October's End

Monday, October, 20th 2008 at 4:55pm

I probably should be taking a shower now while I can. Matt is supposed to stop by to say “hi” after all of this other obligations for the day are complete. In other words, around seven or so. Mom is picking up Karen from work, then going to salvation army to look for pants, and then picking up Dad from work, and they’ll both return around six o’clock. Aunt Mary, as far as I know, is sleeping after a long “day’s” work, which means that this right here is the hour that the bathroom is guaranteed to be unoccupied, and the water won’t be disturbed by dish-washing in Mary’s kitchen or Mom’s kitchen.
Besides, I need to shave my armpits. All this suckage lately has made my appearance a bit shabby. I took a shower yesterday, but I pretty much just washed my hair and face. I was tired and mostly wanted my hair to stop being flaky and tangly.
I wanted to go to Dibble and buy a “plastic sorting drawer thingy” but obviously the car is occupied and will be, and when it’s available Matt will probably be here, and I’ll be lazy, and it will be dark, and Dibble will probably be closed. I’m starting to get better enough to want to accomplish things, mainly organizing.
Aunt Mary is moving out in just a couple of weeks, and she’s already packed most of here things leaving the book shelves clear. (She’s leaving me the book shelves, fridge and stove all as gifts to me. Birthday and Christmas presents at once no doubt. And very much appreciated.)
I’m planning on taking all my bins of stuff out of storage, which is a total delight. All my kitchen ware (that I’ve been stocking for three years) finally will have a home. I’ll stack all the Mary Kay stuff on several of the shelves of the book shelves. I’ll also be moving all my books down there which will clear up a lot of shelves in here. When she actually moves then her bedroom will become the craft room and then all of my sewing, scrap booking, board game pieces, paints, markers, and other related items (glue gun, desk, etc) will move down there. Incidently, Mary’s bed room was my bed room up until the fire when I was fourteen.
After the fire, we moved into the apartment for nine months. Jeremy lived with us for six or seven of those months. Then he broke up with me. One week before I moved back into the house I met (and slept with) Tre. When I moved back in I moved “temporarily” into the “craft room” on the first floor. (It’s been more like “craft and holiday storage” since the fire and perhaps before.) When Tre moved in, we shared the twin bed in there, beside the sewing table with my stuff in bins.
Around six or seven months later we moved into the attic, my current room where I’ve been for about three years. Is that right? I was just fourteen when the fire happened, nine months in the apartment, that makes me almost fifteen. About nine more months down stairs makes me half way to sixteen, and three years makes nineteen. Yeah, that’s about right, since I’m three months away from between twenty.
In these three years I’ve laid the floor tiles, plastered, painted, built two complex shelving units, put up more drywall, plastered and painted some more, cleaned out the back of the attic, put down a carpet in the mid-section and on the stairs. The helpers came and went, the materials used came and went, even the men have changed since the project began. I’m the only constant in this creation of my marvelous and horrid creation. To think, I’ll be adding my own kitchen, dining room and my old bedroom to my domain. That’s something to look forward to.
I wish our house was in a different neighborhood. It doesn’t feel safe that I’ve put so much effort into a home that is located on the west side of Buffalo. So much time, so much effort, so much money... I guess that’s what life is, making things better where you are, investing yourself in improving your surroundings one way or another, and then eventually you leave your investments behind, either for necessity or for better prospects.
Thursday, October, 23rd 2008 at 4:10am

Whoa, I ought to be more tired than I am. I keep sleeping in. I need to get myself back in shape. I’m really getting around to recovering, about time the way I see it. I’ve been out of commission for since the FanExpo in the end of August when I think about it. I had a big cleaning spree after that, then Angel arrived and left, and after that it was all downhill.
Crusifer and I aren’t really interacting anymore it seems. I mean, we are, but just as little as the rest of the failing couples out there. We talk, but I feel like it never really penetrates deep enough anymore, like there is this film of ice between us. The lack of sex just further estranges us of course, which is a good insight into how we are without sex. I think we’re better in some ways... The obligation on my part is gone, the disappointment of not being able to please one way or another doesn’t come up, and there is no sexual rejection going on this way.
The problem is that our friendship is dead. There is no long talking into the night. There is no burst of energy at the sight of each other. There are no activities we look forward to doing together except eating and watching TV beside each other. One thing we don’t argue about is anime, thank goodness for that, right?
He’s promised (for the zillionth time) that he’s done drinking. I don’t chastise him for drinking much anymore. I generally say nothing, or I sigh and say “I thought you wanted to marry me.” It really depresses me that he’s smoking weed at least once a day, drinking at least once a week (sometimes skipping a week or two while he’s in a “quitting” phase.)
It seems that only jealousy provokes him to want to prove himself to me. First when I met Matt, and then again when I confessed to my “date” with Dave. Jealousy drives him to try to please me, but if that’s the only motivation I can give him then this ship is already long-since sunk. I’m still sad about the likelihood of us getting married and having a happy family, but I don’t really believe it’s going to happen. Sometimes I let my hopes get up there, but I never really believe it.
I’m still mourning our child in the back of my mind, along with all the dreams that come along with it. I had such a firm idea of what my life would be like with Crusifer, but now that’s all crumbled away. I saw how he behaved while I was pregnant, and that changed everything. No special treatment, no pampering, no back-rubs, no sympathy... Worse than that, he went out a lot, ignored me, made fun of me, and made me feel even worse and more neglected than I already was.
One really telling fact is that I begin to have a clear idea of where my life would go without Crusifer. No new “permanent” relationship for at least a few months. No more of this “one month single” and hop in bed and then try and hop into a life commitment. I know that for certain. No more winning men with sex appeal. I still want to home school my children and be a house wife but I’ve planted in my head the notion that I will go to college when I turn twenty-one, when college becomes practically free. (Tap & Pel)
Between now and then: Recover. Move into Mary’s apartment. Create Board Game. Finish living room, and attic construction. Find part time Job. Host Board-Game parties. And a year and a half from now, enter college. More or less in that order. Most of those things will overlap. All of that I plan on doing with or without Crusifer. It feels good to have plans that don’t depend on a man.
I told Crusifer I wouldn’t marry him unless he quit drinking for at least six months. He keeps saying “I hope you still love me in six months,” as part of his new “quitting” regime. I told him today, “I’ll start to believe you after it’s been a month. Hopefully you won’t just crush my heart as soon as I believe you.” The real question is: does not drinking for six months really mean that he’s “safe” to marry?

Friday, October, 24rd 2008 at 1:03pm

Critique on deviant art: (http://rosepetals07.deviantart.com/art/Mermaid-99479948) Well, since you asked, I'll tell. The fingers are long enough, but the hand is not. The arm is almost right, but not quite. The lower part of the upper arm is bent, if you imagine drawing the bones in it, they would be snapped. You should be able to draw a straight line from the center of the elbow to the center of the wrist. When you draw that line on this picture, it doesn't travel through the center of the arm. The arm length is about right, one trick I always try to remember is that the deepest indent of the waist is exactly where the elbow comes to. To make your picture less awkward, I would say that the arm should rest against the body, the elbow tucked right into her waist, and then we should hardly see the forearm at all due to foreshortening. The other arm, the one she is leaning on is fine all except for the thumb. Try to put your thumb in that position while keeping your palm on the ground... It won't happen. The midsection of the body is wonderfully shaded, but in that position, any woman, unless she has rock solid abs, will hang a bit, moving the belly button down just slightly from where you put it. The breasts are very accurate. The right collar bone is out of place assuming that darker area was indicating the right collar bone. The collar bone placement can be determined by drawing two straight lines down the neck from the chin (assuming the chin is facing forward, if not, pretend it is) stopping a hand-span above the armpit. That is where the collar bones begin, and then end just on top of the shoulder, but we don't generally see the top of the bone on women. On men, you may actually get a hook on top of the shoulder, like Muse has. The face is well shaded and proportioned, but the eyes could use a white spot to give them spark. My advice on the fin is quite simple: study fish. If you take a look at photos of fish you'll find all sorts of nifty ideas. Cool fish have more than one boring stereotypical fin. Look at angelfish for example. Also study the angling. Here is one of my mermaids: http://phoenix-muse.deviantart.com/art/Enchanted-Mermaid-97425014 Notice she actually has legs. You can get creative with mermaids. Hope this helps. ~Phoenix

Message to someone who said it was cool that I’m making a board game: I wish I could say beta was running now. It's a very complex board game, for hardcore gamers. I'm so tired of thirty and forty minute games that you get no gratification out of winning and shrug when you lose because it was mostly luck anyway. The board game I'm making uses over 2000 cards, over 500 pieces, a large board, and tons of strategy. All those cards take a lot of designing, and for my beta pieces I've bought tons of wooden pieces online and have been painting them. I've actually been working on it for over a year now. I would have finished long-since but my first version of the cards turned out to be a low resolution that wasn't printable which called for a whole new design, and by the time I got everything started again I had new ideas I wanted to incorporate. When the game is published however, every site I've ever had an account on will know. Thanks for the support.

I was hoping that Matt would come by today, but no word from him thus far. I was also thinking I should go grocery shopping, but for some reason I squandered the hours in which I could have been doing that web-designing. It’s two-thirty now, and I’m pretty sure the car will be occupied all day.
I’m feeling really sluggish after all that html coding. I was up late last night doing it, and then I started up again first thing today.
Well, the bruise from the injection from the abortion is gone as of now. The last bit of the scab just flaked off and the discolored is gone too. It looked pretty nasty there for days. A whole week. It feels like it’s been an eternity since it happened already.
Friday, October, 24rd 2008 at 8:04pm

Crusifer,
Do you remember when you cut a slice of green pepper for me when we were making eggs recently? I felt loved at that moment. You thought of a possible desire, or perhaps you thought deeper, about my personal well-being, and handed to me, as though you were my mother. I remember a time when I flounced onto the bed to watch something with you and then remembered I hadn’t gotten a bottle of water, and before I even said anything, you were already handing it to me, you had remembered.
Do you remember the tiny note you put in my keyboard? The one that just said “I love you.” It was so small, so cute, so well hidden in plain site sitting there between the keys. I smiled, perhaps I giggled too, I don’t remember. I kept it, you know. Do you remember the note you wrote me and didn’t give me because you were embarrassed? The one I found stashed away in your back-pack one day when cleaning and sorting through a bunch of things... It was so sweet, nothing to be embarrassed about at all.
Do you remember our one year anniversary when you cut open your finger to sign the paper in blood? You really cut it open too, as if you were on Naruto or something. Those moments showed character, and showed me a husband...
I’m afraid my husband-to-be however has gotten buried under a nasty infested cloak. This cloak seems to have evil transformitive powers to make you say things like, I “have no allies” and that I’m “weak” and “retarded.” This evil cloak seems to believe the worst of me because it doesn’t understand love.
Perhaps when I say, “I’d never just disappear because something else sounded like more fun,” you don’t believe me because your evil cloak is perfectly willing to ditch anyone or anything for something that sounds more entertaining at the moment. Why would you believe me to be virtuous if you don’t believe it of yourself?
You don’t cherish the things I’ve given you the same way I cherish those things you’ve given to me, and it makes me wonder... It makes me sad.
I don’t know your identity anymore. I feel completely alone after you leave, unable to comfort myself with surety between us, unable to console my mind with untainted thoughts of us. I wrote you an e-mail last week... You didn’t even want to read it. You dismissed it... So why do I keep writing? You know why... Because I love you, and even this nasty cloak you wear hasn’t been able to break the spell.




My relationship with Crusifer is seeming to improve, but I still doubt.

The board game I'm creating is under way! I made new quest cards today!

The house is moving along still at it's turtle's pace. Mom has tracks in for the shelf supports for the living room shelving unit.



Sunday, October, 26th 2008 at 4:39pm

Crusifer is outside smoking a blunt with El and Connie. His half-finished second beer is on the table, open, beside his open laptop with Call of Duty IV left up. I approve of none of the things I’ve just stated, but hey, what can I do anyway but bitch about it? I really don’t “bitch” about these things anymore like I used to. I don’t get angry when he leaves. I don’t cry. Just this familiar sadness comes over me, and I remind myself that I’m not marrying someone who does these things.
He’s been saying adamantly that he’s going to quit for quite some time. That’s a laugh, isn’t it? Really, come now, I’m supposed to believe that? Two beers today, and two this past Thursday. This is why I stopped keeping the chart of all of his time and activities and our activities together. Why bother? I’ve known since I stopped the chart at any given time if things were bad or good, or proving it to him is irrelevant. If I’m forced to give up on him, and he doesn’t understand why, then oh well. Shit happens, right?
He says to me, “I cherish you, I don’t think you see that. I don’t just love you, but I cherish you. You’re my ace.” I didn’t even feel special or warm or fuzzy when he said this. How can I when he’s shooting people in his game and taking a swig of his beer and five minutes later departing down the stairs to go smoke a blunt. How can I take him seriously? How can I take our relationship seriously? How can I take myself seriously? How can I take life seriously? You see this vicious circle of emotions I’m in, eh?
Today hasn’t been a bad day at all. It may sound like it from that, but that’s just my residual sadness coming out in writing. In fact, it’s been a good weekend. I’m recovering, I started working on the board game again on Friday, as well as making new websites. I took pictures of things I want to put on e-bay this week as well. Saturday Matt came over and hung out with me. We talked for a long time, just enjoying each other’s company. I regret deeply not being able to talk like that with Crusifer anymore.
I’m guilty. I’m doing what the rest of the world is doing and filling up the gap that my relationship doesn’t fill with other people and things. I hate myself for doing it. I hate that I’m talking to Matt about all the things I want to talk about with Crusifer. I hate that I’m working on my board game alone. I hate that I share my visions of my future life with me, myself and I and can’t expect Crusifer to share my dreams with me. I can’t “logically” say that anything is wrong with my life, but that deep pull inside my chest lets me know things aren’t right.
Just between me and you... (It’s almost personal, having this thing locked and having so few people read it, eh?) Matt wonders why I don’t go back out with Jeremy. Mary once asked me why I didn’t do that, back before I met Crusifer. Sometimes, I wonder why I don’t. I have a bunch of superficial reasons, but they are just that; superficial. I suppose it’s because I fell in love with Crusifer, and because I have no reason to fall back in love with Jeremy. Probably that simple, really. Who knows what the future will bring, eh?
What’s with me and “eh” in this entry? Crusifer and I went grocery shopping. Then I asked him to pull over on Germain street and park in the dead end. We walked down the path next to the park in front of the town boys and girls club. I walked down memory lane with him showing him exactly where that girl bunched my teeth out when I was eleven. It looks different now. They took out the dirt trail I always used to go down. I’m sad it’s gone. I wanted to walk down it again, but now there is grass and then a drop, and then dirty water. No dirt trail through trees and foliage.
Just after we got home my mom called me and said her and Mary were stranded because Mary left her headlights on. I heroically told Crusifer I could do it myself, drove the few miles, parked head to head with her car, and we got it started in just a few moments. I drove mom back, no need for her to drive. I’m starting to prefer my own driving, and it’s freaking me out. I like that I drive nice and slowly. We’re all stopping at the same red-light anyway, so why come up to it faster and jerk the car? I hate it when people do that. Waste of gas, less safe, uncomfortable and completely pointless. Like drugs.
I’m not very optimistic about my relationship, but life in general... Perhaps it’s not so bad.


Monday, October, 27th 2008 at 2:25am

Mary wrote me the following at eight o’clock in the afternoon:
“I don't know if your mother told you or not but I am going back to school for my Master's Degree in HealthCare Management via on line? I was accepted today and approved for a student loan today. I start Nov 25th.”
I wrote back just now:
“That's awesome. I'm happy for you. You know that I plan on going to college after I turn 21 and tap and pell cover me, right? In the year between now and then I hope to finish my board game, publish it as well as getting a part time job. What do you plan to do after you finish your Masters? Mom talked to me today about taking classes to become an elementary school teacher. I think it's a good idea, I'd learn a lot about a bunch of interesting topics. Besides, if I'm serious about home-schooling my children it gives me a position that can't be questioned by the board of education, because I'm qualified.
“So are you really moving out on November first? I'm planning on using the new space to have game nights weekly on the dining room table. I hope to find a good table at amvets or salvation army or habitat for humanity. You know I found my desk at amvets for $40, and that little coffee table I have I found for either $10 or $15, I forget which, at one of those three. Both very nice items. So I hope to find a decent dining room table for a similar price.”

Crusifer is on his computer playing Call of Duty IV again, I assume. He says he can’t sleep because I “hate him” so he says. I don’t hate him, but I suppose if he wants to look at it that way it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I feel like nothing matters.



























Monday, October, 27th 2008 at 7:56pm

I generally never do this, because song lyric entries generally suck. But this isn’t your average song lyric entry. What I’m about to compose is a bunch of lyrics put together in such a way that isn’t repetitive and is exactly how I feel, with everything I don’t agree to taken out, so it’s almost like just reading another of my entries, or so I hope. Let me know what you think.

[Aly & AJ; potential break-up song]

It took to long for you to call back, And normally I would just forget that;
Except for the fact it was my birthday; My stupid birthday.

I played along, rolled right off my back, but obviously my armor was cracked.
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that? Who would forget that?

The type of guy who doesn’t see; What he has until she leaves;
Don’t let me go. Cause without me, you know you’re lost;
Wise up now or pay the cost. Soon you will know...

You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’ – Livin’ with me. You’re not winnin’ till you’re winnin’ – Winnin’ me.
You’re not gettin’ till you’re gettin’ – Gettin’ to me. You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’ – living for me.

This is the potential breakup song...

We got along until you did that; Now all I want is just my stuff back
Do you get that? et me repeat that; I want my stuff back.

Wthout me, you know you’re lost; Minus you I’m better off.

You can try, you can try; You know I know it’d be a lie.
Without me you’re gonna die; So you better think clearly, clearly;
Before you nearly, nearly; Mess up the situation that your gonna miss dearly, dearly...

This is the potential breakup song; Oh baby please, Please tell me...
This is the potential make-up song; please just admit you’re wrong. Which will it be?

[Beyonce; all the single ladies]

Decided to dip but now you wanna trip; Cuz another brother noticed me.
I’m up on him, he up on me; don’t pay him any attention.
Cried my tears, for three good years; Ya can’t be mad at me.

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it; Don’t be mad once you see that he want it.

I need no permission, did I mention; Don’t pay him any attention.
Cuz you had your turn; But now you gonna learn; What it really feels like to miss me.

Don’t treat me to the things of this world; I’m not that kind of girl, Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve. He’s a man that makes me then takes me, And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond; Pull me into your arms, Say I’m the one you own, If you don’t, you’ll be alone; And like a ghost I’ll be gone.

[Beyonce; if I were a boy]

If I were a boy; Even just for a day; I’d roll outta bed in the morning; And throw on what I wanted then go. Drink beer with the guys; And chase after girls; I’d kick it with who I wanted; And I’d never get confronted for it. Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy; I think I could understand; How it feels to love a girl. I swear I’d be a better man. I’d listen to her, Cause I know how it hurts; When you lose the one you wanted, Cause he’s taken you for granted, And everything you had got destroyed...

If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, Tell everyone it’s broken, So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone. I’d put myself first. And make the rules as I go, Cause I know that she’d be faithful, Waitin’ for me to come home.

It’s a little too late for you to come back. Say its just a mistake. Think I’d forgive you like that. If you thought I would wait for you; You thought wrong.

(This is the part where the roles switch. The guy says;) You know when you act like that; I don't think you realize how it makes me look; or feel.

(Beyonce says;) Act like what. Why are you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy.

(Male & Beyonce; roles switch.) What?

(The guy says;) I said yo; Why are you so jealous? It aint like I'm sleepin’ with the girl.

But you’re just a boy; You don’t understand. Yeah you don’t understand. How it feels to love a girl someday... You’d wish you were a better man. You don’t listen to her, You don’t care how it hurts, Until you lose the one you wanted, Cause you’ve taken her for granted, And everything you have got destroyed, But you’re just a boy...

[Flyleaf; breathe today]

You try your hardest to perfect your explanations... You lie until they've run out of questions

You can only move as fast as, Whose in front of you, And if you assume, Just like them, What good will it do, So find out for yourself; So your ignorance, Will stop bleeding through.

Only one thing; Big enough to fill the void that’s inside of you;
It's just a breath away. You can breathe today.

So many lies swirling, All around you, You're suffocating, The empty shape in you, Steals your breath, You're suffocating.

Logic forces me to believe in this, And I have learned to see, And I can only say what I've seen and heard, And only you can choose, And every choice you make will effect you, Suit your own self.


Big enough to fill the void that's inside of you,
It's just a breath away.

[Alica Keys; if I anit got you]

Some people live for the fortune, Some people live just for the fame, Some people live for the power, Some people live just to play the game, Some people think that the physical things; Define what's within; And I've been there before; But that life's a bore; So full of the superficial...

Some people want it all, But I don't want nothing at all, If it ain't you baby, If I ain't got you baby, Some people want diamond rings, Some just want everything, But everything means nothing, If I ain't got you...

Some people need three dozen roses; And that's the only way to prove you love them; Hand me the world on a silver platter; And what good would it be; With no one to share; With no one who truly cares for me...

If I ain't got you with me baby; So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing; If I ain't got you with me baby...

[Christina Agulara; Fighter]

When I, thought I knew you. Thinking, that you were true. I guess I, I couldn't trust. Call your bluff time is up. 'Cause I've had enough, You were, there by my side. Always, down for the ride. But your, joy ride just came down in flames. 'Cause your greed sold me out of shame.

You probably think that I hold resentment for you. But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong. 'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do. I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you.

'Cause it makes me that much stronger; Makes me work a little bit harder; It makes me that much wiser; So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster; Made my skin a little bit thicker; Makes me that much smarter; So thanks for making me a fighter.

Never, saw it coming. All of, your backstabbing. Playing, the victim now. But don't, even begin. Feeling I'm the one to blame. 'Cause you dug your own grave.

After all of the fights and the lies. If it wasn't for all of your torture; I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down. So I wanna say thank you.

How could this man I thought I knew; Turn out to be unjust so cruel? I could only see the good in you... Pretended not to see the truth. You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself. Through living in denial...

[Justin Timberlake; what goes around... comes around]

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man? You know I gave you the world. You had me in the palm of your hand. I just can't seem to understand. Thought it was me and you babe. Me and you until the end. But I guess I was wrong.

Don't want to think about it. Don't want to talk about it. I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way... Just so confused about it. Feeling the blues about it. I just can't do without ya. Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around... That you were gonna make me cry. I know that you're living a lie. That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around... Comes all the way back around.

Let me paint this picture for you, baby; You spend your nights alone; And he never comes home; And every time you call him; All you get's a busy tone. I heard you found out, That he's doing to you, What you did to me; Ain't that the way it goes.

And now you want somebody; To cure the lonely nights; You wish you had somebody; That could come and make it right. But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy. You'll see.

I thought I told ya. What goes around comes back around. You should've listened to me, baby. Because what goes around comes back around

































Wednesday, October, 29th 2008 at 12:17pm
Angel wrote me yesterday:
Ugh, that must suck. Hmm, I used to hate that also. I just never really expected anything at all from Darren so in the end I wouldn't wind up disappointed and hurt.
Life here is not going good at all. My sister's boyfriend (who is a complete a-hole) beat her up and she still went back. I hate that. She deserves so much more than that. Whenever he's not around, he'll try to get with me and I informed her about that but she pushed it aside. I miss her; she and I were having so much fun together (She moved back with us but after he beat her up, she went back, who knows why) Honestly, to me it just seems like love is corrupted or something. Why must we love the ones who hurt us? I feel like love has lost its total meaning. *sigh*
Anyway, tomorrow is my first day at the academy and I'm not really looking forward to it. It's like this every time. At first, I'm so enthused about something but when that day finally arrives, it's like I lost all my excitement. -_-
Everything is just going wrong, or so it seems. My family is battling their own issues and my friends are having their own problems as well... it's just scary.
I have not spoke to my uncle yet. I wanted to know the price before I speak with him about it.... it's easier to have a handful of facts when you're about to converse something important with someone, you know? I feel like escaping this place as well. It's good that I'll be going back to a public school just so I will be away from home for a few good hours. That will be my "fresh air of this pollution." *sigh*

I write back:
Unfortunately, I always found school to have it's own pollution. Some people manage to turn sour air into fresh air by keeping themselves relaxed and by helping those around them stay calm and clear headed as well, but that's not an easy thing to do. Others just join the pollution around them because they find it easier to go with it than to fight it. Obviously that's not a good way to go. And most of us, try to squeeze in enough "down time" and fun in between all the suckage so that we don't completely fall apart. Some great ways to do that are by taking a walk, taking a bath, pretending to sleep while really meditating, writing, and reading. All of those bring you back to the world with a slightly different perspective than before. Those activities force you to think about things in a truer light, sort of like sleeping.
It does seem as though it's the end of the world right now. The economic crisis, global warming, the republican party's depravities, the ignorance of the common man, the poor health epidemic, the over-consumption of crappy products... All of that on a large scale, and then down on the smaller scale there are all the people stuck in the ordinary gutters. I don't think I even want to try and list those things off, it would just be depressing. This comes back to either fighting the good fight, ignoring the fight, or fighting the bad fight. Most people ignore it, and very few really fight to make this world a better place. I guess we should all be "going green" right?
...I don't think Crusifer even looks at the larger scales, and that's a little depressing to me. I think his own personal worries trump everything else to the point where he can’t even look at the people around him objectively. (If I use any words that you don’t know what they mean, by all means, ask.)
Oh, right, you did ask about the price and such, didn’t you? I forgot about that. I honestly don’t know, I suspect it was around $300, but I’d have to ask my mom. If it’s done far enough beforehand and done on week-days then it may come down lower than that. It also may be cheaper in the winter than in the summer, but that’s just a guess. I suppose along that same thought, any time in December is bad, because of all the Christmas traveling.
I hope school isn’t bad. On that note, I’d say to remember that school is for learning, not for having fun, so if you’re not having fun, remind yourself that you’re supposed to be filling up on knowledge, and ignore anybody who wants to distract you from that.

Wednesday, October, 29th 2008 at 12:29pm

I’m really starting to feel like myself again. The whole being pregnant thing, and Crusifer and I battling it out, and then the abortion, and then the post-effects and so-forth has all been one trip through hell, and I’m glad to be back, and honestly, I’m glad I’m not pregnant. Crusifer, clearly isn’t ready, and I’m not ready to have a baby with any man who isn’t ready to have one with me.
I’m really doing things again, and it feels good... I just wish I could be rid of this underlying sadness... I hate having to remember that Crusifer isn’t acting like a suitable partner. Soon enough I’ll be able to face the whole truth of him, but not yet I think. I still want to give him that chance to prove himself, but I don’t believe anything will come of it. I guess it’s coming down to not having anything better at this point, and that’s just sad.
The flash in time where I decided to talk to a bunch of random guys online is passed. That didn’t make me feel good or introduce me to anybody worth meeting. I just wish things could work. Guess that’s a classic one, eh? Sitting on my ass wishing for things to work instead of getting up and walking away when it’s clearly not. I’m scared still. I don’t want to leave him and be miserable. I also don’t want to hurt him, as stupid as that probably sounds.

































Thursday, October, 30th 2008 at 7:41pm

My mom just tried to set me up to talk to my dad. Then she tried to lecture me about the amount of chlorine in carrots isn’t enough to matter. Now Crusifer is trying to tell me that...

Thursday, October, 30th 2008 at 8:50pm

I have the document that I write in password protected. The password is “marryme” which is a unique password that I don’t use for anything else (otherwise I wouldn’t mention it in my blog). I made that password because I wanted Crusifer to know how I felt before he would even look at this document. Not that he peeps my documents. He doesn’t even read my blog.
I don’t even want to bother to write about the things that happened today. Isn’t saying that I’m angry enough? I suppose it isn’t. Angry... I suppose I’m not angry anymore, it’s starting to fade into something else. But why? Isn’t that always the question...
He lied to me twice today. He told me he wanted to go to the store to get some food; some snacks. I told him I’d cook for him. He asked, “why don’t you make something while I’m gone?” I told him if he left I wasn’t cooking for him. As I knew, he wasn’t getting food, he was getting another two beers. I knew it was either that, or weed. I didn’t know which, but either way, I knew it wasn’t “snacks.”
He lied to me, straight to my face, knowing he was lying. I agreed to go with him to hang out with El and Britney. They’re painting walls or something, and that sounded more interesting than the usual, so I said we might as well go. I told him I was driving. He argued it out for a bit, and then I mentioned that he said he hated driving and wished I would drive him around, and then he agreed. He got into the driver’s seat less than ten minutes later and told me he just said that so I’d shut up.
I got into the passenger’s seat. He starts driving like he’s crazy, and I told him to let me out. I got out, and I walked back. I’m pretty pissed to say the least, but not angry I guess. It’s more like a dark sickness inside my stomach that I feel... It’s over I guess. How can I let this continue? How can I let him rape me like this? That’s what’s happening here. I’m being used.
But we haven’t had sex in all this time... I keep hoping. I also keep crying. Even he said it, I’ve been miserable for practically the last year. One dream at a time... Wither. Away.
I’m going to pull away now... Start to rely on myself. I have to. I. Have. To. Like driving. Like working, though I haven’t succumbed to that one yet. I suppose I actually have though. I’m already looking at it as a part of the near future... I’m so lost in my own self-pity. I’m suffocating with it.















Friday, October, 31st 2008 at 9:50pm

In just a few hours nanowrimo begins, also known as National Novel Writing Month. The goal? One-hundred and seventy-five pages, or more commonly put as fifty-thousand words. That’s a 1700 every day of the month. I usually write about 700 words in the space of half an hour if I’m writing fairly fluently. So that is 142 hours needed, which is four hours a day. Whew, that’s a lot, but what did I expect? Obviously, to really do it I’m going to need to really work my ass off on it. I barely even know what I want the book to be about. I don’t intend to write the novel I’ve worked on over and over for like three years now. I have too many contradicting thoughts and ideas about where I want that to go, and too little idea how to make it all work.
I should start outlining some of my ideas more clearly so I can begin at midnight, ha. Won’t this be a crazy mess? I guess that’s the idea when you’re doing quantity over quality.

Sunday, November, 2nd 2008 at 10:59am

The day hasn’t even begun yet and I already wish I was still asleep. I was having warm and comfortable dreams of cuddling and comfort and happiness. Strange dreams for me indeed. Or at least I was, until the phone rang at about 10am. And then, like a cat after a mouse, Crusifer is gone. And despite his promises of return... I’ve gotten less attention than his phone call or his computer this morning already, as usual I suppose. Why do I expect anything different? Perhaps it’s worse in contrast to such fluffy dreams. What on earth is my mind thinking to let me be all happy in my sleep?
Okay, this is all a bunch of drama writing, and I need to lay-off the drama writing and do more nanowrimo writing. I’ve got around 3500 words so far, which means I only have 46500 left to go! Can anybody say “woot”? I’m glad I’m doing this for myself and not for anybody else, otherwise I’d probably have already given up.
I already know mom is too busy to care about much of anything I do unless what I do assists her. Crusifer doesn’t care about anything I do unless is disturbs his computer usage or unless it will mean not having sex, or something along those lines. Like now, I’m sure he doesn’t give a damn what I’m doing as he sits there all quiet at his computer. And well, I have Matt’s support for the actual writing of the words, but I doubt he’d read it when it was done. Then again, would I read his? I don’t know.
I’m being ignored. Well, I suppose I’m not really being ignored so much as I’m not being paid attention to. I should just go make my apple, sausage and yams myself, even if it takes me over an hour and leaves me with sore wrists. (Peeling and slicing both yams and apples is a hell of a lot of effort, especially since they bake down, so you need to make a lot just to have a little.)