When People You Know Read Your Blog

Thursday, March 13th 2008 at 9:26pm

Angel Writes Me

Hey Atara!

Well I guess if other people have felt how I am feeling right now then I should be relieved because at least I know that I wasn’t the only one who went through what I went through.

Hmm… speaking of Jeremy I am done reading 2004 and am now going onto 2005. I have a large number of questions but the first one would have to be about an entry (in an e-mail with your aunt; specifically 3/01/04) I noticed that you mentioned how certain people got a hold of your diary, people who you did not want to read it. Well, recently I’ve had the same problem. Darren’s exes got a hold of it and read it online. They post it onto their MySpace profile and I felt as if I’ve just been betrayed by a long time friend. There was nothing I could do; I already got him in trouble and so now I just added new twists to my “ploy”. I was wondering if you still feel insecure, what if someone who you do not want to read your diary is reading it still? Does it worry you at all? Or does it simply have no affect??

By the way Darren’s still trying to get a hold of me but I’m sticking to my promise. But you know the weird thing is, at first I was all cool with it but now I only feel like a bad person…. I wonder if that’s “normal” too.

I write Angel back

Hi Angel.

Yes, for a while it was very unnerving for people like Tiffany, or Janet to be reading my journal. People who might gossip about me, who might take what I wrote the wrong way. People who I’ve written about who might take what I wrote very personally. My parents and my aunt have the URL to my blog. Even Arrin, probably the last person in the world I want reading my blog has it, because it’s very google-searchable. (Arrin tried to lie and say that a ghost brought up my blog on his screen in a word document. He slipped up later when he asked about another entry after saying that he wouldn’t look for my journal online, and that he had only read the one entry. What a dufus!)

It can be hard to deal with, but I handle it by always being honest in my writing. I make sure that I say what I really feel even when I’m very upset. Of course, sometimes I say things like “I want to die” even though I don’t really want to die, but those are the sorts of things to avoid. If you only told the truth, than you can defend what you wrote, and you can show that you are not afraid to express how you feel and to stand behind it.

I don’t worry about the people I know in real life reading my journal, because I know that my emotional entries are only human. My anger towards people always has a reason. My opinions are how I feel, and exactly what I’d tell someone to their face. If what I write, and what I say are both true, then no one can call me out because of something I wrote.

However, sometimes, when you have something very serious to hide, don’t write about it. If you have constant thoughts about killing a certain person for real, for example, writing about it could be dangerous. If you own child porn, might not want to write about that. If you father is a car thief, that is another thing you might not want to mention. If someone tells you a secret and says not to tell anyone, that includes not writing about it, etc. Of course there are one or two things we never mention, not even in our blog, perhaps not even in a written journal, but other than that, I put it all out there because I don’t really have anything to hide.

If Darren wants to post your journal on his myspace, then make sure the things you’ve written about Darren are how you honestly feel. Write about how immature you think he is for posting that on myspace. Write about how you feel betrayed because you thought you could trust him. Write about how you loved him, but how you don’t anymore. Write about how he played you, and about how you’ve moved on. Let him feel the shame of being the two-faced person. Let him look like the fool. If anyone tries to make you look bad because of what you wrote, then they most undoubtedly aren’t someone who you should concern yourself with.

Feeling guilty is healthy to a degree. If you really did something wrong, then feeling guilty is your punishment for doing it when no one else can punish you. But often we’re too hard on ourselves. I felt bad when I broke up with Tre. I felt bad for having made so many plans and promises for the future. But you know what? That ass hole deserved it after all he’d put me through.

I don’t condone revenge however. Revenge is never a good approach. Revenge harms our karma. They already will attain bad karma for doing something bad to you, but if you retaliate, it will only spread the bad karma onto you. At least, that’s what I believe. Even if you don’t believe in karma, you can still see how it makes you just as much at “fault” if you take revenge. But disconnecting from bad people is fine, writing how you feel is fine, telling them to their face how you feel is also fine. I also believe that exposing someone who is doing something wrong also won’t harm you. True, it’s being a tattle-tale, but shouldn’t women who are beaten report their husbands or boyfriends? Shouldn’t we expose Bush for being an idiot?

The bottom line? Listen to how you feel, be honest with yourself and everyone else, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you did what you felt you should have done at the time. (Sounds so cliché when I put it like that! Perhaps because it’s true?)

My Body Hates Me

Wednesday, March 5th 2008 at 2:55pm

This new online game is like the coolest game ever. At least, it’s the best game since Civilization IV anyway. It’s the first step towards the computer game I want to see.

Wednesday, March 12th 2008 at 5:25pm

I just got up.

My mind likes me. It really does. It’s logical for me, it comes to conclusions for me, it lets me will myself to eat right, exercise, have fun playing games, to allow myself to feel bliss when I’m with My boyfriend...

My body fucking hates me. Last week... Was it Tuesday? I started getting a yeast infection. Another goddamned yeast infection. I don’t eat sugar, I barely eat bread, I don’t wear a lot of tight jeans, and I actually wear a lot less black underwear than I used to.

But I know that isn’t all the factors in getting a yeast infection. There is also cleanliness which has been difficult since the bathroom has been under construction for over a month. Let me tell you, it ruins your dignity to stand in a turkey pan in front of the kitchen sink (and window) and washed yourself with water that you boiled on the stove, poured into the sink, and then let fall down into the turkey pan. The pan of course, needs to be frequently emptied however, not because it’s full, but because the water turns cold freezing my feet.

Now out of a month, how many times do you think I really went through all that hassle? I’ve never been one of those have-to-be-perfectly-clean-or-I-will-die people anyway, but this is just ridiculous. I do use wipes to ensure that there isn’t a build-up of nastiness down there or something, but I really don’t think it was the lack of cleanliness that caused the infection either.

There are two variables pertaining to the vaginal area that I noticed happened to be the same with this infection and the last. (And perhaps the one before that though my memory is foggy.) I shaved right before getting the infection, and two, I started using the wipes my mom uses. (I think they might be Scott wipes. They’re cheap and small and don’t smell to pretty and aren’t very soft.)

Whenever I shave it causes irritation during sex, so I don’t why I did it again when I had already connected those two dots. It was just a habit, and standing in the turkey pan I wanted some sort of normalcy! Well, for me, I think yeast infections are as normal as eating, sleeping and pissing. It’s some royal bull shit.

Talk about cock envy! I dream about having a cock. No more squatting. No more being helpless to give myself an orgasm. No more yeast infections. No more period. No more cramps. No more worrying about childbirth or pregnancy. My only worry would be it’s goddamned size, and if it’s small than I’ll just get an Asian girl. I have genuine, literal cock-envy and I admit it. I worship cock and how uncomplicated it is.

I’ve never met an impotent man. My boyfriend is always ready, while my pussy protests, becomes dry, becomes infected, becomes sore, becomes anything but freaking useful! Sometimes I wish the thing would just fall off!

I’ve never been free of bodily issues. When I was a toddler I was too tired to go tricker-treating. I always managed to get enough bug bites to look like I had chicken-pocks, and then my dumb naive mind decided to scratch them all until they bled, and them some more. I had chicken-pocks twice. I had mono four times between age 9 and age 14. I got my teeth punched in at age 11 and ate through a straw for over a week, and then nothing but soft foods for a month.

And my first yeast infection when I was 10 or so. My period started in school, and was so heavy, and always leaking all over the place. I had cramps that made me double over, sometimes cry, sometimes not leave the bathtub (very similarly to the yeast infections that made me refuse to pee for eight hours at a time.) Then there is my six-year-old bladder which causes me to pee every half and hour like a pregnant woman. (Tina is seven months pregnant and we pee just as often!)

I was constantly constipated as a child as well. Sitting on toilet at six years old for twenty or thirty minutes at a time, sweating. And to think this is only the beginning of the list... What about the year I spent burping constantly and frequently having painful burps that caught in my chest?

Most of those things went away after I gave up sugar (all sugar alternatives and forms including molasses and brown sugar), white bread, pasta, meat that isn’t free-range/organic, coffee and caffeine in general, smoking weed, and drinking. It made the painful burps and stomach aches go away. It gave me more energy, and I wasn’t tired all the time for the first time in my life.

But now... Now I have a whole other something inexplicable! One week of a yeast infection (mostly itchy, mildly burning, unlike my childhood yeast infections which barely ever itched at all but burned like hell when I peed) and then, the day it starts to get better, on Monday, I start getting this odd pain in my knees.

I guess to myself that this pain is directly related to the odd positions I’ve been sitting in. I’ve been sitting with my feet under my ass, and a cold bottle between my legs in front of my computer in order to relieve the itching of the infection, causing a good deal of knee strain for hours upon hours. So I stopped sitting in the various knee-straining positions, but as the night wore on my shoulders began to hurt, and then my right wrist, right ankle, my hips, then my left thumb.

I thought perhaps I was just getting very tired and needed to sleep. I limped to bed with My boyfriend, and he took care of me, brought me things I needed. In bed, with him to wait on me, I almost felt fine. The itching had mostly stopped, and the stiff joints were not so noticeable while laying in one spot.

(Did I write about New Years Eve when I decided to eat some of my mother’s blue-berry pandowdy? It only had a cup of white sugar in the whole pan. Only some white bread. I only had a very small bowl full. Oh god what an idiot! Within minutes my hands began to sweat, my stomach began to turn, and it began to hurt so much that I stopped playing the board game, left for the bathroom and didn’t return for a very, very long time. I put a finger down my throat for the first and only time in my life, over and over and over again until the pain was gone. You have no idea how done with sugar and white flour I am. They are toxic. Maybe more so for my body than yours, but trust me when I say that it will catch up with you.)

So Monday night I get to sleep... And Tuesday morning I wake up, still in achy pain, but not so bad. I limp a little, but I can get around. Surely I’m fine. But as the day continues it gets worse, and worse, and worse. At one point, I stand up from my computer to pee (as I do so very often) and I step forward, and then this blinding pain goes through my left knee, and I try to step forward but there is no response from my left leg. (For fucking Christ’s sake, I’m fucking nineteen! This isn’t supposed to be happening to me!) I make something like a hop, or a shuffle forward with my right leg, trying to catch my balance on the desk, on My boyfriend, on anything, but my hands are weak, my shoulders are sore, and the next thing I know I’m falling... Falling is so scary. Thank goodness I wasn’t more than foot away from my chair and simply fell backwards right into it. Some other places in my room would have been awful places to fall.

Now I’m crawling. I can’t really stand anymore. My left leg won’t take any weight at all. My boyfriend took off Monday and Tuesday (mostly for me, but partly from how tired he was from taking care of me through the night) and he carried me to the from the bathroom a number of times, other times I just leaned on him. He sat me up in bed, and laid me back down again. How embarrassing. But oh how grateful I am.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. So far I’ve taken five pills of a calcium, magnesium, and zinc complex, but that’s about all I can think of to help. I don’t even know if rest or exercise is better for whatever is wrong with me. The war between my body and me is officially on, and somehow I don’t feel like I’m going to win.

PS: I really have dreamed that I had a cock before, multiple times in fact. Undoubtedly I was a man in my most recent lifetime.

PSS: Shit, I have to pee again, this isn’t going to be fun...

Life (Like It Or Not) Is Full Of People

Friday, February 29th 2008 at 8:19pm

It feels so good not to be working on the Social Club stuff today. To not be having a Social Club “rave” tonight.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 12:35am

Today was pretty good. I slept in a bit. I danced while cleaning for a bit when I woke up. I worked on my Direct Democracy of the Phoenix design for most of the day. I cleaned my bathroom. I returned my “work phone” and blue-tooth that was provided for Social Club purposes. I called My boyfriend several times and didn’t get an answer, which is expected on Saturdays, since that the busiest day for the tattoo shop. I made several phone calls. Then after all that stuff I went to game night with mom.

Tina and Megan didn’t come. I invited them both, and Sara too (Megan’s younger sister) but none of them were able to make it. It was nice anyway. Mom, Asa, some guy I can’t remember the name of and I played a game that was the forerunner to my favorite game (at the moment) Race for the Galaxy. I think it was called San Juan.

The concept of San Juan is that you are directing the island of San Juan. You can build plantations and other buildings. Plantations make resources, but only with “colonists” which are little brown circles, or as I prefer to call them, slaves because after all, that’s what they are. The plantations (except corn) also need a factory to create resources. There can’t be coffee beans without a coffee roaster for example, and slaves to work the coffee roaster as well as the plantation.

Now in Race for the Galaxy there are four types of resources instead of five. And instead of being coffee, tobacco, corn, sugar and blue (can’t remember what blue was) Race for the Galaxy has Novelty goods, Genes, Rare Elements and Alien goods. (Blue, green, brown and yellow)

In San Juan you select one of several different types of actions, which I have not yet memories. One of them is “captain” which allows you to put the resources you’ve produced (producing them is another action you can take) into a ship (to take back to Spain) in exchange for victory points. You may also trade your goods for doubloons. You may choose builder in order to spend your doubloons on buildings. But in order for those buildings and plantations to do any good, there is another action you choose (that I forgot the name of) to gain “colonists” to run them.

Whom ever has the most victory points when you are either out of colonists, or when all the building slots are filled, is the winner. Likewise, in Race for the Galaxy, when either all victory point chits are used up, or when twelve cards are played, the game ends and whom ever has the most victory points wins. I like the way both games run. Complex enough to feel satisfying when you win. I won my first game of San Juan by one point. Asa came in second. My mom was only three points behind in third place, and the other guy another five points behind in fourth place. I enjoyed myself.

Then, right after finishing the game (at 11:10pm) Mom and I went and picked up My boyfriend from work. We came home, and I played Diablo II with My boyfriend for a while. He’s all happy because someone who used to play a lot (who doesn’t play much anymore) gave him his account log-in so that My boyfriend could have his items. He had some good stuff in there, so My boyfriend is all happy about that.

And then My boyfriend stopped leveling me up in tomb runs, so I logged out and decided to write for a little while even though there is no particular topic I wish to write about at the moment. So I decided to write about my day and any other random thoughts that came to mind...

It makes me very happy to know that My boyfriend will be my husband.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 12:35am

Angel Writes Me:

Hi Atara,

Well, I know exactly how you feel when you say that you know who you are but yet you’re still not entirely mature just yet. I also don’t see myself as an adult (I’m only 16!). I feel as if this is my prime year and I don’t know why because I already found the answers last year to the questions that haunted me all my life. Last year was definitely the toughest year for me; by far at least. I was put through a lot of crappy obstacles but like I said I was able to learn from them so no complains here.

As for Darren, I decided to leave him alone for good. At this point I really can’t indicate this as a bad or good thing because honestly I don’t know for sure but my intentions are telling me that I am making the right decision. Time will tell all right? As much as his flirty behavior flatters me inside I know his only aspiration is to be this wannabe player; why would I want to help build his reputation? I can leave that to the other females who he’s involved with. I will confess though that I don’t like the idea of us “separating” but then again I can’t take it anymore so I’m done with it. I want him to miss me. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel how he made me feel. Is that selfish of me?

Honestly, I appreciate the whole “get another boyfriend” advice but I don’t want another boyfriend. I feel like I don’t need one, I’d rather be independent because once I let a dude come into my life, I get distracted easily and lose focus on my priorities. If I were to let a guy into my life, I’d be extremely overwhelmed and although that seems like a good thing, it’s not. I loathe the fact that I rely on someone else for my happiness. There are going to be times when I am not with someone and I am alone, therefore I don’t want to spend that alone time crying and wishing that someone would come along and save me. I want to be able to construct my own enthusiasm so when I’m alone I don’t yearn for somebody, you know? Besides you opened my eyes wider when you stated that he could be holding me back; I don’t want to be hampered by someone who chooses to deteriorate me.

Awe yes I would most definitely consider you lucky as well; My boyfriend is a total achievement! …

‘One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you.’ That made me giggle because I’ve made that slip-up many times. The four serious relationships that I’ve formed in the past were with males who were completely opposite than me! My first sweetheart was dull and serious. My first true love was a metal-head. My second lover was a preppy, self-absorbed jock. Darren was a so called hustler. I fall hard for guys who are different than me and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I want to see life from someone else’s standpoint.

I also know how you feel when you say that your relationship with Tre made you become someone who you weren’t. I’ve walked in those shoes many times. When I was with Darren I lied numerously, I cussed constantly, and lost all my morals. I began to gossip (which is something I rarely do), I began to judge others before I even got a chance to know them. These may not seem like a big of a deal but they were killing me inside.

I like how you wrote this out; “and after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn't end. It kept turning; life moved on, I discovered that I didn't miss him after all” I want to be able to say that about Darren in the future.

Well, about the whole self-centered thing, I know what you mean. The funny thing is whenever I try not to be self-centered I end up doing it and when I choose to be self-centered, I don’t even want to talk about myself. I love having you as a friend and I truly believe that you deserve to be happy so when you feel like nobody notices your accomplishments or when you feel as if nobody is admiring your projects, know that I am admiring it all!

I write Angel:

Angel,

It’s normal to want him to hurt and to miss you. (I know, it sucks hearing that what you’re going through is normal, but it’s also oddly comforting, right?) I used to feel that about Tre a lot. Though never about Jeremy. You’ll know when you find a really good guy when you don’t want him to hurt. Jeremy was forever trying his hardest for me, but I was so young and silly, and I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. Not that I regret it, his breaking my heart helped me to grow.
It makes me so excited reading your writing and seeing how much you’ve grown so fast. I had to read this aloud to My boyfriend. I’ve mentioned you perhaps three times in the past. He liked how you put things too, he can see that you’re mad cool.

I would write you more but I’m about to leave with My boyfriend soon. Much love and luck, write back soon.

Sunday, March 2nd 2008 at 7:55pm

I don’t know what to do with myself at the moment... Fine. If he wants to do his own thing and ignore me, then I can do the same. It’s a shame. Today was going pretty well. So much for affectionate time. Whatever.

Monday, March 3rd 2008 at 9:10pm

There was supposed to be a Social Club meeting tonight. But I forgot. Chances are that nobody showed up anyway. No one has called me. No one even seems to care. I’m so glad that all that stuff is said and done with. Working with Arrin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself through... That next to being with Tre. But I loved Tre, so that was different. I was trying to pull through this for pride and for money. I was trying to pull through with Tre for love. Tre last two years. Arrin lasted two months. Goes to show the power of love in comparison to pride and money, eh?

Speaking of the power of love... My boyfriend is making me giddish again, just like the beginning. I love how it feels to feel so in love. I love that other girls wish they were in my place. I love that there is good reason for them to want to be. I love that he loves me so much. I love that we can be mature and work things through, and that we can be goof-balls, and laugh and joke and be silly too.

I like that my life feels like it’s at least somewhat in my own hands. Or at least, it’s more in My boyfriend’s hands than in my parent’s. That makes me feel grown. I have no desire to be an independent (ie. Single) woman, ever. If I wasn’t with My boyfriend, I’d only be single as long as it took to get over him and to find someone else who’d at least fill the gap, if not be better. Though finding someone better would be quite the trick.

I want a husband, and I have one in the making. It makes me proud. It makes me warm. It puts my mind at ease. He wants to take care of me. He doesn’t just say so. There is a difference that can be detected between when people talk out of their ass to get anything they want, and those who say something that they truly mean. You can see it in their body language, and in their eyes. And when that isn’t enough, their actions will let you know.

I can tell by the things My boyfriend does... He bends. He’s flexible. He grows and learns with me. He recognizes me for who I am, and like me, he adapts to compliment my personality. Just what I asked for.

Monday, March 3rd 2008 at 9:22pm

My boyfriend,

My love. When I first met you I liked you because you came off as an individual. I could tell you didn’t just follow the pack, that you thought for yourself. I liked you because you liked me. I liked you because you were cute. I slept with you because I was lonely, and needy, and you were worthy of my pussy. I wanted to impress you, and I did.

I liked you even more as time when on. The more we fucked, the more we talked, the more I fell for you. I fell in love as you as I realized you were like me, the first one I’d met, the second of my own. The first other of my species, the first poison porcupine I’d met. I started to change to meet your needs, started to mold you to meet mine.

I saw in you the foundations for a husband. I saw in you my younger self, my older self, my inner artist that was never fully developed. I knew that I wanted to marry you after a short month of knowing you. I told you I wanted to marry you after only a week of going out, right before New Years day. I knew I wanted to marry you before it even turned 2007, before I even turned eighteen.

I thought I had seen the worst of you after I saw you drunk. Little did I know that you don’t have to be drunk to behave that way. But I knew you could change for me. You showed me that you could when you quit smoking cigarettes for me. I let you all the way in, and then even further after I returned from my trip. Perhaps it wasn’t until your birthday in July that I really knew you. I stopped seeing you as my first impression: a teenage black guy (as I thought you were) a little aside from the pack. I started seeing you as the full grown adult artist that you are. I saw you as a full combination of assets and faults.

And still I fell more deeply in love with you. I loved you first because you were like me. I continued to love you because you have the ability to change. My love for you kept growing because your love for me kept growing, along with our attachment. My trust in you grew as your trust in me grew. I saw you for who you are today through all of that time, through every argument, through every time you left, through every time you let me down. I saw you for the you that I have every day when you come home.

Your will to learn so much inspired me, and still inspires me. Your ability to work day in and day out, hour after hour, and to still come home and adapt back to me lets me know your strength, reveals to me your character. A cup of tea, a soggy bowl of cereale, a touch, a kiss, a look... You give your love to me, and show me your heart. I swell up inside knowing that you’re mine. I’ll cry when you cry and I’ll laugh when you laugh. I’ll be happy when you’re happy and sad when you’re sad... As I have been since I met you.

I’ll be ready for your cock. I’ll be ready for your words. I’ll be ready because you love me, because you care about me, because you understand me, because you trust me... And you call me. *talks to you*

I love it when you call me. I love that you get up, and you work, and you come home, and you give me your heart, and your energy, and your time. I promise to stay this way for you if you’ll stay this way for me sweetie. It makes me so happy. I appreciate everything, I really do.

You’re my cutie, my babe, my baby, my love, my citadel, my sweetie, my My boyfriend. You’re everything to me babe. Everything... I need you in my life. I’m with you now because I know you’ll reach your full potential, not because you have potential, but because you’re using it. I love that about you. I love you, for who you are... Just like I know you love me for who I am.

~Phoenix