Friday, September, 26th 2008 at 11:55am
Angel is still asleep and Crusifer has gone to work... It’s quiet and dark, and I have little inclination to change that. Something is altering Crusifer’s behavior... I think it might be the recent fights he’s been in and his co-workers’ behavior, which is grimier than ever.
Him coming home late hasn’t been much of a problem since SFX, because he was always sorry, and it was never of his own volition, and he was always so sweet and affectionate when he got home. But it hasn’t been like that the past few times. In fact, it started last week Wednesday, nine days ago.
He said he’d be gone fifteen minutes, and was gone eight hours. He never told me why, and every time I’ve asked he got this really solemn look and would say “not now.” Not now, of course, means not ever. And then last Friday I believe it was, he came home around four in the morning, he didn’t talk about that either. Both Monday and Tuesday he was very late (Tuesday was another two in the morning) and both times he said he’d been in a fight.
Wednesday, Angel, Crusifer, my mom and I all went to Niagra Falls on the Canadian side and road on the maid of the mist. That was fun, and of course, Crusifer didn’t go anywhere then, because, well, where could he go? (I can just hear you chuckling, ha, ha, ha.)
Then last night, again he came home late. Only midnight that time, and he brought tea up for the both of us. But after that kind gesture he went on to being distant. He left for work this morning at 11:50am, even though work doesn’t start until 1:00pm. Why does he need and hour and ten minutes for a five minute bike ride? He says generally people get there at 12:30pm, but still, why leave the half hour earlier then? He used to leave at 12:45pm, and then after half a year of that, he started leaving at 12:30pm, and after another half a year of that he started leaving at 12:20pm or 12:15pm, and now, in these last three months he’s been leaving at noon, but starting just this last week he’s been out of my bedroom before noon day after day.
And what’s worse is that his coming home is no better. When he began he came home every night at 11:05pm, sometimes right at 11:00pm. Every now and then he’d get off early and be home by 10:30pm. That happens like once in a blue moon now... I feel like the second wife. I’m the back-up singer to his work.
This morning, he brought me tea, and spent perhaps ten minutes beside me, where I touched him without much vise versa at all, and when I asked him if he would touch me just for a little bit he said, “Nope, I have tattoos to do, so enjoy your tea.” No “goodbye” and no “I love you” and no “have a nice day” or anything. Not even a “good luck on your driving test.” I feel so entirely betrayed this morning. I was so stunned and hurt that I didn’t say anything back. I just stared dumbly after him as he went down the stairs.
Worst of all? He had no need to be in a hurry at 11:50am. There won’t be tattoos to do until 1:00pm or later. He’s demonstrating to me how not important I am again. The short break from this pain is over it seems. I had my hopes because he hasn’t been drinking and because he talks about marriage more than I do and because he would greet me first when he got home for a long while there... He was coming home on time for a long while, perhaps an entire two months? Without my chart it’s hard to say.
I’m tempted to make a new chart. I stopped bothering with it because I believed that my feelings were telling me enough truth without the evidence of the chart. I felt that I didn’t need the chart to tell me how to feel about my relationship. But the hard evidence of time spent and actions done is such a good reality check... So far this week, not one day has he arrived at 11:05pm.
9/26/08
PS: Last night he unplugged the lamp instead of turning the switch and told me he’d plug it back in when the morning came, but he didn’t. Also he didn’t stir the honey into the tea. He’s so remote from me that it’s scary. What’s odd is that Matt became remote about a week before Crusifer did. And I noticed about a month ago, when I asked my mom to help me with the Japanese symbols, that she’s grown remote from me too. I feel like I’m stuck searching inside myself for something to keep me settled and okay, constantly fighting my own current to try and find the source of my own streams. I’m not being pushed in any direction, but rather, I’ve been let go and am drifting, drifting...
He left all his stuff out again too. I’m a maid and a sex whore. Always good to know.
Monday, September, 29th 2008 at 11:32am
It seems like Crusifer is losing patience with me or something along those lines. Like he just can’t tolerate me. The things I’ve been doing and saying for the last few months are suddenly a problem... Not so much of a big problem, but little annoyances.
He’s gotten incredibly moody. One moment he’ll be happy with me, praising me, and the next he is yelling at me and turning his back to me. I might have been wrong to have hope. Maybe he’s not really changing as much as I thought he was?
But he hasn’t been drinking. Is that lack of opportunity? Or is it his will that is keeping him from doing it? Is he trying to quit once and for all? It’s hard to say. I’ve experiences too many relapses with him to know what will last and what won’t.
I’ve come to wish he wouldn’t bring me tea... I mean, I still appreciate it, but he’s gotten so bitter about me. He’ll use it against me, and I can’t stand that. Do I use having sex with him every day against him? Is that how he sees it?
I hope I have my period today. I can’t afford to be pregnant.
Tuesday, September, 30th 2008 at 12:43pm
By the by, any feelings I had beyond friendship towards Matt have entirely dissipated. There are a number of reasons for this, including the passing of time, realizing his position fully, realizing the complete incompatibility, observing his appearance enough in earnest to realize how I wouldn’t be the least bit interested in any physical encounter, and also the size of his ego. In short, Matt is of a category that I’ve met few of: worthy, but not my type.
Of course, before, during and after my “crush” on Matt has been the underlying fact that I’m in a relationship. This fact has kept me from making any rash decisions to an adequate degree. I just thought I’d mention that.
Angel is likely on her flight right now. My mother and I went to the airport with her early this morning to see her onto her 10:00 o’clock flight. We saw her through the checking in part and up to the place where they check your bags and then it was time to say goodbye. No tears or anything like that, just some hugs. She never completely overcame her shyness.
Comments:
2008-09-26 17:11:00 Maliger - poetsespresso@gmail.com
It sounds like Crusifer is hiding something otherwise he'd tell you what's going on. If he's hiding something it could be one of many things, it's good to not rule out any possibility till it's known but he could be addicted to something and it could be affecting him, or it could be he's got problems with other people he's trying to work out in an unconventional way, or it could be he's meeting with someone that you'd be jealous of, or it could be he's trying to work out some problem like debt or maybe he's even lost his job and is looking for a new one and didn't want you to know. Whatever it is tell him that "if you have something troubling you let me know, and I can tell that you're hiding something so tell me now, people in relationships are supposed to be honest with each other!"
http://rainflowers.org
2008-09-29 19:17:44 Nicole - nicholeia@hotmail.com
I'm sending you positive vibes and thinking about you. I really hope it gets better for you two, you have so much love in your heart for him.
http://bliss-sad.diaryland.com
Malinger,
I think it's most likely: "he has problems with other people he's trying to work out in an unconventional way" He doesn't need to cheat, and he's already has been struggling with drinking which he's been improving in and he very clearly wasn't drunk each of the these last times. And I know his job is secure, because I've called him at his job number, and he rants about his co-workers and all of that. (And I’ve seen him at work recently.) I think something is going on with the people he knows that is affecting him emotionally... But I have no way to prove it or bring it out of him without (likely) causing an argument.
I do think that it would be a good idea to remind him to be honest with me however.
Nicole,
I can always use positive vibes! He’s being sweet to me again this morning, but he was late again last night. He says it was because El was having problems with Ivan and that El is moving out and that El needed some help. I don’t know if it was for moral support or for physical labor, but either way Crusifer got home around one in the morning.
Tuesday, September, 30th 2008 at 7:19pm
The last thing I really need right now is to start questioning myself again.
September 26th, 2008, Matt writes;
“Looks like I'm seriously out of it. You said I'm acting different, ash seems to have noticed and she hasn't even know me for nearly as long. I've noticed, god-dammit. I'm over-stressed and was unwilling to realize it. I keep catching myself saying that I can handle things but I can't. I only realized this today when you finally mentioned online that I'm different. I'm over-stressed. I can't do all of the things I need to or want to. I need to start allowing people to do things for me. I need to stop biking so much. I need to eat more. I need to do less. My foot is bruised, my leg is in two places. Last night I woke up with cramps in both legs. they were so bad I started to whimper before they subsided. It couldn't have just been the cramps, I wouldn't reach so low a level from just pain. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I caught myself craving salt this morning. I need to go get something healthy to drink.
I want to start nanowrimo now so I have something to set my mind to and just go with it. I want to participate with other people and just talk about stories. I want to watch anime. I want to play video games. I want to go to sleep. I want Chris to stop his suicidal temptations and go to college. I want people to be decisive, I want to be able to say whatever the hell I want to whomever I want whenever I want and I want them to understand me. I want them to disagree for the right reasons. I want to reach the same relationship status I have with Chris and you with everyone else. I don't want to have to prove myself, and I don't want people to constantly prove themselves to me. So many people deserve more than they are getting and some sadly so. I want some people to just go away. I want others to just stay where they are. I think I need a home, a real home, a place where I don't need to worry about where I am or what I'm doing. I am not entirely free anywhere. I see Chris's problem now. Its not just that video games have destroyed his concept of reality. He is genuinely a slave all the time. There is nowhere he can go where he is free. Everywhere there is some restriction in some way. He always uses ridiculous examples but he has a valid point. Is this what that whole "coming of age" thing is about? Losing your roots? I see now why that's such a good metaphor. I want to reach a certain place, so I cut off my roots, for a while now I seem to be flowing in the current trying to use it and fight it until I land where I want.”
Well, isn’t that pretty damn familiar? It all sounds like things I’ve said really. I said to Matt;
“You have a similar problem as I. And especially the way you're expressing it here... That's actually why I'm not in college. Or at least a very large part of why I’m not in college. I once went to school, worked, dealt with an unhealthy relationship, friendless, and I ended up losing myself in drugs and self hatred and depression until everything just fell apart. From then on, I decided to keep "extras" out of my life.”
He said, “friends help a lot.”
I scoff and say, “Well, real friends help a lot, fake friends multiply all of your problems. And I've had enough fake friends for about six life times. And recently I've decided I want extra "stuff" and in, physical possessions out of my life as well.
He says, “I like.” This is his way of saying ‘I agree with what you’re saying for once.’
I say, “I see this house and I think, ‘this has so much EXTRA STUFF getting in the way of LIVING!’ And of course, it's my mom's stuff really, but she's 60, so of course she has a lot of old stuff. I may not have as much by any stretch, but I don't want to ever have that much stuff, ever.”
He says, “I like,” again.
“And,” I continue, “I don't want any where near as much stuff going on in my life as you do either. Having you in my life, and perhaps having Angel as well has filled up the social gap in my life just fine. You have a lot of extra going on. And the complicate things, you have so many ambitions that you want MORE extra. And of course, if there were say 200 hours in a day, you would treat everything equally and give your all to every aspect of your life, but clearly there are only 24 hours in a day, and you need to sleep for 8 of them.”
He says, sidetracking, “Chris gave me some of the best advice i've gotten and he didn't even give me advice, he just did what he usually does. but i realized some things that i've been implementing and its working well.”
“What's that?” I ask.
“Mostly accepting hospitality... I don't even consider whether or not I might be intruding. Given how hospitable I act and that I don't ever feel that people are intruding on me, it makes sense.” He answers.
After some conversation digress I say, “I've been thinking about my total lack of roots recently as well. I have no culture, I have no background. I mean, obviously I do, but not in that fulfilling or prideful sense.”
“I dunno, you seem like you have a home,” He says, seemingly looking at ‘roots’ in a completely different way than I was. “You actually seem to have a lot of influence about what goes on there as far as living is concerned... We have different problems in that sense, but they're two aspects of the same basic need I think... You have a place you can just go and live in, eat what you want, and hang out as you please... you can customize and personalize, but you lack some kind of identity it seems.”
“Yeah, I have influence, but limited,” I say.
“Whereas all I have is identity,” he concludes.
“I see your point. I lack a role more than an identity...”
“From what my brother told me,” Matt says, “It’s usually natural to feel alienated from your home for all of your 20s. and by the end of them you usually make your own... From what he tells me i just have to weather the storm and make sure I don’t break.”
“I want to make my own unique path, but since I'm making my own path, it leaves me with no role. I don't so much feel alienated from home, but from the world itself.”
“Meh,” He says, “Sounds like you need to go backpacking sometime :P Just leave with no car, parents, or plans...”
“Impossible unfortunately.”
“Bah lies!” He says.
“You remember that walking back from Delaware park I was so dizzy I could barely walk? Imagine that while carrying a back pack fully of necessities?”
He says, “The thing I think you may have too much is a plan. You plan a lot of things, make clear goals, and as we've already decided, goals can never be fully reached. It’s not the backpacking that I'm suggesting. It’s the lack of plans.”
“My plan seems to be constantly changing. And it drives me crazy that I have to constantly rework it,” I say.
“Yea, what if you had no plan, and just did something and then looked at what came out,” he suggests.
“I tried that,” I counter. “I played video games and isolated myself more than I ever have in my entire life for like five months.”
He laughs and says, “So you had no plan, and did nothing.”
“Yep.”
“Thats different from my suggestion,” he says, though I still don’t see how really. “I said have no plan and do something. As an artist you should have a great understanding of that concept.”
I shake my head, completely disagreeing, “You plan to finish college, don't you?”
He chuckles and answers, “My plans as far as that is concerned are interesting. I expect to, but I don't plan on it. Remember how I always refuse to say what I think I'll be doing in a year or so? I refuse to plan that far ahead.”
“I'm not sure how wise I think that is. That might be a small part of your stress is feeling like you have no destination. My lack of destination is often what makes me depressed,” I answer.
“I think there's a certain amount that you just have to play by ear. Things are always going to be happening and you as a person will change, so to plan so far ahead I think is a bad idea. I know that i'm getting somewhere because i'm walking (in the metaphoric sense). I think you need to just look around when you finally end up somewhere. I have a destination, I just didn't choose it yet. Since you can't see where your going in life if you try and plan your destination you're going to get lost.”
“All plans change,” I say matter-of-factly, “That's why you make back-up plans, and expect the worst. Anyway, I'm thinking more and more than I want to make an income mostly so that I can say I have one. And since I have no real pressure to get a job, it's giving me the freedom to MAKE my own income the way I want to do it. So I plan to spend at least 3hrs a day from now on doing something that is working towards a career of some sort. Mainly my board game, but I'm also going to finally do something with e-bay. Yep, plans. I don't do non-planning. Every time I tried it, I ended up depressed. Your theory works in theory, but for me, not in actuality. Like communism.”
Matt answers in detail, “You should never say you "don’t do" anything. That kind of antagonism against even trying is the source of all of the conservatism that you hate so much. You don’t want to follow the path of GW Bush do you? The ability to adapt and change is exactly what has brought the human race to where it is. That's the basis behind Darwinism. From what you've told me, you not planning is still associated unfairly with laziness.
“I "don't do" because I tried it and didn't like the results, it's called learning from your mistakes. In regards to laziness I consider not planning part of laziness in most people.”
“I still don't know how you can draw when you plan everything you do,” He continues. “Don't you ever just start drawing and see where it goes? You make decisions on what you want in your work based on how the picture has been coming together. The end result is a real piece of art isn’t it? If you planned out your works to the finest details or even to some of the more basic details like pose or clothes, the drawing would likely suck, since you would be trying to put to paper some ideal drawing from your own mind. I’m sure you know that no idea can be perfectly expressed.”
“Almost always when I don't plan a drawing first, it sucks. Most of the artworks of mine you scoffed at were things that I didn't plan,” I answer.
“Have I ever told you one of my favorite quotes?” He asks. The quote: “Irrespective of the authenticity of the message, what remains pertinent is the message itself, and to who it was addressed by virtue of the manner in which it was presented to those who are enlightened.”
I agree with the quote, but then, it’s not really related to the argument, so I didn’t comment on it. He elaborated on the meaning of the quote, “What all that needlessly wordy jargon says is, it doesn't matter what some originally intends or means, all that matters in the real world is what tangibly results from their expression. It doesn't matter what you plan, it matters what actually gets done and what happens. So why try and make your actions exactly match your dreams? When you could be creating dreams? No writer ever lives the lives of a character in their book, they live their lives, so why should you try and live the idealistic life that you have planned out for yourself when you very well realize that achieving it is impossible.”
I still don’t feel that the quote really supported his point, so I still didn’t remark on it.
“I know some of the things I’ve just said may contradict things I’ve said in the past,” he says, “But these are the views I currently hold and I find them to be wiser than before. So don't go telling me I’m contradicting myself here. I told you that I want to constantly reform and improve so here I am.”
“Of course nothing is ever perfect. Stop saying that as if I don't get that. I plan, but I don't expect my plans to actually go through. I think up ideal ways of doing things in my mind, adapting when those ideals fail is the difference between success and failure. Adapting is key, of course, but without the initial plans, things suck. You don't have to remind me that you want to constantly revise and reform your ideas, because so do I. You don't have to tell me that plans fall through and that adapting is necessary, because every plan I've ever made has fallen through, and then I adapted it, until it worked.”
“Yea, but you still plan regardless, that’s the point,” he says. “I dunno, I think success is just constant flux and adaptation.”
I sigh, getting annoyed, “For example, if I plan what I'm going to wear the night before, I take less time fretting in the morning. If I have to adapt for weather, so be it. (I'm referring to times when I have to get up and be somewhere in the morning.) It's almost like your saying ‘what happens, happens, so just don't try anything.’ I know that's not what you're saying, but that's how you're coming off.”
“No, what happens; happens so try everything and all the time.”
“My Dad likes to adventure,” I say, ignoring his completely impossible and illogical statement, “And to not plan. He plans to not plan everything. My Mom plans to plan everything down to the last detail. They both fail, because they're both too extreme. My mom makes five different back-up plans and wastes time that could be spent DOing, by planning and planning. My Dad misses out on doing all sorts of awesome things by not planning to make time to do them.
“My theory? Make a flexible plan that allows for lots of "free time" in between so that things can have time to pop up. How can you argue with that?”
“I think I’m biased because I know Chris and I’ve seen what he's capable of doing without any thought beforehand,” Matt says.
“Not everyone is capable of amazing things without forethought,” I say in complete exasperation.
“Only because they're caught in this system they create where things requires forethought.”
“One out of ten times when I do something unplanned it's brilliant, the other nine times it's worse than average,” I say, with examples flowing through my head like wild rabbits.
“If you free yourself from your own predispositions then you can be free,” he says.
“That's like saying ‘if you take all the world's expectations off your actions, then you'll be yourself.’ Duh. I'm not arguing that sometimes lack of planning brings brilliant things. I'm not arguing that adventuring is fun. I'm not saying everything should be planned down to the last detail. I'm saying that in my experience and from what people have shown me and said to me from their experience, things overall worked out better when there was some sort of plan involved.”
“They worked out satisfactorily im sure, but I aspire to brilliance, not quiet mediocrity.”
At this point, he’s clearly not seeing what I’m getting at. If I just start doodling on a piece of paper, nine out of ten times it’s trash, just complete trash. Not “satisfactory” at all. Unplanned days are average, or boring, or suck. Perhaps an “unplanned adventure” can be fun and brilliant, but you still have to plan to have the unplanned adventure in the first place. But clearly Matt isn’t getting this at all. I change tactic and say;
“Mary Kay Ash, for example, a woman who started a multi-million dollar business after she was fifty years old, wrote a book which I read. She said something that really stuck out to me. She said, come up with a goal, and then make up a road map to that goal. Constantly adjust your road map to get there and work everyday to get there. The alternative? Keep doing the same thing every day and never get the things you want out of life. But as I already said, nine out of ten times, unplanned things turn out to suck. For me anyway.”
“Have they worked?” he asks.
“Often not. Especially unplanned art.” In fact, I didn’t mention this to him, but often I plan when I’m going to draw, and if I’ll be using color or pencil. So what? I’ve created many more “successful” things while pressuring myself to do it at a certain time a certain way than I ever have by just throwing things on the paper whenever struck my fancy.
“Also, the people I’ve met in my life who've gotten what they were searching for in life were all, as you might guess, not famous, and generally very poor,” Matt says. “If you want to base your life philosophy off of the words of someone who achieved great economic success that is your choice, but I don’t know if that’s the path I would ever want to take.”
“I want a loving affectionate husband,” I say, feeling like a broken record, “Two to four children I can teach day in and day out, and enough money to live without financial stress. That's what will make me say ‘I've gotten what I've been searching for.’ Mary Kay Ash's book is a very good, very short book. I only read it because it was a gift and because it was short, but I ended up liking it. Just skip the two chapters about god and it's full of wonderful advice. In terms of personal happiness, I might have met one family in my lifetime that achieved a very high level of personally happiness. You met D at the ice cream shop. She's the mother of that family.”
“I think eventually I will get married and have a family,” Matt says, “I think I’ll end up being a professor or analyst somewhere, but I don't plan on any of those things. I take the classes in college that I enjoy, not that I think I’ll need. that’s why im not taking economics next semester and plan on learning arabic. I’m comforted by the fact that my classes are likely to eventually result in practical applications but I’m learning because I want to learn. I’ll see where I end up when I get there, in the meantime I’m just going.”
I sigh, “I get your point. Do I have to say ‘I get your point’ for you to get that I get your point? I'm not even saying that it won't work for you. I'm saying it won't work for me.”
“Why not though?”
I have a moment there where I want to throw my hands up in the air and be done with it. Have I not just explained five or six times why?
“I am making a board game. And if I don't plan to finish the thing, and if I don't plan to work on it each and every day, and push myself to work on it, then I won't do it. I've started project after project, and never finished any of them. I never finished a story, I never finished anything career wise. I've not gotten married yet. I barely finished high school in a sense. And I've not made it to college. In all of these cases, it was because my interests changed. My interests change and change and change and change, and if I don't plan to force myself to stick with certain things and how I'm going to stick with them, then I'll just keep reading the first chapter of every book in the world and never actually read a whole book in my entire life.
“It comes back to balance,” I continue. “You need a rough outline, or you're going to get lost. But if you have a detailed map, it's going to be a waste of time, because four steps later you'll need to change half of it.”
“If you aren't naturally motivated to do these things, then it sounds to me like they aren’t really what you want,” he says.
“Indeed. I want a family. But since I'm 19 and can't afford one, I have to force myself to want something else. I have to want money, and want to do something to make money, in order to be accepted and in order to pass the time until I can have a family. So I have to want to do something enough that I don't mind doing it day in and day out to make money off of it.”
“I dunno, I’m sure about that logic, I’m not sure if its dead wrong or maybe on the right track, but im not sure about it” he says.
“Neither am I in that particular case, but what else can I do? I can't get pregnant now. So I'm trying to settle my relationship into a marriage... But half the time that doesn't even look like it's working!”
“That’s what I’ve been pushing the whole time. I don’t question your choice in changing the priority away from family, I just question the new priorities.”
“And I have no back-up plan (yep, no plan, no plan, no plan.......) for what I'll do if things don't work out with him. Family is always 1st, aside from my health which is .01st. But since I can't do anything about that... I have to create a 2nd that works.”
And so that’s what I’m trying to do. The major problem right now is that I don’t feel like working on the board game at all, but if I don’t get back to it, then I’ll just be starting over again on doing something else, and this really might be the ticket. I’ve invested too much time, effort, money and thought to just give up on it, but at the same time, I’m so tired of working on it and not yet getting to play it!
And then I start doubting myself, about if it’s worth-it to keep working on it, if it’s worth the added cost and time it will take, if anyone will actually ever play with me, if I’ll ever receive any payoff other than having it sit on my shelf... Ext. The doubt is the worst...
I need a new book to read, I’m tired of thinking about my life.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Recently
Wednesday, September, 17th 2008 at 1:36pm
It recently occurred to me (by recently I mean last night) that Angel should be here very soon (by very soon I mean in a week) and that my room is a disaster (by disaster I mean that the floor needs moping, the sheets on the other futon need changing, many things need sorting, and this silly huge chair that Mary gave me forever ago needs to get out of my tiny apartment so I can stop tripping over it!) Talk about run-on sentences, eh?
So when Crusipher said, “I have some errands to run, I’ll be back in a bit,” and I said, “five minutes?” and he said “five-teen minutes” then I decided to start cleaning. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning and low and behold, he’s not back yet. That part wasn’t a surprise, but speaking of surprises, in this past hour I’ve set aside a surprise for Angel when she gets here, but I can’t mention what it is because she might read this entry.
I cleared off the other futon quite a bit, and decided to finally throw away my old pink coat that Tre bought me. It was a cheap coat, and now it’s old and dingy, and I wouldn’t wear it anyway, and there is no point trying to press and dingy old coat on someone else when they certainly wouldn’t want it, I mean, it’s barely even a warm coat. I still felt bad about tossing it out, but it’s taking up space and well, it’s dingy, so what else can be said for it?
I threw away some empty boxes as well. I have a habit of keeping boxes because you never know when you’re going to want to store something or carry something outside from all the way up here in the attic or when you might need it for some crafty purpose, but I have plenty of boxes now, and there is no need to keep all of them when I’m saving one box a month and using one every three months they start to add up. So I got rid of like four of the ones that I didn’t like so much. One because it was big, another because it was an ugly color, another one because it wasn’t very sturdy and another one just because it didn’t fit into the space I was trying to condense them into.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll work more with getting the floor clear so I can really scrub it clean. Recently (by recently I mean the last time I went grocery shopping with Crusipher which was on Sunday) I bought this organic all-purpose cleaner in the organic section and I’m going to use it on getting this floor really clean. Hopefully, being organic, it won’t smell terrible like pine sol does. I tried this blend I found on the internet which said to use something like 1/3 water, 1/3 vinegar, 1/3 lemon juice with a few spoon fulls of baking soda, and it was more helpful than let’s say, plain water, but something about it left the floor kinda sticky and I had to mop over it again with plain water, and it didn’t pick up any of the harder stuff. So this time I’m going to really get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor.
I want that silly chair out before I do it though. It’s covering like 4ft squared in floor space and addition blocking another three to four feet of floor space. Also I ought to fold up the table that this laptop is on right now before I do it since it’s covering about 3ft by 4ft as well and blocking another foot or two. Okay, could I write about anything more mundane and boring?
Crusipher still isn’t back yet, so I think I’ll start reading or something. I’m reading “Restoration,” currently which in the third book in a trilogy by Carol Berg. It happens to be her first series. I actually read all the books she wrote completely backwards. I read her last series, a two-part set first, which was just plain amazing, and then I went on and discovered a four-part series she wrote before that, and those were also amazing, then I read a single book she wrote just before that called the “Song of the Beast” which actually made me cry towards the end, and now I’m reading the last book of her first trilogy. All of them are very good, though I can see her growth clearly and it helps me see what to strive for.
Wednesday, September, 17th 2008 at 5:27pm
Just as I was beginning to build some trust in Crusipher’s word. Fifteen minutes? So far, it’s been five hours, and of course there is no call, who’d even bother expecting that? I seriously doubt he’s been no where with a phone. So much for any and all plans of enjoying my day with him, eh? I’m not sure what to do with myself now since I didn’t make plans to be by myself. Not that I need plans in order to do things, but you know, you get your mind-set ready when you go to sleep the night before and when you wake up for the things you’re going to be doing...
My mind-set is transferring from “keep busy while waiting for his return” to “now what do I do with myself?” and of course the nagging thoughts of “what is he doing?” and “is he okay?” and “why can’t he ever call me?” and “does he take this relationship seriously, or what?” and so forth...
I have accomplished a few things in his absence... Carlos and I finally carried that chair downstairs! Yeah! Mom and I cleared off the dining room table, and then Carlos and mom moved a bunch of dry-wall off the stair-well and then Carlos and I carried the chair down the two-flights of stairs and put in on top of the table. Hopefully Billy (Mary’s guy-friend) will do as he said he would, and take the thing the next time he is here.
Well, several times I have gone to read today, and none of those times have I actually gotten to the part where I read. So I think I shall lay down and try once again to do so.
Wednesday, September, 17th 2008 at 8:38pm
My forgiving and peaceful nature towards Crusipher’s disappearance has completely evaporated... Wait, is that him there now? Eight hours total, what coincidence he’d show at this moment.
It recently occurred to me (by recently I mean last night) that Angel should be here very soon (by very soon I mean in a week) and that my room is a disaster (by disaster I mean that the floor needs moping, the sheets on the other futon need changing, many things need sorting, and this silly huge chair that Mary gave me forever ago needs to get out of my tiny apartment so I can stop tripping over it!) Talk about run-on sentences, eh?
So when Crusipher said, “I have some errands to run, I’ll be back in a bit,” and I said, “five minutes?” and he said “five-teen minutes” then I decided to start cleaning. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning and low and behold, he’s not back yet. That part wasn’t a surprise, but speaking of surprises, in this past hour I’ve set aside a surprise for Angel when she gets here, but I can’t mention what it is because she might read this entry.
I cleared off the other futon quite a bit, and decided to finally throw away my old pink coat that Tre bought me. It was a cheap coat, and now it’s old and dingy, and I wouldn’t wear it anyway, and there is no point trying to press and dingy old coat on someone else when they certainly wouldn’t want it, I mean, it’s barely even a warm coat. I still felt bad about tossing it out, but it’s taking up space and well, it’s dingy, so what else can be said for it?
I threw away some empty boxes as well. I have a habit of keeping boxes because you never know when you’re going to want to store something or carry something outside from all the way up here in the attic or when you might need it for some crafty purpose, but I have plenty of boxes now, and there is no need to keep all of them when I’m saving one box a month and using one every three months they start to add up. So I got rid of like four of the ones that I didn’t like so much. One because it was big, another because it was an ugly color, another one because it wasn’t very sturdy and another one just because it didn’t fit into the space I was trying to condense them into.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll work more with getting the floor clear so I can really scrub it clean. Recently (by recently I mean the last time I went grocery shopping with Crusipher which was on Sunday) I bought this organic all-purpose cleaner in the organic section and I’m going to use it on getting this floor really clean. Hopefully, being organic, it won’t smell terrible like pine sol does. I tried this blend I found on the internet which said to use something like 1/3 water, 1/3 vinegar, 1/3 lemon juice with a few spoon fulls of baking soda, and it was more helpful than let’s say, plain water, but something about it left the floor kinda sticky and I had to mop over it again with plain water, and it didn’t pick up any of the harder stuff. So this time I’m going to really get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor.
I want that silly chair out before I do it though. It’s covering like 4ft squared in floor space and addition blocking another three to four feet of floor space. Also I ought to fold up the table that this laptop is on right now before I do it since it’s covering about 3ft by 4ft as well and blocking another foot or two. Okay, could I write about anything more mundane and boring?
Crusipher still isn’t back yet, so I think I’ll start reading or something. I’m reading “Restoration,” currently which in the third book in a trilogy by Carol Berg. It happens to be her first series. I actually read all the books she wrote completely backwards. I read her last series, a two-part set first, which was just plain amazing, and then I went on and discovered a four-part series she wrote before that, and those were also amazing, then I read a single book she wrote just before that called the “Song of the Beast” which actually made me cry towards the end, and now I’m reading the last book of her first trilogy. All of them are very good, though I can see her growth clearly and it helps me see what to strive for.
Wednesday, September, 17th 2008 at 5:27pm
Just as I was beginning to build some trust in Crusipher’s word. Fifteen minutes? So far, it’s been five hours, and of course there is no call, who’d even bother expecting that? I seriously doubt he’s been no where with a phone. So much for any and all plans of enjoying my day with him, eh? I’m not sure what to do with myself now since I didn’t make plans to be by myself. Not that I need plans in order to do things, but you know, you get your mind-set ready when you go to sleep the night before and when you wake up for the things you’re going to be doing...
My mind-set is transferring from “keep busy while waiting for his return” to “now what do I do with myself?” and of course the nagging thoughts of “what is he doing?” and “is he okay?” and “why can’t he ever call me?” and “does he take this relationship seriously, or what?” and so forth...
I have accomplished a few things in his absence... Carlos and I finally carried that chair downstairs! Yeah! Mom and I cleared off the dining room table, and then Carlos and mom moved a bunch of dry-wall off the stair-well and then Carlos and I carried the chair down the two-flights of stairs and put in on top of the table. Hopefully Billy (Mary’s guy-friend) will do as he said he would, and take the thing the next time he is here.
Well, several times I have gone to read today, and none of those times have I actually gotten to the part where I read. So I think I shall lay down and try once again to do so.
Wednesday, September, 17th 2008 at 8:38pm
My forgiving and peaceful nature towards Crusipher’s disappearance has completely evaporated... Wait, is that him there now? Eight hours total, what coincidence he’d show at this moment.
Driving? Plague? Death? Oh, same difference.
Tuesday, September, 16th 2008 at 6:36pm
I’ve mentioned this before, but it seems I can’t help but mention it again... I hate driving. Today is the second day in a row driving to pick up my Dad from work (with my mom in the passenger’s seat always giving directions and comments.) I don’t sigh in relief when the car is parked again, but rather I timidly slither back into my room not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like driving is a torture I must endure to survive, and one that I’ll never get over and that will change me irreparably... In what way it will change me, I can’t be certain.
People say driving makes them feel free, or powerful, or relaxed, or happy... I feel the opposite of all of those things; constrained, weak, tense, miserable and many other unpleasant things, mostly in a constant state of fear. My heart literally skips a beat when I hear car horns, when I see a biker, when a person opens their car door, when I drive over a twig and other such Motters.
More disturbing than that however is when my subconscious starts driving for me. Strange, but this is making me get all emotional, and I have no idea why. I just hate that moment so much, where I suddenly realize I was driving unconsciously, and I can’t help but wonder if I was going to stop for the next red light, or for the next stop sign or before I hit the car in front of me. Was I going to continue to drive straight? The moment I come back to conscious driving is the worst moment of all because I can never remember if my foot is on the break or the gas and thus I have to gently press on which ever one it’s one to figure it out causing what feels like an earthshattering jerk towards being stopped or going faster.
I’m still trembling. I feel like it’s so wretchedly unfair I should have to do something I find so terrifying. Should I be thankful because I’m not in a society that’s sending me off to war? Should I be thankful that I’m not farming a field? Well, since I’m a woman, I wouldn’t be doing those things, I’d be doing just what I want to be doing, reading to my children, tending my house, cooking and taking care of my husband. Since this is modern America, I’m doomed to driving, paperwork and either a career or college or something else even more terrifying...
I’d like to be in college. Wouldn’t mind that really. I would mind a loan sitting over my head, just waiting for me to start paying $500 dollars a month back on it for the rest of my life. I would mind that a lot. The last thing I need is debt. So far, I have no debt, and I’d like to keep it that way for the rest of my life. I think the scariest things I can imagine are debt, driving, and being a single mom working for sustenance to feed myself and my children. (Aside from ridiculous things, like giant spiders.)
Who knew I’d be so timid? I talk up a fiery storm when I feel something is important, but what am I going to back it up with? A tumult of child-sized soft little fists? I’d be better off trying to hide my pale self or running on the slowest pair of grown woman’s legs you could have. (Within reasonable size, I’m not overweight or old, just weak.)
And so the argument rages on; I’m a beautiful young woman. What’s that Motter? I’m able to understand abstract concepts. And the fat lot of good that’s ever done me. I’m a fairly good artist and writer. And nobody cares if I don’t employ myself with that, and drive to work or take a bus (amongst thieves and other such people I’d care to avoid.)
I’ve been told a number of times that most people aren’t thieves, and that I just have bad luck with people, but I don’t believe I have bad luck. I may have bad karma, but if that were the case, then I could have been born a lot worse off. A poor immune system must be only a mild case of mildly bad karma, right? Even that rings false, I know I’m given the challenges that I’m given to learn from them, not in payment for anything I’ve ever done. Spiritual stuff is a sore topic for me right now, I don’t know why I brought that up when I feel like this.
Taking buses isn’t any more safe than driving. Riding my bike isn’t quite as terrifying, though that is probably a biased judgement of it’s safely based on familiarity... I’ve forgotten whatever I was getting at. I think I was just venting the trembling from driving. I’m so glad tomorrow is Wednesday and that I’ll be spending it with Crusipher and not driving. Hopefully nothing gets in the way of that... Last week he didn’t get home until 8:00pm on Wednesday even though he said he only had to go in for a little while...
Well, I’m no longer trembling, I just feel like shit. Driving takes me so far out of my comfort zone that I don’t know how to get back into it. Nothing feels right and nothing sounds like fun. And the worst part is there is no way around it. Driving test in less than two weeks, and it’s best if I just pass it and get it over with.
Tuesday, September, 16th 2008 at 8:09pm
I just spent the last half hour helping my mom from a standing position to a seated position. She’s having a terribly fierce leg cramp in the same location as the hip replacement. I study what happenings go on with my mother and I mark the similarities in my own life and I know well exactly how able and how not able I will be depending on what I do as I age. It’s important for me to develop organized habits, an even temper, and to above all, take care of my health, which first and foremost means staying far-far away from sugar.
I’ve mentioned this before, but it seems I can’t help but mention it again... I hate driving. Today is the second day in a row driving to pick up my Dad from work (with my mom in the passenger’s seat always giving directions and comments.) I don’t sigh in relief when the car is parked again, but rather I timidly slither back into my room not knowing what to do with myself. I feel like driving is a torture I must endure to survive, and one that I’ll never get over and that will change me irreparably... In what way it will change me, I can’t be certain.
People say driving makes them feel free, or powerful, or relaxed, or happy... I feel the opposite of all of those things; constrained, weak, tense, miserable and many other unpleasant things, mostly in a constant state of fear. My heart literally skips a beat when I hear car horns, when I see a biker, when a person opens their car door, when I drive over a twig and other such Motters.
More disturbing than that however is when my subconscious starts driving for me. Strange, but this is making me get all emotional, and I have no idea why. I just hate that moment so much, where I suddenly realize I was driving unconsciously, and I can’t help but wonder if I was going to stop for the next red light, or for the next stop sign or before I hit the car in front of me. Was I going to continue to drive straight? The moment I come back to conscious driving is the worst moment of all because I can never remember if my foot is on the break or the gas and thus I have to gently press on which ever one it’s one to figure it out causing what feels like an earthshattering jerk towards being stopped or going faster.
I’m still trembling. I feel like it’s so wretchedly unfair I should have to do something I find so terrifying. Should I be thankful because I’m not in a society that’s sending me off to war? Should I be thankful that I’m not farming a field? Well, since I’m a woman, I wouldn’t be doing those things, I’d be doing just what I want to be doing, reading to my children, tending my house, cooking and taking care of my husband. Since this is modern America, I’m doomed to driving, paperwork and either a career or college or something else even more terrifying...
I’d like to be in college. Wouldn’t mind that really. I would mind a loan sitting over my head, just waiting for me to start paying $500 dollars a month back on it for the rest of my life. I would mind that a lot. The last thing I need is debt. So far, I have no debt, and I’d like to keep it that way for the rest of my life. I think the scariest things I can imagine are debt, driving, and being a single mom working for sustenance to feed myself and my children. (Aside from ridiculous things, like giant spiders.)
Who knew I’d be so timid? I talk up a fiery storm when I feel something is important, but what am I going to back it up with? A tumult of child-sized soft little fists? I’d be better off trying to hide my pale self or running on the slowest pair of grown woman’s legs you could have. (Within reasonable size, I’m not overweight or old, just weak.)
And so the argument rages on; I’m a beautiful young woman. What’s that Motter? I’m able to understand abstract concepts. And the fat lot of good that’s ever done me. I’m a fairly good artist and writer. And nobody cares if I don’t employ myself with that, and drive to work or take a bus (amongst thieves and other such people I’d care to avoid.)
I’ve been told a number of times that most people aren’t thieves, and that I just have bad luck with people, but I don’t believe I have bad luck. I may have bad karma, but if that were the case, then I could have been born a lot worse off. A poor immune system must be only a mild case of mildly bad karma, right? Even that rings false, I know I’m given the challenges that I’m given to learn from them, not in payment for anything I’ve ever done. Spiritual stuff is a sore topic for me right now, I don’t know why I brought that up when I feel like this.
Taking buses isn’t any more safe than driving. Riding my bike isn’t quite as terrifying, though that is probably a biased judgement of it’s safely based on familiarity... I’ve forgotten whatever I was getting at. I think I was just venting the trembling from driving. I’m so glad tomorrow is Wednesday and that I’ll be spending it with Crusipher and not driving. Hopefully nothing gets in the way of that... Last week he didn’t get home until 8:00pm on Wednesday even though he said he only had to go in for a little while...
Well, I’m no longer trembling, I just feel like shit. Driving takes me so far out of my comfort zone that I don’t know how to get back into it. Nothing feels right and nothing sounds like fun. And the worst part is there is no way around it. Driving test in less than two weeks, and it’s best if I just pass it and get it over with.
Tuesday, September, 16th 2008 at 8:09pm
I just spent the last half hour helping my mom from a standing position to a seated position. She’s having a terribly fierce leg cramp in the same location as the hip replacement. I study what happenings go on with my mother and I mark the similarities in my own life and I know well exactly how able and how not able I will be depending on what I do as I age. It’s important for me to develop organized habits, an even temper, and to above all, take care of my health, which first and foremost means staying far-far away from sugar.
Unhappy Camper
Thursday, September, 11th 2008 at 4:20pm
Interesting. It’s September 11th at 4:20pm. Being a pot head for two years of my life makes it impossible not to notice when it’s four-twenty. Odder still that I didn’t notice it was September 11th until just now...
In my dream a boy told me “happy birthday” and I said, “It is my birthday, isn’t it? I had forgotten.” He said, “the thirty-first, right?” And I said, “No, I must have forgotten it entirely and missed it then, it was yesterday.” The boy looked down and then I said, “wait, it’s July, not January, I didn’t miss it at all. You tricked me!” At that point in the dream I was in some sort of class room.
In another part of the dream I was helping a friend get away with murder, which is highly disturbing, but for some reason, in the dream, it seemed pretty normal. In fact, it was so normal in the dream that it wasn’t even scary. I was helping by taking a cooler filled with body parts somewhere where it wouldn’t be found.
I woke up and realized to my horror that I hid it with my mom’s things which would have meant that if it was discovered the case would turn right to my mom, and if not accuse her, then it would accuse me. In the dream, none of that occurred to me.
Today is this month’s psychic meet-up. It seems like just last week was last month’s meet-up. Time just moves faster and faster. I wonder what the passing of a year is like for my mother. Especially when x-mas stuff hangs around for months after x-mas. *sigh*
I guess I don’t have as much to write about as I thought I did. I’m all anxious because I don’t know what to do with myself in the intervening time between now, and 6:20pm when we’re leaving. I suppose I should go practice hiragana some more. (Japanese writing symbols.)
Friday, September, 12th 2008 at 10:09pm
Mott,
As tempted as it may be to argue certain points to death and to bring up point after point on certain topics of recent debate, I've concluded that it's as fruitless as berry picking on a glacier and also as frustrating. I'm very passionate about my beliefs, and for one reason only, because I chose to believe them. And I don't choose to believe anything lightly. On the contrary, when I hear a bit of information I take in all the relevant knowledge I have on that topic, and if I don’t know anything to contradict that information, and I can’t think of a logical reason why the bit of information wouldn’t be true, then I believe it, unless of course the source has been known to be faulty.
It seems to me like people have this silly notion that because you have a degree, or because you are of a certain age, or because you have a certain job, that everything you say has so much more worth than someone without these things. The root source of information, say a scientist, didn’t give his discoveries exclusively to graduates, doctors and old people. He gave his discovery to whom ever paid to have those discoveries happen, and they give out this information in which ever way it is most profitable to them. It may come in a magazine or a college book, but either way, it’s going to spread by word of mouth, and by internet and by all forms of communication if it’s worth hearing.
Now, given, some things float around that are completely false. In fact, tons of things float around that are completely false, but I refuse to say anything is not true just because someone says that it’s “bullshit.” People say it’s bullshit that we landed on the moon. How about I say it’s bullshit that the earth is round, because after all, images can be manipulated, and I could be in a contained facility, where everyone is lying to me, and of course I could have some perception that deludes me into thinking the would could ever be round and it’s all really a big joke, right? And well, that’s bullshit! Declaring something bullshit doesn’t do any justice to your IQ.
There is just as much evidence for UFOs as there is for anything else that we commonly believe, and not that I’m saying these UFOs have aliens in them, and not that I’m saying the government is hiding aliens or having a conspiracy or anything else that might just make me sound a tad bit insane, but the point is, I am my own judge. I am the judge of what I believe. I don’t care if doctor told me something or a homeless man told me something, if it doesn’t make sense, then it doesn’t make sense, so therefor, how can I let myself believe it? If I can argue against something with any sort of conviction, then how can I believe it? And on the other side of this same coin, how can I stop believing in something without a much better argument to counter the one I have for believing in it.
Out of everything you’ve ever said to me, I’ve only found one major flaw, and that is your insistence on being so close-minded about anything that can’t be proven in some certified lab. I don’t give a damn if a pre-schooler in China preformed an experiment or if some professor in Europe who is certified preformed the experiment, and I don’t give a damn what society thinks of either of the results. I’ll judge both results and experiments with equal deference and respect. You however, based on everything you’ve said to me in the past, would disregard the preschooler’s work because he is a preschooler.
Do you like being disregarded because of your sex, age, race, location or background? Do you like being called less intelligent because your experiences lead you to believe something different than others? I think it’s stupid when people ignore there experiences and what they ought to know and go in favor of something completely different because of their religion, or because of something some certified person told them.
Now wouldn’t I be a fool to not believe in the things I believe in because no lab experiment can prove it true? Wouldn’t I be an idiot to disregard my own experiences because someone said bullshit? Wouldn’t that lower my IQ? Why don’t we just go own believing the world is flat. Why don’t we go on believing the moon is made of cheese. We take these things as false because school books tell us so. But have you ever tried to eat a bit of the moon? Have you tasted it and determined it wasn’t cheese? Well, since you haven’t, why not believe that it’s cheese? Seriously, that’s what your arguments sound like to me. It sounds to me like you are trying to tell me that without proof it’s not true.
I say innocent until proven guilty. True, until you can give me a more truthful truth. False only when a better truth is here to replace it. It’s not untrue just because you can’t prove that it’s true. That’s just silly. And of course, it doesn’t work the other way either, it’s not true just because you can’t prove it false, but if you can’t prove it false and it sounds logical to me, then I’m going to go on believing it. The funny thing is, when you believe in something you find things in your day to day life all the time that confirm your believes, or you find things that don’t confirm them. When you don’t believe in those things, then you don’t see the mild hints that point one way or another, so I’d really rather keep my gullible system of believing things because it leads me to more truth by trial and error than sitting around waiting for things to be proven.
I’m not sure if I’ve written this in such a way where you can tell my sarcasm from my sincere remarks, but needless to say, I will never argue with you about certain Motters again. If you lure me into arguing about it, you’ll find me a very unhappy camper.
Interesting. It’s September 11th at 4:20pm. Being a pot head for two years of my life makes it impossible not to notice when it’s four-twenty. Odder still that I didn’t notice it was September 11th until just now...
In my dream a boy told me “happy birthday” and I said, “It is my birthday, isn’t it? I had forgotten.” He said, “the thirty-first, right?” And I said, “No, I must have forgotten it entirely and missed it then, it was yesterday.” The boy looked down and then I said, “wait, it’s July, not January, I didn’t miss it at all. You tricked me!” At that point in the dream I was in some sort of class room.
In another part of the dream I was helping a friend get away with murder, which is highly disturbing, but for some reason, in the dream, it seemed pretty normal. In fact, it was so normal in the dream that it wasn’t even scary. I was helping by taking a cooler filled with body parts somewhere where it wouldn’t be found.
I woke up and realized to my horror that I hid it with my mom’s things which would have meant that if it was discovered the case would turn right to my mom, and if not accuse her, then it would accuse me. In the dream, none of that occurred to me.
Today is this month’s psychic meet-up. It seems like just last week was last month’s meet-up. Time just moves faster and faster. I wonder what the passing of a year is like for my mother. Especially when x-mas stuff hangs around for months after x-mas. *sigh*
I guess I don’t have as much to write about as I thought I did. I’m all anxious because I don’t know what to do with myself in the intervening time between now, and 6:20pm when we’re leaving. I suppose I should go practice hiragana some more. (Japanese writing symbols.)
Friday, September, 12th 2008 at 10:09pm
Mott,
As tempted as it may be to argue certain points to death and to bring up point after point on certain topics of recent debate, I've concluded that it's as fruitless as berry picking on a glacier and also as frustrating. I'm very passionate about my beliefs, and for one reason only, because I chose to believe them. And I don't choose to believe anything lightly. On the contrary, when I hear a bit of information I take in all the relevant knowledge I have on that topic, and if I don’t know anything to contradict that information, and I can’t think of a logical reason why the bit of information wouldn’t be true, then I believe it, unless of course the source has been known to be faulty.
It seems to me like people have this silly notion that because you have a degree, or because you are of a certain age, or because you have a certain job, that everything you say has so much more worth than someone without these things. The root source of information, say a scientist, didn’t give his discoveries exclusively to graduates, doctors and old people. He gave his discovery to whom ever paid to have those discoveries happen, and they give out this information in which ever way it is most profitable to them. It may come in a magazine or a college book, but either way, it’s going to spread by word of mouth, and by internet and by all forms of communication if it’s worth hearing.
Now, given, some things float around that are completely false. In fact, tons of things float around that are completely false, but I refuse to say anything is not true just because someone says that it’s “bullshit.” People say it’s bullshit that we landed on the moon. How about I say it’s bullshit that the earth is round, because after all, images can be manipulated, and I could be in a contained facility, where everyone is lying to me, and of course I could have some perception that deludes me into thinking the would could ever be round and it’s all really a big joke, right? And well, that’s bullshit! Declaring something bullshit doesn’t do any justice to your IQ.
There is just as much evidence for UFOs as there is for anything else that we commonly believe, and not that I’m saying these UFOs have aliens in them, and not that I’m saying the government is hiding aliens or having a conspiracy or anything else that might just make me sound a tad bit insane, but the point is, I am my own judge. I am the judge of what I believe. I don’t care if doctor told me something or a homeless man told me something, if it doesn’t make sense, then it doesn’t make sense, so therefor, how can I let myself believe it? If I can argue against something with any sort of conviction, then how can I believe it? And on the other side of this same coin, how can I stop believing in something without a much better argument to counter the one I have for believing in it.
Out of everything you’ve ever said to me, I’ve only found one major flaw, and that is your insistence on being so close-minded about anything that can’t be proven in some certified lab. I don’t give a damn if a pre-schooler in China preformed an experiment or if some professor in Europe who is certified preformed the experiment, and I don’t give a damn what society thinks of either of the results. I’ll judge both results and experiments with equal deference and respect. You however, based on everything you’ve said to me in the past, would disregard the preschooler’s work because he is a preschooler.
Do you like being disregarded because of your sex, age, race, location or background? Do you like being called less intelligent because your experiences lead you to believe something different than others? I think it’s stupid when people ignore there experiences and what they ought to know and go in favor of something completely different because of their religion, or because of something some certified person told them.
Now wouldn’t I be a fool to not believe in the things I believe in because no lab experiment can prove it true? Wouldn’t I be an idiot to disregard my own experiences because someone said bullshit? Wouldn’t that lower my IQ? Why don’t we just go own believing the world is flat. Why don’t we go on believing the moon is made of cheese. We take these things as false because school books tell us so. But have you ever tried to eat a bit of the moon? Have you tasted it and determined it wasn’t cheese? Well, since you haven’t, why not believe that it’s cheese? Seriously, that’s what your arguments sound like to me. It sounds to me like you are trying to tell me that without proof it’s not true.
I say innocent until proven guilty. True, until you can give me a more truthful truth. False only when a better truth is here to replace it. It’s not untrue just because you can’t prove that it’s true. That’s just silly. And of course, it doesn’t work the other way either, it’s not true just because you can’t prove it false, but if you can’t prove it false and it sounds logical to me, then I’m going to go on believing it. The funny thing is, when you believe in something you find things in your day to day life all the time that confirm your believes, or you find things that don’t confirm them. When you don’t believe in those things, then you don’t see the mild hints that point one way or another, so I’d really rather keep my gullible system of believing things because it leads me to more truth by trial and error than sitting around waiting for things to be proven.
I’m not sure if I’ve written this in such a way where you can tell my sarcasm from my sincere remarks, but needless to say, I will never argue with you about certain Motters again. If you lure me into arguing about it, you’ll find me a very unhappy camper.
Making My Game
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 1:01am
Tomorrow (technically today) Crusipher has off work. There is a sale at Hyatt’s art store, but we’re not going because we’re trying to save up for bigger things right now, which is logical, though I do regret not having the luxury of going there and spending oodles of money. It’s slow season for tattoos in September, so there won’t be much to go around for a while. My mom took me to Hyatt’s today because she was interested in the sale as well, and she bought a bunch of paints. I spent my last dollars on some replacement markers, making my wallet more empty than it’s been in months, maybe in over a year. My mom helped me pay for my total charge, which was well appreciated.
I’ve made some more progress on the recreation of the board game cards... Boy is that a nasty task. I’ve done 200 cards so far... Of the total 2000 that need doing. I can’t believe I spent so many months on making those cards only to discover that the resolution was too low for print. It’s a very hard lesson, and one I won’t forget. Like the time I had only one copy of a file for a story I was working on. It was around 50 typed pages and I was eleven at the time. I accidently saved over it and that was that, months gone. I’ve not made the same mistake since. Like the time I forgot to bring mom’s stocking to x-mas at Aunt Martha’s house. I cried. I had worked so hard on collecting up things for it, I was no older than thirteen at the time, more likely twelve or eleven at that time. I never forgot that again either, that’s for sure.
Well, that was rambling... The internet is out again, that’s dandy. I think I’ll play Final Fantasy XII some more now.
I get so lonely so easily. Over years I’ve learned how to distract myself. I’ve learned that complete solitude feels better than partial solitude. In other words, being completely alone is easier to handle than being half-way engaged in activities with other people. Unfortunately people for the most part are always half-way engaging unless you’re dating them. That’s why I like board games I suppose. It’s fully engaging, keeps my mind focused.
I have way too much doubt, and that is something you don’t know about me. I talk bravely to cover all the doubt I feel on the inside. The things I believe in are nothing more than the most logical things I’ve ever read or been told, and they can go up in flames with one good argument against them. I have no faith in anything whatsoever, and hardly any hope. I believe in the world continuing to do as it has done, and I believe in myself continuing to grasp for understanding and constantly failing, constantly being as naive as slow as I’ve ever been. Those are two things I believe in that won’t be shattered very easily because there can’t be a counterpoint without changing my entire known world.
When it comes to what to do, what is good for me and what is not... I have mountains of doubt. There are some certainties, but they are few. One certainty is that being sick and unhealthy and overweight is completely miserable and unacceptable and doing what it takes to be otherwise is worth whatever it takes.
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 3:00pm
Polymancer Studios,
(As a side note before I begin, your e-mail is not only protected from spambots, but from humans as well. When I right clicked and selected "copy e-mail' I got a long code that in it said "this e-mail is protected from spambots." I thought that was pretty funny, so I just copied your e-mail manually from your paper-hand-out thingy that I got from the FanExpo in Toronto instead, lol.)
My name is Atara Phoenix. My boyfriend and I make-up a tiny business called Phoenix's Muse Creations, where I'm Phoenix and he is Muse. Muse is a tattoo artist here in Buffalo, NY and does very amazing pencil work and dabbles in digital work as well. I fancy myself a designer of all types. Any design at all – clothing, buildings, recipes, video games, board games, and pretty much anything – I feel like I have something to add to it. However, it’s unpractical to pursue all of those interests, so I’ve narrowed down my focus to making a board game. I thought the process would go very quickly because my ideas come to me like water in a thunder storm... Alas, the design process was much faster than the creation process.
I’ve had a number of hold ups, the main one being making the cards for the game. This may sound completely insane, but the game requires about 2500 cards, and around 1600 of them are unique content and about 40 unique card designs including the backs and fronts of the cards. I had finished 2000 of these cards minus proof-reading them, and submitted one to a printing company to ask about prices and sizing and all of that good stuff, and they replied simply “increase resolution or your card will be blurry.” I almost quit then and there, because this meant that all the cards needed to be made in a new resolution, all 2000 of them, which meant new designs, new files, new everything.
It’s been almost a year now since I first got the idea for my board game, but now that I’ve invested at least six months of that year into working on it day after day, I’m certainly not giving up on it. The game can be played between two to six players, and requires a large game board, 2500 cards, and 372 pieces. This sounds insane when I lay it out this way, but my main problem with board games is the lack of expansiveness. One sit-through of this game should take several hours, which is what me and my hard-core gamer friends like.
I’m expecting this game to be appealing to people who like Warhammer, hex-based games, and anybody who plays Civilization the computer game. I’d say my design pulls elements from Conquest (board game), Final Fantasy (computer game), Civilization (computer game), Risk (board game), Settlers of Catan (board game), and perhaps just a hint of Dungeons and Dragons. Needless to say, I’m confident in it being marketable.
All of that aside, here is where you guys come in. I need a first-print of the cards (I’m painting little wooden pieces for the first draft of the pieces) so that I can test the game out throughly and make final changes. I also need the board itself made which is probably the more tricky aspect. I’m interested in the price range for 2500 glossy full-color cards sized at 2.5in wide by 3.75in tall and a full-color game board (will probably three folds, possibly four) that would be about... 5.5ft by 4.5ft. The board size is just an approximation since I don’t have a final sizing on the aspects of the board yet.
Please write back with all comments and thoughts and with a price range for the board and cards if possible as your leisure.
-Atara
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 4:36pm
Angel writes me:
YES we are actually going to meet!! It’s so exciting, eh? I cannot wait.
Hmm, well he and I are just friends and I’m over him. Sometimes I reflect back on it but still I feel apathetic towards him and the situation… anyway, that’s all gone and I really enjoy being the girl nobody can have =]] I’ve been thinking of how when I was younger, I always wanted to be an independent girl. I wanted to be the one girl who didn’t need to depend on anyone (especially a guy) for happiness. On some level I do create my own happiness but others do play a large role in my blissfulness too. It sort of balances out I suppose. I find it hard to really depend on anyone these days which is probably the main reason why I try not to. I’m not very reliable myself and I admit that but I do try and to me trying is the best thing anyone can do. Trying is what builds strength ….at least in my eyes.
Anyway, in one of your entries, I noticed that you mentioned your father lecturing you about college. I also recall in one of your entries from years ago (or perhaps it was last year) how you noted that both of your parents were smart but yet their intelligence didn’t get them anywhere and you blamed it all on society’s ways. Hmm, I see a lot of smart people graduate but none of them really put forth the effort in the goals they once had. After high school, they usually drink their life away or get caught-up in drugs… My point is maybe your father doesn’t want you to be in the same situation he found himself in. Do you know what I mean?
Now, I’m definitely not going to preach to you about how education is important (though I believe it’s the key to a whole new life). I respect your morals and your decision. I know you want to be a housewife and that’s where we’re different (We’re probably a whole lot different but this one probably separates us most) you like to do whatever Crusipher wants you to do. If he wants you to cook, clean, or do whatever else, you’re willing to do it for him because you love him. You just want him to be happy and of course you want yourself to be happy. That’s not a bad thing but in this new world that we find ourselves in today, talk about it as if it’s a bad thing, right? Everyone is so built-up on education and all that…. academic skills are vital but most people don’t have the confidence or the willpower to actually go through with their life plans. I keep straggling off but what I’m trying to say is you are dependent and don’t mind whereas I strive to be independent (though I’m not that independent considering the fact that my parents are super duper overprotective!) :]
I write back:
You know, that's a very good analysis. Few people can accurately say what pleases me and why it pleases me. And beyond that, you even pointed out one of the best reasons to not go to college. So many people go, and then do nothing with it. What a waste of money and time if you don't do anything with it! My parents have no college friends that they still hang out with. My parents don't have jobs that relate to their college experience. The things they learned in college aren't the things they use most often in their day to day lives, and this just doesn't apply to them, but to many, many people. I've even heard people say that college helped them mostly to learn what they didn't want to do, and not what they did want to do. I won't go to college without life-goals in mind, and that is that. I also won't go to college without intending to set aside my life for the entire time I'm in college and spend all my time learning and memorizing information. And I also refuse to take out a ridiculously large loan that I'll spend my life paying off. Without those three elements, it's just a waste, don't you think?
Do you still have the list I sent you off stuff you should bring?
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 8:37pm
I don't deny that I'm paranoid, tater. And I may be coming up with excuses because I want a baby so badly, and my mom's experience may differ from mine. However, I've had way too many health problems to not be paranoid. Mono four times. Chicken pocks twice. Remadic fever as a baby. Constant constipation. Harsh cramps. At least two yeast infections each year since I was eleven. At least one episode of strep throat for every year I've lived. Unexplained fevers. Colds that doctors couldn't identify. Severe headaches as a child. Chronic tiredness that didn't stop until I was fifteen. And I'm sure I'm missing at least ten more items that should be on this list. I have every reason to believe I will scream in horror as I give birth and that having a baby late in life would be a bad idea.
Tomorrow (technically today) Crusipher has off work. There is a sale at Hyatt’s art store, but we’re not going because we’re trying to save up for bigger things right now, which is logical, though I do regret not having the luxury of going there and spending oodles of money. It’s slow season for tattoos in September, so there won’t be much to go around for a while. My mom took me to Hyatt’s today because she was interested in the sale as well, and she bought a bunch of paints. I spent my last dollars on some replacement markers, making my wallet more empty than it’s been in months, maybe in over a year. My mom helped me pay for my total charge, which was well appreciated.
I’ve made some more progress on the recreation of the board game cards... Boy is that a nasty task. I’ve done 200 cards so far... Of the total 2000 that need doing. I can’t believe I spent so many months on making those cards only to discover that the resolution was too low for print. It’s a very hard lesson, and one I won’t forget. Like the time I had only one copy of a file for a story I was working on. It was around 50 typed pages and I was eleven at the time. I accidently saved over it and that was that, months gone. I’ve not made the same mistake since. Like the time I forgot to bring mom’s stocking to x-mas at Aunt Martha’s house. I cried. I had worked so hard on collecting up things for it, I was no older than thirteen at the time, more likely twelve or eleven at that time. I never forgot that again either, that’s for sure.
Well, that was rambling... The internet is out again, that’s dandy. I think I’ll play Final Fantasy XII some more now.
I get so lonely so easily. Over years I’ve learned how to distract myself. I’ve learned that complete solitude feels better than partial solitude. In other words, being completely alone is easier to handle than being half-way engaged in activities with other people. Unfortunately people for the most part are always half-way engaging unless you’re dating them. That’s why I like board games I suppose. It’s fully engaging, keeps my mind focused.
I have way too much doubt, and that is something you don’t know about me. I talk bravely to cover all the doubt I feel on the inside. The things I believe in are nothing more than the most logical things I’ve ever read or been told, and they can go up in flames with one good argument against them. I have no faith in anything whatsoever, and hardly any hope. I believe in the world continuing to do as it has done, and I believe in myself continuing to grasp for understanding and constantly failing, constantly being as naive as slow as I’ve ever been. Those are two things I believe in that won’t be shattered very easily because there can’t be a counterpoint without changing my entire known world.
When it comes to what to do, what is good for me and what is not... I have mountains of doubt. There are some certainties, but they are few. One certainty is that being sick and unhealthy and overweight is completely miserable and unacceptable and doing what it takes to be otherwise is worth whatever it takes.
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 3:00pm
Polymancer Studios,
(As a side note before I begin, your e-mail is not only protected from spambots, but from humans as well. When I right clicked and selected "copy e-mail' I got a long code that in it said "this e-mail is protected from spambots." I thought that was pretty funny, so I just copied your e-mail manually from your paper-hand-out thingy that I got from the FanExpo in Toronto instead, lol.)
My name is Atara Phoenix. My boyfriend and I make-up a tiny business called Phoenix's Muse Creations, where I'm Phoenix and he is Muse. Muse is a tattoo artist here in Buffalo, NY and does very amazing pencil work and dabbles in digital work as well. I fancy myself a designer of all types. Any design at all – clothing, buildings, recipes, video games, board games, and pretty much anything – I feel like I have something to add to it. However, it’s unpractical to pursue all of those interests, so I’ve narrowed down my focus to making a board game. I thought the process would go very quickly because my ideas come to me like water in a thunder storm... Alas, the design process was much faster than the creation process.
I’ve had a number of hold ups, the main one being making the cards for the game. This may sound completely insane, but the game requires about 2500 cards, and around 1600 of them are unique content and about 40 unique card designs including the backs and fronts of the cards. I had finished 2000 of these cards minus proof-reading them, and submitted one to a printing company to ask about prices and sizing and all of that good stuff, and they replied simply “increase resolution or your card will be blurry.” I almost quit then and there, because this meant that all the cards needed to be made in a new resolution, all 2000 of them, which meant new designs, new files, new everything.
It’s been almost a year now since I first got the idea for my board game, but now that I’ve invested at least six months of that year into working on it day after day, I’m certainly not giving up on it. The game can be played between two to six players, and requires a large game board, 2500 cards, and 372 pieces. This sounds insane when I lay it out this way, but my main problem with board games is the lack of expansiveness. One sit-through of this game should take several hours, which is what me and my hard-core gamer friends like.
I’m expecting this game to be appealing to people who like Warhammer, hex-based games, and anybody who plays Civilization the computer game. I’d say my design pulls elements from Conquest (board game), Final Fantasy (computer game), Civilization (computer game), Risk (board game), Settlers of Catan (board game), and perhaps just a hint of Dungeons and Dragons. Needless to say, I’m confident in it being marketable.
All of that aside, here is where you guys come in. I need a first-print of the cards (I’m painting little wooden pieces for the first draft of the pieces) so that I can test the game out throughly and make final changes. I also need the board itself made which is probably the more tricky aspect. I’m interested in the price range for 2500 glossy full-color cards sized at 2.5in wide by 3.75in tall and a full-color game board (will probably three folds, possibly four) that would be about... 5.5ft by 4.5ft. The board size is just an approximation since I don’t have a final sizing on the aspects of the board yet.
Please write back with all comments and thoughts and with a price range for the board and cards if possible as your leisure.
-Atara
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 4:36pm
Angel writes me:
YES we are actually going to meet!! It’s so exciting, eh? I cannot wait.
Hmm, well he and I are just friends and I’m over him. Sometimes I reflect back on it but still I feel apathetic towards him and the situation… anyway, that’s all gone and I really enjoy being the girl nobody can have =]] I’ve been thinking of how when I was younger, I always wanted to be an independent girl. I wanted to be the one girl who didn’t need to depend on anyone (especially a guy) for happiness. On some level I do create my own happiness but others do play a large role in my blissfulness too. It sort of balances out I suppose. I find it hard to really depend on anyone these days which is probably the main reason why I try not to. I’m not very reliable myself and I admit that but I do try and to me trying is the best thing anyone can do. Trying is what builds strength ….at least in my eyes.
Anyway, in one of your entries, I noticed that you mentioned your father lecturing you about college. I also recall in one of your entries from years ago (or perhaps it was last year) how you noted that both of your parents were smart but yet their intelligence didn’t get them anywhere and you blamed it all on society’s ways. Hmm, I see a lot of smart people graduate but none of them really put forth the effort in the goals they once had. After high school, they usually drink their life away or get caught-up in drugs… My point is maybe your father doesn’t want you to be in the same situation he found himself in. Do you know what I mean?
Now, I’m definitely not going to preach to you about how education is important (though I believe it’s the key to a whole new life). I respect your morals and your decision. I know you want to be a housewife and that’s where we’re different (We’re probably a whole lot different but this one probably separates us most) you like to do whatever Crusipher wants you to do. If he wants you to cook, clean, or do whatever else, you’re willing to do it for him because you love him. You just want him to be happy and of course you want yourself to be happy. That’s not a bad thing but in this new world that we find ourselves in today, talk about it as if it’s a bad thing, right? Everyone is so built-up on education and all that…. academic skills are vital but most people don’t have the confidence or the willpower to actually go through with their life plans. I keep straggling off but what I’m trying to say is you are dependent and don’t mind whereas I strive to be independent (though I’m not that independent considering the fact that my parents are super duper overprotective!) :]
I write back:
You know, that's a very good analysis. Few people can accurately say what pleases me and why it pleases me. And beyond that, you even pointed out one of the best reasons to not go to college. So many people go, and then do nothing with it. What a waste of money and time if you don't do anything with it! My parents have no college friends that they still hang out with. My parents don't have jobs that relate to their college experience. The things they learned in college aren't the things they use most often in their day to day lives, and this just doesn't apply to them, but to many, many people. I've even heard people say that college helped them mostly to learn what they didn't want to do, and not what they did want to do. I won't go to college without life-goals in mind, and that is that. I also won't go to college without intending to set aside my life for the entire time I'm in college and spend all my time learning and memorizing information. And I also refuse to take out a ridiculously large loan that I'll spend my life paying off. Without those three elements, it's just a waste, don't you think?
Do you still have the list I sent you off stuff you should bring?
Wednesday, September, 10th 2008 at 8:37pm
I don't deny that I'm paranoid, tater. And I may be coming up with excuses because I want a baby so badly, and my mom's experience may differ from mine. However, I've had way too many health problems to not be paranoid. Mono four times. Chicken pocks twice. Remadic fever as a baby. Constant constipation. Harsh cramps. At least two yeast infections each year since I was eleven. At least one episode of strep throat for every year I've lived. Unexplained fevers. Colds that doctors couldn't identify. Severe headaches as a child. Chronic tiredness that didn't stop until I was fifteen. And I'm sure I'm missing at least ten more items that should be on this list. I have every reason to believe I will scream in horror as I give birth and that having a baby late in life would be a bad idea.
Too good to be true?
Friday, September, 5th 2008 at 5:55pm
My morning wasn’t that pleasant, but I’ve been having a good day despite it. Crusipher called me at three o’clock to apologize. He blames his outburst on his bad day at work yesterday, which I sympathize with. He proclaims that he will not stay at work to listen to their drama anymore because it clearly doesn’t involve him. (Like I’ve been saying all along.) He’s having a better day today. I guess the counter woman got fired and Frank says another person will be fired, but he’s not saying who yet.
This is the first Friday in two months (aside from the Friday in Toronto while I was at FanExpo) that I’m not at the card shop, and that’s fine with me. If Crusipher thinks I’d be better off staying here and working my ass off cleaning, scanning, editing, and creating, then that’s just as well with me. I thought he wanted me to hang out at the card shop so I could visit him periodically all day long and bike home with him at night, but I guess that’s not something he feels Motters anymore.
Now I have no excuse to bike anywhere again, which means I’m exercising again my usual way which consists of five to fifteen minutes of vigorous dancing and martial arts moves and five to ten minutes of stretching prior to that. That’s also just as well with me.
So today I set up my laptop where my desktop is, and just sort of pushed the monitor back and put away the keyboard to make room for it on the desk. I installed my printer on my laptop and began scanning away. I’m sure most of them I scanned before and are sitting as files on my PC’s hard drive, but nothing to be done about that now.
I probably spent two hours on that process, from 12:30pm (just after writing the entry this morning) to 2:30pm, and then I went downstairs at my mom’s summon for lunch. I came back upstairs at 3:00pm and did a little more scanning, as well as a bit of cleaning around the desk area. I threw out a whole slew of stuff related to the “Social Club” I tried to create way back in March. And then I watched half an episode of the Tyra Show (and deleted the rest of it because it was just about make overs and stuff that isn’t that interesting). I read of chapter of my book, and by then it was 4:00pm. I sat back down here to work on refining the web of sites that need to be created for our business, but the internet was down.
In search of my mom I went downstairs to ask her about the internet, but she wasn’t home, so I decided to clean until she got back. I sorted through three boxes of stuff, two were mostly cloth along with a bunch of old junk mail (don’t ask, I don’t get it either) and another was full of all sorts of random things. I ended up with two trash bags and neat bin of cloth when I was finished, and indeed my mom returned and has reset the internet, so now I will continue the web editing task.
I just thought I’d document how the day has gone so far. I’m sick of being told that I don’t do anything. It’s not as though I sit in front of a TV all day, I hardly play any games at all (video games or board games), and I read for perhaps and hour a day. And the moment anyone tells me I shouldn’t be reading and writing so much, I’ll about explode with frustration. It’s my life, and I’m going to live it the best way I know how. It’s not as though anyone is actually handing me something different to do with my life anyway.
I almost got lectured by my brother today. Or at least it felt like I narrowly escaped a lecture. (Robert arrived just before my mom did while I was cleaning. His cable is out or something like that, so he comes by to watch his shows.) He opened conversation by saying that heard I want to be a housewife. Yep, that’s the plan. He said, “you know that requires having children, right?”
I said, “that’s the whole point. I’ve been looking for a suitable father since I was 14.”
“What the hell were you doing thinking about that at fourteen?”
“I was preparing and planning, not actually considering having a baby then.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway,” I continued, “I think it’s better for a family to work as a unit. Too many families have a mom working one job, a father working a different job and the kids off at school all day long with no family time at all and no common goals as a family. If that’s how my family is going to be then I might as well not bother having one.”
He apparently didn’t have an argument for that one, so before he could come up with one I changed the topic somehow to wolves being shot in Alaska and the increased oil drilling in Texas while continuing to dart about the living room and dining room moving things, sorting and disposing of the undesirables.
I suppose there isn’t much left to say about my day.
I just added this on my deviant art page by way of being more professional as Crusipher suggested;
Make sure you check the captions for art by Phoenix or art by Muse or art by both of us together. I've added a bunch of new artwork by Phoenix and soon I intend to add Muse's tattoo work as well.
Muse (Crusipher Perry) is a tattoo artist, aspiring concept artist and works mainly in black and white pencil though he has experience using Maya and Z-brush as well as Photoshop.
Phoenix works with pencils, markers, and digital painting with Corel Photo Paint. She dabbles in photography, web-design, poetry and novel writing as well.
Monday, September, 8th 2008 at 3:08pm
It feels good to be working on cleaning the first floor every day. Another box of cloth sorted, two more boxes of books unloaded, more x-mas stuff put together in one central location, an old stone collection found and washed, and a large bag of trash taken out to the porch. As I said at the beginning, at this rate, it’ll be done by x-mas this year. I never knew it would feel so good, move so quickly or be quite so easy.
I feel like this is a large step towards taking control of my life and gaining respect. Not respect from other people so much as myself. So long I’ve chided myself in my head for lack of discipline, lack of motivation, lack of worth... This project is so giving in it’s immediate rewards of clear surfaces; table tops, shelves, the wooden floor in the dining room, the carpeted floor in the living room... I’ve uncovered many, many feet of surface... I’ve cleared an area of perhaps 4ft by 5ft on the living room floor last Saturday (not two days ago, but nine days ago) of boxes. About two boxes worth were thrown away, the rest packed more carefully onto a board across a wooden sitting chair that I cleared that same day of pillows, papers, and other assorted items. Before that I cleared a foot of space behind the other sitting chair on another part of the living room, allowing that chair to move a foot backward, and also allowing my bike to move farther back allowing more walking space. I also cleared off that chair.
I cleared out a large section of a TV stand that is used as a large mess of storage... Or at least it was a large mess of storage. Now it’s divided into Lord of the Rings items (behind glass doors), electronic items (inside the two large drawers), and Christmas stuff in the large hole where a TV would go. I’ve reorganized the games stand as well (also located in the living room) to accommodate more of the games which pile precariously on top of the stand.
I’ve added new folders to my mother’s filing cabinet and added a large stack of papers to her filing, all sorted into the appropriate folders. Of course there was the first adventure, the one that happened at four o’clock in the morning in the kitchen, which removed three bags of trash and created a vast amount of space in cubby hole beside the oven.
And then there is this last week’s work which has been in the dining room. I’ve found countless old things that were mine as a child. Some of which I threw away, some of which I organized downstairs to leave in my mother’s care, and some of which I took upstairs to my room. I’ve found all sorts of stained, gross, nasty things and old bits of paper, ads, magazines and other sorts of things that have happily been sent on their way. I’ve found countless things my mom is undoubtedly missing that sooner or later she’ll happen upon now that they are in accessible, logical locations.
Besides this new development in my life, I’m drawing more again. My creativity rises and falls like the tide, sometimes up for only a day at a time, sometimes up for months. Each time I bloom again with ideas I find them more interesting, more brilliant, more satisfying to fulfill and yet more difficult and often more disappointing because of my inability to bring forth my ideas into reality. Fortunately my imagination becomes more and more practical, which does mean it’s a struggle to keep it fresh and alive, but also easier to fulfill and work with and enjoy.
My imagination sees my family gathered in a clean and beautiful living room. Asa and Robert are with us, both my parents are there and Crusipher as well. Mott might be there too. It’s around New Years, perhaps into January, perhaps between Christmas and New Years, and the Christmas tree is still up, but all the wrappings have been put away. We’re sitting at a large table and the first copy of my board game is complete and we’re playing against each other, enjoying each other’s company and planning our strategies.
2008-09-06 21:11:12 tater - Somewhere
Wait a minute? Did you know that having a tilted uterus is very common (I have one and I got pregnant at 38 years old!) and it rights itself before you give birth, so it doesn't Motter at all that you have a tilted uterus. What are your "health problems" that make it so necessary for you to have to have a child before age 25? That seems really extreme!
2008-09-07 21:04:26 Clemintine - Somewhere
I come from a very similar situation, so I really feel where you're coming from as far as wanting to be a mother, a care-giver, a provider and a nurturer. I have a bit of "baby fever", but just make sure you're ready! Enjoy being young and a little selfish while you can.
http://oh-my-darlin.diaryland.com
Tater,
I know it's pretty common, but it's still not a happy thing. The doctor told me that, but he also said that it would be very painful as it straightened out. My health problems? As a toddler I was always tired and constantly getting sick and this didn't stop until I was fifteen. I have no confidence that I'll stay as healthy as I am now even if I do work very hard on my health because of my childhood. I spent almost my entire childhood in bed, and I'm dreading spending my entire pregnancy that way, or over the toilet, vomiting. My mother had her own share of problems giving birth, so that doesn't ease my worry any.
Clemintine,
I’ve been told I should enjoy being young so repeatedly it could be the mantra of my life. I’ve never enjoyed being young. Being young means that nobody respects your ideas. Being young means learning tough lessons the hard way. Being young means that you are forever guilty of making naive decisions to be regretted only a month later. For me, being young has always meant being miserable, sick, stupid, and unwanted. The more mature I become the more I enjoy my life. Partying made things worse. Childhood “friends” made things worse. My adventurous ideas made things worse. My blooming body and hormones ruined my life from age nine to age sixteen. I didn’t even have youth’s vitality, so I can’t say anything good about myself as a kid unless you count good skin, no body odor and unrestrained creativity.
In terms of being selfish... That will only get me in trouble and make me feel bad. I want children almost for the very reason of banishing what’s left of my selfishness. With kids there is no room for lack of discipline, no room for being selfish, no room for being immoral or irresponsible, and I don’t want room in my life for any of those things. I look forward to being the teacher, and to giving my kids a healthy childhood filled with activity and learning as many hard lessons as possible without destroying their confidence the way mine was.
Does that make sense? I appreciate all input, so don’t take this as a backlash. I just want to make myself as clear as possible. (Because if you’re not clear about who you are and what you want and why you want it, why bother with a blog anyway, right?)
My morning wasn’t that pleasant, but I’ve been having a good day despite it. Crusipher called me at three o’clock to apologize. He blames his outburst on his bad day at work yesterday, which I sympathize with. He proclaims that he will not stay at work to listen to their drama anymore because it clearly doesn’t involve him. (Like I’ve been saying all along.) He’s having a better day today. I guess the counter woman got fired and Frank says another person will be fired, but he’s not saying who yet.
This is the first Friday in two months (aside from the Friday in Toronto while I was at FanExpo) that I’m not at the card shop, and that’s fine with me. If Crusipher thinks I’d be better off staying here and working my ass off cleaning, scanning, editing, and creating, then that’s just as well with me. I thought he wanted me to hang out at the card shop so I could visit him periodically all day long and bike home with him at night, but I guess that’s not something he feels Motters anymore.
Now I have no excuse to bike anywhere again, which means I’m exercising again my usual way which consists of five to fifteen minutes of vigorous dancing and martial arts moves and five to ten minutes of stretching prior to that. That’s also just as well with me.
So today I set up my laptop where my desktop is, and just sort of pushed the monitor back and put away the keyboard to make room for it on the desk. I installed my printer on my laptop and began scanning away. I’m sure most of them I scanned before and are sitting as files on my PC’s hard drive, but nothing to be done about that now.
I probably spent two hours on that process, from 12:30pm (just after writing the entry this morning) to 2:30pm, and then I went downstairs at my mom’s summon for lunch. I came back upstairs at 3:00pm and did a little more scanning, as well as a bit of cleaning around the desk area. I threw out a whole slew of stuff related to the “Social Club” I tried to create way back in March. And then I watched half an episode of the Tyra Show (and deleted the rest of it because it was just about make overs and stuff that isn’t that interesting). I read of chapter of my book, and by then it was 4:00pm. I sat back down here to work on refining the web of sites that need to be created for our business, but the internet was down.
In search of my mom I went downstairs to ask her about the internet, but she wasn’t home, so I decided to clean until she got back. I sorted through three boxes of stuff, two were mostly cloth along with a bunch of old junk mail (don’t ask, I don’t get it either) and another was full of all sorts of random things. I ended up with two trash bags and neat bin of cloth when I was finished, and indeed my mom returned and has reset the internet, so now I will continue the web editing task.
I just thought I’d document how the day has gone so far. I’m sick of being told that I don’t do anything. It’s not as though I sit in front of a TV all day, I hardly play any games at all (video games or board games), and I read for perhaps and hour a day. And the moment anyone tells me I shouldn’t be reading and writing so much, I’ll about explode with frustration. It’s my life, and I’m going to live it the best way I know how. It’s not as though anyone is actually handing me something different to do with my life anyway.
I almost got lectured by my brother today. Or at least it felt like I narrowly escaped a lecture. (Robert arrived just before my mom did while I was cleaning. His cable is out or something like that, so he comes by to watch his shows.) He opened conversation by saying that heard I want to be a housewife. Yep, that’s the plan. He said, “you know that requires having children, right?”
I said, “that’s the whole point. I’ve been looking for a suitable father since I was 14.”
“What the hell were you doing thinking about that at fourteen?”
“I was preparing and planning, not actually considering having a baby then.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway,” I continued, “I think it’s better for a family to work as a unit. Too many families have a mom working one job, a father working a different job and the kids off at school all day long with no family time at all and no common goals as a family. If that’s how my family is going to be then I might as well not bother having one.”
He apparently didn’t have an argument for that one, so before he could come up with one I changed the topic somehow to wolves being shot in Alaska and the increased oil drilling in Texas while continuing to dart about the living room and dining room moving things, sorting and disposing of the undesirables.
I suppose there isn’t much left to say about my day.
I just added this on my deviant art page by way of being more professional as Crusipher suggested;
Make sure you check the captions for art by Phoenix or art by Muse or art by both of us together. I've added a bunch of new artwork by Phoenix and soon I intend to add Muse's tattoo work as well.
Muse (Crusipher Perry) is a tattoo artist, aspiring concept artist and works mainly in black and white pencil though he has experience using Maya and Z-brush as well as Photoshop.
Phoenix works with pencils, markers, and digital painting with Corel Photo Paint. She dabbles in photography, web-design, poetry and novel writing as well.
Monday, September, 8th 2008 at 3:08pm
It feels good to be working on cleaning the first floor every day. Another box of cloth sorted, two more boxes of books unloaded, more x-mas stuff put together in one central location, an old stone collection found and washed, and a large bag of trash taken out to the porch. As I said at the beginning, at this rate, it’ll be done by x-mas this year. I never knew it would feel so good, move so quickly or be quite so easy.
I feel like this is a large step towards taking control of my life and gaining respect. Not respect from other people so much as myself. So long I’ve chided myself in my head for lack of discipline, lack of motivation, lack of worth... This project is so giving in it’s immediate rewards of clear surfaces; table tops, shelves, the wooden floor in the dining room, the carpeted floor in the living room... I’ve uncovered many, many feet of surface... I’ve cleared an area of perhaps 4ft by 5ft on the living room floor last Saturday (not two days ago, but nine days ago) of boxes. About two boxes worth were thrown away, the rest packed more carefully onto a board across a wooden sitting chair that I cleared that same day of pillows, papers, and other assorted items. Before that I cleared a foot of space behind the other sitting chair on another part of the living room, allowing that chair to move a foot backward, and also allowing my bike to move farther back allowing more walking space. I also cleared off that chair.
I cleared out a large section of a TV stand that is used as a large mess of storage... Or at least it was a large mess of storage. Now it’s divided into Lord of the Rings items (behind glass doors), electronic items (inside the two large drawers), and Christmas stuff in the large hole where a TV would go. I’ve reorganized the games stand as well (also located in the living room) to accommodate more of the games which pile precariously on top of the stand.
I’ve added new folders to my mother’s filing cabinet and added a large stack of papers to her filing, all sorted into the appropriate folders. Of course there was the first adventure, the one that happened at four o’clock in the morning in the kitchen, which removed three bags of trash and created a vast amount of space in cubby hole beside the oven.
And then there is this last week’s work which has been in the dining room. I’ve found countless old things that were mine as a child. Some of which I threw away, some of which I organized downstairs to leave in my mother’s care, and some of which I took upstairs to my room. I’ve found all sorts of stained, gross, nasty things and old bits of paper, ads, magazines and other sorts of things that have happily been sent on their way. I’ve found countless things my mom is undoubtedly missing that sooner or later she’ll happen upon now that they are in accessible, logical locations.
Besides this new development in my life, I’m drawing more again. My creativity rises and falls like the tide, sometimes up for only a day at a time, sometimes up for months. Each time I bloom again with ideas I find them more interesting, more brilliant, more satisfying to fulfill and yet more difficult and often more disappointing because of my inability to bring forth my ideas into reality. Fortunately my imagination becomes more and more practical, which does mean it’s a struggle to keep it fresh and alive, but also easier to fulfill and work with and enjoy.
My imagination sees my family gathered in a clean and beautiful living room. Asa and Robert are with us, both my parents are there and Crusipher as well. Mott might be there too. It’s around New Years, perhaps into January, perhaps between Christmas and New Years, and the Christmas tree is still up, but all the wrappings have been put away. We’re sitting at a large table and the first copy of my board game is complete and we’re playing against each other, enjoying each other’s company and planning our strategies.
2008-09-06 21:11:12 tater - Somewhere
Wait a minute? Did you know that having a tilted uterus is very common (I have one and I got pregnant at 38 years old!) and it rights itself before you give birth, so it doesn't Motter at all that you have a tilted uterus. What are your "health problems" that make it so necessary for you to have to have a child before age 25? That seems really extreme!
2008-09-07 21:04:26 Clemintine - Somewhere
I come from a very similar situation, so I really feel where you're coming from as far as wanting to be a mother, a care-giver, a provider and a nurturer. I have a bit of "baby fever", but just make sure you're ready! Enjoy being young and a little selfish while you can.
http://oh-my-darlin.diaryland.com
Tater,
I know it's pretty common, but it's still not a happy thing. The doctor told me that, but he also said that it would be very painful as it straightened out. My health problems? As a toddler I was always tired and constantly getting sick and this didn't stop until I was fifteen. I have no confidence that I'll stay as healthy as I am now even if I do work very hard on my health because of my childhood. I spent almost my entire childhood in bed, and I'm dreading spending my entire pregnancy that way, or over the toilet, vomiting. My mother had her own share of problems giving birth, so that doesn't ease my worry any.
Clemintine,
I’ve been told I should enjoy being young so repeatedly it could be the mantra of my life. I’ve never enjoyed being young. Being young means that nobody respects your ideas. Being young means learning tough lessons the hard way. Being young means that you are forever guilty of making naive decisions to be regretted only a month later. For me, being young has always meant being miserable, sick, stupid, and unwanted. The more mature I become the more I enjoy my life. Partying made things worse. Childhood “friends” made things worse. My adventurous ideas made things worse. My blooming body and hormones ruined my life from age nine to age sixteen. I didn’t even have youth’s vitality, so I can’t say anything good about myself as a kid unless you count good skin, no body odor and unrestrained creativity.
In terms of being selfish... That will only get me in trouble and make me feel bad. I want children almost for the very reason of banishing what’s left of my selfishness. With kids there is no room for lack of discipline, no room for being selfish, no room for being immoral or irresponsible, and I don’t want room in my life for any of those things. I look forward to being the teacher, and to giving my kids a healthy childhood filled with activity and learning as many hard lessons as possible without destroying their confidence the way mine was.
Does that make sense? I appreciate all input, so don’t take this as a backlash. I just want to make myself as clear as possible. (Because if you’re not clear about who you are and what you want and why you want it, why bother with a blog anyway, right?)
Your Reward? A knife in the back.
Thursday, September, 4th 2008 at 3:22am
You know what I don’t get? How people work hard all day long, busting their ass, and then get paid for it, and then go spend it on beer or cigarettes. That’s like doing manual labor and as a reward, stabbing yourself!
It’s like Dr. Mark Hyman said... When you have a symptom, like sniffles or a pancreases that can’t produce insulin, you shouldn’t fight the symptom by repressing the sniffles or taking insulin shots. That’s like getting a nail stuck through your foot and taking Aspirin for the pain! Taking the freaking nail out.
But we humans. We don’t take the nail out. And we just love to stab ourselves in the gut after a hard day’s work. Most of us have our heads so far up our asses that the sound of logic is distorted through our giant fat ass-cheeks.
Thursday, September, 4th 2008 at 8:58pm
It’s been so blissful to spend so much time with Crusipher. The FanExpo in Toronto, his Wednesday off, Sunday off, Monday being a holiday, yesterday... This is more than I’ve seen of him in two-three weeks then I usually see of him in two months.
We’re having sex like wild rabbits, like we did in the beginning again. We’re having conversations late into the night again. We’re drawing together and learning together again. And, a step further than where we started, we’re also learning how to give each other the chance to correct themselves when they speak.
It’s easier to make it through the day when there aren’t any gaping pot holes in my relationship. I’m even studying again as if I were in school, and that feels great too. (Studying Japanese that is, I’ve memorized twenty characters so far and almost know another eleven.)
Those are two excellent things, but it doesn’t end there. I have a fabulous new idea for a book that I’m seriously considering writing. I’ve updated my long abandoned deviant art account for Crusipher and I’s art business. I’m working on getting the downstairs in some kind of order and actually getting somewhere. So overall I pretty content with everything.
One thing that does concern me still is my exercise level however. Surprisingly, all the cleaning and moving about isn’t helping much to tone my body, even though I’m breaking a sweat from activity once a day, I’m not gaining tone the way I do when I exercise everyday. I’m not sure when or where I’m going to fit in more exercise, but I do plan to do it.
Hey world, stop drinking soda and eating high fructose corn syrup!
Friday, September, 5th 2008 at 12:24pm
What now? What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? Everyone seems to think I’m doing nothing with my life. Mott thinks I’m stupid for putting love first in my life. My Dad thinks I’m stupid for not being in college. Crusipher thinks I’m stupid for not spending my days scanning and drawing art all day long and making websites, etc.
Perhaps this is why chicks say “fuck the world” and go get a job. If I had a job, nobody could tell me shit about what I do with my time. I’m trying so hard to accommodate that it’s just making things worse somehow. I’m sitting here crying like a fool instead do doing a damned thing.
I’m not sure what my priorities (aside from the first two: health and love) are. Clean up my parent’s stuff? That’s pretty important since I’ll end up doing it sooner or later, and the sooner, the longer I can reap the benefits of having a real home. Scan in all of Crusipher’s art? Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It’s not so easy, and I don’t feel like explaining why. Build us the office? That should be first, but there is no money to put into it that anyone is willing to spend, and the people who are supposed to be helping me with it have all bailed. (My parents and my mom’s workers.) I can’t use a huge as saw and cut a hole for a window. I certainly can’t drywall the ceiling.
What does Crusipher want me to put first? It seems like it changes weekly, and worse than that, he doesn’t tell me when his expectations change. As far as I know, getting laid everyday is still the most important thing to him, since he’s never said otherwise, but now he just takes it for granted and gets mad about other things it seems.
Perhaps I’m a winy bitch. But after yesterday where I went to work on one of my mom’s projects with her upon her request (drawing and coloring dragons to put up for sale at an upcoming convention), and then decided to practice my Japanese letters which I’ve been learning. (They aren’t really letters, but rather combinations of our letters to make up single sounds such as “ka, ki, ku, ke and ko.”) I asked my mom to help me practice and she flat out told me it was boring... Where was the mother who was so patient with me as a child? I guess I’m an adult now, and on my own...
And then my Dad, who after getting drunk at Thursday in the Square came up here to lecture me about not being in college. He told me he didn’t care if I was learning Japanese. His almost exact words were “If you’re not in college and you’re learning Japenese then you’re japping-off” which is just plain mean. I tried to show him the things I’ve been working on, but I felt completely dismissed in all of my accomplishments.
Then Crusipher doesn’t come home yet again and doesn’t manage to call me. He got home at 1:10am and then didn’t speak to me until 2:00am. Not that I spoke to him either, but he was the one who owed an explanation. When he finally told me what had happened, it simple turned out that there was “drama at the shop” which is a stupid reason to not come home, because he has nothing to do with their problems. He says that he just feels he can’t leave at certain times and shit like that, but who cares? Just leave anyway. He’s not getting paid to listen to their bull-shit problems that they bring upon themselves.
And then this morning, he’s still being non-communicative and unaffectionate (even though he did bring me a cup of tea) and then he goes and says, “when are you going to scan in my cereal kids?” I could have exploded right there. Two months ago, when my desktop computer died he told me he was going to take it apart and put new parts in it and have it up and running in a couple weeks. Now he’s saying that is a waste of money and to screw all the work I did that is on that hard drive and to do it all over on my laptop, and he’s telling me this now as if it was obvious and as if he can’t understand why I didn’t do it before.
You know what I don’t get? How people work hard all day long, busting their ass, and then get paid for it, and then go spend it on beer or cigarettes. That’s like doing manual labor and as a reward, stabbing yourself!
It’s like Dr. Mark Hyman said... When you have a symptom, like sniffles or a pancreases that can’t produce insulin, you shouldn’t fight the symptom by repressing the sniffles or taking insulin shots. That’s like getting a nail stuck through your foot and taking Aspirin for the pain! Taking the freaking nail out.
But we humans. We don’t take the nail out. And we just love to stab ourselves in the gut after a hard day’s work. Most of us have our heads so far up our asses that the sound of logic is distorted through our giant fat ass-cheeks.
Thursday, September, 4th 2008 at 8:58pm
It’s been so blissful to spend so much time with Crusipher. The FanExpo in Toronto, his Wednesday off, Sunday off, Monday being a holiday, yesterday... This is more than I’ve seen of him in two-three weeks then I usually see of him in two months.
We’re having sex like wild rabbits, like we did in the beginning again. We’re having conversations late into the night again. We’re drawing together and learning together again. And, a step further than where we started, we’re also learning how to give each other the chance to correct themselves when they speak.
It’s easier to make it through the day when there aren’t any gaping pot holes in my relationship. I’m even studying again as if I were in school, and that feels great too. (Studying Japanese that is, I’ve memorized twenty characters so far and almost know another eleven.)
Those are two excellent things, but it doesn’t end there. I have a fabulous new idea for a book that I’m seriously considering writing. I’ve updated my long abandoned deviant art account for Crusipher and I’s art business. I’m working on getting the downstairs in some kind of order and actually getting somewhere. So overall I pretty content with everything.
One thing that does concern me still is my exercise level however. Surprisingly, all the cleaning and moving about isn’t helping much to tone my body, even though I’m breaking a sweat from activity once a day, I’m not gaining tone the way I do when I exercise everyday. I’m not sure when or where I’m going to fit in more exercise, but I do plan to do it.
Hey world, stop drinking soda and eating high fructose corn syrup!
Friday, September, 5th 2008 at 12:24pm
What now? What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? Everyone seems to think I’m doing nothing with my life. Mott thinks I’m stupid for putting love first in my life. My Dad thinks I’m stupid for not being in college. Crusipher thinks I’m stupid for not spending my days scanning and drawing art all day long and making websites, etc.
Perhaps this is why chicks say “fuck the world” and go get a job. If I had a job, nobody could tell me shit about what I do with my time. I’m trying so hard to accommodate that it’s just making things worse somehow. I’m sitting here crying like a fool instead do doing a damned thing.
I’m not sure what my priorities (aside from the first two: health and love) are. Clean up my parent’s stuff? That’s pretty important since I’ll end up doing it sooner or later, and the sooner, the longer I can reap the benefits of having a real home. Scan in all of Crusipher’s art? Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It’s not so easy, and I don’t feel like explaining why. Build us the office? That should be first, but there is no money to put into it that anyone is willing to spend, and the people who are supposed to be helping me with it have all bailed. (My parents and my mom’s workers.) I can’t use a huge as saw and cut a hole for a window. I certainly can’t drywall the ceiling.
What does Crusipher want me to put first? It seems like it changes weekly, and worse than that, he doesn’t tell me when his expectations change. As far as I know, getting laid everyday is still the most important thing to him, since he’s never said otherwise, but now he just takes it for granted and gets mad about other things it seems.
Perhaps I’m a winy bitch. But after yesterday where I went to work on one of my mom’s projects with her upon her request (drawing and coloring dragons to put up for sale at an upcoming convention), and then decided to practice my Japanese letters which I’ve been learning. (They aren’t really letters, but rather combinations of our letters to make up single sounds such as “ka, ki, ku, ke and ko.”) I asked my mom to help me practice and she flat out told me it was boring... Where was the mother who was so patient with me as a child? I guess I’m an adult now, and on my own...
And then my Dad, who after getting drunk at Thursday in the Square came up here to lecture me about not being in college. He told me he didn’t care if I was learning Japanese. His almost exact words were “If you’re not in college and you’re learning Japenese then you’re japping-off” which is just plain mean. I tried to show him the things I’ve been working on, but I felt completely dismissed in all of my accomplishments.
Then Crusipher doesn’t come home yet again and doesn’t manage to call me. He got home at 1:10am and then didn’t speak to me until 2:00am. Not that I spoke to him either, but he was the one who owed an explanation. When he finally told me what had happened, it simple turned out that there was “drama at the shop” which is a stupid reason to not come home, because he has nothing to do with their problems. He says that he just feels he can’t leave at certain times and shit like that, but who cares? Just leave anyway. He’s not getting paid to listen to their bull-shit problems that they bring upon themselves.
And then this morning, he’s still being non-communicative and unaffectionate (even though he did bring me a cup of tea) and then he goes and says, “when are you going to scan in my cereal kids?” I could have exploded right there. Two months ago, when my desktop computer died he told me he was going to take it apart and put new parts in it and have it up and running in a couple weeks. Now he’s saying that is a waste of money and to screw all the work I did that is on that hard drive and to do it all over on my laptop, and he’s telling me this now as if it was obvious and as if he can’t understand why I didn’t do it before.
A Minor Conflict
Monday, September, 1st 2008
I was on IM, and I was feeling that need to express myself, and I admitted to Chris; “Well, I am a little conflicted.”
He seemed interested; “On what? Do tell.”
I wanted to explain, but for a moment it seemed like a bother. I said, “But explaining it would be very complex... I can try to shorten it I guess...”
He chuckled and waited for me to continue.
“I have a boyfriend,” I began. “I love him and want things to work out with him and if we can work everything out he's the guy I want. Keeping this in mind, I've never really had friends, just boyfriends. So I've never been sure how to act around friends. And for the first time I have a friend. And it's difficult sometimes because when I feel compassionate towards him I want to curl up in his lap, or when he says things that bother me I want to kiss him to make him shut up or when he says things that I find attractive I think about having sex with him. But I don't really want him. I mean, it would be nice probably for less time than it would take to get our clothes off...”
He laughed again.
“But I can't stop thinking about it, and I keep leaning towards him to kiss him and catching myself and such. I haven’t actually done anything, but just thinking about it is making me feel guilty.”
“Well i wish i was him,” Chris said.
I pretty much rolled my eyes and continued, “He's really not my type in a zillion different ways, but since we're real friends, and I've never been close to someone without being sexual with them, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what friends do when they have that same moment that a couple does that causes cuddling. I don't know what friends do when they have that same sort of moment that causes a couple to kiss.”
Chris answers, “they don’t kiss, they lol, then take a breath.”
I giggle to myself and then sigh, “I know that, but what to do to keep themselves in line? No body even seems to have trouble with it. Especially not this guy. I think part of the problem is that he's just not interested in sex at all. And I've always loved a challenge. I like making a guy fall for me when he has no intentions of doing so. I find that really fun. So this guy would be so fun to make him fall for me, even though I don't want to fall for him. You see my conflict?”
I sent that IM message to that very friend on Aug 30, 2008 at 11:01 PM. He e-mailed me back saying;
“Ahoy, was this the entire message by the way? I couldn't tell if it was cut off because it read really strangely on g-mail. Btw, I wondered if you caught the whole idea behind the end there. You laughed because it seemed like the defense mechanism we talked so much about, but that was way off. I want to hear your take on it before I tell you the right answer like always. How are you feelin anyways?”
I wrote back;
“It was all of the relevant IM, after that we drifted off into talking about other things. I kinda lied in a couple places, or at least, stretched the truth. I felt like I was being very truthful and opening up when I wrote it, but now that I read it again I know a little better about myself. The truth is that I'm scared things won't work out with Crusipher, and I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of not having anybody who wants me.
I hate admitting that I'd ever think like this, but I’ve thought to myself that all I needed to do was set things up so that years from now, if I was alone, you'd feel close enough and comfortable enough around me for me to have a chance. My morals and instincts tell me that it's not right to have any sort of "back up" in a relationship, that you should put 100% of your faith into it if you want it to work, but even though I believe that and try my best to act on it, I still fear being alone.
I'd hate to think I've wasted all this time. Not that I've really wasted it. I've learned from it, and I've grown and changed and I like myself much better than I did before I met Crusipher. In fact, I've become the person I've always wanted to be in around 70% of ways, whereas I didn't like myself at all before I met Crusipher. But like I said, I have a tilted uterus, and if I don't have my first baby before I'm twenty-five, with my health history, I'm likely to not be able to make it. And even if I did make it, it could have very severe repercussions. I know a girl who had a epidermal during her first pregnancy and as a result has permanent damage to her back. Because of my history with how I react to drugs (even aspirin), I know that I have to make it through without taking any.
That's a lot of pressure. Just over six years from now and I know that having a baby is risking my life. And if I don't have a suitable husband by then, then having the child would be selfish and not considerate of the child at all. So I have my eyes pealed for all the possibilities of the next six years of my life, and one of those possibilities is that Crusipher never really quits drinking, and never takes that step to behave like a husband. If that happens, then I'll be forced to try and find someone better, someone who will be a good father, or just give up everything I've ever wanted and build new dreams for myself.”
Just like me to write something like that, forward and stumbling... Now I have to figure out how to deal with this. I know why I’m inclined to feel close to him, and I know all the reasons why it would be a bad idea for me to act on my impulses. In the past I’ve given in, but I’m better than that now. Or is even thinking about it still bad? This would have never happened if it weren’t for all the doubt that was stirred up between Crusipher and I, but then again, as I’ve written, I still don’t know how two real friends are supposed to behave. All my behavior patterns are based on romantic relationships.
I’m tempted to be all depressed about my own thoughts, but that’s just useless guilt as Isadora would say. Ah, Isadora, you’re my hero sometimes. (Isadora is the main character in a three-book series by Erica Jong.) I’d rather pat myself on the back for not actually acting on my impulses, and for being honest with myself, and for keeping level head and being strong enough to admit I have so much to learn about friendship and for being brave enough to stick everything out even when I get as confused as I have been getting.
I’m sure this will come to pass as I become more relaxed with what a friendship is like.
Mott writes me:
“This is a novel, get ready to read....
That was probably the most ignorant thing I’ve heard you say in a quite a while. In Germany, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Russia, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Balkans, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Spain, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Spain, Italy, modern day Greece, and to a lesser extent all other areas of Europe, lesser atrocities have been committed. In the Americas, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Americas, we killed millions of other white people for defending other people' religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Americas, we enslaved millions of people for their religion, color, language, and culture.
However...
Europe overall has one of the highest standards of living in human history. Europe overall is one of the most technologically advanced regions in human history. From European and American efforts alone, the lives of billions and billions of people have been improved in some way. Modernization is often equated with the destruction of culture, but is it ever equated with running water? higher life expectancy? plumbing? What about a constant source of food? Shelter that does more than shelter in the winter? What about clothing that can be made in such quantities and in such quality through industry that it is no longer a Motter of function, but style as well in every article we wear? What about fire departments? Ambulances? And how about habitat for humanity? Save the Children? the Peace Corps? I could do on like this. I don’t think I even mentioned the eradication of countless diseases that plagued humanity since its inception as a species and the quick availability of treatment of countless more world wide though INGOs, QUANGO's, and the combined efforts of many white dominated nations worldwide. Have you looked into the whole "Nike in Vietnam" scandal? I'm going to assume you haven't (although you very well may have) for the purpose of not leaving out anything. People in America and Europe are protesting Nike going into countries in Africa and Asia that are undeveloped or developing because they claim they take advantage of the poor people their and are able to essentially have free, legal, slave labor. Did you also know that is some of the most ignorant bullshit any human rights activist has ever pressed? And I am all in support of human rights, but these people are actually hurting the freedom of the people they want to protect. Lets go through this Vietnam example:
1. Nike decided to build a plant near a village in Vietnam.
2. Nike brings in a few ten professional engineers and technicians from America to oversee its construction and processing.
3. Nike hires local workers who have been pining for higher paying jobs for generations to build the plant. This bring American money into their economy, stimulating it. It increases spending since people have money to buy things with, increasing liquidity and making a sustainable economy assuming people continue to have jobs.
4. Nike finishes the plant and hires hundred of workers from near by farms and villages. Hundreds of people, ages 10-30 go to work everyday, separated by age and sex in order to make sure the wrong jobs don’t get the wrong people. (dangerous jobs are reserved for men, simple jobs for children, etc).
5. Hundreds of families have much higher income than before the plant arrived.
Now lets consider a typical family.
A) before the plant: Lived in a thatched roof house and worked in muddy rice pattys for generations before the plant. Children were only educated on what they needed to know to farm. (grandma and grandpa generation in 2008). Life is subsistence farming for the most part. Without growing their food they wouldn't get any.
B) after the plant: Live in brick houses at the very least. There is electricity running to the house that allows them limited television, radio, telephone, and lighting. Food is easy to come by. (here's the kicker, get ready) Once they earn enough money, the kids are sent to go to school. Many of these children who have been growing up over the past 20-30 years are in college or have graduated from college. (this era is the mom and dad generation)
C) (this is the child's generation which has only just begun recently) The white, American technicians in the plant have been replaced with native Vietnamese technicians and professionals. In fact, the only American employees of the plant is the representatives and inspectors for the company (only a handful of people).
Now what happens after these white people move in to a country, "enslave" them, and then give them control over the economy and technology the white people gave them? We actually know what happens! because its happened before, and only a short swim away from Vietnam in Taiwan! Taiwan went through the same basic changes years before Vietnam did (there wasn't a war in Taiwan). Taiwan started off by making the boxes that American companies would package electronics in. Now they are producing the electronics that American's package them in. In no time, once given the chance to become educated and manage their own technology, allowed to them by the "invading whites," they excelled exponentially. From farms, to factories, to office buildings in only a few decades.
I can do you even one better, and this is where I hit back on your own argument. You may have seen this coming. So we Americans and Brits, we corrupted an entire culture, eh? We ruined Japan.... really? Really? Japan has the second highest GDP in the WORLD second only to the US. Japan has an amazingly high standard of living. On the '07/'08 Human Development Index Rankings by the UN, Japan placed 9th and the US 12th. The United Kingdom sat at a measly 16th (For the record, the best countries in the world overall are by most scales Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Ireland, and Switzerland. Have you ever heard of any of those counties invading others or being accused of human rights violations? And they've been dominated by white people since the Neanderthals. Also high on the lists are Canada and Australia.) Japan's culture is EXTREMELY evident in their country. Japan wasn't poisoned by western thought. In fact, Japan never had a thought of its own. Its always adapted to and adopted from the thoughts of the cultures its interacted with, while constantly forming its own identity. their writing the originally stole from China. They've developed their government by basing it off of the Germans, and developed their economy by fallowing an American example. They've proven very good at taking what’s good or has potential from other cultures and applying them and altering them to a better end. Japan is a great example of what happens when western creativity and ingenuity meets eastern work ethic and competence. They would never have gotten there however, if America hadn't forced them to open up Nagasaki inthe 1800s, or if America hadn't forced them to be a satellite state for much of the 20th century after WWII.
This brings me to my next point. You seem to have a special place in your heart for the hatred of white people. Excuse me, but in WWII, Japan tried to conquer the world just as Germany did. They killed and tortured not quite as many people, but then again they were having too hard of a time at the home front because they were starving their entire populations of food, oil, and money. The Japanese were just as cruel in many respects as the German. They were just as misguided by a few charismatic figures. In Germany, you know, many Germans, even high ranking officials, had been plotting the death of Hitler for some time, and in fact tried and failed during the war, including Germany's arguably best general. In Japan, many people opposed the war including the Emperor eventually and he had to be shut up after the bomb on Hiroshima. It wasn't until Nagasaki that the Generals finally paid any attention to the Emperor's pleas. Just because Tojo and Hitler were terribly misguided individuals who happened to be in the right place at the right time to make everything wrong, doesn't mean that white people are inherently evil, nor are the Japanese blood thirsty and power hungry. Did you know that white people didn't enslave Africans and bring them to America for manual labor? 99% of all slaves were in fact African slaves, enslaved by other Africans as had been the custom for thousands upon thousands of years. The Africans in power on the coasts had simply traded their own slaves for western technology. Whites didn't enslave Africans, Africans did. Of course I’m not condoning the Americans for holding these men in slavery at all. You know how much I am an advocate of freedom. But I am saying that African's were worse than the whites in terms of violating freedom. They didn't even have color to fall back on. They simply hated each other. I don't even think I need to argue about the inhumanity of the Asian races. They have a caste system in India, end of story.
But the fact that all of these races as a whole more often come together and form great things is what is even more prevalent in human history. IF the net effect of these races is as negative as you make out to be, how would you explain the immensely positive progress the human race has made in the past 2 thousand years?! clearly we're doing more right than we're doing wrong, and by the looks of things, a LOT more right than wrong.
Get ready for Part II... its going to come in the form of another e-mail but likely wont be as long. By the way, I’m considering revising this entire thing and sending it to a newspaper or news website for publishing. This is a first draft I suppose.”
I was on IM, and I was feeling that need to express myself, and I admitted to Chris; “Well, I am a little conflicted.”
He seemed interested; “On what? Do tell.”
I wanted to explain, but for a moment it seemed like a bother. I said, “But explaining it would be very complex... I can try to shorten it I guess...”
He chuckled and waited for me to continue.
“I have a boyfriend,” I began. “I love him and want things to work out with him and if we can work everything out he's the guy I want. Keeping this in mind, I've never really had friends, just boyfriends. So I've never been sure how to act around friends. And for the first time I have a friend. And it's difficult sometimes because when I feel compassionate towards him I want to curl up in his lap, or when he says things that bother me I want to kiss him to make him shut up or when he says things that I find attractive I think about having sex with him. But I don't really want him. I mean, it would be nice probably for less time than it would take to get our clothes off...”
He laughed again.
“But I can't stop thinking about it, and I keep leaning towards him to kiss him and catching myself and such. I haven’t actually done anything, but just thinking about it is making me feel guilty.”
“Well i wish i was him,” Chris said.
I pretty much rolled my eyes and continued, “He's really not my type in a zillion different ways, but since we're real friends, and I've never been close to someone without being sexual with them, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure what friends do when they have that same moment that a couple does that causes cuddling. I don't know what friends do when they have that same sort of moment that causes a couple to kiss.”
Chris answers, “they don’t kiss, they lol, then take a breath.”
I giggle to myself and then sigh, “I know that, but what to do to keep themselves in line? No body even seems to have trouble with it. Especially not this guy. I think part of the problem is that he's just not interested in sex at all. And I've always loved a challenge. I like making a guy fall for me when he has no intentions of doing so. I find that really fun. So this guy would be so fun to make him fall for me, even though I don't want to fall for him. You see my conflict?”
I sent that IM message to that very friend on Aug 30, 2008 at 11:01 PM. He e-mailed me back saying;
“Ahoy, was this the entire message by the way? I couldn't tell if it was cut off because it read really strangely on g-mail. Btw, I wondered if you caught the whole idea behind the end there. You laughed because it seemed like the defense mechanism we talked so much about, but that was way off. I want to hear your take on it before I tell you the right answer like always. How are you feelin anyways?”
I wrote back;
“It was all of the relevant IM, after that we drifted off into talking about other things. I kinda lied in a couple places, or at least, stretched the truth. I felt like I was being very truthful and opening up when I wrote it, but now that I read it again I know a little better about myself. The truth is that I'm scared things won't work out with Crusipher, and I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of not having anybody who wants me.
I hate admitting that I'd ever think like this, but I’ve thought to myself that all I needed to do was set things up so that years from now, if I was alone, you'd feel close enough and comfortable enough around me for me to have a chance. My morals and instincts tell me that it's not right to have any sort of "back up" in a relationship, that you should put 100% of your faith into it if you want it to work, but even though I believe that and try my best to act on it, I still fear being alone.
I'd hate to think I've wasted all this time. Not that I've really wasted it. I've learned from it, and I've grown and changed and I like myself much better than I did before I met Crusipher. In fact, I've become the person I've always wanted to be in around 70% of ways, whereas I didn't like myself at all before I met Crusipher. But like I said, I have a tilted uterus, and if I don't have my first baby before I'm twenty-five, with my health history, I'm likely to not be able to make it. And even if I did make it, it could have very severe repercussions. I know a girl who had a epidermal during her first pregnancy and as a result has permanent damage to her back. Because of my history with how I react to drugs (even aspirin), I know that I have to make it through without taking any.
That's a lot of pressure. Just over six years from now and I know that having a baby is risking my life. And if I don't have a suitable husband by then, then having the child would be selfish and not considerate of the child at all. So I have my eyes pealed for all the possibilities of the next six years of my life, and one of those possibilities is that Crusipher never really quits drinking, and never takes that step to behave like a husband. If that happens, then I'll be forced to try and find someone better, someone who will be a good father, or just give up everything I've ever wanted and build new dreams for myself.”
Just like me to write something like that, forward and stumbling... Now I have to figure out how to deal with this. I know why I’m inclined to feel close to him, and I know all the reasons why it would be a bad idea for me to act on my impulses. In the past I’ve given in, but I’m better than that now. Or is even thinking about it still bad? This would have never happened if it weren’t for all the doubt that was stirred up between Crusipher and I, but then again, as I’ve written, I still don’t know how two real friends are supposed to behave. All my behavior patterns are based on romantic relationships.
I’m tempted to be all depressed about my own thoughts, but that’s just useless guilt as Isadora would say. Ah, Isadora, you’re my hero sometimes. (Isadora is the main character in a three-book series by Erica Jong.) I’d rather pat myself on the back for not actually acting on my impulses, and for being honest with myself, and for keeping level head and being strong enough to admit I have so much to learn about friendship and for being brave enough to stick everything out even when I get as confused as I have been getting.
I’m sure this will come to pass as I become more relaxed with what a friendship is like.
Mott writes me:
“This is a novel, get ready to read....
That was probably the most ignorant thing I’ve heard you say in a quite a while. In Germany, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Russia, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Balkans, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Spain, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In Spain, Italy, modern day Greece, and to a lesser extent all other areas of Europe, lesser atrocities have been committed. In the Americas, we killed millions of people for their religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Americas, we killed millions of other white people for defending other people' religion, color, language, culture, and sexual preference. In the Americas, we enslaved millions of people for their religion, color, language, and culture.
However...
Europe overall has one of the highest standards of living in human history. Europe overall is one of the most technologically advanced regions in human history. From European and American efforts alone, the lives of billions and billions of people have been improved in some way. Modernization is often equated with the destruction of culture, but is it ever equated with running water? higher life expectancy? plumbing? What about a constant source of food? Shelter that does more than shelter in the winter? What about clothing that can be made in such quantities and in such quality through industry that it is no longer a Motter of function, but style as well in every article we wear? What about fire departments? Ambulances? And how about habitat for humanity? Save the Children? the Peace Corps? I could do on like this. I don’t think I even mentioned the eradication of countless diseases that plagued humanity since its inception as a species and the quick availability of treatment of countless more world wide though INGOs, QUANGO's, and the combined efforts of many white dominated nations worldwide. Have you looked into the whole "Nike in Vietnam" scandal? I'm going to assume you haven't (although you very well may have) for the purpose of not leaving out anything. People in America and Europe are protesting Nike going into countries in Africa and Asia that are undeveloped or developing because they claim they take advantage of the poor people their and are able to essentially have free, legal, slave labor. Did you also know that is some of the most ignorant bullshit any human rights activist has ever pressed? And I am all in support of human rights, but these people are actually hurting the freedom of the people they want to protect. Lets go through this Vietnam example:
1. Nike decided to build a plant near a village in Vietnam.
2. Nike brings in a few ten professional engineers and technicians from America to oversee its construction and processing.
3. Nike hires local workers who have been pining for higher paying jobs for generations to build the plant. This bring American money into their economy, stimulating it. It increases spending since people have money to buy things with, increasing liquidity and making a sustainable economy assuming people continue to have jobs.
4. Nike finishes the plant and hires hundred of workers from near by farms and villages. Hundreds of people, ages 10-30 go to work everyday, separated by age and sex in order to make sure the wrong jobs don’t get the wrong people. (dangerous jobs are reserved for men, simple jobs for children, etc).
5. Hundreds of families have much higher income than before the plant arrived.
Now lets consider a typical family.
A) before the plant: Lived in a thatched roof house and worked in muddy rice pattys for generations before the plant. Children were only educated on what they needed to know to farm. (grandma and grandpa generation in 2008). Life is subsistence farming for the most part. Without growing their food they wouldn't get any.
B) after the plant: Live in brick houses at the very least. There is electricity running to the house that allows them limited television, radio, telephone, and lighting. Food is easy to come by. (here's the kicker, get ready) Once they earn enough money, the kids are sent to go to school. Many of these children who have been growing up over the past 20-30 years are in college or have graduated from college. (this era is the mom and dad generation)
C) (this is the child's generation which has only just begun recently) The white, American technicians in the plant have been replaced with native Vietnamese technicians and professionals. In fact, the only American employees of the plant is the representatives and inspectors for the company (only a handful of people).
Now what happens after these white people move in to a country, "enslave" them, and then give them control over the economy and technology the white people gave them? We actually know what happens! because its happened before, and only a short swim away from Vietnam in Taiwan! Taiwan went through the same basic changes years before Vietnam did (there wasn't a war in Taiwan). Taiwan started off by making the boxes that American companies would package electronics in. Now they are producing the electronics that American's package them in. In no time, once given the chance to become educated and manage their own technology, allowed to them by the "invading whites," they excelled exponentially. From farms, to factories, to office buildings in only a few decades.
I can do you even one better, and this is where I hit back on your own argument. You may have seen this coming. So we Americans and Brits, we corrupted an entire culture, eh? We ruined Japan.... really? Really? Japan has the second highest GDP in the WORLD second only to the US. Japan has an amazingly high standard of living. On the '07/'08 Human Development Index Rankings by the UN, Japan placed 9th and the US 12th. The United Kingdom sat at a measly 16th (For the record, the best countries in the world overall are by most scales Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Ireland, and Switzerland. Have you ever heard of any of those counties invading others or being accused of human rights violations? And they've been dominated by white people since the Neanderthals. Also high on the lists are Canada and Australia.) Japan's culture is EXTREMELY evident in their country. Japan wasn't poisoned by western thought. In fact, Japan never had a thought of its own. Its always adapted to and adopted from the thoughts of the cultures its interacted with, while constantly forming its own identity. their writing the originally stole from China. They've developed their government by basing it off of the Germans, and developed their economy by fallowing an American example. They've proven very good at taking what’s good or has potential from other cultures and applying them and altering them to a better end. Japan is a great example of what happens when western creativity and ingenuity meets eastern work ethic and competence. They would never have gotten there however, if America hadn't forced them to open up Nagasaki inthe 1800s, or if America hadn't forced them to be a satellite state for much of the 20th century after WWII.
This brings me to my next point. You seem to have a special place in your heart for the hatred of white people. Excuse me, but in WWII, Japan tried to conquer the world just as Germany did. They killed and tortured not quite as many people, but then again they were having too hard of a time at the home front because they were starving their entire populations of food, oil, and money. The Japanese were just as cruel in many respects as the German. They were just as misguided by a few charismatic figures. In Germany, you know, many Germans, even high ranking officials, had been plotting the death of Hitler for some time, and in fact tried and failed during the war, including Germany's arguably best general. In Japan, many people opposed the war including the Emperor eventually and he had to be shut up after the bomb on Hiroshima. It wasn't until Nagasaki that the Generals finally paid any attention to the Emperor's pleas. Just because Tojo and Hitler were terribly misguided individuals who happened to be in the right place at the right time to make everything wrong, doesn't mean that white people are inherently evil, nor are the Japanese blood thirsty and power hungry. Did you know that white people didn't enslave Africans and bring them to America for manual labor? 99% of all slaves were in fact African slaves, enslaved by other Africans as had been the custom for thousands upon thousands of years. The Africans in power on the coasts had simply traded their own slaves for western technology. Whites didn't enslave Africans, Africans did. Of course I’m not condoning the Americans for holding these men in slavery at all. You know how much I am an advocate of freedom. But I am saying that African's were worse than the whites in terms of violating freedom. They didn't even have color to fall back on. They simply hated each other. I don't even think I need to argue about the inhumanity of the Asian races. They have a caste system in India, end of story.
But the fact that all of these races as a whole more often come together and form great things is what is even more prevalent in human history. IF the net effect of these races is as negative as you make out to be, how would you explain the immensely positive progress the human race has made in the past 2 thousand years?! clearly we're doing more right than we're doing wrong, and by the looks of things, a LOT more right than wrong.
Get ready for Part II... its going to come in the form of another e-mail but likely wont be as long. By the way, I’m considering revising this entire thing and sending it to a newspaper or news website for publishing. This is a first draft I suppose.”
My Sex Machine
Saturday, August, 30th 2008 at 1:38pm
Mott,
You say I spend too much time on the mundane and not enough on the major stuff. The problem is, mundane things have to happen and major stuff doesn’t. This house needs about 700,000 hours of cleaning, and if I don’t start putting in more hours on getting it done, it will never be done and my mom will waste away the rest of her life not getting anywhere and her and I will never spend any quality time together and her things won’t get sorted until she dies. I’m starting myself out with an hour to three hours a day getting things done in the area of the house that is mostly her domain. Then I still need to put in at least half an hour cleaning my domain, which includes my bathroom.
After cleaning, I like to read for half and hour to an hour to relax and readjust my mind again. After that, it’s time to get to some creative work. Either drawing, editing or designing. (Over simplified, but then.) After two or three hours of that it’s time for lunch (I forgot to mention breakfast happening before and during the cleaning time.) Let’s be generous and say Breakfast and Lunch together take up one hour. There are only so many hours in the day, as we all know. Everyday I write, if not an entry, then an e-mail or an instant message or a post to forum or a poem or a on a story, and that is generally for about an hour. Let’s see, cleaning 2hrs, reading 1hr, writing 1hr, eating 1hr, creative work 3hrs. We’re up to eight hours now, and none of things mentioned were unproductive. I generally spend the half hour after Crusipher leaves getting dressed and all of that morning stuff and the same for the half hour before he get’s home, bringing us up to nine hours, and he’s only gone for eleven hours. (Ten at work, one in transportation.) Somewhere in the day I lose that last two hours talking to my mom or playing a video game or going grocery shopping, cleaning myself etc. All in all, I think I’m spending my time quite well at the moment.
And now, it’s going on two o’clock, and I’ve spent over an hour writing, so now it’s long since time to clean, eat lunch and then work on my board game.
Saturday, August, 30th 2008 at 11:24pm
I want to tear my hair out. I want to punch something. There is no comfort. There is no fix. Fuck it all to hell. I shouldn’t have bothered keeping myself in check today because what’s it even Motter!
Sunday, August, 31st 2008 at 11:36pm
Twenty-four hours ago I was miserable, as my few short sentences expressed. Crusipher stayed at work on Tuesday night to do a tattoo. On Friday or Saturday night, I forget which, when he got into the neighborhood on his bike, another nigga on bike came at him, and Crusipher didn’t want to stand down, so they “swung off” and the other guy was left on the ground. Crusipher didn’t want to leave to go directly home incase anybody was watching, and yet again didn’t make it home until 4am. And now, last night, his boss and her man took him to a bar. He didn’t make it home until nearly five in the morning.
The first of these three was almost entirely excusable except for one thing; he had asked me that morning to dress up for him, and I had put candles out and everything, so by the time he called me at 11:05pm, I was sitting on the bed waiting expectantly for him, all dressed up. And since he said he’d only be an hour, I waited. I waited until 1:00am to undress and blow out the candles.
The second wasn’t really his fault, but he shouldn’t necessarily engaged in battle with this stranger. What if he had a gun or a knife? What if he’s in a gang and the gang decides to retaliate? So on and so forth. Yet, more disturbing is that this neighborhood is presenting itself very strongly as an unsafe place to be. What’s nuts is that we’re only three blocks away from Richmond, which is a beautiful area with large green lawns, gardens, circular tiny parks, and crisp, clean houses with friendly inhabitants. The one block directly before Richmond is decent, filled with middle class working type people. And the block between that one and ours is pretty bad, and by the time you get to our block it’s drug dealers, gangs, middle school drop outs, hookers and so forth.
Unfortunately it only gets worse in the other direction for the most part. Only going directly from my house to Richmond takes you out of the ghetto in three blocks, every other direction takes five blocks or more. This means that there is no run-around route to get to the house, meaning that every single day he rides his bike through the two blocks of ghetto to the house is another day someone might notice he comes through at the same time every night.
Last night was pretty much inexcusable. He did call to let me know, even though he doesn’t have a phone at the moment. (His phone, which was in terrible condition anyway, disappeared a few days ago. I’ve called to have it turned off and ordered another one out of our savings.) Other than calling me, the only other positive point is that he says with vehemence that he wish he didn’t go. He came home completely wasted. He didn’t even make the least amount of sense and I didn’t bother making any conversation at all. He fell asleep quickly and slept like the dead, all except for his snoring.
Crusipher tells me that he doesn’t want to go out anymore, and that it’s pointless and all of that. Pretty much agreeing with me on all points of the Motter. His hair thinning is a helpful motivation for him, if not our relationship. I think that time, as I’ve hoped in the past, is wearing on him. There is only so long you can deny the truth staring you in the face. There is only so long I can be by his side, supporting him and loving him and doing for him before he has to admit that I am the most loving and compassionate girlfriend a man could ever want.
I’ve concluded from these new developments that not all hope is lost, but that a weary eye and strong shell are still required if I’m to keep my sanity. And even more than that, I must remember caution. Too many arguments have been my fault. Sometimes I’ll express an opinion, and it won’t make sense to him, and instead of backtracking and explaining again in another light, sometimes I take his denial of what I said and get angry that he feels that way, without ever taking the time to realize that we’ve only misunderstood each other.
At the moment he’s playing Final Fantasy 12 on the play station 2 beside me. I’m sitting on the bed too, with the table pulled up close to the bed with my alienware laptop sitting atop it. I prefer this to anything. Only one foot distance between us, easily closed with a lean for a kiss or an affectionate touch, which happens often, initiated by either one of us almost equally.
So many times I’ve almost given up, but some of the key things are called back to me. Why give up if he’s still trying? And he’s definitely been trying these past two or three weeks. Have I mentioned I stopped keeping the chart? The all-knowing chart that lists what days what happened. The chart allowed me to say things like, “hey, you’ve drank twice a week, every week, for four months” and other such things. It also included if he held me at night, if I cooked for him, if I slept naked beside him, if we had sex, if he made me tea, etc.
I kept this chart up for months and months, but you know what? It didn’t help. If anything, it made things worse. At best, it was interesting, and a few times Crusipher looked at it and it helped him realize something, but overall, it wasn’t reflecting the most important thing, which were the emotions of those days. It may be more productive to simply put a level of happiness and satisfaction that we each feel towards each other for the day.
Hm, it seems I might be getting my writing back. I think I’ve spent too much time away from home over the last month. Well, I can’t say that I guess. What I lacked in writing I made up for in exercise.
Will says to me:
“While yes the whites are sort of to blame for a lot of things, you should be a little more fair and note that other races are no better. In fact, humanity as a general whole is terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. Overall, the Human Race as a whole is disgusting and yes, they are doomed. Well, we're doomed.
“However, you should take solace! When we're gone, the wounds we've inflicted on this Earth will heal and the scars will fade. The universe will go on without us, as all things are transient and not everlasting. I mean, what do we as people live for? Why do we have this complex mind? This uncanny and unique ability to reason and create? I'll tell you: It's an evolutionary specialization.
“That's it. We can try all we want to justify our existence, but in the end we really are nothing more than animals. The gall that people have in trying to prove that we're more than that disgusts me. Though deadened by millennia of so called "civilization" our instincts are still there. Every murder, every sexual assault, every corrupt act of greed, every single terrible thing imagineable can all be broken down to instinct. The same can be said for the "good" that we do. In the end it's a dressed up desire to ensure the survival of our race as a whole that we care for one another.
“But hey, you know what? I like being human. I like being this animal that tries so, so hard to justify why it exists alone in a vast nothingness where the very laws of physics ensure that we will NEVER venture beyond the edge of our Solar System.”
I can agree for the most part. I do take solace in the world healing itself after we’ve screwed ourselves out of existence. I want to be everlasting and to be remembered, but the probability is that I won’t be for more than a few blinks in the time line, so why should I sorrow for that? Most important is that after I die I remember this lifetime and say that I did well under my circumstances.
“The only thing with enough power to change the world is money. You can either get rid of it, or somehow come into control of vast quantities of it. Either way, so long as there is money and the minority of people that control the vast portion of it, nothing will change,” Will tells me.
I suppose I agree with that to a large degree. Though love has much more power, it can’t work on a large scale like money can, and money can encourage love by providing the right environment.
“There needs to be a vast force that transcends the material. Without that, mankind is doomed. Plain and simple,” Will says.
“I'd say it's much deeper than that,” I counter. “More important than the money itself is the intelligence and compassion of the person who is obtaining it. Unfortunately , compassionate people have no reason to go out of their way to become rich. Compassionate people may as well start a family and love their family and children and act as a good husband by not working too much. It takes a certain level of heartlessness to become filthy rich. That's why it's filthy to be so rich.”
It’s one-twenty in the morning now, and Crusipher and I are settling down in to watch the fourth episode of eleven lied. Mott recommended this anime to me, and so far it seems really awesome. It’s very graphic, both sexually and violently, but that’s just a plus to a seemingly good plot. Not that I know much about the plot yet, mostly at this point I know the premise and the basis for the main characters.
It’s three-twenty-one in the morning now. Crusipher and I watched three episodes of Elven Lied. I’m not sure what we’re going to do now, probably talk and then sleep. I’d like to have sex, but we’ve already done that twice today and I wouldn’t want to risk getting sore. He seems to think I never want to have sex with him. *sigh* It’s kinda hard to be thrilled every time when it’s at least once a day that we have sex. At least I don’t have to worry about a lack of that in my life!
What I find interesting is the increasing number of women who can’t get laid these days. I know at least four guys that I can think of off the top of my head that are with girls that want to have sex with them all the time who they barely have sex with because they’re “not a machine” or “need the upper hand” or aren’t “that needy” or some other handful of excuses I’ve heard. I, thankfully, have a sex machine.
Mott,
You say I spend too much time on the mundane and not enough on the major stuff. The problem is, mundane things have to happen and major stuff doesn’t. This house needs about 700,000 hours of cleaning, and if I don’t start putting in more hours on getting it done, it will never be done and my mom will waste away the rest of her life not getting anywhere and her and I will never spend any quality time together and her things won’t get sorted until she dies. I’m starting myself out with an hour to three hours a day getting things done in the area of the house that is mostly her domain. Then I still need to put in at least half an hour cleaning my domain, which includes my bathroom.
After cleaning, I like to read for half and hour to an hour to relax and readjust my mind again. After that, it’s time to get to some creative work. Either drawing, editing or designing. (Over simplified, but then.) After two or three hours of that it’s time for lunch (I forgot to mention breakfast happening before and during the cleaning time.) Let’s be generous and say Breakfast and Lunch together take up one hour. There are only so many hours in the day, as we all know. Everyday I write, if not an entry, then an e-mail or an instant message or a post to forum or a poem or a on a story, and that is generally for about an hour. Let’s see, cleaning 2hrs, reading 1hr, writing 1hr, eating 1hr, creative work 3hrs. We’re up to eight hours now, and none of things mentioned were unproductive. I generally spend the half hour after Crusipher leaves getting dressed and all of that morning stuff and the same for the half hour before he get’s home, bringing us up to nine hours, and he’s only gone for eleven hours. (Ten at work, one in transportation.) Somewhere in the day I lose that last two hours talking to my mom or playing a video game or going grocery shopping, cleaning myself etc. All in all, I think I’m spending my time quite well at the moment.
And now, it’s going on two o’clock, and I’ve spent over an hour writing, so now it’s long since time to clean, eat lunch and then work on my board game.
Saturday, August, 30th 2008 at 11:24pm
I want to tear my hair out. I want to punch something. There is no comfort. There is no fix. Fuck it all to hell. I shouldn’t have bothered keeping myself in check today because what’s it even Motter!
Sunday, August, 31st 2008 at 11:36pm
Twenty-four hours ago I was miserable, as my few short sentences expressed. Crusipher stayed at work on Tuesday night to do a tattoo. On Friday or Saturday night, I forget which, when he got into the neighborhood on his bike, another nigga on bike came at him, and Crusipher didn’t want to stand down, so they “swung off” and the other guy was left on the ground. Crusipher didn’t want to leave to go directly home incase anybody was watching, and yet again didn’t make it home until 4am. And now, last night, his boss and her man took him to a bar. He didn’t make it home until nearly five in the morning.
The first of these three was almost entirely excusable except for one thing; he had asked me that morning to dress up for him, and I had put candles out and everything, so by the time he called me at 11:05pm, I was sitting on the bed waiting expectantly for him, all dressed up. And since he said he’d only be an hour, I waited. I waited until 1:00am to undress and blow out the candles.
The second wasn’t really his fault, but he shouldn’t necessarily engaged in battle with this stranger. What if he had a gun or a knife? What if he’s in a gang and the gang decides to retaliate? So on and so forth. Yet, more disturbing is that this neighborhood is presenting itself very strongly as an unsafe place to be. What’s nuts is that we’re only three blocks away from Richmond, which is a beautiful area with large green lawns, gardens, circular tiny parks, and crisp, clean houses with friendly inhabitants. The one block directly before Richmond is decent, filled with middle class working type people. And the block between that one and ours is pretty bad, and by the time you get to our block it’s drug dealers, gangs, middle school drop outs, hookers and so forth.
Unfortunately it only gets worse in the other direction for the most part. Only going directly from my house to Richmond takes you out of the ghetto in three blocks, every other direction takes five blocks or more. This means that there is no run-around route to get to the house, meaning that every single day he rides his bike through the two blocks of ghetto to the house is another day someone might notice he comes through at the same time every night.
Last night was pretty much inexcusable. He did call to let me know, even though he doesn’t have a phone at the moment. (His phone, which was in terrible condition anyway, disappeared a few days ago. I’ve called to have it turned off and ordered another one out of our savings.) Other than calling me, the only other positive point is that he says with vehemence that he wish he didn’t go. He came home completely wasted. He didn’t even make the least amount of sense and I didn’t bother making any conversation at all. He fell asleep quickly and slept like the dead, all except for his snoring.
Crusipher tells me that he doesn’t want to go out anymore, and that it’s pointless and all of that. Pretty much agreeing with me on all points of the Motter. His hair thinning is a helpful motivation for him, if not our relationship. I think that time, as I’ve hoped in the past, is wearing on him. There is only so long you can deny the truth staring you in the face. There is only so long I can be by his side, supporting him and loving him and doing for him before he has to admit that I am the most loving and compassionate girlfriend a man could ever want.
I’ve concluded from these new developments that not all hope is lost, but that a weary eye and strong shell are still required if I’m to keep my sanity. And even more than that, I must remember caution. Too many arguments have been my fault. Sometimes I’ll express an opinion, and it won’t make sense to him, and instead of backtracking and explaining again in another light, sometimes I take his denial of what I said and get angry that he feels that way, without ever taking the time to realize that we’ve only misunderstood each other.
At the moment he’s playing Final Fantasy 12 on the play station 2 beside me. I’m sitting on the bed too, with the table pulled up close to the bed with my alienware laptop sitting atop it. I prefer this to anything. Only one foot distance between us, easily closed with a lean for a kiss or an affectionate touch, which happens often, initiated by either one of us almost equally.
So many times I’ve almost given up, but some of the key things are called back to me. Why give up if he’s still trying? And he’s definitely been trying these past two or three weeks. Have I mentioned I stopped keeping the chart? The all-knowing chart that lists what days what happened. The chart allowed me to say things like, “hey, you’ve drank twice a week, every week, for four months” and other such things. It also included if he held me at night, if I cooked for him, if I slept naked beside him, if we had sex, if he made me tea, etc.
I kept this chart up for months and months, but you know what? It didn’t help. If anything, it made things worse. At best, it was interesting, and a few times Crusipher looked at it and it helped him realize something, but overall, it wasn’t reflecting the most important thing, which were the emotions of those days. It may be more productive to simply put a level of happiness and satisfaction that we each feel towards each other for the day.
Hm, it seems I might be getting my writing back. I think I’ve spent too much time away from home over the last month. Well, I can’t say that I guess. What I lacked in writing I made up for in exercise.
Will says to me:
“While yes the whites are sort of to blame for a lot of things, you should be a little more fair and note that other races are no better. In fact, humanity as a general whole is terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. Overall, the Human Race as a whole is disgusting and yes, they are doomed. Well, we're doomed.
“However, you should take solace! When we're gone, the wounds we've inflicted on this Earth will heal and the scars will fade. The universe will go on without us, as all things are transient and not everlasting. I mean, what do we as people live for? Why do we have this complex mind? This uncanny and unique ability to reason and create? I'll tell you: It's an evolutionary specialization.
“That's it. We can try all we want to justify our existence, but in the end we really are nothing more than animals. The gall that people have in trying to prove that we're more than that disgusts me. Though deadened by millennia of so called "civilization" our instincts are still there. Every murder, every sexual assault, every corrupt act of greed, every single terrible thing imagineable can all be broken down to instinct. The same can be said for the "good" that we do. In the end it's a dressed up desire to ensure the survival of our race as a whole that we care for one another.
“But hey, you know what? I like being human. I like being this animal that tries so, so hard to justify why it exists alone in a vast nothingness where the very laws of physics ensure that we will NEVER venture beyond the edge of our Solar System.”
I can agree for the most part. I do take solace in the world healing itself after we’ve screwed ourselves out of existence. I want to be everlasting and to be remembered, but the probability is that I won’t be for more than a few blinks in the time line, so why should I sorrow for that? Most important is that after I die I remember this lifetime and say that I did well under my circumstances.
“The only thing with enough power to change the world is money. You can either get rid of it, or somehow come into control of vast quantities of it. Either way, so long as there is money and the minority of people that control the vast portion of it, nothing will change,” Will tells me.
I suppose I agree with that to a large degree. Though love has much more power, it can’t work on a large scale like money can, and money can encourage love by providing the right environment.
“There needs to be a vast force that transcends the material. Without that, mankind is doomed. Plain and simple,” Will says.
“I'd say it's much deeper than that,” I counter. “More important than the money itself is the intelligence and compassion of the person who is obtaining it. Unfortunately , compassionate people have no reason to go out of their way to become rich. Compassionate people may as well start a family and love their family and children and act as a good husband by not working too much. It takes a certain level of heartlessness to become filthy rich. That's why it's filthy to be so rich.”
It’s one-twenty in the morning now, and Crusipher and I are settling down in to watch the fourth episode of eleven lied. Mott recommended this anime to me, and so far it seems really awesome. It’s very graphic, both sexually and violently, but that’s just a plus to a seemingly good plot. Not that I know much about the plot yet, mostly at this point I know the premise and the basis for the main characters.
It’s three-twenty-one in the morning now. Crusipher and I watched three episodes of Elven Lied. I’m not sure what we’re going to do now, probably talk and then sleep. I’d like to have sex, but we’ve already done that twice today and I wouldn’t want to risk getting sore. He seems to think I never want to have sex with him. *sigh* It’s kinda hard to be thrilled every time when it’s at least once a day that we have sex. At least I don’t have to worry about a lack of that in my life!
What I find interesting is the increasing number of women who can’t get laid these days. I know at least four guys that I can think of off the top of my head that are with girls that want to have sex with them all the time who they barely have sex with because they’re “not a machine” or “need the upper hand” or aren’t “that needy” or some other handful of excuses I’ve heard. I, thankfully, have a sex machine.
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