What do I do?

Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 3:06pm

“It’s hard to wait around for something that might not happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you ever wanted.”
Boy can I relate. Crusifer once asked me, “Why do you put up with me?” You know what I answered him with? I said, “Because you have the capability to be everything I ever wanted and to make me blissfully happy forever.”
He doesn’t though. He could, but he doesn’t.
In other news... My eye sight is getting worse. I can’t sit as far away from the computer as I used to. (I don’t use glasses at my computer.) I can’t read street signs from as far away as I used to with my glasses on. I tested my eye sight against a bunch of Matt’s friends and they were all able to read (with or without glasses depending on which one of them we’re talking about) a sign that I couldn’t read with my glasses on.
I’ve only had them a little over a year. I’m only nineteen. At this rate I won’t be able to see a foot away from me clearly within six or seven years. It’s frightening.

















Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 7:24pm

Matt,
I’ve had more fun in the last few hours than I’ve had in so long... I was completely without stress, and didn’t have constant thoughts barging in on me the way I usually do.
I think Ashley is pretty cool from what I’ve seen of her. I’m a tad bit afraid to be as enthusiastic as she is about hanging out. It’s reassuring to me that I don’t suck, but it’s hard for me to return it even though in my mind it makes me feel special. This sounds lame, but I’m nervous to be too friendly because I might scare her off.
It’s depressing to be home again. I don’t have any inspiration for anything I used to do at all. Not a bit of it. I feel as though I’ve been tossed out of myself and now I don’t really know what I’m looking for anymore. Perhaps it’s just because of everything with Crusifer... I adapt to a person as much as I can, but when it’s over I shed a shell of adaptations and find myself underneath again. When I shed the “Tre shell” I was so much happier, but this... This I didn’t expect. I didn’t realize how far I’d adapted, and this change is showing me how unwilling I’ve become to be that person for him anymore...
What’s odder is that it’s as though I’ve been changing underneath the “Crusifer shell” and becoming someone new while I wasn’t watching or something.
I’m mostly just stressed about what to do about money though. Like, what I want to do in my free time isn’t really an issue, it’s what I want to do in my not-free time. I’ve spent the last two years spending my not-free-time cleaning and cooking for Crusifer, and planning to do more of the same for years to come... But if that’s not going to be the case, then what can I do?
Sure there is all number of things, but what will be acceptable to myself and everyone else as well? I’m completely against getting a job just for the money. I want a job that has some relevance to my skills and interests, but which one would best apply? I’m more likely to get one if I can figure that out, because they I’ll be able to make a very valid point as to why I should be hired and I’d have a place to go and advertise myself whenever I felt I should or wanted to until I got hired. If I don’t figure it out, I’ll half-heartedly put in some applications and probably never get hired anywhere.
...On a much more personal note. When we were on the beach today, and Ashley was out of hearing range... I was imaging tackling you into the water and landing atop you and give you a couple of kiss attacks. The thought even now has me smiling. The sun setting, the water, the smell... It was all... Perfect. Still is. I can see it in my mind just as it was while those thoughts we’re floating through my head.
You know... I would very much like to be... In a relationship with you in your way. No kissing, no fucking, no living together, no expectations, no plans, no obligations except those we set on ourselves for the coming day or week... I’m more interested in the companionship part of a relationship now than I’ve ever been. Being close is important to me too, but it’s so much more important to be close mentally than physically...
I’m still in love with Crusifer, but... Not like I was. I’m not sure if you want to say that I “love him” now but that I’m not “in love with him” or however people like to put it. That doesn’t seem to quite fit. It’s more like I’ve lost hope of the dreams I’d built up around him. The family, the lifestyle, the art... All those things we’d talked about doing together. I just don’t see it happening, not when he behaves this way.
He clearly told me that he’ll go wherever there is to be the most fun had at the moment. Doesn’t matter if he had plans with me, or made me a promise. Only that it seems like more fun at that moment to be where he is than to come home. When he told me this, he didn’t sound guilty, so ashamed or even sad. He stated it as a boring fact that I should take in passing. I’m already over it enough that I’m not crying now. That part of me is rotting away... It cries, and passes like a wounded ghost possessing me from time to time, hoping to find solace, but not finding anything but more hurt.
Hence, the things I said before. I’d like to be your girlfriend in your way, and not mine. The slow, easy going, no plans or obligations way. Could I handle it? Who knows. Would it last? I have my serious doubts. I’m not really asking you out, clearly, since I’m still hanging on to my rotting relationship in the hopes it might sprout new growths or something, but like you say I guess, things are better said...
If I’m still with Crusifer six months from now, either I need to be smacked out of my insanity, or Crusifer needs to be awarded for his amazing turn around... In the mean time, I could use more distraction so I can grow a new self and grow familiar with it. And you’re pretty much the center of my distractions...

Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 10:09pm

Crusifer,
I’m feeling pretty sick right now. I wish I didn’t have to pick you up, but I would never just not show when I said I would. I’m not sure if it’s just another pregnancy irregularity or if there was something in the stew I ate over an hour ago now. I should tell my mom to be more careful as to what she tells me I should eat some of. I suspect the “cheap gravy” she had to throw in contained some things she didn’t think to check on...
Have you ever taken an interest in cooking? Would you ever want to cook something for me? I love food you know. Good, healthy, wholesome food. I think eating is one of my favorite things to do. Did you know that?
I went on a nature trail with Ashley and Matt today, and also to the beach. It felt really good to get some fresh air and to walk around. I wish I could do things like that more often. I’d like to be closer to nature very much. I’d like to be closer to you...
I feel like such a wall has been built up between us that I can’t talk to you anymore. I feel like discussing how I feel about anything I dislike is just complaining and bitching to you. I feel like I have to hold myself together in front of you the same way I would in front of a stranger. I don’t feel relaxed, I don’t feel like I can cry on your shoulder, I don’t feel like I can ask for favors or offer them either. Why do you suppose that is?
I want to really understand what’s going on in your mind and how you make your choices. From what you’ve said to me recently, you choose to do the most fun thing available at the time, regardless of promises, obligations, plans or other people’s feelings, including and especially mine. How am I supposed to take that? You said it as if that was a given, as if it shouldn’t affect me, bother me, or surprise me.
Honestly, that’s one of the most hurtful things you’ve ever said. Everything you do and say affects me. It’s called being in a relationship. It’s called being in love. Your words are like knives. That along with, “now that all this lovy-dovy shit is over you need to get a job.” Wouldn’t that mean, in other words, now that you’re not crazy about me like you were, you’re no longer willing to indulge my ideas of being a house wife and that you’d rather have a room mate who fucks you than a future wife? If that’s not what you meant, then you have a hell of a lot of clarifying to do.
I understand that you have a lot of things going on... I have been there you know. I once went to school, and then work, and got home between four and five, and then I catered to the dick head I was with at the time. (And was in bed before you get off of work.) In that case, it wasn’t worth it. Mostly for the same reason I begin to feel like this isn’t worth it. No appreciation. No future. No mutual goals that we’re working towards together... Just day to day suckage.
In different terms, I feel like there are certain things you have done and said recently that have stabbed our relationship. Until these weapons are removed, and the wounds are cleaned and bandaged and have healed, I don’t see us moving forward in a productive or healthy way. And as for now, I feel like everything we have is just bleeding onto the floor, and like you’re just watching, uncaring, distant, unreachable...
I feel like you’ve already left and I’m the one bleeding, not over it yet. Serious clarifications as to what you want, what you need, what you expect, and what you’re aiming for need to be made in order for this to work. And also, I would take it as a good sign if you were interested in what I want, need, expect and am aiming for. When is the last time you asked me one of those questions?
I’m not sure what’s wrong babe. My opinion is that you need to stop smoking weed, start eating better and also practice habitual stress-relieving activities everyday in order to find your center, your truest desires and your deepest and most important self. Perhaps this sounds condescending, but I say this not out of desperation or hurt, but out of love and concern: I really believe your general pattern of activities as a whole is destructive to your mental, emotional and physical stability and that if you don’t stop, you’ll lose everything, starting with your composure, and quickly following; me.
Not that I’m not willing to stick around through “bad times,” but there is a line that needs to be drawn between “bad times” and outright slights at my humanity. The level of respect you give me is less than I would expect from a common associate. I’m kept on a need-to-know basis like an annoying co-worker. You give more respect to your job than to me. You call them if you’re going to be late or not going to make it. You’re on time. You do everything that is asked of you and more. You are watchful of the “moods” of the shop and do your work with passion, consideration and careful thought. Perhaps you’re used up after all that and don’t have anything left for me or any woman. Maybe there is no room in your heart for a full time job as well as a woman?
I can only speculate. All you’ve given me to work off of are the facts, and of course, that you are not “feeling like yourself lately.” What a resource of information that gives me. Don’t you know that I care about you? Don’t you know that I worry about you? Don’t you know that I think about you all the time still? Don’t you realize that it’s becoming painful for me to think about us?
I guess the bottom line is that I feel like overall I’ve treated you like a king. I’ve done the things you asked of me, I’ve been clear and forthcoming in what I’d like in return. I’ve offered favors and ideas as fast as they came to me. I’ve been here for you even when I hated your guts. I’ve calmed myself and talked to you when I believed you were purposely being spiteful towards me. I feel like I’ve been fair, and like you have shrugged me off in return.
I don’t feel like it’s entirely your fault, or like you’re really hurting me this much on purpose, but I do feel like there are a large number of things you and I could do to change things. But honestly, we’re looking at a bleak path at this rate. Things need to turn around, or we’re in gutter, alone. I don’t want to make you feel “obligated.” If you don’t feel the want or the need to generate love in this relationship, then don’t. If making me smile doesn’t make you smile, then don’t. If being with me doesn’t bring you peace, then be somewhere else. If my company doesn’t satisfy you, find other company. What can I say?
You once asked why I put up with you, why I loved you, why I was still with you... I answered honestly. The reason is still the same too. The reason? You have the capability to make me blissfully happy for the rest of my days.

Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 2:08pm

Matt writes me:
Call me naive. Maybe it is that i fall truly in love with people. Maybe all those friends that i have that i love so much are loved in the same way you would a lover (minus the physical aspect). Maybe in that sense I am bi-sexual (minus the physical aspect again). Maybe i just express my love in drastically different ways than other people. I dunno... I say this because i like how you say a relationship in "my way." And it got me thinking on that.
I'm not sure how to respond to everything yet, but I'm not confused by it, nor troubled by it. I really am somehow proud of what you seem to be becoming. I think that whole "inner self" thing you mentioned is why i said to you "i like where your life is going." The more time i've spent with you, the less you seem to be some conflicted, misguided teenager, and the more you seem like an overall better character, a better person than as when we first met. You still have your inadequacies but so do i and so does everyone.
I don't know how to put this all into words, but if you haven't caught on, it’s a very big complement. Regardless of how the relationship evolves, You can be certain its not going to end, possibly ever. don't take that as an invitation to go out because it definitely isn't. You clearly know that my kind of relationship involves very little official thoughts or stark lines. I live in shades of grey and you seem to more than understand that. I already have the kind of relationship with you that you seem to be implying, we just don't spend enough time together.
However, if you notice, now i'm finally able to get ash to just leave at the drop of a hat. We just walked out on Monday and walked around the campus park. We just went to tifft and the beach today. Now that i've broken one college dormy, the only one i consider an actual friend no less, its going to get easier to leave and hang with you. I will understand if you're not up to doing anything on friday for obvious reasons, but i think the three of us haven't had nearly our last adventure. I live in those shades of grey with a lot of people, though the list has been shortening with college. i'm down to 3 of you. I'm sorry if i still put chris above you on the list but you can throw it in ashley's face that she's at the bottom of it. I just haven't known her for nearly as long. I'd say "luv ya" but you'd want to take the wrong way regaurdless of whether or not you understand my intentions. :P
All's well that ends well, -Matt

I write back:
Matt,
That is a very interesting concept you have going. Perhaps you love your friends so much that making a commitment to love one person and only one person is limiting your capacity. However, in this premature fantasy I was creating when I wrote you I was imagining gaining the majority of your free time... And I beyond that, I don’t think I was imagining much of a change in how we are now. Even if I was completely separated from Crusifer, I don’t think I want something like that again anytime soon.
Crusifer knows my feelings and changing. He’s finally caught on and he is trying to make fast work of fixing things. He asked me a dozen of the common relationship questions last night, like “you’re still crazy about me right?” and “we’re going to be together forever, right?” and “you’re mine?” and so forth. I answered as usual, but probably not with half the enthusiasm. And in response to if I’m “his” I said, “You’d better get to claiming me.”
I suppose the only thing a girl could expect out of you in a relationship physically is perhaps a dry kiss here and there. Which is fine with me about now. I feel like there is so much pressure on me to constantly be this nimpf, and while I like to feel sexy, and while I like sex, it’s just not fun anymore when I feel so it’s so required. Being “rejected” because you’re not in the mood sucks.
I’m nervous about going out with Dave tonight. I suggested it while I was very upset with Crusifer and now it seems like a reckless idea. I wanted to do something drastic, in fact, I wanted to disappear for a week or so, starting at that moment, but I couldn’t because of the abortion of course. Speaking of which. I’d love to hang out on Friday...
I was going to ask you to come over on Friday. Though I was hoping to have you all to myself. It would be interesting however to completely break the ice between Ashley and I to the point where the three of us are so comfortable together that it’s as though there were only two people in the room. I’ve never experienced that with three people before.
Yesterday I was having a ball on the car ride home imagining the three of us being intimate. Ashley is quite hot. She’s quite straight though, isn’t she? Anyway, that’s a misbegotten thought that surely won’t benefit me in the future.
I really feel wretched about this whole thing. I haven’t really lied to Crusifer yet, but it’s so hard not to when I’m hiding so much from him at this point. There isn’t supposed to be “back up” for true love... That’s what I’ve always believed in, and trying to arrange a line of “back ups” is making me sick to my stomach the way it conflicts with all of my ideals.
Are you complimenting me on not knowing anything anymore? I had a plan. I had dreams. I had ideas. I had this carefully constructed fantasy of a future all worked out. The only problem was that it depended on variables: other people. Now that I’ve been let down, I realize I have no idea what other things out there interest me. Aside from nature. I figured that much out.
Computers, and art and writing is all I’ve ever been good at. I’d feel like a fool to try and do something different starting now, but for some reason I want to be everything different. Perhaps this is what Crusifer was talking about... He said that when people turn twenty they change drastically. Brianna left him when she turned twenty. He predicted that I would do the same thing. Well, you know what I hate more than prophesies? Self-fulfilling prophesies.
I could be going through this change with him right now, but instead he’s chasing his art, and I’m chasing... Myself, I guess. Whoa, that must make us both look like idiots. I’m chasing my tail, and he’s chasing his own artwork! I’m really cracking up right now imaging this. But you get what I meant, of course that was all figuratively speaking.
So yeah, with or without Ashley I’d like to see you on Friday, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to walk. When one of things you’re not supposed to do for a week is “take a bath” is makes me wonder how I’ll be the following day. And I might have side effects from being “put under” as well. I’m really leaning towards being asleep rather than having the area numbed. I don’t want to have to think about it while it’s being done. I have no idea what being put to sleep might do to me, since I’m more sensitive than most to any form of drugs; from aspirin, to weed, to antibiotics, to sugar.
Anyway... I’ll let you know how things went at the first logical opportunity... And, thanks by the way.









Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 5:46pm

I feel bad about this. About everything really. Tomorrow is the abortion, and... Well, Tina came to visit with her baby. She, of course, wants me to keep it. She says she’s happy even though the relationship the baby’s father is almost nonexistent. She says she’d adopt my baby if only I’d have it. That’s how much she’d like me to keep it. She says she’d give me all her hand-me-down clothes and her bayonet. It’s tempting, and it’s heartbreaking.
It’s really up to Crusifer. And again, it’s not up to him at all. I’m so conflicted about this. We’ll probably break up if I don’t have this baby. And we’ll probably get married if I keep it. And I’ve already committed myself to not keeping it. I feel so sick... I really wish I hadn’t suggested going out with Dave tonight. I’m a total bundle of nerves.
Hopefully he’s just a nice guy and isn’t trying to get more from me than a nice evening out. Of course, he’s a guy, so he probably is trying to get a lot more out of me. I feel silly. I shouldn’t go, but I already said I would, and I don’t like going back on my word. I feel like I’m going behind Crusifer’s back even though I don’t want to “do” anything with this guy.
I’ve decided not to wear anything special. I’m so not ready to give up on this relationship, and now that it comes down to it I’m not sure I’m ready to give up on having this baby, and I only gave between now and tomorrow at noon to decide. What if I am supposed to have this baby? What if it would change everything between Crusifer and I?
I wish I could take back everything I’ve said and done since I’ve been pregnant. I really think Crusifer is just as conflicted as I am, and since he has to deal with work on top of it that he’s just really stressed. We’re supposed to be there for each other for better or for worse. I should be able to handle this, shouldn’t I?
I should meditate. I should be meditating instead of going out, but then again, going out is going to give me a whole other perspective. The direct contrast between Tina with her baby, and being out and about with a guy, and from last night, being curled up with Crusifer, and from yesterday going on a nature hike with Matt and Ashley. Perhaps this is all just giving me a perspective to understand better what I want.
I could get married to Crusifer and have his baby and still go out with friends and have a good time. I don’t have to rely on him for everything even if we were married. I guess this all comes back to what he says. Somehow I feel like this is going to be a long night...
I just spoke to Dave on the phone. He says he’ll be here at about 6:25pm according to his gps system. I’m so nervous about this. I want to work everything out with Crusifer, not run away... I feel so terrible. I wish I had more advice, like from a mentor or something... Someone whose been in my shoes... Someone who can tell me how to be distracted in the right ways, and when it’s right to run away and when it’s best to hold your ground.
Well, here goes a heck of a lot of nothing.










Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 11:59pm

So much for that conversation. I was very seriously considering keeping this baby. Very seriously. Until it’s would-be father got home. Enough said.

Friday, October, 17th 2008 at 12:10pm

Wednesday I started freaking out about having the abortion. I want a baby, I argued to myself. Crusifer doesn’t want me to have this baby, I argued back. The pros and cons extended much longer than that however. Pros of keeping it: have a baby close to the age of Tina’s baby. Have my own baby. Have an excuse to bond with Tina. Not have to go through with an abortion. Fulfil my fantasies of marriage and a baby all at once. Cons of keeping it: I would have to marry Crusifer immediately because my dad would kick me out if I wasn’t married to the father of my baby, so he said about a year ago. Crusifer isn’t ready to marry me, and therefor, I’m not ready to marry him. Crusifer hasn’t been acting like a good boyfriend, so how can I expect him to be a good husband and father? Expenses would go up by about one hundred a month or more.
I wanted to seriously discuss these things with Crusifer, but when we got home Wednesday night he left again immediately to go get a beer. That completely destroyed my ideas of keeping it right from the start. Then we went on to argue for the next three hours or so.
Truly, I felt awful about “going on a date” with Dave, and I wanted to confess to Crusifer and to move on from that, but I told him that night desperately trying to grasp something from Crusifer. I’m not sure what reaction I expected or wanted, but it wasn’t too pretty there for a while. He decided to believe me about the date, but to not believe me about me not having cheated on him in any way. He believed I had been considering keeping the baby, but didn’t believe I had considered getting a job. In other words, he chose to believe only negative and hurtful things all night and to sling them at me one at a time.
By the time I went to sleep early in the wee hours of Thursday, I had firmly decided to get the abortion. Clearly the man laying next to me was no fit father or husband. I got up at 11:45am for the appointment, and despite all of Crusifer’s threats from Wednesday, he got up and went with us when we left at 12:10pm. The appointment was for 12:30pm. We arrived at 12:20pm. That seemed reasonable to me, until I got in there. The place was packed, from floor, to chair to outside. So many women getting abortions, almost all of them looked around my age.
...I heard the song “If I were a boy,” by Beonce last night. It’s one of those songs that really hurts, because I understand so completely, and he doesn’t. “If I were a boy, Even just for a day, I’d roll out of bed in the morning, And throw on what I wanted and go...” Girls dress for their men, guys dress for themselves. “Drink beer with the guys, And chase after girls, I’d kick it with who I wanted,
And I’d never get confronted for it, Because they’d stick up for me.” Girls will tell your man that you we’re cheating, while guys will stand up for their fellow guys.
“If I were a boy, I think that I’d understand, how it feels to love a girl, I swear I’d be a better man, I’d listen to her, cause I know how it hurts, when you loose the one you wanted, cause he’s taken you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed...” That doesn’t require additional comments.
“If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, Tell everyone that its broken, so they think
that I was sleeping alone, I’d put myself first, and make the rules as I go, cause I know that she’ll be faithful, waiting for me to come home.” I always answer my phone for him, but I can remember clearly walking up to the front door of the house and watching Crusifer out the window, talking to El... They we’re drinking together, laughing, and playing music on the laptop. I called him, and he reached in his pocket and ignored the call. I tried again and again, hurt more each time when he still wouldn’t answer it.
“But your just a boy, You don’t understand, How it feels to love a girl, Someday you’ll wish you were a better man, You don’t listen to her, You don’t care how it hurts, Until you lose the one you wanted, Cause you’ve taken her for granted, And everything you had got destroyed, But you’re just a boy…”
The abortion it self was one long nightmare. We were in the waiting room for two hours before they gave me paperwork (2:30ish), and then another hour until they had me pee in a cup and then drew my blood (3:15ish), and then another hour until they gave me a sonogram and told me I was eight weeks along (4:00ish). After that it was another hour until they brought me into the counseling room to confirm my medical history and to review the option of adoption and of keeping the baby.
The counselor was a nice lady. She showed me how the procedure would work on a little plastic model. She then told me it would be at least another hour before I got in for the actual abortion and that I could go get something to eat if I wanted. We drove home, and I ate a half a potato, some broccoli and a bit of juice. Crusifer didn’t come back with us after that. He complained loudly about his lost day off of work.
We came back after an hour an a half (5:20pm) and then waited another two hours until they finally called my name along with two other girls. (7:00ish) Then one at a time the three of us changed out of pants and underwear and wrapped paper stuff around us and sat down to wait some more. The other two girls were before me. At about eight o’clock they finally brought me in to the room. After barely eating anything all day and being tense and upset all day, I was practically choking on myself when I entered the room.
They stuck a needle in me, which turned out to be the “shaft” or something like that, they then would keep that shaft there until they were done injecting things. She put some fluid in me, and suddenly it was completely impossible to sit up, and my head began to hurt, I got cold and starting shaking. The doctor didn’t seem to notice or care. After a while she brought me a blanket. It felt like an eternity and the blanket felt like a band-aid on a gaping wound.
I begin to cry uncontrollably and start to shake. The woman asks me what’s wrong and I tell her that I just don’t react well to drugs. She told me she hadn’t drugged me yet, and that she just put a little water in my blood. At that point I wanted to strangle something but was to weak to even speak. How could it only be water? I didn’t understand it then, nor do I understand it now. Perhaps I was just reacting to the pain and the cold.
They brought the counselor in to confirm that I was doing what I wanted to do. At some point some one asked how I was feeling and I spat “shitty as fuck” out at them. I couldn’t even hold my own head up before they drugged me. They asked me questions, something mundane I think. I felt the insertion go in, and in only seconds it came back out and they we’re telling me it was done. I was confused, because the woman before said it would take several minutes, but it had only been seconds from my perception. I don’t know if that was the drug or if it really only does take a couple of seconds to get it out...
I don’t remember getting off the table, but I do remember being sat in the chair. I was supposed to sit for half an hour, but as soon as I had any wit about me I wanted to get out of there and as fast as possible. I dressed, barely able to stand and to put my pants on the right way. I stumbled out, completely lost. I don’t remember the car ride home. I crawled up the stairs. I don’t remember making it to the bed.
Crusifer was then suddenly with me. My guess is that was only half an hour after the operation at that point. It felt like it was only moments ago, but the car ride would have been fifteen minutes. Perhaps it was even longer, because who knows how long it took me to get dressed. I didn’t really move until hours afterwards. I ended up talking a lot, about a ton of different things. I made Crusifer laugh a lot, and I know a made a ton of interesting points, but it’s all a bit fuzzy.
Crusifer made me rice, which is a complete first. Never has he cooked me anything from beginning to finish like that. He also made me a salad. And tea this morning. I feel more loved than I have in over a month...
I feel extremely tired now though. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long, boring, day. I hate that I’m alone. I felt so abandoned in that cold room yesterday... I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like barely anything happened in the last week except that. It’s consuming my brain. I wish I was asleep the whole time, from the moment I arrived at that place. It’s all one long bad memory.
I hate that I had no choice. I hate Crusifer for taking my dreams right out from under me. I hate being so dependant and useless! All I do is get myself into trouble. I hate being so alone.
It was right there in front of me... Everything I wanted... Now I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just know I’m sick of fighting. I want to close my big mouth and just let everybody do whatever they want to do without my say on it... It’s so stressful to try.
I never wrote what my dad said... What he did, really. So I made the sign and put it on the bathroom, the one that says “please respect my lungs even if you can’t respect yours” sort of sign. I can smell it in my bathroom clearly and it makes me dizzy and gives me headaches and makes me cough. Just after putting it up my father comes to me, with a lit cigarette in hand, blows the smoke in my face and says, “I’ll do what I want. It’s my house. You got it?”
I said, “as my father I thought you would care.”
He said, “You do what you want. It’s my house.”
“Are you drunk?” I asked.
“No,” he says blowing more smoke in my face. “It’s my house, you got it?”
“Yes,” I said, “I got it,” I mumbled. In my head I added, my father doesn’t care about me, yep, loud and clear.
I found out from my mom that he’s having a tough time at work. I guess that’s an excuse to completely disown your daughter or something. Crusifer is having a rough time at work too, and I guess men think that because they have stress at work they can come home and treat everyone like shit and have a valid excuse. I have not spoken to my father since then. If you can call him that after he so completely disrespected my existence like that. I’ve never been disrespected like that in my life, by anybody. At least, nothing has even been such a complete betrayal of trust and affection.
No father. No baby. No husband. No job. No school. No future. Useless. That’s what I am to the world. I wanted desperately to kill myself on Wednesday. I took somewhere between five and eight aspirins... Not sure what I was hoping for. I didn’t have the guts to do anything worse than that. Currently, I’m not looking forward to much of anything. All I have is myself and now. It’s rather empty, like my uterus, like everything.
After biting into an apple, I do have something I look forward to, and that is my next organic meal. I love eating. I love feeling like I’d doing something good for my body. I love the tastes and the chewing and the feeling full. As much as I enjoy writing, I don’t look forward to the next time I get to write. I generally never miss writing, but I do feel weird when I sit down and can’t seem to find anything to write about.
How do you live for anything but love?


Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 6:01pm

Sitting up to type this is making me extremely dizzy. I hope it stops making me dizzy sometime soon... I’d like to be able to do something for the first time in well over a month, but I guess that’s too much to ask. I’m trying so hard... To sit up... It’s so hard...
Stomach, head, ovaries... Dizzy.....

Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 6:21pm

I’m feeling less dizzy now. Matt writes me on Friday:

I think you made the right choice.
I think you've learned a lot.
I don't think you're totally alone.
I think Crusifer is even more conflicted than you.
I think this could end up being the biggest storm you have to weather before the skies clear.
I don't think Crusifer is even remotely capable of coming to term with his conflict realistically.
I think you need to follow what your brain tells you and do what you love, and learn about it.
I think you're parent's are like everyone else's, old, and a failure in their own eyes.
I think you already agree with me on the next point regardless of whether or not you thought about it, which you very well may have. In fact, i know you have under a different context, so this is more just me trying to let you know that you are right now and then :P.
I don't think you want to make the same mistakes Tina did, i don't know why she would tell you to do so. It probably has to do with the fact that she loves her child or is pro-life or something, but you know you can love your child and give it a real father and a real home. You should wait until you can give your kid what he or she deserves, not take from the child everything because you selfishly want something to hug. Know what I mean? If you truly plan on having a child and will truly love that child, you can't do it for selfish reasons. You have a child for the sake of the child, not for you own sake. To do it for such selfish reasons is selfish, cruel, and ignorant. I'm sure someone who values love so much more than agrees with me, having been treated in a similar fashion by multiple people in your life.
I don't think I'll make it down today, but there is a very good chance for Saturday. Like, astronomically so. I have to be in the neighborhood anyways to talk to my brother and deliver him his bike, and he wants to feed me a meal. Afterwards i could just go the extra few blocks.
Please remember that i have genuine concern for you, so please cut down on the aspirin :P I know i keep disappointing with time, and just like any other guy i have responsibilities to other people and to myself. I hope it's consoling that i don't take you're existence for granted, and that the time we do spend together is almost always constructive. Just hang in there. Although, i hate to knock the guy but the more i hear about him the more i dislike him. I didn't dislike him at first, i didn't for a long time, but some of the things he does and says seem entirely heartless to me. I was even considering going with you, but first off that would be awkward as hell given who else would be with you and secondly, what can i say i have a test in macro-economics soon and there was only one class left for me to study lol, more responsibilities, i know, but i figure in the long term, my education will benefit the people around me more than short term highs. That has an interesting metaphor in it i'm sure you get. Don't worry be Happy, -matt

I write Matt back now:

I think I feel like shit.
I think I learned that most choices suck no matter what choice you make.
I think that being alone and feeling alone are two very different things.
I know Crusifer is more conflicted than I am.
This has been the shittest storm I've ever been through and I'm still aching from it, literally.
I think Crusifer... Is in love with me, but doesn't want to behave like a person in love should, because he doesn't know how, and because he's afraid of being "weak."
I don't think my brain has any good ideas about what I love to do. I love to love.
I know both my parents feel like failures, especially my dad. My mom is at least proud of me, while my dad doesn't seem to take pride in anything.
I think Tina feels alone too, and would feel less alone if I had a baby too. She seems really proud of her baby and her choice to keep it, despite everything. I don't think she was trying to drag me down with her at all.
I agree whole-heartedly about giving a child everything an innocent being deserves: two stable parents or guardians who love them with all their heart, who don't fight all the time. That isn’t something I can give a child right now.
Such a good chance for Saturday, but you’re not here. I wouldn’t have been great company anyway. I started freezing, then huddled under the blankets, took medication which made me sleep, then woke up all hot and sweaty, and now I’m so dizzy going to the bathroom sucks, and I probably reek of blood.
I do disagree about the part where you said “you have a child for the sake of the child.” Perhaps that’s idea, but I don’t think any parent really feels that way about it. They want their children to fulfil their unfulfilled dreams. They want someone to love them. They want a baby to cuddle. They want to feel grown up. They want to feel like they have power. They want to give someone everything they never had as a kid. Whatever the reason, selfish or not, it’s always for yourself. Doing something for yourself isn’t always selfish.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to be doing the aspirin thing anytime again soon... I can’t say I’ll never do it again... It’s a bit to easy to keep taking aspirins on the off chance that somebody might care or that you might go to the hospital or something. I’ll probably never cut myself again in my life though, the few times I did it I felt so stupid afterwards.
Crusifer does do and say some heartless things. I’m beginning to understand why. That’s a topic I’d like to talk to you about in person really. I have too many different speculations to write it concisely at the moment. I do believe he tries... But sometimes trying just doesn’t cut it, huh?
I’m surprised to hear that you would consider going with me. You would have been there all freaking day, (eight hours) in this hot, stuffy room with a bunch of other unfortunate girls like myself. It would have been fun to have you there if Crusifer hadn’t been there, but Crusifer is very jealous about my attention with other people. If I start paying more attention to someone else when he is around he’ll start saying things like, “now that you guys are done sucking each other’s cock...”
Funny, and yet, not funny.

-Atara




Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 9:39pm

Matt actually just came by. He left about half an hour ago. I’m not having so much trouble sitting up anymore, but I feel feverish. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my lungs and teeth feel cold when I breathe, and when I take a really full breath the center of my chest hurts. That’s what I’m feeling at this moment, but throughout the day I’ve been really cold, or really hot, had stomach aches, ovary aches, cramping, dizziness, and overall soreness which is probably just from being inactive too long.
All of it is starting to concern me. I’ve been so uncomfortable while sleeping that I’m having dreams that I’m actually worse than I am. I dreamed today that I shoved all the blankets off the bed and was still so hot that I was sweating. I dreamed that my chest hurt so bad that I couldn’t speak or move. I dreamed I was so weak that I couldn’t lift the phone to call my mom. Last night I continually woke up from (literally) ovary pains.
I don’t even know what things I should be doing. I’m not sure if the general “drink lots of fluids and sleep a lot applies” or not. Perhaps walking would help, but I won’t risk it without knowing that for sure. Perhaps I need to be piled with blankets and sleep all day. Perhaps I should be eating a lot of food, maybe I should only be eating certain foods. Maybe I need to go see a doctor, maybe this is all normal. I have no idea. And worse yet, I don’t trust doctors.
Unless I’m in so much pain that I can’t move, I’m not about to go running to the doctor so I can sit and wait around for three to eight hours so that they can check me out and say “you’re fine.” I hate that, and it’s happened to me so many times it’s not even funny. I hate doctors. I hate hospitals, I hate being sick. I hate not knowing what’s wrong with me and no one being able to tell me!
They never said I would experience these particular side effects. They said nausea, cramping and sleepiness. Not things like, “your lungs may feel turned inside out and freezing cold every time you take a breath. Also, your ovaries might feel like giant sensitive stones trying to torture you. That’s normal.” I hate this shit. I hate society. I hate that I’m alone.
Seeing Matt for a short couple of hours... Was it even that long? Just reminded me how I’m going through this alone in an attic. Meanwhile, my aunt calls me hoping I can solve her computer problems. No, I can’t, and even if I could, call tech support, I’m clearly not well. Also, random people instant message me making me think that Crusifer is talking to me when it’s just some random slugs who want to fuck me... Sorry, I feel like shit, if you don’t read my blog and already know this, then you’re probably a slug who just wants to fuck me.
Guess what folks! I can’t put anything in my vagina for three weeks, not even water. The idea of sex is about as repulsive as maggots right now. The idea of waking up to another day is repulsive right now. I hope Crusifer continues to act like a decent human being, because I’m under enough stress without getting all emotional about two years of my life spent with another guy who won’t ever man up and marry me.
“If you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it,” so says Beyonce. And she looks very hot in that music video by the way. It’s called “all the single ladies” which I wouldn’t expect to appeal to me, but it’s actually a very good song, and she looks amazingly hot... Anyway...
Writing suddenly became too much effort for me to continue...




Sunday, October, 19th 2008 at 2:13pm

Unreliable is an understatement. “We haven’t gone to Red Robin in forever, I can’t wait to go tomorrow,” he says. And of course he wants to go grocery shopping with me since last time I went with mom and didn’t buy any of the foods he likes. Well, he wanted to cut down on food, so I did.
This, however, is the constant torment of living with and loving a hypocritical, unreliable jerk. I wake up almost every morning to El calling up the stairs, ringing my cell phone or him throwing rocks at the window. This morning, it was rocks. I rolled over and hoped Crusifer would send him away and come back shortly. I had too much faith in him this morning.
It’s now been three hours and he’s not outside, not callable, hasn’t called, and who knows if and when he’ll ever come back. I feel like throwing everything he’s ever gave me out the window along with all of his shit and screaming like a raving wild animal. The only problem with that is that I wouldn’t feel any better afterwards, only more angry and upset.
I didn’t expect him to turn back to being a jerk only a mere two days later. I feel played, cheated and betrayed. I need to live for myself to stop feeling this way, I don’t even know where to begin. My life is just waiting for another let down at all times. Just waiting for my body to show me how much it sucks, waiting for my family to prove even further how unreliable they are. Just a constant show of society’s suckage...
If I didn’t want to go buy some food so bad I’d call up Matt and beg him to arrange for something other than misery to happen today. I’m hungry however, and hunger kinda eliminates other desires one by one the more potent it becomes. Sure, I could eat nothing but potatoes, and granola and rice all week but that wouldn’t be very healthy or satisfying.
I’m as mulish as a child left alone with no new toys, no friends and no parents to chatter at. It’s two-forty and he’s been gone since eleven. I don’t want to dwell on it, but what else is there to do?

Sunday, October, 19th 2008 at 7:39pm

Crusifer returned at two-fifty. Gone a little over three hours. This mostly peeves me because I’m left in the dark every single time. Right now, he’s sitting at his laptop, drinking a beer, and peering at a z-brush “how-to” sort of book that he just spend $45 on. He seems displeased with something, ever since some time during the car ride home... Not that he’d ever let me know what’s on his mind.
I feel completely torn. Inside and out. Today was a “good” day by all external appearances, but I don’t feel good. How to react? What to say? I’m turning twenty in January and I’m still constantly asking the question, “what do I do?” Perhaps that’s a life-long question.