One O'clock In the Morning

7/23/08
July, 23rd, 2008 at 1:00am

Every night at about this time... Just about one o'clock in the morning... If Crusipher isn't here, I ask myself... "What am I living for? What is my purpose?" If my goal has been to become that awesome stay-at-home mom who home-schools her kids to be smart and confident, and to pamper and give to a loving husband, than my goal is no where near reached... Am I doing anything towards it at all?
He called at ten o'clock, one hour before he gets off work to say "hi" and abruptly got off the phone saying he had to do a tattoo. Perhaps this was his way of letting me know he'd be late, and I hate to complain when this is more than I usually ever get by way of warning, but... That call was like... Three hours ago.
Do I just sound like a wining baby? I can never figure out if I'm really being reasonable about this. I wish someone would give me an argument I have not heard before. Give me something I had not thought of that puts things more into perspective. The most eye-opening things I've heard about relationships to date are from Mort Fertel, but... Those eye-opening things have only led me further into despair.
In simple terms, he says, "the more you give, the more you love," and while that's true, this can be completely folly if you're madly in love with someone who doesn't love you as much. He says "put love first" because without love in your relationship (true love that is; giving love) then there will be no happiness in your life, and I agree. I already agreed before I ever heard that and I have been putting my love and my relationship first since I was too young for it to be appropriate by most standards. But should you put someone first when their actions (and words half the time) indicate that you come second and third to other parts of their life? I probably shouldn't, but I already have been, continue to do so, and don't know how to stop.
Mort says to not just give, but to give with meaning, and to give something that is wanted. I do, and I do, and I do, and have been since I met him. Often, he gives back to me, through back-rubs... Mostly back-rubs, though lately there hasn't been any rubs for like a week, though he's been making me tea every morning to wake me up. His "giving" pretty much ends after tea and rubs. The sex is mutual really, it's not me "giving" to him or him "giving" to me, it's us enjoying each other and showing each other how crazy we are for each other. It only becomes me giving something to him when I started doing it every single day with him and only taking off two days a month for cramps at the beginning of my period. But I consider that balanced out by his giving me enough money for groceries and enough to buy any little thing I need, which in general, isn't much of anything.
From that, you might think I'm expecting flowers, romantic vacations, poetry and violins. Really, I'm not. I'm looking for a phone-call that lets me know how he is doing and what his plans are and when he expects to be home with a few kind words to perk up my day. I'm looking to be greeted the moment he gets home, before he takes off his things. Just a kiss and a "hi" before he spends ten minutes getting settled. I'm looking for him to ask if it's okay with me each and every time he does something that is outside of his work schedule. Not because he needs "permission" but because he should love me enough to care if I care. Needless to say, I do all of these things for him, though sometimes now and then I don't greet him very well because I'm angry with him for not doing something else I've just mentioned.
Silly things, are they not? And yet repeatedly not doing them, day after day, when I go on and on about it... When I express with feeling how important it is... I discuss these things with him, cry to him about it, talk to him logically about it, try to get other sources to mention it... And he agrees! He agrees with me time and time again, but then he still doesn't do it... What am I make of that?
I just don't see any option that will get me anything I want out of life. That's the only thing that really gets me down. Out of all my freedoms and options, there isn't one that will make me closer to any of my life-long goals. Unless you count taking a trip to see the great pyramids someday. I could get a job and save for it... But how meaningless would a trip like that be all alone? It might be a trip I want to make because of the Anunnaki, but no trip is any fun unless you love the people you're with, and if you're alone... Then, well... You're a-lone; thus, in my case; lone-ly.
Stupid notepad. I can't put anything in italics. I can't use macros. Why did my desktop computer have to die on me? With that new novel I was working on stuck inside it! It makes me so mad and sad I could scream and cry at once. But then I calm myself and reason that soon enough Crusipher will buy parts to fix our desktops and we'll bond by doing it together...
...It's 1:20am. What am I living for?


7/23/08
Wednesday, July, 23rd, 2008 at 2:12pm

It's a Wednesday. Miraculously, Crusipher is actually off of work. (Must be that those other dudes actually went to work today. Amazing.) Crusipher woke me up with some tea, which was nice.
I feel so down and I don't even know where to begin. I think I need to get a job. Not because it will bring me anything I need or want, but because it will make everyone look at me differently. I'm sick of people acting like I don't do anything at all... I hate being viewed as so useless... I should take my bike around tomorrow and see what I come across.













7/24/08
Thursday, July, 24rd, 2008 at 1:30am

What a shitty day I had. I feel even more distant from Crusipher than ever. I can feel our love burning up into ashes. There is no fuel left, and instead of being warmed by the fire, I'm being choked by the ashes. I shouldn't say there is "no" fuel left... In the morning, when I first wake up, he has the chance to make me dance to his fiddle. I'm warm, cozy, comfortable, and ready to recieve and respond when I've been awake just a few minutes. It doesn't take much to turn off the entire morning mood though...
This morning, as most mornings this past week, he brought me tea. I love waking up to tea and touches. That makes me feel really loved and cared for. As I'm waking up he starts telling me about the day he had yesterday... We hadn't talked about his day on Tuesday because Tuesday night he got home at 2:30am. We didn't do much of anything really. I tried not to hate him, and he tried not to be in range of my rage.
So Wednesday morning (around 1:00pm) he starts telling me about how much fun he had "sparring with Frankie" who I guess is some guy that lives near the tattoo shop. Then he starts talking about some girl he met yesterday, or some girl he saw for the first time in a long time. I don't even remember because such a heat of jealousy came over me that I couldn't even digest his words. The last thing I need to hear is that he's getting home at 2:30am in the morning because "hot bitches" are around. (Or "fine-ass bitches" or "barbie gone emo" or anything similar.)
Crusipher actually pointed out something about myself that I hadn't realized before. It clicked right away and I automatically assimilated the notion into what I know about myself. He told me (after I told him that my jealousy is getting to be a serious problem for me) that I'm so jealous because I know that his popularity and his tattoo career are only going to escalate. In other words, he'll keep tattooing girls in private places, keep touching them, keep talking to them, keep letting them flirt with him and so forth. He's so right about that.
I don't know how I'm going to go on like this. I'm so miserable that every little thing is another pin in my side. I'm getting uncharacteristic of myself... I'm beginning to feel like this knot in my stomach, this tightness in my throat, this weight in my chest is just normal... Sometimes I don't even notice how strung out I am until a cord is struck. One of those cords is children. It hurts so bad to know that I'm so far from being a mother still. "Hurts so bad" is such an understatement... How about... The emotion I feel towards having my own babies is so deep and so wide-spread throughout my ambitions and goals that the thought of being so far away from being a fit mother within a fit family is draining my vital energy and pounding my guts into dust while my heart wretches and screams in silent agony.
I want a child so badly at this point I'm almost willing to just have one with Crusipher... How desperate is that? What a waste it would be! And yet I think about each and every day... I also cry everyday. I'm back to that. This is exactly where I was one year and six months into my relationship with Tre. I feel almost exactly the same. I feel betrayed, stupid, worthless and neglected. Unloved, I supposed, is a sufficient term for how I feel too.
For a long time I had a lot of hope because Crusipher seemed so ready to try for me, so ready to do for me, so ready to give priority to me... I see that changing. He's becoming belligerent in his drinking. I don't even complain anymore... I feel like I'm betraying myself not to speak against it, but it's no use. I think I shall buy some alcohol to prove a point. Since I don't want anything with any sugar in it, it might be tricky. I've also considered faking drunk... I just want him to see how stupid it is...
Jeremy once cut himself because I cut myself to show me how stupid it was, and how it solved nothing. I was so upset that he hurt himself and I got the message loud and clear... Christ. Jeremy... I can't lie and say I have not considered him. Of course I have. Considering a distant possible option is completely different from making plans, by way of defense, if I need a defense. I've been "considering" a lot of different things. It's coming down to what I can and can't live with and what I do and don't want, plain and simple. It's all the emotions attached to all the expectations that makes things complicated.
Without emotions attached, Crusipher is a fine choice. He's out of my hair (if this was "with emotions attached, then this would be a draw back, but if it's not someone I care about much, than out of my hair is a plus), he makes money, he takes care of him self, his sex is great, he's attractive, well-spoken, well-dressed, has good choice in TV shows and in video games and he is more affectionate than most men. The draw backs (still without emotions attached) are that he listens to music I can't stand, hangs out with friends that I don't like, and that there is little time for us to do anything together.
Without emotion, the pros outweigh the cons pretty easily. The moment I add emotions... It becomes difficult. I care about his health, his well-being, and I care about our future, our possible engagement and especially about parenting. I'm concerned that he's not touching me anywhere near as much as he used to... I feel cold from lack of affection, so cold that I don't even feel the craving for it. (Just like I felt about five months before I left Tre.)
All my thoughts and feelings are clattering together so loudly in my head that the silence in this room is hard to make sense of. I feel so desolate... Just knowing that he will continue to go out, he will continue to drink, he will continue to disrespect me, he will continue to make promises he can't keep... Knowing those things... Having them proven to me by his actions day after day after day... It makes me want to do something drastic.
I'm so sick of nit-picking out everything he says and does and explaining how those actions and words make me feel and why they make me feel that way, and how some little alteration would have made all the difference. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of explaining myself. How many times do I have to open up and explain my innermost feelings to be taken seriously?
Why, why, why, why... WHY! Why after all this time does he still try and tell me he "doesn't believe" what I'm saying. I'm sick of this liar bull shit. When I say what I say, I MEAN IT! If I made a mistake and said something I did not mean, then I will correct myself as soon as I realize that I have mis-spoken. I admit to being wrong when I'm wrong. He says that he admits to being wrong and that I don't. Well, he drinks, it makes arguments, it makes him vomit sometimes, it makes him stay out later than intended, it makes him prone to anger, and it makes me want to leave him. All of which, I have explained at great length, and often through tears, often in anger, often while on the brink of breaking something, and also many times calmly and reasonably. I've explained that I don't want his health damaged, I've explained that it makes him smell... I've explained that it makes me think less of him. He has promised me just about an equal amount of times that he will quit. And then he doesn't.
I've said a number of times, in a number of ways, that I will not marry him if he's drinking. I don't think I can marry him at all anymore anyway, because I can't trust him anymore... But aside from that, he's known that I wouldn't marry a drinking man for well over a year, and today he had at least three beers. (And not the little beers either. I'm talking the large glass bottles.) I didn't argue with him about it, he knows the choice he is making. It's heart-breaking, but the thing is, I've been slowly, slowly, slowly adjusting to the idea that we're not going to be together forever. It's hard to say the least, but it has to be done, and him continuing to drink only helps me realize that it's just inevitable...
That "all or nothing" deal... He stuck to it one week. One blasted, glorious, hopeful, stupid, stupid week! I've been sticking to it up until just about this week. For over a month I've had sex with him every day, I've been there for his every wish, I've visited him at work, I've tried very hard to be understanding, and today, I even went out with him and El. He said if I did such things, he could quit. I should have known better, and I guess, deep down, I did know better... But I wanted to hope. Well, I hoped, and now I'm done hoping. Now I'm just trying to cope.
Worst sign of all? More and more often I want him to leave on his days off. I'm tried of feeling like we're dead. I'm more and more prone to tears and like Tre, he's more and more prone to think less of me for all my crying. He says I'm "being wack" (perhaps "whack") when I cry now. Comforting Crusipher is gone. Loving Crusipher is gone. He's loving while we're fucking, when he's trying to fuck and about thirty-percent of the time he's loving for ten to twenty minutes afterwards. I still love him, but as I feel that he isn't "in love" with me anymore, I feel like I might not be "in love" with him anymore. I'm just not willing to bend as far backwards anymore. My patience is coming to a close. I want desperately for him to open his eyes before it's too late...
I don't want to throw around break-up like a bad hat, but if I don't tell him... How will he know? This has to change right now for anything to be salvaged. I'm bitter. I resent myself and I resent him. I'm cold. I'm angry. I'm depressed. He is distant. He is continuing to drink. He is focusing on his job and not on us. He is being inconsiderate and unloving. This can not continue this way. Our days are numbered, and I feel entirely helpless. I've tried everything that was within my logic to try, and now I'm going to step outside of my logic. I'm going to try and find a job, and if I get one, then maybe things will change, if not, then I'll be better prepared to be single. I'm also going to try to give him a taste of his own medicine by not being here much more often.
Generally, I'm always here when he gets home, once in two or three months I am out later than expected, and each and every time I call him to let him know. Never has he come home to an empty room with no explanation. But about twice a week on average he is late without a phone call, and about once a week he is gone for hours and hour on end without word or explanation. About once in two weeks he's out and his excuse is that he felt flattered because a bunch of hot girls were talking to him. About once a week he is drinking while out, and once a week while in. That is two nights a week of having two beers or more. How would he like getting that from me?
Pulling it off will be hard. Hard is an understatement for sure. I've cut off connections with all of my "friends" because I hate going to parties. The real plan is to sit at Tina's house and ignore his phone calls randomly. It's against everything I believe, but I need to try something. By day I am going to put forth an effort to job-hunt, and to learn to drive, and by night I will make an effort to be elsewhere without notice.
At a time like this I wish Tre still lived in Buffalo so I could bum some weed from him. I bet Crusipher wouldn't like me coming home high, and I'd really prefer to be get high to make my point than to drink. Drinking just disgusts me. Weed, while enjoyable on occasion, is not a wise life-choice.
I hate to even think about doing these things, but what is there to do? It's my last plan of action, and if but nothing else, it will open my eyes. If his eyes are not opened, then so be it, he is not the man for me. If his eyes are opened, then perhaps we can try one last restart. Honestly, I was a fool to give him another shot after he got so drunk that he faught me and pissed on my floor and layed there in it. He injured my wrist which hurt for weeks, and I left sractches all over him. We had barely known each other then, but that was the first time he crushed my heart... I already had emotions for him then... And they still became stronger, and stronger. Now, my feelings are only dulled by the passage of time...
I feel close while we're fucking... Sometimes. It doesn't feel like making love anymore. It feels like fucking. Here and there, for a night or a day, I feel like we're close again, like we're in love again, like there is hope again, but generally that feeling doesn't make it more than three days. This last week, it hasn't been for more than a day at a time. Just last night he told me I'd spend the entire day with him today. We made plans to go to Red Robin together, go grocery shopping and to get his magic cards from Dana's house...
Let's see, early on he declared he felt like hanging out, then he declared that Red Robin costed more money than it was worth. (I bet he spent nearly as much on chips and beer and weed today. Fucking bastard.) He grudgingly took me grocery shopping, complaining all the way, staring at all the other girls... (I smacked him for looking at another girl. This is completely nuts. Completely out of character. I'm going insane! It was right out of a movie.) And I never even mentioned the magic cards after all that drama. Then El came over by Crusipher's request. I told him I didn't want El over and that I'd rather they left together. Crusipher, after asking me, ignored what I said and told El that I didn't mind. I gritted my teeth and said "whatever, it's not that serious." What was serious is that he ignored me, not that El was coming over. He made plans to hang out with Amber on Saturday and his mom on Sunday. He didn't ask me on either of those points, not like what I would have said would have changed anything.
I left. I was pissed. I got on my bike and left. When I got back El and Crusipher were going to the park that is half way across Buffalo. I wasn't crazy about the notion after already biking a large loop around the house and having some long meaningless conversation with a girl I know from way back when Tina and a bunch of people used to hang out together, sometimes with me. I went anyway. Crusipher accused me of lying about where I had been, which was just silly. Then they took off really fast on their bikes and I thought they had ditched me so I stopped and just sat on my bike and started crying. Crusipher came back for me and yelled at me for thinking he would leave me. I yelled at him for calling me a liar. We went on. He tried to make me drink the beer with him which just disgusted me and angered me. He's said before he doesn't want me to drink, so that's just another hypocritical point. He said I was being "wack" for not doing it, and then I got really mad and started to leave. He caught up with me about five minutes later and pulled me back again.
I cried, and cried, and cried some more. It's pointless but I can't stop. I've cried at least twenty times today. In the grocery store, in bed this morning, in the car, on my bike three times, while we were at the park four or five times, three or four times since I got home... None for more than five minutes because I don't let myself carry on like that for long periods of time like I used to, but still. I'm so broken. I fucking smacked him for looking at some girl's ass. Now that was wack. And where is his head at? Trying to make me drink!? Is he nuts?
Now it's going on three in the morning. I have leg cramps. He is passed out. I'm miserable. I hate my life. I hate him for doing this to me. I really do hate him right now, in this docile sort of way. It's not an angry hate, it's a resentful, regretful, painful hate. It's very passionate. I hate him for not loving me the way I love him. I hate him for leading me on. I hate him for not giving me what I need from him when he clearly sees what I need and is able to offer it to me. I hate myself for being in this situation again. I hate. I just hate. I'm so filled with it right now that I'm just outright bitter. I want to fight, and that's an odd desire for me...
But most deeply... I want to be his number one. I want to be first on his priority list. I want to be the center of his world and his happiness. I want to make him proud, to marry him as a sober and bright man. I want to have his children and raise them to be smart, happy and loving people. I want that more than anything else in the world, and I'm just as far as I've ever been from getting there. I hate myself for being so slow about making it happen. I hate him for fucking up my dreams and my hopes. I hate this, and I want to fight it, and I'm out of good ideas, so now I'm resorting to the bad ideas. How much worse can things get anyway? Not worse than things did with Tre, so whatever. I'll keep trying for now... I can't stop caring overnight... But if I could? I think I would. These emotions are more painful than they are worth... Even now I feel that "being stabbed" feeling in my chest. My heart doesn't want to admit that it doesn't want to feel this heart-breaking love anymore... Because as long as I feel it, I have to try and make it work. I could physically walk away, sure, but my emotions won't let me do it. I'm stuck.
I hate myself for being so fucking stuck! Why can't I think logically and not emotionally? Why can't I just use him for his sex and his money and leave it at that? He wouldn't even notice the difference! If anything, he would like me a lot better. I should strive for that. This is money and sex, and nothing more! Ha! I declared it, and well, it's completely untrue. Now I want to undeclare that, because that would be a lie. Perhaps if I lie to myself enough then I'll believe it? Christ, what am I saying? I'm off the wall now. Just off the wall. I hate everything I just wrote. I hate everything I just wrote with a passion. I wish...
I would wish to die, but that wouldn't be very satisfying. I wish for both Crusipher and I to find peace, either together or apart. Amen.