Ayian & Angel

Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 12:42pm

Some entries I should write, or at least topics I should cover:

Video games, and how they are dissatisfying

Bob, and the interesting (and short) place he took in my life

New cast page for Tina

About my novel, and why it’s taking so long

My relationship with my Dad and how it has changed

How I plan to raise my children

My road trip plans for September

My printed journal, and the role it takes in my life in contrast with my online journal

Letter to my twelve-year-old self

My favorite memories of My boyfriend thus-far

Naruto and how it’s starting to suck really bad

I think this entry will be about my road trip I’m planning for September... As most of you probably know, last year, in 2007, my Dad and I (shortly after beginning my relationship with My boyfriend) went on a road trip. We left in March, and planned to be gone three full weeks.

I packed as little as I could for that length of time. My luggage with my Dad’s needed to take up only half of the storage space in the car (with the back-seats down) so that there would be enough room for my to lay down beside everything.

During the day I sat beside my Dad navigating and watching the scenery. At night I slept in the back of the car while Dad drove through the night. We stopped at my Aunt Sharon’s (and Uncle Bruce’s – my Dad’s older brother) in North Carolina, as well as Roy’s (and Lori’s but they’re not together anymore) in Georgia, and Trevor’s (and his soon-to-be wife’s where Roy is staying now) in Texas, and my internet friend Marie’s in South California and my cousin Jason’s (who is the executive director of the group the designed Call of Duty – I saw the first level on his big screen in his building in Los Angeles before the other levels were even made) as well as my other internet friend Wyatt in South Lake Tahoe in the middle of California. After that two weeks were pretty much done. We turned back, and drove through countless deserts, stretching for miles, and visited Nicole in Iowa (where I got drunk for the last time – I had to quit after how stupid I was that night) who is another internet friend of mine. All before we turned home.

Now, we’re thinking of doing it again. Last time we were able to do it because of a decently sized inheritance from my Grandmother (on my Dad’s side) and some further assistance along the way. This time, My boyfriend wants to go, and his income added to the pool is what is going to allow us to go this time. The only catch? Getting a full month off of work!

The guys at Hardcore Tattoos don’t like giving their employees any time off at all. Not even a single day much less an entire month. That’s why we plan to do it in September, because it’s the slowest month of the year for tattoos. Colleges, and high schools are getting started up for the year. The students are busy with new friends, old friends, new classes, old classes, paperwork, transportation scheduling, early-year parties, etc. But will Nikki go for it? It’s hard to say.

It’s also a full six months away. She’ll have plenty of time to find a temporary replacement for My boyfriend. But that’s exactly what My boyfriend is afraid of. What if they don’t want him back? I think it’s nonsense that they wouldn’t want him back. But My boyfriend has his fears because of what has happened to past employees. But here is how I look at it:

He’s (by far) the best artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most dedicated artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most responsible and reasonable employee at the shop.

And if they don’t want him anymore, he can take his talent elsewhere.

But he doesn’t want to look at it that way. He’s busy looking at the fact that Nikki is unreasonable, and so are his co-workers. They might not be logical and might fire him. Then he might be without work for days, or maybe even weeks or a couple months before finding another good job. I understand the fear, but I think it’s unbiased because Frank (Nikki’s husband) likes him so much. And he has a lot of clientele now who’d be looking for him if he was gone.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 2:31pm

Ayian,

You finally updated! I actually missed a lot of entries because you hadn't written for so long that I forgot to check there for a while. So I just had a delightful morning full of reading your writing.

I was the kid playing with Barbies, but incidently, I developed early, so when I was 9 I was the tallest and largest girl, so I still ended up bullying the boys whenever they teased me by chasing them around, hitting them, kicking them, pulling their hair. And then crying like a little spoiled princess that I was, lol.

On another note, I took dance classes for twelve years, and I still sucked. I learned more about how to dance on my own in the years since I quit then I did in those classes. The classes never taught me how to just feel the music and follow it. And I do get possessed by the music, but it doesn't always come out very attractive. I still love dancing though. I'd love to dance with you.

I took tap dance for seven years, but like I said, I wasn't taught to feel the beat. I just mimicked the steps as best as I could. But my timing was so terrible...

Anyway, I read way back, even re-reading several entries. I don’t mistake you for being older than me anymore. I can recognize you now in some odd way through your writing. Through your lessons and feelings. I want to meet you. Though I’m not so sure anymore what the point really is, since I likely can’t have you, and it would most likely be brief.

I’m (probably) going on another road trip. This time with my Dad and My boyfriend. In September. I don’t know how far you live into Canada, so I don’t know if it would be reasonable to see you or not. Oddly I feel compelled to type out that I love you, which is obviously crazy since we haven’t even met.

Anyway, if we’re to meet, then I’d need your exact address so I could map-quest it from the nearest planned stop on the road trip so I can see if we’d have time to strike north during the trip.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 11:36pm

I can’t say for sure or not if this is like me or not, but I’ve made a complete 180. (I suppose it’s like me, since I made a 180 degree turn in my emotions for Jeremy – when I first met him I hated him, was even disgusted by him.) I’ve made a 180 degree turn around on my emotions towards sex outside of my relationship. I’m starting to even question if I would want to have a threesome with a girl, though I haven’t told My boyfriend that yet.

I keep thinking about him fucking Michelle, and how she made him cum. It makes me queasy to think about it. The face he makes when he thinks about Rocsanne looks just like the face he made when he first met me... I feel so utterly ridiculous for feeling this way when a mere month ago I said that he could fuck whoever he wanted. (With a condom of course.) Just a mere month ago I called myself an understanding girlfriend who understood how sometimes other attractions happened.

I’ve been there. But the odd thing is, I grew out of that. (At least I think I have. I haven’t had a crush outside of a relationship since Jay, and that was mostly because of my utter disgust with Tre at the time.) I’m not interested in other sexual encounters that aren’t with My boyfriend anymore. Sexy strangers don’t attract me anymore. I’m just not interested. I don’t even doubt my power to turn down Tre if he showed up at my door anymore. I know I’d feel no temptation. I know because of how I feel now, because of how much deeper it is.

But what if My boyfriend is still in the same world I was in when I was 15? What if he is having full-blown crushes on girls? What’s the correct solution? I can’t make him feel any other way than how he feels, and after granting this privilege for so long, how is it affecting him to have it taken away?

I guess I know exactly how it’s affecting him. After he told me (grudgingly) that I could fuck Tre while I was on my trip, and then shortly thereafter told me I couldn’t, I was hurt for a while. Then I accepted it. And after I stopped talking to him altogether, I realized that my new life didn’t have room for other interests and fantasies besides My boyfriend, and I came fully to peace with that.

Why does his orgasm make it different? Why does thinking about him cumming in Michelle make all the difference? Why do I fucking care!

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 12:11am

I just had sex with my love. He got all worked up when I showed him how wet I got today – the evidence being a large puddle in my panties. He loves wetness. He left the computer area to go to the bed to masturbate. I kinda figured what he was up to, and I followed him and had sex with him. I wanted to do it anyway, I was just going to wait until a little later.

My boyfriend says I don’t have sex with him enough. He wants sex everyday without fail, especially if he’s going to keep coming come everyday. Okay, we just made an agreement. I’m allowed to miss one day a week (or four days in a month) of fucking him, and for every day over that (if I miss five days in a month) he can spend a day out with the boys that I won’t complain or anything. (If I miss six days in a month, he can go out two days that month, etc.)

I’m pleased with this agreement.

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 4:52pm

2/28/08 1:20AM Eastern Standard Time
Angel Writes Me:

Hey Atara,

Well I’m still digging out your past and I must say you are a very interesting person; so far from tedious, yes you are. I have some questions but can’t quite seem to find the right way to ask; it’s like… difficult to find the perfect words or something.

Anyways, I love your banners that you created. It’s amazing how you put them together by yourself; that’s another thing you excel at!! I recently read your most recent entry and I’m sorry that your Teen Social Club did not go the way you wanted it to go. It’s impossible to tame youths these days, I should know.

…

On a whole different subject; I feel pretty optimistic these days. I re-read some of the e-mails that I sent you months ago and I was shaken by the fact that all I ever did was cast my problems onto you but I couldn’t help it you know? I was completely friendless and lonesome. I wanted someone to spill my guts out to and I felt like I met you at such the perfect time because finally I had found someone who not only was a candid, loving, beautiful woman but also a terrific chick who gave out some helpful advice. You were practically the reason for my smile =) I want to thank you for actually listening to me and not being ignorant like most people here. I want to thank you for being straightforward and being very open. I can honestly make a long list of how brilliant you are but I rather not because it might never have an ending, Lol.

I noticed that most of my e-mails revolved around Darren. Well, Darren was being Darren you know? Did I ever mention that we broke up? Yeah, he was still with his ex (while he was with ME and get this, he was also with ANOTHER CHICK) so he had THREE chicks and well obviously he was enjoying it. I wasn’t upset about it at first because before I went on to the trip (his hometown for Winter Break) I asked God in prayer to give me the truth because I was sick and tired of the confusion and discontent I was receiving from that relationship. And the first day I spent there was when I caught him with his GF. That look on his face was completely priceless; he was trying to hide himself as if I couldn’t see him when he was right in the open, LOL. Later on it did it hit me and I didn’t cry but I dropped some tears. I felt as if I had just lost a friend and I did because he was the first real person I ever really considered a true friend. I confided in him with so much and he made me happy…. Now he’s trying to get me back, he’s calling me baby, constantly sends texts and calls me. I hate to say it but I don’t mind and that’s why my sister is mad at me. Everyone is telling me that I should be a bitch to him and treat him like shit because he deserves it and yes that’s true. I know for a fact that they’re right but even if I wanted to be mean to him, I just can’t. I can’t hate him for making a mistake and I shouldn’t hate him for being only human right? We all make mistakes and he just happened to be one of mine. I told him I don’t hate him and I forgive him… I want to leave him alone but it’s like I’m living off his company or something because he still makes me happy like he use to. I want to be able to consider him as a friend but he thinks the other way… I don’t want to leave him alone because like I stated before he’s the first closest person who seems like an actual friend and if I tell him to quit flirting then he might take it in a offensive way and leave me alone for good. All I want to be is his friend, specifically his best friend. That’s all I want to be to him but that’s hard to do because his feelings for me are… the same as they were ‘back then’….. I know we can be friends; it's possible but I know that he will make it impossible.... He still makes me hate myself *sigh*

Ugh but you know what? I also learned a lot from every thing in the past. All those mistakes I made and all those times I felt worthless made me very strong. I feel as if I’ve been reincarnated into this whole new person. I don’t complain about pointless crap anymore (most of the time, I should say). I don’t cry unless I have a real reason to cry. I don’t use sarcasm as much as I use to. I don’t cuss (I never really did) but I almost got into that type of behavior but luckily I got out unharmed! I was surrounded by so many bad influences that it almost took over my life. I almost believed that there was no meaning to life; that I was just some lifeless, stupid, overemotional crybaby. I realize now that life is life; every thing happens for a reason whether if we like it or not. It all happens because God knows that it’s best for us, even if we don’t think it is.

Basically, I feel a lot more mature. I have a long way to go and learn many, many new things but as for now I am just content with all the happiness, all the bullshit, and of course all the mistakes.

Well, I would love to hear from you; you know a 411? X] Oh and some advice on the Darren situation would be greatly appreciated!

2/28/08 4:54PM Eastern Standard Time
I Write Angel:

Angel,
It’s incredible to see how much you’ve grown in just a few months. I’m still growing up really fast, but not as fast as I was a few years ago. Right now you’re going through an expansive phase – I went through that phase for I’d say four years, two with Jeremy and two with Travanti. When I met My boyfriend, I was already “me” even though I wasn’t fully matured. I still don’t see myself as an adult even though others do.

I think hard relationships is a quick way to learn about life and to grow. My relationship with Travanti was stupid looking back on it, but the fact that I was willing to put up with all the crap he put me through back then just goes to show how much I had to learn yet. I wanted to be friends with Tre, just like you want to be friends with Darren. It might seem possible, and it might seem like a good idea, but there are more factors than just him and you, and his feelings and your feelings.

I’d like to be friends with Jeremy still to this day. Unfortunately, I can’t. The first and foremost reason that I can’t still be friends with Jeremy is because I know he still wishes things could have worked out between us. So it’s hard on him to see how happy I am in my relationship with My boyfriend. But there are two more (almost as large) reasons why him and I can’t be friends. Janet, and My boyfriend. Janet is his girlfriend, and they’ve been going out for the three years (almost four years now) since Jeremy and I broke up. Janet hates me because Jeremy continued to sleep with me while they were together (while Tre and I were together) for like a month. And then, after Tre and I broke up... Jeremy and I started hanging out again for a little while. So Janet thinks I’m a lying bitch... But really, she’s just not intelligent enough for Jeremy in my opinion. Anyway, all of that is besides the point. The point is, while I could be Jeremy’s friend without ever feeling tempted, Jeremy might not feel the same way, and My boyfriend and Janet don’t want us to be friends.

Same for Tre. While I could hang out with Tre without stirring up old feelings (if he actually lived in Buffalo, but he’s long-since gone), Tre probably couldn’t. Or even if he could, there is still Danya and My boyfriend to consider too.

Jeremy was like my first friend too, as well as my first love. I was Tre’s first love. But we can’t be friends because society just doesn’t work that way. The best thing to do (from my experience) is to find another boyfriend. Darren will get jealous if he sees you with another man, which is all the more reason not to have Darren around when you get a new boyfriend.

For me, each new man was a new learning experience. It may not be the best track for everybody, but my relationships brought me understanding, knowledge and maturity. The other girls just didn’t understand what I was going through. Some nineteen-year-old girls still haven’t ever been in a serious relationship. Some girls get married and have kids without discovering what they really want.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have found My boyfriend so early in my life. Some women get old, and die without ever being really loved they way they should be loved. (Some women never have an orgasm during sex! In fact, a lot of them don’t! And I think half the problem is that they’re not really in love.)

My point is, keeping Darren around might end up holding you back.

If it’s any consolation, while right now you might feel like you’ve made a truck load of mistakes over the past few years, and you may feel like life is going to be nothing but a path of failing, when you look back on it, all the mistakes fade away, and you only remember one or two major fuck-ups, but along with them, they’ll be one or two particular memories that are really happy, and one or two memories that are really funny, etc. Just in the last year with My boyfriend, my memories of Tre and Jeremy narrowed down to a hand-full of lessons and happy memories. I stopped dwelling on how stupid I acted, how silly I was, how naive I was. It starts to seem more and more natural that I did the things I did – I was young. I still am young!

One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you. We women adapt better then me do to our partner. We change often when they don’t. And when they don’t change at all, we change even more to compensate, or at least I do. I discovered after I broke up with Tre that I had become a whole other person while I was with him. I was lucky that I was able to change back again over time. I cursed a lot while I was with him, I smoked pot daily, most of the time I smoked multiple times in a day. I was constantly high, and I was gaining weight (slowly but surely), and I was stressed out a lot. I cried while he slept. I lost my sex drive towards the end entirely. I thought at the time that it was normal, that I was just getting older – I was only 17 and I had lost my sex drive! I think it was a combination of my anger towards him and the weed.

I was turning ghetto, and it was a scary thing for my parents. After I broke up with him it was like a dark cloud was lifted. I quit smoking weed (though not entirely until around five months later) and I quit drinking (in April of 2007) and I started to talk like I did before I met him (with the help of my mother’s daily influence) and I became interested in art, poetry and writing again anew. I started dancing again, I started living again. I fell in love again, and accepted that and went out with my new love (My boyfriend) on December 20th of 2006.

I tried to keep on talking to Tre over the phone, but it was causing a disruption in his life and in mine to keep talking to him. Sometime in May or June I think I stopped talking to him even on the phone. We both agreed that it was fucking up our lives to keep on talking. It made Danya and him argue, and it made My boyfriend and I argue. And after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn’t end. It kept turning, life moved on, I discovered that I didn’t miss him after all. I do get curious now and then, but not enough to try and find out what he’s up to these days.

So bare that in mind when you do find another man who you deem as worth your love. His morals and interests need to not conflict with yours. If he lies, and you consider lying unforgivable, then don’t give him the time of day, because over time, his ways will wear on you, and you might find yourself doing things you don’t approve of. If he steals, then he’s not worth it. If he cheats, then he’s not worth it. Even if he’s messy, then you might not want to bother, because would you marry a man who can’t pick up after himself at all? I don’t want to be a maid for life. I was so charmed when I saw My boyfriend fold his own clothing neatly for the first time.

As my mom said to me, a good way to know if a man is right for you is to imagine waking up next to him everyday. Imagine what your room would look like. Imagine how he’d be at the breakfast table with your kids. Imagine kissing him after he got home from work. You’ll know when you imagine those things if he’s right for you or not.

Anyway, I don’t mind. You can tell me anything you want. Everyone has problems, and it’s better to talk about your own problems than to talk about someone else’s. Isn’t it? It’s not gossiping if you’re talking about yourself.

That’s another thing I was thinking about as I was reading your letter. The older we get, the less self-centered we become. It’s kinda natural to be self-centered as a young teenager. You have so much to learn about yourself still. Only now am I really starting to become interested in other people’s lives. I mean, I cared when I was 14, 15, 16 etc, but I wasn’t truly interested and I suppose I didn’t have reason to be when I was so busy noticing myself change and grow.

It sounds to me like you’re on the right track. I appreciate your praise. Not many people bother to point out that I have good advice. Then again, many people don’t point out anything positive about anybody. Keep it up. I look forward to hearing from you.