Angel Writes Me
Hey Atara!
Well I guess if other people have felt how I am feeling right now then I should be relieved because at least I know that I wasn’t the only one who went through what I went through.
Hmm… speaking of Jeremy I am done reading 2004 and am now going onto 2005. I have a large number of questions but the first one would have to be about an entry (in an e-mail with your aunt; specifically 3/01/04) I noticed that you mentioned how certain people got a hold of your diary, people who you did not want to read it. Well, recently I’ve had the same problem. Darren’s exes got a hold of it and read it online. They post it onto their MySpace profile and I felt as if I’ve just been betrayed by a long time friend. There was nothing I could do; I already got him in trouble and so now I just added new twists to my “ploy”. I was wondering if you still feel insecure, what if someone who you do not want to read your diary is reading it still? Does it worry you at all? Or does it simply have no affect??
By the way Darren’s still trying to get a hold of me but I’m sticking to my promise. But you know the weird thing is, at first I was all cool with it but now I only feel like a bad person…. I wonder if that’s “normal” too.
I write Angel back
Hi Angel.
Yes, for a while it was very unnerving for people like Tiffany, or Janet to be reading my journal. People who might gossip about me, who might take what I wrote the wrong way. People who I’ve written about who might take what I wrote very personally. My parents and my aunt have the URL to my blog. Even Arrin, probably the last person in the world I want reading my blog has it, because it’s very google-searchable. (Arrin tried to lie and say that a ghost brought up my blog on his screen in a word document. He slipped up later when he asked about another entry after saying that he wouldn’t look for my journal online, and that he had only read the one entry. What a dufus!)
It can be hard to deal with, but I handle it by always being honest in my writing. I make sure that I say what I really feel even when I’m very upset. Of course, sometimes I say things like “I want to die” even though I don’t really want to die, but those are the sorts of things to avoid. If you only told the truth, than you can defend what you wrote, and you can show that you are not afraid to express how you feel and to stand behind it.
I don’t worry about the people I know in real life reading my journal, because I know that my emotional entries are only human. My anger towards people always has a reason. My opinions are how I feel, and exactly what I’d tell someone to their face. If what I write, and what I say are both true, then no one can call me out because of something I wrote.
However, sometimes, when you have something very serious to hide, don’t write about it. If you have constant thoughts about killing a certain person for real, for example, writing about it could be dangerous. If you own child porn, might not want to write about that. If you father is a car thief, that is another thing you might not want to mention. If someone tells you a secret and says not to tell anyone, that includes not writing about it, etc. Of course there are one or two things we never mention, not even in our blog, perhaps not even in a written journal, but other than that, I put it all out there because I don’t really have anything to hide.
If Darren wants to post your journal on his myspace, then make sure the things you’ve written about Darren are how you honestly feel. Write about how immature you think he is for posting that on myspace. Write about how you feel betrayed because you thought you could trust him. Write about how you loved him, but how you don’t anymore. Write about how he played you, and about how you’ve moved on. Let him feel the shame of being the two-faced person. Let him look like the fool. If anyone tries to make you look bad because of what you wrote, then they most undoubtedly aren’t someone who you should concern yourself with.
Feeling guilty is healthy to a degree. If you really did something wrong, then feeling guilty is your punishment for doing it when no one else can punish you. But often we’re too hard on ourselves. I felt bad when I broke up with Tre. I felt bad for having made so many plans and promises for the future. But you know what? That ass hole deserved it after all he’d put me through.
I don’t condone revenge however. Revenge is never a good approach. Revenge harms our karma. They already will attain bad karma for doing something bad to you, but if you retaliate, it will only spread the bad karma onto you. At least, that’s what I believe. Even if you don’t believe in karma, you can still see how it makes you just as much at “fault” if you take revenge. But disconnecting from bad people is fine, writing how you feel is fine, telling them to their face how you feel is also fine. I also believe that exposing someone who is doing something wrong also won’t harm you. True, it’s being a tattle-tale, but shouldn’t women who are beaten report their husbands or boyfriends? Shouldn’t we expose Bush for being an idiot?
The bottom line? Listen to how you feel, be honest with yourself and everyone else, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you did what you felt you should have done at the time. (Sounds so cliché when I put it like that! Perhaps because it’s true?)
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