Reading & Writing

Thursday, June 19th 2008 at 6:06pm


Talking about things that I have read is pretty much silly. That probably sounds like the dumbest thing I ever said since all we can really talk about that is interesting is things we’ve read or heard. If you saw it on TV, it’s probably not half as interesting... What I mean to say is, talking about the things I’ve read on the internet, when you could read them yourself from the original source is silly. I rest my argument about health on the following: Dr. Mark Hyman has thousands of testimonials to his case, as well as being a legitimate doctor who has written somewhere around seven successful books. As I’ve said a zillion times, his advice that I read online caused me to loose thirty pounds, to sleep more soundly, to have more energy, and got rid of a terrible painful chronic burping in combination with stomach aches.

While I stress high fructose corn syrup as the bad guy, the truth is, that there is a very intricate balance to our body which only can be understood through a lot of testing and examining. And Dr. Mark Hyman has done the testing and examining required to “prove” his points. In addition, he’s broken down his experiences in such a way that they’re easy to read on his online blog. He’s founded the Ultra Wellness Foundation and the practices used there work. Yes, for some people sugar is not a relevant issue in their life, but every single one of us has a different chemical make-up and that’s what functional-medicine is all about: finding the root cause for the individual and not just giving them a diagnoses. However, sugar, aspartame and hydrogenated oils do not hold nutritional value for any human being on the planet. Things like pasta and milk I believe can be “bad” or “good” depending on the chemical make-up, diet and lifestyle of the person consuming them, which is why I don’t simply say things like “quit dairy, gluten, grains, and all forms of sugar including cane sugar!” because that is only necessary for some people. Since I’m not qualified to judge which people those are, I repeat, read what Dr. Mark Hyman has to say for yourself.





Jeff,

Having a reading list on your blog is an awesome idea. My list would be MUCH shorter, but nevertheless, I'm considering making one. It's great that you've read so many books, and even better that it's such a good selection. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I hope to see you again. (I didn't check your list too throughly, I just read a few titles. But if you have not read any books by Joan Grant... Well, you should. Out of all the books I've read, none are more astonishing in their creation, and even more amazing in their deep wisdom that is simply lost on the modern world.)

My favorite authors are Joan Grant, Carol Berg and Erica Jong. I've actually not done much vampire reading. The older I get the more I shy away from anything bloody, but then again, Carol Berg writes some very intense combat scenes...

Good luck to your health. Aspartame has caused people brain damage in the past. No kidding. Some people it's not so dramatic in effect and gives "mild" pains. For me, artificial sugars give me serious leg cramps that keep me from sleeping. I once accidentally ate yogurt that had splenda in it every day for a week. One the second day the pain started on got worse every day. I didn't figure out until the yogurt ran out and when the pain stopped completely three days after it had run out. Needless to say, I'm against all sugars unless it naturally milled cane sugar (which should be in moderation) and honey (which should also be in moderation). And I only eat either of the two when I'm using it to make something very healthy tasty too. Like tea or organic granola.

I hope to hear from you again.




Angel writes me:


Hey Atara,


Sorry it took awhile for me to respond but I went to go visit my aunt for awhile. While I was at my aunt’s house, I was telling her all about you. I told her that I really wanted to be able to go visit you and to just meet you. I think you should know that I really love receiving emails from you; it always makes my day better in a hundred small ways. I also feel like you’re my long lost sister. Don’t worry you won’t ever lose me… I have to admit I feel the way you do when it comes to your friend Marie from California. I feel that when we meet, I won’t make a good impression on you then you’ll leave me alone and I’ll be sitting here wondering what I did wrong of if there was anything wrong with me. I hate that thought; I try not to think about it but it’s difficult to push aside… yeah I know what you mean when you say we’re on the same wave length. Every time I read your past entries, it just feels like I’m you when you were younger or something (Of course, I wasn’t as “wild” as you are.) It’s crazy but cool.

While I was at my aunt’s house, I was eating foods that I wouldn’t normally eat like tacos, chocolate cake, ice-cream, chips, gum and slushy drinks. And I swear every time I finished eating, I would get an incurable headache that lasted all throughout the day. Also every morning I would awake with the most painful stomachache ever. I would lie there in bed holding my stomach, on the verge of tears, trying to ignore the physical pain. I’m still eating the foods that I wouldn’t normally eat because I haven’t gone shopping yet and I don’t want to starve myself. So I guess I’m hurting myself by eating these ugly foods because I don’t want to starve. Does that make sense? Here’s a strange fact about me, whenever I get a headache, I’ll go obtain me some type of fruit (mostly apples) and the pain occasionally fades away…..

*sigh*
When I read your most recent entry about My boyfriend’s “two sides” I said to myself, “Wow, that’s how I feel.” I had an emotional breakdown yesterday evening. I was texting my ex and I told him something which got him mad and upset. He responded to me with an accusation of liking his friend and saying that he had to go or whatever and so I told him “Well, I guess this is it.” He immediately replied with “What do you mean this is it?” He continuously kept texting me but I never responded. I just sprawled onto my bed crying… I felt like I lost a friend or something. I laid there drowned in my own tears and at the same time this voice in my head kept saying, “Angel, don’t cry. Wipe your tears, this will all pass by.” I sat up on the bed and thought about it, trying to fight the feeling that I felt. I kept crying but then the voice inside my head said, “Get up and look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you’re crying.” So I did just that and it was very strange. I felt like I was two persons trapped inside one body. One side of me wanted to cry; that side of me was recklessly cursing, asking “why” and saying that I hated my ex. The other side of me was calm; that side of me was reassuring myself that this is nothing to cry over and it was also saying, “I don’t hate Darren but I wish I could.” …. I was also nearly screaming to God; saying “God, you’re my life. People say if God is in your life, you won’t feel lonely anymore and your problems will vanish. But I can’t bring myself to believe that right now. God, if you’re in my life then why do I feel so lonely all the time? Why do I feel so misunderstood and confused still? I’m not supposed to be this girl anymore!!!” I sounded all crazy but somehow I managed to take one last glance at myself in the mirror and promise myself not to cry. It was a very traumatic episode……

Ohh and about my ex: I asked him (before I got him mad) if I didn’t give him the second chance, if he would quit speaking with me. He said, he would still talk with me but he’d feel stupid. That made me feel great but after what happened (me saying “this is it”) I don’t think he’d be willing to speak with me and even if he did, it wouldn’t be the same. I know for a fact that he’d act differently and it would be uncomfortable. I’m beginning to believe like everyone else when they say that keeping contact with an ex is simply impossible. I don’t want to be like that though. I want to be his friend. I really do but ….. I don’t know. Most of the time I tell myself that I won’t go back to him because he hasn’t change and other times I tell myself “Just give it another shot. You’re young, it’s not like you’re going to marry the guy.” I guess this would also be another example of my “two sides.” It’s like my logical side is constantly feuding with my reckless side. I’m not reckless but my thoughts are. (If that makes any sense) I like the fact that you pointed out the whole “he may have self-control issues” because I’ve been trying to point that out that but I could never find the right way to explain it. I think that his thoughts have shifted a bit but his actions will remain the same. That’s what I also told him and he said, “Well, I know I changed. I know some things before that I didn’t know.” I asked him what he meant by that and he said that he felt unsure when we were together because he didn’t know if I really liked him and he felt like a mess-around. Honestly, that makes sense to me……..


Thursday, June 19th 2008 at 7:35pm


Angel,

Perhaps we are sisters. Just because we’re not sisters of the flesh doesn’t mean we’re not sisters in spirit, right?

People are all many-sided. I think that’s something we grow to accept more and more starting at puberty. I used to feel like I had about four different parts of myself constantly fighting. For most people I think this is rooted in conflicting wants. This sense of having multiple selves was the most dramatic for me in 2004 when I wrote a short series of “splitpersonality” entries expressing my different points of view as though they were different people.

I had the part of me that was rather slutty, and constantly horny. That part of me was very carefree and very open to drugs and experimentation and loved to party, flirt, have sex, and toy with men. I believe I called her Persilla. Then, there was Layla, the part of me that wanted to be loved, and didn’t want to stray from my morals and wanted to make real friends and to read and indulge in art and reading and self expression. Then there was the very depressed side of me, the cynical part that would claim the entire argument was madness and that sex and love were both temporary, and that life was temporary and that I’d never be satisfied and that life was just a ball of shit. Okay, so that’s only three, not four, but I found that often when I had an “important” decision to make I’d find that I could identify with two to four sides of the argument and wouldn’t know where to turn.

Questioning yourself is healthy in my opinion. Doubting yourself however, is not healthy. Recognizing our inner duality is wise, letting that duality actually tear us into two people or more is insanity, literally. I find that I feel less and less like I have two sides to a point. Generally I can question my own motives until I find my most inner belief that is deeper than my two external thoughts.

For example, you want to hate Darren, but you also want to love Darren, but you also want Darren out of your life, but you also don’t want to have to let him out of your life, am I right? These seem like contradictions, but deep down, you know better. These are not contradictions. You want to hate Darren because you love Darren. You don’t want to love Darren because he’s hurt you and you believe he will continue to hurt you in the future, and for this reason you want him out of your life. But because you love him, you still wish you could keep some sort of contact with him. And as much as it sucks to know and hear, it’s common. I’ve been there, along with many other thousands of people. What isn’t common is being able to make sound judgement on the situation, and I’m not saying I’m one to do so.

I read the “I like you because...” chain-mail letter. It’s cute I suppose. Sort of like buying a card for someone that one thousand other people have already bought and given to someone... I like writing my own personal messages. Not that I object to receiving cards that thousands of others have received, just that I mind sending them myself. I like you because you’re open to new ideas, because I see myself in you, because I believe you have a strong will, a powerful heart and that you’re beautiful on the inside (though I can’t speak for you outside since I never saw it, lol) and I also believe that you’re going to brighten a lot of lives with your spark throughout your lifetime. I like you because you’re willing to give and to get, and so many of us can only do one or the other. I find it’s hard to talk to anybody who can talk and listen just as well.

My Mom knows all that I know about you, and she says she’d love to have you over for a month this summer. A whole freaking month! I said that a month might scare you away, and that your parents would probably never allow it, and that it might be difficult financially for everyone. But I thought I’d let you know that you have her invite for an entire month. I personally think a week is more reasonable for a first visit, and I don’t want us to tread on each other’s toes on our first meeting.

My mother wants to provide you with air-fare and everything, but that’s pie in the sky because she can’t even afford to fix our car at the moment! So, speaking from what I know about our financial limitations, I can say that if you can find the money for air-fare, and enough pocket-change to feel comfortable while you’re here that we’ll pick you up from the air port, provide your meals, your bed, and your entertainment. All you need after that is your parent’s permission.

One last detail is that we plan on going to the SFX convention at the end of August. This is an amazing convention and it takes place in Toronto. Tickets are $50 each, and I think we could afford to take you along (in terms of bed & transportation) for another $50. I don’t know your parent’s financial situation, but if we met prior to then, like perhaps in July, then you might decide you want to return soon for another week or so, and if you could afford $100 extra, then you could come on the last week of August and come to SFX with us. (Us means My boyfriend, me and my mother, my Dad has no preference for going.)

I imagine that you staying here would mean you using my futon, which is perfectly comfortable, since I used to use it as my bed, until I switched the two futons. (One is always up in couch position and the other is always down in bed position. I could simply put the “couch” one down at night for you.) This would mean very little privacy for both of us for the week, which is another reason why I think a week is more reasonable for a first visit since it might be hard to be that personal with me the first time you meet me for such an extended period of time.

If My boyfriend decides to be your friend too (which may be a little difficult because he’s so quiet and distant to people he doesn’t know) then you may find that he’ll offer to pay your way to come with us to SFX and such. But I can’t make that offer in his name, which is another reason why I think you should come down for a week sometime in the near future. I hope we can become like sisters in the flesh sometime soon, and not just in the spirit.

Love,

Phoenix


Friday, June 20th 2008 at 10:15pm


How blessed this day is to not be too hot or too cold. How wonderful it is to have running hot water! How ordinary these two things are, and how completely ignored those things were yesterday. Today however they were overly appreciated, because otherwise I would have suffered much more the monthly torture we so blithely call “cramps” as if that could ever describe the feeling!

Back when I was on birth control I thought it was just awful to have something akin to a stomachache crossed with abdominal cramps and gas pains for several hours every other month. I didn’t know the meaning of “cramps” then, because then the term “cramps” was quite adequate a description of the womanly hardship.

Now I know what I would have gone through the past ten years if I had not been on birth control for eight of them. Cramps are not just in the abdominal region, but also within your thighs, and then your calves, and so deeply rooted in your bowels that you never stop feeling like you have to take a dump. I spent almost two hours on the toilet today with my entire floor-length thick-fuzzy bathroom wadded up on top of my thighs pressed to my stomach, hunched over constantly feeling on the verge of vomiting, with waves of goose-bumps that felt more like needle-pricks which very quickly escalates into a headache from all the contortions I’ve been putting my face in.

It wasn’t long before I decided that “drastic action” was necessary. And by which I mean that I swallowed three calcium tablets (with magnesium and zinc added) and ate a package of rice crisps while hiding under a large pile of blankets... At least from the waist down. From the waist up I’ve actually been rather hot all day, but not as hot as I would have been had it been like on of those days out of last week...

Drastic action was carried from pills and crisps to a very hot bath. This many sound quite ordinary to most anyone, but I actually can’t stand truly hot water on most occasions. I don’t generally like hot-tubs unless they are warm-tubs in disguise. My mother claims I bathe in luke-warm water, almost cool water. I find my mother’s dish-washing water to be hotter than I can stand. However, there are times when nothing but very hot water will due, and this was one of those times.

I spent four hours in the tub, almost three of which I spent reading the exciting mid-chapters of second far-memory book by Joan Grant in the Egyptian tale of Ra-ab. One of the two books is called the Eyes of Horus but I can’t remember if it’s the one I’m reading now, or the first one. Perhaps the other is called the Watchers of the Horizon. It’s truly a must-read, even more so than the Earth’s Children series by Jean Auel, and even more so Fear of Flying by Erica Jong. Yes, there is much wisdom in those books, but it is completely in the shadow of the underlying wisdom to be learned from Joan Grant’s past lives, and I’m sure I will read her books again and again in the future.

My hair is still wet from my adventure into the hot depths of the tub-water, and I’m feeling quite better now. The long soak resulted in very smooth and clean skin which I’m rather unaccustomed to. Months without a working bath-tub this summer, and a couple without hot water all-together compiled with my childhood notion that washing wasn’t really mandatory hasn’t done the best for my skin. Yet, time has shown me the light in the soap and hot water! Alas, I digress...

Look, an entire entry without anything to say about Crusifer. The quiet audience is the happy one, for the talkative one doesn’t pay attention and the loud one is disrespectful, if you get my drift.

Correlation and Causation

Saturday, June 14th 2008 at 8:18pm

I desperately want to see “So Moses Was Born,” and “Eyes of Horus,” by Joan Grant turned into movies. What incredible books! Never mind the fact that they’re true, see through her visions into her past lives. Aside from that, they’re amazing stories that capture truth outside of just the events. Truth is within the very characters and morals expressed in these incredible stories!

I’ve been thinking I need to write letters. Not the ordinary sort of letters you send to friends in family, but letters with my ideas. I should write movie producers about what books should be turned into movies and why. I should write talk-show hosts about why they should have Dr. Mark Hyman as a guest. (I wrote Tyra today to say that she should invite Dr. Mark Hyman onto her show to empower people with the ability to change their health, their life and their outlook.) I should write more game companies with my gaming ideas. It couldn’t hurt, and there are only so many letters you can write and get no response. If I really stuck to doing such a thing, and sent out at least one letter a week, maybe two, I’m bound to start seeing at least some tiny percentage of my ideas go into action, and who gives a damn if I make any money off it or not!

Monday, June 16th 2008 at 6:16pm

Nathan,

All of my beliefs are either based on personal experience or things that I’ve read. Not to say that any of my beliefs are not outlandish, because I know that many of them are. For example, believing that Jesus was born from the father Gabriel, or should I say, an Anunaki, a. k. a Niphliem, or simply put, “an alien.” Yes, I know, this seems entirely crazy, but there is a good amount of research behind it. Read the books written by Zachariah Sitchin.

In terms of High Fructose Corn Syrup, I’ve read about twenty different articles about it. Some were sent through my e-mail, some were in magazines and some were on the internet. Many of them were inconclusive articles saying that there was no research to prove anything, and others, in direct opposition said that there were studies, just that these studies were not acknowledged by the government. There are several explanations (that I’ve read, not that I’ve made up) as to why the government lies about what we should eat. (For example, the food pyramid is a complete lie, because pasta should be extremely limited as it holds little nutritional value and causes tendencies towards many chronic illnesses.)

Out of the number of reasons why the government ignores medical known facts, the most logical explanation is that the sugar and pasta industries pay them off. This happens to be the explanation I’ve read and heard the most, and though I couldn’t site my source, I’m almost positive I’ve read somewhere that there was evidence of such.

A great deal of digging won’t uncover anything the government doesn’t want you to know very successfully. Magazines like Reader’s Digest will only say things that won’t get them in trouble, so when talking about things like high fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils they side step any evidence not acclaimed by the... Whatever the three letters are that represent the government’s food control association. NFA? National Food Administration? I think that’s what it is. Anyway, over the past four years I’d say I’ve read about ten articles accusing them NFA of blatantly lying about new research because they were paid to lie about it.

For example, scientists reported that there is NO safe about of hydrogenated oils in your body, and yet the NFA set a “safe amount” that can be used in foods. On top of that, if there is a very small amount used, the product can claim to have “no trans fats,” which is why you should always read the ingredients and not rely on silly statements like “low fat” and “no trans fats” and “sugar free” which are all lies in one way or another.

Aspartame is also known to be completely unfit for consumption. It’s known to have chemical effects in the body that are downright toxic. If I remember correctly, it turns to “wood alcohol” in lame-man’s terms, which is also used in rat poison. Correct me on this one if you can find evidence to state otherwise. Perhaps I read that it was something else that we eat that is also in rat poison – like the stuff in cigarettes? In any case, aspartame is toxic.

In the case of margarine, which has been said to be “healthier” than butter for several dozen years, it’s been uncovered that margarine is only molecule away from being plastic. On top of this, it does not decompose, any animals and bugs won’t eat it. It’s been shown to clog arteries. On top of that, butter has shown to be loaded with healthy cholesterol which actually helps to unclog arteries. And in addition to the things I’ve read about butter and margarine I have my mom as living proof. My mother and her family has never had any cholesterol problems at all. And guess what they eat? Butter, butter and more butter!

My mother, by herself, goes through about two sticks of butter in a week. As a household of five, where four of us use the same kitchen and eat from the same butter supply, we go through about a stick and a half of butter a day, and none of us have cholesterol problems. This would seem to be another blatant lie on the part of the NFA or whom-ever is in control of telling us what’s good for us and what isn’t.

Now, not that Dr. Mark Hyman talks about conspiracies, or about the NFA very much, he does tell his patients not to eat any refined sugar, hydrogenated oils, or alternative sugars. He also has his patients come off all their medications (very slowly and at a safe rate.) He tells his patients to quit all white flour, sugar, and things containing gluten for a period of time and slowly reintroduces things into their diet to discover potential minor-food-allergies that are not recognized in America’s traditional medical facilities.

Dr. Mark Hyman has also revealed that high levels of mercury are in our sea food, and high levels of steroids are in our meat, which make foods that would be good for us, toxic instead. He says that while many of could deal with these toxins in our body, we can’t with our current diets because the vitamins that fuel our anti-toxins are in foods that most people don’t eat enough of to count.

Dr. Mark Hyman does not claim that high fructose corn syrup doesn’t leave the intestines. I recall reading that particular fact in an article that was sent to me via e-mail, and then confirming it since then on one or two websites. This information (if deemed true) would be hard to get a hold of because eighty-percent or so of everything in a regular grocery store contains corn syrup! These companies would do anything to prevent that information from spreading.

Some people claim that it’s a conspiracy to kill of the elderly. I think that is nonsense, and have not incorporated that claim into my belief system because of one simple fact. They don’t use high fructose corn syrup for any reason other than the fact that it’s cheap. How cheap? I don’t know, but I do know that whole-sale soda is about 5 cents a can, and one or two of those cents, perhaps three of those cents are used on the can itself. That means the actual contents are just about worthless: high fructose corn syrup, water, artificial and natural flavorings and coloring.

What’s really disgusting is that soda can claim to be “all natural” just by taking out artificial flavorings. This, by law of transitivity means that they’re telling us that high fructose corn syrup is “natural” which it isn’t. It may come from natural sugar, but sugar was never meant to be refined three or four times and then eaten or drank in mass amounts. And we can prove that it was not meant to be eaten or drank in any amount by a simple study that anyone can do.

For anyone who does not drink beverages with high fructose corn syrup, try drinking one of those beverages every day for a month. I bet you’ll gain twenty pounds, and if your moltabolism is high enough that you don’t, I bet you’ll find at least one of the following to be true: you’re reluctant to stop drinking the beverage (evidence of it’s addictive qualities), you’re having headaches, you have trouble sleeping or getting up, you have less energy, you alternate between being hyper and tired, you’re less happy about your life, you crave more food or sweets than previously, or you have issues using the bathroom.

For anyone who does drink beverages with high fructose corn syrup, try not drinking any of these beverages for one month. You may lose twenty pounds or more, or find that any of the previously listed symptoms go away.

That particular study has most certainly been done a number of times. While they’ve found no direct connection to weight loss there are always improvements. The reason that not all people lose weight when cutting out high fructose corn syrup can be accounted for in more ways than I can list. They may be lacking in a number of necessary vitamins. They may have stress issues that are reflecting on the bodies. It may be age related, and it may be a combination of all of those together. It can even be a direct result of toxicity.

And I can guarantee you that I’ve not made one bit of this up, nor have I taken any one person’s word on it, unless it was Dr. Mark Hyman, because I’ve never found a single thing that he wrote or said to be untrue. Through his writing I learned enough to lose thirty pounds and get rid of continual stomach pains, burping, chest pains, and other afflictions which I have already previously gone into detail about.

In regards to all the other claims I made, they are founded either in personal experience or in things that I’ve read or both, just as the things I say about health. The real bottom line is, however, that evidence is a tricky thing to measure. While correlation is not necessarily causation, it generally still implies relation. While high fructose corn syrup may not be the worst thing for you to eat (though I believe that it’s the second-worst after aspartame), and while it may not mean that you gain weight, and it may not effect your health for years, the fact of the matter is, that there is a strong relation between the level of health your experience and that of how much refined sugar you eat.

I find this to be true everywhere I go. I find that people with bad skin or with weight problems or both reveal large sugar consumption in nine out of ten people. I met an elderly woman who got pimples and drank a lot of soda. Just last week I met a man who was around three hundred and fifty pounds by the looks of him, and in my presence he ate around thirty Hershey-kisses. My mother has a friend who has every health problem you can name, including being very obese and having severe back pains, and she eats sugar all day long in the form of chocolate, soda and candy. She won’t eat much salt however, and worries about her sodium intake. Her doctors tell her to worry about salt, sodium and cholesterol, but say nothing about sugar. Does this not seem like lies?

Carlos’s mother, a good friend of this woman as similar problems and a similar diet. My brother is diabetic and his diet is similar. The less sugar he eats, the more weight he loses, but he’s so addicted to it (and admits that he is) that it’s hard for him to cut back. His wife has all the same health issues and eats the same diet.

My other brother however doesn’t eat much sugar at all, but he does eat a lot of “fats” and a lot of meats and other things people claim are so terrible, and he maintains a healthy weight. His ex-wife eats similarly and she is in great shape.

I could go on and on and on with people I know who eat sugar and have health problems. Ari, a girl I went to girl-scouts with is always tired, overweight and have dramatic mood swings, and her diet contains sugared beverages, pastas and other non-nutrient containing foods. Angel, a male guy friend (not the chick I talk to by e-mail), has just lost a ton of weight, (around seventy pounds) and he did it by taking my advice to stop drinking soda. If you want to say this is a coincidence, go ahead, but might I remind you Nathan, that for all the time I’ve known you you’ve been overweight and have had pretty unhealthy-looking skin on your arms.

I rest my case.

Pros & Cons & Tattoo Shop on the News

Wednesday, May 7th 2008 at 8:55pm

Angel,

I've been thinking about you quite a bit today. I realized that you're the closest thing to a friend I have right now. You cared enough about what I was saying to look up the Gwen video and youtube and watch it. I don't think I know anyone else who ever has the time to care that much, and even if they did, they still wouldn't. I feel like the world is ignoring me. My blog readers are disappearing. My parents don't treat me like a kid, or pay attention to me like other either, and have stepped back to let me do as I please. Crusifer has so little time for me. I feel isolated. Though most of our e-mails from the beginning were me playing the older and wiser girl with more relationship experience, you were helping me as much as I was helping you. Being able to pass on my newly learned relationship experiences to you has given me validation and an added outlet for my emotions and even another excuse to write down my thoughts and feelings. And I think all women can identify with needing emotional outlets and excuses to write down how they really feel.

I feel really heart sick today and I'm not really sure why. I think I feel alone, but I'm not sure. But thinking about you makes me feel like someone out there cares. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you writing me back time and time again, and keeping contact over so much time. Perhaps someday we'll really meet (and then runaway from everyone and start a new life somewhere far away from the mean, cruel world).

Love Phoenix

Wednesday, May 7th 2008 at 11:32pm

I want to stick a fork through his ear. I shouldn’t be too surprised. He can’t go one week without breaking a promise. He can’t go one week without saying I’m full of shit. He can’t keep one compromise for one week. He can’t quit drinking for me. I’m not worth it to him, and he’s starting to look less and less worth it to me. I had (foolishly) given him back his ring Sunday, way to early. I meant to take it back from him that night, but he was so delighted that I couldn’t. Now I feel like an idiot.

He hasn’t called once today. I called him three times in a row at 11:15pm and he finally answered on the third time. He sounded distinctly drunk. He told me he was already home (at least that was what it sounded like) and that he’d see me in a minute. I went downstairs and walked outside and he most certainly was not there. I called back about six times, no answer, just like the rest of the day.

Now I pretty certain that he’s been out, and not at work. That he didn’t come home to me like he said. Forget working on our office together as we had planned. Forget rejoicing about finally having a tub that works... Oh here he is.

Oh that makes me so mad. He walks in, grabs money, and waltzs back out without a hug or anything and he reeks of alcohol. My chest is vibrating so intensely I can damn near hear it. I want to crush his skull. It might not be officially over for quite some time, but I can tell, at the heart of it, it’s over. Clearly, his actions out-weigh his words, and his actions spell inconsideration, and a serious lack of compassion.

I’m too pissed to even be upset. Betrayed. How could I have given my heart to another ass hole? How could I have fallen in love with another guy who can only break my heart over and over? Is it so blissful to sit beside him drawing that I can endure this? In the moment of agony, who can ever believe there was ever happiness? Happiness is like a passing dream that you must wake from. And when in the mist of such blissful contentment, who can believe the past sorrows were anything but nightmares you had yet to overcome?

Is it better to balance my pain by remembering my happiness? And to balance my happiness remember my pain? Wouldn’t it be hypocritical to only remember happy times when you’re sad?

Thursday, May 8th 2008 at 2:00am

1:51am

Me: How is your life going?

Miruna: Rather well. Yours?

Me: Mine was going rather well and still is. All except for my relationship.... Which seems to be crumbling around the edges.

Miruna: Oh?

Me: You still with that girl you were with the last time I spoke to you?

Miruna: Yes. Things are going well. She has taken a position as a contributing editor in the local paper.

Me: That's awesome. I'm glad to hear your life is looking up, when we first spoke you seemed to be in a rough patch in life.

Miruna: Life is rough. But I am prepared for that roughness.

Me: Heh, I hear you there. I'm preparing myself for heart-break, falling in love and repeat. Since that seems to be my two year pattern. I'm at a year and a half right now. And I'm ironically feeling about the same way I did last time I was 1 year and a half into a relationship....
Miruna: Perhaps you should change the pattern.

Me: What? By leaving him six months early? Or by marrying him? Or by staying single and forgetting about men? By turning to women? (kidding, kidding... actually, I suppose I'm more serious than I actually sound... come to think of it.)

Miruna: How do you mean?

Me: I mean I'm seriously considering all of those things mentioned to break the pattern. I'm also considering the fact that this pattern might not be as bad as I think. I've learned a lot from each of these relationships. It's just the break-up that sucks. And I feel like I can't save this one, even though I'm still trying to.

Miruna: Do you want to save it?

Me: Yes, badly, but I feel like I want this more than he does. Either I want it more, or I just know how to show it more.

Miruna: Men generally need to feel useful and needed. This is not always convenient if someone cares about a man, but is independent and does not need anything. Ideally, people in a relationship should not actually need each other, otherwise one of them will eventually resent the other since they have little choice but to be together.
If you want to continue your relationship with him, you might find ways of either showing him how much you need him [if that's true] or hiding how little you need him [if that's true].

Me: He's just so unromantic. And on top of it, he's not the most talkative either. Even with so much in common it's hard to make a relationship without romance and more constructive conversation. >>I've tried showing him how much I need him, in fact, I couldn't help but show him because I get so emotional about everything. I thought things were improving ever since then, but today I'm not so sure. I think he's falling back on how much I need him, and using it as an excuse to not improve our relationship... But I'm not sure how to not need a man... It's a bad habit of mine...

Miruna: There are different ways to express need. Speech does not seem like his strong suit. Try showing him without words. Perhaps simply needing him for transportation might help, or 'getting a headache' or other minor ill that he could try to remedy. The point is largely to give him a goal to work towards, having him do something, and letting him know that it worked. Or, you could address your need for men generally. I do not need women. I enjoy the company and friendship of a particular woman, but if we could no longer be together, I would manage well enough, and would likely remain single until I found another person whose company I enjoyed.

Me: I think the other way around must be what this relationship needs. Because I do rely on him for my aches and pains and transportation... Perhaps my dependancy is unattractive to him on a subconscious level? He always says to me that he wants me as I am. It's really me who is dissatisfied with him I guess. And that's what makes me mad, is that I feel like I'm the one whose being cheated, and I feel like I put mor effort into the relationship.

Miruna: Unlike men, women want to see evidence of sacrifice, of someone giving something up for them. He does not seem to sacrifice enough for your preference. He might be unaware that you want him to sacrifice something, or if he is, he might not know how much you want him to sacrifice. Or he might simply be unwilling to sacrifice much. It seems that if you want to preserve your relationship under those conditions, you can do two things, and they are not exclusive of each other, so you should try both. Firstly, you could find a way to let him know both that you want him to give something up and that he hasn't given up enough. Words might be a bad idea for this, so find some other way to give him the message. Secondly - and this will be hard - you could find a way to reduce your desire for him to sacrifice for you. Then his current level of sacrifice will hopefully prove sufficient.

Me: I find it miraculous (and comforting) that you're telling me to take the steps that I have taken. I have told him all that i want him to sacrafice explicitly -- drinking is the main one. Also, I want him to keep his promises. He never does what he says he's going to do and this drives me crazy. I had proposed to him about six months ago, when things got worse about a week ago I took the engagement ring away from him. That got the message pretty clear. But tonight he did all the things he promised not to. On the second note though, you're right, that is really hard

Miruna: It is also guaranteed to work.

Me: I've considered that, and I have compromised with him to point where I feel like I'm cutting off my nose. I told him he could go out Fridays and Saturdays as long as he wanted, on two conditions, that he spend his day off with me and that he stop drinking. And he said that was fine, but hasn't stuck to it at all. Compromise is not what it seems. Compromise [where you give up something to get something] gets an unfairly good reputation because it sounds like it should fix everyone's problems, but it cannot. It just shifts problems around, make some big problems medium-sized, and some small problems medium-sized. It does not make things better.

Me: That is a really good point

Miruna: What works better is to state what you want, listen to what the other person wants, and work together to fix problems, not by giving things up, but by solving a problem. Not all problems can be solved, but it is better than breaking even.

Me: I feel like these problems shouldn't be so serious (because he's not getting drunk all the time or something like that) but the fact that he keep promising to completely quit for me, and then doing it anyway is so heart breaking

Miruna: That is not a problem. It is only a misstatement. He promises you not to drink. If he keeps his promise, he has sacrificed something for you, making you happy. However, on a basic, intuitive level, he does not care about giving things up for you because he does not see how giving things up could make another person happy. It would not make him happy for you to give something up for him. That gesture would not have meaning. It would be as though you told him he had very glimmish eyes. He does not know what that means, so he would ask. But in the language of sacrifice, he cannot form a question if you sacrifice something for him. He can only try to intellectually appreciate it.

Miruna: This sounds bad, but there is hope.

Me: I feel like the hope is floating away.

Miruna: As a man, he still wants to feel needed. He will not be able to translate your desire for him to drink less into a need he can fulfill unless there is a concrete step he can take to start.

1:53am

Me: You around?

Nathan: yes. Are you? [doom]

Me: How are you doin?

Nathan: I'm okay, I suppose. Except we had to have one of my cats euthanized the other day. Other than that, same-old/same-old

Me: You in Buffalo these days?

Nathan: Yes, as soon as everybody's figured out I'm in Buffalo I'll probably wind up going somewhere else again, but as of now I have no actual plans to

Me: I see. I'd say "let's hang out" but I have no idea what we would do. Probably talk for a long time.

Nathan: perhaps. Yeah, we could do that

Me: What do your hobbies include these days?

Nathan: Gaming, like always. City of Heroes, primarily

Me: Never played that. Not yet anyway. I've been playing FFXI as of late. Ever played Final Fantasy XI?

Nathan: No, haven't played any of them since 6 and the only one I liked was 3, but even that had a stupidly hard final boss that I never managed to beat

Me: I never played the old ones myself, lol. I'm not usually into the role playing scene. FFXI is only bearable because it's online with a ton of people. If it was offline I wouldn't consider playing it for a moment.

Nathan: Depends on whether the story is any good, for me, though game-play is important, too.

Me: I never like the stories

Nathan: You've just never played any with good stories. as a rule, Final Fantasy games have sucky stories, and so do MMORPGs. for that matter, the only ones that are really any good that I can think of are the Geneforge games and SepterraCore

Me: Actually, I do like the two thrones. That has a pretty cool story.

Nathan: for that matter, it would be nice if there were a better name for the sort of game where you participate in a story, as distinct from the sort of game where you actually play a role

Me: I know exactly what you mean. You have a girlfriend yet? Or are you just gonna play solo your whole life?

Nathan: Silly female, thinks getting a girlfriend is easy. well, it might be, if I decided to put any actual effort into it

Me: Well. No. Not easy persay. It does require effort. Of course, most of the guys.... Actually, all of the guys who have dated me never put any effort into it. I should make the next guy (if there is a next guy) work harder for it.

Nathan: Hmm-m-m. I'm much too passive. Too non-confrontational.

Me: I'm aware of that, lol. You got my virginity solely because I was so freaking horny, LOL

Nathan: a-yep

Me: That's completely worn off. I'm way to normal these days.

Nathan: That's good, I suppose

Me: Yeah, not useful though, now that I finally have a sex-maniac boyfriend... -_- It figures I'd finally get the nimpho after all my excessive hormones have worn off
Nathan: that would be a problem, yes

Me: If I had met him around the time we broke up... That would have rocked. And I would have ended up sleeping with a lot less guys. *sigh*

Nathan: good to experience many different people, though

Me: True. In reality, I wouldn't take any of it back (except for a few side-lays that were totally ... yucky) because each relationship that lasted a couple months or more taught me a hell of a lot

Nathan: yes, given the chance, I'd take a do-over on my last relationship, but that's about it

Me: Oh yeah? What was your last relationship like?

Nathan: well, put it this way: she was perfect, except almost every word that came out of her mouth was a lie, so until I discovered that, and for that matter for some time afterward, I was in love with her.

Me: That sucks. :(

Nathan: yes

Me: The guy I have now ought to be perfect, but he can't keep a promise. Or stick to a compromise, or stick to anything at all. Well, he managed to work everyday, it's just sticking to things with me that he can't do

Nathan: Well, you're demanding that he change, and I've never known people to actually change when told to. spontaneously, yes. because they want to, sometimes, once in a blue moon. because somebody else wants them to? never. but that's just my experience. your mileage may vary

Me: I've seen people change, but more due to heart break than due to love. Tre changed dramatically when I dumped him. And I changed dramatically when Jeremy dumped me. And from what Crusifer says he changed a lot after Brianna dumped him

Nathan: well, maybe when I say 'spontaneously' I really mean 'unpredictably'

Me: Well I've come to think of changes brought about by break ups as very predictable.

Nathan: do people always change in the same way when broken up with?

Me: No, they don't

Nathan: but that wasn't what I originally meant by 'unpredictably', but I'm willing to pretend it was. a nasty breakup with somebody they love, okay, that's a catalyst for change

Me: Yeah, the being heartbroken is key, not the break up it self

2:30am

Miruna: Try telling him you would like him to drink only [some given amount] of alcohol during some period of time. The smaller the amount and the shorter the period, the better. Make sure the amount is an amount he will think of as 'not enough'. Then bargain until he agrees to drink some amount that is less than he drinks now, but close to what you would actually like. Again, the initial amount should be very small, so you can bargain up to something reasonable. Then, the first time he follows his agreement, tell him how very proud you are of his achievement. That is an important word, 'achievement'. Not what he has given up for you, but how he has succeeded. Not how happy you are with his reduced drinking, but how proud you are that he succeeded.

Me: Initially I was against doing something like that, but I tried that out of desperation some months ago. We agreed on no more than two beers. But I have not been able to get him under two beers. But I suppose the important part of that would be telling him how proud I was of his success. Instead all I did was focus on how I wanted him to quit entirely...

Miruna: Why should he quit entirely?

Me: Because he acts like a moron when he's drunk, much worse than most people. if he drinks more than two beers he loses his memory of what happens completely and he gets violent and angry. After the first half beer he is agitated, and easy to annoy, and then starts trying to make me have sex with him, which would be fine if he was sober... But I hate having sex with him when he smells like beer. And he acts very odd and unattractive after he has been drinking. He repeats himself and loses all ability to be rational after a beer and a half. And besides all of that, a year ago I made it clear to him I would not marry someone who drank at all, so now it's partly principle to insist that he quit. What can I possibly do from here? If I just accept things as they are... I'm not sure if I'll be better or worse off.

Miruna: Perhaps you should ask yourself some questions. These questions are not advice or criticism. They are to help you make certain you understand the root level of who you are and what you want in life. You do not need to tell me the answers because they are for you. Why do you want to marry? Whatever the answer is, ask why that should be so, until you have the most basic cause you can reach. Why will you not marry a person who drinks? Many people drink and behave themselves well. Would a well-behaved drinker be less desirable than a poorly-behaved non-drinker? How poor could a person's behavior be and still be good enough to make them more desirable than a well-behaved drinker? Why is your principle so important? Could your initial principle have been mistaken? Or could it have been appropriate at the time, and no longer appropriate now? And why follow principle if it does not make you happy, and it would harm no one to ignore principle?

Me: Are people more intelligent in Japan or something? No one I've spoken to has been able to talk to me so intellectually about this before. Those most certainly are all the right questions, and I will have to consider each of them for a good deal of time before I can answer anyway. :)

Miruna: In the meantime, from your description, his behavior is not that of a normal person. He might have a medical condition, such as a weak liver. Here in Japan, drinking is a national passtime. Some people here have weak livers. They usually count themselves lucky because they know that they have weak livers, and they can get enjoyably drunk from just a single beer. They do not push their limits, even though that limit is low. Other people need much more alcohol to get drunk, and so they drink more. He might simply need to find his boundary.

Me: Well, three beers is most certainly when the memory thing happens

Miruna: Well, those questions are just related to questions I ask myself all the time. I'm training to become the new Systems Analyst here, and one of the most essential tasks [perhaps the most important of all] is to ask a chain of questions until you can gain no new information.

Me: And everyone here drinks too. It's not just in japan, lol

Miruna: Believe me. Americans have no idea what drinking is.

Me: I love asking myself all the tough questions. Most people can't give me a question I have not asked myself yet, but you just did.

Miruna: I hope they help.

Me: I think I want to marry mostly because I want kids and a family of my own. And I don't want the father in the family to drink not just for me, but for the children's example

Miruna: At any rate, his behavior while drunk is troubling. Alcohol cannot ever actually be a motive. 'That is just the beer talking' is nonsense. Instead, that is the beer stopping someone from closing their mouth when they normally would. So, his behavior while 'drunk' [and I am not sure if he is in fact drunk] is likely a display of how he would behave if he was not concerned for the consequences, for example, you ending your relationship with him.

Me: Which would imply that deep down he thinks very little of me and of life and of everyone

Miruna: A possible explanation might be that he is not in fact drunk [though he might think he is], and he wishes to behave a certain way without having to be thought of as responsible for his behavior. So, pretending to be drunk [and perhaps thinking that he is drunk], he behaves as he pleases, and lets others assume that he is only acting as he does because he is drunk. You can see this behavior in people to whom you give fake drugs when they expect they have taken a real drug. This is why drug trials need to use placebos: if you need to test a drug's effects, you also need to test the drug against a 'drug' that does nothing, but convinces the patient that it does something.

Me: Hm. That's a good thought. I wish I could get him fake beer.

Miruna: You could.

Me: When he actually gets drunk - like when he's past three beers he becomes outright dangerous and scary... He peed on the floor deliberately one time while drunk. He claims not to remember anything that happened that night at all. I could?

Miruna: Yes. They make non-alcoholic and low-alcohol beer in America.

Me: Hm. I'm already talking about 5-8% beers. *sigh* I'm not sure a non-alcoholic beer would really trick him though, since alcohol itself has sucha distinct flavor and feeling.

Miruna: Well, some non-alcoholic drinks are very convincing.

Me: I suppose if I could find one, and then let him think that I'm letting him drink that it might answer a couple questions and solve the problem at once

Miruna: Sorbitol, for example, tastes like alcohol because it is a kind of alcohol. It just does not get a person drunk.

Me: I've read that on a lot of labels before

Miruna: Have you ever known him to drink more than five beers consecutively, or drink some other drink that should be as strong as five or so beers?

Me: It's used in all sorts of drinks

Miruna: It is. It often convinces people on a pre-rational level that they are enjoying a 'big people's' beverage, even if there's no alcohol.

Me: No, he can't handle anything harder than a beer, he'll become drunkenly lost within half an hour with anything stronger than a beer. The time he peed on my floor he had eight beers.

Miruna: Well, try giving him the non-alcoholic beer, or give him low-alcohol beer and see if it takes him longer to change his behavior.

Me: I will try. But somehow I just feel that if we do get this alcohol thing out of the way that we'll find a deeper problem in our relationship. Either that, or the beer is causing a deeper problem.

Miruna: Well, while the beer cannot cause a 'deeper problem', I think you are right that something else is underneath the beer issue. I think it is likely that he likes getting away with things you would not normally tolerate, and as long as he can get away with this behavior, he will be satisfied. But if this behavior is something that no right-thinking person would permit, then you are fully justified in expecting to not need to put up with it.

Me: That's the really tough part. None of his friends mind how he acts when he is drinking/drunk. It's only me that it bothers, but that's because I'm sober, and they're always drunk. At least, I think that is why.

2:30am

Nathan: growing and learning and gaining experiences (of which heartbreak is perhaps a subset) can also cause change. biological changes resulting from adolescence/puberty/growing cause mental change, but that ends once you stop growing

Me: Right

Nathan: but my original postulate remains: people don't change because their significant other wants them to

Me: My grandfather quit drinking for my grandmother

Nathan: fine, throw a counterexample at me why don't you. [considers] Well, the changes you want from Crusifer seem to be pretty sweeping. You seem to want him to abandon his friends and his entire lifestyle in favor of a new lifestyle centered around you. One thing at a time might be more doable.

Me: True. Which is why I offered to him to go out twice a week but to quit drinking. But he hasn't stuck to it at all

Nathan: out of curiosity, do you (or have you tried) allow him to come up with compromises on his own that he thinks he could follow, or do you come up with them and then just get him to promise to abide by them? maybe that's not purely out of curiosity, maybe it's also a suggestion if it's not already your policy

Me: I tried getting him to come up with his own ideas, but he wouldn't. So I just suggest them and ask if they are acceptable

Nathan: This may be key. Probably not, but maybe. He's probably the best judge of what he can realistically abide by, so when you try to get him to come up with a compromise he can live with, he comes up with nothing because there is no compromise he can live with. When you come up with them, perhaps he agrees to them with the intention of honestly trying and then he simply fails to live up to his promises because he made promises he cannot keep.

Me: That pretty much sums it up I bet. He doesn't really want to quit, though sometimes he says he does.

Nathan: He probably wants to want what you want, that is, he wants to want to quit, but he does not actually want to quit.

Me: That makes sense

Nathan: So he promises because of that, but to quit things like drinking or whatever, you have to genuinely want to quit, not just want to want to quit.

Me: Exactly. Like sex, you can't just want to want sex, you have to want it

Nathan: much of what I know about addictions I learned from Infinite Jest, which would have you believe that to break an addiction, you have to have been completely destroyed by it and to need to quit with every fibre of your being. It may not need to be that drastic, but the principle is the same.

Me: I agree. That's what it took for me to quit drinking and smoking weed

Nathan: Right. So we've diagnosed the problem, but there may not even be a solution.

Me: Especially since he's down to drinking little enough that he feels that it's not a problem

Nathan: Right

Me: That's why I'm in such a quandary. It's like either give up (leave him) or give up (stop caring).

Nathan: Sometimes giving up is all you can do. Unless there is some way to make him want to quit for himself, but that probably falls back under the 'change that is unlikely to happen barring outside catalysts' category

Me: Precisely

Nathan: On the one hand: when in doubt, stick with him, you might be able to tolerate it after all and if you dump him you won't get another chance. On the other hand: if in doubt, it's probably not perfect so you should dump him before you pour too many resources into him and find somebody who is perfect. On the third hand: There's no such thing as perfection. I mean, statistically, out of seven billion people, it is extremely likely that there is at least one person who is completely perfect for you in every way, but even if you met a new person every second, it would take 221 years to go through 7,000,000,000 people. If my calculations are correct, which they may not be. And obviously by then the entire original batch will have died and been replaced several times over by much larger new batches! also you're unlikely to live that long, but that's a piddling little concern. I think I have gone somewhat off-message. Too bad I can't remember what the message originally was.

Me: Who cares, I'm laughing. I like laughing. And I meet a new person like once a month.... That's only 12 a year

Nathan: More often than I do, but at that rate that's half a billion years. The earth will probably last that long, though humanity probably won't

Me: heh heh

3:00am

Miruna: Lucky for you, you do not need to worry about whether you are overreacting.

Me: I don't?

Miruna: Unfortunately, he must either no longer want to behave this way, or you must not see him anymore. That may sound unnecessarily extreme, but think about it like this: He likes behaving a certain way. Whether it's because he is drunk or whether he pretends to be drunk for an excuse, he still likes to behave this way. You do not like this behavior.
His desire to behave in this way is unsatisfied if he behaves as you want him to, but you will not be happy if he behaves the way he wants to. People always find ways to get the things they want, if they want them badly enough. He wants to behave the way he does badly enough to risk you leaving him, even though he takes steps to keep you from wanting to leave him. He is walking a fine line, in other words. If he keeps walking this line, you will not have what you want [freedom from this behavior] and he will not have what he wants [the freedom to behave as he pleases]. So he can either change his desires [NOT his behavior], or you can change yours. Or you can leave him. Any other arrangement will be 'compromise', which we have seen is unsatisfactory.

Me: I see your point perfectly. You think I should explain it to him the same way?

Miruna: Unfortunately for both of you, changing one's desires is hard. It often involves a change in awareness, which usually requires unlearning something.

Me: Unlearning typically being harder than learning

Miruna: Absolutely not. Not unless you can either use exactly the words I have [see how I never said anything was anyone's fault?] or unless you want to deliver an ultimatum to him. Ultimatums are rarely helpful, and an ultimatum will not induce either of you to change your desires. So what was the only other option? See why explaining this would be bad?

Me: I see what you mean. Perhaps opening a dialogue with, "I think one of us needs to change our desires in order for this relationship to satisfy both of us."

Miruna: Worded differently, that might be a start. But you have to word it differently. "One of us" will sound to him like "You". But, if you can strictly use language that does not assign blame or responsibility, you still have to be careful. He will want to know why he should even change his behavior in the first place. What evidence do you have that his 'drunk' behavior is abnormal, and what justification do you have for not wanting to tolerate such behavior?

Miruna: Also, why should he change his desires? Why shouldn't you change yours?

Me: Well, too late for me not to say those things. I've already tried the "you drinking makes me miserable" and "you should quit because I feel like you are choosing drinking over me which makes me feel worthless"

Miruna: I do not mean that you should not say you dislike his behavior. I only mean that you should have a reason that either convinces him, or at least shows him that you are so convinced that he cannot argue it with you.

Me: I'm sure I can get him to agree to almost anything in words, but how can I make him translate his words into his actions? I wish I could get him to stop agreeing and promising things if he's only going to not follow through time after time

Miruna: He likely either thinks that you are overreacting, or that your reaction does not matter. I cannot guess which one he thinks, so be careful in your reasoning.

Me: Probably a little of both, but more so on the overreacting

Miruna: Well, you are right. Sound arguments only go so far. However, his actions seem to stem from his desires, which is typical of most actions. He may have conflicting desires, and which ever desire or cluster of desires is strongest at any given moment will likely govern his behavior.

Me: He says to me "why does it matter so much?" pretty often. Ah - that's the key - the given moment. At that given moment he desires the drink, and forgets about me, perhaps? Forgets his promises conveniently? Or perhaps I just want to think that.

Miruna: Please wait a moment.

Me: Sure, I'm beginning to actually get tired. It's about time, being that it's 3:30am

Miruna: I do not think it is a conflict between his desire for alcohol and his desire for pleasing you. I suspect he may have a desire to express power. He likely also has a desire to continue to express power in a meaningful way. He likely does not consciously recognize either of these desires, even though he has them.

Miruna: If his priority is self-interest, he will behave as though his priority is NOT self-interest, to the extent that it benefits his self-interest. So he is as kind as he needs to be.

Me: He doesn't like to recognize his emotions much in general. It's amazing he's come far enough to admit that he "needs" me. I think I've made him depressed with all my antics lately, which may be partly the cause for his actions today. I suppose a bigger hurdle than the drinking is that I really don't know how he really feels. I've assumed that it is a conflict between me and the beer, but you're right, it probably isn't about the beer or me. Since he's an artist, and he has a very slender and small frame for a man expressing his manliness can be hard for him. At least, he thinks it's hard. No one really doubts his masculinity but him. That is, if he indeed does doubt it? Perhaps he just feels the need to show power like you said... Not because he thinks he lacks power, but he thinks other people don't know that he has power...

Miruna: Or because power is fun. Which it is. There are different kinds of power, only a few of which involve inconveniencing or harming people, and only a few more that involve people at all. But they are all necessary to our psychological well-being. Apparently, he does not derive enough enjoyment out of his power as an artist, so he seeks and exercises power in other ways. If he does not reorient his priorities [such as the happiness of people other than himself, justice, reasonability, et cetera] he will behave as he does now.

Friday, May 9th 2008 at 9:25am

I think I may have overreacted Wednesday night (in the wee early hours of Thursday). I thought Crusifer had left work early and gone to hang out with his friends. Turns out that he stayed after work and (according to him) smoked half a bowl of weed and “sipped” on one beer. I can’t blame him for not calling me the hectic happenstance of some idiot tattoo artist who doesn’t follow hygiene regulations that are to prevent customers from getting HIV, hepatis and other blood spread diseases. The man lives in Niagra Falls and claimed to work for Hardcore tattoos (which he doesn’t now, and never has) on the six o’clock news!

Channel two, four and seven news all broadcast this to all of western New York without checking the sources! So of course all sorts of people come to the shop and start cursing them out. The owner is up in arms, and calling the news stations. The employees are confused and discuss the matter in depth and discover that no one that works there has ever even met the guy once. The news stations (all the three of them) come to the shop after the insistence of the owner and they interview the owner and employees. They show this on the eleven o’clock news which is all well and good, but who watches the news twice in one day? Hardly anyone!

They actually interviewed Crusifer, but only the owner’s interview (about two seconds of it) was put on the air. On top of this El (according to Crusifer) was being an ass-hole (probably due to his recent issues with his girl-friend Connie which I heard about also second-hand from Crusifer in vaguest of vague detail) and calling Crusifer a sucker or a pussy or something for not coming out to hangout with them. Which, by the way, he’s been not doing by choice since I told him he ought to go out on Fridays and Saturdays... (Oh wow, I just noticed it’s a Friday, not that he’ll go out, I understand his patterns better and better.) Instead, he stays at work once a week to smoke a blunt (and to sip a beer – though he still claims that he is going to quit and that he wants to quit) and doesn’t call me.

I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I’ve swung back and forth between being royally pissed, blissful happy, utterly disappointed, to completely contented too many times to know how I really feel. The pros are so large, and the cons are so unacceptable.

One large pro I realized this morning is how wonderful it is to wake up to a cup of tea, kisses, and then to be pulled out of bed, brought into the bathroom, and kept company while I brush my teeth and wash my face (and take my morning piss). I also realized how hard it would be to train a new man to do such a thing. Getting to sleep and getting up have been difficult for me since I was nine. I’ve used everything from night lights, to sleep assisting pills, to alarm clocks, to stuffed animals, to morning meals, to men and to sex, (and believe it or not about three times as many more techniques) to get myself to sleep and to get myself up.

I hate both. I love sleeping. It’s just getting to sleep that is so blasted hard, which is almost as hard as getting up.

But anyway, the point I detoured from is that Crusifer was under a lot of stress. He’s afraid for his relationship with me, and with his friends and with his career all at once. I tried to be understanding, but I was so miserable, and so afraid for my life, and so focused on my needs that I couldn’t see through the fact that he wasn’t drugged up, he was on the verge of tears and falling apart all over the place.

I didn’t return him his ring this morning when he noticed that it was gone again. I felt so bad after having such a good morning, and right before he leaves he goes to put it on and it’s not there. I could feel his heart fall into his stomach. I wanted to present it to him right then and there. I didn’t. But I considered it. I need to wait though, I’m being to impulsive. I take every little action as a big sign, and that probably isn’t a good thing. Calm is good. How come I act so calm and feel so scattered?