Mid October

2008-10-06 18:16:18 Tater Comments:
I dumped my first husband because he was an alcoholic and I couldn't watch him self-destruct any longer. I never have regretted leaving him. My 2nd husband and I mutually agreed upon divorce. We basically fell out of love, ended up being just friends mostly and it seemed ridiculous to be married. I don't regret this either. We are still friends to this day. Larry and I are doing really, really well. We have been through so much trauma together and it makes us closer and we appreciate each other. We are just comfortable around each other..I can't imagine not being with him. Being pregnant is an added bonus and has brought us even closer. We have had our share of problems but we've managed to work things out. Relationships do take some work, but they shouldn't be as full of resentment as I see you feeling towards Crusifer...things should just be good naturally...if it is THAT difficult, it wasn't meant to be, I don't think! Also, you can't expect someone to change the way they are..it doesn't happen..all you can do is work on yourself.

Monday, October, 6th 2008 at 10:05pm

Tater,
I couldn’t really ask for better advice. It shouldn’t be this hard, but sometimes I wonder if it’s me who is making it so hard. What if Crusifer is the one for me, but I’m the one who needs to wake up and do something differently? I guess that’s my real question; how do you know if you’ve got the right guy but you’re doing everything all wrong?
I guess another part of reluctance to give up (aside from one month short of two years of history) is that I was changing so much while I was with Jeremy, but Jeremy didn’t see it, so he gave up on me and left. I resented that he didn’t see me changing. And in the end he wished he hadn’t left me.
I keep wondering if the same thing might be happening to Crusifer. What if he is changing, but I don’t know it? And beyond that, he doesn’t need to become a different person in order for this to work. I see the person I love all the time, the person I want to be there for, the person I’d be happy to spend my life with, but then he’ll go and do things that are just so inconsiderate. It completely confounds me.
However, I feel like more and more he is becoming a better “self” but not a better “partner.” He’s becoming a better tattoo artist, a better person, but he’s becoming a more detached partner. I feel like I don’t really connect with him anymore most of the time. I’m starting to feel like it’s already over or something, and that’s the worst part.
I don’t feel like this year’s holiday season is going to go well in this house. I feel like a total dweeb at the moment, for lack of a better word.

2008-10-07 02:49:24 Hallie’s Answers

Q: How do you know if you're not compatible with someone? A: You know it's not working when you're having problems in your relationship that stem from the interaction between the two of you (as opposed to external factors). If your relationship is going through a rough patch because you just lost your job, you have no reason to think you're incompatible. If your relationship is going through a rough patch because your partner reacts to your unemployment by pressuring you or being mean instead of helping or being supportive (or whatever it is you need) then the problem is incompatibility.
Q: What if just a few small changes will make a relationship work? A: If they're changes YOU can make, make them. If that doesn't work, then it isn't something a small change can fix. If they're changes your partner needs to make, ask once (maybe twice) and then give up. People generally don't change on anyone's time line but their own.
Q: And how do you know that if all the guys before were no better, than someone more compatible exists or is interested? A: The world is big. It has many, many people. Life is long, and you will come in contact with a lot of people. Someone who's better for you almost certainly exists. Personally, I just took it on faith and turned out to be right.
Q:You make it sound so simple, but how can I just say "well, this isn't perfect, so goodbye" and expect to find someone better? A: Wrapping your head around it may not be simple. Working up the nerve may not be simple. Getting comfortable with the idea may not be simple...but doing it is. You say "goodbye".


This will take some serious thought...
Tuesday, October, 7th 2008 at 4:32pm

I guess that only leaves one question. How do I know if I’m the one making everything so difficult? What if I was the one being unsupportive and inconsiderate but just didn’t realize it? I feel like too much shit to think about more shit...

JUST TWO THINGS: 1. Do it. 2. Send it.

Two Names You Go By:

1. Cheanna
2. Atara

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

1. Pink pants
2. Pink tank top

Two Things You Want in a relationship:

1. To feel loved and special
2. To make my partner feel loved and special

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:

1. Read a good book
2. Play a good game

Two Things You Want Very Badly at the Moment:

1. To be perfectly healthy
2. To not have anything to worry about

Two pets you had/have:

1. Serena (a cat I have now)
2. Shadow (a cat I had when I was very young)

Two people who will fill this out:

1. Crusifer... maybe...
2. Matt... possibly...

Two things you did last night:

1. Cried.
2. Stayed up too late.

Two Things you ate last night:

1. Organic granola with almond milk.
2. Organic yogurt chips.

Two people you talked to last night:

1. Crusifer.
2. Matt on IM.

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. Feeling like shit.
2. Feeling like crap.

Two longest car rides

1. From Buffalo to Georgia to California and back. (Took three weeks, longest stretch was about twenty hours straight.)
2. Possibly to Texas and back as a kid, but I don’t remember it. Maybe Ottawa, that was nine hours.

Two favorite holidays:

1. Christmas
2. It’s a toss up between Halloween (excuse to dress very goth), Thanksgiving (excuse to eat a lot), and my birthday (excuse to do as I damn well please all day.)

Two Favorite Beverages:

1. Tea with raw honey
2. Orange Juice or Water
Copy and past, delete my answers, type your own. You know the drill. Send it to friends and family who’ll enjoy, especially the person who sent it to you. The “theory” is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those whom you know.

Tuesday, October, 7th 2008 at 7:13pm

I’d almost rather die than do what I have to do this week. I just called Crusifer, because he should be the very first to know. Of course I suspected, but nothing like a pregnancy test to give you the “positive” in the words of a blue line. I read all the instructions fully, and it said that a negative could be a mistake, but that a positive was a positive and that it might show before two minutes. It took about one minutes and the control line and the pregnancy line were both there.
I’m disgusted with myself and this world on such a deep level that I’m calmly dangerous right now.
I say, “So I'm pregnant and have to get an abortion, and wish I was dead.”
He says, “Whoa. That's heavy.” (Who he is isn’t relevant in this case.)
“Indeed,” I agree. “I just now (less than ten minutes ago) took the pregnancy test. a positive is a positive.”
“How's Cor taking it?” He asks.
“It's not the same for a man, all he's worried about is the cost of the abortion. The only reason not to keep it is the fact that nobody can afford it. And the fact that we're not married. But if he could have been sober and more interested, we would have been married in April, and I would have kept it damn it. Now sometime soon I'll be laying on some table with a doctor sticking me in the arm and putting me to sleep so he can stick things in me and scrape up my insides until it all comes out. And then they'll put me on pills so I don't get an infection and tell me not to take a bath or have sex or use tampons for at least a week.
“I looked it up.
“The alternative? Pay another $200 and sit on the toilet for six hours at home crying while your body pushes it out and you feel like you're bleeding to death. The other option? Refuse abortion, defy my parents and Crusifer, get kicked out, get a job, spend the next nine months pregnant and have a little mixed baby as an accident.”
He says, “A painful choice.”
An understatement at best, but what can be said for it all anyway? I have to do what I have to do or suffer the consequences of not doing, which is making a choice if not making an action.
“I'm not a happy camper,” I say dully, “In addition, I'm actually dealing with pregnancy symptoms and I'm only at three weeks. I've felt like shit for the past two weeks, and at best have felt "odd" for the past three. I can barely eat, or walk. Standing makes me sweat bullets. Climbing the stairs makes me dizzy. The only thing that could make this worse is Crusifer dumping me over it.
“Of course he won't. He's not that type. He's at least a loyal partner, if not the most understanding. He'd stick with me even if I kept it, but that's only an option if I want to raise another buffalo hoodlum in public schools while I work some shit-face job.”
“What am I supposed to feel, other than sympathy? I suppose I could be disappointed. I guess I am,” he says.
“I donno. I didn't really think about how you'd feel. I'm a little bit busy having a lot of feeling of my own. Join the club. I can't name very many people who are not disappointed in me, and that was before this.”
“You don't have to be concerned about my feelings. I don't want you to be. At least I'm not being judgmental about it. I mean, I could. Hell I could write you off. But. Seems I have just too much compassion to be a nihilist.” he says.
“I'm not sure how much of a difference it makes regardless. All this serves for is notes for the future. Pregnancy sucks. Finances suck. People suck. Life sucks. And now I really believe I'm right about having my first before I'm twenty-five.... If I'm this weak and pitiful at three weeks, imagine me at three months. I'm not trying to go through that as a woman passing her prime.
“Stupid system.
“In the DDP, I could have my baby. But of course, but my little utopia design is about as useless as my childhood stories of barbies with powers...”
“I suppose believing in a utopia is a bit naive,” he says.
“Believing it could be created from this disaster is naive, believing it could exist is having enough ideas to knowledge of your surroundings to know you could make one given the resources. But the resources required is that of the entire planet,” I sigh.
“But a utopia is a place that cannot exist,” he counters.
“In simple terms, of course not. Everyone can't be happy all of the time. Everyone can't have the perfect life. Every trauma can't be prevented. But we could do at least fifty times better than we are doing now,” I say.
“But that doesn't make life any less worth living. Everything in life is about effort. The more you put into it, the more you're rewarded,” he says.
“Where is the living part of life when you have no pride in your self, your race, your community, your family, your country or your planet?”
“I have pride for those things,” he says. I scoff. “Well, no not really,” he admits. “I have pride for myself. And that's what's important.”
“I can only ever have pride within one household, and that's the best I can expect, and even that is a long haul of slave labor,” I say bitterly.
“You worry too much about things you can't control,” he says, a valid counterpoint.
“I wouldn't say I worry about them. Today I stopped to smell a rose, literally. I have three roses blooming in my front yard. It smelled good and I leaned in to smell it some more. I looked up, startled by a noise, and almost peed myself when a construction machine nearly tore up the bushes while it made a three point turn to turn around. It's just another display of how dirty, restless, and lacking peace our world is. Moral of that short story? You can't even stop to smell the roses anymore.”
“Maybe not where you are,” he says, making another valid counterpoint.
“Well guess what, unless you want to rush, rush, rush all day at work, through traffic or land a bunch of money in a freak accident, you can't afford to live in a place where you could smell the roses, defeating the entire purpose,” I say.
Tears. Calm. Tears. Calm. Tears. Calm. Tears, calm. Tears, calm. Tears and then calm again. It’s been like this since Sunday. I’m more moody than a cat chasing cat nip. I feel calm again at the moment. I’ll use this calm to color.









Wednesday, October, 8th 2008 at 9:04pm

Shit, as soon as I sit up to write my head starts hurting. I’ll be feeling like this for another eight days before I get the abortion. I’m desolate...
I'm not sure I can face my father after what he did/said last night... I've only spoken to Crusifer about it... And so far I can't seem to write about it...

2008-10-08 20:32:06 Unexpected comment from Tater

Of course I will always support you in what you choose to do and I am adamantly pro-choice, but being that I am currently pregnant right now (and I love it, but then again we planned this..you didn't) I really hope you decide to have this baby. Maybe that is stupid advice. I think once everyone got used to the idea (your parents, etc.) you would feel better about things. I can tell you really, really don't want to have an abortion..and if that is the case..don't do it. You can apply for government assistance (there is no shame in that) or at least apply for WIC...Once again, it is totally up to you..I support whatever you choose to do. Have you told Crusifer you think you are pregnant? What does he say? Keep me posted!


Tater,
I’m speechless. I never guessed that anybody would tell me it was a good idea to keep it... Christ, just thinking about the fact that I still have the choice is painful. I made the appointment for the abortion next week, eight days from now.
I have no shame in applying for government assistance, but my father works for social services and he has plenty of shame in me doing that to go around. He made his point clear when I thought I was pregnant last year that he would kick me out if I was pregnant.
And after what happened last night... I don’t doubt that is the slightest. Between thinking about the abortion and thinking about what my father said to me... I can barely keep myself from jumping out the window... I suppose it’s time I spill the beans with this...
Last night, like many nights, I went into my bathroom, and it smelled so completely like cigarette smoke that I dashed right back out, coughing and stumbling from dizziness. In all situations it always gives me a headache, makes me feel a bit dizzy and often makes me cough, but in my current situation, it’s triple fold.
As you have probably guessed, my father (it’s hard to refer to him is that...) doesn’t know I’m pregnant. He doesn’t know I plan to get an abortion next week. But he does know that I have a hard time with cigarette smoke. I was angry that he didn’t care about that, that he wouldn’t respect my lungs, my air and my feelings.
I was to head out to pick up Crusifer soon, so I decided that on my way I’d make a sign and hang it on the bathroom door. It went along the following lines;
“Please smoke outside or quit. I’m sick of leaving my bathroom in a coughing fit or a dizzy spell. If you can’t respect your lungs enough to quit, then respect mine enough to smoke outside. From the only person in this house who cares about their health above all else.”
I taped it to the bathroom door and went back downstairs. I wanted to leave to go pick up Crusifer right away, but it wasn’t time yet and I didn’t want to hang around there for an extra fifteen minutes so I sat back down at my mom’s computer, thinking momentarily that I might look at some friend’s blog.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and thought, “must be he read it and now wants to talk to me about it,” which was half expected...
Odd, someone is on my steps right now. Sounds like mom. It’s too slow to be anyone else. Wonder what she wants...

Wednesday, October, 8th 2008 at 10:01pm

Mom brought me the cordless house phone because I loaned Crusifer my cell phone for the day, suspecting he might need it since he’s gone to another tattoo shop to learn about some other styles of tattooing for the day. He was only supposed to be there for several hours, but of course he’s still there now. Turns out he called the home phone, and my mom picked up, and he told her that he didn’t know when he would be needing a ride...
This makes me so mad. I just called him, and he has no intention of coming home any time soon. I said, “I’m over a month pregnant with your child, and my dad has pretty much disowned me, and I feel like complete shit–”
“Yeah, but you’re not keeping it though,” he argues.
“But do you have any idea what I’m about to go through? What I’m going through right now?”
“You know what, fine, be like that,” and then he hangs up.
What, I’m be irrational? I’m just supposed to live out my days completely alone, aren’t I? Nothing to look forward to at all! Nobody I can count on! Nothing I can count on! My head is completely scrambled. It feels like someone took my brain out and cooked it for a bit and shoved it back in.
Sympathy? I mean, I don’t need to be coddled, but a few kind words would be nice from a fucking “fiancé.” My whole body is like clay... Wobbly, sensitive and too easy to hurt. I can barely even hold my arms up to type, and he never cares. He never cares...
I can’t keep his baby, because he doesn’t even care about me, so how could he care about a family? I can see a little baby in my mind... Looking just like him... So cute, soft and helpless... I might as well give up on ever having a family. It’s clearly not happening any time soon, not at this rate. I’ll be thirty before that happens...
I don’t want to be an old mother. Not that thirty is old, but by the time they’re ten, I’d be forty, and if I had more kids... If I could even handle having more kids at that age. Why do I believe that I will get weaker? It’s hard not to believe that I’ll become weaker...
I wish Crusifer cared about me. I wish we were married. I wish we had enough money to raise a child properly. I wish I wasn’t so weak. I wish I had a closer family. I wish I could keep this baby with a clear conscience. I wish I could call him right now and that he would pick up an apologize, or that he would call be back... But he won’t.
How do I wrap my head around the fact that none of that stuff if going to happen? I’m becoming such a conformist that it disgusts me to my marrow. I’m just a pitiful little runt in this world of conformity. A dirty runt at that.
What can I possibly do with myself now? I can’t remember the last time I was so disinterested in everything... Perhaps I felt this way when Jeremy left me. No, that was worse, because my chest hurt at every moment then. Though now and again, it twinges now.
My face is so hot it’s as though I have a fever.
11:30pm... He’s not home yet, nor has he called back. I called once, and he didn’t answer. I’m not sure if this is love anymore.

Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 7:01pm

Crusifer called me at two in the morning. I picked him up. He didn’t thank me for getting out of bed and getting dressed and coming to pick him up. He didn’t kiss me or tell me that he missed me. He didn’t touch me. What he did do is drive home like a maniac, tell me I was being a bitch, and later on that I was “nothing but a nigga.”
You can imagine the flow of epithets from there I imagine, but I quickly dissolved into a familiar cold, calm demeanor. I set my jaw, I tighten my lips, I clench my fists, and I refuse to give answer to his insults. I hold back the tears, block out my thoughts, and get out of bed. I rummage through his things, find my phone, tell him not to touch me, and disappear down the stairs.
I call an old friend. I’m considering running away, seeing if anyone has any revelations while I’m gone. Only problem is, I have to wait for my abortion, next Thursday. Who knows if Crusifer will be there for me or not, but if not, then I’ll have no reason to stay, and no reason to tell him where I’m going.
He’s not here today, of course. Early this morning El arrived and he left down the stairs. At noon his boss called and said he needed to come to work. I stuck my head out the window where I could hear El’s loud voice chatting away (with the window closed) and called down to Crusifer that he had to go to work.
Surprise, surprise. He spends his day at another tattoo shop learning from other tattoo artists. He doesn’t come home until two in the morning, and then what-do-you-know, that turns into his day off and this becomes a work day. Again, putting off any and all plans and promises to me in favor of his job.
I’m disgusted with what this pregnancy is doing to me. I can’t lay back and be happy and say, “I’m having a baby.” All I can so is lay back and clutch my stomach and say, “I’m having an abortion, and I’ve felt like shit for weeks and will continue to feel like shit.” If the physical pain wasn’t enough, I needed truck loads of emotional pain to add to it, right?

Letter to a someone:
My mom has also had one abortion in her life. She didn't tell me the details...
If I were twenty-two (just a few months over a two year difference from my age now) and if I had a job and lived with supporting friends and if the father said to me, "I'll support you either way," then I probably would keep it. But there is pressure on all sides not to keep it, and I'm literally terrified of what would happen to my relationships with everyone I know if I did keep it, especially my parents and Crusifer. What makes it so difficult is that I've been thinking about nothing but having a baby for over two years now. It has consumed my thoughts...
I'm having another episode right now... I don't know what else to call it. My head starts pounding, and then I get really hot and cold at the same time, my stomach shrinks into a knot, and I start panting and then crying... I can't believe it's normal to be like this at one month. I'm breaking out along the hair line of my face... Which is completely unusual for me, I have not had a break out this bad since I was fourteen. (five years ago...)
I'm being summoned. Thanks for writing me. I need all the distraction, support and love I can get.




Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 10:04pm

I swear if I had a loaded gun right now it would be tough not to kill myself. If I was a strong, happy, capable person... I might break up with Crusifer, move out, and go to college. Or I might somehow make things work with him and keep this baby. Or I might just kill myself anyway.
I’m not strong, I’m literally frail and pitiful. I’m not happy, I’m literally spending more time crying than doing anything other than sleeping. I’m not capable of doing anything but failing and looking like an idiot, clearly.
I’m either coming down with a serious yeast infection, or something else even worse. I swear I want out. I want out of everything. I’m in that deadly calm state again. I’m slowly closing myself in again, like I did when I was with Tre. I swore to myself I’d never let it happen again. I was just too naive to believe this would happen with Crusifer.
I’m naive on top of it all.

Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 11:33pm

I wish I could have shot myself earlier, so I wouldn’t have to deal with Crusifer walking out on me. No comfort, no kisses, no fucking love. I’m nothing but a sex bag to him, why did I ever delude myself?



























Friday, October, 10th 2008 at 4:13pm

So I write Tyra again, because, hey, why not?

Please show Tyra this story! I watch every episode of the Tyra Show and I think this information would really astound and interest Tyra!!!
I just watched the episode about how losing weight can cause difficulties between friends or family. The sister that lost weight said she did it at the gym, and it wasn't working for the other sister. I completely identify with this story. I tried to lose weight by working out for years, and it never worked. I continually gained weight since I was born, even after I stopped growing in height, meaning that when I reached 5'6 to begin with I was 120lbs, but two years later, I was 153lbs. I tried eating less and walking every day and that didn't help. I was worried because one of my brother's is overweight and diabetic.
I didn’t get the push to really do something about my health problems however until I started getting stomach aches every morning. These were not just ordinary stomach aches. I would roll into a ball and cry they were so bad. In addition I began to burp all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean thirty times in a minute. It made it hard to talk or to be around people. I had not only my weight to be embarrassed about, but constant smelly burps.
I went to see a doctor, and they didn’t know what was wrong with me, and that really upset me. I became miserable and started seeking help online. I researched “constant burping” and other similar phrases and I found sites where people had these problems for years with no help. But then, I found a site that had all the answers.
I followed the site’s advice strictly and I lost thirty pounds, the first ten pounds in the first week, the second ten pounds in the following three weeks, and the last ten pounds in the month after that. As long as I continue the easy change, I keep the weight off. The burps are gone, and so are the stomach aches. The most amazing part? I never exercised one bit. I didn’t walk more, I didn’t go the gym. I literally sat around drawing, writing, reading and playing video games and lost weight.
I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t eat nasty diet pills or special foods. Everything I eat can be found in a normal grocery store, just like all the junk I was eating before. It really is all in your food. What you eat can make you thin or fat, depending on what it is, that’s what I learned. Exercise only adds muscle, which in some cases will reduce fat, but it’s never permanent if you’re still eating the same bad foods.
I’m perfectly willing to share the simple steps with everyone in the world. I’ve actually helped several other people online and in person. I enjoy helping people with their health. I’d like to come on your show and talk about it. It would be awesome to invite people who have had similar problems, especially the odd burping problem, and talk to them directly and analyze what they’re eating now and what they should be eating.
Thank you for reading!








Saturday, October, 11th 2008 at 2:17pm

I’m slowly getting out of the bed. I spent nearly a week in it. I’m feeling better physically. Perhaps I’ve begun to adjust to being pregnant, or at least this phase of it. Thankfully I won’t be getting past this phase of it. Can’t be happy about being pregnant when Crusifer says things like, “Now that the lovy-dovy shit is over, you need to get a job and pay for your own shit.”
Any guy who won’t pay sixty dollars a week on groceries for his woman doesn’t deserve any woman at all. I understand, let’s say, if he’s working a job where he can’t possibly afford it, but when he’s bitching about only putting one hundred to two hundred in savings every week...
I swear... (This is the part where I grit my teeth, clench my fists and shake my head because there is nothing that can express my outrage.) When I’m going through being pregnant, going through having to get an abortion, going through my father completely disregarding me as a human, when I have nobody else to turn to, he wants to tell me to go pay for my own shit because he wants a new wardrobe or something.
He’s saying these things on top of separating himself from me physically. I feel so bereft of affection and love. He won’t spare me a kind word or touch, and when he does, it comes as a mock after an hour of belittling, ranting and accusing me of sucking in every aspect. If I suck so much, then why is still here?
I don’t want him to go. I’m not ready for that yet, but seeing him hurts me. We have not gone one day without arguing in probably a month. My chest has started to hurt regularly... Like it felt back when things between Jeremy and I got rocky... I think I felt this way with Tre, but it’s hard to say when I can’t remember most of it, and chose not to remember the rest.
...Whoa I just blanked out there for five minutes or so. I’m thinking of getting out of the house via the car today. Why not? I can drive. Strange, the longer I sit here the more I don’t want to do anything. It’s something about this dimly lit, stuffy, overly warm room... It just saps the energy away... What a pitiful excuse. My room is sapping my energy! More like, I feel drained and alone because I can’t seem to handle my body, my relationship, my family, and life in general.
I’ve been so down I’ve smoked some weed with Crusifer a couple of times. Unlike me to do that anymore. I don’t feel like I can change my mind about keeping it anymore, not when I’ve spent all this time living in misery, smoking... Not things I would do while pregnant with a baby I was keeping... I just can’t see it anymore. I can’t see Crusifer being the father anymore... And it burns my soul to bits to know that it will never be...
All my dreams and hopes just washed down the drain, just like that... Just gone. I can’t keep a baby that is made of false dreams, it’s unfair to them. He or she would grow up much harder than I did, in a house with feuding parents and no money... Maybe originally the spirits thought that if I got pregnant it would make things better, but instead it’s tearing us apart. Or maybe it was supposed to tear us apart to make room for something else?
I wish I could do something other than give up! But what can I do with a man who thinks groceries is too much to spend on me? What can I do with a man who cares more about having sex with me than talking to me? It’s just completely hopeless. I’m just to weak to walk away.






Saturday, October, 11th 2008 at 11:10pm

What a day I’ve had. I’m not sure how productive it was, but... It was a day. I met some of Matt’s college friends, including Ashley. It’s Chris’s birthday today and Chris is Matt’s best friend, so of course they we’re hanging out. We all went to the movies and say a movie called “religious” only it was either spelled differently, or included capitals or was just pronounced funny, I forget. It was a documentary, and also a very one-sided film. Though I agree with that side, so heck.
Killing in the name of god is hypocritical and illogical and insane. Killing is all of things, without being in the name of god anyway, but using god as an excuse is just lame. This was one of the key points in the documentary.
Before we watched the movie, we were walking around Elmwood, and I got cold. Ashley let me wear her jacket, which had her keys, and we ended up at the theater before we realized this, so we had to drive back, but I didn’t want to drive back, and complained, and Matt offered to drive. I looked at him cross-wise and considered that, and he offered, “if you’re uncomfortable we can pull over and let you drive.” I gave in.
We got back to the theater without incident, or so we thought. We watched the movie. (Also before this Crusifer ate lunch with me, but insisted it had to be out of my wallet.) And then, afterwards we discussed it a bit. I argued that it could have been better, and Chris said that it was very one sided, and I don’t recall Matt saying his opinion, though I’m sure he stated it at some point. Ashley said we should hang out again before she left.
We got to the car and I made a very unfortunate observation: Matt left the headlights on. And when I went to start the car, it would not start. Matt called his Dad, I called my brother (scared to call my mom.) My brother didn’t sound like much help, but Matt’s Dad got in contact with Matt’s brother in law, who was a lot of help. He showed up, and attempted to get the car running with his jumper cables.
(We also tried talking to random people, and the Regal security and such, none of them had jumper cables.) It still wouldn’t start. Matt’s brother in law, Bryan, said he’d never seen that before. They looked like they we’re going to give up, so I had no choice but to call Mom. She informed me that we had jumper cables in our car and that they were in a little black bag, and indeed we did, and these ones were newer and more powerful and allowed the car to start at last.
By then it was ten-thirty, so we went back to the cardshop beside the tattoo shop. Both were closed, even though it was before time for the tattoo shop. I was skeptical, because I assumed they would be there later than usual, not leave sooner than usual, which almost never happens. I banged on the door just in case, with no luck. I noticed someone going into the house next door, and the guy happened to be a friend of Frankie, who is a friend of Crusifer.
The guy called Frankie, and Frankie informed this guy that Crusifer had been there but left about five minutes ago. That could only mean that Crusifer had gotten out of work, went and said hi to Frankie and then either decided to go out or to go home. It sounded like he went out by the way it was worded. I hung around for another couple of minutes, scanning the sidewalks and general area, peered into the tattoo shop again, and at five minutes to eleven I gave up and came home.
Now it’s 11:25pm. Crusifer, of course, isn’t here. What else is new? I feel gloomier than ever about our relationship, to the point where I can honestly say I don’t expect us to get married. He doesn’t behave like a husband, and barely like a boyfriend. Though I hate to admit it, but I brightened up a lot when Crusifer said to me today, “we’ll keep it next time, okay?” That shouldn’t cheer me up, but for some reason I felt really good when he said it. Completely emotional reaction, with no real logic, right?

2008-10-13 23:27:34 Tater says:

I think it's good for you to go out and do stuff with new friends. You need the connections to other people and the distraction. Once again, I'm going to say that I truly believe your relationship w/Crusifer is not worth saving anymore...you guys both want too many different things and he (most of the time) is really inconsiderate. I know it is hard to break away from someone, REALLY REALLY hard but I think the time is coming near to where you should ask him to leave. Get through the abortion first, though....then really think about whether you need/want to be in this relationship any longer!


Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 7:55pm

I just had the worst dizziness attack I’ve had since I got pregnant. I literally would have fallen over if I hadn’t had a wall to cling to. I half-crawled, half-walked up the stairs, blind and spinning inside my head, and collapsed on my bed panting. I’m still struggling to stay calm. I feel like crying and going to sleep.
It concerns me how much I don’t want to do anything I usually do at all... I feel like an alien in my own body. An unwanted alien.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 10:21pm

Tater,
That’s the plan. I’m not sure how much different I’m going to feel after going through with the abortion, but I know that at least physically I will feel different, and likely emotionally as well. It’s only a few days away now, but I’m not so much nervous as I am anxious for it to happen, and be over.
I know Crusifer is going through things too, but none of it is an excuse for his actions, and I will most certainly be considering very seriously how long I want and need this to last. I want to start up something entirely new and perhaps a new relationship would solve that, but there is just one tiny problem aside from the fact that it’s not easy to let go...
I don’t want to spend another two years with somebody new just to discover we have the same problems all over again. I’m terrified that if I do this all over again that I’ll be in the exact same place two years from now with nothing better to show for it.
However, if things get any worse then this will soon turn from “unpleasant” and “not ideal” to “impossible” and “unbearable.” If it turns that way, then I’ll be leaving him because he needs to be left, not because I think I’ll find someone better.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 11:07pm

I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with El calling as frequently as he does if it didn’t mean Crusifer disappearing for periods of time without notice, without call, and often coming home “not giving a fuck” or drunk or both. I think of El as another argument every time he calls, every time he shows up. Like a headache that won’t stop coming back.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 11:10pm

Some random guy on the internet says, “hey there...how've you been?”
“okay, been better,” I answer.
“why's that?” he asks.
“Well, I really hate my life right now. I want to change it.” I say.
“why do you hate it? what would you like to change?” he asks.
“Pretty much everything...” I answer. “I want space, time and freedom to cook really good, really healthy food. I want access to nature and to be able to go hiking. I want to swim. I want to have a better relationship with my Dad. I want either my relationship with my boyfriend to end or to revive itself.”
“Aww...chin up...all those things are doable with patience and a lot of work on your end.”
“And the "lot of work" is half the problem. I feel like I've been struggling to achieve at least one good thing in my life for years and years, and I just come up empty handed every time,” I complain.
“Well...that may be...but trite though it may sound...very seldom is there anything worth doing in life that doesn't come with a lot of effort.”
“Very true,” I agree.
“Besides...you're young, you're cute, and you're bright by all appearances...you'd be amazed at what any of those things by itself can accomplish.”
“I've tried using quite a bit of it to my advantage, but the biggest problem is finding self satisfaction for me,” I say, with an unheard sigh.
“In what sense?”
“Like, I don't really care about making a lot of money, at all. And I hate working, it makes me feel like I'm wasting my life. I want to be a house wife and make my husband (and down the line, my kids) happy and well taken care of.” I answer, thinking wistfully.
“Well...as john lennon said...life is what happens when you're making other plans... Start living and the plans tend to take care of themselves.”
“Yeah, that's what I've been trying to turn to. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with new friends I just made, and Wednesday I have a “blind date,” if you want to call it that. I'm not going to keep sleeping and crying my days away anymore. I've healed enough to stop doing that.”
“*pats your head*...atta girl”
“But while these activities may help me move forward, they don't ease my anxiety of what I'm trying to do with my life.”
“Hon...I'm about 10 years your senior and I can honestly tell you that if you're anywhere as neurotic as me, you're never going to be completely at ease with your life...at least not for a while...and that's not such a bad thing as long as you use that anxiety to move your life forward.”
“If I don't have kids in the next six years I probably never will, and if I spend the next six years trying to find a good father for them and a good husband for me, then I won't have any back up if I never find one... Trying to be an amazing girlfriend is a full time job, and nobody seems to get that, that's why everyone's relationships suck.”
“To some extent I'd say that's right...but a relationship, while it requires work...shouldn't be viewed as a job. I know you've got these deadlines that you want to meet...but go with the flow a bit...things have an obnoxious way of showing up when you stop looking for them.”
“Sure do. I think our subconscious is better at these things then we are consciously, so when we stop looking, the subconscious is allowed to find things for us. I have a hard time living for the moment.” What I didn’t say was that being in a relationship shouldn’t be viewed as work, and I don’t consider it one, unfortunately most people think that doing the things that makes a relationship successful as being too hard or too time consuming, so they don’t do those things.
Making it work is a series of little considerations, little thoughts, little moments, little conversations and little acts of heroism constantly. Showing up in armor on a pony is romantic one day, but old the next if you’re wasted at a bar drooling over some other girl. I don’t find it hard to do these things at all, but when I get less than half of it back I feel like I’m wasting my time and my love, and then it starts to really hurt.
“There ya go. *pats your head*... I know the feeling...but it's the only time that you should be living in...plan for the future...remember the past, but live in the now.”
“I feel so lost right now because I can't come up with any future plans,” I say.
“Those can be tough, don't worry yourself sick about it though.”
“I'm not used to having no plans,” I say, “...I think I should go take a nice hot bath and grab some dinner. I might be back online later.”