"have a nice life" She Said

Wednesday, August, 27th 2008 at 12:41am

I’m sitting here uselessly watching music videos to pass the time. Crusipher is still at work doing a tattoo and I’m sitting here in pantyhose and lingerie with candles burning down to the end. I could just blow them out and undress and go to sleep... It’s almost one in the morning, so who knows when he’ll get here. I’m long since out of the mood I was trying to set, so there is little point in even bothering.
I got a small amount of things accomplished today. One more bag of trash removed from the house, and another surface reorganized and I also finished getting the new source images for my board game. Forty-four images is nothing to scoff at either...
Well, it’s one in the morning now. I’m going to blow out the candles and get undressed...
It’s 1:03am and I’m naked now, with one light on and a bunch of smoke in the air from over ten candles that I’ve just blown out. They’ve been lit since 10:45pm now, so it’s kinda a waste. I tried to enjoy the effect and meditate but it didn’t really work very well.
I hate being alone at this time in the morning. I absolutely hate it. Without fail, every single time I always feel like a lost blundering fool. And there’s little point in writing about it so I’m going to read instead.































Thursday, August, 28th 2008 at 9:28pm
So this girl I used to know, Dionn, sent me the following e-mail today:
“You do not EVER have to worry about me sending you anything anymore it was nice knowing you. I get it you don't want to talk to me I hope you get over whatever's bothering you have a nice life.”
There isn’t much else to say about it other than what I wrote in my reply:
“Wow, that was really unexpected and uncalled for. I have several reasons for not talking to you very often, some reasons obvious, and others you have no way of knowing.
At the time you sent me an IM today I was listening to music very loudly and cleaning and didn't know I had aol up and the sound of "shake that thing" almost made me jump out of my skin. I wanted to continue to cleaning, so I said something like "sorry not now" if I remember correctly.
Generally I don't talk on IM at all. I find it bothersome to type out a whole conversation when I have an online blog where I already write about everything I feel like writing about and I have a few dedicated e-mail buddies who I write in detail once a week or so. Spending an hour or two on IM to have a conversation that would take ten minutes in person is just silly to me. I have about 12 "friends" online at any given time, and I hardly ever IM a single one. I use IM for short messages generally such as "I'll see you Saturday" and if I do have an IM conversation with someone it's because I'm to depressed to do anything else with myself.
A more obvious reason we don't talk on IM is because we have not seen each other since freshmen year of high school when I was 13. I haven't seen you once since, so what can I say to you? I don't even know if we have anything in common. All I remember is that you were one of the few people who didn't treat me like shit when I was 13, and believe me, there were plenty of people who did treat me like shit, so I appreciated it.
My life these days consists of taking care of my boyfriend, who is a tattoo artist. That comes before everything else in my life and if things are not right between him and I, then I don't talk to anybody at all. The second thing in my life would be my mom and this house. It's been in total chaos since the house fire when I was 14 and I'm finally mature enough to take responsibility and help my 60+ year old mom out of this mess. Next comes my creative life, which includes drawing, sewing, interior designing (on the scale on my room), game creating, and digital/web creations. My creative life meets my love life in terms of us both being artists, so anything art related that I have to do or want to do for my man pretty much trumps everything.
Next and last would be my social life, and currently, for the very first time, I have a real friend. Not a "hey what's up?" friend who never talks to me about anything of value. Not a friend I see once a year. Not a friend who is embarrassed to talk about their sex life or anything personal with me. Not a friend who I see more online than anywhere. Not a friend who I have nothing in common with. Not a friend who talks shit behind my back. Not a friend that will be gone tomorrow without a word. A real friend, who talks to me, calls me, hangs out with me, has things in common with me, listens to me, talks to me, isn't afraid of any topic and loves to do things I love to do. And he pretty much is 70% of my social life outside of Crusipher and my mom who are 90% of my life in the first place. If you do the math, that leaves 10% for everything after my mom and my boyfriend, and if my new friend is 70% of what's left, that leaves less than 3% for the rest of the world, and personally I think that's normal.
I've never avoided you. If you ever brought up a topic with me that held weight I'd discuss it with you. If you ever invited me to something I'd like to go to, I'd go. If you ever accepted an invitation I had given you way back when, I would have been happy to have you. If you ever wrote me an e-mail in the middle of the night when you were depressed I would read it and be as understanding as I could be.
I'm sorry if any of this seemed rude, but after what you just e-mailed me... Well, I'll leave it at that. I am an open book to the world if it's interested, and I never thought you were interested, so I apologize if I've taken a smaller role in your life than you would have liked or intended.