Ayian & Angel

Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 12:42pm

Some entries I should write, or at least topics I should cover:

Video games, and how they are dissatisfying

Bob, and the interesting (and short) place he took in my life

New cast page for Tina

About my novel, and why it’s taking so long

My relationship with my Dad and how it has changed

How I plan to raise my children

My road trip plans for September

My printed journal, and the role it takes in my life in contrast with my online journal

Letter to my twelve-year-old self

My favorite memories of My boyfriend thus-far

Naruto and how it’s starting to suck really bad

I think this entry will be about my road trip I’m planning for September... As most of you probably know, last year, in 2007, my Dad and I (shortly after beginning my relationship with My boyfriend) went on a road trip. We left in March, and planned to be gone three full weeks.

I packed as little as I could for that length of time. My luggage with my Dad’s needed to take up only half of the storage space in the car (with the back-seats down) so that there would be enough room for my to lay down beside everything.

During the day I sat beside my Dad navigating and watching the scenery. At night I slept in the back of the car while Dad drove through the night. We stopped at my Aunt Sharon’s (and Uncle Bruce’s – my Dad’s older brother) in North Carolina, as well as Roy’s (and Lori’s but they’re not together anymore) in Georgia, and Trevor’s (and his soon-to-be wife’s where Roy is staying now) in Texas, and my internet friend Marie’s in South California and my cousin Jason’s (who is the executive director of the group the designed Call of Duty – I saw the first level on his big screen in his building in Los Angeles before the other levels were even made) as well as my other internet friend Wyatt in South Lake Tahoe in the middle of California. After that two weeks were pretty much done. We turned back, and drove through countless deserts, stretching for miles, and visited Nicole in Iowa (where I got drunk for the last time – I had to quit after how stupid I was that night) who is another internet friend of mine. All before we turned home.

Now, we’re thinking of doing it again. Last time we were able to do it because of a decently sized inheritance from my Grandmother (on my Dad’s side) and some further assistance along the way. This time, My boyfriend wants to go, and his income added to the pool is what is going to allow us to go this time. The only catch? Getting a full month off of work!

The guys at Hardcore Tattoos don’t like giving their employees any time off at all. Not even a single day much less an entire month. That’s why we plan to do it in September, because it’s the slowest month of the year for tattoos. Colleges, and high schools are getting started up for the year. The students are busy with new friends, old friends, new classes, old classes, paperwork, transportation scheduling, early-year parties, etc. But will Nikki go for it? It’s hard to say.

It’s also a full six months away. She’ll have plenty of time to find a temporary replacement for My boyfriend. But that’s exactly what My boyfriend is afraid of. What if they don’t want him back? I think it’s nonsense that they wouldn’t want him back. But My boyfriend has his fears because of what has happened to past employees. But here is how I look at it:

He’s (by far) the best artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most dedicated artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most responsible and reasonable employee at the shop.

And if they don’t want him anymore, he can take his talent elsewhere.

But he doesn’t want to look at it that way. He’s busy looking at the fact that Nikki is unreasonable, and so are his co-workers. They might not be logical and might fire him. Then he might be without work for days, or maybe even weeks or a couple months before finding another good job. I understand the fear, but I think it’s unbiased because Frank (Nikki’s husband) likes him so much. And he has a lot of clientele now who’d be looking for him if he was gone.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 2:31pm

Ayian,

You finally updated! I actually missed a lot of entries because you hadn't written for so long that I forgot to check there for a while. So I just had a delightful morning full of reading your writing.

I was the kid playing with Barbies, but incidently, I developed early, so when I was 9 I was the tallest and largest girl, so I still ended up bullying the boys whenever they teased me by chasing them around, hitting them, kicking them, pulling their hair. And then crying like a little spoiled princess that I was, lol.

On another note, I took dance classes for twelve years, and I still sucked. I learned more about how to dance on my own in the years since I quit then I did in those classes. The classes never taught me how to just feel the music and follow it. And I do get possessed by the music, but it doesn't always come out very attractive. I still love dancing though. I'd love to dance with you.

I took tap dance for seven years, but like I said, I wasn't taught to feel the beat. I just mimicked the steps as best as I could. But my timing was so terrible...

Anyway, I read way back, even re-reading several entries. I don’t mistake you for being older than me anymore. I can recognize you now in some odd way through your writing. Through your lessons and feelings. I want to meet you. Though I’m not so sure anymore what the point really is, since I likely can’t have you, and it would most likely be brief.

I’m (probably) going on another road trip. This time with my Dad and My boyfriend. In September. I don’t know how far you live into Canada, so I don’t know if it would be reasonable to see you or not. Oddly I feel compelled to type out that I love you, which is obviously crazy since we haven’t even met.

Anyway, if we’re to meet, then I’d need your exact address so I could map-quest it from the nearest planned stop on the road trip so I can see if we’d have time to strike north during the trip.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 11:36pm

I can’t say for sure or not if this is like me or not, but I’ve made a complete 180. (I suppose it’s like me, since I made a 180 degree turn in my emotions for Jeremy – when I first met him I hated him, was even disgusted by him.) I’ve made a 180 degree turn around on my emotions towards sex outside of my relationship. I’m starting to even question if I would want to have a threesome with a girl, though I haven’t told My boyfriend that yet.

I keep thinking about him fucking Michelle, and how she made him cum. It makes me queasy to think about it. The face he makes when he thinks about Rocsanne looks just like the face he made when he first met me... I feel so utterly ridiculous for feeling this way when a mere month ago I said that he could fuck whoever he wanted. (With a condom of course.) Just a mere month ago I called myself an understanding girlfriend who understood how sometimes other attractions happened.

I’ve been there. But the odd thing is, I grew out of that. (At least I think I have. I haven’t had a crush outside of a relationship since Jay, and that was mostly because of my utter disgust with Tre at the time.) I’m not interested in other sexual encounters that aren’t with My boyfriend anymore. Sexy strangers don’t attract me anymore. I’m just not interested. I don’t even doubt my power to turn down Tre if he showed up at my door anymore. I know I’d feel no temptation. I know because of how I feel now, because of how much deeper it is.

But what if My boyfriend is still in the same world I was in when I was 15? What if he is having full-blown crushes on girls? What’s the correct solution? I can’t make him feel any other way than how he feels, and after granting this privilege for so long, how is it affecting him to have it taken away?

I guess I know exactly how it’s affecting him. After he told me (grudgingly) that I could fuck Tre while I was on my trip, and then shortly thereafter told me I couldn’t, I was hurt for a while. Then I accepted it. And after I stopped talking to him altogether, I realized that my new life didn’t have room for other interests and fantasies besides My boyfriend, and I came fully to peace with that.

Why does his orgasm make it different? Why does thinking about him cumming in Michelle make all the difference? Why do I fucking care!

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 12:11am

I just had sex with my love. He got all worked up when I showed him how wet I got today – the evidence being a large puddle in my panties. He loves wetness. He left the computer area to go to the bed to masturbate. I kinda figured what he was up to, and I followed him and had sex with him. I wanted to do it anyway, I was just going to wait until a little later.

My boyfriend says I don’t have sex with him enough. He wants sex everyday without fail, especially if he’s going to keep coming come everyday. Okay, we just made an agreement. I’m allowed to miss one day a week (or four days in a month) of fucking him, and for every day over that (if I miss five days in a month) he can spend a day out with the boys that I won’t complain or anything. (If I miss six days in a month, he can go out two days that month, etc.)

I’m pleased with this agreement.

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 4:52pm

2/28/08 1:20AM Eastern Standard Time
Angel Writes Me:

Hey Atara,

Well I’m still digging out your past and I must say you are a very interesting person; so far from tedious, yes you are. I have some questions but can’t quite seem to find the right way to ask; it’s like… difficult to find the perfect words or something.

Anyways, I love your banners that you created. It’s amazing how you put them together by yourself; that’s another thing you excel at!! I recently read your most recent entry and I’m sorry that your Teen Social Club did not go the way you wanted it to go. It’s impossible to tame youths these days, I should know.

…

On a whole different subject; I feel pretty optimistic these days. I re-read some of the e-mails that I sent you months ago and I was shaken by the fact that all I ever did was cast my problems onto you but I couldn’t help it you know? I was completely friendless and lonesome. I wanted someone to spill my guts out to and I felt like I met you at such the perfect time because finally I had found someone who not only was a candid, loving, beautiful woman but also a terrific chick who gave out some helpful advice. You were practically the reason for my smile =) I want to thank you for actually listening to me and not being ignorant like most people here. I want to thank you for being straightforward and being very open. I can honestly make a long list of how brilliant you are but I rather not because it might never have an ending, Lol.

I noticed that most of my e-mails revolved around Darren. Well, Darren was being Darren you know? Did I ever mention that we broke up? Yeah, he was still with his ex (while he was with ME and get this, he was also with ANOTHER CHICK) so he had THREE chicks and well obviously he was enjoying it. I wasn’t upset about it at first because before I went on to the trip (his hometown for Winter Break) I asked God in prayer to give me the truth because I was sick and tired of the confusion and discontent I was receiving from that relationship. And the first day I spent there was when I caught him with his GF. That look on his face was completely priceless; he was trying to hide himself as if I couldn’t see him when he was right in the open, LOL. Later on it did it hit me and I didn’t cry but I dropped some tears. I felt as if I had just lost a friend and I did because he was the first real person I ever really considered a true friend. I confided in him with so much and he made me happy…. Now he’s trying to get me back, he’s calling me baby, constantly sends texts and calls me. I hate to say it but I don’t mind and that’s why my sister is mad at me. Everyone is telling me that I should be a bitch to him and treat him like shit because he deserves it and yes that’s true. I know for a fact that they’re right but even if I wanted to be mean to him, I just can’t. I can’t hate him for making a mistake and I shouldn’t hate him for being only human right? We all make mistakes and he just happened to be one of mine. I told him I don’t hate him and I forgive him… I want to leave him alone but it’s like I’m living off his company or something because he still makes me happy like he use to. I want to be able to consider him as a friend but he thinks the other way… I don’t want to leave him alone because like I stated before he’s the first closest person who seems like an actual friend and if I tell him to quit flirting then he might take it in a offensive way and leave me alone for good. All I want to be is his friend, specifically his best friend. That’s all I want to be to him but that’s hard to do because his feelings for me are… the same as they were ‘back then’….. I know we can be friends; it's possible but I know that he will make it impossible.... He still makes me hate myself *sigh*

Ugh but you know what? I also learned a lot from every thing in the past. All those mistakes I made and all those times I felt worthless made me very strong. I feel as if I’ve been reincarnated into this whole new person. I don’t complain about pointless crap anymore (most of the time, I should say). I don’t cry unless I have a real reason to cry. I don’t use sarcasm as much as I use to. I don’t cuss (I never really did) but I almost got into that type of behavior but luckily I got out unharmed! I was surrounded by so many bad influences that it almost took over my life. I almost believed that there was no meaning to life; that I was just some lifeless, stupid, overemotional crybaby. I realize now that life is life; every thing happens for a reason whether if we like it or not. It all happens because God knows that it’s best for us, even if we don’t think it is.

Basically, I feel a lot more mature. I have a long way to go and learn many, many new things but as for now I am just content with all the happiness, all the bullshit, and of course all the mistakes.

Well, I would love to hear from you; you know a 411? X] Oh and some advice on the Darren situation would be greatly appreciated!

2/28/08 4:54PM Eastern Standard Time
I Write Angel:

Angel,
It’s incredible to see how much you’ve grown in just a few months. I’m still growing up really fast, but not as fast as I was a few years ago. Right now you’re going through an expansive phase – I went through that phase for I’d say four years, two with Jeremy and two with Travanti. When I met My boyfriend, I was already “me” even though I wasn’t fully matured. I still don’t see myself as an adult even though others do.

I think hard relationships is a quick way to learn about life and to grow. My relationship with Travanti was stupid looking back on it, but the fact that I was willing to put up with all the crap he put me through back then just goes to show how much I had to learn yet. I wanted to be friends with Tre, just like you want to be friends with Darren. It might seem possible, and it might seem like a good idea, but there are more factors than just him and you, and his feelings and your feelings.

I’d like to be friends with Jeremy still to this day. Unfortunately, I can’t. The first and foremost reason that I can’t still be friends with Jeremy is because I know he still wishes things could have worked out between us. So it’s hard on him to see how happy I am in my relationship with My boyfriend. But there are two more (almost as large) reasons why him and I can’t be friends. Janet, and My boyfriend. Janet is his girlfriend, and they’ve been going out for the three years (almost four years now) since Jeremy and I broke up. Janet hates me because Jeremy continued to sleep with me while they were together (while Tre and I were together) for like a month. And then, after Tre and I broke up... Jeremy and I started hanging out again for a little while. So Janet thinks I’m a lying bitch... But really, she’s just not intelligent enough for Jeremy in my opinion. Anyway, all of that is besides the point. The point is, while I could be Jeremy’s friend without ever feeling tempted, Jeremy might not feel the same way, and My boyfriend and Janet don’t want us to be friends.

Same for Tre. While I could hang out with Tre without stirring up old feelings (if he actually lived in Buffalo, but he’s long-since gone), Tre probably couldn’t. Or even if he could, there is still Danya and My boyfriend to consider too.

Jeremy was like my first friend too, as well as my first love. I was Tre’s first love. But we can’t be friends because society just doesn’t work that way. The best thing to do (from my experience) is to find another boyfriend. Darren will get jealous if he sees you with another man, which is all the more reason not to have Darren around when you get a new boyfriend.

For me, each new man was a new learning experience. It may not be the best track for everybody, but my relationships brought me understanding, knowledge and maturity. The other girls just didn’t understand what I was going through. Some nineteen-year-old girls still haven’t ever been in a serious relationship. Some girls get married and have kids without discovering what they really want.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have found My boyfriend so early in my life. Some women get old, and die without ever being really loved they way they should be loved. (Some women never have an orgasm during sex! In fact, a lot of them don’t! And I think half the problem is that they’re not really in love.)

My point is, keeping Darren around might end up holding you back.

If it’s any consolation, while right now you might feel like you’ve made a truck load of mistakes over the past few years, and you may feel like life is going to be nothing but a path of failing, when you look back on it, all the mistakes fade away, and you only remember one or two major fuck-ups, but along with them, they’ll be one or two particular memories that are really happy, and one or two memories that are really funny, etc. Just in the last year with My boyfriend, my memories of Tre and Jeremy narrowed down to a hand-full of lessons and happy memories. I stopped dwelling on how stupid I acted, how silly I was, how naive I was. It starts to seem more and more natural that I did the things I did – I was young. I still am young!

One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you. We women adapt better then me do to our partner. We change often when they don’t. And when they don’t change at all, we change even more to compensate, or at least I do. I discovered after I broke up with Tre that I had become a whole other person while I was with him. I was lucky that I was able to change back again over time. I cursed a lot while I was with him, I smoked pot daily, most of the time I smoked multiple times in a day. I was constantly high, and I was gaining weight (slowly but surely), and I was stressed out a lot. I cried while he slept. I lost my sex drive towards the end entirely. I thought at the time that it was normal, that I was just getting older – I was only 17 and I had lost my sex drive! I think it was a combination of my anger towards him and the weed.

I was turning ghetto, and it was a scary thing for my parents. After I broke up with him it was like a dark cloud was lifted. I quit smoking weed (though not entirely until around five months later) and I quit drinking (in April of 2007) and I started to talk like I did before I met him (with the help of my mother’s daily influence) and I became interested in art, poetry and writing again anew. I started dancing again, I started living again. I fell in love again, and accepted that and went out with my new love (My boyfriend) on December 20th of 2006.

I tried to keep on talking to Tre over the phone, but it was causing a disruption in his life and in mine to keep talking to him. Sometime in May or June I think I stopped talking to him even on the phone. We both agreed that it was fucking up our lives to keep on talking. It made Danya and him argue, and it made My boyfriend and I argue. And after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn’t end. It kept turning, life moved on, I discovered that I didn’t miss him after all. I do get curious now and then, but not enough to try and find out what he’s up to these days.

So bare that in mind when you do find another man who you deem as worth your love. His morals and interests need to not conflict with yours. If he lies, and you consider lying unforgivable, then don’t give him the time of day, because over time, his ways will wear on you, and you might find yourself doing things you don’t approve of. If he steals, then he’s not worth it. If he cheats, then he’s not worth it. Even if he’s messy, then you might not want to bother, because would you marry a man who can’t pick up after himself at all? I don’t want to be a maid for life. I was so charmed when I saw My boyfriend fold his own clothing neatly for the first time.

As my mom said to me, a good way to know if a man is right for you is to imagine waking up next to him everyday. Imagine what your room would look like. Imagine how he’d be at the breakfast table with your kids. Imagine kissing him after he got home from work. You’ll know when you imagine those things if he’s right for you or not.

Anyway, I don’t mind. You can tell me anything you want. Everyone has problems, and it’s better to talk about your own problems than to talk about someone else’s. Isn’t it? It’s not gossiping if you’re talking about yourself.

That’s another thing I was thinking about as I was reading your letter. The older we get, the less self-centered we become. It’s kinda natural to be self-centered as a young teenager. You have so much to learn about yourself still. Only now am I really starting to become interested in other people’s lives. I mean, I cared when I was 14, 15, 16 etc, but I wasn’t truly interested and I suppose I didn’t have reason to be when I was so busy noticing myself change and grow.

It sounds to me like you’re on the right track. I appreciate your praise. Not many people bother to point out that I have good advice. Then again, many people don’t point out anything positive about anybody. Keep it up. I look forward to hearing from you.

Letters

Thursday, February 21st 2008 at 1:21pm

“Under existing state management plans – plans approved by the Bush Administration – all but 300 hundred wolves could be killed. That’s 80% of the wild wolves in Greater Yellowstone and the Northern Rockies!

As I wrote last month, federal officials already made it easier to kill wolves while they were still protected under the Endangered Species Act. Now they’re taking the final step, and eliminating these federal protections altogether.

Idaho officials want to use aerial gunning to kill wolves in their state. Wyoming agencies have left the door open to the use of traps and poison to eliminate wolves. And officials in both states – and Montana – have proposed wolf hunts.”

This report made me cry. I recently watched on National Geographic a beautiful depiction of Yellowstone park and it’s wolves, and how wolves were brought back from the brink of extinction by regulations, and acts, and by allowing Yellowstone park to have wolves. Now Bush and his administration are ruing another great thing this country did in the past. How is it possible that he wants to simply destroy everything? How can that really be any person’s goal? How could that be the goal of our president? How could I live in a country where that is something that is legal.

Monday, February 25th 2008 at 2:50pm

Asa Writes Me

Atara,

Hope you're having a fun weekend. I'm impressed with the progress you're making with that youth group, I think it's something that can make a tangible different to kids in your neighborhood, and you've got a good group of helpers already. It's really good work you and your mothers are doing, and I'm happy to help out when I can.

By the way, I'm thinking of placing an order at www.thoughthammer.com in the next few weeks, are there any games you might like to get for the group, or are you set for now? I was thinking light games like For Sale, Coloretto or Carcassonne might be popular. Or party games like Apples to Apples or Wits and Wagers. Yes I have a large collection, but I tend toward more hardcore games, and I'm not always available.

Speaking of availability, I was thinking of throwing a gaming party next Saturday evening, and wondered if next weekend works for you. It would be nice to get more players together, and your presence is always appreciated. I'd like to get some of those 5-6 player games out, like Puerto Rico or Power Grid. Later, Asa

P.S. Just in case you didn't see it online, I've attached the periodic table for Race for the Galaxy, which is a cool reference document.

I Write Asa Back

Awesome chart. It would be very nice to play games this Saturday. Perhaps I'll bring some of my new young friends along. Mike wants to play Race for the Galaxy some more anyway. Though (being that I own the game now) I've decided on some house rules: Hand limit is increased to 15 cards, card building limit is increased to 14 cards, and point-chit limit is the amount that came with the bag.

Mom, My boyfriend, Dad and I tried this out last night and it made for a more interesting game (in my opinion.) Mom won with 52 points, I came in second with 47 points, and Dad and My boyfriend each made 30-something points. The round we played before that with standard rules, none of us made it to 30 points and all felt like the game ended too soon. Perhaps it is a little redundant, but heck, if everyone wants to play longer, than it does no damage, lol.

In terms of the Social Club, it's falling apart for a number of reasons. I think I'm going to try and keep in touch with my favorite members by inviting them to play games and such, either at your place or mine.

Hope to see you Saturday.

~Atara

I Wrote Alan

Alan,

I'm so sorry you're sick! But it's just as well, and perhaps it's another act of god or something...

This whole thing isn't working out. It's getting worse and worse. My financial partner, who owns the house, is hard for me to work with. The original group of fifteen people who were working with me on this have turned out to be more trouble than help. My two main people: Jasmine (who you met) and Amber have been lost. (Jasmine doesn't have the time, and Amber turns out to be a thief and a problem-causer.)

I'm down to two girls I can count on and neither of them have many connections, and because I'm not in High School anymore I can't seem to find people on my own.

The city won't give us a permit to make it a legal social club that can be advertised at schools.

And the location it self is having issues. The basement is flooding, and so the water was turned off inside the house, but it kept rising, so we had to call the city to turn it off, and now there is no water there.

So we won't be able to have the parties this weekend. I only just put all of this together this morning, but it seems to me as though the spirits are telling me to either find another route, or give up on this all together.

My life has been nothing but stress since I started trying to make this work. I've put money out of my own pocket into it, and I haven't made a penny back. I haven't even had one good event, or even a productive meeting.

The first party was a disaster, and the teens don't want to do more productive things, or take on any sort of responsibility. So I'm at a loss for doing anything at all.

I can't spend another dollar out of my own pocket, and I can't find another location, and I don't know anybody else to bring into this. One of the two girls I can count on is pregnant seven months, and the other lives an hour drive away. They both have their own lives to worry about.

The simple fact of the matter is, there are more problems than it's worth it for me to do this. I never thought I'd have to everything myself just because everyone else would back out and be so inconsiderate and irresponsible. I also never guessed the my business partner would turn out to be such an ass hole.

I also never thought that this would take up all of my time, and effect my relationship with My boyfriend, and make me so tired all the time.

As much as I loved the idea, and as much time and effort and money has been sunk into the project, there is nothing to do but let go. It's time to cut my losses and move back to the life I had before this project, the life that allowed me to have time for writing, reading and drawing.

Thank you so much for your support. We'll keep in touch.

~Atara

Alan Writes Back

Atara,

So sorry to hear of the sad news. What you are trying to accomplish is a wonderful endeavor. In my mind you are destined make projects like this a successful reality at some point. The experience you had with it should be a lesson learned and only make your attempts at whatever you embark next easier. As you have learned there are many logistical barriers to manage when running anything like a business. You had a wonderful idea and tried to make it a reality. Take the experience, both good and bad, and learn from it. Please keep in touch and keep your head held high, you've too much heart and talent to you let it linger.

Thank you, Alan

Memories & Crusifer

Tuesday, February 19th 2008 at 4:47pm

My boyfriend,

I was going to reply in your journal by hand, but I simply have too much to say.

You’re not just a simple artist to me. You’re a complex and interesting artist. Don’t you remember the list of things you’re never supposed to forget? Fifteen through eighteen:

15. You are my equal, 16. I have the utmost respect for your art, 17. Us being apart would be just as hard for me! 18. Love + Creation are my two most important passions. And you represent them both for me.

In other words, I view you the same way I view myself. And your art is not to be dismisses as unimportant, because it’s obviously very important. Being apart from you is just as dreadful as a thought for me as it is for you. Love and creation is what I need, want and crave from life and you give me those things. I need you. You know that. Stop fretting.

I might be growing up, but you’re growing too. You’ve been so good to me lately. I wish things would stay this way. I could marry the My boyfriend that I see you as today. I could wake up every morning the way I woke up this morning.

You’re right, you do have confidence issues, but don’t we all? I’m not strong physically either you know. I’m not funny, though I try to be spontaneous sometimes. I’m not a prodigy. I’m not in college. I don’t have a career. I’m no fantastic prize either, looking at it in that light.

Our talents, skills, and assets are not what make us. Maybe you forget that because I always tangle your art with my love. Our personalities fit. We fit. We’re poison porcupines, babe. You and me. We’re a man and a woman from the same slab of clay. You may have been painted the color of wood, and I the color of the moon, but we’re the same underneath our skin and sex. You know that as much as I do.

I can’t replace you and more than you can replace me. For you to think that I could simply replace with you with Will, or Jeremy, or Tre, or some other random nigga is just as ridiculous as saying you could replace me with Brianna, or Courtney or Michelle or Rocsanne. What don’t you understand about me wanting you?

I’m sorry if I can’t have sex with you each and every day. Sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes my pussy hurts. But otherwise I try to please you. And what’s this about how I don’t do the simple things you ask of me? You can’t honestly expect me to frolic around in my lingerie (that itches) in this weather. It’s uncomfortable and cold. You’ve said countless times about how you want it on when we have sex, and after that how you don’t much care. I’m sorry if I didn’t do it that one time when you asked me to, but seriously, what did you do for me on Valentine’s day or my birthday for that matter? You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

As for not complaining anymore when you leave the bed... I thought that was a good thing? I’m trying very hard to adapt to your habits. Subconsciously when I’m not doing it consciously. You like to leave me while I’m sleeping and get annoyed if I bother you, so I’m trying to get used to enjoying having the bed to myself, instead of dwelling on your absence.

On the issue of my remark about our relationship getting lame. I meant that we don’t strive to be together much anymore. We’re starting to act like those couples that pass each other without kissing, or even touching, or even looking. We don’t stare into each other’s eyes anymore. We don’t complain when the other leaves. We’ve started just doing our own things separately. You don’t inform me of where you’re going when you go downstairs. Just like my Dad disappears without telling my mom or I anything about where he is going.

And though I never asked you to be spontaneous before. I guess you’re right. It would be nice if you were spontaneous now and then. It’s not really a hard trait to acquire. No where near as hard as starting a conversation. Being spontaneous like writing me a letter, or drawing me a picture, or suggesting we go out on a walk (someday when it’s raining, or when the air smells of dew and the wind doesn’t blow to hard) or taking me to the movies by surprise. Or coming home with berries from Wilson Farms (check for mold!!!) or Orange Juice or flowers. You could write me poetry, but that is a bit more tricky.

Though I’m not saying you have to do all of those things, but any of those things would please me immensely, and you say that what you really want to do is please me, and I believe you, because I know how much I want to please you.

I’m possessive of you too. The same way you are of me. You get jealous of my vibrator because you can’t understand why you can’t put your dick in me instead. Is that really any different then my reaction to you saying you’d have Nikki order your laptop for you? Is that really any different from my suddenly realizing I couldn’t stand you fucking other girls? I want to own you. I want to say, “That is my man, and he’ll do anything I ask, because we love each other, and he’s mine.” I mean, not that I really want to say that, but I want it to be that way.

I know you want the same from me. We’re on the same page sweetie. Really, we are. I want to improve myself too, I just think I have some different ideas about self improvement than you do. For example, I’d like to perfect my speech, and to talk more eloquently. I’d like to sit with my back straight. I like to learn yoga. I’d like to meditate everyday and increase my healing capability. I’d like to dance more often and improve my rhythm. I’d like to perfect my typing, and my writing, and my grammar, and for that matter, my spelling as well. I’d like to learn more about health, and cooking, and food. I’d like to learn more about you, what you like, what you need, and what your priorities really are.

You want to 3D model, animate your models, learn flash and web-design. You want to perfect you pencil artwork, your tattoo artwork, and learn to paint and work with colors. I also know that you want to perfect your cunnilingus, you sex, your romantic side, and perhaps on a more subconscious level you’d like to improve your self expression in language as well. Unfortunately between me and work that doesn’t leave room for much time to improve things other that tattoo art and relationship stuff. The only way to work it in to our lifestyle and succeed is to maximize our efficiency by working such things together. One of the reasons I brought up going to college. I think it would be good for us to learn together, and study together.

You do realize, don’t you, that we came really close to breaking up? I can’t pinpoint when, but reading your writings and mine, we definitely came close, and you changed things. You changed it. You have my everything My boyfriend. If you come home and proclaim that the both of us are going to work on flash, I’m not likely to contradict you. If you come home and proclaim that I will teach you how to put your hardcore website into html and put it on the web than I would (most likely, depending on my day) be more than willing to oblige.

I miss you. I can’t seem to think about anything but you today, just like the old days.

~Phoenix

Wednesday, February 20th 2008 at 4:21pm

I calculated the hours I’ve been spending working on this Social Club. I’ve been keep track of them.

For example, on January 28th 2008, at the beginning on week three on a Monday, I promoted at ten different schools with Jasmine and Ashley. Then right afterwards I held the very first meeting. And when I got home I updated & checked the Social Club websites. That day I got up a 7:30am to do all of that. I never get up that early anymore so that day was a real hassle for me. I spend twelve hours that day. On average I’ve been spending thirty seven hours a week on it, which doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Pay off so far? Nothing.

Very depressing. I’ve been taking my Sunday’s off, and Monday I took off this week as well. I took my nineteenth’s birthday off, but other than that... This thing is consuming my life. After the longest week yet being last week it’s no wonder I lagged around Monday feeling pretty blah and just taking care of anything besides the Social Club stuff. Especially after the shenanigan that the first party was. Mom has this plan to turn the thing into an after school program. We’ll see how that turns out.

In other news, My boyfriend and I have been doing very well lately in my opinion. I made him this poster yesterday that says “Phoenix” and “Muse” with a big heart in between. It’s very artzy, and it’s lime green, pink and black to coordinate with the rest of the room. It’s covered in heart stickers, and sentiments and small drawings and such. It’s about two feet by a foot and half big. It’s hanging above his computer. I think he likes it, or at least like’s the sentiment.

*smiles* I’m feeling a new surge of love for him lately. Like we met all over again.

Phoenix & Muse

Thursday, February 21st 2008 at 1:21pm

Jeremy,

I’ve been thinking about you here and there consistently since I last saw you. Perhaps not so consistently because of the Teen Spirit Social Club as of late, but it feels consistent. You popped into my mind this morning as I was thinking about my wedding plans with My boyfriend. Who knows why.

I’ve had some random thoughts towards you. Remember when we watched some episode of Samurai Champloo together? When was that? I remember you saying I was odd for liking the outro song, and not the intro. That everyone else was the other way around. Seems like I’ve grown up to be more normal than I thought I would be, since now I prefer the intro song, though the outro is still kinda nice.

I was thinking this morning about how you knew I was looking for something I couldn’t seem to find. You knew me better than I knew myself back then. I think you contributed to my habit of constantly analyzing myself. I think it’s a healthy thing to do, and that we all should do it. I always ask myself why I feel the way I do. It helps me feel at ease with the way I feel about anything and everything.

Why do I still think about you? Most likely because you were my first love. You understood me, and you changed me. I still use your phrases like – what the fruit cup? – in my everyday life. I sometimes still think about how you would react to something I say or do. This morning I wondered how you’d react to being invited to my wedding. I can see the sad look in your eyes. That look that has painted your face since the day you left me. I never see it change.

Is that how you look at Janet? She must see how sad you are. If I were her, I’d blame myself, and hate myself for making you so sad.

I didn’t really hold much expectation of you visiting again after your brief visit when Laura, Jay, and my brother Roy all happened to be here. I dreamed last night that you showed up again, at the same time as someone... But I can’t remember who that other someone is. I just remember feeling how ironic that was.

Would you come to my wedding if you could? I’d like you to be best man, next to Tina, my only bride’s maid. Will won’t come because he’s too crazy about me to come. But you’re more mature than Will is... Perhaps it wouldn’t bother you that much? I suppose it’s foolish to think so. Of course you wouldn’t come. You’d probably cry if you’re anything like you used to be.

Remember what you said to me? When I was on Lee’s porch? I kept pestering you after you dumped me. I kept hoping that you’d fall in love with me again. It seems clear to me now what I should have done to snag you back into my life. But if I could go back in time (as I’ve said before) with all of the memories and lessons already learned, I’d go back to the day I met you, and make you my very best friend. We would be best friends to this day, and you’d come over and hang out with me and Tina and My boyfriend. The three of us would get along well.

I’m sorry Jeremy. I’m so sorry for everything. I hurt you, I misjudged you. I didn’t come back to you when you asked for me back. Tre was a liar, a thief, and an ass hole, and I could only see the latter of the three, and didn’t think it was that serious. What a fool I was. He played me like a fiddle, and for some stupid reason I thought at the time that I had found myself someone better than you just because he supposedly had a job, just because he supposedly was going somewhere in life, just because he wasn’t fat. What foolish notions I had.

Teeth, and fat, and hair, and style can all be changed. The things wrong with Tre are much harder to change – his morals, his ideals, his habits, his lifestyle... You will be the love I remember when I’m old. Assuming My boyfriend and I don’t ever break up, because then I’d fondly remember him too. He’s a lot like you, you know. Mary has said so, and I think you said so too. He’s the version of you that’s even more like me. He’s what I was looking for.

How did you know that somewhere inside me I was still looking? I didn’t know. You know, as much as My boyfriend is like me, and as much as I’ll say he is what I’ve been looking for, he still can’t read me like you did. You knew my buttons practically inside and out. At least I felt like you did.

My boyfriend doesn’t know how to control me. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons things are still going so smoothly. If he got a power-trip on how bendable I am, things might change.

I remember Tre like a bad dream fogged in thick brown weed smoke. I remember you through flower-petal glasses. Though as much as you loved me, and as much as you understood me, waiting for me was too much, wasn’t it? My lust, my drive, my immaturity, my naivety was just too much to stand, and I can understand that. Tre’s immaturity was too much for me. I couldn’t hang around and wait for him to grow up. And in his case, and in mine, being broken up with was just the right wake up call.

If I could go back in time, without my memories and lessons, there would be no point. I’d do it all over again. I’d have to do it all over again. Your love and lessons taught me how to control myself, and how to be a lady. I still strive to be a lady, in my own way. I’ve evolved my notion of what a lady is, and what sort of lady I want to be. My boyfriend knows that it’s still something I aspire to. He thinks it has more to do with you than it does. It’s my own journey now, one that I take for me, and for no one else. Yet I have you to thank for starting me down the right path.

And I almost lost that path while I was with Tre. Did you fear for me back then? When I was high, and tipsy, and eating fried food everyday, watching the Simpsons and Futurama and being emotionally abused. And even though he didn’t (usually) hit me right to the face, and even though he never really hurt me (like breaking a bone) he threw me, pushed me, squeezed me, shook me, and twisted my mind until I wasn’t even recognizable. My mom feared for me.

How could I have not known? Perhaps some part of me was still blinded with the hurt from being without you. But in these days, the memories that don’t involve My boyfriend involve you. My thoughts of Tre blur, and twist, and dim. My memories of you become small gems in the sand of my memory, never washing away with the tide, only shining brighter as the details fade, and only the warm feeling remains.

I remember dreams I had of you while I was with Tre. Just you and me, and that feeling I had while I was with you. That feeling I had when I fell asleep in your arms in the apartment night after night...

You weren’t grown up either, but you were much farther than I was... Both in love for the first time, and truly clueless about real sacrifice, clueless about commitment, clueless about forgiveness... What do those things really mean anyway? Do either of us really know, even now?

Inside a red gem on my beach of memory I hold especially close the trip to Myrtle Beach. I have yet to go on a long vacation with My boyfriend. He’s been with me to Toronto, to SFX, just like Tre was two years previous. My boyfriend has been to the Renaissance Fair with me, and to Hawk Creek and to Shakespear in the park. But never a real trip. There hasn’t been a trip like that since... I wish I could clearly remember what the moon looked like.

The ocean was dark the turning, and softly rumbling towards and away from us. The sand was cold. The wind was strong. And the moon was red... I remember that it was red. I remember trying to stay close enough to you to stay warm. I remember my big pink and blue beach towel. I remember you looking at that girl when we were in the hot tub. I remember my yeast infection, and biting you... I remember us pushing the twin beds together... I remember the wine, and getting drunk with Dad and you. I remember the fire crackers... Have I missed anything important? I can’t seem to remember much else...

My boyfriend and I plan to go on a road trip with my Dad, like Dad and I went on in March. We’re thinking about going in September. That would be a unique experience...

Where am I going with all of this? As I was saying before... About what you said when we were on Lee’s porch. You said you wanted me to be a star among many in the sky. I’d like you to be a star in my sky. It always makes me sad that you can’t be.

Perhaps after I’m married we could be friends? Maybe then Janet couldn’t be jealous? If you spent enough time with me, surely you’d get used to the idea of me being your friend...

Right?

Perhaps you’ll never even read this... Perhaps I won’t ask TuJuan to tell you to come visit me. I know your answer. You won’t come to my wedding. You won’t be my friend. I know.

If anything we’re to ever go wrong in my life, I’d like to think you’d be there, but perhaps you can’t be there, and perhaps it’s silly to think you would be.

I’m not sorry I loved you with all my heart. I’m not sorry that I got my heart broken. I’m not sorry I did those foolish things. Those foolish things made me who I am now. And the person I am now is brash enough to invite you to my wedding, bold enough to propose that we should be friends.

We should be friends.

We should. Yet I know you’re answer. Because I think I know what our actions turned you into. I’m sorry first loves never work out, because you deserved me, even if I wanted more.

*kisses your forehead and then sets you on your merry way*

~Phoenix

Jealousy & Dreams

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 11:49pm

I never knew this would happen. I probably should have expected it. But even if I had, I never could have imagined it would happen so fast, and that it would be so bitter.

My interest in an open relationship has shrunk, receded, and reduced, and then suddenly, close to the point of saying that I wanted none of it, I find myself as jealous and perhaps even as prude as the next person. I feel stupid for feeling this way, but it can no longer be contained or ignored.

Was it only a week ago, or two weeks ago that I proclaimed My boyfriend should bring this chick home so we could mess with her? Come to think of it, that was around my birthday, so it was two weeks. In only two weeks time my mind has changed entirely around. Despicable... Hypocritical of me... But I have not the ability to reign in this feeling with logic.

Perhaps I was not so attached as I am now? Perhaps I was more sure from naiveness in the past? Perhaps I was just more interested in being kinky and now I’m growing older? But why so fast? It scares me. I’m not used to being so lost by my own emotions anymore. I’ve studied them. I gauge my reactions accurately with everything... Everything but this.

Jealousy. I want to (irrationally) tell him to never talk to her again. I want him to (cruelly) tell her that she’s ugly, and stupid and not good enough for him. I want to (immaturely) spam her with hate messages. It’s retarded, is it not? So why in all damnation do I feel this way?

Tuesday, February 19th 2008 at 1:29pm

I had a dream last night that I was having a dream where my clit was a penis, and I was bending it down into my slit. I was enjoying this for a while, but then I grew tired of it and called My boyfriend over to have sex with me instead. He refused, and I grew annoyed. Then I woke up, or at least I thought I woke up. I no longer had a penis for a clit, but I was still terribly horny, and was actually upset that I had no immediate way to pleasure myself. So I called My boyfriend over again. He left his porn on, which made it all the more enjoyable, because I could hear the woman screaming in the background. As he entered me I noticed that I was on my period.

In the dream the sheets were white. Fluffy (my childhood ‘pillow’ that is a stuffed dog of purple and white) was on my bed in the dream, and I fretted when My boyfriend grabbed it with his bloody hands. But then I relaxed because it would be a memory of the wonderful pleasure I was feeling. I looked about the bed and found more evidence of our love making everywhere. A bloody patch down the sheet, several hand prints, and marks on the pillows as well.

Suddenly My boyfriend leaves the bed and returns with a small TV displaying porn and plugs it into our much larger TV in front of the bed, and sits it next to the regular TV on the shame shelf. It’s displaying a woman with large breasts, wearing a skin tight purple dress. I watch avidly as he begins to have sex with me again... Then, half waking up for real this time I wonder why I’m not having sex with My boyfriend and call him over for some real morning sex.

Turns out my period did start in the night. No surprise since I haven’t take my pill two days now. Pulling out is probably not the wisest choice of action, but I can find no other sacrifice I’m willing to make. (Refer to previous entry about birth control...)

After My boyfriend left for work I read the last chapter of Breath and Bone. I was extremely sad that the series was over. I am still sad that the series is over. I wish another one was coming out. There were a couple of things left written, but not enough for me to suspect another book. Most certainly the best two books I ever read before. So genius. It reminds me of something I once thought of with my Barbie dolls as a child, but in way more depth, and much more logical... The imagery was so vivid and beautiful that I feel as though I watched a very good, very long, movie. I can actually picture each one of the characters in clarity, and entire scenes from the book roll through my head...

Outside, right now, the wind is howling here in Buffalo. My boyfriend walked to work through that snow this morning. I wish it was rain instead of snow. I like rain.

I got My boyfriend to agree (again) to us getting married in April of 2009. I hope it rains. That would be so cool, and so fitting. Rain is cleansing, and moving. It’s full of life, and it brings life. Rain is action, movement... It fills all the senses. You can taste it, you can smell it, you can touch it’s cold fluid droplets, you can hear it splattering and falling in a rush, you can see it streak the scenery with small white lines, almost invisible, but completely unignorable.

I feel good this morning. Perhaps because I took two days off from the Social Club in a row. Sunday I spent with My boyfriend, and Monday I spent cleaning, writing, reading, and napping. (And on the phone with tech support, but then, what day off is really a day off?)

I wish I could feel like this more often.

Pah, simply to ruin my mood, it has occurred to me I should go take some more of those calcium-magnesium-zinc tablets I bought a while back. Last time I was on my period I was at the mall and I bought them to help ease my cramps. It worked. I should take more before my cramps catch hold of me today. Aha! I shall be preemptive of thee pain! *assorted cackling and other malicious laughs*

Tuesday, February 19th 2008 at 1:47pm

Nicole,

I already got the lowest hormone pill there is. There isn’t one with any less in it. And the sugar in it is probably what’s making me sleepy, and that is also probably why my appetite has increases since sugar does both of those things. It’s also the likely culprit for why the smell makes me sick, because the smell of sugar makes me feel sick too. I always stay clear of the candy isle.

The shot however is an absolute no. I will never even try the shot once because even a one time usage stays in the body for a nine months to a year. My friend Tina lost her period entirely from it. (I know you’re supposed to get it in three months, but she didn’t, so they said to wait until she did. After a year of not having her period at all, they gave her pills to restart her cycle!) It’s also the highest dosage of hormones you can put into the body (I have looked these things up by the way, but supposedly all these side effects are unlikely, but of course, unlikely stuff always effects me) and there is no way to simply take the hormones out if you don’t like them. One of the most common side effects of the shot is weight gain, which effected Tina and a friend of hers who tried it at the same time as her. They both switched off the shot because of it’s numerable side effects.

And on top of all of that, I cry when my blood is drawn. My tetanus shot (which was supposed to only hurt a little for one day) hurt for four days, and it swelled up, and every time I moved my arm is sent bolts of fire through my body. So I’m just a little bit scared of shots.

Marie,

It’s not that I hate lubes or anything like that, it’s just that both My boyfriend and I are very into smells and tastes, and looking, and all of that. The full experience, not just the feeling of the in and out. By the time you’ve added a condom, t’s no fun to look at it, and by the time you’ve added lube it ruins the taste and smell too.

And as you can probably guess, flavored lube is totally out of the question. (Sugar, yeast – need I say more?)

Hallie,

I think it’s a good idea to wear condoms at least though part of the month. Thinking about it as a sometimes is a lot easier than thinking about condoms as a always. I think I will try looking into my ovulation for that purpose.

Thanks guys. I always have a new way to look at things after reading my comments, and I almost always then have more to write about as well.

Happy snowflakes!

Birth Control & Candy Hearts

Sunday, February 17th 2008 at 3:53pm

My boyfriend is being very cooperative today. We cleaned together. We stood up the futon on it’s end, cleaned out everything from under the bed (mostly My boyfriend’s hair and various pairs of my panties) and swept, and mopped. I rearranged my crafting table, he rearranged his office space. I didn’t do anything with my desk, but it’s still a large improvement to the room.

What’s even better is he danced with me when I put the music on. We listened to his music for a while, and then my music for a while, and then I requested silence and he complied. So in short, the day is going well. And despite how much I probably should write a real entry, I’m going to play Diablo II with him... *sigh*

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 1:52am

My boyfriend and I are trying to remember what happened Wednesday so we can put it on the chart. But neither of us can remember for sure. It’s hilarious. There is no journal entry from either of us on that day, and no other evidence either of us can come up with as to what we did. This is the only thing I have, (from my hours record): “Requested more adds. Found more staff for party. Created more packets. Designed new site.”

Interesting that would be all there is. Interesting...

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 1:41pm

I feel that yesterday brought My boyfriend and I closer. We discussed a number of important matters pertaining to our relationship and lives in general.

Hm, the granola I just ate... Is oddly making me feel very sick to my stomach. I hate to lay back down again... So much I want to accomplish today that has naught to do with the Social Club for once. I’m most certainly taking this day off from that. It’s tempting to simply read my book until I’m finished. The last few chapters of “Breath and Bone” are but a few hours reading time away from completion. I don’t want the book to end.

Oh good, my stomach doesn’t seem as unsettled as I thought. Come to think of the Social Club I come to realize there is a meeting next Monday I have yet to mark on the website. Alan is supposed to meet with us.

My boyfriend doesn’t want me to be involved with this Social Club anymore. Saturday night I cried for a long time, retelling the stories of the things that happened Friday night after I had left everything in the supposedly capable hands of my staff. Attempted suicide. Broken doors. Broken wall. Stolen CDS. Stolen chips. Broken doorknob. Soda all drank. Trash everywhere. Etc.

I was so upset that no one had followed directions. The bouncers were the ones that needed bouncing. The supervisors needed supervision. The coordinator needed coordination. The food servers ate the food they were supposed to protect from been overly eaten. It was ridiculous.

My boyfriend says he wants to provide for me...

*ring, ring, ring* Some idiot calling me on my My boyfriend phone, instead of my Social Club phone. I called them back on my Social Club phone. It was one of my staff who failed terribly. One of my Supervisors. Heh. She wanted to know when the next meeting is. Friday at 5:00pm I said. I need to post that on our site...

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 2:03pm

Think twice about Sugar!

"Be mine." "Hot stuff." "Kiss me."

Cute messages of love on a classic Valentine's Day candy – the biggest selling sweet other than chocolate for February 14th.

But not the sweetest message you could give to the planet, or your body. Here are the top three reasons why Valentine's conversation hearts are not eco-friendly:

#1 – Sugar

Did you know that sugar production around the world is damaging natural treasures like the Great Barrier Reef off Australia's coast and the Everglades wetlands in Florida?

According to WWF International, 121 countries produce the annual 145 tons of sugar the world eats. And unfortunately, this sugar cane and sugar beets are grown with plenty of pesticides and create toxic runoff into soil and water.

The Sugarcane Production and Environment Report (PDF) notes that it takes a whopping 1,500-3,000 liters of water to produce just 1 kg of sugar. Refining factories regularly belch out soot, ash, and other solids, while ammonia is released during sugar processing.

Better management practices could make sugar a cleaner product. But until cane growers agree to be sustainable, consumers might want to make more informed choices.

It'd be great if we could find more fair-trade sugar, but in the meantime, it's not a bad idea to cut back on sugar. Easier on the waistline, not to mention the intestines, anyway.

#2 – Corn syrup

Next in the original recipe for Necco's Sweethearts Conversation Hearts is corn syrup. Now, we're not positive if this is the awful high-fructose corn syrup that's in so many of our processed foods (and has been directly linked to the American obesity crisis – if you didn’t know, one in three of us is over-weight and headed for diabetes, cancer or alzheimer's at a shocking rate). But any kind of corn syrup has little to recommend it.

Corn is massively over-farmed and subsidized in the U.S., (with the US government spending 30 billion a year to make it) and this is causing a host of environmental problems right on our doorstep. Grist points out that corn farmers pour 10 billion pounds of fertilizer on their fields every year, and this junk washes down the Mississippi River into the Gulf of Mexico. The waste creates a giant algae bloom known as the "Dead Zone" that kills fish and marine plants.

#3 – Gelatin

Number three in the recipe and the third reason these seemingly innocent treats aren't so innocent for the eco-minded. This is the stuff we usually associate with wiggly-jiggly Jello. Gelatin is often used in candies and desserts as a stabilizer or to simulate the mouth-feel of fat.

If you weren't aware of it already, gelatin comes from animals. Specifically, it's the boiled-down collagen from connective tissues, bones, and skin of cattle and pigs.

As we've noted before, raising livestock for food is pretty inefficient and produces far more greenhouse gases than eating a plant-based diet. You don't have to be hardcore about it – just cutting back on animal products a few days each week for a more flexitarian lifestyle is earth-friendly.

Instead of candy hearts...

Want some alternatives to those candies? If you're the sentimental type, buy a pack of recycled-content pink construction paper, cut it into big heart shapes, and write your own sweet messages on each heart.

Scatter them around your Valentine's house, tuck one in your love's briefcase or purse, sneak one in the car before your loved one drives off to work – this will be a Valentine's Day to remember!

Or if your babe prefers something edible, go for fair-trade or organic chocolates. That'll guarantee a gift that's rich, decadent, and sweet on Mother Earth too. (Not to mention won’t send your loved one into inflamation of the gut, or the gene-altering cycle that sugar causes within our blood stream leading us towards chronic diseases!)

For your wife or girlfriend you also might want to try running a warm bath with rose petals and scented oils and heating up their towel in the dryer. Much more romantic than cheap candies that hurt the earth and body!

For your husband or boyfriend you also could try greeting him at the door, taking his coat, shoes, scarf, hat, gloves (etc) and leading him into the dinning room where you have prepared a home cooked candle-lit dinner with organic meats, fresh or steamed vegetables, and brown rice. This will not only be a great alternative to candy, but it will also be healthy, romantic, and eco-friendly!

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 2:52pm

Nathan,

It’s not that I couldn’t give the virtual ring back at the time, it’s that he didn’t want it back anymore because he was mad at me for taking it. Yes, I’m aware that game items can be sold for money, but neither My boyfriend or I am involved in such things.

As for living on my own, the thought frightens me and excites me both. But my parents are rather agreeable. I think my presence here helps, and I know the presence of my mother helps me.

Hallie,

I’ve actually considered that before. That perhaps Brianna left My boyfriend because My boyfriend was sexist and winy or whatever. But she did do some fucked up thinks, according to My boyfriend, of course. For example, when their baby was born and he came to the hospital, she told him he shouldn’t have come, without explanation. She spent more time with her friends than she did with him. (He realizes now that he’d been doing the same to me which made him change his ways quite a bit over the past month.) And while she might not have been a total bitch, she wasn’t affectionate or kinky in the ways that My boyfriend is, so it would have been hard for her to ever understand or accept him, or for him to do likewise for her.

I can see why she left him based on the character My boyfriend has described of her. She was undoubtedly bored. My boyfriend loves computers, video games, art, sex and affection. She loved socializing, partying, getting fucked up, and talking. She was a Christian, and he is a Satanist (or so he calls himself anyway), which of course would never work. From my perspective, their pairing was as bad as mine with Travanti. Simply would never work no matter how you look at it.

On the other topic you commented about a while back... I probably am not an emotionally healthy adult yet. After all, I have not been single since I was eleven, and I’ve been thinking that this means that I have never known myself as just myself. I’ve always been me and someone else for as long as my memory can really stretch.

Just last night I was thinking that our relevant memory lasts about a year. Because now I find it difficult to recall many things about Tre. I don’t remember what the arguments were really like, or how the ups and the downs of the relationship really went. All my relevant memories are consumed by My boyfriend. I was thinking that without having a year of being single, I have forgone ever having all of my relevant memories being of self, and only self. Chances are, based on that, that I will never be emotionally independent as most young women become at this point in their life.

I can’t see how my parents really affect that any further. I see my mom a lot, yes. We talk everyday, and we go places together, but for the most part, I feel like going downstairs is visiting her, and like her coming upstairs is visiting me. It’s as though this really is an apartment for me. But, you’re right that I’m not an emotional independent adult, I just think it has more to do with my lack of being single than my lack of living away from home.

Newlywedbliss,

Glad to have your input. I hope to hear more from you in the future.

Tater,

As you’ve probably already read, My boyfriend and I moving anywhere is an unlikely event at this point in time. My boyfriend and I have been thinking along the lines of finishing this house once for all, buying it from my parents and keeping it after they’re gone and raising our kids here. It’s not set in stone, but it’s the plan for now.

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 3:08pm

I simply don’t know what to do about birth control. I started out on the pill when I was 11 or 12 or so. At first it seemed okay. But I kept forgetting to take them, causing my period to come off schedule. I wasn’t aware then of my body’s reaction to everything I ingested, so the only things I noticed were that when I forgot to take it, and took double that sometimes I would get cramps, or bleed-through, and for some odd reason they suddenly started to make me nauseated.

The little round green thing was so small, but it bothered me more than the large white calcium. I couldn’t stand it’s sugary smell, or the texture of the small smooth thing on my tongue. Without juice I refused to take it. I began to hate the things, and loathe taking them.

When the patch came out when I was fourteen or so, I was delighted. All I had to do was change it once a week and I was home free! Three patches a month, how much simpler could it be? I noticed no difference in sexual appetite, no difference in moods. Just seemed like it was harmless.

Maybe my body changed over the years of maturing in such a way that my body started to disagree with the thing. My breasts grew after changing to the patch, which I hadn’t realized was a direct result. They swelled and then, around a year ago when I met My boyfriend they started to hurt. I was 17 at the time, and hadn’t noticed how much they hurt to be touched until starting off in a new relationship full of affection.

Oddly, after wearing them for so long I started forgetting to change them on time too. Who knows why. This only made matters worse I assume.

A mystery hit me when I had sex with My boyfriend for around the sixth or seventh time and it hurt terribly. I had never felt it hurt like that except during a yeast infection and assumed that was what it was. Online friends confirmed that often they would get a yeast infection when changing partners, so I assumed that’s what it was. Though fear of a genital disease plagued me.

I went to get it checked out and to my complete confusion I did not have an STD, or a yeast infection. So why did it hurt to use the bathroom and to have sex? Why did I spend a week crying in the bathtub trying not to scratch?

It went away and stayed away for months so I assumed that what ever it was, was gone for good. I nearly forgot about it until it happened again. And the second time it seemed to never go away. I waited for three weeks to have sex again, but within two or three times of having sex it was hurting again. I made another visit to the GYN and they said the same thing, no yeast, no disease.

So why did it feel like my insides were on fire?

I tried waiting it out over and over again, but every time it came back. We got down to having sex once a week, at times. It was embarrassing. Coriver thought I was exaggerating the level of pain, but I wasn’t.

I asked the doctor then about the breast soreness the next time I came in, practically given up on the fire in between my legs that had no answer. She said that the breast pains could very well be caused by the patch. She suggested pills and I refused. She suggested the shot and I refused. She showed me the new item, the nueva ring, which is a flexible insert.

At first I was elated. It was easy to put in, easy to take out, and I only needed one a month! One week into it, the spot on the inside that gives me pleasure seemed to disappear. “No pleasure in sex anymore, sorry!” The ring seemed to say. And then, on top of it, with each day to follow it began to hurt more and more. It seemed to get hotter than normal inside, and my skin felt raw exactly where the ring was located on the inside.

Disgusted, angry, and upset discussed it with My boyfriend, and we decided to be rid of it. Since I already had a follow-up scheduled for January of 2008 I didn’t bother to go in. Instead we tried condoms.

Ha. That was a fine idea, wasn’t it? You would think that. Except that no matter how wet I got the friction seemed to sop all of it up, and My boyfriend’s wetness could not aid me at all. It caused even more pain. Yes, yes, I know there all kinds of lubricants out there, but they don’t smell or taste like sex, and neither My boyfriend or I want anything to do with them. By the time you have a condom and fake juices, what’s left to enjoy!?

We spent a blissful couple of months using the not-so-recommenced pull-out method. My sex drive seemed to become normal again. My moods balanced out over some time, and I felt more alive. My breasts shrunk down to their normal size and stopped hurting entirely! And the fire between my legs was finally gone. It was indeed the birth control all along! I was free, I was happy. Even my sleep was better.

So I go into my appointment in January and to my dismay I am prescribed with pills, because what else can I do? I set my phone alarm to remind me to take them. I’ve not forgotten them thus far. But to my utter disgust, just under two weeks into taking them, last night, we go to have sex, and for no apparent reason my insides hurt, and burn. Every stroke makes it worse until I burst into tears, and jerk away. The nauseating sensation was bad enough every time I took the pill, but I will not tolerate having extremely slow sex once a week because anything else will feel like knives. That’s just ludicrous!

What good is birth control if I can’t have sex while I’m on it? What good are condoms if they turn pleasure into pain as well? I feel hopeless to please My boyfriend now, or even myself.

Needless to say, I didn’t take my pill last night. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 3:51pm

I almost forgot to mention some other disturbing experiences since I started the pill. I've been extremely tired, and I now notice looking back on it that I slept tons better while I was off of birth control completely. I also notice that this has increased my appetite and that I've been suddenly craving foods I have not even thought about eating in a long time (like potato chips, pizza, french fries, hamburgers, chicken nuggets and white rice) and it's also made me feel this odd sort of distance from the world.

I would brush all of that off as being "all in my head" except for the fact that I didn't expect any of those things to happen, but all of those things did happen, and I couldn't figure out why, and then I suddenly realized that it all began about two days into taking the pill.

I'm not supposed to react to it for much longer than that, but then again, my mom cuts her caffeine pills into quarters, and if she takes one of those quarter-pills too late into the day she can't sleep. Let's remember than her and I share half of our genetics.

This world and it's creations often disgust me, especially at times like these. I feel poisoned.

Ups and Downs of a Teen Social Club

Thursday, February 7th 2008 at 4:30pm

Pat,

I respect what you’re saying. But what do you REALLY think I’m trying to do here? Erin is not going to be at any parties or events, he’s just renting me the location. In fact, I’ve had him stop talking to Jasmine because he obviously gives people the creeps. He’s not talking to anybody but me now. He’s not involved, he’s just renting me the space.

Second of all, what do you think I’m going to have going on at these parties? You make it sound like I’m going to let thirteen year old girls shoot coke or something. I would never allow something like that! I especially wouldn’t allow someone to try a drug out that they’ve never done before under the name of a Social Club that belongs to me. In fact, I wouldn’t let that happen in front of me anywhere!

What are you trying to imply? That this guy is going to have sex with these teens? That I’m doing to be providing crack? That’s what it sounds like to me, and there is no way in the world I’d do something like that. How are you going to try and stop me from giving kids a place to go?

What I really want is to encourage young people to vote, and to eat organic food, and to take an interest in a hobby, but I know I can’t just start with that. I’ve tried. Kids don’t come to something they think is for their education or betterment for the most part. So I’m starting with parties, and between the parties and meetings I’m sure I’ll find people I can help.

It’s better they come to a Social Club party and someone sells them some drugs, and they get trashed and are taken care of then if they show up at some stranger’s house with friends, get fucked up, raped, and wake up in a ditch. Kids are going to party, and kids will get a hold of drugs, no matter what I do or don’t do, but at least this way they’ll be fed, and housed, and have opportunities to do more with their life.

I admit that Erin is only letting me use the space to start this thing because he wants to make money off of it, but the fact that he’s ‘dirty’ as you said he is, is irrelevant even if it’s true. Because he’ll never meet the members, or even the staff. That’s my job.

If you get in the way of this I’m going to have no choice but to fight back, and it seems to me like you’re a nice guy, and on top of that, you’re Jasmine’s friend, so I’d much prefer that you were my ally, not my enemy. As I said, what do you really think I’m trying to do? You make it sound like I’m evil or something.

I love this city too. I care about the health of my generation. My generation is disgusting, and I’m going to try and get on their level, by giving them parties, and from there, after gaining their respect as the coolest party hostess, I’ll be able to really speak to them. What’s wrong with that? As if a bunch of teenagers dancing all night is bad for the city or something! For goodness sakes they’ll get some much-needed exercise and self-expression.

So please, please, please, stop flaming this operation.

Phoenix

Rocsanne,

So here's the story, and the whole story.

My boyfriend didn't ask for your number because he thinks that Raph is going to be upset. He says you were talking about having a four-some with us and stuff, sounds like good stuff. Raph doesn't look like my type, but he can have a taste of me if I can have a taste of you. :)

My friend Tina and her friends invited My boyfriend and I out to Canada to go to a strip club tomorrow night. There should be room enough (3 cars, but who knows how many people are really going) for you to come, and maybe Raph too.

How serious are you and Raph? I won't tell, you can be honest with me about anything. I'm honest about everything cause I don't have shit to hide from anybody. You'll learn that about me fast when/if we meet.

Write back soon.

~Phoenix

PS: I don’t know if you know this about me, but I don’t drink, smoke, eat sugar, etc, anymore. I care about my health too much for that stuff. So don’t let it weird you out or anything. Some people think that makes me an alien or something.

Rocsanne writes me back:

Wow, you sound amazing. i dont think raph is really into doing the whole 5 sum thing or even do anything in like that matter he wants to be serious with me and we been dating for like 4 days now. and he is afraid that i will get feeling for cor and I wont because i’ve had plenty of 3 sums a wile back...he said he would not know really what to do to be honest. When corv told me that you wanted to have your first 3 sum i was like wow your chic is totally fuckable i love goth chicks i used to be goth myself and then now im just laying down to skateboard clothing corv told me to go back to goth cuz he said that would be so awsom.but on the subject yeah honestly i think your immaculate and beautiful and yes, fuckable.

I wrote her:

I can see in my head the smile My boyfriend had.... lol. So what's good with going to a strip club (in canada) tomorrow night? And what's good with you dressing goth? And what's good with your digits?
*smooch*

PS:

Even if you did have a “feeling” for My boyfriend, he’s taken anyway. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and every time we meet a chick we both like she’s either straight or prude. I’m not really a three-some virgin, but damn-near. All my three-some experiences were lame as can be. Anyway, you’re welcome to come over. 583 W. Utica St.... Yo, if you wanna come to the club tomorrow just bring your ID and your birth certificate to Hardcore and be there at 11:00pm when he get’s out of work and you can get picked up with him.

Sunday, February 10th 2008 at 3:34pm

I’m done screaming. It’s not worth it, is it? I don’t even know what’s worth it and what isn’t! I feel like... Like... I’m helpless. How many times have I written those words?
I’m tired of... I don’t even have the strength to argue my point anymore.

Thursday, February 14th 2008 at 2:07pm

Laura,

I was looking at your photos, and I was going to leave a comment, but then as I started to write it, it got very long, and then it got personal, so I thought perhaps I should just write you instead.

You know how real friends are supposed to be honest with you? Well, I'm going to try and be a real friend and be very honest with you. You're a very, very beautiful girl. But no matter what the populous thinks, you are overweight. You have such a pretty face, and obvious assets, that if you were to slim down, you'd look like a model. And I hate to sound shallow, but I'd probably be very apt to take you home with me now and then as well if that were the case.

And I don't mean by starving yourself. Unlike other teenagers your age, you don't have the metabolism to handle eating junk food and high fructose corn syrup. The rest of them will probably gain weight, and start to lose their health in their late twenties, but for you, it'll happen sooner.

I'm telling you this because you're my friend, and I care about you. I know I'm always ranting about this health stuff, and I know it drives everybody crazy, but I rant about it because it upsets me to see people hurting themselves, especially people I care about. Especially when I know how to help, but nobody wants to listen.

If you want to heed my words, don't try to starve yourself, and don't try to change your whole diet or lifestyle at once. Just start by not eating high fructose corn syrup. It's the first and biggest step, and also the hardest for most people. If you want to take the second step as well, that is to not eat within two hours of going to sleep.

I'll see you tomorrow. :)

~Phoenix

Thursday, February 14th 2008 at 4:19pm

I haven’t been writing. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I’m reading the best fantasy book I ever read. “Breath and Bone” which is the second book in a two-book series. The first one is “Flesh and Spirit.” Incredible plot, incredible characters, incredible mysteries. It’s just wonderful.

It also has to do with the Social Club. The websites always need updating and checking, and the phones always need answering. Paper always needs sorting. Forms and flyers always need printing. Always someone to talk to, always somewhere to go. At least I’m not bored. I’m just anxious for this to start paying off tomorrow at the first party.

It’s Valentine’s day. I ought to work on doing something for My boyfriend at this point. Since I’m without a printer there isn’t much more I can do today towards tomorrow. Man it’s not good that I can’t print. It’s not good at all.

Friday, February 15th 2008 at 1:11pm

Today is going to be a rough day. About twenty five different things can go wrong, from damages to under-staffing to nobody showing up. I’m worried, but somehow, I’m also confident at the moment. Let’s see how long that lasts.

Saturday, February 16th 2008 at 5:55pm

Confidence has long since drained out of me.

It sickens me how stupid everything and everyone can be. I’ve been so long without my hobbies and projects that I hardly know where to go with them and whence I am.

Thieves. I hate thieves. Even more than I hate liars, and I hate liars a lot. Though I probably don’t hate liars as much as I hate being called a liar.

I refuse to be stressed out. Stress accelerates aging. I will warm up, I will relax. I will eat. No matter that I have no time to write this entry. No matter that I should be making phone calls, reading messages, writing messages... The floor isn’t clean. The clothes aren’t clean. This house is still a bundle of clutter. I wish I could make cleaning it up my first priority. Cleaning should be my hobby until this house is in order.

Unfortunately, right now, socializing with teenagers in the hopes of gaining revenue seems to be my hobby right now. I’m getting so that I can hardly stand it. The only socializing I can do all day, all night and still not be tired of is with My boyfriend. I have a high tolerance for my mom despite the bundle of problems surrounding her and within her. But I’m sick of Tim, the owner of the house of the social club location to the point of insanity.

I’m sick of teens that are supposedly mature, and supposedly smart who just act like bumbling idiots when it comes down to it. Oh, have I forgotten my composure? Oops.

Okay. Let’s try this again. I’m optimistic about the second party tonight despite the thievery, damages, lies, arguments, mismanagement, minimal income, and general disappointments of last night. I still believe this can be profitable and worth while.

The real problem is drugs. Nobody in Buffalo wants to do anything without drugs. I gained my popularity just under a year ago because I threw these crazy parties in my poor excuse for an apartment with rampant alcohol, weed and sometimes (though not of my doing) ecstasy as well. No one really danced, but we played music.

Everyone seemed to love them, except me. I was sick of the cleaning, sick of minding what people were doing, sick of looking out for theft, sick of preparing for it, just to pick up after it. Sick of providing. Sick of being the go-to. It was too much, and so I quit.

This same group of people who attended those parties are (pretty much) the same people who’re playing at being my staff. I say playing at, because only three, maybe four of them are worth being called staff. Tina, while being mature, is limited in what she can do, being seven months pregnant and all. (The first being a product of the latter.)

Angel being moderately trustworthy is moderately useful, but the number of claims against him makes him questionable, not to mention his extremely loud manner. There is a handful of girls I learned last night that I can’t trust worth a hill of beans. Though Laura and Megan seem to be able to do a decent job, and are at least trustworthy if not perfect staff.

And what to do about the low turn out of people? And what to do about the theft? What to do...

Interesting Survey

Wednesday, February 6th 2008 at 6:00pm

Who were you with last night?

My boyfriend, My boyfriend.

What woke you up this morning?

My boyfriend being frustrated that he couldn’t remember his dreams.

Where are you?

My computer in my room.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

Probably... Not?

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

My boyfriend kissed me before he went to work, and gave me hugs. Actually we did a lot more than kiss this morning...

When's the last time you cried?

Probably a week ago or so.

The PAST

Ever thrown up in public?

Probably, but I can’t think when.

Passed out because of alcohol?

I never just simply fell on the floor if that’s what you mean.

What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?

This survey. What else could I be thinking about while trying to answer the questions?

The FUTURE

Would you take a bullet for anyone?

That’s a good question. I’d be willing to do it for my mom, but I know she wouldn’t want me to do it, so I wouldn’t. And I’d probably do it for My boyfriend on impulse if it was a spur of the moment decision – assuming I’m fast enough to do that.

Where would you like to live?

Probably Japan, but I can’t say for sure because I’ve never been there. It would be hard to leave Buffalo though.

What kind of house would you like?

If I could have any sort of house I wanted I’d like five floors, and about 100 by 100 feet of floor space on each floor, except the fifth floor would be half outside. And a pool indoors on the first floor. The second floor would include lavish apartments for all my favorite people including my parents. The third floor would belong to my kids, which I’d like to have eight of, which I could probably afford if I could afford such a house! And the fourth floor would be mine and My boyfriend’s place. What sort of house? Very modern, very unique, very artsy, very large...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well, I tend to consider myself pretty grown now that I’m nineteen, but in the future I’d like to be the most awesome wife and mom a woman can be.

Where do you see yourself in 4 years?

I see myself married to My boyfriend, one baby and another on the way, living here probably with the extension on the house finished, perhaps with Tina as well. I might be taking a class or two at college but not particularly likely. I’d still be running the Social Club, but more from a distance, with my staff taking care of the bulk of the task.

ON MYSPACE

Who is your number 1?

My boyfriend, of course.

Who have you kissed on your top friends?

Tina once a long time ago, because Josh made her basically. My boyfriend, of course. Probably no one else, though I may have kissed Laura before while intoxicated or just while simply at a party. Not sure. (I don’t get intoxicated anymore.)

Who was the last person that left you a comment?

Some dude calling himself ‘Fallen Angel’ who was wishing me a happy birthday.

Are you good friends with this person?

I’m not exactly sure whose account it is, though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Kasheef.

How often do you log in to myspace?

I used to do it once a month, but now because of the Social Club more like everyday.

IN GENERAL

Do you like candy necklaces?

Disgusting. I didn’t even like them back when I did eat sugar. Now I don’t eat High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sucralose, Maltital, Splenda, or any other sweetener including white sugar. I avoid brown sugar mostly, and only have raw honey in my tea. I couldn’t be paid to eat a candy-anything.

When's the last time you fell or ran into something?

I run into so many things all the time it’s hard to say. I slipped on the ice today though I didn’t fall. I bumbled into the mirror while entering the bathroom recently. I crash into my coffee table at least once a week.

What was the last thing you ate?

Sesame Rice Crisps. I’m saving the Natural Flavor Rice Crisps for later.

Are you a fast at typing?

More or less. Around 45 words a minute if that is considered fast.

About how many people have you driven with?

I can drive, but I hate it. I’ve driven mostly with my Mom. A few times with my Dad. Once with My boyfriend and El, and that was very nerve-wracking and uncomfortable.

What are you doing this weekend?

Having a Social Club meeting on Saturday and hanging out with My boyfriend on Sunday, probably going to the mall to get him new sneakers and me new socks.

Whats your favorite type of soda?

None. The kind that doesn’t exist. The only good soda is the soda that is used to clean floors and not ever drank! Soda = evil, slow, painful death.

Have you ever moved?

Not really. We had a house fire and had to stay in a temporary apartment for nine months while making repairs, but other than that, I’ve lived in the same house my entire life.

Have you ever won an award?

What sort of an award? Does a Reiki Certificate count? I suppose not... In eighth grade I got ‘most improved’ in History class for making an 11 point improvement.

How many times have you eaten sushi?

Never.

What do you want to do right now?

Be with My boyfriend would be nice, but he’s at work. After I’m done with this I’m taking the rest of the day off if I can, and I’ll be reading and working on my game design. Perhaps if I’m ambitious I’ll work on the mid-section of the attic somewhat, but that’s unlikely for today.

Are you listening to music right now?

No, the sound driver on my computer hasn’t been reinstalled yet since I rebooted.

Are you with someone right now?

Nope. My Mom is out picking up my Dad right now, and Mary I think is in her apartment, likely sleeping. My room is empty nevertheless.

How long until your birthday?

An entire year. My birthday was a week ago. So that would mean 55 weeks until my next one.

When were you the saddest in your whole life?

Most certainly after Jeremy broke up with me. I wanted to die. I didn’t even have the energy to be angry at myself, or other people, or him. I just wanted to disappear. I was sixteen when he left me.

What time is it now?

6:22pm

Do you think anyone will re-post to this?

Probably at least one of my online friends will.

What makes you pissed off?

Being called a liar.

Have you ever had a song written about you?

I had a poem written to me before, from Jeremy. Tre might have written me one, but if so it wasn’t remarkable and I didn’t keep it because I don’t remember him writing me one... We were always so stoned, so who knows. I know My boyfriend hasn’t, unless you count the cute set of statements he wrote me recently.

What song makes you cry?

A lot of them. Too many to name. “Family Portrait,” by Pink, and “Runaway Love,” by Mary J. Blige and Ludrachris. Those are the first two that come to mind.

What songs makes you happy?

The most recent one has Fergie in it... It’s called “Wind it Up” I think.

What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?

My boyfriend talking, that makes me the most relaxed and content.

Do you have a job?

Do you count starting a Social Club?

What does Your CD player have in it right now?

I don’t have a CD player anymore. Any one that I ever had was broken by somebody, or stolen.

If you were a crayon what color would you be?

Why do I have to be a crayon? Can’t I be a Prismatic Marker? If I could be a color I’d be pink. What a silly question! You know I’d be pink. Some cross between hot pink and baby pink.

What makes you happy?

My boyfriend. Writing. Reading a good book. Creating something new. Feeling accomplished. Watching a new anime series that is really deep. Having several orgasms in a row... Though one is good too.

Height?

5'6''

Hair?

Blackish, but it’s brown under the dye.

Piercings?

Never.

Tattoos?

Never.

What are you wearing?

My favorite Jeans... The only ones that are still tight after I lost weight.
A long sleeved black shirt with a high neck, but it unzips diagonally from the neck to my armpit. Two pairs of pink socks, the tall ones My boyfriend was wearing last night and fluffy pink ankle socks over them. A lime-green sports bra about two years old and a pair of brand-new panties that I put on for the first time last night. They’re pink.

What taste is in your mouth?

Not much of anything.

Do you have a bad habit?

Sometimes I talk too much. I can’t help but rant about government, High Fructose Corn Syrup, idiotic human ways, Artificial Sugars, politics, Bad Eating Habits, Health... You get the idea. People destroying their bodies with their diet, cutting years off their life, ruining the quality of their life along the way and such just disgusts me, especially when I can fix it.