying that online, you sound boring or whatever but that's just what I took quick notice of. Online you seem to exaggerate a lot also. Whenever I used to read your entries about Crusifer and how "badly" he treated you, I felt very concerned. But when I actually saw you two in person, you two seemed in love. He didn't seem that bad. He came home around 11pm more than once if I recall. (Or does my memory just suck? :P) But then again, I was only a witness for one week. I can't fully say that he's not the person you write about but for some reason he doesn't seem as bad as you write about him or something.... but I don't know him at all.. All I saw/heard were smiles, laughs and jokes. Perhaps he was acting differently because I was there? I don't know. Basically, he didn't really seem like the Crusifer I read about.
I agree. You're already intelligent as it is but there is more you could be learning. What are you interested in learning anyways?
Are you feeling better now or still a bit cold?










I wrote her on Mon, 6 Oct 2008

I can see how you could say I write about a whole other Crusifer than the guy you met. I think the worst part about any of the things he does is the betrayal of his good nature. At his worst he's completely illogical, loud, rude and doesn't care about anybody, sometimes not even himself. He can become violent, even when he's sober, but it's a controlled sort of "angry shove" that he does if it comes to that. Generally he's not a mean ass hole, but he does things everyday that I wouldn't expect someone so "in love" to do. Like, why come home late without calling? There are also a lot of inconsiderate things that he does that I would never do, and that is also a little bothersome. Interestingly, I thought he was being a total punk while you were there, lol.
You know, I recently came to the realization that I don't know what I'd like to major in if I were in college.
I am feeling a bit better, but I'm almost positive that I'm pregnant. I'm feeling stomach pains almost constantly and my period is over two weeks late. I even get waves of nausea like an early form of morning sickness. And I'm so sad because I can't keep it and that means I have to go through all the processes at the doctor... It's not a pretty thing. And since I want a baby and a husband so much it hurts when Crusifer acts like a goof-off lover instead of a husband, and nothing like a responsible father at all...

She replied on Mon, 6 Oct 2008 7:23pm

Hmm, maybe I didn't look at him in the same light you were looking at him or something. I mean, he said some inappropriate things in my presence but I only heard him once or twice..
What do you mean you can't keep it???? =[[ I hope you're not thinking what I think you're thinking. I think in one of your past entries, you said that he already was a father.... o.O he doesn't have any interest in his own child that is elsewhere?

I wrote the following back to her just now:

I suppose this comes under the topic of hard facts. His first love got pregnant with his son. At first they planned to get married and raise him together, but her family convinced her it was best to give it up for adoption. Not so long after, they broke up. There were together about two and a half years, and she dumped him. Worse than that, he had a fallout with his family and ended up out of college, out of home, and out of a girlfriend. He didn't exactly have any say in the matter of his son. He doesn't even know his son's name or whereabouts. He only saw him once as newborn.
In terms of now, we can't afford to keep it. My mom going around spending money on all sorts of trips isn't usually something we do and never was in the budget. My father got a raise about six months ago and he's spending the extra money AND my mother's retirement money on making payments to have the house siding done. (House siding should save us a little money on our gas bill. Also, it means the house doesn't need to be painted ever again. By law, the house must have siding or be painted every so many years.) Siding isn't cheap and it will occupy all the extra money my parents have. On top of that, Aunt Mary is moving out, so the money she pays for rent (about $350 a month) won't be coming into the household anymore either.
You starting to see the picture? If I had a baby there would only be one income, and that is Crusifer's income to take care of not only himself, and not only me, but the baby as well. And we're not just talking the baby's food, diapers, wipes and clothes. We're also talking my hospital bills, the baby's health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance and so forth. It would also mean I'd be out of commission for the next nine months. (I'm starting to cry as I explain this because it's helping me to face the truth myself, because I hate thinking about it..) I wouldn't be able to go to college any time in the next fifteen years if I had a baby now, unless I plan on sending my child to public school and paying for a nanny. Not to mention, who can afford college when you have a baby? I might be forced to get a job just to support the baby and then I wouldn't be able to spend time with them, and that would be worse than not being able to have him/her in the first place.
Crusifer and I both want children, and I really want them a lot more than he does. He's looking to have kids sometime around three to five years from now, hopefully at some point when we have more money. I'm looking to have children in around that same time line for practical reasons... But despite wanting them, and despite the fact that we could scrape by, there is a deeper issue. Crusifer and I aren't married, and my father said that if I got pregnant with a baby without being married to his father that he would kick me out of the house. (In other words, he would be so disgraced that he'd disown me, if not forever, then for a time.) Imagine Crusifer and I out in the world on our own with a baby on the way? Not a pretty picture.
So as much as I don't want an abortion, I don't have a choice in the matter. If I was determined enough to keep it, then Crusifer and I could get married downtown for $50 with no dress, no ceremony and no reception. We could save all our money between now and the birth for the baby. We could spend every bit of money we have saved on medical bills. I could give up any hope of doing anything else with my life whatsoever and become a full-time mother. I could get a job if need be. But you see how much of a sacrifice that would be?
I'd love to give everything up and become a mother honestly. But that isn't fair to anyone else. If I told Crusifer I was keeping it regardless I'd be taking away his chance of doing more with his life as well, and if he resented me enough for it, he might even leave. (Though I don't think he would.) So that's that, whether I like it or not. Just like I have to start driving now, in fact, in only forty-five minutes I'll be picking up Crusifer from work.
I guess this just goes to show there are things in life you can't fight, because the system is so much larger than we are. We can strive to change it, but we can only change it by becoming a part of it. Just like you have to know the rules to break them. I'm glad you're still a virgin, it keeps things simpler. Just remember to use protection when you do give it up, okay? Some girls get pregnant or get a disease their very first time.
*kisses and hugs*
~Phoenix