Would you...?

Friday, December, 5th 2008 at 12:07am

I had an awesome Friday. Matt came over and we painted together. I cooked potatoes and carrots in herbs. Matt left, and Asa arrived. Asa, Mom and I played this awesome game called Dominion for hours and hours.

Saturday, December, 6th 2008 at 5:34pm

In my dream I went to jail for some reason. A guard charged me with breaking up crack. Since I don’t really know much about it in real life the dream kept switching up how it was done. At once point I was cutting plants with a knife. At another point I was crushing up powder. The smell would keep me so high and confused, and everyone was constantly offering me a pipe full of the stuff.
Then I was supposed to ‘roll’ the stuff into little balls and wet it with my saliva to make it crystalize; put it on the end of a toothpick... And put the toothpick into the eyes of dogs... It was a terrible dream. That’s probably what I get for oversleeping. Then again, I was up until 9am, so of course I’ve been sleeping all day.
Crusifer came home at 6am or so and I had only been asleep for less than half an hour. I ended up being wide awake. Things got emotional. We had a really meaningful conversation, but I don’t think it changes anything. I have no faith in his words anymore. I do think he understands the situation though, he just doesn’t have the will power to change things. He knows how though. I know he knows how. And he also knows that he doesn’t have long to show me that he’s something other that what I’ve grown to know him as.
I think I’m going to give him the letter soon. I wasn’t going to do it after all if you’d asked me yesterday, but last night I wanted to. He already knows what’s happening. It’s not as if it’s news. And I feel it’s only fair he has the chance to try to do something about it... Why do I keep on letting a tiny spark of hope glimmer?
Does it still come back to Jeremy leaving me? I want to give the chance I felt I wasn’t given. But I have given it, over and over again...

Sunday, December, 7th 2008 at 1:29am

I... Felt great a while ago. Now it’s all drained away.
I got up very late... Around five-thirty. It’s because I was up until 9am talking to Crusifer last night. I almost hate how much I still love him. I hate how I become so filled with hope for short bits of time. It’s pointless. Another day, where he can’t make it home and can’t call. Why do I bother at all?
I just called for the third time. He says he’s been asleep at Frankie house. I guess Nikki didn’t give him a ride home after all. And of course he never thought anywhere in there to call me. He claims he’s going to walk home now.
I wrote a bit today. I have 57,000 words over ninety-five pages. Beyond that though, I love how the story is coming along. The only real issue with it is how long it’s becoming. I’m not even dawdling that much on details or in any one area of the plot. I just have so much story-line to get out, and so many new twists keep coming to me. And my character just went through this change that I didn’t really see coming. It’s so cool when something just happens without you even realizing it until you’ve written it.
And after I wrote for a while I went downstairs and worked on stuff with my mom. I unloaded five or six boxes of books that came down from the attic once upon a time. (The ‘back’ of the attic used to be chocked full of boxes of books, all of which were covered in soot from the fire. When I cleaned out this area to become my future office those books were put in the living room and on the enclosed-porch.) I unloaded those books onto the shelves my mom has been building on the other end of the living room. They’re almost full now.
The other project we’ve been working on these past few days is the old craft room. (Also on the first floor, adjacent to the dining room.) It’s now just going to be a sewing and wrapping room. So everything that isn’t sewing and x-mas stuff is moving out of there. All of the craft stuff is moving up to Mary’s old bed room (on the second floor), a. k. a. my old bed room. And the new craft room is almost full now.
I carried a couple boxes of crafts from the new sewing room to the new craft room and unloaded and organized them as well today. I didn’t do any cooking. I just ate a couple of apples with cheese while I watched Gunslinger girl.
Mom and I played a two player game of race for the galaxy and I won by around 20 points. It was something like 60 to 40 I think. And then Ashley called me and I guess she had a really bad day. So I listened and offered to hang out with her tonight. (I was betting Crusifer wasn’t going to make it home.)
A lot of calling back and such happened, and plans changed back and forth a bunch of times but what ended up happening was Ashley, Vanessa and Matt came over at around 11:45pm and we played a five-player game of Race for the Galaxy. This was the first time playing with five players since I got the expansion so I was pleased with that. (My mom played too, she’s the fifth player.) And because I had to do so much explaining I didn’t pay attention to my own plays at all. Vanessa and I tied for last place with 33 points, (I can believe I remember these details), and Ashley came in third with 43 points, Matt came in second with 44 points and Mom won with around 60 points.
That was fun. The game ended at 1:15am and Ashley only got two hours of sleep last night so she was pretty tired. And Vanessa said she’d be too tired to drive if she waited any longer to go. I suggested that either Ashley or Matt or both could stay and I could drive them home tomorrow or something, but they both opted on being driven home instead. (Ashley and Vanessa back to the dorms and Matt back to his house. They all go to the University of Buffalo.)
Wow, I totally forgot I was writing this entry, I’ve been on IM for so long.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 4:29am

I stole this from :redrubynail. Løw redrubynail of deviant art.

Your real name: Phoenix; it’s my real middle name anyway
Age: 19
Height: 5'6"
Natural hair color: Brunette
Eye color: Blue
Skin color: Very pale
Glasses/contacts?: Both, but usually glasses
Piercings: None, and never will
Tattoos: None, and never will.
Braces: In the past.
Other distinctive markings: I have a small mole on my neck just above my right collar bone.

--FAVORITES--
Color: Black & Pink
Band: Nox Arcana
Video game: Civilization (By far the best game ever made, even the first one.)
Movie: How about my favorite series? That’s much easier: Death Note
Book: Flesh & Spirt and Breath & Bone a two-part series by Carol Berg
Food: Jazz apples with five-year aged white cheddar cheese.
Game on a cell phone: None.
CD: I have no idea; but my favorite song right now is Butterflies & Hurricanes by Muse.
Flower: Tiger Lily
Scent: His armpit after a long day’s work.
Animal: Phoenix of course.
Comic book: I don’t read comics, but I do love animes. Spirited Away is an awesome anime movie.
Cereal: Organic granola... Have no idea what the name of my favorite one is though.
Website: My own blog probably.
Cartoon: Ghost in the Shell, if you can call it a cartoon. I prefer to call it an anime.

--DO YOU--
Play an instrument?: Violin, but I suck and haven’t played in years
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: Not even half that
Like to sing?: I hate to sing around people. I love to sing when I’m alone.
Have a job?: I’d like one; one that would pay really well with few hours a week where I could spout my ideas into reality.
Have a cell phone?: Yep.
Like to play sports?: I like dancing, and ice skating and biking.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I haven’t been single for more than a month at a time since I was in eighth grade.
Have a crush on someone?: Ish.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: I wish I had.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: There are three, and two of them are not mine.
Have any special talents/skills?: I can come up with ideas very quickly. I can learn a new board game faster than anyone I’ve ever met. I can hold 99% of a conversation for hours upon hours.
Exercise daily?: I try.
Like school?: I’ve never been to a really good one, but if I could go to a really good one, then I’d probably love it.

--CAN YOU--
Sing the alphabet backwards?: I fail.
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: Another fail.
Speak any other languages?: Fail.
Go a day without food?: Total fail.
Remember your dreams: Around once a week.
Read music, not just tabs?: …I can read lyrics.
Roll your tongue?: Fail.
Eat a whole pizza?: I wouldn’t touch one.

--HAVE YOU EVER--
Won something in the lottery?: Yep. Something like a fries.
Snuck out of the house?: A bunch of times when I was 14.
Lied to get out of trouble?: Perhaps once.
Had a computer crash?: A couple.
Seen a shooting star?: Nope.
Been to any other countries?: Another Fail.
Had a serious surgery?: No.
Stolen something important to someone else?: Never.
Solved a rubiks cube?: I think I did once, I failed a heck of a lot more.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yes.
Cried over a girl?: Probably.
Cried over a boy?: I do that a lot, actually.
Kissed a random stranger?: Yes, a blonde girl on a bus once...
Hugged a random stranger?: Yes.
Been in a fist fight?: Ish.
Been arrested?: No.
Done drugs?: Yes, but never again.
Had alcohol?: Ditto my last.
Laughed and had something come out of your nose?: ..Yes, once.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yeah, I’m such a rebel.
Sneaked into the opposite sex's bathroom?: Nay.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Several times, mostly because of snow days.
Swore at your parents?: I’ve called them a few not very good things, yes. I once called my dad a coward. He didn’t like that very much.
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: Not on purpose.
Been to a casino?: No.
Ran over an animal and killed it?: I hope not.
Gotten stitches?: No.
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: Heh.. No.
Made homemade muffins?: Yes, tons of times.
Bitten someone?: Yes.
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: No.
Burped in someone’s face?: Ew, gross no.

--WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU--
Brushed your teeth: A few hours ago.
Cried: Yesterday.
Went to the bathroom: Like twenty minutes ago.
Saw a movie in a theater: Some anti-religion movie with a bunch of people... Religious I think it was called. Can’t remember the date.
Read a book: I’m rereading a book my mom read to me years ago: So Moses Was Born by Joan Grant. It’s an excellent book, I highly recommend it.
Had a snow day: Well, snow has been on the ground the past few days.
Had a party: I have board game parties at my house every Friday.
Went to a doctor: I don’t want to talk about it.
Tripped in front of someone: Happens all the time, I can’t keep track.
Went to the grocery store: Hm... Like a week ago.
Got sick: Hm. You know, back when I was a kid I was sick three or four times in just one winter. I’m doing a lot better now.
Got cursed: Like, by a person? Like cursed out? Oh, hm. Probably back in High School, senior year.
Called someone: I called Crusifer last night a bunch of times.

--DO YOU PREFER--
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit.
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Depends.
TV/movie: Anime
Body spray/lotion: Lotion
Cash/cheque: Cash
Pillows/blankets: Blankets (they’re warmer!)
Headache/stomach ache: Headache. (I’ve had stomach aches you’d never take over a headache.)
Paint/charcoal: Oh, both! And pencils, and crayons, and markers, and digital edits!!!
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese. If it’s American style though, neither.
Summer/winter: Winter
Snow/rain: Rain
Fog/misty: Both
Rock/rap: Rock
Meat/vegetarian: A little of each?
Chocolate/vanilla: I don’t do sugar, but plain raw chocolate with fruit and honey for flavor... Now that would be a treat.
Sprinkles/icing: Ew gross no.
Cake/pie: Ew double gross no.
Strawberries/blueberries: Strawberries and raspberries!
Ocean/swimming pool: Swimming pool.
Cookies/muffins: Sounds like sugar. Sounds gross.
Wallet/pocket: Purse
Window/door: Door. It’s easier to get through.
Charles Chaplin/Chespirito: Who and who?
Pink/purple: Pink!
Cat/dog: Cat, but neither if I have to clean up after it.
Long sleeve/short sleeve: Uh, that would clearly depend.
Pants/shorts: Skirt? No, pants. Shorts suck.
Winter break/spring break: I don’t remember.
Spring/autumn: Spring, I like stuff budding.
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds
Moon/mars: Moon.
Questions/Answers: Who knows.
War/Peace: Peace; duh. Anything other is immature and stupid. War is a creation of males and their pride and their egos and fanatics who are power hungry and greedy. War is wrong.

--I...--
Am: crying idealistic tears of creativity.
Want: money, love, and a position in life that will allow me to create, learn and teach.
Need: all the things I want.
Love: loving and being loved.
Hate: as little as possible, which is a lot of things.
Feel: like my eyeballs are popping out of their sockets.
Did: I did? I can’t think of something that is grammatically correct to fit with those first two words.
Miss: being happy.
Am annoyed by: sheep; those following mindless robots.
Would rather: die than have to go through another heartbreak, but I have to live.
Am tired of: Everything.
Will always: be searching for perfect love.

--MISCELLANEOUS--
What is your favorite genre of music?: Hard to say. I like things I can dance to.
What time is it now?: 4:46am.
How much money do you have right now?: In the bank? That’s none of yours. (What’s a kroner?)
Are you hungry right now?: Ish.
What are you doing right now?: Obviously, I’m filling out answer after answer.
Do you like parades?: Not generally.
Do you like the moon?: Yes.
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: Hopefully I’ll sleep.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: The ability to know the truth about anything I wished to know the truth about.
--DO YOU THINK YOU ARE--
Funny?: Sometimes.
Cool?: I think I’m the coolest person alive.
Pretty?: More so than most.
Sarcastic?: Extremely.
Lazy?: Often.
Hyper?: Rarely.
Friendly?: To people I like.
Evil?: Not at all.
BC: What?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Unforgettable?: Yes.
Smart?: Very.
Strong?: Not physically, that’s for sure.
Talented?: Ish.
Dorky?: Depends on how you look at it.

--WHAT COMES TO MIND WITH THE WORD--
High: Weed.
Lonely: Guys.
Pen: Writing.
Flower: Pretty.
Window: Outdoors.
Psycho: Hot chick.
Brain freeze: Owch.
Strange: Me.
Sassy: Cool.
Suffering: Blood.
Art: Life.

--WOULD YOU EVER--
Sky dive?: Yes.
Run away?: Yes.
Curse at a teacher?: Probably.
Not take a shower for a week?: It happens all the time...
Ask someone out?: I’ve done it plenty of times.
Unscrew your cellphone too see what's inside?: Probably not.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: No.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: I want to move to Japan.
Go scuba diving?: Yes.
Write a book?: I’m working on that.
Assemble a computer?: I would.
Become a rock star?: I would if I could.
Have a long-distance relationship?: Never.
Marry someone you don't know?: Never.

--LAST QUESTIONS--
What kind of computer do you have?: Alienware laptop.
What grade/level of studies are you in?: I’m still in preschool... Haha. I’m hoping to go to college when I turn 21.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 6:22pm

Crusifer really wants to be with me. But desire just isn’t enough. I still plan to leave him, but I do leave the door of possibility open. Yesterday was a marvelous day. We had one of those good days we used to have all of the time. Crusifer, for perhaps the first time, took what I said about what I want literally, and I actually acted upon it. He made me bath water, lit candles in the bathroom, made me tea, and then got me up, and dragged me down the stairs in my robe and brought me into the bathroom. He finally did something akin to being romantic.
Not that romance is really necessary for a relationship, but it can certainly help balance out some arguments and help set a day on the right foot. And we certainly started Sunday on the right foot. We then proceeded to clean. We changed the sheets, pillow cases and blankets. We straightened up our personal items. We swept the floor behind the bed and around. We swept the stairs, tore up the carpet covering half the stairs and tossed it out. We painted half the steps and took out the screws that had been holding the carpet down.
I say ‘we’ did each one of those things not because as an individual we completed around half of the task, but because for each one of those tasks we were there for each other, helping each other in moral support if not physically. That’s how I believe it should be.
Then while he played video games over where the desktop computers used to be I sat over here and wrote. We did this peacefully, understanding that I needed silence and he wanted his game. After a while he got lonely and laid next to me on the bed reading his book. After we cuddled and read for while we ended up making love. It was by far the best sex we’ve had in over a month. I told him so, too.
We cuddled some more. We talked tons of episodes of Full Metal Alchemist. He napped for a short while. We made chicken and rice. We stayed up into the late ours of the night talking. Not arguing, but sometimes disagreeing.
We came to the conclusion that he doesn’t have a split personality or an anger problem. He has a duel mentality. That mentality is part of him, but it’s also bringing his overall person down. He knows this, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Part of the issue is that he’s still attached to that mentality. He developed it during his depression after Brianna left him. I understand the psychology behind it.
I told him about how I was going to leave Thanksgiving day after he pushed me. About how I promised myself I’d leave if he ever touched me in a violent way again. I let him know we were only still together because of my mom. He was hurt, but he didn’t react violently. He didn’t even retreat. He still let me kiss him, and then eventually, kissed me back.
I felt loved yesterday. I can’t say it brought me back to being in love with him. No, that would take a lot more than one day. I told him that as well. I said, “I’ll admit I don’t feel as I did before... But I do still want this to work.” I thought it would probably be to harsh to say the classic, “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you,” and besides, that’s a slightly different message. The key part of my statement was that despite how I feel, I still want things to work out.
For a while I wasn’t sure if that’s still what I wanted or not. Of course, what I really want is the best for both of us either way. If it’s not the best for both of us to be together and to work things out, then I want us to separate as best as possible. At this point, I feel like I have closure, like he could be gone tomorrow and I’d nod my head in acquiescence and move on. I love the time we spent together. It’s wasn’t more than half bad really. I’ll cherish those memories either way.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 6:52pm

AOL says Matt wrote this to me four hours ago:

No crying, this e-mail should be encouraging so if it leaves you feeling otherwise, talk to me... Don't share this before I do. That is to say, I’m going to have similar conversations with a number of people (Ashley is one of them), and I would prefer that I got to be the one to explain myself in each situation before you go confide in your confidant.

[Quote from Phoenix’s Blog]

...it's just not the same... I can't say the same things to Matt at all. I can't feel that sense of belonging with them. I feel like an awkward fourth wheel, as if their car only has three. I understand the whole thing about always being honest, but at this point it just feels like Matt is endlessly making fun of me.
I think I made an ass of myself today. I talked too much. When they were silent, I talked, and no one commented. When they talked, no one ever heard or paid attention to what I was saying. I felt like an ass, let's put it that way. Sure, they'll accept my company. Ashley will pick me up. Matt will speak to me and sometimes comment on things I say... It's more than I’ve had with "friends" before, but... It's no replacement.

[End Quote]

I don't know for sure if this was the day we went to the water or not, but it looks like it and I’m going to respond as if it was anyways.
When it was just you, Ash, and I, you were being really dense. Alex does the same thing all the time. People who aren't used to it always seem to have trouble entering a reflective introversive state in social situations, because that’s typically a personal thing that they usually convince themselves is stupid to engage in, in the first place. I don't know how much of that applied to you in that instance, but you showed the same symptoms of someone as I’ve described.
Not gonna lie here, originally I was just going to hang out with Ash. Over the thanksgiving break, drama had occurred that needed addressing, and we were going to have a stress down day. As soon as you called it wasn't even a question to me though, you were coming and I was going to make an effort to see that you did. Its conflicting. I don't know why I can flip like that. First I’m supposed to have another philosophical conversation with Ash, and then suddenly, I need to make sure Atara gets to escape for a while.
It might be because I assume that Ashley's strong enough to get past whatever is going on in her life without making some stupid mistake or getting truly bent up about it, but that’s not even true. She suffers a lot. See? Like I said, I really don't know.
You were acting really dense... Did you really think I was going to respond when you asked me about my glasses? I was in heaven there. I could have died at anytime and been totally at peace with it. Granted, I feel that way all the time, but it was more evident then.
Why is meaningful conversation, audible or otherwise, impossible with a third person? Fuck that. I think I might've wanted to appease both sides: to get Atara outside for a while, and let Ashley know that there are people out there who are willing to be human. Either way, by the time we hit the peace bridge, I'd forgotten about it. By that time I was totally within myself. I didn't care about either of you. I was "perfectly alone" again.
As we got closer to the car though, I knew it couldn't last, I was going to die so I had to keep on living, so I felt I had to share some of my experiences with you two. You were only the outsider there, "an ass" as you put it, because you weren't able to be social and silent at the same time. That’s how I see it at least.
Other people must find it strange... I don't know if Ashley has the same feeling, but I'd be surprised if she didn't. When for instance we're in the car going to wherever, we might say absolutely nothing, but we're being social. I can sit on the bus next to tens of people a day and not say anything and there is no connection, but I can also just be in the same room as someone and seem to completely ignore their existence, but when we say nothing, it feels like we're saying so much more than when we use words.
Often using word just feels like failed explorations. As if its some new method of communicating that we aren't very good at yet. The point is, you can be extroversively introversive, and that’s what I’m trying to instill in people when I ask them to hang out. I don't want superficial bullshit, this social courtship that everyone goes through with each other because they don't want to offend, to drive each other away. That’s what I mean when I say you shouldn't care about what I think.
I’ve told you that you can't embarrass yourself to me. There is almost nothing you can do that will drive me away, so be yourself. Its sounds like some reading rainbow refrain but its how I feel. Don't be a phony fool. Don't feel a need to entertain me or anyone else, to be the life of the party or even have anything to offer the group. All that I want is an open mind, another person who won't hold anything back because of a difference of opinion, who won't be totally offended when I disagree. It doesn't sicken me that you believe in something I think is total bullshit. What makes me have reservations is when you feel embarrassed because I refuse to censor myself.
Don't censor yourself, that’s just another form of closing yourself off, your true self and your own natural opinions. I’m not going to be slave to the social system. I like to think that’s why I have appeal. I’m not just willing to say the things no one else will, I actually do say them consistently and with confidence. If I met myself, I think I would love to have met someone who was willing to be themselves and not some appeaser; someone who, rather than looking for acceptance like the rest, just advertises who he is, gives the finger to everyone who doesn't approve and welcomes in anyone who does.
That’s the only way I know to find true friends. You can't create them, because people aren't who you want them to be. You can't turn yourself into someone you're not to be accepted because that’s not who you are and it will only break you in the process. I think I’m capable of being anyone's true friend actually. What I try to advertise is the brutal honesty I talked about however many months ago. I want to hang out with people who are willing to be honest. That much should be obvious from my relationship with you.
There isn't much we agree on. Art is the only thing remotely similar in us, and our art isn't very similar as it is. I don't judge you on such a mundane characteristics, I want the center of your humanity, your "soul." On that level, I think we're all compatible, its just that people are unwilling to be themselves for fear of alienation.
I don't know if you consciously do this, or if you're going to respond by saying that you don't do it and I must be misinterpreting something, but as far as I’m concerned you do this. You have that fear of alienation. You've admitted it to me. Paradoxically, I think the only thing that could really drive me away from you is your refusal to overcome that fear. So far I have no intention of leaving your life. It sounds strange, but, take me for granted. You don't have to work for this, but working for it could make you lose it. And no, overcoming that fear is not a free ticket into my pants so cut that shit out :P
And remember, if anyone is the forth wheel, its Alex, and I invite him just the same... Besides, this train's got more than one car. We can have as many wheels as are willing to spin. -Matt

And that’s all he wrote folks. Oh wait, yeah, and here is the part where I write stuff:

Matt,
First and foremost; It’s Fri-End. I think of it as some silly joke about frying the ends of people when you spell friend. That’s how I remember it. Now you have no excuse to forget. Okay, so that was first, and not at all foremost.
Yes, it was the day that we went down to the water and then to the café, and cardshop.
I get the whole ‘reflective introversive,’ in fact, I was trying to explain that to Crusifer last night. We ended up calling it the ‘atmosphere.’ In other words, I was trying to explain to him what I felt I’d been learning from you, and I couldn’t seem to find the words for it. I said something along the lines of;
“Something about being somewhere else... The new smells, the appearance of the sky... It’s not something I would have got as a kid at all; would have gone right over my head. But something about the experience itself...”
“You mean, you like having friends,” Crusifer interjected.
“No, it’s not the people, but the places too. Like, it could have a similar effect if I was all by myself, but it would be different...”
“Now you’re changing what you’re saying,” he interjected again.
“No, I mean, it’s just that getting out of the house once a week or so and just being outdoors or in a new place, and feeling that sensation of existing...”
“You like going out, I get it,” he said.
“It’s not that. I don’t like going out, or I never did. Or rather, I hate going out when there is a TV involved, or when there is superficial conversation, or when people are smoking cigarettes. I don’t want to see people getting fucked up. I don’t want to listen to stupid gossiping. I don’t want to be in some person’s house as some stupid gathering of people talks about their pets and their coworkers, and how fucked up they got last weekend. Going out has always been bad in the past. I learned from experience that staying in is better. But now, Matt has shown me something different... Walking down the street with a cup of hot tea in your hand when it’s cold; going to the beach in winter, being a part of nature in companionable silence... It’s altogether different.”
“The atmosphere.”
“Exactly, it’s just a great atmosphere. Something I can use in my writing. Something I can look back on when I need to calm down. Something I can remember to use for inspiration for a drawing, poem or scene in my novel. These experiences are actually useful, even though they seem so trivial.”
I didn’t expect it to take so long to record that, but then I realized that his interjections were relevant to the development of the thought. However, being reflective and introversive also fits the bill.
Yeah, I get that. I get it completely. However, I also feel like attempting to have three-way conversations is... Imperative for some reason. I was desperate to break the two-way exchanges, and I can’t say it’s not because I’m afraid of being alienated, but I’d like to think it couldn’t be summed up so easily.
I’ve never had anyone aside from the current boyfriend and my parents. Sure, there are people, but you know very well how people being around doesn’t mean anything if you never establish a certain level of connection.
When I asked you about your glasses it was because I couldn’t really tell from my angle, and I was curious if you had taken them off because of what I said before about not having them until just a couple years ago. I thought that would make an interesting topic of debate, but when you didn’t respond, it just added to my feeling lost.
I told this to Crusifer, though I never wrote it anywhere. It seemed to me that the entire day, whenever you spoke you turned in Ashley’s direction. And obviously sound travels in the direction you speak in, so I found it difficult to hear anything you said, and therefor could not respond to any of it. Perhaps it wasn’t intentional, but either way, subconscious or conscious, you weren’t directly any conversation in my direction and well, what am I supposed to think?
I like a bit of silence, I do, but I spend so much time silently within myself that I’m bursting with things to say by the time I see people again. I crave connections with people, I do. I do fear being alienated, though only by people I grow a liking for. After all, I’m alienated from most of the people who regularly attend the cardshop. While I might feel a twinge of dissatisfaction with that from time to time, at the end of that day I don’t care about what those people think because I don’t know them well enough to respect their opinions.
Now that I know you well enough to care about what you think, trying to attain your acceptance is a part of my motive in my actions. I’m so used to everyone discarding me after a time, so I’ve gone to all sorts of lengths to prevent that with people I’ve grown to care about in the last year. I’ve really opened up with little hope rested on anything being returned.
I’m not sure if I went over the deep end on the instant message with Ashley or not, but I did make sure that it was clear that I wanted to be her friend. Not just a friend of a friend. And I suppose I outright promised to be a good one. I’ve never done that before.
“Often using word just feels like failed explorations.” Often, it may be so. I only feel like my words are failed explorations when I’m uncomfortable with the conversation or the person I’m having it with. I suppose I feel differently about board games than you do, because I feel like a board game is never a failed exploration. I prefer it to silence and to most conversations. Playing a game is a friendly way to see just how clever everyone is. Teaching a board game tests my ability to be understood. Learning a board game tests your ability to understand. Playing the game well tests your deductive abilities as well as your ability to think on your toes. Observing the other players presents all sorts of opportunities for discoveries.
“I don't want superficial bullshit, this social courtship that everyone goes through with each other because they don't want to offend, to drive each other away.” I don’t want superficial bullshit either, but at the same time, I don’t want to drive away perfectly good people just by saying or doing something that didn’t have to be said or done. You may be an exception, but most people, obviously, are not.
If I didn’t censor anything I said I’d be a complete laughing stock and you know it. I cut out half the things I’m inclined to say when I speak almost all of the time. Imagine how much more I would talk if I said everything I felt like saying. Of course, now I’m just saying that being myself involves censorship, which means that not censoring would not be being myself. Or I might be saying that I’m so used to censoring myself that I’m afraid if I don’t I’m going to be a blabbering idiot. Either way, talking less seems to always be a good idea in my case.
If I met myself I’d be similarly pleased. I do like myself in that sense. If there were two of me, we’d be nuts about each other. We’d probably get married, seriously. A companion, a person to bounce my ideas off of, someone who wouldn’t be offended by crazy ideas, sick jokes, and graphic imagery of insane thoughts. Someone who’d want to cuddle all the time and wouldn’t feel silly in public. Someone who’d enjoy dressing up in crazy outfits. If there were two of me one of us would probably cut their hair really short and spike it up and get an ear ring or two just so that at least one of us could look as rebel as we feel.
What a narcissistic fantasy I have going there. I do strive to be the perfect girlfriend in my own opinion, so I guess I’m doing well considering I can fantasize about dating myself. I like my mannerisms, level of consideration, body, stream of conversation and activities quite well. Anyway, that was a total side thought...
In reference to everyone being compatible on a soul level, that’s exactly what Mort said; that marriage counselor guy I make reference to when I’m speaking on how people should behave in a loving relationship. He said that if you’re not connected with someone’s soul then you’re going to break up, if not now, then eventually. All characteristics are always in flux, but the part of us who is the same observer watching those characteristics change, is always the same observer. The person who is the I in the statement: “I am not who I was,” is always the same, and if you can connect with someone’s observer, then you don’t ever have to ‘breakup.’
I like your conclusion. As many wheels as are willing to spin. I’ve always wished for a large group of awesome people who wanted to do everything and anything together. I sort of pushed that thought aside back when I realized how much people sucked. I replaced that dream with children and marriage I guess.
You aspire to having a perfectly honest and open relationship with everyone, whereas I couldn’t find it with anyone, so I aspire to having it with one person. Not just in any one area, but in every area of everything. Being perfectly at peace with everything the other has to say, and feeling completely open to say anything you like, or be silent, or to do any wild thing that comes to mind. I’d feel complete if I could have that one person I could dance and sing with and not feel silly. If I could speak my mind and have my thoughts welcomed, and make suggestions and have them taken as brilliant ideas, because of course I’d do the same for them...
I can agree with your logic. I can follow it without a problem. I just think that there are some areas in which there is a deeper truth, one which I can’t express to you in any number of words. While nothing matters at all, everything tiny action matters immensely. While humans are silly shallow beings, we are also each vast within ourselves. You get that, and yet you take the ‘everything doesn’t mean anything’ approach more often than I can understand or credit. Am I barking up the wrong tree here or do you know what I’m talking about?
While keeping perfect control is honorable, respectful and logical, it’s also ridiculous, nearly impossible, and borderline paranoid. It seems to me to be self-defeating, and it also seems in opposition to many of your other ‘mantras.’ For example, you like spraying the paint on the paper with a stick. There is hardly any control at all in that. You said so yourself, about how art wasn’t controllable, so why try to control it? Emotions aren’t controllable any more than art is, that’s for sure. They may be restrainable, like art. They may be containable, like art.
Hm, no that’s not it either. A good point, but not the point I’m trying to make. It’ll come to me eventually, but not today I guess.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 7:57pm

Mom writes: “I get no support from my parents or from Crusifer or from anybody. Nobody is interested in the things I do. Nobody is just waiting to see my next artwork. Nobody is waking up bright and early just to read my blog posts every morning. Nobody is just rushing to get home from work to write me a letter. Nobody is calling me on the phone asking me how my novel is coming. Nobody is asking me if I need help with anything. Nobody asks me how my day went. Nobody remarks that my room is dirty or that I need a shower. Nobody asks me if I've been working on my board game lately. Nobody asks me if I've had another one of my crazy ideas. Noone asks about my utopian creation; D.D.P. Nobody supports me in anything I do.”

Oh I hear you on that! And I know it's true. And I wish I could do better about it.
You need to think, though, about the fact that few people get this. They used to say, "Behind every successful man is a good woman." Because that was a woman's job - building up her man, cheering his successes. Didn't matter, of course, if no one did it for her!
But few people actually get that anymore, male or female. Including me.
You have to learn to do all you can, be all you can, without the cheering squad. Because no matter who you end up with, they are not going to give you the encouragement you crave.

“My education was so important to mom... To both of them. Dad always wanted to teach me something too. There was always so much to learn. Where did it go?”

Mostly just simply that you aren't a child anymore. What you do now is up to you. And I am so overwhelmed, I can barely keep myself afloat. Do you know that I'm seldom even brushing my teeth? Because it's one thing I can skip. One tiny place where I can control how I spend my time. If *I* wanted to learn Japanese, it would probably be different, but I don't. I *hate* languages, except in a vague way. Probably simply because I'm not good at them.
I want to tell you what Daddy said last night. He asked me when he had ever made fun of your learning Japanese, and I said I didn't remember but that he had been dismissive of everything you try to do lately. I told him that you felt that he didn't love you anymore, and that you had been avoiding him. He was very surprised, but of course, as anytime the subject is his feelings, he didn't say anything.
OMG! This is really great! And not the least bit cheesy!:

“There are two types of manipulation... (Fine, this is cheesy then too.) One type is a cruel play on psychology. The other is romance. Crusifer always thinks I'm trying to manipulate him. When I'm just doing things out of love. I told him if he thought I was manipulating him then he should do the same back. I said I wanted to be manipulated. He said I was crazy and a liar. I realize now, that being romantic is just manipulating the other person into deeper feelings based on what you know about them. I love it.”

Now THAT is the kind of thing that, worked into a book, gives you a reputation as a great writer.
Oh, and one more thing. MEN REALLY DO CONSIDER AN ORGASM AS THE ULTIMATE, MOST IMPORTANT EXPERIENCE! That's why they can't comprehend that women don't feel the same about it. Everything they think and do is related to it. Studies show that men think about having sex at least once every 15 minutes.
Did I tell you this? Perhaps you don't recall that Camille, who you met at the door the other day, is a male-to-female transsexual. She told me once what a tremendous relief it is not to be the slave of testosterone, to be thinking about sex all the time.

And that’s all she wrote... So then I had to write stuff.

I take this as my mom being mom. She’s so down on the world because after all, what did the world give her? An unappreciating husband and a collection of unappreciating people. Yeah, so that’s not a word; bite me.
I think that it’s not about males and females but about shallow people. Perhaps that’s why Matt rocks. He’s genuinely not shallow in any way. Most of us are, at least in some ways, if not in most ways.
On the note of sex; god it’s magical, but boy does it suck.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 8:34pm
Decode

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
You wont take away my pride
No not this time; Not this time

How did we get here? I use to know you so well
How did we get here? Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode)

Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

I think I know...
There is something...
I see in you
It might kill me...
I want it to be true