December 15th 2008

Monday, December, 15th 2008 at 12:54pm

I should be going grocery shopping right now... And even though I’ve been awake for an hour I don’t feel like doing anything... Except going back to sleep. Ha, mom just called me. I just we’re going to get floor tiles and then going to Wegmans. Well, tired or not, stuff needs to get done.

Monday, December, 15th 2008 at 5:49pm

Pah, I don’t feel right at all today. I’m tired and yet not tired. I’m hungry and yet not hungry. I want to see people and yet I want to be alone. I want to accomplish stuff and yet I want to not do a darn thing... I feel not myself. I feel apart from my self. Like my body, mind and soul are entirely separate at the moment...
8:24pm... I’m dreading the thought of picking up My Boyfriend from work... I feel so out of it that I don’t want to drive...
Tuesday; 12:26am... I didn’t pick up My Boyfriend from work... He told me was going to get a ride and then ended up not getting one and had to walk... I’m reading “Many Lifetimes” by Joan Grant Denys Kelsey. It’s a very good book thus far.
Today mom and I laid a row of floor-tiles in my ‘new’ kitchen. I should take a picture if I remember... I went grocery shopping with mom today, got more apples and cheese. I’m still addicted to that stuff, heh. I didn’t really do any writing today; I just ‘scribbled’ up a couple ideas. Here is what I wrote today;

“Have you heard of the ‘big bang theory’?”
“Yes, it’s one of the few things ever taken seriously that came from an Earth Legend.”
“Well, according to the big bang theory, once the entire universe was essentially nonexistent, and then – bang! – it explodes from some single point and has been expanding ever since. I take this to mean that the universe could once be summed up by zero, because after all there was nothing there, correct?”
“I guess, what are you getting at?”
“If you take a basic algebraic equation you can add two to both sides, am I right?”
“Well, you could, yes.”
“And in order to move two from one side to the other I’d have to subtract it from both sides, and then I’d end up with what I started with, right?”
“Exactly. Adding two to both sides doesn’t actually change anything, so what’s your point?”
“My point, my dear, is that perhaps the same could be said for the universe. Two was added to both sides. Then a variable was added to both sides, then some other crazy numbers and variables. Then on side is condensed from plus two, plus three, times x down to five-x, while the other side is left expanded. Before you know it you have this insane crazy jumble that seems insolvable, but the answer still remains zero. Therefor everything is a paradox, because the universe doesn’t actually have a substance when ‘solved.’ Everything is a paradox.”

I don’t even know what characters are talking here yet, just something I want two characters to discuss at some point. Today hasn’t been a bad day, just an off one.

Tuesday, December, 16th 2008 at 1:16am

“What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.”
You’ve heard that before, right? I couldn’t disagree more completely. If you’re a paraplegic are you stronger than when you had both your arms and legs because you didn’t die in the process? Is a traumatized child whose been raped as a toddler stronger because they’re now terrified of sex and the gender of the offender for the rest of their life? How are feats of pain in any way respectable? How is war honorable?
I’ve come to the conclusion that violence is weakness. War is greedy, inconsiderate, arrogant, naive, and weak. It’s giving in to our most unrespectable desires, that underneath are not even our true desires. If a boy is taken hunting by his father and shoots a bird and then cries for killing the bird while his father congratulates him and pats him on the back, then who is being more natural? The boy who is solemn and sad, or the man who is excited?
I don’t not disagree with killing animals. Hunting is not disgraceful when it is for the need of our own body or the need of a loved one’s body. But one should not feel happy that the animal is dead, we should feel happy that we are skilled, that we shall eat, that we will triumph in the face of hunger. Hunting should never be for sport.
We’ve evolved past needing to hunt. We’ve evolved past “needing” war. We have organized countries, and farms with breed thousands of animals. There is no excuse to go hunting wolves. There is no excuse to kill another person. The only person who has the right to decide if a person should live or die is the one who inhabits that person’s body. For goodness sakes let a person die if they’re ready to die and don’t put them a damned machine.
Not that agree with suicide either. Perhaps suicide in the face of certain death in the near future, but not when you still have a perfectly good body to remain within.
I’m just so sick of violence everywhere. It’s in every movie, it’s in every book. People are constantly talking about it. Children are more violent than ever – youtube videos of fights between school kids are all over the place... It’s just sickening and it’s completely without purpose. It does nothing but serve pain. There is no lesson to be learned other than to stop fighting. There is nothing to feel except pain and regret and loss.
Depriving oneself or another person is not only unethical; it’s pointless. It only serves further negativity. How can anyone in their right mind want to hurt themselves or anyone else? Of course, we’ve all been extremely upset at some point in our life, and at that time we may have wanted to do irrational things... But I just can’t fathom purposeful violent actions. It’s completely eluding me right now.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, and all I can come up with is that humans as a whole are still a bunch of stunting beings. We’re not surviving anywhere near our potential. We’re not bringing children up in interactive enough environments. We’re not surrounding ourselves with reasons to be positive and uplifted. Everyone should be going to college, and I mean everyone. You shouldn’t stop after four years; classes should be free and life-long. The end of learning is the end of life. The more you learn the more alive you are.
And how much more could we be learning each and everyday than we are now? If we were all working together instead of fighting each other verbally and physically?



Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 3:25am

This is a composite of a bunch of thoughts for Ayian...

I know what it feels like when no one noticed that you spent major time busting your ass cleaning up THEIR messes. Oh I know it all too well...
There isn't much worse than crying perpetually and being sick constantly and blowing your nose some more because of that! Well, of course there are many things that are worse, but then I wouldn’t sound sympathetic at all, and of course I am sympathetic. I’m so tired of crying over men and relationships and so on and so on. Are we ever going to meet and see if... Well... You know. For some reason I suddenly don’t feel so forward about my thoughts; go figure.
Ever seen the banner that says “who needs a shrink when you have a pen?” – I like that banner. It’s a good one. Anyway, on the subject of your entry... I hate to sound sexist, but I can’t imagine supporting a man. I mean, sure, if I was very rich or something and he really needed the help, but I can’t imagine busting my ass every day to barely make it and to be covering him as well. Not that anyone was doing that, but you were making me think about it... Hm, that’s something I never thought about... Being with a woman... I can’t imagine being the ‘guy’ in the relationship, but I can imagine being with a woman. If my mind and hers link, and I find her attractive, then surely I’d be able to fall in love? Pah, I’m rambling now.
Hey, violence never solved anything. At least, it never solved anything permanently or completely. Punching someone in the face; not so cool.
So you felt her energy did you? I'd love to meditate with you.
That's an interesting thought. Thinking dumb-happy thoughts does make you dumb-happy. Why? Because how you feel is a result of your thoughts nine of ten times, right?
I’m all too familiar with memory lapses due to weed... In fact, Sunday night I smoked several bowl-fulls with My Boyfriend and we were so messed up... On top of that, I was completely inapt all Monday. I was ill-focused, tired, lacking in desire and ambition, my memory was hazy and worst of all was that constant feeling like I was stuck in a dream and couldn’t wake up. Weed is something that *can* and possibly even *should* be enjoyed once in a long while – say perhaps in six months or in two years – but when it becomes twice a month, once a week and then suddenly every other day and then once a day, then you can’t even keep track how much... You start living in an unsure dreamworld. The worst part is, is that often, during a particularly stressful high, you find yourself asking yourself; “Why did I smoke this weed?” “When will I be sober again?” “What would I be doing right now if I could think?” “Is it obvious to everyone else how I feel right now?” And so forth. And when you find yourself whispering inside your mind ‘don’t do this again’ then you know you have a problem. I congratulate you on any progress; but honestly the biggest barrier to quitting is breaking away from the places and people where the smoking most often occurs.
“So when I claim to want Nathanial, I attempt to turn every touch and sensation into his own skin. That in itself is destroying my relationship with Will. But I do love Will. Mental Adultery.”
Could I not resonate with that any more than I already do? Oh bother. I think the cure for wanting someone new is simply having someone who is determined to make you fall in love with them all over again at least once a month. Relationships get stale, especially after the first three months. After a year you feel steady and accomplished, but after a year and a half you feel like it’s getting old but at the same time you’re still attached. Fights become rampant. Suddenly you don’t spend as much time together, then you find yourself slightly attracted to someone else – and oops!
Even if you don’t physically cheat you still feel like a liar. I hate that feeling. Denying that you feel that way doesn’t help and admitting it puts a nasty stress on the relationship. Lying to yourself isn’t helpful but indulging in destroys the link between you and your lover. I hate the pattern, but it’s so bloody hard to break! After so many ‘almost-over’ times... I just feel detached so often. I thought I still wanted it to work, and I still think that I do, but I’m not positive that I think I do, I just think that I think that I do want it to work... Gosh that sentence was long and awkward.
I love My Boyfriend, but I can’t honestly say I’m in love with him anymore and this has been true for around four months. I believe it’s possible for me to fall back in love with him, but it would take efforts above and beyond being a ‘good boyfriend’ to make it happen, especially since so much emotional adultery has been committed on my part, if not any physical. In short, I empathize, I do.
Ah, the realization of one’s own stupidity. That one comes back and back and back to bite you doesn’t it? It comes back to bite me all the time. Consider this, before my relationship with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex I was sure I was going to college and I was interested in learning new things, and I was virtually a sober person. My major issue back then was self-control, but that’s another story. After two years with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex I talked like a ghetto-idiot, and I was in the habit of smoking every day, rarely skipping a day and often smoking more than once in a day. My memory had entirely atrophied; and I had basically given up on my art. Now, two years later, sometimes I still feel like I’m catching up for all the lost time, but don’t we all? I can boast now that I have not drank an alcohol in nearly two years. I can boast that I have not had high fructose corn syrup in... I think four years. I’ve only smoked weed a handful of times in the last two years, especially in comparison to the two years previous to these two. What I’m saying is, it can come back around much more quickly than you think. It just takes a little self determination and a willingness to let go of the past and to (of course) find a new future.

Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 1:00pm

So I say to My Bestfriend;
Heh, tell me why... My Crazy “Ninja” Ex calls me this morning... And after talking for over an hour he tells me... That he would divorce his wife to have me back! And then he starts giving me his... like... resume... Telling me he has two cars and stuff and how he's changed!
My best male friend says: He’s prolly got problems in his relationship right now
I say: He says he's always felt that way. He only told me because I'm having problems. He said he never told me because I seemed happy.
My best male friend says: Yea, you have a habit of getting suckered by guys because you're blinded by your uncontrollable desire.
2:15pm, I say: My desire is very well under control thank you. I mean, you have no idea what it was like for me at 12. I was INSANE. I mean, literally. I cried night after night from pent up unspent lustful emotion. I was driven by sex day and night for almost four years. And I didn't even have my first orgasm until the third year of that. Now, I'd say I have things under control.
My best male friend says: And you've made progress, but sex isn’t the only thing you desire.
I say: Very true. That desire isn't as easy to dismiss.
My best male friend says: just because it sounds more noble now doesn't make it any less poisoning
I say: I wouldn't say it's poisoning. Which is why it's not so easy to dismiss. I genuinely believe there isn't anything more worth while than being mutually in love with someone. It makes everything else in life that much more important.
My best male friend says: See? You're mind has been poisoning into denying its negative influence over you.
I say: Yeah, heartbreak is the toll you pay for love. Falling is the toll for walking. Nothing is worth anything that doesn't come with risk. My only problem is wanting it so badly that I can't imagine being alone. My problem is fear of loneliness, not aspiration of perfect love.
My best male friend says: You don’t just get heartbroken woman, you see someone advertizing heartbreak and cut to the front of the line, and once they deliver you start to cry and ask for more.
I say: My fear of loneliness is a serious problem. Not at all, I'm so afraid of being alone that I keep trying to make things work even when it's clear it won't work because I'm so intent on the tiny chance that it might.
My best male friend says: Wake up out of you lovey-dovey stupor once in a while and take control rather that sit in this cycle of love highs and depression.
I say: If and when My Boyfriend and I break up... Around sixty-forty chances right now... He's up from ninety-ten, then I shall date. Not go out with any one person, but date.
He says: You know, multiple times you said it was over, he just waved his wand at you again and there you are once more, for however many month now..
I say: Not so exactly. Mom changed things this time. I was done, but she decided to talk us both out of it while I was moving our shit. Like I was actually packing up some of his things... I was done. And I would have been done if he'd pulled even one little stunt since then, but he hasn't. For nine days he's been perfectly respectful and endearing.
He says: You were done I think, I don’t think there was a "one more stunt" and you were finished.
I say: There wasn't on Thanksgiving, I was done. And then my mom made me go for one last shot. One more shot after My Boyfriend realized it was really over.
Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 2:36pm

I’ve been up since ten-thirty when My Boyfriend woke me up with an egg on toast and a cup of tea... It’s that sort of thing that’s making me believe again. Maybe I’m a fool, but if My Boyfriend proves us all wrong, then who is the fool? Everyone?
After My Boyfriend left My Crazy “Ninja” Ex called me. As I said to My Bestfriend, after we talked for a long time (mostly about spiritual things, I told him about the book I’m reading and about my newly confirmed beliefs about Darghtonyon) I mentioned some things about how things are going with My Boyfriend. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was surprised. He believed My Boyfriend and I were set for life...
Speaking of which, My Boyfriend keeps telling me how he wants me to be his wife... And asking if I want to be his wife, which is hard to answer. I told My Boyfriend over the phone after he’d made it to work that the honest and full truth is that I do love him, but hold my reservations. He answered that this hurt him, but that he knows.
I wonder how long things can persist this way? If I continued to not trust him for the next three months – would he continue to try then? What about the next year? Most certainly not in that case. And how far is he willing to go to keep me? And even if he is willing to go far enough, how long will that last? I wish I could tell what things would be like after a year of marriage or after five years of marriage... I wish I could see what it would be like with any man who would take me so I could make a smart decision.
It seems to me that if I leave My Boyfriend I’ll just be in the same place two years later. The only way out of the same pattern I can see is either to; (1) date a woman, or (2) date My First Love since we wouldn’t be silly infatuated lovers but grown people who would appreciate each other, or (3) stay single for a long time and date prospective lovers for long periods of time to get to know them outside of a relationship.
I’d like to try all three if I’m single again. Ask My First Love in as a room-mate, date him, date some other people, including women. No sex involved with any of them, just play-dates and maybe a few kisses and cuddling. Intimate time without any intimate time. You know?
Anyway, as I said, after My Crazy “Ninja” Ex heard that things weren’t the best with My Boyfriend he made the sneaky and perceptive choice to tell me that he wanted me back. His reason is that he feels I understand him best. I’ve seen him at his worst, whereas his wife has not. I said to him, “Aren’t you attached to your wife? You’ve been with her for two years!”
He said that he was, but not the way he’s attached to me. This surprised me. It’s almost as if Danya is to him like My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was to me. Like I was to My Crazy “Ninja” Ex like My First Love was to me. Like Brianna was to My Boyfriend like My First Love was to me. God, it just goes round and round and round and nobody is on the same level as anyone! Oh, and perhaps Janet is much to My First Love like My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was to me like Danya is to Tre! I wonder how Danya feels about Tre! For goodness sakes this is just bloody confounding.
But who is to whom like My Boyfriend is to me? My Boyfriend... I believed him to be better than my first when we originally got together. My first love as a young woman and not as a growing girl. My first love as a “mature” person. My first love with a like-person. My first relationship that logically ought to be heading somewhere. The first person I’d met “like me” so I thought. But like me now? He’s like a part of me, a part of me frozen in time unable to grow up. I feel like I was like him, but now I’ve grown. So now what?
I told My Crazy “Ninja” Ex that I’d remember he’d said that, but reminded him that even in the even that I become single again, I won’t come running to him. That’s for sure. I did say that I wouldn’t be opposed to a casual date perhaps. Something that his wife would be okay with, even if she never knows about it.
Something else My Crazy “Ninja” Ex said that was particularly interesting, in fact, more interesting than his interest in me, is that he now can’t sleep at night unless he can count seven good deeds that he’s done throughout the day. He feels he needs to atone not only for the bad deeds of this life but in past lives. I agree with him there.
I talked with my mother about this for a bit and she said, “This is going to sound hoaky from where we both are in life right now, but that was what the Christ was all about.”
“What?” I said, completely bewildered by this statement.
She went on to explain that the Christ was for the purpose of absolving people of their long-history sins. Not just their karma from this life, but in their last lives. As a child, that hadn’t made much sense to me, but after my two-year relationship with Tre, and hearing what My Crazy “Ninja” Ex had to say today, and after everything I’ve read from Joan Grant... It all falls into place for me now. I don’t expect my readers to understand or to respect this. Most people who believe in Christ do not believe in reincarnation, so in the public’s opinion, I’m entirely fucked.
And those who believe in reincarnation are often spiritualists who detest organized religion. And beyond that, those who are usually intelligent enough to come to their own conclusions end up denouncing all spirituality and religion as silly stories and beliefs and traditions that ought to be done away with.
I, fortunately and also unfortunately fall into none of those three most common categories. Through my experience spirits do exist. Through my experience energy or chakra or chi is real. Through my experience meditation can have astounding and unbelievable effects that can’t be easily explained away by science.
I do not believe god shaped us out of clay with some ephemeral hand made of clouds. I do not believe Jesus was the only important prophet or savior, and neither do I believe that the story is accurate. It may even be dated wrong since similar stories have been told thousands of years before Jesus was said to have been born.
I do believe current organized religion is a bounty of corruption. I believe people would be better off as atheists than as Christians. I believe people don’t need religion to be good people.
I don’t believe in a heaven or a hell, but I do believe in a life after death. I don’t believe in any one god, but I do believe in karma.
I’ve come to all of these conclusions through; (1) personal experience most importantly, (2) reading, (3) intellectual debates, (4) inspiration movies, music and other sources of possible information and insight, though these are helpful on a much lesser degree than the first three I’ve listed.
The real fact of the My Bestfriender is that I have people, experience and books to back up my beliefs whereas most people have a church, a bible and brainwashed faith. I have particular examples of unexplainable events in my life whereas most atheists simply say “clearly there are no floating beings in the sky waiting to judge me.” I can’t simply be out-argued out of my beliefs. They can be expanded upon, adjusted, or shifted into a new focus, which happens all the time I might add, but they can’t be completely dislodged because I know there is truth in them.
Just like it becomes obvious to a person that most people never get over their first love after they go through their first heartbreak, so it has become obvious to me that reincarnation is a fact, not a convenient story or a made-up tale. I’m writing all of this because I know how controversial it is for me to have just written that Christ was all about absolving people of sins from their soul – including the sins of past life times.
It’s not so much that I believe in “sins” so much as I believe in karma. And it’s not so much that I believe in karma as it is that I believe a soul carries emotions, and one large on is guilt. When you feel guilt for a past offense then you carry the weight of the offence with you, and until you have redeemed yourself you are subject to negative effects. That, I believe, is founded in science as much as spirit.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That is karma after all. Why does nobody I meet see it that way? Science, history, myths, religion, and spirituality all fit together to make a complex and complete picture. And while noone has the entire puzzle, we all have a piece to add. But instead of listening, and being open minded, and expanding our understanding, we all stand around denouncing each other left and right.
We can all agree that we’d like to be treated in a certain way, and we can all agree that we’d be more likely to treat other people that way if they treated us that way first. And I’m sure most of us can agree that in order for that to ever become common we as individuals must decide to start every relationship that way. We must treat others as we wish to be treated. No My Bestfriender your background, your understandings, your beliefs, I’m sure you can agree with me on that point.
You probably want respect for your beliefs, your ideas, and your thoughts. So why can’t we respect that we are all different? If we did that, then the killing would stop – just like that, it would stop. Why would you kill a man because he cheated on you? You know that if you did that you’d want to be forgiven, not murdered. So forgive and move on. The strength it must take to do such a thing – to really forgive adultery and then make a clean break... But we all have the power to control ourselves, even when we think we don’t, even when our emotions are running high, there is always a way to stop.
Someone once said that sometimes we feel like we can’t stop masturbating, that we’re right in the middle of it, then we’re incapable of stopping the motion, that our body is locked. We really feel that way. Until your mom walks in the room. Suddenly you can stop very quickly and even easily. This shows just how much control we have, even when we’re positive that we’re locked.
My point is, when it really comes down to it, there is no excuse for human’s behavior as a whole. Sure, we can psycho-analyze the entire human race and why they do what they do, but we can’t say there is any excuse for not doing onto others as we wish them to do to us because every single one of us knows innately that it’s the only way to solve this giant problem called humanity. For anyone who can truly say that they treat all others they way they wish to be treated; I respect you, and I’m positive you will respect me, even if I do have the most odd mixture of beliefs.

Tater writes: Thanks for the postcards..you guys are really talented! When my sister was first murdered I used to think about violence a lot. I would ask myself "WHY? How could he actually have done that?" I don't ask "Why?" anymore because I don't think there is an answer. Actually, if there is an answer..it is because he is mentally ill. That is about all I can come up with. Though I don't necessarily agree with "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"..I sort of relate to the saying...It take alot to start doing major healing after a major trauma (such as losing my sister and mom) but I feel like I am stronger than most people BECAUSE I have had to go through those tragedies.

I reply: Ah, I'm glad they made it. (The postcards that is.) Recovering from emotional trauma is indeed strengthening. I was perhaps too broad in my entry, and I undoubtedly wrote a lot of subjective and flawed concepts there because I was feeling very unhappy about the state of the world. I think it's much more complex than "if it doesn't kill you, then you get stronger" or the reverse. It's of course some where in the gray area.

Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 9:54pm

I just had a short discussion with my father of my own free will... It was difficult to will myself to do it, but I did. I started it with;
"I don't wish to have a prolonged debate because I find that more hindering to our relationship than beneficial."
And then we talked for about ten minutes about his drinking habits, why I'm not in college, and my future plans. I feel like a giant rock has been taken off my chest.
11:33pm...I keep thinking to myself; "If something happened to my dad tomorrow I'd feel so bad because he'd never know how much it hurts me that we couldn't be closer." It makes my eyes begin to tear just to write that. I feel so deeply torn about him.
I can’t respect him for what he does, but I can’t help but respect him for being there for me even though I hate how he’s never really here for me. I feel betrayed when I think about him, but I also feel pity and sickness and sadness... I feel light headed.
He was a really good father to me when I was very small, but just grew more and more distant and more and more harsh since I was ten. I don't even know if it's because of me or if it's his own issues. Did he give up on me? Has he ever felt proud of me? Does he ever wish he could be closer to me?
Are we women ever doing anything other than trying to attain daddy’s unattainable love? Is that all I’m reduced to? I understand the psychological implications, I see all the dots connect, I’m not an idiot... I see the connection between my attitudes towards sex and men and relationships and love and I see how they correlate to my experiences with my father... I know, and I’ve known for so long, but it’s so damn hard to admit to myself.
Christ is all I can do just to keep focusing on the screen and not collapse and wail...
Several tissues and minutes later... I want to be able to go to my dad with things, but everything we talk about... He takes on this dominating and “I am right and can say no wrong” tone which is so hard to respond to. It brings out my automatic hostility. It’s hard to remain calm when he always talks like that.