It is 6:19pm at the moment.
I’m half-way through listening to a physic reading I had done for me two years ago where much of what was told to me came true. She gave me the tape, and I intended to listen to it again soon, but never did, until today. Because it was two years ago, you would think it would have lost it’s relevancy, but it hasn’t. One thing that I remember her saying that it hasn’t even gotten to yet is me getting into retail a certain time, which was the Mary Kay, which happened just when she said it would, as I remember it.
But before she gets to all of that, she’s telling me that I’m the sort of person who can make a statement about what I want, and then work towards it, and then get it. That’s a very powerful thing to say to a person. She tells me that by doubting myself, and thinking about the negative, and the aspects holding me back, that I’m adding to the energy that is holding me back.
Make a statement. My boyfriend and I are getting married and I’m getting pregnant with his baby within 2008. I’m going to finish the attic, I’m going to edit and submit his art as flash to liquid skin, and they are going to accept his art, and he’s going to get paid enough for it to cover our growing expenses. Working with his art will be my full-time job, up until I share that responsibility with that of having a baby.
Saturday the 5th of January, 2008.
It is 9:24pm at the moment.
My readers know me. How can you not know me if you read this blog? I describe everything about my life, at one time or another. Anybody who has read this entire blog could tell you most everything about me. But my readers, that being you, also know that I write in the heat of the moment. I write things that I feel right then. And we all feel things for periods of time that are not always accurate.
I hated Jeremy when I first met him. He disgusted me. And then, four or five months after we met, I fell in love with him, dated him on and off for a year, and then completely for another year. Jeremy was one of the best things to ever happen to me. He taught me the value of being a lady, and respecting myself, and laughing at myself, and being myself while still blending in. If I had written back then like I do now, I would have written an entry about how disgusting he was, about how his jokes were lame, how he was twisted and ugly. I would have written very nasty things, and I would have been wrong and shallow.
When I met Tre I thought he was romantic, understanding, kind-hearted and loving. Looks can be so deceiving, but they’re so hard to ignore. Tre did have a spark of romance to him (like heating my towel in the dryer) but only a spark. Most of what I saw in Tre I saw because of his long dreads and chiseled body. It was, again, a shallow first impression, that was hard to erase. Believing that he is or was a thief is still sometimes difficult for me. I never wanted to believe something like that of someone I loved. But the fact of the matter is, things stopped disappearing when he disappeared.
On top of all of that, I’m a nervous person. I get nervous about everything. Especially work. I was scared shitless when C hired me. In fact, I was scared most of the time I worked for C, scared of making a mistake, of being fired, of not being good enough. True, I was never scared that he was a pedophile, but he was married and has two kids.
Arrinn really is a lonely puppy in some ways though. I still stick with that part of what I wrote. But he has to be legit. I should have never really doubted his legitimacy. I think Saundra was putting too many ideas in my head. She amplified my nervousness through the roof. She was the one who questioned how legitimate he was technically. I just thought that perhaps she was right.
I guess Scott isn’t actually being fired. I don’t know what the whole story with Scott is. Perhaps it’s not relevant, but I get good vibes from Scott. He seems like an easy-going, well-meaning guy. (Perhaps another shallow judgement based on the fact that he’s almost hot for a white guy.)
Though I think the biggest relief to my apprehension is that Aaron admitted he liked me today. He told me that he’s attracted to me, and thought that I might be too. (I do have a flirty look to me sometimes unintentionally.) And the fact that he was a 180-turnaround on his behavior towards me after that made me feel better. I don’t have a problem with being around a guy I know likes me, after all, I can handle being around Will. What bothers me is when I’m not sure if they understand that I’m not interested. Now that I know that he knows, it’s a lot more comfortable.
Not to mention the photography was fun today. I’m going to be uploading photos to my computer either tonight or Monday. Perhaps even tomorrow, depending on what My boyfriend is doing.
Mom is right about giving things some time. And she’s had a good feeling about it from the beginning. *sigh* How come Mom is always right? I mean, I suppose she isn’t quite always right, but every time I discover that I’m wrong, it seems like she was right. So I suppose she seems to be right about so much just because she turns out to be right when I’m wrong. There are plenty of things her and I disagree about though. Mom was amused to discover that Dad and My boyfriend both seem to think I’m brainwashed by her, and that the men of the house feel that I believe everything Mom says. Mom laughed actually, because she knows how often I argue with her about things, and tell her how I think things should be. We just tend to ally up in conversations because when it comes to important stuff, we do usually agree.
Mom came over as well as Dad today. They met Aaron. Saundra quit today and left me all of her contacts to follow up on about the extras casting and modeling. So now I have a place to really start on everything. Another thing that was good about today is that the make-up and hair person, Lisa, was very interesting. Her and I got along very well. She’s into herbs, healings, spiritualism, etc. So it was cool to talk to her about that stuff.
I had a good day, in other words. I actually didn’t miss My boyfriend as much for once. I was so occupied with focusing on the models and getting them to pose in the best ways that I actually broke out of my normal chain of thoughts. Another thing Mom was right about. Having a job that uses my abilities will help how displaced I feel over not having a family and household to run. People need work. Not a career necessarily, but something they can work at, think about, use their abilities on, come to conclusions with, act on, and get a result from. That result can be pride, it can be money, it can be happiness, it can be satisfaction, or all of the above. I’ve experienced so much where I put in everything just to feel none of those as a result that I recoil from a lot.
I’m just scared. Committing to man is easy for me, but committing to work is hard for me. I don’t want to let myself attach to just anything, but oh how I attach! But I’m glad I didn’t bail after one day. I feel like a broke through a barrier within myself today. Perhaps only to meet another barrier a few feet back, but progress nonetheless. I suppose part of my fear is the loss of my dependance. I like to feel like I answer to My boyfriend, and that he is my sole commander. Odd for me, when I’m otherwise so independent, and so free-thinking. Maybe I need to learn to keep my submissive side in the bedroom, and out of our relationship as a whole? My independent-dependant, aggressive-submissive actions might be confusing and hard to deal with for My boyfriend. *sigh*
Sometimes I just feel like my world was collapsing. But it’s really not. It’s just changing. I’m still upset about the changes that have occurred with My boyfriend, but I suppose that’s all the more reason for me to be independent, occupied, and paid. And Aaron isn’t a creep. I take that back. He seems like a creep because of a few expression quirks he has. Just like Will has some quirks that make him seem like a total dork sometimes. I wonder what I look like to everyone else?
Well, what else can I say about all of that? Tons, come to think of it, but I really should upload those pictures now so that I don’t have to do it later. I’m so emotional sometimes that I want to kick myself. But at the same time, some part of me likes feeling all of those feelings. Maybe that’s my spirit rejoicing that I’m learning so much through all of my fits and bouts and tantrums.
Being skeptical is being smart. So I’ll continue to watch my back and be skeptical. And I suppose I’m doomed to more bad first-impressions. But first-impressions really don’t last forever. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Hm, I just blinked.
1 comment:
My kitty came back! Now she is sleeping on the couch like a slump ha
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