Mott

7/31/08
Thursday, July 31st, 2008 at 2:00pm

Hallie & Tater,
I completely agree. I was on my way to leaving Crusipher. I was well on my way. I am aware that there is no real sign that Crusipher will ever give up drinking. There is nothing to show me he cares, that he loves me, that he will/would change, etc. However, something very interesting has happened...
It may be a mistake to post the following, but I'm known for being brutally honest in my writing and in my life. So here goes nothing... Friday, the day I wrote "Today was a much better day," something pretty amazing happened. I went to the Card Shop (right next door to the tattoo shop) and I had a really good time. I watched a game of Dungeons and Dragons for the first time, and I thought it was awesome. I had a long conversation with my very first boyfriend (that I never had sex with) Chris, and talked and laughed with Adam. They were both playing D&D so I talked to them about the game.
Saturday I pretty much just hung out with Crusipher at work all day. I've been desperate to feel loved, so this is a predictable move, though not an advisable one, since he's at work after all.
Sunday, he left to go be with his mom. I wrote, "I didn't call him to let him know I was leaving the house or anything..." Which is very unlike me and totally against my principles. I hate that I did that, but I had to. I was making my point, and I made it well. I went to the Cardshop, which unlike the Tattoo Shop, is open on Sundays. I was sad at first to see nobody I knew at all there. I felt a little uncomfortable. I made small talk with a guy on his laptop.
This guy on his laptop was with his little brother and playing World of Warcraft (also known as WoW). I continued to talk to him mostly because there was no one else to talk to. He seemed like a gamer guy, and I noted that he seemed to need some Proactive Skin Care. I guessed him about twenty years old, and his brother about thirteen. I found out later that his brother is 11 and that he is 18, a year younger than me, also a January birthday.
I tagged along with him when he went to some gathering around the corner at Wes's house. I tagged along when he hung out on Bidwell, which is also around the corner from the Cardshop. Crusipher didn't call. I tagged along when he went to his house to drop of his brother. Then we biked down a nearby path just for fun. We ended up kinda near my house so we went to my house. After all that activity, I was hot and sweaty. I looked for my plain black knee-length dress, but couldn't find it. I ended up putting on a dress I recently bought at Target, admittedly near the panty and bra section.
It didn't show anything, but it wasn't exactly a sun dress either. When Crusipher got home around eleven o'clock at night he cooly said "hi" and then went to his laptop. Mott left about an hour later. Crusipher exploded afterwards, thinking I had slept with the guy because of what I was wearing. Looking back on it, I should have kept looking for something else to put on, but I was so hot and tired and sticky I just wanted to change as fast as I could.
It made him jealous. I spent Monday at the shop again with him. Tuesday I came by and I couldn't enter the tattoo shop because of some co-worker drama, so I hung out in the Cardshop and Crusipher visited me there. I actually played D&D for the first time with Mott as the Dungeon Master. Adam & Mary also played with us. (Mary being the counter-lady.) Around 7:30pm, Mott and I went to the Bidwell park again. We sat down on the grass and talked until 11:00pm when I went back around the corner and biked home with Crusipher. Mott seems like my new best friend, and perhaps my first best friend. He sent me this e-mail;

"do you have a link to your blog somewhere? i couldn't find it on the saga fansite. -Mott"

I wrote him back...

The Saga Fansite is just one of my many many sites, and one that doesn't link to my blog incidentally. I used to be a web-designer. Not sure if I mentioned that before.
Mott,
For me, lust has been a blessing and a curse. In three cases now, it's brought me to a much deeper attachment. In about twice as many cases, it's only led to regret and folly... I seem to be stumped as to where I was going to take that. Writing generally allows me a better organized thought than in person, but... Not at the moment...
I suppose this is part of my cycle, but finding someone like you inside my pitiful cycle was completely unexpected. Before I fell in love for the first time, I was with Ronnie. Ronnie dumped me (which was really doing me a huge favor) and I turned to one of his friends, Jeremy. In the early days with Jeremy, I cheated on him with Ronnie, because I wasn't over Ronnie yet. In time, I grew to really love Jeremy, which led me slowly to try and change. I met Adam about 1.5 years into my relationship with Jeremy, and things weren't perfect between us, and Adam held some mutual interests and attraction... I broke up with Jeremy one morning during an argument, fled to Adam's house, (didn't exactly intend on sleeping with him) and four hours after my arrival we're having sex on the couch. Then I came home, fessed up to what I did, felt terrible about myself, and we got back together. For me, it was a life-changing lesson and I became a new person. For Jeremy, it was the last straw and he couldn't trust me anymore. Three months later Jeremy broke up with me.
I met Tre, and very quickly went to bed with him (heartbroken as I was, and desperate and miserable) and then shortly thereafter became his girlfriend. For the first week-ish/month-ish time I was still messing around with Jeremy (part of the reason Janet hates me, because they started going out only two weeks after Jeremy left me, Tre and I started going out four weeks later, so he was cheating too). Then, one day about a month or so into my relationship Tre it hit me that I was in love again and that I didn't want to be a cheater, so when I saw Jeremy again I said no and kept to it. Then, about 1.5 years into the relationship I met Jay, and things were not going so great with Tre, so I latched on. I spent a lot of time around him, met his friends, went to his house, went for walks alone with him... But I drew a line for myself; no kissing, no removing clothing, no groping. I let myself be groped, but didn't touch back. I felt proud that I was able not to sleep with him, and thank god I didn't, now that I know how many girls he's been with and what type of girls they are... Turns out Jay is a crack-head, who would have thought? He came off as spiritual and deep and shit... Anyway, I left Tre because he was stealing from me among other things.
About a month later I decide I want to start having house parties and I invited El over to help me plan. El brought his room-mate with him, Crusipher. They were both trying to cap to me, I found out later, but I only had eyes for Crusipher. I had no compunctions about it being the first night, but I was worried that crazy-ass Tre would do something if he found out... But since it wasn't cheating, I couldn't hold myself back, I was single after all, so why not? I even got a condom that time, freaking amazing. And now I'm 1.5 years into my relationship and I meet you. But you're heads above Adam or Jay. You're like the next life-saver, only six months too soon. But some random guy wouldn't work on me anymore anyway. It's like you were brought to me just to give me a new challenge of self-control.
The real question is, do I need to control myself? Perhaps nothing will change with Crusipher down the line at all, and perhaps giving him up now is just as well. In which case, I might be missing out on... Oh, this sounds bad. This sounds really bad. I shouldn't think this way, but it's how I'm thinking. I don't think in terms of being single, I think in terms of "where am I going to run when this stops working?" I didn't think that way for a long while, perhaps almost a full year... I proposed to him you know. We were supposed to be getting married in April. Fat chance I'd do that now. Not after everything he has done to me...
The real problem is that I'm afraid it's already too late. You see, I'm already questioning if it would Motter if Crusipher became what I always knew he was. I'm questioning if that is what I really want for myself for the rest of my life. And questioning that changes everything...
There are too many things I can't say to him now. There are too many pent-up memories of anger and pain when I think about him and look at him. It would take months, and maybe even a full year of happy memories with him to erase all the horrible ones imprinted inside me... And I'm not sure my addiction can wait that long...
My real addiction. I'm not addicted to sex, but rather, to love. Isn't it just wonderful to sigh in contentment in the middle of doing some mundane task? Isn't it magical to find beauty in everything you look at? Isn't it amazing to find that you have energy to talk all night after a long day being out and about? That feeling is the only thing in the world I really care about. That is why I circle my life around one person at a time. I also love making someone feel that way about me. The dance of learning about them, and then using the information to bring all sorts surprises into their life... Cooking their favorite food, taking them to their favorite place, prying open their darkest places and pulling out the tears and pain of harsh memories. It's just magical, and everything else pales in comparison.
Many times in the last couple months I almost left Crusipher, and I only stayed for two reasons: money and sex. I like getting laid everyday. I like cuming everyday. And I like not having to worry about my financial situation all the time as well. And just for those two heartless reasons, I held on when everything inside me told me he didn't deserve me. I'm too devoted for someone who isn't going to be that devoted to me.
So you see, you're a real anomaly for me. You may be a test of my will power. You may be my great escape. You may be the friend I never had. You may be all three at once. I prefer to think of you as all three. You're my friend and my test of will for now, and maybe for a long time, and likely, in the future, when this can't continue as it has been, perhaps you'll be my great escape... If you haven't left for Japan by then...
I'm just afraid... Of something really bad. What if I fall for you before it's right to give up on what I've got? Or worse, what if I shouldn't give up on what I have, and I fall for you anyway? What an awkward situation that would be!
I'm just hoping it will all pass. I want to be your friend. I do. I wish I didn't want to lean my back against yours while sitting in between your legs with your arms around me while we looked at D&D books or watched anime. It takes every bit of control within me to keep from touching you. I don't even have "being a man" as an excuse! I feel like that makes me worth less as a person, which just complicates everything even more. I'm afraid that all of this will just make you think less of me. I'm afraid that writing this in itself is a mistake...
If only he hadn't made me hate him. But I suppose blame is just an immature reaction to guilt. You wanted a challenge. What can I do? What should I do?

So I got it all out. And he replied...

Phoenix,
Writing that was definitely NOT a mistake. Im extremely glad that you wrote that whole thing to me. I'll be honest as well and tell you that i really wanted to know your past at the cardshop, what the source of the rumors were. And i never went to anyone at adventure for and for you to tell me is perfect. Thanks for giving me your trust.
I think you do need to controll yourself. I understood your obsession from love pretty easily. It was obvious, i must say. its very respectable and understandable. You already know how addictions work and where they lead to. I controll myself a little too much i think, but thats a problem of my own. I beleive that like i said, you need to compromize. Don't become abstinent or anything, but to seek it out sex at every turn is unhealthy phychologically, emotionally, and physically. I eat candy now and then, in moderation, and i brush my teeth. I get to enjoy the candy, but i remain healthy. And perhaps in the future he wont change and maybe he will. What you DONT want is to end up stuck with him if he doesn't change. I dont like commenting too much on your relationship because you know him better than I, and theres only so much i can get into your head until I'm just guessing. From what i can see, you're addicted to love (john lenon said "all you need is love" afterall), and you feel like you aren't getting any from him. You said there were so many things you can no longer say to him, but it seems like something needs to be said. You can't wait in limbo both unsure of the other's feelings. You can't end up the woman who married a man because she felt like she had no other choice. You're only 19. How many 19 year olds are ready to make a choice like marriage? You and i are so honest and open with eachother, so we can talk like this. I think you need to have the same kind of atmousphere with him. I think its great that you can find happiness in so many places, especially considering what i know about you. You said that it made you stronger yourself. i do find it a little pitiful as you do that money and sex are the motives to maintain your own misery and dissatisfaction. You need to get out of it. You should get a job and take those classes you've wanted to take. Im not saying you need to leave him, but you need to become independent regaurdless of the status of your relationship. Would you rather live in misery trapped by your dependence on others? Or would you want to live with others, able to be free from the rule of other's around you. My freinds and I are all over when it comes to jobs. I do babysitting and yardwork for my older brother now and then and have very little money. another freind works at the buffalo club and makes tons of cash. But we all are generous with eachother. Of course, none of us are worrying about shelter (not yet at least, *crosses fingers*) but what it comes down to is that none of us are dependent on the others. We give and take and dont keep track of who owes who what. No one should be completely dependent on someone else. Relationships should be cooperative between lovers, freinds, and family members.
I want to be a test of your will power and i want you to pass the test. I clearly want to be the freind you never had and i hope to the god i dont even beleive in that i succeed at that. Weather or not i become your great escape is yet to be seen. But i dont want you to consider me an option for the future, a fallback plan or anything. I would much rather be that lifelong freind. There are others like me out there, they're often hard to find but i've found quite a few. I dont care if we hug or lean or whatever, after all i do that with guys all the time, lol. But i would think it would feel weird for you (maybe not with every guy but with me i think you might be conflicted).
I also noticed when i said it that the whole japan thing worried you. "Dont worry, Be Happy right?" You probably knowing Bob Marley better than i do ;). Thats so far off and right next summer is a pipedream of mine. Unless something amazing happens financially, i'll be staying for at least next summer, lol.
And especially dont worry about falling for me. Remember that when it comes down to it, love is just your subconscious and intuition noticing things about other people and sending out the right love cocktail into your brain to try and get you to reproduce (like i said, its the 2% conscious part of the brain that is for social interaction). Just like any thing else it can be redirected or even abolished by conscious effort.
In conclusion, i think you should first of all, end your dependency and try and create some kind of interdepency. Secondly, you should use your own judgement to see if you want to stay with him for the rest of your life. Dont do anything rash. Make sure you get his side of the story. If he is so unwilling to go that deep with you that he would rather ignore you or what have you, then i think you should test him to the point where he has to make the choice to leave you or open up. Lastly, stay freinds with me for as long as the world will let you. Please trust me as much as you did in sending me that e-mail. You have my trust.
anything thats left to be said i'll say on AIM.
-Mott

So this all goes to show how far from a healthy relationship Crusipher and I have strayed. But all of this has made Crusipher very jealous. He seems to have a much better understanding of how much I've been hurting. He's promised once again to quit drinking and to do all the things that I want. I feel good about all this, even if it leads to nothing. And more than anything, I'm glad I have not made any physical move on Mott. I'm glad he's my friend. It's good to have a friend. I was thinking this morning how cool it would be to go to an amusement park with a bunch of close people to me, but I couldn't take Jeremy with me and Crusipher too. I couldn't take Will either, because they're exs. But I could take Mott and Crusipher too, because Mott is just a friend, and I love that. I'm glad I've held myself together thus far, and I think it will be easier from here forward.