Too good to be true?

Friday, September, 5th 2008 at 5:55pm

My morning wasn’t that pleasant, but I’ve been having a good day despite it. Crusipher called me at three o’clock to apologize. He blames his outburst on his bad day at work yesterday, which I sympathize with. He proclaims that he will not stay at work to listen to their drama anymore because it clearly doesn’t involve him. (Like I’ve been saying all along.) He’s having a better day today. I guess the counter woman got fired and Frank says another person will be fired, but he’s not saying who yet.
This is the first Friday in two months (aside from the Friday in Toronto while I was at FanExpo) that I’m not at the card shop, and that’s fine with me. If Crusipher thinks I’d be better off staying here and working my ass off cleaning, scanning, editing, and creating, then that’s just as well with me. I thought he wanted me to hang out at the card shop so I could visit him periodically all day long and bike home with him at night, but I guess that’s not something he feels Motters anymore.
Now I have no excuse to bike anywhere again, which means I’m exercising again my usual way which consists of five to fifteen minutes of vigorous dancing and martial arts moves and five to ten minutes of stretching prior to that. That’s also just as well with me.
So today I set up my laptop where my desktop is, and just sort of pushed the monitor back and put away the keyboard to make room for it on the desk. I installed my printer on my laptop and began scanning away. I’m sure most of them I scanned before and are sitting as files on my PC’s hard drive, but nothing to be done about that now.
I probably spent two hours on that process, from 12:30pm (just after writing the entry this morning) to 2:30pm, and then I went downstairs at my mom’s summon for lunch. I came back upstairs at 3:00pm and did a little more scanning, as well as a bit of cleaning around the desk area. I threw out a whole slew of stuff related to the “Social Club” I tried to create way back in March. And then I watched half an episode of the Tyra Show (and deleted the rest of it because it was just about make overs and stuff that isn’t that interesting). I read of chapter of my book, and by then it was 4:00pm. I sat back down here to work on refining the web of sites that need to be created for our business, but the internet was down.
In search of my mom I went downstairs to ask her about the internet, but she wasn’t home, so I decided to clean until she got back. I sorted through three boxes of stuff, two were mostly cloth along with a bunch of old junk mail (don’t ask, I don’t get it either) and another was full of all sorts of random things. I ended up with two trash bags and neat bin of cloth when I was finished, and indeed my mom returned and has reset the internet, so now I will continue the web editing task.
I just thought I’d document how the day has gone so far. I’m sick of being told that I don’t do anything. It’s not as though I sit in front of a TV all day, I hardly play any games at all (video games or board games), and I read for perhaps and hour a day. And the moment anyone tells me I shouldn’t be reading and writing so much, I’ll about explode with frustration. It’s my life, and I’m going to live it the best way I know how. It’s not as though anyone is actually handing me something different to do with my life anyway.
I almost got lectured by my brother today. Or at least it felt like I narrowly escaped a lecture. (Robert arrived just before my mom did while I was cleaning. His cable is out or something like that, so he comes by to watch his shows.) He opened conversation by saying that heard I want to be a housewife. Yep, that’s the plan. He said, “you know that requires having children, right?”
I said, “that’s the whole point. I’ve been looking for a suitable father since I was 14.”
“What the hell were you doing thinking about that at fourteen?”
“I was preparing and planning, not actually considering having a baby then.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway,” I continued, “I think it’s better for a family to work as a unit. Too many families have a mom working one job, a father working a different job and the kids off at school all day long with no family time at all and no common goals as a family. If that’s how my family is going to be then I might as well not bother having one.”
He apparently didn’t have an argument for that one, so before he could come up with one I changed the topic somehow to wolves being shot in Alaska and the increased oil drilling in Texas while continuing to dart about the living room and dining room moving things, sorting and disposing of the undesirables.
I suppose there isn’t much left to say about my day.

I just added this on my deviant art page by way of being more professional as Crusipher suggested;

Make sure you check the captions for art by Phoenix or art by Muse or art by both of us together. I've added a bunch of new artwork by Phoenix and soon I intend to add Muse's tattoo work as well.
Muse (Crusipher Perry) is a tattoo artist, aspiring concept artist and works mainly in black and white pencil though he has experience using Maya and Z-brush as well as Photoshop.
Phoenix works with pencils, markers, and digital painting with Corel Photo Paint. She dabbles in photography, web-design, poetry and novel writing as well.

























Monday, September, 8th 2008 at 3:08pm

It feels good to be working on cleaning the first floor every day. Another box of cloth sorted, two more boxes of books unloaded, more x-mas stuff put together in one central location, an old stone collection found and washed, and a large bag of trash taken out to the porch. As I said at the beginning, at this rate, it’ll be done by x-mas this year. I never knew it would feel so good, move so quickly or be quite so easy.
I feel like this is a large step towards taking control of my life and gaining respect. Not respect from other people so much as myself. So long I’ve chided myself in my head for lack of discipline, lack of motivation, lack of worth... This project is so giving in it’s immediate rewards of clear surfaces; table tops, shelves, the wooden floor in the dining room, the carpeted floor in the living room... I’ve uncovered many, many feet of surface... I’ve cleared an area of perhaps 4ft by 5ft on the living room floor last Saturday (not two days ago, but nine days ago) of boxes. About two boxes worth were thrown away, the rest packed more carefully onto a board across a wooden sitting chair that I cleared that same day of pillows, papers, and other assorted items. Before that I cleared a foot of space behind the other sitting chair on another part of the living room, allowing that chair to move a foot backward, and also allowing my bike to move farther back allowing more walking space. I also cleared off that chair.
I cleared out a large section of a TV stand that is used as a large mess of storage... Or at least it was a large mess of storage. Now it’s divided into Lord of the Rings items (behind glass doors), electronic items (inside the two large drawers), and Christmas stuff in the large hole where a TV would go. I’ve reorganized the games stand as well (also located in the living room) to accommodate more of the games which pile precariously on top of the stand.
I’ve added new folders to my mother’s filing cabinet and added a large stack of papers to her filing, all sorted into the appropriate folders. Of course there was the first adventure, the one that happened at four o’clock in the morning in the kitchen, which removed three bags of trash and created a vast amount of space in cubby hole beside the oven.
And then there is this last week’s work which has been in the dining room. I’ve found countless old things that were mine as a child. Some of which I threw away, some of which I organized downstairs to leave in my mother’s care, and some of which I took upstairs to my room. I’ve found all sorts of stained, gross, nasty things and old bits of paper, ads, magazines and other sorts of things that have happily been sent on their way. I’ve found countless things my mom is undoubtedly missing that sooner or later she’ll happen upon now that they are in accessible, logical locations.
Besides this new development in my life, I’m drawing more again. My creativity rises and falls like the tide, sometimes up for only a day at a time, sometimes up for months. Each time I bloom again with ideas I find them more interesting, more brilliant, more satisfying to fulfill and yet more difficult and often more disappointing because of my inability to bring forth my ideas into reality. Fortunately my imagination becomes more and more practical, which does mean it’s a struggle to keep it fresh and alive, but also easier to fulfill and work with and enjoy.
My imagination sees my family gathered in a clean and beautiful living room. Asa and Robert are with us, both my parents are there and Crusipher as well. Mott might be there too. It’s around New Years, perhaps into January, perhaps between Christmas and New Years, and the Christmas tree is still up, but all the wrappings have been put away. We’re sitting at a large table and the first copy of my board game is complete and we’re playing against each other, enjoying each other’s company and planning our strategies.

2008-09-06 21:11:12 tater - Somewhere
Wait a minute? Did you know that having a tilted uterus is very common (I have one and I got pregnant at 38 years old!) and it rights itself before you give birth, so it doesn't Motter at all that you have a tilted uterus. What are your "health problems" that make it so necessary for you to have to have a child before age 25? That seems really extreme!


2008-09-07 21:04:26 Clemintine - Somewhere
I come from a very similar situation, so I really feel where you're coming from as far as wanting to be a mother, a care-giver, a provider and a nurturer. I have a bit of "baby fever", but just make sure you're ready! Enjoy being young and a little selfish while you can.
http://oh-my-darlin.diaryland.com

Tater,
I know it's pretty common, but it's still not a happy thing. The doctor told me that, but he also said that it would be very painful as it straightened out. My health problems? As a toddler I was always tired and constantly getting sick and this didn't stop until I was fifteen. I have no confidence that I'll stay as healthy as I am now even if I do work very hard on my health because of my childhood. I spent almost my entire childhood in bed, and I'm dreading spending my entire pregnancy that way, or over the toilet, vomiting. My mother had her own share of problems giving birth, so that doesn't ease my worry any.

Clemintine,
I’ve been told I should enjoy being young so repeatedly it could be the mantra of my life. I’ve never enjoyed being young. Being young means that nobody respects your ideas. Being young means learning tough lessons the hard way. Being young means that you are forever guilty of making naive decisions to be regretted only a month later. For me, being young has always meant being miserable, sick, stupid, and unwanted. The more mature I become the more I enjoy my life. Partying made things worse. Childhood “friends” made things worse. My adventurous ideas made things worse. My blooming body and hormones ruined my life from age nine to age sixteen. I didn’t even have youth’s vitality, so I can’t say anything good about myself as a kid unless you count good skin, no body odor and unrestrained creativity.
In terms of being selfish... That will only get me in trouble and make me feel bad. I want children almost for the very reason of banishing what’s left of my selfishness. With kids there is no room for lack of discipline, no room for being selfish, no room for being immoral or irresponsible, and I don’t want room in my life for any of those things. I look forward to being the teacher, and to giving my kids a healthy childhood filled with activity and learning as many hard lessons as possible without destroying their confidence the way mine was.
Does that make sense? I appreciate all input, so don’t take this as a backlash. I just want to make myself as clear as possible. (Because if you’re not clear about who you are and what you want and why you want it, why bother with a blog anyway, right?)