The Art of Happiness

Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 1:50am

Random note on my current situation: My boyfriend had to work late again tonight. He’s probably not working anymore though, he’s likely smoking a blunt at Frankie’s house and playing Call of Duty. I don’t think he’s really made any real attempt to cut back on the weed yet, though he’s claimed to. It would likely take himself twice as long to wean himself from the weed as it has the alcohol; and that was two years. I’m not going to wait another four for him to come to his senses, that’s for sure.
Side note: My boyfriend just got home at 2:30am and he smells like garbage, weed and other assorted smells that clash. He seems to be a bit disoriented.

Subject of the entry: Something that stuck me in “The Art of Happiness” that I just read was; one of the main causes of suffering is “resistence to change.” I guess that’s what’s going on here in my life. I need change, but I fear it. I’m afraid of regret; which is another topic in the chapter I just read.
Yet again, I recommend this book to anyone. It’s premise:
"Over time I became convinced that the Dalai Lama had learned how to live with a sense of fulfillment and a degree of serenity that I had never seen in other people. ...Although he is a Buddhist monk with a lifetime of Buddhist training and study, I began to wonder if one could identify a set of his beliefs or practices that could be utilized by non-Buddhists as well – practices that could be directly applied to our lives to simply help us to become happier, strong, perhaps less afraid." [pages 3-4]
"When I initially conceived of this book, I envisioned a conventional self-help format in which the Dalai Lama would present clear and simple solutions to all life's problems. ...By the end of our series of meetings I had given up on that idea. I found that his approach encompassed a much broader and more complex paradigm." [pages 7-8]
"Underlying all the Dalai Lama's methods there is a set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: a belief in the fundamental gentleness and goodness of all human beings, a belief in the value of compassion, a belief in a policy of kindness, and a sense of commonality among all living creatures." [page 8]
I find, that thus far in the book, I have yet to disagree. It’s simply packed with simply put wisdom. I’d like to have a shortened version of the book to refer to on a regular basis, so hence the following notes:

::The Purpose of Life::

*We have the right to happiness, and this is the goal in life.
* External events affect short-term happiness, but then happiness levels return to a baseline
* Feelings of happiness are generally how we perceive our situation; how satisfied we are with what we have
* Our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare
* Use inner contentment to fight greed
* Pleasure (i.e. sex), which may provide a temporary sense of happiness is not sustainable

Training the Mind for Happiness:
Since the source of happiness is mental, the most effective way to seek happiness is by training our minds in the ways of happiness. This is a gradual, lifelong process. "The practice of Dharma is a constant battle within, replacing previous negative conditioning or habituation with new positive conditioning. ... Through training we can change; we can transform ourselves." [page 43]
Reclaiming our Innate State of Happiness: "I believe that every one of us has the basis to be happy, to access the warm and compassionate states of mind that bring happiness: In fact it is one of my fundamental beliefs that not only do we inherently possess the potential for compassion, but I believe that the basic or underlying nature of human beings is gentleness." [page 52]

* Once basic human needs are met, no other worldly items are needed to achieve complete happiness
* Negative emotions and behaviors are harmful, whereas positive ones are helpful in achieving happiness
* Motivate yourself for each day and try to assess progress each day before going to bed
* The proper utilization of our intelligence and knowledge is to effect changes from within to develop a good heart

::Human Warmth and Compassion::

* Empathizing with people’s suffering is a good exercise
* When meeting someone new, think of what you have in common

A New Model of Intimacy:
The Dalai Lama bases his relationships not on the specifics of people's personalities, but on the general aspects of the human condition: All people want to be happy and escape suffering. By developing compassion for the human condition, a person can relate to anyone and need never be lonely or lack for companionship.
Deepening our Connection to Others:
Relationships based on compassion (on desiring that all people be happy and escape suffering) are based on unchanging aspects of the human condition, and so are more stable than relationships based on status, common interests, wealth, sex, or romance.
The Value and Benefits of Compassion:
Developing the ability to view all people with compassion is a key component of having healthy, stable relationships with others and being happy.

::Transforming Suffering::

* No one is without suffering – it is natural and normal
* Face problems head on – don’t push them aside
* One can be prepared by familiarizing oneself with the types of suffering that can occur to people

Facing Suffering:
Though specific pains and misfortunes are avoidable, pain and misfortune in general are not. A healthy outlook is not to be surprised when pain and misfortune occur. We transform misfortune into suffering by our mental reactions. Learning to tolerate misfortune is the first step on the path towards liberation from suffering.

* In large part, whether you suffer depends on how you respond to a given situation. Dwelling on a painful event, guilt or regret magnifies the suffering
* Don’t personalize pain – it happens to everyone
* Accept the changes that are inevitable in life (i.e. people get older and changes are associated with that).

Self-Created Suffering:
-Replaying painful or humiliating scenes in our minds, stoking up our negative feelings.
-Refusing to recognize the impermanence of things.
-Resistence to change.

Shifting Perspective:
*Nothing and no one is bad from every possible perspective.
*Look for where you yourself are at fault whenever thinking about where others are at fault.
* There is a tendency of seeing someone who has wronged you as 100% bad.
*Try to think of the positive qualities of people who you feel wronged by
* Hatred can be the biggest stumbling block to developing compassion and happiness.
* Enemies can be great teachers; they can serve as practice for developing patience and tolerance.

Finding Meaning in Pain and Suffering:
Pain and suffering are easier to endure if we find meaning in them. Our own suffering gives us empathy with the suffering of others and increases our compassion. It also motivates us to progress on the path of liberation.

::Overcoming Obstacles::

Bringing About Change:
The Dalai Lama describes a five step process for changing oneself: Learning, conviction, determination, action, and effort. It is possible to train yourself to habitually respond to the world with positive mental states rather than negative ones, but it is a long, gradual process.

* Remind yourself of the destructive effects of negative behavior.
* Challenge yourself to combat anger and hatred.
* Patience and tolerance are antidotes to anger and hatred.
* During depression, collect evidence that contradicts the negative emotions (i.e. I’m not a failure because I’ve done XYZ and that makes me not a failure).

Dealing With Anger and Hatred:
* Anger and hatred are our biggest enemies
* When anger and hatred come about, analyze the cause of them and combat them with cultivation of patience and tolerance

Dealing With Anxiety and Building Self-Esteem:
*Cultivating sincere motivation decreases anxiety.
*Honesty and compassion are antidotes to self-hatred, and build a healthy form of self-esteem.
*Cognitive intervention – this is done the same way as with anger and hatred: replace anxiety causing thoughts with well-reasoned positive thoughts and attitudes.
*If there is no solution to a given problem, there is no sense in worrying about it.
*The closer one gets to being motivated by altruism, the more fearless one becomes in the face of even extremely anxiety-provoking circumstances.

::Quotes::

“In generating compassion, you start by recognizing that you do not want suffering and that you have a right to have happiness. This can be verified or validated by your own experience. You then recognize that other people, just like yourself, also do not want to suffer and that they have a right to have happiness. So this becomes the basis of your beginning to generate compassion.
“So…let us mediate on compassion today. Begin by visualizing a person who is acutely suffering, someone who is in pain or is in a very unfortunate situation. For the first three minutes of the meditation, reflect on that individual’s suffering in a more analytic way—think about their intense suffering and the unfortunate state of that person’s existence. After thinking about that person’s suffering for a few minutes, next, try to relate that to yourself, thinking, ‘that individual has the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy, happiness, and suffering that I do.’ Then, try to allow your natural response to arise—a natural feeling of compassion towards that person. Try to arrive at a conclusion: thinking how strongly you wish for that person to be free from that suffering. And resolve that you will help that person to be relieved from their suffering. Finally, place your mind single-pointedly on that kind of conclusion or resolution, and for the last few minutes of the meditation try to simply generate your mind in a compassionate or loving state.”

"But then there's another level of spirituality. That is what I call basic spirituality – basic human qualitites of goodness, kindness, compassion, caring. Whether we are believers or non believers, this kind of spirituality is essential. I personally consider this second level of spirituality to be more important than the first." [page 307]

"The idea that everyone should be a Buddhist is quite extreme. And that kind of extreme thinking just causes problems. ... Now, when confronted with another religion, initially a positive feeling, a comfortable feeling will arise. We'll feel if that person finds a different tradition more suitable, more effective, then that's good!" [page 197]

“This afternoon, let us meditate on the practice of Tong-Len, ‘Giving and Receiving.’ This practice is meant to help train the mind, to strengthen the natural power and force of compassion. This is achieved because Tong-Len meditation helps counteract our selfishness. It increases the power and strength of our mind by enhancing our courage to open ourselves to others’ suffering.
“To begin this exercise, first visualize on one side of you a group of people who are in desperate need of help, those who are in an unfortunate state of suffering, those living under conditions of poverty, hardship and pain. Visualize this group of people on one side of you clearly in your mind. Then, on the other side, visualize yourself as the embodiment of a self-centered person, with a customary selfish attitude, indifferent to the well-being and needs of others. And then in between this suffering group of people and this selfish representation of you see yourself in the middle, as a neutral observer.
“Next, notice which side you are naturally inclined towards. Are you more inclined towards that single individual, the embodiment of selfishness? Or do your natural feelings of empathy reach out to the group of weaker people who are in need? If you look objectively, you can see that the well-being of a group or large number of individuals is more important than that of one single individual.
“After that, focus your attention on the needy and desperate people. Direct all your positive energy to them. Mentally give them your successes, your resources, your collection of virtues. And after you have done that, visualize taking upon yourself their suffering, their problems, and all their negativities.
“For example, you can visualize an innocent starving child from Somalia and feel how you would respond naturally towards that sight. In this instance, when you experience a deep feeling of empathy towards the suffering of that individual, it isn’t based on considerations like ‘He’s my relative’ or ‘She’s my friend.’ You don’t even know that person. But the fact that the other person is a human being and you, yourself, are a human being allows your natural capacity for empathy to emerge and enable you to reach out. So you can visualize something like that and think, ‘This child has no capacity of his or her own to be able to relieve himself or herself from his or her present state of difficulty or hardship.’ Then, mentally take upon yourself all the suffering of poverty, starvation, and the feeling of deprivation, and mentally give your facilities, wealth, and success to this child. So, through practicing this kind of ‘giving-and-receiving’ visualization, you can train your mind.
“When engaging in this practice it is sometimes helpful to being by first imagining your own future suffering and, with an attitude of compassion, take your own future suffering upon yourself right now, with the sincere wish of freeing yourself from all future suffering. After you gain some practice in generating a compassionate state of mind towards yourself, you can then expand the process to include taking on the suffering of others.
“When you do the visualization of ‘taking upon yourself,’ it is useful to visualize these sufferings, problems, and difficulties in the form of poisonous substances, dangerous weapons, or terrifying animals—things the very sight of which normally makes you shudder. So, visualize the suffering in these forms, and then absorb them directly into your heart.
“The purpose of visualizing these negative and frightening forms being dissolved into our hearts is to destroy our habitual selfish attitudes that reside there. However, for those individuals who may have problems with self-image, self-hatred, anger towards themselves, or low self-esteem, then it is important to judge for themselves whether this particular practice is appropriate or not. It may not be.
“This Tong-Len practice can become quite powerful if you combine the ‘giving and receiving’ with the breath; that is, imagine ‘receiving’ when inhaling and ‘giving’ when exhaling. When you do this visualization effectively, it will make you feel some slight discomfort. This is an indication that it is hitting its target—the self-centered, egocentric attitude that we normally have. Now, let us meditate.”

“Let us imagine a scenario in which someone who you know very well, someone who is close or dear to you, is in a situation in which he or she loses his or her temper. You can imagine this occurring either in a very acrimonious relationship or in a situation in which something personally upsetting is happening. The person is so angry that he or she has lost all his or her mental composure, creating very negative vibrations, even going to the extent of beating himself or herself up or breaking things.
“Then, reflect upon the immediate effects of the person’s rage. You’ll see a physical transformation happening to that person. This person whom you feel close to, whom you like, the very sight of whom gave you pleasure in the past, now turns into this ugly person, even physically speaking. The reason why I think you should visualize this happening to someone else is because it is easier to see the faults of others than to see your own faults. So, using your imagination, do this meditation and visualization for a few minutes.
“At the end of that visualization, analyze the situation and relate the circumstances to your own experience. See that you yourself have been in this state many times. Resolve that ‘I shall never let myself fall under the sway of such intense anger and hatred, because if I do that, I will be in the same position. I will also suffer all these consequences, lose my peace of mind, lose my composure, assume this ugly physical appearance,’ and so on. So once you make that decision, then for the last few minutes of the meditation focus your mind on that conclusion; without further analysis, simply let your mind remain on your resolution not to fall under the influence of anger and hatred.”

“Let us do another meditation using visualization. Begin by visualizing someone whom you dislike, someone who annoys you, causes a lot of problems for you, or gets on your nerves. Then, imagine a scenario in which the person irritates you, or does something that offends you or annoys you. And, in your imagination, when you visualize this, let your natural response follow; just let it flow naturally. Then see how you feel, see whether that causes the rate of your heartbeat to go up, and so on. Examine whether you are comfortable or uncomfortable; see if you immediately become more peaceful or if you develop an uncomfortable mental feeling. Judge for yourself; investigate. So for a few minutes, three or four minutes perhaps, judge, and experiment. And then at the end of your investigation, if you discover that ‘Yes, it is of no use to allow that irritation to develop. Immediately I lose my peace of mind,’ then say to yourself, ‘In the future, I will never do that.’ Develop that determination. Finally for the last few minutes of the exercise, place your mind single-pointedly upon that conclusion or determination. So that’s the meditation.”

“The purpose of this exercise is to begin to recognize and get a feel for the nature of our mind, at least on a conventional level. Generally, when we refer to our ‘mind,’ we are talking about an abstract concept. Without having a direct experience of our mind, for example, if we are asked to identify the mind, we may be compelled to merely point to the brain. Or, if we are asked to define the mind, we may say it is something that has the capacity to ‘know,’ something that is ‘clear’ and ‘cognitive.’ But without having directly grasped the mind through meditative practices, these definitions are just words. It’s important to be able to identify the mind through direct experience, not just as an abstract concept. So the purpose of this exercise is to be able to directly feel or grasp the conventional nature of the mind, so when you say the mind has qualities of ‘clarity’ and ‘cognition,’ you will be able to identify it through experience, not just as an abstract concept.

“This exercise helps you to deliberately stop the discursive thoughts and gradually remain in that state for a longer and longer duration. As you practice this exercise, eventually you will get to a feeling as if there is nothing there, a sense of vacuity. But if you go farther, you eventually begin to recognize the underlying nature of the mind, the qualities of ‘clarity’ and ‘knowing.’ It is similar to having a pure crystal glass of water. If the water is pure, you can see the bottom of the glass, but you still recognize that the water is there.
“So, today, let us meditate on nonconceptuality. This is not a mere state of dullness, or a blanked-out state of mind. Rather, what you should do is, first of all, generate the determination that ‘I will maintain a state without conceptual thoughts.’ The way in which you should do this is this:
“Generally speaking, our mind is predominantly directed towards external objects. Our attention follows after the sense experiences. It remains at a predominantly sensory and conceptual level. In other words, normally our awareness is directed towards physical sensory experiences and mental concepts. But in this exercise, what you should do is to withdraw your mind inward; don’t let it chase after or pay attention to sensory objects. At the same time, don’t allow it to be so totally withdrawn that there is a kind of dullness or lack of mindfulness. You should maintain a very full state of alertness and mindfulness, and then try to see the natural state of your consciousness—a state in which your consciousness is not afflicted by thoughts of the past, the things that have happened, your memories and remembrances; nor is it afflicted by thoughts of the future, like your future plans, anticipations, fears, and hopes. But rather, try to remain in a natural and neutral state.
“This is a bit like a river that is flowing quite strongly, in which you cannot see the riverbed very clearly. If, however, there was some way you could stop the flow in both directions, from where the water is coming and to where the water is flowing, then you could keep the water still. That would allow you to see the base of the river quite clearly. Similarly, when you are able to stop your mind from chasing sensory objects and thinking about the past and future and so on, and when you can free your mind from being totally ‘blanked out’ as well, then you will begin to see underneath this turbulence of the thought processes. There is an underlying stillness, an underlying clarity of the mind. You should try to observe or experience this…
“This can be very difficult at the initial stage, so let us begin to practice from this very session. At the initial state, when you begin to experience this underlying natural state of consciousness, you might experience it in the form of some sort of ‘absence.’ This is happening because we are so habituated to understanding our mind in terms of external objects; we tend to look at the world through our concepts, images, and so on. So when you withdraw your mind from external objects, it’s almost as if you can’t recognize your mind. There’s a kind of absence, a kind of vacuity. However, as you slowly progress and get used to it, you begin to notice an underlying clarity, a luminosity. That’s when you begin to appreciate and realize the natural state of the mind.
“Many of the truly profound meditative experiences must come on the basis of this kind of stillness of mind….Oh,” the Dalai Lama laughed, “I should warn that in this type of meditation, since there is no specific object to focus on, there is a danger of falling asleep.
“So, now let us meditate…
“To begin, first do three rounds of breathing, and focus your attention simply on the breath. Just be aware of inhaling, exhaling, and then inhaling, exhaling—three times. Then, start the meditation.”




Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 4:15am

Matt,
I was curled up, comfortable, and theoretically near sleep. The laptop was shut off. The lights are off. The resident male is asleep. And then, I had some thoughts too profound to be ignored.
A pillar and a bowl... I’ve been thinking about that concept long and hard. My pillar... You? My mom? Certainly not My Boyfriend. My bowl... My blog? My First Love? Certainly not My Boyfriend. More and more I realize that My Boyfriend’s mind-set is that this is an exchange of services, and I find the exchange of services themselves without the actual genuine intimacy aspect to be completely worthless. If we’re just trading services, than I’m a cheap whore.
I’ve finally come to a very difficult realization; and that is that everything that sex has to offer is only actually received if you can receive everything it has to offer without having it. To elaborate; sex is good for the body; it’s a healthy exercise. But, if the person you’re having sex with is not “good for you” mentally, then you’re going to go through enough stress to counteract the benefits of the exercise. Sex is a great metal release from stress. But, if the person you’re having it with causes you stress, again, it’s negated. And most importantly, sex is very temporary and in long-term it provides carnal benefits, not life-long fulfilling benefits (in and of itself, not counting children.)
At the exact same moment I had that realization, the impact of another hit me as well; I also realized why I’ve been experiencing difficulty with my hormones around you (at times, less so in recent encounters, but nonetheless, this is still a valid point): It brings to mind the quote I read recently; “The desire for intimacy is the desire to share one’s innermost self with another.” That’s half the reason, and I believe the other half is that my life is so lacking in genuine loving human contact that I feel desperate to claim you. I’ve felt as if I could just win you over, or if I could just claim you, and create some sort of false permanence.
Now, I understand that these concepts are completely ludicrous. It’s as you put it (in reference to kissing in particular); “Somehow that actually feels farther away. You know?” I didn’t then, but I do now.
In compilation with these thoughts, I consider recent events: My Boyfriend and I didn’t see each other all Sunday, hardly saw each other Saturday either, and then yesterday and today he came home at 2:30am very intoxicated. Both times he asked for sex, verbally, no less. Those are the only words he’s spoked to me in person for two days. The same phrase, “don’t you want to fuck me?” And my reply, “No.” How can I want to have sex with someone I have not seen since Friday?! And to top that off, if I recall correctly we had a dumb quarrel on Friday as well. I handled it well enough then, because things had been going fine then for a long time, but this time I understand the pattern, now I see the common factors.
My Boyfriend is looking for temporary pleasure; he revolves his life around it; weed, hanging out, video games and sex. Aside from that he works, does artistic things and tries to learn to program. No where in there does he try to find meaning in life, self-satisfaction, or does he go out of his way to learn anything that isn’t related to 3D-modeling or something along those lines. He doesn’t retain anything from our “meaningful” conversations because he has no personal opinions about anything that isn’t in the pre-specified categories. Externally, he seems very much like me, and yet internally we’re not anywhere near as alike as I thought.
Of course, on a universal level, we’re all trying to cope with the fact that life is full of suffering, and some of us are just doing better than others. My method has been to hitch on to one person and try to revolve my life around that one person. Is it possible for this to work? Sure, if you find another person willing to do the same thing for you who is available for at least half your waking hours, and all of your sleeping ones. Probable? Not really.
It’s all beginning to make sense now. Why I’ve been unhappy when I’ve been unhappy, and why I’ve been happy when I’ve been happy. Happiness is a direct result of compassion, intimacy and fulfillment, which are only gained through knowledge, discipline and a clam state of mind. Keeping those things in mind... It just opens up a new world.
In this new world of understanding I have also realized that the people who like me are the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The more intelligent, the more they like me. This makes sense in retrospect to what I just said about knowledge and compassion. The more intelligent the person, the more they recognize the possibility of gaining a “intimate” (in the completely non-traditional sense) relationship with me through my honesty, openness, directness, and compassion for others.
Starting with this positive self-image, I can work on my judgmental habits and my one-person habit...
And it all comes back to you because of the doors you opened up in my mind to even get me to this point. Concepts like, “how ever you took it is fine” and “social introversion” and “you were born, you already won,” and “we’re all completely subjective.”
It all comes back to you because you are the anomaly that proves so much that I believed completely wrong. For that, I’ve wanted to thank you, but instead I’ve tried in pitiful ways to be antagonizing. I’ve purposely tried to be hurtful because I wanted to believe you’d care enough to be hurt. I’ve been jealous, and so I’ve tried to claim you. I’ve been angry with my life, and so I’ve placed on you the expectation of fixing everything; after all, you claimed that’s what you wanted to do. I’ve tried to push your boundaries to their limit, betraying myself more than anyone else. In other words, I’ve handled this all wrong, and I know I don’t need to apologize to you, I just wanted you to know that I’m forgiving myself and moving forward; just like you would want me to.
I like talking to you; it makes me think about new things, and no one else ever does that. It’s depressing that no one is teaching me anything. As My First Love complained about Janet; “She’ll never say the phrase ‘I’ve recently learned...’.”
I want to spend more time out and doing things. I want to spend more time with you. I want to build pillars and carve bowls, and then to eat raspberries out of salty bowls while basking under a many-pillared gazebo on a misty day. And I want you to be there.
I see now that we can be closer now the way we are than if we were the way My Boyfriend and I are. You’re right, it would have to be years. You’re too valuable to me to throw away on sex; after-all, no one really stays friends with their exes. And ex is an ex.
Work with me, help me help myself and let me help you help yourself, would you? Assume that everything I’ve ever said to you has changed somewhat if not entirely.

Atara



Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 4:15am

I was curled up, comfortable, and theoretically near sleep. The laptop was shut off. The lights are off. The resident male is asleep. And then, I had some thoughts too profound to be ignored.
More and more I realize that My Boyfriend’s mind-set is that this is an exchange of services, and I find the exchange of services themselves without the actual genuine intimacy aspect to be completely worthless. If we’re just trading services, than I’m a cheap whore.
I’ve finally come to a very difficult realization; and that is that everything that sex has to offer is only actually received if you can receive everything it has to offer without having it. To elaborate; sex is good for the body; it’s a healthy exercise. But, if the person you’re having sex with is not “good for you” mentally, then you’re going to go through enough stress to counteract the benefits of the exercise. Sex is a great metal release from stress. But, if the person you’re having it with causes you stress, again, it’s negated. And most importantly, sex is very temporary and in long-term it provides carnal benefits, not life-long fulfilling benefits (in and of itself, not counting children.)
In compilation with these thoughts, I consider recent events: My boyfriend and I didn’t see each other all Sunday, hardly saw each other Saturday either, and then yesterday and today he came home at 2:30am very intoxicated. Both times he asked for sex, verbally, no less. Those are the only words he’s spoked to me in person for two days. The same phrase, “don’t you want to fuck me?” And my reply, “No.” How can I want to have sex with someone I have not seen since Friday?! And to top that off, if I recall correctly we had a dumb quarrel on Friday as well. I handled it well enough then, because things had been going fine then for a long time, but this time I understand the pattern, now I see the common factors.
He is looking for temporary pleasure; he revolves his life around it; weed, hanging out, video games and sex. Aside from that he works, does artistic things and tries to learn to program. No where in there does he try to find meaning in life, self-satisfaction, or does he go out of his way to learn anything that isn’t related to 3D-modeling or something along those lines. He doesn’t retain anything from our “meaningful” conversations because he has no personal opinions about anything that isn’t in the pre-specified categories. Externally, he seems very much like me, and yet internally we’re not anywhere near as alike as I thought.
Of course, on a universal level, we’re all trying to cope with the fact that life is full of suffering, and some of us are just doing better than others. My method has been to hitch on to one person and try to revolve my life around that one person. Is it possible for this to work? Sure, if you find another person willing to do the same thing for you who is available for at least half your waking hours, and all of your sleeping ones. Probable? Not really.
In this new world of understanding I have also realized that the people who like me are the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The more intelligent, the more they like me. This makes sense in retrospect to what I just said about knowledge and compassion. The more intelligent the person, the more they recognize the possibility of gaining a “intimate” (in the completely non-traditional sense) relationship with me through my honesty, openness, directness, and compassion for others.
Starting with this positive self-image, I can work on my judgmental habits and my one-person habit...






Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 3:39pm

Books change a person’s life. I knew that, and yet, I didn’t know that, if you know what I mean. It’s so different to ‘understand a concept’ and to see the impact of that concept in your day to day experiences. You may follow along when someone talks about a loved one who died, but until it actually happens you don’t realize how much you missed while they were speaking.

Spilling It To The Random Dude

Monday January, 19th 2008 at 12:19pm

The second day.
Of what?
Of feeling like a total ass, a complete idiot, like a played fool, like I’m nothing...
I tried yesterday to be cheerful despite my boyfriend’s obvious anger with me. Despite the fact that he was gone for over twelve hours. I tried to keep a level head and I think I did a good job. I didn’t cry, I hardly moped, I finished making my first demo-board-game of my own. (Cards printed on cardstock, cutout and then cased.) I got quite a few things done, indeed.
I didn’t write. I can’t imagine writing right now either. It’s amazing how many times I sit down with the intention of writing and how little I end up writing. It’s not lack of effort; it’s lack of mental discipline.
It’s one of those times where I feel inclined to say “I wish I were dead” but that’s just because I feel lonely, not because I actually want to die. What’s interesting is the part I just read yesterday in “The Art of Happiness” talks about where loneliness...

“Damn it. It all points to my idiotic...”
“Sorry,” he says.
I snort.
“Not doing anything anymore... well a lot of homework, but that’s it.”
“Always busy,” I mean it in a condescending way at that moment, “It's respectable, but not useful for me. I've been thinking about that...”
“About what?” he asks.
“How I want people to be able to make plans and to live a full life, but also how I want everyone to have tons of time for me,” I laugh humorlessly. “I'm a jealous person, I really am. I admit that. I feel so much anxiety and anger towards my boyfriend and his mom just because they had a good time yesterday while he was out ignoring me.
“I've been thinking how nice it would be to have someone who wasn't close to their family – even though I also want someone who is emotionally stable (and not having a good family generally does not support that.)” I have a person in mind.
“I was thinking I'd like a person who is to me like my boyfriend’s best friend is to my boyfriend... But the only reason he calls my boyfriend every single morning.... Is because he is a loser. I don't want a loser friend. I just want a friend who likes me that much.
“But maybe you only like someone that much if you're a loser? I don't know... But this book has made me realize how I purposely have isolated myself. It's also making me realize that my loneliness is entirely my fault, and completely based on my idealistic views of a relationship.
“And while I'd love to have that magical relationship where I'm one with that other person, where no time is need spent apart; I can't have that. No one is going to give that to me. Unless they're just like me – in which case, we'd have other problems.
“Rage and lust are very much related,” I comment, picking up on a topic he and I had been discussing on Saturday. “Though while loneliness leads me to lust, it does not lead me to rage. They're just both equally difficult to deal with and control. Besides, it figures that a man said that. Men always seem angrier and hornier than women.”


Tuesday January, 20th 2008 at 2:19am

Justin says: (1:30:49 AM): hi, how are you?

I say: (1:35:52 AM): Hello. I've been better, but I'm pretty good, you?

Justin says: (1:36:19 AM): okay, cant sleep. So how old are you?

I say: (1:37:31 AM): About to be 20... In like ten days.

Justin says: (1:37:46 AM): happy b-day; early b-day; big plans? get drunk?

I say: (1:38:40 AM): Yes and no. All my friends and family are going to play board games with me all day. I don't drink. I quit, it was really destructive... I basically acted like your typical dumb 18 year old girl when I was 14 and got over it by 17.

Justin says: (1:40:41 AM): What are you going to do at 21? You type fat- I mean fast. I mean, you’re not fat.

I say: (1:42:40 AM): At 21 hopefully I'll be going on a cool trip surrounded by true friends who I share a real link of compassion with. No, not fat. I was a little overweight a couple years ago, back before I changed my lifestyle entirely, I lost 30lbs. Now people consider me either thin or average

Justin says: (1:43:11 AM): good for you

I say: (1:43:30 AM): I consider myself still a bit out of shape, but I have high standards I guess. Well, Americans have low standards... so... yeah.

Justin says: (1:43:36 AM): That’s awesome. you aren’t American?

I say: (1:43:56 AM): I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Justin says: (1:44:08 AM): lol, bite your tongue

I say: (1:44:17 AM): It's embarrassing to go to Canada and to be so obvious that I'm American sometimes. In Toronto you can pick out all the Americans; it's the fat ones and the stupid ones and the poorly dressed ones and the shallow ones. It's depressing. But, hey, enough about being depressed. America does have some things going for it. (Brainstorming....)

Justin says: (1:44:59 AM): lol, stop hating, and get on board!

I say: (1:45:06 AM): I know. I wish I could.. I want to.

Justin says: (1:45:15 AM): come in for the big win, and join the team

I say: (1:45:22 AM): I want to be a nice, kind, compassionate person who isn't shallow at all. I do.

Justin says: (1:45:35 AM): But?

I say: (1:45:36 AM): It's just so hard when so many people are just so completely blind and ignorant. Well, I live in Buffalo, NY, so it's only recently I've met good people fo rhte first time in my life

Justin says: (1:47:03 AM): That’s a depressing area, no offense

I say: (1:47:14 AM): I met some college students who are actually on the ball with learning and growing and loving; and they're two great people – they're even both virgins and okay with that. Weird to hang out with virgins, when I myself lost mine at 12.

Justin says: (1:47:44 AM): 12 is young

I say: (1:47:50 AM): We have about five ghettos in Buffalo, each different. I live in the rican/black ghetto. Yes, indeed. I was a very lonely child, and only-child with parents a generation older than standard who never made friends

Justin says: (1:48:05 AM): are you Rican/black?

I say: (1:48:18 AM): I'm white. I stick out like a sore thumb. I've lived in this house my entire life, but I'm more well-traveled than most anyone I've met... Odd, in retrospect.

Justin says: (1:50:28 AM): are you still into goth?

I say: (1:50:46 AM): More or less. Back when I was in 11th grade I was deeply into it.

Justin says: (1:51:02 AM): And now? just sorta?

I say: (1:51:17 AM): Now I just dress up punk when I go out. I mean, being a goth is kinda different than dressing goth.

Justin says: (1:51:35 AM): I don’t understand.

I say: (1:51:37 AM): And the whole morbid/emo mind-set is really a bad one. It's unhealthy, unproductive and a drain on society as a whole. You could say I used to have that mind-set. Back when I was the biggest pot-head, drinking loser on the planet who thought being a slut was cool. God did I suck! Well, that last bit was a lie I suppose. I never thought being a slut was cool. I just used to have self-control issues.

Justin says: (1:53:28 AM): What do you mean?

I say: (1:53:29 AM): Thank goodness I lucked out and never caught anything. I mean I was a very, very, very horny child; this undoubtedly resulted from my loneliness. I didn't know it at the time. The whole typical "I want to be loved, but I think I want sex" thing.

Justin says: (1:54:13 AM): Are you still horny now?

I say: (1:54:25 AM): I recently read the quote; "The desire to be intimate is the desire to share your deepest self with another." Sure, when I'm in love with a man who deserves me and treats me like he should. Right now I'm sort of stuck in a relationship that I'm finding unsatisfactory.

Justin says: (1:55:06 AM): How so?

I say: (1:55:17 AM): I have a zillion reasons to stay, and a zillion to leave.

Justin says: (1:55:46 AM): what will you do?

I say: (1:56:23 AM): I don't know. I was going to break up with him a couple months ago, but then he changed. He had some deep realizations, and I wanted to give it time to see if these realizations would actually have a lasting effect on his behavior and attitudes. We've been together for just over two years, and we've been living together for nearly that long as well. So, it's not just something to be casually thrown away, but at the same time...

Justin says: (1:56:53 AM): wow, that a lot of time to be invested

I say: (1:57:09 AM): Well, I left my ex just before him one month short of two years. But my ex was a bit easier; I was already out of love when I left him. He was a liar and a thief and violent. Those things alone were another reason to get out. I only waited so long because I was terrified. But this time has been different. And he's not a liar, a thief or violent. But he's always getting so angry about such little things. Sometimes he gets really angry just because I didn't understand what he meant by something. And right now, at 2am, he's out.

Justin says: (1:59:10 AM): doing what?

I say: (1:59:16 AM): We've been fighting for three days now, after a month of doing so much better. I think he's talking to some customers he had today, he's a tattoo artist. ... Do you find your life fulfilling?

Justin says: (2:06:43 AM): I do.

I say: (2:07:10 AM): So, if you were to die tomorrow you'd have no regrets and you'd feel good about the things you had accomplished?

Justin says: (2:07:25 AM): I would... besides not having kids.

I say: (2:07:35 AM): Hm. I had to get an abortion a few months ago; it was very traumatic for me.

Justin says: (2:08:34 AM): i bet... wow

I say: (2:08:37 AM): I want a baby so bad, but I want to have a baby with a loving husband, not with a boyfriend who wasn't ready, wasn't appreciative, wasn't responsible.

Justin says: (2:10:39 AM): That’s tough

I say: (2:11:59 AM): Very much so. I wanted to marry him, to have his children, and I feel like he's just throwing it away because he can't keep commitments, can't quit weed, and can't think much past his current pleasure. He's way too focused on a pleasure and not fulfillment.

Justin says: (2:13:02 AM): you should move on, he sounds destructive.

I say: (2:14:44 AM): Well, I've shared a couple reasons why I want out; here are some reasons why I want to stay: his body, his sex, and his money are all very good; but those are shallow reasons, not my main reasons -- they are the "easy" reasons, not the deep ones. The deeper reasons would include how much I have loved him, how much I have done for him, how much potential I see in him. how much we've experienced together, and how when I met him I felt like I was meeting another person like myself for the first time in my life; and he felt the exact same way. I think I've been putting way too much focus on finding romantic, perfect love, and not enough effort into making lasting friendships...

The More Free I Am The More Lost I Am

Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 6:51pm

On July 19th I wrote: “The more free I become the more lost I am.” It rings bells for me all over the place. Today was a free day. I’ve been free to do as I wanted all day long. I tried for around an hour to write, and stumbled over four-hundred words or so; a pitiful lot. I’m struggling with pushing onward and not giving up.
I think I’m chronically lonely or something. Days like today have one poignant similarity; the lack of people. When I wake up, My Boyfriend is gone. When I get breakfast, no one is there. Doing my exercise routine is a joke, because I put not effort into any of the moves; I don’t use energy. I just go through the motions like a half-dead robot. Writing is painstakingly slow and feelings two-dimensional. Drawing is calculated and without feeling.
Bringing myself to do anything at all seems like a chore. It’s not as though I’ve just sat here all day... But on the other hand...
I seem to be failing at even writing this entry. I’m either lazy or I need motivation. I can comfort myself all I want by saying ‘I could do a lot less’ but boy is that a terrible excuse. Instead, I should be asking myself ‘what more can I be doing?’ At the same time I don’t want to complicate my life in any way I don’t have to. I’m so determined to not have a life full of unwanted commitments, obligations and useless activities that I think I’m making myself the other extreme unwittingly.
It’s just the funk of a day alone. The complete lack of human contact is eerie in it’s own way. All music is haunting, TV is mostly depressing, writing is impossible, reading is difficult, cleaning is aborted half-way through doing most tasks... Okay, so that’s an exaggeration. I did change the trash. Oh. Amazing. Pat me on the back, why don’t ya?
My Boyfriend made me feel like a fool at 7am. I was awake for over an hour, more like two hours, just laying there. We argued; and I’m quite sure I didn’t win the argument, but I’m not sure there was a victor or if there ever really is. I just felt like a spoiled brat afterwards. I wonder if I’m really as selfish as he made it sound... I may very well be.
I need to find my inspiration, finish my novel, edit it (the fun part), and then get it published (the impossible part I’m insisting on being optimistic about). I just need to do it. I’ll be a person then. I’ll have a life then; even if nothing changes. I’ll exist then. I won’t just be a figment of my own imagination anymore. I’ll have a purpose. My life won’t have been a waste. I’ll have a future... I need to. There is no way around it. Maybe it’s getting so hard to write because of the pressure I’ve put on myself? Of course, as it gets longer there are more and more details I have to take into account which is purely painful when trying to just write. While editing, details are fun; while getting the story out in the first place all those details are trip-ups.
And I’m not sure if I’m coming back to any of my old projects afterwards. And that’s why it’s even more important to finish the novel. I’ve spent two months on it; let’s not repeat the spending over a year on a board game to not have a board game even playable for friends yet (much less and official and published version). I will not give up. I can’t. I won’t allow myself. I can’t turn twenty and still... And still... Be... Nothing...




Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 8:11pm

Hallie said back in July, “Sometimes it seems like you've lost sight of what's normal in relationships. Maybe because this relationship has actually been failing for a long time, maybe because the one you had before it wasn't so hot either. Maybe both. But, really, my husband would never be pissed at me for having a male friend over. It would never occur to him that I had done anything untoward, let alone slept with anyone else! I would never do anything secretive or passive aggressive like being gone when he got home to "make a point" and I would never have to. Those things just don't happen in good relationships. When you feel that way, when it occurs to you that you need to come up with some secret plan to demonstrate something, when you feel yourself accusing your partner of cheating, when you're actually having a conversation about whether you were or were not wearing lingerie with another person... it's over. It's just already over.”
I suppose, if I look back on how things were in July I should be happy with how things are now. Silly humans; always wanting more. *sigh*
I do really feel like My Boyfriend and I broke up for a long time there, coming to a peak on Thanksgiving, and like after that we started going out again. Though I’m nervous that this is just the beginning of another collapse.
When it comes to My Boyfriend, I can make lists of things I want, but there are some central issues that are much more complex than what we want and what we’re willing to give to each other... I’m not sure I can put it all into words right now. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately... Some precursor to realizing what I already know all over again likely.
I got another four-hundred words written. I put in a second half-hearted work-out. I changed the sheets on the bed. Does that mean I’ve done something today? Odd, how I’ve been doing things all day, and yet all of it seems to add up to zero. My guess; I’m lonely and beyond that, I need a bigger goal; a life-long goal to work towards, and I can’t come up with one that doesn’t involve heart-break.


















Saturday January, 17th 2008 at 1:39pm

The foretold events have been averted; it’s January seventeenth. For those of you who have no belief in the supernatural, psychic abilities, afterlife, reincarnation, and other things that clearly exist, then you’ll probably find this a bit hoaky. But...
A young man at a psychic meet-up way back in July or so told me the date January 15th, and at the moment he said it I knew it would be the break-up date. I’m sure it very well could have been. Mom intervened and prevented us from breaking up on Thanksgiving. At that time I had no real intention of staying with him for more than a month or so. But since then things have been changing.
The young man didn’t say what would happen on that date; who knows, perhaps I took the message the wrong way in the first place.
Anyway, now that it’s past, I feel like a great blanket has lifted off of me, and now I can breath. I’ve been sort-of expecting some huge fight to happen right around that date to make me change my mind after-all, but interestingly the 15th was Thursday, and My Boyfriend and I had a fabulous Thursday; in fact, the only thing that stood out about that day was the fact that we didn’t argue the entire time we were out.
Usually going out triggers arguments for us. Who’s driving? Why is that person driving? How is that person driving? Those all cause arguments, and sometimes we don’t end up going anywhere just because of one of those things. Where are we going? How much are we spending? Those two things are often the cause of an argument as well – maybe he wants to spend a lot of money on something I don’t approve of, and I mention it, or vise versa.
What we going to do when we get back home? In the past he had a habit of informing me on the drive home that he was getting some beers or some weed (or even both) on the way back and then going to hang out with El.
However, none of that is like it was. The drinking has stopped. The weed, is slowly beginning to be curbed. He’s turning off his phone before he goes to bed so that the phone isn’t what I have to wake up to (even though he likes to wake up to his friend’s calling him.) He’s remembering to always give me a kiss before he leaves. He’s remembering to wake me up with tea and eggs. He’s been better about initiating sex and foreplay. He’s even following me to the bathroom to keep me company (which was never and will never be a requirement, but it’s so darn cute!)
I put the pictures of us back up in the room sometime last week. He was really happy about that, which I knew he would be. He’s been very appreciative. He’s been calling me more often, and I likewise. He’s being cleaner, and so am I. He’s keeping his plans with me about 70% of the time (on average since Thanksgiving) instead of around... 6% of the time (averaged from the previous year before thanksgiving. In addition, he’s been letting me know when his plans change nine out of ten times. He’s been better about actually making plans instead of shrugging.
He’s been apologizing and meaning it. He’s asking me often (but not to a degree that it bothers me) about our future together if I am back to wanting to marry him yet. The thing is, I am back to wanting to marry him; my emotions are very flexible that way. I’m very forgiving. I just wonder if it’s good for our relationship to be quite so forgiving.
I, believe it or not, could continue to say positive things about My Boyfriend, but I’d like to start doing something else now. I may see My Bestfriend today. Hopefully I’ll get some writing done as well.
Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 5:12pm

Moment of despair...
My Boyfriend “admitted” this morning that he doesn’t give a shit about me or our relationship the moment I “piss him off.” This admittance came along the lines of me quoting positive things that we had said to me in the past;
“Being a goof-ball with you means the world to me,” and “You can have all the touchies you want,” and “I know you’re good for me, I need someone who is always logical,” and “You’re my first priority,” and “You’re the world to me.”
His response was along the lines of; “I don’t feel that way right now because you pissed me off.” Except that I think he may have cursed somewhere in that sentence, and I don’t think he used the word “feel” but the meaning nonetheless is conveyed. If he’s angry, then our relationship doesn’t My Bestfriender.
It’s obvious really, but hearing him say it does change things. It explains why he takes so long to apologize (usually an entire day); because it takes him that long to cool off. I want to be there for him and to help him and to compromise and to do everything that a good wife would do, but this... But to hear him say he doesn’t care about me the moment he’s angry with me, and to know it’s true.
I told him, “You should watch what you say.”
“I don’t have to listen to you,” he says.
“Then I don’t have to listen to you either, so why are you angry that I supposedly wasn’t listening to you?” I say.
“You’re fucking retarded.”
“You really believe that?” I ask.
What ridiculous arguments we have, really.
“Think about what you’re saying My Boyfriend. I’m retarded, fuck me, fuck this relationship, and you don’t care about me when you’re angry. Then it’s over the moment you’re angry!”
“Maybe you try harder not to piss me off then!”
“Maybe you should try harder to not be pissed off.”
“I don’t piss you off all the time,” he counters.
“I don’t do things that are harmful to our relationship or to my health,” I respond.
“I just want to spend an hour with my friends, is that so fucking hard?”
“That’s not what you said, and that’s not why I’m upset. You yourself said at least two hours, and I don’t have a problem with you seeing your friends, I have a problem with you breaking plans with me to go smoke weed,” I explain, trying to be calm.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere. You need to fucking listen. We’d be right downstairs, it doesn’t take that long.”
“You didn’t tell me that until after you got off the phone with El.”
“On the phone, off the phone, what’s the fucking difference?” He counters angrily.
“You were still discussing what you may or may not do while you were on the phone. When you got off the phone you’d already decided that you weren’t going anywhere. At least, that’s what you said.”
“Fuck you, I don’t need this shit. You make me fucking miserable.”
“I make you miserable? Really?” I ask, hurt, even if I don’t believe him.
“I work all fucking week and I can’t even spend a fucking hour with my friends.”
“It’s not that My Boyfriend. And you tell me I’m not listening.”
“Yeah – it’s about me breaking plans – oh god forbid we go out two hours later, or three hours later. We can go at two o’clock, or three o’clock or four o’clock!”
(Never mind that he said this at 1:45pm, and if we were to be leaving at two then we would need to be ready. Never mind the fact that before we went to sleep we agreed that first thing in the morning we would take a bath together so long as it wasn’t “too cold” which it most certainly wasn’t. It was warmer this morning than it’s been in days. Never mind the fact that we also agreed we needed to clean the room, and that we would give each other pedicures and rub each other’s backs, and cook together and watch that new movie he downloaded together. Where in there was there a plan to spend one to three hours with El? Where is there was there even room for time with El? We even talked about the fact that it wouldn’t leave much time for doing much of anything else today! We even talked about that!)
I didn’t respond to that one directly. What can I say? It’s too much explaining and too much reasoning for someone who’s too angry and too loud and too set on telling me I’m a retard to hear a word I say.
He leaves. He lets me know before he leaves that he’ll probably be seeing his mom while he’s out, and I heard him say to Frankie that he’d come by and visit him. So, first to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and Connie’s house to smoke. Then to Frankie’s house to smoke some more. Then possibly to his mom’s house, though I doubt he’s there now, and I doubt he’ll make time for that. He’s probably stoned out of his mind right now playing Call of Duty with Frankie. If him and I are very lucky, he’s not drinking, but somehow I suspect that today he might drink at least a half a beer. Call it intuition, call it a guess, maybe it’s just because I’m so bitter about it.
It would be okay if he was angry for a reason. He got so angry with me because supposedly I make him miserable because I don’t want him to go to El’s house and smoke a blunt first thing on a day we’re supposed to be spending bonding with each other. He also said things like, “I will not be your fucking slave,” multiple times. This is completely ludicrous! How is he in any way my slave? Does he clean up after me? Does he wait on my hand and foot? Does he do every little thing I tell him to do? Do I order him around? No, no and no!
I don’t know what to make of it. After days without arguing at all, and weeks without him behaving quite so ignorant... Why all of the sudden? And while sober no less! He does have an anger problem. I begin to believe that I myself may have a slight anger problem, because I’m coming to the conclusion that experiencing anger is an unnatural, unhelpful way of expressing one-self. If you feel angry, your entire focus should be on not being angry. Unfortunately, situations that cause anger have a way of distracting you from calming yourself down.
Can you imagine my indignation when he tells me I’m a retard for not listening and then goes on to say things that clear demonstrate that he isn’t listening? I told him over and over again that I misunderstood what he said on the phone. And I don’t know how he could expect me to understand everything when he’s talking to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend on the phone and not talking directly to me.
*sigh* I think I’ve done a good job of managing to do other things thus far today despite how I feel. I’m trying very hard to implement all I’ve learned about keeping a calm state of mind and it’s importance... But one thing continues to nag at me, and that is...: Is it worth it to continue to try and make my life work with My Boyfriend? Yes, he has improved. Yes, he’s improved dramatically and continues to do so. Yes, reverting to previous behaviors on occasion is expected. But what if he reverts fully at one point or another? Then what have I been spending all of my time doing?
While it may not be a waste of my time, I’m not sure I can it’s most beneficial.
That daunting question keeps returning to me... Is My Boyfriend worth all the trouble? There are so many benefits, most importantly is that for a good portion of time each week he makes me happy. That’s the single most important aspect of our relationship; but is that “good portion” of each week really a rip-off in disguise?
I suppose only time can tell me, and I’m not going to give up today. I also suppose that’s why I’m still here now. I keep figuring that in time I’ll know.
...I have not eaten anything today, and I’ve been awake almost six hours. I should go and get a salad, or perhaps an egg.
I’m trying so hard not to be depressed, not to cry, not to be angry... I’m just so frustrated with my parents, with my novel, with My Boyfriend... I just want something solid to cling to... But there is nothing solid is there? And that is why I must be solid for myself. That is why I need peace within, because I can’t rely on peace from the exterior influences.
Hell, why can I write a three page entry and not a damn paragraph on my novel?
































Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 6:56pm

Has your science teacher ever told you, “everything is interconnected” and you rolled your eyes because of course everything is interconnected? What about your minister are your church? Was it slightly more moving than your science teacher, and yet, still a bit on a sappy-side? What about some hippy on the street who has had too much to smoke? You’ll hear him saying in a sing-song voice, “It’s all interconnected dude!” And he’ll probably have his stoned buddy with him who says, “Whoa... Dude... That’s deep.”
We’ve all heard it. Myself, personally, I’ve heard it from each of those sources at least twice. And yet, never on any of those occasions has it struck a deep cord within me. This time, while reading it inside the book I’m reading, it did. I love how the concepts in the chapter were presented; and I feel that now I understand the deep profound truth about how interconnected we are. I understand in a way I couldn’t have without having read that chapter.
Thanks to someone else inputting this bit into their blog that I found via google, I’m able to share this excerpt with all of you.
From “The Art of Happiness” by Howard C. Cutler, M. D. And The Dalia Lama:
"Within all beings there is the seed of perfection. However, compassion is required in order to activate that seed which is inherent in our hearts and minds..."
With this, the Dalai Lama introduced the topic of compassion to a hushed assembly. Addressing an audience of fifteen hundred people, counting among them a fair proportion of dedicated students of Buddhism, he then began to discuss the Buddhist doctrine of the Field of Merit.
In the Buddhist sense, Merit is described as positive imprints on one's mind, or "mental continuum," that occur as a result of positive actions. The Dalai Lama explained that a Field of Merit is a source or foundation from which a person can accumulate Merit. According to Buddhist theory, it is a person's stores of Merit that determine favorable conditions for one's future rebirths. He explained that Buddhist doctrine specifies two Fields of Merit: the field of the Buddhas and the field of other sentient beings. One method of accumulating Merit involves generating respect, faith, and confidence in the Buddhas, the Enlightened beings. The other method involves practicing actions like kindness, generosity, tolerance, and so on and conscious restraint from negative actions like killing, stealing, and lying. The second method of acquiring Merit requires interaction with other people, rather than interaction with the Buddhas. On that basis, the Dalai Lama pointed out, other people can be of great help to us in accumulating Merit.
The Dalai Lama's description of other people as a Field of Merit had a beautiful, lyrical quality to it that seemed to lend itself to a richness of imagery. His lucid reasoning and the conviction behind his words combined to give him special power and impact to his talk that afternoon. As I looked around the room, I could see that many members of the audience were visibly moved.
I, myself, was less enthralled. As a result of our earlier conversations, I was in the rudimentary stages of appreciating the profound importance of compassion, yet as I was still heavily influenced by years of rational, scientific conditioning that made me regard any talk of kindness and compassion as being a bit too sentimental for my taste. As he spoke, my mind began to wander. I started furtively looking around the room, searching for famous, interesting, or familiar faces. Having eaten a big meal just before the talk, I started to get sleepy. I drifted in and out.
At one point in the talk, my mind turned in to hear him say "...the other day I spoke about the factors necessary to enjoy a happy and joyful life. Factors such as good health, material goods, friends, and so on. If you closely investigate, you'll find that all these depend on other people. To maintain good health, you rely on medicines made by others and health care provided by others. If you examine all of the material facilities that you use for the enjoyment of life, you'll find that there are hardly any of these material objects that have no connection with other people. If you think carefully, you'll see that all these goods come into being as a result of the efforts of many people, either directly or indirectly. Many people are involved in making those things possible. Needless to say, when we're talking about good friends and companions as being another necessary factor for a happy life, we are talking about interaction with other sentient beings, other human beings.
"So you can see that all these factors are inextricably linked with other people's efforts and cooperation. Others are indispensable. So, despite the fact that the process of relating to others might involve hardships, quarrels, or cursing, we have to try to maintain an attitude of friendship and warmth in order to lead a way of life in which there is enough interaction with other people to enjoy a happy life."
As he spoke, I felt instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt--a sign of weakness.
Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others," was not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve. Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in making all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved in making my shirt. I started imagining the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that My Bestfriender, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people that mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designers of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the result of others' efforts.
My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. It made me want to cry.
(Excerpt from The Art of Happiness, "Dependence on Others vs. Self Reliance", written by the 14th Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler, M.D.; Pages 71-75)

There is a fine line between corny and deep, and sometimes the line is just completed erased. I think that line is erased when two things happen: the speaker is serious and has conviction and dedication to what they are saying, and two, when the listener is respectful and introspective.
When your science teacher tells you everything is interconnected, you’re thinking about the lion who eats the antelope, the antelope who eats the grass, the grass who drinks the water from the soil, and the droppings that were the animals and other plants who become the soil. What’s interesting is that despite the fact that we have all of those things in mind while we’re watching the lion king, it’s much deeper then.
This is either support that movies move people, or that class-rooms don’t. You decide which.

On a different note, I feel better once again after having read some of this book. It’s good for the soul in a very-serious, very-deep, not-at-all-corny sort of way. Chicken soup for the teenage soul came off as corny to me way-back-when several people tried to get me to read it.
I can honestly say now however, that I’m experiencing the “softening.” I feel much more drawn to the idea of interaction with people, especially with the accepted fact that I need those other people, even if they are not the same people who manufactured this lap-top or the ones who made my shirt. Indirectly, every human being has influenced me, I just can’t trace how. To deny that, to pretend to be reliant on myself or any one person or even just a handful of people is unrealistic and naive. I see that now.
Another short excerpt from page 63:
Sometimes when I meet with old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of our time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best of our time.
So, let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that.
Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize it's deeper value, then you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
And once you encourage the thought of compassion in your mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitudes towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, you can approach a relationship in which you, yourself, initially create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from the other person. And with that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly, or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that gives you a certain flexibility and the freedom to change your approach as needed.
End Excerpt.
I really like this part because it’s a good reminder of how to not start a conversation. When you answer the phone exasperated, and demand; “What?!” you automatically cut off any possibility of a deep or meaningful conversation. If the person on the other end wanted to tell you something serious or sentimental, they’ll probably change their tune to “oh, just want to say hi... guess I’ll talk to you later since you’re busy...”
It’s seven-thirty-four right now and My Boyfriend isn’t back. Who knows when and if he will be any time even remotely soon. I already am starting to feel sad again. I guess it’s time to get back to reading.

Ode To Dad

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 11:51am

Hey, don’t forget! Make the sheep-level rumor! Include sheep-skin armor, Shepard character opens up, Shepard king...

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 5:41pm

I tried for the second time to start reading the book My Gaming Friend gave me for Christmas. It's called "A Game of Thrones" and it's written well so I should like it, but I keep having trouble focusing on reading. I cleaned for three hours in the living room and dining room. Helped my mom cook baked potatoes and lima beans. Argued with my mom... Digital painted for a while, got down about a paragraph on my novel... Hm, I think that's pretty much everything. My Boyfriend made me an egg for breakfast.

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 6:41pm

I met My Boyfriend’s Best Friend at Thursday in the Square in the Summer of 2006 while I was still going out with Travanti. I was near My Boyfriend’s Best Friend because he was a friend of a friend of a friend per-say and I overheard him saying that he loved soccer. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex had just been telling me how he wanted to get a good soccer match against a good team or even one-on-one just a few days previous. So I told My Boyfriend’s Best Friend about my boyfriend and how I wanted to set up a match; probably at Deleware park. My Boyfriend’s Best Friend said he was interested and gave me his number.
I was a lazy pothead, so I never called the number until after I had already broken up with Tre. I called My Boyfriend’s Best Friend because I wanted to start throwing house parties and because I remembered that he was a popular guy at the square I figured he’d know a lot of people and that he might even have advice. We talked on the phone for a short while, and he didn’t really remember me, but he said he’d like to come over to “make plans” for these parties I was planning.
Then My Boyfriend’s Best Friend calls me back and asks if he can bring his roommate. I wanted to object at first, but then I thought “what the heck” since it probably meant two people I could get to first my first party. So My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and his room mate showed up at like seven o’clock and I escorted them up to the attic. We went to the corner store and bought some drinks (wine-coolers), and then returned to the attic. I didn’t really notice his room-mate much at first; he was quite and he probably kept his hood up most of the time.
But on the walk to the store I began to notice that they were not your “average niggas” at all. While they weren’t per-say your sort of “white” black people, they also weren’t your stereotypical black guys either. We got into a debate about religion and about the Niphiliem and I read a passage of “The Twelfth Planet” by Sitchin, and at that point I noticed that El’s roommate was a pretty cool guy.
If you hadn’t guessed by now, El’s roommate was My Boyfriend. Well, some point after drinking some more we all got a bit more comfortable, and My Boyfriend wraps his arm around me (while My Boyfriend’s Best Friend is taking a piss) and tells me that he’s claiming me. At this point I’m thinking to myself “this feels good and all, but I have an insane-ex who will tear this poor little guy to shreds if he finds out.”
What I didn’t know at the time is that both My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and My Boyfriend were making bets on who was going to get to either date me or sleep with me or which-ever. What also is really funny that I didn’t know at the time was that My Boyfriend’s first impression of me was “the most hood white-chick” he ever met. (I was pretty darn ghetto while I was dating Tre.)
Well, alcohol is a great helper; so next thing you know there is a lot of kissing going on and My Boyfriend’s Best Friend is just sort of leaves while we were occupied with each other. I end up fishing around for a condom, feeling really guilty, but at the same time not giving a damn. I didn’t even expect to ever see My Boyfriend again. But, less than a month later we’re a couple and totally nuts about each other.

Saturday January, 10th 2008 at 3:40pm

Matt asks me what I’m reading after I told him that I’ve finally managed to read the first chapter of a book that my board-gaming friend got me for Christmas. It’s not that it’s a bad book; in fact, I’m positive that it’s a very good book; it’s just I’ve been in some sort of reading slump since the holiday slump began.
“A Game of Thrones,” I said. “Nothing you'd like. It’s a fantasy novel that may or may not help me write the one I'm trying to write. The moons knows I need the help right now.”
Then I continue to ramble on; “The only reason I don't have writer's block is because I refuse to have writers block; I keep writing even when I don't feel like it; even when I'm writing drivel; even when I have no ideas. The only problem is, I can only force myself to do that for so long before I find myself cleaning my nails again. I want to get into the zone... Lose myself in the story and write four pages without stopping. That would feel sooo good.”
Ah, indeed it would. I wrote about six-hundred words on my novel thus-far today. My new-years resolution was to write 1000 words each day for all of January or to finish the book before the end of January, which ever came first. I’m two-thousand words behind, and have been for a couple days – only managing to not dig the hole deeper, without catching up. I should be at eighty-thousand today, but I’m only at seventy-eight-thousand. *sigh*
I’m hoping to catch up today, perhaps even in the next couple of hours... I fear I won’t finish the book by one-hundred thousand words, and that’s not cool, because I expect the book is going to end up expanding in the first edit; not shrinking (like it probably ought).
Seemingly randomly I say to My Bestfriend, “My old ambitions are coming back with a new light cast on them. I feel like myself again -- perhaps for the first time since I met you.”
After a long pause he answers, “I thought that was a quote at first. What do you mean by that?”
“Well, I suppose that's a good question,” I say. “I was just trying to answer that in my head before you asked it.”
A bunch of thoughts ran through my mind; like how I’ve finally come up with a good theory as to where this reoccurring feeling I keep getting is coming from – this feeling that makes me want to either play this video game that doesn’t actually exist, or to create this game so that it would exist. I think it’s a left over desire from playing with my barbies for my entire childhood. I made up this entire realm and then I had to leave it behind or fall behind. I replaced that world with reading, writing, drawing, and guys. I think I miss the all-consuming world I had made for myself and my dolls.
After a while I answered, “For periods of time we break off from our overall self and become a more subjective than usual part of ourselves. During these periods of time we only take what we know from parts of our life and not all of our life because we feel the need or desire to ignore other aspects of what we know in light in recent discoveries. There has been a flood of discoveries about myself and about my peers, and a number of other things since I met you that have caused me to enter one of those periods where I was only using my new information. Now it's finally all settled into place with everything else that I know.”










Sunday January, 11th 2008 at 3:56pm

My Boyfriend,
So, I’ve been laying here on our bed thinking; “How could I have avoided this argument?” The only real answer I’ve come up with is that I need to word what I say more carefully. This however, is quite the paradox, because I said what I said because you didn’t word what you were saying carefully enough for me to understand what you were saying, so I ended up saying something that you took the wrong way... It seems to me that this entire argument revolved around taking things the worst way possible and mis-communication.
Besides how could I have avoided this argument, I’ve also been asking myself, “Did I actually do anything wrong?” I suppose that it could be commonly interpreted that I did accuse you of not putting me first, and accusations are always bad. I’m not sure my fault goes any further than making an accusation than I didn’t mean to make.
I don’t want to sit here and accuse you of anything, but the problem is, how can I tell you how I feel without creating any accusations? Well, I suppose if I say “I feel like...blah, blah, blah,” instead of saying “You’re saying that you are going to... blah, blah, blah,” or “You did... blah,” or whatever. So, perhaps if I agree to try and be more careful about what I say, then perhaps you’ll agree to give me the benefit of the doubt when I say things that sound like I’m playing you?
Of course, this brings me to the question; Why should I have to be careful about what I say? Then again, there is being careful, and then there is having to leave things out to avoid arguments. I believe that we should be careful about what we say, because after-all, we don’t want to hurt each other. Then again, if we both trust that the other person isn’t trying to hurt, then we should know that the other didn’t mean it that way.
However, I feel like you really mean it when you say things like, “You’re a fucking idiot.” Of course, if you’re angry, perhaps I shouldn’t take what you say too seriously? But then again, if I don’t take you seriously when you’re angry you’ll probably get more angry. Oh, the fun of paradoxes.
This brings me back to my original question, “How could I have avoided this argument?” You might say to me in response to this question; “Duh, don’t say things like that!” But what are things “like that”? How am I to determine which things I say will be taken as accusations? How can I determine which is romantic and loving manipulation and what comes off as cruel and unfair manipulation?
Isn’t it manipulation if you offer to hold me all night if I ride on top of you? I suppose that’s a bribe, but I would consider that to be a perfectly normal and loving bribe. An exchange to benefit both parties. If you say you’ll stay with me the rest of the week if you can go out on a certain night, isn’t that a form of manipulation? Especially if you ask me this on a holiday. Isn’t writing this letter a form of manipulation, even if I’m doing it because I love you? (And because I can’t think about anything else but how I could have prevented this – which is of course because I love you. And because I want to resolve this, which of course is also because I love you.)
I suppose one way to put how I feel is best put in the words of Mort; “Laya always appears... The question is, how did you respond? ...Sometimes we feel so duped into marrying Laya that we divorce Rachel.” I’m sure you know what I mean by quoting these phrases, but just incase you don’t, I’ll spell it out: I said something that upset you; but does that mean the correct response was to get angry and yell at me? You were so angry with what I said, you were willing to hurt me, despite the fact that you love me and want to be with me. Do you really think that looking back on it you’ll be happy with that sort of choice?
Maybe I’m taking this too far, but weren’t you taking it too far? I feel like you did.
If you had instead said (without leaving the bed, without raising your voice);
“When you say something like that I feel like you’re manipulating me. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it’s really hard when I feel like you’re twisting my words into something that they aren’t.”
If you had said that instead of jumping up and yelling whatever you yelled (I can’t remember exactly what – when I’m being yelled at I’m much more conscious of the fact that you’re angry and that you’re yelling than anything else) then I would have been able to have a chance to tell your earnestly;
“I don’t mean to make you feel that way. I just don’t want you to leave again today. And I don’t want to go grocery shopping late at night, I want to get it out of the way while the sun is still out.”
And you could have said;
“I’m serious. I really don’t like it when you say things like that. It makes me feel like you’re trying to play me.”
And I would have replied; “Babe, I’m never trying to play you. I didn’t mean for it to come off that way. Can’t you talk to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend some other time though?”
And you could have said; “I don’t have time to talk to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend another time. It seems like he could really use some advice. He could just swing by for a little while and then we could still go grocery shopping tonight. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
And I would have sighed and then said; “I suppose. I’m really sorry I made you feel that way, you know I didn’t mean it that way though... So how long is My Boyfriend’s Best Friend probably going to come by for?”
And you could have said; “Probably for an hour.”
And then there would have never need been an argument. Do you agree that the conversation could have gone that way? Do you agree that it would have been better that way? If you don’t agree, then please take this opportunity to tell me how you feel.
You can’t expect me to know or understand anything about you that you haven’t told me. While I may understand things you have not told me, you can’t count on it. You have to assume that I don’t know anything you have not told me, regardless of having said it several months ago, regardless of it being something I should have already gathered. Because, what if I don’t know?
I’m not going to be insulted or annoyed if you tell me something twice, or three times, or four times. Though, after four or five times I may mention that you’ve told me this before and that I remember. Clarification and questioning should never be a reason to become upset (in my opinion.)
While I’d like to say that sharing feelings should never be cause to become upset, sometimes they are. If you feel that you don’t need to make plans with me, or keep plans with me, I’m going to be upset. However, being upset should never be a reason to yell, leave, or say mean things. Do you agree? If not, please tell me that you don’t. If you do agree, which I sincerely hope that you do, please tell me. Again, you can’t expect me to know if you don’t tell me.
You see what I’m saying? I’m not trying to say that you’re slow or dumb, or whatever when I elaborate or clarify. So please don’t take it that way. Just in case, for our benefit, I’m going to reword that, in case I didn’t make myself clear the first time.
Sometimes we say things to each other that are good reasons to be upset. However, no My Bestfriender how upsetting what was said was, we should never yelled about it, leave over it, so say mean things that we’ll regret later. If you agree, then that means you agree that you should have given me the benefit of the doubt, talked calmly but seriously about your feelings, and that there was no need for a loud or prolonged argument. If you agree, then there is no reason for us to stay angry with each other.
Please tell me how you feel.
This is how I feel: hurt, and sad. I still love you though, and you know that.


Monday January, 12th 2008 at 12:45pm

Miruna says: “Ah. I have a desk, like all the other programmers. We work in a common room, typing away, for the most part. Most of us do some work from home, too, which is why I was able to send that script to crawl through the broken records in the database.
“I have heard a phrase from America, I think it is 'hostile work environment'. From what I can tell, this is a rather hostile environment. Some of that is my fault, of course, but I do what I have to.
“Most of us leave at around eighteen or so, some of us stay later.
“If you want to know what I think of my subordinates, it goes something like this:
Thirty programmers and twelve interns work directly under me. Best-practices elsewhere [such as America and Europe] dictate no more than six people directly under any given position, but we clearly do not follow best-practices here. I imagine most offices also ignore best-practices in practice.
“Eighteen. 18:00. I think that is when most Americans have dinner? Six on a twelve-hour clock.”
I say: “I was trying to calculate it at the same time as listing to my mom talk to me. My mom is telling me about financial issues at the moment.”
Miruna says: “Oh? Is it bad news?”
I say: “It's always bad news; a bunch of crises have happened.”
Miruna says: “Oh dear. At any rate. Out of the thirty full-privileged programmers, two seem to be burning out. That is about average for this time of year. I have looked at records going back a couple years before I started here, and that seems consistent. Which is good, because I have two interns with real promise, and that leaves six for shock-absorbers, and four to get rid of before April.”
I say: “I see. Sounds similar to my Dad's position since his promotion.”
Miruna says: “Ah. I imagine he does not need to be as careful with the interns, though. What cycle do they use at his office? Ours is three months. Which is why I have to dismiss the four lousy interns before April, incidentally.”
I say: “My mom called me back again, just a second... XD ...Well, he's not a programmer; he works for social services, but he has a lot of people under him; something similar to how many you have under you. His previous job (before the promotion) for the last twenty years has been working with wel-fare people. He has to find out if they are still eligible, if they are getting the care they need, if they're getting the work they are supposed to, etc.
“Before he'd have something like thirty to a hundred clients at a time, and he'd do the paperwork and make the phone calls and answer phone calls and meet with people. Now, he manages all of his old co-workers, and they don't phase in and out very often. I'm not sure if he has a power to hire or fire anyone or not.
“He has to make sure everyone else is doing their job, pick up their slack, and make reports on them. What's funny is that (in his own words) he has over 10 times the work, and less than a 10th of his pay raised.”
Miruna says: “That is a shame. For my part, I cannot readily fire the programmers unless I can prove [in court if necessary] that they are not doing their job, which is why I have to watch for signs of stress, and keep track of which interns look promising, and dismiss the slackers as quickly as I can.”
I say: “I believe he used to work in the same room as everyone and now he has his own office, but that's pretty much a guess. Managers in office-buildings rarely are in the same room with all the workers. I see. That sounds like it can have it's perks, but stressful for the most part.
“My brother recently tried to kill himself, which is part of the current financial problem.”
Miruna says: “Yes, it is mostly a lot of stress. But I cut a lot of throats to get to this desk, and now I can mostly count on keeping my job as long as I can do it. Oh. Dear. I am sorry.”
I say: “My mom has borrowed all of the money in my bank account (she promises to pay back with interest within a few months) to buy him an apartment so he wasn't sleeping in his car. And I didn't realize it was quite so much until I suggested us getting the "old computers" of the house fixed today. I figured that I could pay for my old two to be fixed/upgraded and she could do the same for Dad's old computer. Turns out, neither of us have any money in our bank accounts.
“My Dad got stopped for drunk driving, and he's been going through court and all of that, and that's going to run another 700 dollars. And the window of the car is broken, and to get it fixed is 300 dollars.”
Miruna says: “Well, if the hardware still works, try installing Linux on the old machines. Linux does not need nearly as much resources as windows.
“Oh. My.”
I say: “And I believe our tires are going as well, and I have no idea how much it costs to fix that.”
Later, on another topic...
“My Boyfriend says Windows always slows down because of the spyware on it -- even when you're not hooked up the internet, Windows always gets slower and slower. Would you happen to know exactly why?”
Miruna explains; “Well, he is partly right. Spyware and other malicious code [or anything that runs in the background all the time] will slow down a computer. But even if you remove all the spyware, you have another annoying drain on your resources.
“Windows NT [which includes XP and Vista] has a 'feature' called the registry. The registry contains practically all the information that lets windows act more or less intelligently in the face of clueless users [which is most users, no My Bestfriender how smart they might be [which is because Microsoft -tries- to keep users clueless which is a whole story on its own]].
“The registry gains new entries every time you change window settings, view settings, install programs, define [or 'associate'] filetypes with specific programs, and lots of other stuff too.
Since it is ultimately a database, it is very important that nothing ever corrupt the registry, or your computer will become useless.
“Unfortunately, since is is an -unsorted- database, any time windows needs to figure out how to respond to an event [such as you clicking on an icon] windows has to search the entire registry from top to bottom until it figures out what to do. Then it does what the registry says.
“The major flaw in this system is that at no time does the registry ever get sorted [and if it were, windows would still search the registry from top to bottom anyway] and the registry NEVER SHRINKS. It just keeps getting bigger [and harder for windows to sift through].”
And then back on the original topic...
I say: “On the note I lost track of before – our household makes a good deal of money, enough that we shouldn't be struggling so much; but my life since I've been born seems to be one crises after another. The major ones were the house fire, the recent economic crash, and at one point every appliance in the house seemed to die at once -- the furnace, the hot-water tank, the car, the thermostat, the vacuum; it was just insane, all in like a two month period. And my parents ended up filing bankruptcy a while back, and while I'm sure it helped, I never saw the improvement. And, of course, in recent years electric and gas bills just keep rising and rising (even though we've made a bunch of conscious efforts to bring those bills down: keeping the thermostat low, adding insulation to the house, adding insulated-siding to the house, changing to more efficient light-bulbs, using the air-conditioner very sparingly).”
Monday January, 12th 2008 at 3:33pm
So I got off of instant messenger with Miruna in order to go downstairs and help mom with a “project.” The project turned out to be clearing off one of the desks in the living room.
Why clear off the desk? (Besides the obvious – to have it clean!) Well, dad has been playing Civilization III again since he got his license taken away for drunk driving. He’s been supplementing his drinking and dancing with the video game, and I personally full-heartedly approve. It’s much more pleasant to walk by mom’s computer to see dad sitting at it playing Civilization III (a game I dearly love) than it is to walk by and to have a short conversation with mom about how much dad going out sucks. Not that this sort of conversation really takes place on a frequent occurrence... But...
There is dad’s drinking buddy who isn’t worth a lot of junk; and the two of them go to bars and drink and dance together, and according to my mom, it’s likely he’s been sleeping with other women. Hell if I know, hell if I want to know.
So, the reason for clearing off the desk is to move dad’s hunk-of-junk computer that My Aunt gave him once-upon-a-time to that desk, to hopefully install Civilization III. Of course, everything about that computer needs replacing, except perhaps the keyboard. The mouse is ancient (it doesn’t plug in with a USB port, and believe it or not, it’s not one of those green circular plugs with tons of pins either, but rather it looks like a monitor cord!) And besides being ancient, it sucks. The mouse barely moves, it’s on one of those dumb balls you have to clean all the damn time. So the first thing that needs doing is to replace it with a laser mouse.
Second, a flat-screen would be nice. The monitor weighs about sixty pounds (this is a complete guess, but I almost died carrying the thing down the stairs; if it had been only a pound or two heavier or just an inch bigger I couldn’t have managed it) and is huge. It’s got a sticker on it about “decreased infrared rays” and on this same sticker it says 1992. Yippy folks.
I didn’t really see his speakers, though I unplugged something that looked like a speaker cord from the back of his computer. I didn’t trace through the mess to figure out where it led to. The experience was depressing to no end and I couldn’t wait to get out of that room. It’s a terror-spot, it is. Socks flug every where way, tic-tacs and mints on the desk, matches, cigarettes, papers, pens and other assorted junk all piled on top of his keyboard; and a little pewter wizard I gave him several Christmases ago... There is no chair in front of his desk, just a mound of stuff, and a corner of a bin sticks out at about sitting-height, so I perched on it while I tried to extract the ancient monstrosity from his desk.
Speaking of his desk, I never even noticed what the desk itself looked like. It was too buried in junk. I did notice that he has shelves painted to patch the wall color against the wall on his side of the room, and yet mom doesn’t. This means my mom built him shelves – which he now has cluttered with junk – and she didn’t build any for herself (undoubtedly a cross between lack of money and time.)
Also hurtful was that both sides of the room are in equal disarray. Dad’s side has pants and suit pieces, old gifts and shirts, socks and underwear, books and computer stuffs, papers and discs and who-knows-what-else whereas mom’s side just looks like a mound of semi-feminine clothing piled atop a dresser and a little side table with a light, chap-stick, reading glasses and the last six books she’s read.
The horror. The dread. The memories and the pain and the guilt and the regret and the depression and the desperation and pleas of mercy and forgiveness and help just permeate the air of the room. I might prefer a hell-mouth. (Excuse the terrible Buffy-reference, I’m re-watching the series. Please no spoilers, I barely remember what happens and I’m only on season one, episode four at the moment.)
So that was hell. I carried the system down stairs; took three trips. I set it up, got it plugged in (easier said than done of course) and then the damn thing won’t start and I don’t have a clue why. Some of the parts within the tower itself are probably still good, it’s likely possible to replace the processor, add ram and perhaps a second hard-drive rather than buy a new computer. The only problem with that is that buying a new computer would cost about the same amount; though that’s only if we’re talking about a state-of-the-art bran-new processor, hard-drive and ram slot and talking a decent newish computer that can run Civilization III (which is any newish computer.)
It may just be as well to just buy a computer that came out sometime in the past two years if we can find one for under $500. Hell if I know where the money will come from since my mom owes me money and won’t be paying me back in full until likely the end of march. And I certainly won’t take dad getting a new computer as payment. So, if this old-junk can be made to work for some quick fixes at some shop than that may be the best solution for now. My Boyfriend will likely take a look at it tonight. It’s probably clogged with dust for starters.
Boy does that old thing make this lovely laptop look like a god.