December Blues

Sunday the 23rd of December, 2007.

It is 1:44pm at the moment.

"If you were in my shoes, you’d be thinking the same way, man," he says to me as he walks down the stairs to let El in so they can smoke a blunt.

Heh, really? Not at all. Not at all. If I had to work fifty to sixty hours a week I’d never want to go out. I just spent all that time out. Being at work, at the store and at somebody’s house is all the same to me. It’s all out as far as I’m concerned.

Why is it so odd that I’d like to spend all of my free time with him? Why is it so odd that I don’t want to party? Why is that so fucking unacceptable? Then again, why is it unacceptable to me that he wants to go out once a week or so?

It’s not that I’d mind that, if he worked... Let’s say, 10:00am to 5:00pm, Mon-Fri. Sure, then go out Friday night, and have some people over half the day on Sunday. But for him to take his entire, and only day off, and leave me alone... That is unacceptable.

I fucking proposed to him. I thought that he’d suddenly realize that I’m serious, that I want him and only him. He doesn’t seem to get it. Or perhaps he just doesn’t care that I’m dying of loneliness when he leaves me to be with a bunch of degenerates who stand around drinking soda, beer, and vodka or whatever. Yeah, let’s go hang out with a bunch of cigarette smoke. That is just dandy.

I don’t want to have a headache, be bored, still be lonely, and have to watch My boyfriend acting like he’s one of them. Damn. But it’s not an act is it? On some level, he is, isn’t he? Why can’t I just not care? Why can’t I just carry on with my bull shit when he’s not here? Why is playing a game, writing my novel, cleaning, eating... Why is everything so difficult when I know he could be home with me at the moment?

El and Ivan are here again. I don’t really know Ivan that well, but I suppose I will over time, eh? They’re playing Death Metal, which doesn’t really bother me, at least not at first. But once they start, they tend to never stop...

*sigh* I don’t even get what I’m doing wrong half the time. Perhaps there is nothing to be done about all of this. Perhaps My boyfriend just is a party person, and maybe I’m just not. And maybe I just have to deal with it or leave him, eh? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

They’re smoking a blunt. *sigh* They’ve been here for almost an hour already. What to say? What to do? I’m scanning My boyfriend’s art at the moment. Something I’ve been putting off for too long.

It’s not really that bad to have El over and such, it’s just that it’s always for too long, and usually at some point or another they start playing gangster rap, and usually at some point or another My boyfriend ends up leaving for "a few minutes" which turns out to be forever. But I’m really hoping that is not the case today.

Sunday the 23rd of December, 2007.

It is 6:42pm at the moment.

Thankfully, with a little luck, El and Ivan got out of here after being here for two and a half hours. The luck being that my Dad returned with the car sooner than I expected, and My boyfriend wanted to go to Best Buy to get this new 500Gig External Hard-drive that was on sale. So we dropped El and Ivan off at Ivan’s house, or wherever they were going to on Auburn street. It was practically on the way anyway.

We browsed at Best Buy after picking out the hard drive; looking at the digital cameras and the digital video cameras. I picked out which video camera I’d want if I were to buy one – $1000, and it had a 60Gig Hard-drive built-in, good zoom, flip out screen of course, sleek black... I’d never get a video camera again though without first finding out about how good it was at adjusting to movement and lighting. The bull-shit two I’ve had before both were terrible with movement and lighting, especially when both were an issue at once. You’d end up with a blur of nothingness.

Then we went to the Wegmands that is near Best Buy. Not the one that is on Amherst – so it was a much bigger grocery store, including a two large buffets and such. He got a sub, I picked out a bunch of things from the buffet. I picked up three packages of Rice Crisps from the Organic section.

Then we drove home in the already-dark, rainy, cold. Must have been just 33 degrees since it was switching from rain to snow to rain again. Keeping the window’s cracked to keep the windshield from fogging up since the heater in the car only works sporadically.

Now we’re finally home again and My boyfriend is questioning if he can go to some party. I don’t know what to make of that. Why? Like, as far as I’m concerned, there has been commotion all day – from Ivan and El, to being out and about. Now we’re home and he wants to be out. What’s so good about being out? I don’t get that.

Weather, bad smells (like cigarettes), noise, ignorant people, drama, drunks, gangs, lack of places to sit or be comfortable, constricting clothing, a heavy bag (or purse in my case), people who you have to figure out what you can and can’t say to. It’s a pain. When here, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful. Nothing ignorant being said, no smoke in the air, no drama. I can be comfortable, I can be as clothed or unclothed as I want. I don’t have to worry about thieves or where I left my stuff at. No bulky coat. And I can say anything I want to say. I don’t have to worry about the cold. What does he want from going out? What is out there that he can’t have here? I just don’t get it.