2008-05-09 23:58:26 Hallie
Ok, I know that you have never once listened to me (and I know that we have disagreed more often than not) but I kind of just want to go on record saying that you need to dump Crusifer. For serious reals. There are lots of things I could say about the specific content of those entries, and I planned to- that's why I hit the comment button. But you know what? The specifics don't even matter. You're unhappy way too often for this to be sustainable for life. And you really have no good reason to think he's going to change. You have no good reason to think you're going to change. Not only are you still fighting, after over a year, but you're fighting about the same things. This might have been a good relationship for awhile, important for both of you, a learning experience, etcetera ad infinitum. But it's not gonna work forever, so you might as well get back out there and go look for someone with whom it is going to work.
Hallie,
I do listen to the things you have to say. I just don’t usually take action on them. And we most certainly disagree a lot, though I find your logic not so much to be flawed, but more so to not apply to me enough to take it to heart, which is partly what I feel towards what you are saying here. It’s true that I don’t really have any good reason to believe Crusifer or myself will change in the near future, but we will change, if not in the ways that I would like, in some ways in general. Especially me, because I’m still young enough that I find myself going through dramatic changes every season or so. Though I see now that he is the one who is the slow adapter.
I agree on the arguing detail whole heartedly however. That’s the part that makes my heart sink, my throat clench, and brings to the surface the reality that I’m facing the same realization that caused me to finally cut off my relationship with Tre: We’re not only arguing a lot, we’re arguing about the same things since (damn near) the beginning of our relationship.
As I’ve stated before, with Tre things were much worse, much more uncomprehensible, and the list of pros was as short as can be (weed, cock, and dreads in a nutshell) and I think the vast contrast in relationships gives me a higher appreciation for Crusifer that most women would give him (if in my exact position).
I asked myself when I was with Tre if the pros were worth the cons again and again, and eventually the truth rang clear that the pros were most certainly not worth the cons. But in this situation it’s more difficult, because the pros are quite long. In fact, let me list them, I’ve been meaning to for quite some time.
(On an unrelated note before I go onto this list of pros and cons, I saw Angel briefly today and he has lost over 200 pounds since I met him five years ago. The last 40lbs or 70lbs has been since February. He’s looking almost attractive, though he’s not to my taste even if we was perfectly healthy. He has always been active. So what made the difference? He finally listened to me, and he gave up soda, along with drinking. He added that to daily skateboarding, and a good job and he’s looking like a whole new man. He even bought new clothes in his new size and you’d never know how big he used to be, unless you felt how flabby his stomach skin is.)
Pros
Cons
(Believe it or not I’m sitting here having trouble coming up with another one, surely I just have not thought of the others yet.)
(And you can see why I find it so hard to leave, when a whole page of pros rolled right off my finger-tips, and after less than half as many cons I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to come up with something more.)
Now I’m sure there are many more I could add to either list, but I’ve certainly covered all the major aspects, and a good handful of the minor aspects. As it may now be clear, the pros seem like they ought to outweigh the cons by so much that the cons would seem terribly small, but the trust issues and the drinking are major issues. However, both issues show significant (if slow) improvement, which I can’t ignore. If they didn’t show any improvement from last summer I would most certainly have dumped him by now. But the fact of the matter is that he is spending much more time with me than he used to, and he is drinking a lot less, and he is becoming more understanding, and he does trust me more. I think that many of our arguments are due to the fact that he words things poorly when his emotion is thrust into what he says.
For example, instead of saying, “Babe, I’m not sure if I can tolerate the way you’re making me feel right now. I feel like you are trying to make me look stupid, and that you’re not being entirely honest,” he might say “Get away from me, and don’t trying to play me, I’m not fucking stupid. You’re so full of shit. You’re a retard.”
Clearly, when you word something in that way you’re not going to get a very polite response. I’ve explained this to him, and he agrees, but it’s hard for both of us to cool our tempers and be reasonable once we’ve already been hurt by what the other person has said.
“Your point doesn’t come across when you yell,” I say to him. “Whenever people yell I am distracted by the fact that they are yelling and what they say I can never remember. I only remember the fact that they were yelling at me and making me feel like shit. Yelling only makes me irrational upset, and it makes me yell back.”
He is understanding of course, but it still doesn’t change how hard it is to be reasonable once you’re already angry. It takes him a while to realize he has said something he did not mean, and to take it back. For example, he was snooping my computer when looking at the files regarding Tre, but he stumbled over his words at the time because he was startled from being caught. Later he had no problem admitting it.
Perhaps this clears up why I’m still trying adamantly to make it work. If it doesn’t work, feel free to say “I told you so.”
Angel writes me:
This world is full of no-good people. It’s sad to see how the world is changing into something horrible. I know exactly what you mean if I was talented then I’d be creating my own things instead of letting my mother constantly buy them and waste her money on something that won’t even last more than a month or two.
Well, I am a Native American; did I ever mention that before? I live on a reservation where nothing phenomenal takes place but every Saturday there’s this sale that always goes on and everybody goes to sell what they made themselves like blankets, necklaces, dresses, clocks, and many more things. It’s exciting but my family doesn’t usually take part in it because in order to go there we have to ride in the car and well money doesn’t exactly grow on some magical tree for us.
I’m sorry about the tagged dresser incident. I agree with you 1000000% the person(s) who did that have no respect for others property. Heh, that happens a lot here too. Someone spray painted a dirty cuss word on our “heater” thing in front of our house….
Atara,
Wow, I’m not going to lie you brought tears to my eyes girl. I honestly feel exactly like how you do. I consider you my only true friend even though I have never saw you or spoke with you. The e-mails that we sent to each other since August has made me feel a lot closer to you than anyone in this entire world. Whenever you feel lonely, just know that I am here for you. I will always be here for you; praying for you, caring for you, smiling for you and thinking about you. I cannot imagine forgetting you or leaving you behind like some other people may have done to you. I truly believe that you deserve the best in life. You know what? I pray for you more than I pray for myself… Every time I read an entry of you saying that you are confused, lost, angry or miserable I instantly pray to God; asking Him to bless you and to not make you feel the way you do. I always do that. And when I read those entries, it hurts me to know that you are not happy sometimes. I wish that I could be there comforting you when nobody else can. *sigh* Sometimes I even cry because it hurts that much to know that you're sad.
I really cannot comprehend why nobody wanted to be friends with you when you were younger but hey Phoenix, it’s their loss. They missed out on an incredible chick. I’ve had friends throughout life but over the months my phone book has changed dramatically; friends from the past have forgotten about me and it hurts a lot but I do try to make new friends but the thing is those new friends are only online. Sometimes I feel like you’re living my life in another lifetime…. When I read your old entries I discover a lot of things that we have in common but some you have outgrown but those are what I am doing right now. But I see how it turns out to be a mistake and so I quit it before I make the same mistake as you; I’m learning from your mistakes… At times I think that is why I met you, you know?
You know how you felt when Jeremy had began a new diary and you said that if he wrote everyday it would give you a reason to wake up? If he updated his diary everyday then it would give you a reason to look forward to the day? Well, that’s how I feel about you =D
You taught me so much overtime and I truly appreciate you for all of that. Because of you I don’t eat any crap that contains high fructose corn syrup. Because of you I am continuing to do my best in school even when I feel like giving up. Because of you I don’t lie or cuss as much as I used to. Because of you I am thankful for everything. You are not like any other person that I’ve met. It’s really amazing to meet someone who is different; someone who actually cares and takes care of themselves. I respect you and I always value your opinion.
I have to say that you are my hero in life because If I hadn’t met you I would have still been that same little lost, confused, misunderstood child that I once was. You opened my eyes to a whole new world. I know I may sound like I’m hyperbolizing but I’m not. There are no words that can describe you; you go beyond dictionary definitions but you are intelligent, bright, beautiful inside and out, and loving.
Yes, one day we will meet and become friends and escape this twisted world =]]
Sweetest Angel,
No, I didn't know that you were Native American, for some odd reason I thought you were black (and forgive me for saying this) I always thought you were very educated and smart for a black girl. In Buffalo, NY the black people tend to sit on welfare, and cause problems. Not that the white people don't do it too, and not that any of the other races that we have here (Islamic and Puerto Rican mostly) don't cause a lot of trouble too, but it's hard not to notice that the ghettos are filled mostly with blacks and dilapidated houses, and that the richer neighborhoods are full of white people.
I don't think it's at all related in genetics really. It's the poor upbringing. The white kids (for the most part) go to the better schools, and (for the most part) make white friends with similar values. The black children learn slang and cuss words and a lack of respect (if not from their parents) from their black friends at school. It's terribly sad because so many, many, many of them are so smart, but never had a chance in life to really learn anything, to really show their stuff. In order to "show their stuff" they end up joining gangs. However, as much as the stereotypes do apply in Buffalo, they are also broken all over the place. We have gothic and punk black people here. We have tons of ghetto white people here. We have everything in between including ghetto-punks of all races. (I’m sort of a ghetto-punk myself, but in a slightly more educated, not to mention drug-fee, way.)
So, all of that said, for some reason I thought you were a black girl in a lower-middle class family who was more logical and educated than most for your situation and upbringing. I know hardly anything however about Native Americans however. I don't know the stereotypes, and I've met very few of the like in my lifetime despite the diversity of Buffalo. My childhood friend that I played Barbie dolls with was something like half Native American, but she behaved like any other lower-middle class white girl in Buffalo, so I didn't know the difference.
(I use the "class" terms in reference to the way my mother puts it. The "middle" class is pretty much the working class according to my mom. The lower class is people with little or no worth ethic, who are addicted to drugs, or criminals, or homeless people. The upper class would be the sort of people who never slouch, who would never eat fast food, who would never leave the house without flawless make-up and attire, who would never speak to someone without being introduced, who would never go to a bar, who would never do drugs unless you count a glass of wine, who would go to operas, who might have a personal teacher growing up, who might ride in limmos and have their own driver, who would have a maid, and probably a butler, doorman and chef too. The middle class is then generally divided into three classes of it's own: upper-middle, middle, and lower-middle. I'm not sure if I'm explaining to you something you already know, but I want to fully explain it just so that you're not offended, because some people find "lower middle class" an offensive thing to be called, but in general, most people these days that you meet from day to day are. Upper middle class are people who own their own businesses, people who probably send their kids to private school. They most likely have a college education. Middle-middle class are doctors, lawyers, and other high-paying common jobs. Lower-middle class are the people who work as all the other stuff; waiters, cooks, tattoo artists, and the like. Though these are rough examples since your morals, and the way you live can also be taken into account in what "class" you are. Upper-lower class would include people who work fast-food joints and uneducated single moms who work hard to support their kids. I'd say my family is low-middle class verging on middle class depending on which individual in the family we're looking at. My grandparents would have been considered upper-middle class, and so would many of my uncles' families.)
So, all along I've for some reason assumed you were a lower-middle class black girl with your head screwed on right and a good logic and moral base. Now that I know you're Native American, perhaps we I should wonder how many other things we don't know about each other.
What class (not that I care, or that it would affect my opinion of you, but out of curiosity) would you say you are based on what I've outlined? Are you mixed at all? Can you tell me anything significantly different about living on a reservation than not living on one?
I just read your second reply letter. I wanted to reply them both in one letter. Surely the tone of everything I just wrote would have been entirely different if I had read them both at once however.
It’s sweet to hear you pray for me. I always believe in the power of prayer, no matter who you pray to. I don’t discriminate against any religion, just people who try to convert other people and also those who are hypocritical to their religion but claim to be true to it.
Through reading my older entries you probably see why when we first began writing each other that I thought of you as my younger self. More and more I see you as a young woman rather than my teenage self though, and it’s beautiful to see.
I’m really happy to hear you’re not eating high fructose corn syrup. Have you realized any health differences since you stopped? I noticed a countless number of improvements in myself after I changed my diet. A friend of mine (incidently also named Angel, but he’s a guy) finally stopped drinking soda, and it shows.
I hope we never stop talking for some shallow reason. You know my mom had an internet friend that she was very close to for over a year and then they went to a convention together where many online friends from a circle of bloggers were going and someone who didn’t like my mom had told her online friend something nasty (my mom doesn’t know what) that made her close online friend and many others stop talking to her online. They never spoke in person, even though there were in the same room many times. Isn’t that just awful?
You would never stop talking to someone because of a rumor or because of some opinion that you disagreed with, would you? I’d be really hurt if I wrote the wrong thing to you sometime and you just stopped talking to me.
~Atara Phoenix
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