December 9th 2008

Tuesday, December, 9th 2008 at 12:50pm

My best male friend writes;
I spoke with Chris, and came to some interesting conclusions. we were up until 6:00am talking. I have overcome so many emotions and instinctual tendencies. I don't know that that’ a good thing anymore.... I don't know that it’s a bad thing either. I've already decided I want to try not having morals in the conventional sense. Something else may be changing soon too. But I don't agree with you either. I don't know how to describe it yet. I told you I was going to alter and change I views on day one... i'm changing them again. I've finally been presented a number of those "better arguments" I was looking for... lets see where they lead me.

Friday, December, 12th 2008 at 12:33am

Funny that the last time I added something it was also something My Bestfriend wrote... Here is something a bit longer from him:

So there I was, like a fish outa water, with my brother's copies of Cathedral and Gobblet, at about 10:10 or so, at university station, and a bag filled to about twice its capacity. I had eight dollars in change clinging in my pocket since the machines only give you change in the form of... change, and I only had a ten on me. Did I mention that I'm white? Thank the Lord Almighty that I have a goatee or I'd be screwed.. Oh, speaking of... This born again right? He's been handing out little folded sheets of photocopied bull to everyone at the platform. An old Asian woman smiles and nods while she reads the eight or ten lines of illegible text, fittingly accompanied by a verse or two from Corinthians, II Corinthians to be exact... well to be exact it was chapter four, verse seventee- aw hell, here it is, verbatim, punctuation and all (minus the dashes for indentation):
--These "light afflictions"
--which is but for a moment
--"worketh for us" a far more
--exceeding and eternal
--weight of glory.
Now, this doesn't take into account that it actually reads:
--For this momentary light affliction
--is producing for us an eternal
--weight of glory beyond all comparison.
(New American Bible translation)
How do I know all this? Well, first of all, I own two or three Bibles myself and have read it myself (minus Leviticus, numbers, and Deuteronomy which, I'm sorry, are just too boring for me and i'm not Jewish so I think I could spend my time better than learning ancient Hebrew law). Now granted we're clearly using different translations, I thought it a nice touch to just add on what it actually says rather than just show you the five words used in the four lines of text presented by said born again. Oh, but how do I know which verse was on the pamphlet? Well he gave me one of course, but not before a bit of introduction. I mean, we can't just rush blindly into these things like a Christian to his god can we? Well, one of us could have... I begged to differ however.
"Sir, would you like to hear a little something about the Jesus Christ?"
"Oh, no thank you, I'm a declared atheist." A look of sadness and pity filled his face that only a moment ago was beaming with the power of the holy spirit.
"A declared atheist?" he asked rhetorically as if he could have misheard, "Now why is that?"
"I don't believe in god?" I shrugged, figuring I should start with the simplest answer. Call me cruel, but I like to reel them in first by feigning misguidedness before catching them off guard with an actual argument only a little later on. Its a flaw, I know, i'm dealing with it. We all have our sins-flaws. You know what I meant.
"Well maybe you just need to learn about Jesus and his message."
"Oh no, I know more than enough. I went to Catholic school for the first eighteen years of my life."
"Well, ok yea, but Catholics have some... ehh" he moves his hand at an angle implying that Catholics are a little off key.
"Oh well yes, I agree they're definitely off the mark, but then again I would say that of all Christians."
"But if you want to escape death and eternal damnation, you must have a relationship with Christ. My man, i'm sure you can agree that we are all sinners and are doomed to die, is that correct? I mean, that is true right? We're all sinners and we're gonna die, right?" Well played, asking questions does put him in a position of strength. ;)
"I think that depends on what you mean by sin. If you mean what you think God says sin is, then I guess yea, but I don't know that there is such an absolute morality."
Alright, well you get the idea... We went on like this for a couple of minutes. I say that he has made some absurd assumption with no basis, he claims that the Bible tells him its true, I tell him that it's absurd to blindly follow a book with no basis, he claims that the Bible tells him its true, the train arrives. Good times, all around. I offer my hand for a shake, he shakes, asks me to humor him and take a flier, I gladly consent, and we walk into car in different entrances. I put my ear buds in, but he sits in front of me and begins to talk.
"...to compliment your sorrow, another life that I've taken from you, a gift to add on to your pain and suffering, another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely. All the cries you're beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening, Let me enlighten you. This is the way I prayyyyyy-" I took the ear bud out when I realized that he was talking to me and the Disturbed blaring in my ear cuts off (you didn't think he actually said that, did you?)
"I'm sorry, you were saying?" I apologized for having been so rude.
The topic this time was my specific salvation. After catching up with each other, he eventually got to this:
"'He who does not believe in me is a fool.' Jesus said that, correct? Now, I'm not calling you a fool, but that's what he said, right?"
"I don't know that he said it just like that but yea, something along those lines was said somewhere in the Bible."
"If you do not accept Jesus and have a relationship with him, and Christianity is not a religion. I'd like to make that clear. Christianity is not a religion. It's a relationship with Jesus Christ and he can save you from death and damnation. Man sees few days and most of them are spent suffering. You're life is just a puff of smoke!" A few of our bus mates point and chuckle at the "Christianity is not a religion" comment... at this point we've got quite the audience.
"Well I don't know that death is altogether bad." And I go on to use my typical quotes of which Ash i'm sure is quite familiar by now as she was first to tell me the Twain one,
"Einstein said that his short glimpse of the universe was more than enough to make him content with his life, and Mark Twain said that he was dead before he was born and it didn't bother him any."
And this is where he lost me... until now he had just been the compassionate misguided born again like all the rest, but he... oh, just listen to this.
"Well you know, Satan uses educated men to say some foolish things..."
I'm lolling on the inside, but I'm a good enough person to remain cordial and calm on the outside, showing only incredulity. This comment garnered some reaction from some of the others one the bus. Afterward, we debated the accuracy of science, the existence of satan, the infallibility of the Bible, and in ending, I brought up this point,
"So you're a man right? You're imperfect, you're not infallible, would you agree?" he nods head deeply in approval, "So how do you know that your interpretation of the Bible and what you think your relationship with Jesus is the one true interpretation that he intended if he indeed is god?"
With no hesitation, "Well, that's the power of the Holy Spirit."
"So the Holy Spirit makes you infallible?"
Ding ding ding, we're at the Amherst station, oh well wish I could stay longer, lets shake hands and part. As a final word, I say that regardless, I'm still going to be a good person, and he eyes me while we hold each other this time at each other's wrists, "But that won't save you from eternal damnation."
We exchange the ritual "Have a good night," "You too" and I begin to walk towards the broken escalator.
"You know, I agree with you mostly though" said a mysterious voice from behind me. A Black girl no older than I had garnered up the courage to talk to me.
"Thank you, I just value human rights above the dogma of any religion. We really need to doubt if we ever plan to improve ourselves, you know?"
"Well, my doubt is that the Book is man-made."
"That's a good point!"
"Someone once told me," she continued, "that someone originally made it all up to just get people to act in order and get things to be the way they wanted."
"And today," I respond, "most religions are just ways for those up top to manipulate and get their views put into law."
She asks me something about a bus schedule to which I have no answer, and we part ways too.
Finally, while crossing the street, the old Asian woman tells me, "I hope you find Jesus after that man talked to you about Jesus, I hope you find him."
"I'm sorry," I say with a laugh. She laughed good-naturedly as she walks off onto main street. I, meanwhile, went to the stop, my bag full to twice its capacity, and my little brother's board games stacked precariously in my arms. The ear buds begin to bleat Disturbed in my ears:
"You're so narrow-minded, So narrow-minded, So liberate your mind."






Friday, December, 12th 2008 at 10:45pm

Lilly and her brother Jim, as well as My Gaming Friend came tonight and we played two rounds of a game called Ra. Ra is the most popular game at Asa’ house on game nights, so I want to brush up on it, which I did tonight. My Gaming Friend won the first round, and I won the second; no surprise there. I didn’t find my win very fulfilling. I’m not really into games that involve that much luck, but at least it has a tiny bit more strategy than Risk in my opinion. Ugh, I can’t stand Risk anymore.
On another entirely different but equally mundane topic, I’ve decided Ghost in the Shell is my all-time favorite series, including non-anime shows. Second favorite; Full Metal Alchemist, and Death Note takes third. I think Boondocks would have to take fourth. Yeah, it would have to. Yeah, nobody cares, right? Unless you want to get into anime, you probably don’t care.
An old male friend is recommending that I watch Paranoid Agent and Serial Experiments: Lain. He tells me that Wolf’s Rain is a bore, which is another anime that My Bestfriend recommended. By the way, if any of my readers have any anime suggestions, I’m all ears to your personal favorites or any that you think I would like based on my favorites.
Why am I writing about such light things, do you ask? Well, My Boyfriend has decided to try, like really try. In fact, he’s doing more than trying; he’s doing. Last Sunday and Thursday he spent entirely with me; hence the lack of entries. He’s brought me tea countless times in six days, twice made me eggs, took two baths with me and we washed each other, we’ve each given each other pedicures, we’ve had sex four or five times, and we finished the Full Metal Alchemist anime series together. Also we’ve watched the first four episodes of Wolf’s Rain. We also went to the grocery store together for the first time in months. He’s ignored almost every call while with me. He’s talked to me about his feelings and ideas, and I’ve done the same. We’ve drawn together side by side two or three times. We’ve read together side by side four or five times. We watched an episode of the Tyra Show together while high and laughed at people together. And this morning, for the first time in who-knows-how-long I woke up at 10am all on my own, before My Boyfriend woke up.
I function better when I like my relationship, that’s for sure. I’ve decided that if he keeps this up through New Years than I’ll stay with him to the end of January even if he slips up once or twice in January. However, a complete relapse will make me give up entirely. I mean, I was going to end this Thanksgiving day. I was dead serious about it. I was going to ask my mom to go to dibble to change the locks on the front door and everything. Mom talked us both out of it. If things end up working out after all, then I guess she was right. If not, then it’s not like I’m any worse off than I was.
Oh, and guess what, the amazing stuff doesn’t end there; I sent out Christmas cards! Yeah! I rock. I had to send something out that someone bought on e-bay anyway, and my mom was heading to the post office to send x-mas cards and so I spent a little over an hour rushing to get cards sent, starting with finding addresses. So, if I have your address, I probably sent something. All except Marie, sorry. I was sure you told me you moved, so I think the address I have for you is wrong. You should e-mail me your current one sometime.
When I have a complete version of my novel edited by myself once, then I'll want to collect three to five people to read it and put in their ideas, speculations and corrections. I want to finish it soon... Before New Years at least. I figure if I can write the first fifty thousand words in thirty days, than I can surely finish it in another thirty, the problem is, what if it ends up longer than 100k?!
...And I'm not writing quite as fast as I was last month... And the story is getting really complicated. I might have to simply complete this part of the story and save a lot of my plot for the second. I always think the next three pages will fit more action than they do; by the time you describe one or two things in detail and add in a conversation and a little character development, then three pages only covered 1-3 bits of action, and I already feel like I'm skimping on the details. Ah, it's a tough balance.


Saturday, December, 13th 2008 at 10:09pm

I was telling My Cool Girlbuddy today: I should title that part of my life: "Don't Do What I Did"
Though it never works. Everyone has their first love sooner or later and everyone ends up hopelessly heart broken over it sooner or later. The question is how they handle the breakup.
For me, my first love and I splitting was the end of the world. I was 15 when we split, we'd been going out steady for a year and on and off for a year before that. I was a Junior in high school at a new school. We'd been living together for six months. I went entirely insane
To this day the most miserable month of my life was the month after he left me. Then, I went and fell for a guy entirely wrong for me and he moved in for the next two years. He turned out to be a gang-member who knew martial arts and carried a gun and a sword on him, and was a profound liar and thief. Yeah, it's really all a fantastic tale. It could be made into a movie.
The opening scene would be the house fire when I was 14, And how My First Love moves in with us at the new apartment because he got kicked out the very same day. The first 20 minutes would be about my new life with My First Love, and how we're blissful at first and then how we start squabbling like a cross between siblings and a married couple... About his first job at burger king and a brief review of my shitty school life... And then 25 minutes into the movie My First Love leaves me.
I'm hysterical of course, screaming about committing suicide. I wear the same clothes for a week. I refuse to do anything. I don't pay attention at school. I beg and plead for him back. That's all covered in less than 10 minutes of the movie. Then I meet this new guy - he's half Jamaican and half veniceswaylan. He's got an accent and dreads down to his ass. He's dead sexy and strong as an ox. He starts going out with me on a bet, even though I didn't know it. (This is all true by the way) He bets he can make me hot and popular. He takes me to get my nails done. He tells me to dye my hair black. He buys me "in" clothing.
I do a Tarot reading for myself somewhere early on while I'm with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and it tells me that in 8 months My First Love will come back to me. My First Love cheats on his new girl and I cheat on My Crazy “Ninja” Ex with each other. Then I fall in love with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I tell My First Love I can't do it anymore. Eight months into my relationship with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex My First Love asks for me back but I say no.
One year into the relationship I discover My Crazy “Ninja” Ex is in a gang, that he's killed people before, and that he's extremely violent in general. 1.5 years into the relationship I realize he's stealing from me, but I can't prove it. Nearly two years into the relationship I come home and he's breaking up crack to sell.
One great scene in the movie is where My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I get into a heated argument. His gun is on the table and just because I'm angry I pick it up. And I point it at him. I had no intention of shooting it. But My Crazy “Ninja” Ex kicks it out of my hand into his, and then puts it right to my head and dares me to tell him to pull it. We both don't graduate high school because we both failed the physics exam. When he finds out he laterally collapses in tears. Oh, and speaking of collapsing – he has a split persona, and sometimes when he switches he collapses. I didn't know that until a year into it. I didn't leave him because I was scared. But one month short of our two year anniversary I dump him; He cries like a baby. He pleads. He calls every day for forty days, crying over the phone. Then I meet My Boyfriend a month after My Crazy “Ninja” Ex moves out....
The movie should have a happy ending, so it should end two months into my relationship with My Boyfriend. It'd be a hit, don't you think?
Sunday, December, 14th 2008 at 3:44pm

I just had an insight that many will think me insane for, but that’s okay. I’m used to it.
Joan Grant attributes her natural affinities and understandings to past life experiences, as many who believe in reincarnation do. However, I never considered this for myself. What parts of my personality or natural understanding could come from past life experience?
...I think that feeling I keep getting (oh man, I’m getting chills) when I want to play this game... This game I know that is so awesome... There is this activity that I know exists... I feel this urge to go do it, and then, I can never find what it is. The closest I can get to fulfilling this urge is by playing a very good board game or video game or by working towards creating a game... I now feel certain that this feeling is a strong remnant of my most relevant past life.
For anyone who is still reading this entry but thinks I’m insane, I urge you to read Joan Grant’s biography or to read one of her ‘far-memory’ books. Even if you think it’s all made-up fiction, then fine. The books still carry wonderful story value, but more importantly, life-lesson value. Joan Grant’s understanding of human emotions, human interactions and the results and causes of human behavior is outstanding. Even if you believe she didn’t actually live the lives she claims to have lived before her life as Joan, you can still respect her as being a highly intellectual individual with marvelous writing.
Interestingly, Joan Grant died just a four days after my birthday... I find that a tiny bit spooky on an entirely immature level.
4:!3pm... So I’m reading “Many Lifetimes,” by Joan Grant & Denys Kelsey, and I’m on the second chapter by Denys. One of the changing moments in his profession is when he had a patient who couldn’t move her legs. Her paralysis turned out to be purely psychological and caused from not wanting to go on a trip she felt she had to go on. Under hypnosis she screamed; “I’d rather have no legs than have to go!” But in her waking-conscious mind she had only mentioned the trip casually, saying she was a bit nervous about it, but that she’d go anyway because she had to.
Denys insists that she remember what she had said while under hypnosis in her waking-consciousness. When she becomes aware that her condition is a result of her own wishes she begins to recover and finds her legs fully functional again in three days. Denys concludes from this that the physical impact is only so dramatic because she her waking-conscious-self wasn’t aware of the depths of her own misgivings. In other words, if she’d tried to fake the paralysis it wouldn’t have worked at all, whereas, because her subconscious was the one making the demand, it became a true physical limitation.
I find this extraordinarily interesting. I want to know what I would say under hypnosis! This brings forth the uncomfortable thought that my dad has been trained in such a thing... He’d be capable of it. He might even like to do it. But then who knows what I’d admit to him, and... Yeah, that could be embarrassing. It could also repair our completely broken relationship and help to restore the lost respect on both sides...
I’m going to continue reading now.