Your Reward? A knife in the back.

Thursday, September, 4th 2008 at 3:22am

You know what I don’t get? How people work hard all day long, busting their ass, and then get paid for it, and then go spend it on beer or cigarettes. That’s like doing manual labor and as a reward, stabbing yourself!
It’s like Dr. Mark Hyman said... When you have a symptom, like sniffles or a pancreases that can’t produce insulin, you shouldn’t fight the symptom by repressing the sniffles or taking insulin shots. That’s like getting a nail stuck through your foot and taking Aspirin for the pain! Taking the freaking nail out.
But we humans. We don’t take the nail out. And we just love to stab ourselves in the gut after a hard day’s work. Most of us have our heads so far up our asses that the sound of logic is distorted through our giant fat ass-cheeks.

Thursday, September, 4th 2008 at 8:58pm

It’s been so blissful to spend so much time with Crusipher. The FanExpo in Toronto, his Wednesday off, Sunday off, Monday being a holiday, yesterday... This is more than I’ve seen of him in two-three weeks then I usually see of him in two months.
We’re having sex like wild rabbits, like we did in the beginning again. We’re having conversations late into the night again. We’re drawing together and learning together again. And, a step further than where we started, we’re also learning how to give each other the chance to correct themselves when they speak.
It’s easier to make it through the day when there aren’t any gaping pot holes in my relationship. I’m even studying again as if I were in school, and that feels great too. (Studying Japanese that is, I’ve memorized twenty characters so far and almost know another eleven.)
Those are two excellent things, but it doesn’t end there. I have a fabulous new idea for a book that I’m seriously considering writing. I’ve updated my long abandoned deviant art account for Crusipher and I’s art business. I’m working on getting the downstairs in some kind of order and actually getting somewhere. So overall I pretty content with everything.
One thing that does concern me still is my exercise level however. Surprisingly, all the cleaning and moving about isn’t helping much to tone my body, even though I’m breaking a sweat from activity once a day, I’m not gaining tone the way I do when I exercise everyday. I’m not sure when or where I’m going to fit in more exercise, but I do plan to do it.
Hey world, stop drinking soda and eating high fructose corn syrup!











Friday, September, 5th 2008 at 12:24pm

What now? What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? Everyone seems to think I’m doing nothing with my life. Mott thinks I’m stupid for putting love first in my life. My Dad thinks I’m stupid for not being in college. Crusipher thinks I’m stupid for not spending my days scanning and drawing art all day long and making websites, etc.
Perhaps this is why chicks say “fuck the world” and go get a job. If I had a job, nobody could tell me shit about what I do with my time. I’m trying so hard to accommodate that it’s just making things worse somehow. I’m sitting here crying like a fool instead do doing a damned thing.
I’m not sure what my priorities (aside from the first two: health and love) are. Clean up my parent’s stuff? That’s pretty important since I’ll end up doing it sooner or later, and the sooner, the longer I can reap the benefits of having a real home. Scan in all of Crusipher’s art? Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It’s not so easy, and I don’t feel like explaining why. Build us the office? That should be first, but there is no money to put into it that anyone is willing to spend, and the people who are supposed to be helping me with it have all bailed. (My parents and my mom’s workers.) I can’t use a huge as saw and cut a hole for a window. I certainly can’t drywall the ceiling.
What does Crusipher want me to put first? It seems like it changes weekly, and worse than that, he doesn’t tell me when his expectations change. As far as I know, getting laid everyday is still the most important thing to him, since he’s never said otherwise, but now he just takes it for granted and gets mad about other things it seems.
Perhaps I’m a winy bitch. But after yesterday where I went to work on one of my mom’s projects with her upon her request (drawing and coloring dragons to put up for sale at an upcoming convention), and then decided to practice my Japanese letters which I’ve been learning. (They aren’t really letters, but rather combinations of our letters to make up single sounds such as “ka, ki, ku, ke and ko.”) I asked my mom to help me practice and she flat out told me it was boring... Where was the mother who was so patient with me as a child? I guess I’m an adult now, and on my own...
And then my Dad, who after getting drunk at Thursday in the Square came up here to lecture me about not being in college. He told me he didn’t care if I was learning Japanese. His almost exact words were “If you’re not in college and you’re learning Japenese then you’re japping-off” which is just plain mean. I tried to show him the things I’ve been working on, but I felt completely dismissed in all of my accomplishments.
Then Crusipher doesn’t come home yet again and doesn’t manage to call me. He got home at 1:10am and then didn’t speak to me until 2:00am. Not that I spoke to him either, but he was the one who owed an explanation. When he finally told me what had happened, it simple turned out that there was “drama at the shop” which is a stupid reason to not come home, because he has nothing to do with their problems. He says that he just feels he can’t leave at certain times and shit like that, but who cares? Just leave anyway. He’s not getting paid to listen to their bull-shit problems that they bring upon themselves.
And then this morning, he’s still being non-communicative and unaffectionate (even though he did bring me a cup of tea) and then he goes and says, “when are you going to scan in my cereal kids?” I could have exploded right there. Two months ago, when my desktop computer died he told me he was going to take it apart and put new parts in it and have it up and running in a couple weeks. Now he’s saying that is a waste of money and to screw all the work I did that is on that hard drive and to do it all over on my laptop, and he’s telling me this now as if it was obvious and as if he can’t understand why I didn’t do it before.