The More Free I Am The More Lost I Am

Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 6:51pm

On July 19th I wrote: “The more free I become the more lost I am.” It rings bells for me all over the place. Today was a free day. I’ve been free to do as I wanted all day long. I tried for around an hour to write, and stumbled over four-hundred words or so; a pitiful lot. I’m struggling with pushing onward and not giving up.
I think I’m chronically lonely or something. Days like today have one poignant similarity; the lack of people. When I wake up, My Boyfriend is gone. When I get breakfast, no one is there. Doing my exercise routine is a joke, because I put not effort into any of the moves; I don’t use energy. I just go through the motions like a half-dead robot. Writing is painstakingly slow and feelings two-dimensional. Drawing is calculated and without feeling.
Bringing myself to do anything at all seems like a chore. It’s not as though I’ve just sat here all day... But on the other hand...
I seem to be failing at even writing this entry. I’m either lazy or I need motivation. I can comfort myself all I want by saying ‘I could do a lot less’ but boy is that a terrible excuse. Instead, I should be asking myself ‘what more can I be doing?’ At the same time I don’t want to complicate my life in any way I don’t have to. I’m so determined to not have a life full of unwanted commitments, obligations and useless activities that I think I’m making myself the other extreme unwittingly.
It’s just the funk of a day alone. The complete lack of human contact is eerie in it’s own way. All music is haunting, TV is mostly depressing, writing is impossible, reading is difficult, cleaning is aborted half-way through doing most tasks... Okay, so that’s an exaggeration. I did change the trash. Oh. Amazing. Pat me on the back, why don’t ya?
My Boyfriend made me feel like a fool at 7am. I was awake for over an hour, more like two hours, just laying there. We argued; and I’m quite sure I didn’t win the argument, but I’m not sure there was a victor or if there ever really is. I just felt like a spoiled brat afterwards. I wonder if I’m really as selfish as he made it sound... I may very well be.
I need to find my inspiration, finish my novel, edit it (the fun part), and then get it published (the impossible part I’m insisting on being optimistic about). I just need to do it. I’ll be a person then. I’ll have a life then; even if nothing changes. I’ll exist then. I won’t just be a figment of my own imagination anymore. I’ll have a purpose. My life won’t have been a waste. I’ll have a future... I need to. There is no way around it. Maybe it’s getting so hard to write because of the pressure I’ve put on myself? Of course, as it gets longer there are more and more details I have to take into account which is purely painful when trying to just write. While editing, details are fun; while getting the story out in the first place all those details are trip-ups.
And I’m not sure if I’m coming back to any of my old projects afterwards. And that’s why it’s even more important to finish the novel. I’ve spent two months on it; let’s not repeat the spending over a year on a board game to not have a board game even playable for friends yet (much less and official and published version). I will not give up. I can’t. I won’t allow myself. I can’t turn twenty and still... And still... Be... Nothing...




Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 8:11pm

Hallie said back in July, “Sometimes it seems like you've lost sight of what's normal in relationships. Maybe because this relationship has actually been failing for a long time, maybe because the one you had before it wasn't so hot either. Maybe both. But, really, my husband would never be pissed at me for having a male friend over. It would never occur to him that I had done anything untoward, let alone slept with anyone else! I would never do anything secretive or passive aggressive like being gone when he got home to "make a point" and I would never have to. Those things just don't happen in good relationships. When you feel that way, when it occurs to you that you need to come up with some secret plan to demonstrate something, when you feel yourself accusing your partner of cheating, when you're actually having a conversation about whether you were or were not wearing lingerie with another person... it's over. It's just already over.”
I suppose, if I look back on how things were in July I should be happy with how things are now. Silly humans; always wanting more. *sigh*
I do really feel like My Boyfriend and I broke up for a long time there, coming to a peak on Thanksgiving, and like after that we started going out again. Though I’m nervous that this is just the beginning of another collapse.
When it comes to My Boyfriend, I can make lists of things I want, but there are some central issues that are much more complex than what we want and what we’re willing to give to each other... I’m not sure I can put it all into words right now. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately... Some precursor to realizing what I already know all over again likely.
I got another four-hundred words written. I put in a second half-hearted work-out. I changed the sheets on the bed. Does that mean I’ve done something today? Odd, how I’ve been doing things all day, and yet all of it seems to add up to zero. My guess; I’m lonely and beyond that, I need a bigger goal; a life-long goal to work towards, and I can’t come up with one that doesn’t involve heart-break.


















Saturday January, 17th 2008 at 1:39pm

The foretold events have been averted; it’s January seventeenth. For those of you who have no belief in the supernatural, psychic abilities, afterlife, reincarnation, and other things that clearly exist, then you’ll probably find this a bit hoaky. But...
A young man at a psychic meet-up way back in July or so told me the date January 15th, and at the moment he said it I knew it would be the break-up date. I’m sure it very well could have been. Mom intervened and prevented us from breaking up on Thanksgiving. At that time I had no real intention of staying with him for more than a month or so. But since then things have been changing.
The young man didn’t say what would happen on that date; who knows, perhaps I took the message the wrong way in the first place.
Anyway, now that it’s past, I feel like a great blanket has lifted off of me, and now I can breath. I’ve been sort-of expecting some huge fight to happen right around that date to make me change my mind after-all, but interestingly the 15th was Thursday, and My Boyfriend and I had a fabulous Thursday; in fact, the only thing that stood out about that day was the fact that we didn’t argue the entire time we were out.
Usually going out triggers arguments for us. Who’s driving? Why is that person driving? How is that person driving? Those all cause arguments, and sometimes we don’t end up going anywhere just because of one of those things. Where are we going? How much are we spending? Those two things are often the cause of an argument as well – maybe he wants to spend a lot of money on something I don’t approve of, and I mention it, or vise versa.
What we going to do when we get back home? In the past he had a habit of informing me on the drive home that he was getting some beers or some weed (or even both) on the way back and then going to hang out with El.
However, none of that is like it was. The drinking has stopped. The weed, is slowly beginning to be curbed. He’s turning off his phone before he goes to bed so that the phone isn’t what I have to wake up to (even though he likes to wake up to his friend’s calling him.) He’s remembering to always give me a kiss before he leaves. He’s remembering to wake me up with tea and eggs. He’s been better about initiating sex and foreplay. He’s even following me to the bathroom to keep me company (which was never and will never be a requirement, but it’s so darn cute!)
I put the pictures of us back up in the room sometime last week. He was really happy about that, which I knew he would be. He’s been very appreciative. He’s been calling me more often, and I likewise. He’s being cleaner, and so am I. He’s keeping his plans with me about 70% of the time (on average since Thanksgiving) instead of around... 6% of the time (averaged from the previous year before thanksgiving. In addition, he’s been letting me know when his plans change nine out of ten times. He’s been better about actually making plans instead of shrugging.
He’s been apologizing and meaning it. He’s asking me often (but not to a degree that it bothers me) about our future together if I am back to wanting to marry him yet. The thing is, I am back to wanting to marry him; my emotions are very flexible that way. I’m very forgiving. I just wonder if it’s good for our relationship to be quite so forgiving.
I, believe it or not, could continue to say positive things about My Boyfriend, but I’d like to start doing something else now. I may see My Bestfriend today. Hopefully I’ll get some writing done as well.
Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 5:12pm

Moment of despair...
My Boyfriend “admitted” this morning that he doesn’t give a shit about me or our relationship the moment I “piss him off.” This admittance came along the lines of me quoting positive things that we had said to me in the past;
“Being a goof-ball with you means the world to me,” and “You can have all the touchies you want,” and “I know you’re good for me, I need someone who is always logical,” and “You’re my first priority,” and “You’re the world to me.”
His response was along the lines of; “I don’t feel that way right now because you pissed me off.” Except that I think he may have cursed somewhere in that sentence, and I don’t think he used the word “feel” but the meaning nonetheless is conveyed. If he’s angry, then our relationship doesn’t My Bestfriender.
It’s obvious really, but hearing him say it does change things. It explains why he takes so long to apologize (usually an entire day); because it takes him that long to cool off. I want to be there for him and to help him and to compromise and to do everything that a good wife would do, but this... But to hear him say he doesn’t care about me the moment he’s angry with me, and to know it’s true.
I told him, “You should watch what you say.”
“I don’t have to listen to you,” he says.
“Then I don’t have to listen to you either, so why are you angry that I supposedly wasn’t listening to you?” I say.
“You’re fucking retarded.”
“You really believe that?” I ask.
What ridiculous arguments we have, really.
“Think about what you’re saying My Boyfriend. I’m retarded, fuck me, fuck this relationship, and you don’t care about me when you’re angry. Then it’s over the moment you’re angry!”
“Maybe you try harder not to piss me off then!”
“Maybe you should try harder to not be pissed off.”
“I don’t piss you off all the time,” he counters.
“I don’t do things that are harmful to our relationship or to my health,” I respond.
“I just want to spend an hour with my friends, is that so fucking hard?”
“That’s not what you said, and that’s not why I’m upset. You yourself said at least two hours, and I don’t have a problem with you seeing your friends, I have a problem with you breaking plans with me to go smoke weed,” I explain, trying to be calm.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere. You need to fucking listen. We’d be right downstairs, it doesn’t take that long.”
“You didn’t tell me that until after you got off the phone with El.”
“On the phone, off the phone, what’s the fucking difference?” He counters angrily.
“You were still discussing what you may or may not do while you were on the phone. When you got off the phone you’d already decided that you weren’t going anywhere. At least, that’s what you said.”
“Fuck you, I don’t need this shit. You make me fucking miserable.”
“I make you miserable? Really?” I ask, hurt, even if I don’t believe him.
“I work all fucking week and I can’t even spend a fucking hour with my friends.”
“It’s not that My Boyfriend. And you tell me I’m not listening.”
“Yeah – it’s about me breaking plans – oh god forbid we go out two hours later, or three hours later. We can go at two o’clock, or three o’clock or four o’clock!”
(Never mind that he said this at 1:45pm, and if we were to be leaving at two then we would need to be ready. Never mind the fact that before we went to sleep we agreed that first thing in the morning we would take a bath together so long as it wasn’t “too cold” which it most certainly wasn’t. It was warmer this morning than it’s been in days. Never mind the fact that we also agreed we needed to clean the room, and that we would give each other pedicures and rub each other’s backs, and cook together and watch that new movie he downloaded together. Where in there was there a plan to spend one to three hours with El? Where is there was there even room for time with El? We even talked about the fact that it wouldn’t leave much time for doing much of anything else today! We even talked about that!)
I didn’t respond to that one directly. What can I say? It’s too much explaining and too much reasoning for someone who’s too angry and too loud and too set on telling me I’m a retard to hear a word I say.
He leaves. He lets me know before he leaves that he’ll probably be seeing his mom while he’s out, and I heard him say to Frankie that he’d come by and visit him. So, first to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and Connie’s house to smoke. Then to Frankie’s house to smoke some more. Then possibly to his mom’s house, though I doubt he’s there now, and I doubt he’ll make time for that. He’s probably stoned out of his mind right now playing Call of Duty with Frankie. If him and I are very lucky, he’s not drinking, but somehow I suspect that today he might drink at least a half a beer. Call it intuition, call it a guess, maybe it’s just because I’m so bitter about it.
It would be okay if he was angry for a reason. He got so angry with me because supposedly I make him miserable because I don’t want him to go to El’s house and smoke a blunt first thing on a day we’re supposed to be spending bonding with each other. He also said things like, “I will not be your fucking slave,” multiple times. This is completely ludicrous! How is he in any way my slave? Does he clean up after me? Does he wait on my hand and foot? Does he do every little thing I tell him to do? Do I order him around? No, no and no!
I don’t know what to make of it. After days without arguing at all, and weeks without him behaving quite so ignorant... Why all of the sudden? And while sober no less! He does have an anger problem. I begin to believe that I myself may have a slight anger problem, because I’m coming to the conclusion that experiencing anger is an unnatural, unhelpful way of expressing one-self. If you feel angry, your entire focus should be on not being angry. Unfortunately, situations that cause anger have a way of distracting you from calming yourself down.
Can you imagine my indignation when he tells me I’m a retard for not listening and then goes on to say things that clear demonstrate that he isn’t listening? I told him over and over again that I misunderstood what he said on the phone. And I don’t know how he could expect me to understand everything when he’s talking to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend on the phone and not talking directly to me.
*sigh* I think I’ve done a good job of managing to do other things thus far today despite how I feel. I’m trying very hard to implement all I’ve learned about keeping a calm state of mind and it’s importance... But one thing continues to nag at me, and that is...: Is it worth it to continue to try and make my life work with My Boyfriend? Yes, he has improved. Yes, he’s improved dramatically and continues to do so. Yes, reverting to previous behaviors on occasion is expected. But what if he reverts fully at one point or another? Then what have I been spending all of my time doing?
While it may not be a waste of my time, I’m not sure I can it’s most beneficial.
That daunting question keeps returning to me... Is My Boyfriend worth all the trouble? There are so many benefits, most importantly is that for a good portion of time each week he makes me happy. That’s the single most important aspect of our relationship; but is that “good portion” of each week really a rip-off in disguise?
I suppose only time can tell me, and I’m not going to give up today. I also suppose that’s why I’m still here now. I keep figuring that in time I’ll know.
...I have not eaten anything today, and I’ve been awake almost six hours. I should go and get a salad, or perhaps an egg.
I’m trying so hard not to be depressed, not to cry, not to be angry... I’m just so frustrated with my parents, with my novel, with My Boyfriend... I just want something solid to cling to... But there is nothing solid is there? And that is why I must be solid for myself. That is why I need peace within, because I can’t rely on peace from the exterior influences.
Hell, why can I write a three page entry and not a damn paragraph on my novel?
































Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 6:56pm

Has your science teacher ever told you, “everything is interconnected” and you rolled your eyes because of course everything is interconnected? What about your minister are your church? Was it slightly more moving than your science teacher, and yet, still a bit on a sappy-side? What about some hippy on the street who has had too much to smoke? You’ll hear him saying in a sing-song voice, “It’s all interconnected dude!” And he’ll probably have his stoned buddy with him who says, “Whoa... Dude... That’s deep.”
We’ve all heard it. Myself, personally, I’ve heard it from each of those sources at least twice. And yet, never on any of those occasions has it struck a deep cord within me. This time, while reading it inside the book I’m reading, it did. I love how the concepts in the chapter were presented; and I feel that now I understand the deep profound truth about how interconnected we are. I understand in a way I couldn’t have without having read that chapter.
Thanks to someone else inputting this bit into their blog that I found via google, I’m able to share this excerpt with all of you.
From “The Art of Happiness” by Howard C. Cutler, M. D. And The Dalia Lama:
"Within all beings there is the seed of perfection. However, compassion is required in order to activate that seed which is inherent in our hearts and minds..."
With this, the Dalai Lama introduced the topic of compassion to a hushed assembly. Addressing an audience of fifteen hundred people, counting among them a fair proportion of dedicated students of Buddhism, he then began to discuss the Buddhist doctrine of the Field of Merit.
In the Buddhist sense, Merit is described as positive imprints on one's mind, or "mental continuum," that occur as a result of positive actions. The Dalai Lama explained that a Field of Merit is a source or foundation from which a person can accumulate Merit. According to Buddhist theory, it is a person's stores of Merit that determine favorable conditions for one's future rebirths. He explained that Buddhist doctrine specifies two Fields of Merit: the field of the Buddhas and the field of other sentient beings. One method of accumulating Merit involves generating respect, faith, and confidence in the Buddhas, the Enlightened beings. The other method involves practicing actions like kindness, generosity, tolerance, and so on and conscious restraint from negative actions like killing, stealing, and lying. The second method of acquiring Merit requires interaction with other people, rather than interaction with the Buddhas. On that basis, the Dalai Lama pointed out, other people can be of great help to us in accumulating Merit.
The Dalai Lama's description of other people as a Field of Merit had a beautiful, lyrical quality to it that seemed to lend itself to a richness of imagery. His lucid reasoning and the conviction behind his words combined to give him special power and impact to his talk that afternoon. As I looked around the room, I could see that many members of the audience were visibly moved.
I, myself, was less enthralled. As a result of our earlier conversations, I was in the rudimentary stages of appreciating the profound importance of compassion, yet as I was still heavily influenced by years of rational, scientific conditioning that made me regard any talk of kindness and compassion as being a bit too sentimental for my taste. As he spoke, my mind began to wander. I started furtively looking around the room, searching for famous, interesting, or familiar faces. Having eaten a big meal just before the talk, I started to get sleepy. I drifted in and out.
At one point in the talk, my mind turned in to hear him say "...the other day I spoke about the factors necessary to enjoy a happy and joyful life. Factors such as good health, material goods, friends, and so on. If you closely investigate, you'll find that all these depend on other people. To maintain good health, you rely on medicines made by others and health care provided by others. If you examine all of the material facilities that you use for the enjoyment of life, you'll find that there are hardly any of these material objects that have no connection with other people. If you think carefully, you'll see that all these goods come into being as a result of the efforts of many people, either directly or indirectly. Many people are involved in making those things possible. Needless to say, when we're talking about good friends and companions as being another necessary factor for a happy life, we are talking about interaction with other sentient beings, other human beings.
"So you can see that all these factors are inextricably linked with other people's efforts and cooperation. Others are indispensable. So, despite the fact that the process of relating to others might involve hardships, quarrels, or cursing, we have to try to maintain an attitude of friendship and warmth in order to lead a way of life in which there is enough interaction with other people to enjoy a happy life."
As he spoke, I felt instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt--a sign of weakness.
Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others," was not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve. Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in making all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved in making my shirt. I started imagining the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that My Bestfriender, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people that mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designers of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the result of others' efforts.
My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. It made me want to cry.
(Excerpt from The Art of Happiness, "Dependence on Others vs. Self Reliance", written by the 14th Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler, M.D.; Pages 71-75)

There is a fine line between corny and deep, and sometimes the line is just completed erased. I think that line is erased when two things happen: the speaker is serious and has conviction and dedication to what they are saying, and two, when the listener is respectful and introspective.
When your science teacher tells you everything is interconnected, you’re thinking about the lion who eats the antelope, the antelope who eats the grass, the grass who drinks the water from the soil, and the droppings that were the animals and other plants who become the soil. What’s interesting is that despite the fact that we have all of those things in mind while we’re watching the lion king, it’s much deeper then.
This is either support that movies move people, or that class-rooms don’t. You decide which.

On a different note, I feel better once again after having read some of this book. It’s good for the soul in a very-serious, very-deep, not-at-all-corny sort of way. Chicken soup for the teenage soul came off as corny to me way-back-when several people tried to get me to read it.
I can honestly say now however, that I’m experiencing the “softening.” I feel much more drawn to the idea of interaction with people, especially with the accepted fact that I need those other people, even if they are not the same people who manufactured this lap-top or the ones who made my shirt. Indirectly, every human being has influenced me, I just can’t trace how. To deny that, to pretend to be reliant on myself or any one person or even just a handful of people is unrealistic and naive. I see that now.
Another short excerpt from page 63:
Sometimes when I meet with old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of our time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best of our time.
So, let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that.
Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize it's deeper value, then you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
And once you encourage the thought of compassion in your mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitudes towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, you can approach a relationship in which you, yourself, initially create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from the other person. And with that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly, or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that gives you a certain flexibility and the freedom to change your approach as needed.
End Excerpt.
I really like this part because it’s a good reminder of how to not start a conversation. When you answer the phone exasperated, and demand; “What?!” you automatically cut off any possibility of a deep or meaningful conversation. If the person on the other end wanted to tell you something serious or sentimental, they’ll probably change their tune to “oh, just want to say hi... guess I’ll talk to you later since you’re busy...”
It’s seven-thirty-four right now and My Boyfriend isn’t back. Who knows when and if he will be any time even remotely soon. I already am starting to feel sad again. I guess it’s time to get back to reading.