Pros & Cons List

Saturday, May 10th 2008 at 8:16pm

2008-05-09 23:58:26 Hallie

Ok, I know that you have never once listened to me (and I know that we have disagreed more often than not) but I kind of just want to go on record saying that you need to dump Crusifer. For serious reals. There are lots of things I could say about the specific content of those entries, and I planned to- that's why I hit the comment button. But you know what? The specifics don't even matter. You're unhappy way too often for this to be sustainable for life. And you really have no good reason to think he's going to change. You have no good reason to think you're going to change. Not only are you still fighting, after over a year, but you're fighting about the same things. This might have been a good relationship for awhile, important for both of you, a learning experience, etcetera ad infinitum. But it's not gonna work forever, so you might as well get back out there and go look for someone with whom it is going to work.

Hallie,

I do listen to the things you have to say. I just don’t usually take action on them. And we most certainly disagree a lot, though I find your logic not so much to be flawed, but more so to not apply to me enough to take it to heart, which is partly what I feel towards what you are saying here. It’s true that I don’t really have any good reason to believe Crusifer or myself will change in the near future, but we will change, if not in the ways that I would like, in some ways in general. Especially me, because I’m still young enough that I find myself going through dramatic changes every season or so. Though I see now that he is the one who is the slow adapter.

I agree on the arguing detail whole heartedly however. That’s the part that makes my heart sink, my throat clench, and brings to the surface the reality that I’m facing the same realization that caused me to finally cut off my relationship with Tre: We’re not only arguing a lot, we’re arguing about the same things since (damn near) the beginning of our relationship.

As I’ve stated before, with Tre things were much worse, much more uncomprehensible, and the list of pros was as short as can be (weed, cock, and dreads in a nutshell) and I think the vast contrast in relationships gives me a higher appreciation for Crusifer that most women would give him (if in my exact position).

I asked myself when I was with Tre if the pros were worth the cons again and again, and eventually the truth rang clear that the pros were most certainly not worth the cons. But in this situation it’s more difficult, because the pros are quite long. In fact, let me list them, I’ve been meaning to for quite some time.

(On an unrelated note before I go onto this list of pros and cons, I saw Angel briefly today and he has lost over 200 pounds since I met him five years ago. The last 40lbs or 70lbs has been since February. He’s looking almost attractive, though he’s not to my taste even if we was perfectly healthy. He has always been active. So what made the difference? He finally listened to me, and he gave up soda, along with drinking. He added that to daily skateboarding, and a good job and he’s looking like a whole new man. He even bought new clothes in his new size and you’d never know how big he used to be, unless you felt how flabby his stomach skin is.)

Pros

He’s very slender and bony-built in all the ways that I like. Short enough for kisses without standing on my tip-toes, and small enough around for me to fall asleep with him in my arms.

He is a fantastic artist with an ever-expanding talent. Spending time with him drawing teaches me a multitude of new things, while also inspiring me and entertaining me.

His taste in television is almost identical to mine. We both love anime, and we both love watching about the same amount of TV in ratio to the rest of our time.

He’s into computers and understand their value, their importance, and how to use them, reboot and reformat them, how to take care of them, and how to spend endless hours on them either learning, creating or gaming, and like TV he prefers about as much time at his as I do on mine.

He is very affectionate in comparison to most men, and loves to touch and be touched, and while his point of affection-withdrawal is much longer than mine, it does exist..

He is intelligent enough to grasp the concepts I love to discuss, and sometimes he has his own input. When he does have his own input it’s almost always a very good point and something to keep me thinking and talking.

He is focused on self-improvement and learning.

He has a good work ethic and will put in sixty hard hours a week without complaint and still save energy to come home to me and show me love and attention.

He is willing to try to compromise.

He’s comfortable with my decision to be a home-maker, home-schooler, and stay-at-home mother and my reasons for doing so.

He understands where I’m coming from in many of my ways due to a bundle of common experiences in our lives.

He respects belongings, crafting, working, and other people, and could never be classified as (what is now-a-days called) a “hater.”

This morning he put a scrap of paper in my keyboard that read “I love you baby” just to make me smile, proving that he does have a dollop of romance in his blood somewhere.

He likes gothic women, white women, women that look like me, which he describes as “that girl next door look,” and loves my smell, and is not afraid of period blood, sweat or bodily smells.

He respects my privacy and my space and never uses, moves, throws away, destroys, and searches through my things without asking permission (or having been given permission in the past.)

He’s not a thief, he is not a liar, he is not a cheat, he is not an abuser, he is not violent, he is not a drug addict, he has never been a criminal of any sort, and is not interested in being any of those things.

He reads and he writes and I find his level of education adequate and very similar to my own.

His fashion is well suited to my tastes, right down his snake-bite peircings and PC-case.

He is reasonable and smart enough to listen to what I have to say about foods and how they affect your health and is beginning to seriously head my advice.

He enjoys my make-up and sexy underwear in a way that many modern men these days just don’t. He gives me an excuse to dress up and feel extra sexy, and yet still feel beautiful when naked and clean.

He is passionate in bed, and brings me to enjoy sex more often and more thoroughly than anyone ever has before. He’s also willing to eat me out, any time of the month, any time of the day.

He is neat and orderly. He cleans up after himself, all but in washing his dishes and doing his laundry, but I feel that it’s my duty to do these things anyway.

It pleases him to support me and to buy me things and to please me in general.

He gets me up in the morning (about four days out of the week) with tea and kisses which makes me immensely happy.

Once or twice a week he puts me to sleep by stroking me or rubbing me.

He keeps me company in the kitchen while I cook for him or for us both or even sometimes when I’m cooking just for me.

He doesn’t particularly mind going to grocery store with me and following me through the isles, talking to me and sharing affection with me.

He is fun to shop with.

He is interested in all forms of art, and willing to work on conjoined projects between the two of us.

He is cooperative and willing to put forth his fair share of effort to get things done.

He doesn’t make a fuss when I ask for a small favor.

He enjoys grooming and being groomed, and enjoys making it an activity for us to both participate in, (like the apes we all secretly still are.)

He is interested in his dreams, my dreams, writing his dreams down and learning their meanings and the meanings of many assorted other-worldly things.

He is open with me about his fantasies and I find them interesting and exciting.

Cons

He likes to drink alcohol at around the rate of two or three beers at a time, once or twice a week. When he drinks he becomes irrational, smelly, horny in an unattractive way, easily frustrated and annoyed, and if he actually becomes drunk (three or more beers) then he will loose memory of what he is doing and become very hostile.

He tends to look down on women, mostly because of his negative experiences with women. He used to call me a typical woman a lot, but this has stopped in the last month or so.

He has trouble trusting me because of his ex-girlfriend, and probably in part because of his mom as well. He doesn’t believe I could truly be an honest person.

(Believe it or not I’m sitting here having trouble coming up with another one, surely I just have not thought of the others yet.)

He’s not very talkative for the most part, (but he is perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation when he has the energy and inspiration to.)

He feels that it’s “corny” to be romantic, even though I suspect he really wants to be romantic.

He is afraid to cry, and afraid to be anything less than the perfect, strong, emotionless man that he thinks a man ought to be.

(And you can see why I find it so hard to leave, when a whole page of pros rolled right off my finger-tips, and after less than half as many cons I’m sitting here staring at the screen trying to come up with something more.)

Sometimes the way he speaks is in such a way that I would not want my children to speak that way, and I question if he will speak differently around our children.

He doesn’t feel particularly comfortable around my parents or my family in general (though he doesn’t protest their company and feels that they are good people.)

He can be very neglectful when wrapped up in his own wants and needs (and so can I, so I forgive him for that.)

He has a chronic habit of making promises he can’t keep (though not as bad as Tre’s built-in policy of spewing out heart-breaking lies and empty promises.)

His sex drive is wilder than I can really keep up with (unfortunately, because I’d love to keep up with it if I could.)

Because he isn’t very communicative at times, he sometimes changes his mind, and then states his opinion as opposite to what he’s said before making him sound very hypocritical.

Some of his driving habits make me nervous, some of which is just because I’m paranoid, and some of which is because he has a couple habits which I don’t think are technically legal and for decent reason.

He often doesn’t like to form a solid opinion on something just because “nobody really knows” which adds to his lack of memory. His lack of emotional investment in a concept makes it hard for him to remember the details of it.

He’d like to believe that he has no ego, that he has no use for pride, and that no one is better than anybody, and that he is exempt from ever placing judgement on people even though he knows all of that is not true.

Now I’m sure there are many more I could add to either list, but I’ve certainly covered all the major aspects, and a good handful of the minor aspects. As it may now be clear, the pros seem like they ought to outweigh the cons by so much that the cons would seem terribly small, but the trust issues and the drinking are major issues. However, both issues show significant (if slow) improvement, which I can’t ignore. If they didn’t show any improvement from last summer I would most certainly have dumped him by now. But the fact of the matter is that he is spending much more time with me than he used to, and he is drinking a lot less, and he is becoming more understanding, and he does trust me more. I think that many of our arguments are due to the fact that he words things poorly when his emotion is thrust into what he says.

For example, instead of saying, “Babe, I’m not sure if I can tolerate the way you’re making me feel right now. I feel like you are trying to make me look stupid, and that you’re not being entirely honest,” he might say “Get away from me, and don’t trying to play me, I’m not fucking stupid. You’re so full of shit. You’re a retard.”

Clearly, when you word something in that way you’re not going to get a very polite response. I’ve explained this to him, and he agrees, but it’s hard for both of us to cool our tempers and be reasonable once we’ve already been hurt by what the other person has said.

“Your point doesn’t come across when you yell,” I say to him. “Whenever people yell I am distracted by the fact that they are yelling and what they say I can never remember. I only remember the fact that they were yelling at me and making me feel like shit. Yelling only makes me irrational upset, and it makes me yell back.”

He is understanding of course, but it still doesn’t change how hard it is to be reasonable once you’re already angry. It takes him a while to realize he has said something he did not mean, and to take it back. For example, he was snooping my computer when looking at the files regarding Tre, but he stumbled over his words at the time because he was startled from being caught. Later he had no problem admitting it.

Perhaps this clears up why I’m still trying adamantly to make it work. If it doesn’t work, feel free to say “I told you so.”

Saturday, May 10th 2008 at 10:00pm

Angel writes me:

This world is full of no-good people. It’s sad to see how the world is changing into something horrible. I know exactly what you mean if I was talented then I’d be creating my own things instead of letting my mother constantly buy them and waste her money on something that won’t even last more than a month or two.

Well, I am a Native American; did I ever mention that before? I live on a reservation where nothing phenomenal takes place but every Saturday there’s this sale that always goes on and everybody goes to sell what they made themselves like blankets, necklaces, dresses, clocks, and many more things. It’s exciting but my family doesn’t usually take part in it because in order to go there we have to ride in the car and well money doesn’t exactly grow on some magical tree for us.

I’m sorry about the tagged dresser incident. I agree with you 1000000% the person(s) who did that have no respect for others property. Heh, that happens a lot here too. Someone spray painted a dirty cuss word on our “heater” thing in front of our house….

Atara,

Wow, I’m not going to lie you brought tears to my eyes girl. I honestly feel exactly like how you do. I consider you my only true friend even though I have never saw you or spoke with you. The e-mails that we sent to each other since August has made me feel a lot closer to you than anyone in this entire world. Whenever you feel lonely, just know that I am here for you. I will always be here for you; praying for you, caring for you, smiling for you and thinking about you. I cannot imagine forgetting you or leaving you behind like some other people may have done to you. I truly believe that you deserve the best in life. You know what? I pray for you more than I pray for myself… Every time I read an entry of you saying that you are confused, lost, angry or miserable I instantly pray to God; asking Him to bless you and to not make you feel the way you do. I always do that. And when I read those entries, it hurts me to know that you are not happy sometimes. I wish that I could be there comforting you when nobody else can. *sigh* Sometimes I even cry because it hurts that much to know that you're sad.

I really cannot comprehend why nobody wanted to be friends with you when you were younger but hey Phoenix, it’s their loss. They missed out on an incredible chick. I’ve had friends throughout life but over the months my phone book has changed dramatically; friends from the past have forgotten about me and it hurts a lot but I do try to make new friends but the thing is those new friends are only online. Sometimes I feel like you’re living my life in another lifetime…. When I read your old entries I discover a lot of things that we have in common but some you have outgrown but those are what I am doing right now. But I see how it turns out to be a mistake and so I quit it before I make the same mistake as you; I’m learning from your mistakes… At times I think that is why I met you, you know?

You know how you felt when Jeremy had began a new diary and you said that if he wrote everyday it would give you a reason to wake up? If he updated his diary everyday then it would give you a reason to look forward to the day? Well, that’s how I feel about you =D

You taught me so much overtime and I truly appreciate you for all of that. Because of you I don’t eat any crap that contains high fructose corn syrup. Because of you I am continuing to do my best in school even when I feel like giving up. Because of you I don’t lie or cuss as much as I used to. Because of you I am thankful for everything. You are not like any other person that I’ve met. It’s really amazing to meet someone who is different; someone who actually cares and takes care of themselves. I respect you and I always value your opinion.

I have to say that you are my hero in life because If I hadn’t met you I would have still been that same little lost, confused, misunderstood child that I once was. You opened my eyes to a whole new world. I know I may sound like I’m hyperbolizing but I’m not. There are no words that can describe you; you go beyond dictionary definitions but you are intelligent, bright, beautiful inside and out, and loving.

Yes, one day we will meet and become friends and escape this twisted world =]]

Sweetest Angel,

No, I didn't know that you were Native American, for some odd reason I thought you were black (and forgive me for saying this) I always thought you were very educated and smart for a black girl. In Buffalo, NY the black people tend to sit on welfare, and cause problems. Not that the white people don't do it too, and not that any of the other races that we have here (Islamic and Puerto Rican mostly) don't cause a lot of trouble too, but it's hard not to notice that the ghettos are filled mostly with blacks and dilapidated houses, and that the richer neighborhoods are full of white people.

I don't think it's at all related in genetics really. It's the poor upbringing. The white kids (for the most part) go to the better schools, and (for the most part) make white friends with similar values. The black children learn slang and cuss words and a lack of respect (if not from their parents) from their black friends at school. It's terribly sad because so many, many, many of them are so smart, but never had a chance in life to really learn anything, to really show their stuff. In order to "show their stuff" they end up joining gangs. However, as much as the stereotypes do apply in Buffalo, they are also broken all over the place. We have gothic and punk black people here. We have tons of ghetto white people here. We have everything in between including ghetto-punks of all races. (I’m sort of a ghetto-punk myself, but in a slightly more educated, not to mention drug-fee, way.)

So, all of that said, for some reason I thought you were a black girl in a lower-middle class family who was more logical and educated than most for your situation and upbringing. I know hardly anything however about Native Americans however. I don't know the stereotypes, and I've met very few of the like in my lifetime despite the diversity of Buffalo. My childhood friend that I played Barbie dolls with was something like half Native American, but she behaved like any other lower-middle class white girl in Buffalo, so I didn't know the difference.

(I use the "class" terms in reference to the way my mother puts it. The "middle" class is pretty much the working class according to my mom. The lower class is people with little or no worth ethic, who are addicted to drugs, or criminals, or homeless people. The upper class would be the sort of people who never slouch, who would never eat fast food, who would never leave the house without flawless make-up and attire, who would never speak to someone without being introduced, who would never go to a bar, who would never do drugs unless you count a glass of wine, who would go to operas, who might have a personal teacher growing up, who might ride in limmos and have their own driver, who would have a maid, and probably a butler, doorman and chef too. The middle class is then generally divided into three classes of it's own: upper-middle, middle, and lower-middle. I'm not sure if I'm explaining to you something you already know, but I want to fully explain it just so that you're not offended, because some people find "lower middle class" an offensive thing to be called, but in general, most people these days that you meet from day to day are. Upper middle class are people who own their own businesses, people who probably send their kids to private school. They most likely have a college education. Middle-middle class are doctors, lawyers, and other high-paying common jobs. Lower-middle class are the people who work as all the other stuff; waiters, cooks, tattoo artists, and the like. Though these are rough examples since your morals, and the way you live can also be taken into account in what "class" you are. Upper-lower class would include people who work fast-food joints and uneducated single moms who work hard to support their kids. I'd say my family is low-middle class verging on middle class depending on which individual in the family we're looking at. My grandparents would have been considered upper-middle class, and so would many of my uncles' families.)

So, all along I've for some reason assumed you were a lower-middle class black girl with your head screwed on right and a good logic and moral base. Now that I know you're Native American, perhaps we I should wonder how many other things we don't know about each other.

What class (not that I care, or that it would affect my opinion of you, but out of curiosity) would you say you are based on what I've outlined? Are you mixed at all? Can you tell me anything significantly different about living on a reservation than not living on one?

I just read your second reply letter. I wanted to reply them both in one letter. Surely the tone of everything I just wrote would have been entirely different if I had read them both at once however.

It’s sweet to hear you pray for me. I always believe in the power of prayer, no matter who you pray to. I don’t discriminate against any religion, just people who try to convert other people and also those who are hypocritical to their religion but claim to be true to it.

Through reading my older entries you probably see why when we first began writing each other that I thought of you as my younger self. More and more I see you as a young woman rather than my teenage self though, and it’s beautiful to see.

I’m really happy to hear you’re not eating high fructose corn syrup. Have you realized any health differences since you stopped? I noticed a countless number of improvements in myself after I changed my diet. A friend of mine (incidently also named Angel, but he’s a guy) finally stopped drinking soda, and it shows.

I hope we never stop talking for some shallow reason. You know my mom had an internet friend that she was very close to for over a year and then they went to a convention together where many online friends from a circle of bloggers were going and someone who didn’t like my mom had told her online friend something nasty (my mom doesn’t know what) that made her close online friend and many others stop talking to her online. They never spoke in person, even though there were in the same room many times. Isn’t that just awful?

You would never stop talking to someone because of a rumor or because of some opinion that you disagreed with, would you? I’d be really hurt if I wrote the wrong thing to you sometime and you just stopped talking to me.

~Atara Phoenix

Ayian & Angel

Tuesday, February 26th 2008 at 12:42pm

Some entries I should write, or at least topics I should cover:

Video games, and how they are dissatisfying

Bob, and the interesting (and short) place he took in my life

New cast page for Tina

About my novel, and why it’s taking so long

My relationship with my Dad and how it has changed

How I plan to raise my children

My road trip plans for September

My printed journal, and the role it takes in my life in contrast with my online journal

Letter to my twelve-year-old self

My favorite memories of My boyfriend thus-far

Naruto and how it’s starting to suck really bad

I think this entry will be about my road trip I’m planning for September... As most of you probably know, last year, in 2007, my Dad and I (shortly after beginning my relationship with My boyfriend) went on a road trip. We left in March, and planned to be gone three full weeks.

I packed as little as I could for that length of time. My luggage with my Dad’s needed to take up only half of the storage space in the car (with the back-seats down) so that there would be enough room for my to lay down beside everything.

During the day I sat beside my Dad navigating and watching the scenery. At night I slept in the back of the car while Dad drove through the night. We stopped at my Aunt Sharon’s (and Uncle Bruce’s – my Dad’s older brother) in North Carolina, as well as Roy’s (and Lori’s but they’re not together anymore) in Georgia, and Trevor’s (and his soon-to-be wife’s where Roy is staying now) in Texas, and my internet friend Marie’s in South California and my cousin Jason’s (who is the executive director of the group the designed Call of Duty – I saw the first level on his big screen in his building in Los Angeles before the other levels were even made) as well as my other internet friend Wyatt in South Lake Tahoe in the middle of California. After that two weeks were pretty much done. We turned back, and drove through countless deserts, stretching for miles, and visited Nicole in Iowa (where I got drunk for the last time – I had to quit after how stupid I was that night) who is another internet friend of mine. All before we turned home.

Now, we’re thinking of doing it again. Last time we were able to do it because of a decently sized inheritance from my Grandmother (on my Dad’s side) and some further assistance along the way. This time, My boyfriend wants to go, and his income added to the pool is what is going to allow us to go this time. The only catch? Getting a full month off of work!

The guys at Hardcore Tattoos don’t like giving their employees any time off at all. Not even a single day much less an entire month. That’s why we plan to do it in September, because it’s the slowest month of the year for tattoos. Colleges, and high schools are getting started up for the year. The students are busy with new friends, old friends, new classes, old classes, paperwork, transportation scheduling, early-year parties, etc. But will Nikki go for it? It’s hard to say.

It’s also a full six months away. She’ll have plenty of time to find a temporary replacement for My boyfriend. But that’s exactly what My boyfriend is afraid of. What if they don’t want him back? I think it’s nonsense that they wouldn’t want him back. But My boyfriend has his fears because of what has happened to past employees. But here is how I look at it:

He’s (by far) the best artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most dedicated artist at the shop.

He’s (by far) the most responsible and reasonable employee at the shop.

And if they don’t want him anymore, he can take his talent elsewhere.

But he doesn’t want to look at it that way. He’s busy looking at the fact that Nikki is unreasonable, and so are his co-workers. They might not be logical and might fire him. Then he might be without work for days, or maybe even weeks or a couple months before finding another good job. I understand the fear, but I think it’s unbiased because Frank (Nikki’s husband) likes him so much. And he has a lot of clientele now who’d be looking for him if he was gone.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 2:31pm

Ayian,

You finally updated! I actually missed a lot of entries because you hadn't written for so long that I forgot to check there for a while. So I just had a delightful morning full of reading your writing.

I was the kid playing with Barbies, but incidently, I developed early, so when I was 9 I was the tallest and largest girl, so I still ended up bullying the boys whenever they teased me by chasing them around, hitting them, kicking them, pulling their hair. And then crying like a little spoiled princess that I was, lol.

On another note, I took dance classes for twelve years, and I still sucked. I learned more about how to dance on my own in the years since I quit then I did in those classes. The classes never taught me how to just feel the music and follow it. And I do get possessed by the music, but it doesn't always come out very attractive. I still love dancing though. I'd love to dance with you.

I took tap dance for seven years, but like I said, I wasn't taught to feel the beat. I just mimicked the steps as best as I could. But my timing was so terrible...

Anyway, I read way back, even re-reading several entries. I don’t mistake you for being older than me anymore. I can recognize you now in some odd way through your writing. Through your lessons and feelings. I want to meet you. Though I’m not so sure anymore what the point really is, since I likely can’t have you, and it would most likely be brief.

I’m (probably) going on another road trip. This time with my Dad and My boyfriend. In September. I don’t know how far you live into Canada, so I don’t know if it would be reasonable to see you or not. Oddly I feel compelled to type out that I love you, which is obviously crazy since we haven’t even met.

Anyway, if we’re to meet, then I’d need your exact address so I could map-quest it from the nearest planned stop on the road trip so I can see if we’d have time to strike north during the trip.

Wednesday, February 27th 2008 at 11:36pm

I can’t say for sure or not if this is like me or not, but I’ve made a complete 180. (I suppose it’s like me, since I made a 180 degree turn in my emotions for Jeremy – when I first met him I hated him, was even disgusted by him.) I’ve made a 180 degree turn around on my emotions towards sex outside of my relationship. I’m starting to even question if I would want to have a threesome with a girl, though I haven’t told My boyfriend that yet.

I keep thinking about him fucking Michelle, and how she made him cum. It makes me queasy to think about it. The face he makes when he thinks about Rocsanne looks just like the face he made when he first met me... I feel so utterly ridiculous for feeling this way when a mere month ago I said that he could fuck whoever he wanted. (With a condom of course.) Just a mere month ago I called myself an understanding girlfriend who understood how sometimes other attractions happened.

I’ve been there. But the odd thing is, I grew out of that. (At least I think I have. I haven’t had a crush outside of a relationship since Jay, and that was mostly because of my utter disgust with Tre at the time.) I’m not interested in other sexual encounters that aren’t with My boyfriend anymore. Sexy strangers don’t attract me anymore. I’m just not interested. I don’t even doubt my power to turn down Tre if he showed up at my door anymore. I know I’d feel no temptation. I know because of how I feel now, because of how much deeper it is.

But what if My boyfriend is still in the same world I was in when I was 15? What if he is having full-blown crushes on girls? What’s the correct solution? I can’t make him feel any other way than how he feels, and after granting this privilege for so long, how is it affecting him to have it taken away?

I guess I know exactly how it’s affecting him. After he told me (grudgingly) that I could fuck Tre while I was on my trip, and then shortly thereafter told me I couldn’t, I was hurt for a while. Then I accepted it. And after I stopped talking to him altogether, I realized that my new life didn’t have room for other interests and fantasies besides My boyfriend, and I came fully to peace with that.

Why does his orgasm make it different? Why does thinking about him cumming in Michelle make all the difference? Why do I fucking care!

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 12:11am

I just had sex with my love. He got all worked up when I showed him how wet I got today – the evidence being a large puddle in my panties. He loves wetness. He left the computer area to go to the bed to masturbate. I kinda figured what he was up to, and I followed him and had sex with him. I wanted to do it anyway, I was just going to wait until a little later.

My boyfriend says I don’t have sex with him enough. He wants sex everyday without fail, especially if he’s going to keep coming come everyday. Okay, we just made an agreement. I’m allowed to miss one day a week (or four days in a month) of fucking him, and for every day over that (if I miss five days in a month) he can spend a day out with the boys that I won’t complain or anything. (If I miss six days in a month, he can go out two days that month, etc.)

I’m pleased with this agreement.

Thursday, February 28th 2008 at 4:52pm

2/28/08 1:20AM Eastern Standard Time
Angel Writes Me:

Hey Atara,

Well I’m still digging out your past and I must say you are a very interesting person; so far from tedious, yes you are. I have some questions but can’t quite seem to find the right way to ask; it’s like… difficult to find the perfect words or something.

Anyways, I love your banners that you created. It’s amazing how you put them together by yourself; that’s another thing you excel at!! I recently read your most recent entry and I’m sorry that your Teen Social Club did not go the way you wanted it to go. It’s impossible to tame youths these days, I should know.

…

On a whole different subject; I feel pretty optimistic these days. I re-read some of the e-mails that I sent you months ago and I was shaken by the fact that all I ever did was cast my problems onto you but I couldn’t help it you know? I was completely friendless and lonesome. I wanted someone to spill my guts out to and I felt like I met you at such the perfect time because finally I had found someone who not only was a candid, loving, beautiful woman but also a terrific chick who gave out some helpful advice. You were practically the reason for my smile =) I want to thank you for actually listening to me and not being ignorant like most people here. I want to thank you for being straightforward and being very open. I can honestly make a long list of how brilliant you are but I rather not because it might never have an ending, Lol.

I noticed that most of my e-mails revolved around Darren. Well, Darren was being Darren you know? Did I ever mention that we broke up? Yeah, he was still with his ex (while he was with ME and get this, he was also with ANOTHER CHICK) so he had THREE chicks and well obviously he was enjoying it. I wasn’t upset about it at first because before I went on to the trip (his hometown for Winter Break) I asked God in prayer to give me the truth because I was sick and tired of the confusion and discontent I was receiving from that relationship. And the first day I spent there was when I caught him with his GF. That look on his face was completely priceless; he was trying to hide himself as if I couldn’t see him when he was right in the open, LOL. Later on it did it hit me and I didn’t cry but I dropped some tears. I felt as if I had just lost a friend and I did because he was the first real person I ever really considered a true friend. I confided in him with so much and he made me happy…. Now he’s trying to get me back, he’s calling me baby, constantly sends texts and calls me. I hate to say it but I don’t mind and that’s why my sister is mad at me. Everyone is telling me that I should be a bitch to him and treat him like shit because he deserves it and yes that’s true. I know for a fact that they’re right but even if I wanted to be mean to him, I just can’t. I can’t hate him for making a mistake and I shouldn’t hate him for being only human right? We all make mistakes and he just happened to be one of mine. I told him I don’t hate him and I forgive him… I want to leave him alone but it’s like I’m living off his company or something because he still makes me happy like he use to. I want to be able to consider him as a friend but he thinks the other way… I don’t want to leave him alone because like I stated before he’s the first closest person who seems like an actual friend and if I tell him to quit flirting then he might take it in a offensive way and leave me alone for good. All I want to be is his friend, specifically his best friend. That’s all I want to be to him but that’s hard to do because his feelings for me are… the same as they were ‘back then’….. I know we can be friends; it's possible but I know that he will make it impossible.... He still makes me hate myself *sigh*

Ugh but you know what? I also learned a lot from every thing in the past. All those mistakes I made and all those times I felt worthless made me very strong. I feel as if I’ve been reincarnated into this whole new person. I don’t complain about pointless crap anymore (most of the time, I should say). I don’t cry unless I have a real reason to cry. I don’t use sarcasm as much as I use to. I don’t cuss (I never really did) but I almost got into that type of behavior but luckily I got out unharmed! I was surrounded by so many bad influences that it almost took over my life. I almost believed that there was no meaning to life; that I was just some lifeless, stupid, overemotional crybaby. I realize now that life is life; every thing happens for a reason whether if we like it or not. It all happens because God knows that it’s best for us, even if we don’t think it is.

Basically, I feel a lot more mature. I have a long way to go and learn many, many new things but as for now I am just content with all the happiness, all the bullshit, and of course all the mistakes.

Well, I would love to hear from you; you know a 411? X] Oh and some advice on the Darren situation would be greatly appreciated!

2/28/08 4:54PM Eastern Standard Time
I Write Angel:

Angel,
It’s incredible to see how much you’ve grown in just a few months. I’m still growing up really fast, but not as fast as I was a few years ago. Right now you’re going through an expansive phase – I went through that phase for I’d say four years, two with Jeremy and two with Travanti. When I met My boyfriend, I was already “me” even though I wasn’t fully matured. I still don’t see myself as an adult even though others do.

I think hard relationships is a quick way to learn about life and to grow. My relationship with Travanti was stupid looking back on it, but the fact that I was willing to put up with all the crap he put me through back then just goes to show how much I had to learn yet. I wanted to be friends with Tre, just like you want to be friends with Darren. It might seem possible, and it might seem like a good idea, but there are more factors than just him and you, and his feelings and your feelings.

I’d like to be friends with Jeremy still to this day. Unfortunately, I can’t. The first and foremost reason that I can’t still be friends with Jeremy is because I know he still wishes things could have worked out between us. So it’s hard on him to see how happy I am in my relationship with My boyfriend. But there are two more (almost as large) reasons why him and I can’t be friends. Janet, and My boyfriend. Janet is his girlfriend, and they’ve been going out for the three years (almost four years now) since Jeremy and I broke up. Janet hates me because Jeremy continued to sleep with me while they were together (while Tre and I were together) for like a month. And then, after Tre and I broke up... Jeremy and I started hanging out again for a little while. So Janet thinks I’m a lying bitch... But really, she’s just not intelligent enough for Jeremy in my opinion. Anyway, all of that is besides the point. The point is, while I could be Jeremy’s friend without ever feeling tempted, Jeremy might not feel the same way, and My boyfriend and Janet don’t want us to be friends.

Same for Tre. While I could hang out with Tre without stirring up old feelings (if he actually lived in Buffalo, but he’s long-since gone), Tre probably couldn’t. Or even if he could, there is still Danya and My boyfriend to consider too.

Jeremy was like my first friend too, as well as my first love. I was Tre’s first love. But we can’t be friends because society just doesn’t work that way. The best thing to do (from my experience) is to find another boyfriend. Darren will get jealous if he sees you with another man, which is all the more reason not to have Darren around when you get a new boyfriend.

For me, each new man was a new learning experience. It may not be the best track for everybody, but my relationships brought me understanding, knowledge and maturity. The other girls just didn’t understand what I was going through. Some nineteen-year-old girls still haven’t ever been in a serious relationship. Some girls get married and have kids without discovering what they really want.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have found My boyfriend so early in my life. Some women get old, and die without ever being really loved they way they should be loved. (Some women never have an orgasm during sex! In fact, a lot of them don’t! And I think half the problem is that they’re not really in love.)

My point is, keeping Darren around might end up holding you back.

If it’s any consolation, while right now you might feel like you’ve made a truck load of mistakes over the past few years, and you may feel like life is going to be nothing but a path of failing, when you look back on it, all the mistakes fade away, and you only remember one or two major fuck-ups, but along with them, they’ll be one or two particular memories that are really happy, and one or two memories that are really funny, etc. Just in the last year with My boyfriend, my memories of Tre and Jeremy narrowed down to a hand-full of lessons and happy memories. I stopped dwelling on how stupid I acted, how silly I was, how naive I was. It starts to seem more and more natural that I did the things I did – I was young. I still am young!

One thing to watch out for though is going out with someone who is very different from you. We women adapt better then me do to our partner. We change often when they don’t. And when they don’t change at all, we change even more to compensate, or at least I do. I discovered after I broke up with Tre that I had become a whole other person while I was with him. I was lucky that I was able to change back again over time. I cursed a lot while I was with him, I smoked pot daily, most of the time I smoked multiple times in a day. I was constantly high, and I was gaining weight (slowly but surely), and I was stressed out a lot. I cried while he slept. I lost my sex drive towards the end entirely. I thought at the time that it was normal, that I was just getting older – I was only 17 and I had lost my sex drive! I think it was a combination of my anger towards him and the weed.

I was turning ghetto, and it was a scary thing for my parents. After I broke up with him it was like a dark cloud was lifted. I quit smoking weed (though not entirely until around five months later) and I quit drinking (in April of 2007) and I started to talk like I did before I met him (with the help of my mother’s daily influence) and I became interested in art, poetry and writing again anew. I started dancing again, I started living again. I fell in love again, and accepted that and went out with my new love (My boyfriend) on December 20th of 2006.

I tried to keep on talking to Tre over the phone, but it was causing a disruption in his life and in mine to keep talking to him. Sometime in May or June I think I stopped talking to him even on the phone. We both agreed that it was fucking up our lives to keep on talking. It made Danya and him argue, and it made My boyfriend and I argue. And after Tre and I stopped talking, the world didn’t end. It kept turning, life moved on, I discovered that I didn’t miss him after all. I do get curious now and then, but not enough to try and find out what he’s up to these days.

So bare that in mind when you do find another man who you deem as worth your love. His morals and interests need to not conflict with yours. If he lies, and you consider lying unforgivable, then don’t give him the time of day, because over time, his ways will wear on you, and you might find yourself doing things you don’t approve of. If he steals, then he’s not worth it. If he cheats, then he’s not worth it. Even if he’s messy, then you might not want to bother, because would you marry a man who can’t pick up after himself at all? I don’t want to be a maid for life. I was so charmed when I saw My boyfriend fold his own clothing neatly for the first time.

As my mom said to me, a good way to know if a man is right for you is to imagine waking up next to him everyday. Imagine what your room would look like. Imagine how he’d be at the breakfast table with your kids. Imagine kissing him after he got home from work. You’ll know when you imagine those things if he’s right for you or not.

Anyway, I don’t mind. You can tell me anything you want. Everyone has problems, and it’s better to talk about your own problems than to talk about someone else’s. Isn’t it? It’s not gossiping if you’re talking about yourself.

That’s another thing I was thinking about as I was reading your letter. The older we get, the less self-centered we become. It’s kinda natural to be self-centered as a young teenager. You have so much to learn about yourself still. Only now am I really starting to become interested in other people’s lives. I mean, I cared when I was 14, 15, 16 etc, but I wasn’t truly interested and I suppose I didn’t have reason to be when I was so busy noticing myself change and grow.

It sounds to me like you’re on the right track. I appreciate your praise. Not many people bother to point out that I have good advice. Then again, many people don’t point out anything positive about anybody. Keep it up. I look forward to hearing from you.