I want to fix things so desperately that I could crack. I want to come up with a solution and then have the problem solved. Is it with all people that problems just never get solved or just with the guys I’ve dated?
I feel enlightened.
I woke up this morning from a strange dream about Jeremy. In the dream my situation and his situation are exactly as they are now. He’s with Janet, and I’m with Crusifer. I don’t remember anything he and I said, but the earliest part of the dream I remember takes place in public, and he and I are trying to meet up somewhere where no one will notice us. It’s not that we’re trying to do anything that anyone would really disapprove of, it’s that being together at all might causes suspicion.
He ducks into this shaded indent in a brick building. I follow him into the shadow and sit beside him on the jutting part of the brick pattern. He touches his forehead to mine. I smile. We exchange words. Then we decide we must travel further from the crowd. We wander out into some event. For some reason my desk from home is sitting out in the lawn. I go to sit at it. I start organizing items that are mine, and items that are not mine. A woman tells me that it’s her desk. She’s a large, middle-aged black woman. I look the desk over and realize that it’s drawers are missing, and that the wood is old and beaten, not like my desk at home which is in tack. I leave the desk.
I’m not sure how I get to the next scene but somehow I leave the public outdoors for a tall downtown building. I go to the top floor, though I don’t remember going there. I’m in what looks like a lived-in expensive hotel suite. I think Jeremy is there with me again, but I’m not sure. I know what happens when I’m there, but I’m not sure of the precise event that causes my reaction. I suspect that Crusifer walks in, sees me talking to Jeremy or holding his hand (or something “cute” along those lines since the dream had no sexual feeling to it at all) and of course he gets the wrong idea, and of course I get upset. Though I don’t remember that part either. Another possibility is that Jeremy says something to me that I can’t bare. Whatever the cause, suddenly I become extremely upset. I declare that I will jump through the window.
The windows are large, floor to ceiling. We’re on the top floor of a twenty story-or-so building. There is no chance or survival, which makes it much more appealing than a window at home, most likely to break my leg and to still live. Someone yells something, I and I leap up and crash through the glass, and I feel it shatter around me, scattering throughout the air. This part is distinctly in slow motion. I try to fly, to fall, to move, to do anything but I’m trapped mid-leap. I think someone catches me, or grabs me, I’m not sure, because that’s all I remember clearly.
I have no idea about the meaning of the dream, but it had a distinct and familiar feeling. It had the same feeling that other dreams about Jeremy have had. There is this warm glow in the air, this lack of need for words. There is a calmness beneath the rush of life and action. Every corner is softened, every emotion is less intense. It’s almost like being high in a dream, but much, much, much more blissful and peaceful. I’d say this is about the sixth dream I’ve had like that of him since our break up almost four years ago now. I believe that in these dreams our spirits past each other by while we were asleep, for how else could his presence feel so real?
But what does this have to do with me feeling enlightened? Pretty much nothing.
You see, just over a week ago I was considering in the back of my mind my back-up possibilities. All of my back-up possibilities would never work, each for their own different reasons. One of them is too inexperienced, and too geeky, and unattractive, another is too old, unattractive and not practical, and the third one is unable to support me, unattractive and leads a different lifestyle than I would accept.
You guess which one of those is Jeremy. It actually doesn’t matter which one, lol! I thought about it, about him moving in here, but that is still assuming that he still feels the way he did over a year ago, and that is also assuming he’d accept any sort of arrangement that I’d offer. I don’t want to sleep with him. I’m not the horny little girl I was back when him and I were together. And if he were to move in here, I’d probably end up finding someone new and fall madly in love with them only to turn Jeremy away, and in which case Janet might not want him back, and that would Jeremy in an awkward situation I’d never want to put him in. And having him as a room-mate while having some other man is just completely infeasible.
As I’ve said before, I wish I could be his friend. I love seeing him, he always makes me smile and makes me happy. Yet being friends with ex-boyfriends (even if you were only 15 for most of the relationship) just isn’t practicable.
So, in short, I don’t really have any back-up possibility to Crusifer. I’d simply go out and be social and meet new people if we were to break up. However, I’ve been enlightened. We’re not going to break up. How do I know?
I bought this audio book by Mort Fertel which turned my subconscious thoughts about back-up boyfriends into how to fall back in love with Crusifer the way we were when we first met. Seems like a hasty change and a silly approach, right? The thing is, that the things that Mort Fertel said just blew me away. I’ve listened to three out of the five CDs and I’m just enthraled by the amazingly simple but esoteric wisdom in “marriage fitness.”
The most important thing I pulled from the first CD is that love is a verb. Love is something that you do. Love does not happen because of what they do for you. Love happens because of what you do for them. After all, do you love your children because they drive you to work and make you breakfast? Or do you love them because you take care of their every need?
Another important thing that Mort talks about is that it’s not about finding the right person. It’s about loving the person you found. He compares this to painting. Would you spend all of your time looking for the right model and never learn to paint? Or would you find a decent model and then spend most of your time learning to paint that model? Point being, it’s not what you’re painting, it’s how you’re painting.
Obviously this concept does not apply to an abusive relationship, but it can. Was the relationship always abusive? The concepts he outlines explain why love is transformative, and why love solves all your problems.
He points out that there is tons of literature about communication skills, and about the differences between men and women, but so very little is written about being in love, and making love happen, and making it last. So little is written about the science of love and soul mates. But this guy, Mort, he has written about it, and I agree fully.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much information at once that made so much sense, was so new to me, so logical, and then adapted all of it into what I believed to be right so quickly. They even changed one of my fundamental beliefs about family. Everyone says that your children come first. But Mort says, your spouse should come first. When you put your spouse first then your child sees the love and attention that you lavish on your spouse, and they learn from your actions about a loving relationship. Isn’t having a loving marriage better for you kids that spending that same time with your kids “telling” them about having a loving marriage?
It was such a good point it overruled every other argument I could put up to it.
Crusifer and I listened to the first CD together last night. He rubbed my back, and then my legs, then my arms, then my head, then my feet. When he was close to being done I couldn’t wait to love him back. The principles ingrained themselves into me so quickly because of how true I believe they are. I couldn’t wait to give him a back-rub. Because I couldn’t wait to grow my love through giving it to him.
How opposite an approach I had before! I was trying to stop giving to him so that he would miss the things I do for him. What a primitive notion in comparison! I feel enlightened. I feel wise. I feel like Jesus himself came down to me and told me how to love myself, love my neighbor, and my husband and family too. If giving is the principle of loving, then that makes everything make sense. Give, give, give and give. And the more you give (out of love, not out of pity or out of thinking you’ll get something back) then the more you will get just because your love is growing, and the stronger your love is the better your life will be, because the better you will be.
Anyway, these are my words, and my words have not earned me a huge business and thousands of testimonials. However, Mort Fertel’s words have gained him those things, so take it from him.
Crusifer and I didn’t have arguments when we first met. We couldn’t dream of having arguments. We had no problems. We enjoyed our time together fully. We looked forward to seeing each other without any doubt that there would be love and happiness between us during our time together and during our time apart. We were always crazy about each other, always thinking about each other. Why? Because we had just fallen in love.
Mort explains how your love changes, not your spouse. Your spouse is not compassionate, and your spouse is not harsh. They have the capability to be compassionate or harsh depending on the love between you. I would say I’m a compassionate person, but that doesn’t stop me from being harsh. That one really hit me in between the eyes. How silly of me to say “he used to be so compassionate, why is he being so harsh now?” How stupid of me!
When you’re crazy about each other, you put each other first. Before work, before family, before friends, before addictions, before hobbies, before children, before anything. When you’re not crazy about each other, you need to put each other first to become crazy in love all over again. It makes so much sense that my head is rejoicing in the simplicity and the truth.
My parents won’t see another month pass without listening to these CDs. It could make them fall in love again too! I’m so excited about it. I’m so excited because I know that this Mort guy is holding a golden key to the universe.
Everyone shrugs their shoulder at the cliché “all you need is love” but Mort explains why and it makes so much sense. I can’t believe I’m still writing about this... Don’t take it from me damn it, take it from him. (Laughing.)
Anyway, that’s why I feel so enlightened. Handling my problems with Crusifer while our relationship is under stress is the wrong time to handle problems. Falling back in love (the complete, whole and crazy way love in when it first happens) with Crusifer is the first step. We’ll handle our problems then, after we’re already too nuts about each other again to be able to be angry with each other.
Best part is – he likes CDs too, and what they have to say. I mean, if he liked the first one, which is drab compared to the second and third, then he’ll certainly like the rest. I feel like we’re back on track, like my life is back on track, because life is about love, and having someone who is a author in love, and authority on love tell me that it’s natural, normal, and usual for you to fucus your life on your love and seeking love is just a phenomenal feeling.
As a side note, if giving is one of the master secrets to love, then the key to loving yourself is giving to yourself. They say people who spend so much time on their looks are self-absorbed, but perhaps they are just indulging in their self-love. While there is everything wrong with being greedy, there can’t be anything wrong with loving yourself, and we all know that too many people don’t.
Angel writes me:
Atara,
So you’re saying that people come from all over the world to Buffalo and a majority of them turn out to be drug users? If, that’s what you mean then that’s sad. Yeah, I know how it is being surrounded by all-nighters who blast music all night ‘till the early morning. My neighbors are the same way. I don’t like it when parents are too careless to take care of their own kids because most of the times their kids become just like them. Last year, I was so angry at the fact that my parents were not role-models for me. What even pissed me off more was the fact that they weren’t even trying to set a good example. As you already know, my father is an alcoholic and well my mother is drug-free but it was her faults that I didn’t like. For example, the way she let us cuss in front of her, the way she cussed in front of us (not all the time but once in a while), the way she let my brothers drop out, the way she let me drop out, and for awhile they didn’t have jobs. My parents are not bad and trust me they’re far from careless but as my sibs and I grow older they look as if they don’t care what we do. When we were younger they were super duper strict and over-protective. They still are in a way but not as much as they used to be. I know it hurt them both when my brother and I quit school and sometimes I hate myself for that. I sometimes wonder if they think they’re bad parents and if my sibs and I make them feel like they failed as parents or something…. my mother once told me to quit daydreaming about a “perfect” family because that’s every thing that every family is not; every family has its problems. Surprisingly that was enough to open my eyes. So since then I accepted them (flaws and all) and that’s when I also decided not to be like them. My parents are everything that I don’t want to be. Well, a majority of this reservation is full of jobless adults so I don’t want to turn out like anyone here. I want to be different so I can actually get out of here. I don’t want to spend my life here. I want to go to college and make something of myself.
In Buffalo I’m guessing that shootings, beating, fights, and rapes occur a lot more than they do here. When I used to attend a public school, we’d always have visitors coming from different states who spoke to us about how the “gangsters” here are nothing but fakes. I have to agree with that because they all act hard when really they’re not… well at least most of them aren’t. Those presenters always said something like, “It’s funny that there are tagged walls every where and kids running around acting like they can kill. Well, I got news for you so-called gangsters: why don’t you go to L.A. or the east side of Phoenix? Trust me, you little gangsters wouldn’t last one day there. You call yourselves gangsters? Real gangsters don’t go to school. They spend their time outside of school walls slanging and killing.” That opened every one’s eyes but that didn’t really help because since that spokesman made that statement, hell drop-outs increased. So much for helping right?
I didn’t know that Crusifer’s mom lives in North Buffalo well of course I don’t know anything about Crusifer….
I really wish we had opportunities here like the way Buffalo does. I don’t think anyone would jump to them but it would be nice. When teens graduate here the Tribe is willing to pay for their college tuition and I love that but you know what? Most of those teens don’t even graduate or last in college. Most of them drop-out before the first semester even ends then they come back here and waste their lives away by partying. I fear that by the time I enroll into college the Tribe will no longer offer to pay for the tuitions because of how the current teens now are dropping out. I fear that they will realize that they’re wasting their money and just let us pay for our own college funds… I don’t even want to think about it.
It sounds to me that Buffalo is more like a city than a ghetto because of the international schools, incredible opportunities, eateries, malls, the variety of people and also the many avenues. We only have roads here: no street avenues. This reservation is very tiny; the population is probably only about 1000. Yeah we don’t have any fast food places here so everyone does their shopping at this place called Safford which is about an hour away.
A wino is another word for an alcoholic but we Natives on the rez don’t take it as a serious word. We use it as a joking manner.
Yeah my previous school didn’t force beliefs on us or anything but the teachers, principles and supervisors were Mormons. Wow, the school you attended (Catholic Academe) sounds bad. Yeah, I know what it’s like to be kicked in the shins. I remember my first grade teacher literally hit a boy above the head with a hardback book! The boy ended up in tears and everyone was afraid of her afterwards. I don’t remember if we said anything to the principal or not but probably not because we were so young and who would believe children? When I start to think about it, we had some of the worst teachers. The Natives are known for being some of the worst kids ever (around here at least). Most of the new teachers quit because of the students are so mean and disrespectful. I’ve seen some teachers in tears because of the remarks they made or either because of their mannerisms. It’s horrible. This one time when I was in seventh grade, there was this really annoying substitute teacher who was very mean. He didn’t give us respect so most of the students didn’t give him respect either. Everyone was talking back to him because he was just horrible… He said that we were the dumbest and worst students ever and that we were stupid Apaches or something like that. So everyone got angry and starting b#tching him out. He got mad so he just got up left the classroom and went straight to the principal’s office and handed him the classroom key and said to send him his check because he was leaving. The principal of course came into our class and got VERY angry. Overtime I realized that I didn’t want to be like those students. I realized that we were only building our school a bad reputation. Now my previous school is known for being rude and the worst school ever.
Wow, so you were living in sickness while you were younger huh? That’s terrible. I hate being sick. I also did not like gym because I had asthma and so that made it even worse. My P.E. teacher was one of the worst. She would always pick on me and my friend because we didn’t want to do sprints so she made us run outside out on the field where it was hot. We ran all class hour while everyone else played basketball or kickball inside. So, you never took part in sports??? Wow, I think you’re the first person who I’ve met that never played a physical sport. My friends and I were basketball lovers. Every day after school we’d come home and go straight to the court. I was actually quite well at it; not the best but then again not the worst. It was great exercise.
I was a straight-A student all through my elementary years until I hit Jr. High.
Yeah I also hate those movies because they’re disgusting. My friends adore movies like that and I can’t stand it.
I don’t like it when people say that I am starving myself. Isn’t it annoying? Heh, I just hate it. The other day I made lima beans and nobody liked it; in fact nobody gave it a chance. It was a waste but of course I ate as much as I could. Wow, you sound like you eat a lot ha-ha… I AM OBSESSED WITH PISTACHIOS. I can eat an entire bag in one sitting. It’s amazing. What are enzyme pills? Yeah for awhile I was all about fruits and veggies so when I had my first salad with dressing (I had no idea that it contained high fructose syrup) it gave me a terrible headache. I was almost in tears.
You know what I am amazed with? The fact that there are more and more organic foods being produced. A few weeks ago I went grocery shopping and my mother and I went into this store that we never really paid much attention to and well I was in love with everything. I never knew that organic bean burritos, organic coffee, organic peanuts, organic bacon, and many other organic foods existed! I felt like I was in Heaven; ha….
I read the letter Crusifer gave you and I was thinking, “Oh how cute.” (Yeah for some odd reason I found it “cute”) That’s just me though; I think it’s cute how he wants to change for you… I like the fact that he’s willing to change and that he even admitted to having a problem. Most people can’t do that and even if they could, they still wouldn’t. I think you two can make it work if he cleans up his act. I don’t like it when he’s so mean to you though. I didn’t know that he called you a “bitch” and those other cruel names. That’s horrible. I don’t think he’s ready to let go though.
Well, honestly I don’t believe strongly about anything these days only when it comes to Jesus but I don’t exactly consider myself Christian. I don’t think I’d ever quit communicating with anyone just because of something like that though. I’d like to see life from their viewpoints. Ha yeah I’ve noticed that you’ve written some wild things in your journal but that’s just who you are (or who you were). I can’t dislike you for expressing yourself. I understand that every one is different. I can’t and won’t quit speaking with someone who’s different. That’d be silly. I think our letters get longer and longer because we point out new things and have questions about things we’ve mentioned. Hey I don’t mind, I like learning new things about people.
I write Angel back:
Angel,
My parents never did anything extraordinary with their lives, and I think my father feels like because of this, he is a failure. My mother probably feels bad about how her two first sons ended up taking their lives, especially in the past. However, I think my parents’ only real crime was not working harder on being a loving family, especially in my father’s case. The dream of a perfect family is a sad thing to die, but at some point it happens for all of us. As the “child” in the household, there is nothing you can do but formulate your ideas for your spouse and children. The hard part is finding the partner willing to go through with your family aspirations.
Gangsters in Buffalo are pretty rampant, the wannabe-types and the real thing. Because I dated a guy who dealt all sorts of drugs, and because Crusifer is a tattoo artist and he tattoos all sorts of drug dealers and gangsters, I have more knowledge of the gang-life than I probably need or want. That sort of life is one riddled with fear, and the higher up you are in the “game” then the higher you fear because the more you have to lose.
It’s sad that they waste their college funding. I wish they would simply give funding based on grades. Every kid on honor roll should get a scholarship or something. I would be half way through college right now if that were the case. College should be free, actually, but that’s just my opinion, and not many people give a damn what I think.
The kids here waste their opportunities too. They don’t even see the opportunities. Of course, many of the kids I went to high school with never read a book in their life. Talk about sad.
Anyway, yeah, Buffalo is indeed a city, but it’s ghettos are bigger than it’s non-ghettos. Most cities have 40% or less of their city submerged in poverty and drug users. Buffalo is like 70% submerged in poverty and drug users, heck, maybe more. And the Buffalo “area” including all our little sub-cities like Amherst and Lackawanna (I hear the Lackawanna is just another white ghetto) contains a million people! So many people lost to drugs and ignorance. It’s so sad that I can’t even think about it sometimes. It’s an awesome place to visit though. All the fucked up shit in this city causes certain people to flourish with wanting to help the world, with art, with ideas. That’s why we have so many programs in this city. For every fifty or hundred of these slugs that never had a shot at life we have one individual who is inspired by the misery to try and change something.
That’s the one beautiful thing about Buffalo. You should come visit sometime. My family would welcome a visitor for a weekend or a week, and you could tour with me. Wouldn’t that be fun? And we could open my organic cook-book and learn new recipes and cook up crazy healthy stuff together.
My class in fourth grade (maybe fifth, not sure since both years were at the same school) made our Japanese teacher cry. I wasn’t there the day that it happened, but it had the whole school shook up. That was the one private school I went to, and even those kids were pretty hard to deal with, even though they all came from “upper-middle-class” families, all except for me and perhaps one or two other students who you might have called simple “middle-class.”
Anyway, I’m amazed with organic foods these days too. There are more and more of them. Wegmans, where I buy all my food, has four organic isles. One with gluten-free stuff, another with frozen items, another with snack bars, chips and chocolate, and another with teas and other such items. I still check all ingredients though. Cane sugar, after all, is still sugar, and too much sugar is still bad no matter what type of sugar it is. It just takes more cane sugar to be as bad as corn syrup. I look for items that either have no sugar at all, or items that have cane sugar towards the end of the ingredients when picking out my snacks and meals.
You made lima beans huh? How well did you like them? I always cook them until the water is gone, which takes about an hour. It cooks all the nutrition that you just cooked out, back into them and it leaves them very soft and flavorful. Cooking them for anything less than half an hour makes them too hard for me to like them. I also put mounds of butter on them. When lima beans are made right I’ll eat an entire pot of them by myself or more in just a few hours.
I believe in Jesus too, even though I’m not at all Christian. I believe mostly that Jesus was a real man, and also that he is a powerful soul, and that praying to him will bring good things. The whole trinity thing, or whatever it’s called, and the son of god part and all of that I have my own beliefs about. Maybe someday we can discuss those things in person. My religious and spiritual beliefs are too complex and too long to explain easily in text. Usually people find my beliefs either interesting, or blasphemous, but rarely does anybody actually agree with my thoughts as a whole. Which is fine with me, everyone has a right to believe what they want.
Anyway, I hope you consider my offer to come out here and visit sometime seriously, because I do mean it. My Aunt is moving out next month so we’ll have extra space around here too. It would be a fun adventure. Coming to where you are to meet you would be terribly difficult for me to do since Crusifer would kill me if I left for a few days to go somewhere without him, and I’m sure your family wouldn’t want me staying there for a couple days. (Perhaps that’s presumptuous of me? Maybe they wouldn’t mind? But even so, I still have consider Crusifer. I wouldn’t want him to go somewhere far away for several days without me.)
How is your online education going anyway?
~Atara Phoenix
No comments:
Post a Comment