You're Wrong, I'm Wrong, We're All Wrong

December, 24th 2008 at 9:01am

Mom sent me:
“It's like he's literally purposely ignoring my point just to say that I'm wrong,” I said.
“Unfortunately, nearly all men do that. Women too, but not as pointedly. For a man, winning is everything, never-mind the logic. For a woman, the logic is the most important,” Mom says.
“And it hurts so much to stand so alone in what I believe in, on top of standing alone physically as well,” I said.
“It’s what we all do, in the end. You have to believe in and fight for what you think is right, but live in the real world,” Mom says.
“In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't My Bestfriender what anyone else thinks, says, or does. What's important is what you believe and how strongly you believe in it,” Will said.
“Will is right,” Mom says.
“I can't really blame him for not wanting to accept anything out of the framework of his ideas of the world, because I similarly reject what people are saying if it's outside my framework as well. We all do. We're all narrow-minded in our own subjective way. I hate how he pretends to be above narrow-mindedness, but of course I pretend the same. I suppose I can't blame the mirror of it's my reflection that is upsetting me, can I?” I said.
“My old refrain: you can take someone only one step. Even someone like My Bestfriend. People can't grasp a whole reality which is different from what they perceive it as,” Mom says.

Friday, January, 2nd 2008 at 1:00am

So I’m extremely late at reading that. Very comforting to reread what Will said actually. What’s important is what I believe and how strongly I believe it. I like that thought a lot.

Friday, January, 2nd 2008 at 8:07pm

“You could match up your volcanoes for future eruption,” says My Bestfriend. (We’re playing Taluva, but it was a hilarious statement.
“Stop quoting us and play the damn game,” Alex says to My Cool Girlbuddy because she’s quoting them too in her blog. It’s too funny.

Saturday, January, 3rd 2008 at 1:35pm

I’m about to teach my dad to play Starcraft. This should be interesting.













Saturday, January, 3rd 2008 at 12:48pm

Atara, if you post this entry I’m going to kill you. This entry is NOT for POSTING online.

It’s happening to me again; the same way it did when I was fourteen (or fifteen.) I feel so guilty that I have to write about it – perhaps then I can stop thinking about it. Of course, it’s occurred to me that I likely enjoy thinking about it, which is probably why I keep thinking about it.
I clearly have a crush on My Bestfriend. I’m intelligent enough to understand that it’s a crush, but I also know from experience all the places a crush can lead. It can become a one-nighter that’s regretted (which is impossible with My Bestfriend), or it can become a new relationship (which is impossible with My Bestfriend) or it could (in the past) cause me to be a cheater (which is impossible with My Bestfriend and would be highly regrettable and reproachful.)
I can’t act on it; but I’m terrified of what I’d do if I could! I’m supposed to be stronger than this now. I’m not supposed to be drawing lines as to what is and isn’t cheating. I’m not supposed to be thinking about him in that light. But I keep doing it.
I want to be My Bestfriend’s friend. I like being his friend. I have no reason to go any further with him. No reason at all. I have a boyfriend who I love; and it’s better that My Bestfriend is a friend. That means I can have both even though I can’t have both. You know?
But this obsession is going too far. God, My Boyfriend would kill me if he knew how aroused I get when I’m around My Bestfriend. I know and understand why. I’m psychologically wired in such a way that intelligence in some new man will make me wet all over the place. But could My Boyfriend take that and understand that in any such way that doesn’t piss him off?
Of course, it’s already gotten “better” than when I first met My Bestfriend. I generally don’t get so horny that I have to restrain myself around him anymore. No, I’m past that now. But that’s what’s beginning to worry me. I’ve actually moved on to a different phase... And this one might be worse. I keep desiring to be closer to My Bestfriend, and it doesn’t have to be in a sexual way even though I often imagine it that way. Not that I actually play out the sex in my mind – no, I’ve done that once or twice, but it’s not a frequent thing. It’s more that I keep imagining that first step; the kiss.
This sounds distinctly like a crush, doesn’t it? Something that will pass. I’m positive that I can move past this; but I hate knowing that I have to keep this from My Boyfriend. He’d never understand. And even if he did understand he’d still have right to be upset. In other words, it’s worth being upset about it, but it’s not worth leaving me over it and I’m not sure he’d see it that way, and beyond that, his actions, even if they don’t intend to separate us, likely would if he knew.
He knows I have a “crush.” I blushed when he referred to it as a crush, and he played it off like it was okay. Does that mean he trusts me? Does that mean he understands? I don’t know, but it makes me feel this strange feeling in my stomach and chest to think that he may. If he already gets it then I don’t have to feel so guilty; or do I?
Guilt is useless of course, but it’s also something that I can only relieve myself of through logic. And my logic says that I’m guilty. Because even if My Boyfriend understands how I feel, he doesn’t know what I’ve done.
Oh, I feel it’s dangerous to write this. It could be perilous to my relationship, but if My Boyfriend decided to read my business and figured out the password to this document as well, then I guess he’s meant to find out. The chances are slim at best of that happening; so why do I shiver like writing this down in tantamount?
It’s all about intentions. It’s all about what you wanted to happen. Not what actually happened. That’s why I feel so guilty. My Bestfriend won’t do anything with me. In fact, I wish he’d try so I could stop him and so I could tell myself that I’d have the control to. I’m so terrified that I wouldn’t. I’m so terrified that I’m shaking right now. I’m supposed to have self-control! I was past this years ago! Wasn’t I?
The shame... It leaks off me like sweat from a race-horse. I have no words for how bad I feel about what I’m about to commit to this screen. What I’m about to put into digital information. What I want noone to read and yet what I feel I have to expose somewhere. It must be shared with some other location than my mind so that I can stop feeling so heavy. This weight on my chest is so constricting.
Let’s start small shall we? At the New Years Eve party at Asa’s house... I placed my sock-clad toes atop My Bestfriend’s sock-clad toes. I did this because I missed him; because I hadn’t seen him in so long. Innocent enough, right? But it’s my intent that’s so hurtful to my own morality. I wanted him to wiggle his toes, and to move his foot back against mine. I wanted to feel more of him but I couldn’t. I wanted to hug him, to touch him, to kiss him... God, will I ever stop thinking about kissing him?
I do love My Boyfriend’s lips. It’s not that his are inadequate. It’s not that. It’s that... Oh, the confession! It’s that My Boyfriend himself shows inadequacy. His sex is good. His looks are perfect for my taste. His art is beautiful. But those are just the surface; his mind and how we interact are key. And I hate to admit this... But the truth is that the way we interact doesn’t fully fulfill me and I feel like it should. Like if it did, then I wouldn’t need any friends at all. The problem is... That anyone who can fill a gap inside me that My Boyfriend leaves behind... That person might have power over me that could be dangerous.
Just now... Just now My Bestfriend called me; he left his laptop here last night. He came to pick it up. He hugged me. It felt so good. I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t; but I touched his hair. I looked into his eyes and I saw someone I love. I love him at as a close friend; but I desire more. I’m not in love with him in that romantic way, but I know it wouldn’t be so hard to. I know that I could.
If My Boyfriend were to confess that he felt this way about another woman... I’d be so heartbroken. I’d cry and cry and cry. I feel close to tears just thinking about how upset I’d be. I’d undoubtedly curl up on his chest in a ball of tears moaning “mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine... You’re mine!” I know how devastated I would feel, even if he were to add “but I still want to be with you, I don’t want to act on these feelings.”
But there is the catch; intellectually I feel it would be best not to act on these feelings but emotionally I feel like it would feel so good. Of course, I know it wouldn’t. It would feel amazing if I were single, but I’m not single. I’m with My Boyfriend; and if I were to cheat on him I’d never forgive myself. In comparison, it doesn’t even My Bestfriender if he’d forgive me or not – because I couldn’t forgive me. I’d hate myself for it. I’d never let myself forget it. It would completely ruin me. I know that. I know that from experience. So, I would stop My Bestfriend if he were to come on to me! Wouldn’t I? Knowing how much I’d hate myself... I’d have to.
But what if I was so overcome with desire that I forgot? Oh Christ no! Luckily, My Bestfriend would never do that. But just thinking about my on control... My own intent. That’s what’s worrying me so badly. It’s my intent that’s scaring me.
You see; My Bestfriend believes that people need physical contact; though he himself doesn’t want to have sex for his own personal reasons. I’m sure he eventually will find the right girl and all of that; but I secretly wish to no end that he wanted me to be his first. Even if it never happened, I wish that he wanted to be me. Terribly selfish, I know.
So about that physical contact... My Bestfriend is okay with touching other guys that are his friends – often people think this means he’s gay. He has this friend Chris; and the two of them will lay all over each other if they’re tired. They hug. They have no personal space boundaries with each other at all. My Bestfriend says he wishes he could be like this with everyone. But while this is accepted between two single people, or two straight people of the same sex, it’s not very acceptable for someone like me, in a relationship, to “cuddle” with someone of the opposite sex... Especially not when I “want” to do more.
It started when we were watching a movie. We were sitting close together, but nothing was odd or noticeable about that. Nothing that wasn’t innocent or harmless...
The movie wasn’t hard to follow at all; it was a simple movie full of small subtleties. In other words; it was a good movie but it wasn’t epic and therefor it was easy to be distracted by how close he was to me. I moved closer. We sort of ‘fell’ into a position where his hand ended up on my leg. He didn’t “rub” me or anything like that, but I kept wishing that he would. I kept thinking about it. I was so aware of it the entire time. I liked it so much, and I feel so bad for liking it so much.
He told me later that he believed I was taking things the wrong way. That he believing being close was important because it helps people feel good about themselves, and he’s right, but it also arises feelings that were hard enough to ignore even beforehand.
Now, every time I see him I take advantage of the fact that I can touch him; especially because I know he won’t let me “cheat.” If I try, he’ll stop me. And the worst part is, that I have tried... Back when I was planning on leaving My Boyfriend I tried. Yes, it was different then because I didn’t expect to be staying with My Boyfriend anyway, but that doesn’t make it right; it just gives it an unworthy excuse.
I tried to kiss My Bestfriend on one of the days where I believed things were completely over between My Boyfriend and I. I didn’t believe that My Boyfriend was going to try or that he was going to turn over a new leaf like he has. And I tried very hard to get My Bestfriend to kiss me. I tried embarrassingly hard.
I curled up beside him, which My Bestfriend has no objection to. I put my arm around him; and he didn’t stop me from doing that either. And after talking for a long time I leaned in to kiss him, and he knows how I feel... How can he not? The way I behave makes it so obvious.
I said, “Why not?”
He said, “But wouldn’t you regret it.”
I said, “I’m not in a frame of mind where I care.”
I feel so ashamed of myself. I’m so glad he stopped me and reminded me that I’d regret it... But, I kissed his neck. I did so several times. He didn’t respond in any sexual way; as is typical for My Bestfriend. I’ve never noticed him getting an erection, or making a sexual comment, or anything even like that. It’s as if the guy is perfectly sexless; completely happy with his virginity. So odd, and yet so respectable. I envy him in a way.
He looked at me as if I were some sort of curious creature he didn’t understand that day. I felt absolutely ridiculous and yet couldn’t help pushing him as far as he’d let me go. I told myself I only wanted a kiss, and that if I’d get that I’d stop. But would I? What if he had let me? Would I have stopped? And if he wanted me, would I leave My Boyfriend for him? I shouldn’t.
Intellectually, I also know that’s a bad idea. My Bestfriend is a great guy, but if that were the case, I’d be his first love, and first-loves are no-nos. It would be doomed from the start. If I took his virginity and he fell in love with me there is no way it’d work on the first try. Sure, if he fell in love with some other girl, lost it to her, and then after years My Boyfriend and I break up, My Bestfriend and her break up, then sure, it’d be logical... It’d have to be years. But I think about that possibility a lot. I even hope for it sometimes, and I feel so bad for hoping for that.
At the same time, I hope my feelings change. I hope I get over this. I hope sometime in the near future I see My Bestfriend and he’s just a person, a good friend, but not an option. I want to stop seeing him in this light but I don’t seem to know how. But what if I can’t stop seeing him this way no My Bestfriender how long I try and wait? What if I fall in love with him in such a way where I’m stuck?
I suppose that’s another thing I fear about leaving My Boyfriend. I fear that I’ll attach myself to My Bestfriend, but that My Bestfriend won’t be able to reciprocate, and worse, if he does then we’ll just break up and then I won’t have his friendship anymore. It’s ridiculous to be thinking about all of this when I’m planning on staying with My Boyfriend. I’m intending on staying with My Boyfriend! So why am I even thinking about this?
I feel like a dirty person. Please tell me your honest thoughts on this Angel – I’m not ready to tell anyone else. I just had to tell someone. It’s too much to carry around by myself now. Perhaps you have an insight?

Monday, January, 5th 2008 at 7:54pm

Atara, if you post this entry I’m going to kill you. This entry is NOT for POSTING online.

Conversation with Will:
I said: (7:55:56 PM): I feel bad. I feel the way you feel about me about someone else. Though how they feel about me is quite different from how I feel about you. That's what the entry was about, that I sent to Angel. She hasn't written back yet and I’m going crazy
Will said: Well, how do you feel about me?
I said: feel like... Hm. I feel like I should care more than I do. I feel like you deserve more from me than you get. I feel like you deserve more from life than you get. I probably take your always being online when I want to talk to you for granted.
Will said: You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?
I said: Yeah. Indeed. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the people I know and how they probably feel about me and how I feel in return and how the resulting interactions occur.
Will said: So you think that I haven't been getting enough credit, huh?
I said: Yeah. My main issue with you is that I feel completely lost with what to say or do with you in person. On IM I can tell you anything, in person I feel like... I donno. I just don't know what to do or say in person at all.
Will said: I see.
I said: I think I know how you feel now.
Will said: Oh?
I said: And it just makes me feel worse. Because that's how I feel about My Bestfriend.
Will said: I’m not surprised about that. I mean, I've figured since the time you tried to kiss him that that was how you felt about him.
I said: That was very embarrassing, and I didn't realize I had told you about that
Will said: You told me about it like the day it happened.
I said: Ah. That sounds like something I’d do.
Will said: But hey, you have that sort of confidence in me. I mean, I’m happy you trust me that much.
I said: Indeed. My Bestfriend trusts me in a similar way. But he'd never go out with me. I mean, there is no chance in hell really. I mean, whereas, if you tried hard enough in the right situation I’m sure there is a possibility. With him, there is none. It's completely futile. It's also wrong. I think that's half the reason why I’m so infatuated. I like that I can't win him. That's such a "male" attitude for me to have.
Will said: Not really, it goes both ways, really.
I said: Which goes both ways?
Will said: That sort of attitude.
I said: I think I want My Bestfriend to want me more than I want to have him. I just want to be so fucking cool that I’m irresistible. I think that's the root problem.
Will said: You know how I feel, huh? However, I don't want to be irresistible. Being irresistible was never a priority for me. Closeness was always it. I wanted, or rather want to be close to you. Which is silly since going by the opinion of everyone I know, you're the worst possible girl for me.
I said: (8:23:08 PM): Tell me if this sounds like you: I sit there next to him and it's like I have little spiders crawling under my skin, that I know will go away if I could just get close enough to him. So I move closer. I forget that I’m supposed to be listening to what he's saying because I’m so busy watching how his lips move and the shape of his teeth (which are very sharp)... But the closer I try to become physically the further I am away in actuality, so I force myself to come up with the most intellectual and interesting things I can to say. I tell him my insights and I make sure I’m perfectly honest. I hold back all my questions about his sexual history. How far has he gone? Was there a chick he almost lost it to? Would he ever...? How big is it...? I swallow these questions over and over again, stop the movie constantly playing in my head where I’m resting my head on his chest and he's stroking my hair...

Conversation with My Cool Girlbuddy:
I said: (7:41:39 PM): So like, I have a serious question, and it's probably very personal, so feel free not to answer; but would you want to lose your virginity to My Bestfriend? I’m just curious as all hell. It's not even that I really believe either of you should; I think it's amazing to be happy and sex-free, in fact, I envy it; but at the same time I don't understand how it's possible to just not crave a sexual relationship. Admitted, it's not really any good if you're not in love, but if you are already in love, doesn't it make it that much harder to resist? Well, it does for me. So, yeah, that's why I’m so curious.
Ashley said: Well, to answer that question I have no desire to lose my virginity to anyone at this point and it doesn't mean I don't crave. I just refuse to give in, I guess. Not sure how else to put it.
I said: Interesting. Hm, I never had too much of an inclination to hold on to my virginity. I didn't want it to just be a fling at first, but the longer I waited the more I didn't care how I lost it. Weird, My Bestfriend claims to not even crave at all. I don't understand that one at all. How can an 18 year old male have no desire for sex at all? That just completely bewilders me.
Ashley said: lol, I don't know. but I guess I can kind of understand it
I said: I don't think it's even possible to tempt him. Like, out of everyone he knows right you, you'd clearly be his choice if he were to make one (and he clearly doesn't plan on making a "choice") and yet, do you think, if you were to "lean in" he'd kiss back?
Ashley said: I don't know because I honestly can't imagine the situation. I guess I just don't tend to think about any of this.
I said: Hm. Well, I suppose that's a good thing. Honestly, if I weren't in a relationship, and had no interest in being in one or in having sex... That would change my entire life.
Ashley said: yeah, I honestly wish I had never been in one, just because the only cravings I get now I wouldn't have if I hadn't done some of the things
I said: Unfortunately I never had much of a build-up before having sex with someone. I mean, I waited for months in the past before, but never with one of the guys I ended up loving. Oddly. I wish I could erase all the sexual encounters I had (and relationships) that were not with My First Love, My Crazy “Ninja” Ex or My Boyfriend. I’d feel a lot better about my past if it were that straightforward. But heck, no point in crying over spilled milk – especially not when it's so old.
Ashley said: yeah
I said: You know the average American woman has slept with nine different guys, and that the average NYC woman doubles that.
Ashley said: hmm, I guess I’m one of the people who brings the average down
I said: Yeah. I hit the big double-digit in early April of 2007. Not one of my best moments. That was the night I quit drinking. You're really beautiful. You've probably had a lot of opportunities. I applaud you. You could sell your virginity for several million after you turn 18 if you want to. That one chick did. I would if I were still a virgin honestly. I feel like an idiot for not keeping mine just for that reason alone; not to mention all the other reasons. Can you imagine starting your adult life with a few million dollars under your belt?
Ashley said: lol, I wouldn't sell it
I said: All the more reason why I have my money on you and My Bestfriend one day being a "conventional" couple. Probably like a year and a half from now.
Ashley said: mmm :/ I don’t know; I’m not really seeing it; but its interesting that you think so...
I said: Well, you and him have like values, and are equally odd. You're both beautiful and fit. You're both intelligent and going to the same college. You guys spend a lot of time together. As friends, I’m sure you both love each other. Enough time and eventually material instict will kick in and you'll turn to each other. That's my guess. And to tell the truth I'll be jealous.
Ashley said: jealous of what?
I said: My Bestfriend would never choose me. And he's the only person I know that I can consider above myself.
Ashley said: How do you consider him above you?
I said: The whole sex thing immediately trumps me. He's able to be a good person without wanting too much or asking too much from others. He's self-sufficient where as I’m incredibly dependant. Most other things I would consider equal between the two of us. Also, he's good with people, whereas I make people dislike me left and right.


Conversation with Will:
I said: (8:26:08 PM): I could go on, but that's probably sufficient.
Will said: It sounds a little like me, maybe.
I said: The expression you made -- when we were drawing together in my room, and you tried to move closer to me without me noticing. I feel like I must feel how you did then.
Will said: Well. It wasn't spiders.
I said: I feel like that's an embellishment for the sake of artistic-ness in my writing – a more conventional description might be a "desperate urge" or something
Will said: Desperate urge is close. When I’m around you, I do have a burning in my chest. Kind of hurts.
I said: Ah, that one is rare for me. I generally get a burning ache sort of thing in my chest when I’m either very emotionally distraught, or if I’m around someone very emotionally distraught or if I’m feel very anxious. By the way, I don't really want to be irresistible in general, I’d just like to be irresistible to say... My Bestfriend.
Will said: We're on different wavelengths, I suppose.
I said: It's so... not cool... That I get so turned on by such little things My Bestfriend does or says. It makes me feel like a stupid ape or something
Will said: Oi. Sort of insensitive, don't you think?
I said: Like, on a photo-perspective... My Boyfriend is like twice as attractive. What I said? I suppose it could be. I mean, I feel stupid because I’m in a relationship which is sexual satisfying.
Will said: But not emotionally?
I said: So why would my irrational hormones be so dubious as to be attracted to My Bestfriend?!?! The goddamned confusing blundering idiot things. Sometimes I wish I had no sex drive whatsoever, but that could also suck. That is the deep kicker. I can't find full satisfaction in My Boyfriend. And I want to.
Will said: There are a lot of things I try to say, that I would really like to say.
I said: Well, spit. I doubt you'll say anything that will make me think any less of you. I’m not even sure it's possible for you to make me think any less of you with words.
Will said: Even when I have the full confidence of the internet at my disposal, but it's hard to say them, or type them, or whatever. It's because nothing comes of my words.
I said: Hm... But... Perhaps not actions – but thoughts...
Will said: I can say whatever I like, but in the long term there's nothing more I can do because you're outside of my influence.
I said: I wouldn't say that. I quoted you today even. I do think about you... Quite often. I even have conversations about you from time to time.
Will said: I’m flattered by that. But what I want is the thing you want.
I said: Hm. Well, I do like to keep my mind open. I keep in mind a tally of every option available even if I don't often think about the order of preference. But if I were to make a list, that obviously didn't include My Boyfriend it would go: My Bestfriend, My First Love, Ayian (only because she's a hot bi-chick whose clearly intelligent - it's not like I ever met her), Will (you obviously), then probably Pete or... I donno. It doesn't much My Bestfriender after that. There is an array of other options but none of them really My Bestfriender past Pete.
Will said: That's the thing, I don't want to be considered fourth string, you know?
I said: I do keep in mind the fact that My Crazy “Ninja” Ex would leave his marriage for me too. Though I wouldn't say he's on the ephemeral "list" I’d say that going on a date with him is on my list of things to do if I were single however. Yeah, I know, terrible.
Will said: But that's basically how I feel.
I said: Me neither. I just discovered today that IF My Bestfriend were to choose a girl, it'd be My Cool Girlbuddy, not me. Not that he really said that in so many words, but close enough.
Will said: The implication was there, got it. And here I am, feeling those words I want to say brew up in me.
I said: He basically said there were only two people he considered his equal, and one of them was My Cool Girlbuddy and the other person wasn't me. And he also said that My Cool Girlbuddy also feels that sort of way about him, and beyond that, My Cool Girlbuddy and him are both virgins who both don't intend on dating anyone or sleeping with anyone; so they have that level in common. So, say these things that are on your mind. Tell me just to say them. Never-mind the impact.
Will said: I think the impact is important. If I say them then I’m merely wasting my breath, or keystrokes, whichever comes first.
I said: Meh, it's never a waste. Writing is soothing.
Will said: Alright then. Like I've said before, I really do love you.
I said: You may find this comforting: I just now analyzed how much I may or may not "love" you in return and I came to this conclusion: I love you just as much as I love My Bestfriend; the amount of caring is the same – the difference only lies in... well, things I already said in this conversation.
Will said: Physical attraction?
I said: That's part of it, but certainly not all or even half of it I think my attraction has very little to do with attractiveness; especially lately
Will said: Correct, since you've been satisfied.
I said: Heh, just cause I can't talk about this with anyone else.... I might as well.... I’m a little more horny these past couple days than usual... and... well... there is a certain reason for it...
Will said: What?
I said: well, it sounds bad... well, no it doesn't... well, it can... well, it depends on how you look at it... Okay, well, anyway. I convinced My Boyfriend that I’m not going to become "stretched out" from well, anything. Women give birth to babies and often recover the same amount of tightness; and I've certainly recovered my tightness time and time again... So, yeah, I've finally managed to teach someone how to really fuck with my horny-strings with their hand. The result was in-fucking-credible. Ah, sometimes, only sometimes, sexual satisfaction can be underrated.
Will said: Ah, I see.
I said: And well, it didn't help with My Bestfriend came over today... I have not thought about sex or sex-related stuff this much for such a long period of time in a long, long time.
Will said: Oi...now when you get into that subject. Before my nightmare, I got inexplicably worked up.
I said: Eh?
Will said: (9:19:15 PM): Yeah, really worked up.

[End things to not post online.]
































Monday, January, 5th 2008 at 8:26pm

Conversation with My Cool Girlbuddy:
Ashley said: hmm... I don't get the disliking thing; I liked you from the get go
I said: (8:15:55 PM): I think Alex doesn't like me, despite my efforts to try and be friends with him. I’m having trouble liking him myself. Heck, My Bestfriend like barely wants anything at all whereas my wants go on for days and days.
Ashley said: It's strange though, he seems detached at times, entirely emotionally detached, he seems to have emotions about what happened with his mom, and the way it effected his family, but it's almost like he doesn’t know what to do with those emotions
I said: Indeed. He seems to detach himself further whenever he talks about his parents. I actually felt "closer" to My Bestfriend before his whole "change" that he just went through over the past few weeks. I think he's detached himself even more.
Ashley said: (8:26:26 PM): I don't see much of a change [in My Bestfriend]; there was a period where he was out of it.
I said: That's for sure.
Ashley said: but I think it was just perspective; and now he seems to be back to normal (as if there was one) you know?
I said: Ish. I feel like he's back to "normal" but also that he's come back different.
Ashley said: interesting; different in what ways from your perspective?
I said: More distant mostly. A little more focused. There are others, but they're so subtle and hard to put my finger on
Ashley said: hmm... what do you think of me? I’m actually quite curious. I've been asking many people that question, but I’m particularly interested in what you think since you only see me in select situations.
I said: I'll answer, but only if you agree to answer the same about me in equal detail. Agreed?
Ashley said: Ahhh, I love the catch... and I suppose I could do so
I said: sweetness...! Okay, let me think here...
Well, what I like about you the most is that whenever you choose to say something it can never be taken badly. I wish I had that skill. The thing I like about you the least is how little you say; you're too interesting to say so little. However, I suppose your lack of speech is also part of your mystery. I think your lack of sexual experience gives you a respectable quality, but it also adds a certain naivety; which to me is attractive, though to others can be a distinctive turn-off. I have a virgin fetish so that's just me... lol.
I think you're really beautiful. I especially like the shape of your... well, everything. I was going to say your lips, but then I realized I like your eyes just as much, and well, pretty much everything. If I wasn't bi, I’d probably just say, "you're pretty," but thinking about how you look always reminds me of how much I’d like to see what you look like with a lot less clothing on doing certain... anyway.
You seem to be smarter than you want people to know. Like you only do something "smart" when it's necessary; never to show off, or just because. It seems like you act as ordinary as possible as if to hide your own strangeness which I feel must be lurking somewhere in a part of you that I have not seen yet (and perhaps never will?) And it's hard to say much more about you other than generic statements like "kind" and "amusing" and "cute" and "hot" from the experiences I've had thus far with you.
Ashley said: hmm... should I go straight into my description of you? or explain where some of your observations are correct first?
I said: Hm. Just tell me whatever comes to mind first.
Ashley said: ok... hold on; just a second; friend with a crisis; girlfriend of two years and two months just dumped him.
I said: Oh man. That must hurt. I know how My Boyfriend would be if I left him right now. [Not to mention how I’d feel right about now if My Boyfriend up and left me.]
Ashley said: he wants to jump right into another relationship
I said: oh; Well, there are ups and downs to doing that. I've done that about ten times now. You should tell him that if he still wants to jump into this other relationship one month from now to go ahead and do it (and don't sleep with anyone at all in that month!!!)
Ashley said: alright; Phoenix.... who is she from my perspective?
I am particularly intrigued by the past that you constantly allude to and how little I know about it; I understand that you must be a pretty deep person because of the events that I do know about and how you seem to deal with them mentally; the simple fact that you spend you're free time painting drawing writing poetry playing very interesting games speaks volumes; but at the same time you seem to refuse being defined by those things; and I’m not sure what to define you with entirely; you seem to not always want to be where you are now; but at the same time you don’t seem to want to change anything.
I said: It seems like my loneliness must be showing through my actions. I’m very resistant to changing anything in my life right now; at least anything major. Drawing, digital painting, writing blog entries, writing on my novel and exercising does seem to be my 'external' life right now. Though internally I’m battling how I feel about people, how they feel about me, and how the ensuing interactions occur and how to adjust the feels in order to adjust the interactions.
Tell me something about yourself that you think I’d have no way of knowing. (I feel like this is some sort of fun game we're playing and now it's time for level two or something, lol.)
Ashley said: ok... hold on... ex-boyfriend just called... :/ busy night – gosh
I said: Cuz you're just oh-so-popular apparently.
Ashley said: okay; the thing that you don't know about me... in my internal life
I said: Ooo, ooo! *jumps up and down*
Ashley said: I have only recently become a scientist, I was a very smart lab rat for quite some time. I hope you get what I’m meaning by that.
I said: Scientist?? eh? Like, as in, you do experiments with stuff?
Ashley said: Much more figurative
I said: Psh, now we've added riddles to this game! Hmm... So, I think I see... And then you started purposely doing things to see what they would do?
Ashley said: As in for awhile I was simply reacting to the actions of other people; and I had gotten smart enough to play along with their strategies – right-o: now I have developed my own and subject others to it. Though I intend to be entirely benevolent.
I said: I do that, but unfortunately I usually only do that in sexual situations. Pitiful, really. I wish I could say I've done that outside of sex-related things, but come to think of it... Well, I did used to purposely dress as goth as possible for public outings just to get reactions. That's always fun.
Ashley said: Your turn.
I said: My turn? Ah; Right; Um... At the moment, I’m being embarrassingly naughty in my thoughts. I keep thinking about you and My Bestfriend having sex.
Ashley said: Oh dear.
I said: I just had some amazing sex with My Boyfriend last night, so my libido is above it's normal. And now I’m laughing hysterically because your face must be priceless right now.
Ashley said: Strangely enough, I only really make faces if I’m on IM anyway; when I send emoticons.
I said: You mean, you're purposely expressionless in person?
Ashley said: unless I send an emoticon... :P like I totally imitated that emoticon
I said: That's so adorable.
Ashley said: ...how do you know? you didn’t see it! :P
I said: I’m guessing it would have to be?!? So your turn for a "question" or "curiosity" I suppose. *winks*
Ashley said: hmm... goodness
I said: Yes? Difficult? Too many to choose from?
Ashley said: who would you be if there was nothing binding about your life right now
I said: Nothing binding... Hmm
Ashley said: I’m essentially meaning that there would be no consequences if you changed any thing. Though I’m not a huge fan of hypothetical situations.
I said: I’d be very open, and I’d travel a lot. I’m taking "binding" to mean that I’m not bound by expectations, society's rules, or even my own morals. I’d probably hop in the car, drive over to My Bestfriend's and rape him, and then proceed on to go drive to where you live and attempt to spend the entire night chatting with you. I probably would travel to see Ayian in Canada and hope to get some female on female action for the first time in my life... I’d love to travel to Japan, pick up some Asian women and bring them back with me and then start my own business where My Boyfriend and I lived with these women
Ashley said: Interesting. I’m very glad there was nothing about raping me in there. :P
I said: (9:39:37 PM): Well... I considered it. But I can't imagine having no morals to that degree. I may or may not return in a bit. But it's your turn to answer. I have to go pick My Boyfriend up from work ... So, I might be back in like 10 minutes...
I said: (10:18:26 PM): I’m finally back. So, what would you do if nothing that is binding you in your life was still binding you?
Ashley said: I would still go to college at UB; live in the dorms; but I would not work in the dining hall; and I would spend that time doing community service instead.
I said: I didn't know you worked in the dining hall. What's that like?
Ashley said: I donno. I guess it isn’t so bad.
I said: Community service? That's interesting.
Ashley said: Hmm; maybe I was too impulsive in that answer; I think I’d stay working there; but I’d have a violin; and I’d take piano lessons. Also I’d take gymnastics.
I said: Oh, that'd be fun; I’d like to take hip-hop classes one-on-one.
Ashley said: but I’m seriously considering doing that this semester
I said: I’d also like violin classes and self-defense and yoga. So, new question... If you had to live without one of the five senses for a year which one would it be and why? And if you could enhance one of your five senses which one would it be and why?
Ashley said: I would go without sight for a year; definitely; and it would enhance my other senses enough that I would rather go without sight than just enhance another sense; I’d like to learn to use the others more effectively
I said: I think I probably like to do the same.
Ashley said: it would be an interesting evolution
I said: That's why I said "for a year" because if it were for life, I’d probably say taste or smell, for but a year I think I’d pick sight. I’d like to improve my hearing though, by a lot. So I could hear other people talking from a long distance, and so that I could hear the rain better, and so that I could hear the birds in the morning. [Sight is really the most deceiving of the senses.]
Ashley said: ooo; if you could have one superpower...
I said: Well, this is one I've thought about a lot. I generally think about the "three wishes" in which I’d pick: teleportation, time-travel and a sort of immortality where my health was perfect and I didn't age... But if I only could have one super power... I’d choose to be able to know the answer to any question I ask inside my mind with a certain tone or key word included to activate the power
Ashley said: interesting
I said: You?
Ashley said: Invisibility.
I said: Ah, but mine trumps that, I simply ask "what can I do to go entirely unnoticed?" I've contemplated that before a number of times. I don't have to wish to be rich, I simply ask "what are the winning lotto numbers?" I don't have to wish to be healthy and live forever, I simply ask "what is the best thing to do right now for my health?" Why invisibility though? Where do you want to go to not be seen?
Ashley said: its not anywhere in particular; but to be able to observe people in a pure form
I said: Hm. I’d probably do very bad things with that sort of power. -_-
Ashley said: I’d like to know what friends say or do without me around; in order to know them better; understand them; the things you could learn without having an identity
I said: True. I’d still just sit there and ask questions; "What is she thinking right now?" "How does she really feel about me?" Or, "What are a few things she's said about me when I wasn't there?"
Ashley said: mmm... but where's the fun in that
I said: It would be more fun to see it, but then I could ask "Where and when could I hide to see a conversation between two people I care about in the near future talking about or doing something interesting?" I've daydreamed about the possibilities of that a lot.
Ashley said: I mean whereas the fun in that it would require nothing of you; no thought no extended reflection; you'd essentially become a computer
I said: (10:47:12 PM): I still have to make the actions. Though that is true. That's why I need to have a trigger word to trigger the ability though, I wouldn't want to know the answer to any question right away, I still want to be able to think about things for myself. Playing board games would be no fun at all if I knew all the answers; or even any of the answers.... Silly internet went out again. My Boyfriend ran downstairs to reset it.
Ashley said: (10:52:58 PM): ah
I said: (10:55:46 PM): So, tell me something that you often remember and feel guilty about?
Ashley said: this doesn’t exactly fit the question; but it may shed some more light on the virginity thing
I said: Ah? Curiousness exploding... lol
Ashley said: Every "sexual" encounter I have ever had has left me feeling insanely guilty
I said: Hm
Ashley said: Which is some of why I have no desire to actually pursue them; though I do crave them from time to time
I said: I’m supposed to get the juicy details of one these events darn it,
Ashley said: I've only had two boyfriends; and I've kissed a total of three guys
I said: Wow. Impressive.
Ashley said: It was two up until the end of November.
I said: Oh?
Ashley said: Oh... stupidity; it’s a wonderful thing
I said: Was it My Bestfriend?? I’m dying to know.
Ashley said: haha... no
I said: Meh, I tried.
Ashley said: lol; you of all people should know that that is impossible!
I said: I donno. I think if you tried it, it may just go somewhere. I think you're the only one he'd let in.
Ashley said: I really don't see it; but it ay be because I’m not an aggressive person; and this is My Bestfriend were talking about here. I honestly cant imagine approaching him that way. I wouldn't want to; and if what you're saying has any truth to it then it’s a perfect catch 22.
I said: It sure is. :-) That's why I said... in like a year and a half
Ashley said: that’s assuming we still know each other in a year and a half
I said: There is only so long the both of you can resist nature's call, and it would be most logical and fulfilling to answer with each other. :-) Sure you will, you're both going to UB. And if either of you go and move away I’m going to have a kiniption!
Ashley said: UB is a big place; and it isn’t like My Bestfriend truly enjoys dorms; though he did live in my room last semester
I said: (11:09:32 PM): Yeah, see, keep that up... and well... It's just bound to happen. And seriously; if you stick around him long enough for that to actually happen it'll probably be better than it would be with anyone else. Take it from someone whose slept with a lot of people they shouldn't have: losing it to My Bestfriend is probably the very best you can do. I’d be honored to rewrite my first to My Bestfriend. Hell, I might pay for that. In other words; I don't think you'd feel guilty about it or regret it.
Ashley said: bleh; I guess at this point I’m not really attracted to him in that way
I said: Well, that's interesting and not what I expected you to say. I didn't find my first attractive... -_- My first was so lame. I even knew I wasn't really in love... Pathetic.
Ashley said: Feel like continuing? Oh, our game? Sure.
I said: Well, then again, something I feel guilty about and think about often is... well... Something we've already basically been talking about this entire time. Thinking about you and My Bestfriend a lot. In a way I shouldn't. -_-
Ashley said: I’m still puzzled as to why that's so interesting. We're two pseudo-intelligent white people.
I said: (11:20:03 PM): Meh; I have a virgin fetish. And I find you both attractive.
Ashley said: I find us kinda ewwy
I said: Well, My Bestfriend would be incredibly better without the red spots all over his face; lol
Ashley said: ?
I said: acne not hot
Ashley said: ooOOoo :O I didn't even realize
I said: lol; Never thought about that?
Ashley said: Not really
I said: Hm. Interesting. So, your turn by the way.
Ashley said: hmm: If you had $500 right now and the only conditions were that you couldn't save it and you had to buy something for yourself what would you buy?
I said: Hm. Well... I’d get my desktop computer fixed, and if I still had money left (probably would have around half of it left if what I think is wrong with it is indeed what's wrong with it)... I’d then buy... some more thigh-high socks... a gallon of black paint... and probably a new digital camera. You?
Ashley said: I’d fix my car. yeah... I’d like to just buy shit; but that really needs to be done.
I said: Yeah. Agreed. What if you had 1,000,000? That's not a million is it? I meant for it to be, lol.
Ashley said: Same conditions? or different
I said: Hm; how about both? What would you do if you had a week to spend it; and what would you do if you could keep it however long you want?
Ashley said: I could keep it: I would invest some of it, fix my car up; buy a small house/apartment; furnish it... And then travel.
I said: And if you had to spend it? [I should have pointed out that there is no point in getting an apartment before traveling; then you have bills to pay for a place you’re not currently residing in.]
Ashley said: If I had to spend it I think I would sped a week in some foreign country, and pay to have friends along, as well as paying to do something of consequence; whatever that may be.
I said: Hm, good answer. I’d answer you back, but I have to go cook dinner; then I’m watching Akira. By the way though, if I could keep it, I’d budget it out to live off it for the rest of my life so I’d never be dependant on work.
[By the way, that’s AH-KE-RUH, not AH-Kira. There is not “kir” sound in Japanese, it’s ki and then ra. Which is ke-ruh. I felt smart for realizing that as we were watching the movie. Also, I don’t recommend the movie. The animations was good but the drawings themselves were rather ugly when it comes to characters. The movie was one long graphic violent chaos. I found the movie to have no real point what-so-ever. If you want to watch a good anime, watch Ghost in the Shell: Innocence.]