Crusiferr has given me more, emotionally, financially, physically and passionately than anyone ever has. He’s given me more to relate to. He’s given me justification for my own actions, my own beliefs, fantasies, morals, wants and desires. He’s given me a foundation for my plans in life, and for the love I need to have throughout this life. He’s given me hope to attain my dreams.
With him, I can be an artist, a writer, a video-gamer. I can digital paint along side him. Things between him and I are simply... Beautiful. I want to make sure that I never forget that. It’s here, it’s written. Don’t even forget Atara.
It’s not that I’ve stopped writing, it’s just that I’ve been writing else where. I’m writing in the Saga forums for about an hour daily, like I usually would in my blog. I’ll be back to my writing eventually. This gives me a chance to catch up with my printed journal anyway. That is, if my printer ever works again.
Crusifer woke me up this morning with a cup of tea. The preferable way to be awoken in my opinion. It was a kind gesture after yesterday. Sunday night my boyfrined spoke about how he was slacking, and how he was going to start giving me back rubs and making me tea again straightaway, but Monday morning he was off with little more than a peck on my sleeping face. Not that I complained, or even really noticed. I didn’t take it as a promise to make me tea, nor did I take it as being that serious.
I woke up when Mom called me at 2:45pm. She told me she wanted me awake because the cable guy was coming to see what was wrong with our cable. After all, he might want to check on my cable box up here. I climbed out of bed, naked, and agreed it might be a good idea to put some clothes on. He never did come upstairs, and I hardly noticed because I was shortly immersed in the Saga forums on my laptop.
Heh, that’s when I stopped writing, wasn’t it? When I got my laptop.
My boyfriend has been pining over getting an alienware computer since I met him. He looked at the desktops, the laptops, and so forth. He wanted one bad. He kept telling me how he was going to get one. I looked at them in a dismissive manor.
“That’s a lot of money to pay for a pretty computer.”
He spoke a lot about getting me a laptop for Christmas. He even sold his second-hand laptop in the hopes of going towards my laptop fund. I don’t really know what stopped him from spending everything he had on a laptop then, but something made him decide to buy me two corsets from hot topic, two pairs of gloves also from hot top, and two pairs of matching thongs, as well as my first game consol, a play-station. To this day, I still don’t think he’s ever bought me any jewelry.
I have to smirk at that thought. I still love how much he is not anything like Tre. The slightest reminder to how miserable I was in that relationship and I get paranoid. Or if my boyfriend acts like my father does towards my mother, I start questioning things. Not because I doubt my boyfriend, but because I doubt men. I know it’s wrong, I know it’s exactly what my boyfriend does, when he calls me a typical woman. I hate hearing that.
But I don’t think Crusifer is a typical man. I don’t think that at all. He’s more flexible in his brain. It’s slow to change, like mine, but it changes. He changes. I like a man that grows and changes, but it’s also frightening, because knowing he works similarly to me, can suggest certain things. my boyfriend goes to work each and every day, ten hours on the job, tattooing degenerates, working with degenerates, and talking to them, acting like them... I’m so afraid how much this might begin to seep into him.
So far the way he is with them is only a shell... I think. I don’t want that to change. I want him to grow and change with me.
But he’s strong, and he’s passionate about me, so for the most part, I don’t have to worry about my relationship anymore. Yet... I’m human. I do worry, I do fret... I’m always looking for perfection. I’m always looking for more. Isadora Wing calls it the hunger-thump. It’s a good name for that feeling inside, that craves, that thumps, that beats, pulses, bangs, pounds, pouts, screams, tingles and burns for love, for attention, for affection, for being wanted, for being needed. Humans want someone else to hunger-thump for them. Not to merely love them. Could love ever be enough?
Love doesn’t mean anything if the person can’t show it. All women know that, at least, all women who want romance, who wander from one man to the next wondering if any of them will ever truly love her. Maybe the man who beats her does love her. Maybe the man that cheats on her does love her. Maybe not quite, but maybe that’s as close as he gets to being in love?
And yet my boyfriend is unlike that. He expresses his love... Just not very romantically. He’s a man of subtleties.
His voice cheers me up immensely. I was feeling kinda down about how this morning went. Last night wasn’t anything to be happy about either. His day went on like it started: rushes, stressful, etc. He called me at 10:30pm. I appreciated the call, that he was letting me know that he’d be late, and even letting me know why. I could hear the frustration in his voice. He wanted to come home, but there was some sort of meeting at work. I guess his boss kicked one of his co-worked in the nuts twice. Talk about degenerates, that’s just retarded. Not because his boss has a problem with this guy, but for the hell of it.
Crusifer obviously doesn’t take that shit, and because he doesn’t want this particular employee of the tattoo shop to quit, he took it upon himself to try and tell the guy that he needed to stop taking that shit, the way he doesn’t take that shit. I don’t know if my boyfriend succeeded, I don’t know if he even knows. He made at home at 2:30am, just about when I expected. I consider a night over at about 2:00am. At that point it’s time for cuddles, possibly sex, and then sleep. Rarely do I actually sleep at 3:00am... Last night I got to sleep at 5:00am, again.
He was odd when he came home last night. He wanted my affection badly, his eyes seemed lost in themselves, he was lost inside himself. He reached to me with one hand, to distract me from reading. I was a page and a half into a new chapter inside “How to save your own life,” by Erica Jong, the second book in the Isadora Wing series. I had started reading because he wasn’t talking, but he obviously didn’t want me to go anywhere, so I laid myself across him, reading.
I could tell by how gently he touched me that something was troubling him. It’s that timid “it’s okay to touch you, right?” sort of touch that he’s giving me. And beyond that he’s touching my head. Oh how I love my head to be touched that way. But he never does that. He usually touches my waist, or my hands, or thighs, back or breasts. Never my head. He played with my hair, scratched me, stroked me, all above my neck, pleading for something silently. That something couldn’t be identified, only felt.
He grabbed my chapter holder and pushed it inside the book. I closed the book and set it aside. I touched him back. We chatted about touching, on and off about his day, not covering more than on little detail in several paragraphs that mostly consisted of “it’s just fucked up” and “hard to understand” and “don’t know what to do/say sometimes” and “you just don’t know the people I work with” and “had to do it” and “if only people could see that” and so forth.
I listen, but he doesn’t offer much information to me. He doesn’t want me to talk to him, he wants me to love him. And when he asks for love, he doesn’t mean to touch, to talk, to listen, to be next to each other... He means sex. Not that I dislike this about him, but it certainly isn’t easy for me. He’s a passionate lover, full of kisses, full of consideration, full of lust, full of uninhibited fantasy and desire. He may not express his love with jewelry, roses, poetry or long walks in the park, but he sure can show love through his cock, his lips, his tongue, his eyes, his hands... Especially his tongue.
I think this is why I changed. I think that’s why I can’t handle him fucking other girls anymore. I wanted to give him that freedom. I wanted to be understanding, giving, loving, and untraditional. I wanted to be modern and clever, and above mere human emotions. How foolish was that?
It was very foolish. I now envision my jealousy as a pretty golden box, covered in jewels with a heavy lid on the top. Every time something makes me jealous, it goes inside that box. It’s being filled up with water, but this water is roiling, toiling, tossing, crossing, angry water. But as long as it’s under the heavy, beautiful lid, I was okay. The box wasn’t large, but it was large enough that I was able to hide inside it.
I hear my boyfriend laughing outside with El, back in the summer time. They are sharing a blunt, and using the laptop (now sold) to listen to music. They’re cracking jokes that I can’t fully hear, but I can hear his laughter. I can hear how happy he is, to not be with me. A drop of water enters the box.
I’m on my road trip, and he calls me, clearly drunk, and he lets me know that he drank all the devil springs (that was mine) and shared it with some girl, and that he fucked, he says. Drop, drop, drop, drop, and then a cup enter the box. I cry some of it out, I sleep some of it out, but the box is not empty, it still is damp after these things.
He tells me he fucked another girl before I get home from my trip, and this time it doesn’t hurt as much, because he tells me it wasn’t good, that he didn’t enjoy it. He’s tells me I can fuck other guys to top it off. A few drops enter the box.
I did fuck another guy. I didn’t enjoy it. It was pointless. I was drunk. I quit drinking that night, and have not drank anything since. I got home from my trip, and we mended back together, but still, the box did not empty.
He fucked another girl some months later, a few months ago now. I took it with a grain of salt... Or at least with a spoonful of salt that I dropped inside the box to try and absorb some of that emotion. I didn’t know it yet, but it was starting to fill up. It had reached a point it never had before.
Another girl he fucks, and he can’t stop telling me about it. I asked him to tell me, but I’m changing. My jealousy is changing me, and I cry, and I burn, and I fuck him, trying to steal back my man. Trying to feel like he is mine. It’s not happening though. He doesn’t feel mine. She felt his tongue and his cock.
At first I think to myself that it’s only the time I’m jealous of. That if he just fucked the girls at work or something, and still came straight home to me, that I’d be fine. So he does one day. He fucks this girl Rocsanne.
One month ago (around the 3/1/08 time frame, since this conversation is over two or three days) her and I had the following IM conversation:
Me: [2:30 PM]: So what did you think?
Rocsanne: [2:30 PM]: Of???
Me: [2:32 PM]: Of? What did you think.... Of my boyfriend's dick... Of course. lol
Rocsanne: [2:37 PM]: Ahhh...*smirk*I loved it. He told me you gave him permission so we went with our plan and I enjoyed *smirk again*
Me: He said he took like four minutes to bust (if that) because you're so tight. (Undoubtedly due to your height?)
Rocsanne: [2:40 PM]: He did but it was still worth it. His moaning in witched turned me on even more.
Me: [2:43 PM]: Hey listen, I've been honest and straightforward with you since I first messaged you on myspace. So I'm not going to stop being honest and straight forward now. I only ever told my boyfriend he could fuck bitches so he could bring them home. But lately I've been realizing that not only do I want them brought here, I also want proof that they don't have some sort of STD... Like a doctor's slip or something. And then I started realizing that it's impossible to find a girl we both find attractive who is willing to not only do all of that, but to also not try and steal my man. Most girls want to be #1, not some random fuck. Not that trying to steal my man is a big deal or soemthing, it's not like it would work, but it does piss me off when bitches try to do that. I've been realizing lately that if him and I are going to fuck with other girls it would have to be our girlfriend, and she'd have to be down with me as much as she's down with him. And I'd have to be down as hell with her. So basically what I'm getting at is, this arrangement isn't really what I had in mind. So unless circumstances change, don't exact anything more out of this. No offence or anything. I don't have any problems with you personally.
Rocsanne: [2:48 PM]: Maybe you weren’t clear with core when u told him he can fuck other girls. I attempt to ask and said u were ok with it. I undrstand ur still cool as hell in my book and i do see were ur coming from
Me: [2:50 PM]: Well, you see, I was clear, and I was okay with it. But then he started going out just to hang out with other girls. And I told him I didn't like that. So he fucked you at work, and that's cool and all, but it still was bothering me. So I wasn't going to say anything to you, but I figure, if you are cool enough for my boyfriend to say he's "crushing" on you, then you're cool enough to understand where I'm comin' from. The whole reason I told him he could fuck around with whomever he wanted in the first place was because I understand what it's like to be in love with someone, but have a fixation on someone else. And by not fucking the person you're fixated on, you only become more obsessed with them. At least that's been my past experience. However, my boyfriend is different from me in that way. He just loves to fuck. Whereas when I was in my past relationships and I was obsesssing with other guys, it was because my relationship wasn't good. I know that now because I'm content with my boyfriend because our relationship is so good.
Rocsanne: [2:52 PM]: Im glad u brought it to my attention dear.and im glad core told u. You have an honest man and i wld nvr take him away from you.
Me: [2:55 PM]: He's really a sweetheart. And you seem like a cool person yourself. Afterall, if you were a bitch, right now you'd be cussing me out and calling me a "dumb white slut" or something, lol! But yeah... His moaning is very sexy. It makes me jealous knowing he made an noise at all with you. He only moans like one out of ten times we have sex. (He gets self-consious of it, lol.) I always told myself that it didn't matter if two people who loved each other fucked other people if they both understood it was just sex. But now that I've actually tried it out with my boyfriend, I see why it's so hard. As logical as it is not to care, no one can stop their emtions, not when it comes to someone they love.
Rocsanne: [2:58 PM]: I wld not call u any such names dear i keep my cool and put my self in ur shoes to undrstand where u r coming frm. u and i have no harm
Me: [3:00 PM]: You're incredible with that texting. I can't stand texting cause it's so slow. I don't even like writing by hand ever since I learned to type. Anyway, the only other thing I wanted to say before I let you get on about your business is that if you still want fuck with my boyfriend, it's cool and all, you'd just have to come over on Sunday. And I'd really like to see something from a doctor.... If I did see something like that, I might be inclined to practice my tongue skills... :)
Rocsanne: [3:00 PM]: im sry i had to jump on the pc you were writing to fast for me on the phone very hard to catch up
Me: lol
Rocsanne: lol hold on wile i read this now please lol. i do understand you its good to hear someone wanting a dr note not many ppl ask for it during sex lol..but i will tell you this iam single and clean i never had anything and i have always been clean and careful. it was ok that you interupted me from my business I was stuck cleaning and needed a break so i thank you for that
Me: [3:03 PM]: lol, I know how that is. Of course, you could always come over and hang out when my boyfriend isn't here too.
Rocsanne: [3:04 PM]: it sounds acceptable
Me: [3:04 PM]: My terms? lol!
Rocsanne: [3:04 PM]: your terms?
Me: The terms I said for fucking my boyfriend, lol.
Rocsanne: [3:04 PM]: i hear you
<
b>Me: You said "it sounds acceptable" and I was wondering if that's what you meant.
Rocsanne: on that note, i said acceptable for me coming over, did core tell you he did more ink on me, he does such a good job and i always find it funny that its always done in a place were he will see more skin. more of me
Me: [3:06 PM]: lol, He said you kept getting tattooed obsessively, as though you'd tat up you're whole body until you got fucked, lol.
Rocsanne: [3:07 PM]: lol *smirk* lol true, I love when he does my ink in some way it turns me on when he does it i will not let any other artist touch my body but only core
Me: You know I fucked my boyfriend the first day I met him? He has very compelling eyes.
Rocsanne: he does and i will tell you that he really does. you have a great man dont lose him
Me: [3:09 PM]: I won't. I told him I'll fuck him every night if that will make him come home to me every night. (I already cook and clean for him as much as he wants/needs. lol)
Rocsanne: [3:11 PM]: ahhhh...he is a man that loves sex and i am a women that loves sex i loved to be pleased and love to give it back inreturn and i find it odd core loves sex as much as i do...to let you off on a good note i will promise you this i will not take core away from you.i dont want to harm your relationship..we like eachother all tho. i promise he is all yours. i respect your wishes
Me: [3:12 PM]: He's such a nimpfo. I was that horny when I was going through puberty. Like he says, he's the nimpho, and I'm the freak. lol. You should come by on Sunday... ;)
Rocsanne: is that an offer? lol
Me: [3:13 PM]: Well, yes... Indeed. If you have something that can be caught by mouth, I already have it. heh. And you seem cool as hell. I'd like to meet you.
Rocsanne: what are you talking about caught by mouth?
Me: [3:14 PM]: Well, some things can spread by kissing. Condoms don't protect your saliva.
Rocsanne: lol oh yes i know. i was lost im sry
Me: So as I said, if any of us had a mouth thing going on, then we all got it now. lol.
Rocsanne: oh no i have nothing but a tongue ring, and lots of piercings and ink, dont worry i keep my body very clean
Me: [3:15 PM]: That's cool with me. I don't begrudge that stuff. After all, my boyfriend has ink and tattoos. (I have none, lol.)
Rocsanne: i have that order where i have to be clean all the time, i dont remember what its called but i hate to be dirty, almost like that show monk, lol
Me: [3:16 PM]: I know what you mean, it's called... I can't remember what it's called either. A character in a book I recently read has it.
Rocsanne: [3:16 PM]: lol, yes thats me... your character is me lol
Me: [3:17 PM]: Obsessive compulsive?
Rocsanne: [3:17 PM]: yes
Me: The character in the book washed his hands eight times every time he used the bathroom.
Rocsanne: i brush my teeth 4 times a day, just to make sure they are always clean
Me: [3:18 PM]: I guess I'm lax about being clean in that sort of way.. I always make sure I'm clean before I go out though.
Rocsanne: [3:19 PM]: mouths are the most disgusting part of the body and cariny all the germs. so iam very sterile about my mouth and keeping my body cleansed, well back to cleaning again it suxs but someone has to do the job..thanks for talking with me and being open on your thoughts with me and me being understandable. your a kick ass chic and very down to earth
Me: [3:22 PM]: Hey wait , Before you go
Rocsanne: [3:22 PM]: yes
Me: You wanna come by Sunday? Don't tell my boyfriend, it could be our surprise... What do you think?
Rocsanne: [3:23 PM]: hmm...trying to find a way down there will be impossible but i can say i do love the plan very sneaky yet so worth doing
Me: Where do you live at?
Rocsanne: but i do promise if i do find a ride i would love too, eastside 10 min away from hardcore, bryson
Me: [3:24 PM]: You could bus. But I hate buses, so I understand if you don't want to bus. lol.
Rocsanne: i hate buses as well, I should be able to think of something. i would like for you to meet the infamous Rocsanne
Me: [3:25 PM]: That's cool. You can IM me tomorrow. I should be online. lol. You can meet the notoriously freaky and blatantly honest Phoenix.
Rocsanne: [3:26 PM]: ok hunny well back to cleaning and cooking i will talk with you later if i see you or yet there is always tomorrow. have a good day sweety
Me: [3:27 PM]: Okay, ttyl
Rocsanne: later... by the way before you go have you seen the ink core has done on me
Me: [3:28 PM]: On your myspace?
Rocsanne: yes
Me: [3:29 PM]: loading up myspace now
Rocsanne: ok hunny
Me: [3:32 PM]: Awesome music
Rocsanne: you may leave pic comments if you feel you feel in the mood too
Me: [3:33 PM]: One of my favorite songs
Rocsanne: i love linkin park
Me: Me too. They were sweater when they first came out though
Rocsanne: have you recently checked out my other page
Me: Nah, I don't think I've ever been to it
Rocsanne: very emo
Me: "I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy, a place for my head..."
Rocsanne: love my choice of song on there also *smiling* i love my background love anime
Me: [3:35 PM]: You like anime too ?
Rocsanne: indeed I do
Me: Heck, maybe you should come see me today.
Rocsanne: and why might that be
Me: [3:36 PM]: I donno. Because I sorta assumed you were hood or something. I never thought you'd like music I like, or anime, or be a reasonable person, lol. My boyfriend did all those tattoos you have?
Rocsanne: no im very skater and hardcore cav will be the one to tell you that also, yes he did
Me: That's quite a few, lol.
Rocsanne: oh and punk rock, yes the ones on my back he did not do tho
Me: [3:37 PM]: The skulls are cute
Rocsanne: he drew those up himself, he said to me he did not want someone having the same ink as me on there body so he drew those up for me
Me: [3:38 PM]: Yeah, he's cool like that, I think my favorite thing about him is the fact that he's a real artist.
Rocsanne: [3:38 PM]: yes i agree, did i really approach you as a hood person??
Me: [3:40 PM]: Not really... I just... Assumed? Most of his customers are very hood.
Rocsanne: [3:41 PM]: i see its kewl, im no hood hunny lol, punk rock hardcore and kater is me, skater
Me: [3:42 PM]: Please call me anything but hunny, it makes me feel like I'm a little kid, lol. I like foxy... Even babydoll... Just not hunny.
Rocsanne: ANYTHING FOR YOU BABYDOLL
Me: *grins big as hell*
Rocsanne: [3:43 PM]: as i give off a *BIGGER GRIN* knowing she liked being called babydoll
Me: I'll admit that I'm pretty wet right now... I might have died last night when he told me that you were not only tighter than me... but wetter too... *makes sad face*
Rocsanne: [3:44 PM]: im sry
Me: He told me after he came all over me. lol... It's okay, it's not your fault your sex is good.
Rocsanne: [3:45 PM]: i know but feling bad is the way i chose not to feel when i know he is all yours
Me: But I'd like to see that wet and tight pussy. That's making me wet right now... lol.
Rocsanne: [3:46 PM]: *grins & blushes*
Me: I like a girl to be shorter than me too. Maybe this could work out... So tell me honestly, what percent would you say you are for guys, and what percent towards girls? Like 50m/50f or more like 20m/80f or 60m/40f.... etc.
Rocsanne: [3:49 PM]: 60m/40f
Me: Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at all. Mostly cause chicks don't have dicks, lol.
Rocsanne: i just have a big attraction towards women they turn me on, lol
Me: [3:50 PM]: I notice that when I'm watching porn though, I always watch the girls.
Rocsanne: me too
Me: And the same when I fantasize. The guy is a shadow, and the chick is in vivid detail.
Rocsanne: lol, well i have to get back to cleaning now
Me: [3:51 PM]: heh, heh. Yeah, that. Okay.
Rocsanne: i enjoy our conversation today
Me: I should clean too. Me too. I'll ttyl later. Feel free to stop by...
Rocsanne: [3:52 PM]: ok babydoll... I forgot 2 tell u iam always open if u wld like 2 i.m me i always have my phone...
Me: [8:37 PM]: Right, right. What's good? I'm looking at your pics on myspace.
Rocsanne: [8:38 PM]: on vent, i notice
Me: on vent?
Rocsanne: ventrilo its where you can talk to other than typing all the time
Me: [8:39 PM]: Heh, I see, (Typing doesn't bother me, I do it all day long, lol.) I don't have a mic. I have binders full of my journals (typed) I have several hundred typed pages of novel writing
Rocsanne: wow
Me: I have several hundred typed pages of misc. writing like poetry, ideas, and lists
Rocsanne: hold on one sec
Me: Sure *continues to look at photos*
Rocsanne: [8:40 PM]: ok
Me: [8:41 PM]: I like how you guys pose the pictures. You do a lot of creative stuff.
Rocsanne: yeah we are always tring to be different
Me: [8:42 PM]: You should just come over Saturday (tomorrow) and sleep over. :)
Rocsanne: brb *stomach growls*hungry
Me: [8:44 PM]: Who is the guy that (obviously) broke your heart that you make reference to a lot in your photo captions? The more I look at you (for some odd reason) the more you remind me of my ex-girlfriend Tiffany... (That isn't particularly a bad thing. Though it's not particularly a good thing either...)
Rocsanne: [8:51 PM]: ewww
Me: ewww?
Rocsanne: ???
Me: [8:52 PM]: I'm confused. :-\ What ethnicity are you?
Rocsanne: [8:53 PM]: American Indian, Irish, polish, German, Canadian, Scottish
Me: [8:54 PM]: heh. A white mut like me, huh? Except I don't have any Canadian. I also have Italian in me though.
Rocsanne: lol
Me: And I'm half English, plus all those other things, except maybe polish.
Rocsanne: uhuh
Me: So what did you say "ewww" about??
Rocsanne: [8:55 PM]: I was a reminder i don’t like being reminder of someone’s past
Me: Oh, I see. Well, Tiffany was cute. lol. You make some faces like she does.
Rocsanne: [8:56 PM]: i see
Me: All this time I thought her odd expressions were totally unique, but turns out you pull them off quite well. Though I think you look cutest when you're just like half-smiling
Rocsanne: [8:57 PM]: i think so also
Me: Your captions keep crackin' me up.
Rocsanne: thanks, i try to make funny ones alot to bring humor
Me: [8:58 PM]: You do it well. I made a half-hearted attempt to add funny captions to some of my pictures. It didn't work very well. lol.
Rocsanne: hmm... so did you like his ink he did on me yesterday
Me: [8:59 PM]: Which one is that?
Rocsanne: under my boob
Me: The bats? Pretty cool, but I like the skulls better.
Rocsanne: [9:00 PM]: so do i
Me: [9:01 PM]: It's already 9? Yes!!! I hate the long days of My boyfriend working... *sigh*
Rocsanne: yes i know if you can perhaps you can have him call me, i wanted to hear what happen yesterday
Me: [9:02 PM]: Heh, he hates actually calling anyone. He'd be more likely to text the whole goddamned thing. lol. But he said that Frank said it was cool. Nobody really knew all like that. So he said to me earlier today.
Rocsanne: who knew then
Me: Well, I forget the one guys name
Rocsanne: [9:03 PM]: raph
Me: Not Raph, and not Frank...
Rocsanne: Steve?
Me: My boyfriend played it off to Raph as though it didn't happen Perhaps? Who's the other guy?
Rocsanne: thats good fatboy?
Me: [9:04 PM]: Other than Steve... Joe? I donno, maybe he said Steve or Joe... Someone other than Raph, Danny or Frank knew...
Me: And apparently kept snickering and smiling at My boyfriend all day yesterday ("all day" being how long after there was)
Rocsanne: wait what. who was staring at core?
Me: [9:06 PM]: I donno. Some dude I can't recall who seemed to know, cause he kept walking by My boyfriend's station with a look or something. My boyfriend mentioned it last night when he was worrying about it. He didn't know how things might go over today. But he said today that no one seems to really know.
Rocsanne: i wanna know who this guy is??? does he work ther?
Me: [9:07 PM]: Probably Steve or Joe
Rocsanne: steve tall white guy fitted cablack cap
Me: I don't talk to anybody who works there, so I don't even know what most of them look like. All I know is what Danny and Lucy look like, and not even all that well.
Rocsanne: this is gonna bother me until i know
Me: lol
Rocsanne: [9:08 PM]: im texting core right now to find out whom this mysterious man is
Me: They might not have actually known My boyfriend says this dude just kept looking at him as if they knew. Probably just knew that you guys were in the bathroom. But if it was only a few minutes, no has to know that you guys weren’t just making out
Rocsanne: [9:11 PM]: i hoping core texts me back to know whom this misterious man is
Me: [9:13 PM]: Heh. He might not... I said a lot stuff last night (in jealousy of course) that he might take in such a way as to not talk to you much. But the more I think about it, the more I want to actually meet you and stuff. I was just busy being jealous last night. Like I said, you should come by Sunday. He'd never suspect it.
Rocsanne: [9:14 PM]: well he never text me, witch makes me wonder whom this person is
Me: [9:15 PM]: I donno, probably Steve. Because from what I know, Joe makes mountains out of mole hills, so if it had been Joe, My boyfriend probably would have been worried about that.
Rocsanne: [9:17 PM]: mole?
Me: mole-hills are animal created hills I think, and they're small, like the size of an ant hill or something.
Rocsanne: hmmm
Me: [9:18 PM]: Anyway, you never responded to my suggestion of you staying over tomorrow night.
Rocsanne: i di can really say that i know what you are talking about. oh im sry. impossible i leave for youngstown to morrow morn
Me: [9:19 PM]: Oh yeah, what are you doing out there?
Rocsanne: dirt bike ryding and bonfires. its something we do on saturdays
Me: [9:20 PM]: Oh that's really cool. When do you come back? I was talking about coming over at like 9pm or something
Rocsanne: [9:21 PM]: i always get home at midnight or a little later
Me: Oh I see.
Rocsanne: [9:22 PM]: sry i would of took you up on the offer if i was not busy
Me: [9:23 PM]: Understandable... So perhaps you could solve your ride issue by getting dropped off here afterwards. We're up until like 3am or 4 on Saturday nights. Just a thought. I donno if that's reasonable or not.
Me: [9:41 PM]: I so want to talk to you in person. Somehow I feel like I have this connection to you... through My boyfriend's cock?? lol.
Rocsanne: hmm..i unstand what your saying but then again im kinda confused
Me: [9:43 PM]: About the game, or about the connection? lol
Rocsanne: connection? inform me a little bit more
Me: [9:44 PM]: I donno, I feel like I know you or something. Like we've been friends a while now.
Rocsanne: really hmmmm...
Me: [9:45 PM]: Or like you've been a part of my life for a while. Perhaps because My boyfriend talks about you? And I've been on your myspace page a lot...
Rocsanne: perhaps that might be it but may i ask a question to you
Me: Sure. I'm never taken back by questions
Rocsanne: how much does my boyfriend talk about me
Me: [9:46 PM]: Hmm.. Well.. Obviously we talked about you last night... Probably for like half an hour or so. Maybe more
Rocsanne: [9:47 PM]: it just so happens to seem everytime i talk with you you tell me core talks about me or mentions me
Me: Since he met you, like every other day he'd mention you, and take about you for maybe five to ten minutes. We talk about everything
Rocsanne: [9:47 PM]: what does he say about me? well what is said about me may i ask
Me: [9:48 PM]: He tells me about any of his interesting customers and stuff, so it doesn't surprise me that you come up a lot since he thinks you're so cute. He says it was hot fucking someone who's so small. He said your pussy is like a virgins. He said he has a little crush on you. He talked about fucking you a lot before he did it. About how you looked like someone he could throw around, and how that was hot. He said you don't have the body type he'd prefer, but one that he likes a lot.
Rocsanne: [9:49 PM]: how does he feel now that me and him completed our mission
Me: Like he wants to fuck you more. I told him not to. And he was sad.
Rocsanne: [9:50 PM]: sad?? but why sad
Me: He said to me, "That's the problem with an open relationship. If the sex is good, you'll want to keep coming back to get more." So he was sad when I was jealous.
Rocsanne: [9:51 PM]: i hope i didnt interfer
Me: Naw, not really. This would be happening if it was you, or something other chick. Personally, I'm happy it's you, cause I like you. I didn't realize how much it would hurt for my man to go around fucking other girls.
Rocsanne: i will tell you this i do love his noises he makes it did get me more worked up tahn usual, i am sry tho
Me: [9:52 PM]: If he wasn't with me, he'd probably ask you out. He definitely likes you a lot.
Rocsanne: [9:53 PM]: yes and i like him a lot to but i know i cannot have him and i will not ruin what you two have
Rocsanne: i have told him that too
Me: [9:54 PM]: You're a doll, love. You really should come by Sunday. I'd pick you up if I had a license.
Rocsanne: yeah if i had a license i would take my dads car but the whole factor is i only have my permit and 5 hr course
Me: [9:54 PM]: Me too. lol, I just took the course again the other day because I waited too long on taking my road test. Well, I did take my road test once, but I fucked up on the parallel driving. I went over the curb...
Rocsanne: [9:55 PM]: ouch bummer
Me: My mom says they generally fail you the first time unless you do everything perfectly.
Rocsanne: [9:56 PM]: yes that is true
Me: Damn. I've stayed wet all day now thinking about you, and My boyfriend fucking you. As jealous as I was, I got really hot hearing him say how hard it was for him to get inside you...
Rocsanne: [9:57 PM]: lol
Me: [9:58 PM]: You realize that talking to you has made me feel a lot better. I was feeling really sick this morning when I woke up. But talking to you has calmed me.
Rocsanne: im really glad to hear that i dont want you feeling sick or jealous over me
Me: [10:00 PM]: It's hard because I feel bad for going back on saying that it's stupid to be jealous. I feel like a hypocrite. I know what it's like to have a crush outside of a relationship. So I thought that I wouldn't feel this way. It's not your fault, it's just a lesson I had yet to learn about myself. But the more I know about you, the more I feel like we should be friends. Perhaps after I meet you I'll start crushin harder than My boyfriend. lol.
Rocsanne: [10:04 PM]: *grins*
Me: [10:05 PM]: So what about you? Are you in any side relationships right now? There are pictures of you with several different guys...
Rocsanne: [10:06 PM]: im in no relationship
Me: [10:07 PM]: That's coo. I might have to steal you and proclaim you my g/f
Rocsanne: *grins*
Me: [10:08 PM]: (I've gone from wanting to kill you to wanting to date you overnight. Now I'm really a hypocrite! lmfao!) (Not that I ever really wanted to kill you.)
Rocsanne: [10:09 PM]: lol, its kewl i have told you that
Me: [10:10 PM]: I can't believe how freaking horny I am. My boyfriend is going to wonder why I'm raping him when he get's home, lol.
Rocsanne: you can tell him it comes from me
Me: [10:11 PM]: I don't need any more reasons for him to like you more than he already does! lmfao!!!
Rocsanne: i cant say it enuff but you are so lucky to have him
Me: He's the best. I can't believe he was single for four years before I met him. Where the heck was he hiding? lol! (But I will tell him it's cause of you anyway.)
Rocsanne: [10:12 PM]: well you have him now and your lucky, if he was single i would wipe him off his feet and take him
Me: [10:13 PM]: Perhaps we should compete at pleasing him. That would be entertaining.
Rocsanne: it kinda makes me a little upset knowing i cant have something i want when i always get everything i want
Me: [10:14 PM]: I swooned him hard as hell when I met him -- cooking for him, running him baths and washing him, rubbing him, fucking him day in and day out, letting him use anything of mine he wanted, doing everything he asked. Then after he was hooked I turned wify on him, lol. If you and I get along as well in person as we do over IM then you could have him... As long as you're willing to be #2. *smiles*
Rocsanne: [10:15 PM]: well that is my problem i am the greedy tyoe i dont really like to share what is mine so i could not do that im sry
Me: [10:16 PM]: I understand completely. *nods* Of course, another thing we could do is go man-hunting for you, and find a cute white-boy who likes me, and then we could be swinger couples. Then there is no ownership in question.
Rocsanne: [10:17 PM]: hymmm...*frown upside down*
Me: [10:18 PM]: *licks lips and gives the my boyfriend-stare* (You know the look I'm talking about...)
Rocsanne: [10:18 PM]: i do
Me: [10:18 PM]: (He makes that look when he talks about you)
Rocsanne: does he?
Me: [10:19 PM]: Indeed. That's when I really started getting jealous-- when he started making that look every time he talked about you! lol... lmfao!!!
Rocsanne: [10:20 PM]: hmmmmm a complete *sigh*
Me: [10:21 PM]: You know how when you're around someone enough you start making the same expressions?
Rocsanne: yes
Me: That look he makes has worn off on me, and now I can't stop making it at my screen like a total dork!
Rocsanne: [10:20 PM]: hmmmmm a complete *sigh*
Me: [10:21 PM]: You know how when you're around someone enough you start making the same expressions?
Rocsanne: yes
Me: That look he makes has worn off on me, and now I can't stop making it at my screen like a total dork!
Rocsanne: [10:22 PM]: lol its the look you give to me because its the look he gives to me maybe that is why
Me: Or maybe because I really want to see him fuck your tiny little cunt...
Rocsanne: maybe that can be it to
Me: [10:23 PM]: lol So you wouldn't mind... if I looked? and touched....? To be honest, as much as I like girls, I've never been that intimate with one, but I've always wanted to be... I act like a damned virgin when it comes to girls. I start shaking a shit sometimes. It's really quite funny. (shaking right now...) What are you up to? I'm not bugging the shit out of you am I?
Rocsanne: [10:31 PM]: trust me, ur not
Me: [10:31 PM]: That's good to know My boyfriend says it was Mark who was giving him the eye btw
Rocsanne: [10:33 PM]: mark was, did you just ask him
Me: Yeah
Rocsanne: ahh i think mark hurd me in the back making noises, lol
Me: [10:34 PM]: lol, I'm acting mad crushin right now. lol My boyfriend says your pussy is just unnaturally tight.
Rocsanne: [10:41 PM]: Unnatural tight?
Me: Like too tight to be natural. Like as though you have a permanant virgin-cunt. lol. I'm on the phone with him right now. He also says he doesn't believe you love to fuck as much as he does.
Rocsanne: [10:42 PM]: Lol
Me: He wishes he could get fucked three to five times a day lol
Rocsanne: [10:45 PM]: now quit frankly I am bored and wondering what to do next
Me: Yeah I wish you were coming over right now...
Rocsanne: [10:46 PM]: I am sry about that then the two of us would not be bored at the moment
Me: [10:46 PM]: lol
Rocsanne: we would of found something to occupy one another
Me: Yeah We would.... :) So will I see you Sunday?
Rocsanne: [10:47 PM]: i will try
Me: [10:47 PM]: You should send me a txt on Sunday when you're here. He won't know coming until you come up the stairs
Me: [10:48 PM]: You know the address?
Rocsanne: no i dont
Me: [10:48 PM]: It's like a 15 min walk from the tattoo shop. It's a five minute drive
Rocsanne: [10:48 PM]: o and tell him i wopuld fuk all day everyday, you should tell him that i forgot to mention
Me: [10:49 PM]: He says that's impossible. lol
Rocsanne: [10:49 PM]: not for me, i make it possible, i love sex iam the biggest nimpo
Me: [10:50 PM]: He's like, "dammnnn, can't we have you? pleaseee. I won't treat like your number 2 all like that... It would be so much fun!!"
Rocsanne: [10:50 PM]: im sry i have said before i wish i was not so greedy with the one i love/like, i would be very jelous knowing that i have to share
Me: [10:51 PM]: Yeah, I know. I would be too. I would never let him out with you unless I was there too, so I know, trust me, I know. lol
Rocsanne: [10:52 PM]: frowning sad face
Me: [10:53 PM]: But you could definitely brighten up a few Sundays... Or other nights in the week. You can always have your own man who doesn't have to know. lol
Rocsanne: [10:55 PM]: no my only problem is this is a first for once i cant have what i want, im not use to it, its a first for me
Me: [10:56 PM]: Yeah, I get in a rotten mood when I can't get what I want too. I think we have a lot in common.
Rocsanne: [10:57 PM]: yes it sounds like it, hmm...im craving for pizza right about now
Me: [10:58 PM]: But you know, assuming we get along in person and all, it might be cool be our girlfriend on account of us always hanging out in shit. You would basically be here all the time, and you'd see My boyfriend when I see him when he gets out of work. Heh, I got a slice of pizza in the frigde for My boyfriend. He loves pizza. And I'd treat you real good. Then again, I have no idea what your schedule is like. Perhaps you have others things you'd rather do than hang out with me. I mean, I don't like going out when it's really hot or really cold. I'm pretty much a computer geek. I either draw, or read, or be on my computer all day. Or clean, of course. It would be mad fun to dress up with you for My boyfriend before he get's home though. I love dressing up for him.
Rocsanne: [11:02 PM]: well as of right now im not attending school nor have a job right now the only way i become busy as if i make myself bussy
Me: [11:02 PM]: (Which really means wearing hardly anything, lol!) Right, same here. I did sorta have a job recently, but I quit because it was getting lame.... long story. Well, he'll be home any moment now, so I should get ready.
Rocsanne: [11:03 PM]: oh no i hear ya about it being lame
Me: lol
Rocsanne: you should. he has text me
Me: I'll tty tomorrow probably
Rocsanne: i will talk to you tomorrow enjoy him
The idea of My boyfriend giving Rocsanne that look... It makes me sick. The idea of him fucking her... Makes me want to cry. Rereading this, I’m only more convinced that I don’t want them around each other. So why am I so tempted to try and bring her over for his birthday or something?
TuJuan wrote me the following:
Well call me crazy but I have come to the conclusion that the world is in some serious trouble. for the last few months starting with 9/11 and now ending with the Maya i have ha to learn a new type of physics read dozens of religious text and studied the beliefs of all the major ancient cultures. I guess my question is am I becoming obsessed or enlightened? IF you have the answer to that one Would appreciate the hell out of it!
So how is married life? A baby on the way?
I wrote back:
My conclusion has been that the world is going to change, but not going to end. More terrible things will happen, and it's up to each individual as to whether they ignore what's happening, or whether they try and help the situation in a small way or a big way. I figure that stressing myself out over it will make more of a problem, and only contribute to the world's misery. That's why I pretty much dropped the topic from my life.
Things with My boyfriend are growing and changing. You could always read my blog if you're really curious.
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