It’s times like these where I want to tell Crusifer that he obviously doesn’t love me. I asked him to call me at midnight if he was going to probably be home later than 12:30am-1:00am time frame. He assured me that he would do this. And as I quoted, he said he didn’t expect to be later than 1:00am at the very latest. Not that the time is really an issue... Rather, him saying he’d be here at a certain time, saying that he’d call me... That’s the issue.
I feel like just doesn’t care enough to keep to what he says. I can’t be certain of what’s going on when he’s out, but I can’t believe that he tells them up-front when he plans on leaving, and how he expects to get home, and why. If he did, then they have to be the worst friends in the world to agree to take him home, and then not do it so regularly.
Surely if he cared enough to keep his word to me, he’d tell them his intentions and make sure it was okay with them. That’s what bothers me. I’m going to stick to the Marriage Fitness plan, and in the spirit of it, I’m not placing down conditions all over the place, and judgements all over the place. I’m welcoming him into my soul yet again. If he doesn’t return the favor within the fourteen weeks than that’s that.
Of course, whose to say that he won’t “stop loving me” again in the future even if he does demonstrate such things within that time period? I suppose there is no way to be sure of anything. I’m tired, but I dare not try to sleep yet. If I did I’d probably just lay there awake thinking, thinking, thinking about what Crusifer might be doing.
Automatically I think that he’s drinking again, that he’s stoned and drunk and being his Cav self. The thought is bitter. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps his phone is dead, and perhaps he’s just a little high, and perhaps he hasn’t drank anything, and perhaps his friends are being dick-heads about the ride they probably promised. Perhaps he’s lost track of time...
My head hurts. My feet hurt. My fingers hurt. I guess I’ll go watch an episode of the Tyra show...
Spiders really are the sign. I asked the spirits for me to never have to see a spider unless something bad enough to warrant it was going to happen. No call. Still not here. I’m trying very hard not to assume the worst... I’m also trying not to worry, but for some reason I always think something bad is going to happen... Perhaps it’s because Buffalo is just not safe... I suppose no where really is though.
I don’t trust his friends. I don’t trust any of them to anything at all. I don’t believe his friends really care about him. It worries me that he would go be with people who are not worth his time to go smoke weed (or to drink)... I’m running of things to occupy my mind. I watched two episodes of the Tyra show and still nothing... It’s going on four in the morning, so I’m not trying to do anything but sleep at this point, but I don’t see how I can sleep when I feel like this...
Cripes, can I make it with him?
4:12am... I feel utterly alone.
I’m nineteen. I care about my health a lot. I care about my health so much that I quit all sugar except honey (and some limited cane sugar), as well as anything with hydrogenated oils, aspartame, or sugar substitutes. I limit my meat and dairy intake.
Health is probably my second priority after having a loving relationship. Without a loving relationship I feel purposeless and find it difficult to care about anything, even my health.
My third priority is creation. I love art, and design. I love to paint, to build, to design, and am embarking on a hobby making board games.
I desperately want to get married and have my first baby. I’d like to have three to six children, but if I find the right man, I may be able to compromise up or down on that number. I want to be a stay at home wife and mother who home schools their children until they go off to high school.
My goal in home schooling my children is to be actively involved in their learning constantly. I want them to dance, and/or practice martial arts as physical training, and/or play sports. I want them to sing without classmates telling them not to, so they can learn the real potential of their voice. I want them to have alone time that is quiet so they can learn how to entertain themselves without outside influences.
I will always give them the same homework every week with a few modifications: one drawing, one book report, one creative writing assignment per week, as well as keeping a journal that they write in at least five times a week. I will teach them how to type and how to take care of a computer shortly after they are able to write fluently. I will teach them about all the different religions at an early age so that they don’t get stuck with any particular ingrained religious beliefs. I will teach them how to respect.
Public schools never taught me any of that. Everything was introduced to me too late to catch my interest. I was always ahead of my class because my parents taught me so much more at home. My goal is that they’ll know everything they need to know to enter college before they enter high school so that they can turn their attention to what all teenagers think about most: friends, sex, drugs and getting along in the real world. Because they’ll be better educated, they’ll be able to make smarter decisions than their classmates, and their grades won’t fall as a result because they’ll go in knowing most everything they need to know. I hope to give them the drive to learn everything they can so that when they discover how stupid most everyone their age is, they’ll turn to reading their text books and making older friends outside of school.
I like to dress gothic. Not because I truly have a goth state of mind, but because I like the expression of goth clothing, and I like how I feel when I wear it as well as how I look. I don’t do it that often, but I don’t want this to be an issue.
I want to share my projects with someone intelligent and interested. I want my partner to be intimately involved with all of my interests, and I want them to bring new things to the table for me to learn about and participate in too.
I have issues sleeping and getting up in the morning. Having someone to put me to sleep with stroking or talking, and someone to wake me up with tea, breakfast or music and workout or dancing changes my entire outlook on life. It makes me feel alive and happy. Without this I tend to sleep in and become depressed. This has been an issue since before I can remember.
I’m the sort of girl who only has room for one person. I put all of my love, attention, affection, energy and spare time into my soul mate and no one else. Once I’m fully in love I only want to fantasize about my lover, and I only want to do things for my lover. Anyone else can receive kind and thoughtful things from me – one a year probably. My lover may receive these things two to five times a day...
I like to caress, and massage. I like to scratch and groom. I like to light candles and wear sexy underwear. I like to cook dinner and lunch. I like to listen about how my lover’s day has gone by. I like to talk about my day too. I like to answer questions, and I value honesty extremely highly. I feel that lack of honesty in a relationship is lack of trust, and without trust, there is no relationship. I don’t like to clean, but if it’s appreciated I’ll do it happily. I’m happy to clean with my lover, even if I do most of the work, just the company makes the difference. I like to dress up in ways that please. I like to do my make up and hair in ways that please. I’ll stay as musty or keep myself as clean as is desired and appreciated. I’ll shave my hairs or grow a bush, all depending on the desires of my spouse.
In the past I didn’t realize how much these things were worth. Now I understand that if someone can’t bend for me, why should they deserve someone as bending as me? I love with all of my heart, and I don’t let anybody in the way of it. I’m loyal by nature, but when neglected, and hurt I do feel tempted to turn away, and as a young teen I did cheat several times. Each time I regretted this with everything I had. It haunted me, and it burned me. I felt I had betrayed myself more than anyone. I don’t believe I could ever cheat again because it hurts so much to do it. I’m too invested in one place to do something like that without ripping up my own heart.
Writing is how I cope. I write to be able to release my pent up emotions. All of my significant others throughout my time dating who have ever seen me write always seemed to be jealous. Not until more recently did I realize this is because I connect to my writing when I feel like my connection with my significant other is damaged. I write sometimes when I’m not feeling this way too, but much, much more when I’m angry, upset or depressed.
I’m rarely angry. My anger disintegrates into depression usually before I can ever act on my anger. I can stay angry, if I keep being pushed, but it’s certainly not something to strive for. When I get upset I cry. I don’t sit there and sniffle in the corner. I weep. This is not something alien or unusual I’ve discovered, but something women just do, and even men, just less often. Crying is sometimes the only way to let out an emotion that can’t be properly expresses in words or actions. I cry shamelessly. I don’t try to hide my tears, and I don’t try to use them as a weapon. They are what they are. I’m vulnerable as I cry, and I know this. I’m more likely to accept a promise I doubt will be fulfilled. I’m more likely to accept a warm embrace than I was for the short time that I was angry. I just want to be comforted when I cry, until I’m calm. When I’m calm again, I’d love to discuss things civilly or go to sleep and discuss things another time.
I, like anyone else, believe that I’m right. In a relationship the need to be right can be a destructive force. When fully in love I’m more likely to back down and say that time will tell, or that I could be wrong, and so forth. I’m not going to press a point unless I fully believe in it. I’m willing to change my mind, and I’m willing to listen to other perspectives, and I’m fully willing to say that I was wrong. These things don’t bother me in the least. I am always seeking truth.
Changing my mind is as simple as coming up with a more logical argument. I used to believe that it was possible to love more than one person at a time. It is possible, but it’s not possible to fully love two people at a time. It’s not possible to give yourself fully to two people at a time. Therefore, it’s something you should simply not let happen. Don’t touch people who are not your family or your spouse. Don’t call up your friends to discuss your problems, call your spouse. These actions generate love with your lover, and don’t send out love elsewhere. I don’t want to be in a predicament where I can’t choose between two people, so now that I know how to prevent it from happening, I don’t let it happen. Not that I find anything wrong with fantasies about celebrities and such, but once I’m really in love, all my fantasies circle around my spouse and no one else. Fantasies about close friends, that can be an issue, because those fantasies might be stemming from the genuine opportunity to have sex with that person, and once that line is crossed genuine emotions can seed and grow.
I used to believe that having an open relationship was a functional way to live. I thought that it would be more satisfying sexually and more exciting. From my few aborted attempts at having an open relationship I realize that it’s way too painful on both ends. Both people in a loving relationship want to assert ownership, and they want to assert that there is something special that only they have, and love is to illusive to count on, so we pin our faithfulness and ownership on the one person we have sex with. After numerous experiences I’ve come to the conclusion that sex is a dime a dozen. Sex from one person to another isn’t that different or that special. It’s the person that you’re having sex with, and the way you feel about that person that changes things. In reality, a penis is a penis, and a vagina is a vagina. The size counts, but only to a degree. How wet she gets counts, but only to a degree. And when you really love someone, you’re past these petty cares and just care about expressing your love through bringing your lover to orgasm.
Honestly, most of the time I couldn’t give a damn about reaching an orgasm. It’s wonderful to cum, obviously. It feel great, and leaves me smiling and giddy. But my orgasm only brings me moments of physical pleasure. I enjoy my lover’s orgasm more, because that makes me feel like I’ve done my job as a woman. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something amazing. It makes me feel like I have the right to want everything I want from a relationship. It makes me feel good about being the person that I am. It’s such a fulfilling experience that I can’t say there is much else better in life.
It also makes me feel useful. I think that being physically weak my entire life has made me feel rather useless. I suck at sports. I’m easily worn out. I do love ice skating, swimming, dancing and practicing martial arts, but I’m pretty much equally bad at all of these activities. I struggle with the weight of groceries, and I bruise easily. A long day of cleaning can make me very worn out. This is one of the major reasons why my health is so very important to me. Eating right has brought me more energy than I’ve ever had, even as a young child. I find that I am growing stronger over the months, and now years since my dietary changes, but I do still need to get more physical exercise. I bike and dance mostly to get my exercise, as well as doing a cross between martial-art type moves and yoga in my bed room. In short, my physical ineptitude makes me feel bad about myself sometimes, so I find it important to have a partner who is understanding of my struggle with my physical strength and who is willing to help me when I can’t physically handle something.
I pride myself on my other traits, like my deductive abilities, my vocabulary, my hobbies, and my creative ideas and projects. Activities that involve drinking, smoking or other drugs don’t interest me, and I consider that entire scene to be something to be avoided. While I try not to hold it against anybody, I prefer to have sober friends, family and partner. If you’re not a sober person, I probably won’t be around for very long, especially with all of my extremely negative experiences with drug use in the past. I’ll go as far as a few hits of weed every six months or so if I find an opportunity to have a really good time doing it, but even that is unlikely. I find little point in attending clubs, but I am willing to go if I can dance with my lover, because I love to dance.
I’m probably going to get sick. I got sick once before when I was so upset with Crusifer. I think it’s going to happen again, since my frustration has been crossed with the heat-wave, and a rush of exercise I have not had in a long time, and sleep issues... My throat has been sore all day long. I’m miserable. My heart is just aching so bad I can’t even focus on much else.
I’ve spent the day moping. Mom and I have been moping together, being cynics about men. Twenty-some years with my father has certainly made her opinion of men pretty bad. I seem to either talk about this or cry, or both.
I’ve believed that this was the one for so long... To just throw it all out the window... Is so blatantly impossible when he behaves like the man I want... Only to show me later that it was lies. I want to bash my head into the floor until I’m so vapid that nothing can hurt me ever again!
I don’t understand why... I can’t wrap his character about my brain in such a way that I can fully understand. Right now I wish it wasn’t ten o’clock because I won’t be ready to talk to him in an hour. I won’t be able to hold myself together. I’m burning up... I’m restless and angry and depressed and... I, I, I, I! I wish I could know so much about how he feels!
I want from him less than what I’m willing to give him. This is more than reasonable... All except in the area of funds, but christ, who gives a shit about funds next to love and fulfillment and happiness. And sappy as that sounds. So I’m a sap! Want to make something of it?
Pussy. Pansy. Wimp. Sap. It’s all the same difference. I am what I am. He is what he is. I’m just so confused as to how someone so logical, so understanding...
I feel like I’m going to explode. My every thought is silenced by another thought. If I just give him the right conditions – but conditions will push him away... If I just give him enough sex – but I had sex with him yesterday morning and he completely closed himself off to me since then, and he went out and didn’t get back until 4:30am. If I could just make him see how much I care – but he already knows that I put him first. He loves me too much for me to just leave – but if he loves me so much then why can’t he do simple things like call me, and set aside time to talk without distraction. He’s better than the people he works with – but he smokes weed with them, tattoos in the same shop as them, talks to the same customers, uses the same words... I spent a year and a half with him, I can’t just throw it away carelessly – but two years with Tre was more than enough, and I should have cut that off sooner – or should I have? I learned a lot from my time with Tre.
You see why I’m exploding? I’m a run-on argument with myself. I want to cry, but crying doesn’t help, but it does release emotion, but it doesn’t resolve anything, but I don’t know what else to do. Connecting with my writing can’t replace my connection with a person, but what can I do when I feel disconnected from the one I love? Talking soothes problems and can clear the air, but everything I say seems to make no different, and I don’t want to be accused on lying, and he won’t open up to me anyway, but if I don’t tell him how I feel then how can I blame him for not telling me how he feels, and why won’t he open up to me anyway?
I wish I could summon Mort Fertel and Mark Hyman from their day to day lives to spend five days with each other and me. We’d eat organic foods and discuss the health of body, mind and soul. We’d discuss love and relationships and the paths of life. I know now why I won’t get a psychiatrist – no doctor has ever helped me except the one I never met – Dr. Mark Hyman, and no relationship advice from anyone ever made sense to me except that of Mort Fertel...
Hallie,
I had no idea that you were a Unitarian Universalist. Did you know that I go to a UU church and that last night when I went dancing with my mom and dad that it was at that church?
I also had no idea you played Neopets. I used to love Neopets, but after I had three accounts locked I got pissed off because I never got to spend any of the NP I spent hours and days collecting before I got a locked account at about 200,000np which is about enough to finally buy some fun stuff.
I’ve heard that Age of Conan is good, but I don’t know all that much about it. I’m assuming it’s another Age of Empires type of game considering those who have told me that they were playing it. I’ve never played World of Warcraft online, since I’ve been told it’s much like Final Fantasy XI online.
I never thought about it that way... What you said about Crusifer adopting those things in middle school being okay, but still having them being preposterous. I suppose there isn’t much point in me telling Crusifer that though... Either there really isn’t much point, or I’m too depressed to see it.
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