November's Hind

Friday, November, 21st 2008 at 10:59am

Fucking fabulous. I just love mornings like this.
I wake up to the sound of El calling. Then Crusifer gets into bed and tells me I need to fuck him. I groan that I’m tired. I let him fuck me anyway. He complains because I’m not into it. I get into it, I cum, he cums, then he gets up, and I complain because he’s not even holding me. Then he tells me I’m a prude ass bitch, just like Brianna.

Saturday, November, 22nd 2008 at 12:42pm

Jeremy,
I’m never told the plans until the last second of course. My brother Roy is in from out of town, and he’ll be leaving again Sunday (tomorrow.) So of course, he’s been spending lots of time with me, his brother, his two kids, mom and such. And today, I thought him and mom were going to be going to see Aunt Martha, but it turns out that we’re all going to Robert’s house for “mini thanksgiving.” All of us, as in Roy’s kids, my parents, Roy himself, and of course Robert and Patty will both be there. They’re married now you know.
I tried calling you on private, but Janet answered, so I just didn’t say anything. I hope I didn’t cause a major fight, but somehow I’m guessing that I did. Heh, the stories you’ve told her coming from her mouth are pretty laughable and also pretty embarrassing.
I came to your house because of how miserable I’ve been most of this week. At least, where Crusifer is concerned. Like I said before, I see somewhere around a ten percent chance of this lasting more than three months longer. Maybe less.
At the moment he’s actually started trying again, but one last ‘incident’ and I’m definitely out. There are some things I need to take care of before I feel ‘safe’ to break up with him. I’ve pretty much already handled my personal feelings though. I’d literally need to fall back in love for this to work out, and while it’s possible, like I said, around a ten percent chance of this lasting more than three months.
Yesterday morning I was thinking there wasn’t much chance of be putting up with another week, but I did a lot of thinking and remembered the reasons why I haven’t cut it off yet. I need to at least have some job applications in. I need to get more money into my bank account. I need to have more of the construction done. I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing after breaking up with him, but my entire life would (obviously) change, so I need to be prepared.
I’m really sorry. I was so upset when I came to your house. It was a bad gamble. I stood and listened outside and I only heard your voice, and I didn’t hear anyone replying so I guessed you were on the phone. I should have known that didn’t mean that you were the only one home. Stupid for me to assume that.
Like I said, I’m on my last shot with this right now. I’m giving it my last real effort right now. If I have to give up entirely then I’ll just have to play along until I have my frame of mind correct for a few weeks before I’ll probably have the guts to do it. You know I’m bad at this. Especially since it could work, but... Yeah, as I said to Crusifer last night, after all the fucked up shit he’s done I’d need to see equally amazing things from him to push away all the bad memories.
It’s only just now clicked in his head that it’s really over if he doesn’t put one-hundred percent into our relationship... And he’s pretty late on that. But now that he’s realized that, it really does mean this is his last chance, because if he can’t do it for me when he knows it’s the difference of it being over or not, then he can’t do it ever.
I’m not settling for less than first priority. I’m not settling for less than a giving, loving, romantic, sweet relationship. I’m just not going to do it. I’m not marrying someone unless they’re willing to dedicate their life to us. You know what I mean? That’s the standard I’ve set for it. And means there is no room for being unhealthy, no room for not having goals, no room for bad friends who just drag you down, no room for drugs or meaningless partying...
I know what I want out of relationship now. I didn’t know completely until about a year ago, but since then I’ve been fine tuning what I want more and more. No major adjustments needed on my standards anymore.
I won’t revolve my life around sex, or money, or a career, or drama. Only love is worthy of centering my life. Art is an excellent second, along with creation, but can never completely fill the center of my life. I don’t think anyone whose known a full love can ever feel complete with anything less ever again.
If you and I never are again, you should consider your own standards. What is worth centering your life around it? Or who?
I don’t expect my current situation to last. Not when I feel so empty most of the time. Not when I barely even feel flickers of home. I don’t even cry over him much anymore. It’s almost as though the breakup is past. I’m not pulling your string so much as the fact that I’m going knocking too soon, and I feel like an ass.
I just wish I could see a bit more often. We could get more comfortable around each other again. Anyway, if I end up single, I invite you to be my roommate. Not immediately of course, but soon after. I don’t offer any more than that up front. To do so would make me a fool, and possibly a hypocrite, and I despise being that.
I know how hard it was to stay with me for as long as you did back then. Know that I’ve been put through even more than that with Tre. I understand, of course. I get why you stay with Janet. It makes sense in it’s own way. It’s hard to leave something that is at all salvageable when there is nothing better to go for. It’s hard to leave when there are good times, even if they are few and far between.
This may have typos because I’m not going to have time to reread it. I don’t even know if you’ll be coming by to collect this or not. It’s probably a bad idea to leave it out, because Crusifer may find it and blow this last shot right then. I don’t want that...
Regardless of what happens from here, I wish you the best in life, and to find contentment, if it be with me down the line, with Janet, or elsewhere. If I have not come for you by the summer of 2009, then you should join the army like you told me before. I think that’s a great way for you to go. For me to tell you otherwise would be selfish.
If you ever need something, you can always ask and I’ll do my best to help you if I can. It’s a shame we couldn’t have spent our lives as best friends from sometime when we were small. I think we both would have been happier people then we are now and have been.

Sincerely,
Atara


Thursday, November, 20th 2008 at 10:57pm
Comment:
candoor has left a new comment on your post "Recently":

well look who's here :)
i rarely wander around to others, not even those who occasionally visit me or read me regularly these days, but i just had to wave hi and send a hug...
candora still breathes, candoor recently woke, and so many other brief notes pop out of me and on the web every day these days, but not as much as they used to and before i finish uploading my words i am out the door, no time for the reading i love...
the good news is life is great offline, busy with fun, so i sacrifice the online some... still, i keep in touch and love as i always did...
yay for your idealism, keep it alive (please? :)
hugs for you - and thank you for inspiring my smile once again :)

Wednesday, November, 26th 2008 at 8:16pm

I should be finishing up my word count right now for Nanowrimo. I’m at 45,000 words. But now I can’t focus because I decided to answer the phone just incase the long-distance number wasn’t target. It was.
You see, back in June, I made a purchase of around ninety dollars. The guy at the check out was new. He didn’t know what he was talking about when he offered me a target card. I asked him, “Will I be charged?” He said “No.” He kept telling me I’d save ten-percent and that I wouldn’t be charged. So I filled out the form.
After filling it out and turning it into him he gave me some sort of packet. I asked one last time, “So you’re sure I won’t get charged for this?” At this point he’d run off to go get the packet and had talked to someone for a minute before coming back. He said, “Only if you use it.”
So I said to him, “Oh! Well, then I’m never going to use it.” And I threw the packet in the trash right in front of him with agitation. I’d just stood there and filled out that stupid thing for nothing, waited on him for nothing. I wasn’t too happy.
Turns out, duhh, saving 10% counts as using it! And I remember paying in cash and him knocking off the 10%. Crusifer was with me, he remembers this happening too. Well, I decided this time to talk to guy on the phone and he says that the entire purchase was put on the card. I told him that was impossible because I paid in cash. I didn’t pay for 10% of the purchase, but you owe me the 10% for having poor informed employees and for calling me constantly for the last two months, so leave me alone! I hung up on him, needless to say.
Now they’re trying to pin me with a bill of $210 dollars because I didn’t pay for seven dollars of my purchase. This really makes me angry. And to top it off, I was writing on my novel, but now I’m too irritated to focus. I’d really like to give the target manager a piece of my mind right now. Nice products, they are indeed, but clearly the employees badly need training!
2008-11-21 05:47:47 Curiouoso* - Somewhere
Come on Girl, Get it together! While life gives you lots of time to get it together, why wait when you have so much potential? I've had a lot of good times in my life, but sometimes I wish I hadn't fooled around so long before I got serious about life. My only real accomplishments are that my two "children" are happy and "good people" who are getting on with life and not depending on others to support them. Had I gotten serious about life earlier I might be in a better position now to help others and maybe evern retire some day! Look ahead and then make a plan to get there. You definately CAN do it! Curiouoso* always wishing you the best!


2008-11-24 18:10:50 tater
When I think of "bulk foods"..I think of the section of some grocery stores (out here anyway) that have bins of flour, nuts, raisins, pasta, spices, dried fruit, etc. It is cheaper to buy those in bulk sometimes than buy them already pre-packaged.


2008-11-25 05:23:43 Hallie
Yeah, like Tater pointed out, I always buy my grains and nuts in bulk. It's better for baking. But seriously, I know you think of "bulk foods" as being synonymous with "too much" food, but it's really not. It would be bad to buy unhealthy food in bulk, of course, but you shouldn't be buying unhealthy food at all. I buy bulk all the time. As long as the food is shelf stable and you have space to store it, it just makes economic sense. Not only is the food cheaper per unit, but I can make only occasional trips to the far away commissary, saving on gas, and then just go to nearby farmer's markets for fresh things like produce. That usually just involves walking.


Wednesday, November, 26th 2008 at 8:32pm

In terms of bulk foods.... A lot of things that are shelf-safe, such as peanut butter, are only shelf-safe because of the hydrogenated oils, which is of course another disgusting product of money-hungry large companies. Organic peanut-butter has to be refrigerated after it’s been opened and doesn’t sit for years on a shelf without going ‘bad.’
“Normal” peanut butter has gone bad the moment they added the hydrogenated oils to it.
I can definitely see buying nuts in bulk. That makes tons of sense. Pasta and grains however, while not “big evils” like high fructose corn syrup, and hydrogenated oils, are the undercover fat-makers that everyone seems to think are “healthy.” Try eating no grains, or pastas or sugar for a couple weeks, and you will see the difference.
I never eat dried fruit, mostly as a preference for things that are not hard and chewy, but in general, nothing wrong with that. But yeah, those giant tubs of peanut butter, and the huge bags of chips that are bigger than family size, and the huge bags of sugar... It just creeps me out.
One truth about having a lot of something however, is that the more you have, the more you will use, and faster. If you know you have one roll of toilet paper, you try to use as little as possible, even allowing to leak through to your fingers, because, after all, that’s why you wash your hands throughly. However, if you have an entire cupboard of toilet paper, you don’t worry about it. If you have an entire tube of tooth paste, you squeeze it out over your entire tooth brush, but if it’s running low, you use just a dab. It’s human nature, and even if we’re good about it in some areas, we’re usually like that in at least some aspects of life.

Thursday, November, 27th 2008 at 1:15pm

A couple weeks ago I refused to ever get in the car with Crusifer driving again because he purposely was driving crazy just because I told him not to. Not me being touchy, like seriously, stuff that would bother anyone, and could have been life threatening or damaged the car. And today I told him I was driving. And he wouldn't accept that. He said he'd have someone else pick him up. Even though I pick him up from work everyday.
It was the principle of me not letting him drive. He said I was treating him like a kid. Now he says he's leaving. I'm fine with that after everything he's done. He pushed me on the ground today. I told myself I'd leave if he ever did that again. I brought my parents into it because I was scared. He said he won't leave without everything he ever bought me. Which is totally unfair.
My entire nanowrimo, all my board game design, video game design, all my artwork, digital painting... photos... everything... the laptop, the hard-drive it's backed up on, the speakers... damn near the shoes off my feet... yeah, everything gets replaced in a couple years... and he happened to be the one to replace it... the things I've done for him weren't in money... so I have shit to take back.
This is what I get for doing things out of caring... I'm going to be left with nothing, and my dad is taking his side!!! And what's even more fucked up about the laptop is that the going sell rate is $600... that's not even that serious. I can't BUY one for that much, but that's all you can sell it for. So I would pay him that much just to keep it, just to drop the subject, but of course, his main reason is to spite me, just because he's angry.
Mom says I need to be thinking about the relationship and not about the laptop. But while my two years with Crusifer are fucked, my two years of "digital work" isn't fucked, unless Crusifer takes it. It's a lot like losing job and marriage at once. So of course I'm worried about the laptop. This thing is my only chance of getting a job as a digital anything right now. I need it for college too. Until I can afford a new one.
If him and I were never together, then I would have put my energy into a job or something, instead of into him, and would have earned the same things he'd bought me some other way. Why should my efforts be worth less just because they didn't make money? It's not like he doesn't have his OWN! His is actually more expensive than mine (better graphics card....) This is one reason I didn't want to jump the gun. But after today, I can't ever look at him the same
I don't want him anymore after this. This IS the last straw. But what am I supposed to do when he gets back tonight or tomorrow? I could move all my shit into Mary's until he leaves, and lock the doors... And not see him or talk to him... God that would be so awful... And he would probably go on a rampage... He wouldn't just accept it peacefully.
He said this morning, "I'll burn this fucking house down, I don't give a fuck.” As a threat for if I tried to keep this stupid laptop... I think I'm going to handle this mom's way... Similar to mine...
She's going to serve as an intermediary. And just incase Crusifer goes ballistic, everything of value of mine will be hidden... We might not even let him through the door... I don't know... She going to offer to pay for the laptop at 100 a month for six months. He doesn't know this yet of course... I'm afraid he'll get very violent though... So I'm of the opinion that the locks need changing


Thursday, November, 27th 2008 at 9:00pm

This has been one of the shittest thanksgivings ever. Not that I've ever really liked the holiday much anyway, but still. So my mom talked us into not breaking up. For what, I'm not sure. Crusifer agreed to let me drive. And we went anyway.
Dead silent car ride. Uncomfortable five hours. The last three hours of which he started getting... difficult. It's so hard to explain that part. Just picking on every little thing. Saying things like "if there weren't so many haters" and stuff. I think my mom didn't want to go through changing the lock on the door. I swear, remind me not to let my next b/f ever get a key to the house. Changing locks is a royal pain.
I just want to disappear. Breaking up is more complicated than staying together. And both suck.
“Life will get better,” Matt says. It always does. It always gets worse again too.
I thought things had gotten better when I met Crusifer. I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. Finally I'd met someone "like me" I thought to myself. Just can't make that two year marker, can I? If it wasn't for my mom, then it'd be a month short of our two-year, just like it was with Tre.
I was serious. I was about to move all his stuff to the porch, or load it in the car. Men are dangerous. I should switch to women or something. I don't know if my mom thinks I can't find better or something, but she seems to be wanting me to stay with Crusifer genuinely or something.
She was against me keeping the baby, but wants me to stay in the relationship. Christ, I'm damn glad I'm not pregnant right now! I'd probably be suicidal. Still... I still hate ... that it happened. Nothing really like laying on that table and being drugged... \
It would be easiest to get out of this relationship and let Jeremy move in. That's the easy way out really. Breaking up and staying single would be challenging at best... Staying with him... I'd have to get a job. I can't accept anything from him knowing he'll fight me for it back in the future. What a dick.
You know the real kicker? Every time he seriously thinks about being without me he gets so upset. He raves about how he's so lucky to have someone like me. How I'm easy to please, beautiful, understanding, talkative to balance his silence... etc. And then he goes and pulls stunts like today.
Man, I'd hate to do it. But I could sell the laptop and pretend to Crusifer that it was stollen. Damn that'd be a grimy ass thing to do. Well, I guess it wouldn't. It is mine. It was a gift. It was done through my bank account. It's in my name. He's got his own. It's not like I've been undeserving. So I can sell it. The grimy part would be lying about it. Then I could leave him and buy a newer, smaller, laptop.
How long did it take before we had an argument after the "change"? Let's see... That was like... Saturday night or so. So it's been less than a week. Five days pretty much. Not even, four days. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday pretty much. That's how long we didn't argue for.
Just long enough for me to start feeling something towards him again. Just enough for today to really hurt. Just long enough to remember why I wanted to marry him and have his kids in the first place.
Our two year will probably be very telling. That's the 20th. A psychic told me back in June that something very signifigant would happen to me on Jan 12th or perhaps it was 15th. My first thought was that it would be the day Cor and I split. At the time, I remember wondering how'd we last that long. Damn I suck at breakups.
It's like two people create a third entity. They become certain people just for each other. They experience things together. And soon, there is a "person" that only exists when you two are together. It's like murder when you break up, because that person is killed.
Not that I’ve tossed all that glop onto the screen. What do I really want? I want to wake up and this be just a dream. I want Crusifer to come to his senses. He’s got anger problems. I see that now. Drinking makes him get angry, and the anger is the problem more than the drinking. He’s not himself at all when he’s angry. He says different things, makes different choices. He can’t be trusted while he’s angry at all.
I’d really like him to get help for that, with or without me. It’s something that will drag him down no matter what life path he takes. I do wish him the best in everything. I want him to see things more clearly with or without me as well. His goals seem a little unclear. Well, very unclear. He gets angry when I say this because he says that they’ve been the same since I met him. But while he may want the same things, he’s not acting in such a way that will support his dreams.
I want the best for him. But I also want the best for me. If we were married, my first concern would be our love for each other, and why it’s not curing our arguments for us. I’d ask myself how to fill the gaps in our life with love for one another. Unfortunately, while he says he agrees with the philosophies of Mort, (and myself, since I agree with them), he doesn’t behave in ways that support it at all.
Monday he said he refused to argue with me anymore. And without me particularly trying any harder than usual not to argue, we had no arguments for almost an entire week. Amazing, right? But he doesn’t see that it’s him getting upset, and loud and argumentative. Meanwhile, I’m calmly responding, sitting while he’s standing, trying to remain rational as he rants and yells. I’m not yelling back at him until I’m in tears usually.
And that, right there... That’s what makes me believe this is pointless. I say something. He gets offended. (I might say “I’m driving,” or “Let me help you with that,” or “Who called?” and you never know, he may just get very, very angry.) I try to rationalize about why he shouldn’t be offended. He gets angry. I tell him he has no reason to be angry, and explain why. He talks over me. I tell him he’s not listening to me. He yells at me. I tell him he’s not listening to me. He tells me he doesn’t care what I have to say. I ask him if he cares about me. He either ignores the question and continues yelling or he stops for a second and says that he does care. I tell him that if he cares, he’d care about my opinion and my feelings. He says he does care. Then I bring the point back up again and why he shouldn’t be offended, he gets angry all over again, I start to cry, he walks out.
That. That is why it’s not working. That is why this can’t continue. That cycle just can’t keep on, day after day after day. I’m sick of it. It’s disruptful to my writing, to my thoughts, to my health, to my sanity, to being a peaceful human being.
Can Crusifer overcome his angry problems? I don’t know. I would be willing to help him with it. I would stick by him and try to work through this. But he won’t even admit that he has a problem. I mean, he will. But he’ll deny it again tomorrow. I’ll go through all the effort of proving he has a problem, and then he’ll finally admit that I’m right, and then, two days later, I’m saying “Crusifer, you’re getting angry again. Can we talk and not shout?” And he’s denying it again.
I’m guessing that he’s going to get drunk tonight. He’s already fucked everything up, but if he hopes at all to fix things, then he’ll call, and he won’t get drunk, and he’ll be home before midnight. But it won’t happen that way. He won’t call. He will get fucked up. He’ll get home around three in the morning. I know him. For him to do anything else would be... odd.

Thursday, November, 27th 2008 at 9:00pm

2008-11-27 03:48:25 Hallie says;
Yeah, that's why I specified that you shouldn't buy foods in bulk that you shouldn't be buying at all- I'm only talking about healthy shelf stable foods. Also, people only use more of something when they have no schedule that governs their use of it. I'm an incredibly busy person, for example, but I like to do everything my self. To use your example of peanut butter, I make my own. To make this work, I shop for and use products (all products, even toilet paper) on a tight schedule of my own careful making. Sure, people use more of something if they have a lot of it and don't see any other reason to think about what they're doing, but the problem there isn't having a lot of things on hand. The problem is that they aren't thinking consciously about their consumption, which is something I thought you already tried to do all the time.
As far as going completely without grains, no, I can't. I have to carefully monitor my protein and carbohydrate intake and make sure I get the right amount of both because of my workout schedule. A lot of store bought bread isn't healthy, that's true, and a lot of the healthy stuff is expensive and found mostly at health stores that aren't located conveniently near me (or, I would think, many people). This is only one of many reasons I make our bread, too.


Hallie,
It sounds to me like you have most everything figured out Hallie. I think I'd love to meet you. While sometimes I find myself gritting my teeth at what you say, usually, I find that your comments are full of things I should think about seriously. I get the feeling that you truly have been where I've been, and that you've thought about the things I've thought about. It might be cool to meet one day. Wouldn't it? -Atara





















Saturday, November, 29th 2008 at 3:51am

Crusifer just got home.
I’m really into this band now, called Muse. At least, this one song, Butterflies & Hurricanes, which I can’t get out of my head, not that I want to. It’s a great song to have stuck in your head. It goes;

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead
best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now
don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived
best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now


That might very well be the best song I’ve heard in my life, honestly. The music, the words, the overall effect. The first time I heard it I was completely mesmerized. I was in Ashley’s car, and Matt was in the front seat beside her and I was alone in the back. We were coming back from Tift Farms & the beach out there. We were quiet and subdued, just listening to her CD play. The sky was beautiful.
Use this change to be heard. It strikes a cord in me I have not felt since I was around eleven... I felt that pressure to change the world back then. A sort of duty I felt. Since then I’ve felt like life was so complicated that I needed to just learn how to save myself first. Perhaps I need to turn my thoughts back in that direction.
Let’s see if the rest of Muse’s music is as loveable as that one track.




Saturday, November, 29th 2008 at 2:55pm

I think it’s my mom’s birthday... I should go downstairs and spend time with her. I want to finish my nanowrimo though. Only 500 words to go. Silly to be stuck on five-hundred words when I’ve already done 49,500...
It’s hard to write when you wake up depressed though. I feel like a mountain of shit. I’m a landfill of misery or something. I feel this terrible ache where I ought to feel compassion and love towards Crusifer. My chest has that awful sinking, heavy sensation... I feel like my face is frozen in a knot. Last night I had to consciously keep relaxing my face so that I could sleep.
I feel so completely betrayed. My last drops of hope are all used up and now there is nothing but desolation and loss. No more reading game informer side by side... No more digital painting to anime music while he 3D models with maya or z-brush... No more sketching side by side, complimenting and critiquing each other’s work.
Now I’m either feeling sick to my stomach or I just started to get cramps. I’m not thrilled either way. He didn’t even say goodbye to me this morning...
Last night was petty and stupid, but nonetheless, what happened was important...
Just remembered my dream. I was in a local fountain, it was nice and warm and everyone was putting their feet in the water. This fountain was huge, with many layers of water falling from one large compartment into another, each compartment close enough to the one it’s falling into to just step right into. Some large design including rock statues. I was trying to move quickly for some reason and a gust of wind caught me so forcefully I was forced to run along the slippery fountain floor and then to jump over breaks between one compartment and another and to catch myself on a statue. I know there was more, but that’s the part I remember clearly. That, and my father was there and when I told him what had happened, he doubted me, which made me very angry, and sad.
I find myself crying for such short bouts that I don’t realize I’ve cried until it’s over. I’ll sob once, one to three tears will fall, my body will quiver, and then I’m wiping it away, thinking about something else, so accustomed to willing myself to think about something else...
Another part of my dream...
I was at someone else’s house, a party or some sort. There were avocados prepared in different ways I’d never seen before, and berries, very large strawberries, the size of my fist, and other interesting things. I took a sample of each thing onto my plate, which filled the entire plate quite comfortably. I tried a couple things, enjoying them, and then a woman came up to me and tried to take my plate. I frowned and got defensive. She told me I’d taken too much. I told her I’d only sampled a little of each thing. She said she could see that, and that it was too much. I told her the was no reason to take it after I’d already touched all of it with my fingers. She said it looked bad and that I couldn’t sit there and eat it. I became extremely upset because I hadn’t gotten to the giant strawberry that was cut in half on the side of my plate. I left the plate and ran to the bathroom. The bathroom door locked in the weirdest way. It slid over, and then the “arrow shaped” side of the door pushed flat in sections, until the door was square, and then locked. And that’s all I remember of that.
I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself... I’m torn in so many different directions and I don’t even know which way I want or which way I’m likely headed or what’s best for me. I so far know: I want to list everything I want to sell all at once on e-bay. If I sell anything at all it’ll cover the cost of listing so much stuff at once, and I’ll learn from what item sold as to what price-range and presentation is most effective. I want to go to college when I turn 21. I want to finish my novel and work towards getting it published as soon as possible. I want to get a part time job before I go to college; someplace nearby. I want to meet more people like Matt and also more gamers like Asa. I want to have large, successful game nights every Friday night. I want to finish my board game for sure.
What I’m torn about on those aspects is the priority each of those things should take in my life. And of course, the love thing, that’s an obvious one.
Ah crap, why did I decide to call my mom now? Now of course I’m going downstairs to help her do stuff. She’s going and working on the porch for her birthday. *sigh* And I have not written yet. Tonight.

2008-11-28 14:50:14 Travanti - Somewhere

damn so it is really in your nature to move on quickly shit even jeremy is back in the picture. same cycle huh


2008-11-28 20:41:09 tater - Somewhere
You seem to be drawn to men (or they are drawn to you) that have anger problems (well, maybe Jeremy didn't but...) That in itself it something worth exploring. Get him out of that house and your life as soon as possible. It'll be hard but it'll be worth it in the end...There are PLENTY of good men out there that aren't violent, angry, dangerous, etc...you just need to have the patience to meet one. I can't believe he threw you on the ground...come on...wise up, sweetie..this has to end NOW! I understand about the laptop dilemna, but really...it'd be better to be left with NOTHING material than continue down this horrible path...material objects are only material objects...good luck!


2008-11-29 02:46:43 Hallie - Somewhere
Does your mother KNOW that he threw you on the ground? Because if she does, and she still wants you to stay with him, I'm pretty shocked.
You need to change the locks and keep him out of the house. There's nothing he can do (unless he paid rent) and he can't demand that stuff back back. I mean, he can, but he can't do it legally or with police assistance and if he tries to do it by threatening or intimidating you then YOU can call the cops. In fact, I don't know what the laws are like there, but if he doesn't have any renter's rights then you can call the cops to keep him off your property. Trespassing is a crime. In some places you get renter's rights basically by ever having paid any rent, and in other jurisdictions it's more strict, so if he's ever given your parents money then you might have to figure out what you can do legally.
Anyway, the point is, you need to protect yourself. That means you need to protect yourself emotionally from anymore of his hurtful behavior and physically from any harm he might do you, and, in my opinion, you need to protect things like the laptop that give you some chance at a job and school. Good luck with it all, I'm sure it will be resolved soon now.


Hallie,
My mom just wants me to be happy, and she doesn’t believe breaking up would make me happy. She feels that I’m not ready. I suspect I might be more ready than either Crusifer and her know. I feel so empty about it now. I think I’ve already been grieving for a long time.

Tater,
I think it’s not so much that I was drawn to Crusifer knowing he had a problem, but rather, after seeing his problems, I tried to help him and change him instead of backing away. In the future, I don’t think I’ll make that mistake again.

Tre,
You goof. I wouldn’t say Jeremy is “in” the picture. That’s a bit of a stretch. And I wouldn’t say I move on quickly either. I make changes in my life that help me move on, but internally I take forever. As Matt pointed out, I’ve been miserable since before me met me months ago. I just hate to give up on him. Just like I didn’t want to give up on you.


Saturday, November, 29th 2008 at 5:23pm

Though the novel it self is not done, it’s just reached 50,000 words! I’ve won nanowrimo, on my first try too! I knew I could do it! I thought however that I’d probably be done with a novel at around 60,000 words... Now I’m thinking more like 90,000 words... I’m going to try to be over half way through the book at this point. I want to finish this story, but leave it open ended to continue the series.
I have a number of second-book ideas, but I need to stay focused on just the task of finishing the first book. I know from past experience with failed novels that one things that does not work for me is to think too far ahead. Also, writing extensive charts and drawing extensive maps, while fun, are side projects that detract from my overall focus.
I do plan to illustrate the novel as well as to draw up some very detailed maps for it, but I won’t let myself get on to that stuff until the editing stage has begun. Just getting to the end of the book needs to be my focus now. I really want to publish it. I believe this is a good story and that it’s written quite well. Well enough to be published. Well enough that it’s just as good as many other books being published, and possibly better by the time I’m done with it.

Sunday, November, 30th 2008 at 4:25am

Crusifer seems to be giving up on me now. Based on what he says anyway. The whole thing with me not trusting him driving is really getting to him. He feels like I’ll never forgive him for it. I’ve explained why that isn’t really true. I’m a very forgiving person. Probably, too forgiving.
We’ve been “talking” for the last hour or so. It got loud a few times, but wasn’t too bad. Neither of us really wants a screaming match, and we both know that is where is going if we don’t constantly keep ourselves in check.
I understand so much better now the cycle that keeps bitter relationships going. So much history has a way of piling it self in ways you’d never guess... Real life ties things together in ways that books can never fully imitate. Mostly this is because most of us don’t have the memory to see all the connections. And partly because truth is so strange that as fiction, it often sounds corny.
I really have no drive to be awake right now. Just that I don’t have the correct mind state to fall asleep...
Crusifer says to me as he rolls over, “That was a waste of two years.”
I say, while we’re laying back to back; “Even if this is the end... It was the best two years of my life.” And I meant it.
Of course, I suppose the complete and technical truth would be that somewhere around a year of our relationship was the best year of my life, and the second best would probably be the year with Jeremy. Third... Who knows. Perhaps the last year with Tre would be third best because of all the strength I had to gain to endure it. That was the hardest year in many ways. Well, that’s hard to say, the fire was pretty hard, but all liberating and full of self-discovery, and full of unsuspected rewards.
All of that however, is aside from my point though. The best part of my life thus far has been with Crusifer. Discovering that I’m not alone. That feeling was so profound. That... changed my perception of everything. It gave me a new sort of strength; and hope.
I suppose I can list my years from the best to the worst by how much I learned about myself in each year, and how much better of a person I became. That’s why this time with Crusifer has been so good... I became someone I could love. And I learned that I am worth loving! What could be better than that? And those really did come from my experiences with him.
Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to let go even when everything is crumbling. I’m holding onto the best memories in my life... Fuck. I wasn’t going to think about this. Crying can be lame when you do it as much as I do.

Sunday, November, 30th 2008 at 1:02pm

“And in other news,” I say, “My relationship is limping to it's final days.”
He laughs and says, “Took long enough.”
“Yeah, as Matt pointed out, I've been thinking about it since before I met Matt back in June,” I answer. “I just hate to give up on it. The first year with Crusifer was the best year of my life... Literally.”
“Aw thats cute,” he says.
“But it's just gotten worse and worse,” I say regretfully. “No, it's more than cute. It was incredible. I felt alive. I had energy. I wanted to do things. I learned so much about life and about myself and about people. I didn't feel alone for once. Even the two years I lived with Tre... Not once was it like that. Even with my first love... Yeah, I was very content and I did mature a lot, but not the same at all... I found a like being in Crusifer, and that... That is something I feel like I can never replace...”
“Well like the saying goes.. live and learn,” he says.
“Indeed,” I agree. “My third serious relationship, ending just before the two year.”
He says; “Things change, people change, you just have to learn to accept it and move on.”
“While everything you're saying is entirely true, if you were in my position, you'd probably be either angry as hell and throwing a scene, or in a bathroom somewhere popping pills hoping to die, or sitting here at your computer, like I am, stone-faced and dazed, trying to pretend nothing is real. marker, yet again.”

Then, to some else, to Will actually, “The longer we live like this the more relaxed we'll become with the distance... maybe part as friends? I know it's impossible to "hang out" afterwards, but it would be better to part without spitting and cursing.”
“It's always the better alternative, but do you think you can go through that for the long term? Living while "separated"? My brother and his girlfriend tried that a good number of times and I can tell you it didn't really work.”
“I can see that,” I say. “Not long. And I'm guessing it may change. This is going to sound fucked up, but I want him to believe I'm not going anywhere before I go.”
“That's just spiteful, and it's only going to lead to a fight. I think the best message is a clear one. But that's only my opinion. You're free to disregard it,” Will says.
“Well, not to be spiteful,” I answer. “ I don't want us both to turn our backs and walk away without goodbye... Like we did this morning. I'd like I kiss him and tell him I don't regret our time together, to remind myself and him that everything was real. And then say goodbye...”
“You're a nice person to give him that much.”
“I wish I could say that, but it's for me and my conscience, my closure. I'm not sure how much I care about his closure,” I say.
“Ahn, don't cry now dear,” he says as I burst into a short bout of tears.
“I can't help it.”
“I understand,” he says.
“If I don't let a couple tears escape every few hours then I'll spend all night wailing,” I explain.
“Completely understand.”
“Now I see why Jeremy left me when he did. He waited three months after the last incident happened. I had no idea he was going to leave. Everything was fine, and then he just sat me down and told me he didn't trust me anymore.”
“He let you go on a good note, more or less...”
“Well, it may have been better for him, but it left me insane with fury and heartbreak. I didn't really believe it would end, and incidently, neither did he, so he says now. When he came back, eight months later, I was with Tre, and not interested.”

“I'm kinda a relationship junkie I guess,” I say to the other guy again, Dave I think his name is... Embarrassing that I’m not sure I guess.
“Yeah.”
“Perhaps a commitment junkie is the more common term.”
“Yeah, sounds about right. Well it is nice to have someone around.”
“Nice is an understatement. My situation is unique. I started living with my first love after a house fire when I was 14. It was like gaining a sibling and a spouse at the same time. He was 18 at the time. I got the luxury of sleeping against a warm body so early. It's rather addictive. Besides, now I'm like a relationship expert at this point. I know so many different types of relationships and happenstances that happen. How love turns sour. How breakups affect you, one stage at a time.”
“Yeah,” he says vaguely.
“I can just sit on everything I know about it. I know a hell of a lot about health, art, writing, and anime. But I know more about intimate relationships than I do about all of those combined. It would be weird to be single for a long period of time,” I say.
He laughs, “Yeah; I just need to get laid every once and awhile.”
“Even Crusifer thought that was what he wanted... to get laid. I think he knows better now. He said so himself once, that the companionship was much more precious, much harder to find. He said wistfully, "A life long companion... That would be amazing." Too bad that dream wasn't worth becoming a better person for. That dream wasn't worth keeping his promises or phone calls, or being a decent person.”










Comments on my Nanowrimo Victory:

2008-11-30 06:45:14 That person whose name rhymes with tendril - Somewhere
Congratulations! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!


2008-11-30 12:32:10 Someone - Somewhere
Your so vain, I bet you think this comments about you.


2008-11-30 14:20:41 Tater - Somewhere
Congrats!


Sunday, November, 30th 2008 at 4:57pm

Hanging out with Matt, Ashley and Alex has only made me realize that I’ve lost my best friend. Crusifer has been there for me... Yeah, spotty as it was at times... There were entire weeks where everything was a perfect bliss. There were a couple of months where I could think of nothing but our future child and our future home and the life we could have together forever, just like it was then...
My best friend is gone... The Crusifer that I could take to, confide in, hold and cherish is gone... There is no more long comfortable days... Going to red robin, playing video games, talking, drawing... No more cuddling on the bed and reading. That chapter in my life is closed, and I don’t think it’s ever going to open back up.
It’s just not the same... I can’t say the same things to Matt at all. I can’t feel that sense of belonging with them. I feel like an awkward fourth wheel, as if their car only has three. I understand the whole thing about always being honest, but at this point it just feels like Matt is endlessly making fun of me.
I think I made an ass of myself today. I talked too much. When they were silent, I talked, and no one commented. When they talked, no one ever heard or paid attention to what I was saying. I felt like an ass, let’s put it that way. Sure, they’ll accept my company. Ashley will pick me up. Matt will speak to me and sometimes comment on things I say... It’s more than I’ve had with “friends” before, but... It’s no replacement.
I feel incredibly dark. I feel that urge to paint black all over my face, dye my hair black, and wear skater pants and long black shirts. I’m not actually going to act on it, but I feel it.
Shit, speaking of make-up, I forgot I was wearing any. Now it’s all smeared all over the back of my hand. That’s probably why I have not worn make-up the past few months. It just ends up all over my face from the constant flow of tears. Have I cried three times today? Just about. It feels so surreal...
There have been times where I purposely continued to cry, hoping for comfort, for support, for anything. There were times where I continued to cry just to try and get “everything out,” but I don’t feel the same way about it anymore. A feeling only continues because you continue to think about the cause of that feeling. If you stop thinking about why you’re crying and focus on calming back down again, then it’s all over and you start a new train of thought.
I wonder if anyone else looks at it that way? They probably do, but don’t actually put it to words. I wouldn’t call this bottling emotions at all. That would be when you think of something that makes you angry or makes you want to cry, and instead of releasing that thought, you swallow it and dwell on it and then try to move on all with a straight face. No, this is different. This is being consumed by the thought, and then using the ensuing tears as a distraction from continuing to think about it.
I feel like an ass.
Where do I go from here? No matter how much I think about how pleasing parts of my past with Crusifer were, there is no going back there. Crusifer doesn’t believe he owes me anything. He doesn’t believe I’m worth the “work.” He doesn’t even believe that I’m honest or that I have practiced what I’ve preached towards him. He doesn’t believe I’ve forgiven him for anything he’s ever done. He claims he’s heard me say it all before, and yet he doesn’t understand any of it. He places no value on the things he says to me. He doesn’t believe he has an anger problem. He refuses to make me more than a third or fourth priority in his life. He won’t do anything for me that he can’t see benefitting himself in the near future; in other words, pleasing me doesn’t please him; not even foreplay! For gods sakes, why can’t I just declare the whole thing helpless and useless and just move on? Why can’t I forget that he’s been my best friends for so long?
Why do I still care? What kind of fucking idiot am I? Do I have to wait for him to steal from me like Tre did to wake up? By the gods, that wasn’t even enough? Remember that? I had to be sure he was the one stealing from me. It had to be obvious. And ever then I hoped he would confess to it, that he would change! Am I retarded?
I don’t want to never see him again! There were so many things we were going to do together! So much art to create! So much to learn together... So many common interests! Why, why, why isn’t it worth it to him? Have I not been the same thing to him all along? Have I not been as important? Have I not ever...
Well I was wearing eyeliner and eyeshadow. Not anymore.
Ah, tissue in the nose feels good. Just let it sit there. I look like an ass now too. I might even look like more of an ass than I feel like one. Hurray!
It’s dark outside now. It was still light out when I got home. I missed the sun setting again. I always seem to miss it. I’m nearly always indoors when it happens, not looking at the window; completely unaware that in a million different places in the world a beautiful phenomenon is happening. The sun appears to kiss the horizon, and then to sink into it, and the sky changes color. We’re transfixed, because we’re human, and we’re emotional. Or, we’re alone, in our rooms, in front of a computer, or in an office, or at a store... We’re not watching. Who has time for smelling roses anyway?
But how could I write about smelling a rose if I’d never smelled it? How could anyone draw a sunset if they’d never seen it? How could you describe the taste in your mouth when it rains if you’d never been caught in the rain? How would you relish the memories of the sensations caused by the world if you’d never been there to experience them? You wouldn’t. You couldn’t. I think that’s something I’ve been learning this last year. Sometimes, insignificant happenstance creates the most memorable parts of life. It doesn’t seem productive, and yet it is.
What could be more productive that setting your mind at ease and opening the door to realizations, piece of mind, clarification, and being uplifted? What could be more significant than inspiration and enlightenment? What could be more meaningful than peace and beauty and simple observation and understanding? Perhaps this, this right here, is the single wonder of being an adult.
leaveten writes;
i think he's an asshole. i think you don't think enough of yourself to realize he's not good enough for you. i think you need time being single, to be on your own, almost all of your entries are about guys- life is more than that. i think you need to spend time getting to know you to see it. i think you should see a therapist (not a bad thing!). i think your sexual fantasies might be damaging, and have some underlying reasoning. i don't think you're bipolar, because you don't show any signs of manic activity. i think your codependency on men isn't healthy. i hope you don't take any of this as an insult, i don't mean it that way. i read every single one of your entries. i've spent the day doing so. from 2003 to the most recent. if i meant to insult you, i wouldn't put that much effort into it. that's really all i have to say. i wish you the best of luck.

Leaveten,
Every entry? That's amazing. I wonder if that means my stats page is a liar. It tells me the most page views I had in one day was the 28th, on which 225 pages were viewed. (I just checked, I have 1429 entries, I bet only about 300 of those are really any good, lol.) I noticed with my other gold account that it claimed I had a bunch of clicks on my banners, but then all the stats from the past week were not as much as the total clicks ought to be equal too. Strange, no? Unless the "page view" count doesn't work the way I thought it did. I'm pretty sure "unique hosts" is supposed to be the number of different IP address, therefore the number of people, while "page views" should be all the different pages. Anyway, I think it's flawed somewhere...
In response to what you actually wrote me now, lol... My sexual fantasies have actually almost entirely vanished. I'm really just not like that anymore, on that note. I agree that a therapist may be helpful. If you've all my entries then you should know I've thought about it a lot in the past. My codependency is clearly a result of my upbringing and the incident with the fire and Jeremy ending up moving in with us. Also, I’m guessing you read about that, no need to elaborate there. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how being so lonely as a child has probably highly impacted my desperate need to connect and feel companionship.
I do have bipolar people in my family, as well as several schizophrenics, alcoholics, and diabetics. I’m probably highly prone to all four of those, which is one good reason to stay away from sugar and beer 100% with no exceptions. I probably show the least tendency towards being bipolar out of those four things, from my perspective. I do tend to get highly depressed and to become ridiculously cheerful out of no where, but I don’t really think that it’s a condition that I have; just human nature and the my subjective reactions based on the things I’ve experienced.
I’m amazed you could read so much about me and have so “little” to say, though you did pack a lot into that small paragraph. I don’t take it as an insult. I take it to mean that I have issues and issues are interesting to read about, and at the same time, a good person wants to let another person know that they have issues, right?
Anyway, I appreciate the input. ~Phoenix

2008-11-30 23:19:22 Sherry - sherryrowe@gmail.com
Nothing to say....just wanted to let you know I was reading. http://bais-mom.diaryland.com


2008-12-01 01:15:47 Someone - Somewhere
Woman! You should be with another girl, you know. They're so much more compassionate and caring... Haha. I've told you a million times what I think of him... And even moreso, you don't want to be in a relationship you feel you need to be in just because of what you had. It's what you have, and what you will have, and the very aspect of Love that counts. Anyway... I know I haven't been around for a long time now, but I'd like to say that you're comment book picture is absolutely stunning. *saved*. Keep in touch, dear. http://and-darling.diaryland.com


Monday, December, 1st 2008 at 7:04pm

For some unknown reason I’m getting a “parental controls prevent you from viewing” error on video chat on aim. Isn’t that completely weird? Out of nowhere, it cut off and told me that. Very creepy.

Hungry

Tuesday, November, 11th 2008 at 11:37am

I know that there was a reason I wanted to get up this morning. I was looking forward to something. What was it though? Now that I’m awake and Crusifer is gone... (Why the hell does he leave at eleven-thirty to get to work at o’clock when it’s a five minute drive, a ten minute bike ride and a fifteen minute walk?) I don’t know what I was looking forward to.
I probably was hoping to write or something. It’s hardly possible with the blaring music, the loud construction... We’re getting siding done on the house. They start making this awful racket around eight o’clock in the morning. I generally go to sleep around three in the morning, so you can imagine how I’ve been taking that. I ended up getting up at ten this morning, not like you could call what I was doing sleeping from eight to ten.
I am trying again. That is, with Crusifer. But it’s bloody hard to get over how bitter I feel. I’m not even sure of all the ‘generous’ things I normally would want to do for somebody I’m in love with... Doing anything at all for him makes me feel like an idiot wasting time. He got mad at me this morning for spending ninety dollars on groceries.
I bought apples, cheese, apple soy chips, rice crisps, eggs, chicken broth, carrots and mint for me. I bought chicken wings, pizza, and orange juice for him. I bought three gallons of water, a pack of toilet paper, and plastic forks and spoons for the both of us. What’s he expect? Heaven forbid we run out of shampoo, trash bags, wipes and hot sauce all at once, he’d probably flip.
In general, let’s see, the disposable things (between both of us) that we’d always like to have: trash bags, tooth brushes, tooth paste, napkins, wipes, toilet paper, shampoo, conditioner, appercot scrub, soap, body wash, a body scrubber, toilet cleaner, floor cleaner, organic snack food, fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, frozen lima beans, potatoes, honey, eggs, bacon bits, rice, tea bags, fresh herbs, spices, body lotion, frozen pizza, frozen chicken wings, gluten-free flour, hot sauce, matches... The list probably goes on, but I’m sure I covered the major stuff. But imagine how much that would cost if you bought it all at once!?!? Probably around three hundred, maybe four hundred dollars. So yeah, once or twice a month, if you intend to maintain your standard of living, you’re going to spend one hundred dollars on grocery store stuff.
Oh nifty, the internet is out again. Wireless. What a drag.
What’s funny is that mom provides us with eggs, potatoes, bacon bits, spices, lima beans, lettuce, butter, milk, and other such things. She lets us use her stuff all the time. We’re using her oil and her deep fryer for the chicken wings. Her pans to cook muffins in. Her pots to cook rice in. She buys the paper plates, and/or washes the dishes and buys the dish soap. Things would be a lot more expensive if weren’t living here. He’s so unappreciative.
This is not to mention the fact that I went to go buy groceries by myself, and had to put gas in the car because it was on empty, but generally we don’t pay for gas either, nor car assurance.
So I just called him to tell him that I forgot that I also put gas in the car. We end up arguing, of course. We were calm for about half that conversation. Then he tells me he has to go, and I say, “Why? It’s only twelve-fifteen...” And he says, “Because I have to handle business. I’ll call you back.” And I say, “What business?” And then he’s not listening to me and I hear El’s voice, so I say, “You’re not handling business, you’re talking to El. Why couldn’t you just say you wanted to talk to El?” And he says, “Because then you’d get angry because I was talking to him instead of you.” And I say, “Yeah, but at least you wouldn’t be lying to me, that’s just going to cause another argument.” And he says, “I’d rather just lie to you and get off the phone now than spend the next twenty minutes arguing with you on the phone. I said I’d call you back.” And then I say, “But you won’t call me back! That’s another lie!”
He hangs up.
I don’t see how I can put forth effort into this relationship again. I’m afraid I might have already completely given up. I’m just to scared to admit that to myself or something.


Comments:
2008-11-10 15:27:34 Ras-Travanti
as for your question call it a hint of delayed growth. what i mean by that is you breaking up with me was probably the best thing for me. you for one should know people can change, and when you broke up with me you yanked me out of my comfort zone which was being with you forever in that house and at that point and time I was comfortable with that thought which in it self shows that i had a lot of maturing to do. But when we broke up reality hit me like a ton of bricks I started to think i mean really think about everything. Such as life in general what do i really want out of life, and for a very long time it was just to have fun in life being with you with out any consequences of my actions. Now that thought made me understand something that i was ignorant to at the time, consequence being with you i felt that nothing mattered at all but i forgot a simple rule in life that my father was trying to tell me long before i met you. and what you forced me to learn every action has a reaction. i fucked up (my action) you dumped my ass reaction duh right i know. now with that in mind i thought about the reaction of you if i had acted on impulse instead of logic. I loved you and still to this day you have a piece of my heart. so i figure change in my reality would do me some good, and it has change of environment progression in education and being a provider has molded me into a different man that walks a self righteous path. i know that me going crazy would not change anything. if anything it will diminish hopes of you seeing change in me. Live Life Don,t Just Merely Exist.

2008-11-14 04:50:38 Someone - Somewhere
hey i've been reading for awhile and i noticed how you almost-always write about how your relationship is non-existant or something. i honestly, don't know why you won't just let go....but then again, i'm not you so i wouldn't know how hard it is.


2008-11-14 15:22:02 Sherry - sherryrowe@gmail.com
MEN!!! Reading this made me want to smack him with something, and I don't even know you guys!!
http://bais-mom.diaryland.com


2008-11-05 22:07:58 Stepfordtart - Somewhere
I havent been over here before so Im not really qualified to say, but he does sound a bit of a cunt. Good luck with the Nano - I have a couple of other d'land friends who are doing it, too. I only wish I had enough time to have a go myself. s x http://stepfordtart.diaryland.com


2008-11-06 00:16:08 Anna - Somewhere
Hiya - I am by coincidence one of stepfordtart's friends who should be doing nano but is browsing through diaries instead. So I'll be off, as I've done less than 3,000 words. Good luck x
http://annanotbob.diaryland.com


2008-11-06 00:33:26 Someone - Somewhere
Fuck this guy. You can find better than this. Good luck : - ) PS You are beautiful


2008-11-06 11:37:19 Tobias - Somewhere
Its good that your spending more time on things that make you happy. As for your situation with Crusifer, it seems like you are starting to answer your own questions - and that is great.
http://lawliiet.diaryland.com


2008-11-07 20:05:38 Travanti - Somewhere
hey i know its a long time since i read your diary ur i was just wondering what you been up to sorry to hear things are rocky in relationship but i really just wanted to say hi and hopefully chatch up on things. ttyl.

2008-11-08 18:22:30 tater - Somewhere
You are thinking really lucidly about this relationship and that is good. Throw him out on his ass whenever you feel that you are ready. Keep creating..don't let anything or anybody stand in your way!


Thursday, November, 13th 2008 at 3:95pm

Yesterday I took the backs and seats and table top off of a card table and chairs, and I re-upholstered them with the pink vinyl Aunt Mary gave me last year for Christmas. I did this because I had the cloth and didn’t know what to use it for. I did it because I needed a table and chairs to play board games on for game night. I did it because Mom and I happened to see them at a second hand store and she wanted to buy them, but was hesitant because they were beat up, but wanted them because they were the ‘quality metal kind’ that they don’t make anymore.
I agreed to re-upholster them and spray paint the metal if she paid for them and we’d both have use of it. So we got them. Also yesterday, I took the metal parts outside and killed the fingers using three cans of black spray paint to finally get all the areas covered. Then it rained this morning, so when I went to go use a fourth can for the finishing coat they were wet. So I dried them off with paper towels outside in the cold. And then I had to set up a tarp to cover them and use wet bits of wood and such to prop them up.
Meanwhile Crusifer is upstairs looking at porn. That’s all he’s done since six o’clock this morning. He won’t pay attention to me because he’s too busy talking about porn, and regardless of what I say he turns the topic back to hot females other than me. He gets frustrated because I’m looking upset. I try to explain, but he clearly doesn’t get that talking to me about hot girls other than myself does not count as paying attention to me.
He makes a real attempt to pay attention to me for about five minutes. Five minutes were pleasant this morning. Then, he remembers some thought about some chick and starts playing with his hair, looking to the side and talking about porn again. He defends himself by saying that he doesn’t know these girls and such. So what? It’s not about the porn! It’s about paying attention to me. But does he ever get what I’m upset about? No.
So then I ask him if we’re going to drywall today, like he agreed to on Tuesday and yesterday. He says no. Then he wonders why I’m upset again. He defends himself by saying I could get things done myself. He wonders why this makes me more upset. I get dressed, he returned to his computer. I go outside and dry off the chairs, set up the tarp and begin to cover all the splotches the rain made.
I’m cold, and wet, and my fingers hurt, and Crusifer comes outside and says, “What’s this for?” Never mind that I’ve already told him twice. Oh well, it’s expected to have to repeat myself. “The kitchen?” He asks.
“Nope, it’s for the dining room. Well not really, it’s the gaming table for now.”
“What’s up with the seats?” He asks.
“They’re inside, I re-upholstered them in pink. Remember?” I explain.
“You’re not going to paint the walls pink and black are you?”
“No, I’m not. I already told you that.”
“Well, if you’re going to put all this pink and black stuff in there... The whole house is going to be pink and black.”
“I’m building you an office,” I say, getting angry. “You can do whatever you want in there.”
“So you’re just giving me one little space while you have the rest of the house!”
“I only have one little space too Crusifer!”
“No, you have the whole room!”
“It’s not one little space, it’s huge, it’s half the attic!”
“I just don’t want you making the whole house pink and black. Our whole room is pink.”
“I painted it before I met you!”
“I know, but now you’re doing it downstairs too.”
“No I’m not. This isn’t going to be the dining room table. It’s a folding card table. It goes in a closet! I told you I’m only going to paint the window frames in the kitchen black, and then I’m done painting.”
“Whatever, I don’t why you’re starting shit,” he says, walking towards the backdoor.
“I’m starting shit?! You came out here just for the purpose of accusing me of making the whole house pink and black and I’m starting shit!?” But he’s already back in the house. When I come back inside, he’s gone.

Thursday, November, 13th 2008 at 5:39pm

My head hurts.
My relationship with Crusifer is never going to work. I’m never going to be able to talk to my Dad without getting angry. I’m never going to know either of my brothers. I won’t be having children or a husband any time soon. Matt is too busy to spend any time with me, and Mom is about as rankled as I am only with more things to do.
I’m trying so hard not to let other people’s actions throw me so out of whack, especially Crusifer’s. But both my father and Crusifer make my heart ache so bad. On days where I’ve had a go with them both I can barely hold my gut from spilling out.
I can’t deal with myself anymore.


Friday, November, 14th 2008 at 4:39pm

Some advice I posted on the Nation Novel Writing Month’s official website’s forums;

We all experience it; that page we write that was unintended. That paragraph that was totally out of line. That sentence that had nothing to do with anything. Nanowrimo has forced me to figure out a way to avoid that, and I'd like to share it with everyone.
Often, we reread the last bit we just wrote and then try to think of the very next action or sentence to follow it. This is dangerous everyone! Very dangerous indeed. What then happens is that we just link one sentence to the next, one paragraph to the next, which is excellent for a bit of stream of consciousness but terrible for creating an interesting theme, plot, moral, characters and scenes and so forth.
The solution? After recalling where you left off, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and smell the air. Feel your body and it's warmth. What's touching you? What are you touching? What do the textures feel like? What does the air smell like. What's the current taste in your mouth?
Now, once you've answered all these questions for yourself, answer them for your character in your story. Do this all in your head, no writing yet. Once you've done that, imagine what your character will do next. Imagine the entire next scene or chapter, and imagine it vividly. Say to yourself inside your head some lines that you may write to accent certain parts of your imagination. When you've completed a section of your story, a scene or a chapter or the next 1000 words, then open your eyes and watch your fingers fly to work.
It's amazingly effective. The trick really is to be relaxed enough to imagine the next events clearly. If need be, imagine the scene a second time with a slightly different twist, and then write it which ever of the two ways flows best. Don't beat yourself up if you don't end up writing exactly what you imagined. The imagination of the scene is mostly to get you juiced up to write. Guiding your plot and characters more effectively is just a happy bonus.
Try it, and then reply this topic with your experiences.



Saturday, November, 15th 2008 at 12:09am

Well, Crusifer isn’t making the best case for wanting to marry me. He hasn’t managed to make his way home. To say that this displeases me would be inaccurate, an inadequate.

Saturday, November, 15th 2008 at 8:22pm

After writing that sparse tidbit last night, I got on to writing. I wrote for a decent amount of time. Crusifer got home at around three in the morning. We had sex for the second time since my abortion. It still hurts. It hurts in a way that I now understand to mean that I have a buildup of “goop” inside. In other words, all the discharge is building up along the walls. It’s good to understand these things now. In the past I have not been able to do anything but say that I’m cursed. The doctors never have an explanation for any of my ills, pretty much since birth.
So yeah, women, if you ever have the sensation that your insides are being scratched, like there is hair on the penis that is penetrating you, it means that you have a build up inside. Have him help you get it out by scooping gently with his fingers. Take some long soaking baths. Wait a few days for your insides to heal. If it gets worse, then, well, see your doctor. If it remains the same, repeat. If it gets better, then celebrate with some passionate love making.
Those are my words of wisdom for the day, ha. My brother Roy went to an arm wrestling competition in Albany today. My mom drove him and Roy’s son, Mike out there. They’re still driving back now. Roy called and told me he got the right-handed novice trophy. He’s gotten the left-handed novice trophy once before.
Crusifer didn’t go to work today. He’s at his computer watching porn right now. Though we had sex last night we had to stop because it started hurting a lot more than it ought no matter the amount of lubrication I added, so he never was satisfied. Afterwards we of course argued. I cried. He slept. About the time I was almost dozing off a bunch of racket started downstairs; Banging, yelling, raised voices, bursts of loud cackling laughter, cursing, angry voices, more banging, more yelling, shrieking. This was at four-thirty in the morning.
I knew they were getting up at four to leave at five, so you know, I’d expect a little noise. But come on, do we need to bring the house down? So I called my mom’s cell phone. No answer. I called the house phone, which seemed to bring a whole lot more noise, not sure if that was coincidence or not. Then I called the cell phone again. My Dad answered. Not the person I wanted to answer.
“What?” He says, accusingly.
“What’s all the noise? I’m hearing cursing, yelling and banging.”
Very loudly he answers, and I don’t recall what he said. I could hear him not just through the phone but through the floor which is disconcerting. He passed the phone off to my mom, meanwhile I can hear my dad both through the phone and through the phone banging on the walls yelling, “she’s complaining that I’m cursing, yelling and banging!” He repeats this over and over again.
Mom says, “Did he wake you up? I thought I heard you guys moving around, wasn’t sure if he had woken you up or if you were already awake.”
I think I answered something not exactly explaining that I wasn’t asleep yet but trying to be. I said something vague.
Mom says, “He’s drunk. He wanted to make sure we’d be up so he was making a lot of noise.”
“You’re up now, so why all the noise still?”
Meanwhile I can still hear him through the phone and the floor continuing to yell just to spite me now.
“I’ll try to shut him up,” Mom says. We hang up. I hear her yell over my Dad something about how he wouldn’t like it if I woke him up either. The noise doesn’t stop. I go downstairs and close the kitchen door, and my door (left open to let heat rise) and then turn on my fan facing away from the bed as high as it will go. It muffles most of the noise, but then a short while later I hear “ice cold! Ice cold!”
I roll over, pull the blanket over my head and try to shove Crusifer over who is in a drunken sleep himself. I think about how being drunk is retarded and how men and their drinking are a bane to all of society. I might have cried again, I forget. Eventually it goes quiet and I sleep.
Ten o’clock in the morning, after I’ve barely made five hours of sleep, if that, Crusifer attempts to wake me up to talk to him. When he finally has me fully awake, he abandons me. I get angry. I cry, and fall back asleep. When I wake up again it two in the afternoon and he’s long-since gone. I can’t think of any responsibilities for the day and go back to sleep. At the time I remembered my dreams, but I don’t now of course. Interestingly, Crusifer has stopped trying to remember his.
I wake to the sound of pants-chains coming up the stairs. No one else wears pants with chains so I identify it as Crusifer. It’s about four o’clock and I’m surprised I’ve slept so late. Crusifer tells me about how he hasn’t been feeling himself lately, how he feels empty. I guess we’re both falling out of love. It’s hard to do anything about it really. It takes everything in me not to be bitter, to be forgiving, to not argue all the time. That is, it’s hard not to be that way if I talk at all. It’s easier to just avoid everything and just do whatever and not include him.
It never was this bad between us before. I have little hope of redeeming anything between us now... Out of curiosity I read the entry I wrote one year ago on this same date. Mom and I had just played Civilization the card game for the first time on the 14th. I was nearly done with my board game, except that I didn’t know yet that the resolution was too low and that everything I’d done was unusable.
I hadn’t given up on my old novel yet, and said that it was simply on “pause.” I was content then. Despite Crusifer getting home at least an hour late almost every night, I was content. I had just made the floral arrangement for my mother’s living room mirror. I was very proud of that and very in the spirit of the holidays. This year... I have little spirit in me for much of anything. I’m making all the moves, but I don’t feel... I don’t feel much.
I feel anger towards Crusifer and my father. I feel betrayal from men. I feel empty when I’m not doing anything. I feel delight while I’m making progress on Nanowrimo. Ah, I feel alive while I’m writing my Nonowrimo Novel. I have to thank Matt sincerely for bringing it up to me. It’s honestly the only thing holding me together right now; the 50,000 word goal, the determination to make it the best thing I’ve ever written...
I was excited that I was using Crusifer’s art on the cards. Now I’m trying to avoid using too much of his art in case... You know. It’s depressing, but even that doesn’t really affect me the way I know that it should. He’s touching me now. It feels good, I can still feel the warmth, I can still feel good about it... But I can’t say it’s the same. And now knowing that he feels that way too. What am I to do? I think we could both benefit from Mort’s advice... We should listen to the CDs together...
I’m afraid of trying and failing again. Maybe that’s what he’s afraid of too. Ah, he’s kissing my back, not so sleep.
I like looking at where I was a year ago and such... It’s interesting. I think I’ll see what I wrote two years ago now... Two years ago on the 14th (there was no entry for the 15th) I was just starting to miss Tre after breaking up with him. I remarked on how I missed him doing the chicken noodle soup dance. That was just before I met Crusifer in the first place...
Oh shit, reading the entry from the 16th... Today is our two year anniversary of the day we met. Ah, just like Mort says, love wears off after two years if you don’t make new love. And we have not been making new love at all. It’s hard to bother when he goes and gets drunk and shit... Who would have thought? I think it would help us a lot if Crusifer would read everything I’ve written throughout our relationship.
2008-11-16 21:08:32 tater
#1: Your dad is such an ass (at least from your description of his behavior in this entry)..sorry you have to live with someone like that! #2: I'm SO GLAD you are making such progress on your writing for NanoWriMo...It gives a huge sense of accomplishment and writing THAT much just feels good...I remember feeling on top of the world when I had completed my writing goal (and I finished early to top everything off!)


2008-11-17 07:21:05 Phoenix - pitifulbarbie@aol.com
My Dad didn't used to be like this. I have no idea what's gotten into him. It's been getting worse and worse for years now. I'm avoiding talking to him at all costs right about now.

Sunday, November, 16th 2008 at 11:43pm

“Fuck you; don’t talk to me.” Those are the most recent words said in this room. And not by me. I’m so sick of him getting angry with me for not doing anything wrong. I’ll misunderstand what he’s trying to get at, argue against what he’s saying, and then he’ll get angry and not talk to me all day because I was “trying to play him” and then claims he didn’t mean what I thought he meant in the first place, but then remains angry with me.
He’s always used the word “nigga” a lot, which isn’t a problem for me. His grammar isn’t always perfect, but I never really minded that either. He’s capable of having an intelligent conversation, so why should I care? But lately... He’s cursing more than ever before. I don’t mind a few curse words here and there, no big deal. But just now, listening to the words he used when he talked to me.
“Niggas aint know me. Niggas don’t know nuttin about me. I aint even say nuttin about dat shit.”
He never used to talk like that. I pointed this out to him, but it just makes him angrier. It’s a good thing I’ve already pretty much given up. I’m not in tears. I’m not stalking out of the house. I’m not compromising my opinions just to end the argument. I’m not going to mend this problem by sitting here and telling him that he’s right to be pissed off at me. I’m going to pretend it’s okay for him to talk to me like that.
In a nut shell, it’s already over, and has been since I found out I was pregnant. No, since I thought I was ‘sick’ and he wouldn’t take care of me. I hobbled around on my own, dizzy, nauseous, with a headache, blacking out... I took care of myself in that condition for over two weeks. I was constantly tired. I felt like shit. And did I get any support from him? Then he bitched almost the entire time in the waiting room for the abortion. It helped remind me of why I was getting the abortion, but didn’t make me feel better.
I’m the one who had to have three needles stuck in me. I’m the one who had a growing ball of cells yanked out from inside of me. I’m the one who was sick for nearly two full months. I’m the one whose been bleeding for an entire month afterwards. I’m the one who couldn’t take a bath because of this nonsense. I was the one alone and crying. What right does he have to be angry with me?
For trying to help him? For telling him my opinions? For caring about his well-being?
I’m so fed up with this shit. Not even angry-fed-up. Just tired. I wish he still worked until eleven. I wish I didn’t have to go pick him up. I wish he worked on Thursdays as well. I hardly enjoy his company at all anymore. Sure, once a week or less we have a decent night together, but...
I never thought... A year ago I still believed we were going to be married by now. I believed that. I was planning on that. I wanted it.
I wish I was in college.
I don’t have words for the disappointment I feel. The world is a big let down. At the end of the day you can only rely on yourself. I hate facing that.
I have not written at all today. It’s a good thing I got ahead yesterday, because I would be behind now. It’s hard to... do anything at the moment...
It would have been a perfectly fine day if Crusifer didn’t get all pissy about stuff I don’t even want to bother documenting. Short version: Celtic dancing looks kinda funny when done by guys. Crusifer attempted to make a joke about it. I laughed. Then he added something about masculinity. This was in the car to Robert’s house with Roy and Michelle and my mom also in the car. Mom disagreed with Crusifer’s statement. Crusifer said something else that no one can agree on. Roy made a serious face and said he used to do Irish dancing. Crusifer laughs. Other remarks are made. I offhand mention to Crusifer only that he needs to get a different job. He hasn’t be kind to me since. (This was around five-thirty.)
Airelle and Michele (Roy’s children, both of different mothers) played Risk with Roy and Robert (my half-brothers on my mom’s side) Mom and I. Robert got squashed between Michele, Mom and Roy and was the first one out. Airelle and Michele and mom battled for America. Meanwhile, I took the poorly defended Africa and Australia for myself where Mom, Airelle, Robert and Michele all had poor defenses.
Once I had Australia and Africa, Mom had South America, Robert was out, Roy had Europe and Michele, Airelle and Mom were all spread out over Asia, and North America. Roy decides to attack Egypt from Europe. He loses a ton of troops, bringing both territories down to one guy each. He had out-numbered me but the dice had out-lucked him. So, I attacked back. A few turns later I brought him down to four men. Mom and Michele exchanged blows, Airelle took out most of my Mom’s troops. If we’d actually battled it out from there it would have left the youngins at the table. Roy would have been out with one more turn, and Mom with perhaps two or three more turns. I was declared the winner.
I had fun. It’s always fun to win of course, unless you win by pure chance, but I had carefully left everyone main forces alone and only taken territories that were practically abandoned. Roy accused everyone of letting me win, but I believe I won a partly diplomatic victory because of the territories I chose to attack. He attacked my main forces, so I bit back. I love board games.

Monday, November, 17th 2008 at 2:21am
Crusifer is asleep now. I’m not feeling to great about anything right now. I hope I spend tomorrow writing and feeling good.
I wish I wasn’t wide awake. Since they woke me up at 5am (they being my Dad, Mom and Brother who is in from out of town for a week) because well, my father was drunk, and Mom & Roy needed to get up to go to Albany for the arm-wresting tournament... I have not been on schedule. Crusifer woke me up at 10am the next morning, and then I ended up sleeping in until 4pm when Crusifer came back from work and announced that he wasn’t going to work because of how he felt...
Why did he feel so bad he couldn’t work? Because of the state of our relationship. And so what did we do? We talked. We “made up” in some small way. We laid down and listened to Mort Fertel for a bit. We went to sleep together feeling good. I sleep in again, until two or three today... Now it’s two-thirty in the morning and I’m wide awake. Surprise, surprise.
By the way, I’m being eaten alive by bed bugs and flees both. I found two dead ‘bed bugs’ at the foot of my bed about two weeks ago, and one crawling in the bathroom and another on my new kitchen’s sink. I killed those of course. We’ve had the flees for months now. Both Mary’s kitten and Serena had them. Mary and her kitten moved out, but the flees did not, despite putting treatments on Serena and kitten both.
One thing I don’t understand is why both are only eating me. It’s just another thing that I have to deal with that Crusifer doesn’t. Another ‘bodily’ problem that I have that no one understands because they’ve never been through it. We’re sleeping in the same goddamned bed and I have so many bites I look like I have chicken pocks, meanwhile he has zero. Not a single bite on him.
My parents don’t have them either. It’s just me. I’ve tried washing more, with more soap, but that didn’t help. I tried weird lotions, and that didn’t help. I’ve tried changing all the sheet covers and such all at once and taking a bath all in one day, and that didn’t help. Can anybody say bug bombs? Now can anyone respond with ‘broke’? Fantastic.

Tuesday, November, 18th 2008 at 12:13pm

“zhfzhsfgrharzfjuht,” Crusifer typed on my document. He said “you’d best wake up and press control z” he told me. He also set down a cup of steaming tea beside me. Then he turned on the bedside light and started talking to me and kissing me. Ah, I love to be waken up in the morning. So much easier than getting up myself.
First snow last night. I’m excited about that. I sip my tea as I’m writing this. I just got off the phone with Ashley, and Matt moments before that. I’m hoping we’ll go back to the beach today. It would be cool to see the beach with snow on it. I’ve never done that before.
In the two hours before we talk again and see if everyone is ready or not, I’ll be trying to get as much work done as possible. I hope to move my desk downstairs to use for crafts, and to get rid of the rug Mary put down in her bedroom of two years, my childhood bedroom of fourteen years. Roy is supposed to help we these things. I also hope to pull out the dresser my mom made me that I have not used since before the fire. It’s been in storage one way or another ever since then, and right now it’s kinda buried under a bunch of construction stuff next to the soon-to-be office in ‘the back.’
Sips tea some more.
I feel really good this morning, despite getting to sleep again at five o’clock in the morning. Today just has the feeling of a good day written all over it. Ah, I love being woken up. So much easier than convincing my sleeping mind that I should wake. The conscious me has to fight with my sleeping self, and the sleeping self invariably wins.
Finishes tea.
Well, I should get started. Roy and Mom shall be back in about an hour, and then we’ll work for an hour to two hours, and in two hours to three hours from now hopefully Ashley will drive Matt, Chris and I out to the beach again. That would be awesome.

Tuesday, November, 18th 2008 at 12:56pm

I just ate some cold chicken left over from last night. I need the protein right now since I’m trying to build muscle. I can’t go down to the floor and up again with good push-up stance at all, but I can get about a third of the way to the floor and back up again with a straight back twelve times now before I drop to my knees and do eight to ten of those. Two weeks ago I could only do two.
I’ve carried all but two of the desk drawers downstairs and cleared off all the wood and drywall from the top of sides of the dresser. It’ll be a bitch to carry that thing out of there though. It’s a narrow path to my room because of all the storage. I’m hoping we can just lift it over a few things, because if not I’ll have to do a hell of a lot of rearranging.
Also, I cleared off a bunch of things from the floor in my old bedroom, soon-to-be craft room to ease getting the carpet up as well. And took the trash down. And put Mary-Kay anti-aging face lotion on my face. Now I’m a little bit tired. Not really tired, tired, but you know, just a little in-need of a sit for a bit. I’m thinking of trying to add to my novel word-count for a while. Until Roy and Mom get back.
The only problem is, if they’re late, and Matt and Ashley and Chris really are ready at two-thirty, then I won’t be here to make sure things get done, or to make sure they get done right. It’s not even fair for me to leave the task to him while I go out and ‘play’ really. Even though I’ve already done most of the work I need to do for these tasks. What’s left is ‘man work’ as my mom might call it.
Speaking of man work, and working all day and such. Crusifer said to me last night, “god forbid you have to pick me up after a long day’s work” in response to an exasperated comment about having to wait for him for ten minutes after I got there. Funny thing about that is that he didn’t do any tattoos yesterday at all. He played video games all day at work because there is little business at this time of year.

Wednesday, November, 19th 2008 at 7:33pm

To anybody who is...
...drinking soda, buying food in bulk, driving drunk or tipsy, smoking weed more than once in a month, drinking alcohol more than once in a month, going out to a social event where the main attraction is to hook up more than once a week, not currently working on a hobby, hasn’t gone to college but could afford to, has over one-hundred pounds of fat added to the weight they should be, not recycling their trash at least on occasion, smoking cigarets, not exercising at least once a week, not outside at least once a week, ‘depressed’ just for the sake of trying to get attention, generally spending over fifty dollars a week on clothing, watching more TV than they are socializing with people that love them, not reading a book at least once in three months, not learning something new that isn’t gossip at least three times a week...
Stop. Being. A. Sheep.
Do you know what I mean when I say sheep? What do sheep do? They get herded in by a shepard. They get picked off by wolves. They cut their fur cut off. They get slaughtered and eaten. They do all of this without more than a “bah” of protest. Those are sheep.
Do you know who you are? Do you know what you do? You get herded in by the government. You get picked off by drugs, malnutrition, stress and ignorance. You give your taxes but don’t work to make sure they go where they should. You don’t vote. You get pushed from one job to another, from one relationship to another, a pushover who complains and pleads helpless. You’re a sheep.
That’s all I’d like to say. Just stop being a sheep.

Ashley (takemychains),
You’ll still have to read the entries for the full story of course, but the main reason for the abortion was that I wasn’t about to make a father out of a man who isn’t behaving like a husband much less a father. He’s barely being a decent boyfriend, and often, not even that.

Tater,
It’s a good question. If he hit me at this point I’d definitely opt out right away. At this point it’s more a matter of ‘if things don’t improve in the next couple months then we’re through.’ I’m giving him his last grace to change and at the same time preparing myself for the separation. Reminding myself that it’s not going to last. Crying my last tears for him, as few as they are already. Putting away objects that remind me of us. And so forth.
Fifi,
We don’t have carpets anywhere in my apartment, and the vacuum is broken, however, perhaps I should be sure to mop more often and change the sheets more often. That very well could be it. I need more bed sheets... Thanks for the advice. :)













Thursday, November, 20th 2008 at 10:57pm

It’s so difficult to hold it together. I’m so frazzled over Crusifer. I still want it to work, and I don’t know what my days would be like without him. Thinking about waking up without him, or waking up beside someone else doesn’t make me feel good at all. The only problem is that waking up beside him has become tedious a good half the time... We started arguing this morning about almost nothing. It was my fault, kinda. It’s that it’s hard not to let my bitterness seep through everything I do and say. I’m really trying to put one good last valiant effort into our relationship but I feel as dead as the baby that the doctors pulled out of me.
He wasn’t there for me. And I can’t help but hold it against him. True, he was almost there for me that day, but that’s about it. He’s making small efforts here and there, and as a person in general I think he is growing and coming to realizations. At this point it might very well be me holding our relationship back. I don’t even try because I’m so scared of being let down again.
He’s been gone since five o’clock... Six hours now. Hasn’t called me. I called once, and someone answered, and I heard someone, a female I think, say something in the background, and then he hung up. He’s supposed to be with his parents and brother right now... The woman didn’t really sound like his mom, but it could have easily have been a cousin or aunt. I don’t think he’s cheating. And if he was... I’m not sure how much worse it would really make anything.
I’m already second to his job... If I was second to another woman then I could probably just hate him and be done with this shit. I don’t even know what to say... Nothing in particular happened today that has me so down. It’s just... Life. Driving. Food. People. Love. Wants. Needs. Goals. Just everything. I feel like there is a weight on my chest, just pushing, pushing...
I might as well sleep. The internet is out. I can’t seem to muster up any desire to play a video game. I didn’t complete Caesar IV or Colonization. I’m just bad at sticking with anything but a man. I’m just bad in general. For all that I have ‘going for me’ talent-wise, I sure don’t have much going for me life-wise.
I wish I was in college. I wish I had two close friends I could go see at almost any time. I wish I had a man who cared about me too deeply to ever leave me crying, to ever want me to get an abortion, to ever say something to me in a harsh way... I wish my father wasn’t a dick head. Time will tell...

Thursday, November, 20th 2008 at 10:57pm
Tater,
I never considered the spices or baking goods, and even then, rarely do people need to buy those in bulk. I mostly was referring to people who buy huge bags of chips, or giant blocks of cheese and other such things. Either they waste most of it, or they're not healthy. It's rare that they have enough people in the house to really be spreading it over enough people to make it a wise and healthy choice. The other problem with buying in bulk in general is the bulk foods tend to be unhealthy in general (like I said, I wasn't thinking of spices) and when you have a ton of unhealthy food in your kitchen, then you're likely to eat even more of it than you would had you bought something else. That's what I was thinking about when I wrote that.

Tobi,
You didn’t say which of the three things on my list applied to you, therefor I cannot argue if you are or are not a sheep. I can say that Tater is not a sheep. Pretty much anybody who has backpacked around Europe, especially if they live in America, is not a sheep.

I’m not thrilled. I’ve decided I really don’t like the game risk. It’s literally half luck. Strategy in risk: where you place your guys, how many you place, where you choose to attack, how many times you choose to attack. Luck is risk: your starting locations, if you win or lose a battle, how often you get major reinforcements based on cards you draw. You see the flaw in this? And playing the game actually mostly consists of rolling the die. It’s gambling. I detest gambling.
I tried to call Crusifer again and didn’t get an answer. I really kinda hate him right now. Yes, he took out the thrash without being asked... He brought me tea in the morning. He spent a little bit of time giving me affection. But he hasn’t called. But he’s been gone all day. But we still have not resolved any of our problems. But he hasn’t done any of the things he promised to do. He did however admit to being a dickhead about promising to quit drinking over and over and not doing it. I’m amazed he admitted that really.
Amazed enough that I didn’t respond with, “naw, ya think?”
I’m ringing his phone again now. I see that he answered every text message he got this morning, despite the fact that we were talking. I’m going to call one more time just for shits and giggles. Then... I have no idea. Read? I’m reading a half-way decent book called ‘Species Imperative’ or something like that. No answer. He’s so... So... Argh!
So I’m signing on to AIM. And um... Freezing my fingers by being stubborn and typing some more. I wish I wasn’t so hungry. I suppose there is that apple to eat...