Prayer to the Moon

Friday, August, 15th 2008 at 12:18am

Rambling... I have not been able to write as I normally do... Not sure why exactly. All this going out and being about changes the way my mind works so much...
My gut is telling me that the longer I try to work things out with Crusipher that the better off I'll end up being...
My mom called me. I just got off the phone with her. Turns out we had about 20 misunderstandings about what the story is about FanExpo. I thought we were staying in a hotel instead of in a hostel this year, turns out things changed and we are going back to the hostel. I thought I paid her $200 for our rooms already, she says I only gave her $100. And she says we determined we were leaving Thursday, when I know we determined we were leaving Wednesday so we could spent Thursday being tourists. So we just now straightened all that out.
Crusipher is late again with no call and it's making me angry. He tells me constantly how he's going to marry me, how there is no other woman for him, how I'm perfect for him, how he's crazy about me, how he loves taking care of me and how he's going to prove himself to me, and then he's late three times a week, and drinking at least once a week, etc.
Yet as I said... I feel like in my gut the more I work on my relationship with him the better off things are going to be. Like, as if I ended it here I would be leaving something unfinished. Even if we're not meant to be together, right now, I'm giving him the chance to turn his life around and make something truly great of himself. He's stumbling along that path right now, but if I left him, his entire way would be lost, and I know that. He hasn't done anything to deserve being left. He is trying, and that’s very important to me.
And while he's still struggling with the drinking, I do think he's getting better. More and more he actually rags on himself about drinking. And he says he is in the process of quiting and says things "when I quit" a lot. And he is drinking less for the most part. And he's stopped answering his friend's phone calls when we're alone together. So there are improvements.
But this is the sort of thing that does make me angry. It's 12:10am and I have no call explaining why he's not here.
Anyway, this is off topic, but Mott said to me in an e-mail; "If you have pride in yourself and your community, and I mean the good type of pride not the egotistical competitive kind, then you should act accordingly and if the human race has any humanity left in it, others will follow and the paradise you want will start to rear its head. "
I agree... But I find it impossible to feel pride in my community. I want to love my neighbors, but I find no level in which to connect to them, and no reason to try to. I dislike my neighborhood to say the least. And even if you take neighbor to mean any people you meet in general, still, it’s not enough. I think part of the main issue with keeping this city clean and pretty is the lack of a prideful community, and I think that a large part of that is from a lack of knowing our neighbors.
...And now it’s going on twelve-thirty in the morning and no call. It’s getting to that time when I just feel worthless. It happens at 1:00am every time. At 11:30pm, I get anxious and worried. At midnight I feel indignant, upset and angry. At 12:30am I feel unimportant, stupid and lonely. And by 1:00am, if he’s not here, I feel abandoned, ugly, and worthless. Two hours is too much time to pass without a stupid phone call. When he says that I don’t understand, and such, it’s just not relevant. In two fucking hours, you can find thirty seconds to make a call. You can find five minutes if you try hard enough. And if I’m not worth five minutes, ten minutes, in fact, if I’m not worth those entire two hours in the first place, then I’m not worth enough to count.
I shouldn’t have to go past 11:30pm without hearing from him. Doesn’t he see that he could marry me? Doesn’t he see that we could be life partners? Why isn’t he honoring that? Why is he still doing this!?

Sunday, August, 17th 2008 at 9:43pm

I just hate myself right now. Either I hate me or Crusipher, or both. I'm a fucking amazing person. At the Eerie County Fair I volunteered twice. I won a prize for doing a Native American dance and picked up a feather with my mouth off the ground without kneeling or touching the ground. I also was hypnotized with a bunch of people into doing some crazy shit I only half remember.
Then I tried to talk Crusipher out of eating bad food and he got mad. (After telling me a few nights ago that I need to make him eat better.) And then he makes plans with El and Connie to hang out without telling me or asking me if I mind. And worse yet, he walked away as far as he could to make these plans after he promised to spend the entire day close to me, and when I finally talked to him he informed me that I was coming too. No thank you, I remember last time and I’m exhausted. After last time when I said I was never going out with them again? After saying he didn't want to go anywhere with them all like that anyway? That the sort of thing that they do isn’t what he’s trying to do with his life?
And then, in order to not argue, we ignored each other ever since, and he left without even saying goodbye the moment we got home. I'm just fucking amazing.

Prayer to the Moon

The moon is almost full tonight,
and the sliver missing does not
in the least alter my delight
as I hear your footsteps on the
stairs.

It’s late and you didn’t call,
but that dishonor does not
stop me from my crawl
into your arms as you sit on the
bed.

It’s early morning and I can’t sleep,
but the beauty of birds does not
prevent me from my weep
beside you as you snore beside
me.

It’s late morning and you’re off to work,
and the sadness in my face does not
change your pace to hurry off in the murk
to your future away from me under the
moon.

To a random old internet friend of mine I say, “I just want my relationship to work, and I can't see anyway to make it work.”
He replies, “Its nice to be single sometimes”
I answer, “I've never enjoyed being single for more than a day out of my life.”
He says, “Its freedom.”
I answer, “I hate freedom. I like a man to tell me what to do. It just ought to be reasonable and loving demands. And if they are as such, then I'll be much happier than making hard decisions all alone.”
He laughs and says, “We're just a little different.”
I snort and answer, “Yep. There are not many men out there who can handle or understand a girl like me... Which makes it all the harder to leave the one I have who is crazy about me... but inconsiderate at the worst times.”

Angel asked me how my relationship is going, and I answered, “My relationship? Oh man, it's... so hard to describe right now. That's one of the reasons the entry is taking so long. I keep writing short entries and just adding them to my "to be posted" file without posting. I'm having trouble writing like usual as I've said... I think it's because of all this poison from my relationship... This emotional weight is so heavy... I'm so desperate, so apathetic at times, and so lost at the moment and always, and without direction... I'm sick of trying so hard... I can't even talk about it like I used to.”

All those past arguments float around like mold in an old rotting soup. It’s so hard not to crack when so many hopes are piled on so many disappointments. So many wishes piled on so many broken promises. So many terrible events piled on so many grand apologies. So many happy memories trying to cover the growing mass of miserable ones. I want to just let it all out and be done with the feelings that all of this dredges up.