FYI: You're a Dickhead

7/24/08
Thursday, July, 24th, 2008 at 4:55pm

What an awful wake-up. My body is sore from head to toe, literally. My head feels stiff and sleepy, my neck feels sore, my shoulders are very sore, my arms feel cold and even more sore, my stomach hurts in a way that is like a cross between extreme hunger and cramps (neither of which seems a logical sensation for right now), my ass is probably the most sore part of my body, my legs are (thankfully) not cramping too bad, but they feel very tender and sensitive everywhere... This is what I get for biking around all day yesterday, staying on my feet even when I wasn't on the bike, standing still way too long, being in the park until past dark, and biking home alone (because Crusipher wouldn't leave with me even though I said I was freezing and needed to get home before it got any colder) feeling like crap the entire bike ride, my legs pumping, pumping, pumping, all the while I'm still getting colder from the wind beating against me.
I'd say that from my house to the park is between two and three miles. Hard to say for sure... It's about twice as far as Crusipher's work, and his work is a twenty-minute bike ride for me and generally is enough exercise to make me sweat. And it's not as though we just entered the park and sat down right there, no we had to walk past the swing sets, past Shakespear in the park (which I would have much rather watched) down the path, through the trees, and finally sat on the cold dirty stones of a small bridge in the park. It was very pretty, but way too much for me all at once. I need to have been going biking every day all summer to not have been phased by the adventure.
At seven o'clock I was restless and depressed, but eight o'clock I was cold and miserable, and around eight-thirty I started asking when we we're leaving. Crusipher said he wanted to see Connie (El's girl friend) and I got angry because he wanted to see her more than he wanted to see my safe and healthy back home. I barely hear him when he says he loves me anymore. How could I believe he loves me after a show like yesterday?
I was restless and I started tap-dancing to keep warm and to do something attention-getting enough to make them both notice me. El thought it was amusing and asked Crusipher if he thought I could play drums. Crusipher shook his head and said, "nah, no way," and I agreed too. My musical skills are terrible. El said I couldn't be worse than Desmond and started to show me a basic beat. It took me about five minutes to get it. Then he went on to a slightly harder one, and it got me about fifteen minutes to get that one. The first one was to slap my hand on my thigh, then stamp, then for the third count do nothing, and on the fourth count stamp with my other foot. Since I couldn't seem to skip the third count, he had me slap with my other hand to take it's place until I was able to do that.
That was actually the most fun part of the day. I love learning stuff, and if there is nothing to learn by doing something, nothing to challenge me, then I'm just not interested. In fact, I'm embarrassed to say it, but yesterday, I would have rather had El for a man than Crusipher. I don't like El that way, of course, and I don't find him attractive, but he was trying to include me and have fun with me, whereas Crusipher was just being a dick-head at every turn. I don't know what's gotten into Crusipher, but I suppose I should expect nothing less when he's being with his buddy and drinking his ass off. Anyway, the second beat was much more fun. It went slap, stamp, slap, stamp-stamp-stamp/slap and then repeat. It was very hard for me to get the three beats at the end as fast as he got them, especially that third one with my slapping my thighs and stamping my feet at the same time.
I kept at it for a long time because it was keeping me warm. My hands tingled with the return of blood and so did my thighs. When I got home (I left at nine-thirty and got home at almost ten-thirty) and undressed I found these nasty marks on my thighs where I had been slapping them. Without any explanation from anyone I used what I know about circulation to gather that the blood must have risen to the skin and then, because I was cold, stayed in my skin. I have nasty purple dots all over the area slightly bigger than my hand, and little red freckle-sized marks around the larger purple dots. It's not a pretty sight and I'm guessing it will take a long time to go away since it looks just as it did last night.
I just had an unsettling thought... They will disappear, won't they? I mean, the blood won't just stick there forever will it? I mean, I guess it won't be forever, because the scars I had when I was fourteen up and down my arms are gone, but that was five years ago. Those would be nasty marks to have for years... Really nasty. On the bright side, if they last a long time it will serve as a reminder for Crusipher and I both. It can remind him what going out and drinking and being irresponsible can do, and it will remind me what trying to prove a point can do.
After I wrote that entry last night, I tried to sleep. It was no use. I'm just so upset with everything that I can't think straight at all. I pulled him close, trying to feel connected to him again, trying to feel love and hope and happiness. None of it would come to me. I only felt empty, sad and regretful all over. My body continued to be cold and restless despite the blankets. I spoke to him in his sleep, and generally after he's been drinking, speaking has no affect. To my surprise, he woke up. I pleaded with him to cold me and give me love. To my digust he cupped his hand around my pussy.
I protested, "That is love to you? Is that all love is to you?" He sleepily moved his hand up. The simple touch however gave me a stir and I decided I wanted more. We fucked wildly and passionately, as people do when they feel desperate and depressed. It was wonderful, until afterwards. There was no warm glow and happiness afterwards. I just sank lower and lower like coming off a high, until I was crying again, unable to wait until Crusipher fell asleep again. He doesn't understand it, and he remarked, "I didn't like today. You cried too much. In fact, you pretty much cried all day."
I sniffed and replied, "I was crying even when I wasn't crying. Still am."
I don't think he had much of a reply to that. He was asleep shortly thereafter. I watched more TV and ate more chips. I'm so desperate for distractions that I've begun recording this show called WITCH. It's a show for girls between the ages of seven and twelve, I'd say. It's kinda like the new Sailor Moon. It's about these girls with magical powers, except that they're powers don't seem very limited. It's much more fantastical than most of these series are. I watched two episodes of that and an episode of the Tyra show. I went to sleep around six-thirty in the morning, even though I was dead-tired by ten o'clock at night. I did nap between the time I got home and when Crusipher got home around midnight.
I feel like going back to sleep. It's 5:25pm, and I've been awake since 4:30pm... I slept for... nine hours. I slept for nine hours except for the half hour before Crusipher went to work where he gave me tea, spoke to me, touched me, kissed me... In those moments I felt love. I feel nothing now. Nothing but tears. I feel like I embody tears to the point where... I really am crying when I'm not.
I'm having trouble talking to my mom lately. I try to keep our conversations to the point because I can't bare to talk about Crusipher... I can't write anymore. I must distract myself and waste away my day and think about this all over again another time when I don't hurt so much.


7/24/08
Thursday, July, 24th, 2008 at 9:55pm

Well, we'll see how he likes it. I'm not going to be here when he gets home.

7/24/08
Thursday, July, 24th, 2008 at 10:41pm

I hate not being in my room waiting for him to get home. I want to kiss him. I want to make love to him. I want to know that we're going to work everything out. I feel so mean and terrible not being there. I hate proving a point this way. I feel like this has got to be a mistake... This is against my principles to not be there when he gets home. To not call him... I feel like an ugly monster. I'm the one ruining the night. I'm the one who is sparking an argument today. How wrong is that for me to do? I think I'm going to only wait about a half hour after he gets home to return...
I feel terrible. My heart is like a big hole in my chest. I feel so helpless and desperate.
11:00pm it is. My heart is pounding. He might be on his bike right now, riding home. He might be cleaning up his station and packing up his things. He may still be doing a tattoo... I'm betting he will call me the moment he discovers I'm not there. I'm debating if I should answer or not... I should probably not answer, and then call back ten minutes later or something. I hate to do it.
11:26pm now. It seems that he hasn't gotten home yet since I have not gotten a call. I feel downright sick.
11:40pm. He hasn't called. I'm a bit worried. Did he get home and decide "whatever" and not call me? Or am I even more justified by him not coming home? I hate this.
11:57pm. I'm not feeling so bad anymore. The ass-hole must not even be home yet.