Home-Schooling Plans

Wednesday, July 16th 2008 at 1:21pm

Gem,

The is so key Gem! The kids with working parents grow up valuing money and things over people and love. I think that is a very key problem and I couldn’t agree more. The children who say, “I was just fine at home by myself” often would have been happier if their parents were around but didn’t know that they would be. Not that they should be “smothered” but there is such a fine line. I also enjoyed alone time all to myself as a kid, but alone time couldn’t compare to quality time with my parents, even if there is a limit to how much time parents and kids can spend together before it becomes smothering.

Hallie,

I was late in discovering that I was happier alone than with other kids. Because they never liked me, I thought that I wanted to be around someone who would like me. And of course, it is nice when someone likes you, but I find (as I’ve written several times) that one man is enough and no friends are needed if the man is up for the task at hand.

You are one of those cases where a parent needs to take their child as an individual and realize that just because it was best for themselves growing up, or good for their cousins or friend’s children, doesn’t mean it’s going to be good for their child. I’m also a huge supporter of individualization, and I understand that not all children will thrive on home schooling like I did, and not all children will thrive on stay-at-home parenting the way I did. But I think this also has a lot to do with the parent. If you’re mother had been passionate about staying at home and raising you, then you would have been an entirely different person because she was an entirely different person, and you probably would have grow up respecting her for that instead. Not necessarily, but I would think so.

Amanda,

You are completely correct! I have no experience what-so-ever with children. However, as much as I value experience as a whole, experience does not necessarily imply justified decisions, and lack of experience does not necessarily imply ignorance (in my experience, tee-hee.) For example, one of the worst mothers I know is a kindergarten teacher (in my opinion.) Her children are the most spoiled brats on the planet and her form of discipline is completely untenable. She will very calmly say “no, don’t do that,” over and over and the child will never pay any mind what-so-ever. This may perhaps be actually because she’s a kindergarten teacher, because I know how hard it is for teachers to impose discipline without getting in trouble for being too harsh.

And one of the best parents I ever met (a aunt through marriage to one of my uncles on my Dad’s side) was a mother who took absolutely no bull shit from her kids ever. She always had a rational explanation for every rule she set for them and provided this explanation without being asked. She was strict, but she was also fun. Her children are grown up now and they all are still very close to her, and it’s clear that they all respect and love each other. She said to me, “child raising is like second nature and honestly it was the easiest thing I ever did.” Or something along those lines. I knew that she didn’t mean it was easy to do all the labor and to keep up the energy to do all the little tasks, but rather, it was so fulfilling to raise them, to watch them grow, that it gave her the energy to use all of her common sense and experience to raise them in a consistent and logical environment.

From every example of parent and child I’ve seen, I’ve seen several key things that you have to have right in order to “successfully” raise your children. First and foremost, you gotta give them plenty of love and understanding, which means taking them as an individual, treating them the age that they behave, and accepting them for who they are. Second, and almost as important, is the right amount of discipline. Too much and it just becomes abusive and harmful, too little and they become spoiled, lazy and contemptuous. Third, being consistent. No rule changing, unless there is a damn good reason for it, and in that case, it should be discussed with the child at length. Lack of consistency will also make them contemptuous, and I know, because one of my biggest qualms with my upbringing was the lack of consistency.

Fourth, inspiring them. Instead of saying, “go do the dishes,” when they’re old enough to do it, and old enough to understand what you mean when you say to go do it, give them an inspiring reason. Make it a challenge, make it a game, give a reason, give a motivation, do it with them. Nothing is inspiring if you’re not doing it with them, from my point of view. I fully intend to do all housework and exercise with my children, every single time, from birth, even when they get more in the way than help. This will help them understand how things get done, and give them a sense of schedule and togetherness and team work, right from the beginning.
Health, is pretty much included in all of those, and another foremost concern of mine, as well as education. Educating them on health and keeping their health optimum is part of disciplining them and loving them and inspiring them, and two of the most important things to keep consistent. While I may have little to none experience with real-live children to back this up, I’m quite sure my concepts are correct and that I will be able to shape them, alter them, trim them and expand them as my children grow. Also, Tina’s baby is getting older and I will be able to learn through her in the mean time.

Tater,

I hate it when that happens! I save everything before I post it, be a comment or an entry or an anything. Then again, in this house things are always getting disconnected, unplugged or a fuse blows. I’ve lost probably around 150 pages worth of typed writing over the years and I’ve learned that lesson well!

I agree that the father can just as well be a stay at home dad, but I’m not interested in a career myself so that wouldn’t end up working for me personally. It’s not something I think about much because of that, but one parent at home in general is better than a nanny or a public school in my opinion.

In terms of home-schooling, you’re absolutely right about not being half-assed! I have every intention of being as complete as possible. I have a bunch of projects outlined for them such as the following:

1. Create your own board game. Board game must work and take at least half an hour to play. Assignment should take one to six months depending on their age and should be repeated once every two or three years if appropriate.

2. 3D-model your bedroom to scale in Maya. Should take about one week.

3. Homework: One art-work each week from age two until they day they move out. Art work will be on any subject and with any supplies desired once a month. The other three weeks will be on a given topic with a given medium.

4. Homework: One book-report weekly or bi-weekly (depending on age and on book) from the time they can read until the day they move out. One assignment out of four will be on any book they choose. This should be typed from the moment they can type (which will be as young as I can teach them.)

5. Homework: One short story, poem or essay weekly or bi-weekly (depending on age and assignment) from the time they are old enough to type until the day they move out. One assignment out of four will be with any content they choose.

6. Homework: At least five journal entries a week, at least a certain length depending on their age (half a typed or so for six to eight, a whole typed page or so for nine to thirteen, two typed pages for fourteen to the day they move out. Those are just length estimates however. Perhaps a certain length for the entire week... I’ll decide that detail later.)

7. Daily exercise. May be any of the following: ice skating, biking, roller-blading, any sport, or sparring against each other or myself. On days where any sport, equipment or particular weather is not available they will resort to doing yoga with me and/or their siblings and/or sparing with me and/or their siblings.

8. Daily health. At least one thing cooked and/or prepared by themselves and/or with me each day and a review of the health benefits of the meal and/or why certain ingredients were used instead of other unhealthy ingredients.

9. Weekly or bi-weekly shopping trip. The children will get money or money-credits depending on my evaluation of them at that time to spend on their food, toys and/or clothing. I intend of them having their own budget of their expenses (not including toilet paper and other things the entire household will always be using) so they have an idea of how income and spending works from an early age. If they want to buy more of a certain juice and less of certain meal or snack, then we will evaluate the health ramifications and the budget together to see if that is logical and/or possible. This will allow them a level of control of their surroundings.

And so on, and so on, and so forth. I have a zillion ideas and those that I’ve listed are pretty much the most set in stone. I’d also like them to build their own computer, to watch certain educational programs, use certain books as a study, give them a diverse understanding of religions and take them to various churches, etc.

I believe that I will not be a half-ass home schooling parent. Do you concur?

Letters To Him: Brink of Heartbreak

July, 7th 2008
Monday at 2:37am

Crusifer,

No words can begin to express the complexities of the apparent discord between us, nor the resulting emotions. I’d just as soon not wake up tomorrow, and yet I scream at myself for thinking or writing anything of the sort.
Imagery instead of description:

I see myself standing at an alter in a lacy black dress more grand than queen Elizabeth’s style. I’m smiling at first, and then slowly I start to frown and realize you’re not coming. I call you and there is no answer. I throw the phone onto the hard polished wood and it shatters. I scream but nobody can hear me and the church is empty. I use a pay phone to call you again, but there is no answer. I leave a heart-felt message and later discover you deleted it without listening to it.

I cry all day long and late into the night you finally come home. You don’t greet me and I’m lost as to why I’m not important enough to get greeted first. You don’t speak to me. I stand up and bash my head into the wall but you don’t notice. I slit my wrists and you tell me I’m being cute. I finally leap through the window and the glass shatters around my body and I scream as I land on the roof which caves under me.

I break my leg. In the hospital you ask me to have sex with you and I complain that I can’t. Brooding you leave, and I cry in your wake. You don’t answer my calls the next day and don’t visit me in the hospital and when you come back again you’re drunk but make promises to be good to me, then ask for sex again. Desperate for affection I give in, but it hurts, and you stop, dissatisfied and angry and then leave.

I discover I’m pregnant, but still you never show up at the alter, still you never quit drinking, still you never greet me when you get home, never call me and never answer the phone. I’m torn between abortion and keeping the growth inside me...

These are things I imagine everyday in vivid detail but have no guts to really act upon any of these thoughts. Like wakeful nightmares that clog my through and clench my stomach... I couldn’t give a damn if I was at home or on the street or at a job, either way I’d be dysfunctional and depressed. I can never understand why you don’t feel the same way... How can you function knowing I’m upset when I can’t even function when I feel so abandoned?

All or nothing Crusifer. You’re at nothing right now and if that doesn’t become all very soon then I’ll crack... I’m going to split open... My spirit will wail but I have no idea what I’ll do face to face. I feel broken already but I can’t bring myself to say it’s over... My stomach lurches at the thought every time. Every time I imagine packing your stuff up I feel sick to my stomach... Every time I imagine being home alone without you I clutch my stomach and curl up from the pain... Then my chest starts to ache again, and I cry again and then the headache starts... If I wasn’t such a sentimental, clingy, emotional, weak, stupid, naive, trusting, forgiving fuck then I probably would just declare it over and be done with it all... But my heart screams out about possibilities, plans, goals, dreams... Screams that I can’t just give up....

I said I would give up only if you gave up... I feel like you already have. There was no attempt worthy of note in the entire last eight days of creating a lasting love between us... Perhaps there were attempts at placating me for sex, or ensuring that we don’t break up the following morning... But no attempts towards a future, towards a marriage. I was ready to say it’s over when you were choking me. I was ready... And now I’m not anymore. I’m just ready to bury myself and never come out... Why did you have to break me like this? Why? Why? Why?

July, 11th 2008
Monday at 6:47pm

Crusifer,

You know that I believe you’re truly beautiful?

If I was constantly accused of lying when telling the truth then eventually I may give up telling the truth and just say what everyone expects me to say so that I don’t have to deal with being thought a liar. Therefor, I would turn into what I was called. “I am whatever you say I am,” says Eminem, which is just another reason to respect him.

If you tell me that I’m going to leave you and that you had better keep your friends around so that you’re not alone when that happens then I’m going to feel like it is inevitable because you believe it’s inevitable. The presence of people in your life who you shouldn’t need or want when you have me only shows that you’re not completely invested in this relationship which would make it wise for me not to be completely invested in this relationship. Eventually this can lead to break-up, therefor causing your exact prediction.

I admit, I accused you of not being able to keep to your word and said I expect you home at 5am last Sunday, so it’s no wonder you arrived at 1:00am, thirteen hours after you left. Though I find it unfair that I’m withholding against your prophesies and trying not to be spiteful and trusting when you seem to find me unworthy of your sympathy, trust or courtesy. Not that I’m saying that is how you feel, but it’s how I feel like you feel.

“The ball is in your court now,” I said to you a long time ago when I decided I had lost my power to say no to you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have given in so soon but I couldn’t help myself. You didn’t understand what I meant, and when you did understand you didn’t believe it. I gave you full reign over me and never took it back and I don’t understand why that’s never been enough.

Do I not ask your opinion enough? Is it just simply lack of time spent together? Do you feel like I’m inadequate? Do you feel like there is nothing I can offer that makes a fair trade for the things I want you to sacrifice? Are you honestly that forgetful? Do you really believe you’re better off as a carouser than as a family man?

I’m not sure what you believe will come of all of this. What do you believe is going to happen? You should consider your answer carefully, and not because you need to tell me that answer, but because you need to consider why you believe what you believe. Not “what do you hope” is going to happen, and not “what do you want” to happen, but rather what do you believe is going to happen... In your career, with your friends, with you family, with me, with your art, with your finances, in the next month, in the next year, in the next five years, in ten years, in twenty... If you believe things will go well in one area or another, why do you believe that? If you believe things won’t go well for one reason or another, why do you believe that? (We could go on to define things “going well” and “not going well” but lets just leave it at your opinion of well and not well.)

If you believe things will not go well in a certain area of your life then I ask you to contemplate why it won’t go well and what you can do about it. You should also note if you’re right or wrong over the next week, month and year about what went as expected and what didn’t, and if you did try to change something and it didn’t change or rather made something worse, then I invite you to consider that too.

It’s not that I don’t feel like you understand the importance of thinking ahead, because I know you do. I just think that your life currently is keeping you from thinking about your life as a whole and from looking deeper into what the future holds... I want to help you, and right now I don’t believe that I can because you’ve expressed to me that you don’t need help and that no one ever has helped and that no one can help. If you believe these things then there is no help for you, whether you need help in any aspect or not, and in my opinion we all need help on one level or another.

I’m a total ruin when we argue. I don’t desire to quarrel with you ever again. If you have a passionate opinion about a touchy subject, perhaps you should write me a letter about it and choose your words carefully as I have done so here. I feel like my talking is just running us in circles and I hate running in circles. I love you too much withhold my thoughts and feelings, so here is just a sample.

With love, Atara

Saturday, July 12th 2008 at 8:15pm

I guess... Sometimes lack of writing is not because I’m happy. I can’t seem to give reason to my lack of writing. I’m...

I can seem to do nothing but sigh. Every dream and hope is continually dashed and every project rendered pointless...

It’s all I can manage sometimes just to keep up with my hygiene and health and put on some semblance of sanity...

I started another novel. This is likely just another false-start, but the basis has held my interest enough that I think about possible places for the story to go throughout my days.

I’ve been getting up at a reasonable hour (between 11am and noon) and then napping from 7pm to 11pm and then staying up until around six in the morning for three or four days, until today, when Crusifer decided not to wake me up and I didn’t get up until nearly five o’clock.

All my ambition comes from love and nothing else and it seems this has been so since birth. As a toddler and young child it was for the love and admiration of my parents. As thoughts took over instincts I sought friends, but that failed me on every front. So then I sought sex, which in itself didn’t help much, but the relationships that developed around it gave birth to a new self; a self that understood what I wanted better and better with each month and year.

Now that I understand myself enough to know what drives me... I find myself in the greatest despair of them all. I realize that the things I want are...

I feel like my head is so heavy to hold up. My chest is constantly aching, especially around Crusifer. I find sex to be desperate and drug-like with a heavy kick-back to reality afterwards. No amount of salad seems to be helping and I’m not about to believe that this condition is food-related. I’m quite certain this is a disease of the mind and soul. (No need to include “heart” since the concept is included in the mind and soul.)

Catch 22...

Let’s say that I break up with Crusifer... (This thought makes me physically sick to my stomach... But for writing I’ll hold on a few minutes to think about it...) Say I get over my heart-break and lethargy after a few months or a year or however long it takes... Whenever I fully recover the only thing I’m going to want is to be back in love again. Hopefully I won’t be desperate or stupid enough to take the first thing that falls into my lap, but chances are that I would be stupid and desperate enough to do just that.

What good would it do?

Let’s say I stay with Crusifer... Say nothing changes. He continues drinking, he continues to excel as a tattoo artist... He continues to believe I’m trying to “enslave” him and that I’m a manipulative, lying, typical woman who can’t be trusted... I continue to feel trapped and lonely and miserable and unable to feel like he is mine....

What good would that do?

Yes, it was the right thing to do to break up with Tre, but that was so different. Tre was stealing and Crusifer is providing. Tre was messy and unkept whereas Crusifer is neat and often practical. Tre was violent where Crusifer is more brood-ish. Tre smoked five to ten times a day (weed) whereas Crusifer smokes every other day... And yeah, Crusifer has a bunch of faults of his own that I’ve already documented but none of them are so bad as to make me outright hate him the way I came to feel towards Tre in the end... (Right before the near-apathy set in.)

It was even the right decision for Tre’s sake. He went to college, and he’s doing well from all that I know and can tell, and he’s married to a woman who is better suited to him. All of that worked out for the best... And I knew when I left Tre that everything would work out for the best... But it’s just not the same with Crusifer at all...

If I were to leave him now... He’d turn away from the part of himself that I love so dearly and almost unquestionably turn into a “player” and party himself to death. I don’t believe he’d ever go on to having a family and if he did, not a particularly loving one. As for myself... I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive myself... If this feeling in the pit of my stomach is a taste of the resulting emotion... Then I’m not sure how I’d survive...

But I can’t go on with these antics about marriage and children with Crusifer. These romantical notions I have in my head won’t fly and that’s that. No matter how much I cry over it, denial will do no good. Crusifer won’t make me his first priority in life. He won’t quit drinking for me. He won’t give me the courtesy of a phone call to let me know what is going on...

I say these things so harshly and outright for me to believe them, not for anyone else really. I need to believe it so that I can get past it somehow.

I find it so hard to cry these days... It’s like I can’t let myself go. I’m afraid if I let go enough to really cry that I’ll never resurface... So I do this sort of silent leaking of the eyes and pitiful moaning, and sometimes I just find myself frowning until I have a headache, dry-eyed and quiet. None of it helps.

I run all sorts of advice through my head... Like that nice lady at the psychic meet-up group who told me I needed to find a mentor. I liked her a lot and she made me warm up to the group when I would have been much more withdrawn. And then from there I think about C’s offer to be a mentor to me (my ex-boss when I was a web-design intern) when I met with him for advice. But a mentor to what? I want a life-mentor and I’m not sure I can just delve into the problems that concern me most with him... Or anyone.

That’s why I have this blog after all... I guess I’m hoping to find my mentor online or something... It’s a lot easier when they can see you crying... I cry through so many of my entries. I can’t talk while I’m crying, but I can type. I can type almost coherently while crying, but I’d never get out two sensible words trying to talk and cry... Crusifer says all my tears make him feel bad. I’m sure he feels guilty and I’m sure he wants to change, but I don’t think any of his emotions towards me are strong enough to make him really do what it takes to be a good husband and father... I used to think it was possible, and hang on to that hope... But lately that hope is drifting away as night after night is just another heart-break...

Hm... Angel hasn’t written me back yet. I feel desolate... I’m not even tempted to bother posting this...

Tuesday, July 15th 2008 at 12:57pm

It’s difficult to grow accustomed to recognizing the possibility of permanence not being the direction this is all headed, but it’s becoming a part of reality to me. This is only still holding together as much as it is on his insistence that he wants this to work and that it will work. Time will tell.

In completely unrelated news, I’m trying to learn to mod games, starting with my all-time favorite, Civilization. I’m trying to start by using other people’s mods and the mods that came with the original and the expansion and combining them, so far without much luck. I’ve joined an online community of mod-makers to see what I can learn from them.

An another unrelated aspect of my life, my Aunt Mary was not able to move out due to paperwork technicalities in getting the house she wanted and through the whole ordeal has not been able to pay rent for something like four months now, putting the entire finances of the house under more strain than they already were. Also, a good friend of hers died of cancer very abruptly just a few days ago so she’s in a really tough time right now. I’m not sure what to say to her when I see her so I don’t say much of anything.

Tuesday, July 15th 2008 at 8:03pm

Post to Civilization Fanatics Forum:

I'm so sad to find that someone IS having the same problem as me, but that no one knows WHY.

I've spent about 10 hours total trying to get Fall from Heaven to work... Oddly, it doesn't seem to work on EITHER of my computers, which are totally different models. One is a desktop; dell, about three years old running on XP with decent stats only just now starting to go out of date, and the other is a laptop; only six months old, running on Vista with high-gaming stats.

I have the same issue on both computers which led me to think I was the one doing something wrong. But I've tried fresh installations following the exact directions and only switched from getting one error to another.

I'm going batty over it. Nothing is fulfilling when you know people out there are playing a fantasy-mod Civilization IV. I don't think anyone gets how serious this is to me. I played Test of Time (just because it was fantasy and in the Civ world) for four freaking years without really playing any other games at all.

And despite my distaste for the general way Age of Empires Engine runs, I also played Saga (online) and Age of Mythology (offline) for a great deal of time because so few games contain trading and building and strategy and fantasy all in one game. Fantasy is not just for RPG folks! ANYWAY, I digress.

Point is, what can be done about this error? There must be more than two of us!

Wednesday, July 16th 2008 at 12:52pm

Was it the weed? Perhaps. Nothing like weed to give you a full night’s sleep, even if I was a bit twitchy at first. It brought back memories of Tre saying, “will you please stop moving!” Crusifer of course, can sleep through anything, so it wasn’t his saying anything that reminded me, but rather my own annoyance at my twitching.

I think I’ve smoked about four times in the last year since I quit, and I have not drank at all since I proclaimed myself done with drinking last April. The only reason I really smoked at all in the intervening time since I said I was done with it is because... Well, there isn’t any real excuse. I can’t say, “oh, well, it’s medicinal when used at the appropriate time and in moderation,” and call that a real excuse when there are plenty of other things like hot baths, warm tea, standing in the rain, a long bike ride, a walk in a well-flowered area, a thoughtful entry, fruit, organic chocolate (though I no longer indulge in it because I don’t find that even worth the cane sugar in it, organic or not), a conversation with an old acquittance or my mom... Etc.

Nevertheless, my “excuses” or “reasons” are valid to some small degree. In each case I was with Crusifer and him and I alone. I’ve never accepted weed in company since I quit. For one thing, I don’t like looking like a hypocrite in public, (or much in private either) and for another thing, it’s really bad to talk a lot of shit about health and then do any type of drug casually with a bunch of people as if that’s just okay or something.

So why then, even when I’m alone? Pretty much to ease the stress I’ve been having with Crusifer. One of the three or four times was during a nasty argument. I was on the edge of losing my control, on the edge of doing something stupid and I could find no rest in my thoughts, no rest in any activity, and every action and word between us was just making things worse. He wanted to escape into his weed, and at that time, I concurred. We smoked, and then once the calm had set in I lambasted him calmly, reasonably, logically and with a straight face. I needed no emotion in my face or words, only the calm, true words, to express themselves. I spoke the way I write an entry, with few pauses and many good points. I found release, and at that time, I counted it worth it, and I still do.

I have not gotten “high” like I did that night since I quit. I was really blasted that night, but last night I only took in enough to participate in the activity with Crusifer. Enough to put me to sleep at a decent hour. The truth about weed? It’s benefits: increased relaxation, increased appetite, increased inclination to laugh or cry, increased inclination to rest and sleep fully and soundly. It’s side effects: slow mechanical ability, forgetfulness, laziness, mood-swings, and intense cravings for food. Basically, it’s side effects are it’s benefits, all except for the lung damage, teeth damage and possibility of a receding gum-line. But, I do believe (especially in a primitive culture where a hot bath is not readily available) it has medicinal properties worthy of note.

So was it the weed? I woke up this morning feeling great, but no, it was not just the weed. Crusifer brought me tea. We had excellent morning sex. I took a shower. I ran up and down the stairs to get to and from the bathroom. I have energy. I feel good. I suspect a good night’s sleep, some good morning sex, and Crusifer’s company all have something to do with it. I also suspect that getting Civilization IV’s mod: Fall from Heaven to work last night (after hours of struggle) may have helped. It feels good to be back!

Home-scholing vs. Public Schools

Later on in this entry:

“If those limp things called “nuggets” have any nutritional value I’ll be damned, and ketchup which contains more sugar is not a vegetable. Nobody actually eats the half-cooked broccoli or string-beans (which comes in a portion rightly-sized for a tad-pole). They don’t offer butter to the cooked vegetables which are served cold half the time. Pasta and white breads dominate the main courses which is almost as bad as the sugar. All of this leading to empty-calories with no nutritional value and this is what we’re feeding our growing children!”

---

Monday, June 30th 2008 at 7:26pm

Apparently breakup is back on the table, only this time it’s him talking about it, and not me. I feel so down... I feel heavy and empty and unable to enjoy anything. I slept from around 8:30am until around noon when I woke up while Crusifer was heading out. He said something, and I said, “no, don’t do that because...” I made some sort of sleepy joke. He got mad and I don’t know why. He left without saying any kind words to me. I fell back into a depressed sleep and my mother woke me up less than half an hour ago. I’m too sad to be disgusted with myself.

9:36pm

If I let go for even a moment... The world will sweep him away from me.

9:55pm

I dread the time passing. Days become weeks become months become years until I can look back once more and feel a failure again, and again, and again.

10:19pm

The internet is clicking in and out, interrupting my time-consuming watching of music videos to ease my soul’s aching. It seems to have clicked decidedly out.

10:35pm

The “Potential Breakup Song,” by Aly & AJ is top of my playlist right now. I heard it for the first time today. “Unwritten,” by Natasha Beningfield is my second for it’s inspiring nature. “Paralyzer,” by Finger Eleven I have as third but in a way it’s first. I heard it for the first time a little over a week ago and completely fell in love with the rhythm of the song if not entirely the lyrics. “Rockstar,” by Prima J is fourth because it always makes me want to move.

10:50pm

I have no drama left in me at the moment. I wish to curl into a tight ball now.

Wednesday, July 2nd 2008 at 12:03pm

Noon it is, and soon I shall be asleep. I’ve been awake since six o’clock in the afternoon yesterday... Not terribly long time, not like twenty-four hours or anything, but enough that I’m having trouble functioning any further at this point. I had this idea a while back that I might get up at 11:00pm (to see Crusifer when he gets off work) and go to sleep again around 3:00pm. Nice idea, allows me to work with my mom on the attic from 1:00pm to 3:00pm at least, and if I go to sleep late, no matter I might nap while Crusifer is in bed. Only problems is that I never end up sleeping with Crusifer, I just get to see him all night while he is asleep, which is fun and nice and all...

I have not actually pushed my hours that far yet, but since I got the idea I gave up on forcing myself to sleep when I didn’t feel like it, which has resulted me in staying up as late as now so far, and getting up as late as eight o’clock at night. I’ve ever split a couple nights into long four hour naps which worked quite well. I’d like to move towards that but... That requires getting up after four hours of sleep which can be difficult.

12:20pm... Off to bed.

Thursday, July 3rd 2008 at 7:40pm

I wonder if Crusifer will be willing to go to “Dance Alive” tomorrow and watch the “Blood Thirst Vegans.” I went last month (while he was at work) with my parents and had a blast. This time he’s off of work for it because it’s the Fourth of July. I hope I can convince him to dance with me. If not, he’ll just have to watch. I guess I could tell him he could bring his laptop... Though that might not console him in the least since he’s wiped his laptop and been trying to remove Vista and replace it with Windows XP for the past week. He’s been successful in replacing the system but is having trouble getting all the right drivers installed.

I’m re-reading the Temeraire series again. I didn’t want to spend more money on new books again. After I re-read the Temeraire series I’m going to read the Riddle Master of Hed, which is where my first name comes from. (I’m a princess in a book!) My mom read it to me when I was eleven or twelve or so, but I don’t remember what happens anymore. After I read that, I’ll probably read that book my Dad gave to me called the art of love or something like that. He also gave me a book on utopias which I intend to read, just not sure when.

By then I’ll probably be ready to re-read Flesh and Spirit and Breath and Bone by Carol Berg. I’ve come to the conclusion I love re-reading books. I love having books that I find worth re-reading. I’ve come to truly love reading, which is a complete reversal of my childhood hatred of books. Of course, reading gave me a headache when I was little. I think this is more normal than my parents realized. I bet the headache was only from the mental struggle to turn the letters to words and the words to sentences and the sentences into a story. I had more trouble with that then most kids it seems.

Anyway... Crusifer seems to be changing. He’s coming to understandings that I find truly remarkable... He’s internalizing the things I’ve said to him and integrating them into his perspective which just a few weeks ago I thought impossible and too much to hope for. I guess I underestimated the bounds of his personality. I really have to admit to the one-sidedness of my writing. I make everything out to be more than it is just by the passion I put into my writing. I can’t just say “I’m upset.” I have to say, I’m wretchedly burning from the inside out at this outrage that has come to me through no blasted fault of my own! Or, I hate how stupid this is. If only I hadn’t opened my damned mouth and made a bloody ass of myself!

Not that my emotions are overstated, but the situations most certainly have to be. Otherwise how can I be so forgiving? I think that would be an overstatement of my virtues. (Something must be overstated here...) I suppose it has more to do with my personification of Crusifer. His actions can make him appear to be completely heartless, and when I only describe those actions without the events that gave him motive, without his background that built his character and without accurate recollection of all of his compassionate actions, then it seems that he’s being stupid, uncaring, harsh and an ass-hole with no reason other than to be abusive. Yet his personality really isn’t abusive contrary to much of what I’ve written about him.

Anyone getting the feeling I have nothing in particular to write about and that I’m just wandering from one topic to another? I suppose I’m getting that feeling.

Friday, July 4th 2008 at 8:17pm

“Living for me... This is the potential break up song, our album needs one... Oh baby, please, please tell me... You took too long, you took too long, you took too long, to call back, and normally I would just forget that, except for the fact that it was my birthday, my stupid birthday. You’re not living until your living for me... This is he potential make-up song, please just admit your wrong... Which will it be?”

Saturday, July 5th 2008 at 4:42pm

Angel writes me:

HEY!

First of all, again I don’t feel in the mood for writing. Lately, I’ve felt like sh#t. You know what? I’ve been eating a lot of the foods that I’ve given up on for months so my body is reacting badly but I can’t seem to quit eating the crap… My acne and pores are slowly welcoming themselves into my life again. My weight is adding up slowly. I feel a lot less energized and all that…….

Anyway, I was visiting my aunt again for awhile so I been gone but now I’m home. I think I’m leaving with her again later on today (it’s 12:30 A.M. right now) I think I’ll be there for another week IF my aunty says yes….. *sigh* my mother gave me full permission to spend the entire month there but I’d rather go see you…. let’s hope it happens.

Hmm… I’m not as creative or as talented as you but playing with crafts sure sound fun. They all sound awesome to me. I’m excited.

Well, I’ve never been to another state so I don’t know how anything really goes… I think I’ll ask my mom’s cousin to help me out because she’s been to NYC a few times before. I think if I am still going then I should be there on the twenty-first. I’m saying, “I hope” and “I think” in my sentences because everyone’s telling my mother how expensive the trip is and how I’m going to need a lot more extra cash because “everything costs a lot in NYC." Don't feel like someone just let you down because I HATE to be one of those persons ... I'ma make this happen. =]] No matter what.

Ha-ha-ha tell Crusifer that he doesn’t need to worry about me stealing anything from him. I don’t steal; daddy raised me better than that. Well, I’ve only been called “hot” about 5 or 6 times but most people say I’m “cute” I’d have to agree with the whole “cute” statement better but yeah I’ll send photos of me… I’ll just attach them with this e-mail.

As for sleeping with your man, I don’t think I’d feel too comfortable with that. I mean he is YOURS after all………. and I’m a virgin; if I never mentioned that before. I’m not bi either but I do pass comments to females such as “You’re beautyful!!!!” Is that normal? Yeah. I’m sure it is.

No, you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all. You can say whatever you want and I’m sure I’ll be okay with it. I’m glad you’re slowly realizing that I’d never forget you or leave you alone. I promise you (And I only make promises I’m capable of keeping) that I’ll always be here for you. You saved me in some way… =]]

Perhaps we can be the sort of real friends that we’ve never had before and outlast all the silly changes in life which tear people apart. <-- again, I love the sound of that. I believe we can make it happen.

I was wondering, how do you "research" flights with the internet?

I have more things to write but man it's 1:19 A.M. and for some odd reason I'm tired. Usually, i'm in bed at 3 or 4. I suppose it was a long day after all. I'll write more later on but if I don't then... that means I left with my aunt.

I've attached photos.... um, my hair is actually a bit purple/red now. Well, not entirely, just the highlighted pieces.

I write Angel:

Angel,

My mom and Crusifer are willing to fund your trip here. My mom is willing to pay for your flight and Crusifer is willing to pay for your food for the week, so if that’s the issue, forget about it. My mom thinks it’s important you visit here (she reads my blog so she’s read our correspondences) for the benefit of your education and important for me since I never meet anyone that lasts as a friend. Crusifer is interested in meeting you and doesn’t mind you using the other bed/couch.

All in all, there is nothing stopping you except your parent’s permission. Since were not financially ship-shape I wanted to see if your parents would pay for the flight, but if not my mother thinks it’s important enough to reach for you. In terms of airline research, that’s important. You want the best deal you can get. I can do the research for you if you want, I’d need your address or at least the address of the nearest air-port to you if you already know where that is. Then I can connect your airport to the Buffalo airport via a bunch of different airline sites and see which one has the best rate for the proposed dates and see if any small modifications would make it significantly less.

I suppose I’d need your home address if we were to pay for your tickets regardless because we’d need to have them sent to you. (I’m feeling that sensation where I feel like a stalker, but there isn’t anyway around it...) And now that I think about all of that I’d need your full name, and possibly your mother’s name... How old are you? If you’re still under eighteen then you might need a parent to sign some papers in order to fly on an airplane alone.

On another note, New York City is a long ways from Buffalo. In fact, without leaving the state it’s almost as far as you can get from Buffalo. Buffalo is a cheap dump, and NYC is an expensive dump and most everything in between are small nice little places, except for a couple places like Niagra Falls and Rochester which are relatively big, moderately prices and not too dump-ish. Buffalo, for example, has some of the cheapest housing in the nation because it’s a city that everybody is leaving. Anybody who wants to do something leaves Buffalo for California, Geogia or Florida. Some people live in Buffalo because it’s so cheap and drive all the way to NYC (a six hour drive if you break the speed limit and go as fast as you can the entire way, which some people really do) to work for half the week or half the month and stay in their car or hotel while there.

In terms of franchises we’re alike to any other city. We have K-mart, Wal-mart, Target, many Exerds, many Rite Aids, a couple Wegmans, a couple Tops, a couple ALDIs, three large malls and two small malls, and a bunch of other standard ho-hum things like Barnes and Noble, Blockbuster, Hollywood Video and Gamestop. The prices in those places are pretty much fixed and will be the similar if not the same from one to another, unless of course you really were in New York City, because I wouldn’t be surprised if those same stores were more expensive there.

On a slightly different topic, one of the nifty things about Buffalo is that it does have a variety of small businesses that are not nation-wide and a number of festivals that are unique to Buffalo only. I suppose I’ll have to take you to Thursday in the Square just for the experience even though I no longer particularly find it interesting. In addition to Thursday in the Square there are once a year events like the Allen-Town Festival which is an art-show of hand-crafted things that goes all the way down Allen street and Delaware street... For perhaps thirty blocks, perhaps a tiny bit less. There is also Juneteenth which is the black-culture version of the same thing on the other side of Buffalo. There is also the Taste of Buffalo which I’ve never been to. And there is the Gay Pride Parade which I’ve been to a couple of times. All of which have already passed except for Thursday in the Square since that is on-going.

There are other cities that do have many festivals, but I can’t name any off the top of my head. There are a great number of assorted conventions in any big city, but those cost big-bucks in general. An abundance of free-festivals seems to be pretty rare. When I was on my road-trip with my Dad we passed through mostly cities that looked very identical to one another. I’d say about one out of ten cities has it’s own flavor that can be identified just by passing through, and the other nine are a collection of standard houses and franchises. I’d concluded when I got back that there was no point in leaving Buffalo unless I was leaving the country or moving to California.

I’m a tiny bit surprised to hear that you’ve never left the state. Plenty of people I know have never left the state but it always surprises me. I forget that I’m fortunate to have been to as many places as I have. I’m always brooding over all the places I haven’t been, like to Japan and Egypt. Speaking of which, if you ever want to go to Japan, start saving now. I’ve come to the conclusion that it would take about 10,000 for Crusifer and I to go together for about a couple weeks. 2,000 in air-fare alone no doubt, and perhaps another 3,000 in hotel bills, and we’d want to spend at least 1,000 on buying stuff that is unique to Japan, and then with the remaining 4,000 there is food to consider and the cost of attractions and navigating Japan itself. So, if you wanted to go, if you could save enough for your portion of air-fare and we ever actually go, then perhaps you could come with us. It would be a chance you probably wouldn’t get otherwise... Crusifer is very set on seeing Japan some day and I’m fairly interested in it myself, though I’m mostly interested in seeing Egypt on the way. I want to see the Great Pyramids more than anything in the world.

It sounds like a lot of money, but I know that we’re going to start saving towards it seriously very soon, and once we start saving towards it, we probably won’t stop saving until we have enough to go... It may take over a year to save that much, hard to tell. Nevertheless, if that is something you’re very interested in doing you should start saving now, and if it never happens then put it toward college. (It’s easier to save towards a trip that sounds exciting and that may possibly happen than to save towards the far-off notion of more schooling. Either way, having a lot of saved money towards a large and important life experience in general is a good policy.)

Anyway, we need to correspond more over the next few days without long gaps so we can settle some things. I need the location of your nearest airport to research the cheapest airline possible. And I need to have you let me know how much you can afford at maximum so I can budget in how much everything will cost total and where everything is coming from. It also needs to be determined (if you’re not eighteen yet) if you can ride a plane alone, and if generally not, what can your parents do to make you able to do so assuming they are willing to sign whatever papers it may take and such.

And as an afterthought, you’re very pretty. Cute and hot can also apply, but I think pretty is the term best describing the pictures you sent me. You have a face that can look a number of different ways depending on angles and expression. I’m positive you can make expressions that are cute and hot and beautiful as well, but generally I say you have a pretty face.

~Atara Phoenix

PS: I’m positively shocked to hear you’re eating junk and dealing with the repercussions. As your big sister I’m demanding that stop eating junk immediately and go on a diet of brown rice, tea, and fresh vegetables and fruits! Your intestines, brain, liver, and other body-cells should be your first priority over hunger, funds, fun and friends.

Sunday, July 6th 2008 at 8:00am

I just watched an episode of The Tyra Show that has settled into my stomach like a rock. There is a controversial topic that upsets me more deeply even than nutrition, though nutrition plays a large roll in my beliefs in this other topic. That topic is child-raising, and whether you should be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. And that was what this episode of The Tyra Banks Show was about.

I felt that the stay-at-home moms were poorly represented to begin with. There was one European woman on the show who was the only logical supporter of staying home with the kids. For the working moms they had two specialists who had written books about how women ought to work. I felt that these two very intelligent women were not faced with an argument worth hearing except by the European woman, but no one would credit her because this same woman also feels it’s right to breast-feed her children as long as the child deems it of benefit, and in her case, it was to about seven years old in both of her daughters. They had video footage of the older daughter talking about how breast milk was “better than mangos.”

In the debate that went on through the show no one really talked about home-schooling which is the more deeper point to me. I feel so strongly about it because of my own experience growing up. Children, universally, shouldn’t be home-schooled because their parents may not have the knowledge those children may receive from school, but the school doesn’t have the knowledge they need either nine out of ten times (or more.)

I say this with conviction because of all the different schools I went to both public and private. I’ve attended a city-acclaimed public school for half of kindergarten through second grade, was home schooled for third grade, went to a private school for fourth and fifth grade, transferred to a private catholic school but dropped it after only two months in favor of another year of home schooling and then went directly into eighth grade in a public school, transferred to a different public school for freshmen year and yet another sophomore year and then ended with Junior year and Senior year at Grover the international public school. With that much experience of the local schools and even one more distant school which was private I’ve had a good taste of the local teachers and students both.

My conclusions? My parents taught me to add and subtract at home before I was taught at school. I didn’t like to read despite all my parents attempts to get me to read and refused all reading assignments at school flat-out until pretty much high school. I learned algebra from my mom starting in third grade and didn’t get to the most basic of it in public school until eighth grade by taking the high-school algebra class alongside the eighth grade math class. (Incidently I did better in the high school math class because I thought it was more fun and interesting.)

At the private school I learned some things about Norse and Greek mythology that I had not previously learned from my parents, but my parents doubled what school taught me once the topics had been brought up. My father taught me out of an eighth grade science book shortly after I dropped the private catholic school and I had no trouble with the assignments. Turns out that was the standard book and I had to repeat the same things in eighth grade the following year.

My parents taught me more on the subjects covered in school while we did homework together or while watching the History channel or while reading me books or even just talking to me. My mom did flash cards to help me learn the capitals of different states. Not once did any school teacher ever tell me that Albany was the capital of New York. Before my mother taught me this in seventh grade I hadn’t even realized states had capitals or that the city of Albany existed.

I found that the vacations my parents took with me were more educational that the school field trips that I went on. My parents took me to Texas as a child where I saw a different life-style though I was too young to absorb anything other than the different life-style’s feel. At fourteen we went to Myrtle Beach where I saw the ocean for the first time, saw a red moon for the first time (which I’d never seen before) and dealt with a particularly bad yeast infection (which is something never covered in school). My Dad took me on a road trip shortly after I graduated high school where I learned about inter-state highways, the things you need for travel and the things you don’t need. I learned about different parts of the country and how they differ and how they are alike and about different types of people. There were other trips and conventions and locations, but those were some of the most life-changing. School field-trips took me to Darien Lake (the local amusement park) and fed us ice cream and let us ride a total of two rides all in one huge group. Oh-so-fun. My parents took me to the local museums regularly as a child, as well as Darien Lake, the renaissance festival and other such activities.

I learned so much more from my parents that this is only the tip of the ice-berg. From my mother’s own personal experiences and from her day to day life I learned more about health while I was growing up in just a few weeks with my mother than Health Class ever taught me in high school. In fact, by the time I took health my senior year I already knew more than my teacher about nutrition and found the class to be and on-going debate between her and I about a number of topics. I admit it was fun to debate the numerous health-related topics with her, but in general I found it more educational to debate the same topics with my mom or her friends.

This aspect of stay-at-home mothering was never covered at all on The Tyra Show which made me rather upset. However, that’s just the beginning of my argument for mothering at home. In fact, that’s like the preamble.

I’d like to combat the socializing myth next. I’ll start off by saying that in a “natural society” with no city, and no electricity and all of that, before we had all of the resources we had today, that a social-unit was a family unit. Children learned from their siblings and parents, or in other words, they learned from their elders. In a small community they would also learn from their grandparents, the head of the village, the village elders, and when they were not busy with their family or working they would get some time to socialize with other children their age.

Some contact with other children allows for play-time, but this is by no means a way of learning to socialize in the real world. What is appropriate to say when you’re nine to another nine year old is not what an adult should say to an adult or what a nine year old should say to an adult. This is not preparation for being an adult, it’s just a healthy dose of having fun with other children who are at a similar stage in life.

Another import thing to consider when debating “how much child to child socializing should occur?” is that every child is unique. How much socializing one child wants or needs is going to vary a lot from child to child, and it’s going to vary with their age as well. Clearly babies of four months don’t play with babies of four months. Why not? This may sound like a stupid question, but just answer this question for yourself. Why can’t two babies of four months old play together? They have not learned to talk yet, or to walk yet, or to eat for themselves yet. They need adults to survive and to learn. How has that really changed by the time they are four years old? They still have a lot to learn about growing up, about what to eat, what to wear, what to say, what not to say, not to wear, not to eat. They have to learn about manners, hygiene and getting themselves up and ready by themselves in the mornings. Yes, playing with other four-year-olds will be fun for the child, but to better motivate them to grow a child of five years old or perhaps as old as six may be better, especially an older sibling. The older sibling will be protective, caring, understanding, willing to teach and willing to play all at once. How is that of less value than socializing with other like-age children in a school?

Socializing with other children of the same age from seven in the morning until two o’clock in the afternoon is seven hours of time learning about being your own age. What is really educational about that? The only things they can learn from this is how to enjoy themselves (not to diminish the important of self-enjoyment) and that other children are different not just because of their age but because of their personality. Yet both of these things can be learned outside of the school environment and neither of them has to be introduced in such a way at such a young age in order for good development of the child.

Many mothers report that the child in a public school and the child who is being home schooled have different levels of social capacity and use this as evidence that being in public school is of the utmost importance for their socialization. For this notion I have three things to say, the first of which being that adult interaction is clearly different than child interaction. Second, any parent home-schooling their child should not isolate them, especially if they are an only-child, and if they do, then shame on them, not shame on home-schooling. Third, a lot of social learning can be caught up in a short period of time. I made up for fourteen years of not being able to socialize in the last four quite well and decided for myself that I prefer to socialize with my family, but I have no problems socializing with the Mary Kay women, or the people of the Unitarian Church, or Asa and his gaming friends and so forth. I find that learning how to socialize with adults is actually less complicated than socializing with other children.

Another point I want to combat (that no stay-at-home mom took issue with on the show) is the confidence. Several working moms claimed that their child was learning confidence by spending some time alone and by spending most of their time with other children. Why on earth would that be true? And even if that’s true for a lot of kids, it certainly was the complete opposite with me. Public schools tore my confidence down to zero. The other children were harsh and cruel and silly and stupid. They didn’t give me any drive to better myself, and the teachers gave me no motivation either. All I felt was singled out, cast aside and alone. I classified myself as an outcast by first grade. Don’t you think that is a bit early to feel like you’re on the outside? I believe public schools did that to me. I was interested in learning while the other children wanted to play. I liked math and mustard whereas they liked talking and chocolate milk and that made me a nobody in the classroom.

I didn’t learn to socialize until I was fourteen, about the same time I started my online blog and fell in love for the first time, and had a house-fire and a bunch of other life-changing events. I gained confidence through a number of things all unrelated to socializing at school. I gained confidence my freshmen year through improving my grades and becoming student of the month and being called “teacher’s pet” and through becoming an artist. None of this was acclaimed by my peers and as of then I had no friends at all, but the praise of my parents and teachers was enough to start building the confidence that the cruel children had striped from me.

Oddly I gained a lot of my social confidence through sex. Having a steady partner to sleep with made me feel grown up. I couldn’t get a job through I put in a zillion applications. I couldn’t take advanced courses in school. I couldn’t be respected for my creative clothing ideas. I couldn’t find friends who liked to play board games with me or to do crafts with. And because I couldn’t relate to my peers on any of those levels and because I would not compromise my morals to behave like them I found my social confidence through having a partner. (The raging hormones was the reason I started having sex in the first place, don’t mistake me there. I didn’t say, “this will make me feel better about myself” and then start having sex. I said to myself, “sex will probably feel really good and scratch this itch that I can’t seem to scratch on my own.” More confidence just happened to be a benefit that I was unaware of at the time.)

Having a boyfrined and having an intimate relationship both physically and emotionally gave me something that outsiders couldn’t take away. Friends came and went as fast as the dandelions pop up their heads in the sunlight, and soon I just called everyone an associate or a peer so that I wouldn’t be upset when they decided to dislike me. Boyfriends however tend to be a bit more loyal to you through the closer bond that intimacy brings, bringing a lasting feeling of worth that I could not derive from school.

My point on the confidence is that it can be found in a zillion different ways, and “having friends” is not the only way to gain confidence, and school isn’t even the only way to make friends, making the connection between home-schooling, stay-at-home mothering, schooling, friends and confidence all moot.

So now that we’ve established that schools don’t always teach more than parents and that confidence doesn’t have to come from socializing at school I’d like to move on to the limitations that school actually imposes on the child.

For one thing, it limits their diet considerably. They may have a school lunch or a packed lunch. I bet you most working moms don’t pack a lunch, and if they do, I’d like to point out that lunchables do not count. School lunches offer chocolate milk alongside real milk which is a disaster in it self, as if kids are not spoon-fed enough sugar as is. (Sugar leads to candida, ADD and juvenile diabetes, all of which lead to misinformed treatments which lead back into the same conditions which caused the problems in the first place. Look up Dr. Mark Hyman via google for more information on this topic.)

If those limp things called “nuggets” have any nutritional value I’ll be damned, and ketchup which contains more sugar is not a vegetable. Nobody actually eats the half-cooked broccoli or string-beans (which comes in a portion rightly-sized for a tad-pole). They don’t offer butter to the cooked vegetables which are served cold half the time. Pasta and white breads dominate the main courses which is almost as bad as the sugar. All of this leading to empty-calories with no nutritional value and this is what we’re feeding our growing children!

There isn’t enough calcium in one of those little milk cartons for a new born baby and it is expected to be big enough for high school students. For my own part I always grabbed two while making sure that nobody was looking and often I was still thirsty. And, also as another slight to the terrible food conditions of students, the weight I lost and the improved health I experienced after I graduated high school and educated myself (by myself) about eating organic whole foods. School never taught me a damn thing worth knowing about health.

When a mother is home-schooling their children they can cook breakfast, lunch and dinner together. School never taught me to cook and I didn’t end up learning to cook until very recently. I only learned how to make rice last month. My Dad works, my mom has worked on and off and I was busy with school, and when I wasn’t busy with school or boys my parents were teaching me more important things than cooking. If I had been home more of those years instead of in school I could have learned to cook while simultaneously receiving a better balanced diet.

You can’t honestly tell me you’d rather feed your kids a school-lunch or pack them some snacks then teach them to cook, bond with them and feed them a fully balanced meal.

That there would be enough to rest my case, but actually, I do not rest my case here at all. Yet again, another uncovered topic on this episode of The Tyra Show that was supposedly all about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms was the passing down of family values and traditions. For a country that often claims our kids are growing up without values we sure aren’t doing much about it.

Public schools supposedly give an unbiased view of religion and morals. What’s funny is that the only reason it’s unbiased is because the information about different religions and about moral logic is scarce. I remember that my freshmen year history teacher covered all the different religions of the world rather hurriedly and crammed them on to one test in block of about one week. One measly little week of thirty-minute classes a day. I was fascinated, but they never cover anything in depth in public schools because the slowest kid in the class is always still not grasping (either purposely or ignorantly) the basic concept of what’s being taught.

I learned absolutely everything I know about morals and religion from my parents. They gave me a truly unbiased look by taking me to three different churches (Christian, Baha’i and Unitarian) and also talked to me about a handful of other religions. My mother once took up a one-night job as a Tarot Reader as entertainment at a bar mitzvah which served as more education on Judaism than I ever got in school. (There was also a great-deal of dancing which served as entertaining exercise which was more than I ever got at school as well.)

My mother insisted I go into Girl Scouts and with them I once toured a Synagogue. My parents also had me watch religious movies such as “Jesus Christ Super Star” so that I could have an illustrated view of these beliefs. And as many of my readers know, my parents also taught me the lore of Zacharia Sitchin which puts a different slant on all religions. (Google Zacharia Sitchin for some stunning information you really won’t believe, even though I believe his work is to be truthful and enlightening.)

And my point here is that schools do not give an unbiased religious standpoint at all because they don’t teach us enough about any of it for the kids to make heads or tails for themselves. Not that I care either way on people’s religious believes of lack thereof, but this could be a large part of why atheism is growing so rapidly.

In terms of morals and family values, nobody out there can teach that to a child except the parents. If the parents are not at home then they are teaching the child that the values of the family are to put school, work and friends before family which I disagree with whole-heartedly. Work and school is terrifically important, but neither should ever, ever, ever come before family. And friends can just be forgotten and left out cold for all I care, your family should always come first because your family care about you on a deeper level than your friends can. In amendment to that, some friends are family. When a friend is not just your friend but the friend of your parents, children and spouse, they are like a brother or sister to you and the entire family and that is fine, especially in the cases for people who either don’t have families or don’t have loving families. However, in the case of spouses I believe that hands-down your spouses needs should come before everything in your life and there wants should always be considered with high priority as well.

In the case of children, I’d say their needs should come before everything and their wants should come after the wants and needs of both parents. Kids don’t always want what is best for them or know what they need anyhow, but after all, that is what I’m talking about in the first place. Children will want for themselves whatever you show them in the most glorified manor. If you covet your ice cream they will want some, if you covet your lima beans, they will want some. It doesn’t matter what it is that you hold highly, because as a small child all they see is that it’s most important to you and therefor most important to them.

Seriously, missing-father syndrom is enough of a physiological issue for children today, why should they have missing mothers too? Just because the mother is home at six o’clock and sees her kids for a couple hours a day and perhaps one day on the weekend does not mean the child won’t be hurt by her absence. That child will latch on to someone, and if it’s not the mom, then it lies outside the control of the mother what values the child adopts. The real issue here is that many children adopt the values of other children and then bring these nonsensical values into adulthood, such as an incurable selfishness.

But never mind the physiology of it, because everyone wants to combat that with the social bull shit, and I suppose no one is going to give a damn about their health or their children’s health no matter what I say. So lets get back to my own personal experience which may hold more weight with those who do understand that an individual is, well, individual.

As I’ve already stated I spent two years home schooling, third grade and sixth grade (which ended-up doubling as seventh grade at the same time). During those two years I learned a lot about my parents and their personal ambitions. I learned a lot about my family and by learning about them I learned about me. Some of the women on The Tyra Show expressed that they felt like they were losing themselves by staying at home and that’s why they went back to work. I feel that on that point it is completely up to the individual where their “self” lies. My self will never and can never be found in a job. I find myself in my family and in my crafts and I feel like going to work is constricting my character, not enhancing it. To my bitter disappointment, nobody countered that point on the show either.

Starting to wonder what the stay-at-home moms had to say? They said that they needed to bond with their children and that leaving them off at school sometimes made them cry and that they felt uncomfortable in work situations and that staying at home was where they belonged and that they took pride in cleaning and cooking. Yippy-shit guys, you didn’t say anything that these working mothers couldn’t tear you apart for. I was completely let-down by their side of the story entirely.

Bonding, while very important, is all I ever hear as a reason for home-schooling and for moms staying at home, and the working mothers just love to counter that with how this is limiting the child and making them dependant. I can hear the weight of this argument, but children are meant to grow up and good parenting will make them do so while bad parenting won’t. If the parents don’t give the children chores to do then they learn no responsibility and become coddled. If the parents shelter their children too much they may shy from the cold hard world. I believe that a good dose of the real world and appropriate responsibility for their age and encouraging them to get a part time job as a teenager and allowing them space, time to themselves and enough social time to serve it’s purpose will allow them to separate naturally and not miserably.

I remember my first day in Olmstead 64 as a traumatic experience. I was lost, confused, upset and I felt abandoned. I remember feeling deeply hurt. I have no idea what I said or did when I got home that day, but I remember the intensity of that feeling like it was yesterday. Going off to Summer camps I found to be fun, educating and a natural way to separate from parents for a week. The trick here is asking the child if they want to go, so they are committed when you send them packing. Public school, being required, is not something the children are asked if they want to do or not, and I think that while a number of imposed things are important for discipline that a natural dose of freedom helps the child to develop as well. After all, we may know a lot about what’s good for children from our own experience and from that of others, but noone can tell you what your child feels except for your child.

I dropped the private catholic school and turned to home schooling as a desperate plea to my parents for help. I hated the school with a passion and I’m positive that spending an entire year there would have hurt my confidence to the point where I might not be the person I am today at all, but rather a timid girl still thinking herself unbelievably ugly.

That brings me to yet another point. No child should ever be called ugly because they are too young to understand “beauty is within” or that “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” and so forth. Children feel ugly when they are called ugly and that’s just the fact of the matter. Telling them that they are beautiful over and over is not going to spoil them (but coddling them because they are beautiful most likely will spoil them).

Who do you think is going to tell your child that they’re beautiful at school? Probably no one. School made me believe I was ugly because I was called ugly so many times. Kids are awkward creatures that will do all sorts of things that will make them appear “ugly” to other children, or do things that encourage name-calling which will include all sorts of hurtful slights to their appearance and other merits as well. The natural protective instincts of parents lead them to telling their children how wonderful they are so they can build a good self image. Timid children are not as motivated and are not going to do well in the world if they mature into timid adults.

Yet as I’ve already said, much of this has to do with the individual. Some kids grow a tough skin and get over it while others just feel worse and worse about themselves over the years. I didn’t grow tough skin until my relationship with Tre, and that was unrelated to school and wasn’t until I was seventeen years old. At that point the damage had been done and school was almost over and I had continued hating it to the last day. I look back on school with the utmost disdain. I was miserable and I wasn’t learning more then than I am now in the least.

In fact, all that pressure to be social made me believe I had to be social all the time, it made me believe I needed to be social to enjoy life, and now I know that I can be happy with very little socialization outside of my family. In fact, I prefer seeing my family and spending time with my family to anybody out there. (I consider Crusifer family of course even though he’s not yet my spouse. After all, he is living with us.)

In conclusion, I plan to home-school my kids until high-school so they can build their confidence at home first and then go meet the cold-hard kids of today’s world. I want to be a stay-at-home mother and wife because a family needs a lot of love and a working father is often drained after a long day’s work and he needs the vital energy of his wife to praise him and coddle him so that he can build up his strength for another hard day, and the children need her vital energy to grow and learn. If she’s giving out a lot of, or most of, that vital energy at work then she is putting her family at a disadvantage.

You probably can’t change my mind, but I invite you to leave a comment about your feelings and experiences if they are similar or if they are different. I’ll be happy to respond in my next entry. With regards,

Atara Phoenix

PS: This entry took me two hours and ten minutes to write! Yikes!