Angel,
I've been thinking about you quite a bit today. I realized that you're the closest thing to a friend I have right now. You cared enough about what I was saying to look up the Gwen video and youtube and watch it. I don't think I know anyone else who ever has the time to care that much, and even if they did, they still wouldn't. I feel like the world is ignoring me. My blog readers are disappearing. My parents don't treat me like a kid, or pay attention to me like other either, and have stepped back to let me do as I please. Crusifer has so little time for me. I feel isolated. Though most of our e-mails from the beginning were me playing the older and wiser girl with more relationship experience, you were helping me as much as I was helping you. Being able to pass on my newly learned relationship experiences to you has given me validation and an added outlet for my emotions and even another excuse to write down my thoughts and feelings. And I think all women can identify with needing emotional outlets and excuses to write down how they really feel.
I feel really heart sick today and I'm not really sure why. I think I feel alone, but I'm not sure. But thinking about you makes me feel like someone out there cares. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you writing me back time and time again, and keeping contact over so much time. Perhaps someday we'll really meet (and then runaway from everyone and start a new life somewhere far away from the mean, cruel world).
Love Phoenix
I want to stick a fork through his ear. I shouldn’t be too surprised. He can’t go one week without breaking a promise. He can’t go one week without saying I’m full of shit. He can’t keep one compromise for one week. He can’t quit drinking for me. I’m not worth it to him, and he’s starting to look less and less worth it to me. I had (foolishly) given him back his ring Sunday, way to early. I meant to take it back from him that night, but he was so delighted that I couldn’t. Now I feel like an idiot.
He hasn’t called once today. I called him three times in a row at 11:15pm and he finally answered on the third time. He sounded distinctly drunk. He told me he was already home (at least that was what it sounded like) and that he’d see me in a minute. I went downstairs and walked outside and he most certainly was not there. I called back about six times, no answer, just like the rest of the day.
Now I pretty certain that he’s been out, and not at work. That he didn’t come home to me like he said. Forget working on our office together as we had planned. Forget rejoicing about finally having a tub that works... Oh here he is.
Oh that makes me so mad. He walks in, grabs money, and waltzs back out without a hug or anything and he reeks of alcohol. My chest is vibrating so intensely I can damn near hear it. I want to crush his skull. It might not be officially over for quite some time, but I can tell, at the heart of it, it’s over. Clearly, his actions out-weigh his words, and his actions spell inconsideration, and a serious lack of compassion.
I’m too pissed to even be upset. Betrayed. How could I have given my heart to another ass hole? How could I have fallen in love with another guy who can only break my heart over and over? Is it so blissful to sit beside him drawing that I can endure this? In the moment of agony, who can ever believe there was ever happiness? Happiness is like a passing dream that you must wake from. And when in the mist of such blissful contentment, who can believe the past sorrows were anything but nightmares you had yet to overcome?
Is it better to balance my pain by remembering my happiness? And to balance my happiness remember my pain? Wouldn’t it be hypocritical to only remember happy times when you’re sad?
1:51am
Me: How is your life going?
Miruna: Rather well. Yours?
Me: Mine was going rather well and still is. All except for my relationship.... Which seems to be crumbling around the edges.
Miruna: Oh?
Me: You still with that girl you were with the last time I spoke to you?
Miruna: Yes. Things are going well. She has taken a position as a contributing editor in the local paper.
Me: That's awesome. I'm glad to hear your life is looking up, when we first spoke you seemed to be in a rough patch in life.
Miruna: Life is rough. But I am prepared for that roughness.
Me: Heh, I hear you there. I'm preparing myself for heart-break, falling in love and repeat. Since that seems to be my two year pattern. I'm at a year and a half right now. And I'm ironically feeling about the same way I did last time I was 1 year and a half into a relationship....
Miruna: Perhaps you should change the pattern.
Me: What? By leaving him six months early? Or by marrying him? Or by staying single and forgetting about men? By turning to women? (kidding, kidding... actually, I suppose I'm more serious than I actually sound... come to think of it.)
Miruna: How do you mean?
Me: I mean I'm seriously considering all of those things mentioned to break the pattern. I'm also considering the fact that this pattern might not be as bad as I think. I've learned a lot from each of these relationships. It's just the break-up that sucks. And I feel like I can't save this one, even though I'm still trying to.
Miruna: Do you want to save it?
Me: Yes, badly, but I feel like I want this more than he does. Either I want it more, or I just know how to show it more.
Miruna: Men generally need to feel useful and needed. This is not always convenient if someone cares about a man, but is independent and does not need anything. Ideally, people in a relationship should not actually need each other, otherwise one of them will eventually resent the other since they have little choice but to be together.
If you want to continue your relationship with him, you might find ways of either showing him how much you need him [if that's true] or hiding how little you need him [if that's true].
Me: He's just so unromantic. And on top of it, he's not the most talkative either. Even with so much in common it's hard to make a relationship without romance and more constructive conversation. >>I've tried showing him how much I need him, in fact, I couldn't help but show him because I get so emotional about everything. I thought things were improving ever since then, but today I'm not so sure. I think he's falling back on how much I need him, and using it as an excuse to not improve our relationship... But I'm not sure how to not need a man... It's a bad habit of mine...
Miruna: There are different ways to express need. Speech does not seem like his strong suit. Try showing him without words. Perhaps simply needing him for transportation might help, or 'getting a headache' or other minor ill that he could try to remedy. The point is largely to give him a goal to work towards, having him do something, and letting him know that it worked. Or, you could address your need for men generally. I do not need women. I enjoy the company and friendship of a particular woman, but if we could no longer be together, I would manage well enough, and would likely remain single until I found another person whose company I enjoyed.
Me: I think the other way around must be what this relationship needs. Because I do rely on him for my aches and pains and transportation... Perhaps my dependancy is unattractive to him on a subconscious level? He always says to me that he wants me as I am. It's really me who is dissatisfied with him I guess. And that's what makes me mad, is that I feel like I'm the one whose being cheated, and I feel like I put mor effort into the relationship.
Miruna: Unlike men, women want to see evidence of sacrifice, of someone giving something up for them. He does not seem to sacrifice enough for your preference. He might be unaware that you want him to sacrifice something, or if he is, he might not know how much you want him to sacrifice. Or he might simply be unwilling to sacrifice much. It seems that if you want to preserve your relationship under those conditions, you can do two things, and they are not exclusive of each other, so you should try both. Firstly, you could find a way to let him know both that you want him to give something up and that he hasn't given up enough. Words might be a bad idea for this, so find some other way to give him the message. Secondly - and this will be hard - you could find a way to reduce your desire for him to sacrifice for you. Then his current level of sacrifice will hopefully prove sufficient.
Me: I find it miraculous (and comforting) that you're telling me to take the steps that I have taken. I have told him all that i want him to sacrafice explicitly -- drinking is the main one. Also, I want him to keep his promises. He never does what he says he's going to do and this drives me crazy. I had proposed to him about six months ago, when things got worse about a week ago I took the engagement ring away from him. That got the message pretty clear. But tonight he did all the things he promised not to. On the second note though, you're right, that is really hard
Miruna: It is also guaranteed to work.
Me: I've considered that, and I have compromised with him to point where I feel like I'm cutting off my nose. I told him he could go out Fridays and Saturdays as long as he wanted, on two conditions, that he spend his day off with me and that he stop drinking. And he said that was fine, but hasn't stuck to it at all. Compromise is not what it seems. Compromise [where you give up something to get something] gets an unfairly good reputation because it sounds like it should fix everyone's problems, but it cannot. It just shifts problems around, make some big problems medium-sized, and some small problems medium-sized. It does not make things better.
Me: That is a really good point
Miruna: What works better is to state what you want, listen to what the other person wants, and work together to fix problems, not by giving things up, but by solving a problem. Not all problems can be solved, but it is better than breaking even.
Me: I feel like these problems shouldn't be so serious (because he's not getting drunk all the time or something like that) but the fact that he keep promising to completely quit for me, and then doing it anyway is so heart breaking
Miruna: That is not a problem. It is only a misstatement. He promises you not to drink. If he keeps his promise, he has sacrificed something for you, making you happy. However, on a basic, intuitive level, he does not care about giving things up for you because he does not see how giving things up could make another person happy. It would not make him happy for you to give something up for him. That gesture would not have meaning. It would be as though you told him he had very glimmish eyes. He does not know what that means, so he would ask. But in the language of sacrifice, he cannot form a question if you sacrifice something for him. He can only try to intellectually appreciate it.
Miruna: This sounds bad, but there is hope.
Me: I feel like the hope is floating away.
Miruna: As a man, he still wants to feel needed. He will not be able to translate your desire for him to drink less into a need he can fulfill unless there is a concrete step he can take to start.
1:53am
Me: You around?
Nathan: yes. Are you? [doom]
Me: How are you doin?
Nathan: I'm okay, I suppose. Except we had to have one of my cats euthanized the other day. Other than that, same-old/same-old
Me: You in Buffalo these days?
Nathan: Yes, as soon as everybody's figured out I'm in Buffalo I'll probably wind up going somewhere else again, but as of now I have no actual plans to
Me: I see. I'd say "let's hang out" but I have no idea what we would do. Probably talk for a long time.
Nathan: perhaps. Yeah, we could do that
Me: What do your hobbies include these days?
Nathan: Gaming, like always. City of Heroes, primarily
Me: Never played that. Not yet anyway. I've been playing FFXI as of late. Ever played Final Fantasy XI?
Nathan: No, haven't played any of them since 6 and the only one I liked was 3, but even that had a stupidly hard final boss that I never managed to beat
Me: I never played the old ones myself, lol. I'm not usually into the role playing scene. FFXI is only bearable because it's online with a ton of people. If it was offline I wouldn't consider playing it for a moment.
Nathan: Depends on whether the story is any good, for me, though game-play is important, too.
Me: I never like the stories
Nathan: You've just never played any with good stories. as a rule, Final Fantasy games have sucky stories, and so do MMORPGs. for that matter, the only ones that are really any good that I can think of are the Geneforge games and SepterraCore
Me: Actually, I do like the two thrones. That has a pretty cool story.
Nathan: for that matter, it would be nice if there were a better name for the sort of game where you participate in a story, as distinct from the sort of game where you actually play a role
Me: I know exactly what you mean. You have a girlfriend yet? Or are you just gonna play solo your whole life?
Nathan: Silly female, thinks getting a girlfriend is easy. well, it might be, if I decided to put any actual effort into it
Me: Well. No. Not easy persay. It does require effort. Of course, most of the guys.... Actually, all of the guys who have dated me never put any effort into it. I should make the next guy (if there is a next guy) work harder for it.
Nathan: Hmm-m-m. I'm much too passive. Too non-confrontational.
Me: I'm aware of that, lol. You got my virginity solely because I was so freaking horny, LOL
Nathan: a-yep
Me: That's completely worn off. I'm way to normal these days.
Nathan: That's good, I suppose
Me: Yeah, not useful though, now that I finally have a sex-maniac boyfriend... -_- It figures I'd finally get the nimpho after all my excessive hormones have worn off
Nathan: that would be a problem, yes
Me: If I had met him around the time we broke up... That would have rocked. And I would have ended up sleeping with a lot less guys. *sigh*
Nathan: good to experience many different people, though
Me: True. In reality, I wouldn't take any of it back (except for a few side-lays that were totally ... yucky) because each relationship that lasted a couple months or more taught me a hell of a lot
Nathan: yes, given the chance, I'd take a do-over on my last relationship, but that's about it
Me: Oh yeah? What was your last relationship like?
Nathan: well, put it this way: she was perfect, except almost every word that came out of her mouth was a lie, so until I discovered that, and for that matter for some time afterward, I was in love with her.
Me: That sucks. :(
Nathan: yes
Me: The guy I have now ought to be perfect, but he can't keep a promise. Or stick to a compromise, or stick to anything at all. Well, he managed to work everyday, it's just sticking to things with me that he can't do
Nathan: Well, you're demanding that he change, and I've never known people to actually change when told to. spontaneously, yes. because they want to, sometimes, once in a blue moon. because somebody else wants them to? never. but that's just my experience. your mileage may vary
Me: I've seen people change, but more due to heart break than due to love. Tre changed dramatically when I dumped him. And I changed dramatically when Jeremy dumped me. And from what Crusifer says he changed a lot after Brianna dumped him
Nathan: well, maybe when I say 'spontaneously' I really mean 'unpredictably'
Me: Well I've come to think of changes brought about by break ups as very predictable.
Nathan: do people always change in the same way when broken up with?
Me: No, they don't
Nathan: but that wasn't what I originally meant by 'unpredictably', but I'm willing to pretend it was. a nasty breakup with somebody they love, okay, that's a catalyst for change
Me: Yeah, the being heartbroken is key, not the break up it self
2:30am
Miruna: Try telling him you would like him to drink only [some given amount] of alcohol during some period of time. The smaller the amount and the shorter the period, the better. Make sure the amount is an amount he will think of as 'not enough'. Then bargain until he agrees to drink some amount that is less than he drinks now, but close to what you would actually like. Again, the initial amount should be very small, so you can bargain up to something reasonable. Then, the first time he follows his agreement, tell him how very proud you are of his achievement. That is an important word, 'achievement'. Not what he has given up for you, but how he has succeeded. Not how happy you are with his reduced drinking, but how proud you are that he succeeded.
Me: Initially I was against doing something like that, but I tried that out of desperation some months ago. We agreed on no more than two beers. But I have not been able to get him under two beers. But I suppose the important part of that would be telling him how proud I was of his success. Instead all I did was focus on how I wanted him to quit entirely...
Miruna: Why should he quit entirely?
Me: Because he acts like a moron when he's drunk, much worse than most people. if he drinks more than two beers he loses his memory of what happens completely and he gets violent and angry. After the first half beer he is agitated, and easy to annoy, and then starts trying to make me have sex with him, which would be fine if he was sober... But I hate having sex with him when he smells like beer. And he acts very odd and unattractive after he has been drinking. He repeats himself and loses all ability to be rational after a beer and a half. And besides all of that, a year ago I made it clear to him I would not marry someone who drank at all, so now it's partly principle to insist that he quit. What can I possibly do from here? If I just accept things as they are... I'm not sure if I'll be better or worse off.
Miruna: Perhaps you should ask yourself some questions. These questions are not advice or criticism. They are to help you make certain you understand the root level of who you are and what you want in life. You do not need to tell me the answers because they are for you. Why do you want to marry? Whatever the answer is, ask why that should be so, until you have the most basic cause you can reach. Why will you not marry a person who drinks? Many people drink and behave themselves well. Would a well-behaved drinker be less desirable than a poorly-behaved non-drinker? How poor could a person's behavior be and still be good enough to make them more desirable than a well-behaved drinker? Why is your principle so important? Could your initial principle have been mistaken? Or could it have been appropriate at the time, and no longer appropriate now? And why follow principle if it does not make you happy, and it would harm no one to ignore principle?
Me: Are people more intelligent in Japan or something? No one I've spoken to has been able to talk to me so intellectually about this before. Those most certainly are all the right questions, and I will have to consider each of them for a good deal of time before I can answer anyway. :)
Miruna: In the meantime, from your description, his behavior is not that of a normal person. He might have a medical condition, such as a weak liver. Here in Japan, drinking is a national passtime. Some people here have weak livers. They usually count themselves lucky because they know that they have weak livers, and they can get enjoyably drunk from just a single beer. They do not push their limits, even though that limit is low. Other people need much more alcohol to get drunk, and so they drink more. He might simply need to find his boundary.
Me: Well, three beers is most certainly when the memory thing happens
Miruna: Well, those questions are just related to questions I ask myself all the time. I'm training to become the new Systems Analyst here, and one of the most essential tasks [perhaps the most important of all] is to ask a chain of questions until you can gain no new information.
Me: And everyone here drinks too. It's not just in japan, lol
Miruna: Believe me. Americans have no idea what drinking is.
Me: I love asking myself all the tough questions. Most people can't give me a question I have not asked myself yet, but you just did.
Miruna: I hope they help.
Me: I think I want to marry mostly because I want kids and a family of my own. And I don't want the father in the family to drink not just for me, but for the children's example
Miruna: At any rate, his behavior while drunk is troubling. Alcohol cannot ever actually be a motive. 'That is just the beer talking' is nonsense. Instead, that is the beer stopping someone from closing their mouth when they normally would. So, his behavior while 'drunk' [and I am not sure if he is in fact drunk] is likely a display of how he would behave if he was not concerned for the consequences, for example, you ending your relationship with him.
Me: Which would imply that deep down he thinks very little of me and of life and of everyone
Miruna: A possible explanation might be that he is not in fact drunk [though he might think he is], and he wishes to behave a certain way without having to be thought of as responsible for his behavior. So, pretending to be drunk [and perhaps thinking that he is drunk], he behaves as he pleases, and lets others assume that he is only acting as he does because he is drunk. You can see this behavior in people to whom you give fake drugs when they expect they have taken a real drug. This is why drug trials need to use placebos: if you need to test a drug's effects, you also need to test the drug against a 'drug' that does nothing, but convinces the patient that it does something.
Me: Hm. That's a good thought. I wish I could get him fake beer.
Miruna: You could.
Me: When he actually gets drunk - like when he's past three beers he becomes outright dangerous and scary... He peed on the floor deliberately one time while drunk. He claims not to remember anything that happened that night at all. I could?
Miruna: Yes. They make non-alcoholic and low-alcohol beer in America.
Me: Hm. I'm already talking about 5-8% beers. *sigh* I'm not sure a non-alcoholic beer would really trick him though, since alcohol itself has sucha distinct flavor and feeling.
Miruna: Well, some non-alcoholic drinks are very convincing.
Me: I suppose if I could find one, and then let him think that I'm letting him drink that it might answer a couple questions and solve the problem at once
Miruna: Sorbitol, for example, tastes like alcohol because it is a kind of alcohol. It just does not get a person drunk.
Me: I've read that on a lot of labels before
Miruna: Have you ever known him to drink more than five beers consecutively, or drink some other drink that should be as strong as five or so beers?
Me: It's used in all sorts of drinks
Miruna: It is. It often convinces people on a pre-rational level that they are enjoying a 'big people's' beverage, even if there's no alcohol.
Me: No, he can't handle anything harder than a beer, he'll become drunkenly lost within half an hour with anything stronger than a beer. The time he peed on my floor he had eight beers.
Miruna: Well, try giving him the non-alcoholic beer, or give him low-alcohol beer and see if it takes him longer to change his behavior.
Me: I will try. But somehow I just feel that if we do get this alcohol thing out of the way that we'll find a deeper problem in our relationship. Either that, or the beer is causing a deeper problem.
Miruna: Well, while the beer cannot cause a 'deeper problem', I think you are right that something else is underneath the beer issue. I think it is likely that he likes getting away with things you would not normally tolerate, and as long as he can get away with this behavior, he will be satisfied. But if this behavior is something that no right-thinking person would permit, then you are fully justified in expecting to not need to put up with it.
Me: That's the really tough part. None of his friends mind how he acts when he is drinking/drunk. It's only me that it bothers, but that's because I'm sober, and they're always drunk. At least, I think that is why.
2:30am
Nathan: growing and learning and gaining experiences (of which heartbreak is perhaps a subset) can also cause change. biological changes resulting from adolescence/puberty/growing cause mental change, but that ends once you stop growing
Me: Right
Nathan: but my original postulate remains: people don't change because their significant other wants them to
Me: My grandfather quit drinking for my grandmother
Nathan: fine, throw a counterexample at me why don't you. [considers] Well, the changes you want from Crusifer seem to be pretty sweeping. You seem to want him to abandon his friends and his entire lifestyle in favor of a new lifestyle centered around you. One thing at a time might be more doable.
Me: True. Which is why I offered to him to go out twice a week but to quit drinking. But he hasn't stuck to it at all
Nathan: out of curiosity, do you (or have you tried) allow him to come up with compromises on his own that he thinks he could follow, or do you come up with them and then just get him to promise to abide by them? maybe that's not purely out of curiosity, maybe it's also a suggestion if it's not already your policy
Me: I tried getting him to come up with his own ideas, but he wouldn't. So I just suggest them and ask if they are acceptable
Nathan: This may be key. Probably not, but maybe. He's probably the best judge of what he can realistically abide by, so when you try to get him to come up with a compromise he can live with, he comes up with nothing because there is no compromise he can live with. When you come up with them, perhaps he agrees to them with the intention of honestly trying and then he simply fails to live up to his promises because he made promises he cannot keep.
Me: That pretty much sums it up I bet. He doesn't really want to quit, though sometimes he says he does.
Nathan: He probably wants to want what you want, that is, he wants to want to quit, but he does not actually want to quit.
Me: That makes sense
Nathan: So he promises because of that, but to quit things like drinking or whatever, you have to genuinely want to quit, not just want to want to quit.
Me: Exactly. Like sex, you can't just want to want sex, you have to want it
Nathan: much of what I know about addictions I learned from Infinite Jest, which would have you believe that to break an addiction, you have to have been completely destroyed by it and to need to quit with every fibre of your being. It may not need to be that drastic, but the principle is the same.
Me: I agree. That's what it took for me to quit drinking and smoking weed
Nathan: Right. So we've diagnosed the problem, but there may not even be a solution.
Me: Especially since he's down to drinking little enough that he feels that it's not a problem
Nathan: Right
Me: That's why I'm in such a quandary. It's like either give up (leave him) or give up (stop caring).
Nathan: Sometimes giving up is all you can do. Unless there is some way to make him want to quit for himself, but that probably falls back under the 'change that is unlikely to happen barring outside catalysts' category
Me: Precisely
Nathan: On the one hand: when in doubt, stick with him, you might be able to tolerate it after all and if you dump him you won't get another chance. On the other hand: if in doubt, it's probably not perfect so you should dump him before you pour too many resources into him and find somebody who is perfect. On the third hand: There's no such thing as perfection. I mean, statistically, out of seven billion people, it is extremely likely that there is at least one person who is completely perfect for you in every way, but even if you met a new person every second, it would take 221 years to go through 7,000,000,000 people. If my calculations are correct, which they may not be. And obviously by then the entire original batch will have died and been replaced several times over by much larger new batches! also you're unlikely to live that long, but that's a piddling little concern. I think I have gone somewhat off-message. Too bad I can't remember what the message originally was.
Me: Who cares, I'm laughing. I like laughing. And I meet a new person like once a month.... That's only 12 a year
Nathan: More often than I do, but at that rate that's half a billion years. The earth will probably last that long, though humanity probably won't
Me: heh heh
3:00am
Miruna: Lucky for you, you do not need to worry about whether you are overreacting.
Me: I don't?
Miruna: Unfortunately, he must either no longer want to behave this way, or you must not see him anymore. That may sound unnecessarily extreme, but think about it like this: He likes behaving a certain way. Whether it's because he is drunk or whether he pretends to be drunk for an excuse, he still likes to behave this way. You do not like this behavior.
His desire to behave in this way is unsatisfied if he behaves as you want him to, but you will not be happy if he behaves the way he wants to. People always find ways to get the things they want, if they want them badly enough. He wants to behave the way he does badly enough to risk you leaving him, even though he takes steps to keep you from wanting to leave him. He is walking a fine line, in other words. If he keeps walking this line, you will not have what you want [freedom from this behavior] and he will not have what he wants [the freedom to behave as he pleases]. So he can either change his desires [NOT his behavior], or you can change yours. Or you can leave him. Any other arrangement will be 'compromise', which we have seen is unsatisfactory.
Me: I see your point perfectly. You think I should explain it to him the same way?
Miruna: Unfortunately for both of you, changing one's desires is hard. It often involves a change in awareness, which usually requires unlearning something.
Me: Unlearning typically being harder than learning
Miruna: Absolutely not. Not unless you can either use exactly the words I have [see how I never said anything was anyone's fault?] or unless you want to deliver an ultimatum to him. Ultimatums are rarely helpful, and an ultimatum will not induce either of you to change your desires. So what was the only other option? See why explaining this would be bad?
Me: I see what you mean. Perhaps opening a dialogue with, "I think one of us needs to change our desires in order for this relationship to satisfy both of us."
Miruna: Worded differently, that might be a start. But you have to word it differently. "One of us" will sound to him like "You". But, if you can strictly use language that does not assign blame or responsibility, you still have to be careful. He will want to know why he should even change his behavior in the first place. What evidence do you have that his 'drunk' behavior is abnormal, and what justification do you have for not wanting to tolerate such behavior?
Miruna: Also, why should he change his desires? Why shouldn't you change yours?
Me: Well, too late for me not to say those things. I've already tried the "you drinking makes me miserable" and "you should quit because I feel like you are choosing drinking over me which makes me feel worthless"
Miruna: I do not mean that you should not say you dislike his behavior. I only mean that you should have a reason that either convinces him, or at least shows him that you are so convinced that he cannot argue it with you.
Me: I'm sure I can get him to agree to almost anything in words, but how can I make him translate his words into his actions? I wish I could get him to stop agreeing and promising things if he's only going to not follow through time after time
Miruna: He likely either thinks that you are overreacting, or that your reaction does not matter. I cannot guess which one he thinks, so be careful in your reasoning.
Me: Probably a little of both, but more so on the overreacting
Miruna: Well, you are right. Sound arguments only go so far. However, his actions seem to stem from his desires, which is typical of most actions. He may have conflicting desires, and which ever desire or cluster of desires is strongest at any given moment will likely govern his behavior.
Me: He says to me "why does it matter so much?" pretty often. Ah - that's the key - the given moment. At that given moment he desires the drink, and forgets about me, perhaps? Forgets his promises conveniently? Or perhaps I just want to think that.
Miruna: Please wait a moment.
Me: Sure, I'm beginning to actually get tired. It's about time, being that it's 3:30am
Miruna: I do not think it is a conflict between his desire for alcohol and his desire for pleasing you. I suspect he may have a desire to express power. He likely also has a desire to continue to express power in a meaningful way. He likely does not consciously recognize either of these desires, even though he has them.
Miruna: If his priority is self-interest, he will behave as though his priority is NOT self-interest, to the extent that it benefits his self-interest. So he is as kind as he needs to be.
Me: He doesn't like to recognize his emotions much in general. It's amazing he's come far enough to admit that he "needs" me. I think I've made him depressed with all my antics lately, which may be partly the cause for his actions today. I suppose a bigger hurdle than the drinking is that I really don't know how he really feels. I've assumed that it is a conflict between me and the beer, but you're right, it probably isn't about the beer or me. Since he's an artist, and he has a very slender and small frame for a man expressing his manliness can be hard for him. At least, he thinks it's hard. No one really doubts his masculinity but him. That is, if he indeed does doubt it? Perhaps he just feels the need to show power like you said... Not because he thinks he lacks power, but he thinks other people don't know that he has power...
Miruna: Or because power is fun. Which it is. There are different kinds of power, only a few of which involve inconveniencing or harming people, and only a few more that involve people at all. But they are all necessary to our psychological well-being. Apparently, he does not derive enough enjoyment out of his power as an artist, so he seeks and exercises power in other ways. If he does not reorient his priorities [such as the happiness of people other than himself, justice, reasonability, et cetera] he will behave as he does now.
I think I may have overreacted Wednesday night (in the wee early hours of Thursday). I thought Crusifer had left work early and gone to hang out with his friends. Turns out that he stayed after work and (according to him) smoked half a bowl of weed and “sipped” on one beer. I can’t blame him for not calling me the hectic happenstance of some idiot tattoo artist who doesn’t follow hygiene regulations that are to prevent customers from getting HIV, hepatis and other blood spread diseases. The man lives in Niagra Falls and claimed to work for Hardcore tattoos (which he doesn’t now, and never has) on the six o’clock news!
Channel two, four and seven news all broadcast this to all of western New York without checking the sources! So of course all sorts of people come to the shop and start cursing them out. The owner is up in arms, and calling the news stations. The employees are confused and discuss the matter in depth and discover that no one that works there has ever even met the guy once. The news stations (all the three of them) come to the shop after the insistence of the owner and they interview the owner and employees. They show this on the eleven o’clock news which is all well and good, but who watches the news twice in one day? Hardly anyone!
They actually interviewed Crusifer, but only the owner’s interview (about two seconds of it) was put on the air. On top of this El (according to Crusifer) was being an ass-hole (probably due to his recent issues with his girl-friend Connie which I heard about also second-hand from Crusifer in vaguest of vague detail) and calling Crusifer a sucker or a pussy or something for not coming out to hangout with them. Which, by the way, he’s been not doing by choice since I told him he ought to go out on Fridays and Saturdays... (Oh wow, I just noticed it’s a Friday, not that he’ll go out, I understand his patterns better and better.) Instead, he stays at work once a week to smoke a blunt (and to sip a beer – though he still claims that he is going to quit and that he wants to quit) and doesn’t call me.
I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I’ve swung back and forth between being royally pissed, blissful happy, utterly disappointed, to completely contented too many times to know how I really feel. The pros are so large, and the cons are so unacceptable.
One large pro I realized this morning is how wonderful it is to wake up to a cup of tea, kisses, and then to be pulled out of bed, brought into the bathroom, and kept company while I brush my teeth and wash my face (and take my morning piss). I also realized how hard it would be to train a new man to do such a thing. Getting to sleep and getting up have been difficult for me since I was nine. I’ve used everything from night lights, to sleep assisting pills, to alarm clocks, to stuffed animals, to morning meals, to men and to sex, (and believe it or not about three times as many more techniques) to get myself to sleep and to get myself up.
I hate both. I love sleeping. It’s just getting to sleep that is so blasted hard, which is almost as hard as getting up.
But anyway, the point I detoured from is that Crusifer was under a lot of stress. He’s afraid for his relationship with me, and with his friends and with his career all at once. I tried to be understanding, but I was so miserable, and so afraid for my life, and so focused on my needs that I couldn’t see through the fact that he wasn’t drugged up, he was on the verge of tears and falling apart all over the place.
I didn’t return him his ring this morning when he noticed that it was gone again. I felt so bad after having such a good morning, and right before he leaves he goes to put it on and it’s not there. I could feel his heart fall into his stomach. I wanted to present it to him right then and there. I didn’t. But I considered it. I need to wait though, I’m being to impulsive. I take every little action as a big sign, and that probably isn’t a good thing. Calm is good. How come I act so calm and feel so scattered?
