Spilling It To The Random Dude

Monday January, 19th 2008 at 12:19pm

The second day.
Of what?
Of feeling like a total ass, a complete idiot, like a played fool, like I’m nothing...
I tried yesterday to be cheerful despite my boyfriend’s obvious anger with me. Despite the fact that he was gone for over twelve hours. I tried to keep a level head and I think I did a good job. I didn’t cry, I hardly moped, I finished making my first demo-board-game of my own. (Cards printed on cardstock, cutout and then cased.) I got quite a few things done, indeed.
I didn’t write. I can’t imagine writing right now either. It’s amazing how many times I sit down with the intention of writing and how little I end up writing. It’s not lack of effort; it’s lack of mental discipline.
It’s one of those times where I feel inclined to say “I wish I were dead” but that’s just because I feel lonely, not because I actually want to die. What’s interesting is the part I just read yesterday in “The Art of Happiness” talks about where loneliness...

“Damn it. It all points to my idiotic...”
“Sorry,” he says.
I snort.
“Not doing anything anymore... well a lot of homework, but that’s it.”
“Always busy,” I mean it in a condescending way at that moment, “It's respectable, but not useful for me. I've been thinking about that...”
“About what?” he asks.
“How I want people to be able to make plans and to live a full life, but also how I want everyone to have tons of time for me,” I laugh humorlessly. “I'm a jealous person, I really am. I admit that. I feel so much anxiety and anger towards my boyfriend and his mom just because they had a good time yesterday while he was out ignoring me.
“I've been thinking how nice it would be to have someone who wasn't close to their family – even though I also want someone who is emotionally stable (and not having a good family generally does not support that.)” I have a person in mind.
“I was thinking I'd like a person who is to me like my boyfriend’s best friend is to my boyfriend... But the only reason he calls my boyfriend every single morning.... Is because he is a loser. I don't want a loser friend. I just want a friend who likes me that much.
“But maybe you only like someone that much if you're a loser? I don't know... But this book has made me realize how I purposely have isolated myself. It's also making me realize that my loneliness is entirely my fault, and completely based on my idealistic views of a relationship.
“And while I'd love to have that magical relationship where I'm one with that other person, where no time is need spent apart; I can't have that. No one is going to give that to me. Unless they're just like me – in which case, we'd have other problems.
“Rage and lust are very much related,” I comment, picking up on a topic he and I had been discussing on Saturday. “Though while loneliness leads me to lust, it does not lead me to rage. They're just both equally difficult to deal with and control. Besides, it figures that a man said that. Men always seem angrier and hornier than women.”


Tuesday January, 20th 2008 at 2:19am

Justin says: (1:30:49 AM): hi, how are you?

I say: (1:35:52 AM): Hello. I've been better, but I'm pretty good, you?

Justin says: (1:36:19 AM): okay, cant sleep. So how old are you?

I say: (1:37:31 AM): About to be 20... In like ten days.

Justin says: (1:37:46 AM): happy b-day; early b-day; big plans? get drunk?

I say: (1:38:40 AM): Yes and no. All my friends and family are going to play board games with me all day. I don't drink. I quit, it was really destructive... I basically acted like your typical dumb 18 year old girl when I was 14 and got over it by 17.

Justin says: (1:40:41 AM): What are you going to do at 21? You type fat- I mean fast. I mean, you’re not fat.

I say: (1:42:40 AM): At 21 hopefully I'll be going on a cool trip surrounded by true friends who I share a real link of compassion with. No, not fat. I was a little overweight a couple years ago, back before I changed my lifestyle entirely, I lost 30lbs. Now people consider me either thin or average

Justin says: (1:43:11 AM): good for you

I say: (1:43:30 AM): I consider myself still a bit out of shape, but I have high standards I guess. Well, Americans have low standards... so... yeah.

Justin says: (1:43:36 AM): That’s awesome. you aren’t American?

I say: (1:43:56 AM): I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Justin says: (1:44:08 AM): lol, bite your tongue

I say: (1:44:17 AM): It's embarrassing to go to Canada and to be so obvious that I'm American sometimes. In Toronto you can pick out all the Americans; it's the fat ones and the stupid ones and the poorly dressed ones and the shallow ones. It's depressing. But, hey, enough about being depressed. America does have some things going for it. (Brainstorming....)

Justin says: (1:44:59 AM): lol, stop hating, and get on board!

I say: (1:45:06 AM): I know. I wish I could.. I want to.

Justin says: (1:45:15 AM): come in for the big win, and join the team

I say: (1:45:22 AM): I want to be a nice, kind, compassionate person who isn't shallow at all. I do.

Justin says: (1:45:35 AM): But?

I say: (1:45:36 AM): It's just so hard when so many people are just so completely blind and ignorant. Well, I live in Buffalo, NY, so it's only recently I've met good people fo rhte first time in my life

Justin says: (1:47:03 AM): That’s a depressing area, no offense

I say: (1:47:14 AM): I met some college students who are actually on the ball with learning and growing and loving; and they're two great people – they're even both virgins and okay with that. Weird to hang out with virgins, when I myself lost mine at 12.

Justin says: (1:47:44 AM): 12 is young

I say: (1:47:50 AM): We have about five ghettos in Buffalo, each different. I live in the rican/black ghetto. Yes, indeed. I was a very lonely child, and only-child with parents a generation older than standard who never made friends

Justin says: (1:48:05 AM): are you Rican/black?

I say: (1:48:18 AM): I'm white. I stick out like a sore thumb. I've lived in this house my entire life, but I'm more well-traveled than most anyone I've met... Odd, in retrospect.

Justin says: (1:50:28 AM): are you still into goth?

I say: (1:50:46 AM): More or less. Back when I was in 11th grade I was deeply into it.

Justin says: (1:51:02 AM): And now? just sorta?

I say: (1:51:17 AM): Now I just dress up punk when I go out. I mean, being a goth is kinda different than dressing goth.

Justin says: (1:51:35 AM): I don’t understand.

I say: (1:51:37 AM): And the whole morbid/emo mind-set is really a bad one. It's unhealthy, unproductive and a drain on society as a whole. You could say I used to have that mind-set. Back when I was the biggest pot-head, drinking loser on the planet who thought being a slut was cool. God did I suck! Well, that last bit was a lie I suppose. I never thought being a slut was cool. I just used to have self-control issues.

Justin says: (1:53:28 AM): What do you mean?

I say: (1:53:29 AM): Thank goodness I lucked out and never caught anything. I mean I was a very, very, very horny child; this undoubtedly resulted from my loneliness. I didn't know it at the time. The whole typical "I want to be loved, but I think I want sex" thing.

Justin says: (1:54:13 AM): Are you still horny now?

I say: (1:54:25 AM): I recently read the quote; "The desire to be intimate is the desire to share your deepest self with another." Sure, when I'm in love with a man who deserves me and treats me like he should. Right now I'm sort of stuck in a relationship that I'm finding unsatisfactory.

Justin says: (1:55:06 AM): How so?

I say: (1:55:17 AM): I have a zillion reasons to stay, and a zillion to leave.

Justin says: (1:55:46 AM): what will you do?

I say: (1:56:23 AM): I don't know. I was going to break up with him a couple months ago, but then he changed. He had some deep realizations, and I wanted to give it time to see if these realizations would actually have a lasting effect on his behavior and attitudes. We've been together for just over two years, and we've been living together for nearly that long as well. So, it's not just something to be casually thrown away, but at the same time...

Justin says: (1:56:53 AM): wow, that a lot of time to be invested

I say: (1:57:09 AM): Well, I left my ex just before him one month short of two years. But my ex was a bit easier; I was already out of love when I left him. He was a liar and a thief and violent. Those things alone were another reason to get out. I only waited so long because I was terrified. But this time has been different. And he's not a liar, a thief or violent. But he's always getting so angry about such little things. Sometimes he gets really angry just because I didn't understand what he meant by something. And right now, at 2am, he's out.

Justin says: (1:59:10 AM): doing what?

I say: (1:59:16 AM): We've been fighting for three days now, after a month of doing so much better. I think he's talking to some customers he had today, he's a tattoo artist. ... Do you find your life fulfilling?

Justin says: (2:06:43 AM): I do.

I say: (2:07:10 AM): So, if you were to die tomorrow you'd have no regrets and you'd feel good about the things you had accomplished?

Justin says: (2:07:25 AM): I would... besides not having kids.

I say: (2:07:35 AM): Hm. I had to get an abortion a few months ago; it was very traumatic for me.

Justin says: (2:08:34 AM): i bet... wow

I say: (2:08:37 AM): I want a baby so bad, but I want to have a baby with a loving husband, not with a boyfriend who wasn't ready, wasn't appreciative, wasn't responsible.

Justin says: (2:10:39 AM): That’s tough

I say: (2:11:59 AM): Very much so. I wanted to marry him, to have his children, and I feel like he's just throwing it away because he can't keep commitments, can't quit weed, and can't think much past his current pleasure. He's way too focused on a pleasure and not fulfillment.

Justin says: (2:13:02 AM): you should move on, he sounds destructive.

I say: (2:14:44 AM): Well, I've shared a couple reasons why I want out; here are some reasons why I want to stay: his body, his sex, and his money are all very good; but those are shallow reasons, not my main reasons -- they are the "easy" reasons, not the deep ones. The deeper reasons would include how much I have loved him, how much I have done for him, how much potential I see in him. how much we've experienced together, and how when I met him I felt like I was meeting another person like myself for the first time in my life; and he felt the exact same way. I think I've been putting way too much focus on finding romantic, perfect love, and not enough effort into making lasting friendships...