Gaming Buddies

Tuesday, January, 6th 2008 at 3:08pm

Ashley asks; “If you had to pick six experiences in your life that you feel are directly related to who you are now and/or your development they would be...?”
I might have to draft this out just to get a good answer; some of my first thoughts: My Crazy “Ninja” Ex putting a gun to my head, the house fire, My First Love breaking up with me, the time I got into a car with a stranger and he threatened me, the time my dad brought me ‘Justin’ the teady-bear from Lee’s house (where My First Love was staying) after the break-up, the time I climbed out the window and couldn’t get back in, the first time I cheated, the “alien abduction” with my aunt Mary, my first real meditation, the meditation with My First Love where he knew what I was “thinking” and “doing” without having any way of knowing through normal explanations, the first meditation with Tre, the walk I had with My Cool Girlbuddy and My Bestfriend the first time the three us of went out to Tift Farms and the Beach, the road trip with my dad... Damn that’s a lot. But are my top six in there or should I keep searching?
The “alien abduction” with Mary is certainly one of them. My First Love breaking up with me is for certain one of them; probably the first one. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex putting a gun to my head has to be on there so I have three so far. Meeting My Boyfriend and realizing I’m not alone for real for the first time might have to go on this list; but I don’t exactly remember the moment or event that triggered it; I think it came with time. That’s four. The road trip really ought to go on there – I did learn a lot, but was that experience essential to the person I am now?
Seeing Chuck cry was pretty deep for some reason. Seeing someone I thought of as shallow and immature and one-sided so upset really made me realize how deep each individual is; even when you don’t think very highly of them. I don’t think any of my sexual experiences in particular were profound except perhaps the cheating because of how much the guilt affected me and how I still dream about cheating and that awful feeling. I’m not sure there is a worse feeling.
Another key event was one particular night I was smoking with Tre, and we were just talking and I suddenly came to regret losing my virginity in a fling for the first time. I was sixteen at the time, so it was a full four-years after the fact, but the hurt was so deep and I cried so hard and I wrote a long entry about it the next day.
#1: [10/27/04] The most crucial event to my development of a person would have to be my first love and his leaving me. I’m surprised I don’t know the date off-hand, but I feel inspired to look it up... Well then, I found the date via my awesome-blog.
When My First Love left me I realized that before him I had no particular goal, and that becoming the best girl-friend possible to be to him had become my goal over the course of our relationship. Being good to him made me feel good about myself whereas “fucking up” made me feel terrible in a way I’d never experienced before. For My First Love I was willing to tame myself, teach myself, change myself, adapt myself into something better. After he left my goal only adjusted from being “the best girl for My First Love” into “the best girlfriend possible” which still to this day sticks with me.
Through that experience I gained much of my self-control, self-love, self-respect and gleaned a first glimpse of what’s truly important to me.
#2: I wish I knew the date, but I’d have to read my entire blog to figure it out. Telling the details would just make me seem like I’m either crazy or a liar. But to get the gist of it: My Aunt and I had a mutual experience that was bizarre to a degree beyond most people’s experience. The outcome left me believing things I would have never believed in had I not had that experience, and also giving me a solid foundation that can’t be argued against because of a solid shared experience.
#3: I can’t pinpoint a date for this one either because I’m not even sure if I wrote about it. I do know that it was either 2005 or 2006 because I was with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex at the time.
In conjunction with the event where My Crazy “Ninja” Ex put a gun to my head and with a lot of other things that happened between My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I there was a defining day where during an argument I stood up and really said what I felt. I stood up for myself even though I was physically weaker to an unimaginable degree. I stood up for myself despite how afraid I was of his reaction. That moment changed how I felt about standing up for my own dignity. Sometimes it has to be done; despite the risks.
#4: I think the first time I cheated would have to be next because of how severe the impact was. The guilt was immeasurable. I couldn’t keep it a secret. I couldn’t forgive myself. I have nightmares about cheating to this day. It was the beginning of my realization that I’m very loyal by nature. It took perhaps another ten experiences to really solidify that understanding of self – one of those experiences being the attempt at an open relationship with My Boyfriend.
#5: In the first few months I was with My Boyfriend; November 2006 to around March of 2007 I came to many conclusions and had many experiences that directly impact who I am now. One of the biggest breakthroughs was realizing I’d met someone “like myself” and that person being My Boyfriend. When we shared our deepest fears, fantasies, guilt, passions, and thoughts we found likeness in each other in ways we’d never found in anyone else.
At about the same time I was throwing house parties which were gatherings of losers getting together to share drugs and germs. I realized that I didn’t need people like that in my life anymore, or that sort of behavior at the same time.
Those two experiences are hand-in-hand not only because of their chronological closeness but also their relevance to each other. I didn’t need “losers” in my life anymore because I’d found someone like myself. And that opened to door to understanding that I was not alone and therefor I did not need to pretend I was something I wasn’t just to be around people.
#6: While many of the other things on my drafting list had a deeper impact or meaning at the time, my sixth choice is based on the wording of the question. “...directly related to who you are now...” Of all of the things I’ve thought of, the most relevant experience on my list is traveling to Tift Farms and the beach with My Bestfriend and My Cool Girlbuddy.
For one thing, I’d been missing being in nature for a long time and was feeling like there was no where I could go within driving distance to experience nature. Well, I was proved wrong on that note. Beyond that I had already come to the conclusion that having friends was not something I wanted or needed anymore. I decided that all I wanted or needed was one mate who’d be perfect for me. Why do I need more than one person anyway?
I also had previously believed that having more people in your life leads to having more problems and unhappiness. I believed that for good reason. In my past, it has been that way. But that day was so peaceful, reflective, innocent, happy... At the time I thought; “It rarely feels this good to be around My Boyfriend anymore.” And that really changed my perspective. It’s really about the sort of people you have in your life, not the number of them at all. I believe you can be happy with just one other person just as much as you can be happy with many people now. (And likewise just as unhappy.)
Ashley asks; “Is just not feeling up to the drive and whatever else would've gone on a good enough reason to not have come to buffalo today? (In your own opinion.)”
I reply; “I sometimes don't do things just because I don't feel up to the trip itself. I'd like to go see My Bestfriend at the cardshop, but I don't feel up the cold and the drive myself. I also don't feel up to seeing other people who might be at the cardshop. Those are probably the two real reasons I didn't decide to go, but I told myself that my reasons were that the car isn't legal right now, and that I just saw My Bestfriend yesterday and because I'd probably just be ignored if I went anyway.
“I don't let myself get away with feeling like that's okay though. I make sure to remind myself I'm being lazy. Of course, the other problem is that if I did go I'd feel guilty for not staying home and working on my novel and art – then again I have not worked on either yet today. But I'm having lots of interesting conversations.”

Wednesday, January, 7th 2008 at 4:45pm

A gaming friend writes me:
Phoenix,
Heh, be careful, you ask deep questions and you're going to get a long letter. Here goes...
In conclusion, I like the indirect conflict inherent in many euros (I especially enjoy auction games because of their push your luck aspect), and while I sympathize with your frustration at discovering you did get enough VP's (and many games encourage you to keep your VP's secret), in multi-player games I'm perfectly happy to score 2nd or 3rd. Dead last is a bit humiliating, but for some reason watching yourself be overrun in a direct confrontation is more frustrating. Mostly it's just hard when you lose because of your own mistakes, which seem stupid in retrospect. I like wargames, but 90% of them are 2 players, so I like the head to head matchup, and I don't have to worry about being ganged up on.
Relationships are rather personal, but let me see if I can shed a little light on my recent experiences. You have to understand that I was a later bloomer, I never dated in high school or college, and Kattie was only my second girlfriend, Jessica being the first. (I think you met Jessica at a few game nights in 2007). I know, 2 girls in 2 years, it seems like a flood to someone who was so used to drought.
Does it surprise you that we met online? Purely by happenstance. My aunt gave me 2 tickets to the orchestra and with no friends available I posted on My Mentor slist's "strictly platonic". Kattie was the first to reply, which is lucky, cause I think most of the other replies were older guys. But I think online is
one of the few places we could meet because we have almost nothing in common. At first we were just casual acquaintances, the few attempts I made early on to hang out with her were stymied by her crazy work schedule. Then she left for Seattle for six months in 2007. We started seeing a little more of each other this spring, and when she asked me if I'd like to go to Chicago for a weekend (to see her niece) I jumped at the road trip opportunity. I had a blast, nothing like 20 hours in the car to make you get to know someone.
I haven't had a lot of dates in the past few years, and combined with low self-esteem, I was excited by the prospect of having a relationship. My relationship with Jessica the previous year hadn't gone so well, (she was a geek, but rather hard to get along with) and in comparison Kattie was sweet and kind and understanding. I knew from the start that we didn't have a lot in common, but I wanted to grab onto the train and enjoy the ride.
We had some great times together, and I treated her as good as I could. But I didn't anticipate her falling in love with me, which she slowly did. The fact that I couldn't say "I love you" back became an issue. There wasn't anything about Kattie in specific that I was blinded to, I'd like to think I went in with
my eyes open. I tried to ignore our differences and just concentrate on what we did enjoy doing together. But it was talk of marriage and long-term commitment that finally scared me and made me realize that we had very different idea of where the relationship was going. Breaking it too her was hard, but the longer I waited, the worse it would be.
By the end the more time I spent with her, the more I felt like I was taking advantage of her affections, unable to pay back the debt. I was careful never to promise long-term commitment, but with a history of sub-par boyfriends, I think she assumed that my affections and endearments meant that I was committed to us for the long term. And just so you know, I do care for her, and am very grateful for everything we had, but I don't think I loved her. I'm not exactly sure what romantic love is yet, I've had crushes before, and several infatuations, but I'm not sure I've had the real thing.
Right now my problem was that my deep uncertainty about myself, my career, and my direction in life made this a bad time for commitment. And to be honest, I knew from early on that we were too different to be compatible for the long term. I have a lot more education and am much more well read, Kattie never understood what I did at work. We had different interests, I try not to drink much, so I wasn't very comfortable the few times I went with her to bars. She did enjoy playing some board games with me, but didn't share my interests in Sci-fi or Fantasy. We had opposite musical tastes. But mostly the lack of education meant that our conversations were pretty shallow. But she was very kind, and loving and good to me, and especially compared to the regular verbal abuse I suffered from Jessica, those are qualities I'm very grateful for. We never argued or fought, (sometimes that worried me at the end) but we did get along together very well. Kattie says I won't know until later what I'm giving up, and maybe she's right, but I have a deep feeling I have to search for more.
Even now, I feel guilty and responsible. Maybe I was unfairly using her, I tried to cover up my worries by making sure she was enjoying herself as much as possible. Maybe I should never have started dating her in the first place. But how can you know for certain at the start of a relationship how it will end? I'm very grateful for the experiences we had together, and I hope that I showed he that she deserves a man who can treater her at least as well as I did.
So what do I want? I'm still trying to figure that out. To be honest, the last two relationships were partially done just to see if I could, which isn't a very good reason. But I do get nostalgic about all the women I knew in college, especially when I saw how many of my classmates have hooked up at our 5th year reunion. It's true, my college had some very smart students.
Sure every geek would probably love to meet a bombshell blonde who also loves Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons. But if I learned anything from my last two relationships it's that looks aren't that important to me. Kattie was pretty and knew how to dress well, (Jessica less so), but both of them were admittedly large girls. I think my father is right that we should look for someone similar to yourself. I'd like to meet someone well educated, who enjoys reading, and hopefully also shares some of my geek interests (movies, books, games, tv shows). I'd forgotten how much fun it is to geek out with someone who is on the same wavelength. I don't mean to be elitist or aloof, but I am a child of intellectuals, both with Ph.D.'s, and I'd like to meet someone who can really challenge and inspire me. Physical attraction is just icing on the cake. Most of all, I don't want to feel like I'm settling for less.
So I hope that answers some of your questions. I'm thinking of leaving Buffalo soon, so I'm going through a period of soul-searching and self-doubt, trying to figure out what I want, and what's important to me. It's not easy. In the past I've procrastinated on answering the difficult questions, and looking at my peers I've come to regret my somewhat directionless lifestyle. Maybe I hold myself to too high standards, but I keep feeling I should do more.
I'm guessing you might be asking me these questions because of uncertainty about your own relationship? Given my lack of experience, I'm certainly not qualified to offer romantic advice. But you and Cor seem to have rather different interests, and I'm reminded that as people change sometimes relationships don't last. Maybe you guys are right for each other, but you're young enough that I don't want you committing too early. Most of my friends and family didn't get married until their late 20's. I just want to remind you that you're a very bright and outgoing young woman, and I see a lot of promise and opportunity in your future. I truly believe that we can do anything, it's just a My Bestfriender of wanting it enough. (and being an intellectual I believe that it's education and learning that is the key to success.) I'm just not quite sure what I should be wanting...
Anyway, pardon me if I overstepped my bounds. I understand that everyone has their own path in life. I have a great respect for you and your mother (who seems to carry the world on her shoulders). I like writing long letters, and explaining myself has been cathartic. I've only talked about the breakup to a few people. So thanks for giving me the opportunity.
Peace
P.S. Despite telling me I'd never hear from her again, Kattie wrote me on Friday asking if we could "just be friends". So while I want to avoid getting her hopes up, I hope to keep in casual contact in the future.
I write My Gaming Friend back:
Hey!
Long letters are good things you know; they don’t bother me in the least. Especially when someone takes the time to write me a personal one. Copy and pasted articles and such I’m not so fond of; unless perhaps the article is quoted in linked within a personal letter that mentions why I’d be interested, you know? Anyway, that’s a complete side topic with no relevance at all.
I grew up with several games where it’s possible to gang up on another player; such as conquest, risk, and monopoly. These games test your diplomacy and make a cut-throat game play a bad strategy because it makes everyone go for you. It’s made me learn to play very defensively and try as little as possible to disrupt other people. Towards the end everyone has been busy beating on each other in one way or another that I’m sitting there with all the resources. Of course, this technique requires being backed up by good game play, but since I’m accustomed to it I rather enjoy it. It gives me an excuse to be a diplomat.
If you’d ever played a sort of game like that with me then you’d undoubtedly hear me say things like “you wouldn’t really want to attack me would you? After all, what have I ever done to you? I’m just sitting here all peacefully.” I really do seriously say things like that, and mean it too.
I don’t mind coming in second place really, I don’t really mind losing in general when it’s my own fault. Then I know I can do better next time. It’s when I lose because a game has no balance or strategy involved that I get annoyed. Then I feel like I wasted my time and effort on the roll of a die; you know what I mean? Sometimes it can be frustrating if you only lost because of a bad first move, but that’s usually only when you play a game for the first time, in which case I don’t really expect to win anyway.
That’s the one part of dominion that seems broken to me; the part where you can have an amazing deck that lets you buy all sorts of cool things, and yet the other person somehow managed to buy the last province before you. In my own print-out version I’m very likely to transform the game; I mean, I couldn’t just make the same thing could I? How fun and artistic and creative would that be?
Firstly, I’m not surprised you have not had a lot of relationships; in general, guys seem to have had less relationships than women (how that makes sense I don’t know – since it theoretically should be equal. Perhaps girls count more relationships that guys? Perhaps lots of girls are dating other girls? Perhaps every girl all dated the same guy?), especially when we’re talking under twenty-five.
I, on the complete other end of the scale, was a very early bloomer. I was (literally) trying to get laid by the time I was eleven. And was successful just before I turned thirteen. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I’ve met a few people I first talked to online. The first was sort of a counselor to me when I was eleven. He was twenty years older than me, and I didn’t tell him that when we were first talking. In our first conversation (due to my impeccable typing and word choices) he believed I was around twenty-seven. His estimate had dropped to about eighteen by the time I really told him how old I was. He was so upset that at first he thought I was lying, then he switched to not talking to me, then after a long time I convinced him to start talking to me on the phone; and like that I ended up with a very helpful and loving guide who was out of the picture. We actually ended up meeting with my parent’s approval. In more recent times I met a female friend who is a couple years younger than me; and that went well enough. I also attempted a sort of date with a guy who lives in Rochester and that was... Bland at best.
I completely understand the whole “this one is so different, so they have to be perfect!” thing that happens when getting into a relationship. I speculated very hard for the first three months what My Boyfriend and I could ever possibly argue about. By that time I knew well enough that the love-high wouldn’t last, and the sweetness would fade, and only if we were lucky would we still be able to like or love each other after two years. But in the beginning you see nothing but how much better and how much more wonderful they are than what was previous. My Boyfriend was neat whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was messy. My Boyfriend was interested in art, whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was into martial arts. My Boyfriend could relate to the things I’d felt, whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was the sort of guy who used to pick on girls like me back in grade school.
I’m conflicted as to whether I’m happy that you went in “with your eyes open” or whether that makes me sad. Perhaps this is why women always seem to have had more relationships than men. Men don’t fall in love with every woman they date, but it seems as though women almost invariably do; given enough time. If you had loved her, the relationship probably would have taught you a lot more than it did, which brings me to my next thought.
I was just discussing with My Cool Girlbuddy yesterday how the development of one area of ourselves is almost invariably limiting the development of another area. There is nothing wrong with that of course, it’s natural, and specialization in the various industries is what has allowed humans to come so far as a race. However, when it comes to relationships there is a lot to be learned; and likewise a lot to be missed. I, being an early bloomer, and in addition being a lonely child, became rather sex-hungry and desperate. This, was in many cases, a bad thing; but it did bring me a lot of experience unusual for my age. I’ve been infatuated more times than I can count, in more relationships than I’d like to mention, slept with more guys than I’m proud of, and had all sorts of unsightly labels stuck on my head.
But, I’ve been in love three times, and had three two-year relationships that have defined me as a person and given me everything that I live by (aside from my parents of course). How do I know I was really in love each of these times? For one, break-up is difficult. It’s not easy on either side when love is involved; in fact, when both people are still in love than a real break-up doesn’t actually happen. Sure, you may move out, you may stop talking as often, you may start dating other people, but like in the case of my first love – we didn’t really break up until I fell in love again which was around two and half months after the official break-up. So, that’s one way to know it was genuine.
Another way to tell if it was real love is that you’d never feel guilty about them doing something for you. Which is why I’d say you weren’t. You felt like you were taking advantage of her towards the end, and if you really loved her then you would feel blissfully happy when she did things for you because it would make you happy that she was returning your love back to you. (This of course can be distorted and complicated for people who don’t believe they deserved to be loved by anyone.)
Of course, there is no absolute definition of love, and there is no amount of words that can perfectly sum up love as a whole, but I think that one particular love between two people can usually be well explained in a poem or sonnet if thought about carefully enough. My conclusions have been thus: Love is a so broad that each love in completely unique and not easily compared with previous or future loves; love itself is not painful but will undoubtedly result in much misery; the misery that comes as a result of love is always worth it; love between two people is more than the sum of it’s parts; love can conquer all, but rarely does.
Also, if you do experience true love, you’ll know. It’s like an orgasm; you can’t miss it. Just like you can’t forget how to ride a bike. At the very, very least, you know you love someone truly when they’re gone.
I may be very biased, but I think from my very subjective perspective that your “deep uncertainty” about yourself, your career and “direction in life” are almost a direct result of not ever having been truly in love. One thing I’ve started noticing since my first heart-break is the importance of your first heart-break. It makes you an adult in a way that few other things can. I believe there are only a small selection of experiences that make people grow up, and heart-break is almost always the first: your first baby, the death of your parents, war, and, as I said, your first-love breaking your heart.
For me, I have not experienced any of the first three, so I can’t speak much on those (thankfully.) After discussing this topic at length with a number of people I’ve come to a number of conclusions about the significance of the end of your first real love. For one; it’s devastating. If you’ve never felt suicidal over a woman before, then you likely have never been in love with one. Anyone who doesn’t understand why you would feel suicidal over a relationship, probably has never been in love deeply enough to go through the experience I’m referring to. While the depth of the realizations that occur vary depending on the person and the duration of the relationship; there is always the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore when separated from your first love. It seems over-played in the movies, but often I believe it’s played down.
At one particular time after My First Love left me (in 2004) I was with my mother and my cousin. I wasn’t very close to my cousin, so you know, crying and such would be very inappropriate and likely make him uncomfortable. My mom told me to do something, and while I was trying to hold it together, I found it impossible. She pressed on, unaware of my distress and I ended up screaming at her (through instant tears) “I don’t want to live anymore.” And when I say screaming, I really mean screaming. I’m not sure there are many other times I’ve screamed that loud in my life. And that’s just one example of how effected I was personally. I’ve heard countless similar accounts and have become convinced that it’s not only normal, but healthy in it’s own way.
So, back to why I think this is reason for your uncertainty. After that, you’re independent in a new way. Sometimes that way isn’t always positive. (For My Boyfriend it resulted in two years of very dark depression in which he blocked out all affections of all kinds. In his case it actually caused damage to his psyche and world-view.)
While getting your heart crushed is a real confidence-bummer, being able to pick yourself back up again feels very revitalizing. It’s as if you’re reborn when you pick yourself back up. My second time around, after Tre, I had so much more confidence that it’s really quite amazing. I was timid about confrontations, completely lost in social situations and very much a hermit before Tre, and after, I was finally able to be a “full human” in my own words.
And now, on my third time around, I can’t say I’ve ever been more confident in myself, or that I’ve ever been more sure about where I am going and what I am doing now. Not that I have it all figured out, but that (for me) being in a relationship helps speed the process. I always have someone to bounce my ideas of off, no My Bestfriender how personal they are. I always have someone to cry to, no My Bestfriender how trivial my complaint. I always have someone to confess to, no My Bestfriender how large or small my fault. I think that’s vitally important, even if you find it in a friend instead of a relationship.
Back to what I said about how one area excels at the expense of another area. While I was developing my marital skills, most kids were learning how to be teens. Some got part time jobs, some partied a lot, some started life-long friendships, some got into trouble and learned many things the hard way. Whereas I learned about things you normally don’t learn about until your mid-twenties or so: like when your significant other likes less or more affection than you do; when they are cleaner or messier than you are; how to resolve clothing disputes and toilet-seat up or down; when to eat, when to not eat, what to eat, and where to eat (because in a relationship; suddenly all the stupid little things My Bestfriender); who to talk to, who to ignore, when to cancel, when to postpone (because priorities speak volumes when someone is in love with you); when to give-in and when to push back and even when to refuse to have sex and when to give in even though you’re not in the mood.
So, that is where I excel. I’m a master of relationships thus far in my life. I know how to carefully form my points and to bring them up at the right time and how to argue them out carefully and pointedly and when to shut-up already. You, however, I notice, are the small-talk-wizard. You always have something witty and border-line meaningful to say about the smallest little things. A talent I’d love to pick up. It’s very useful for gatherings of mixed company and for short conversations with people you barely know. I’m so used to long conversations that go on for hours and hours that I find summing up any of my thoughts in a short and concise way a bit tedious. (Heck, take this letter for example.)
Just as a by-the-by, in direct response to the things you said about your relationship with Kattie. My Boyfriend enjoys some board games, but not most. We have comparable educational levels; though that is often hard for him to admit since he’s been to college and I have not. One issue we’ve faced is getting him to acknowledge that I am just as intelligent and knowledgeable as he is, despite the seven-year age difference and his three years in college. We’re both fairly well-read though both of us are less-read than you would expect for all of the things that we know.
Corvier is very much into fantasy and sci-fi and that is one area we agree on almost perfectly. Though we’re lately have disputes about movies because I’m no longer interested in watching movies that are particularly violent because I’m sick of having nightmares and violent thoughts. Our musical tastes are barely compatible in any area at all. It’s lucky we can agree on a very small genre of anime music.
But, the point I’m getting to is that none of that My Bestfrienders in the end. There are four things that My Bestfriender when it comes to if a relationship will work and if it should work: How much you love them, how much they love you, their priorities and your priories. When both of you agree that the other person is the first priority in their life above all else, with no exceptions what-so-ever and you also are both deeply in love, then a relationship will last; then it’s worth getting married. Because if those conditions are met, backgrounds, interests and everything else no longer My Bestfriender. Your interest in board games for example, comes second to your love for the right girl, therefor if she wants to cuddle and you want to play a game, then you’ll give in for her. And likewise, she should be equally willing to give up cuddling for the game she doesn’t really want to play. If you’re both equally willing to give in because the other person is a higher priority then your own want, then you’re home-free.
I make it sound easy, don’t I? Now try finding that person who you’re willing to put first, and just pray very hard they’re willing to do the same for you! That’s why My Boyfriend and I are still together: I’m very willing to put him first, and he is coming around slowly but surely.
As a last note on that thought; she said you didn’t know what you were giving up. She said that because she loves you; and she said that because she loves you dearly enough to be a very sweet wife and possibly is willing to put you first in her life. And while that’s beautiful and great, it’s not worth a whole heck of a lot if you can’t return it. I do hope you’re able to become friends.
Your father is right that you need to look for someone like yourself; because you won’t be willing to put that person first (nor will you fall in love with them in the first place) if you don’t relate and have a good time together as well as connecting on a deep level. Mort, a marital expert who gets paid a bundle to solve people’s relationship issues asks the question: “Where does love happen in your relationship?” It’s a very key question.
For me, love happens when: a deep conversation occurs, something is said that stirs a deep intellectual response within me or when I stir a deep intellectual response, when I’m deeply inspired or when I inspire deeply, when I’m cheered up after feeling very dreadful or when I cheer someone up, when I’m challenged in a friendly way, when I’m corrected, when I’m being taught something I’m enjoying learning or when I teach something I enjoy teaching, when mutually satisfying sex occurs (which happens when some of the other things I mentioned happen first), when I’m motivated to do something good and productive or when I motivate someone to do something good or productive, when I share a secret or something I feel guilty about or when I’m entrusted with a secret, when I am given or when I give a meaningful gift, when I am given or give a well-wrapped gift, when I give or am given a personal artwork, and so forth. Notice that love happens not only when you receive but when you give. And this is not just in romantic relationships, this is with all people, and even with things. When a thing inspires you, like a car, or a computer, or an artwork, or nature, you fall more deeply in love with that thing. It can be very accurate when a person says; “I love my car.” What they really mean is; “I’ve invested in this car, and this car has done great things back for me. And over time, I’ve grown to really love our relationship.”
Mort talks about where love happens and how to increase your love; not how to solve your problems; because love is the only thing that will solve your problems. I find this to be very deeply true. (Notice I keep using the word “deep” – It’s almost comical, but really, I’m serious.)
As I was writing that list of things that make love happen I realize that the level of “love” I feel towards every person I know can be easily measured by the number of times we have shared those experiences. I suppose, I could say that I love you. Not in a mushy way of course. I don’t think most people would define how I feel about you as love at all, but when you teach me board games I do feel a connection with you as well as the game, and that connection is love; even if it isn’t romantical or fantastical or something that is commonly acknowledged. I bet that if Kattie enjoyed learning how to play games with you, that you and her would have experienced a very deep connection through the learning, teaching and competing process. I know that I feel that way when My Boyfriend and I play games together; and in fact, all of the people I’ve played board games with in my life are people I care about much more than most everyone (with a few exceptions) I have not played games with.
I notice that I love my mother much more than my father because many of those things on the list apply to my mom hundreds of times over whereas only a few of the things on my list apply to my father. I think it might help clear up your direction in life if you write down the things that make love happen for you. I’m guessing you’ll find your list very similar to mine.
While I find it hard to date someone or even look at someone in “that” light if I don’t find them attractive, I agree that looks are just not very important at all. Mainly I can’t date someone or think of them in that light if they look unhealthy to me, and fat is unhealthy in ninety-nine out of one-hundred cases or less, so that is something very difficult for me to get past. When I do grow to care about someone who is overweight I find it increasingly difficult to be around them without plastering them with health advice; hence I find it difficult to befriend overweight people.
Ha, I’m the bombshell blonde! I rock! Except that I’m not blonde. I wish I knew how damn cool I am back when I was younger. My standards were low, along with my self-esteem. I didn’t think well of myself and it showed. Now, I can honestly say I rock to no end. I’m a one-of-a-kind catch, and let me tell you, if My Boyfriend ever forgets it I won’t hang around anymore. I finally understand my own worth for the first time in my life. There are thousands (probably millions) of intelligent guys out there just dying for a woman like me, and I really don’t think it’s fair that there are not more women out there who can truly compensate.
Healthy, attractive, intelligent and creative women are as rare as diamonds, or even more so. I’ve met very few in my life, and I’ve heard a number of reports concurring that I’m one of two or three that most people have met. I suppose this is something I should remember writing the next time I feel depressed. It sounds very egotistical indeed, but it’s also very soothing to know that I’m a loved and desired person. It’s really two entirely different things to be a loved person than it is to feel like a loved person, and at the moment I really feel very loved.
I’m glad you got the chance to get all of that out on paper. I make it very ritual to get all of my feelings and thoughts out at least either to My Boyfriend or in my blog. If not both.
On a slightly different topic, I think we know each other a lot better now, and on a much less superficial level. I’m much better at being intellectual and “deep” on paper than I am in person. Perhaps some of the things I say and my attitudes will make more sense to you now: I know that the things you have revealed to me make your actions much more clear in retrospect.
Love, (in a strictly I-like-playing-board-games-with-you friendly sort of way)
Atara

PS: You thought your letter was long. You wrote me two pages I wrote you back five!


Wednesday, January, 7th 2008 at 9:27pm

I cleaned for two hours, ate green pepper and nuts, talked to My Boyfriend on the phone, talked on IM for about an hour, googled my name and removed some unsightly things from the web, wrote on my novel for an hour, reviewed My Bestfriend's anime list, created my own anime list, downloaded a movie, watched an episode of Gunslinger girl while eating an apple and cheese, exercised for about ten minutes, and organized a bunch of random stuff in the craft room.

Dear Phoenix,
Thanks for writing back, I appreciate you writing in such depth. It's been a while since I gotten such a long letter. I just want to respond to a few points.
I understand all about convincing other players to ignore you and attack each other. I'm just not very good at it. And prefer to win because of strategizing as opposed to my powers of persuasion. I agree that luck can be annoying at the end of a long game, that's why I prefer heavy amount of luck only in quick games. But even with luck I believe that in general better players will win more of the time. And I like luck or chaos in my games to make me believe I might just win, even against a better strategist. Pure strategy games like chess are too intense for me.
As for Dominion I know that drawing the last card to win is annoying. An easy way to counter that is to keep playing after someone ends the game, until everyone has had the same number of turns. Just keep track of the starting player. Sure you may only be able to buy estates and duchies after I've snagged all the provinces, but at least we all got the same number of turns. I should get some benefit for snagging provinces faster than you.
As to general dominion strategy, I though you'd like this. Copied from BGG, here's an overview of the five layers of Dominion:
First layer: players learn the rules and start playing with a few cards just to see how they work.
Second layer: players become familiar with the various cards and their mechanics. They develop preferences for certain cards and begin to have a strategy in mind.
Third layer: players experiment with certain combinations of cards. (The Smithy is better if you can play a Village first. Or the Remodel will let you turn a Gold Treasure directly into a Province. Etc).
Fourth layer: players now start to think about making their deck efficient. (Buying too many action cards doesn’t work. Buying victory points too early clogs up your deck; waiting too long for VP’s is dangerous too. Buying treasure is good, but a few actions will help grease the wheels.)
Fifth layer: players finally start to think of their deck in relation to what others are building. It isn’t good enough to build well; you have build faster than the other player. If possible, you want to throw some sand in his gears.
Anyway enough about games. I've been obsessed with them of late, I think, as a way of forgetting about more important issues. Cause the truth is in My Bestfrienders of life and love, little wooden cubes seem kinda small in comparison.
Some people have lots of partners, some few, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are compensating for me. I wish them all the pleasures of unwanted children and STD's (not to mention heartbreak). I used to angst a lot about being a virgin cause I thought I was missing out on something big, now I realize that sex isn't that big a deal. It's love that we're all searching for, and that's a lot more complicated.
I disagree with your gender stereotypes, but I understand where you're coming from. I've been a lot of guys and girls and it's hard for me to generalize.
I think Kattie is right that I wouldn't let myself fall in love with her. To be more blunt I saw a lot of futures for the two of us, and I didn't like where we were going. Cause in the end there are things more important to me than her. And I didn't lose them.
When I was in high school I was friends, and later had a crush on, a very smart beautiful girl who senior year had 3-4 boyfriends. I thought she slept around, and it hurt me to not be able to be one of those guys. Smart as she was, she played things a little too close to the edge, and had to drop out of college.
But now, years later, she's doing great, in a Ph.D. program for Math at MIT, and seems happy. And it turns out she wasn't half as gregarious (wrong word) in high school as my teenage mind imagined. So we all mistakes as teenagers, and that's okay.
I don't think you need heartbreak to be an adult, but if it helps you re-evaluate your life and grow up, then I suppose it can be useful. And midlife crisis (and quarterlife crisis, what I might be going through) show that even adults have periods of self-doubt.
Before I came to Buffalo I knew an amazing girl, I met her at a science fiction convention, and only knew her for a few months. I was smitten, and I don't know if it was love or infatuation, but I was head over heels for her. She liked me, but she couldn't return my feelings, so it's hard for me to judge quite what I felt. She taught me a lot and reminded me what a broken heart felt like. I had no claim to her, but even now I look back at the memories with regret and longing and just a bit of jealousy. Maybe it's the ones you only have for a short time that you miss the most. So I know something about broken hearts. Why do you think I was so eager to run towards the first person who seemed attracted to me? Not a rebound exactly, but I probably had a bit of a chip on my should, something to prove to myself.
I certainly understand all the benefits of having a partner and someone you can depend on. But I'm a feminist and liberal at heart, and I believe that men and women should be happy and confident on their own before they go looking for a partner. I know that relationships are about co-dependency, but I was raised that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". I know plenty of friends and family who happy living single lives, including my great-aunt worked until 84 as a scientist at the University of Iowa and never married. As a champion of independence, I worry a bit that you feel you need a guy to be happy. And that's probably also why I worry about "settling for less", if I don't "need" a partner
than I should aspire for the best. Heh. I'll let you know when I'm 40 how that's working for me.
I'm glad you have developed all those important relationship skills. It was easier for me to enjoy being with Kattie partially because we only saw each other once or twice a week, so the time we spent together was special. Certainly co-habitation requires more work, and I worry that some of my ticks would get on her nerves. (whoever her is) I'm sure that one way or another in the next 10 years you'll learn about living independently, cooking for yourself, etc. etc.
Thanks for the compliment, I like to talk, but it's also one of my faults. I drove several friends at college nuts by talking too much, or too loudly, and I have a great fear of being ostracized by my peers, because it's happened before. (but that's a topic for another day) I call myself an introverted extrovert because I act all friendly and outgoing, but I'm actually often lonely and have difficulty going out, or building relationships with people.
I'm glad you and My Boyfriend share similar interests. I just noticed some tension, when he blows you off occasionally. But I certainly don't see you guys very often, and it's not my place to pass judgement. The important thing is that you're happy.
We all sacrifice for our partners, doing things the other prefers, although in a perfect world we'd be exactly the same, and always agree. And that would be very boring. I like the differences, they're what inspire me to go our of my comfort zone and try new things. I wouldn't have dressed up and gone bar hopping on Halloween if it wasn't for Kattie, I would have stayed home and been boring.
I have noticed that often one person sacrifices more than the other, or maybe one person loves the other more. And probably we shouldn't measure this, because it's probably always changing in a relationship, relative to how much attachment we have, or how much we take the other for granted. Of course it's easy to criticize from the peanut gallery. As long as you both have similar ideas of
your future together, you should be okay.
I really like your paragraph about inspiration. It's a wonderful thing. The right partner can definitely inspire you to be a better person. One of my problems recently is that I haven't felt really inspired for a while, I'd probably be a lot happier if I felt convinced I should do one thing. Instead I
float around in a sea of blah, searching for solid land I can build on.
Sure, there's many kinds of love. I love playing games with you, you're a mentally stimulating opponent, you inspire me to bring out my "A" game. I also love the way you are curious and kind enough to try out new games. I get excited by intellectual curiosity, and I think gaming is a good to exercise your brain. I'm grateful for all the fun evenings we three have spent together.
Mmmm, yes I noticed that health was a sensitive topic for you. I think a lot of overweight people know they are out of shape, and should be healthier, but I think the last thing they need is a sermon, especially from a pretty girl who's a stick. I know you mean well, but personal health, like religion and politics, is a rather touchy topic, and something I wouldn't bring up with casual acquaintances. I understand where you're coming from, but I remember some game parties when you were a little hard on some of my guests.
You are an pretty cool girl, and I'm glad you feel good about yourself. Let me know if you ever need your ego inflated. On a personal note, I am glad that I know you a little better, as more than just "Ruth's daughter". I get a better idea where you're coming from. I too am much better at writing than saying. I learned this the hard way during breakups. I can write cracker-jack letters, but garble my speeches. It's really nice to be able to write to someone on a more personal level. I have a lot of casual friends in Buffalo, but very few that I open up to.
I know I seem confident on the outside, and certainly have a lot backing me, but underneath it all, I am prone to bought of depression and insecurity. I worry a lot about not having enough friends, or enough of a social circle. The slightly lonely childhood, and worrying you're not cool enough. It's all tied in with being a geek. (clearly I should have been seducing young girls at age 12) But it's hard, when you get the lonely feeling, so it's certainly nice to have someone who you can talk to honestly and frankly. So thanks.
Peace,
My Gaming Friend (who usually gets sappy when writing long emotional letters)