Drunk Driving

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 5:11pm

I can barely think, much less do anything useful.
5:16pm... I got up at 3:39pm. I was up until seven o’clock in the morning last night. My Boyfriend and I had a wonderful Sunday... He’s even trying to resolve arguments permanently. This is a first. He’s never come around and then compromised with me and apologized and concluded that we need never have the same argument because we’ve now found an answer...
I’m genuinely impressed. I think might waste my day way on AIM or something... Or not; the internet is being silly...
Not quite as silly as my parents...
My father got picked up for drunk driving on Friday night. He spent Saturday there. Sunday he came back. I have no idea what the story is. All I know is that both my parents are miserable and bickering. I want to fix it. I was to talk them down. I want to comfort them both. And yet I feel completely incapable of even asking my mom what’s been going on; much less asking my dad.
Fuck my body hurts... It feels like... Worms. I feel like the pain is this house is so palpable that I’ve absorbed it into my body... I can’t even write about it anymore... I’m going to put on some music and digital paint...

6:44pm...
I say: (6:44:09 PM): I was going to leave my boyfriend last month because he was falling into the same trap. He's making an amazing turn around these past three weeks however, so I'm giving him another chance.
Random Guy Says: (7:24:26 PM): lucky him
I say: (7:24:50 PM): Yeah; he's beginning to really understand how lucky he is; and that can change a lot.
Random Guy Says: (7:25:04 PM): aye...'tis true
I say: (7:25:32 PM): I said outright to him last night: "This is going to sound really stuck up, but I'm a very unusual and unique girl. And I won't settle for being treated any less than what I deserve." In other words; I rock, so you have to rock or I'll leave. lol.
Random Guy Says: (7:26:14 PM): lol...*claps*...well played
I say: (7:27:09 PM): We've been together for two years and nine days now. When we met we were very different people from who we are now; so these past three or four months we've been establishing our roles in our relationship and in life all over again. I don't either of us realized how far apart we'd grown until we almost broke up on Thanksgiving.
Random Guy Says: (7:27:53 PM): aye...who'd he still think you are?
I say: (7:30:52 PM): Well... For one thing, he's got past issues with women; he forgets I'm not like his mom, or his clients, or his co-workers, or his boss, or his ex. I'm not like any other woman he's met, so he forgets I won't act like other women he knows. And on top of that, I've swung even farther from the norm over the past year
Random Guy Says: (7:33:03 PM): How so?
My answer:
I was different than other girls when he met me in the first place by virtue of being extremely open-minded, sexual and freaky and yet not that flirtatious, honest and willing to speak my mind, outspoken and spontaneous.
I’ve been looking for husband material for a long time. Back then my ideas of what a good husband would be were a bit broader than they are now. When him and I met I was only a month out of a two-year abusive relationship in which the guy was a Rastafarian Jamaican Marital Artist who was a bit out of his mind. I had nothing else of real interest to talk about for a long time other than him which gave My Boyfriend the notion that I wanted to get back with the guy; which was nuts because I left that guy, not the other way around.
After throwing a bunch of house parties, trying out an open-relationship with My Boyfriend and going on a month-long road-trip with my Dad I came to some realizations; First of all – drinking sucks. Second; parties are a lot of work and reap little to no benefit. Third; open-relationships only work if you’re not in love or if you both have past lovers and are truly okay with the person you love sleeping with someone else.
So, we decided to become loyal to each other. He quit smoking cigarettes for me. I quit drinking. I also became much more interested in my health; I quit eating sugar, breads, pastas, dairy and meat. (I now eat meat and dairy and whole-grain wheat in very small portions from time to time to balance my nutrient intake.) I lost thirty-pounds. I stopped hanging around all of my ‘old-friends.’
I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a home-body. I’m not interested in ever getting a full-time job. I want to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school my children. I want to nurse them until their milk-teeth grow in. I’m not interested in doing any drugs or being with someone who does. I’ve taken a new-found love of board-games and have started up Friday-night board games at my house.
I care about the environment and politics and the well-being of the world more than anyone else I’ve ever met and that’s only grown over the past year. I like to take care of my man; I love to give back-rubs, pedicures, baths... I like to ride on top; I like to give an orgasm more than I like to have one. I want to take care of my husband in each and every way. I like to be bothered constantly by my love. I like phone calls and public groping.
I’m much more interested in love than money and objects. I’m more interested in having one person to love than having a plethora of friends. I’m more interested in the well being of the planet than TV. My religious and spiritual views are so far removed from the norm that I don’t even talk about them. I want to move to Japan. And I suppose those are only the basic reasons why I’m different from all the other women I meet; or people in general for that My Bestfriender.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 8:54pm

I’m listening to terrible hold music while waiting to speak to an hp tech-support person. The recording told me my printer is out of warrantee, but hopefully it was mistaken because in the summertime I purchased an additional year warrantee. Serial number... Model number... Phone number... What’s the problem? Well, red ink prints out with streaks and blotches. Cleaning the printhead doesn’t solve the problem. Changing the ink, restarting my computer, unplugging the printer and so forth do not solve the problem.
She just asked me if I know someone named Cathy... And she’s telling me I have no renewed warranty. She’s telling me she’ll sell me a new printer for less than the normal price... I’m telling her I can’t afford that... Oh how this makes me angry. So they’re not going to send me a new one because they messed up their records. Dandy. I can still print black and white, but still; what a royal pain in the ass.
The thing cost $350 two and a half years ago; the two-year ran out, and I paid $40 or $50 for another year six months ago, and now they're telling me that I didn't. This thing has had one error after another; they’ve sent me a new one around five times now. I’ve never banged one up; never dropped one; never did anything out of the ordinary to them. They just keep breaking on me one way or another. The lady tells me (in her accent that I can barely understand) that I can upgrade to a new model that is “the same printer but better” than costs “two-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninty-nine cents on the market” but that I can get it for $150 or something along those lines. No, I can’t afford that. I want my free replacement. In fact, there is no way I’d buy another printer that is “the same but better” when I’ve had so much trouble with this one! Especially not when their tech-support sucks so much ass.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 10:50pm

Hey My Mentor ,
Happy New Year!
I never expect a prompt reply from you so don't worry about it -- you're a busy man with a lot of demands on you.
What's interesting is that I did make it into City Honors; but my mom knew that I was a lazy brat and she sort of told me that if I chose to go to City Honors that things would be a lot harder for me. I'm not sure what her intentions were but for my Freshmen year I went to Traditional High School. At the time I would have told you I was fine with how everything was working out, but now looking back on it I was an idiot not to go to City Honors.
What's interesting to me is that you've described Colin as an exact invert of me school-wise. I was the awkward, and annoying know-it-all who loved Algebra and did terribly in History. (I've realized recently one of the major things that made my peers dislike me so much is that I was very quick to get an adult involved. If another kid picked on me I told my parents or a teacher. I was always much more interested in what adults had to say than other kids and I think the other kids resented that.)
Another interesting point is that just last night I was watching an anime (Japanese cartoon) where a sixth-grader was his class president and was doing all sorts of things for his class and the episode included his acceptance speech. I turned to My Boyfriend and asked; "Did any school you ever went to have a class president that actually did anything," and he said yes. I found this to be incredible news because at no school I've ever been to have I ever voted for a class president, met a class president or seen a speech by one. Though this would point to there not being any at any of the schools I've ever been to, I find that unlikely since I've been to so many. Perhaps I was just very oblivious? Anyway, I think it's amazing that Colin is participating actively (and successfully) in class-government.
Australia... I couldn't even imagine it. I've been dreaming of going to Japan; but I've recently become ambitious enough about it to look up dollar to yen conversion as well prices in Japan. It would by no means be cheap to visit; but that hasn't made me stop wanting to go.
Currently my life plan (go ahead, laugh, yes, my "life plan" ... okay, now I'm laughing at myself...) is as follows: Finish writing my novel (which I wrote the first 50,000 words of in November for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) mostly for fun, but now I've become very passionate about the story and am coming close to the end of the book), second is to finish creating my board game (the game plays with 2-6 players and I expect it to take 1 to 6 hours depending on how it's played and will be similar to StarCraft -- though I didn't know that until I got Starcraft the board game for Christmas), and third to go to college probably in January of 2010. I'm hoping to have both the novel and board game published before then. If I didn't believe that were possible, or if I didn't think that they were both publish-worthy I would have given up by now. But I'm very certain that my first-draft of this book is better than about 25% of the fantasy novels on the shelves right now, and I'm also positive that likewise is true for my game. Perhaps that's cocky, but I feel it's true.
That's my public life right now; on a more personal note My Boyfriend and I have been together for two years now (December 20th 2006 was when we started going out) and while our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, it's currently on an up. My father recently spent a night in jail for drunk driving and he's said that he's going to quit drinking so I expect that he's going to be different in the months to come. My mother is stresses and aching as usual (sorry to say) and unfortunately I wasn't able to make Christmas very good for her. We had a very uncomfortable little Christmas this year. If you have a space in your well-wishes, both my parents are in serious need of emotional, physical and spiritual healing.
Speaking of which, when did you see my mom?
PS: Just to add a happier note to this, I realize this is sounding pretty depressing overall; for the first time in my life I've been blessed with a couple of good friends. I've met a girl and a guy who I think will be in my life for a very long time. They're both in college and they're very open-minded and interesting people. While I've called many people in my life before "friends" these are the first peers I've met who I can honestly say are worthy of being called friends. I never knew how much my world-view was based on the fact that every peer I met was another person just wasting away their life on either drugs, boredom or bad company. Meeting some people of my own generation who don't fall into those categories has really brightened my outlook.
Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 9:46am

I begin the last day of the year with an argument and a lot of tears. It’s my fault; it really is. I know he ought to forgive me. Then I’d feel alright again. He’s not forgiving me...
It’s freezing cold. I’m wearing three blankets and yet I really need to be wearing an entire outfit and three blankets right now. If I keep typing my fingers will go numb. It’s incredible the laptop can run when it’s so cold to the touch. I wonder if it’s okay for it to be this cold?
My eyes are red for some unknown reason. They’ve been that way since sometime early yesterday. I’m guessing it was the shampoo I got in my eyes; the only thing is; I’ve gotten shampoo in my eyes a bunch of times and never had my eyes turn so red. They were still like this when I went to sleep, and now when I wake. Of course, I’ve cried a bunch this morning and last night – but they’re not that watery-tear-filled-pink color. They’re deep red right along the bottom eyelid.
My eyes have also been hurting frequently. I think I need my glasses prescription changed. I can no longer read street signs with my glasses on and I find myself leaning in towards the computer to read which is a real bother. I hope I don’t end up having to wear glasses to see my monitor. That would just blow so much...
Another odd thing was that sometime last week I noticed one of my irises was more dilated than the other by quite a bit. This, of course, happens when one eye is being exposed to more light than the other. I closed my eyes and put my hands over them for about thirty-seconds expecting them to be back to normal – but they didn’t change. Then I tried staring into the light for around ten seconds and they still didn’t change. That freaked me out a bit.
...I hate being awake right now. I’m freezing cold. I’m tired. I have a long day ahead of me. I have to go to the post office. I’m going to Asa’s for New Years Eve – and now I’m almost certain to be tired for that. I guess it’s imperative that I catch a nap. But when shall I do that?
I could go to the post office now. I wonder how My Boyfriend would feel about that. (Strange that I still have that conflicting voice in my head screaming; hell with what My Boyfriend thinks!) And yet... I’m not sure if I ever really felt that way; it’s just something I kept telling myself in order to try and move away from my behavior patterns.
My eyes are sort of burning now... Pressing my freezing cold fingers to them feels like bliss... In a very unhappy sort of way. I feel so very empty in a very hurt and down sort of way.
I know on an intellectual level that as a human being I have worth. I know on an intellectual level that while I what I said was bad, it’s not worth all of this; at least it’s not worth this much with our history. On an emotional level I feel like my entire life is just meaningless. I know on an intellectual level that this is just because I feel lonely. It’s because I’m seeking the unattainable daddy-love; just like Erica Jong writes about in her Isadora Wing trilogy.
On an emotional level, it doesn’t help. Nothing my intellect can tell me is going to change how I feel. And that’s how My Boyfriend feels. He knows that he ought to forgive me (I think) and he knows that he’s done worse to me many times (I think) and he knows that many times when I probably shouldn’t have; I forgave him (I think.) It doesn’t help to know those things; the bottom line is that what I said was hurtful.
It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I didn’t mean it the way that he took it. It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I apologized; several times now. It doesn’t My Bestfriender if I crept out of bed completely naked in the cold to try and talk to him and touch him and to get him to come back to me. No, those things change nothing. The problem is that he’s right. Not completely right; not right on all counts; but right on the most important principle: It’s my attitude or rather, my mind-set, that counts.
I don’t like being out-witted, and I don’t like being wrong; but much, much, much worse than that is the fact that I am guilty as charged. My mind-set has been; “See if My Boyfriend can pull this off; if not, what next?” Yeah, that’s a very boiled-down, blunt way to put it. Of course it’s not the whole truth; but in a nutshell, that is how I’ve been thinking.
The only major problem with boiling down my mind-set to that level is that it completely removes how I feel from the picture. And while my intellectual self knows that I can and will move on if things don’t work out; my emotional self doesn’t feel that way.
The truth is that I’d be completely heart-broken without My Boyfriend; and I know it. Never mind the fact that I’ve already cracked over and over again throughout this relationship; nothing changes the fact that until it’s over, it’s never completely cracked.
And I hate to admit it, because it feels weak and unworthy, but these past few weeks have made me fall back in love again. Of course I’ve admitted this to My Boyfriend, but I still feel like it shouldn’t be enough. Perhaps that’s the intellect telling me it shouldn’t be enough? And yet emotionally it’s clearly enough.
His mind-set has clearly changed. Could it revert? Probably; but maybe it won’t. He clearly is madly in love with me. Could that change? Of course it could; taking it for granted would be foolish. He’s been trying very hard, even if he has made a few small slips. The real question is; has it been enough? And intellectually I want to question if it’s been enough; but it obviously has been enough. I’m still here, after all.
That’s the root of it: regardless of all other factors – if things were to continue this way, then why leave? I’m content with this. I’m quite in love with this man – who is already dressed. It’s only 10:10am.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 4:55pm

A guy says: (4:55:47 PM): Hey there...going well?
I say: Yeah, writing on my novel
A guy says: yeesh...you sound like a busy little beaver
[SPOILER]
I say: The last paragraph I just wrote: "When I had agreed to this bit of alien insanity I hadn’t really processed the thought of a live baby of my own flesh. I hadn’t imagined in my wildest dreams that I’d be on a ship with my Doldaus grandfather, my mostly Nakian cousin whom I’d always believed was my baby sister, a commander of the bastard prince’s troops, while a pale and handsome Iriefe pulled our baby out of it’s incubation chamber." I’m on page 117 currently.
[END SPOILER]
A guy says: Not bad...I wasn't figuring on sci-fi.
I say: The main plot revolves around our main character's nation falling apart. The sub plots include the main character discovering she's been lied to about her linage, several suitors, and traveling around the world I've invented. Of course there is your fair share of secret societies, renegades, people who aren't what they seem, and nasty characters who seem to enjoy torture, and a couple of your "bad guys" who turn out to simply be logical people who have no problem with killing to reach their lofty and altruistic goals.
A guy says: Impressive...*claps*
I say: I'm convinced it's book-shelf worthy, and I've already got a few fans. Anyone who has read any part of it says it's like reading any other published book or better; and it's only a first draft. I write in my blog every day and have since I was 11, so I think all my writing practice and my creativity are finally working in harmony together. And I've also been doing a lot more reading; which always helps.
A guy says: Aye...tis true. Doing well otherwise?
I say: Well, I have a fight with My Boyfriend this morning, but I think we worked it out already.
A guy says: That's good; plus fights can lead to make up sex which can be good.
I say: Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
A guy says: true enough...which is not to say that a bit of crazy sex every now and again can't be loads of fun; even if you do feel a little guilt afterwards
I say: I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
A guy says: Good for you...I can definitely get behind a desire to want good things in one's life
I say: Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
A guy says: Sounds like you've definitely made some changes for the good.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 5:54pm

Kali (Jeremy’s cousin) sends me an instant messenger. Him and I once “went out” for a week between my the end of my relationship with My First Love and the beginning of my relationship with Tre. Part of the reason we didn’t really go out was because (after all) he’s My First Love’s cousin, and another reason was that I was just rebounding onto the first thing that looked even remotely eligible, and there were another handful of reasons.
We’ve talked a few times since then, but not a whole heck of a lot. He’s read what I have so far of my novel and I’m considering him one of my “fans” at this point. After talking about that for a while we go onto more interesting and serious topics:
I say: (6:08:38 PM): Things could have been interesting if I had truly tried to make a real relationship with you instead of going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex for two years.
Kali says: It was just too wrong; I mean u just broke up with my cousin.
I say: Of course, going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was crucial to building the character that I am now. He made me a lot stronger by leagues and bounds mentally and physically. Rather, your cousin broke up with me. I was such a mess. Hard to believe I had my panties in such a twist over it looking back, but heck, first love is first love.
Kali says: Thats why it was wrong in my book; if My First Love got together with my first love he'd have to go; she would too.
I say: I can see that; though time heals all wounds. If it wasn't so soon it would be different -- for example (not suggesting, so don't get any ideas) -- if it were now I don't think it'd be "wrong" for that reason anymore.
Kali says: um im taken, I wouldn’t have the time to foster a relationship plus I cant be that selfish; not saying that I wouldn’t
I say: I was only saying that it being wrong was only relevant because it was so soon at that time. It's sort-a old news now no My Bestfriender what Janet thinks, heh. I'm taken too you know.
Kali says: I stopped caring what she thought a while ago
I say: Yeah, I never really cared what she thought in the first place... I love My Boyfriend, and I want it to work, but we have so much bad history that it's always putting doubt in my mind despite how much things have changed for the better. He's angry that he's been trying so hard and that I still have doubts, but that just makes me angry because I dealt with him doubting me for over a year; and he didn't even have a reason to doubt me!
Kali says: doubt is bullshit... that’s what I figured. I totally fucked up and lasharee stayed with me so thats true love: when you do that and he stays, doubt has no place in your relationship.
I say: Yeah, My Boyfriend fucked up seriously bad and I'm still here, so I feel like he has no right to get mad at me -- at least not for another four months or so.
Kali says: You plan on fukkin some other guy in four months?
I say: No, I just mean that he owes it to me to not be mad at me after all I've forgiven him for.
Kali says: I see. Well im gonna put this out there since we are somewhat on the topic, id like to hit that one day. If the opportunity comes up. Other than that try to stay faithful to your significant other.
I say: I'll say to you what I said to someone else today; in a different context, but it applies:
Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
Kali says: all that... damn that’s deep
I say: (6:23:41 PM): In other words; unless one day I fall in love with you, it wouldn't happen.
Kali says: You didn’t have to sum it up: im smart you know
I say: *bows* I can be deep from time to time. I realized that when you asked for what sort of editing I was looking for and mentioned prepositions and the end of sentences.
Kali says: yeah I do that my English prof kicked ass
I say: I bet it did.
Kali says: as much as I agree with how you feel I respect that
I say: You still want to "hit that" though? Everyone wants to hit this now that it's gotten so fine; lol!
Kali says: but I havent been hurt so badly that I need to fall in love with someone else to do that, I feel I need to do that so there's no need for it later when im married
I say: I want to hit my damn self; I had a dream about it.
Kali says: silly ass; besides im in college I have to experience other types of women besides my own skin color
I say: Ah. That's an interesting way to look at it. My Boyfriend won't date or sleep with black girls, lol.
Kali says: why not?
I say: And I turned Tre; he says he'll never date or sleep with another black girl again. He doesn't like the look or attitude
Kali says: that’s kinda racist don’t ya think: all women have attitude
[By the by, Kali, My First Love and My Boyfriend are all black; or mixed or African American or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it.]
I say: I wouldn't screw a rican guy. I don't believe I have much of an attitude. But then again, I'm an exception. Or date a rican guy.
Kali says: Put any women in a situation where she has to defend her integrity attitude will come out.
[This is true for any man too; it’s really a human thing. Just that men are more likely to get physical over it.]
I say: I probably would never do it or go out with an Asian guy either -- but give me an Asian girl any time
Kali says: I can see that rican and Asian guys cant hit all the walls
I say: I learned how to put an attitude on in those situations from Tre; before him, I wouldn't have defended myself. One of the main reasons I was walked all over as a kid is because I had no attitude, not even as a put on
Kali says: Lasharee is was and still is like that im trying to put a stop to it. only thing is she still takes shit from me.
I say: I see. That can be a difficult situation. My mom always says "if you don't put your foot down, they won't take you seriously."
Kali says: Not outrageous shit like fucking someone else, I mean like they way I talk to her; all men live to be told what to do, except for a few.
[That’s an interesting statement coming from a man; too bad we didn’t discuss that thought further from there.]
I say: Oh, if I could take my attitude back in time... Whew; Joanna would have got it from me!
[Joanna is My First Love’s younger sister; I think she’s a year younger than me.]
Kali says: then you would’ve gotten it from me; family IS family no My Bestfriender how annoying then chose to be
I say: Joanna did some shit in my own house a number of times that was just abominable.
Kali says: well if that’s the case then let her have it
I say: Meh, I probably still wouldn't have said anything. Black girls in general scare me; and that's just the truth.
Kali says: im thinking it was in the street; and that’s kinda racist, honestly rican girls scare me a lil, too many relatives that would beat my ass if we broke up
I say: Joanna would kick my ass, and there is no point denying it; come to that. Oh yeah, rican girls are terrifying
Kali says: I can only fight for so long
I say: They have endless cousins!
Kali says: tell me about it.
I say: Black girls generally only have two or three other crazy black girls. Rican girls have three brothers, eight cousins and twenty friends. Me? I have two half brothers, a dad and a boyfriend. None of which will appear to save me.
Kali says: I just have jawayne, cliff, maybe joe... possibly tujuan.... my other cousins live outta state.
I say: TuJuan! Now there is a funny topic.
Kali says: (6:34:58 PM): why is he funny?
I say: Tell me why every-time he sees me he tries to fuck me. God damn it, I'm not interested!
Kali says: he figures your still easy
I say: Psh, I never was easy; just horny.
Kali says: he should go back to college... I gotta say it easy and horny mean the same thing.
I say: If I was so easy, then why didn't Chuck fuck me? He wanted to; and I was like "ugh, I just met you."
Kali says: yeah I said that shit; uh I didn’t fuck you either
I say: And what's funny is that Chuck looks so much better than almost every guy I fucked around that time!
I say: *sigh* Chuck would have been so much better than Ronnie.
Kali says: Yeah chuck's a good lookin’ man
I say: Wow, let's not talk about how dumb I was at 13, okay?
Kali says: whoa you were only 13 I thought you were 16 I wouldn’t even considered dating you
I say: I was after My First Love, I was thinking of before... When I was fucking Ronnie. The only reason I was labeled easy is because I talked about sex a lot and because I was fucking two different guys that everyone knew for an extended period of time. Of course, then there was the fact that I became infatuated with Adam for a while; but that wasn't me being "easy" either. I mean, I did have some sort of basis I was going on. This is a losing battle, isn't it? I guess all I'm trying to say is that I would have never slept with TuJuan, even back then... Damn it, I guess that's not entirely true either. Well, I never would now, in any case. psh!
[Just hypothetically speaking here; when I was fourteen if I had been single it wouldn’t have been that hard for TuJuan to sleep with me. I was so easily turned on, and so quickly lost control that it wouldn’t have taken rocket science to crack me; which is why I said it’s not really true that I never would have. However, considering that TuJuan is dating My First Love’s mother and has been for ages and ages, I would have never done it considering the fact that I was with My First Love. And yeah, sure as hell would never happen now.]
Kali says: no it isn’t and it wasn’t a good label to have no at 13
I say: You know I have had nightmares about cheating ever since the Adam thing -- it's been going on for years now.
Kali says: tell me about it seriously; maybe I can help you understand what it was about
I say: (6:42:49 PM): In my dream I'll become infatuated with some guy, and we'll be making out or fucking or something and then either my man will walk in the room or I'll suddenly remember in the dream that I'm taken and then I'll either stop right away or start crying while continuing. I've had at least a dozen that I can remember. They're each different. I have not had one in a month or so now though.
In the dreams I never actually remember I have a boyfriend. I'm never choosing to cheat - it's always an accident. I always feel so stupid when I suddenly remember I'm taken; I'll scream at myself "how could you forget?" In only one or two of them was I actually caught. Usually I remember and just feel mortified.
Kali says: Well that would come from the guilt from pleasure that you want, and everyone around you wasn’t making exactly feel "great" about yourself, now that you've changed your ways and people are nailing you to the cross about your past. Should I dig deeper?
I say: Well, yeah. I think it had a lot less to do with other people than one might think. Are you aware of the first incident, about three months into my relationship with My First Love? Perhaps it was two months - I don't know. It was definitely no later than three months. Ronnie came over some time after My First Love left; and it was a very cold winter day and my parents keep the heat very low. And we already had so much history and at the time I didn't realize how much more real and important what I had with My First Love was. So I was cuddling with Ronnie on the couch and I got really worked up. We got all the way to the point of penetration. Two strokes and I was so filled with guilt that I stopped, and began to cry and told Ronnie to fuck off. And he left, and then I spent the whole day hating myself and then confessed to My First Love sometime not long after.
The cheating dreams actually probably started after that incident, not after Adam. Technically, that's the only time I cheated. With Adam; My First Love and I were "separated" at the time. It never really was about what other people said about me; I felt terrible about myself without anything having been said. Anyway, I enjoy being analyzed, so go at it all you like
Kali says: Guilt is the minds way of punishing yourself because, you would be hurt if it were happening to you. and if this happened with My First Love whom you say was your first love, then some part of you wishes that you two were still together, even though that part may be minute, "even the tiniest snowball can turn into an avalanche" don’t steal that quote. What I mean is that either you know My First Love is the best thing that happened to you and your guilty that you let him get away. or im completely wrong
I say: While that's at least partly true I don't think that has too much to do with the dreams, since I also felt terrible about continuing to sleep with

Jeremy when I was already beginning to be involved with Tre. In fact, (don't ever repeat this) there was a day when My First Love came over for the purpose of having sex with me and I said; "I can't do this anymore. I'm in love with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex now."
Kali says: in your dream you said everything was an "accident" I think what you meant was mistake, and you never were "caught" some part of you felt bad that no one did ever catch you in the act, if you were then everything is out in the open, you take whatever karma gives you then you can move on
I say: I did confess. I couldn't hide it; that would feel like lying and lying is almost as bad as cheating.
Kali says: I didn’t say that you didn’t confess
I say: (7:05:37 PM): I didn't mean to contradict you; only to expand upon.
Kali says: I know that. im saying guilt made you confess you felt horrible that you got away with that
I say: Though, beyond mistake; in the dreams it really is an accident; in the dreams I really don't "know" that I have a boyfriend. I just suddenly remember in the mist of the act. I never thought about that aspect - I didn't want to get away with it. Getting away with it would make me feel even worse; aside from feeling like a liar.
Kali says: that’s the kicker. you wanted to be caught and you weren't therefore you ratted yourself out
I say: I think the fact that the dreams still happen means I'm still scared of doing it. I had so little control over myself back then; and that lack of control is scary.
Kali says: control is a false sense of security that you can determine what situations come your way.
I say: I just had to be horny all the time at such a young age, didn't I? Couldn't be a crazy horny freak at 18 like normal people. Nope, I just had to mellow out at the time most girls start going nuts. What a royal pain. You know how much I resent the fact that I'm not horny all the time anymore? Now that I finally have a freaky-horny b/f? What a total dush for luck.
Kali says: Lasharee pretty much did the same thing, and now that you are with someone thats shows he cares sex doesn’t mean as much to you. Basically he's like lets try this and your like been there done that, and you don’t tell him but you think, so and so did this better
I say: I mellowed out while I was with Tre. After meeting My Boyfriend I was a horny-freak again for like three months, then it wore back off. I have the same appetite as a "normal woman" now... While sex for most people is very emotional; for those who have issues it's physical. What I mean to say is; I had a physical problem before -- I was more horny then than anyone I've ever met; it would take a hold of me and control my actions.
Now, I get horny based on my emotions; like we're probably intended to. But, isn't karma a bitch? I have a man now who wants sex three times a day -- not that he'd cheat to go get it, but he'll certainly watch his porn. And not that I don't oblige often, but there is only so often one can have sex when they're not particularly in the mood before it gets really old. He thinks it's something he's doing wrong when I don't want sex at least once or twice a day.
Kali says: That’s the thing you gave your mood to someone who you loved and second love is never the same as the first, cuz now your like sooner or later bullshit is coming, and im not the same anymore but he hasn’t been through the im horny stage; and being a guy, if your not a pretty boy no one is throwing pussy his way not at thirteen.
I say: Trust me; I really was out of the ordinary when it came to my sex drive. I was fucking anything in my house shaped remotely like a penis at the age of nine. Phone-sex with strangers by 11. Lost my virginity to my second boyfriend (of 6months) at 12. And I did that knowing we were doing it just to do it; sadly.
Kali says: Lash lost hers at 13 to some kid she barely knew. She just wanted to know what it felt like. Then years of cheating and thinking she was in love.
I say: My recent conclusion is that I was incredibly lonely. I was so lonely that it transformed into horniness when puberty hit.
Kali says: and now I have something all used and emotionally abused
I say: Yeah, same here. My Boyfriend has baggage for days. *sigh* I don't even truly remember what it was like to be so horny. Perhaps it would have ended sooner if I had orgasmed during sex sooner. I didn't start cuming during sex until I was 16.
I say: And that is around the same time it started winding down.
Kali says: So it must be true for all women
I say: Perhaps it was because I could never release it? I would literally go to sleep horny and wake up horny. Some pedophile's dream. All women? I've talked to at least ten different women about this and every single one of them was shocked and amazed. I've talked to even more different guys about it and they say that even they didn't have it that bad.
Kali says: (7:24:08 PM): At 13 your horny and sex feels good but no boy can take you over the top, until you meet someone who gives you an orgasm and your like im not horny anymore.
I say: My First Love was 17 going on 18; but I think it had nothing to do with the male.
Kali says: Just how you felt at the time
I say: The only reason I came with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was because he would move me for me; laying still was the key. I can't cum and move at the same time.
Kali says: Or he just wasn’t hitting your spot?
I say: I was all into being on top and stuff with My First Love. I would get so close and then just stay that way.
Kali says: Lasharee didn’t know she ever came until I told her what she was doing and now I want it and she's like im tired and your outta luck and not to mention she’s on her period
I say: Well, as much as I'd love to debate this all night; it's time go -- dad, mom and I are about to pile in the car with snackage and pick up Gerry and My Bestfriend and head over to Asa's house
Kali says: So no holiday pussy for me.
I say: Well, I'm much more obliging than that.