Criminals; How should they be treated?

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 12:31pm

I think my sleeping issues have revealed themselves to me. I think it’s a psychological disorder that won’t allow me to sleep, and that wishes me to continue sleeping in the morning.
Before getting up just now I spent nearly an hour in bed forcing myself to keep my eyes open but unwilling to leave the bed or to turn the lights on, or to sit up at my computer. One way I trick myself out of staying like that until I fall back asleep is to make a phone call. I called My Bestfriend, but I didn’t get an answer. I’m unsure what I had been planning to say to him.
I think it’s part of my loneliness complex. I remember having issues with sleeping as a child and not wanting the light turned off, and not wanting my mom to leave the room, and having to be sung to sleep even when I was tired. I remember clearly being awake until two in the morning night after night when I was in fourth grade even though I had to get up at six-thirty. At this point in life I had no friends, no boyfriend yet, and my mother didn’t sing to me anymore, nor did she read to me all that often, and my father was starting to become more remote... I think I feel like it’s unsafe to go to sleep without receiving some sort of affectionate validation.
I’m using the word ‘safe’ for this uneasily, though I can’t think of a more accurate word. It’s as though I’m losing something when I go to sleep if I can not find assurance from someone. In recently months I’ve learned to trick myself into feeling that it’s okay to sleep by taking My Boyfriend’s arm while he’s asleep and cuddling it.
While physical affection helps a lot it seems that communication is almost as vitally important. When I feel like I have words kept unspoken then I toss and turn for hours. When I feel like no one is listening to me, or like no one cares what I do, then I also don’t sleep.
This seems to be the exact same complex which makes me hate getting up. Something tells me that the place I’ve just been in my dreams has got to be warmer, safer and happier than the cold, sad, un-welcoming world that doesn’t seem to find a need to wake me up. It’s as though, if no one wakes me up, then no one cares if I’m awake. If no one cares if I’m awake then while be awake? I mean, if no one cares, why even be alive?
I find myself having that stray thought... “I wish I was dead.” It flits through my mind when I’m trying to fall asleep. I tell myself I don’t mean that. I tell myself I want to live, I do! I tell myself I have reasons... But when I try to list them off they feel shallow and weak... And the same when I wake up. Only it’s phrased different when I wake up. I think; “Why should I wake? Why should I live?” Since these thoughts recur on any morning or night in which I interpret my surroundings as being unloving – which is often – then I begin to wonder how my transforms “why should I live?” into “I wish I was dead.”
Denying that I feel that way is silly. I can logic my way into saying that I don’t think that, but I can’t logic my way out of feeling that. If I didn’t feel that way, then why would I keep thinking about, day after day? I have stopped imagining killing myself so often – a bad habit since I was in... Fourth grade. Why does it always come back to fourth grade? Did something traumatic happen in addition to what I believe happened at that age? I feel like a separate self – a self that is sometimes nine, sometimes twelve – questions my motives and actions. Like she’s always watching me; judging.
All of this has been brought to my attention this morning when I asked myself a familiar question: “Why do I want to leave the house when My Boyfriend isn’t here but could be?” When he leaves for work I forgive him for not giving me a kiss before he leaves or for not waking me up, because after all, he might be in a hurry. When it’s his day off I feel entirely dejected. Unloved.
It’s days like these that I have to really pat myself on the back for being awake at this time. No one is calling me, no one is waiting for me, no one is going to be calling for me, waiting for me, or wishing I was around any time in the next few hours.
But this brings me to another question: “What is the merit of being awake?” After all, isn’t there another world I can go enjoy in my sleep? If no one will miss me here; then why not? Of course I have an answer to that, and that is my health. If I didn’t realize that oversleeping makes me feel like shit, and that it also isn’t good for your body then I probably would continue to just keep sleeping in.
What’s interesting is that I’ve been conditioning myself to believe it’s bad for me to sleep in for years now, which is the opposite of what I had to tell myself when I was nine – then I was always getting sick, and if I felt tired it was important I kept sleeping, otherwise an innocent fever could turn into a several week sickness. And so often did this happen that I began to think of sleep as the only healthy thing I could do for myself, in addition to being the only escape from my loneliness, confusion and desperation.
I’m getting that sinking feeling in my stomach again. I knows it’s because of how I feel about My Boyfriend... I feel awful about how all of this has happened. I hate how people can care so much and yet not be able to make it enough. It’s so depressing how he doesn’t understand after I explain and explain and explain, and show and do and show and do and explain again...
I could be the best poet on earth, or the most diligent scribe, or the most intuitive psychologist; but I don’t think any of it would My Bestfriender. I fear that the fact at the heart of it is that he will only change if he feels he needs to; and then it will only be for a short time. As soon as he feels things are secure the arguments start back up again... He becomes resentful of putting so much effort into us. He feels he’s sacrificing instead of investing. And when he feels like it’s a sacrifice, then I end up feeling that way too.
Shit, now I’ve run out of speculation and I’m sitting here trying not to go back to sleep – clothes and lights in all. I do that sometimes. I lay down with the lights on and my clothes on and fall asleep. Even though late at night the tiniest lights bother me, the smallest noised drive me insane, my covers exposing my toe or shoulder keeps me awake, an itchy piece of clothing prevents my mind from wandering... Why? Am I just directing my real issues at the things which seem more ordinary targets?
I’m having trouble focusing now... Apply chapstick; look around the room disconsolately; think about things I could be doing; look for someone to talk to on aim; try not to cry... But I know I’m only like this because I’ve gone at gotten my hopes up... My Boyfriend leaves without a kiss, without any sweet words or touches... He’s off to the mall with his brother who won’t be back for a long time. (He’s in the service you see.)
I told My Boyfriend I was upset that he told me we would go to the mall last Thursday and then didn’t, and then he said Sunday, and then we didn’t. Now he’s taking his brother. He told me I was being selfish; that I only think of myself. It’s pretty much the only thing he said to me this morning. He spoke a hell of a lot more words over the phone to his brother.
He can’t use “being quiet” as an excuse. That’s not it and I think he knows that just as well as I do. He’s distinctly unresponsive when something is bothering him, not just by habit of his nature. Denying that is as useless as denying the issues between him and I.
Sigh; listen to sounds from downstairs; look around the room as if I lost my puppy; start typing garble-gook. Rub hands together; yawn; straighten my back; think fleetingly of listening to music... No, I don’t want to allow music to make me feel worse right now.
I’m so torn between trying my hardest to make it work right now while he’s still trying at all, and just letting him give up and letting things die as they were going to anyway.

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:45pm

Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff.
6:40pm... I still want to just curl up into a ball and cry. Now I’ve spent my entire day cleaning to ignore how I feel. I made major progress. It felt good making progress, though it’s left me so physically weary. Now that I’m back upstairs I’m already feeling almost like I did shortly after I woke.
I shall read, and hopefully then writing on my novel...

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:43pm

I say: (3:43:57 PM): DHS?
Chris says: (3:46:46 PM): the people that come and take kids from bad people
I say: (3:47:09 PM): Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.
Chris says: (3:48:18 PM): Yeah but this kids mom held his hand on the stove as punishment fuck her
I say: (3:48:41 PM): Sometimes a bad mom who loves the child is better than a neglectful mom. I know a mom who broke her kids hand with a hammer because he smoked a cigarette. But she loved her child dearly. I think it would have been worse if they'd be separated.
Chris says: (3:49:15 PM): One that burns her kids needs to be shot.
I say: (3:49:51 PM): Both the child and her need psychological help, not separation. That's part of what's wrong with today's society. We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
Chris says: (3:55:37 PM): Both.
I say: (3:56:22 PM): You understand what happens in jail?
Chris says: (3:56:31 PM): I worked in one.
I say: (3:56:33 PM): The fucked up mind-set because 10x worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster.
Chris says: (3:57:59 PM): If you treat them like one yes but if you give them a chance in jail then they come out ok it all depends on who’s running the jail.
I say: (3:59:39 PM): Yeah, put the drug deals with the killers and rapist -- all under one roof. Yeah, that's bright. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people - not other people with worse issues. Not guards with heartlessness.
Chris says: (4:01:35 PM): I think they need to be by them selves except for trained people to help them.
I say: (4:02:28 PM): Normal happy people trained to help them!

I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I know personally three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child. If they didn’t use the bathroom in the right place maybe you don’t feed them at the usual time, or maybe you scold them or take them out for a walk and encourage them to go outside. If they bite a child... Well, honestly I’d need to ask a psychological professional or a dog specialist. I don’t know what makes a dog inclined to bite a person.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.

Conversation with My Bestfriend:
I say: (3:44:42 PM): Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff... I’m... Writing some ship-stats for my book. Usually I'll be saying "fast ship" or "cargo ship" or "war ship" but in this particular instance the exact stats of a ship are going to be mentioned so I'm making up fancy names.
My best male friend says: (3:50:44 PM): I dunno what I wanna do...
I say: (3:51:40 PM): Tell me your thoughts on the following... [I copy that excerpt from my IM with Chris] “...the people that come and take kids from bad people.... Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.... One that burns her kids needs to be shot.... A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil.”




My best male friend says: (3:54:28 PM): I think they should be separated; that woman isn’t fit to raise a child; regardless of her "love" – mind telling vampire that I agree? with vampire that is.
I say: (3:55:28 PM): If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Perhaps a person should be assigned to stay with them for a couple of weeks to instruct her on proper discipline techniques. Separating them will worsen both the child's psyche and the mothers.
My best male friend says: (3:56:45 PM): Yea, you are put in counseling, but in the mean time you take away all knives guns and otherwise lethal objects.
I say: (3:57:01 PM): Well, of course
My best male friend says: (3:57:37 PM): And instruction wont fucken help, she needs serious change; it wont happen in weeks. I think that the kid's screwed
I say: (3:58:00 PM): It can if the advisor is good enough.

Before I continue with this IM, keep in mind that by this time my temper is flaring. I find this sort of thing very irritating. Yeah, conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a discipline specialist for a year may be almost fix the problem, but not entirely.
However, if our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. Of course, at the time of this conversation I was too wound up and too short of time to say all of that. The IM continues...

My best male friend says: (3:58:12 PM): No.
I say: (3:58:11 PM): But of course, no such advisor is really available. It could, if that advisor was a psychologist and hypnosis-expert and also an expedient child handler.
My best male friend says: (3:59:02 PM): Seriously, you think some woman handing you a pamphlet and telling you how to spank a child is going to solve the problems in the family? If they’re burning the children's hands, they probably have a lot more going on.

Clearly, My Bestfriend has no idea what I meant there; if he did then the word “pamphlet” would have never come up. It’s obvious that he (still) doesn’t see how I look at things yet. I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.

I say: (3:59:54 PM): Of course not! An advisor who is there 24/7 and... oh fuck it. Never mind. I’m not wasting my time on this shit. I should write a book about it.
My best male friend says: (4:00:20 PM): No that really wont work.
I say: (4:00:22 PM): Not sit here and debate you; w/e you're right!
My best male friend says: (4:00:30 PM): You think she'd be willing to just be instructed and change her life? You know, it would only fail miserably and encourage more misguided teenagers to write equally unsuccessful books.

Rereading this part actually makes me really angry all over again. Of course she wouldn’t want to be instructed to change her life, but if she’s given the choice between the child being taken away and being put into serious help, then any mother who deserved her child would choose the help. And I’m the one who is misguided. It’s like he’s literally purposely ignoring my point just to say that I’m wrong.

I say: (4:01:57 PM): Screw you, you're a narrow minded naive contemptual know-it-all borderline-szitzo virginal dick-head!
My best male friend says: (4:02:28 PM): I’m in college; that’s part of the job description
I say: (4:02:38 PM): You and millions of other people, get off your high horse.
My best male friend says: (4:03:03 PM): You know, confidence is earned sometimes... Well, im going to go play video-games with My First Love.

I tell my anime friend about the debate:
My Anime Friend Says: (3:59:44 PM): Burning a child's hand or breaking it is excessive. No My Bestfriender how much a parent supposedly loves them. That scars you, believe me. Granted, the American Penal System is screwed up harshly. They really need to restructure who goes to jail with who.
I say: (4:04:22 PM): I hate everything!!!!!!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:03 PM): You can't possibly mean that.
I say: (4:05:42 PM): Fine. I hate My Bestfriend and Chris and most of the rest of the world.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:56 PM): That's more realistic.
I say: (4:07:34 PM): No... I hate me... I'm so damn idealistic. I view everything so completely differently than everyone and I get so passionate about what I believe in and I just end up pushing everyone away! And it hurts so much to stand so alone in what I believe in, on stop of standing alone physically as well. I just want to burn up and disappear.
I say: (4:08:24 PM): I'm damn near a cynical old woman at 20. And I'm as winy as a damn sugar-craving baby with softies for parents
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:01 PM): Atara, do you know how strong you are?
I say: (4:09:14 PM): Not strong enough to jump out the window. Not strong enough to win an argument. Not strong enough to stop losing my cool and making an ass of myself!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:41 PM): No, you're strong enough to believe yourself.
I say: (4:09:56 PM): Not strong enough to work things out with my father...... I believe I'm capable of coming to a logical conclusion most of the time...
My Anime Friend Says: (4:10:24 PM): In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't My Bestfriender what anyone else thinks, says, or does. What's important is what you believe and how strongly you believe in it.
I say: (4:10:55 PM): Well, I'd rather have a family and a life than be crucified for my beliefs. And at this rate I'll be a hermit on a hillside instead. Oh, bloody hell, I'm supposed to be helping my work on shit.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:11:37 PM): You're not alone in your cynicism.'
I say: (4:11:39 PM): What a merry fucking xmas this shall be....





Friday, December, 19th 2008 at 2:05pm

It’s snowing cats and dogs outside right now. My Boyfriend expected to be coming right back home after arriving at Frankie’s house. He before 11:30am (even though work starts at one o’clock) on the pretense that Frank (not the same guy as Frankie) said there probably wouldn’t be work but that he should come to Frankie’s house to discuss some things. I have not heard from My Boyfriend since he left.
I’m still upset over the debate yesterday. I feel like My Bestfriend is some sort of... It’s hard to explain. I’m glad for meeting him. I’m glad for being his friend. I like his input. His interests are interesting. His outlook gives me a new way to look at things. It’s good to be able to have an intellectual debate...
But.
I can’t really blame him for not wanting to accept anything out of the framework of his ideas of the world, because I similarly reject what people are saying if it’s outside my framework as well. We all do. We’re all narrow-minded in our own subjective way. I hate how he pretends to be above narrow-mindedness, but of course I pretend the same. I suppose I can’t blame the mirror of it’s my reflection that is upsetting me, can I?
I want him to like me and respect me but at the same time I can’t be liked or respected for something that I’m not. I don’t just sit here a placidly accept the world for being the way it is. I don’t just expect that everyone is going to be the stereotypical person that they are. I don’t allow the fact that no body cares to stop me from saying what I believe. I don’t allow the fact that the world is fucked up to stop me from seeing how it could and should be. I don’t let the obstacle of money stop me from dreaming up a utopian world or an extensively customizable revolutionary video game.


























Saturday, December, 20th 2008 at 3:55pm

To make an excuse for not having a gift for My Boyfriend on our two-year anniversary would be pointless. There isn’t an excuse, but there is a reason. That reason is I have not been sure we’d make it this far, and I have not made it even a small priority.
I sincerely don’t believe he has anything for me, so I guess it’s just as well. It’s really more embarrassing that I don’t have anything for him for x-mas. I don’t have more than two items to put into my parent’s stockings. I got perhaps a total of ten gifts, and they’re all quite small. I can’t put into words how badly I feel about this...
It seems impossible to write on my novel when I feel so...
I just want to go back to bed again.
It’s fully apparent to me now that I can’t sleep if I feel lonely and I don’t want to get up if I feel like I’m getting up only to feel lonely. Hence why if I’m woken up to having to go do something I feel wretched about it. As if I’m only good awake so that I can go fulfill an obligation...
I got down to the depth of my person last night...
And I can’t even write about that...
I feel like I’m sinking lower just as I sit here. I feel more lonely and yet I don’t want to leave this room and face obligations; that will be a distraction yet again, not a solution.
I was supposed to write today damn it! And the moment I begin...
My excuses are useless.
It’s not as if anyone cares...
Well, of course they do... But not... In the ways that count...
I have to stop, to staunch the tears before they come.

4:45pm... I just had an amazing experience. After writing the above I laid down and thought and pouted and resisted crying for a while. I realized that I felt tired, and it occurred to me that I only felt tired because I wanted to reset how I feel. Going to sleep resets your mind; or at least it should if you’re sleeping restfully.
I realized that I wanted to reset my lonely feeling. Once I am asleep I don’t (generally) feel lonely. I’m not necessarily saying this is true, but I think that it’s possible that this is because I’m with other spirits while I’m sleeping. Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to wake into an empty room: because I’m with people in my sleep. Of course, this could also be explained (I’m sure) by how the brain works. I’m of the opinion that either explanation alone is not the full truth.
After coming to those conclusions I realized that it would be awesome if I could use that to my advantage. If only I could go to sleep deeply and then just wake in a few minutes and feel better. I know however that I can’t do that, right? If only I could be hypnotized into doing it...
Then I remembered that in “Many Lifetimes” it’s often mentioned that one can be self-hypnotized to a certain degree. With this in mind I said to myself (in my head):
“You are feeling tired. You want to go to sleep. You will sleep deeply and completely. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rejuvenated. You will sleep when I reach 1. 20... 19... 18...” I counted down, but the odd thing was that as I was counting down I found my attention being distracted by my breathing. When I got to one I was still awake and I was also noticing sounds downstairs that were bothering me. So I tried again:
“You are going to fall asleep at the count of thirty. You will sleep deeply and you will dream. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rested. You will not be distracted by your breathing or from outside noises. 1... 2... 3...” I don’t remember reaching thirty, but in ten minutes I woke up feeling great! I’m amazed. I’m dumbfounded. I can’t believe it worked!
Even more amazing is that I know that I dreamed. I don’t remember what I dreamed, but I know that I did. I woke so quickly and so completely that the dream was too distant. I probably should have included in my instructions to myself “you will remember your dream.” That would be much more remarkable.
Now that I feel like I can really do this with the right mind-set I’m going to have to test it out many times in the near future.








Wednesday, December, 24th 2008 at 7:07pm

So I said to My Bestfriend on IM today:
I had this dream... I was cuddling next to you, and you said something to me that made me feel really bad, and I got up and said "fuck you" and then I felt worse, and then I went and cuddled up next to My First Love, and he looked at me in his sad-eyes way and then he was like pregnant or something because he had this giant balloon-stomach, and it was disturbing... Then he went and slept on a shelf, which was even weirder... And this all happened in some house that My Boyfriend had bought for us even though he never showed up in the dream... And there were these weird upstairs-residents that kept bothering us.
I have not been on IM. I have not checked my e-mail. I have not written in my novel. Holidays can do that to you sometimes. And you can see how long it’s been since I posted a blog entry. I have taken a bunch of pictures however, which I’ll be posting when I get a chance. I’m going to attempt to write on my novel now however, while I have the chance.

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 1:20am

Corvier is downstairs in the game room (sitting at the pink and black card table) with his laptop 3D-modeling while listening to gangster-rap music. He’s doing this due to my dislike of the said “music.”
So why didn’t I break up with him on the twenty-first like I had planned? Well, let’s start with why I was planning on leaving him in the first place:
He had stopping paying attention to me; he didn’t notice if I cleaned, dressed-up, cooked or even had sex with him. And even if he noticed, he sure didn’t say anything to me.
He let his anger control him on too many occasions. He’s driven in unsafe ways due to his anger. He’s pushed me out of anger. He has said very mean things to me out of anger.
He has made a number of promises to me he hasn’t kept. In general, he’s terrible at keeping his word. In fact, he’s terrible at making plans, and when he does, he never sticks to them.
He has this complex where he believes all women are lying, cheating, manipulating, prude bitches left-over from his first love with whom he had a baby with (who was given up for adoption.) They were over for four years when My Boyfriend and I met and he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since.
He has drug-use issues. He smokes weed almost daily, and on average, since I’ve met him, he drinks once or twice a week. And on average, once a month gets piss drunk. When he’s drunk, he’s more likely to get angry.
When My Boyfriend is angry he becomes an entirely different person. His values literally shift, which is a serious problem for him, with me or not.
Despite many promises to work on these issues, the overall conclusion was that things were never going to change and things were brought to a nasty peak on Thanksgiving, after four months of already feeling like things were pretty-much over.
We were over Thanksgiving day, but my mom intervened. She says her reason for doing so was because we were both upset and should make a decision like that when we were both thinking more rationally.
So, the conclusion when I spoke with my mom that day was, “I’ll give him another chance, but mom, this is the last of the last.”
Corvier seemed to come to some serious realizations. He hasn’t drank since then (that I know of – and that alone is enough because if he comes home sober than he can’t be drinking enough to count even if he is still drinking now and then). He’s been much more understanding. He’s been much more affectionate and loving. He’s apologized over and over again.
In addition to these, he seems to truly be repenting for his past actions. He knows that he deserved to be left, and that I stayed with him out of pure sympathy. He’s been much more forth coming, more talkative, and even made some attempts to be romantic. It’s possible for us to entirely fall back in love again at this point...
The only issue here is that I have so much doubt and so much fear. Well, I shouldn’t say I’m really afraid. In truth, if we parted now, I’d be very upset, but I would not be devastated. We’ve had a good relationship overall. We’ve both learned a lot, and we’ve been instrumental in our understanding of the outside world. I think we’ve both changed dramatically for the better. So what more can you really ask from a relationship? Isn’t permanence a rather mighty and selfish request? It probably is, but I’ll ask for it anyway.
Do I ask for permanence with My Boyfriend? No. I don’t ask for it with anyone in particular. I ask for just someone to be around for the next forty or fifty years who will love me unconditionally, relate to me, and cooperate with me. And if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to love them back. If that person is My Boyfriend; then that is convenient and merry... If not, then I hope it becomes more clear to me in the near future.
But do I hope that? I’m enjoying our relapse into the relationship we once had. I feel good again about our relationship, even with my doubts.
I want it to work out. I want that person to be My Boyfriend. Is that want clouding my reasoning? I did say I wanted to give My Boyfriend the chance to change, and he is changing. The fact that he’s changing should be a reason to be happy; and yet instead I ask; but is this enough?
Perhaps this is greedy, but I want the best deal I can get. While the love part is required, as well as being able to communicate and cooperate, I still desire someone attractive with a decent earning potential as well as a good intellect and interesting hobbies. My Boyfriend has all of that, but he wavers on his communication and cooperation, which are two key things...
And it’s not that I couldn’t find all of those qualities in another man... And it’s not even that I don’t believe I could love another man... I suppose it’s just that I’m afraid of the process. I’m afraid of the separation. I’m afraid that it may take months, years... Who knows how long to find someone truly better.
Of course there are people I know who would date me. Several, actually. And while many of them are decent, I don’t feel like they... Could make me feel how My Boyfriend makes me feel.
Ah, he just returned and helped me fill in that blank. My whole face just lights up when he comes in. He had a similar childhood to mine. He has very like interests. Sure, we disagree about music, but we agree about many other things; TV programs, anime, art, computers, books...
If it’s possible for things to continue this way, then this could definitely work. My remaining concerns are being able to communicate fully, being able to satisfy his sex-drive (or rather, his need for feeling loved which can usually only be satisfied through sex), and our ability to continue to grow together without letting tensions build up again even if we fully recover what we once had.
What I find most encouraging is that we’re both so capable of changing. He might be just as capable as I, and that might be what I’m afraid is irreplaceable. His mind can be changed, whereas too many people I know will never back down off their high horses even when completely out-witted. No one out there quite believes what I believe, but My Boyfriend in many aspects comes close; and that is very precious to me.


Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 2:01am

As a recap of a previous entry: (I’ve edited this and added to it for better flow and more clarity so I have a solid background of what I’ve already said to add to.)
[Begin Edited Recap]
We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
You understand what happens in jail? The fucked up mind-set becomes ten times worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster. Putting drug dealers, rapists and murderers and thieves all under one roof is not a good idea. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people (that are of course specially trained to help them) – not other people with worse issues. Not heartless guards!
I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I personally know three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would anyone put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.
If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Of course, confinement from the outside world is necessary for murders, but it doesn’t change the fact that they need help, not to be bunched with other murderers!
What do we expect to happen? Are we hoping they off each other so that we don’t have to be “responsible” for it?
Conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a helpful environment and other specialists however could begin to make a dent.
If our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. But of course, no such advisor is really available.
I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.
[End Edited Recap]

Tater writes:
Sorry, but I don't tend to blame "society" for my sister's murder. I blame her MURDERER! I am sure he needs counseling. I am also sure he needs to be exactly where he is: IN JAIL. He is a violent, violent man. He is already serving a sentence for assaulting three other individuals in various ways...he hasn't even gone to trial for my sister's murder. I understand where you are coming from to a degree, but I find your whole argument (esp. if it applies to violent offenders) to be offensive, personally. You might feel differently if one of your loved ones was murdered. Though one thing I can say... I was against the death penalty BEFORE Sarah was murdered and am still against it.

Tater,
I would say, “I feel your pain,” but obviously, I don’t, because I’ve never been there. Though it’s said, “one need not be Caesar to understand Caesar,” I do believe that some things can not be truly empathized with if you haven’t been there.
Yes, murderers must be confined. That is without question. I’m more in question of what happens in confinement. Imagine, this individual is out there with people who got locked up for selling weed. This guy is in confinement with people who were stealing to feed their family, and even people who are innocent. Worse than that, he’s confined with other individuals who are worse than himself. All of those people are further damaging each other; emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually if you will.
And pure solitude will completely ruin a person; might as well kill them if you’re going to feed them through a slot. With help, many of these people could be truly helped, and beyond that could be assessed. People that are around these convicts everyday would actually be able to tell if someone is truly cured or not. Sitting in front of some panel once a year and making your case for leaving jail early is just ridiculous. As if a person’s character can be judged in fifteen minutes.
Ever seen the movie Shawshank Redemption? If not, I recommend it, it’s an excellent movie that takes place almost entirely in jail.
In every conversation, movie and book in which jail has been involved the person(s) who were in jail always came out worse-off. Every single time. I don’t mean to say that murderers should run free as long as they see their shrink, but I do mean to say that they should not be in contact with any other criminals.
I’m imagining a facility that’s much like a hospital crossed with a hotel. The rooms are small, but elegant. The windows are barred, but they have sunlight. Upon request they can have books brought to them, art supplies and other things to pass their time. Video cameras would be in all of the rooms to ensure that none of them were planning to use any of these things as weapons.
Three times a day they would be escorted from their room. Twice to eat in a cafeteria, once to see a specialist for an hour. Two or three times a week they’d be aloud outdoors, but at most, only two other criminals would be outside at the same time and any negative conversation between them would have them both immediately sent back to their rooms.
Yes, this would make prisons much more expensive, but more ordinary criminals would not need to be held for as long and innocent people would be much easier to weed out. Beyond that, it would be healthier in every respect.
Do you still disagree with what I’m saying?