Drunk Driving

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 5:11pm

I can barely think, much less do anything useful.
5:16pm... I got up at 3:39pm. I was up until seven o’clock in the morning last night. My Boyfriend and I had a wonderful Sunday... He’s even trying to resolve arguments permanently. This is a first. He’s never come around and then compromised with me and apologized and concluded that we need never have the same argument because we’ve now found an answer...
I’m genuinely impressed. I think might waste my day way on AIM or something... Or not; the internet is being silly...
Not quite as silly as my parents...
My father got picked up for drunk driving on Friday night. He spent Saturday there. Sunday he came back. I have no idea what the story is. All I know is that both my parents are miserable and bickering. I want to fix it. I was to talk them down. I want to comfort them both. And yet I feel completely incapable of even asking my mom what’s been going on; much less asking my dad.
Fuck my body hurts... It feels like... Worms. I feel like the pain is this house is so palpable that I’ve absorbed it into my body... I can’t even write about it anymore... I’m going to put on some music and digital paint...

6:44pm...
I say: (6:44:09 PM): I was going to leave my boyfriend last month because he was falling into the same trap. He's making an amazing turn around these past three weeks however, so I'm giving him another chance.
Random Guy Says: (7:24:26 PM): lucky him
I say: (7:24:50 PM): Yeah; he's beginning to really understand how lucky he is; and that can change a lot.
Random Guy Says: (7:25:04 PM): aye...'tis true
I say: (7:25:32 PM): I said outright to him last night: "This is going to sound really stuck up, but I'm a very unusual and unique girl. And I won't settle for being treated any less than what I deserve." In other words; I rock, so you have to rock or I'll leave. lol.
Random Guy Says: (7:26:14 PM): lol...*claps*...well played
I say: (7:27:09 PM): We've been together for two years and nine days now. When we met we were very different people from who we are now; so these past three or four months we've been establishing our roles in our relationship and in life all over again. I don't either of us realized how far apart we'd grown until we almost broke up on Thanksgiving.
Random Guy Says: (7:27:53 PM): aye...who'd he still think you are?
I say: (7:30:52 PM): Well... For one thing, he's got past issues with women; he forgets I'm not like his mom, or his clients, or his co-workers, or his boss, or his ex. I'm not like any other woman he's met, so he forgets I won't act like other women he knows. And on top of that, I've swung even farther from the norm over the past year
Random Guy Says: (7:33:03 PM): How so?
My answer:
I was different than other girls when he met me in the first place by virtue of being extremely open-minded, sexual and freaky and yet not that flirtatious, honest and willing to speak my mind, outspoken and spontaneous.
I’ve been looking for husband material for a long time. Back then my ideas of what a good husband would be were a bit broader than they are now. When him and I met I was only a month out of a two-year abusive relationship in which the guy was a Rastafarian Jamaican Marital Artist who was a bit out of his mind. I had nothing else of real interest to talk about for a long time other than him which gave My Boyfriend the notion that I wanted to get back with the guy; which was nuts because I left that guy, not the other way around.
After throwing a bunch of house parties, trying out an open-relationship with My Boyfriend and going on a month-long road-trip with my Dad I came to some realizations; First of all – drinking sucks. Second; parties are a lot of work and reap little to no benefit. Third; open-relationships only work if you’re not in love or if you both have past lovers and are truly okay with the person you love sleeping with someone else.
So, we decided to become loyal to each other. He quit smoking cigarettes for me. I quit drinking. I also became much more interested in my health; I quit eating sugar, breads, pastas, dairy and meat. (I now eat meat and dairy and whole-grain wheat in very small portions from time to time to balance my nutrient intake.) I lost thirty-pounds. I stopped hanging around all of my ‘old-friends.’
I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a home-body. I’m not interested in ever getting a full-time job. I want to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school my children. I want to nurse them until their milk-teeth grow in. I’m not interested in doing any drugs or being with someone who does. I’ve taken a new-found love of board-games and have started up Friday-night board games at my house.
I care about the environment and politics and the well-being of the world more than anyone else I’ve ever met and that’s only grown over the past year. I like to take care of my man; I love to give back-rubs, pedicures, baths... I like to ride on top; I like to give an orgasm more than I like to have one. I want to take care of my husband in each and every way. I like to be bothered constantly by my love. I like phone calls and public groping.
I’m much more interested in love than money and objects. I’m more interested in having one person to love than having a plethora of friends. I’m more interested in the well being of the planet than TV. My religious and spiritual views are so far removed from the norm that I don’t even talk about them. I want to move to Japan. And I suppose those are only the basic reasons why I’m different from all the other women I meet; or people in general for that My Bestfriender.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 8:54pm

I’m listening to terrible hold music while waiting to speak to an hp tech-support person. The recording told me my printer is out of warrantee, but hopefully it was mistaken because in the summertime I purchased an additional year warrantee. Serial number... Model number... Phone number... What’s the problem? Well, red ink prints out with streaks and blotches. Cleaning the printhead doesn’t solve the problem. Changing the ink, restarting my computer, unplugging the printer and so forth do not solve the problem.
She just asked me if I know someone named Cathy... And she’s telling me I have no renewed warranty. She’s telling me she’ll sell me a new printer for less than the normal price... I’m telling her I can’t afford that... Oh how this makes me angry. So they’re not going to send me a new one because they messed up their records. Dandy. I can still print black and white, but still; what a royal pain in the ass.
The thing cost $350 two and a half years ago; the two-year ran out, and I paid $40 or $50 for another year six months ago, and now they're telling me that I didn't. This thing has had one error after another; they’ve sent me a new one around five times now. I’ve never banged one up; never dropped one; never did anything out of the ordinary to them. They just keep breaking on me one way or another. The lady tells me (in her accent that I can barely understand) that I can upgrade to a new model that is “the same printer but better” than costs “two-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninty-nine cents on the market” but that I can get it for $150 or something along those lines. No, I can’t afford that. I want my free replacement. In fact, there is no way I’d buy another printer that is “the same but better” when I’ve had so much trouble with this one! Especially not when their tech-support sucks so much ass.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 10:50pm

Hey My Mentor ,
Happy New Year!
I never expect a prompt reply from you so don't worry about it -- you're a busy man with a lot of demands on you.
What's interesting is that I did make it into City Honors; but my mom knew that I was a lazy brat and she sort of told me that if I chose to go to City Honors that things would be a lot harder for me. I'm not sure what her intentions were but for my Freshmen year I went to Traditional High School. At the time I would have told you I was fine with how everything was working out, but now looking back on it I was an idiot not to go to City Honors.
What's interesting to me is that you've described Colin as an exact invert of me school-wise. I was the awkward, and annoying know-it-all who loved Algebra and did terribly in History. (I've realized recently one of the major things that made my peers dislike me so much is that I was very quick to get an adult involved. If another kid picked on me I told my parents or a teacher. I was always much more interested in what adults had to say than other kids and I think the other kids resented that.)
Another interesting point is that just last night I was watching an anime (Japanese cartoon) where a sixth-grader was his class president and was doing all sorts of things for his class and the episode included his acceptance speech. I turned to My Boyfriend and asked; "Did any school you ever went to have a class president that actually did anything," and he said yes. I found this to be incredible news because at no school I've ever been to have I ever voted for a class president, met a class president or seen a speech by one. Though this would point to there not being any at any of the schools I've ever been to, I find that unlikely since I've been to so many. Perhaps I was just very oblivious? Anyway, I think it's amazing that Colin is participating actively (and successfully) in class-government.
Australia... I couldn't even imagine it. I've been dreaming of going to Japan; but I've recently become ambitious enough about it to look up dollar to yen conversion as well prices in Japan. It would by no means be cheap to visit; but that hasn't made me stop wanting to go.
Currently my life plan (go ahead, laugh, yes, my "life plan" ... okay, now I'm laughing at myself...) is as follows: Finish writing my novel (which I wrote the first 50,000 words of in November for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) mostly for fun, but now I've become very passionate about the story and am coming close to the end of the book), second is to finish creating my board game (the game plays with 2-6 players and I expect it to take 1 to 6 hours depending on how it's played and will be similar to StarCraft -- though I didn't know that until I got Starcraft the board game for Christmas), and third to go to college probably in January of 2010. I'm hoping to have both the novel and board game published before then. If I didn't believe that were possible, or if I didn't think that they were both publish-worthy I would have given up by now. But I'm very certain that my first-draft of this book is better than about 25% of the fantasy novels on the shelves right now, and I'm also positive that likewise is true for my game. Perhaps that's cocky, but I feel it's true.
That's my public life right now; on a more personal note My Boyfriend and I have been together for two years now (December 20th 2006 was when we started going out) and while our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, it's currently on an up. My father recently spent a night in jail for drunk driving and he's said that he's going to quit drinking so I expect that he's going to be different in the months to come. My mother is stresses and aching as usual (sorry to say) and unfortunately I wasn't able to make Christmas very good for her. We had a very uncomfortable little Christmas this year. If you have a space in your well-wishes, both my parents are in serious need of emotional, physical and spiritual healing.
Speaking of which, when did you see my mom?
PS: Just to add a happier note to this, I realize this is sounding pretty depressing overall; for the first time in my life I've been blessed with a couple of good friends. I've met a girl and a guy who I think will be in my life for a very long time. They're both in college and they're very open-minded and interesting people. While I've called many people in my life before "friends" these are the first peers I've met who I can honestly say are worthy of being called friends. I never knew how much my world-view was based on the fact that every peer I met was another person just wasting away their life on either drugs, boredom or bad company. Meeting some people of my own generation who don't fall into those categories has really brightened my outlook.
Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 9:46am

I begin the last day of the year with an argument and a lot of tears. It’s my fault; it really is. I know he ought to forgive me. Then I’d feel alright again. He’s not forgiving me...
It’s freezing cold. I’m wearing three blankets and yet I really need to be wearing an entire outfit and three blankets right now. If I keep typing my fingers will go numb. It’s incredible the laptop can run when it’s so cold to the touch. I wonder if it’s okay for it to be this cold?
My eyes are red for some unknown reason. They’ve been that way since sometime early yesterday. I’m guessing it was the shampoo I got in my eyes; the only thing is; I’ve gotten shampoo in my eyes a bunch of times and never had my eyes turn so red. They were still like this when I went to sleep, and now when I wake. Of course, I’ve cried a bunch this morning and last night – but they’re not that watery-tear-filled-pink color. They’re deep red right along the bottom eyelid.
My eyes have also been hurting frequently. I think I need my glasses prescription changed. I can no longer read street signs with my glasses on and I find myself leaning in towards the computer to read which is a real bother. I hope I don’t end up having to wear glasses to see my monitor. That would just blow so much...
Another odd thing was that sometime last week I noticed one of my irises was more dilated than the other by quite a bit. This, of course, happens when one eye is being exposed to more light than the other. I closed my eyes and put my hands over them for about thirty-seconds expecting them to be back to normal – but they didn’t change. Then I tried staring into the light for around ten seconds and they still didn’t change. That freaked me out a bit.
...I hate being awake right now. I’m freezing cold. I’m tired. I have a long day ahead of me. I have to go to the post office. I’m going to Asa’s for New Years Eve – and now I’m almost certain to be tired for that. I guess it’s imperative that I catch a nap. But when shall I do that?
I could go to the post office now. I wonder how My Boyfriend would feel about that. (Strange that I still have that conflicting voice in my head screaming; hell with what My Boyfriend thinks!) And yet... I’m not sure if I ever really felt that way; it’s just something I kept telling myself in order to try and move away from my behavior patterns.
My eyes are sort of burning now... Pressing my freezing cold fingers to them feels like bliss... In a very unhappy sort of way. I feel so very empty in a very hurt and down sort of way.
I know on an intellectual level that as a human being I have worth. I know on an intellectual level that while I what I said was bad, it’s not worth all of this; at least it’s not worth this much with our history. On an emotional level I feel like my entire life is just meaningless. I know on an intellectual level that this is just because I feel lonely. It’s because I’m seeking the unattainable daddy-love; just like Erica Jong writes about in her Isadora Wing trilogy.
On an emotional level, it doesn’t help. Nothing my intellect can tell me is going to change how I feel. And that’s how My Boyfriend feels. He knows that he ought to forgive me (I think) and he knows that he’s done worse to me many times (I think) and he knows that many times when I probably shouldn’t have; I forgave him (I think.) It doesn’t help to know those things; the bottom line is that what I said was hurtful.
It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I didn’t mean it the way that he took it. It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I apologized; several times now. It doesn’t My Bestfriender if I crept out of bed completely naked in the cold to try and talk to him and touch him and to get him to come back to me. No, those things change nothing. The problem is that he’s right. Not completely right; not right on all counts; but right on the most important principle: It’s my attitude or rather, my mind-set, that counts.
I don’t like being out-witted, and I don’t like being wrong; but much, much, much worse than that is the fact that I am guilty as charged. My mind-set has been; “See if My Boyfriend can pull this off; if not, what next?” Yeah, that’s a very boiled-down, blunt way to put it. Of course it’s not the whole truth; but in a nutshell, that is how I’ve been thinking.
The only major problem with boiling down my mind-set to that level is that it completely removes how I feel from the picture. And while my intellectual self knows that I can and will move on if things don’t work out; my emotional self doesn’t feel that way.
The truth is that I’d be completely heart-broken without My Boyfriend; and I know it. Never mind the fact that I’ve already cracked over and over again throughout this relationship; nothing changes the fact that until it’s over, it’s never completely cracked.
And I hate to admit it, because it feels weak and unworthy, but these past few weeks have made me fall back in love again. Of course I’ve admitted this to My Boyfriend, but I still feel like it shouldn’t be enough. Perhaps that’s the intellect telling me it shouldn’t be enough? And yet emotionally it’s clearly enough.
His mind-set has clearly changed. Could it revert? Probably; but maybe it won’t. He clearly is madly in love with me. Could that change? Of course it could; taking it for granted would be foolish. He’s been trying very hard, even if he has made a few small slips. The real question is; has it been enough? And intellectually I want to question if it’s been enough; but it obviously has been enough. I’m still here, after all.
That’s the root of it: regardless of all other factors – if things were to continue this way, then why leave? I’m content with this. I’m quite in love with this man – who is already dressed. It’s only 10:10am.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 4:55pm

A guy says: (4:55:47 PM): Hey there...going well?
I say: Yeah, writing on my novel
A guy says: yeesh...you sound like a busy little beaver
[SPOILER]
I say: The last paragraph I just wrote: "When I had agreed to this bit of alien insanity I hadn’t really processed the thought of a live baby of my own flesh. I hadn’t imagined in my wildest dreams that I’d be on a ship with my Doldaus grandfather, my mostly Nakian cousin whom I’d always believed was my baby sister, a commander of the bastard prince’s troops, while a pale and handsome Iriefe pulled our baby out of it’s incubation chamber." I’m on page 117 currently.
[END SPOILER]
A guy says: Not bad...I wasn't figuring on sci-fi.
I say: The main plot revolves around our main character's nation falling apart. The sub plots include the main character discovering she's been lied to about her linage, several suitors, and traveling around the world I've invented. Of course there is your fair share of secret societies, renegades, people who aren't what they seem, and nasty characters who seem to enjoy torture, and a couple of your "bad guys" who turn out to simply be logical people who have no problem with killing to reach their lofty and altruistic goals.
A guy says: Impressive...*claps*
I say: I'm convinced it's book-shelf worthy, and I've already got a few fans. Anyone who has read any part of it says it's like reading any other published book or better; and it's only a first draft. I write in my blog every day and have since I was 11, so I think all my writing practice and my creativity are finally working in harmony together. And I've also been doing a lot more reading; which always helps.
A guy says: Aye...tis true. Doing well otherwise?
I say: Well, I have a fight with My Boyfriend this morning, but I think we worked it out already.
A guy says: That's good; plus fights can lead to make up sex which can be good.
I say: Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
A guy says: true enough...which is not to say that a bit of crazy sex every now and again can't be loads of fun; even if you do feel a little guilt afterwards
I say: I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
A guy says: Good for you...I can definitely get behind a desire to want good things in one's life
I say: Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
A guy says: Sounds like you've definitely made some changes for the good.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 5:54pm

Kali (Jeremy’s cousin) sends me an instant messenger. Him and I once “went out” for a week between my the end of my relationship with My First Love and the beginning of my relationship with Tre. Part of the reason we didn’t really go out was because (after all) he’s My First Love’s cousin, and another reason was that I was just rebounding onto the first thing that looked even remotely eligible, and there were another handful of reasons.
We’ve talked a few times since then, but not a whole heck of a lot. He’s read what I have so far of my novel and I’m considering him one of my “fans” at this point. After talking about that for a while we go onto more interesting and serious topics:
I say: (6:08:38 PM): Things could have been interesting if I had truly tried to make a real relationship with you instead of going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex for two years.
Kali says: It was just too wrong; I mean u just broke up with my cousin.
I say: Of course, going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was crucial to building the character that I am now. He made me a lot stronger by leagues and bounds mentally and physically. Rather, your cousin broke up with me. I was such a mess. Hard to believe I had my panties in such a twist over it looking back, but heck, first love is first love.
Kali says: Thats why it was wrong in my book; if My First Love got together with my first love he'd have to go; she would too.
I say: I can see that; though time heals all wounds. If it wasn't so soon it would be different -- for example (not suggesting, so don't get any ideas) -- if it were now I don't think it'd be "wrong" for that reason anymore.
Kali says: um im taken, I wouldn’t have the time to foster a relationship plus I cant be that selfish; not saying that I wouldn’t
I say: I was only saying that it being wrong was only relevant because it was so soon at that time. It's sort-a old news now no My Bestfriender what Janet thinks, heh. I'm taken too you know.
Kali says: I stopped caring what she thought a while ago
I say: Yeah, I never really cared what she thought in the first place... I love My Boyfriend, and I want it to work, but we have so much bad history that it's always putting doubt in my mind despite how much things have changed for the better. He's angry that he's been trying so hard and that I still have doubts, but that just makes me angry because I dealt with him doubting me for over a year; and he didn't even have a reason to doubt me!
Kali says: doubt is bullshit... that’s what I figured. I totally fucked up and lasharee stayed with me so thats true love: when you do that and he stays, doubt has no place in your relationship.
I say: Yeah, My Boyfriend fucked up seriously bad and I'm still here, so I feel like he has no right to get mad at me -- at least not for another four months or so.
Kali says: You plan on fukkin some other guy in four months?
I say: No, I just mean that he owes it to me to not be mad at me after all I've forgiven him for.
Kali says: I see. Well im gonna put this out there since we are somewhat on the topic, id like to hit that one day. If the opportunity comes up. Other than that try to stay faithful to your significant other.
I say: I'll say to you what I said to someone else today; in a different context, but it applies:
Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
Kali says: all that... damn that’s deep
I say: (6:23:41 PM): In other words; unless one day I fall in love with you, it wouldn't happen.
Kali says: You didn’t have to sum it up: im smart you know
I say: *bows* I can be deep from time to time. I realized that when you asked for what sort of editing I was looking for and mentioned prepositions and the end of sentences.
Kali says: yeah I do that my English prof kicked ass
I say: I bet it did.
Kali says: as much as I agree with how you feel I respect that
I say: You still want to "hit that" though? Everyone wants to hit this now that it's gotten so fine; lol!
Kali says: but I havent been hurt so badly that I need to fall in love with someone else to do that, I feel I need to do that so there's no need for it later when im married
I say: I want to hit my damn self; I had a dream about it.
Kali says: silly ass; besides im in college I have to experience other types of women besides my own skin color
I say: Ah. That's an interesting way to look at it. My Boyfriend won't date or sleep with black girls, lol.
Kali says: why not?
I say: And I turned Tre; he says he'll never date or sleep with another black girl again. He doesn't like the look or attitude
Kali says: that’s kinda racist don’t ya think: all women have attitude
[By the by, Kali, My First Love and My Boyfriend are all black; or mixed or African American or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it.]
I say: I wouldn't screw a rican guy. I don't believe I have much of an attitude. But then again, I'm an exception. Or date a rican guy.
Kali says: Put any women in a situation where she has to defend her integrity attitude will come out.
[This is true for any man too; it’s really a human thing. Just that men are more likely to get physical over it.]
I say: I probably would never do it or go out with an Asian guy either -- but give me an Asian girl any time
Kali says: I can see that rican and Asian guys cant hit all the walls
I say: I learned how to put an attitude on in those situations from Tre; before him, I wouldn't have defended myself. One of the main reasons I was walked all over as a kid is because I had no attitude, not even as a put on
Kali says: Lasharee is was and still is like that im trying to put a stop to it. only thing is she still takes shit from me.
I say: I see. That can be a difficult situation. My mom always says "if you don't put your foot down, they won't take you seriously."
Kali says: Not outrageous shit like fucking someone else, I mean like they way I talk to her; all men live to be told what to do, except for a few.
[That’s an interesting statement coming from a man; too bad we didn’t discuss that thought further from there.]
I say: Oh, if I could take my attitude back in time... Whew; Joanna would have got it from me!
[Joanna is My First Love’s younger sister; I think she’s a year younger than me.]
Kali says: then you would’ve gotten it from me; family IS family no My Bestfriender how annoying then chose to be
I say: Joanna did some shit in my own house a number of times that was just abominable.
Kali says: well if that’s the case then let her have it
I say: Meh, I probably still wouldn't have said anything. Black girls in general scare me; and that's just the truth.
Kali says: im thinking it was in the street; and that’s kinda racist, honestly rican girls scare me a lil, too many relatives that would beat my ass if we broke up
I say: Joanna would kick my ass, and there is no point denying it; come to that. Oh yeah, rican girls are terrifying
Kali says: I can only fight for so long
I say: They have endless cousins!
Kali says: tell me about it.
I say: Black girls generally only have two or three other crazy black girls. Rican girls have three brothers, eight cousins and twenty friends. Me? I have two half brothers, a dad and a boyfriend. None of which will appear to save me.
Kali says: I just have jawayne, cliff, maybe joe... possibly tujuan.... my other cousins live outta state.
I say: TuJuan! Now there is a funny topic.
Kali says: (6:34:58 PM): why is he funny?
I say: Tell me why every-time he sees me he tries to fuck me. God damn it, I'm not interested!
Kali says: he figures your still easy
I say: Psh, I never was easy; just horny.
Kali says: he should go back to college... I gotta say it easy and horny mean the same thing.
I say: If I was so easy, then why didn't Chuck fuck me? He wanted to; and I was like "ugh, I just met you."
Kali says: yeah I said that shit; uh I didn’t fuck you either
I say: And what's funny is that Chuck looks so much better than almost every guy I fucked around that time!
I say: *sigh* Chuck would have been so much better than Ronnie.
Kali says: Yeah chuck's a good lookin’ man
I say: Wow, let's not talk about how dumb I was at 13, okay?
Kali says: whoa you were only 13 I thought you were 16 I wouldn’t even considered dating you
I say: I was after My First Love, I was thinking of before... When I was fucking Ronnie. The only reason I was labeled easy is because I talked about sex a lot and because I was fucking two different guys that everyone knew for an extended period of time. Of course, then there was the fact that I became infatuated with Adam for a while; but that wasn't me being "easy" either. I mean, I did have some sort of basis I was going on. This is a losing battle, isn't it? I guess all I'm trying to say is that I would have never slept with TuJuan, even back then... Damn it, I guess that's not entirely true either. Well, I never would now, in any case. psh!
[Just hypothetically speaking here; when I was fourteen if I had been single it wouldn’t have been that hard for TuJuan to sleep with me. I was so easily turned on, and so quickly lost control that it wouldn’t have taken rocket science to crack me; which is why I said it’s not really true that I never would have. However, considering that TuJuan is dating My First Love’s mother and has been for ages and ages, I would have never done it considering the fact that I was with My First Love. And yeah, sure as hell would never happen now.]
Kali says: no it isn’t and it wasn’t a good label to have no at 13
I say: You know I have had nightmares about cheating ever since the Adam thing -- it's been going on for years now.
Kali says: tell me about it seriously; maybe I can help you understand what it was about
I say: (6:42:49 PM): In my dream I'll become infatuated with some guy, and we'll be making out or fucking or something and then either my man will walk in the room or I'll suddenly remember in the dream that I'm taken and then I'll either stop right away or start crying while continuing. I've had at least a dozen that I can remember. They're each different. I have not had one in a month or so now though.
In the dreams I never actually remember I have a boyfriend. I'm never choosing to cheat - it's always an accident. I always feel so stupid when I suddenly remember I'm taken; I'll scream at myself "how could you forget?" In only one or two of them was I actually caught. Usually I remember and just feel mortified.
Kali says: Well that would come from the guilt from pleasure that you want, and everyone around you wasn’t making exactly feel "great" about yourself, now that you've changed your ways and people are nailing you to the cross about your past. Should I dig deeper?
I say: Well, yeah. I think it had a lot less to do with other people than one might think. Are you aware of the first incident, about three months into my relationship with My First Love? Perhaps it was two months - I don't know. It was definitely no later than three months. Ronnie came over some time after My First Love left; and it was a very cold winter day and my parents keep the heat very low. And we already had so much history and at the time I didn't realize how much more real and important what I had with My First Love was. So I was cuddling with Ronnie on the couch and I got really worked up. We got all the way to the point of penetration. Two strokes and I was so filled with guilt that I stopped, and began to cry and told Ronnie to fuck off. And he left, and then I spent the whole day hating myself and then confessed to My First Love sometime not long after.
The cheating dreams actually probably started after that incident, not after Adam. Technically, that's the only time I cheated. With Adam; My First Love and I were "separated" at the time. It never really was about what other people said about me; I felt terrible about myself without anything having been said. Anyway, I enjoy being analyzed, so go at it all you like
Kali says: Guilt is the minds way of punishing yourself because, you would be hurt if it were happening to you. and if this happened with My First Love whom you say was your first love, then some part of you wishes that you two were still together, even though that part may be minute, "even the tiniest snowball can turn into an avalanche" don’t steal that quote. What I mean is that either you know My First Love is the best thing that happened to you and your guilty that you let him get away. or im completely wrong
I say: While that's at least partly true I don't think that has too much to do with the dreams, since I also felt terrible about continuing to sleep with

Jeremy when I was already beginning to be involved with Tre. In fact, (don't ever repeat this) there was a day when My First Love came over for the purpose of having sex with me and I said; "I can't do this anymore. I'm in love with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex now."
Kali says: in your dream you said everything was an "accident" I think what you meant was mistake, and you never were "caught" some part of you felt bad that no one did ever catch you in the act, if you were then everything is out in the open, you take whatever karma gives you then you can move on
I say: I did confess. I couldn't hide it; that would feel like lying and lying is almost as bad as cheating.
Kali says: I didn’t say that you didn’t confess
I say: (7:05:37 PM): I didn't mean to contradict you; only to expand upon.
Kali says: I know that. im saying guilt made you confess you felt horrible that you got away with that
I say: Though, beyond mistake; in the dreams it really is an accident; in the dreams I really don't "know" that I have a boyfriend. I just suddenly remember in the mist of the act. I never thought about that aspect - I didn't want to get away with it. Getting away with it would make me feel even worse; aside from feeling like a liar.
Kali says: that’s the kicker. you wanted to be caught and you weren't therefore you ratted yourself out
I say: I think the fact that the dreams still happen means I'm still scared of doing it. I had so little control over myself back then; and that lack of control is scary.
Kali says: control is a false sense of security that you can determine what situations come your way.
I say: I just had to be horny all the time at such a young age, didn't I? Couldn't be a crazy horny freak at 18 like normal people. Nope, I just had to mellow out at the time most girls start going nuts. What a royal pain. You know how much I resent the fact that I'm not horny all the time anymore? Now that I finally have a freaky-horny b/f? What a total dush for luck.
Kali says: Lasharee pretty much did the same thing, and now that you are with someone thats shows he cares sex doesn’t mean as much to you. Basically he's like lets try this and your like been there done that, and you don’t tell him but you think, so and so did this better
I say: I mellowed out while I was with Tre. After meeting My Boyfriend I was a horny-freak again for like three months, then it wore back off. I have the same appetite as a "normal woman" now... While sex for most people is very emotional; for those who have issues it's physical. What I mean to say is; I had a physical problem before -- I was more horny then than anyone I've ever met; it would take a hold of me and control my actions.
Now, I get horny based on my emotions; like we're probably intended to. But, isn't karma a bitch? I have a man now who wants sex three times a day -- not that he'd cheat to go get it, but he'll certainly watch his porn. And not that I don't oblige often, but there is only so often one can have sex when they're not particularly in the mood before it gets really old. He thinks it's something he's doing wrong when I don't want sex at least once or twice a day.
Kali says: That’s the thing you gave your mood to someone who you loved and second love is never the same as the first, cuz now your like sooner or later bullshit is coming, and im not the same anymore but he hasn’t been through the im horny stage; and being a guy, if your not a pretty boy no one is throwing pussy his way not at thirteen.
I say: Trust me; I really was out of the ordinary when it came to my sex drive. I was fucking anything in my house shaped remotely like a penis at the age of nine. Phone-sex with strangers by 11. Lost my virginity to my second boyfriend (of 6months) at 12. And I did that knowing we were doing it just to do it; sadly.
Kali says: Lash lost hers at 13 to some kid she barely knew. She just wanted to know what it felt like. Then years of cheating and thinking she was in love.
I say: My recent conclusion is that I was incredibly lonely. I was so lonely that it transformed into horniness when puberty hit.
Kali says: and now I have something all used and emotionally abused
I say: Yeah, same here. My Boyfriend has baggage for days. *sigh* I don't even truly remember what it was like to be so horny. Perhaps it would have ended sooner if I had orgasmed during sex sooner. I didn't start cuming during sex until I was 16.
I say: And that is around the same time it started winding down.
Kali says: So it must be true for all women
I say: Perhaps it was because I could never release it? I would literally go to sleep horny and wake up horny. Some pedophile's dream. All women? I've talked to at least ten different women about this and every single one of them was shocked and amazed. I've talked to even more different guys about it and they say that even they didn't have it that bad.
Kali says: (7:24:08 PM): At 13 your horny and sex feels good but no boy can take you over the top, until you meet someone who gives you an orgasm and your like im not horny anymore.
I say: My First Love was 17 going on 18; but I think it had nothing to do with the male.
Kali says: Just how you felt at the time
I say: The only reason I came with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was because he would move me for me; laying still was the key. I can't cum and move at the same time.
Kali says: Or he just wasn’t hitting your spot?
I say: I was all into being on top and stuff with My First Love. I would get so close and then just stay that way.
Kali says: Lasharee didn’t know she ever came until I told her what she was doing and now I want it and she's like im tired and your outta luck and not to mention she’s on her period
I say: Well, as much as I'd love to debate this all night; it's time go -- dad, mom and I are about to pile in the car with snackage and pick up Gerry and My Bestfriend and head over to Asa's house
Kali says: So no holiday pussy for me.
I say: Well, I'm much more obliging than that.

Christmas Entry

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 3:29pm

This morning, as I requested last night, My Boyfriend woke me up to sex. Why did I request this? First off, I knew it’d be a good way to start the day. Second, I believed correctly that having planned on it; I’d dream of sex. And I did. (I dreamed My Boyfriend was fucking me in the ass and that it felt amazing... Odd dream, but very arousing.)
So we had sex. It was good sex. It was a perfect Christmas morning; all up until moments after it was over; he tells me he’s going to head over to his mom’s house. Do I have a problem with him going to his mother’s house? Of course not!
That’s not the point. Of course, My Boyfriend will never see that. The point is, that he never keeps his plans. Yesterday he went over there; he took the car. He was going to deliver his cards (and mine) to them and receive any presents they might have and then come back home. He was gone for just over three hours; but never did the exchange because only his father was home.
Since he went yesterday I asked if that meant he’d be taking off Saturday to visit his parents and also to have dinner at Robert’s and Patty’s house. He said last night that he was planning on it, though he wasn’t sure if it was a plan that would stick. It never occurred to me he might actually leave on Christmas day. It didn’t even really enter my mind. So for him to up and tell me this before I’ve even cleaned his cum off of me; first thing on Christmas morning... I was pissed; but I didn’t act pissed at all.
I refuse to spoil the holiday over it of course. We head downstairs, and my mother talks for a little bit about her past, and how her grandmother was once paid for an entire day’s work with an orange, which she took home and split with her family. This was considered reasonable back then. Hence; the oranges in the toe of a stocking. They really used to be that big of a treat.
Incidently, we didn’t put oranges in the toes of the stockings because of tradition but because we’re actually being cheap this year, but then. In the past, the total present cost under the tree has been often if not usually over one thousand dollars. If you think about it – three barbies, two shirts, gel pens and such for me as a kid; and for dad a couple of sweaters, a mug, a pack of socks... The list would go on and on back in those days. I’d probably also have sticky pads, socks, chocolate, doll accessories and probably other things I can’t think of... Hair pins, and other hair items...
Now, I suppose we only just broke a few hundreds. I mostly used things I already had: I had a surplus of photo paper and printer ink, and I also had blank DVDs and CD cases. So I burned CDs and I made photo albums. I paid $33 for something like eight photo albums and... What else did I get at the same time? I’ve forgotten.
And aside from that, I spent like another $30 at wegmans on gifts. That’s really the total I spent. I have not spent that little since I was around... Ten, perhaps nine even. Of course, if we count what the photo paper, ink and CDs did cost once upon a time, it’d probably come out to a total of around $130 for everything; but still. I did well, and I’m pleased with myself.
In mom’s stocking there were: (is that the correct use of the subjunctive? “Were” instead of “was”?) two hand-made straw pan scrubbers (that I bought at the Eerie county fair for her), a toothbrush, a dental pick and mirror, a shot-glass that has measurements written on it (my mom has a shot-glass collection which is funny because she doesn’t drink in the slightest), a dining room glass (the other three came in a present – on sale at wegmans – a great buy), fluffy pink socks tied with a cute pink ribbon, an orange, and a very darling little book that is written just from child to mom. It’s a very beautiful book, and I agreed with it’s sentiment.
In my father’s stocking there were: several different types of nuts, several different types of chocolate, a toothbrush and an orange.
In My Boyfriend’s stocking there were: two three-inch-tall gargoyles, two creative multi-colored pencils, one putty eraser, two cargo pants pockets (cut off an old pair of cargo pants – he loves the pockets to them and carries a cut-off on in his bag for his art supplies).
In my stocking there were: nifty black and white paper clips in two sizes as well as in funky shapes (spirals and triangles), several pink sharpies, pink pens, pink pencils, mini-pink stapler, pink white-out thingy, a pink-mini-sticky-pad, a lime-green white-out, some pink-ribbon paper thingys, some nuts and an orange.
Presents from my mom to My Boyfriend: a white and green towel, a pocket knife, (and one week ago): a custom made tattoo machine.
Presents from mom to Dad: a matching vest, jacket and pants; many more nuts and snacks, and two books – I think both were political... One was by Barak Obama and the other was about the economy.
Presents from me to mom: four dining room glasses, a photo album including landscape pictures, some of My Boyfriend’s art, some of my art, some photos of the family and some photos of myself, and some very pretty red and gold ornaments (which were on sale at wegmans).
Presents from My Boyfriend to me: (we went shopping on Sunday and he bought me): two hoddies on sale ($6 each – amazing deal – I’m wearing the pink one now), one lovely short dress with a zipper front ($22 – which I’m also wearing now – My Boyfriend and I had sex in it just before he left actually), one pair of spandex pants (which I’m also wearing), and a pair of knee-high socks. And, upon my instruction... My Boyfriend also bought me Settlers of Catan and it’s expansion (board game) from the card shop which has had the game for ages and ages, so we’re doing it a favor and ourselves a favor at the same time.
[This is truly embarrassing but My Boyfriend wrapped the game and it’s expansion in a rather ugly wrapping paper, used double-stick tape on the outside of the package, didn’t use ribbon, didn’t fold the rough edges of the package in, and stuck on any-old bows... I wouldn’t mind perhaps if he’d gotten the gifts of his own volition. I might not mind if he’d used a prettier paper or wrapped it at least creatively... I might not have minded if I hadn’t specifically taught him how to wrap gifts last year, or if we hadn’t already had two x-mases together... However, considering all of that... And considering that he wrote to me and from him in large scrawled letters in red over the wrapping paper all over the top of the box... Yeah. It was almost painful to open. If you can’t wrap; use a gift bag.]
Presents from mom to me: one pair of black-thigh-high socks (which are to die for!), one pair of ankle warmers (which also fit my upper-arms to my delight), one large pink stapler, one custom pink stamp which says my name, my company name and my address (and prints in pink), one pink folder holder filled with tons of folders, five pink dots and one pink stripe to stick on a wall, one cute-gift-box filled with pink and black office odds and ends including a pink-capped white out and thumb tacks, one pink fluffy zipper-sweater, one used set of silverware (and it’s a very good set too – I like it a lot, and it came in a nice wooden box) and... Was there anything else? I can’t think of it.
One interesting note I’d like to add is that every bit of tissue paper, wrapping paper, ribbon, bows and bags that I used was reused from last year, some of which was reused even more than once at this point. I didn’t use a single scrap of new stuff on my wrapping except the tape. This year no one made fun of me or tried to stop me from saving all the paper, ribbons, and bows.
For breakfast my mom made eggs with potatoes and meat fried in them as well as sausages on the side, a bowl of sliced peppers and a bowl of fancy crackers. I ate half the bowl of peppers, one bite of the eggs and one of the tiny sausages. (I never eat sausages, so this was just a x-mas exception.)
So, yes, there was morning sex, My Boyfriend telling me he was leaving, then stockings amongst picture-taking by my mom and I, then breakfast, then a game of Race for the Galaxy (which Dad didn’t quite remember how to play), and which My Boyfriend won. After that everyone disappeared from the table in a great flurry. My Dad upstairs, mom to the kitchen, My Boyfriend up to the attic. My Boyfriend spent every moment that he was not eating, playing the game or opening a gift looking at his phone, texting and reading texts.
After getting everyone back together we opened presents. My Boyfriend moped. Dad disappeared into his book as soon as he’s opened it. Mom fussed about how her wrapping job wasn’t that good and about how there were not many gifts this year. I attempted to be festive and bobbed along with the Christmas music which I can barely stand just to try to get everyone in the spirit. I carefully folded the tissue papers, the wrapping papers, coiled the ribbons and put them carefully into gift bags for storage. I covered My Boyfriend in kisses, took a few dozen pictures, unwrapped my gifts; pretended to be mildly surprised by My Boyfriend’s presents... I made no remarks about Dad not buying or making anything for anyone...
In a way, I feel like Dad was the one in the spirit with me this year. I think Mom was really embarrassed about her quick-present wrapping jobs and about her second-hand gifts even though no one minded at all. Her gifts were still prettier than mine; and who cares anyway? It’s not a contest, as long as they look pretty, they look pretty!
And who cares if I detest holiday music? I sing along just because I no the words, but no one hummed or sang with me when ever I tried to get into it. I’m not really upset about any of this. Well, that would be a lie. Okay, I’m upset. No, I’m not upset, I’m disappointed.
I’m not unhappy with the gifts; mine nor anyone else’s. I’m not disappointed with the appearance of the living room; the village is lovely; and better than a Christmas tree in my opinion. I’m not disappointed with the timing of the breakfast. I’m disappointed with the overall attitude.
Corvier maintains the Christmas is about gifts; which is bitter, short-sighted and rude. Dad maintains that buying gifts is a waste of money and time; which is bitter and short-sighted and almost rude. Mom maintains that expensive gifts and perfect wrapping is appropriate conversation and what we should all be paying attention to which is annoying and depressing.
I maintain that Christmas is about showing your family that you care and being cheerful for once. Why can’t everyone be cheerful? Why can’t everyone just enjoy the fact that someone is showing their love in the only way they know how? I’m perfectly calm on the outside. I’ve been smiling all morning. Prancing around and being pretty and cute and loveable. Oh, but it was so hard to put on. And I put it on for them! And I guarantee it was only half appreciated, and by half I mean that mom three-quarters appreciated it and My Boyfriend and Dad split the other quarter.
When you do something for those you love you should receive bundles of appreciation, smiles, laughs and joy, right? Well, it used to be that way when I was little. I believe it should be that way. I want my family to be a family and it just won’t be and I can’t stand that. My Boyfriend put on a clear show of how he can be worse than my father when he doesn’t feel like putting on his “girl-friend mask.”
I’m very disappointed; and now that I’ve cried about it I’m going to move on with the rest of the day.
After presents were opened My Boyfriend went right upstairs, and so did Dad (by the opposite stairwell). Mom went to the kitchen to put on dinner. I folded up wrapping papers. My mom came out and talked to me for a bit about how things where when she was a child and about her siblings. Out of all my aunts and uncles (there were originally 12 of them, six on each side, though I’m not sure how many are still alive) I only really know three of them at all. Uncle Eugene on my Dad’s side, and on my mom’s side Aunt Martha and Uncle Boyce.
She told me:
After my grandfather died when I was around six years old (my dad’s father was dead before I was born), my mother’s siblings all sort of split-up. The guys split from the girls. (Four guys to three girls.) The guys wanted to sell the house and so they did. The father left Aunt Martha $20,000 dollars, just for her, and one of the boys was the executive of the will so he had to sign for her to get it. They tried to make her split it, but she reasonably refused. I would too if I had siblings like that. Aunt Susan ended up taking the “boy’s side” and left Aunt Martha and my mom alone out of the seven of them. Uncle Boyce and Aunt Martha hate each other; they call each other liars and thieves. I don’t know what to think about their opinions of each other really.
So that explains on their side why noone cares about my mom’s family, if even about her. On my Dad’s side I think it’s mostly just because my Dad is the youngest. Uncle Eugene, incidently is the oldest, and he lives in Buffalo and my Dad plays chess with him once a week before he goes out clubbing. (Yes, my Dad goes clubbing. It’s embarrassing, I know.)
After my mother and I talked about that for a bit, I carried my things upstairs. I ran into My Boyfriend on the stairs. He wasn’t coming downstairs to look for me, but rather he was coming down to ask my mom about the car situation. Trust me, I was irked. I took some pictures of my gifts and then I began this entry and here I am.
My Dad is probably picking up Eugene right now, if he hasn’t already brought him here. My Aunt (not my aunt by blood) and Gerry (who are now living together in a new house) are coming over for dinner. My Boyfriend doesn’t know if he’s going to be back for dinner or not. He took his bike, and I doubt he’ll be back for before ten o’clock and I’ve resigned myself to that.
Mom had just called me and informed me that I’m going to pick up Mary and Gerry. Dad and Eugene are downstairs playing chess and Mom will be working on dinner up until we have dinner. So she expects me to go pick them up in forty-five minutes. I’m mildly annoyed by this. Only because no one told me sooner, and I hate having things sprung on me. I had no idea Eugene, Mary and Gerry were coming yesterday, and I had no idea My Boyfriend wouldn’t be here for dinner.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles though, isn’t it?






















Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 10:13pm

(Corvier isn’t home yet. Dad left to take Uncle Eugene and Gerry home about half an hour ago. My mom is watching TV in the living room now.)
I’ve finally figured out the crux of the issue. It’s long-term vs. short-term. Being with My Boyfriend tomorrow sounds better than not being with My Boyfriend tomorrow. However, at this point in the day, I almost don’t want My Boyfriend to come home yet. It’s quiet and peaceful and I prefer that. That, right there, goes to show that our relationship isn’t healed as much as I had previously thought.
A few days ago I thought to myself “this could actually end up going somewhere; I can see us together for another six months or a year, and by then, who knows.” But today and yesterday have fully erased any thoughts of things making it that long. So why then, procrastinate?
Why not break-up with him tomorrow?
It’s a very hard question to answer. I know that I won’t do it tomorrow. But why not? If I know I’m going to do it sooner or later, what’s wrong with tomorrow? I can think of a zillion stupid reasons; petty reasons... But the deeper truth lies in hopes.
I hope that My Boyfriend becomes a better person, with or without me. But I don’t believe he’ll become a better person without me; and that’s very disappointing. No My Bestfriender how many things he’s done that anger me, I don’t hate him. I really like him, I really care about him... I do want him to do well in life. I have no ill-will towards him.
Yet, if we broke up tomorrow, he’d turn cold. He’d probably stop being very productive; he probably would start drinking again. I doubt he’d ever trust another woman again; and if so; then she’d be some incredible woman – who he’ll probably never find. I find that sad as well. He does deserve to be loved, doesn’t he?
But even so, none of those are reasons to sacrifice my own happiness. Yet, it’ll make me unhappy to leave him... For a time.
You see where this short-term and long-term come into play? Short-term, we’d both be miserable if I left him. Long-term I’d recover, but would he? Short-term, if I stayed, I’d continue with happy-highs and sad-lows. Long-term, if I stayed, who knows? Now I have just revealed why I’m still in the relationship. Did you catch that?
See, short-term I know I’ll be sad after leaving him. And short-term I know I’ll have some fun times if I stay. So short-term it’s easier to stay. Long-term without him I know I’ll recover and life will move on and things will change and a whole new set of obstacles will surely surface. If I stay, at the slow rate he’s been working at, he will improve. Unless, of course he reverts back completely which is a fear of mine. But in the long-term I do believe he could make a decent husband, but then again, it’s too big a chance that he might not. So, the long term is in question either way, leading me to just think about the short term.
Anyway, just for the sake of fairness, My Boyfriend would argue that he was so busy on his phone and left for the entire day because he wanted to see his parents who he doesn’t get to see all the time, though I always see mine. Of course, this is a complete bull-shit answer when you play everything out. Not because it’s bull shit that he wants to see his parents. I do believe he does. He does miss his parents; but it’s not his parents he’s texting on the phone. And beyond that, I guarantee that he’s not been with his parents for the last seven and a half hours. More likely he was there for two or three hours and has spent the rest of the day with Frankie, El, Connie and who-ever else.
Now that pisses me off. And he’s not answering his phone anymore, which is another big sign. And of all the audacity; you know what he said to me when I asked about when he was coming home?
He says; “It depends on if I’m having a good time. If I am, I’m not gonna be tryin’ to leave.”
What an ass-hole answer! You make plans, you keep your plans. You make commitments, you stick to them. You tell the truth to those you love, and you tell them how you truly feel about them, and you tell them your honest opinions about what’s going to happen, and you stick to your goddamned words! That’s just what you do. If you’re not doing that, then you’re hurting yourself as well everyone else.
I feel the inclination to call My Boyfriend repeatedly right now just so I can say “it’s impossible that you never once looked at it and then ignored it” but what’s the point? That’s a waste of my time, and purposely creating an argument for no reason.
Another thing that’s bothering me is that I offered him a ride to his mom’s house. He declined and said he’d take his bike. I was skeptical because of the cold. This was right before he left – but he got a ride somehow because he left his bike here, which means the ride must have been prearranged which means he lied to me about the bike. At least, I think he did; he might not have intentionally lied, but either way, he didn’t keep me updated. He didn’t tell me the truth, even if he didn’t purposely lie.

Friday, December, 26th 2008 at 1:59pm

I had a very interesting IM conversation last night, which is what distracted me from finishing my entry. I would edit it and post it, but I’d really rather get some words on my novel before Will shows up.
So, concerning where I left off last night; My Boyfriend got home at 1:30am. We curled up, talked, kisses and then slept. I enjoyed the rest of my night after he arrived; which brings me right back into the pit fall I don’t know how to avoid. Once we were all curled up and talking and laughing and smiling and kissing; how could I think of leaving?
Tre did something almost every day that was driving me insane; but with just a little prodding My Boyfriend has cleaned all of his stuff; he’s brought me tea this morning and made me feel loved. This is selfish thing for me to ask; but what if I can’t find another guy who’d do even that much?
Well, I guess I have the answer to that; I could find one. I just don’t think it’s fair to ditch a guy I love who is in love with me just because I think I could find a guy who’d give me more attention and who wouldn’t have anger issues and friends I didn’t like.
Then again, his overall actions yesterday were deplorable.
I just don’t want to leave him and regret it. That’s the bottom line. I feel like I’m going to regret it, so I keep it in the back of my mind; but I don’t do it.
I remember how My Crazy “Ninja” Ex reacted... It was heartbreaking, but in that scenario I was completely over it. I didn’t want what he was offering anymore at all. There really wasn’t more than one or two small reasons to stay; and a long list of huge reasons to leave. That was easy by comparison...
To list the pros and cons may help me; but at the moment I don’t really feel up to it.








Saturday, December, 27th 2008 at 7:53pm

Oh fuck, I have not been writing on my novel at all this past week. Honestly, all-around, I think Christmas this year was more of a heart-ache and a disruption than it was productive, fun and enjoyable.
Aside from the presents the only benefit at all was the living room being cleaner. I think (in terms of everyone I know) that it was more stressful than it was fun. I find that fact alone more depressing than any one particular event.
Perhaps I just try too hard: I try hard to make everyone realize their health is important and how to improve it. I try too hard to make everyone play board games and to understand and/or enjoy it. I try too hard to make an event cheerful even when I feel down. I try to make my relationship the best it can be. I try to do these things. I make a conscious and purposeful effort to do these things...
Corvier just came over to me; kissed me; apologized and told me that he’d “try to know more of his plans ahead of time.” This pleases me a lot.

Christmas Night:
I say: (11:04:54 PM): How are you doing? Merry Christmas!
Miruna says: (11:05:18 PM): I am doing well. But it is not Christmas anymore.
[Miruna lives in Japan.]
I say: (11:05:33 PM): Well, still is for another hour for me. I just had the most awkward, uncomfortable and not-particularly-fun or festive x-mas ever.
Miruna says: (11:05:48 PM): Ah. What kind of cake did you have? Oh. What happened?
I say: (11:06:24 PM): My Boyfriend took off early on in the day and didn't even eat dinner with me. My Uncle and Gerry came over -- they're both very old, and so are my parents... My uncle is so old he can barely do anything at all for himself. Gerry is a crazy old bat who gossips to no end and thinks she's a goddess and have out-there beliefs even by my standards. We all sat around and tried to play board games after eating dinner for many hours. It was painful most of the time. I can't say there was a single truly joyful moment in the entire day... It's really stark compared to how it was when i was a kid and we all went to my aunt's house. That was always so much fun. I never had an awkward x-mas at her house. It was always fun, always beautiful, always festive...
I say: (11:06:32 PM): Cake? We don't really do cake at our house.
Miruna says: (11:06:40 PM): Why not?
I say: (11:07:20 PM): Well, for one thing, we don't eat sugar much around here. My mom is diabetic pretty much. I don't even look forward to the holiday anymore now that we don't go over to my Aunt's anymore... We did every year for ten years, maybe twelve, I'm unsure. But it stopped when I was 15. Something about my aunt's declining health and not wanting to go through all the trouble. I'd thought I'd be bringing my babies there when I got into my twenties and was married, but I guess not. My cousin wasn't that much older than me; she could still have had us, but I guess she wasn't interested. What do you do for Christmas?
Miruna says: (11:08:35 PM): Trade gifts and eat cake like everyone else.
I say: (11:09:54 PM): Do you put up a tree? Do you open stockings? Do you eat breakfast, lunch and dinner as a family? The tradition on my mom's side, (how it's been for me) is that everyone gets a stocking with anonymous presents from everyone in the house, which we open before breakfast, and then we all eat breakfast together. Then sometime between breakfast and dinner we exchange presents, then we eat dinner together. Often a game is played in between.
Miruna says: (11:10:07 PM): Stockings?
I say: (11:10:54 PM): There always was a tree as a kid, and always was one at Aunt's Martha's too. But this year we didn't really find the time or money for it. You know, the holiday stockings -- not real stockings of course! Those things you hang up over the fire place. My Aunt Actually had a real fireplace to hang them over, we just hang them on the mantle.
Miruna says: (11:11:39 PM): You mean ornaments?
I say: (11:13:29 PM): No... Hm, guess you guys don't do it in Japan. It's a western thing I suppose. It's always "white" people in drawings with stockings I suppose. And also, I don't know anyone who eats cake specifically on Christmas, so that must be something that Asians do. I find that interesting, indeed. (You're not insulted by being called Asian are you? It's so hard to know that sort of thing...) Stockings... Well, they're like shaped like a foot, but they're the size of a boot, and they lay flat when nothing is in them... And hey, wait, I'll just show you the pictures.
Miruna says: (11:14:19 PM): I prefer to be called Japanese. Since I am. And also, China does not celebrate Christmas. Some Koreans do, though.
I say: (11:14:41 PM): Really?!?! Wow. Do Chinese people celebrate the Solstice? I think "we Americans" are very ignorant about the rest of the world in general.
Miruna says: (11:16:22 PM): The Chinese generally celebrate the Boxer Rebellion, in which the Chinese drove out foreign corporate interests, and the later Cultural Revolution, in which the Communist party gained power.
I say: (11:16:23 PM): Generally I revert to saying Asian because I don't want to insult someone who may be Korean, or Chinese or Japanese or Oknowan (which I've probably butchered the spelling of) and so forth. There is only like one "Asian" person in 100 people in Buffalo. I've never even heard of the Boxer Rebellion. When did that take place?
Miruna says: (11:17:40 PM): I think it was during the late 1800s, though I do not remember well. We do not study Chinese history much here.
I say: (11:18:01 PM): We don't study much of any history that isn't western here, and I don't even know much of that.
Miruna says: (11:18:02 PM): I am sure Wikipedia has something to say on it.
I say: (11:18:20 PM): It would be amazing to go to Japan.
Miruna says: (11:18:31 PM): It would depend on where you go.
I say: (11:18:34 PM): I can't imagine Japanese people surrounding me. And the language is so amazing... The kanji symbols are beautiful -- I started learning some of them for the fun of it. I can write "ko" and "ka" and "ki" and so forth.
Miruna says: (11:19:21 PM): Well, you should try, if you wanted to take a trip. Many Japanese people . . . tend to cluster when they see a foreigner. Which meanings?
I say: (11:20:08 PM): I've noticed that "Asians" tend to take a lot of random pictures of people - I've been photographed with tons of Asians I didn't know... Is that common? I don't have any idea what they mean, only which sound matches which symbol. Though I did know what coco meant.. I forgot.
Miruna says: (11:20:49 PM): That is not how kanji works. You may be thinking of kana, though.
I say: (11:21:07 PM): Oh, oh, duh, why did I call it kanji?? I meant hirigana. I just heard the word kanji today and I got confused.
Miruna says: (11:21:47 PM): Ah. I greatly prefer hiragana, myself. Though, it poses some problems.
I say: (11:22:06 PM): I've learned that all foreign words are written in completely different symbols. Which I find to be insane.
Miruna says: (11:22:22 PM): And as to photos, we just take pictures. Maybe Americans aren't as interested in pictures? Oh, you mean katakana?
I say: (11:22:32 PM): Yeah.
Miruna says: (11:22:44 PM): Katakana is like italics for Japanese readers.
I say: (11:22:58 PM): Americans take tons of pictures – but they don't walk up to someone and ask to take a picture with them, at least, not generally.
Miruna says: (11:23:12 PM): The two systems [kata and hira] are almost the same.
I say: (11:23:27 PM): Interesting; they don't look similar to me, but then again, my eyes are untrained
Miruna says: (11:23:41 PM): Oh, that. Well, in Japan, we rarely see foreigners in person. Most people would think of it as something to talk about.
I say: (11:23:56 PM): Hey, you know what's been driving me crazy? What on earth does a Japanese keyboard look like??? (I'm about to google it, I'm dying to see one.)
Miruna says: (11:24:48 PM): It depends on the machine it's connected to, but mine has eight typing rows, two shift and meta keys, a function row and a NP block.
I say: (11:28:48 PM): Hm, interesting. I've looked at like a dozen images, and all of them are of English/Japanese combinations. Kanji is the one where each symbol is a word, right? Were there ever keyboards that had kanji on them?
Miruna says: (11:29:06 PM): Absolutely not. To the kanji keyboard, that is.
I say: (11:29:12 PM): Ah. A kanji keyboard would be insane! And it would be wicked awesome.
Miruna says: (11:29:55 PM): A couple decades ago, we drastically reduced the number of official [non-name] kanji to 1945. I do not think they make desks big enough for that.
I say: (11:30:16 PM): Interesting. How many did there used to be? It would probably need a quad-shift key. Like, one shift key for one set of symbols, and then another shift key for another set, ect.
Miruna says: (11:30:25 PM): Oh, several thousand. Well, that is how we type kana.
I say: (11:30:55 PM): So that it wouldn't have that many more keys, just many more symbols per key. Oh, will it display on aim? I wanna see! I feel like a tourist suddenly. Do all websites handle kana on their search engines? Like, if you use kana on an English website search engine, will it give you an error?
Miruna says: (11:32:20 PM): Well, I use an English keyboard because of all the programming I often do. In e-mail, I usually use an interpreter.
I say: (11:32:21 PM): I suppose it would have to if nothing matched, come to think of it. Oh. So you can't type kana? I mean, at the moment, that is.
Miruna says: (11:33:01 PM): No, you can use kana and kanji in any search engine. Whether you get a result depends on whether what you've searched for exists. Just like English. And no, I cannot type non romaji at the moment. I rarely need to use the interpreter except for e-mail or search-engines anyway.
I say: (11:33:46 PM): I assume it'll only show results that turn up in the language you've searched in- right?
Miruna says: (11:34:56 PM): Well, if you type the kanji equivalent of, say, "see spot run", you'll find any page with that phrase. So it's exactly like searching in English, at least if you use Google.




I say: (11:35:44 PM): Do English letters look pretty to you? I've always thought our letters look so ugly and drab compared to kana or kanji. Is that just because it's foreign? Or are English letter truly ugly?
Miruna says: (11:37:25 PM): I like romaji letters. They do not have a 'history'. Of course, they are old, but looking at a romaji letter, you get no sense of what it is supposed to mean. Mostly because romaji letters -do not have- a meaning. That does not happen with kanji, of course, nor even with kana. Kana were all derived from older kanji, and simplified so they could be written with fewer brush-strokes. So the meaning still rides each kana, even if none of them are 'words'.
I say: (11:38:53 PM): I never thought about it that way, if words were symbols than the symbol itself would hold a lot of meaning and carry a lot of weight.
Miruna says: (11:39:34 PM): Indeed. There is a little . . . issue with our number for 'four'. One way to read it sounds like our word for 'death'.
I say: (11:39:36 PM): But do you find English letters boring/ugly/drab? Or do they seem exotic in some odd way in Japan the way Japanese letters look so cool here? That's interesting. That sort of thing happens everywhere in English though.
Miruna says: (11:40:01 PM): So we have something of a superstition about the number four. Hotels do not have fourth floors, and such.
I say: (11:40:11 PM): Wow, that's interesting! I would have never guessed something like that.
Miruna says: (11:41:44 PM): Romaji is used a lot in packaging and advertising. Lots of us think it looks cool or exotic, so I suppose that might just be it. I do not think romaji looks drab, though. It looks elegant. Simple. Like you can put them together in the strangest ways to make sounds and words. Like the word 'enough'. How does 'ugh' turn into 'f'?
I say: (11:42:57 PM): So, I suppose I can lay off the dumb-American questions, lol. How is your personal life going? Whoa, I just now realized romaji means "my" sort of letters, lol. Yeah, I guess you could say elegant, since they're so simple, but I always thought of Japanese letters as elegant!
Miruna says: (11:43:04 PM): Baroque is the word, I think. Very baroque.
I say: (11:43:12 PM): That is such a funny question. I don't know the word baroque, but I'd guess it's said like "bark" with a slight accent. How did I get "k" out of "oque"? It just goes to show how odd it is. Although, it seems that there are many more sound possibilities with this letter system. How can you even say a word like... my name for example: Atara – when there is a vowel after every consonant.
Miruna says: (11:45:10 PM): No, it is actually phonetic, with the 'que' -> 'k'. It means 'textured' or complicated, with a sense of decadence. It also refers to a period of art characterized by those attributes.
I say: (11:45:24 PM): Interesting. True, true. I knew that I suppose, but I never actually thought about it. About the que that is.
Miruna says: (11:45:53 PM): Oh, dear. Your name would not survive our language.
I say: (11:46:11 PM): Yeah, I'd be Radale. The shame.
Miruna says: (11:47:18 PM): More likely 'raedaru'. We do not distinguish between 'l' or 'r', as we technically do not use either sound, rather a sound right in between the two.
I say: (11:48:15 PM): Oh boy.
Miruna says: (11:48:27 PM): Also, most Japanese speakers tend to be very hasty when pronouncing foreign words, and more or less put together whichever moku their ears catch.
I say: (11:48:39 PM): I guess I can say that much for English - we can make more sounds; though we're missing a few other sounds that other languages use as well.
Miruna says: (11:48:46 PM): Which usually means we butcher English brutally.
I say: (11:49:16 PM): A Japanese accent (coming from a woman) is beautiful.
Miruna says: (11:49:33 PM): Really?
I say: (11:49:46 PM): Actually, this is probably terribly sexist or racist or something, but I find Asian men very unattractive in almost every single way, whereas I find Asian women amazing.
Miruna says: (11:51:14 PM): I always thought English speakers had much more interesting voices. Much slower and with a more interesting rhythm. Japanese is a little monotonous by comparison. English speakers use such varied inflection and accent. Though, when you emphasize words, it sounds a little odd.
I say: (11:52:06 PM): What's interesting though, as that by the time Asian features have been transferred to anime (I'm sure you know we call Japanese cartoons 'anime' as if it's a whole different sort of program entirely) I find that the guys look really cool. I wonder why that is? Are anime men generally drawn idealistically or something? That's a nifty way of looking at it. I thought Japanese sounded cooler than our language because it's so distinctive with all of it's "o" and "e" sounds all the time. Japanese names roll off the tongue so easily. I like Yamato, Makoto and I Temari.
Miruna says: (11:53:44 PM): We call it 'anime' as well. I think we got it from the French, who called cartoons "anime'".
I say: (11:54:10 PM): That's odd. I never knew that. Does that mean you call American cartoons anime as well? Or do you call those cartoons?
Miruna says: (11:54:38 PM): We just call anything with ink and paper pictures 'anime'.
I say: (11:54:57 PM): Ah. We make a distinction here; Japanese cartoons are anime and our cartoons are cartoons.
Miruna says: (11:55:04 PM): And the think to keep in mind about anime designers is that they often try to either preserve or 'reinvent' [butcher] old, classical art styles.
I say: (11:55:11 PM): Like, when someone says here "I'm an anime-freak" they mean all Japanese stuff.
Miruna says: (11:55:41 PM): Ah. We call them 'otaku', but it seems to mean something different when Americans use the word.
I say: (11:55:52 PM): Ghost in the Shell, Full Metal Alchemist and Death Note are my three favorite series of all time; ever seen them? I've never heard otaku. What's otaku mean?
Miruna says: (11:58:45 PM): Well, it means something like 'geek' or 'nerd', but usually with little focus on anything scholastic, and more emphasis on a fixation with some hobby or favorite show. We have otaku for American culture, even. They usually watch imported American shows and movies, try to learn spoken English [we all learn English in high school, but the focus is on written communication], and generally try to Americanise themselves as much as they can. Other otaku focus on whatever their own pet hobby is. I hear a lot of Americans have a similar fascination with us. Not sure why.
I say: (11:59:46 PM): Indeed. It's extremely common here. There are anime-freaks all over the place, even I could be called one. We wear all sorts of anime gear (I even have a death-note bag) and often you'll see people with their hair made to look like anime hair and so forth.
Miruna says: (12:04:23 AM): Yeah, we have people like that here. For a long time now, the cool thing has been to write English on things. Though, a lot of the English does not make a lot of sense. Things like "Active Sports For Traditional Mind". It mostly serves as decoration.
I say: (12:06:09 AM): We do that too. Would you believe some people get Chinese or Japanese letters tattooed on them without confirming what they mean??
Miruna says: (12:08:11 AM): I wish I could say no. But I cannot. I know some people are stupid enough to tattoo very . . . ill-conceived English phrases on themselves with henna. Permanent tattoos are not very popular here, though.
I say: (12:08:26 AM): Really? My boyfriend is a tattoo artist -- he does "Asian" lettering at least once a week on someone
Miruna says: (12:09:35 AM): Wow. I did not know Americans got -that- many tattoos! But, I have seen pictures of people with full body art.
I say: (12:10:15 AM): He works 50 to 60 hours a week and generally does 3 tattoos a day
Miruna says: (12:10:27 AM): I always thought that looked so beautiful, but there is no way anyone could do that here, unless they were Yakuza, but that is very different.
I say: (12:10:27 AM): Though it can range from 0 to 8 tattoos a day. Yakuza? That was the name of a gang in the Ghost in the Shell movie: Innocence. Strange; I see so many bad tattoos in bad places that I think tattoos mess up the art of the human body
Miruna says: (12:12:55 AM): The Yakuza are a lot older than Ghost in the Shell [which is one of my favorite old movies, by the way]. They are like your mafia, but . . . they have a longer history. Here, tattoos are mostly only associated with them, but that is changing a little, especially with Americans and others getting all those tattoos.
I say: (12:13:37 AM): That's very interesting. You know any other good animes I might like? Tattoos always fade, even when they're good. They're expensive, permanent and often a cause for regret. At least once a week my b/f does a cover-up tattoo as well. I don't dislike or discriminate people for having tattoos, but I think it's unwise to have them personally.
Miruna says: (12:14:40 AM): Well, if you liked Ghost in the Shell, you might really like Serial Experiments: Lain, and if you like that, you might like Boogiepop Phantom. Paranoia Agent is also very thought-provoking.
I say: (12:15:14 AM): Interesting, someone else told me to watch Lain, but after the first five episodes I had to question if I wanted to keep watching it or not. I was recommended Paranoia Agent by the same guy who told me to watch Lain, incidentally. I've never heard of Boogiepop Phantom though. I have not tried Paranoia Agent yet though. I should get on that.
Miruna says: (12:16:44 AM): It is really good. A little older than Lain, but similar style and influence. It is about urban legends and dealing with the unknown.
I say: (12:17:48 AM): You know what's funny? The Asian stereotype is "smart" which is the only positive stereotype I've ever come across. And what's more interesting is that stereotype come from truth even if they are not always true
Miruna says: (12:18:31 AM): Well, I heard Americans think Italians are supposed to be good in bed, too.
I say: (12:18:52 AM): Yeah, I've heard that. I’m part Italian, enough to claim that I am Italian, and I'd say I'm pretty good.
Miruna says: (12:20:17 AM): Eh. I never paid much attention. Okinawans are supposed to be drunken thugs, but I find them pretty smart and thoughtful, moreso than most 'true' Japanese people I've known. And a lot of them get drunk easier than I do.
I say: (12:20:38 AM): I quit drinking entirely. I just don't like not being able to understand my surroundings. To do that to myself on purpose jsut doesn't seem logical.
Miruna says: (12:22:29 AM): Well, drinking here fulfils a very old social function. In fact, it is pretty common to call sake 'sake-san' [Mr. [or Ms.] Sake].
I say: (12:23:01 AM): I can honestly say that at least 60% of people I've met do fall into their stereotypes. Most the women I've met like chocolate. Most the black people I've met are ghetto, uneducated and like fried chicken. Most the white people I've met can be a prick a lot of the time. The few Jamaicans I've met work like crazy and smoke weed like crazy. The few Asians I've met were highly educated and intelligent. I've met a few exceptions, but surprisingly few.
Miruna says: (12:27:00 AM): Oh. Most regular Japanese ['true' or otherwise] like chocolate. A lot are hardworking [and a lot work hard at looking like they work hard], a lot smoke marijuana. And a lot of working-class people are not well-educated. I doubt it would change much if we had more than three ethnicities here.
I say: (12:28:57 AM): I'd say we're about 30% white, 30% black, 20% Hispanic, 10% Indian, and 10% everything else in this city
Miruna says: (12:31:03 AM): Yeah, that is a big difference from Japan. We are about 95% 'true' nationalized Japanese, about 3% Okinawan [on the mainland], a little under 2% Ainu, and the rest are a curiosity on the street.
I say: (12:31:19 AM): Wow, even in Tokyo?
Miruna says: (12:32:25 AM): In Tokyo, we have the Foreigner's District, not far from the major airport.
I say: (12:32:51 AM): District? Is it strictly separate? Or is it just a tourist section?
Miruna says: (12:34:06 AM): It is almost all foreigners. They are catered to as long as they stay [assuming they can afford the 'catering'], but the neighboring districts often do not like the 'spill' [a not-so-polite way of referring to drunken foreigners with lots of money and not much sense]. Also, Chiba is pretty nice for foreigners who want to stay in Japan permanently, but other cities are not always friendly. Kyoto and Osaka are rather backwards for such big cities. But it still is not like foreigners are common in Chiba. Nearly all foreigners live in the Foreigner's District. And it is a little like New York's boroughs: a district is sort of locally managed kind of independently-but-not-really from the rest of the districts around it.
I say: (12:38:10 AM): Like china-town? Every large city in America had a "china-town.” My boyfriend wants my attention. We should talk more about this stuff later.
Miruna says: (12:39:08 AM): Ah. I was going to go to lunch soon with Ame anyway. It was good to talk to you again.
I say: (12:39:19 AM): Lunch? It’s midnight here!
Miruna says: (12:39:33 AM): We are ten hours ahead.

Criminals; How should they be treated?

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 12:31pm

I think my sleeping issues have revealed themselves to me. I think it’s a psychological disorder that won’t allow me to sleep, and that wishes me to continue sleeping in the morning.
Before getting up just now I spent nearly an hour in bed forcing myself to keep my eyes open but unwilling to leave the bed or to turn the lights on, or to sit up at my computer. One way I trick myself out of staying like that until I fall back asleep is to make a phone call. I called My Bestfriend, but I didn’t get an answer. I’m unsure what I had been planning to say to him.
I think it’s part of my loneliness complex. I remember having issues with sleeping as a child and not wanting the light turned off, and not wanting my mom to leave the room, and having to be sung to sleep even when I was tired. I remember clearly being awake until two in the morning night after night when I was in fourth grade even though I had to get up at six-thirty. At this point in life I had no friends, no boyfriend yet, and my mother didn’t sing to me anymore, nor did she read to me all that often, and my father was starting to become more remote... I think I feel like it’s unsafe to go to sleep without receiving some sort of affectionate validation.
I’m using the word ‘safe’ for this uneasily, though I can’t think of a more accurate word. It’s as though I’m losing something when I go to sleep if I can not find assurance from someone. In recently months I’ve learned to trick myself into feeling that it’s okay to sleep by taking My Boyfriend’s arm while he’s asleep and cuddling it.
While physical affection helps a lot it seems that communication is almost as vitally important. When I feel like I have words kept unspoken then I toss and turn for hours. When I feel like no one is listening to me, or like no one cares what I do, then I also don’t sleep.
This seems to be the exact same complex which makes me hate getting up. Something tells me that the place I’ve just been in my dreams has got to be warmer, safer and happier than the cold, sad, un-welcoming world that doesn’t seem to find a need to wake me up. It’s as though, if no one wakes me up, then no one cares if I’m awake. If no one cares if I’m awake then while be awake? I mean, if no one cares, why even be alive?
I find myself having that stray thought... “I wish I was dead.” It flits through my mind when I’m trying to fall asleep. I tell myself I don’t mean that. I tell myself I want to live, I do! I tell myself I have reasons... But when I try to list them off they feel shallow and weak... And the same when I wake up. Only it’s phrased different when I wake up. I think; “Why should I wake? Why should I live?” Since these thoughts recur on any morning or night in which I interpret my surroundings as being unloving – which is often – then I begin to wonder how my transforms “why should I live?” into “I wish I was dead.”
Denying that I feel that way is silly. I can logic my way into saying that I don’t think that, but I can’t logic my way out of feeling that. If I didn’t feel that way, then why would I keep thinking about, day after day? I have stopped imagining killing myself so often – a bad habit since I was in... Fourth grade. Why does it always come back to fourth grade? Did something traumatic happen in addition to what I believe happened at that age? I feel like a separate self – a self that is sometimes nine, sometimes twelve – questions my motives and actions. Like she’s always watching me; judging.
All of this has been brought to my attention this morning when I asked myself a familiar question: “Why do I want to leave the house when My Boyfriend isn’t here but could be?” When he leaves for work I forgive him for not giving me a kiss before he leaves or for not waking me up, because after all, he might be in a hurry. When it’s his day off I feel entirely dejected. Unloved.
It’s days like these that I have to really pat myself on the back for being awake at this time. No one is calling me, no one is waiting for me, no one is going to be calling for me, waiting for me, or wishing I was around any time in the next few hours.
But this brings me to another question: “What is the merit of being awake?” After all, isn’t there another world I can go enjoy in my sleep? If no one will miss me here; then why not? Of course I have an answer to that, and that is my health. If I didn’t realize that oversleeping makes me feel like shit, and that it also isn’t good for your body then I probably would continue to just keep sleeping in.
What’s interesting is that I’ve been conditioning myself to believe it’s bad for me to sleep in for years now, which is the opposite of what I had to tell myself when I was nine – then I was always getting sick, and if I felt tired it was important I kept sleeping, otherwise an innocent fever could turn into a several week sickness. And so often did this happen that I began to think of sleep as the only healthy thing I could do for myself, in addition to being the only escape from my loneliness, confusion and desperation.
I’m getting that sinking feeling in my stomach again. I knows it’s because of how I feel about My Boyfriend... I feel awful about how all of this has happened. I hate how people can care so much and yet not be able to make it enough. It’s so depressing how he doesn’t understand after I explain and explain and explain, and show and do and show and do and explain again...
I could be the best poet on earth, or the most diligent scribe, or the most intuitive psychologist; but I don’t think any of it would My Bestfriender. I fear that the fact at the heart of it is that he will only change if he feels he needs to; and then it will only be for a short time. As soon as he feels things are secure the arguments start back up again... He becomes resentful of putting so much effort into us. He feels he’s sacrificing instead of investing. And when he feels like it’s a sacrifice, then I end up feeling that way too.
Shit, now I’ve run out of speculation and I’m sitting here trying not to go back to sleep – clothes and lights in all. I do that sometimes. I lay down with the lights on and my clothes on and fall asleep. Even though late at night the tiniest lights bother me, the smallest noised drive me insane, my covers exposing my toe or shoulder keeps me awake, an itchy piece of clothing prevents my mind from wandering... Why? Am I just directing my real issues at the things which seem more ordinary targets?
I’m having trouble focusing now... Apply chapstick; look around the room disconsolately; think about things I could be doing; look for someone to talk to on aim; try not to cry... But I know I’m only like this because I’ve gone at gotten my hopes up... My Boyfriend leaves without a kiss, without any sweet words or touches... He’s off to the mall with his brother who won’t be back for a long time. (He’s in the service you see.)
I told My Boyfriend I was upset that he told me we would go to the mall last Thursday and then didn’t, and then he said Sunday, and then we didn’t. Now he’s taking his brother. He told me I was being selfish; that I only think of myself. It’s pretty much the only thing he said to me this morning. He spoke a hell of a lot more words over the phone to his brother.
He can’t use “being quiet” as an excuse. That’s not it and I think he knows that just as well as I do. He’s distinctly unresponsive when something is bothering him, not just by habit of his nature. Denying that is as useless as denying the issues between him and I.
Sigh; listen to sounds from downstairs; look around the room as if I lost my puppy; start typing garble-gook. Rub hands together; yawn; straighten my back; think fleetingly of listening to music... No, I don’t want to allow music to make me feel worse right now.
I’m so torn between trying my hardest to make it work right now while he’s still trying at all, and just letting him give up and letting things die as they were going to anyway.

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:45pm

Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff.
6:40pm... I still want to just curl up into a ball and cry. Now I’ve spent my entire day cleaning to ignore how I feel. I made major progress. It felt good making progress, though it’s left me so physically weary. Now that I’m back upstairs I’m already feeling almost like I did shortly after I woke.
I shall read, and hopefully then writing on my novel...

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:43pm

I say: (3:43:57 PM): DHS?
Chris says: (3:46:46 PM): the people that come and take kids from bad people
I say: (3:47:09 PM): Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.
Chris says: (3:48:18 PM): Yeah but this kids mom held his hand on the stove as punishment fuck her
I say: (3:48:41 PM): Sometimes a bad mom who loves the child is better than a neglectful mom. I know a mom who broke her kids hand with a hammer because he smoked a cigarette. But she loved her child dearly. I think it would have been worse if they'd be separated.
Chris says: (3:49:15 PM): One that burns her kids needs to be shot.
I say: (3:49:51 PM): Both the child and her need psychological help, not separation. That's part of what's wrong with today's society. We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
Chris says: (3:55:37 PM): Both.
I say: (3:56:22 PM): You understand what happens in jail?
Chris says: (3:56:31 PM): I worked in one.
I say: (3:56:33 PM): The fucked up mind-set because 10x worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster.
Chris says: (3:57:59 PM): If you treat them like one yes but if you give them a chance in jail then they come out ok it all depends on who’s running the jail.
I say: (3:59:39 PM): Yeah, put the drug deals with the killers and rapist -- all under one roof. Yeah, that's bright. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people - not other people with worse issues. Not guards with heartlessness.
Chris says: (4:01:35 PM): I think they need to be by them selves except for trained people to help them.
I say: (4:02:28 PM): Normal happy people trained to help them!

I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I know personally three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child. If they didn’t use the bathroom in the right place maybe you don’t feed them at the usual time, or maybe you scold them or take them out for a walk and encourage them to go outside. If they bite a child... Well, honestly I’d need to ask a psychological professional or a dog specialist. I don’t know what makes a dog inclined to bite a person.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.

Conversation with My Bestfriend:
I say: (3:44:42 PM): Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff... I’m... Writing some ship-stats for my book. Usually I'll be saying "fast ship" or "cargo ship" or "war ship" but in this particular instance the exact stats of a ship are going to be mentioned so I'm making up fancy names.
My best male friend says: (3:50:44 PM): I dunno what I wanna do...
I say: (3:51:40 PM): Tell me your thoughts on the following... [I copy that excerpt from my IM with Chris] “...the people that come and take kids from bad people.... Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.... One that burns her kids needs to be shot.... A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil.”




My best male friend says: (3:54:28 PM): I think they should be separated; that woman isn’t fit to raise a child; regardless of her "love" – mind telling vampire that I agree? with vampire that is.
I say: (3:55:28 PM): If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Perhaps a person should be assigned to stay with them for a couple of weeks to instruct her on proper discipline techniques. Separating them will worsen both the child's psyche and the mothers.
My best male friend says: (3:56:45 PM): Yea, you are put in counseling, but in the mean time you take away all knives guns and otherwise lethal objects.
I say: (3:57:01 PM): Well, of course
My best male friend says: (3:57:37 PM): And instruction wont fucken help, she needs serious change; it wont happen in weeks. I think that the kid's screwed
I say: (3:58:00 PM): It can if the advisor is good enough.

Before I continue with this IM, keep in mind that by this time my temper is flaring. I find this sort of thing very irritating. Yeah, conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a discipline specialist for a year may be almost fix the problem, but not entirely.
However, if our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. Of course, at the time of this conversation I was too wound up and too short of time to say all of that. The IM continues...

My best male friend says: (3:58:12 PM): No.
I say: (3:58:11 PM): But of course, no such advisor is really available. It could, if that advisor was a psychologist and hypnosis-expert and also an expedient child handler.
My best male friend says: (3:59:02 PM): Seriously, you think some woman handing you a pamphlet and telling you how to spank a child is going to solve the problems in the family? If they’re burning the children's hands, they probably have a lot more going on.

Clearly, My Bestfriend has no idea what I meant there; if he did then the word “pamphlet” would have never come up. It’s obvious that he (still) doesn’t see how I look at things yet. I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.

I say: (3:59:54 PM): Of course not! An advisor who is there 24/7 and... oh fuck it. Never mind. I’m not wasting my time on this shit. I should write a book about it.
My best male friend says: (4:00:20 PM): No that really wont work.
I say: (4:00:22 PM): Not sit here and debate you; w/e you're right!
My best male friend says: (4:00:30 PM): You think she'd be willing to just be instructed and change her life? You know, it would only fail miserably and encourage more misguided teenagers to write equally unsuccessful books.

Rereading this part actually makes me really angry all over again. Of course she wouldn’t want to be instructed to change her life, but if she’s given the choice between the child being taken away and being put into serious help, then any mother who deserved her child would choose the help. And I’m the one who is misguided. It’s like he’s literally purposely ignoring my point just to say that I’m wrong.

I say: (4:01:57 PM): Screw you, you're a narrow minded naive contemptual know-it-all borderline-szitzo virginal dick-head!
My best male friend says: (4:02:28 PM): I’m in college; that’s part of the job description
I say: (4:02:38 PM): You and millions of other people, get off your high horse.
My best male friend says: (4:03:03 PM): You know, confidence is earned sometimes... Well, im going to go play video-games with My First Love.

I tell my anime friend about the debate:
My Anime Friend Says: (3:59:44 PM): Burning a child's hand or breaking it is excessive. No My Bestfriender how much a parent supposedly loves them. That scars you, believe me. Granted, the American Penal System is screwed up harshly. They really need to restructure who goes to jail with who.
I say: (4:04:22 PM): I hate everything!!!!!!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:03 PM): You can't possibly mean that.
I say: (4:05:42 PM): Fine. I hate My Bestfriend and Chris and most of the rest of the world.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:56 PM): That's more realistic.
I say: (4:07:34 PM): No... I hate me... I'm so damn idealistic. I view everything so completely differently than everyone and I get so passionate about what I believe in and I just end up pushing everyone away! And it hurts so much to stand so alone in what I believe in, on stop of standing alone physically as well. I just want to burn up and disappear.
I say: (4:08:24 PM): I'm damn near a cynical old woman at 20. And I'm as winy as a damn sugar-craving baby with softies for parents
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:01 PM): Atara, do you know how strong you are?
I say: (4:09:14 PM): Not strong enough to jump out the window. Not strong enough to win an argument. Not strong enough to stop losing my cool and making an ass of myself!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:41 PM): No, you're strong enough to believe yourself.
I say: (4:09:56 PM): Not strong enough to work things out with my father...... I believe I'm capable of coming to a logical conclusion most of the time...
My Anime Friend Says: (4:10:24 PM): In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't My Bestfriender what anyone else thinks, says, or does. What's important is what you believe and how strongly you believe in it.
I say: (4:10:55 PM): Well, I'd rather have a family and a life than be crucified for my beliefs. And at this rate I'll be a hermit on a hillside instead. Oh, bloody hell, I'm supposed to be helping my work on shit.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:11:37 PM): You're not alone in your cynicism.'
I say: (4:11:39 PM): What a merry fucking xmas this shall be....





Friday, December, 19th 2008 at 2:05pm

It’s snowing cats and dogs outside right now. My Boyfriend expected to be coming right back home after arriving at Frankie’s house. He before 11:30am (even though work starts at one o’clock) on the pretense that Frank (not the same guy as Frankie) said there probably wouldn’t be work but that he should come to Frankie’s house to discuss some things. I have not heard from My Boyfriend since he left.
I’m still upset over the debate yesterday. I feel like My Bestfriend is some sort of... It’s hard to explain. I’m glad for meeting him. I’m glad for being his friend. I like his input. His interests are interesting. His outlook gives me a new way to look at things. It’s good to be able to have an intellectual debate...
But.
I can’t really blame him for not wanting to accept anything out of the framework of his ideas of the world, because I similarly reject what people are saying if it’s outside my framework as well. We all do. We’re all narrow-minded in our own subjective way. I hate how he pretends to be above narrow-mindedness, but of course I pretend the same. I suppose I can’t blame the mirror of it’s my reflection that is upsetting me, can I?
I want him to like me and respect me but at the same time I can’t be liked or respected for something that I’m not. I don’t just sit here a placidly accept the world for being the way it is. I don’t just expect that everyone is going to be the stereotypical person that they are. I don’t allow the fact that no body cares to stop me from saying what I believe. I don’t allow the fact that the world is fucked up to stop me from seeing how it could and should be. I don’t let the obstacle of money stop me from dreaming up a utopian world or an extensively customizable revolutionary video game.


























Saturday, December, 20th 2008 at 3:55pm

To make an excuse for not having a gift for My Boyfriend on our two-year anniversary would be pointless. There isn’t an excuse, but there is a reason. That reason is I have not been sure we’d make it this far, and I have not made it even a small priority.
I sincerely don’t believe he has anything for me, so I guess it’s just as well. It’s really more embarrassing that I don’t have anything for him for x-mas. I don’t have more than two items to put into my parent’s stockings. I got perhaps a total of ten gifts, and they’re all quite small. I can’t put into words how badly I feel about this...
It seems impossible to write on my novel when I feel so...
I just want to go back to bed again.
It’s fully apparent to me now that I can’t sleep if I feel lonely and I don’t want to get up if I feel like I’m getting up only to feel lonely. Hence why if I’m woken up to having to go do something I feel wretched about it. As if I’m only good awake so that I can go fulfill an obligation...
I got down to the depth of my person last night...
And I can’t even write about that...
I feel like I’m sinking lower just as I sit here. I feel more lonely and yet I don’t want to leave this room and face obligations; that will be a distraction yet again, not a solution.
I was supposed to write today damn it! And the moment I begin...
My excuses are useless.
It’s not as if anyone cares...
Well, of course they do... But not... In the ways that count...
I have to stop, to staunch the tears before they come.

4:45pm... I just had an amazing experience. After writing the above I laid down and thought and pouted and resisted crying for a while. I realized that I felt tired, and it occurred to me that I only felt tired because I wanted to reset how I feel. Going to sleep resets your mind; or at least it should if you’re sleeping restfully.
I realized that I wanted to reset my lonely feeling. Once I am asleep I don’t (generally) feel lonely. I’m not necessarily saying this is true, but I think that it’s possible that this is because I’m with other spirits while I’m sleeping. Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to wake into an empty room: because I’m with people in my sleep. Of course, this could also be explained (I’m sure) by how the brain works. I’m of the opinion that either explanation alone is not the full truth.
After coming to those conclusions I realized that it would be awesome if I could use that to my advantage. If only I could go to sleep deeply and then just wake in a few minutes and feel better. I know however that I can’t do that, right? If only I could be hypnotized into doing it...
Then I remembered that in “Many Lifetimes” it’s often mentioned that one can be self-hypnotized to a certain degree. With this in mind I said to myself (in my head):
“You are feeling tired. You want to go to sleep. You will sleep deeply and completely. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rejuvenated. You will sleep when I reach 1. 20... 19... 18...” I counted down, but the odd thing was that as I was counting down I found my attention being distracted by my breathing. When I got to one I was still awake and I was also noticing sounds downstairs that were bothering me. So I tried again:
“You are going to fall asleep at the count of thirty. You will sleep deeply and you will dream. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rested. You will not be distracted by your breathing or from outside noises. 1... 2... 3...” I don’t remember reaching thirty, but in ten minutes I woke up feeling great! I’m amazed. I’m dumbfounded. I can’t believe it worked!
Even more amazing is that I know that I dreamed. I don’t remember what I dreamed, but I know that I did. I woke so quickly and so completely that the dream was too distant. I probably should have included in my instructions to myself “you will remember your dream.” That would be much more remarkable.
Now that I feel like I can really do this with the right mind-set I’m going to have to test it out many times in the near future.








Wednesday, December, 24th 2008 at 7:07pm

So I said to My Bestfriend on IM today:
I had this dream... I was cuddling next to you, and you said something to me that made me feel really bad, and I got up and said "fuck you" and then I felt worse, and then I went and cuddled up next to My First Love, and he looked at me in his sad-eyes way and then he was like pregnant or something because he had this giant balloon-stomach, and it was disturbing... Then he went and slept on a shelf, which was even weirder... And this all happened in some house that My Boyfriend had bought for us even though he never showed up in the dream... And there were these weird upstairs-residents that kept bothering us.
I have not been on IM. I have not checked my e-mail. I have not written in my novel. Holidays can do that to you sometimes. And you can see how long it’s been since I posted a blog entry. I have taken a bunch of pictures however, which I’ll be posting when I get a chance. I’m going to attempt to write on my novel now however, while I have the chance.

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 1:20am

Corvier is downstairs in the game room (sitting at the pink and black card table) with his laptop 3D-modeling while listening to gangster-rap music. He’s doing this due to my dislike of the said “music.”
So why didn’t I break up with him on the twenty-first like I had planned? Well, let’s start with why I was planning on leaving him in the first place:
He had stopping paying attention to me; he didn’t notice if I cleaned, dressed-up, cooked or even had sex with him. And even if he noticed, he sure didn’t say anything to me.
He let his anger control him on too many occasions. He’s driven in unsafe ways due to his anger. He’s pushed me out of anger. He has said very mean things to me out of anger.
He has made a number of promises to me he hasn’t kept. In general, he’s terrible at keeping his word. In fact, he’s terrible at making plans, and when he does, he never sticks to them.
He has this complex where he believes all women are lying, cheating, manipulating, prude bitches left-over from his first love with whom he had a baby with (who was given up for adoption.) They were over for four years when My Boyfriend and I met and he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since.
He has drug-use issues. He smokes weed almost daily, and on average, since I’ve met him, he drinks once or twice a week. And on average, once a month gets piss drunk. When he’s drunk, he’s more likely to get angry.
When My Boyfriend is angry he becomes an entirely different person. His values literally shift, which is a serious problem for him, with me or not.
Despite many promises to work on these issues, the overall conclusion was that things were never going to change and things were brought to a nasty peak on Thanksgiving, after four months of already feeling like things were pretty-much over.
We were over Thanksgiving day, but my mom intervened. She says her reason for doing so was because we were both upset and should make a decision like that when we were both thinking more rationally.
So, the conclusion when I spoke with my mom that day was, “I’ll give him another chance, but mom, this is the last of the last.”
Corvier seemed to come to some serious realizations. He hasn’t drank since then (that I know of – and that alone is enough because if he comes home sober than he can’t be drinking enough to count even if he is still drinking now and then). He’s been much more understanding. He’s been much more affectionate and loving. He’s apologized over and over again.
In addition to these, he seems to truly be repenting for his past actions. He knows that he deserved to be left, and that I stayed with him out of pure sympathy. He’s been much more forth coming, more talkative, and even made some attempts to be romantic. It’s possible for us to entirely fall back in love again at this point...
The only issue here is that I have so much doubt and so much fear. Well, I shouldn’t say I’m really afraid. In truth, if we parted now, I’d be very upset, but I would not be devastated. We’ve had a good relationship overall. We’ve both learned a lot, and we’ve been instrumental in our understanding of the outside world. I think we’ve both changed dramatically for the better. So what more can you really ask from a relationship? Isn’t permanence a rather mighty and selfish request? It probably is, but I’ll ask for it anyway.
Do I ask for permanence with My Boyfriend? No. I don’t ask for it with anyone in particular. I ask for just someone to be around for the next forty or fifty years who will love me unconditionally, relate to me, and cooperate with me. And if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to love them back. If that person is My Boyfriend; then that is convenient and merry... If not, then I hope it becomes more clear to me in the near future.
But do I hope that? I’m enjoying our relapse into the relationship we once had. I feel good again about our relationship, even with my doubts.
I want it to work out. I want that person to be My Boyfriend. Is that want clouding my reasoning? I did say I wanted to give My Boyfriend the chance to change, and he is changing. The fact that he’s changing should be a reason to be happy; and yet instead I ask; but is this enough?
Perhaps this is greedy, but I want the best deal I can get. While the love part is required, as well as being able to communicate and cooperate, I still desire someone attractive with a decent earning potential as well as a good intellect and interesting hobbies. My Boyfriend has all of that, but he wavers on his communication and cooperation, which are two key things...
And it’s not that I couldn’t find all of those qualities in another man... And it’s not even that I don’t believe I could love another man... I suppose it’s just that I’m afraid of the process. I’m afraid of the separation. I’m afraid that it may take months, years... Who knows how long to find someone truly better.
Of course there are people I know who would date me. Several, actually. And while many of them are decent, I don’t feel like they... Could make me feel how My Boyfriend makes me feel.
Ah, he just returned and helped me fill in that blank. My whole face just lights up when he comes in. He had a similar childhood to mine. He has very like interests. Sure, we disagree about music, but we agree about many other things; TV programs, anime, art, computers, books...
If it’s possible for things to continue this way, then this could definitely work. My remaining concerns are being able to communicate fully, being able to satisfy his sex-drive (or rather, his need for feeling loved which can usually only be satisfied through sex), and our ability to continue to grow together without letting tensions build up again even if we fully recover what we once had.
What I find most encouraging is that we’re both so capable of changing. He might be just as capable as I, and that might be what I’m afraid is irreplaceable. His mind can be changed, whereas too many people I know will never back down off their high horses even when completely out-witted. No one out there quite believes what I believe, but My Boyfriend in many aspects comes close; and that is very precious to me.


Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 2:01am

As a recap of a previous entry: (I’ve edited this and added to it for better flow and more clarity so I have a solid background of what I’ve already said to add to.)
[Begin Edited Recap]
We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
You understand what happens in jail? The fucked up mind-set becomes ten times worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster. Putting drug dealers, rapists and murderers and thieves all under one roof is not a good idea. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people (that are of course specially trained to help them) – not other people with worse issues. Not heartless guards!
I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I personally know three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would anyone put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.
If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Of course, confinement from the outside world is necessary for murders, but it doesn’t change the fact that they need help, not to be bunched with other murderers!
What do we expect to happen? Are we hoping they off each other so that we don’t have to be “responsible” for it?
Conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a helpful environment and other specialists however could begin to make a dent.
If our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. But of course, no such advisor is really available.
I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.
[End Edited Recap]

Tater writes:
Sorry, but I don't tend to blame "society" for my sister's murder. I blame her MURDERER! I am sure he needs counseling. I am also sure he needs to be exactly where he is: IN JAIL. He is a violent, violent man. He is already serving a sentence for assaulting three other individuals in various ways...he hasn't even gone to trial for my sister's murder. I understand where you are coming from to a degree, but I find your whole argument (esp. if it applies to violent offenders) to be offensive, personally. You might feel differently if one of your loved ones was murdered. Though one thing I can say... I was against the death penalty BEFORE Sarah was murdered and am still against it.

Tater,
I would say, “I feel your pain,” but obviously, I don’t, because I’ve never been there. Though it’s said, “one need not be Caesar to understand Caesar,” I do believe that some things can not be truly empathized with if you haven’t been there.
Yes, murderers must be confined. That is without question. I’m more in question of what happens in confinement. Imagine, this individual is out there with people who got locked up for selling weed. This guy is in confinement with people who were stealing to feed their family, and even people who are innocent. Worse than that, he’s confined with other individuals who are worse than himself. All of those people are further damaging each other; emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually if you will.
And pure solitude will completely ruin a person; might as well kill them if you’re going to feed them through a slot. With help, many of these people could be truly helped, and beyond that could be assessed. People that are around these convicts everyday would actually be able to tell if someone is truly cured or not. Sitting in front of some panel once a year and making your case for leaving jail early is just ridiculous. As if a person’s character can be judged in fifteen minutes.
Ever seen the movie Shawshank Redemption? If not, I recommend it, it’s an excellent movie that takes place almost entirely in jail.
In every conversation, movie and book in which jail has been involved the person(s) who were in jail always came out worse-off. Every single time. I don’t mean to say that murderers should run free as long as they see their shrink, but I do mean to say that they should not be in contact with any other criminals.
I’m imagining a facility that’s much like a hospital crossed with a hotel. The rooms are small, but elegant. The windows are barred, but they have sunlight. Upon request they can have books brought to them, art supplies and other things to pass their time. Video cameras would be in all of the rooms to ensure that none of them were planning to use any of these things as weapons.
Three times a day they would be escorted from their room. Twice to eat in a cafeteria, once to see a specialist for an hour. Two or three times a week they’d be aloud outdoors, but at most, only two other criminals would be outside at the same time and any negative conversation between them would have them both immediately sent back to their rooms.
Yes, this would make prisons much more expensive, but more ordinary criminals would not need to be held for as long and innocent people would be much easier to weed out. Beyond that, it would be healthier in every respect.
Do you still disagree with what I’m saying?