Indeed, Crusifer was upset about being denied the beer. However I think I’m making him look worse than he is. Then again (just as matter-of-fact) I always thought I was making Tre look worse than he was, but lets keep in mind that while I may have similar feelings now and again to those I had while I was with Tre that Crusifer is very different.
Crusifer is a logical personal when he’s not affected by conflicting emotions such as jealousy, indignation, defensiveness and feeling enslaved. These emotions make him behave completely inappropriately and illogically even to his own motives. He’s admitted that going out isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but he hasn’t hit that realization that it’s not worth it the way I did. For me, the realization that having a bunch of friends and being popular wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be was like a smack in the face. I was in the midst of throwing a party and realized that despite all the people in my room I felt alone. Despite all the conversation nothing was being said. Despite all the drugs to make people happy, to me, it didn’t seem like a happy affair. All I could see was a bunch of pitiful teenagers making my room a mess and drinking the alcohol I paid for and mixed.
Over time I realized that not only was having a party not worth it, but attending one was equally useless. The process of attending a party is long and arduous. It takes two hours of dressing, phone calls, and preparing just to be ready including planning transportation there and back. Once you’re there you’re obligated to talk and engage in activities deemed “fun” by the mass appeal of the people there or you look like a “loser.” I’ve come to the conclusion that these activities (drug use, and talking to strangers about nothing) should only be for single people, stupid people, and couples that consist of two people who love to party together. I don’t fit into either of the three categories and if I have my way about it, I never will.
Crusifer however, like me, has never been popular until now and he’s still basking in the glory of people knowing his name, calling his phone and being interested in him. Women are paying more attention to him than they ever have in his life, and he’s flattered. I get that, because after all, I was recently just there. For me, the phase lasted about five months. For him, it’s lasted almost a year now, but I think he’s really coming out of it.
For one thing, when I was truly ready to give up on him he suddenly realized he had truly neglected me and I noticed a genuine change in his attitude. It wasn’t a “how may a please you so you don’t leave” attitude, it’s a “I love you to death, and you’re mine, and I want to marry you, so please, please, please, love me back and want what I want so we can have our lives together” attitude and it’s lasted up to this day.
Relapses are to be expected. I was able to bring him out of his sulking with lots of love and attention, and without prompting he told me how much he appreciated me cleaning the room. He’s reiterated several times this week that I will not work overtime or go out. He scolds me for what he’s done wrong by way of... Hm, it’s this funny thing he does... I didn’t get it at first when he started doing it a year ago. When I thought of something clever or remembered something that he didn’t he’d say, “Good thing I thought about that.” At first I would reply, “But... I just thought of that...”
Now I see that it’s a game, one in where he is filling up some ego with imaginary deeds even though he’s still keeping in mind I was the one who really did them. It’s like the bank having your money and you having your money at the same time basically. Now he’s say, “Good thing I thought about that,” and I’ll say, “Yeah! What would I ever do without you?” In reality, he’s saying, “babe, you rock,” and I’m saying, “no, you rock!” and we both know it, but you’d be damned to understand that if you were listening to our conversation. It works the same way for bad things, when he does something he feels guilty about he scolds me with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s sorry, and that he truly intends to keep himself in check and that I don’t have to scold him anymore because he already knows.
This is why I’m completely charmed when he says to me, “Babe you gotta stop working overtime and hanging out with bitch ass niggas. I miss you when you don’t come home to me!”
Sounds silly, I know.
Ashley,
I know it seems silly to be so confident, but I know he’s not cheating. For one thing, he’s the guilty-type, like me, and he’d have to tell me. He wouldn’t be able to hide it. He’d come home with his tail between his legs if he did. Also, if he were sleeping with “barbie gone emo” then why tell me about her at all? That wouldn’t make sense if he wanted to keep it from me.
One also has to bare in mind that we did have an open relationship, so cheating isn’t really my prime concern, even though it bothers me immensely when he’s around other girls. (Which is why we don’t have an open relationship anymore. Neither of us could stand the jealousy we ended up feeling.) He really doesn’t have time for a relationship outside of me when he’s working so many hours. Spending only five hours or so with some other girl wouldn’t keep her around. Also I sit right next to him when he gets the chance to read his e-mail or talk on instant messenger and all he really talks to is his brother or online friends that he plays games with. Sometimes I read his whole conversation, which generally isn’t of much interest.
On top of that, the only person who calls him all the time is El, and I’m pretty sure the two of them aren’t secretly bi and having sex with each other. El is the jealous type and Connie, his girlfriend, is prude, so I know Crusifer isn’t “running train” on Connie either.
All of that being said, Crusifer is rather obsessed with sex, but I can understand that, having been obsessed with sex for at least five years out of my life how can I not understand? Anyone who doesn’t feel that magical bond during sex isn’t properly in love or is busy resenting their partner and has issues to straighten out. Crusifer and I both happen to be rather addicted to that bond, which is why I can’t have him sleeping with other girls, I don’t want him feeling that with anyone but me even if he’s not interested in the female as anything but a body. I suppose that’s the realization that really kicked off my jealousy.
Anyway, you shouldn’t stop writing in your blog... That would be such a depressing event.
Tater,
His particular actions, like those I described in my last entry, are precisely what was driving me over the edge and making me give up. It took a lot of effort to rub Crusifer’s nose in the fact that doing nothing “wrong” can still be wrong just by it’s lack of not being right. As cold is just the absence of heat, wrong is the absence of good. Indifference is the absence of love.
I’ve come to see now that I have a way of wording things that hurts his pride, and that I also have a very controlling tone of voice that make him feel trapped or controlled. As a man, he can’t take it. It’s a struggle for both of us to not let our emotions get the best of us. I get needy and begin to cry at the slightest blow to my pride, and likewise he ignores me and becomes silent and the slightest blow to his pride. When we both hurt each other at worse it only escalates because we’re both sitting there waiting for the other to come to us, and comfort, touch, talk, give in and be sorry.
He behaves like he doesn’t care whenever he feels like he cares too much. He feels like caring too much might turn him into a “bitch ass nigga.” I’ve explained to him something he couldn’t argue with recently:
If a woman and a man are dating, and the man is so enthralled by her pussy and beauty that he does everything she asks upon threat of not getting laid, or upon threat or her leaving then he is being controlled. But if he is so in love with her that he does everything she asks out of choice, and she, instead of threatening him tells him what she wants so he can please her best, and also does for him all that she can out of love, how can you say that he is enslaved?
When I said this to him he couldn’t argue and said it was a very good point. I believe this is just another step into adjusting his perspective. Crusifer’s perspective was damaged by Brianna who made him feel like he couldn’t trust any woman. She became a symbol for betrayal and hatred and women all at once. He hadn’t been in a real relationship since her when he met me. He was afraid to become attached to me, afraid to love me, afraid to do things for me, and the fact that he’s come so far at all is really a wonder.
I pretty much do ask him just the way what’s wrong, and now (though I didn’t used to a few months ago) explain to him how his responses are part of what I base my opinion of him on, and that my opinion will be that he doesn’t care about me if he can’t tell me how he feels.
Sometimes I want to call it quits because of something he does, but then I remember how many things have improved. For one, he’s supporting me with his income. For two, he did quite smoking cigarettes for me. For three, he does rub me, talk to me, pay attention to me or do any other small thing I ask as long as I have not recently hurt his feelings in some way. Four, he’s separated himself from his friends more and more in the last six months even though the process is very slow in the happening.
When I consider the progress as a whole it seems like a lot. It only feels like so little because it’s taken a year and a half for it all to come about. But it was five months into our relationship before he wasn’t embarrassed of loving me. Love itself is frightening to him. Heck, he’s still a little nervous about masturbating near me. It makes him terribly self-conscious, but before he couldn’t do it at all.
He finally smiles when I tell him he’s beautiful instead of feeling like I’m “playing him” or some other silly thing. He’s stopped calling me a liar. He likes my parents and though uncomfortable around them he is trying to find more ways to be around them and me together. He’s become more open about discussing his feelings with me even though he’s still struggling with getting them out in a coherent manor.
I know it might seem like I’m just jumping to his defense, but honestly I’m not. Over the past couple weeks I’ve mostly been really happy. There have been about three incidents that have really hurt me, but even those incidents were repaired almost as quickly as they happened.
I finally got him to stop ignoring me shortly after writing my last entry and the rest of the day went rather smoothly and happily as a matter of fact. Actually, if I hadn’t written that entry I would have forgotten that I had been upset at all because we had so much fun cooking together, watching Taro the Dragon Boy together, staying up late, and digitally painting.
Rosie,
Which banner was that? I know a couple of my banners are a little frisky... I don’t think Andrew ever rejected any of them though...
I’m going through the same struggle to getting Crusifer “dry,” but we’re stilling struggling will the first step, which is realizing that there is a problem. Sometimes he admits to having one, and other times he says “but I don’t drink that much.” I think I might have gotten through to him on the fact that I want him to quit because I care about him at least though.
I hope that by our two year anniversary I can say he’s “dry” like you can say about your man... As for him leaving, the last thing he’s thinking about is leaving. If this clears up anything, when I tell him that I might as well give up, he pleads with me not to give up on him and to keep pushing him to improve himself. That at least goes to show that he likes that I push him...
Today was Asa’s birthday party. I had fun, as I always do at game night. I brought him two prints, three post cards and one magnet from the Phoenix’s Muse Creations vault, and he liked them a lot. I was so pleased that he liked the selections.
Crusifer is supposed to go shopping with his mom today. Around three o’clock she’s going to come pick him up to go to the boulevard mall. He plans on buying new sneakers. I suppose I don’t really mind him going if he really is going to be back before seven. It’s just that though, I don’t really believe that he’ll be back before seven. Of course, I also don’t believe that she’ll really come without confirmation and he’s convinced she will call him...
In other news, I’ve been up for about an hour. I’ve been having odd hours lately... Much odder than getting up at 12:30pm. I went to sleep at about 8:30am which is becoming common for me, and I especially like being awake when the birds start chirping and during the middle of the night thunder storms and to see the light behind the curtains grow from pale to bright.
I’ve never been a morning person in terms of waking up, but incidently I love the feel of about seven in the morning. It’s quiet and peaceful and the air seems to just smell good. The sunlight seems so beautiful after hours of a dimly lit room and the birds singing makes it seem like some sort of reprieve from life, a song in honor of the earth. I wonder what a different world it would be if we got up and sang to the glory of the earth every morning.
In other unrelated thoughts... Crusifer just got a phone call from some dude. He’s becoming so fucking popular and I can only see it as a hindrance to our life together. “Barbie gone emo” is named Kara which is, of course, one of his new friends. Sam has gotten tattooed by him now which is a long-time friend of both him and El since before he knew me. And Sam... When, he’s had thoughts of fucking her since long before he met me. El has called him twice today so far, and some other guy who is a “new friend.” I swear I flinch every time his phone rings. It’s actually silly of me because he never spends more than ten minutes on the phone really.
I’m wondering if I’m pregnant. (Really random, I know.) My period was only three days long and I’ve heard of having short periods when early on in a pregnancy. I’ve even heard of never losing your period at all during pregnancy in rare cases. I’m ten pounds over the weight I was a week and a half ago, and during my three-day period when I was seven pounds over the weight I’ve been for two months now (120lbs) which I considered usual since I was on my period. But since I’ve actually gone up another three pounds up to 130lbs which is what I was for a long time before I suddenly lost another ten pounds, so I’m not worried about the weight, but it does set me to wondering.
So that’s the physical signs: the short period and the weight gain. There are also two intuitive signs. During an argument I had with Crusifer during my period I had this sudden vision of myself sitting on the toilet screaming in tears. It was clear to me that in the vision I knew I was having a miscarriage and was deeply distressed and also in a lot of pain. I thought the vision was odd, but I had this very strong energy coming from my stomach and I felt that trance-feeling that I get while in a meditation which is also odd to have out of the blue. And on top of that, Mary said over dinner the day before yesterday, “I’m getting that sick feeling... Someone is pregnant.”
Now, not to discredit Mary’s abilities, but sometimes she jumps the gun a bit with her inclinations. I think her spiritual connection is very high, but her interpretations of what her impressions are... Those are questionable. She’s too easily influenced by her own feelings which is often what hinders us from seeing truth, whether were getting truth intuitively or through physical signs.
If I were pregnant now and held it for full term that would mean having my baby in March, one month before our tentative wedding date. That would be highly inconvenient for a number of reasons, one of which being the making of the dress. How could I be fitted for it and try it on when in full bloom? And beyond that, it would be hard to say my final size because I’d be nursing so my bust size would be different than it is now. So if I was pregnant, a miscarriage would be ideal... Even in heart-wrenching.
I felt like the vision was three-months into it, so at that point I’d be sure I was pregnant, and I would have told my mom by then that I knew. I just have to hope I’m wrong. Because even with the vision I can’t keep myself in denial if I was pregnant. I can’t just say, “well, I’m going to have a miscarriage so I won’t worry about it, or get attached to it.” Hence why, three months in, I would be so distressed emotionally as well as physically to have one.
I suppose I’m jumping the gun to be thinking about it this much, but there is a lot to be considered if I really was having a baby in nine months. There is still so much work to be done first. If Crusifer and I are really getting married and are really having children the earliest time I’d prefer to get pregnant is the month of our wedding., but more preferably in June or July or even August of 2009. Then I’d have a spring baby, though if I did get pregnant in April I’d get to have a January baby, like myself.
Speaking of birthdays. Crusifer’s birthday in July 20th. I’ve made some moderate plans, but nothing final, and nothing extravagant as of yet. I believe his birthday lands on a Sunday... Yep, the third Sunday of July this year... He has no requests in particular, so it’s up to me to do the best I can at pleasing him.
Angel Writes:
I like the sound of that, Atara =]] maybe (just maybe) we could very well be sisters in spirit.
Yeah, the whole "split personality" feeling is driving me insane... at least a little bit. I'm really just trying to not get caught up in everything lately.
LOL well I can send you some pictures of me if you want me to...
I'd love to stay over there for an entire month because I need time away from this reservation. People are getting more insane by the minute! But I asked my parents and we all agreed that one week is much more suitable like you suggested. So, the ticket is about $245 I think. I AM GOING TO SEE YOU!!!!! =]] Ha, I'm uber excited. When do you think is the best time for me to come? I was thinking, the last week of July or either the week before. I'm so thrilled! :)
Oh cool, I never heard of SFX convention; so I'm stuck wondering what that is... but hey I'd love to tag along!
Hmm... well, I think Crusifer and I can become friends... but I understand what you mean. I can be a bit quiet but I try not to be.
...
Sorry for not writing much but I feel like shit right now..... I hate feeling so lonely. Times like these I wish that I had real friends (offline not just online) so they can be here when I need them. The thing is, I'm the girl everyone comes to when they feel low. They come to me for advice which is strange because I don't have all the answers. Nobody does, eh? You're pretty much my inspiration though. I felt like mentioning that.............. but yeah it's kind of hard when you're the friend people turn to . I don't mind really because I love helping them out. It's just, what does the girl who people believe have all the answers, doesn't know what to do and has nobody to turn to, what does she do?
I write angel back:
Sister-spirit Angel,
I would like to see what you look like. I met Pete (an online friend from when I was very young who I still talk to from time to time... Which reminds me I need to call him back...) Without seeing a picture before hand and was rather surprised at his appearance when I met him. How can you be anything but surprised when you make up some image in your head with no physical facts to go on? For example, knowing that you’re native-american prepares me for a standard native-american look, but I might be a little surprised if you had bleached your hair blond and might not even believe it was you for a bit while I sorted out the complete wrong-ness of my mental image! Okay, anyway, I just wanted to say that just because requesting pictures sounds so stalker-ish.
In terms of when I’d like to suggest either the 14th to the 19th or the 21st to the 26th. I suggest those two because I think it would be best if you were not here on a Sunday because Crusifer doesn’t know anything about you and he might resent spending both his days off (Wednesday and Sunday) with you when he usually spends them just with me. Also, the 20th happens to be his birthday and it wouldn’t be prudent to have someone he doesn’t know there, which also happens to be a Sunday this year. Since I have no obligations the rest of the time when he’s at work, which is most of the day (noon to 11:30pm) every other day of the week we’ll have plenty of time in those six days to go out and explore Buffalo and talk and stuff. Perhaps we could do some crafts – I don’t know how much you like crafts or how much you’ve done of them but I have all kinds of paints, pastels, markers, block-crayons, colored papers, glue-sticks, a glue-gun, tape, designed-tape, designed-papers, and probably more things I’m not even thinking of... Like the charcoal pencils and graphite stick.
So do either of those sound feasible for you? The fourteenth is a Monday and the nineteenth is a Saturday, and the same goes for the twenty-first to the twenty-sixth. Incidently, I did ask if he minded you coming down to stay with us for a bit. I didn’t mention how long or anything like that. I only mentioned that we’d been talking via e-mail for a long time and that I think you’re really cool. He said, “as long as she doesn’t steal my shit I suppose I don’t mind,” and I said, “well, she’d probably be sleeping on our other bed,” and I pointed at the futon, “so that’s why I thought I’d ask.” He shrugged and said he didn’t mind.
You ought to know (from reading my blog) that he’s a bit one-minded sometimes, so of course he also asked if you were hot and if you wanted to sleep with him. Don’t worry, he wouldn’t make an unwelcome advance on you or anything like that, but well... If you wanted to... Well, things might be able to be arranged, but that’s probably getting ahead of myself and I don’t have any idea how you’d feel about any sort of thing, and well... You know, how we were looking for a girl-friend in the past. We pretty much gave up because we never meet a chick who is both intelligent and hot and on top of that likes both of us and not just one of us.
I never even thought to ask if you were bi... Maybe I did and forgot your answer? I’m sure if you told me you were bi I’d remember, so if I did ask then you’re straight. Anyway, nothing for you to worry yourself about, there is no sort of expectation on that level whatsoever and as I said, Crusifer would never make an unwelcome advance, but I thought I’d mention it just in case you would be interested, just so you’d know it was an option and all. After all, I know you’re love-life hasn’t been very fulfilling for you in the past, especially recently...
Anyway, I hope none of that makes you uncomfortable or anything. That’s the sort of thing that generally makes people shy away from me. I’m too honest, and too out-there with too many things for most people to handle. But after everything we’ve talked about... I just feel like we’ve “been through” enough things to warrant being able to say anything to you, you know? I’m slowly starting to believe you really won’t forget about me or shy away from me just because of something silly.
Anyway, I of course know what you mean about not having offline friends to talk to. Since I’ve never had an in-person friend that I could tell anything to I’ve never even felt like I had a real friend. I’ve become close to a few people, even if for a short period of time, but there is never anyone I could say anything at all to except for those I’ve dated. What’s extraordinary about Crusifer is that there were even deeper things about me that I couldn’t fully share with Jeremy or Tre that I have been able to share with Crusifer which is probably why I’ve felt even more attached to him, which I hardly thought was possible before I met him.
Perhaps we can be the sort of real friends that we’ve never had before and outlast all the silly changes in life which tear people apart. Hm, after saying something that “dramatic” I feel a loss for further words to add to that...
Anyway, let me know if either of my date selections works for you, and if either of them works for you then you may go ahead and make any and/or all preparations you need without any further confirmation from me. You have the welcome of my mother and I both and Crusifer’s permission, so that’s all you need on this end. The plane ticket price you mentioned is a tad higher than I expected. You might want to check around online as see if there is a better deal out there. Is that a round-trip price I hope? Considering that I don’t expect you’ll be bringing a lot of spending money with you, which is fine. There isn’t tons of special stuff to buy in Buffalo or anything, and an extra person’s worth of groceries for a week shouldn’t be a problem for us, and you’d be going with us on our weekly trip on Wednesday so you’d be able to pick out a few things you’d prefer.
I look forward to your reply. I hope you feel better. Perhaps you will cheer up as the prospect of visiting me. I know I let out a happy squeal which made Crusifer look at me out of the corner of his eye when I read that your parents said you could come, which is when I explained to him about you and asked if he minded at all... Anyway, write back soon.
And I suppose I might as well include a list of things you should bring:
- Obviously all your bathroom stuff. You should make sure you have your own "bathroom bag" so that no one mistakes your stuff for my stuff and uses it. (My Dad and Crusifer go ahead and use my stuff without asking all the time.) Don't worry about towels or wash cloths unless you have something against using ours.
- A swimsuit just incase we decide to go to Darien Lake or to the beach.
- A nightgown (or two) you wouldn't mind wearing around me or Crusifer. A robe might very-well be useful too.
- Any particular night stuff you prefer to have is welcome, but we have plenty of extra pillows, blankets, sheets and other such things if you'd like them so unless you have a certain preference you won't need them.
- Slippers if you have them. You'll want them for going up and down the stairs to the attic since they are not well-swept generally and your feet might not take a liking to them bare as Crusifer and I usually go.
- A laundry bag of some sort might be a good idea. If you have a flexible fold-up laundry-bin-thingy that would be preferable. We have a zillion of them in this house, but usually they’re all in use at once and I’d hate to have to mix your stuff or put it in a plastic bag or on the floor or something. Whatever you generally use if it’s easily portable would probably be best.
- A laptop if you have one. Any PC games or PS2 games that you have and like to play.
- A notepad, book and sketch pad are three things I’d never go anywhere without so I’ll suggest those as well.
- One outfit you feel dressed-up in (in case the occasion arrives) and one outfit you feel very comfortable in. I’d also suggest bringing the warmest outfit you have as well as the coolest outfit you have because of the unpredictable weather. Considering all the rain you should bring a rain coat too. In terms of other clothes, whatever you feel comfortable in or whatever you think would be fun to wear is probably fine. Nobody in this house will look at you odd if you have any fashion quirks, after-all, consider all the weird things I wear.
- Digital camera if you have one. If not, you can take all the pictures you want with either my mom’s camera or Crusifer’s and I can send the pictures to you via e-mail, or just upload them to photo-bucket so you can save them from the internet. In fact, I’d even be able to print a bunch for you before you left.
- Cell phone assuming you have one, and don’t forget your charger! If you have a lot of little electrical gadgets, like a cell phone, lap top, digital camera and a PSP you might want to consider bringing your own power-strip since our outlets tend to be rather full. We have generally about four empty spaces, but that’s like one empty space per power-strip. If it’s only one or two things, don’t worry about it though.
- A hat and a scarf. The rain makes it windy and I’d love to take you don’t to the water front where it’s very windy.
- Identification, perhaps even including your birth certificate if you wish to visit Canada while you’re here. The peace bridge is only about eight blocks from my house so Canada isn’t far at all. But border crossing can be a pain without proper ID. I think you need both your social security card and your birth certificate, or perhaps just two forms of ID, one of which being your birth certificate. If you’re not interested in visiting Canada, I suppose it doesn’t much matter, but it’s always good to have ID just incase of something happening. I suppose you’d need it to get on a plane in the first place come to think of it.
- Any cosmetics, hair brush, jewelry and other girly stuff you can’t live without should be a must bring. Also, just as womanly advice, always bring pads, because you never know, and it sucks to use some other woman’s pads who wears some odd shape you’re not used to. Believe me, I know that from experience. I’ve had to deal with tiny panty liners that wouldn’t do for more than an hour as well as huge pads that felt like diapers because I didn’t have my own. Also, you might want to make your choice on which dates to choose based on your period in case you hadn’t thought about that.
- An extra luggage bag with nothing in it, or with food in it. You’ll probably end up taking more home than you came with. It’s kind of impossible to go an any trip without bringing new things home. If you pack a bag with food then an empty one won’t be needed since it will be empty by the time you’ve eaten all of it.
Whew, I come off as a travel expert don’t I? I suppose I’ve learned a lot about it from all my poor travel choices in the past. I suppose my only last bit of advice is to consider what you normally do to entertain yourself. We won’t be out and about and doing something together for a full six days, so you should consider what you’re going to be doing when you’re by yourself. You’ll be able to use the computers, and we have plenty of crafts, but nothing will substitute whatever makes you feel comfortable in the first place. Hope to be meeting you soon and reading your reply much sooner.
Let’s see here... I know his phone isn’t dead because it was fully charged right before he left. I know he’s not having service problems because he’s not at work. I know it isn’t a work obligation because, well, he’s not at work, and the shop isn’t even open today.
I whole chest aches. If he can’t give me a phone call now I can just imagine going into labor and not being able to get a hold of him. He just doesn’t understand the full implications of his actions, otherwise he wouldn’t tell me he’d probably be back shortly after six o’clock when the mall closes but not call me since five o’clock.
At five o’clock he called, and I excitedly answered (even though I had just fallen asleep, but I decided not to tell him that because I want him to call). He said he was about to leave for the mall with his mom right then, and I said, “Babe the mall closes in an hour, why didn’t you go right away?”
He said, “Some niggas don’t get to see their mom’s everyday. I’m spending time with my mom right now, I told you that!” Could he have been any more defensive?
Trying not to get angry I said, “Why are you getting so defensive. You told me you were going to the mall with your mom and that you were going to buy shoes. So why would I be wrong to wonder why you’re not there?”
“Whatever. I should get going. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He hung up before I can give him a phone-kiss like we always do. I wanted to scream and made a mental note not to expect him before eight o’clock and went back to sleep within half an hour. At eight o’clock my mom called and woke me up telling me there were potatoes downstairs. I ate them with a good enough attitude, but by nine o’clock (after calling him several times) my spirits were down. I watched the last hour of a movie called Rain. I just finished watching it before this entry, and called him again. No answer.
I’m trying so hard to put my full energy into him. In fact, I am putting my full energy into him. I’ve been braiding his hair because he likes how it looks when he takes it out in the morning. I braided his whole head just to give him the pleasure of it being braided, just for it to be taken out a few hours later. I’ve been putting him to sleep every night. I’ve been having sex with him every night. I’ve been doing every little thing I could come up with to do for him besides!
I don’t deserve this shit. There is at least one man out there who would appreciate me more... But I don’t want to give up on him. I feel so trapped in my own emotions. I get so emotional about him that I’m not sure when I’m trusting my gut, my heart, my spirit or my head. It’s all mixed up when it comes to him... When he pulls stunts like this my whole flesh and spirit scream at me to walk away before he causes me anymore pain, and then my entire flesh and spirit screams back that I can’t!
If I do get a hold of him and he’s as defensive or worse as before I don’t know how I’m going to hold myself together. It’s time for the annoying repeatedly calling... That’s one ring through. When I say annoying, I mean annoying for me, not for him. I can feel my heart pounding and I’m sitting still. Redial for the second time... Deep breaths... This is no cause to be getting so worked up.
But it’s ten-fifteen! Come on. When he was here this morning he spent the only time with me fucking me. Yes, he brought me a cup of tea and gave me affection for about ten minutes. Then it was back to his computer which is giving him a hard time... (End of the fifth ring through... Redial.) I understand that he wants to get his laptop configured to it’s maximum capacity and everything and that he’s mid-process and it’s not functional again yet... (Redial.) But for him to spend his only two hours with me on his computers, then leave off with his mom, get defensive on his one phone call, not call when staying out later than expected... (Redial.)
It’s infuriating. Oh! This time it didn’t make it to voice mail! He ignored the call! Now my heart is really pounding... With pure anger. (Redial.) I’m shaking worse than a leaf. I don’t care what his excuse is. (Redial.) There just isn’t an excuse. (Redial, redial, redial, redial, leave a heart-broken message and repeat.)
I don’t even know which one of us is being immature. Well, like he said: Whatever! I’m done calling, seven straight minutes of non-stop dialing isn’t good for my health. I don’t how I’m going to keep from being bitter when (if ever) he gets home tonight... Probably won’t get home tonight.
I know he’s not going to be at his mother’s house this late. Nah, he went out with “da boys” and he’s drinking right now, and Cav won’t answer the phone. You know what, he wants to play this game, then he can forget it. He can forget all of it. One of these days the straw is going to break my back. (Fuck the camel, I’m worried about me here.) I’ll keep forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and one day I’ll be convinced he’s never going to change and then it will be over. Otherwise I’ll just settle for being supported by him despite my loss of love for him, but I doubt I could ever settle for that. I’m too used to being so deeply in love.
I want to scream and shout and throw a hissy-fit all over the place. How stupid, stupid, stupid can I be to really believe things are changing? I know by tomorrow we’ll probably have this worked out all over again, but surely his words will stop soothing me. Just like one day it didn’t matter how much Tre cried or promised. One day (at this bloody rate) it won’t matter what Crusifer says, and I’ll throw everything away to find real love again. I know I’m not at fault this time. I know I did absolutely nothing wrong, and all the more the pitty because I won’t blame myself for any part of this and therefor he’ll get the full score of blame in my memory for this one. I couldn’t have done a damned thing better for him in the entire past week short of taking him a sandwich at work everyday. And hell, most of the week I didn’t have time for that away.
Janeane,
You’re completely right and completely wrong at the same time. I’d like to start out by saying you can’t anger me with honesty, especially not heart-felt honesty. And your point about him being not great, and not nice is a well-taken point though not completely on the mark, but after all, if you only read one entry, of course that would seem to be the case, and many times it is regretfully the case. I should point that out to him.
I like that you pointed this out: “I'm really not digging his going out with other girls so late at night and getting drunk twice in one weekend.” It’s not just that he’s out with other girls (his customers) it’s also how late at night it is. I don’t think 2am until 4am is a reasonable time for him to be hanging out with anyone other than me. It’s disrespectful just by itself. Not calling me makes it three times as bad. It being with a girl and the fact that he was smoking weed with her makes is so bad I can’t even use a multiple. Coming home and “bragging” about it is downright contemptuous and disgusting. That stunt, and then this today... I might as well go hang myself, or at least hang my dreams.
The communication isn’t the best, but it’s actually not that bad. We do talk about things. The real issue is that he’s not very loyal to his own words. He says things like “I don’t need my friends.... I don’t enjoy going out most of the time... I want to improve myself... You are the most important thing in my life... My goal is to get you in that wedding dress,” and more similar things and he also says, “I just want to have fun and have a drink with the boys... I work sixty-fucking-hours a week and if I want to go out with my friends then I’m going to go out with my friends... I don’t have a drinking problem, what’s wrong with a couple drinks here and there? It doesn’t cause problems in my life.”
The real problem is that he’s the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet. An explosion is warranted, but wouldn’t be helpful. I have exploded and all that does is make him more defensive. I look at our relationship as being deseased, and somewhere there is a cure between the two of us, and that cure is based in loving mutual compassion. And that is my goal in life. I do not have career aspirations, and I do not have other friends, and I do not go out and do anything without considering him because I consider that to be a good woman and a good lover and most importantly what a good wife does, and also what a good husband should do. All these men and women out there are living separate lives from their spouses, and all these married people are getting divorces. Perhaps because they spent too much time apart and not enough time connecting with each other and loving each other and doing things together.
Frankly, I don’t care how clingy that sounds. Other loving men out there will agree, and if Crusifer can’t wake up to the type of life I’m trying to give him, then he needs to leave. I do center my life around him, and that is what I want from life, and that is where you’re completely wrong. But you are right that I won’t settle for someone who ignores me. He keeps this act up and he’ll be history very quickly. I need to quit thinking marriage and babies and start thinking in a girlfriend/boyfriend mind-set. I’m trying to be his wife and he’s trying to be my lover. The two don’t go together, and that is that.
Thanks for being honest. I hope you stop by again. Your input is valuable to me.
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