Trying To Not Touch While Trying To Not Try Too Hard

8/2/08
Saturday, August, 2nd, 2008 at 10:54pm

Almost eleven o'clock, and then Crusipher will be off work, and will be coming home. For now, at least, I can be sure of him coming home. He has (of course) promised (again) to quit drinking, to stop hanging out with his "friends" and to be loving towards me... I really think that quiting drinking alone would change so much if he could just do it permanantly... Can he? I've heard that a relapse is still part of the journey towards quiting for most people, but... Should it take over a year? And he hasn't even been sure he wanted to quit for a good part of the time.
In other news, today went well. Here's a clip from an IM with Mott right now:

Him: "well that wasnt' long.. u just saw you less than 30 minute ago"
Me: "I just saw me. LOL"
Him: "meh, i knew what i meant"
Me: "I know, I kinda of suspected you'd sign on. I'm writing an entry for my blog. XD"
Him: "i will always sign on"
Me: "I guessed."
Him: "we just spent over 8 hours together... dayum"
Me: "I liked it."
Him: "and we didn't talk very philosophical at all. we just hung out"
Me: "Indeed. We behaved like normal teenagers."
Him: "yea it was fun, I had wondered what it would be like after the whole "deep" freind thing had been acheived and here it is. you know, i think im just paranoid sometimes tho."
Me: "lol. Yeah. It all happened like in a blink, and now the wave is already passing into calmer waters"

So yeah, Mott and I played Tekken 5 for about forty-five minutes, and then Mancala for about another forty-five minutes and then played Civlization IV Beyond the Sword: Fall from Heaven Mod for about five hours. (Tekken is a fighting game we played on my PS2, Mancala is a game played by moving little pebbles around in and out of little wooden depressions, Civilization is my long-time favorite turn-based strategy game, Beyond the Sword is an expansion pack of Civ IV and Fall from Heaven is a kick-ass fantasy mod made by fans.)
Mott says, "listen to this paranoia: At times it felt to me like it seemed that i was almost avoiding making any physical contact of any kind, but I wasn't. I seemed like you led the majority of conversation, but you only were because i was the noobie in most of the stuff we did. i feel like i give off vibes i dont intentionally give off. this has happened before with me and i dont think people notice. That paranoia of mine is another fault. I feel like im always on much thinner ice than other people take me for. But then again, everytime i feel that way, i know im not and actually find out that im not from other sources. thoughts on that?"
I answer, "Yeah, actually. I did notice the whole trying not to touch but also trying to not try to not touch, LOL. I never noticed the conversation thing though, but I talk a lot and am used to usually leading conversations. Many members of my family and Crusipher don't really talk about anything that wasn't brought up by someone else."
It's so cool that he analyzes all that sort of stuff the same way I do. I get paranoid like that all the time, though less than I used to. I generally get paranoid about that sort of stuff with people I'm less comfortable with. Then again, I was a bit paranoid that I was boring him most of the time, or that I was pressuring him to hang out with me somehow, or that I might be wearing out his interest in visiting me, or that I might be coming off as hitting on him, etc. None of that paranoia however really was all that serious, more like passing thoughts.

I say: "Did I mention I had a dream about you before I met you?"
He answers: "exactly... no you didn't o_O"
Me: "In that dream I was leaning on you, but not actually doing anything sexual towards you. I just remember feeling very close kinship to you. We were outdoors and hanging out with someone else. I know the other guy was black but his face is more blurred than yours in the dream. We're in a cross between my backyard and a park. And I feel close kinship towards the other guy we're with too. That's all I remember though, but the feeling in the dream (which was the most potent part of the dream) is exactly how I feel around you. And I remember that when I woke up that the feeling was very odd and that it stuck with me all day. It was completely alien a feeling, and it made me have the urge to look more into going into college, incidently."
Him: "an omen?"
Me: "A pre-cursor to change, no-doubt. It only shows what a difference you'll make in my life. I dreamed about Crusipher before I met him too. I mean, one week has already changed a lot."

So yeah, I had a good day. Playing games is one of my favorite pass times for sure, even if he kicked my ass really bad in Mancalla. I like being out-smarted now and then though. Crusipher is into different types of games, most of them one-player, and with him working so much, there isn't much opportunity for us to game together.
Crusipher just called me. Since the boss is out of town they are working on doing their own paperwork, which could take any amount of time. Who knows how long really. There is the jewelry sales, and everyones paycheck and the shop's own profit as a business all to be figured. It's so mismanaged, really. So Crusipher has to stay until everything is figured out, which is so stupid. It's already 11:30pm.

8/4/08
August, 4th, 2008 at 12:38am

"That's what niggas do. When they love each other, they grope each other." ~Phoenix






8/4/08
August, 4th, 2008 at 2:22am

If my life were a bit of paper it would take everything in me to not just rip it into shreds and burn the ripped up bits for good measure... I forfeit so many dreams in search of peace. I used to want so many things for myself, and over time I've decided I'd much rather have peace. Look what talking to people does? It just disrupts my peace.
Perhaps that's why I always pull the hermit card in tarot readings for myself. Other people always pull it for me too. Society just doesn't have room for me... I'm lucky enough to have one person, having anybody else as a friend or anything at all is just too much to ask when you want peace too...
How about rice patties... The simple life. We go out in the morning (Crusipher and I) and plant rice. I return before lunch to cook for him and our children. The daughters cook with me, the sons work in the rice fields with Crusipher. The home is modest, but comfortable. In the evenings I read to my children. On the day of rest we paint and make music and go for long hikes through the country-side and hills and explore caves and observe nature...
I want my own family, my own kitchen, and babies. I hate all these damn things in my way. Modern culture makes it impossible to just do what simple people did. I know the grass is always greener, but think how much more healthy I'd be working on a farm, toning my muscles and eating fresh food off the land than I am sitting here in front of this laptop, surrounded by walls, buying stuff from stores that I barely know where it comes from, traveling the streets by car, feet or bike, either way, I'm breathing in the toxic city air.
Would any of that Motter to me if I had my own kitchen, family and babies? Probably only in retrospect to them. Why doesn't anybody understand? Why does everyone have such complex dreams? Am I the only traditional woman left in the world?!?!
I wonder... I can't help but wonder what I'll want once I have my family (and my kitchen)... What will I want then? I suppose a good life for my children and husband, like any mother. What's a good life anyway? One where you see your dreams fulfilled? At least six months before I'm married. At least another nine months of pregnancy. That's the absolute minimum amount of time... And right now? Right now I can't even be certain of how strong Crusipher's resolve is. I've cast my lots on his will power to not drink and his drive to be with me. Hopefully I've cast my lots right...