It feels so good not to be working on the Social Club stuff today. To not be having a Social Club “rave” tonight.
Today was pretty good. I slept in a bit. I danced while cleaning for a bit when I woke up. I worked on my Direct Democracy of the Phoenix design for most of the day. I cleaned my bathroom. I returned my “work phone” and blue-tooth that was provided for Social Club purposes. I called My boyfriend several times and didn’t get an answer, which is expected on Saturdays, since that the busiest day for the tattoo shop. I made several phone calls. Then after all that stuff I went to game night with mom.
Tina and Megan didn’t come. I invited them both, and Sara too (Megan’s younger sister) but none of them were able to make it. It was nice anyway. Mom, Asa, some guy I can’t remember the name of and I played a game that was the forerunner to my favorite game (at the moment) Race for the Galaxy. I think it was called San Juan.
The concept of San Juan is that you are directing the island of San Juan. You can build plantations and other buildings. Plantations make resources, but only with “colonists” which are little brown circles, or as I prefer to call them, slaves because after all, that’s what they are. The plantations (except corn) also need a factory to create resources. There can’t be coffee beans without a coffee roaster for example, and slaves to work the coffee roaster as well as the plantation.
Now in Race for the Galaxy there are four types of resources instead of five. And instead of being coffee, tobacco, corn, sugar and blue (can’t remember what blue was) Race for the Galaxy has Novelty goods, Genes, Rare Elements and Alien goods. (Blue, green, brown and yellow)
In San Juan you select one of several different types of actions, which I have not yet memories. One of them is “captain” which allows you to put the resources you’ve produced (producing them is another action you can take) into a ship (to take back to Spain) in exchange for victory points. You may also trade your goods for doubloons. You may choose builder in order to spend your doubloons on buildings. But in order for those buildings and plantations to do any good, there is another action you choose (that I forgot the name of) to gain “colonists” to run them.
Whom ever has the most victory points when you are either out of colonists, or when all the building slots are filled, is the winner. Likewise, in Race for the Galaxy, when either all victory point chits are used up, or when twelve cards are played, the game ends and whom ever has the most victory points wins. I like the way both games run. Complex enough to feel satisfying when you win. I won my first game of San Juan by one point. Asa came in second. My mom was only three points behind in third place, and the other guy another five points behind in fourth place. I enjoyed myself.
Then, right after finishing the game (at 11:10pm) Mom and I went and picked up My boyfriend from work. We came home, and I played Diablo II with My boyfriend for a while. He’s all happy because someone who used to play a lot (who doesn’t play much anymore) gave him his account log-in so that My boyfriend could have his items. He had some good stuff in there, so My boyfriend is all happy about that.
And then My boyfriend stopped leveling me up in tomb runs, so I logged out and decided to write for a little while even though there is no particular topic I wish to write about at the moment. So I decided to write about my day and any other random thoughts that came to mind...
It makes me very happy to know that My boyfriend will be my husband.
Angel Writes Me:
Hi Atara,
Well, I know exactly how you feel when you say that you know who you are but yet you’re still not entirely mature just yet. I also don’t see myself as an adult (I’m only 16!). I feel as if this is my prime year and I don’t know why because I already found the answers last year to the questions that haunted me all my life. Last year was definitely the toughest year for me; by far at least. I was put through a lot of crappy obstacles but like I said I was able to learn from them so no complains here.
As for Darren, I decided to leave him alone for good. At this point I really can’t indicate this as a bad or good thing because honestly I don’t know for sure but my intentions are telling me that I am making the right decision. Time will tell all right? As much as his flirty behavior flatters me inside I know his only aspiration is to be this wannabe player; why would I want to help build his reputation? I can leave that to the other females who he’s involved with. I will confess though that I don’t like the idea of us “separating” but then again I can’t take it anymore so I’m done with it. I want him to miss me. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel how he made me feel. Is that selfish of me?
Honestly, I appreciate the whole “get another boyfriend” advice but I don’t want another boyfriend. I feel like I don’t need one, I’d rather be independent because once I let a dude come into my life, I get distracted easily and lose focus on my priorities. If I were to let a guy into my life, I’d be extremely overwhelmed and although that seems like a good thing, it’s not. I loathe the fact that I rely on someone else for my happiness. There are going to be times when I am not with someone and I am alone, therefore I don’t want to spend that alone time crying and wishing that someone would come along and save me. I want to be able to construct my own enthusiasm so when I’m alone I don’t yearn for somebody, you know? Besides you opened my eyes wider when you stated that he could be holding me back; I don’t want to be hampered by someone who chooses to deteriorate me.
Awe yes I would most definitely consider you lucky as well; My boyfriend is a total achievement! …
‘One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you.’ That made me giggle because I’ve made that slip-up many times. The four serious relationships that I’ve formed in the past were with males who were completely opposite than me! My first sweetheart was dull and serious. My first true love was a metal-head. My second lover was a preppy, self-absorbed jock. Darren was a so called hustler. I fall hard for guys who are different than me and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I want to see life from someone else’s standpoint.
I also know how you feel when you say that your relationship with Tre made you become someone who you weren’t. I’ve walked in those shoes many times. When I was with Darren I lied numerously, I cussed constantly, and lost all my morals. I began to gossip (which is something I rarely do), I began to judge others before I even got a chance to know them. These may not seem like a big of a deal but they were killing me inside.
I like how you wrote this out; “and after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn't end. It kept turning; life moved on, I discovered that I didn't miss him after all” I want to be able to say that about Darren in the future.
Well, about the whole self-centered thing, I know what you mean. The funny thing is whenever I try not to be self-centered I end up doing it and when I choose to be self-centered, I don’t even want to talk about myself. I love having you as a friend and I truly believe that you deserve to be happy so when you feel like nobody notices your accomplishments or when you feel as if nobody is admiring your projects, know that I am admiring it all!
I write Angel:
Angel,
It’s normal to want him to hurt and to miss you. (I know, it sucks hearing that what you’re going through is normal, but it’s also oddly comforting, right?) I used to feel that about Tre a lot. Though never about Jeremy. You’ll know when you find a really good guy when you don’t want him to hurt. Jeremy was forever trying his hardest for me, but I was so young and silly, and I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. Not that I regret it, his breaking my heart helped me to grow.
It makes me so excited reading your writing and seeing how much you’ve grown so fast. I had to read this aloud to My boyfriend. I’ve mentioned you perhaps three times in the past. He liked how you put things too, he can see that you’re mad cool.
I would write you more but I’m about to leave with My boyfriend soon. Much love and luck, write back soon.
I don’t know what to do with myself at the moment... Fine. If he wants to do his own thing and ignore me, then I can do the same. It’s a shame. Today was going pretty well. So much for affectionate time. Whatever.
There was supposed to be a Social Club meeting tonight. But I forgot. Chances are that nobody showed up anyway. No one has called me. No one even seems to care. I’m so glad that all that stuff is said and done with. Working with Arrin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself through... That next to being with Tre. But I loved Tre, so that was different. I was trying to pull through this for pride and for money. I was trying to pull through with Tre for love. Tre last two years. Arrin lasted two months. Goes to show the power of love in comparison to pride and money, eh?
Speaking of the power of love... My boyfriend is making me giddish again, just like the beginning. I love how it feels to feel so in love. I love that other girls wish they were in my place. I love that there is good reason for them to want to be. I love that he loves me so much. I love that we can be mature and work things through, and that we can be goof-balls, and laugh and joke and be silly too.
I like that my life feels like it’s at least somewhat in my own hands. Or at least, it’s more in My boyfriend’s hands than in my parent’s. That makes me feel grown. I have no desire to be an independent (ie. Single) woman, ever. If I wasn’t with My boyfriend, I’d only be single as long as it took to get over him and to find someone else who’d at least fill the gap, if not be better. Though finding someone better would be quite the trick.
I want a husband, and I have one in the making. It makes me proud. It makes me warm. It puts my mind at ease. He wants to take care of me. He doesn’t just say so. There is a difference that can be detected between when people talk out of their ass to get anything they want, and those who say something that they truly mean. You can see it in their body language, and in their eyes. And when that isn’t enough, their actions will let you know.
I can tell by the things My boyfriend does... He bends. He’s flexible. He grows and learns with me. He recognizes me for who I am, and like me, he adapts to compliment my personality. Just what I asked for.
My boyfriend,
My love. When I first met you I liked you because you came off as an individual. I could tell you didn’t just follow the pack, that you thought for yourself. I liked you because you liked me. I liked you because you were cute. I slept with you because I was lonely, and needy, and you were worthy of my pussy. I wanted to impress you, and I did.
I liked you even more as time when on. The more we fucked, the more we talked, the more I fell for you. I fell in love as you as I realized you were like me, the first one I’d met, the second of my own. The first other of my species, the first poison porcupine I’d met. I started to change to meet your needs, started to mold you to meet mine.
I saw in you the foundations for a husband. I saw in you my younger self, my older self, my inner artist that was never fully developed. I knew that I wanted to marry you after a short month of knowing you. I told you I wanted to marry you after only a week of going out, right before New Years day. I knew I wanted to marry you before it even turned 2007, before I even turned eighteen.
I thought I had seen the worst of you after I saw you drunk. Little did I know that you don’t have to be drunk to behave that way. But I knew you could change for me. You showed me that you could when you quit smoking cigarettes for me. I let you all the way in, and then even further after I returned from my trip. Perhaps it wasn’t until your birthday in July that I really knew you. I stopped seeing you as my first impression: a teenage black guy (as I thought you were) a little aside from the pack. I started seeing you as the full grown adult artist that you are. I saw you as a full combination of assets and faults.
And still I fell more deeply in love with you. I loved you first because you were like me. I continued to love you because you have the ability to change. My love for you kept growing because your love for me kept growing, along with our attachment. My trust in you grew as your trust in me grew. I saw you for who you are today through all of that time, through every argument, through every time you left, through every time you let me down. I saw you for the you that I have every day when you come home.
Your will to learn so much inspired me, and still inspires me. Your ability to work day in and day out, hour after hour, and to still come home and adapt back to me lets me know your strength, reveals to me your character. A cup of tea, a soggy bowl of cereale, a touch, a kiss, a look... You give your love to me, and show me your heart. I swell up inside knowing that you’re mine. I’ll cry when you cry and I’ll laugh when you laugh. I’ll be happy when you’re happy and sad when you’re sad... As I have been since I met you.
I’ll be ready for your cock. I’ll be ready for your words. I’ll be ready because you love me, because you care about me, because you understand me, because you trust me... And you call me. *talks to you*
I love it when you call me. I love that you get up, and you work, and you come home, and you give me your heart, and your energy, and your time. I promise to stay this way for you if you’ll stay this way for me sweetie. It makes me so happy. I appreciate everything, I really do.
You’re my cutie, my babe, my baby, my love, my citadel, my sweetie, my My boyfriend. You’re everything to me babe. Everything... I need you in my life. I’m with you now because I know you’ll reach your full potential, not because you have potential, but because you’re using it. I love that about you. I love you, for who you are... Just like I know you love me for who I am.
~Phoenix
