October's End

Monday, October, 20th 2008 at 4:55pm

I probably should be taking a shower now while I can. Matt is supposed to stop by to say “hi” after all of this other obligations for the day are complete. In other words, around seven or so. Mom is picking up Karen from work, then going to salvation army to look for pants, and then picking up Dad from work, and they’ll both return around six o’clock. Aunt Mary, as far as I know, is sleeping after a long “day’s” work, which means that this right here is the hour that the bathroom is guaranteed to be unoccupied, and the water won’t be disturbed by dish-washing in Mary’s kitchen or Mom’s kitchen.
Besides, I need to shave my armpits. All this suckage lately has made my appearance a bit shabby. I took a shower yesterday, but I pretty much just washed my hair and face. I was tired and mostly wanted my hair to stop being flaky and tangly.
I wanted to go to Dibble and buy a “plastic sorting drawer thingy” but obviously the car is occupied and will be, and when it’s available Matt will probably be here, and I’ll be lazy, and it will be dark, and Dibble will probably be closed. I’m starting to get better enough to want to accomplish things, mainly organizing.
Aunt Mary is moving out in just a couple of weeks, and she’s already packed most of here things leaving the book shelves clear. (She’s leaving me the book shelves, fridge and stove all as gifts to me. Birthday and Christmas presents at once no doubt. And very much appreciated.)
I’m planning on taking all my bins of stuff out of storage, which is a total delight. All my kitchen ware (that I’ve been stocking for three years) finally will have a home. I’ll stack all the Mary Kay stuff on several of the shelves of the book shelves. I’ll also be moving all my books down there which will clear up a lot of shelves in here. When she actually moves then her bedroom will become the craft room and then all of my sewing, scrap booking, board game pieces, paints, markers, and other related items (glue gun, desk, etc) will move down there. Incidently, Mary’s bed room was my bed room up until the fire when I was fourteen.
After the fire, we moved into the apartment for nine months. Jeremy lived with us for six or seven of those months. Then he broke up with me. One week before I moved back into the house I met (and slept with) Tre. When I moved back in I moved “temporarily” into the “craft room” on the first floor. (It’s been more like “craft and holiday storage” since the fire and perhaps before.) When Tre moved in, we shared the twin bed in there, beside the sewing table with my stuff in bins.
Around six or seven months later we moved into the attic, my current room where I’ve been for about three years. Is that right? I was just fourteen when the fire happened, nine months in the apartment, that makes me almost fifteen. About nine more months down stairs makes me half way to sixteen, and three years makes nineteen. Yeah, that’s about right, since I’m three months away from between twenty.
In these three years I’ve laid the floor tiles, plastered, painted, built two complex shelving units, put up more drywall, plastered and painted some more, cleaned out the back of the attic, put down a carpet in the mid-section and on the stairs. The helpers came and went, the materials used came and went, even the men have changed since the project began. I’m the only constant in this creation of my marvelous and horrid creation. To think, I’ll be adding my own kitchen, dining room and my old bedroom to my domain. That’s something to look forward to.
I wish our house was in a different neighborhood. It doesn’t feel safe that I’ve put so much effort into a home that is located on the west side of Buffalo. So much time, so much effort, so much money... I guess that’s what life is, making things better where you are, investing yourself in improving your surroundings one way or another, and then eventually you leave your investments behind, either for necessity or for better prospects.
Thursday, October, 23rd 2008 at 4:10am

Whoa, I ought to be more tired than I am. I keep sleeping in. I need to get myself back in shape. I’m really getting around to recovering, about time the way I see it. I’ve been out of commission for since the FanExpo in the end of August when I think about it. I had a big cleaning spree after that, then Angel arrived and left, and after that it was all downhill.
Crusifer and I aren’t really interacting anymore it seems. I mean, we are, but just as little as the rest of the failing couples out there. We talk, but I feel like it never really penetrates deep enough anymore, like there is this film of ice between us. The lack of sex just further estranges us of course, which is a good insight into how we are without sex. I think we’re better in some ways... The obligation on my part is gone, the disappointment of not being able to please one way or another doesn’t come up, and there is no sexual rejection going on this way.
The problem is that our friendship is dead. There is no long talking into the night. There is no burst of energy at the sight of each other. There are no activities we look forward to doing together except eating and watching TV beside each other. One thing we don’t argue about is anime, thank goodness for that, right?
He’s promised (for the zillionth time) that he’s done drinking. I don’t chastise him for drinking much anymore. I generally say nothing, or I sigh and say “I thought you wanted to marry me.” It really depresses me that he’s smoking weed at least once a day, drinking at least once a week (sometimes skipping a week or two while he’s in a “quitting” phase.)
It seems that only jealousy provokes him to want to prove himself to me. First when I met Matt, and then again when I confessed to my “date” with Dave. Jealousy drives him to try to please me, but if that’s the only motivation I can give him then this ship is already long-since sunk. I’m still sad about the likelihood of us getting married and having a happy family, but I don’t really believe it’s going to happen. Sometimes I let my hopes get up there, but I never really believe it.
I’m still mourning our child in the back of my mind, along with all the dreams that come along with it. I had such a firm idea of what my life would be like with Crusifer, but now that’s all crumbled away. I saw how he behaved while I was pregnant, and that changed everything. No special treatment, no pampering, no back-rubs, no sympathy... Worse than that, he went out a lot, ignored me, made fun of me, and made me feel even worse and more neglected than I already was.
One really telling fact is that I begin to have a clear idea of where my life would go without Crusifer. No new “permanent” relationship for at least a few months. No more of this “one month single” and hop in bed and then try and hop into a life commitment. I know that for certain. No more winning men with sex appeal. I still want to home school my children and be a house wife but I’ve planted in my head the notion that I will go to college when I turn twenty-one, when college becomes practically free. (Tap & Pel)
Between now and then: Recover. Move into Mary’s apartment. Create Board Game. Finish living room, and attic construction. Find part time Job. Host Board-Game parties. And a year and a half from now, enter college. More or less in that order. Most of those things will overlap. All of that I plan on doing with or without Crusifer. It feels good to have plans that don’t depend on a man.
I told Crusifer I wouldn’t marry him unless he quit drinking for at least six months. He keeps saying “I hope you still love me in six months,” as part of his new “quitting” regime. I told him today, “I’ll start to believe you after it’s been a month. Hopefully you won’t just crush my heart as soon as I believe you.” The real question is: does not drinking for six months really mean that he’s “safe” to marry?

Friday, October, 24rd 2008 at 1:03pm

Critique on deviant art: (http://rosepetals07.deviantart.com/art/Mermaid-99479948) Well, since you asked, I'll tell. The fingers are long enough, but the hand is not. The arm is almost right, but not quite. The lower part of the upper arm is bent, if you imagine drawing the bones in it, they would be snapped. You should be able to draw a straight line from the center of the elbow to the center of the wrist. When you draw that line on this picture, it doesn't travel through the center of the arm. The arm length is about right, one trick I always try to remember is that the deepest indent of the waist is exactly where the elbow comes to. To make your picture less awkward, I would say that the arm should rest against the body, the elbow tucked right into her waist, and then we should hardly see the forearm at all due to foreshortening. The other arm, the one she is leaning on is fine all except for the thumb. Try to put your thumb in that position while keeping your palm on the ground... It won't happen. The midsection of the body is wonderfully shaded, but in that position, any woman, unless she has rock solid abs, will hang a bit, moving the belly button down just slightly from where you put it. The breasts are very accurate. The right collar bone is out of place assuming that darker area was indicating the right collar bone. The collar bone placement can be determined by drawing two straight lines down the neck from the chin (assuming the chin is facing forward, if not, pretend it is) stopping a hand-span above the armpit. That is where the collar bones begin, and then end just on top of the shoulder, but we don't generally see the top of the bone on women. On men, you may actually get a hook on top of the shoulder, like Muse has. The face is well shaded and proportioned, but the eyes could use a white spot to give them spark. My advice on the fin is quite simple: study fish. If you take a look at photos of fish you'll find all sorts of nifty ideas. Cool fish have more than one boring stereotypical fin. Look at angelfish for example. Also study the angling. Here is one of my mermaids: http://phoenix-muse.deviantart.com/art/Enchanted-Mermaid-97425014 Notice she actually has legs. You can get creative with mermaids. Hope this helps. ~Phoenix

Message to someone who said it was cool that I’m making a board game: I wish I could say beta was running now. It's a very complex board game, for hardcore gamers. I'm so tired of thirty and forty minute games that you get no gratification out of winning and shrug when you lose because it was mostly luck anyway. The board game I'm making uses over 2000 cards, over 500 pieces, a large board, and tons of strategy. All those cards take a lot of designing, and for my beta pieces I've bought tons of wooden pieces online and have been painting them. I've actually been working on it for over a year now. I would have finished long-since but my first version of the cards turned out to be a low resolution that wasn't printable which called for a whole new design, and by the time I got everything started again I had new ideas I wanted to incorporate. When the game is published however, every site I've ever had an account on will know. Thanks for the support.

I was hoping that Matt would come by today, but no word from him thus far. I was also thinking I should go grocery shopping, but for some reason I squandered the hours in which I could have been doing that web-designing. It’s two-thirty now, and I’m pretty sure the car will be occupied all day.
I’m feeling really sluggish after all that html coding. I was up late last night doing it, and then I started up again first thing today.
Well, the bruise from the injection from the abortion is gone as of now. The last bit of the scab just flaked off and the discolored is gone too. It looked pretty nasty there for days. A whole week. It feels like it’s been an eternity since it happened already.
Friday, October, 24rd 2008 at 8:04pm

Crusifer,
Do you remember when you cut a slice of green pepper for me when we were making eggs recently? I felt loved at that moment. You thought of a possible desire, or perhaps you thought deeper, about my personal well-being, and handed to me, as though you were my mother. I remember a time when I flounced onto the bed to watch something with you and then remembered I hadn’t gotten a bottle of water, and before I even said anything, you were already handing it to me, you had remembered.
Do you remember the tiny note you put in my keyboard? The one that just said “I love you.” It was so small, so cute, so well hidden in plain site sitting there between the keys. I smiled, perhaps I giggled too, I don’t remember. I kept it, you know. Do you remember the note you wrote me and didn’t give me because you were embarrassed? The one I found stashed away in your back-pack one day when cleaning and sorting through a bunch of things... It was so sweet, nothing to be embarrassed about at all.
Do you remember our one year anniversary when you cut open your finger to sign the paper in blood? You really cut it open too, as if you were on Naruto or something. Those moments showed character, and showed me a husband...
I’m afraid my husband-to-be however has gotten buried under a nasty infested cloak. This cloak seems to have evil transformitive powers to make you say things like, I “have no allies” and that I’m “weak” and “retarded.” This evil cloak seems to believe the worst of me because it doesn’t understand love.
Perhaps when I say, “I’d never just disappear because something else sounded like more fun,” you don’t believe me because your evil cloak is perfectly willing to ditch anyone or anything for something that sounds more entertaining at the moment. Why would you believe me to be virtuous if you don’t believe it of yourself?
You don’t cherish the things I’ve given you the same way I cherish those things you’ve given to me, and it makes me wonder... It makes me sad.
I don’t know your identity anymore. I feel completely alone after you leave, unable to comfort myself with surety between us, unable to console my mind with untainted thoughts of us. I wrote you an e-mail last week... You didn’t even want to read it. You dismissed it... So why do I keep writing? You know why... Because I love you, and even this nasty cloak you wear hasn’t been able to break the spell.




My relationship with Crusifer is seeming to improve, but I still doubt.

The board game I'm creating is under way! I made new quest cards today!

The house is moving along still at it's turtle's pace. Mom has tracks in for the shelf supports for the living room shelving unit.



Sunday, October, 26th 2008 at 4:39pm

Crusifer is outside smoking a blunt with El and Connie. His half-finished second beer is on the table, open, beside his open laptop with Call of Duty IV left up. I approve of none of the things I’ve just stated, but hey, what can I do anyway but bitch about it? I really don’t “bitch” about these things anymore like I used to. I don’t get angry when he leaves. I don’t cry. Just this familiar sadness comes over me, and I remind myself that I’m not marrying someone who does these things.
He’s been saying adamantly that he’s going to quit for quite some time. That’s a laugh, isn’t it? Really, come now, I’m supposed to believe that? Two beers today, and two this past Thursday. This is why I stopped keeping the chart of all of his time and activities and our activities together. Why bother? I’ve known since I stopped the chart at any given time if things were bad or good, or proving it to him is irrelevant. If I’m forced to give up on him, and he doesn’t understand why, then oh well. Shit happens, right?
He says to me, “I cherish you, I don’t think you see that. I don’t just love you, but I cherish you. You’re my ace.” I didn’t even feel special or warm or fuzzy when he said this. How can I when he’s shooting people in his game and taking a swig of his beer and five minutes later departing down the stairs to go smoke a blunt. How can I take him seriously? How can I take our relationship seriously? How can I take myself seriously? How can I take life seriously? You see this vicious circle of emotions I’m in, eh?
Today hasn’t been a bad day at all. It may sound like it from that, but that’s just my residual sadness coming out in writing. In fact, it’s been a good weekend. I’m recovering, I started working on the board game again on Friday, as well as making new websites. I took pictures of things I want to put on e-bay this week as well. Saturday Matt came over and hung out with me. We talked for a long time, just enjoying each other’s company. I regret deeply not being able to talk like that with Crusifer anymore.
I’m guilty. I’m doing what the rest of the world is doing and filling up the gap that my relationship doesn’t fill with other people and things. I hate myself for doing it. I hate that I’m talking to Matt about all the things I want to talk about with Crusifer. I hate that I’m working on my board game alone. I hate that I share my visions of my future life with me, myself and I and can’t expect Crusifer to share my dreams with me. I can’t “logically” say that anything is wrong with my life, but that deep pull inside my chest lets me know things aren’t right.
Just between me and you... (It’s almost personal, having this thing locked and having so few people read it, eh?) Matt wonders why I don’t go back out with Jeremy. Mary once asked me why I didn’t do that, back before I met Crusifer. Sometimes, I wonder why I don’t. I have a bunch of superficial reasons, but they are just that; superficial. I suppose it’s because I fell in love with Crusifer, and because I have no reason to fall back in love with Jeremy. Probably that simple, really. Who knows what the future will bring, eh?
What’s with me and “eh” in this entry? Crusifer and I went grocery shopping. Then I asked him to pull over on Germain street and park in the dead end. We walked down the path next to the park in front of the town boys and girls club. I walked down memory lane with him showing him exactly where that girl bunched my teeth out when I was eleven. It looks different now. They took out the dirt trail I always used to go down. I’m sad it’s gone. I wanted to walk down it again, but now there is grass and then a drop, and then dirty water. No dirt trail through trees and foliage.
Just after we got home my mom called me and said her and Mary were stranded because Mary left her headlights on. I heroically told Crusifer I could do it myself, drove the few miles, parked head to head with her car, and we got it started in just a few moments. I drove mom back, no need for her to drive. I’m starting to prefer my own driving, and it’s freaking me out. I like that I drive nice and slowly. We’re all stopping at the same red-light anyway, so why come up to it faster and jerk the car? I hate it when people do that. Waste of gas, less safe, uncomfortable and completely pointless. Like drugs.
I’m not very optimistic about my relationship, but life in general... Perhaps it’s not so bad.


Monday, October, 27th 2008 at 2:25am

Mary wrote me the following at eight o’clock in the afternoon:
“I don't know if your mother told you or not but I am going back to school for my Master's Degree in HealthCare Management via on line? I was accepted today and approved for a student loan today. I start Nov 25th.”
I wrote back just now:
“That's awesome. I'm happy for you. You know that I plan on going to college after I turn 21 and tap and pell cover me, right? In the year between now and then I hope to finish my board game, publish it as well as getting a part time job. What do you plan to do after you finish your Masters? Mom talked to me today about taking classes to become an elementary school teacher. I think it's a good idea, I'd learn a lot about a bunch of interesting topics. Besides, if I'm serious about home-schooling my children it gives me a position that can't be questioned by the board of education, because I'm qualified.
“So are you really moving out on November first? I'm planning on using the new space to have game nights weekly on the dining room table. I hope to find a good table at amvets or salvation army or habitat for humanity. You know I found my desk at amvets for $40, and that little coffee table I have I found for either $10 or $15, I forget which, at one of those three. Both very nice items. So I hope to find a decent dining room table for a similar price.”

Crusifer is on his computer playing Call of Duty IV again, I assume. He says he can’t sleep because I “hate him” so he says. I don’t hate him, but I suppose if he wants to look at it that way it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I feel like nothing matters.



























Monday, October, 27th 2008 at 7:56pm

I generally never do this, because song lyric entries generally suck. But this isn’t your average song lyric entry. What I’m about to compose is a bunch of lyrics put together in such a way that isn’t repetitive and is exactly how I feel, with everything I don’t agree to taken out, so it’s almost like just reading another of my entries, or so I hope. Let me know what you think.

[Aly & AJ; potential break-up song]

It took to long for you to call back, And normally I would just forget that;
Except for the fact it was my birthday; My stupid birthday.

I played along, rolled right off my back, but obviously my armor was cracked.
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that? Who would forget that?

The type of guy who doesn’t see; What he has until she leaves;
Don’t let me go. Cause without me, you know you’re lost;
Wise up now or pay the cost. Soon you will know...

You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’ – Livin’ with me. You’re not winnin’ till you’re winnin’ – Winnin’ me.
You’re not gettin’ till you’re gettin’ – Gettin’ to me. You’re not livin’ till you’re livin’ – living for me.

This is the potential breakup song...

We got along until you did that; Now all I want is just my stuff back
Do you get that? et me repeat that; I want my stuff back.

Wthout me, you know you’re lost; Minus you I’m better off.

You can try, you can try; You know I know it’d be a lie.
Without me you’re gonna die; So you better think clearly, clearly;
Before you nearly, nearly; Mess up the situation that your gonna miss dearly, dearly...

This is the potential breakup song; Oh baby please, Please tell me...
This is the potential make-up song; please just admit you’re wrong. Which will it be?

[Beyonce; all the single ladies]

Decided to dip but now you wanna trip; Cuz another brother noticed me.
I’m up on him, he up on me; don’t pay him any attention.
Cried my tears, for three good years; Ya can’t be mad at me.

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it; Don’t be mad once you see that he want it.

I need no permission, did I mention; Don’t pay him any attention.
Cuz you had your turn; But now you gonna learn; What it really feels like to miss me.

Don’t treat me to the things of this world; I’m not that kind of girl, Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve. He’s a man that makes me then takes me, And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond; Pull me into your arms, Say I’m the one you own, If you don’t, you’ll be alone; And like a ghost I’ll be gone.

[Beyonce; if I were a boy]

If I were a boy; Even just for a day; I’d roll outta bed in the morning; And throw on what I wanted then go. Drink beer with the guys; And chase after girls; I’d kick it with who I wanted; And I’d never get confronted for it. Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy; I think I could understand; How it feels to love a girl. I swear I’d be a better man. I’d listen to her, Cause I know how it hurts; When you lose the one you wanted, Cause he’s taken you for granted, And everything you had got destroyed...

If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, Tell everyone it’s broken, So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone. I’d put myself first. And make the rules as I go, Cause I know that she’d be faithful, Waitin’ for me to come home.

It’s a little too late for you to come back. Say its just a mistake. Think I’d forgive you like that. If you thought I would wait for you; You thought wrong.

(This is the part where the roles switch. The guy says;) You know when you act like that; I don't think you realize how it makes me look; or feel.

(Beyonce says;) Act like what. Why are you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy.

(Male & Beyonce; roles switch.) What?

(The guy says;) I said yo; Why are you so jealous? It aint like I'm sleepin’ with the girl.

But you’re just a boy; You don’t understand. Yeah you don’t understand. How it feels to love a girl someday... You’d wish you were a better man. You don’t listen to her, You don’t care how it hurts, Until you lose the one you wanted, Cause you’ve taken her for granted, And everything you have got destroyed, But you’re just a boy...

[Flyleaf; breathe today]

You try your hardest to perfect your explanations... You lie until they've run out of questions

You can only move as fast as, Whose in front of you, And if you assume, Just like them, What good will it do, So find out for yourself; So your ignorance, Will stop bleeding through.

Only one thing; Big enough to fill the void that’s inside of you;
It's just a breath away. You can breathe today.

So many lies swirling, All around you, You're suffocating, The empty shape in you, Steals your breath, You're suffocating.

Logic forces me to believe in this, And I have learned to see, And I can only say what I've seen and heard, And only you can choose, And every choice you make will effect you, Suit your own self.


Big enough to fill the void that's inside of you,
It's just a breath away.

[Alica Keys; if I anit got you]

Some people live for the fortune, Some people live just for the fame, Some people live for the power, Some people live just to play the game, Some people think that the physical things; Define what's within; And I've been there before; But that life's a bore; So full of the superficial...

Some people want it all, But I don't want nothing at all, If it ain't you baby, If I ain't got you baby, Some people want diamond rings, Some just want everything, But everything means nothing, If I ain't got you...

Some people need three dozen roses; And that's the only way to prove you love them; Hand me the world on a silver platter; And what good would it be; With no one to share; With no one who truly cares for me...

If I ain't got you with me baby; So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing; If I ain't got you with me baby...

[Christina Agulara; Fighter]

When I, thought I knew you. Thinking, that you were true. I guess I, I couldn't trust. Call your bluff time is up. 'Cause I've had enough, You were, there by my side. Always, down for the ride. But your, joy ride just came down in flames. 'Cause your greed sold me out of shame.

You probably think that I hold resentment for you. But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong. 'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do. I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you.

'Cause it makes me that much stronger; Makes me work a little bit harder; It makes me that much wiser; So thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster; Made my skin a little bit thicker; Makes me that much smarter; So thanks for making me a fighter.

Never, saw it coming. All of, your backstabbing. Playing, the victim now. But don't, even begin. Feeling I'm the one to blame. 'Cause you dug your own grave.

After all of the fights and the lies. If it wasn't for all of your torture; I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down. So I wanna say thank you.

How could this man I thought I knew; Turn out to be unjust so cruel? I could only see the good in you... Pretended not to see the truth. You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself. Through living in denial...

[Justin Timberlake; what goes around... comes around]

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man? You know I gave you the world. You had me in the palm of your hand. I just can't seem to understand. Thought it was me and you babe. Me and you until the end. But I guess I was wrong.

Don't want to think about it. Don't want to talk about it. I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way... Just so confused about it. Feeling the blues about it. I just can't do without ya. Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down? Is this how we say goodbye? Should've known better when you came around... That you were gonna make me cry. I know that you're living a lie. That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around... Comes all the way back around.

Let me paint this picture for you, baby; You spend your nights alone; And he never comes home; And every time you call him; All you get's a busy tone. I heard you found out, That he's doing to you, What you did to me; Ain't that the way it goes.

And now you want somebody; To cure the lonely nights; You wish you had somebody; That could come and make it right. But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy. You'll see.

I thought I told ya. What goes around comes back around. You should've listened to me, baby. Because what goes around comes back around

































Wednesday, October, 29th 2008 at 12:17pm
Angel wrote me yesterday:
Ugh, that must suck. Hmm, I used to hate that also. I just never really expected anything at all from Darren so in the end I wouldn't wind up disappointed and hurt.
Life here is not going good at all. My sister's boyfriend (who is a complete a-hole) beat her up and she still went back. I hate that. She deserves so much more than that. Whenever he's not around, he'll try to get with me and I informed her about that but she pushed it aside. I miss her; she and I were having so much fun together (She moved back with us but after he beat her up, she went back, who knows why) Honestly, to me it just seems like love is corrupted or something. Why must we love the ones who hurt us? I feel like love has lost its total meaning. *sigh*
Anyway, tomorrow is my first day at the academy and I'm not really looking forward to it. It's like this every time. At first, I'm so enthused about something but when that day finally arrives, it's like I lost all my excitement. -_-
Everything is just going wrong, or so it seems. My family is battling their own issues and my friends are having their own problems as well... it's just scary.
I have not spoke to my uncle yet. I wanted to know the price before I speak with him about it.... it's easier to have a handful of facts when you're about to converse something important with someone, you know? I feel like escaping this place as well. It's good that I'll be going back to a public school just so I will be away from home for a few good hours. That will be my "fresh air of this pollution." *sigh*

I write back:
Unfortunately, I always found school to have it's own pollution. Some people manage to turn sour air into fresh air by keeping themselves relaxed and by helping those around them stay calm and clear headed as well, but that's not an easy thing to do. Others just join the pollution around them because they find it easier to go with it than to fight it. Obviously that's not a good way to go. And most of us, try to squeeze in enough "down time" and fun in between all the suckage so that we don't completely fall apart. Some great ways to do that are by taking a walk, taking a bath, pretending to sleep while really meditating, writing, and reading. All of those bring you back to the world with a slightly different perspective than before. Those activities force you to think about things in a truer light, sort of like sleeping.
It does seem as though it's the end of the world right now. The economic crisis, global warming, the republican party's depravities, the ignorance of the common man, the poor health epidemic, the over-consumption of crappy products... All of that on a large scale, and then down on the smaller scale there are all the people stuck in the ordinary gutters. I don't think I even want to try and list those things off, it would just be depressing. This comes back to either fighting the good fight, ignoring the fight, or fighting the bad fight. Most people ignore it, and very few really fight to make this world a better place. I guess we should all be "going green" right?
...I don't think Crusifer even looks at the larger scales, and that's a little depressing to me. I think his own personal worries trump everything else to the point where he can’t even look at the people around him objectively. (If I use any words that you don’t know what they mean, by all means, ask.)
Oh, right, you did ask about the price and such, didn’t you? I forgot about that. I honestly don’t know, I suspect it was around $300, but I’d have to ask my mom. If it’s done far enough beforehand and done on week-days then it may come down lower than that. It also may be cheaper in the winter than in the summer, but that’s just a guess. I suppose along that same thought, any time in December is bad, because of all the Christmas traveling.
I hope school isn’t bad. On that note, I’d say to remember that school is for learning, not for having fun, so if you’re not having fun, remind yourself that you’re supposed to be filling up on knowledge, and ignore anybody who wants to distract you from that.

Wednesday, October, 29th 2008 at 12:29pm

I’m really starting to feel like myself again. The whole being pregnant thing, and Crusifer and I battling it out, and then the abortion, and then the post-effects and so-forth has all been one trip through hell, and I’m glad to be back, and honestly, I’m glad I’m not pregnant. Crusifer, clearly isn’t ready, and I’m not ready to have a baby with any man who isn’t ready to have one with me.
I’m really doing things again, and it feels good... I just wish I could be rid of this underlying sadness... I hate having to remember that Crusifer isn’t acting like a suitable partner. Soon enough I’ll be able to face the whole truth of him, but not yet I think. I still want to give him that chance to prove himself, but I don’t believe anything will come of it. I guess it’s coming down to not having anything better at this point, and that’s just sad.
The flash in time where I decided to talk to a bunch of random guys online is passed. That didn’t make me feel good or introduce me to anybody worth meeting. I just wish things could work. Guess that’s a classic one, eh? Sitting on my ass wishing for things to work instead of getting up and walking away when it’s clearly not. I’m scared still. I don’t want to leave him and be miserable. I also don’t want to hurt him, as stupid as that probably sounds.

































Thursday, October, 30th 2008 at 7:41pm

My mom just tried to set me up to talk to my dad. Then she tried to lecture me about the amount of chlorine in carrots isn’t enough to matter. Now Crusifer is trying to tell me that...

Thursday, October, 30th 2008 at 8:50pm

I have the document that I write in password protected. The password is “marryme” which is a unique password that I don’t use for anything else (otherwise I wouldn’t mention it in my blog). I made that password because I wanted Crusifer to know how I felt before he would even look at this document. Not that he peeps my documents. He doesn’t even read my blog.
I don’t even want to bother to write about the things that happened today. Isn’t saying that I’m angry enough? I suppose it isn’t. Angry... I suppose I’m not angry anymore, it’s starting to fade into something else. But why? Isn’t that always the question...
He lied to me twice today. He told me he wanted to go to the store to get some food; some snacks. I told him I’d cook for him. He asked, “why don’t you make something while I’m gone?” I told him if he left I wasn’t cooking for him. As I knew, he wasn’t getting food, he was getting another two beers. I knew it was either that, or weed. I didn’t know which, but either way, I knew it wasn’t “snacks.”
He lied to me, straight to my face, knowing he was lying. I agreed to go with him to hang out with El and Britney. They’re painting walls or something, and that sounded more interesting than the usual, so I said we might as well go. I told him I was driving. He argued it out for a bit, and then I mentioned that he said he hated driving and wished I would drive him around, and then he agreed. He got into the driver’s seat less than ten minutes later and told me he just said that so I’d shut up.
I got into the passenger’s seat. He starts driving like he’s crazy, and I told him to let me out. I got out, and I walked back. I’m pretty pissed to say the least, but not angry I guess. It’s more like a dark sickness inside my stomach that I feel... It’s over I guess. How can I let this continue? How can I let him rape me like this? That’s what’s happening here. I’m being used.
But we haven’t had sex in all this time... I keep hoping. I also keep crying. Even he said it, I’ve been miserable for practically the last year. One dream at a time... Wither. Away.
I’m going to pull away now... Start to rely on myself. I have to. I. Have. To. Like driving. Like working, though I haven’t succumbed to that one yet. I suppose I actually have though. I’m already looking at it as a part of the near future... I’m so lost in my own self-pity. I’m suffocating with it.















Friday, October, 31st 2008 at 9:50pm

In just a few hours nanowrimo begins, also known as National Novel Writing Month. The goal? One-hundred and seventy-five pages, or more commonly put as fifty-thousand words. That’s a 1700 every day of the month. I usually write about 700 words in the space of half an hour if I’m writing fairly fluently. So that is 142 hours needed, which is four hours a day. Whew, that’s a lot, but what did I expect? Obviously, to really do it I’m going to need to really work my ass off on it. I barely even know what I want the book to be about. I don’t intend to write the novel I’ve worked on over and over for like three years now. I have too many contradicting thoughts and ideas about where I want that to go, and too little idea how to make it all work.
I should start outlining some of my ideas more clearly so I can begin at midnight, ha. Won’t this be a crazy mess? I guess that’s the idea when you’re doing quantity over quality.

Sunday, November, 2nd 2008 at 10:59am

The day hasn’t even begun yet and I already wish I was still asleep. I was having warm and comfortable dreams of cuddling and comfort and happiness. Strange dreams for me indeed. Or at least I was, until the phone rang at about 10am. And then, like a cat after a mouse, Crusifer is gone. And despite his promises of return... I’ve gotten less attention than his phone call or his computer this morning already, as usual I suppose. Why do I expect anything different? Perhaps it’s worse in contrast to such fluffy dreams. What on earth is my mind thinking to let me be all happy in my sleep?
Okay, this is all a bunch of drama writing, and I need to lay-off the drama writing and do more nanowrimo writing. I’ve got around 3500 words so far, which means I only have 46500 left to go! Can anybody say “woot”? I’m glad I’m doing this for myself and not for anybody else, otherwise I’d probably have already given up.
I already know mom is too busy to care about much of anything I do unless what I do assists her. Crusifer doesn’t care about anything I do unless is disturbs his computer usage or unless it will mean not having sex, or something along those lines. Like now, I’m sure he doesn’t give a damn what I’m doing as he sits there all quiet at his computer. And well, I have Matt’s support for the actual writing of the words, but I doubt he’d read it when it was done. Then again, would I read his? I don’t know.
I’m being ignored. Well, I suppose I’m not really being ignored so much as I’m not being paid attention to. I should just go make my apple, sausage and yams myself, even if it takes me over an hour and leaves me with sore wrists. (Peeling and slicing both yams and apples is a hell of a lot of effort, especially since they bake down, so you need to make a lot just to have a little.)

What do I do?

Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 3:06pm

“It’s hard to wait around for something that might not happen, but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you ever wanted.”
Boy can I relate. Crusifer once asked me, “Why do you put up with me?” You know what I answered him with? I said, “Because you have the capability to be everything I ever wanted and to make me blissfully happy forever.”
He doesn’t though. He could, but he doesn’t.
In other news... My eye sight is getting worse. I can’t sit as far away from the computer as I used to. (I don’t use glasses at my computer.) I can’t read street signs from as far away as I used to with my glasses on. I tested my eye sight against a bunch of Matt’s friends and they were all able to read (with or without glasses depending on which one of them we’re talking about) a sign that I couldn’t read with my glasses on.
I’ve only had them a little over a year. I’m only nineteen. At this rate I won’t be able to see a foot away from me clearly within six or seven years. It’s frightening.

















Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 7:24pm

Matt,
I’ve had more fun in the last few hours than I’ve had in so long... I was completely without stress, and didn’t have constant thoughts barging in on me the way I usually do.
I think Ashley is pretty cool from what I’ve seen of her. I’m a tad bit afraid to be as enthusiastic as she is about hanging out. It’s reassuring to me that I don’t suck, but it’s hard for me to return it even though in my mind it makes me feel special. This sounds lame, but I’m nervous to be too friendly because I might scare her off.
It’s depressing to be home again. I don’t have any inspiration for anything I used to do at all. Not a bit of it. I feel as though I’ve been tossed out of myself and now I don’t really know what I’m looking for anymore. Perhaps it’s just because of everything with Crusifer... I adapt to a person as much as I can, but when it’s over I shed a shell of adaptations and find myself underneath again. When I shed the “Tre shell” I was so much happier, but this... This I didn’t expect. I didn’t realize how far I’d adapted, and this change is showing me how unwilling I’ve become to be that person for him anymore...
What’s odder is that it’s as though I’ve been changing underneath the “Crusifer shell” and becoming someone new while I wasn’t watching or something.
I’m mostly just stressed about what to do about money though. Like, what I want to do in my free time isn’t really an issue, it’s what I want to do in my not-free time. I’ve spent the last two years spending my not-free-time cleaning and cooking for Crusifer, and planning to do more of the same for years to come... But if that’s not going to be the case, then what can I do?
Sure there is all number of things, but what will be acceptable to myself and everyone else as well? I’m completely against getting a job just for the money. I want a job that has some relevance to my skills and interests, but which one would best apply? I’m more likely to get one if I can figure that out, because they I’ll be able to make a very valid point as to why I should be hired and I’d have a place to go and advertise myself whenever I felt I should or wanted to until I got hired. If I don’t figure it out, I’ll half-heartedly put in some applications and probably never get hired anywhere.
...On a much more personal note. When we were on the beach today, and Ashley was out of hearing range... I was imaging tackling you into the water and landing atop you and give you a couple of kiss attacks. The thought even now has me smiling. The sun setting, the water, the smell... It was all... Perfect. Still is. I can see it in my mind just as it was while those thoughts we’re floating through my head.
You know... I would very much like to be... In a relationship with you in your way. No kissing, no fucking, no living together, no expectations, no plans, no obligations except those we set on ourselves for the coming day or week... I’m more interested in the companionship part of a relationship now than I’ve ever been. Being close is important to me too, but it’s so much more important to be close mentally than physically...
I’m still in love with Crusifer, but... Not like I was. I’m not sure if you want to say that I “love him” now but that I’m not “in love with him” or however people like to put it. That doesn’t seem to quite fit. It’s more like I’ve lost hope of the dreams I’d built up around him. The family, the lifestyle, the art... All those things we’d talked about doing together. I just don’t see it happening, not when he behaves this way.
He clearly told me that he’ll go wherever there is to be the most fun had at the moment. Doesn’t matter if he had plans with me, or made me a promise. Only that it seems like more fun at that moment to be where he is than to come home. When he told me this, he didn’t sound guilty, so ashamed or even sad. He stated it as a boring fact that I should take in passing. I’m already over it enough that I’m not crying now. That part of me is rotting away... It cries, and passes like a wounded ghost possessing me from time to time, hoping to find solace, but not finding anything but more hurt.
Hence, the things I said before. I’d like to be your girlfriend in your way, and not mine. The slow, easy going, no plans or obligations way. Could I handle it? Who knows. Would it last? I have my serious doubts. I’m not really asking you out, clearly, since I’m still hanging on to my rotting relationship in the hopes it might sprout new growths or something, but like you say I guess, things are better said...
If I’m still with Crusifer six months from now, either I need to be smacked out of my insanity, or Crusifer needs to be awarded for his amazing turn around... In the mean time, I could use more distraction so I can grow a new self and grow familiar with it. And you’re pretty much the center of my distractions...

Tuesday, October, 14th 2008 at 10:09pm

Crusifer,
I’m feeling pretty sick right now. I wish I didn’t have to pick you up, but I would never just not show when I said I would. I’m not sure if it’s just another pregnancy irregularity or if there was something in the stew I ate over an hour ago now. I should tell my mom to be more careful as to what she tells me I should eat some of. I suspect the “cheap gravy” she had to throw in contained some things she didn’t think to check on...
Have you ever taken an interest in cooking? Would you ever want to cook something for me? I love food you know. Good, healthy, wholesome food. I think eating is one of my favorite things to do. Did you know that?
I went on a nature trail with Ashley and Matt today, and also to the beach. It felt really good to get some fresh air and to walk around. I wish I could do things like that more often. I’d like to be closer to nature very much. I’d like to be closer to you...
I feel like such a wall has been built up between us that I can’t talk to you anymore. I feel like discussing how I feel about anything I dislike is just complaining and bitching to you. I feel like I have to hold myself together in front of you the same way I would in front of a stranger. I don’t feel relaxed, I don’t feel like I can cry on your shoulder, I don’t feel like I can ask for favors or offer them either. Why do you suppose that is?
I want to really understand what’s going on in your mind and how you make your choices. From what you’ve said to me recently, you choose to do the most fun thing available at the time, regardless of promises, obligations, plans or other people’s feelings, including and especially mine. How am I supposed to take that? You said it as if that was a given, as if it shouldn’t affect me, bother me, or surprise me.
Honestly, that’s one of the most hurtful things you’ve ever said. Everything you do and say affects me. It’s called being in a relationship. It’s called being in love. Your words are like knives. That along with, “now that all this lovy-dovy shit is over you need to get a job.” Wouldn’t that mean, in other words, now that you’re not crazy about me like you were, you’re no longer willing to indulge my ideas of being a house wife and that you’d rather have a room mate who fucks you than a future wife? If that’s not what you meant, then you have a hell of a lot of clarifying to do.
I understand that you have a lot of things going on... I have been there you know. I once went to school, and then work, and got home between four and five, and then I catered to the dick head I was with at the time. (And was in bed before you get off of work.) In that case, it wasn’t worth it. Mostly for the same reason I begin to feel like this isn’t worth it. No appreciation. No future. No mutual goals that we’re working towards together... Just day to day suckage.
In different terms, I feel like there are certain things you have done and said recently that have stabbed our relationship. Until these weapons are removed, and the wounds are cleaned and bandaged and have healed, I don’t see us moving forward in a productive or healthy way. And as for now, I feel like everything we have is just bleeding onto the floor, and like you’re just watching, uncaring, distant, unreachable...
I feel like you’ve already left and I’m the one bleeding, not over it yet. Serious clarifications as to what you want, what you need, what you expect, and what you’re aiming for need to be made in order for this to work. And also, I would take it as a good sign if you were interested in what I want, need, expect and am aiming for. When is the last time you asked me one of those questions?
I’m not sure what’s wrong babe. My opinion is that you need to stop smoking weed, start eating better and also practice habitual stress-relieving activities everyday in order to find your center, your truest desires and your deepest and most important self. Perhaps this sounds condescending, but I say this not out of desperation or hurt, but out of love and concern: I really believe your general pattern of activities as a whole is destructive to your mental, emotional and physical stability and that if you don’t stop, you’ll lose everything, starting with your composure, and quickly following; me.
Not that I’m not willing to stick around through “bad times,” but there is a line that needs to be drawn between “bad times” and outright slights at my humanity. The level of respect you give me is less than I would expect from a common associate. I’m kept on a need-to-know basis like an annoying co-worker. You give more respect to your job than to me. You call them if you’re going to be late or not going to make it. You’re on time. You do everything that is asked of you and more. You are watchful of the “moods” of the shop and do your work with passion, consideration and careful thought. Perhaps you’re used up after all that and don’t have anything left for me or any woman. Maybe there is no room in your heart for a full time job as well as a woman?
I can only speculate. All you’ve given me to work off of are the facts, and of course, that you are not “feeling like yourself lately.” What a resource of information that gives me. Don’t you know that I care about you? Don’t you know that I worry about you? Don’t you know that I think about you all the time still? Don’t you realize that it’s becoming painful for me to think about us?
I guess the bottom line is that I feel like overall I’ve treated you like a king. I’ve done the things you asked of me, I’ve been clear and forthcoming in what I’d like in return. I’ve offered favors and ideas as fast as they came to me. I’ve been here for you even when I hated your guts. I’ve calmed myself and talked to you when I believed you were purposely being spiteful towards me. I feel like I’ve been fair, and like you have shrugged me off in return.
I don’t feel like it’s entirely your fault, or like you’re really hurting me this much on purpose, but I do feel like there are a large number of things you and I could do to change things. But honestly, we’re looking at a bleak path at this rate. Things need to turn around, or we’re in gutter, alone. I don’t want to make you feel “obligated.” If you don’t feel the want or the need to generate love in this relationship, then don’t. If making me smile doesn’t make you smile, then don’t. If being with me doesn’t bring you peace, then be somewhere else. If my company doesn’t satisfy you, find other company. What can I say?
You once asked why I put up with you, why I loved you, why I was still with you... I answered honestly. The reason is still the same too. The reason? You have the capability to make me blissfully happy for the rest of my days.

Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 2:08pm

Matt writes me:
Call me naive. Maybe it is that i fall truly in love with people. Maybe all those friends that i have that i love so much are loved in the same way you would a lover (minus the physical aspect). Maybe in that sense I am bi-sexual (minus the physical aspect again). Maybe i just express my love in drastically different ways than other people. I dunno... I say this because i like how you say a relationship in "my way." And it got me thinking on that.
I'm not sure how to respond to everything yet, but I'm not confused by it, nor troubled by it. I really am somehow proud of what you seem to be becoming. I think that whole "inner self" thing you mentioned is why i said to you "i like where your life is going." The more time i've spent with you, the less you seem to be some conflicted, misguided teenager, and the more you seem like an overall better character, a better person than as when we first met. You still have your inadequacies but so do i and so does everyone.
I don't know how to put this all into words, but if you haven't caught on, it’s a very big complement. Regardless of how the relationship evolves, You can be certain its not going to end, possibly ever. don't take that as an invitation to go out because it definitely isn't. You clearly know that my kind of relationship involves very little official thoughts or stark lines. I live in shades of grey and you seem to more than understand that. I already have the kind of relationship with you that you seem to be implying, we just don't spend enough time together.
However, if you notice, now i'm finally able to get ash to just leave at the drop of a hat. We just walked out on Monday and walked around the campus park. We just went to tifft and the beach today. Now that i've broken one college dormy, the only one i consider an actual friend no less, its going to get easier to leave and hang with you. I will understand if you're not up to doing anything on friday for obvious reasons, but i think the three of us haven't had nearly our last adventure. I live in those shades of grey with a lot of people, though the list has been shortening with college. i'm down to 3 of you. I'm sorry if i still put chris above you on the list but you can throw it in ashley's face that she's at the bottom of it. I just haven't known her for nearly as long. I'd say "luv ya" but you'd want to take the wrong way regaurdless of whether or not you understand my intentions. :P
All's well that ends well, -Matt

I write back:
Matt,
That is a very interesting concept you have going. Perhaps you love your friends so much that making a commitment to love one person and only one person is limiting your capacity. However, in this premature fantasy I was creating when I wrote you I was imagining gaining the majority of your free time... And I beyond that, I don’t think I was imagining much of a change in how we are now. Even if I was completely separated from Crusifer, I don’t think I want something like that again anytime soon.
Crusifer knows my feelings and changing. He’s finally caught on and he is trying to make fast work of fixing things. He asked me a dozen of the common relationship questions last night, like “you’re still crazy about me right?” and “we’re going to be together forever, right?” and “you’re mine?” and so forth. I answered as usual, but probably not with half the enthusiasm. And in response to if I’m “his” I said, “You’d better get to claiming me.”
I suppose the only thing a girl could expect out of you in a relationship physically is perhaps a dry kiss here and there. Which is fine with me about now. I feel like there is so much pressure on me to constantly be this nimpf, and while I like to feel sexy, and while I like sex, it’s just not fun anymore when I feel so it’s so required. Being “rejected” because you’re not in the mood sucks.
I’m nervous about going out with Dave tonight. I suggested it while I was very upset with Crusifer and now it seems like a reckless idea. I wanted to do something drastic, in fact, I wanted to disappear for a week or so, starting at that moment, but I couldn’t because of the abortion of course. Speaking of which. I’d love to hang out on Friday...
I was going to ask you to come over on Friday. Though I was hoping to have you all to myself. It would be interesting however to completely break the ice between Ashley and I to the point where the three of us are so comfortable together that it’s as though there were only two people in the room. I’ve never experienced that with three people before.
Yesterday I was having a ball on the car ride home imagining the three of us being intimate. Ashley is quite hot. She’s quite straight though, isn’t she? Anyway, that’s a misbegotten thought that surely won’t benefit me in the future.
I really feel wretched about this whole thing. I haven’t really lied to Crusifer yet, but it’s so hard not to when I’m hiding so much from him at this point. There isn’t supposed to be “back up” for true love... That’s what I’ve always believed in, and trying to arrange a line of “back ups” is making me sick to my stomach the way it conflicts with all of my ideals.
Are you complimenting me on not knowing anything anymore? I had a plan. I had dreams. I had ideas. I had this carefully constructed fantasy of a future all worked out. The only problem was that it depended on variables: other people. Now that I’ve been let down, I realize I have no idea what other things out there interest me. Aside from nature. I figured that much out.
Computers, and art and writing is all I’ve ever been good at. I’d feel like a fool to try and do something different starting now, but for some reason I want to be everything different. Perhaps this is what Crusifer was talking about... He said that when people turn twenty they change drastically. Brianna left him when she turned twenty. He predicted that I would do the same thing. Well, you know what I hate more than prophesies? Self-fulfilling prophesies.
I could be going through this change with him right now, but instead he’s chasing his art, and I’m chasing... Myself, I guess. Whoa, that must make us both look like idiots. I’m chasing my tail, and he’s chasing his own artwork! I’m really cracking up right now imaging this. But you get what I meant, of course that was all figuratively speaking.
So yeah, with or without Ashley I’d like to see you on Friday, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to walk. When one of things you’re not supposed to do for a week is “take a bath” is makes me wonder how I’ll be the following day. And I might have side effects from being “put under” as well. I’m really leaning towards being asleep rather than having the area numbed. I don’t want to have to think about it while it’s being done. I have no idea what being put to sleep might do to me, since I’m more sensitive than most to any form of drugs; from aspirin, to weed, to antibiotics, to sugar.
Anyway... I’ll let you know how things went at the first logical opportunity... And, thanks by the way.









Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 5:46pm

I feel bad about this. About everything really. Tomorrow is the abortion, and... Well, Tina came to visit with her baby. She, of course, wants me to keep it. She says she’s happy even though the relationship the baby’s father is almost nonexistent. She says she’d adopt my baby if only I’d have it. That’s how much she’d like me to keep it. She says she’d give me all her hand-me-down clothes and her bayonet. It’s tempting, and it’s heartbreaking.
It’s really up to Crusifer. And again, it’s not up to him at all. I’m so conflicted about this. We’ll probably break up if I don’t have this baby. And we’ll probably get married if I keep it. And I’ve already committed myself to not keeping it. I feel so sick... I really wish I hadn’t suggested going out with Dave tonight. I’m a total bundle of nerves.
Hopefully he’s just a nice guy and isn’t trying to get more from me than a nice evening out. Of course, he’s a guy, so he probably is trying to get a lot more out of me. I feel silly. I shouldn’t go, but I already said I would, and I don’t like going back on my word. I feel like I’m going behind Crusifer’s back even though I don’t want to “do” anything with this guy.
I’ve decided not to wear anything special. I’m so not ready to give up on this relationship, and now that it comes down to it I’m not sure I’m ready to give up on having this baby, and I only gave between now and tomorrow at noon to decide. What if I am supposed to have this baby? What if it would change everything between Crusifer and I?
I wish I could take back everything I’ve said and done since I’ve been pregnant. I really think Crusifer is just as conflicted as I am, and since he has to deal with work on top of it that he’s just really stressed. We’re supposed to be there for each other for better or for worse. I should be able to handle this, shouldn’t I?
I should meditate. I should be meditating instead of going out, but then again, going out is going to give me a whole other perspective. The direct contrast between Tina with her baby, and being out and about with a guy, and from last night, being curled up with Crusifer, and from yesterday going on a nature hike with Matt and Ashley. Perhaps this is all just giving me a perspective to understand better what I want.
I could get married to Crusifer and have his baby and still go out with friends and have a good time. I don’t have to rely on him for everything even if we were married. I guess this all comes back to what he says. Somehow I feel like this is going to be a long night...
I just spoke to Dave on the phone. He says he’ll be here at about 6:25pm according to his gps system. I’m so nervous about this. I want to work everything out with Crusifer, not run away... I feel so terrible. I wish I had more advice, like from a mentor or something... Someone whose been in my shoes... Someone who can tell me how to be distracted in the right ways, and when it’s right to run away and when it’s best to hold your ground.
Well, here goes a heck of a lot of nothing.










Wednesday, October, 15th 2008 at 11:59pm

So much for that conversation. I was very seriously considering keeping this baby. Very seriously. Until it’s would-be father got home. Enough said.

Friday, October, 17th 2008 at 12:10pm

Wednesday I started freaking out about having the abortion. I want a baby, I argued to myself. Crusifer doesn’t want me to have this baby, I argued back. The pros and cons extended much longer than that however. Pros of keeping it: have a baby close to the age of Tina’s baby. Have my own baby. Have an excuse to bond with Tina. Not have to go through with an abortion. Fulfil my fantasies of marriage and a baby all at once. Cons of keeping it: I would have to marry Crusifer immediately because my dad would kick me out if I wasn’t married to the father of my baby, so he said about a year ago. Crusifer isn’t ready to marry me, and therefor, I’m not ready to marry him. Crusifer hasn’t been acting like a good boyfriend, so how can I expect him to be a good husband and father? Expenses would go up by about one hundred a month or more.
I wanted to seriously discuss these things with Crusifer, but when we got home Wednesday night he left again immediately to go get a beer. That completely destroyed my ideas of keeping it right from the start. Then we went on to argue for the next three hours or so.
Truly, I felt awful about “going on a date” with Dave, and I wanted to confess to Crusifer and to move on from that, but I told him that night desperately trying to grasp something from Crusifer. I’m not sure what reaction I expected or wanted, but it wasn’t too pretty there for a while. He decided to believe me about the date, but to not believe me about me not having cheated on him in any way. He believed I had been considering keeping the baby, but didn’t believe I had considered getting a job. In other words, he chose to believe only negative and hurtful things all night and to sling them at me one at a time.
By the time I went to sleep early in the wee hours of Thursday, I had firmly decided to get the abortion. Clearly the man laying next to me was no fit father or husband. I got up at 11:45am for the appointment, and despite all of Crusifer’s threats from Wednesday, he got up and went with us when we left at 12:10pm. The appointment was for 12:30pm. We arrived at 12:20pm. That seemed reasonable to me, until I got in there. The place was packed, from floor, to chair to outside. So many women getting abortions, almost all of them looked around my age.
...I heard the song “If I were a boy,” by Beonce last night. It’s one of those songs that really hurts, because I understand so completely, and he doesn’t. “If I were a boy, Even just for a day, I’d roll out of bed in the morning, And throw on what I wanted and go...” Girls dress for their men, guys dress for themselves. “Drink beer with the guys, And chase after girls, I’d kick it with who I wanted,
And I’d never get confronted for it, Because they’d stick up for me.” Girls will tell your man that you we’re cheating, while guys will stand up for their fellow guys.
“If I were a boy, I think that I’d understand, how it feels to love a girl, I swear I’d be a better man, I’d listen to her, cause I know how it hurts, when you loose the one you wanted, cause he’s taken you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed...” That doesn’t require additional comments.
“If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone, Tell everyone that its broken, so they think
that I was sleeping alone, I’d put myself first, and make the rules as I go, cause I know that she’ll be faithful, waiting for me to come home.” I always answer my phone for him, but I can remember clearly walking up to the front door of the house and watching Crusifer out the window, talking to El... They we’re drinking together, laughing, and playing music on the laptop. I called him, and he reached in his pocket and ignored the call. I tried again and again, hurt more each time when he still wouldn’t answer it.
“But your just a boy, You don’t understand, How it feels to love a girl, Someday you’ll wish you were a better man, You don’t listen to her, You don’t care how it hurts, Until you lose the one you wanted, Cause you’ve taken her for granted, And everything you had got destroyed, But you’re just a boy…”
The abortion it self was one long nightmare. We were in the waiting room for two hours before they gave me paperwork (2:30ish), and then another hour until they had me pee in a cup and then drew my blood (3:15ish), and then another hour until they gave me a sonogram and told me I was eight weeks along (4:00ish). After that it was another hour until they brought me into the counseling room to confirm my medical history and to review the option of adoption and of keeping the baby.
The counselor was a nice lady. She showed me how the procedure would work on a little plastic model. She then told me it would be at least another hour before I got in for the actual abortion and that I could go get something to eat if I wanted. We drove home, and I ate a half a potato, some broccoli and a bit of juice. Crusifer didn’t come back with us after that. He complained loudly about his lost day off of work.
We came back after an hour an a half (5:20pm) and then waited another two hours until they finally called my name along with two other girls. (7:00ish) Then one at a time the three of us changed out of pants and underwear and wrapped paper stuff around us and sat down to wait some more. The other two girls were before me. At about eight o’clock they finally brought me in to the room. After barely eating anything all day and being tense and upset all day, I was practically choking on myself when I entered the room.
They stuck a needle in me, which turned out to be the “shaft” or something like that, they then would keep that shaft there until they were done injecting things. She put some fluid in me, and suddenly it was completely impossible to sit up, and my head began to hurt, I got cold and starting shaking. The doctor didn’t seem to notice or care. After a while she brought me a blanket. It felt like an eternity and the blanket felt like a band-aid on a gaping wound.
I begin to cry uncontrollably and start to shake. The woman asks me what’s wrong and I tell her that I just don’t react well to drugs. She told me she hadn’t drugged me yet, and that she just put a little water in my blood. At that point I wanted to strangle something but was to weak to even speak. How could it only be water? I didn’t understand it then, nor do I understand it now. Perhaps I was just reacting to the pain and the cold.
They brought the counselor in to confirm that I was doing what I wanted to do. At some point some one asked how I was feeling and I spat “shitty as fuck” out at them. I couldn’t even hold my own head up before they drugged me. They asked me questions, something mundane I think. I felt the insertion go in, and in only seconds it came back out and they we’re telling me it was done. I was confused, because the woman before said it would take several minutes, but it had only been seconds from my perception. I don’t know if that was the drug or if it really only does take a couple of seconds to get it out...
I don’t remember getting off the table, but I do remember being sat in the chair. I was supposed to sit for half an hour, but as soon as I had any wit about me I wanted to get out of there and as fast as possible. I dressed, barely able to stand and to put my pants on the right way. I stumbled out, completely lost. I don’t remember the car ride home. I crawled up the stairs. I don’t remember making it to the bed.
Crusifer was then suddenly with me. My guess is that was only half an hour after the operation at that point. It felt like it was only moments ago, but the car ride would have been fifteen minutes. Perhaps it was even longer, because who knows how long it took me to get dressed. I didn’t really move until hours afterwards. I ended up talking a lot, about a ton of different things. I made Crusifer laugh a lot, and I know a made a ton of interesting points, but it’s all a bit fuzzy.
Crusifer made me rice, which is a complete first. Never has he cooked me anything from beginning to finish like that. He also made me a salad. And tea this morning. I feel more loved than I have in over a month...
I feel extremely tired now though. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long, boring, day. I hate that I’m alone. I felt so abandoned in that cold room yesterday... I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like barely anything happened in the last week except that. It’s consuming my brain. I wish I was asleep the whole time, from the moment I arrived at that place. It’s all one long bad memory.
I hate that I had no choice. I hate Crusifer for taking my dreams right out from under me. I hate being so dependant and useless! All I do is get myself into trouble. I hate being so alone.
It was right there in front of me... Everything I wanted... Now I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just know I’m sick of fighting. I want to close my big mouth and just let everybody do whatever they want to do without my say on it... It’s so stressful to try.
I never wrote what my dad said... What he did, really. So I made the sign and put it on the bathroom, the one that says “please respect my lungs even if you can’t respect yours” sort of sign. I can smell it in my bathroom clearly and it makes me dizzy and gives me headaches and makes me cough. Just after putting it up my father comes to me, with a lit cigarette in hand, blows the smoke in my face and says, “I’ll do what I want. It’s my house. You got it?”
I said, “as my father I thought you would care.”
He said, “You do what you want. It’s my house.”
“Are you drunk?” I asked.
“No,” he says blowing more smoke in my face. “It’s my house, you got it?”
“Yes,” I said, “I got it,” I mumbled. In my head I added, my father doesn’t care about me, yep, loud and clear.
I found out from my mom that he’s having a tough time at work. I guess that’s an excuse to completely disown your daughter or something. Crusifer is having a rough time at work too, and I guess men think that because they have stress at work they can come home and treat everyone like shit and have a valid excuse. I have not spoken to my father since then. If you can call him that after he so completely disrespected my existence like that. I’ve never been disrespected like that in my life, by anybody. At least, nothing has even been such a complete betrayal of trust and affection.
No father. No baby. No husband. No job. No school. No future. Useless. That’s what I am to the world. I wanted desperately to kill myself on Wednesday. I took somewhere between five and eight aspirins... Not sure what I was hoping for. I didn’t have the guts to do anything worse than that. Currently, I’m not looking forward to much of anything. All I have is myself and now. It’s rather empty, like my uterus, like everything.
After biting into an apple, I do have something I look forward to, and that is my next organic meal. I love eating. I love feeling like I’d doing something good for my body. I love the tastes and the chewing and the feeling full. As much as I enjoy writing, I don’t look forward to the next time I get to write. I generally never miss writing, but I do feel weird when I sit down and can’t seem to find anything to write about.
How do you live for anything but love?


Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 6:01pm

Sitting up to type this is making me extremely dizzy. I hope it stops making me dizzy sometime soon... I’d like to be able to do something for the first time in well over a month, but I guess that’s too much to ask. I’m trying so hard... To sit up... It’s so hard...
Stomach, head, ovaries... Dizzy.....

Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 6:21pm

I’m feeling less dizzy now. Matt writes me on Friday:

I think you made the right choice.
I think you've learned a lot.
I don't think you're totally alone.
I think Crusifer is even more conflicted than you.
I think this could end up being the biggest storm you have to weather before the skies clear.
I don't think Crusifer is even remotely capable of coming to term with his conflict realistically.
I think you need to follow what your brain tells you and do what you love, and learn about it.
I think you're parent's are like everyone else's, old, and a failure in their own eyes.
I think you already agree with me on the next point regardless of whether or not you thought about it, which you very well may have. In fact, i know you have under a different context, so this is more just me trying to let you know that you are right now and then :P.
I don't think you want to make the same mistakes Tina did, i don't know why she would tell you to do so. It probably has to do with the fact that she loves her child or is pro-life or something, but you know you can love your child and give it a real father and a real home. You should wait until you can give your kid what he or she deserves, not take from the child everything because you selfishly want something to hug. Know what I mean? If you truly plan on having a child and will truly love that child, you can't do it for selfish reasons. You have a child for the sake of the child, not for you own sake. To do it for such selfish reasons is selfish, cruel, and ignorant. I'm sure someone who values love so much more than agrees with me, having been treated in a similar fashion by multiple people in your life.
I don't think I'll make it down today, but there is a very good chance for Saturday. Like, astronomically so. I have to be in the neighborhood anyways to talk to my brother and deliver him his bike, and he wants to feed me a meal. Afterwards i could just go the extra few blocks.
Please remember that i have genuine concern for you, so please cut down on the aspirin :P I know i keep disappointing with time, and just like any other guy i have responsibilities to other people and to myself. I hope it's consoling that i don't take you're existence for granted, and that the time we do spend together is almost always constructive. Just hang in there. Although, i hate to knock the guy but the more i hear about him the more i dislike him. I didn't dislike him at first, i didn't for a long time, but some of the things he does and says seem entirely heartless to me. I was even considering going with you, but first off that would be awkward as hell given who else would be with you and secondly, what can i say i have a test in macro-economics soon and there was only one class left for me to study lol, more responsibilities, i know, but i figure in the long term, my education will benefit the people around me more than short term highs. That has an interesting metaphor in it i'm sure you get. Don't worry be Happy, -matt

I write Matt back now:

I think I feel like shit.
I think I learned that most choices suck no matter what choice you make.
I think that being alone and feeling alone are two very different things.
I know Crusifer is more conflicted than I am.
This has been the shittest storm I've ever been through and I'm still aching from it, literally.
I think Crusifer... Is in love with me, but doesn't want to behave like a person in love should, because he doesn't know how, and because he's afraid of being "weak."
I don't think my brain has any good ideas about what I love to do. I love to love.
I know both my parents feel like failures, especially my dad. My mom is at least proud of me, while my dad doesn't seem to take pride in anything.
I think Tina feels alone too, and would feel less alone if I had a baby too. She seems really proud of her baby and her choice to keep it, despite everything. I don't think she was trying to drag me down with her at all.
I agree whole-heartedly about giving a child everything an innocent being deserves: two stable parents or guardians who love them with all their heart, who don't fight all the time. That isn’t something I can give a child right now.
Such a good chance for Saturday, but you’re not here. I wouldn’t have been great company anyway. I started freezing, then huddled under the blankets, took medication which made me sleep, then woke up all hot and sweaty, and now I’m so dizzy going to the bathroom sucks, and I probably reek of blood.
I do disagree about the part where you said “you have a child for the sake of the child.” Perhaps that’s idea, but I don’t think any parent really feels that way about it. They want their children to fulfil their unfulfilled dreams. They want someone to love them. They want a baby to cuddle. They want to feel grown up. They want to feel like they have power. They want to give someone everything they never had as a kid. Whatever the reason, selfish or not, it’s always for yourself. Doing something for yourself isn’t always selfish.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to be doing the aspirin thing anytime again soon... I can’t say I’ll never do it again... It’s a bit to easy to keep taking aspirins on the off chance that somebody might care or that you might go to the hospital or something. I’ll probably never cut myself again in my life though, the few times I did it I felt so stupid afterwards.
Crusifer does do and say some heartless things. I’m beginning to understand why. That’s a topic I’d like to talk to you about in person really. I have too many different speculations to write it concisely at the moment. I do believe he tries... But sometimes trying just doesn’t cut it, huh?
I’m surprised to hear that you would consider going with me. You would have been there all freaking day, (eight hours) in this hot, stuffy room with a bunch of other unfortunate girls like myself. It would have been fun to have you there if Crusifer hadn’t been there, but Crusifer is very jealous about my attention with other people. If I start paying more attention to someone else when he is around he’ll start saying things like, “now that you guys are done sucking each other’s cock...”
Funny, and yet, not funny.

-Atara




Saturday, October, 18th 2008 at 9:39pm

Matt actually just came by. He left about half an hour ago. I’m not having so much trouble sitting up anymore, but I feel feverish. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my lungs and teeth feel cold when I breathe, and when I take a really full breath the center of my chest hurts. That’s what I’m feeling at this moment, but throughout the day I’ve been really cold, or really hot, had stomach aches, ovary aches, cramping, dizziness, and overall soreness which is probably just from being inactive too long.
All of it is starting to concern me. I’ve been so uncomfortable while sleeping that I’m having dreams that I’m actually worse than I am. I dreamed today that I shoved all the blankets off the bed and was still so hot that I was sweating. I dreamed that my chest hurt so bad that I couldn’t speak or move. I dreamed I was so weak that I couldn’t lift the phone to call my mom. Last night I continually woke up from (literally) ovary pains.
I don’t even know what things I should be doing. I’m not sure if the general “drink lots of fluids and sleep a lot applies” or not. Perhaps walking would help, but I won’t risk it without knowing that for sure. Perhaps I need to be piled with blankets and sleep all day. Perhaps I should be eating a lot of food, maybe I should only be eating certain foods. Maybe I need to go see a doctor, maybe this is all normal. I have no idea. And worse yet, I don’t trust doctors.
Unless I’m in so much pain that I can’t move, I’m not about to go running to the doctor so I can sit and wait around for three to eight hours so that they can check me out and say “you’re fine.” I hate that, and it’s happened to me so many times it’s not even funny. I hate doctors. I hate hospitals, I hate being sick. I hate not knowing what’s wrong with me and no one being able to tell me!
They never said I would experience these particular side effects. They said nausea, cramping and sleepiness. Not things like, “your lungs may feel turned inside out and freezing cold every time you take a breath. Also, your ovaries might feel like giant sensitive stones trying to torture you. That’s normal.” I hate this shit. I hate society. I hate that I’m alone.
Seeing Matt for a short couple of hours... Was it even that long? Just reminded me how I’m going through this alone in an attic. Meanwhile, my aunt calls me hoping I can solve her computer problems. No, I can’t, and even if I could, call tech support, I’m clearly not well. Also, random people instant message me making me think that Crusifer is talking to me when it’s just some random slugs who want to fuck me... Sorry, I feel like shit, if you don’t read my blog and already know this, then you’re probably a slug who just wants to fuck me.
Guess what folks! I can’t put anything in my vagina for three weeks, not even water. The idea of sex is about as repulsive as maggots right now. The idea of waking up to another day is repulsive right now. I hope Crusifer continues to act like a decent human being, because I’m under enough stress without getting all emotional about two years of my life spent with another guy who won’t ever man up and marry me.
“If you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it,” so says Beyonce. And she looks very hot in that music video by the way. It’s called “all the single ladies” which I wouldn’t expect to appeal to me, but it’s actually a very good song, and she looks amazingly hot... Anyway...
Writing suddenly became too much effort for me to continue...




Sunday, October, 19th 2008 at 2:13pm

Unreliable is an understatement. “We haven’t gone to Red Robin in forever, I can’t wait to go tomorrow,” he says. And of course he wants to go grocery shopping with me since last time I went with mom and didn’t buy any of the foods he likes. Well, he wanted to cut down on food, so I did.
This, however, is the constant torment of living with and loving a hypocritical, unreliable jerk. I wake up almost every morning to El calling up the stairs, ringing my cell phone or him throwing rocks at the window. This morning, it was rocks. I rolled over and hoped Crusifer would send him away and come back shortly. I had too much faith in him this morning.
It’s now been three hours and he’s not outside, not callable, hasn’t called, and who knows if and when he’ll ever come back. I feel like throwing everything he’s ever gave me out the window along with all of his shit and screaming like a raving wild animal. The only problem with that is that I wouldn’t feel any better afterwards, only more angry and upset.
I didn’t expect him to turn back to being a jerk only a mere two days later. I feel played, cheated and betrayed. I need to live for myself to stop feeling this way, I don’t even know where to begin. My life is just waiting for another let down at all times. Just waiting for my body to show me how much it sucks, waiting for my family to prove even further how unreliable they are. Just a constant show of society’s suckage...
If I didn’t want to go buy some food so bad I’d call up Matt and beg him to arrange for something other than misery to happen today. I’m hungry however, and hunger kinda eliminates other desires one by one the more potent it becomes. Sure, I could eat nothing but potatoes, and granola and rice all week but that wouldn’t be very healthy or satisfying.
I’m as mulish as a child left alone with no new toys, no friends and no parents to chatter at. It’s two-forty and he’s been gone since eleven. I don’t want to dwell on it, but what else is there to do?

Sunday, October, 19th 2008 at 7:39pm

Crusifer returned at two-fifty. Gone a little over three hours. This mostly peeves me because I’m left in the dark every single time. Right now, he’s sitting at his laptop, drinking a beer, and peering at a z-brush “how-to” sort of book that he just spend $45 on. He seems displeased with something, ever since some time during the car ride home... Not that he’d ever let me know what’s on his mind.
I feel completely torn. Inside and out. Today was a “good” day by all external appearances, but I don’t feel good. How to react? What to say? I’m turning twenty in January and I’m still constantly asking the question, “what do I do?” Perhaps that’s a life-long question.

Mid October

2008-10-06 18:16:18 Tater Comments:
I dumped my first husband because he was an alcoholic and I couldn't watch him self-destruct any longer. I never have regretted leaving him. My 2nd husband and I mutually agreed upon divorce. We basically fell out of love, ended up being just friends mostly and it seemed ridiculous to be married. I don't regret this either. We are still friends to this day. Larry and I are doing really, really well. We have been through so much trauma together and it makes us closer and we appreciate each other. We are just comfortable around each other..I can't imagine not being with him. Being pregnant is an added bonus and has brought us even closer. We have had our share of problems but we've managed to work things out. Relationships do take some work, but they shouldn't be as full of resentment as I see you feeling towards Crusifer...things should just be good naturally...if it is THAT difficult, it wasn't meant to be, I don't think! Also, you can't expect someone to change the way they are..it doesn't happen..all you can do is work on yourself.

Monday, October, 6th 2008 at 10:05pm

Tater,
I couldn’t really ask for better advice. It shouldn’t be this hard, but sometimes I wonder if it’s me who is making it so hard. What if Crusifer is the one for me, but I’m the one who needs to wake up and do something differently? I guess that’s my real question; how do you know if you’ve got the right guy but you’re doing everything all wrong?
I guess another part of reluctance to give up (aside from one month short of two years of history) is that I was changing so much while I was with Jeremy, but Jeremy didn’t see it, so he gave up on me and left. I resented that he didn’t see me changing. And in the end he wished he hadn’t left me.
I keep wondering if the same thing might be happening to Crusifer. What if he is changing, but I don’t know it? And beyond that, he doesn’t need to become a different person in order for this to work. I see the person I love all the time, the person I want to be there for, the person I’d be happy to spend my life with, but then he’ll go and do things that are just so inconsiderate. It completely confounds me.
However, I feel like more and more he is becoming a better “self” but not a better “partner.” He’s becoming a better tattoo artist, a better person, but he’s becoming a more detached partner. I feel like I don’t really connect with him anymore most of the time. I’m starting to feel like it’s already over or something, and that’s the worst part.
I don’t feel like this year’s holiday season is going to go well in this house. I feel like a total dweeb at the moment, for lack of a better word.

2008-10-07 02:49:24 Hallie’s Answers

Q: How do you know if you're not compatible with someone? A: You know it's not working when you're having problems in your relationship that stem from the interaction between the two of you (as opposed to external factors). If your relationship is going through a rough patch because you just lost your job, you have no reason to think you're incompatible. If your relationship is going through a rough patch because your partner reacts to your unemployment by pressuring you or being mean instead of helping or being supportive (or whatever it is you need) then the problem is incompatibility.
Q: What if just a few small changes will make a relationship work? A: If they're changes YOU can make, make them. If that doesn't work, then it isn't something a small change can fix. If they're changes your partner needs to make, ask once (maybe twice) and then give up. People generally don't change on anyone's time line but their own.
Q: And how do you know that if all the guys before were no better, than someone more compatible exists or is interested? A: The world is big. It has many, many people. Life is long, and you will come in contact with a lot of people. Someone who's better for you almost certainly exists. Personally, I just took it on faith and turned out to be right.
Q:You make it sound so simple, but how can I just say "well, this isn't perfect, so goodbye" and expect to find someone better? A: Wrapping your head around it may not be simple. Working up the nerve may not be simple. Getting comfortable with the idea may not be simple...but doing it is. You say "goodbye".


This will take some serious thought...
Tuesday, October, 7th 2008 at 4:32pm

I guess that only leaves one question. How do I know if I’m the one making everything so difficult? What if I was the one being unsupportive and inconsiderate but just didn’t realize it? I feel like too much shit to think about more shit...

JUST TWO THINGS: 1. Do it. 2. Send it.

Two Names You Go By:

1. Cheanna
2. Atara

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

1. Pink pants
2. Pink tank top

Two Things You Want in a relationship:

1. To feel loved and special
2. To make my partner feel loved and special

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:

1. Read a good book
2. Play a good game

Two Things You Want Very Badly at the Moment:

1. To be perfectly healthy
2. To not have anything to worry about

Two pets you had/have:

1. Serena (a cat I have now)
2. Shadow (a cat I had when I was very young)

Two people who will fill this out:

1. Crusifer... maybe...
2. Matt... possibly...

Two things you did last night:

1. Cried.
2. Stayed up too late.

Two Things you ate last night:

1. Organic granola with almond milk.
2. Organic yogurt chips.

Two people you talked to last night:

1. Crusifer.
2. Matt on IM.

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. Feeling like shit.
2. Feeling like crap.

Two longest car rides

1. From Buffalo to Georgia to California and back. (Took three weeks, longest stretch was about twenty hours straight.)
2. Possibly to Texas and back as a kid, but I don’t remember it. Maybe Ottawa, that was nine hours.

Two favorite holidays:

1. Christmas
2. It’s a toss up between Halloween (excuse to dress very goth), Thanksgiving (excuse to eat a lot), and my birthday (excuse to do as I damn well please all day.)

Two Favorite Beverages:

1. Tea with raw honey
2. Orange Juice or Water
Copy and past, delete my answers, type your own. You know the drill. Send it to friends and family who’ll enjoy, especially the person who sent it to you. The “theory” is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those whom you know.

Tuesday, October, 7th 2008 at 7:13pm

I’d almost rather die than do what I have to do this week. I just called Crusifer, because he should be the very first to know. Of course I suspected, but nothing like a pregnancy test to give you the “positive” in the words of a blue line. I read all the instructions fully, and it said that a negative could be a mistake, but that a positive was a positive and that it might show before two minutes. It took about one minutes and the control line and the pregnancy line were both there.
I’m disgusted with myself and this world on such a deep level that I’m calmly dangerous right now.
I say, “So I'm pregnant and have to get an abortion, and wish I was dead.”
He says, “Whoa. That's heavy.” (Who he is isn’t relevant in this case.)
“Indeed,” I agree. “I just now (less than ten minutes ago) took the pregnancy test. a positive is a positive.”
“How's Cor taking it?” He asks.
“It's not the same for a man, all he's worried about is the cost of the abortion. The only reason not to keep it is the fact that nobody can afford it. And the fact that we're not married. But if he could have been sober and more interested, we would have been married in April, and I would have kept it damn it. Now sometime soon I'll be laying on some table with a doctor sticking me in the arm and putting me to sleep so he can stick things in me and scrape up my insides until it all comes out. And then they'll put me on pills so I don't get an infection and tell me not to take a bath or have sex or use tampons for at least a week.
“I looked it up.
“The alternative? Pay another $200 and sit on the toilet for six hours at home crying while your body pushes it out and you feel like you're bleeding to death. The other option? Refuse abortion, defy my parents and Crusifer, get kicked out, get a job, spend the next nine months pregnant and have a little mixed baby as an accident.”
He says, “A painful choice.”
An understatement at best, but what can be said for it all anyway? I have to do what I have to do or suffer the consequences of not doing, which is making a choice if not making an action.
“I'm not a happy camper,” I say dully, “In addition, I'm actually dealing with pregnancy symptoms and I'm only at three weeks. I've felt like shit for the past two weeks, and at best have felt "odd" for the past three. I can barely eat, or walk. Standing makes me sweat bullets. Climbing the stairs makes me dizzy. The only thing that could make this worse is Crusifer dumping me over it.
“Of course he won't. He's not that type. He's at least a loyal partner, if not the most understanding. He'd stick with me even if I kept it, but that's only an option if I want to raise another buffalo hoodlum in public schools while I work some shit-face job.”
“What am I supposed to feel, other than sympathy? I suppose I could be disappointed. I guess I am,” he says.
“I donno. I didn't really think about how you'd feel. I'm a little bit busy having a lot of feeling of my own. Join the club. I can't name very many people who are not disappointed in me, and that was before this.”
“You don't have to be concerned about my feelings. I don't want you to be. At least I'm not being judgmental about it. I mean, I could. Hell I could write you off. But. Seems I have just too much compassion to be a nihilist.” he says.
“I'm not sure how much of a difference it makes regardless. All this serves for is notes for the future. Pregnancy sucks. Finances suck. People suck. Life sucks. And now I really believe I'm right about having my first before I'm twenty-five.... If I'm this weak and pitiful at three weeks, imagine me at three months. I'm not trying to go through that as a woman passing her prime.
“Stupid system.
“In the DDP, I could have my baby. But of course, but my little utopia design is about as useless as my childhood stories of barbies with powers...”
“I suppose believing in a utopia is a bit naive,” he says.
“Believing it could be created from this disaster is naive, believing it could exist is having enough ideas to knowledge of your surroundings to know you could make one given the resources. But the resources required is that of the entire planet,” I sigh.
“But a utopia is a place that cannot exist,” he counters.
“In simple terms, of course not. Everyone can't be happy all of the time. Everyone can't have the perfect life. Every trauma can't be prevented. But we could do at least fifty times better than we are doing now,” I say.
“But that doesn't make life any less worth living. Everything in life is about effort. The more you put into it, the more you're rewarded,” he says.
“Where is the living part of life when you have no pride in your self, your race, your community, your family, your country or your planet?”
“I have pride for those things,” he says. I scoff. “Well, no not really,” he admits. “I have pride for myself. And that's what's important.”
“I can only ever have pride within one household, and that's the best I can expect, and even that is a long haul of slave labor,” I say bitterly.
“You worry too much about things you can't control,” he says, a valid counterpoint.
“I wouldn't say I worry about them. Today I stopped to smell a rose, literally. I have three roses blooming in my front yard. It smelled good and I leaned in to smell it some more. I looked up, startled by a noise, and almost peed myself when a construction machine nearly tore up the bushes while it made a three point turn to turn around. It's just another display of how dirty, restless, and lacking peace our world is. Moral of that short story? You can't even stop to smell the roses anymore.”
“Maybe not where you are,” he says, making another valid counterpoint.
“Well guess what, unless you want to rush, rush, rush all day at work, through traffic or land a bunch of money in a freak accident, you can't afford to live in a place where you could smell the roses, defeating the entire purpose,” I say.
Tears. Calm. Tears. Calm. Tears. Calm. Tears, calm. Tears, calm. Tears and then calm again. It’s been like this since Sunday. I’m more moody than a cat chasing cat nip. I feel calm again at the moment. I’ll use this calm to color.









Wednesday, October, 8th 2008 at 9:04pm

Shit, as soon as I sit up to write my head starts hurting. I’ll be feeling like this for another eight days before I get the abortion. I’m desolate...
I'm not sure I can face my father after what he did/said last night... I've only spoken to Crusifer about it... And so far I can't seem to write about it...

2008-10-08 20:32:06 Unexpected comment from Tater

Of course I will always support you in what you choose to do and I am adamantly pro-choice, but being that I am currently pregnant right now (and I love it, but then again we planned this..you didn't) I really hope you decide to have this baby. Maybe that is stupid advice. I think once everyone got used to the idea (your parents, etc.) you would feel better about things. I can tell you really, really don't want to have an abortion..and if that is the case..don't do it. You can apply for government assistance (there is no shame in that) or at least apply for WIC...Once again, it is totally up to you..I support whatever you choose to do. Have you told Crusifer you think you are pregnant? What does he say? Keep me posted!


Tater,
I’m speechless. I never guessed that anybody would tell me it was a good idea to keep it... Christ, just thinking about the fact that I still have the choice is painful. I made the appointment for the abortion next week, eight days from now.
I have no shame in applying for government assistance, but my father works for social services and he has plenty of shame in me doing that to go around. He made his point clear when I thought I was pregnant last year that he would kick me out if I was pregnant.
And after what happened last night... I don’t doubt that is the slightest. Between thinking about the abortion and thinking about what my father said to me... I can barely keep myself from jumping out the window... I suppose it’s time I spill the beans with this...
Last night, like many nights, I went into my bathroom, and it smelled so completely like cigarette smoke that I dashed right back out, coughing and stumbling from dizziness. In all situations it always gives me a headache, makes me feel a bit dizzy and often makes me cough, but in my current situation, it’s triple fold.
As you have probably guessed, my father (it’s hard to refer to him is that...) doesn’t know I’m pregnant. He doesn’t know I plan to get an abortion next week. But he does know that I have a hard time with cigarette smoke. I was angry that he didn’t care about that, that he wouldn’t respect my lungs, my air and my feelings.
I was to head out to pick up Crusifer soon, so I decided that on my way I’d make a sign and hang it on the bathroom door. It went along the following lines;
“Please smoke outside or quit. I’m sick of leaving my bathroom in a coughing fit or a dizzy spell. If you can’t respect your lungs enough to quit, then respect mine enough to smoke outside. From the only person in this house who cares about their health above all else.”
I taped it to the bathroom door and went back downstairs. I wanted to leave to go pick up Crusifer right away, but it wasn’t time yet and I didn’t want to hang around there for an extra fifteen minutes so I sat back down at my mom’s computer, thinking momentarily that I might look at some friend’s blog.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and thought, “must be he read it and now wants to talk to me about it,” which was half expected...
Odd, someone is on my steps right now. Sounds like mom. It’s too slow to be anyone else. Wonder what she wants...

Wednesday, October, 8th 2008 at 10:01pm

Mom brought me the cordless house phone because I loaned Crusifer my cell phone for the day, suspecting he might need it since he’s gone to another tattoo shop to learn about some other styles of tattooing for the day. He was only supposed to be there for several hours, but of course he’s still there now. Turns out he called the home phone, and my mom picked up, and he told her that he didn’t know when he would be needing a ride...
This makes me so mad. I just called him, and he has no intention of coming home any time soon. I said, “I’m over a month pregnant with your child, and my dad has pretty much disowned me, and I feel like complete shit–”
“Yeah, but you’re not keeping it though,” he argues.
“But do you have any idea what I’m about to go through? What I’m going through right now?”
“You know what, fine, be like that,” and then he hangs up.
What, I’m be irrational? I’m just supposed to live out my days completely alone, aren’t I? Nothing to look forward to at all! Nobody I can count on! Nothing I can count on! My head is completely scrambled. It feels like someone took my brain out and cooked it for a bit and shoved it back in.
Sympathy? I mean, I don’t need to be coddled, but a few kind words would be nice from a fucking “fiancé.” My whole body is like clay... Wobbly, sensitive and too easy to hurt. I can barely even hold my arms up to type, and he never cares. He never cares...
I can’t keep his baby, because he doesn’t even care about me, so how could he care about a family? I can see a little baby in my mind... Looking just like him... So cute, soft and helpless... I might as well give up on ever having a family. It’s clearly not happening any time soon, not at this rate. I’ll be thirty before that happens...
I don’t want to be an old mother. Not that thirty is old, but by the time they’re ten, I’d be forty, and if I had more kids... If I could even handle having more kids at that age. Why do I believe that I will get weaker? It’s hard not to believe that I’ll become weaker...
I wish Crusifer cared about me. I wish we were married. I wish we had enough money to raise a child properly. I wish I wasn’t so weak. I wish I had a closer family. I wish I could keep this baby with a clear conscience. I wish I could call him right now and that he would pick up an apologize, or that he would call be back... But he won’t.
How do I wrap my head around the fact that none of that stuff if going to happen? I’m becoming such a conformist that it disgusts me to my marrow. I’m just a pitiful little runt in this world of conformity. A dirty runt at that.
What can I possibly do with myself now? I can’t remember the last time I was so disinterested in everything... Perhaps I felt this way when Jeremy left me. No, that was worse, because my chest hurt at every moment then. Though now and again, it twinges now.
My face is so hot it’s as though I have a fever.
11:30pm... He’s not home yet, nor has he called back. I called once, and he didn’t answer. I’m not sure if this is love anymore.

Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 7:01pm

Crusifer called me at two in the morning. I picked him up. He didn’t thank me for getting out of bed and getting dressed and coming to pick him up. He didn’t kiss me or tell me that he missed me. He didn’t touch me. What he did do is drive home like a maniac, tell me I was being a bitch, and later on that I was “nothing but a nigga.”
You can imagine the flow of epithets from there I imagine, but I quickly dissolved into a familiar cold, calm demeanor. I set my jaw, I tighten my lips, I clench my fists, and I refuse to give answer to his insults. I hold back the tears, block out my thoughts, and get out of bed. I rummage through his things, find my phone, tell him not to touch me, and disappear down the stairs.
I call an old friend. I’m considering running away, seeing if anyone has any revelations while I’m gone. Only problem is, I have to wait for my abortion, next Thursday. Who knows if Crusifer will be there for me or not, but if not, then I’ll have no reason to stay, and no reason to tell him where I’m going.
He’s not here today, of course. Early this morning El arrived and he left down the stairs. At noon his boss called and said he needed to come to work. I stuck my head out the window where I could hear El’s loud voice chatting away (with the window closed) and called down to Crusifer that he had to go to work.
Surprise, surprise. He spends his day at another tattoo shop learning from other tattoo artists. He doesn’t come home until two in the morning, and then what-do-you-know, that turns into his day off and this becomes a work day. Again, putting off any and all plans and promises to me in favor of his job.
I’m disgusted with what this pregnancy is doing to me. I can’t lay back and be happy and say, “I’m having a baby.” All I can so is lay back and clutch my stomach and say, “I’m having an abortion, and I’ve felt like shit for weeks and will continue to feel like shit.” If the physical pain wasn’t enough, I needed truck loads of emotional pain to add to it, right?

Letter to a someone:
My mom has also had one abortion in her life. She didn't tell me the details...
If I were twenty-two (just a few months over a two year difference from my age now) and if I had a job and lived with supporting friends and if the father said to me, "I'll support you either way," then I probably would keep it. But there is pressure on all sides not to keep it, and I'm literally terrified of what would happen to my relationships with everyone I know if I did keep it, especially my parents and Crusifer. What makes it so difficult is that I've been thinking about nothing but having a baby for over two years now. It has consumed my thoughts...
I'm having another episode right now... I don't know what else to call it. My head starts pounding, and then I get really hot and cold at the same time, my stomach shrinks into a knot, and I start panting and then crying... I can't believe it's normal to be like this at one month. I'm breaking out along the hair line of my face... Which is completely unusual for me, I have not had a break out this bad since I was fourteen. (five years ago...)
I'm being summoned. Thanks for writing me. I need all the distraction, support and love I can get.




Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 10:04pm

I swear if I had a loaded gun right now it would be tough not to kill myself. If I was a strong, happy, capable person... I might break up with Crusifer, move out, and go to college. Or I might somehow make things work with him and keep this baby. Or I might just kill myself anyway.
I’m not strong, I’m literally frail and pitiful. I’m not happy, I’m literally spending more time crying than doing anything other than sleeping. I’m not capable of doing anything but failing and looking like an idiot, clearly.
I’m either coming down with a serious yeast infection, or something else even worse. I swear I want out. I want out of everything. I’m in that deadly calm state again. I’m slowly closing myself in again, like I did when I was with Tre. I swore to myself I’d never let it happen again. I was just too naive to believe this would happen with Crusifer.
I’m naive on top of it all.

Thursday, October, 9th 2008 at 11:33pm

I wish I could have shot myself earlier, so I wouldn’t have to deal with Crusifer walking out on me. No comfort, no kisses, no fucking love. I’m nothing but a sex bag to him, why did I ever delude myself?



























Friday, October, 10th 2008 at 4:13pm

So I write Tyra again, because, hey, why not?

Please show Tyra this story! I watch every episode of the Tyra Show and I think this information would really astound and interest Tyra!!!
I just watched the episode about how losing weight can cause difficulties between friends or family. The sister that lost weight said she did it at the gym, and it wasn't working for the other sister. I completely identify with this story. I tried to lose weight by working out for years, and it never worked. I continually gained weight since I was born, even after I stopped growing in height, meaning that when I reached 5'6 to begin with I was 120lbs, but two years later, I was 153lbs. I tried eating less and walking every day and that didn't help. I was worried because one of my brother's is overweight and diabetic.
I didn’t get the push to really do something about my health problems however until I started getting stomach aches every morning. These were not just ordinary stomach aches. I would roll into a ball and cry they were so bad. In addition I began to burp all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean thirty times in a minute. It made it hard to talk or to be around people. I had not only my weight to be embarrassed about, but constant smelly burps.
I went to see a doctor, and they didn’t know what was wrong with me, and that really upset me. I became miserable and started seeking help online. I researched “constant burping” and other similar phrases and I found sites where people had these problems for years with no help. But then, I found a site that had all the answers.
I followed the site’s advice strictly and I lost thirty pounds, the first ten pounds in the first week, the second ten pounds in the following three weeks, and the last ten pounds in the month after that. As long as I continue the easy change, I keep the weight off. The burps are gone, and so are the stomach aches. The most amazing part? I never exercised one bit. I didn’t walk more, I didn’t go the gym. I literally sat around drawing, writing, reading and playing video games and lost weight.
I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t eat nasty diet pills or special foods. Everything I eat can be found in a normal grocery store, just like all the junk I was eating before. It really is all in your food. What you eat can make you thin or fat, depending on what it is, that’s what I learned. Exercise only adds muscle, which in some cases will reduce fat, but it’s never permanent if you’re still eating the same bad foods.
I’m perfectly willing to share the simple steps with everyone in the world. I’ve actually helped several other people online and in person. I enjoy helping people with their health. I’d like to come on your show and talk about it. It would be awesome to invite people who have had similar problems, especially the odd burping problem, and talk to them directly and analyze what they’re eating now and what they should be eating.
Thank you for reading!








Saturday, October, 11th 2008 at 2:17pm

I’m slowly getting out of the bed. I spent nearly a week in it. I’m feeling better physically. Perhaps I’ve begun to adjust to being pregnant, or at least this phase of it. Thankfully I won’t be getting past this phase of it. Can’t be happy about being pregnant when Crusifer says things like, “Now that the lovy-dovy shit is over, you need to get a job and pay for your own shit.”
Any guy who won’t pay sixty dollars a week on groceries for his woman doesn’t deserve any woman at all. I understand, let’s say, if he’s working a job where he can’t possibly afford it, but when he’s bitching about only putting one hundred to two hundred in savings every week...
I swear... (This is the part where I grit my teeth, clench my fists and shake my head because there is nothing that can express my outrage.) When I’m going through being pregnant, going through having to get an abortion, going through my father completely disregarding me as a human, when I have nobody else to turn to, he wants to tell me to go pay for my own shit because he wants a new wardrobe or something.
He’s saying these things on top of separating himself from me physically. I feel so bereft of affection and love. He won’t spare me a kind word or touch, and when he does, it comes as a mock after an hour of belittling, ranting and accusing me of sucking in every aspect. If I suck so much, then why is still here?
I don’t want him to go. I’m not ready for that yet, but seeing him hurts me. We have not gone one day without arguing in probably a month. My chest has started to hurt regularly... Like it felt back when things between Jeremy and I got rocky... I think I felt this way with Tre, but it’s hard to say when I can’t remember most of it, and chose not to remember the rest.
...Whoa I just blanked out there for five minutes or so. I’m thinking of getting out of the house via the car today. Why not? I can drive. Strange, the longer I sit here the more I don’t want to do anything. It’s something about this dimly lit, stuffy, overly warm room... It just saps the energy away... What a pitiful excuse. My room is sapping my energy! More like, I feel drained and alone because I can’t seem to handle my body, my relationship, my family, and life in general.
I’ve been so down I’ve smoked some weed with Crusifer a couple of times. Unlike me to do that anymore. I don’t feel like I can change my mind about keeping it anymore, not when I’ve spent all this time living in misery, smoking... Not things I would do while pregnant with a baby I was keeping... I just can’t see it anymore. I can’t see Crusifer being the father anymore... And it burns my soul to bits to know that it will never be...
All my dreams and hopes just washed down the drain, just like that... Just gone. I can’t keep a baby that is made of false dreams, it’s unfair to them. He or she would grow up much harder than I did, in a house with feuding parents and no money... Maybe originally the spirits thought that if I got pregnant it would make things better, but instead it’s tearing us apart. Or maybe it was supposed to tear us apart to make room for something else?
I wish I could do something other than give up! But what can I do with a man who thinks groceries is too much to spend on me? What can I do with a man who cares more about having sex with me than talking to me? It’s just completely hopeless. I’m just to weak to walk away.






Saturday, October, 11th 2008 at 11:10pm

What a day I’ve had. I’m not sure how productive it was, but... It was a day. I met some of Matt’s college friends, including Ashley. It’s Chris’s birthday today and Chris is Matt’s best friend, so of course they we’re hanging out. We all went to the movies and say a movie called “religious” only it was either spelled differently, or included capitals or was just pronounced funny, I forget. It was a documentary, and also a very one-sided film. Though I agree with that side, so heck.
Killing in the name of god is hypocritical and illogical and insane. Killing is all of things, without being in the name of god anyway, but using god as an excuse is just lame. This was one of the key points in the documentary.
Before we watched the movie, we were walking around Elmwood, and I got cold. Ashley let me wear her jacket, which had her keys, and we ended up at the theater before we realized this, so we had to drive back, but I didn’t want to drive back, and complained, and Matt offered to drive. I looked at him cross-wise and considered that, and he offered, “if you’re uncomfortable we can pull over and let you drive.” I gave in.
We got back to the theater without incident, or so we thought. We watched the movie. (Also before this Crusifer ate lunch with me, but insisted it had to be out of my wallet.) And then, afterwards we discussed it a bit. I argued that it could have been better, and Chris said that it was very one sided, and I don’t recall Matt saying his opinion, though I’m sure he stated it at some point. Ashley said we should hang out again before she left.
We got to the car and I made a very unfortunate observation: Matt left the headlights on. And when I went to start the car, it would not start. Matt called his Dad, I called my brother (scared to call my mom.) My brother didn’t sound like much help, but Matt’s Dad got in contact with Matt’s brother in law, who was a lot of help. He showed up, and attempted to get the car running with his jumper cables.
(We also tried talking to random people, and the Regal security and such, none of them had jumper cables.) It still wouldn’t start. Matt’s brother in law, Bryan, said he’d never seen that before. They looked like they we’re going to give up, so I had no choice but to call Mom. She informed me that we had jumper cables in our car and that they were in a little black bag, and indeed we did, and these ones were newer and more powerful and allowed the car to start at last.
By then it was ten-thirty, so we went back to the cardshop beside the tattoo shop. Both were closed, even though it was before time for the tattoo shop. I was skeptical, because I assumed they would be there later than usual, not leave sooner than usual, which almost never happens. I banged on the door just in case, with no luck. I noticed someone going into the house next door, and the guy happened to be a friend of Frankie, who is a friend of Crusifer.
The guy called Frankie, and Frankie informed this guy that Crusifer had been there but left about five minutes ago. That could only mean that Crusifer had gotten out of work, went and said hi to Frankie and then either decided to go out or to go home. It sounded like he went out by the way it was worded. I hung around for another couple of minutes, scanning the sidewalks and general area, peered into the tattoo shop again, and at five minutes to eleven I gave up and came home.
Now it’s 11:25pm. Crusifer, of course, isn’t here. What else is new? I feel gloomier than ever about our relationship, to the point where I can honestly say I don’t expect us to get married. He doesn’t behave like a husband, and barely like a boyfriend. Though I hate to admit it, but I brightened up a lot when Crusifer said to me today, “we’ll keep it next time, okay?” That shouldn’t cheer me up, but for some reason I felt really good when he said it. Completely emotional reaction, with no real logic, right?

2008-10-13 23:27:34 Tater says:

I think it's good for you to go out and do stuff with new friends. You need the connections to other people and the distraction. Once again, I'm going to say that I truly believe your relationship w/Crusifer is not worth saving anymore...you guys both want too many different things and he (most of the time) is really inconsiderate. I know it is hard to break away from someone, REALLY REALLY hard but I think the time is coming near to where you should ask him to leave. Get through the abortion first, though....then really think about whether you need/want to be in this relationship any longer!


Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 7:55pm

I just had the worst dizziness attack I’ve had since I got pregnant. I literally would have fallen over if I hadn’t had a wall to cling to. I half-crawled, half-walked up the stairs, blind and spinning inside my head, and collapsed on my bed panting. I’m still struggling to stay calm. I feel like crying and going to sleep.
It concerns me how much I don’t want to do anything I usually do at all... I feel like an alien in my own body. An unwanted alien.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 10:21pm

Tater,
That’s the plan. I’m not sure how much different I’m going to feel after going through with the abortion, but I know that at least physically I will feel different, and likely emotionally as well. It’s only a few days away now, but I’m not so much nervous as I am anxious for it to happen, and be over.
I know Crusifer is going through things too, but none of it is an excuse for his actions, and I will most certainly be considering very seriously how long I want and need this to last. I want to start up something entirely new and perhaps a new relationship would solve that, but there is just one tiny problem aside from the fact that it’s not easy to let go...
I don’t want to spend another two years with somebody new just to discover we have the same problems all over again. I’m terrified that if I do this all over again that I’ll be in the exact same place two years from now with nothing better to show for it.
However, if things get any worse then this will soon turn from “unpleasant” and “not ideal” to “impossible” and “unbearable.” If it turns that way, then I’ll be leaving him because he needs to be left, not because I think I’ll find someone better.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 11:07pm

I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with El calling as frequently as he does if it didn’t mean Crusifer disappearing for periods of time without notice, without call, and often coming home “not giving a fuck” or drunk or both. I think of El as another argument every time he calls, every time he shows up. Like a headache that won’t stop coming back.

Monday, October, 13th 2008 at 11:10pm

Some random guy on the internet says, “hey there...how've you been?”
“okay, been better,” I answer.
“why's that?” he asks.
“Well, I really hate my life right now. I want to change it.” I say.
“why do you hate it? what would you like to change?” he asks.
“Pretty much everything...” I answer. “I want space, time and freedom to cook really good, really healthy food. I want access to nature and to be able to go hiking. I want to swim. I want to have a better relationship with my Dad. I want either my relationship with my boyfriend to end or to revive itself.”
“Aww...chin up...all those things are doable with patience and a lot of work on your end.”
“And the "lot of work" is half the problem. I feel like I've been struggling to achieve at least one good thing in my life for years and years, and I just come up empty handed every time,” I complain.
“Well...that may be...but trite though it may sound...very seldom is there anything worth doing in life that doesn't come with a lot of effort.”
“Very true,” I agree.
“Besides...you're young, you're cute, and you're bright by all appearances...you'd be amazed at what any of those things by itself can accomplish.”
“I've tried using quite a bit of it to my advantage, but the biggest problem is finding self satisfaction for me,” I say, with an unheard sigh.
“In what sense?”
“Like, I don't really care about making a lot of money, at all. And I hate working, it makes me feel like I'm wasting my life. I want to be a house wife and make my husband (and down the line, my kids) happy and well taken care of.” I answer, thinking wistfully.
“Well...as john lennon said...life is what happens when you're making other plans... Start living and the plans tend to take care of themselves.”
“Yeah, that's what I've been trying to turn to. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with new friends I just made, and Wednesday I have a “blind date,” if you want to call it that. I'm not going to keep sleeping and crying my days away anymore. I've healed enough to stop doing that.”
“*pats your head*...atta girl”
“But while these activities may help me move forward, they don't ease my anxiety of what I'm trying to do with my life.”
“Hon...I'm about 10 years your senior and I can honestly tell you that if you're anywhere as neurotic as me, you're never going to be completely at ease with your life...at least not for a while...and that's not such a bad thing as long as you use that anxiety to move your life forward.”
“If I don't have kids in the next six years I probably never will, and if I spend the next six years trying to find a good father for them and a good husband for me, then I won't have any back up if I never find one... Trying to be an amazing girlfriend is a full time job, and nobody seems to get that, that's why everyone's relationships suck.”
“To some extent I'd say that's right...but a relationship, while it requires work...shouldn't be viewed as a job. I know you've got these deadlines that you want to meet...but go with the flow a bit...things have an obnoxious way of showing up when you stop looking for them.”
“Sure do. I think our subconscious is better at these things then we are consciously, so when we stop looking, the subconscious is allowed to find things for us. I have a hard time living for the moment.” What I didn’t say was that being in a relationship shouldn’t be viewed as work, and I don’t consider it one, unfortunately most people think that doing the things that makes a relationship successful as being too hard or too time consuming, so they don’t do those things.
Making it work is a series of little considerations, little thoughts, little moments, little conversations and little acts of heroism constantly. Showing up in armor on a pony is romantic one day, but old the next if you’re wasted at a bar drooling over some other girl. I don’t find it hard to do these things at all, but when I get less than half of it back I feel like I’m wasting my time and my love, and then it starts to really hurt.
“There ya go. *pats your head*... I know the feeling...but it's the only time that you should be living in...plan for the future...remember the past, but live in the now.”
“I feel so lost right now because I can't come up with any future plans,” I say.
“Those can be tough, don't worry yourself sick about it though.”
“I'm not used to having no plans,” I say, “...I think I should go take a nice hot bath and grab some dinner. I might be back online later.”