It's just already over.

7/24/08
Thursday, July, 24th, 2008 at 2:02am

He didn't return until 1:00am. I came home shortly after. He doesn't seem to even care.

7/25/08
Friday, July, 25th, 2008

Today was a much better day.
7/26/08
Saturday, July, 26th, 2008
Yesterday I had a nice morning with Crusipher. I pointedly didn't think about all the things that are upsetting me. We ended up watching each other masturbating. (Something I enjoy a lot. Crusipher has never believed it even though I've been telling him our entire relationship. I think he might be half-way convinced now.) After he went to work I felt the press of being alone and decided to get dressed up and "follow" him by way of looking to see if I could run into Jeremy.
Oddly, minutes before I was about to leave, Jeremy showed up. We talked for about an hour and then he left. He had plans with Janet of course. He told me about those plans mildly, something about some sort of party Janet was having. Jeremy said he didn't know the details, like where it was at, who was going, and so forth and expressed his exasperation at not being told. I sympathize, and I told him so. Crusipher and his issues with calling and with letting me know anything that is going on.
I broke down and told him everything that has been on my mind. He understood. Our dissatisfaction is mutual, our reluctance to just give up on our relationships is mutual, etc.
After he left I set out to visit Crusipher at work. I practically forced him to walk two blocks down to Wilson Farms with me. He said it wasn't a good idea and that the guys at the shop might give him a hard time. I directly asked the manager if I could drag Crusipher to the store with me, and he said okay. Then Crusipher had no excuse anymore. I think the day had a lasting impression on him because guys were looking at me from every direction. I was all dressed up (short skirt, button-up dress shirt, stockings, healed-sandals, everything black except the skirt which was black and white.) I remarked that some of the guys looking might be willing to stay sober and come home to me every night. Crusipher seemed to swallow this remark as if it were a rock.

7/27/08
Sunday, July, 27th, 2008 at 11:53pm

I fucking hate my life. I'm telling him to shut up. I've never done that before. I feel like an ass-hole. I didn't call him to let him know I was leaving the house or anything... And that's not even what he cares about. I want to disappear. I miss my desktop computer... I miss it badly. I miss my relationship. When did it end? It feels like it's been over for a long time now... The way he treats me. I feel so invisible. I feel so unimportant. My stomach hurts... It's squeezing and pulsing with my thoughts...
There isn't anything to do. There is nothing... Nothing I can do... I want to fucking die. I can't even formulate a full thought. I can't... I hate...
I'm too angry to cry. He was gone all day, just like I predicted. So I left too. It's only fair. Now he's pissed because I had a guy here when he got here and because I'm wearing "lingere" which is totally unfair. I couldn't find the dress I was looking for, and of the lacy-dresses I had left, this was the most-covering one. I was dripping sweat and didn't want to put another pair of pants on. Now he thinks I fucked the guy. I wish I could just die.
I have no purpose. I have failed.
7/30/08
tater's comment;

You haven't failed. Your relationship just isn't working, and you have put so much effort into it and he really hasn't at this point. You will be miserable for awhile but I really think it is time for you to end it. I'm sorry you are going through this. Ps..He will never quit drinking until he wants to, and even then he may not be able to.

7/31/08

2008-07-31 06:34:41
Hallie’s comment;

Tater is right.
Sometimes it seems like you've lost sight of what's normal in relationships. Maybe because this relationship has actually been failing for a long time, maybe because the one you had before it wasn't so hot either. Maybe both. But, really, my husband would never be pissed at me for having a male friend over. It would never occur to him that I had done anything untoward, let alone slept with anyone else! I would never do anything secretive or passive aggressive like being gone when he got home to "make a point" and I would never have to. Those things just don't happen in good relationships. When you feel that way, when it occurs to you that you need to come up with some secret plan to demonstrate something, when you feel yourself accusing your partner of cheating, when you're actually having a conversation about whether you were or were not wearing lingerie with another person... it's over. It's just already over.