Jealousy & Dreams

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 11:49pm

I never knew this would happen. I probably should have expected it. But even if I had, I never could have imagined it would happen so fast, and that it would be so bitter.

My interest in an open relationship has shrunk, receded, and reduced, and then suddenly, close to the point of saying that I wanted none of it, I find myself as jealous and perhaps even as prude as the next person. I feel stupid for feeling this way, but it can no longer be contained or ignored.

Was it only a week ago, or two weeks ago that I proclaimed My boyfriend should bring this chick home so we could mess with her? Come to think of it, that was around my birthday, so it was two weeks. In only two weeks time my mind has changed entirely around. Despicable... Hypocritical of me... But I have not the ability to reign in this feeling with logic.

Perhaps I was not so attached as I am now? Perhaps I was more sure from naiveness in the past? Perhaps I was just more interested in being kinky and now I’m growing older? But why so fast? It scares me. I’m not used to being so lost by my own emotions anymore. I’ve studied them. I gauge my reactions accurately with everything... Everything but this.

Jealousy. I want to (irrationally) tell him to never talk to her again. I want him to (cruelly) tell her that she’s ugly, and stupid and not good enough for him. I want to (immaturely) spam her with hate messages. It’s retarded, is it not? So why in all damnation do I feel this way?

Tuesday, February 19th 2008 at 1:29pm

I had a dream last night that I was having a dream where my clit was a penis, and I was bending it down into my slit. I was enjoying this for a while, but then I grew tired of it and called My boyfriend over to have sex with me instead. He refused, and I grew annoyed. Then I woke up, or at least I thought I woke up. I no longer had a penis for a clit, but I was still terribly horny, and was actually upset that I had no immediate way to pleasure myself. So I called My boyfriend over again. He left his porn on, which made it all the more enjoyable, because I could hear the woman screaming in the background. As he entered me I noticed that I was on my period.

In the dream the sheets were white. Fluffy (my childhood ‘pillow’ that is a stuffed dog of purple and white) was on my bed in the dream, and I fretted when My boyfriend grabbed it with his bloody hands. But then I relaxed because it would be a memory of the wonderful pleasure I was feeling. I looked about the bed and found more evidence of our love making everywhere. A bloody patch down the sheet, several hand prints, and marks on the pillows as well.

Suddenly My boyfriend leaves the bed and returns with a small TV displaying porn and plugs it into our much larger TV in front of the bed, and sits it next to the regular TV on the shame shelf. It’s displaying a woman with large breasts, wearing a skin tight purple dress. I watch avidly as he begins to have sex with me again... Then, half waking up for real this time I wonder why I’m not having sex with My boyfriend and call him over for some real morning sex.

Turns out my period did start in the night. No surprise since I haven’t take my pill two days now. Pulling out is probably not the wisest choice of action, but I can find no other sacrifice I’m willing to make. (Refer to previous entry about birth control...)

After My boyfriend left for work I read the last chapter of Breath and Bone. I was extremely sad that the series was over. I am still sad that the series is over. I wish another one was coming out. There were a couple of things left written, but not enough for me to suspect another book. Most certainly the best two books I ever read before. So genius. It reminds me of something I once thought of with my Barbie dolls as a child, but in way more depth, and much more logical... The imagery was so vivid and beautiful that I feel as though I watched a very good, very long, movie. I can actually picture each one of the characters in clarity, and entire scenes from the book roll through my head...

Outside, right now, the wind is howling here in Buffalo. My boyfriend walked to work through that snow this morning. I wish it was rain instead of snow. I like rain.

I got My boyfriend to agree (again) to us getting married in April of 2009. I hope it rains. That would be so cool, and so fitting. Rain is cleansing, and moving. It’s full of life, and it brings life. Rain is action, movement... It fills all the senses. You can taste it, you can smell it, you can touch it’s cold fluid droplets, you can hear it splattering and falling in a rush, you can see it streak the scenery with small white lines, almost invisible, but completely unignorable.

I feel good this morning. Perhaps because I took two days off from the Social Club in a row. Sunday I spent with My boyfriend, and Monday I spent cleaning, writing, reading, and napping. (And on the phone with tech support, but then, what day off is really a day off?)

I wish I could feel like this more often.

Pah, simply to ruin my mood, it has occurred to me I should go take some more of those calcium-magnesium-zinc tablets I bought a while back. Last time I was on my period I was at the mall and I bought them to help ease my cramps. It worked. I should take more before my cramps catch hold of me today. Aha! I shall be preemptive of thee pain! *assorted cackling and other malicious laughs*

Tuesday, February 19th 2008 at 1:47pm

Nicole,

I already got the lowest hormone pill there is. There isn’t one with any less in it. And the sugar in it is probably what’s making me sleepy, and that is also probably why my appetite has increases since sugar does both of those things. It’s also the likely culprit for why the smell makes me sick, because the smell of sugar makes me feel sick too. I always stay clear of the candy isle.

The shot however is an absolute no. I will never even try the shot once because even a one time usage stays in the body for a nine months to a year. My friend Tina lost her period entirely from it. (I know you’re supposed to get it in three months, but she didn’t, so they said to wait until she did. After a year of not having her period at all, they gave her pills to restart her cycle!) It’s also the highest dosage of hormones you can put into the body (I have looked these things up by the way, but supposedly all these side effects are unlikely, but of course, unlikely stuff always effects me) and there is no way to simply take the hormones out if you don’t like them. One of the most common side effects of the shot is weight gain, which effected Tina and a friend of hers who tried it at the same time as her. They both switched off the shot because of it’s numerable side effects.

And on top of all of that, I cry when my blood is drawn. My tetanus shot (which was supposed to only hurt a little for one day) hurt for four days, and it swelled up, and every time I moved my arm is sent bolts of fire through my body. So I’m just a little bit scared of shots.

Marie,

It’s not that I hate lubes or anything like that, it’s just that both My boyfriend and I are very into smells and tastes, and looking, and all of that. The full experience, not just the feeling of the in and out. By the time you’ve added a condom, t’s no fun to look at it, and by the time you’ve added lube it ruins the taste and smell too.

And as you can probably guess, flavored lube is totally out of the question. (Sugar, yeast – need I say more?)

Hallie,

I think it’s a good idea to wear condoms at least though part of the month. Thinking about it as a sometimes is a lot easier than thinking about condoms as a always. I think I will try looking into my ovulation for that purpose.

Thanks guys. I always have a new way to look at things after reading my comments, and I almost always then have more to write about as well.

Happy snowflakes!