Life (Like It Or Not) Is Full Of People

Friday, February 29th 2008 at 8:19pm

It feels so good not to be working on the Social Club stuff today. To not be having a Social Club “rave” tonight.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 12:35am

Today was pretty good. I slept in a bit. I danced while cleaning for a bit when I woke up. I worked on my Direct Democracy of the Phoenix design for most of the day. I cleaned my bathroom. I returned my “work phone” and blue-tooth that was provided for Social Club purposes. I called My boyfriend several times and didn’t get an answer, which is expected on Saturdays, since that the busiest day for the tattoo shop. I made several phone calls. Then after all that stuff I went to game night with mom.

Tina and Megan didn’t come. I invited them both, and Sara too (Megan’s younger sister) but none of them were able to make it. It was nice anyway. Mom, Asa, some guy I can’t remember the name of and I played a game that was the forerunner to my favorite game (at the moment) Race for the Galaxy. I think it was called San Juan.

The concept of San Juan is that you are directing the island of San Juan. You can build plantations and other buildings. Plantations make resources, but only with “colonists” which are little brown circles, or as I prefer to call them, slaves because after all, that’s what they are. The plantations (except corn) also need a factory to create resources. There can’t be coffee beans without a coffee roaster for example, and slaves to work the coffee roaster as well as the plantation.

Now in Race for the Galaxy there are four types of resources instead of five. And instead of being coffee, tobacco, corn, sugar and blue (can’t remember what blue was) Race for the Galaxy has Novelty goods, Genes, Rare Elements and Alien goods. (Blue, green, brown and yellow)

In San Juan you select one of several different types of actions, which I have not yet memories. One of them is “captain” which allows you to put the resources you’ve produced (producing them is another action you can take) into a ship (to take back to Spain) in exchange for victory points. You may also trade your goods for doubloons. You may choose builder in order to spend your doubloons on buildings. But in order for those buildings and plantations to do any good, there is another action you choose (that I forgot the name of) to gain “colonists” to run them.

Whom ever has the most victory points when you are either out of colonists, or when all the building slots are filled, is the winner. Likewise, in Race for the Galaxy, when either all victory point chits are used up, or when twelve cards are played, the game ends and whom ever has the most victory points wins. I like the way both games run. Complex enough to feel satisfying when you win. I won my first game of San Juan by one point. Asa came in second. My mom was only three points behind in third place, and the other guy another five points behind in fourth place. I enjoyed myself.

Then, right after finishing the game (at 11:10pm) Mom and I went and picked up My boyfriend from work. We came home, and I played Diablo II with My boyfriend for a while. He’s all happy because someone who used to play a lot (who doesn’t play much anymore) gave him his account log-in so that My boyfriend could have his items. He had some good stuff in there, so My boyfriend is all happy about that.

And then My boyfriend stopped leveling me up in tomb runs, so I logged out and decided to write for a little while even though there is no particular topic I wish to write about at the moment. So I decided to write about my day and any other random thoughts that came to mind...

It makes me very happy to know that My boyfriend will be my husband.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 12:35am

Angel Writes Me:

Hi Atara,

Well, I know exactly how you feel when you say that you know who you are but yet you’re still not entirely mature just yet. I also don’t see myself as an adult (I’m only 16!). I feel as if this is my prime year and I don’t know why because I already found the answers last year to the questions that haunted me all my life. Last year was definitely the toughest year for me; by far at least. I was put through a lot of crappy obstacles but like I said I was able to learn from them so no complains here.

As for Darren, I decided to leave him alone for good. At this point I really can’t indicate this as a bad or good thing because honestly I don’t know for sure but my intentions are telling me that I am making the right decision. Time will tell all right? As much as his flirty behavior flatters me inside I know his only aspiration is to be this wannabe player; why would I want to help build his reputation? I can leave that to the other females who he’s involved with. I will confess though that I don’t like the idea of us “separating” but then again I can’t take it anymore so I’m done with it. I want him to miss me. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel how he made me feel. Is that selfish of me?

Honestly, I appreciate the whole “get another boyfriend” advice but I don’t want another boyfriend. I feel like I don’t need one, I’d rather be independent because once I let a dude come into my life, I get distracted easily and lose focus on my priorities. If I were to let a guy into my life, I’d be extremely overwhelmed and although that seems like a good thing, it’s not. I loathe the fact that I rely on someone else for my happiness. There are going to be times when I am not with someone and I am alone, therefore I don’t want to spend that alone time crying and wishing that someone would come along and save me. I want to be able to construct my own enthusiasm so when I’m alone I don’t yearn for somebody, you know? Besides you opened my eyes wider when you stated that he could be holding me back; I don’t want to be hampered by someone who chooses to deteriorate me.

Awe yes I would most definitely consider you lucky as well; My boyfriend is a total achievement! …

‘One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you.’ That made me giggle because I’ve made that slip-up many times. The four serious relationships that I’ve formed in the past were with males who were completely opposite than me! My first sweetheart was dull and serious. My first true love was a metal-head. My second lover was a preppy, self-absorbed jock. Darren was a so called hustler. I fall hard for guys who are different than me and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I want to see life from someone else’s standpoint.

I also know how you feel when you say that your relationship with Tre made you become someone who you weren’t. I’ve walked in those shoes many times. When I was with Darren I lied numerously, I cussed constantly, and lost all my morals. I began to gossip (which is something I rarely do), I began to judge others before I even got a chance to know them. These may not seem like a big of a deal but they were killing me inside.

I like how you wrote this out; “and after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn't end. It kept turning; life moved on, I discovered that I didn't miss him after all” I want to be able to say that about Darren in the future.

Well, about the whole self-centered thing, I know what you mean. The funny thing is whenever I try not to be self-centered I end up doing it and when I choose to be self-centered, I don’t even want to talk about myself. I love having you as a friend and I truly believe that you deserve to be happy so when you feel like nobody notices your accomplishments or when you feel as if nobody is admiring your projects, know that I am admiring it all!

I write Angel:

Angel,

It’s normal to want him to hurt and to miss you. (I know, it sucks hearing that what you’re going through is normal, but it’s also oddly comforting, right?) I used to feel that about Tre a lot. Though never about Jeremy. You’ll know when you find a really good guy when you don’t want him to hurt. Jeremy was forever trying his hardest for me, but I was so young and silly, and I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. Not that I regret it, his breaking my heart helped me to grow.
It makes me so excited reading your writing and seeing how much you’ve grown so fast. I had to read this aloud to My boyfriend. I’ve mentioned you perhaps three times in the past. He liked how you put things too, he can see that you’re mad cool.

I would write you more but I’m about to leave with My boyfriend soon. Much love and luck, write back soon.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 7:55pm

I don’t know what to do with myself at the moment... Fine. If he wants to do his own thing and ignore me, then I can do the same. It’s a shame. Today was going pretty well. So much for affectionate time. Whatever.

Monday, March 3rd 2008 at 9:10pm

There was supposed to be a Social Club meeting tonight. But I forgot. Chances are that nobody showed up anyway. No one has called me. No one even seems to care. I’m so glad that all that stuff is said and done with. Working with Arrin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself through... That next to being with Tre. But I loved Tre, so that was different. I was trying to pull through this for pride and for money. I was trying to pull through with Tre for love. Tre last two years. Arrin lasted two months. Goes to show the power of love in comparison to pride and money, eh?

Speaking of the power of love... My boyfriend is making me giddish again, just like the beginning. I love how it feels to feel so in love. I love that other girls wish they were in my place. I love that there is good reason for them to want to be. I love that he loves me so much. I love that we can be mature and work things through, and that we can be goof-balls, and laugh and joke and be silly too.

I like that my life feels like it’s at least somewhat in my own hands. Or at least, it’s more in My boyfriend’s hands than in my parent’s. That makes me feel grown. I have no desire to be an independent (ie. Single) woman, ever. If I wasn’t with My boyfriend, I’d only be single as long as it took to get over him and to find someone else who’d at least fill the gap, if not be better. Though finding someone better would be quite the trick.

I want a husband, and I have one in the making. It makes me proud. It makes me warm. It puts my mind at ease. He wants to take care of me. He doesn’t just say so. There is a difference that can be detected between when people talk out of their ass to get anything they want, and those who say something that they truly mean. You can see it in their body language, and in their eyes. And when that isn’t enough, their actions will let you know.

I can tell by the things My boyfriend does... He bends. He’s flexible. He grows and learns with me. He recognizes me for who I am, and like me, he adapts to compliment my personality. Just what I asked for.

Monday, March 3rd 2008 at 9:22pm

My boyfriend,

My love. When I first met you I liked you because you came off as an individual. I could tell you didn’t just follow the pack, that you thought for yourself. I liked you because you liked me. I liked you because you were cute. I slept with you because I was lonely, and needy, and you were worthy of my pussy. I wanted to impress you, and I did.

I liked you even more as time when on. The more we fucked, the more we talked, the more I fell for you. I fell in love as you as I realized you were like me, the first one I’d met, the second of my own. The first other of my species, the first poison porcupine I’d met. I started to change to meet your needs, started to mold you to meet mine.

I saw in you the foundations for a husband. I saw in you my younger self, my older self, my inner artist that was never fully developed. I knew that I wanted to marry you after a short month of knowing you. I told you I wanted to marry you after only a week of going out, right before New Years day. I knew I wanted to marry you before it even turned 2007, before I even turned eighteen.

I thought I had seen the worst of you after I saw you drunk. Little did I know that you don’t have to be drunk to behave that way. But I knew you could change for me. You showed me that you could when you quit smoking cigarettes for me. I let you all the way in, and then even further after I returned from my trip. Perhaps it wasn’t until your birthday in July that I really knew you. I stopped seeing you as my first impression: a teenage black guy (as I thought you were) a little aside from the pack. I started seeing you as the full grown adult artist that you are. I saw you as a full combination of assets and faults.

And still I fell more deeply in love with you. I loved you first because you were like me. I continued to love you because you have the ability to change. My love for you kept growing because your love for me kept growing, along with our attachment. My trust in you grew as your trust in me grew. I saw you for who you are today through all of that time, through every argument, through every time you left, through every time you let me down. I saw you for the you that I have every day when you come home.

Your will to learn so much inspired me, and still inspires me. Your ability to work day in and day out, hour after hour, and to still come home and adapt back to me lets me know your strength, reveals to me your character. A cup of tea, a soggy bowl of cereale, a touch, a kiss, a look... You give your love to me, and show me your heart. I swell up inside knowing that you’re mine. I’ll cry when you cry and I’ll laugh when you laugh. I’ll be happy when you’re happy and sad when you’re sad... As I have been since I met you.

I’ll be ready for your cock. I’ll be ready for your words. I’ll be ready because you love me, because you care about me, because you understand me, because you trust me... And you call me. *talks to you*

I love it when you call me. I love that you get up, and you work, and you come home, and you give me your heart, and your energy, and your time. I promise to stay this way for you if you’ll stay this way for me sweetie. It makes me so happy. I appreciate everything, I really do.

You’re my cutie, my babe, my baby, my love, my citadel, my sweetie, my My boyfriend. You’re everything to me babe. Everything... I need you in my life. I’m with you now because I know you’ll reach your full potential, not because you have potential, but because you’re using it. I love that about you. I love you, for who you are... Just like I know you love me for who I am.

~Phoenix

Letters

Thursday, February 21st 2008 at 1:21pm

“Under existing state management plans – plans approved by the Bush Administration – all but 300 hundred wolves could be killed. That’s 80% of the wild wolves in Greater Yellowstone and the Northern Rockies!

As I wrote last month, federal officials already made it easier to kill wolves while they were still protected under the Endangered Species Act. Now they’re taking the final step, and eliminating these federal protections altogether.

Idaho officials want to use aerial gunning to kill wolves in their state. Wyoming agencies have left the door open to the use of traps and poison to eliminate wolves. And officials in both states – and Montana – have proposed wolf hunts.”

This report made me cry. I recently watched on National Geographic a beautiful depiction of Yellowstone park and it’s wolves, and how wolves were brought back from the brink of extinction by regulations, and acts, and by allowing Yellowstone park to have wolves. Now Bush and his administration are ruing another great thing this country did in the past. How is it possible that he wants to simply destroy everything? How can that really be any person’s goal? How could that be the goal of our president? How could I live in a country where that is something that is legal.

Monday, February 25th 2008 at 2:50pm

Asa Writes Me

Atara,

Hope you're having a fun weekend. I'm impressed with the progress you're making with that youth group, I think it's something that can make a tangible different to kids in your neighborhood, and you've got a good group of helpers already. It's really good work you and your mothers are doing, and I'm happy to help out when I can.

By the way, I'm thinking of placing an order at www.thoughthammer.com in the next few weeks, are there any games you might like to get for the group, or are you set for now? I was thinking light games like For Sale, Coloretto or Carcassonne might be popular. Or party games like Apples to Apples or Wits and Wagers. Yes I have a large collection, but I tend toward more hardcore games, and I'm not always available.

Speaking of availability, I was thinking of throwing a gaming party next Saturday evening, and wondered if next weekend works for you. It would be nice to get more players together, and your presence is always appreciated. I'd like to get some of those 5-6 player games out, like Puerto Rico or Power Grid. Later, Asa

P.S. Just in case you didn't see it online, I've attached the periodic table for Race for the Galaxy, which is a cool reference document.

I Write Asa Back

Awesome chart. It would be very nice to play games this Saturday. Perhaps I'll bring some of my new young friends along. Mike wants to play Race for the Galaxy some more anyway. Though (being that I own the game now) I've decided on some house rules: Hand limit is increased to 15 cards, card building limit is increased to 14 cards, and point-chit limit is the amount that came with the bag.

Mom, My boyfriend, Dad and I tried this out last night and it made for a more interesting game (in my opinion.) Mom won with 52 points, I came in second with 47 points, and Dad and My boyfriend each made 30-something points. The round we played before that with standard rules, none of us made it to 30 points and all felt like the game ended too soon. Perhaps it is a little redundant, but heck, if everyone wants to play longer, than it does no damage, lol.

In terms of the Social Club, it's falling apart for a number of reasons. I think I'm going to try and keep in touch with my favorite members by inviting them to play games and such, either at your place or mine.

Hope to see you Saturday.

~Atara

I Wrote Alan

Alan,

I'm so sorry you're sick! But it's just as well, and perhaps it's another act of god or something...

This whole thing isn't working out. It's getting worse and worse. My financial partner, who owns the house, is hard for me to work with. The original group of fifteen people who were working with me on this have turned out to be more trouble than help. My two main people: Jasmine (who you met) and Amber have been lost. (Jasmine doesn't have the time, and Amber turns out to be a thief and a problem-causer.)

I'm down to two girls I can count on and neither of them have many connections, and because I'm not in High School anymore I can't seem to find people on my own.

The city won't give us a permit to make it a legal social club that can be advertised at schools.

And the location it self is having issues. The basement is flooding, and so the water was turned off inside the house, but it kept rising, so we had to call the city to turn it off, and now there is no water there.

So we won't be able to have the parties this weekend. I only just put all of this together this morning, but it seems to me as though the spirits are telling me to either find another route, or give up on this all together.

My life has been nothing but stress since I started trying to make this work. I've put money out of my own pocket into it, and I haven't made a penny back. I haven't even had one good event, or even a productive meeting.

The first party was a disaster, and the teens don't want to do more productive things, or take on any sort of responsibility. So I'm at a loss for doing anything at all.

I can't spend another dollar out of my own pocket, and I can't find another location, and I don't know anybody else to bring into this. One of the two girls I can count on is pregnant seven months, and the other lives an hour drive away. They both have their own lives to worry about.

The simple fact of the matter is, there are more problems than it's worth it for me to do this. I never thought I'd have to everything myself just because everyone else would back out and be so inconsiderate and irresponsible. I also never guessed the my business partner would turn out to be such an ass hole.

I also never thought that this would take up all of my time, and effect my relationship with My boyfriend, and make me so tired all the time.

As much as I loved the idea, and as much time and effort and money has been sunk into the project, there is nothing to do but let go. It's time to cut my losses and move back to the life I had before this project, the life that allowed me to have time for writing, reading and drawing.

Thank you so much for your support. We'll keep in touch.

~Atara

Alan Writes Back

Atara,

So sorry to hear of the sad news. What you are trying to accomplish is a wonderful endeavor. In my mind you are destined make projects like this a successful reality at some point. The experience you had with it should be a lesson learned and only make your attempts at whatever you embark next easier. As you have learned there are many logistical barriers to manage when running anything like a business. You had a wonderful idea and tried to make it a reality. Take the experience, both good and bad, and learn from it. Please keep in touch and keep your head held high, you've too much heart and talent to you let it linger.

Thank you, Alan

Birth Control & Candy Hearts

Sunday, February 17th 2008 at 3:53pm

My boyfriend is being very cooperative today. We cleaned together. We stood up the futon on it’s end, cleaned out everything from under the bed (mostly My boyfriend’s hair and various pairs of my panties) and swept, and mopped. I rearranged my crafting table, he rearranged his office space. I didn’t do anything with my desk, but it’s still a large improvement to the room.

What’s even better is he danced with me when I put the music on. We listened to his music for a while, and then my music for a while, and then I requested silence and he complied. So in short, the day is going well. And despite how much I probably should write a real entry, I’m going to play Diablo II with him... *sigh*

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 1:52am

My boyfriend and I are trying to remember what happened Wednesday so we can put it on the chart. But neither of us can remember for sure. It’s hilarious. There is no journal entry from either of us on that day, and no other evidence either of us can come up with as to what we did. This is the only thing I have, (from my hours record): “Requested more adds. Found more staff for party. Created more packets. Designed new site.”

Interesting that would be all there is. Interesting...

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 1:41pm

I feel that yesterday brought My boyfriend and I closer. We discussed a number of important matters pertaining to our relationship and lives in general.

Hm, the granola I just ate... Is oddly making me feel very sick to my stomach. I hate to lay back down again... So much I want to accomplish today that has naught to do with the Social Club for once. I’m most certainly taking this day off from that. It’s tempting to simply read my book until I’m finished. The last few chapters of “Breath and Bone” are but a few hours reading time away from completion. I don’t want the book to end.

Oh good, my stomach doesn’t seem as unsettled as I thought. Come to think of the Social Club I come to realize there is a meeting next Monday I have yet to mark on the website. Alan is supposed to meet with us.

My boyfriend doesn’t want me to be involved with this Social Club anymore. Saturday night I cried for a long time, retelling the stories of the things that happened Friday night after I had left everything in the supposedly capable hands of my staff. Attempted suicide. Broken doors. Broken wall. Stolen CDS. Stolen chips. Broken doorknob. Soda all drank. Trash everywhere. Etc.

I was so upset that no one had followed directions. The bouncers were the ones that needed bouncing. The supervisors needed supervision. The coordinator needed coordination. The food servers ate the food they were supposed to protect from been overly eaten. It was ridiculous.

My boyfriend says he wants to provide for me...

*ring, ring, ring* Some idiot calling me on my My boyfriend phone, instead of my Social Club phone. I called them back on my Social Club phone. It was one of my staff who failed terribly. One of my Supervisors. Heh. She wanted to know when the next meeting is. Friday at 5:00pm I said. I need to post that on our site...

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 2:03pm

Think twice about Sugar!

"Be mine." "Hot stuff." "Kiss me."

Cute messages of love on a classic Valentine's Day candy – the biggest selling sweet other than chocolate for February 14th.

But not the sweetest message you could give to the planet, or your body. Here are the top three reasons why Valentine's conversation hearts are not eco-friendly:

#1 – Sugar

Did you know that sugar production around the world is damaging natural treasures like the Great Barrier Reef off Australia's coast and the Everglades wetlands in Florida?

According to WWF International, 121 countries produce the annual 145 tons of sugar the world eats. And unfortunately, this sugar cane and sugar beets are grown with plenty of pesticides and create toxic runoff into soil and water.

The Sugarcane Production and Environment Report (PDF) notes that it takes a whopping 1,500-3,000 liters of water to produce just 1 kg of sugar. Refining factories regularly belch out soot, ash, and other solids, while ammonia is released during sugar processing.

Better management practices could make sugar a cleaner product. But until cane growers agree to be sustainable, consumers might want to make more informed choices.

It'd be great if we could find more fair-trade sugar, but in the meantime, it's not a bad idea to cut back on sugar. Easier on the waistline, not to mention the intestines, anyway.

#2 – Corn syrup

Next in the original recipe for Necco's Sweethearts Conversation Hearts is corn syrup. Now, we're not positive if this is the awful high-fructose corn syrup that's in so many of our processed foods (and has been directly linked to the American obesity crisis – if you didn’t know, one in three of us is over-weight and headed for diabetes, cancer or alzheimer's at a shocking rate). But any kind of corn syrup has little to recommend it.

Corn is massively over-farmed and subsidized in the U.S., (with the US government spending 30 billion a year to make it) and this is causing a host of environmental problems right on our doorstep. Grist points out that corn farmers pour 10 billion pounds of fertilizer on their fields every year, and this junk washes down the Mississippi River into the Gulf of Mexico. The waste creates a giant algae bloom known as the "Dead Zone" that kills fish and marine plants.

#3 – Gelatin

Number three in the recipe and the third reason these seemingly innocent treats aren't so innocent for the eco-minded. This is the stuff we usually associate with wiggly-jiggly Jello. Gelatin is often used in candies and desserts as a stabilizer or to simulate the mouth-feel of fat.

If you weren't aware of it already, gelatin comes from animals. Specifically, it's the boiled-down collagen from connective tissues, bones, and skin of cattle and pigs.

As we've noted before, raising livestock for food is pretty inefficient and produces far more greenhouse gases than eating a plant-based diet. You don't have to be hardcore about it – just cutting back on animal products a few days each week for a more flexitarian lifestyle is earth-friendly.

Instead of candy hearts...

Want some alternatives to those candies? If you're the sentimental type, buy a pack of recycled-content pink construction paper, cut it into big heart shapes, and write your own sweet messages on each heart.

Scatter them around your Valentine's house, tuck one in your love's briefcase or purse, sneak one in the car before your loved one drives off to work – this will be a Valentine's Day to remember!

Or if your babe prefers something edible, go for fair-trade or organic chocolates. That'll guarantee a gift that's rich, decadent, and sweet on Mother Earth too. (Not to mention won’t send your loved one into inflamation of the gut, or the gene-altering cycle that sugar causes within our blood stream leading us towards chronic diseases!)

For your wife or girlfriend you also might want to try running a warm bath with rose petals and scented oils and heating up their towel in the dryer. Much more romantic than cheap candies that hurt the earth and body!

For your husband or boyfriend you also could try greeting him at the door, taking his coat, shoes, scarf, hat, gloves (etc) and leading him into the dinning room where you have prepared a home cooked candle-lit dinner with organic meats, fresh or steamed vegetables, and brown rice. This will not only be a great alternative to candy, but it will also be healthy, romantic, and eco-friendly!

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 2:52pm

Nathan,

It’s not that I couldn’t give the virtual ring back at the time, it’s that he didn’t want it back anymore because he was mad at me for taking it. Yes, I’m aware that game items can be sold for money, but neither My boyfriend or I am involved in such things.

As for living on my own, the thought frightens me and excites me both. But my parents are rather agreeable. I think my presence here helps, and I know the presence of my mother helps me.

Hallie,

I’ve actually considered that before. That perhaps Brianna left My boyfriend because My boyfriend was sexist and winy or whatever. But she did do some fucked up thinks, according to My boyfriend, of course. For example, when their baby was born and he came to the hospital, she told him he shouldn’t have come, without explanation. She spent more time with her friends than she did with him. (He realizes now that he’d been doing the same to me which made him change his ways quite a bit over the past month.) And while she might not have been a total bitch, she wasn’t affectionate or kinky in the ways that My boyfriend is, so it would have been hard for her to ever understand or accept him, or for him to do likewise for her.

I can see why she left him based on the character My boyfriend has described of her. She was undoubtedly bored. My boyfriend loves computers, video games, art, sex and affection. She loved socializing, partying, getting fucked up, and talking. She was a Christian, and he is a Satanist (or so he calls himself anyway), which of course would never work. From my perspective, their pairing was as bad as mine with Travanti. Simply would never work no matter how you look at it.

On the other topic you commented about a while back... I probably am not an emotionally healthy adult yet. After all, I have not been single since I was eleven, and I’ve been thinking that this means that I have never known myself as just myself. I’ve always been me and someone else for as long as my memory can really stretch.

Just last night I was thinking that our relevant memory lasts about a year. Because now I find it difficult to recall many things about Tre. I don’t remember what the arguments were really like, or how the ups and the downs of the relationship really went. All my relevant memories are consumed by My boyfriend. I was thinking that without having a year of being single, I have forgone ever having all of my relevant memories being of self, and only self. Chances are, based on that, that I will never be emotionally independent as most young women become at this point in their life.

I can’t see how my parents really affect that any further. I see my mom a lot, yes. We talk everyday, and we go places together, but for the most part, I feel like going downstairs is visiting her, and like her coming upstairs is visiting me. It’s as though this really is an apartment for me. But, you’re right that I’m not an emotional independent adult, I just think it has more to do with my lack of being single than my lack of living away from home.

Newlywedbliss,

Glad to have your input. I hope to hear more from you in the future.

Tater,

As you’ve probably already read, My boyfriend and I moving anywhere is an unlikely event at this point in time. My boyfriend and I have been thinking along the lines of finishing this house once for all, buying it from my parents and keeping it after they’re gone and raising our kids here. It’s not set in stone, but it’s the plan for now.

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 3:08pm

I simply don’t know what to do about birth control. I started out on the pill when I was 11 or 12 or so. At first it seemed okay. But I kept forgetting to take them, causing my period to come off schedule. I wasn’t aware then of my body’s reaction to everything I ingested, so the only things I noticed were that when I forgot to take it, and took double that sometimes I would get cramps, or bleed-through, and for some odd reason they suddenly started to make me nauseated.

The little round green thing was so small, but it bothered me more than the large white calcium. I couldn’t stand it’s sugary smell, or the texture of the small smooth thing on my tongue. Without juice I refused to take it. I began to hate the things, and loathe taking them.

When the patch came out when I was fourteen or so, I was delighted. All I had to do was change it once a week and I was home free! Three patches a month, how much simpler could it be? I noticed no difference in sexual appetite, no difference in moods. Just seemed like it was harmless.

Maybe my body changed over the years of maturing in such a way that my body started to disagree with the thing. My breasts grew after changing to the patch, which I hadn’t realized was a direct result. They swelled and then, around a year ago when I met My boyfriend they started to hurt. I was 17 at the time, and hadn’t noticed how much they hurt to be touched until starting off in a new relationship full of affection.

Oddly, after wearing them for so long I started forgetting to change them on time too. Who knows why. This only made matters worse I assume.

A mystery hit me when I had sex with My boyfriend for around the sixth or seventh time and it hurt terribly. I had never felt it hurt like that except during a yeast infection and assumed that was what it was. Online friends confirmed that often they would get a yeast infection when changing partners, so I assumed that’s what it was. Though fear of a genital disease plagued me.

I went to get it checked out and to my complete confusion I did not have an STD, or a yeast infection. So why did it hurt to use the bathroom and to have sex? Why did I spend a week crying in the bathtub trying not to scratch?

It went away and stayed away for months so I assumed that what ever it was, was gone for good. I nearly forgot about it until it happened again. And the second time it seemed to never go away. I waited for three weeks to have sex again, but within two or three times of having sex it was hurting again. I made another visit to the GYN and they said the same thing, no yeast, no disease.

So why did it feel like my insides were on fire?

I tried waiting it out over and over again, but every time it came back. We got down to having sex once a week, at times. It was embarrassing. Coriver thought I was exaggerating the level of pain, but I wasn’t.

I asked the doctor then about the breast soreness the next time I came in, practically given up on the fire in between my legs that had no answer. She said that the breast pains could very well be caused by the patch. She suggested pills and I refused. She suggested the shot and I refused. She showed me the new item, the nueva ring, which is a flexible insert.

At first I was elated. It was easy to put in, easy to take out, and I only needed one a month! One week into it, the spot on the inside that gives me pleasure seemed to disappear. “No pleasure in sex anymore, sorry!” The ring seemed to say. And then, on top of it, with each day to follow it began to hurt more and more. It seemed to get hotter than normal inside, and my skin felt raw exactly where the ring was located on the inside.

Disgusted, angry, and upset discussed it with My boyfriend, and we decided to be rid of it. Since I already had a follow-up scheduled for January of 2008 I didn’t bother to go in. Instead we tried condoms.

Ha. That was a fine idea, wasn’t it? You would think that. Except that no matter how wet I got the friction seemed to sop all of it up, and My boyfriend’s wetness could not aid me at all. It caused even more pain. Yes, yes, I know there all kinds of lubricants out there, but they don’t smell or taste like sex, and neither My boyfriend or I want anything to do with them. By the time you have a condom and fake juices, what’s left to enjoy!?

We spent a blissful couple of months using the not-so-recommenced pull-out method. My sex drive seemed to become normal again. My moods balanced out over some time, and I felt more alive. My breasts shrunk down to their normal size and stopped hurting entirely! And the fire between my legs was finally gone. It was indeed the birth control all along! I was free, I was happy. Even my sleep was better.

So I go into my appointment in January and to my dismay I am prescribed with pills, because what else can I do? I set my phone alarm to remind me to take them. I’ve not forgotten them thus far. But to my utter disgust, just under two weeks into taking them, last night, we go to have sex, and for no apparent reason my insides hurt, and burn. Every stroke makes it worse until I burst into tears, and jerk away. The nauseating sensation was bad enough every time I took the pill, but I will not tolerate having extremely slow sex once a week because anything else will feel like knives. That’s just ludicrous!

What good is birth control if I can’t have sex while I’m on it? What good are condoms if they turn pleasure into pain as well? I feel hopeless to please My boyfriend now, or even myself.

Needless to say, I didn’t take my pill last night. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Monday, February 18th 2008 at 3:51pm

I almost forgot to mention some other disturbing experiences since I started the pill. I've been extremely tired, and I now notice looking back on it that I slept tons better while I was off of birth control completely. I also notice that this has increased my appetite and that I've been suddenly craving foods I have not even thought about eating in a long time (like potato chips, pizza, french fries, hamburgers, chicken nuggets and white rice) and it's also made me feel this odd sort of distance from the world.

I would brush all of that off as being "all in my head" except for the fact that I didn't expect any of those things to happen, but all of those things did happen, and I couldn't figure out why, and then I suddenly realized that it all began about two days into taking the pill.

I'm not supposed to react to it for much longer than that, but then again, my mom cuts her caffeine pills into quarters, and if she takes one of those quarter-pills too late into the day she can't sleep. Let's remember than her and I share half of our genetics.

This world and it's creations often disgust me, especially at times like these. I feel poisoned.

Ups and Downs of a Teen Social Club

Thursday, February 7th 2008 at 4:30pm

Pat,

I respect what you’re saying. But what do you REALLY think I’m trying to do here? Erin is not going to be at any parties or events, he’s just renting me the location. In fact, I’ve had him stop talking to Jasmine because he obviously gives people the creeps. He’s not talking to anybody but me now. He’s not involved, he’s just renting me the space.

Second of all, what do you think I’m going to have going on at these parties? You make it sound like I’m going to let thirteen year old girls shoot coke or something. I would never allow something like that! I especially wouldn’t allow someone to try a drug out that they’ve never done before under the name of a Social Club that belongs to me. In fact, I wouldn’t let that happen in front of me anywhere!

What are you trying to imply? That this guy is going to have sex with these teens? That I’m doing to be providing crack? That’s what it sounds like to me, and there is no way in the world I’d do something like that. How are you going to try and stop me from giving kids a place to go?

What I really want is to encourage young people to vote, and to eat organic food, and to take an interest in a hobby, but I know I can’t just start with that. I’ve tried. Kids don’t come to something they think is for their education or betterment for the most part. So I’m starting with parties, and between the parties and meetings I’m sure I’ll find people I can help.

It’s better they come to a Social Club party and someone sells them some drugs, and they get trashed and are taken care of then if they show up at some stranger’s house with friends, get fucked up, raped, and wake up in a ditch. Kids are going to party, and kids will get a hold of drugs, no matter what I do or don’t do, but at least this way they’ll be fed, and housed, and have opportunities to do more with their life.

I admit that Erin is only letting me use the space to start this thing because he wants to make money off of it, but the fact that he’s ‘dirty’ as you said he is, is irrelevant even if it’s true. Because he’ll never meet the members, or even the staff. That’s my job.

If you get in the way of this I’m going to have no choice but to fight back, and it seems to me like you’re a nice guy, and on top of that, you’re Jasmine’s friend, so I’d much prefer that you were my ally, not my enemy. As I said, what do you really think I’m trying to do? You make it sound like I’m evil or something.

I love this city too. I care about the health of my generation. My generation is disgusting, and I’m going to try and get on their level, by giving them parties, and from there, after gaining their respect as the coolest party hostess, I’ll be able to really speak to them. What’s wrong with that? As if a bunch of teenagers dancing all night is bad for the city or something! For goodness sakes they’ll get some much-needed exercise and self-expression.

So please, please, please, stop flaming this operation.

Phoenix

Rocsanne,

So here's the story, and the whole story.

My boyfriend didn't ask for your number because he thinks that Raph is going to be upset. He says you were talking about having a four-some with us and stuff, sounds like good stuff. Raph doesn't look like my type, but he can have a taste of me if I can have a taste of you. :)

My friend Tina and her friends invited My boyfriend and I out to Canada to go to a strip club tomorrow night. There should be room enough (3 cars, but who knows how many people are really going) for you to come, and maybe Raph too.

How serious are you and Raph? I won't tell, you can be honest with me about anything. I'm honest about everything cause I don't have shit to hide from anybody. You'll learn that about me fast when/if we meet.

Write back soon.

~Phoenix

PS: I don’t know if you know this about me, but I don’t drink, smoke, eat sugar, etc, anymore. I care about my health too much for that stuff. So don’t let it weird you out or anything. Some people think that makes me an alien or something.

Rocsanne writes me back:

Wow, you sound amazing. i dont think raph is really into doing the whole 5 sum thing or even do anything in like that matter he wants to be serious with me and we been dating for like 4 days now. and he is afraid that i will get feeling for cor and I wont because i’ve had plenty of 3 sums a wile back...he said he would not know really what to do to be honest. When corv told me that you wanted to have your first 3 sum i was like wow your chic is totally fuckable i love goth chicks i used to be goth myself and then now im just laying down to skateboard clothing corv told me to go back to goth cuz he said that would be so awsom.but on the subject yeah honestly i think your immaculate and beautiful and yes, fuckable.

I wrote her:

I can see in my head the smile My boyfriend had.... lol. So what's good with going to a strip club (in canada) tomorrow night? And what's good with you dressing goth? And what's good with your digits?
*smooch*

PS:

Even if you did have a “feeling” for My boyfriend, he’s taken anyway. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and every time we meet a chick we both like she’s either straight or prude. I’m not really a three-some virgin, but damn-near. All my three-some experiences were lame as can be. Anyway, you’re welcome to come over. 583 W. Utica St.... Yo, if you wanna come to the club tomorrow just bring your ID and your birth certificate to Hardcore and be there at 11:00pm when he get’s out of work and you can get picked up with him.

Sunday, February 10th 2008 at 3:34pm

I’m done screaming. It’s not worth it, is it? I don’t even know what’s worth it and what isn’t! I feel like... Like... I’m helpless. How many times have I written those words?
I’m tired of... I don’t even have the strength to argue my point anymore.

Thursday, February 14th 2008 at 2:07pm

Laura,

I was looking at your photos, and I was going to leave a comment, but then as I started to write it, it got very long, and then it got personal, so I thought perhaps I should just write you instead.

You know how real friends are supposed to be honest with you? Well, I'm going to try and be a real friend and be very honest with you. You're a very, very beautiful girl. But no matter what the populous thinks, you are overweight. You have such a pretty face, and obvious assets, that if you were to slim down, you'd look like a model. And I hate to sound shallow, but I'd probably be very apt to take you home with me now and then as well if that were the case.

And I don't mean by starving yourself. Unlike other teenagers your age, you don't have the metabolism to handle eating junk food and high fructose corn syrup. The rest of them will probably gain weight, and start to lose their health in their late twenties, but for you, it'll happen sooner.

I'm telling you this because you're my friend, and I care about you. I know I'm always ranting about this health stuff, and I know it drives everybody crazy, but I rant about it because it upsets me to see people hurting themselves, especially people I care about. Especially when I know how to help, but nobody wants to listen.

If you want to heed my words, don't try to starve yourself, and don't try to change your whole diet or lifestyle at once. Just start by not eating high fructose corn syrup. It's the first and biggest step, and also the hardest for most people. If you want to take the second step as well, that is to not eat within two hours of going to sleep.

I'll see you tomorrow. :)

~Phoenix

Thursday, February 14th 2008 at 4:19pm

I haven’t been writing. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I’m reading the best fantasy book I ever read. “Breath and Bone” which is the second book in a two-book series. The first one is “Flesh and Spirit.” Incredible plot, incredible characters, incredible mysteries. It’s just wonderful.

It also has to do with the Social Club. The websites always need updating and checking, and the phones always need answering. Paper always needs sorting. Forms and flyers always need printing. Always someone to talk to, always somewhere to go. At least I’m not bored. I’m just anxious for this to start paying off tomorrow at the first party.

It’s Valentine’s day. I ought to work on doing something for My boyfriend at this point. Since I’m without a printer there isn’t much more I can do today towards tomorrow. Man it’s not good that I can’t print. It’s not good at all.

Friday, February 15th 2008 at 1:11pm

Today is going to be a rough day. About twenty five different things can go wrong, from damages to under-staffing to nobody showing up. I’m worried, but somehow, I’m also confident at the moment. Let’s see how long that lasts.

Saturday, February 16th 2008 at 5:55pm

Confidence has long since drained out of me.

It sickens me how stupid everything and everyone can be. I’ve been so long without my hobbies and projects that I hardly know where to go with them and whence I am.

Thieves. I hate thieves. Even more than I hate liars, and I hate liars a lot. Though I probably don’t hate liars as much as I hate being called a liar.

I refuse to be stressed out. Stress accelerates aging. I will warm up, I will relax. I will eat. No matter that I have no time to write this entry. No matter that I should be making phone calls, reading messages, writing messages... The floor isn’t clean. The clothes aren’t clean. This house is still a bundle of clutter. I wish I could make cleaning it up my first priority. Cleaning should be my hobby until this house is in order.

Unfortunately, right now, socializing with teenagers in the hopes of gaining revenue seems to be my hobby right now. I’m getting so that I can hardly stand it. The only socializing I can do all day, all night and still not be tired of is with My boyfriend. I have a high tolerance for my mom despite the bundle of problems surrounding her and within her. But I’m sick of Tim, the owner of the house of the social club location to the point of insanity.

I’m sick of teens that are supposedly mature, and supposedly smart who just act like bumbling idiots when it comes down to it. Oh, have I forgotten my composure? Oops.

Okay. Let’s try this again. I’m optimistic about the second party tonight despite the thievery, damages, lies, arguments, mismanagement, minimal income, and general disappointments of last night. I still believe this can be profitable and worth while.

The real problem is drugs. Nobody in Buffalo wants to do anything without drugs. I gained my popularity just under a year ago because I threw these crazy parties in my poor excuse for an apartment with rampant alcohol, weed and sometimes (though not of my doing) ecstasy as well. No one really danced, but we played music.

Everyone seemed to love them, except me. I was sick of the cleaning, sick of minding what people were doing, sick of looking out for theft, sick of preparing for it, just to pick up after it. Sick of providing. Sick of being the go-to. It was too much, and so I quit.

This same group of people who attended those parties are (pretty much) the same people who’re playing at being my staff. I say playing at, because only three, maybe four of them are worth being called staff. Tina, while being mature, is limited in what she can do, being seven months pregnant and all. (The first being a product of the latter.)

Angel being moderately trustworthy is moderately useful, but the number of claims against him makes him questionable, not to mention his extremely loud manner. There is a handful of girls I learned last night that I can’t trust worth a hill of beans. Though Laura and Megan seem to be able to do a decent job, and are at least trustworthy if not perfect staff.

And what to do about the low turn out of people? And what to do about the theft? What to do...

Monday, January 28th 2008 at 8:35am

Today is going to suck. I don’t think schools are going to let Jasmine, Ashley and I in to
post up flyers.

Monday, January 28th 2008 at 8:00pm

Today has been exhausting. Schools let us in, except for one. Some took the flyers but
said they had to be “reviewed” by the principle, meaning they likely won’t get put up. At some
schools we were able to hand them out.

Nobody showed up at the first meeting however. Not surprising in the least,
though disappointing. Everybody I know is going to be there tomorrow, so it’ll at least look like
something. Problem is, we have these arcade games coming in Thursday, and if we don’t have
anybody to use them, we’re going to be in deep shit.

The really uncool part (just as the tarot cards predicted) is that my birthday is
Wednesday. I can expect to not expect anything for that. I might take the day off at most.
My boyfriend’s ‘present’ to me was probably that he drove me to the Hyatt’s out in Clarence yesterday.
(Only yesterday? Whew, getting up so early makes the day seem last forever...) I bought new
markers to replace the colors that I’ve used up, and I bought a huge sketch pad, two paint
brushes, white paint... And... I guess that was everything. I considered buying some of the nifty
paper-stuff for my scrap-booking but I decided not to because I knew we were headed to
Wegmans afterwards. I spent sixty dollars on groceries since Mom refuses to buy the amount of
organic snack food I’d prefer to have around. Not that I spent all of that on snacks... Though I
guess you could count granola as a snack too and that would cover everything but the orange
juice.

I’m exhausted. I’m not used to this. I’m so warm and I’m afraid it might be a
fever. I have to remember this is my prime time of the year for getting sick...

I ran into Harry today (from fourth and fifth grade at Waldorf) while I was inside
City Honors. I gave him a ‘promoters packet’ so hopefully he promotes. Heh.

Wow, I’m so out of it and tired that I’m becoming very random and un-fluent. I
don’t like that. I shall now sleep or read or both.

Wednesday, January 30th 2008 at 1:36pm

I feel an odd sort of nothing about the fact that today is my nineteenth birthday. My boyfriend is at work. The snow blows in an endless-seeming wind storm. I’m wearing the pink fluffy pants and soft, tall, pink socks my mother bought me for Christmas, the pink sleeveless shirt I bought on the road-trip with Dad that says ‘Rock’ on it, with a hoddie I’ve had since the early part of High School, also pink with a thick, horizontal white stripe.

It’s a comfortable temperature. I had a good conversation with My boyfriend this
morning. The phone alarm went off at 11:00am, fifteen minutes earlier than last week, fifteen minutes earlier than the week before that. We started at 11:30am, and even that was hard. Waking up at eleven today seemed natural. I used the bathroom, and stayed awake. Contemplating forcing myself back to sleep, until My boyfriend and I wound up lost in discussion about relationships, people, our pasts, ourselves and the way things have changed and continue to change.

He tells me that the book I’ve told him he must read before we wed (Parachutes
and Kisses by Erica Gong) is doing him good. It is helping him see where he’s been immature and unreasonable. He says that he understands now that Travanti and Jeremy have made me who I am. They, much like my parents, made me the person he loves and wants to be with. So why scorn me when I recount my past experiences?

To hear him say those things is soothing. To hear him say that my stories of
Jeremy have helped him realize how futile his resistence is. I resisted too. I wanted to flirt, I wanted to fuck, I wanted to act like a slut. I wanted to ruin my reputation even worse than it already was. I desperately fought for my right to seem like I had no self-respect, to present myself in such a way that no one would respect me. And Jeremy tried to break me of that every step of the way, and for him and my love for him, I tried. I tried, and I tried, and I failed
miserably. And by the time I was finally ready, Jeremy couldn’t trust me anymore, so he broke up with me.

I’ve told this story to My boyfriend countless times. He drinks, he tries to quit,
promises to quit, and then does it again. He’ll get through a couple weeks, and then be back at it. He’ll call me the next day with promises, excuses, and swears he knows he’s done wrong. He’ll be brought close to tears, he’ll rub me, talk to me, soothe me, as a way to soothe his own ache at knowing he’s failing. I understand. I was there too. I was fourteen, and he is twenty-five, but it
makes no difference. When he was ten he could out-draw me at nineteen. When he was seven he was having sex already, and I was just born. (Maybe you, my reader, finally begin to see why I insist that My boyfriend is perfect for me. That we are one.)

He had a long and serious relationship with Brianna, but apparently she never
acted like his wife. They never truly lived together. He became attached while she detached herself. He’s still been in the state of mind that people’s pasts are erased by a new relationship, the ‘first and only love’ concept on innocence. Beautiful, but fleeting and dangerous. This morning he told me things that we like little presents by themselves. One of them being that he acquiesced (again) to marrying me in April of 2009. He’s been saying, “don’t you want to wait until you’re twenty-one?” He’s afraid that I’ll change my mind. I won’t. But then again, I can’t say that any more than anybody ever can, because things always change.

Another favorite thing he said to me this morning; “You told me I wasn’t
changing and I was like, no, no, NO, I have to be changing, I have to evolve and learn!” He told me, “I could go out an party, but that’s not going to help me, that’s not really going to have benefit. I should come home.” It brings me peace. I love that he is mine. I love that I’ve found him, or rather, that we’ve found each other. He says to me frequently, “I’m so happy that I have you,” and I agree fervently, “I’m happy you have me too!”

He believes me now. He understands me now. He believes and understands what I meant, and that I meant it when I told him a mere few weeks after we met... “The ball is in your court now,” I said. “Do you have to be so cryptic?” He said in exasperation. “I don’t know if I should, but I can’t help it. This is more control that I should give you, but it’s too late now. And to think a mere month ago I never wanted to give this to anybody after again. Not after what Tre
did.” He didn’t understand or believe then. Only now does he really see how much his actions effect me.

This morning I asked him, “How long did it take you to become the artist you are today?”

He answered, “Twenty years.”

Indeed, it did. His entire life. His sole goal. I said, “I’ve been aiming to be the
perfect girlfriend, the perfect wife, the perfect mother since I was born. When I was a young child I gave up sucking my thumb under my mother’s threat that no husband want’s a wife with crocked teeth and a thumb-sucking habit.”

Make-up, high-heels, and an incurable thirst for sex at nine? It had everything to do with wanting to be the woman of my own house-hold. I said to him, “At fourteen I moved in with my first love. I was a essentially a wife at fourteen, and what were you doing at fourteen?”

“Drawing,” he answered. I chuckled. He made my point perfectly with that
answer.

“That’s why I’m so forgiving,” I said. “I know this is new for you. And you have
no idea how happy you’ve made me these past few weeks.”

He’s blown off all the parties, including Sam’s party. He doesn’t answer the
phone half the time when El calls. He draws beside me, writes in his journal beside me, reads the book I told him he had to read. He eats and watches TV beside me. He 3D models on Maya, and he’s taught me everything he knows about computer modeling now, and now I’m learning the program further on my own. He’s helped me reboot my computer so that it runs smoother. He
went to the art store (Hyatts) on Sunday. (The one in Clarence since the one in Buffalo is closed on Sunday.) He’s been giving me forty-percent of his paycheck. He’s been listening to me, and really responding to what I’ve said, instead of throwing guesses at me. He’s been expanding his mind. He’s played Race for the Galaxy twice now with my mother and my dad.

If things remain this way, I can see us together forever without a doubt. This is
what I always wanted with a man. The wind howls today, the slow falls today, the sky is white, my room is dim, I’m using word-perfect 8 instead of 12 because I have yet to find a way to reinstall it thus far, and tomorrow I’m spending the day recruiting for the Social Club. Going to DaVinci HS, going to Spot Coffee downtown, having a third meeting at 6:00pm at our location. Friday we’re going to the Boulevard mall and to Kenmore Lanes Boweling at midnight.
Saturday we’re going to the Galleria mall. (Jasmine, Laura, Tina and I.) And yet, and yet, and yet... My heart still sings when I think of My boyfriend.

This is how love should be. This is a real relationship. Arguments should be
settled and resolved calmly. Each should bend to the other’s will. Each should adapt fully as they are capable. Each needs to be understanding, forgiving, and loving, always. Romantics should never stop. Being goofy and ‘cute’ should never stop. Affection and sex should never stop unless physically unable, and that’s where forgiveness and understanding come back into play, and adaptation comes back as well. Nourishing love is possible. Love is drama. Love is
life.

I just want a healthy body and relationship. Too much to ask?

Saturday, January 26th 2008 at 10:05pm

I keep thinking that I’ve got things under control only to find out that I’m even more lost than
before. With My boyfriend, career, and parents, and food, and everything. Let’s start with the food,
since that is really bothering me lately.

How come there is something wrong with me because I care about the health of my body? I’m really sick and tired of people looking at me sideways because I turn down soda, deserts, most snacks, and other assorted unhealthy items containing High Fructose Corn Syrup, Aspartame, Hydrogenated ‘Vegetable’ Oils, Splenda, etc. How does that make me an idiot? Not that anyone has called me an idiot because of it, but a great number of people treat me like one.

Someone said to me recently, “You only live once” in defense of drinking soda! I wanted to reach out and smack them. Instead I mumbled, exactly. You only live once. So why not live it the best you can? Why not eat the best foods you can so you can have the healthiest body that you can? What person in there right mind can talk so proudly about all the junk they eat? Apparently a lot of people can. Are they also proud of what will happen to them? Hair loss before they’re forty, maybe before they’re thirty. Intestinal holes also know as leaky gut, or irritable bowel syndrom. Nasal drip year round. Random diarrhea and constatation. Damaged immune system that can’t properly fight off minor colds. Possible brain damage. Bone loss from lack of calcium (and magnesium) combined with too much sugar intake. Sticking insulin needles in your arm every day. And the list goes on and on and on... (But don’t take my word for it, read any body by Dr. Mark Hyman.)

And you what occurred to me yesterday? What happens when I don’t want my kids eating toxins either? (When I put them on a 100% whole-food diet containing only a spattering of organic snacks.) What happens when I’m out and about with them and they’re offered desserts at a young age and I say no? I’m going to look like the bad parent. Not that I would sacrifice my child’s health to look good, but it’s still going to sting like hell to be looked down upon for doing the right thing. I want to cry every time I see a parent give their child candy. I want to scream at them “WHY ARE YOU KILLING YOUR CHILD!?!?” I want to do a lot of things that I can’t do. Even reasonably explaining everything in a mild manner in a friendly way still makes people look at me in disdain.

I understand no one wants to be lectured, but I’m not trying to lecture, I’m trying
to help, to no avail. My boyfriend, after over a year of being with me is only really beginning to see
that food does indeed affect your mood and your health (dramatically.) He might still be losing
his hair if I didn’t point out that it is a direct result of something in his diet. We discovered that
Chinese food and alcohol seem to be directly related to his hair becoming dry and brittle. Tina
believes me, but it doesn’t mean she’s going to do anything about it. And Mom, the person who
taught me to care so much about what I eat, won’t even give up her chocolate. It brings tears to
my eyes to think about it. Why doesn’t anybody care? Why is everyone content to kill
themselves slowly and painfully? Why don’t anarchists even care that they’re doing exactly what the government wants them to do? It makes me feel so alone.

After the fire my parents seemed to bond (after some struggle) in such a way that I
thought things would be different. Especially after Mary moved in and proved to be an excellent
mediator. The arguments practically stopped for a while. Now it seems like most of that
progress had backpedaled. It seems to me like Mary is often part of the argument.

When everyone thought I was pregnant there was talk of my Dad leaving. That’s
just not the sort of thing I ever want to hear, especially not when I believed I had a baby on the
way. I don’t understand how they can be together for twenty-some years, (much longer than I’ve been alive) and not find a way to resolve their disagreements. How can people so smart eat junk, argue bull-shit, and live in this constant-construction.

A pipe in the basement burst today. Mom says it’s because someone turned down
the water volume in the basement, which makes the water hotter, and therefore it burst the plastic pipe. Neither My boyfriend and I know how to do it, and I’d wager that Mary doesn’t know how either. So that leaves Dad, who of course says he hasn’t been down there in months. So who
knows what really happened.

As if we were not having enough plumbing problems with the shower. Mom has
taken apart the entire bathroom in an attempt to fix the whole thing, and to string an extra line of pipes up here so I’d have cold and hot water. (What a miracle that would be!) But it’s been
underway for over a week now, and everyone in the house is really wishing they could have a
bath, especially since it had been nearly a week when she started this project since I’d had a bath to begin with. (Seriously guys, in the winter when I barely sweat it takes me over a week to start to smell like anything at all. My feet don’t even smell in the summer time. But this really is
pushing it.)

My boyfriend and Dad however are men and men have balls, and balls stink after one
day without washing. My boyfriend has made attempts at washing up in the sink, but of course it’s
really not the same. I’ve made my attempts too, and used an awful lot of baby wipes. For my
Mom however, this is a whole other ordeal beyond using lots of wipes. She’s spending all time
that she can possibly muster working on it and having one problem after another. At this rate it
won’t be done until well into February.

I suppose I could take a bath at the location the Social Club is holding it’s
meetings (the first meeting is Monday) but that would be a little awkward. I really hate using
other people’s baths or showers. It’s hard to find the right temperature, and to keep it there, and it’s hard to get comfortable, and hard not to feel like you’re being rushed.

The Social Club is moving along more or less as expected. Jasmine and Laura and Tina are helping me just about all that they each can. I really hope there is a good turn-out
on Monday, otherwise I might look really stupid. Well, I suppose Laura, Chris, the two girls
Laura is supposed to bring and Tina will look like something. Presumably Nina (if one can ever
contact her) will be there, and she’ll bring at least a couple people. Jasmine will be at the
Tuesday meeting. So that is running it’s course at the moment, despite all of it’s hang-ups.

My boyfriend however, had an argument with me over the phone just a little while ago however. He wants to go out tonight. Him going out tonight I see as the beginning to everything just fucking up all over again. I’m not exactly sure that I’m doing this right, still. He seems to think I threatened to break up with him if he goes out tonight. That’s not at all what I meant. I was trying to say that I felt that him going out means that he’s never going to commit to me, which means break-up will come closer to being inevitable.

That thought is painful.

To Move, or Not To Move?

Wednesday the 19th of January, 2008.

It is 8:41pm at the moment.

Arrin is now my advisor for creating my Social Club. I’m so excited. I’ve spent the last hour messaging local teens on myspace. I’ve got Tina, Jasmine, Laura and Chris (Laura’s new boyfriend) on board. This should be an interested experience.

Today Laura & Chris and Tina came over. We played ‘Race for the Galaxy’ together, which was fun. I had to teach the three of them to play. Mom and I learned how to play from Asa last night, and we played two rounds. Then after picking My boyfriend up, mom and I taught My boyfriend how to play.

I’m so pleased with how everything is going. Jasmine and Tina are probably coming over again Tuesday. (Jasmine came over Thursday.) I’ve never had so many people over so often like these past few days, but they’re all going to help me promote the Social Club. I gave Tina two packets, one to give to her younger sister, and one to give to Jodi. (At least I think she said Jodi was the girl who is still in High School who might want to promote.) Jasmine says she already has like thirty people’s names down.

So far, it’s looking good. In other related news, tomorrow, Tina, My boyfriend and I are going to go look at Arrin’s house, where Tim is still living. Scott was kicked out because he (aparently) is a dirty thief. Saundra is no longer in the picture whatsoever because she wanted to devote her time to schooling. Tim has an apartment in the house on the second floor. A young woman will security money of some sort coming it, (her name might be Mara but I can’t remember) is taking the first floor apartment (which was Arrin’s apartment, but he moved into a near-by hotel for the time being) and she’ll be covering most of the utilities with her payments. Tim will probably cover more than the rest of them. Tina, My boyfriend and I could move into the attic, which is highly spacious for an attic, and includes closets and a bathroom. We’d have use of the first-floor grand kitchen (as we’ll also have use of for Social Club meetings) and such.

For Tina it’s probably a sure-go. She really wants out of her parent’s house, and she has a baby on the way. (She’s six months pregnant.) For My boyfriend and I there are complications. It’s farther away from My boyfriend’s work, though not that much farther, but it is a significant amount. It would mean attaining our own groceries somehow. Hm, let me just list the pros and cons separately so I can think about it some more...

Pros:

I’d get to spend a lot more time with Tina

I could baby-sit Tina’s baby and get baby experience

I could make extra cash baby-sitting Tina’s baby

I wouldn’t have to travel at all to Social Club meetings

I could easily host Mary Kay meetings and open-houses whenever I wanted

I would have more space

Cons:

I’d have to travel to see my parents

My mom wouldn’t be receiving our rent money

I’d have to figure out how we’d get groceries

I’d have to move a lot of stuff

I wouldn’t want to abandon the attic I’ve built my self and have lived in for over two years

My boyfriend would have to walk farther to work

The house is haunted

I’m extremely nervous about moving anywhere

So that pretty much covers it. It’s a lot to consider. And I’ve realized that My boyfriend and I could not afford to continue paying four-hundred a month in rent if we lived there. Our four hundred covers our food, and phone bill. We also have a DVR box, high-speed internet, and the groceries are bought and brought home for us. I have no idea how I’d manage groceries for both him and I out of his income after four hundred dollars. So that’s another thing I need to bring up with Arrin.

Arrin, my mom and I, and perhaps some other girls that I guess Arrin has recruited for the Social Club are meeting up Monday. So we’ll be able to work out more details then.

In other news, my shoulder pain is almost gone and I seem to have just barely dodged getting sick, which is a good, because being sick right now would not be good at all!

Times a' Changin'

Wednesday the 16th of January, 2008.

It is 1:03pm at the moment.

I’m not feeling particularly energetic this morning. Perhaps it has to do with getting to sleep around five in the morning. Or perhaps it has to do with Mary’s birds wailing constantly for over an hour this morning. Either way, I hurt darn-near everywhere.

I could blame it on the small bit of non-organic chicken I ate last night. Could it be related to the burps and stomach pains I had last night? When I ate the organic chicken, I didn’t have a problem at all. Is the amount of steroids in the meat effecting me that much?

Everything else I ate yesterday were things that never give me problems. Water, potatoes, lima beans, rice-crisps, pistachios, and organic granola with rice milk mixed with almond milk. The only item out of place was the drum-stick of chicken I ate, skin still attached. I also ate off the ends of the bone and sucked the marrow. I need as much calcium as I can get, you know.

But perhaps that was a bad idea. The stricter I get with my diet the more healthy I feel. And organic eggs really do seem to be more filling and tasty. That could be mostly in my head, but chickens who get exercise, are not fed steroids, but instead, good food, probably do have healthier eggs, right?

It is 4:27pm at the moment.

I’m pondering a large number of things at the moment. Moving in somewhere with Tina. Selling things on e-bay. Fixing the attic. Marrying My boyfriend. Becoming the coordinator, director and designer of a teen social club for western new york. Rereading Flesh & Spirit soon so that I can finally start the second book which I believe has already come in the mail. My boyfriend’s Tattoo Flash endeavor. It’s an awful lot to ponder all at once, and even more to try and compile into some organized, well-reasoned, point-oriented entry.

Wednesday the 18th of January, 2008.

It is 3:20pm at the moment.

I’ve been reading My boyfriend’s old entries and I realize that a large problem we had was simply my talking to Tre over the phone. It made him bottle an anger he wasn’t quite sure he should have or not. It made him question if he was good enough. It made him question if I wanted him or not. Sadly I realize now that even though I didn’t sleep with Tre again after he moved and everything, or anyone else for that matter, it still wasn’t enough. The fact of the matter is, men need to be the one and only man. Some women can handle being one of two, but I don’t think any man really can.

Just talking about Tre was too much. I realize now that a lot of the things he was doing was simply acting like he was single, because he didn’t feel like I was serious. He laughed me and my words off for so long. It’s only after being loyal in words, actions, and mind for several months that he’s finally become stumped as to what I could be doing wrong in our relationship.

He says to me now that he wants to stay in with me, that he doesn’t want to drink anymore, ever. It’s not him just bending to my will, it’s his will changing because of what he believes is true between him and I. He said to me last night, "It would be such a waste for two people as good together and right for each other as you and I to be separated on the account of bitch ass niggas."

Perhaps that wasn’t his exact words, but I’ll guarantee he’d agree to that wording.