Monday the 17th of December, 2007.
It is 7:54pm at the moment.
That went well. Not. This document is now password protected because of what I’m about to write, and obviously will not be posted on the internet until at least December 20th, if ever. This is because I’ve been planning on proposing to My boyfriend on December 20th, our one-year anniversary. I’ve been planning on doing this for over a month, in fact, almost two months. I’ve had the ring and a necklace for a month now. I have them sitting here in my desk.
Mom knows about it, and so does Tina, Will, and a bunch of other people I couldn’t resist telling. My mom and Tina have even seen the ring. It’s so perfect for him, that is, if it fits. And if it doesn’t, perhaps it’s a hint? I stopped questioning my decision so much towards the beginning of December, and just a few days ago I had no doubt that this is what I wanted.
Now I feel completely desolate. I feel like he only spends time with me if he’s fucking me. And then he’s off to somewhere else – if not out of the house, then into sleep. There has been perhaps one occasion in months that he’s actually talked to me afterwards. And only a hand-full of times he’s curled up with me afterwards. He’ll argue that this is my fault, because I tend want to get cleaned up before cuddling. Which takes all of five-fucking-minutes. But by the time I’m done washing up, he’ll be either getting dressed or fast asleep, or even sitting on the bed looking pointedly annoyed.
For a while there things really seemed to be getting better. I thought I was making a break-through with him. Just like I thought so many times with Tre. But perhaps I mistake good acting for improvement? I know that was mostly the case with Tre. His "improvements" lapsed into the same old shit in the wink of an eye, time and time again. My fear of that happening again is almost as strong as it was when I first met My boyfriend.
It’s so useless to recite the exact arguments. We’ve had them before after all.
"Heaven forbid I play some music!" He’ll say. Funny that he got "heaven forbid" from me. At least, I think he did. I know I got that from Mom years ago.
"We’ve been through this," I say dismally, since it’s so beyond the point in this case. It’s about the fact that I can’t do anything with El here. I can’t read, can’t write, can’t talk to My boyfriend, can’t blasted think about anything but what they’re talking about.
All they talk about is sports (biking, skate-boarding and such), bitches (mostly that they know on myspace and in person) and their assets, music (gangster rap and death metal), drugs and parties.
Seriously, like I want to discuss those things. I didn’t originally think that El was going to be a problem. In fact, since El brought us together in the first place, both My boyfriend and I felt like we owed him something. I’m long since over that naive notion.
I don’t want to come between El and My boyfriend. But what can I do? As I’ve said, over and over, My boyfriend works sixty hours a week. He’s only got one day off. And I feel bad, because he spent a portion of the time he was out shopping for me. But damn, he spent a total of ten hours out, and four of them were devoted to parting, and outside of those four hours, he drank a Tilt, and came home bitching at me about nothing. And when I got defensive, he blamed it on me.
This morning he told me he called the day off, and that he wanted to spend some time with me. He ate me out for a short while, and since it wasn’t working so well for me (it never does in the morning) he fucked me. He came, I didn’t, and I didn’t care because I was going to be with my babe after all. Since I wasn’t with him yesterday.
Then he tells me he won’t be gone long. Famous last words. But I accepted this graciously because after all, look how close it is to Christmas. If he wants to shop for me, how can I say no? He says he doesn’t want to do it alone, so he brings El along. I have to question how they can say they never spend time together when they spent all yesterday and now all today together! The nerve.
He’s my boyfriend. I’m the one who’s doing his laundry, his dishes, his hair, and holding him at night. I’m the one who sees him when he’s in a mood, who gets vented at. And you know what? I accept that on the basis that I get some fucking attention and love in return.
Anyway, so he left out of here today at 3:00pm, got back here at 6:30pm with El. El stayed here for the last hour, and now they’ve left again because I "was being a brat" as My boyfriend might say.
So how can I propose to him this Thursday?
Tuesday the 18th of December, 2007.
It is 5:40pm at the moment.
Then he left again with El at 7:00pm, came back with El and Ivan at 7:30pm, they stayed until 10:30pm, and in the meantime Angel showed up at well. What a not fun night, eh? The whole time asking myself, am I really going to propose to him as planned?
The answer is: Yes. Why? Because I’d much rather deal with My boyfriend’s issues than with Tre’s, or with Will’s, or with Jeremy’s or with Ronnie’s or with any of the issues of any of the guys I’ve ever dated. I’d take My boyfriend over any of my exs in a heart-beat. Shit, I’d take My boyfriend over having Jeremy and Tre at once, both fawning over me. That is how much more My boyfriend means to me.
Yeah, so My boyfriend is insecure. At least he’s not a thief. At least he has a job. At least he has ethic. At least he’s clean and neat. He also has talent. He’s not an average Joe; he thinks outside the box, even if half the time he’s only sitting on top of it rather than inside it, and then thinks he’s far, far, far away from "the box".
He loves saying "but let’s get down to the nitty-gritty" when from my perspective I feel like I was, and that he was only scratching the surface. But I might be biased since I am after all inside my own head. And he, is of course, inside his.
I’m going to propose to him. Yep, I am. I wonder what he intends to give me for our anniversary? And I wonder when he plans on wrapping anything? He claims he can wrap a gift, but I’ve yet to see it done. Though the one gift Jeremy wrapped for me was done completely without experience, and it was done very well. I still have the box, as well as what was in it (aside from the chocolates).
Wednesday the 19th of December, 2007.
It is 9:47pm at the moment.
I’m trying really hard not to cry right now. I’ve spent the last hour or two cleaning off the card table, gathering wrapping papers, ribbons, bows, "to & from tags" as well as boxes, bags, tissue papers, scissors, tape and more all onto this table. Really, more like around the table so that there is actually room to wrap on it. And what’s more, the table is right near the room where everything is stashed. And what’s he do? He grabs two wrapping paper rolls on his way through and plops them on the little coffee table in our attic apartment.
I’m so confused by this and I inquire as to what he’s doing. All he does is explode at me about how he doesn’t need my help. Insecure much? I’d rather he not wrap a god-damned thing than yell at me about the effort I’ve put in to help him. And what’s he doing now? Watching TV I think! For goodness sakes, what am I supposed to do? Fuck me for ever trying to do anything. But if I don’t do anything than I’m lazy and perhaps even accused of being useless!
Sometimes I wish someone would just shoot me.
What will married life with My boyfriend bring? I can already see the beginnings of further neglect. Not notice of what I spent my day doing. No notice of my effort. No notice of my consideration. I feel like I’m drowning in fear, and verging on disappointment. The TV making things only worse. It makes it harder to open conversation. It makes it easier to stay emotionally strung close to breaking point.
What does he expect? I feel so helpless sometimes. I want something different than what my parents have. Am I succeeding, or falling into the same trap after all?
Saturday the 22th of December, 2007.
It is 11:48am at the moment.
I proposed to him on our anniversary two days ago. He accepted happily. I knew things would improve if I did this, but I guess I might have knew wrong. I’m afraid at the moment that it might push us apart rather than bring us together.
My boyfriend may just be upset about other things right now, but I find it hard to believe when he didn’t touch me at all the entire night. This is highly unusual of him. I had to tell myself "you’re making moutains out of mole hills," over and over and over again to force myself to sleep instead of cry.
I’ve asked him about four times now what’s wrong. He says "nothing." From my experience nothing is often actually more than something. He’s never like this except for when he’s extremely upset, or extremely angry.
No response, no touch, no talk... Not even looking at me. Perhaps I might read what it is in his eyes? Perhaps if he touched me right now it would be too painful for him? Perhaps his touch might make me spoiled? I don’t know what he’s thinking. It could be anything!
Is he worried about me being pregnant? Is it because his Mom made an ass of herself and him at his work yesterday? Is it because he’s scared to be tied down with me? (Hasn’t he always been that though?) Did I say something wrong? Dare it be sex – I tried to have sex with him last night!
Come to think of it, that’s when he stopped smiling. I got frustrated, because I had been touching him, attempting to pull his clothes off and smothering him with kisses for ten minutes. I had taken my panties off. I obviously wanted to have sex. But he was unresponsive. A touch here and there, and then he laid down, with his clothes still on.
At this point I became disheartened to the idea, but kept at it for about two more minutes before I said, "I don’t get you. You always want to get laid, but won’t put in your own two cents for it."
He replied, "Then I guess I won’t get laid." He rolled over and didn’t speak to me again. Come on that can’t be all he’s upset about! How can someone wake up upset still? It’s hard for me to do that. If he’s really trying to hold a grudge against me for that, then I don’t know what to think anymore.
I told myself I wanted to marry him despite the arguments, the days where we’d yell at each other, and the late nights with no calls. I said to myself, "After all, I’d rather have his problems than Jeremy’s or Tre’s, or any other ex’s problems, or any other man’s problem’s in general!"
But what are his problems? At the root of it, what am I really dealing with? Is it that he’s insecure, or is it more than just that? (As if anything is ever just anything!) At the rate I’ve been going since I was nine I ought to have cancer by now. I wish death on myself at least once a week. Then again I follow it by saying: I don’t want to die of cancer, please, please, please, do NOT let me get cancer!
I’m thinking more along the lines of a bullet to the head, but then there are the people in my life that I don’t want hurt that way. My Mom, my Dad, Aunt Mary, of course My boyfriend. What a terrible thing to do to them to be dead. So I don’t really want to be dead, I just want all of the issues to disappear, and on that note, I’m in the same boat as everyone else in the world, eh?
But what to do? I’m going to be miserable all day now. All he’s said to me this morning was, "Sorry babe, you’ll have to get me a smaller ring." Perhaps that is what he’s upset about? The ring being too big to fit him right – even though it sticks on his knuckle. Perhaps his fingers are not meant for rings. With such thin fingers and such bony knuckles. I like them that way, so what should I do? Get him a bracelet? And should I be considering any of that when he’s "ignoring" me.
Though he’s not ignoring me of course. He’ll answer if I probe him enough. Really he’s just being neglectful and uncaring I suppose you could say.
Drat! I sat down to record my dream, and now all I’ve done is rant about how sad I am this morning. I had a dream that I met Ayian. In my dream she looked like a cross between Marie and her own photos. Not the best mix, but still beautiful. But I couldn’t have her. Her boyfriend was there, and her boyfriend’s brother. Who knows if her boyfriend even has a brother, or if she has a man at the moment. My parent’s were there too, and we were at someone’s relative’s house. My boyfriend was with me, but like in most dreams I have, he didn’t play a significant role. The only thing he said in the dream was when I invited Ayian to lay between us, he said "why?"
At this point in the dream I’m very confused. Not just by his statement, but by Ayian’s poised smile that never stops. By the darkness in the room, by the location, by the smallness of the bed, by how ridged and quiet My boyfriend is. What is happening?
Forget the damn dream. My boyfriend must freaking hate me right now. I will not cry. I will not cry! I will not, I will not. I will not! Let him leave without saying goodbye, without telling me he loves me. Let him tell me to shut up. Let him make me question my intentions with him. I don’t need to act based upon everything he does. After all, he’s not acting upon my misery – just multiplying it!
I don’t want to do anything. I feel terribly far away from the Christmas spirit. This relationship, as much as I hate the truth, is going the same way as the last one. Maybe not as fast, maybe not as drastically bad, but it’s getting there. Squash my happy attitude, why don’t you? Make me feel like shit in a gutter, why don’t you? Why not! Who the fuck cares about my little, itty-bitty, inconsequential feelings anyway!
Just dump me in the nearest trash. I’m sick of this! Sick of it! Sick of being made to feel like I don’t matter. Sick of being made to hate my own flesh, my own mind! I’m sick of hating myself, sick of crying. I’m supposed to be his partner. I should be working on his career right now by putting together flash sheets for him. (The art tattoo artist’s put on there walls and ask you to choose from.)
I’m supposed to do this so that he can make more money for us, and a possible baby. I don’t think he’s ready for a baby. I feel so ready, I feel past due by two or three years. I’ve wanted one for so long that I’ve been secretly wishing that I was pregnant. Now I’m not so sure. With the way My boyfriend is acting... Perhaps I’ve thought this whole thing the wrong way.
I certainly should not be questioning having a baby or not when I can question marriage or not, relationship or not! But I don’t want to have anybody but him! I’m in the same bind. Things look bleak, and I can’t let go, and I don’t want to let go, and I’m madly in love with him – his body, his mind, his art, his ethic... And yet he sets my emotions on a fucked-up roller-coaster. And yet time and time again I feel like he doesn’t love me, like he doesn’t want this as much as I do, like I’m wasting my time, like all this effort, all this emotion is all for not.
How can I help but cry? That’s what we woman to do anyway, isn’t it? We cry, and cry, and cry some fucking more. We cry for the father who never gave us the attention and approval we wanted. We cry for the man, the next man, and the next who doesn’t appreciate us, who doesn’t care for us, who makes us feel like we’re worthless. We cry for the man who tells us that they can’t fuck up our self-esteem, because it’s self-esteem, as in, it comes from ourselves.
Shaking, shivering, gasping, moaning, leaking from the eyes, the heart, the soul, we cry, and we cry and we cry, they snore right through it. They look past us into the distance. They ignore. They carry their thoughts as their own. Women are doomed to be alone. Other women will be jealous and hateful, will be rude and nasty. Men will always pretend to love, pretend to care, and smash your heart while nobody is looking, not even themselves. They’ll deny it, because they don’t know they’ve done it.
Saturday the 22th of December, 2007.
It is 1:10pm at the moment.
Now that I’ve presented all the evidence of the bad, let’s just mention all of the good, for an equal measure, okay?
I got my first game consol two days ago. A PS2, which I’ve wanted for a while, but told myself that it was "too expensive, not necessary" which is why it was the perfect gift for him to give me. He wrapped it in a dress he bought for me. He used safety pins to hold it on. He included Tecken, and a memory card. How thoughtful!
I’ve been enjoying playing it. I got him a blue hoddie with a skull on it, and a book – Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk, which he’s wanted for a long time. He was very excited when he unwrapped that one.
We made love before opening the presents. I proposed to him before we made love. (He said he wouldn’t accept an engagement ring unless I came on it and left it in my pussy for him to find. He was also very pleased that I followed these instructions.)
PS2, Tecken, Memory Card and Dress for me. Hoddie, Book, Ring, Necklace, and Black Flowers for him. Except for the Hoddie and the Dress, doesn’t that seem a little backwards? Heh, but we are backwards, no denying that.
We cuddled half the night that night, which isn’t unusual for us, we cuddle a lot. He said he wouldn’t mind having a baby with me then... He said he wouldn’t mind it being sooner rather than later, but I guess that was a tentative statement which quickly withdrew in his mind the more he thought about it. Of course this is from the guy (back when I had patches) who tried to take my patch off without me noticing while we were having sex because he was scared of losing me! Does he ever stop being afraid of something? I mean, yeah, there is a lot to be afraid of, but doesn’t do much good to fret about everything.
I hate how he gets to be upset about things, afraid of things, that I ought to be more upset/afraid about. Like my pussy being sore. I’m the one in pain! But I act casual, and perhaps that is what leaves room for him to be upset. I’m the one who has to worry about delivering the baby, about nursing, about being home with them raising them. Only the first of which really scares me. But I’m playing it cool, because why worry? Worrying is useless!
The only thing I can’t help but worry about is My boyfriend. I want this to work out so bad. Damn, I was supposed to write an entire page of good things, and I got caught up again. It’s easier to write about bad things, isn’t it?
He’s beautiful. His art is beautiful. His ideas are beautiful. When he’s not busy being depressed, his words, his thoughts, his actions are beautiful too. The way he’ll touch me, talk to me... And it’s just so heartbreaking how easily he snaps out of his love-daze to be busy worrying about what may or may not be!
I don’t deserve to feel this way. I know I don’t. But what do I do? I have everything I asked for – the person I could relate to, the man I could draw with, someone who was clingy like me, someone who had fantasias like me, someone who had a worth-while hobby... He has so much more potential then other guys I’ve met, and he is what I asked for. He even looks the way I want him to.
I’ll never be able to let go, will I? I can’t let go of him, or my dreams for him... I can’t sit back and be casual about this. I’ve let him in, and I’m connected to everything he does and says, and I want this. But what do I do when he shuts me out? I can’t just be okay with being shut out. I won’t be!
It is 2:45pm at the moment.
IM with Will
Me [12:39 PM]: I hate living. It's terrible.
Will: Life...is life.
Me [12:40 PM]: It makes you happy and then sad, happy and then sad until you're spinning into insanity.
Will: Well, you have to be stronger than life, you know. It's the one we've got, and thus it's precious.
Me: Can anybody be stronger than what they love and hate both?
Will [12:41 PM]: Yes.
Me: We're doomed to become that both what we hate and what we love. And then repeat the process on ourselves.
Will: I suppose some context could help. What's going on?
Me: I don't even know! I may or may not be pregnant. My relationship may or may not be in the gutter. My boyfriend may or may not be angry at me right now. He may or may not be having second thoughts. I may or may not be having second thoughts! I'm writing an entry... It may be more clear - or it may not be.
Will [12:42 PM]: Hm. That's some heavy shit, self-doubt.
Me [12:43 PM]: Yeah. It is. I have this problem. I rely on men, and they are not worth relying on!
Will [12:44 PM]: Maybe your problem is you rely on men who don't think they can rely on you.
Me: For love, for sex, for understanding, for compassion, for affection, for company, for money, for effort.... And yeah, men are terrible at providing any of it. And it doesn't matter how much I prove myself! I'm NOT a fucking liar. I'm NOT going to bail out and leave someone on a whim. I'm not a bitch. I don't complain about bullshit. I don't ask for unreasonable things! So why can't I get this right?
Will [12:45 PM]: *Points at what he last wrote*
Me [12:46 PM]: I know. I was following your string of thought... And fuck holding tears back, if I wanna cry I'm gonna cry. Why don't men get that either? Input "most" before every time I wrote "men".
Will [12:47 PM]: Got it. My string of thought is as follows: Perhaps you're not happy with My boyfriend because for all you give to him, he hasn't offered much more beyond what you believe you need.
Me [12:49 PM]: And sometimes not even that. I've been trying hard not to rag on him too badly because he's so insecure, and the more insecure he is the worse he behaves. But there is only so much I can say honestly to him in a positive light. When all of the things that are good about him don't ring as true in his own mind, and all of his faults are blatant and loud, then what can be done about it? He doesn't believe his art is any good. He doesn't believe he is attractive.
Will [12:50 PM]: Wow, he sounds like me.
Me [12:51 PM]: He doesn't believe that I really want to stay with him, even after proposing I doubt he believes me!
Will: Oi. He. Has. Low. Self. Esteem.
Me: He's scared of his ability to keep me happy, and the more scared he is of it, the worse he is at making me happy!
Will: Possibly depression as well.
Me: I know. Yep. And he HATES being told that. He gets even more withdrawn when it's brought up! What can I do?
Will [12:52 PM]: Of course, denying and being adamant against it isn't going to help things.
Me: I want to bang my head on the wall repeatedly, but I doubt that will help. I know.
Will: Well, the first thing you have to do is build his self-esteem.
Me [12:55 PM]: I've been trying.
Will [12:56 PM]: How's that been going? Pretty shittily, huh?
Me: I tell him every night that he looks sexy. I insist that he take his shirt off. He still disbelieves. I tell him that I love him more than twice a day. I tell him reasons why I love him at least once a day. I compliment his every art work with real compliments, not just flattery. I cook for him and tell him how I enjoy doing so. I exclaim about every orgasm he gives me, as though it was the best thing anyone could give a person. I usually can't help rambling about how good an orgasm was afterwards anyway. He just isn't letting any of that in. He's too busy telling himself that it's not true.
Will [12:58 PM]: Well, he's a veritable sad-sack.
Me [12:59 PM]: What's veritable mean?
Will [1:00 PM]: An adjective, used as an intensifier. It's like saying "He's a regular sad-sack."
Me [1:01 PM]: I suppose. ... I'm a sad-sack. At the moment anyway. I was a bundle of joy yesterday. Funny how fast these things change.
Will [1:02 PM]: That's how depression is.
Me [1:03 PM]: I feel so stupid. I shouldn't let anybody control how I feel like this. But what happiness is there without giving your heart (i.e. that control) to someone? I suppose you're the wrong person to be asking about that... heh.
Me [1:09 PM]: Please shoot me now.
Will [1:10 PM]: Killing you won't solve anything.
Me: I know. I mentioned that in the entry I'm writing
Will [1:14 PM]: Well, what options do you have?
Me [1:15 PM]: Do nothing, try to talk to him about it, or break up with him. Same as always. I've tried the first two immeasurable times! ugh.
Will [1:15 PM]: The first and third ones are not options.
Me: Yeah, I know. He'll eventually try to talk to me. When he's ready. But I hate waiting for that.
Will [1:16 PM]: After all the times you've tried talking to him? I think he's become comfortable in his self-imposed misery.
Me: He always does... He'll say he's sorry, and that things will change... And then... (dare I say it) ... things don't change. Either that, or that problem goes away and a new one arises. Yeah. He doesn't know how to be happy. He thinks he's better when he's angry. He's not.
Will [1:18 PM]: So, your first and second choices are simply insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. So. You either need to give up (breaking up with him) or find a new angle of attack.
Me [1:19 PM]: I know! I know! Now re-read all of what this started out with!
Will: Wow... You've tried other angles.
Me [1:21 PM]: I've tried ignoring. I've tried crying. I've tried writing. I've tried talking. I've tried waiting. I've tried being super supportive and neglecting to mention his wrong-doings. I've tried pointing everything wrong out. Each of those I've tried many times, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. I've even tried acting as though I didn't give a hoot about anything he did for over a week. That made things worse. That was a long time ago though.
Will [1:22 PM]: He's difficult to please.
Me: Exactly what I said!
Will: Have you tried asking what he wants?
Me: And he says I'm the difficult one. Yes! Over and over and over and over again!
Will: What has he told you?
Me [1:23 PM]: He says "sex and attention" But I give him both in bundles! I asked him last night what he wanted, and he didn't answer. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "nothing."
Will [1:24 PM]: Of course then he wouldn't be getting any better. He's keeping you at arm's length with that answer, keeping you from getting to the crux of whatever his problems may be. He doesn't want to let you in.
Me: I know. Exactly. And when I point that out, he's even more upset.
Will [1:25 PM]: You probably would benefit from couple's therapy. But your opinion on doctors makes that difficult.
Me: Therapy is expensive.
Will: That too.
Me: And as long as they don't give me pills, then I'm fine with them.
Will: Usually couple's therapists don't prescribe medicine.
Me: I think therapy might be just another blow to his ego.
Will [1:26 PM]: His ego, huh?
Me: And we couldn't afford it. I've thought about it.
Will: You just proposed to him, kiddo. If anything, he shouldn't be acting like this.
Me: I know! That's why this isn't just normal hish-hash. The fact that I proposed makes it miserable.
Will: I say it's becoming too much trouble for its own good.
Me: I thought this would change if I proposed!
Will [1:27 PM]: You honestly thought that? Kid, the fight only gets harder after that.
Me: I thought he could stop being insecure if he KNEW he had me.
Will [1:30 PM]: Of course, this is not the case.
Me: So now that I'm backed into a corner, now what?
Will [1:31 PM]: Perhaps he knows this as well, and is insecure because he feels that you proposed just to try and make him feel better.
Me [1:32 PM]: Shit, I didn't think of that! But I did propose because I want to marry him. At least, I thought I did. But the way he's been acting since last night has me questioning again.
Will [1:33 PM]: Most people wait a lot longer than one year to propose for a reason.
Me [1:34 PM]: I really thought that things would just magically change after I proposed. I'm such an idiot. I feel like a blundering fool! All I've been working towards... All I ever put my heart into was being this perfect girlfriend, perfect wife and mother that I'll never fucking be! Everyone see's right through my supposed calm, my supposed wisdom and sees me for the idiot I am, and that's why nobody trusts me.
Will [1:36 PM]: I trust you. Despite the council of people who I suppose should know better, I do trust you. That's the point of being a good friend.
Me [1:37 PM]: I suppose that's hard for me to comprehend sometimes.
Will: Being able to see past failing and accepting a person for both their good qualities and bad. Which is why I have friends who tend to not get along with each other.
Me [1:39 PM]: I just realized that he was writing this morning. I'm going to see what he wrote.
Will: Oh? Maybe it'll make you feel better. I certainly hope so.
Me: That or worse...
Me [1:42 PM]: His entry is just about useless to my emotional state.
Will: Oh?
Me: He's afraid of me neglecting him after I have a baby. Oh seriously! I wish I could smack him right now for thinking of that.
Will [1:43 PM]: Hm.
Me: I've told him time and time and time again that if we had a baby (or a girlfriend for that matter) that with as much time as he works, I'll still be able to devote the few hours before we sleep to him. It's not like it's that much time!
Will: Think that.
Me [1:44 PM]: Not taking care of the baby – that will take a lot of time. I mean, he's not here for that much time. He's only got four hours after work before we go to bed. And I'm sure he'd want to spend time with our baby too! For goodness sakes, he's such a worry wart sometimes.
Will [1:46 PM]: Oi oi. We're getting distracted.. How does this change your feelings of the situation? Other than what he wrote being "useless".
Me [1:48 PM]: Heh...
Will [1:50 PM]: So what can you do? Will you just keep playing the same game with him? Or is this all worth breaking up with him?
Me [1:54 PM]: I don't know yet... On the phone with him.
Me [2:04 PM]: Well, I still don't know what the fuck to think.
Will: What happened?
Me [2:05 PM]: He spent all the time we were on the phone listing off things he's scared about. He believes that I'm pregnant, and that after the baby is born that I'll stop paying attention to him. Basically he's scared of his "sex and attention" being compromised by a baby. This is so ridiculous.
Will [2:06 PM]: That's not good.
Me: Well, I told him that it's normal to be scared, but that it's not okay for him to ignore me because of it.
Will [2:07 PM]: You and him are planning for this child, right?
Me [2:08 PM]: That I may or may not be having... Yes and no. Planning in thought, not so much in action, since we don't know if I am or not.
Will [2:09 PM]: Perhaps waiting until you're married would be a better time.
Me: I know it would. But I'm not getting an abortion if I am pregnant.
Will [2:11 PM]: I'm disturbed though. This is all sounding like it's leading towards something terrible. Say you are pregnant? Then all that comes with it hits.
Me [2:16 PM]: I know. It does. That is why I'm so lost right now. I've never been one to break up over a disagreement. I've never been one to throw away my effort because of a hang up. Especially not with relationships. But when children are involved, it's more serious. ‘Wait and see’ doesn't always work with kids.
Will [2:18 PM]: No, it doesn't.
Me [2:19 PM]: There is no compromising on drugs or over-reacting with kids. You're either committed, or you're not.
Will [2:20 PM]: And you're still fighting with him over that, aren't you?
Me: Not exactly. We're still compromising with certain things.
Will [2:21 PM]: Compromising? How?
Me: Currently he's supposed to only smoke weed once a week. Supposedly we're done with the drinking. He slipped up about a week ago and drank one tilt, thinking that one wine-cooler wouldn't hurt. But it did, so I hope he learned his lesson.
Will [2:24 PM]: And you're not sure whether or not you'll be able to stick with My boyfriend as you go through a pregnancy he's pretty afraid for?
Me [2:25 PM]: Well, no, it's not that. I'm sure I can stick with him. I stuck with Tre for goodness sakes. But I'm not sure it'll be as pleasant as I'd hoped.
Will: It never is.
Me [2:26 PM]: I mean, of course there are problems, but I had hoped for less of them. If two people can just sit down and talk calmly about things without waiting for a day or so to pass before doing this, then a relationship is a lot smoother.
Will [2:27 PM]: Yeah, but it hasn't been that?
Me [2:28 PM]: It always takes him a day to come around. In the mean time, it hurts. I don't see why he should have to come around throughout a day over the same things over and over again. We should have been done with the "all women are liars, and so are you" the first time he called me up and told me "You know what, you're not a liar. You never have lied to me. I'm sorry. I do believe you." I shouldn't have had to deal with that, five, ten, fifteen more times!
Will [2:30 PM]: Stuff like that is never settled the first time around.
Me: But I've never lied to him. I don't understand why he had to keep bringing it up. Him and Brianna were over five years ago. And he's had a year with me to prove that I'm a liar. So why does he have to think I'm a liar just because she was? It's not liar! If I was still basing him on Tre then I'd have left him months ago.
Will: Because he's insecure, duh! His insecurity is the single biggest problem in your relationship. Not the drugs. Not the drinking.
Me [2:31 PM]: I know. You don't know how he is when he's drunk He's terrible.
Will: Hm?
Me: Mean, irrational, illogical... Totally rude, totally unwilling to compromise, easy to anger, easy to forget... Him drunk is intolerable.
Will [2:32 PM]: Alcohol is said to reveal our true inner selves. Unless you overcome that insecurity, I doubt there's any way you're going to be able to not have a rocky relationship. But now that I think about it... I wonder if his insecurity was a factor in his relationship with Brianna. Think long and hard about this, Rae. I'd hate for you to make a decision you'd regret.
