Life is a lesson... I'll learn when I'm through.

The Art of Happiness

2009-01-21T17:19:00.001-08:00

Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 1:50am

Random note on my current situation: My boyfriend had to work late again tonight. He’s probably not working anymore though, he’s likely smoking a blunt at Frankie’s house and playing Call of Duty. I don’t think he’s really made any real attempt to cut back on the weed yet, though he’s claimed to. It would likely take himself twice as long to wean himself from the weed as it has the alcohol; and that was two years. I’m not going to wait another four for him to come to his senses, that’s for sure.
Side note: My boyfriend just got home at 2:30am and he smells like garbage, weed and other assorted smells that clash. He seems to be a bit disoriented.

Subject of the entry: Something that stuck me in “The Art of Happiness” that I just read was; one of the main causes of suffering is “resistence to change.” I guess that’s what’s going on here in my life. I need change, but I fear it. I’m afraid of regret; which is another topic in the chapter I just read.
Yet again, I recommend this book to anyone. It’s premise:
"Over time I became convinced that the Dalai Lama had learned how to live with a sense of fulfillment and a degree of serenity that I had never seen in other people. ...Although he is a Buddhist monk with a lifetime of Buddhist training and study, I began to wonder if one could identify a set of his beliefs or practices that could be utilized by non-Buddhists as well – practices that could be directly applied to our lives to simply help us to become happier, strong, perhaps less afraid." [pages 3-4]
"When I initially conceived of this book, I envisioned a conventional self-help format in which the Dalai Lama would present clear and simple solutions to all life's problems. ...By the end of our series of meetings I had given up on that idea. I found that his approach encompassed a much broader and more complex paradigm." [pages 7-8]
"Underlying all the Dalai Lama's methods there is a set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: a belief in the fundamental gentleness and goodness of all human beings, a belief in the value of compassion, a belief in a policy of kindness, and a sense of commonality among all living creatures." [page 8]
I find, that thus far in the book, I have yet to disagree. It’s simply packed with simply put wisdom. I’d like to have a shortened version of the book to refer to on a regular basis, so hence the following notes:

::The Purpose of Life::

*We have the right to happiness, and this is the goal in life.
* External events affect short-term happiness, but then happiness levels return to a baseline
* Feelings of happiness are generally how we perceive our situation; how satisfied we are with what we have
* Our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare
* Use inner contentment to fight greed
* Pleasure (i.e. sex), which may provide a temporary sense of happiness is not sustainable

Training the Mind for Happiness:
Since the source of happiness is mental, the most effective way to seek happiness is by training our minds in the ways of happiness. This is a gradual, lifelong process. "The practice of Dharma is a constant battle within, replacing previous negative conditioning or habituation with new positive conditioning. ... Through training we can change; we can transform ourselves." [page 43]
Reclaiming our Innate State of Happiness: "I believe that every one of us has the basis to be happy, to access the warm and compassionate states of mind that bring happiness: In fact it is one of my fundamental beliefs that not only do we inherently possess the potential for compassion, but I believe that the basic or underlying nature of human beings is gentleness." [page 52]

* Once basic human needs are met, no other worldly items are needed to achieve complete happiness
* Negative emotions and behaviors are harmful, whereas positive ones are helpful in achieving happiness
* Motivate yourself for each day and try to assess progress each day before going to bed
* The proper utilization of our intelligence and knowledge is to effect changes from within to develop a good heart

::Human Warmth and Compassion::

* Empathizing with people’s suffering is a good exercise
* When meeting someone new, think of what you have in common

A New Model of Intimacy:
The Dalai Lama bases his relationships not on the specifics of people's personalities, but on the general aspects of the human condition: All people want to be happy and escape suffering. By developing compassion for the human condition, a person can relate to anyone and need never be lonely or lack for companionship.
Deepening our Connection to Others:
Relationships based on compassion (on desiring that all people be happy and escape suffering) are based on unchanging aspects of the human condition, and so are more stable than relationships based on status, common interests, wealth, sex, or romance.
The Value and Benefits of Compassion:
Developing the ability to view all people with compassion is a key component of having healthy, stable relationships with others and being happy.

::Transforming Suffering::

* No one is without suffering – it is natural and normal
* Face problems head on – don’t push them aside
* One can be prepared by familiarizing oneself with the types of suffering that can occur to people

Facing Suffering:
Though specific pains and misfortunes are avoidable, pain and misfortune in general are not. A healthy outlook is not to be surprised when pain and misfortune occur. We transform misfortune into suffering by our mental reactions. Learning to tolerate misfortune is the first step on the path towards liberation from suffering.

* In large part, whether you suffer depends on how you respond to a given situation. Dwelling on a painful event, guilt or regret magnifies the suffering
* Don’t personalize pain – it happens to everyone
* Accept the changes that are inevitable in life (i.e. people get older and changes are associated with that).

Self-Created Suffering:
-Replaying painful or humiliating scenes in our minds, stoking up our negative feelings.
-Refusing to recognize the impermanence of things.
-Resistence to change.

Shifting Perspective:
*Nothing and no one is bad from every possible perspective.
*Look for where you yourself are at fault whenever thinking about where others are at fault.
* There is a tendency of seeing someone who has wronged you as 100% bad.
*Try to think of the positive qualities of people who you feel wronged by
* Hatred can be the biggest stumbling block to developing compassion and happiness.
* Enemies can be great teachers; they can serve as practice for developing patience and tolerance.

Finding Meaning in Pain and Suffering:
Pain and suffering are easier to endure if we find meaning in them. Our own suffering gives us empathy with the suffering of others and increases our compassion. It also motivates us to progress on the path of liberation.

::Overcoming Obstacles::

Bringing About Change:
The Dalai Lama describes a five step process for changing oneself: Learning, conviction, determination, action, and effort. It is possible to train yourself to habitually respond to the world with positive mental states rather than negative ones, but it is a long, gradual process.

* Remind yourself of the destructive effects of negative behavior.
* Challenge yourself to combat anger and hatred.
* Patience and tolerance are antidotes to anger and hatred.
* During depression, collect evidence that contradicts the negative emotions (i.e. I’m not a failure because I’ve done XYZ and that makes me not a failure).

Dealing With Anger and Hatred:
* Anger and hatred are our biggest enemies
* When anger and hatred come about, analyze the cause of them and combat them with cultivation of patience and tolerance

Dealing With Anxiety and Building Self-Esteem:
*Cultivating sincere motivation decreases anxiety.
*Honesty and compassion are antidotes to self-hatred, and build a healthy form of self-esteem.
*Cognitive intervention – this is done the same way as with anger and hatred: replace anxiety causing thoughts with well-reasoned positive thoughts and attitudes.
*If there is no solution to a given problem, there is no sense in worrying about it.
*The closer one gets to being motivated by altruism, the more fearless one becomes in the face of even extremely anxiety-provoking circumstances.

::Quotes::

“In generating compassion, you start by recognizing that you do not want suffering and that you have a right to have happiness. This can be verified or validated by your own experience. You then recognize that other people, just like yourself, also do not want to suffer and that they have a right to have happiness. So this becomes the basis of your beginning to generate compassion.
“So…let us mediate on compassion today. Begin by visualizing a person who is acutely suffering, someone who is in pain or is in a very unfortunate situation. For the first three minutes of the meditation, reflect on that individual’s suffering in a more analytic way—think about their intense suffering and the unfortunate state of that person’s existence. After thinking about that person’s suffering for a few minutes, next, try to relate that to yourself, thinking, ‘that individual has the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy, happiness, and suffering that I do.’ Then, try to allow your natural response to arise—a natural feeling of compassion towards that person. Try to arrive at a conclusion: thinking how strongly you wish for that person to be free from that suffering. And resolve that you will help that person to be relieved from their suffering. Finally, place your mind single-pointedly on that kind of conclusion or resolution, and for the last few minutes of the meditation try to simply generate your mind in a compassionate or loving state.”

"But then there's another level of spirituality. That is what I call basic spirituality – basic human qualitites of goodness, kindness, compassion, caring. Whether we are believers or non believers, this kind of spirituality is essential. I personally consider this second level of spirituality to be more important than the first." [page 307]

"The idea that everyone should be a Buddhist is quite extreme. And that kind of extreme thinking just causes problems. ... Now, when confronted with another religion, initially a positive feeling, a comfortable feeling will arise. We'll feel if that person finds a different tradition more suitable, more effective, then that's good!" [page 197]

“This afternoon, let us meditate on the practice of Tong-Len, ‘Giving and Receiving.’ This practice is meant to help train the mind, to strengthen the natural power and force of compassion. This is achieved because Tong-Len meditation helps counteract our selfishness. It increases the power and strength of our mind by enhancing our courage to open ourselves to others’ suffering.
“To begin this exercise, first visualize on one side of you a group of people who are in desperate need of help, those who are in an unfortunate state of suffering, those living under conditions of poverty, hardship and pain. Visualize this group of people on one side of you clearly in your mind. Then, on the other side, visualize yourself as the embodiment of a self-centered person, with a customary selfish attitude, indifferent to the well-being and needs of others. And then in between this suffering group of people and this selfish representation of you see yourself in the middle, as a neutral observer.
“Next, notice which side you are naturally inclined towards. Are you more inclined towards that single individual, the embodiment of selfishness? Or do your natural feelings of empathy reach out to the group of weaker people who are in need? If you look objectively, you can see that the well-being of a group or large number of individuals is more important than that of one single individual.
“After that, focus your attention on the needy and desperate people. Direct all your positive energy to them. Mentally give them your successes, your resources, your collection of virtues. And after you have done that, visualize taking upon yourself their suffering, their problems, and all their negativities.
“For example, you can visualize an innocent starving child from Somalia and feel how you would respond naturally towards that sight. In this instance, when you experience a deep feeling of empathy towards the suffering of that individual, it isn’t based on considerations like ‘He’s my relative’ or ‘She’s my friend.’ You don’t even know that person. But the fact that the other person is a human being and you, yourself, are a human being allows your natural capacity for empathy to emerge and enable you to reach out. So you can visualize something like that and think, ‘This child has no capacity of his or her own to be able to relieve himself or herself from his or her present state of difficulty or hardship.’ Then, mentally take upon yourself all the suffering of poverty, starvation, and the feeling of deprivation, and mentally give your facilities, wealth, and success to this child. So, through practicing this kind of ‘giving-and-receiving’ visualization, you can train your mind.
“When engaging in this practice it is sometimes helpful to being by first imagining your own future suffering and, with an attitude of compassion, take your own future suffering upon yourself right now, with the sincere wish of freeing yourself from all future suffering. After you gain some practice in generating a compassionate state of mind towards yourself, you can then expand the process to include taking on the suffering of others.
“When you do the visualization of ‘taking upon yourself,’ it is useful to visualize these sufferings, problems, and difficulties in the form of poisonous substances, dangerous weapons, or terrifying animals—things the very sight of which normally makes you shudder. So, visualize the suffering in these forms, and then absorb them directly into your heart.
“The purpose of visualizing these negative and frightening forms being dissolved into our hearts is to destroy our habitual selfish attitudes that reside there. However, for those individuals who may have problems with self-image, self-hatred, anger towards themselves, or low self-esteem, then it is important to judge for themselves whether this particular practice is appropriate or not. It may not be.
“This Tong-Len practice can become quite powerful if you combine the ‘giving and receiving’ with the breath; that is, imagine ‘receiving’ when inhaling and ‘giving’ when exhaling. When you do this visualization effectively, it will make you feel some slight discomfort. This is an indication that it is hitting its target—the self-centered, egocentric attitude that we normally have. Now, let us meditate.”

“Let us imagine a scenario in which someone who you know very well, someone who is close or dear to you, is in a situation in which he or she loses his or her temper. You can imagine this occurring either in a very acrimonious relationship or in a situation in which something personally upsetting is happening. The person is so angry that he or she has lost all his or her mental composure, creating very negative vibrations, even going to the extent of beating himself or herself up or breaking things.
“Then, reflect upon the immediate effects of the person’s rage. You’ll see a physical transformation happening to that person. This person whom you feel close to, whom you like, the very sight of whom gave you pleasure in the past, now turns into this ugly person, even physically speaking. The reason why I think you should visualize this happening to someone else is because it is easier to see the faults of others than to see your own faults. So, using your imagination, do this meditation and visualization for a few minutes.
“At the end of that visualization, analyze the situation and relate the circumstances to your own experience. See that you yourself have been in this state many times. Resolve that ‘I shall never let myself fall under the sway of such intense anger and hatred, because if I do that, I will be in the same position. I will also suffer all these consequences, lose my peace of mind, lose my composure, assume this ugly physical appearance,’ and so on. So once you make that decision, then for the last few minutes of the meditation focus your mind on that conclusion; without further analysis, simply let your mind remain on your resolution not to fall under the influence of anger and hatred.”

“Let us do another meditation using visualization. Begin by visualizing someone whom you dislike, someone who annoys you, causes a lot of problems for you, or gets on your nerves. Then, imagine a scenario in which the person irritates you, or does something that offends you or annoys you. And, in your imagination, when you visualize this, let your natural response follow; just let it flow naturally. Then see how you feel, see whether that causes the rate of your heartbeat to go up, and so on. Examine whether you are comfortable or uncomfortable; see if you immediately become more peaceful or if you develop an uncomfortable mental feeling. Judge for yourself; investigate. So for a few minutes, three or four minutes perhaps, judge, and experiment. And then at the end of your investigation, if you discover that ‘Yes, it is of no use to allow that irritation to develop. Immediately I lose my peace of mind,’ then say to yourself, ‘In the future, I will never do that.’ Develop that determination. Finally for the last few minutes of the exercise, place your mind single-pointedly upon that conclusion or determination. So that’s the meditation.”

“The purpose of this exercise is to begin to recognize and get a feel for the nature of our mind, at least on a conventional level. Generally, when we refer to our ‘mind,’ we are talking about an abstract concept. Without having a direct experience of our mind, for example, if we are asked to identify the mind, we may be compelled to merely point to the brain. Or, if we are asked to define the mind, we may say it is something that has the capacity to ‘know,’ something that is ‘clear’ and ‘cognitive.’ But without having directly grasped the mind through meditative practices, these definitions are just words. It’s important to be able to identify the mind through direct experience, not just as an abstract concept. So the purpose of this exercise is to be able to directly feel or grasp the conventional nature of the mind, so when you say the mind has qualities of ‘clarity’ and ‘cognition,’ you will be able to identify it through experience, not just as an abstract concept.

“This exercise helps you to deliberately stop the discursive thoughts and gradually remain in that state for a longer and longer duration. As you practice this exercise, eventually you will get to a feeling as if there is nothing there, a sense of vacuity. But if you go farther, you eventually begin to recognize the underlying nature of the mind, the qualities of ‘clarity’ and ‘knowing.’ It is similar to having a pure crystal glass of water. If the water is pure, you can see the bottom of the glass, but you still recognize that the water is there.
“So, today, let us meditate on nonconceptuality. This is not a mere state of dullness, or a blanked-out state of mind. Rather, what you should do is, first of all, generate the determination that ‘I will maintain a state without conceptual thoughts.’ The way in which you should do this is this:
“Generally speaking, our mind is predominantly directed towards external objects. Our attention follows after the sense experiences. It remains at a predominantly sensory and conceptual level. In other words, normally our awareness is directed towards physical sensory experiences and mental concepts. But in this exercise, what you should do is to withdraw your mind inward; don’t let it chase after or pay attention to sensory objects. At the same time, don’t allow it to be so totally withdrawn that there is a kind of dullness or lack of mindfulness. You should maintain a very full state of alertness and mindfulness, and then try to see the natural state of your consciousness—a state in which your consciousness is not afflicted by thoughts of the past, the things that have happened, your memories and remembrances; nor is it afflicted by thoughts of the future, like your future plans, anticipations, fears, and hopes. But rather, try to remain in a natural and neutral state.
“This is a bit like a river that is flowing quite strongly, in which you cannot see the riverbed very clearly. If, however, there was some way you could stop the flow in both directions, from where the water is coming and to where the water is flowing, then you could keep the water still. That would allow you to see the base of the river quite clearly. Similarly, when you are able to stop your mind from chasing sensory objects and thinking about the past and future and so on, and when you can free your mind from being totally ‘blanked out’ as well, then you will begin to see underneath this turbulence of the thought processes. There is an underlying stillness, an underlying clarity of the mind. You should try to observe or experience this…
“This can be very difficult at the initial stage, so let us begin to practice from this very session. At the initial state, when you begin to experience this underlying natural state of consciousness, you might experience it in the form of some sort of ‘absence.’ This is happening because we are so habituated to understanding our mind in terms of external objects; we tend to look at the world through our concepts, images, and so on. So when you withdraw your mind from external objects, it’s almost as if you can’t recognize your mind. There’s a kind of absence, a kind of vacuity. However, as you slowly progress and get used to it, you begin to notice an underlying clarity, a luminosity. That’s when you begin to appreciate and realize the natural state of the mind.
“Many of the truly profound meditative experiences must come on the basis of this kind of stillness of mind….Oh,” the Dalai Lama laughed, “I should warn that in this type of meditation, since there is no specific object to focus on, there is a danger of falling asleep.
“So, now let us meditate…
“To begin, first do three rounds of breathing, and focus your attention simply on the breath. Just be aware of inhaling, exhaling, and then inhaling, exhaling—three times. Then, start the meditation.”

Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 4:15am

Matt,
I was curled up, comfortable, and theoretically near sleep. The laptop was shut off. The lights are off. The resident male is asleep. And then, I had some thoughts too profound to be ignored.
A pillar and a bowl... I’ve been thinking about that concept long and hard. My pillar... You? My mom? Certainly not My Boyfriend. My bowl... My blog? My First Love? Certainly not My Boyfriend. More and more I realize that My Boyfriend’s mind-set is that this is an exchange of services, and I find the exchange of services themselves without the actual genuine intimacy aspect to be completely worthless. If we’re just trading services, than I’m a cheap whore.
I’ve finally come to a very difficult realization; and that is that everything that sex has to offer is only actually received if you can receive everything it has to offer without having it. To elaborate; sex is good for the body; it’s a healthy exercise. But, if the person you’re having sex with is not “good for you” mentally, then you’re going to go through enough stress to counteract the benefits of the exercise. Sex is a great metal release from stress. But, if the person you’re having it with causes you stress, again, it’s negated. And most importantly, sex is very temporary and in long-term it provides carnal benefits, not life-long fulfilling benefits (in and of itself, not counting children.)
At the exact same moment I had that realization, the impact of another hit me as well; I also realized why I’ve been experiencing difficulty with my hormones around you (at times, less so in recent encounters, but nonetheless, this is still a valid point): It brings to mind the quote I read recently; “The desire for intimacy is the desire to share one’s innermost self with another.” That’s half the reason, and I believe the other half is that my life is so lacking in genuine loving human contact that I feel desperate to claim you. I’ve felt as if I could just win you over, or if I could just claim you, and create some sort of false permanence.
Now, I understand that these concepts are completely ludicrous. It’s as you put it (in reference to kissing in particular); “Somehow that actually feels farther away. You know?” I didn’t then, but I do now.
In compilation with these thoughts, I consider recent events: My Boyfriend and I didn’t see each other all Sunday, hardly saw each other Saturday either, and then yesterday and today he came home at 2:30am very intoxicated. Both times he asked for sex, verbally, no less. Those are the only words he’s spoked to me in person for two days. The same phrase, “don’t you want to fuck me?” And my reply, “No.” How can I want to have sex with someone I have not seen since Friday?! And to top that off, if I recall correctly we had a dumb quarrel on Friday as well. I handled it well enough then, because things had been going fine then for a long time, but this time I understand the pattern, now I see the common factors.
My Boyfriend is looking for temporary pleasure; he revolves his life around it; weed, hanging out, video games and sex. Aside from that he works, does artistic things and tries to learn to program. No where in there does he try to find meaning in life, self-satisfaction, or does he go out of his way to learn anything that isn’t related to 3D-modeling or something along those lines. He doesn’t retain anything from our “meaningful” conversations because he has no personal opinions about anything that isn’t in the pre-specified categories. Externally, he seems very much like me, and yet internally we’re not anywhere near as alike as I thought.
Of course, on a universal level, we’re all trying to cope with the fact that life is full of suffering, and some of us are just doing better than others. My method has been to hitch on to one person and try to revolve my life around that one person. Is it possible for this to work? Sure, if you find another person willing to do the same thing for you who is available for at least half your waking hours, and all of your sleeping ones. Probable? Not really.
It’s all beginning to make sense now. Why I’ve been unhappy when I’ve been unhappy, and why I’ve been happy when I’ve been happy. Happiness is a direct result of compassion, intimacy and fulfillment, which are only gained through knowledge, discipline and a clam state of mind. Keeping those things in mind... It just opens up a new world.
In this new world of understanding I have also realized that the people who like me are the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The more intelligent, the more they like me. This makes sense in retrospect to what I just said about knowledge and compassion. The more intelligent the person, the more they recognize the possibility of gaining a “intimate” (in the completely non-traditional sense) relationship with me through my honesty, openness, directness, and compassion for others.
Starting with this positive self-image, I can work on my judgmental habits and my one-person habit...
And it all comes back to you because of the doors you opened up in my mind to even get me to this point. Concepts like, “how ever you took it is fine” and “social introversion” and “you were born, you already won,” and “we’re all completely subjective.”
It all comes back to you because you are the anomaly that proves so much that I believed completely wrong. For that, I’ve wanted to thank you, but instead I’ve tried in pitiful ways to be antagonizing. I’ve purposely tried to be hurtful because I wanted to believe you’d care enough to be hurt. I’ve been jealous, and so I’ve tried to claim you. I’ve been angry with my life, and so I’ve placed on you the expectation of fixing everything; after all, you claimed that’s what you wanted to do. I’ve tried to push your boundaries to their limit, betraying myself more than anyone else. In other words, I’ve handled this all wrong, and I know I don’t need to apologize to you, I just wanted you to know that I’m forgiving myself and moving forward; just like you would want me to.
I like talking to you; it makes me think about new things, and no one else ever does that. It’s depressing that no one is teaching me anything. As My First Love complained about Janet; “She’ll never say the phrase ‘I’ve recently learned...’.”
I want to spend more time out and doing things. I want to spend more time with you. I want to build pillars and carve bowls, and then to eat raspberries out of salty bowls while basking under a many-pillared gazebo on a misty day. And I want you to be there.
I see now that we can be closer now the way we are than if we were the way My Boyfriend and I are. You’re right, it would have to be years. You’re too valuable to me to throw away on sex; after-all, no one really stays friends with their exes. And ex is an ex.
Work with me, help me help myself and let me help you help yourself, would you? Assume that everything I’ve ever said to you has changed somewhat if not entirely.

Atara

Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 4:15am

I was curled up, comfortable, and theoretically near sleep. The laptop was shut off. The lights are off. The resident male is asleep. And then, I had some thoughts too profound to be ignored.
More and more I realize that My Boyfriend’s mind-set is that this is an exchange of services, and I find the exchange of services themselves without the actual genuine intimacy aspect to be completely worthless. If we’re just trading services, than I’m a cheap whore.
I’ve finally come to a very difficult realization; and that is that everything that sex has to offer is only actually received if you can receive everything it has to offer without having it. To elaborate; sex is good for the body; it’s a healthy exercise. But, if the person you’re having sex with is not “good for you” mentally, then you’re going to go through enough stress to counteract the benefits of the exercise. Sex is a great metal release from stress. But, if the person you’re having it with causes you stress, again, it’s negated. And most importantly, sex is very temporary and in long-term it provides carnal benefits, not life-long fulfilling benefits (in and of itself, not counting children.)
In compilation with these thoughts, I consider recent events: My boyfriend and I didn’t see each other all Sunday, hardly saw each other Saturday either, and then yesterday and today he came home at 2:30am very intoxicated. Both times he asked for sex, verbally, no less. Those are the only words he’s spoked to me in person for two days. The same phrase, “don’t you want to fuck me?” And my reply, “No.” How can I want to have sex with someone I have not seen since Friday?! And to top that off, if I recall correctly we had a dumb quarrel on Friday as well. I handled it well enough then, because things had been going fine then for a long time, but this time I understand the pattern, now I see the common factors.
He is looking for temporary pleasure; he revolves his life around it; weed, hanging out, video games and sex. Aside from that he works, does artistic things and tries to learn to program. No where in there does he try to find meaning in life, self-satisfaction, or does he go out of his way to learn anything that isn’t related to 3D-modeling or something along those lines. He doesn’t retain anything from our “meaningful” conversations because he has no personal opinions about anything that isn’t in the pre-specified categories. Externally, he seems very much like me, and yet internally we’re not anywhere near as alike as I thought.
Of course, on a universal level, we’re all trying to cope with the fact that life is full of suffering, and some of us are just doing better than others. My method has been to hitch on to one person and try to revolve my life around that one person. Is it possible for this to work? Sure, if you find another person willing to do the same thing for you who is available for at least half your waking hours, and all of your sleeping ones. Probable? Not really.
In this new world of understanding I have also realized that the people who like me are the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The more intelligent, the more they like me. This makes sense in retrospect to what I just said about knowledge and compassion. The more intelligent the person, the more they recognize the possibility of gaining a “intimate” (in the completely non-traditional sense) relationship with me through my honesty, openness, directness, and compassion for others.
Starting with this positive self-image, I can work on my judgmental habits and my one-person habit...

Wednesday January, 21st 2008 at 3:39pm

Books change a person’s life. I knew that, and yet, I didn’t know that, if you know what I mean. It’s so different to ‘understand a concept’ and to see the impact of that concept in your day to day experiences. You may follow along when someone talks about a loved one who died, but until it actually happens you don’t realize how much you missed while they were speaking.

Spilling It To The Random Dude

2009-01-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

Monday January, 19th 2008 at 12:19pm

The second day.
Of what?
Of feeling like a total ass, a complete idiot, like a played fool, like I’m nothing...
I tried yesterday to be cheerful despite my boyfriend’s obvious anger with me. Despite the fact that he was gone for over twelve hours. I tried to keep a level head and I think I did a good job. I didn’t cry, I hardly moped, I finished making my first demo-board-game of my own. (Cards printed on cardstock, cutout and then cased.) I got quite a few things done, indeed.
I didn’t write. I can’t imagine writing right now either. It’s amazing how many times I sit down with the intention of writing and how little I end up writing. It’s not lack of effort; it’s lack of mental discipline.
It’s one of those times where I feel inclined to say “I wish I were dead” but that’s just because I feel lonely, not because I actually want to die. What’s interesting is the part I just read yesterday in “The Art of Happiness” talks about where loneliness...

“Damn it. It all points to my idiotic...”
“Sorry,” he says.
I snort.
“Not doing anything anymore... well a lot of homework, but that’s it.”
“Always busy,” I mean it in a condescending way at that moment, “It's respectable, but not useful for me. I've been thinking about that...”
“About what?” he asks.
“How I want people to be able to make plans and to live a full life, but also how I want everyone to have tons of time for me,” I laugh humorlessly. “I'm a jealous person, I really am. I admit that. I feel so much anxiety and anger towards my boyfriend and his mom just because they had a good time yesterday while he was out ignoring me.
“I've been thinking how nice it would be to have someone who wasn't close to their family – even though I also want someone who is emotionally stable (and not having a good family generally does not support that.)” I have a person in mind.
“I was thinking I'd like a person who is to me like my boyfriend’s best friend is to my boyfriend... But the only reason he calls my boyfriend every single morning.... Is because he is a loser. I don't want a loser friend. I just want a friend who likes me that much.
“But maybe you only like someone that much if you're a loser? I don't know... But this book has made me realize how I purposely have isolated myself. It's also making me realize that my loneliness is entirely my fault, and completely based on my idealistic views of a relationship.
“And while I'd love to have that magical relationship where I'm one with that other person, where no time is need spent apart; I can't have that. No one is going to give that to me. Unless they're just like me – in which case, we'd have other problems.
“Rage and lust are very much related,” I comment, picking up on a topic he and I had been discussing on Saturday. “Though while loneliness leads me to lust, it does not lead me to rage. They're just both equally difficult to deal with and control. Besides, it figures that a man said that. Men always seem angrier and hornier than women.”

Tuesday January, 20th 2008 at 2:19am

Justin says: (1:30:49 AM): hi, how are you?

I say: (1:35:52 AM): Hello. I've been better, but I'm pretty good, you?

Justin says: (1:36:19 AM): okay, cant sleep. So how old are you?

I say: (1:37:31 AM): About to be 20... In like ten days.

Justin says: (1:37:46 AM): happy b-day; early b-day; big plans? get drunk?

I say: (1:38:40 AM): Yes and no. All my friends and family are going to play board games with me all day. I don't drink. I quit, it was really destructive... I basically acted like your typical dumb 18 year old girl when I was 14 and got over it by 17.

Justin says: (1:40:41 AM): What are you going to do at 21? You type fat- I mean fast. I mean, you’re not fat.

I say: (1:42:40 AM): At 21 hopefully I'll be going on a cool trip surrounded by true friends who I share a real link of compassion with. No, not fat. I was a little overweight a couple years ago, back before I changed my lifestyle entirely, I lost 30lbs. Now people consider me either thin or average

Justin says: (1:43:11 AM): good for you

I say: (1:43:30 AM): I consider myself still a bit out of shape, but I have high standards I guess. Well, Americans have low standards... so... yeah.

Justin says: (1:43:36 AM): That’s awesome. you aren’t American?

I say: (1:43:56 AM): I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Justin says: (1:44:08 AM): lol, bite your tongue

I say: (1:44:17 AM): It's embarrassing to go to Canada and to be so obvious that I'm American sometimes. In Toronto you can pick out all the Americans; it's the fat ones and the stupid ones and the poorly dressed ones and the shallow ones. It's depressing. But, hey, enough about being depressed. America does have some things going for it. (Brainstorming....)

Justin says: (1:44:59 AM): lol, stop hating, and get on board!

I say: (1:45:06 AM): I know. I wish I could.. I want to.

Justin says: (1:45:15 AM): come in for the big win, and join the team

I say: (1:45:22 AM): I want to be a nice, kind, compassionate person who isn't shallow at all. I do.

Justin says: (1:45:35 AM): But?

I say: (1:45:36 AM): It's just so hard when so many people are just so completely blind and ignorant. Well, I live in Buffalo, NY, so it's only recently I've met good people fo rhte first time in my life

Justin says: (1:47:03 AM): That’s a depressing area, no offense

I say: (1:47:14 AM): I met some college students who are actually on the ball with learning and growing and loving; and they're two great people – they're even both virgins and okay with that. Weird to hang out with virgins, when I myself lost mine at 12.

Justin says: (1:47:44 AM): 12 is young

I say: (1:47:50 AM): We have about five ghettos in Buffalo, each different. I live in the rican/black ghetto. Yes, indeed. I was a very lonely child, and only-child with parents a generation older than standard who never made friends

Justin says: (1:48:05 AM): are you Rican/black?

I say: (1:48:18 AM): I'm white. I stick out like a sore thumb. I've lived in this house my entire life, but I'm more well-traveled than most anyone I've met... Odd, in retrospect.

Justin says: (1:50:28 AM): are you still into goth?

I say: (1:50:46 AM): More or less. Back when I was in 11th grade I was deeply into it.

Justin says: (1:51:02 AM): And now? just sorta?

I say: (1:51:17 AM): Now I just dress up punk when I go out. I mean, being a goth is kinda different than dressing goth.

Justin says: (1:51:35 AM): I don’t understand.

I say: (1:51:37 AM): And the whole morbid/emo mind-set is really a bad one. It's unhealthy, unproductive and a drain on society as a whole. You could say I used to have that mind-set. Back when I was the biggest pot-head, drinking loser on the planet who thought being a slut was cool. God did I suck! Well, that last bit was a lie I suppose. I never thought being a slut was cool. I just used to have self-control issues.

Justin says: (1:53:28 AM): What do you mean?

I say: (1:53:29 AM): Thank goodness I lucked out and never caught anything. I mean I was a very, very, very horny child; this undoubtedly resulted from my loneliness. I didn't know it at the time. The whole typical "I want to be loved, but I think I want sex" thing.

Justin says: (1:54:13 AM): Are you still horny now?

I say: (1:54:25 AM): I recently read the quote; "The desire to be intimate is the desire to share your deepest self with another." Sure, when I'm in love with a man who deserves me and treats me like he should. Right now I'm sort of stuck in a relationship that I'm finding unsatisfactory.

Justin says: (1:55:06 AM): How so?

I say: (1:55:17 AM): I have a zillion reasons to stay, and a zillion to leave.

Justin says: (1:55:46 AM): what will you do?

I say: (1:56:23 AM): I don't know. I was going to break up with him a couple months ago, but then he changed. He had some deep realizations, and I wanted to give it time to see if these realizations would actually have a lasting effect on his behavior and attitudes. We've been together for just over two years, and we've been living together for nearly that long as well. So, it's not just something to be casually thrown away, but at the same time...

Justin says: (1:56:53 AM): wow, that a lot of time to be invested

I say: (1:57:09 AM): Well, I left my ex just before him one month short of two years. But my ex was a bit easier; I was already out of love when I left him. He was a liar and a thief and violent. Those things alone were another reason to get out. I only waited so long because I was terrified. But this time has been different. And he's not a liar, a thief or violent. But he's always getting so angry about such little things. Sometimes he gets really angry just because I didn't understand what he meant by something. And right now, at 2am, he's out.

Justin says: (1:59:10 AM): doing what?

I say: (1:59:16 AM): We've been fighting for three days now, after a month of doing so much better. I think he's talking to some customers he had today, he's a tattoo artist. ... Do you find your life fulfilling?

Justin says: (2:06:43 AM): I do.

I say: (2:07:10 AM): So, if you were to die tomorrow you'd have no regrets and you'd feel good about the things you had accomplished?

Justin says: (2:07:25 AM): I would... besides not having kids.

I say: (2:07:35 AM): Hm. I had to get an abortion a few months ago; it was very traumatic for me.

Justin says: (2:08:34 AM): i bet... wow

I say: (2:08:37 AM): I want a baby so bad, but I want to have a baby with a loving husband, not with a boyfriend who wasn't ready, wasn't appreciative, wasn't responsible.

Justin says: (2:10:39 AM): That’s tough

I say: (2:11:59 AM): Very much so. I wanted to marry him, to have his children, and I feel like he's just throwing it away because he can't keep commitments, can't quit weed, and can't think much past his current pleasure. He's way too focused on a pleasure and not fulfillment.

Justin says: (2:13:02 AM): you should move on, he sounds destructive.

I say: (2:14:44 AM): Well, I've shared a couple reasons why I want out; here are some reasons why I want to stay: his body, his sex, and his money are all very good; but those are shallow reasons, not my main reasons -- they are the "easy" reasons, not the deep ones. The deeper reasons would include how much I have loved him, how much I have done for him, how much potential I see in him. how much we've experienced together, and how when I met him I felt like I was meeting another person like myself for the first time in my life; and he felt the exact same way. I think I've been putting way too much focus on finding romantic, perfect love, and not enough effort into making lasting friendships...

The More Free I Am The More Lost I Am

2009-01-13T17:18:00.000-08:00

Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 6:51pm

On July 19th I wrote: “The more free I become the more lost I am.” It rings bells for me all over the place. Today was a free day. I’ve been free to do as I wanted all day long. I tried for around an hour to write, and stumbled over four-hundred words or so; a pitiful lot. I’m struggling with pushing onward and not giving up.
I think I’m chronically lonely or something. Days like today have one poignant similarity; the lack of people. When I wake up, My Boyfriend is gone. When I get breakfast, no one is there. Doing my exercise routine is a joke, because I put not effort into any of the moves; I don’t use energy. I just go through the motions like a half-dead robot. Writing is painstakingly slow and feelings two-dimensional. Drawing is calculated and without feeling.
Bringing myself to do anything at all seems like a chore. It’s not as though I’ve just sat here all day... But on the other hand...
I seem to be failing at even writing this entry. I’m either lazy or I need motivation. I can comfort myself all I want by saying ‘I could do a lot less’ but boy is that a terrible excuse. Instead, I should be asking myself ‘what more can I be doing?’ At the same time I don’t want to complicate my life in any way I don’t have to. I’m so determined to not have a life full of unwanted commitments, obligations and useless activities that I think I’m making myself the other extreme unwittingly.
It’s just the funk of a day alone. The complete lack of human contact is eerie in it’s own way. All music is haunting, TV is mostly depressing, writing is impossible, reading is difficult, cleaning is aborted half-way through doing most tasks... Okay, so that’s an exaggeration. I did change the trash. Oh. Amazing. Pat me on the back, why don’t ya?
My Boyfriend made me feel like a fool at 7am. I was awake for over an hour, more like two hours, just laying there. We argued; and I’m quite sure I didn’t win the argument, but I’m not sure there was a victor or if there ever really is. I just felt like a spoiled brat afterwards. I wonder if I’m really as selfish as he made it sound... I may very well be.
I need to find my inspiration, finish my novel, edit it (the fun part), and then get it published (the impossible part I’m insisting on being optimistic about). I just need to do it. I’ll be a person then. I’ll have a life then; even if nothing changes. I’ll exist then. I won’t just be a figment of my own imagination anymore. I’ll have a purpose. My life won’t have been a waste. I’ll have a future... I need to. There is no way around it. Maybe it’s getting so hard to write because of the pressure I’ve put on myself? Of course, as it gets longer there are more and more details I have to take into account which is purely painful when trying to just write. While editing, details are fun; while getting the story out in the first place all those details are trip-ups.
And I’m not sure if I’m coming back to any of my old projects afterwards. And that’s why it’s even more important to finish the novel. I’ve spent two months on it; let’s not repeat the spending over a year on a board game to not have a board game even playable for friends yet (much less and official and published version). I will not give up. I can’t. I won’t allow myself. I can’t turn twenty and still... And still... Be... Nothing...

Tuesday January, 13th 2008 at 8:11pm

Hallie said back in July, “Sometimes it seems like you've lost sight of what's normal in relationships. Maybe because this relationship has actually been failing for a long time, maybe because the one you had before it wasn't so hot either. Maybe both. But, really, my husband would never be pissed at me for having a male friend over. It would never occur to him that I had done anything untoward, let alone slept with anyone else! I would never do anything secretive or passive aggressive like being gone when he got home to "make a point" and I would never have to. Those things just don't happen in good relationships. When you feel that way, when it occurs to you that you need to come up with some secret plan to demonstrate something, when you feel yourself accusing your partner of cheating, when you're actually having a conversation about whether you were or were not wearing lingerie with another person... it's over. It's just already over.”
I suppose, if I look back on how things were in July I should be happy with how things are now. Silly humans; always wanting more. *sigh*
I do really feel like My Boyfriend and I broke up for a long time there, coming to a peak on Thanksgiving, and like after that we started going out again. Though I’m nervous that this is just the beginning of another collapse.
When it comes to My Boyfriend, I can make lists of things I want, but there are some central issues that are much more complex than what we want and what we’re willing to give to each other... I’m not sure I can put it all into words right now. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately... Some precursor to realizing what I already know all over again likely.
I got another four-hundred words written. I put in a second half-hearted work-out. I changed the sheets on the bed. Does that mean I’ve done something today? Odd, how I’ve been doing things all day, and yet all of it seems to add up to zero. My guess; I’m lonely and beyond that, I need a bigger goal; a life-long goal to work towards, and I can’t come up with one that doesn’t involve heart-break.

Saturday January, 17th 2008 at 1:39pm

The foretold events have been averted; it’s January seventeenth. For those of you who have no belief in the supernatural, psychic abilities, afterlife, reincarnation, and other things that clearly exist, then you’ll probably find this a bit hoaky. But...
A young man at a psychic meet-up way back in July or so told me the date January 15th, and at the moment he said it I knew it would be the break-up date. I’m sure it very well could have been. Mom intervened and prevented us from breaking up on Thanksgiving. At that time I had no real intention of staying with him for more than a month or so. But since then things have been changing.
The young man didn’t say what would happen on that date; who knows, perhaps I took the message the wrong way in the first place.
Anyway, now that it’s past, I feel like a great blanket has lifted off of me, and now I can breath. I’ve been sort-of expecting some huge fight to happen right around that date to make me change my mind after-all, but interestingly the 15th was Thursday, and My Boyfriend and I had a fabulous Thursday; in fact, the only thing that stood out about that day was the fact that we didn’t argue the entire time we were out.
Usually going out triggers arguments for us. Who’s driving? Why is that person driving? How is that person driving? Those all cause arguments, and sometimes we don’t end up going anywhere just because of one of those things. Where are we going? How much are we spending? Those two things are often the cause of an argument as well – maybe he wants to spend a lot of money on something I don’t approve of, and I mention it, or vise versa.
What we going to do when we get back home? In the past he had a habit of informing me on the drive home that he was getting some beers or some weed (or even both) on the way back and then going to hang out with El.
However, none of that is like it was. The drinking has stopped. The weed, is slowly beginning to be curbed. He’s turning off his phone before he goes to bed so that the phone isn’t what I have to wake up to (even though he likes to wake up to his friend’s calling him.) He’s remembering to always give me a kiss before he leaves. He’s remembering to wake me up with tea and eggs. He’s been better about initiating sex and foreplay. He’s even following me to the bathroom to keep me company (which was never and will never be a requirement, but it’s so darn cute!)
I put the pictures of us back up in the room sometime last week. He was really happy about that, which I knew he would be. He’s been very appreciative. He’s been calling me more often, and I likewise. He’s being cleaner, and so am I. He’s keeping his plans with me about 70% of the time (on average since Thanksgiving) instead of around... 6% of the time (averaged from the previous year before thanksgiving. In addition, he’s been letting me know when his plans change nine out of ten times. He’s been better about actually making plans instead of shrugging.
He’s been apologizing and meaning it. He’s asking me often (but not to a degree that it bothers me) about our future together if I am back to wanting to marry him yet. The thing is, I am back to wanting to marry him; my emotions are very flexible that way. I’m very forgiving. I just wonder if it’s good for our relationship to be quite so forgiving.
I, believe it or not, could continue to say positive things about My Boyfriend, but I’d like to start doing something else now. I may see My Bestfriend today. Hopefully I’ll get some writing done as well.
Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 5:12pm

Moment of despair...
My Boyfriend “admitted” this morning that he doesn’t give a shit about me or our relationship the moment I “piss him off.” This admittance came along the lines of me quoting positive things that we had said to me in the past;
“Being a goof-ball with you means the world to me,” and “You can have all the touchies you want,” and “I know you’re good for me, I need someone who is always logical,” and “You’re my first priority,” and “You’re the world to me.”
His response was along the lines of; “I don’t feel that way right now because you pissed me off.” Except that I think he may have cursed somewhere in that sentence, and I don’t think he used the word “feel” but the meaning nonetheless is conveyed. If he’s angry, then our relationship doesn’t My Bestfriender.
It’s obvious really, but hearing him say it does change things. It explains why he takes so long to apologize (usually an entire day); because it takes him that long to cool off. I want to be there for him and to help him and to compromise and to do everything that a good wife would do, but this... But to hear him say he doesn’t care about me the moment he’s angry with me, and to know it’s true.
I told him, “You should watch what you say.”
“I don’t have to listen to you,” he says.
“Then I don’t have to listen to you either, so why are you angry that I supposedly wasn’t listening to you?” I say.
“You’re fucking retarded.”
“You really believe that?” I ask.
What ridiculous arguments we have, really.
“Think about what you’re saying My Boyfriend. I’m retarded, fuck me, fuck this relationship, and you don’t care about me when you’re angry. Then it’s over the moment you’re angry!”
“Maybe you try harder not to piss me off then!”
“Maybe you should try harder to not be pissed off.”
“I don’t piss you off all the time,” he counters.
“I don’t do things that are harmful to our relationship or to my health,” I respond.
“I just want to spend an hour with my friends, is that so fucking hard?”
“That’s not what you said, and that’s not why I’m upset. You yourself said at least two hours, and I don’t have a problem with you seeing your friends, I have a problem with you breaking plans with me to go smoke weed,” I explain, trying to be calm.
“I told you I’m not going anywhere. You need to fucking listen. We’d be right downstairs, it doesn’t take that long.”
“You didn’t tell me that until after you got off the phone with El.”
“On the phone, off the phone, what’s the fucking difference?” He counters angrily.
“You were still discussing what you may or may not do while you were on the phone. When you got off the phone you’d already decided that you weren’t going anywhere. At least, that’s what you said.”
“Fuck you, I don’t need this shit. You make me fucking miserable.”
“I make you miserable? Really?” I ask, hurt, even if I don’t believe him.
“I work all fucking week and I can’t even spend a fucking hour with my friends.”
“It’s not that My Boyfriend. And you tell me I’m not listening.”
“Yeah – it’s about me breaking plans – oh god forbid we go out two hours later, or three hours later. We can go at two o’clock, or three o’clock or four o’clock!”
(Never mind that he said this at 1:45pm, and if we were to be leaving at two then we would need to be ready. Never mind the fact that before we went to sleep we agreed that first thing in the morning we would take a bath together so long as it wasn’t “too cold” which it most certainly wasn’t. It was warmer this morning than it’s been in days. Never mind the fact that we also agreed we needed to clean the room, and that we would give each other pedicures and rub each other’s backs, and cook together and watch that new movie he downloaded together. Where in there was there a plan to spend one to three hours with El? Where is there was there even room for time with El? We even talked about the fact that it wouldn’t leave much time for doing much of anything else today! We even talked about that!)
I didn’t respond to that one directly. What can I say? It’s too much explaining and too much reasoning for someone who’s too angry and too loud and too set on telling me I’m a retard to hear a word I say.
He leaves. He lets me know before he leaves that he’ll probably be seeing his mom while he’s out, and I heard him say to Frankie that he’d come by and visit him. So, first to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and Connie’s house to smoke. Then to Frankie’s house to smoke some more. Then possibly to his mom’s house, though I doubt he’s there now, and I doubt he’ll make time for that. He’s probably stoned out of his mind right now playing Call of Duty with Frankie. If him and I are very lucky, he’s not drinking, but somehow I suspect that today he might drink at least a half a beer. Call it intuition, call it a guess, maybe it’s just because I’m so bitter about it.
It would be okay if he was angry for a reason. He got so angry with me because supposedly I make him miserable because I don’t want him to go to El’s house and smoke a blunt first thing on a day we’re supposed to be spending bonding with each other. He also said things like, “I will not be your fucking slave,” multiple times. This is completely ludicrous! How is he in any way my slave? Does he clean up after me? Does he wait on my hand and foot? Does he do every little thing I tell him to do? Do I order him around? No, no and no!
I don’t know what to make of it. After days without arguing at all, and weeks without him behaving quite so ignorant... Why all of the sudden? And while sober no less! He does have an anger problem. I begin to believe that I myself may have a slight anger problem, because I’m coming to the conclusion that experiencing anger is an unnatural, unhelpful way of expressing one-self. If you feel angry, your entire focus should be on not being angry. Unfortunately, situations that cause anger have a way of distracting you from calming yourself down.
Can you imagine my indignation when he tells me I’m a retard for not listening and then goes on to say things that clear demonstrate that he isn’t listening? I told him over and over again that I misunderstood what he said on the phone. And I don’t know how he could expect me to understand everything when he’s talking to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend on the phone and not talking directly to me.
*sigh* I think I’ve done a good job of managing to do other things thus far today despite how I feel. I’m trying very hard to implement all I’ve learned about keeping a calm state of mind and it’s importance... But one thing continues to nag at me, and that is...: Is it worth it to continue to try and make my life work with My Boyfriend? Yes, he has improved. Yes, he’s improved dramatically and continues to do so. Yes, reverting to previous behaviors on occasion is expected. But what if he reverts fully at one point or another? Then what have I been spending all of my time doing?
While it may not be a waste of my time, I’m not sure I can it’s most beneficial.
That daunting question keeps returning to me... Is My Boyfriend worth all the trouble? There are so many benefits, most importantly is that for a good portion of time each week he makes me happy. That’s the single most important aspect of our relationship; but is that “good portion” of each week really a rip-off in disguise?
I suppose only time can tell me, and I’m not going to give up today. I also suppose that’s why I’m still here now. I keep figuring that in time I’ll know.
...I have not eaten anything today, and I’ve been awake almost six hours. I should go and get a salad, or perhaps an egg.
I’m trying so hard not to be depressed, not to cry, not to be angry... I’m just so frustrated with my parents, with my novel, with My Boyfriend... I just want something solid to cling to... But there is nothing solid is there? And that is why I must be solid for myself. That is why I need peace within, because I can’t rely on peace from the exterior influences.
Hell, why can I write a three page entry and not a damn paragraph on my novel?

Sunday January, 18th 2008 at 6:56pm

Has your science teacher ever told you, “everything is interconnected” and you rolled your eyes because of course everything is interconnected? What about your minister are your church? Was it slightly more moving than your science teacher, and yet, still a bit on a sappy-side? What about some hippy on the street who has had too much to smoke? You’ll hear him saying in a sing-song voice, “It’s all interconnected dude!” And he’ll probably have his stoned buddy with him who says, “Whoa... Dude... That’s deep.”
We’ve all heard it. Myself, personally, I’ve heard it from each of those sources at least twice. And yet, never on any of those occasions has it struck a deep cord within me. This time, while reading it inside the book I’m reading, it did. I love how the concepts in the chapter were presented; and I feel that now I understand the deep profound truth about how interconnected we are. I understand in a way I couldn’t have without having read that chapter.
Thanks to someone else inputting this bit into their blog that I found via google, I’m able to share this excerpt with all of you.
From “The Art of Happiness” by Howard C. Cutler, M. D. And The Dalia Lama:
"Within all beings there is the seed of perfection. However, compassion is required in order to activate that seed which is inherent in our hearts and minds..."
With this, the Dalai Lama introduced the topic of compassion to a hushed assembly. Addressing an audience of fifteen hundred people, counting among them a fair proportion of dedicated students of Buddhism, he then began to discuss the Buddhist doctrine of the Field of Merit.
In the Buddhist sense, Merit is described as positive imprints on one's mind, or "mental continuum," that occur as a result of positive actions. The Dalai Lama explained that a Field of Merit is a source or foundation from which a person can accumulate Merit. According to Buddhist theory, it is a person's stores of Merit that determine favorable conditions for one's future rebirths. He explained that Buddhist doctrine specifies two Fields of Merit: the field of the Buddhas and the field of other sentient beings. One method of accumulating Merit involves generating respect, faith, and confidence in the Buddhas, the Enlightened beings. The other method involves practicing actions like kindness, generosity, tolerance, and so on and conscious restraint from negative actions like killing, stealing, and lying. The second method of acquiring Merit requires interaction with other people, rather than interaction with the Buddhas. On that basis, the Dalai Lama pointed out, other people can be of great help to us in accumulating Merit.
The Dalai Lama's description of other people as a Field of Merit had a beautiful, lyrical quality to it that seemed to lend itself to a richness of imagery. His lucid reasoning and the conviction behind his words combined to give him special power and impact to his talk that afternoon. As I looked around the room, I could see that many members of the audience were visibly moved.
I, myself, was less enthralled. As a result of our earlier conversations, I was in the rudimentary stages of appreciating the profound importance of compassion, yet as I was still heavily influenced by years of rational, scientific conditioning that made me regard any talk of kindness and compassion as being a bit too sentimental for my taste. As he spoke, my mind began to wander. I started furtively looking around the room, searching for famous, interesting, or familiar faces. Having eaten a big meal just before the talk, I started to get sleepy. I drifted in and out.
At one point in the talk, my mind turned in to hear him say "...the other day I spoke about the factors necessary to enjoy a happy and joyful life. Factors such as good health, material goods, friends, and so on. If you closely investigate, you'll find that all these depend on other people. To maintain good health, you rely on medicines made by others and health care provided by others. If you examine all of the material facilities that you use for the enjoyment of life, you'll find that there are hardly any of these material objects that have no connection with other people. If you think carefully, you'll see that all these goods come into being as a result of the efforts of many people, either directly or indirectly. Many people are involved in making those things possible. Needless to say, when we're talking about good friends and companions as being another necessary factor for a happy life, we are talking about interaction with other sentient beings, other human beings.
"So you can see that all these factors are inextricably linked with other people's efforts and cooperation. Others are indispensable. So, despite the fact that the process of relating to others might involve hardships, quarrels, or cursing, we have to try to maintain an attitude of friendship and warmth in order to lead a way of life in which there is enough interaction with other people to enjoy a happy life."
As he spoke, I felt instinctive resistance. Although I've always valued and enjoyed my friends and family, I've considered myself to be an independent person. Self-reliant. Prided myself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I've tended to regard overly dependent people with a kind of contempt--a sign of weakness.
Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the Dalai Lama, something happened. As "Our Dependence on Others," was not my favorite topic, my mind started to wander again, and I found myself absently removing a loose thread from my shirt sleeve. Tuning in for a moment, I listened as he mentioned the many people who are involved in making all our material possessions. As he said this, I began to think about how many people were involved in making my shirt. I started imagining the farmer who grew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, for that My Bestfriender, the hundreds or even thousands of people involved in manufacturing that tractor, including the people that mined the ore to make the metal for each part of the tractor. And all the designers of the tractor. Then, of course, the people who processed the cotton, the people who wove the cloth, and the people who cut, dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workers and truck drivers who delivered the shirt to the store and the salesperson who sold the shirt to me. It occurred to me that virtually every aspect of my life came about as the result of others' efforts.
My precious self-reliance was a complete illusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned on me, I was overcome with a profound sense of the interconnectedness and interdependence of all beings. I felt a softening. Something. I don't know. It made me want to cry.
(Excerpt from The Art of Happiness, "Dependence on Others vs. Self Reliance", written by the 14th Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler, M.D.; Pages 71-75)

There is a fine line between corny and deep, and sometimes the line is just completed erased. I think that line is erased when two things happen: the speaker is serious and has conviction and dedication to what they are saying, and two, when the listener is respectful and introspective.
When your science teacher tells you everything is interconnected, you’re thinking about the lion who eats the antelope, the antelope who eats the grass, the grass who drinks the water from the soil, and the droppings that were the animals and other plants who become the soil. What’s interesting is that despite the fact that we have all of those things in mind while we’re watching the lion king, it’s much deeper then.
This is either support that movies move people, or that class-rooms don’t. You decide which.

On a different note, I feel better once again after having read some of this book. It’s good for the soul in a very-serious, very-deep, not-at-all-corny sort of way. Chicken soup for the teenage soul came off as corny to me way-back-when several people tried to get me to read it.
I can honestly say now however, that I’m experiencing the “softening.” I feel much more drawn to the idea of interaction with people, especially with the accepted fact that I need those other people, even if they are not the same people who manufactured this lap-top or the ones who made my shirt. Indirectly, every human being has influenced me, I just can’t trace how. To deny that, to pretend to be reliant on myself or any one person or even just a handful of people is unrealistic and naive. I see that now.
Another short excerpt from page 63:
Sometimes when I meet with old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of our time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best of our time.
So, let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that.
Once you accept the fact that compassion is not something childish or sentimental, once you realize that compassion is something really worthwhile, realize it's deeper value, then you immediately develop an attraction towards it, a willingness to cultivate it.
And once you encourage the thought of compassion in your mind, once that thought becomes active, then your attitudes towards others changes automatically. If you approach others with the thought of compassion, that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With that attitude, you can approach a relationship in which you, yourself, initially create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from the other person. And with that attitude, even if the other person is unfriendly, or doesn't respond to you in a positive way, then at least you've approached the person with a feeling of openness that gives you a certain flexibility and the freedom to change your approach as needed.
End Excerpt.
I really like this part because it’s a good reminder of how to not start a conversation. When you answer the phone exasperated, and demand; “What?!” you automatically cut off any possibility of a deep or meaningful conversation. If the person on the other end wanted to tell you something serious or sentimental, they’ll probably change their tune to “oh, just want to say hi... guess I’ll talk to you later since you’re busy...”
It’s seven-thirty-four right now and My Boyfriend isn’t back. Who knows when and if he will be any time even remotely soon. I already am starting to feel sad again. I guess it’s time to get back to reading.

Ode To Dad

2009-01-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 11:51am

Hey, don’t forget! Make the sheep-level rumor! Include sheep-skin armor, Shepard character opens up, Shepard king...

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 5:41pm

I tried for the second time to start reading the book My Gaming Friend gave me for Christmas. It's called "A Game of Thrones" and it's written well so I should like it, but I keep having trouble focusing on reading. I cleaned for three hours in the living room and dining room. Helped my mom cook baked potatoes and lima beans. Argued with my mom... Digital painted for a while, got down about a paragraph on my novel... Hm, I think that's pretty much everything. My Boyfriend made me an egg for breakfast.

Friday, January, 9th 2008 at 6:41pm

I met My Boyfriend’s Best Friend at Thursday in the Square in the Summer of 2006 while I was still going out with Travanti. I was near My Boyfriend’s Best Friend because he was a friend of a friend of a friend per-say and I overheard him saying that he loved soccer. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex had just been telling me how he wanted to get a good soccer match against a good team or even one-on-one just a few days previous. So I told My Boyfriend’s Best Friend about my boyfriend and how I wanted to set up a match; probably at Deleware park. My Boyfriend’s Best Friend said he was interested and gave me his number.
I was a lazy pothead, so I never called the number until after I had already broken up with Tre. I called My Boyfriend’s Best Friend because I wanted to start throwing house parties and because I remembered that he was a popular guy at the square I figured he’d know a lot of people and that he might even have advice. We talked on the phone for a short while, and he didn’t really remember me, but he said he’d like to come over to “make plans” for these parties I was planning.
Then My Boyfriend’s Best Friend calls me back and asks if he can bring his roommate. I wanted to object at first, but then I thought “what the heck” since it probably meant two people I could get to first my first party. So My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and his room mate showed up at like seven o’clock and I escorted them up to the attic. We went to the corner store and bought some drinks (wine-coolers), and then returned to the attic. I didn’t really notice his room-mate much at first; he was quite and he probably kept his hood up most of the time.
But on the walk to the store I began to notice that they were not your “average niggas” at all. While they weren’t per-say your sort of “white” black people, they also weren’t your stereotypical black guys either. We got into a debate about religion and about the Niphiliem and I read a passage of “The Twelfth Planet” by Sitchin, and at that point I noticed that El’s roommate was a pretty cool guy.
If you hadn’t guessed by now, El’s roommate was My Boyfriend. Well, some point after drinking some more we all got a bit more comfortable, and My Boyfriend wraps his arm around me (while My Boyfriend’s Best Friend is taking a piss) and tells me that he’s claiming me. At this point I’m thinking to myself “this feels good and all, but I have an insane-ex who will tear this poor little guy to shreds if he finds out.”
What I didn’t know at the time is that both My Boyfriend’s Best Friend and My Boyfriend were making bets on who was going to get to either date me or sleep with me or which-ever. What also is really funny that I didn’t know at the time was that My Boyfriend’s first impression of me was “the most hood white-chick” he ever met. (I was pretty darn ghetto while I was dating Tre.)
Well, alcohol is a great helper; so next thing you know there is a lot of kissing going on and My Boyfriend’s Best Friend is just sort of leaves while we were occupied with each other. I end up fishing around for a condom, feeling really guilty, but at the same time not giving a damn. I didn’t even expect to ever see My Boyfriend again. But, less than a month later we’re a couple and totally nuts about each other.

Saturday January, 10th 2008 at 3:40pm

Matt asks me what I’m reading after I told him that I’ve finally managed to read the first chapter of a book that my board-gaming friend got me for Christmas. It’s not that it’s a bad book; in fact, I’m positive that it’s a very good book; it’s just I’ve been in some sort of reading slump since the holiday slump began.
“A Game of Thrones,” I said. “Nothing you'd like. It’s a fantasy novel that may or may not help me write the one I'm trying to write. The moons knows I need the help right now.”
Then I continue to ramble on; “The only reason I don't have writer's block is because I refuse to have writers block; I keep writing even when I don't feel like it; even when I'm writing drivel; even when I have no ideas. The only problem is, I can only force myself to do that for so long before I find myself cleaning my nails again. I want to get into the zone... Lose myself in the story and write four pages without stopping. That would feel sooo good.”
Ah, indeed it would. I wrote about six-hundred words on my novel thus-far today. My new-years resolution was to write 1000 words each day for all of January or to finish the book before the end of January, which ever came first. I’m two-thousand words behind, and have been for a couple days – only managing to not dig the hole deeper, without catching up. I should be at eighty-thousand today, but I’m only at seventy-eight-thousand. *sigh*
I’m hoping to catch up today, perhaps even in the next couple of hours... I fear I won’t finish the book by one-hundred thousand words, and that’s not cool, because I expect the book is going to end up expanding in the first edit; not shrinking (like it probably ought).
Seemingly randomly I say to My Bestfriend, “My old ambitions are coming back with a new light cast on them. I feel like myself again -- perhaps for the first time since I met you.”
After a long pause he answers, “I thought that was a quote at first. What do you mean by that?”
“Well, I suppose that's a good question,” I say. “I was just trying to answer that in my head before you asked it.”
A bunch of thoughts ran through my mind; like how I’ve finally come up with a good theory as to where this reoccurring feeling I keep getting is coming from – this feeling that makes me want to either play this video game that doesn’t actually exist, or to create this game so that it would exist. I think it’s a left over desire from playing with my barbies for my entire childhood. I made up this entire realm and then I had to leave it behind or fall behind. I replaced that world with reading, writing, drawing, and guys. I think I miss the all-consuming world I had made for myself and my dolls.
After a while I answered, “For periods of time we break off from our overall self and become a more subjective than usual part of ourselves. During these periods of time we only take what we know from parts of our life and not all of our life because we feel the need or desire to ignore other aspects of what we know in light in recent discoveries. There has been a flood of discoveries about myself and about my peers, and a number of other things since I met you that have caused me to enter one of those periods where I was only using my new information. Now it's finally all settled into place with everything else that I know.”

Sunday January, 11th 2008 at 3:56pm

My Boyfriend,
So, I’ve been laying here on our bed thinking; “How could I have avoided this argument?” The only real answer I’ve come up with is that I need to word what I say more carefully. This however, is quite the paradox, because I said what I said because you didn’t word what you were saying carefully enough for me to understand what you were saying, so I ended up saying something that you took the wrong way... It seems to me that this entire argument revolved around taking things the worst way possible and mis-communication.
Besides how could I have avoided this argument, I’ve also been asking myself, “Did I actually do anything wrong?” I suppose that it could be commonly interpreted that I did accuse you of not putting me first, and accusations are always bad. I’m not sure my fault goes any further than making an accusation than I didn’t mean to make.
I don’t want to sit here and accuse you of anything, but the problem is, how can I tell you how I feel without creating any accusations? Well, I suppose if I say “I feel like...blah, blah, blah,” instead of saying “You’re saying that you are going to... blah, blah, blah,” or “You did... blah,” or whatever. So, perhaps if I agree to try and be more careful about what I say, then perhaps you’ll agree to give me the benefit of the doubt when I say things that sound like I’m playing you?
Of course, this brings me to the question; Why should I have to be careful about what I say? Then again, there is being careful, and then there is having to leave things out to avoid arguments. I believe that we should be careful about what we say, because after-all, we don’t want to hurt each other. Then again, if we both trust that the other person isn’t trying to hurt, then we should know that the other didn’t mean it that way.
However, I feel like you really mean it when you say things like, “You’re a fucking idiot.” Of course, if you’re angry, perhaps I shouldn’t take what you say too seriously? But then again, if I don’t take you seriously when you’re angry you’ll probably get more angry. Oh, the fun of paradoxes.
This brings me back to my original question, “How could I have avoided this argument?” You might say to me in response to this question; “Duh, don’t say things like that!” But what are things “like that”? How am I to determine which things I say will be taken as accusations? How can I determine which is romantic and loving manipulation and what comes off as cruel and unfair manipulation?
Isn’t it manipulation if you offer to hold me all night if I ride on top of you? I suppose that’s a bribe, but I would consider that to be a perfectly normal and loving bribe. An exchange to benefit both parties. If you say you’ll stay with me the rest of the week if you can go out on a certain night, isn’t that a form of manipulation? Especially if you ask me this on a holiday. Isn’t writing this letter a form of manipulation, even if I’m doing it because I love you? (And because I can’t think about anything else but how I could have prevented this – which is of course because I love you. And because I want to resolve this, which of course is also because I love you.)
I suppose one way to put how I feel is best put in the words of Mort; “Laya always appears... The question is, how did you respond? ...Sometimes we feel so duped into marrying Laya that we divorce Rachel.” I’m sure you know what I mean by quoting these phrases, but just incase you don’t, I’ll spell it out: I said something that upset you; but does that mean the correct response was to get angry and yell at me? You were so angry with what I said, you were willing to hurt me, despite the fact that you love me and want to be with me. Do you really think that looking back on it you’ll be happy with that sort of choice?
Maybe I’m taking this too far, but weren’t you taking it too far? I feel like you did.
If you had instead said (without leaving the bed, without raising your voice);
“When you say something like that I feel like you’re manipulating me. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but it’s really hard when I feel like you’re twisting my words into something that they aren’t.”
If you had said that instead of jumping up and yelling whatever you yelled (I can’t remember exactly what – when I’m being yelled at I’m much more conscious of the fact that you’re angry and that you’re yelling than anything else) then I would have been able to have a chance to tell your earnestly;
“I don’t mean to make you feel that way. I just don’t want you to leave again today. And I don’t want to go grocery shopping late at night, I want to get it out of the way while the sun is still out.”
And you could have said;
“I’m serious. I really don’t like it when you say things like that. It makes me feel like you’re trying to play me.”
And I would have replied; “Babe, I’m never trying to play you. I didn’t mean for it to come off that way. Can’t you talk to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend some other time though?”
And you could have said; “I don’t have time to talk to My Boyfriend’s Best Friend another time. It seems like he could really use some advice. He could just swing by for a little while and then we could still go grocery shopping tonight. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
And I would have sighed and then said; “I suppose. I’m really sorry I made you feel that way, you know I didn’t mean it that way though... So how long is My Boyfriend’s Best Friend probably going to come by for?”
And you could have said; “Probably for an hour.”
And then there would have never need been an argument. Do you agree that the conversation could have gone that way? Do you agree that it would have been better that way? If you don’t agree, then please take this opportunity to tell me how you feel.
You can’t expect me to know or understand anything about you that you haven’t told me. While I may understand things you have not told me, you can’t count on it. You have to assume that I don’t know anything you have not told me, regardless of having said it several months ago, regardless of it being something I should have already gathered. Because, what if I don’t know?
I’m not going to be insulted or annoyed if you tell me something twice, or three times, or four times. Though, after four or five times I may mention that you’ve told me this before and that I remember. Clarification and questioning should never be a reason to become upset (in my opinion.)
While I’d like to say that sharing feelings should never be cause to become upset, sometimes they are. If you feel that you don’t need to make plans with me, or keep plans with me, I’m going to be upset. However, being upset should never be a reason to yell, leave, or say mean things. Do you agree? If not, please tell me that you don’t. If you do agree, which I sincerely hope that you do, please tell me. Again, you can’t expect me to know if you don’t tell me.
You see what I’m saying? I’m not trying to say that you’re slow or dumb, or whatever when I elaborate or clarify. So please don’t take it that way. Just in case, for our benefit, I’m going to reword that, in case I didn’t make myself clear the first time.
Sometimes we say things to each other that are good reasons to be upset. However, no My Bestfriender how upsetting what was said was, we should never yelled about it, leave over it, so say mean things that we’ll regret later. If you agree, then that means you agree that you should have given me the benefit of the doubt, talked calmly but seriously about your feelings, and that there was no need for a loud or prolonged argument. If you agree, then there is no reason for us to stay angry with each other.
Please tell me how you feel.
This is how I feel: hurt, and sad. I still love you though, and you know that.

Monday January, 12th 2008 at 12:45pm

Miruna says: “Ah. I have a desk, like all the other programmers. We work in a common room, typing away, for the most part. Most of us do some work from home, too, which is why I was able to send that script to crawl through the broken records in the database.
“I have heard a phrase from America, I think it is 'hostile work environment'. From what I can tell, this is a rather hostile environment. Some of that is my fault, of course, but I do what I have to.
“Most of us leave at around eighteen or so, some of us stay later.
“If you want to know what I think of my subordinates, it goes something like this:
Thirty programmers and twelve interns work directly under me. Best-practices elsewhere [such as America and Europe] dictate no more than six people directly under any given position, but we clearly do not follow best-practices here. I imagine most offices also ignore best-practices in practice.
“Eighteen. 18:00. I think that is when most Americans have dinner? Six on a twelve-hour clock.”
I say: “I was trying to calculate it at the same time as listing to my mom talk to me. My mom is telling me about financial issues at the moment.”
Miruna says: “Oh? Is it bad news?”
I say: “It's always bad news; a bunch of crises have happened.”
Miruna says: “Oh dear. At any rate. Out of the thirty full-privileged programmers, two seem to be burning out. That is about average for this time of year. I have looked at records going back a couple years before I started here, and that seems consistent. Which is good, because I have two interns with real promise, and that leaves six for shock-absorbers, and four to get rid of before April.”
I say: “I see. Sounds similar to my Dad's position since his promotion.”
Miruna says: “Ah. I imagine he does not need to be as careful with the interns, though. What cycle do they use at his office? Ours is three months. Which is why I have to dismiss the four lousy interns before April, incidentally.”
I say: “My mom called me back again, just a second... XD ...Well, he's not a programmer; he works for social services, but he has a lot of people under him; something similar to how many you have under you. His previous job (before the promotion) for the last twenty years has been working with wel-fare people. He has to find out if they are still eligible, if they are getting the care they need, if they're getting the work they are supposed to, etc.
“Before he'd have something like thirty to a hundred clients at a time, and he'd do the paperwork and make the phone calls and answer phone calls and meet with people. Now, he manages all of his old co-workers, and they don't phase in and out very often. I'm not sure if he has a power to hire or fire anyone or not.
“He has to make sure everyone else is doing their job, pick up their slack, and make reports on them. What's funny is that (in his own words) he has over 10 times the work, and less than a 10th of his pay raised.”
Miruna says: “That is a shame. For my part, I cannot readily fire the programmers unless I can prove [in court if necessary] that they are not doing their job, which is why I have to watch for signs of stress, and keep track of which interns look promising, and dismiss the slackers as quickly as I can.”
I say: “I believe he used to work in the same room as everyone and now he has his own office, but that's pretty much a guess. Managers in office-buildings rarely are in the same room with all the workers. I see. That sounds like it can have it's perks, but stressful for the most part.
“My brother recently tried to kill himself, which is part of the current financial problem.”
Miruna says: “Yes, it is mostly a lot of stress. But I cut a lot of throats to get to this desk, and now I can mostly count on keeping my job as long as I can do it. Oh. Dear. I am sorry.”
I say: “My mom has borrowed all of the money in my bank account (she promises to pay back with interest within a few months) to buy him an apartment so he wasn't sleeping in his car. And I didn't realize it was quite so much until I suggested us getting the "old computers" of the house fixed today. I figured that I could pay for my old two to be fixed/upgraded and she could do the same for Dad's old computer. Turns out, neither of us have any money in our bank accounts.
“My Dad got stopped for drunk driving, and he's been going through court and all of that, and that's going to run another 700 dollars. And the window of the car is broken, and to get it fixed is 300 dollars.”
Miruna says: “Well, if the hardware still works, try installing Linux on the old machines. Linux does not need nearly as much resources as windows.
“Oh. My.”
I say: “And I believe our tires are going as well, and I have no idea how much it costs to fix that.”
Later, on another topic...
“My Boyfriend says Windows always slows down because of the spyware on it -- even when you're not hooked up the internet, Windows always gets slower and slower. Would you happen to know exactly why?”
Miruna explains; “Well, he is partly right. Spyware and other malicious code [or anything that runs in the background all the time] will slow down a computer. But even if you remove all the spyware, you have another annoying drain on your resources.
“Windows NT [which includes XP and Vista] has a 'feature' called the registry. The registry contains practically all the information that lets windows act more or less intelligently in the face of clueless users [which is most users, no My Bestfriender how smart they might be [which is because Microsoft -tries- to keep users clueless which is a whole story on its own]].
“The registry gains new entries every time you change window settings, view settings, install programs, define [or 'associate'] filetypes with specific programs, and lots of other stuff too.
Since it is ultimately a database, it is very important that nothing ever corrupt the registry, or your computer will become useless.
“Unfortunately, since is is an -unsorted- database, any time windows needs to figure out how to respond to an event [such as you clicking on an icon] windows has to search the entire registry from top to bottom until it figures out what to do. Then it does what the registry says.
“The major flaw in this system is that at no time does the registry ever get sorted [and if it were, windows would still search the registry from top to bottom anyway] and the registry NEVER SHRINKS. It just keeps getting bigger [and harder for windows to sift through].”
And then back on the original topic...
I say: “On the note I lost track of before – our household makes a good deal of money, enough that we shouldn't be struggling so much; but my life since I've been born seems to be one crises after another. The major ones were the house fire, the recent economic crash, and at one point every appliance in the house seemed to die at once -- the furnace, the hot-water tank, the car, the thermostat, the vacuum; it was just insane, all in like a two month period. And my parents ended up filing bankruptcy a while back, and while I'm sure it helped, I never saw the improvement. And, of course, in recent years electric and gas bills just keep rising and rising (even though we've made a bunch of conscious efforts to bring those bills down: keeping the thermostat low, adding insulation to the house, adding insulated-siding to the house, changing to more efficient light-bulbs, using the air-conditioner very sparingly).”
Monday January, 12th 2008 at 3:33pm
So I got off of instant messenger with Miruna in order to go downstairs and help mom with a “project.” The project turned out to be clearing off one of the desks in the living room.
Why clear off the desk? (Besides the obvious – to have it clean!) Well, dad has been playing Civilization III again since he got his license taken away for drunk driving. He’s been supplementing his drinking and dancing with the video game, and I personally full-heartedly approve. It’s much more pleasant to walk by mom’s computer to see dad sitting at it playing Civilization III (a game I dearly love) than it is to walk by and to have a short conversation with mom about how much dad going out sucks. Not that this sort of conversation really takes place on a frequent occurrence... But...
There is dad’s drinking buddy who isn’t worth a lot of junk; and the two of them go to bars and drink and dance together, and according to my mom, it’s likely he’s been sleeping with other women. Hell if I know, hell if I want to know.
So, the reason for clearing off the desk is to move dad’s hunk-of-junk computer that My Aunt gave him once-upon-a-time to that desk, to hopefully install Civilization III. Of course, everything about that computer needs replacing, except perhaps the keyboard. The mouse is ancient (it doesn’t plug in with a USB port, and believe it or not, it’s not one of those green circular plugs with tons of pins either, but rather it looks like a monitor cord!) And besides being ancient, it sucks. The mouse barely moves, it’s on one of those dumb balls you have to clean all the damn time. So the first thing that needs doing is to replace it with a laser mouse.
Second, a flat-screen would be nice. The monitor weighs about sixty pounds (this is a complete guess, but I almost died carrying the thing down the stairs; if it had been only a pound or two heavier or just an inch bigger I couldn’t have managed it) and is huge. It’s got a sticker on it about “decreased infrared rays” and on this same sticker it says 1992. Yippy folks.
I didn’t really see his speakers, though I unplugged something that looked like a speaker cord from the back of his computer. I didn’t trace through the mess to figure out where it led to. The experience was depressing to no end and I couldn’t wait to get out of that room. It’s a terror-spot, it is. Socks flug every where way, tic-tacs and mints on the desk, matches, cigarettes, papers, pens and other assorted junk all piled on top of his keyboard; and a little pewter wizard I gave him several Christmases ago... There is no chair in front of his desk, just a mound of stuff, and a corner of a bin sticks out at about sitting-height, so I perched on it while I tried to extract the ancient monstrosity from his desk.
Speaking of his desk, I never even noticed what the desk itself looked like. It was too buried in junk. I did notice that he has shelves painted to patch the wall color against the wall on his side of the room, and yet mom doesn’t. This means my mom built him shelves – which he now has cluttered with junk – and she didn’t build any for herself (undoubtedly a cross between lack of money and time.)
Also hurtful was that both sides of the room are in equal disarray. Dad’s side has pants and suit pieces, old gifts and shirts, socks and underwear, books and computer stuffs, papers and discs and who-knows-what-else whereas mom’s side just looks like a mound of semi-feminine clothing piled atop a dresser and a little side table with a light, chap-stick, reading glasses and the last six books she’s read.
The horror. The dread. The memories and the pain and the guilt and the regret and the depression and the desperation and pleas of mercy and forgiveness and help just permeate the air of the room. I might prefer a hell-mouth. (Excuse the terrible Buffy-reference, I’m re-watching the series. Please no spoilers, I barely remember what happens and I’m only on season one, episode four at the moment.)
So that was hell. I carried the system down stairs; took three trips. I set it up, got it plugged in (easier said than done of course) and then the damn thing won’t start and I don’t have a clue why. Some of the parts within the tower itself are probably still good, it’s likely possible to replace the processor, add ram and perhaps a second hard-drive rather than buy a new computer. The only problem with that is that buying a new computer would cost about the same amount; though that’s only if we’re talking about a state-of-the-art bran-new processor, hard-drive and ram slot and talking a decent newish computer that can run Civilization III (which is any newish computer.)
It may just be as well to just buy a computer that came out sometime in the past two years if we can find one for under $500. Hell if I know where the money will come from since my mom owes me money and won’t be paying me back in full until likely the end of march. And I certainly won’t take dad getting a new computer as payment. So, if this old-junk can be made to work for some quick fixes at some shop than that may be the best solution for now. My Boyfriend will likely take a look at it tonight. It’s probably clogged with dust for starters.
Boy does that old thing make this lovely laptop look like a god.

Gaming Buddies

2009-01-06T17:17:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January, 6th 2008 at 3:08pm

Ashley asks; “If you had to pick six experiences in your life that you feel are directly related to who you are now and/or your development they would be...?”
I might have to draft this out just to get a good answer; some of my first thoughts: My Crazy “Ninja” Ex putting a gun to my head, the house fire, My First Love breaking up with me, the time I got into a car with a stranger and he threatened me, the time my dad brought me ‘Justin’ the teady-bear from Lee’s house (where My First Love was staying) after the break-up, the time I climbed out the window and couldn’t get back in, the first time I cheated, the “alien abduction” with my aunt Mary, my first real meditation, the meditation with My First Love where he knew what I was “thinking” and “doing” without having any way of knowing through normal explanations, the first meditation with Tre, the walk I had with My Cool Girlbuddy and My Bestfriend the first time the three us of went out to Tift Farms and the Beach, the road trip with my dad... Damn that’s a lot. But are my top six in there or should I keep searching?
The “alien abduction” with Mary is certainly one of them. My First Love breaking up with me is for certain one of them; probably the first one. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex putting a gun to my head has to be on there so I have three so far. Meeting My Boyfriend and realizing I’m not alone for real for the first time might have to go on this list; but I don’t exactly remember the moment or event that triggered it; I think it came with time. That’s four. The road trip really ought to go on there – I did learn a lot, but was that experience essential to the person I am now?
Seeing Chuck cry was pretty deep for some reason. Seeing someone I thought of as shallow and immature and one-sided so upset really made me realize how deep each individual is; even when you don’t think very highly of them. I don’t think any of my sexual experiences in particular were profound except perhaps the cheating because of how much the guilt affected me and how I still dream about cheating and that awful feeling. I’m not sure there is a worse feeling.
Another key event was one particular night I was smoking with Tre, and we were just talking and I suddenly came to regret losing my virginity in a fling for the first time. I was sixteen at the time, so it was a full four-years after the fact, but the hurt was so deep and I cried so hard and I wrote a long entry about it the next day.
#1: [10/27/04] The most crucial event to my development of a person would have to be my first love and his leaving me. I’m surprised I don’t know the date off-hand, but I feel inspired to look it up... Well then, I found the date via my awesome-blog.
When My First Love left me I realized that before him I had no particular goal, and that becoming the best girl-friend possible to be to him had become my goal over the course of our relationship. Being good to him made me feel good about myself whereas “fucking up” made me feel terrible in a way I’d never experienced before. For My First Love I was willing to tame myself, teach myself, change myself, adapt myself into something better. After he left my goal only adjusted from being “the best girl for My First Love” into “the best girlfriend possible” which still to this day sticks with me.
Through that experience I gained much of my self-control, self-love, self-respect and gleaned a first glimpse of what’s truly important to me.
#2: I wish I knew the date, but I’d have to read my entire blog to figure it out. Telling the details would just make me seem like I’m either crazy or a liar. But to get the gist of it: My Aunt and I had a mutual experience that was bizarre to a degree beyond most people’s experience. The outcome left me believing things I would have never believed in had I not had that experience, and also giving me a solid foundation that can’t be argued against because of a solid shared experience.
#3: I can’t pinpoint a date for this one either because I’m not even sure if I wrote about it. I do know that it was either 2005 or 2006 because I was with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex at the time.
In conjunction with the event where My Crazy “Ninja” Ex put a gun to my head and with a lot of other things that happened between My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I there was a defining day where during an argument I stood up and really said what I felt. I stood up for myself even though I was physically weaker to an unimaginable degree. I stood up for myself despite how afraid I was of his reaction. That moment changed how I felt about standing up for my own dignity. Sometimes it has to be done; despite the risks.
#4: I think the first time I cheated would have to be next because of how severe the impact was. The guilt was immeasurable. I couldn’t keep it a secret. I couldn’t forgive myself. I have nightmares about cheating to this day. It was the beginning of my realization that I’m very loyal by nature. It took perhaps another ten experiences to really solidify that understanding of self – one of those experiences being the attempt at an open relationship with My Boyfriend.
#5: In the first few months I was with My Boyfriend; November 2006 to around March of 2007 I came to many conclusions and had many experiences that directly impact who I am now. One of the biggest breakthroughs was realizing I’d met someone “like myself” and that person being My Boyfriend. When we shared our deepest fears, fantasies, guilt, passions, and thoughts we found likeness in each other in ways we’d never found in anyone else.
At about the same time I was throwing house parties which were gatherings of losers getting together to share drugs and germs. I realized that I didn’t need people like that in my life anymore, or that sort of behavior at the same time.
Those two experiences are hand-in-hand not only because of their chronological closeness but also their relevance to each other. I didn’t need “losers” in my life anymore because I’d found someone like myself. And that opened to door to understanding that I was not alone and therefor I did not need to pretend I was something I wasn’t just to be around people.
#6: While many of the other things on my drafting list had a deeper impact or meaning at the time, my sixth choice is based on the wording of the question. “...directly related to who you are now...” Of all of the things I’ve thought of, the most relevant experience on my list is traveling to Tift Farms and the beach with My Bestfriend and My Cool Girlbuddy.
For one thing, I’d been missing being in nature for a long time and was feeling like there was no where I could go within driving distance to experience nature. Well, I was proved wrong on that note. Beyond that I had already come to the conclusion that having friends was not something I wanted or needed anymore. I decided that all I wanted or needed was one mate who’d be perfect for me. Why do I need more than one person anyway?
I also had previously believed that having more people in your life leads to having more problems and unhappiness. I believed that for good reason. In my past, it has been that way. But that day was so peaceful, reflective, innocent, happy... At the time I thought; “It rarely feels this good to be around My Boyfriend anymore.” And that really changed my perspective. It’s really about the sort of people you have in your life, not the number of them at all. I believe you can be happy with just one other person just as much as you can be happy with many people now. (And likewise just as unhappy.)
Ashley asks; “Is just not feeling up to the drive and whatever else would've gone on a good enough reason to not have come to buffalo today? (In your own opinion.)”
I reply; “I sometimes don't do things just because I don't feel up to the trip itself. I'd like to go see My Bestfriend at the cardshop, but I don't feel up the cold and the drive myself. I also don't feel up to seeing other people who might be at the cardshop. Those are probably the two real reasons I didn't decide to go, but I told myself that my reasons were that the car isn't legal right now, and that I just saw My Bestfriend yesterday and because I'd probably just be ignored if I went anyway.
“I don't let myself get away with feeling like that's okay though. I make sure to remind myself I'm being lazy. Of course, the other problem is that if I did go I'd feel guilty for not staying home and working on my novel and art – then again I have not worked on either yet today. But I'm having lots of interesting conversations.”

Wednesday, January, 7th 2008 at 4:45pm

A gaming friend writes me:
Phoenix,
Heh, be careful, you ask deep questions and you're going to get a long letter. Here goes...
In conclusion, I like the indirect conflict inherent in many euros (I especially enjoy auction games because of their push your luck aspect), and while I sympathize with your frustration at discovering you did get enough VP's (and many games encourage you to keep your VP's secret), in multi-player games I'm perfectly happy to score 2nd or 3rd. Dead last is a bit humiliating, but for some reason watching yourself be overrun in a direct confrontation is more frustrating. Mostly it's just hard when you lose because of your own mistakes, which seem stupid in retrospect. I like wargames, but 90% of them are 2 players, so I like the head to head matchup, and I don't have to worry about being ganged up on.
Relationships are rather personal, but let me see if I can shed a little light on my recent experiences. You have to understand that I was a later bloomer, I never dated in high school or college, and Kattie was only my second girlfriend, Jessica being the first. (I think you met Jessica at a few game nights in 2007). I know, 2 girls in 2 years, it seems like a flood to someone who was so used to drought.
Does it surprise you that we met online? Purely by happenstance. My aunt gave me 2 tickets to the orchestra and with no friends available I posted on My Mentor slist's "strictly platonic". Kattie was the first to reply, which is lucky, cause I think most of the other replies were older guys. But I think online is
one of the few places we could meet because we have almost nothing in common. At first we were just casual acquaintances, the few attempts I made early on to hang out with her were stymied by her crazy work schedule. Then she left for Seattle for six months in 2007. We started seeing a little more of each other this spring, and when she asked me if I'd like to go to Chicago for a weekend (to see her niece) I jumped at the road trip opportunity. I had a blast, nothing like 20 hours in the car to make you get to know someone.
I haven't had a lot of dates in the past few years, and combined with low self-esteem, I was excited by the prospect of having a relationship. My relationship with Jessica the previous year hadn't gone so well, (she was a geek, but rather hard to get along with) and in comparison Kattie was sweet and kind and understanding. I knew from the start that we didn't have a lot in common, but I wanted to grab onto the train and enjoy the ride.
We had some great times together, and I treated her as good as I could. But I didn't anticipate her falling in love with me, which she slowly did. The fact that I couldn't say "I love you" back became an issue. There wasn't anything about Kattie in specific that I was blinded to, I'd like to think I went in with
my eyes open. I tried to ignore our differences and just concentrate on what we did enjoy doing together. But it was talk of marriage and long-term commitment that finally scared me and made me realize that we had very different idea of where the relationship was going. Breaking it too her was hard, but the longer I waited, the worse it would be.
By the end the more time I spent with her, the more I felt like I was taking advantage of her affections, unable to pay back the debt. I was careful never to promise long-term commitment, but with a history of sub-par boyfriends, I think she assumed that my affections and endearments meant that I was committed to us for the long term. And just so you know, I do care for her, and am very grateful for everything we had, but I don't think I loved her. I'm not exactly sure what romantic love is yet, I've had crushes before, and several infatuations, but I'm not sure I've had the real thing.
Right now my problem was that my deep uncertainty about myself, my career, and my direction in life made this a bad time for commitment. And to be honest, I knew from early on that we were too different to be compatible for the long term. I have a lot more education and am much more well read, Kattie never understood what I did at work. We had different interests, I try not to drink much, so I wasn't very comfortable the few times I went with her to bars. She did enjoy playing some board games with me, but didn't share my interests in Sci-fi or Fantasy. We had opposite musical tastes. But mostly the lack of education meant that our conversations were pretty shallow. But she was very kind, and loving and good to me, and especially compared to the regular verbal abuse I suffered from Jessica, those are qualities I'm very grateful for. We never argued or fought, (sometimes that worried me at the end) but we did get along together very well. Kattie says I won't know until later what I'm giving up, and maybe she's right, but I have a deep feeling I have to search for more.
Even now, I feel guilty and responsible. Maybe I was unfairly using her, I tried to cover up my worries by making sure she was enjoying herself as much as possible. Maybe I should never have started dating her in the first place. But how can you know for certain at the start of a relationship how it will end? I'm very grateful for the experiences we had together, and I hope that I showed he that she deserves a man who can treater her at least as well as I did.
So what do I want? I'm still trying to figure that out. To be honest, the last two relationships were partially done just to see if I could, which isn't a very good reason. But I do get nostalgic about all the women I knew in college, especially when I saw how many of my classmates have hooked up at our 5th year reunion. It's true, my college had some very smart students.
Sure every geek would probably love to meet a bombshell blonde who also loves Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons. But if I learned anything from my last two relationships it's that looks aren't that important to me. Kattie was pretty and knew how to dress well, (Jessica less so), but both of them were admittedly large girls. I think my father is right that we should look for someone similar to yourself. I'd like to meet someone well educated, who enjoys reading, and hopefully also shares some of my geek interests (movies, books, games, tv shows). I'd forgotten how much fun it is to geek out with someone who is on the same wavelength. I don't mean to be elitist or aloof, but I am a child of intellectuals, both with Ph.D.'s, and I'd like to meet someone who can really challenge and inspire me. Physical attraction is just icing on the cake. Most of all, I don't want to feel like I'm settling for less.
So I hope that answers some of your questions. I'm thinking of leaving Buffalo soon, so I'm going through a period of soul-searching and self-doubt, trying to figure out what I want, and what's important to me. It's not easy. In the past I've procrastinated on answering the difficult questions, and looking at my peers I've come to regret my somewhat directionless lifestyle. Maybe I hold myself to too high standards, but I keep feeling I should do more.
I'm guessing you might be asking me these questions because of uncertainty about your own relationship? Given my lack of experience, I'm certainly not qualified to offer romantic advice. But you and Cor seem to have rather different interests, and I'm reminded that as people change sometimes relationships don't last. Maybe you guys are right for each other, but you're young enough that I don't want you committing too early. Most of my friends and family didn't get married until their late 20's. I just want to remind you that you're a very bright and outgoing young woman, and I see a lot of promise and opportunity in your future. I truly believe that we can do anything, it's just a My Bestfriender of wanting it enough. (and being an intellectual I believe that it's education and learning that is the key to success.) I'm just not quite sure what I should be wanting...
Anyway, pardon me if I overstepped my bounds. I understand that everyone has their own path in life. I have a great respect for you and your mother (who seems to carry the world on her shoulders). I like writing long letters, and explaining myself has been cathartic. I've only talked about the breakup to a few people. So thanks for giving me the opportunity.
Peace
P.S. Despite telling me I'd never hear from her again, Kattie wrote me on Friday asking if we could "just be friends". So while I want to avoid getting her hopes up, I hope to keep in casual contact in the future.
I write My Gaming Friend back:
Hey!
Long letters are good things you know; they don’t bother me in the least. Especially when someone takes the time to write me a personal one. Copy and pasted articles and such I’m not so fond of; unless perhaps the article is quoted in linked within a personal letter that mentions why I’d be interested, you know? Anyway, that’s a complete side topic with no relevance at all.
I grew up with several games where it’s possible to gang up on another player; such as conquest, risk, and monopoly. These games test your diplomacy and make a cut-throat game play a bad strategy because it makes everyone go for you. It’s made me learn to play very defensively and try as little as possible to disrupt other people. Towards the end everyone has been busy beating on each other in one way or another that I’m sitting there with all the resources. Of course, this technique requires being backed up by good game play, but since I’m accustomed to it I rather enjoy it. It gives me an excuse to be a diplomat.
If you’d ever played a sort of game like that with me then you’d undoubtedly hear me say things like “you wouldn’t really want to attack me would you? After all, what have I ever done to you? I’m just sitting here all peacefully.” I really do seriously say things like that, and mean it too.
I don’t mind coming in second place really, I don’t really mind losing in general when it’s my own fault. Then I know I can do better next time. It’s when I lose because a game has no balance or strategy involved that I get annoyed. Then I feel like I wasted my time and effort on the roll of a die; you know what I mean? Sometimes it can be frustrating if you only lost because of a bad first move, but that’s usually only when you play a game for the first time, in which case I don’t really expect to win anyway.
That’s the one part of dominion that seems broken to me; the part where you can have an amazing deck that lets you buy all sorts of cool things, and yet the other person somehow managed to buy the last province before you. In my own print-out version I’m very likely to transform the game; I mean, I couldn’t just make the same thing could I? How fun and artistic and creative would that be?
Firstly, I’m not surprised you have not had a lot of relationships; in general, guys seem to have had less relationships than women (how that makes sense I don’t know – since it theoretically should be equal. Perhaps girls count more relationships that guys? Perhaps lots of girls are dating other girls? Perhaps every girl all dated the same guy?), especially when we’re talking under twenty-five.
I, on the complete other end of the scale, was a very early bloomer. I was (literally) trying to get laid by the time I was eleven. And was successful just before I turned thirteen. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I’ve met a few people I first talked to online. The first was sort of a counselor to me when I was eleven. He was twenty years older than me, and I didn’t tell him that when we were first talking. In our first conversation (due to my impeccable typing and word choices) he believed I was around twenty-seven. His estimate had dropped to about eighteen by the time I really told him how old I was. He was so upset that at first he thought I was lying, then he switched to not talking to me, then after a long time I convinced him to start talking to me on the phone; and like that I ended up with a very helpful and loving guide who was out of the picture. We actually ended up meeting with my parent’s approval. In more recent times I met a female friend who is a couple years younger than me; and that went well enough. I also attempted a sort of date with a guy who lives in Rochester and that was... Bland at best.
I completely understand the whole “this one is so different, so they have to be perfect!” thing that happens when getting into a relationship. I speculated very hard for the first three months what My Boyfriend and I could ever possibly argue about. By that time I knew well enough that the love-high wouldn’t last, and the sweetness would fade, and only if we were lucky would we still be able to like or love each other after two years. But in the beginning you see nothing but how much better and how much more wonderful they are than what was previous. My Boyfriend was neat whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was messy. My Boyfriend was interested in art, whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was into martial arts. My Boyfriend could relate to the things I’d felt, whereas My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was the sort of guy who used to pick on girls like me back in grade school.
I’m conflicted as to whether I’m happy that you went in “with your eyes open” or whether that makes me sad. Perhaps this is why women always seem to have had more relationships than men. Men don’t fall in love with every woman they date, but it seems as though women almost invariably do; given enough time. If you had loved her, the relationship probably would have taught you a lot more than it did, which brings me to my next thought.
I was just discussing with My Cool Girlbuddy yesterday how the development of one area of ourselves is almost invariably limiting the development of another area. There is nothing wrong with that of course, it’s natural, and specialization in the various industries is what has allowed humans to come so far as a race. However, when it comes to relationships there is a lot to be learned; and likewise a lot to be missed. I, being an early bloomer, and in addition being a lonely child, became rather sex-hungry and desperate. This, was in many cases, a bad thing; but it did bring me a lot of experience unusual for my age. I’ve been infatuated more times than I can count, in more relationships than I’d like to mention, slept with more guys than I’m proud of, and had all sorts of unsightly labels stuck on my head.
But, I’ve been in love three times, and had three two-year relationships that have defined me as a person and given me everything that I live by (aside from my parents of course). How do I know I was really in love each of these times? For one, break-up is difficult. It’s not easy on either side when love is involved; in fact, when both people are still in love than a real break-up doesn’t actually happen. Sure, you may move out, you may stop talking as often, you may start dating other people, but like in the case of my first love – we didn’t really break up until I fell in love again which was around two and half months after the official break-up. So, that’s one way to know it was genuine.
Another way to tell if it was real love is that you’d never feel guilty about them doing something for you. Which is why I’d say you weren’t. You felt like you were taking advantage of her towards the end, and if you really loved her then you would feel blissfully happy when she did things for you because it would make you happy that she was returning your love back to you. (This of course can be distorted and complicated for people who don’t believe they deserved to be loved by anyone.)
Of course, there is no absolute definition of love, and there is no amount of words that can perfectly sum up love as a whole, but I think that one particular love between two people can usually be well explained in a poem or sonnet if thought about carefully enough. My conclusions have been thus: Love is a so broad that each love in completely unique and not easily compared with previous or future loves; love itself is not painful but will undoubtedly result in much misery; the misery that comes as a result of love is always worth it; love between two people is more than the sum of it’s parts; love can conquer all, but rarely does.
Also, if you do experience true love, you’ll know. It’s like an orgasm; you can’t miss it. Just like you can’t forget how to ride a bike. At the very, very least, you know you love someone truly when they’re gone.
I may be very biased, but I think from my very subjective perspective that your “deep uncertainty” about yourself, your career and “direction in life” are almost a direct result of not ever having been truly in love. One thing I’ve started noticing since my first heart-break is the importance of your first heart-break. It makes you an adult in a way that few other things can. I believe there are only a small selection of experiences that make people grow up, and heart-break is almost always the first: your first baby, the death of your parents, war, and, as I said, your first-love breaking your heart.
For me, I have not experienced any of the first three, so I can’t speak much on those (thankfully.) After discussing this topic at length with a number of people I’ve come to a number of conclusions about the significance of the end of your first real love. For one; it’s devastating. If you’ve never felt suicidal over a woman before, then you likely have never been in love with one. Anyone who doesn’t understand why you would feel suicidal over a relationship, probably has never been in love deeply enough to go through the experience I’m referring to. While the depth of the realizations that occur vary depending on the person and the duration of the relationship; there is always the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore when separated from your first love. It seems over-played in the movies, but often I believe it’s played down.
At one particular time after My First Love left me (in 2004) I was with my mother and my cousin. I wasn’t very close to my cousin, so you know, crying and such would be very inappropriate and likely make him uncomfortable. My mom told me to do something, and while I was trying to hold it together, I found it impossible. She pressed on, unaware of my distress and I ended up screaming at her (through instant tears) “I don’t want to live anymore.” And when I say screaming, I really mean screaming. I’m not sure there are many other times I’ve screamed that loud in my life. And that’s just one example of how effected I was personally. I’ve heard countless similar accounts and have become convinced that it’s not only normal, but healthy in it’s own way.
So, back to why I think this is reason for your uncertainty. After that, you’re independent in a new way. Sometimes that way isn’t always positive. (For My Boyfriend it resulted in two years of very dark depression in which he blocked out all affections of all kinds. In his case it actually caused damage to his psyche and world-view.)
While getting your heart crushed is a real confidence-bummer, being able to pick yourself back up again feels very revitalizing. It’s as if you’re reborn when you pick yourself back up. My second time around, after Tre, I had so much more confidence that it’s really quite amazing. I was timid about confrontations, completely lost in social situations and very much a hermit before Tre, and after, I was finally able to be a “full human” in my own words.
And now, on my third time around, I can’t say I’ve ever been more confident in myself, or that I’ve ever been more sure about where I am going and what I am doing now. Not that I have it all figured out, but that (for me) being in a relationship helps speed the process. I always have someone to bounce my ideas of off, no My Bestfriender how personal they are. I always have someone to cry to, no My Bestfriender how trivial my complaint. I always have someone to confess to, no My Bestfriender how large or small my fault. I think that’s vitally important, even if you find it in a friend instead of a relationship.
Back to what I said about how one area excels at the expense of another area. While I was developing my marital skills, most kids were learning how to be teens. Some got part time jobs, some partied a lot, some started life-long friendships, some got into trouble and learned many things the hard way. Whereas I learned about things you normally don’t learn about until your mid-twenties or so: like when your significant other likes less or more affection than you do; when they are cleaner or messier than you are; how to resolve clothing disputes and toilet-seat up or down; when to eat, when to not eat, what to eat, and where to eat (because in a relationship; suddenly all the stupid little things My Bestfriender); who to talk to, who to ignore, when to cancel, when to postpone (because priorities speak volumes when someone is in love with you); when to give-in and when to push back and even when to refuse to have sex and when to give in even though you’re not in the mood.
So, that is where I excel. I’m a master of relationships thus far in my life. I know how to carefully form my points and to bring them up at the right time and how to argue them out carefully and pointedly and when to shut-up already. You, however, I notice, are the small-talk-wizard. You always have something witty and border-line meaningful to say about the smallest little things. A talent I’d love to pick up. It’s very useful for gatherings of mixed company and for short conversations with people you barely know. I’m so used to long conversations that go on for hours and hours that I find summing up any of my thoughts in a short and concise way a bit tedious. (Heck, take this letter for example.)
Just as a by-the-by, in direct response to the things you said about your relationship with Kattie. My Boyfriend enjoys some board games, but not most. We have comparable educational levels; though that is often hard for him to admit since he’s been to college and I have not. One issue we’ve faced is getting him to acknowledge that I am just as intelligent and knowledgeable as he is, despite the seven-year age difference and his three years in college. We’re both fairly well-read though both of us are less-read than you would expect for all of the things that we know.
Corvier is very much into fantasy and sci-fi and that is one area we agree on almost perfectly. Though we’re lately have disputes about movies because I’m no longer interested in watching movies that are particularly violent because I’m sick of having nightmares and violent thoughts. Our musical tastes are barely compatible in any area at all. It’s lucky we can agree on a very small genre of anime music.
But, the point I’m getting to is that none of that My Bestfrienders in the end. There are four things that My Bestfriender when it comes to if a relationship will work and if it should work: How much you love them, how much they love you, their priorities and your priories. When both of you agree that the other person is the first priority in their life above all else, with no exceptions what-so-ever and you also are both deeply in love, then a relationship will last; then it’s worth getting married. Because if those conditions are met, backgrounds, interests and everything else no longer My Bestfriender. Your interest in board games for example, comes second to your love for the right girl, therefor if she wants to cuddle and you want to play a game, then you’ll give in for her. And likewise, she should be equally willing to give up cuddling for the game she doesn’t really want to play. If you’re both equally willing to give in because the other person is a higher priority then your own want, then you’re home-free.
I make it sound easy, don’t I? Now try finding that person who you’re willing to put first, and just pray very hard they’re willing to do the same for you! That’s why My Boyfriend and I are still together: I’m very willing to put him first, and he is coming around slowly but surely.
As a last note on that thought; she said you didn’t know what you were giving up. She said that because she loves you; and she said that because she loves you dearly enough to be a very sweet wife and possibly is willing to put you first in her life. And while that’s beautiful and great, it’s not worth a whole heck of a lot if you can’t return it. I do hope you’re able to become friends.
Your father is right that you need to look for someone like yourself; because you won’t be willing to put that person first (nor will you fall in love with them in the first place) if you don’t relate and have a good time together as well as connecting on a deep level. Mort, a marital expert who gets paid a bundle to solve people’s relationship issues asks the question: “Where does love happen in your relationship?” It’s a very key question.
For me, love happens when: a deep conversation occurs, something is said that stirs a deep intellectual response within me or when I stir a deep intellectual response, when I’m deeply inspired or when I inspire deeply, when I’m cheered up after feeling very dreadful or when I cheer someone up, when I’m challenged in a friendly way, when I’m corrected, when I’m being taught something I’m enjoying learning or when I teach something I enjoy teaching, when mutually satisfying sex occurs (which happens when some of the other things I mentioned happen first), when I’m motivated to do something good and productive or when I motivate someone to do something good or productive, when I share a secret or something I feel guilty about or when I’m entrusted with a secret, when I am given or when I give a meaningful gift, when I am given or give a well-wrapped gift, when I give or am given a personal artwork, and so forth. Notice that love happens not only when you receive but when you give. And this is not just in romantic relationships, this is with all people, and even with things. When a thing inspires you, like a car, or a computer, or an artwork, or nature, you fall more deeply in love with that thing. It can be very accurate when a person says; “I love my car.” What they really mean is; “I’ve invested in this car, and this car has done great things back for me. And over time, I’ve grown to really love our relationship.”
Mort talks about where love happens and how to increase your love; not how to solve your problems; because love is the only thing that will solve your problems. I find this to be very deeply true. (Notice I keep using the word “deep” – It’s almost comical, but really, I’m serious.)
As I was writing that list of things that make love happen I realize that the level of “love” I feel towards every person I know can be easily measured by the number of times we have shared those experiences. I suppose, I could say that I love you. Not in a mushy way of course. I don’t think most people would define how I feel about you as love at all, but when you teach me board games I do feel a connection with you as well as the game, and that connection is love; even if it isn’t romantical or fantastical or something that is commonly acknowledged. I bet that if Kattie enjoyed learning how to play games with you, that you and her would have experienced a very deep connection through the learning, teaching and competing process. I know that I feel that way when My Boyfriend and I play games together; and in fact, all of the people I’ve played board games with in my life are people I care about much more than most everyone (with a few exceptions) I have not played games with.
I notice that I love my mother much more than my father because many of those things on the list apply to my mom hundreds of times over whereas only a few of the things on my list apply to my father. I think it might help clear up your direction in life if you write down the things that make love happen for you. I’m guessing you’ll find your list very similar to mine.
While I find it hard to date someone or even look at someone in “that” light if I don’t find them attractive, I agree that looks are just not very important at all. Mainly I can’t date someone or think of them in that light if they look unhealthy to me, and fat is unhealthy in ninety-nine out of one-hundred cases or less, so that is something very difficult for me to get past. When I do grow to care about someone who is overweight I find it increasingly difficult to be around them without plastering them with health advice; hence I find it difficult to befriend overweight people.
Ha, I’m the bombshell blonde! I rock! Except that I’m not blonde. I wish I knew how damn cool I am back when I was younger. My standards were low, along with my self-esteem. I didn’t think well of myself and it showed. Now, I can honestly say I rock to no end. I’m a one-of-a-kind catch, and let me tell you, if My Boyfriend ever forgets it I won’t hang around anymore. I finally understand my own worth for the first time in my life. There are thousands (probably millions) of intelligent guys out there just dying for a woman like me, and I really don’t think it’s fair that there are not more women out there who can truly compensate.
Healthy, attractive, intelligent and creative women are as rare as diamonds, or even more so. I’ve met very few in my life, and I’ve heard a number of reports concurring that I’m one of two or three that most people have met. I suppose this is something I should remember writing the next time I feel depressed. It sounds very egotistical indeed, but it’s also very soothing to know that I’m a loved and desired person. It’s really two entirely different things to be a loved person than it is to feel like a loved person, and at the moment I really feel very loved.
I’m glad you got the chance to get all of that out on paper. I make it very ritual to get all of my feelings and thoughts out at least either to My Boyfriend or in my blog. If not both.
On a slightly different topic, I think we know each other a lot better now, and on a much less superficial level. I’m much better at being intellectual and “deep” on paper than I am in person. Perhaps some of the things I say and my attitudes will make more sense to you now: I know that the things you have revealed to me make your actions much more clear in retrospect.
Love, (in a strictly I-like-playing-board-games-with-you friendly sort of way)
Atara

PS: You thought your letter was long. You wrote me two pages I wrote you back five!

Wednesday, January, 7th 2008 at 9:27pm

I cleaned for two hours, ate green pepper and nuts, talked to My Boyfriend on the phone, talked on IM for about an hour, googled my name and removed some unsightly things from the web, wrote on my novel for an hour, reviewed My Bestfriend's anime list, created my own anime list, downloaded a movie, watched an episode of Gunslinger girl while eating an apple and cheese, exercised for about ten minutes, and organized a bunch of random stuff in the craft room.

Dear Phoenix,
Thanks for writing back, I appreciate you writing in such depth. It's been a while since I gotten such a long letter. I just want to respond to a few points.
I understand all about convincing other players to ignore you and attack each other. I'm just not very good at it. And prefer to win because of strategizing as opposed to my powers of persuasion. I agree that luck can be annoying at the end of a long game, that's why I prefer heavy amount of luck only in quick games. But even with luck I believe that in general better players will win more of the time. And I like luck or chaos in my games to make me believe I might just win, even against a better strategist. Pure strategy games like chess are too intense for me.
As for Dominion I know that drawing the last card to win is annoying. An easy way to counter that is to keep playing after someone ends the game, until everyone has had the same number of turns. Just keep track of the starting player. Sure you may only be able to buy estates and duchies after I've snagged all the provinces, but at least we all got the same number of turns. I should get some benefit for snagging provinces faster than you.
As to general dominion strategy, I though you'd like this. Copied from BGG, here's an overview of the five layers of Dominion:
First layer: players learn the rules and start playing with a few cards just to see how they work.
Second layer: players become familiar with the various cards and their mechanics. They develop preferences for certain cards and begin to have a strategy in mind.
Third layer: players experiment with certain combinations of cards. (The Smithy is better if you can play a Village first. Or the Remodel will let you turn a Gold Treasure directly into a Province. Etc).
Fourth layer: players now start to think about making their deck efficient. (Buying too many action cards doesn’t work. Buying victory points too early clogs up your deck; waiting too long for VP’s is dangerous too. Buying treasure is good, but a few actions will help grease the wheels.)
Fifth layer: players finally start to think of their deck in relation to what others are building. It isn’t good enough to build well; you have build faster than the other player. If possible, you want to throw some sand in his gears.
Anyway enough about games. I've been obsessed with them of late, I think, as a way of forgetting about more important issues. Cause the truth is in My Bestfrienders of life and love, little wooden cubes seem kinda small in comparison.
Some people have lots of partners, some few, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are compensating for me. I wish them all the pleasures of unwanted children and STD's (not to mention heartbreak). I used to angst a lot about being a virgin cause I thought I was missing out on something big, now I realize that sex isn't that big a deal. It's love that we're all searching for, and that's a lot more complicated.
I disagree with your gender stereotypes, but I understand where you're coming from. I've been a lot of guys and girls and it's hard for me to generalize.
I think Kattie is right that I wouldn't let myself fall in love with her. To be more blunt I saw a lot of futures for the two of us, and I didn't like where we were going. Cause in the end there are things more important to me than her. And I didn't lose them.
When I was in high school I was friends, and later had a crush on, a very smart beautiful girl who senior year had 3-4 boyfriends. I thought she slept around, and it hurt me to not be able to be one of those guys. Smart as she was, she played things a little too close to the edge, and had to drop out of college.
But now, years later, she's doing great, in a Ph.D. program for Math at MIT, and seems happy. And it turns out she wasn't half as gregarious (wrong word) in high school as my teenage mind imagined. So we all mistakes as teenagers, and that's okay.
I don't think you need heartbreak to be an adult, but if it helps you re-evaluate your life and grow up, then I suppose it can be useful. And midlife crisis (and quarterlife crisis, what I might be going through) show that even adults have periods of self-doubt.
Before I came to Buffalo I knew an amazing girl, I met her at a science fiction convention, and only knew her for a few months. I was smitten, and I don't know if it was love or infatuation, but I was head over heels for her. She liked me, but she couldn't return my feelings, so it's hard for me to judge quite what I felt. She taught me a lot and reminded me what a broken heart felt like. I had no claim to her, but even now I look back at the memories with regret and longing and just a bit of jealousy. Maybe it's the ones you only have for a short time that you miss the most. So I know something about broken hearts. Why do you think I was so eager to run towards the first person who seemed attracted to me? Not a rebound exactly, but I probably had a bit of a chip on my should, something to prove to myself.
I certainly understand all the benefits of having a partner and someone you can depend on. But I'm a feminist and liberal at heart, and I believe that men and women should be happy and confident on their own before they go looking for a partner. I know that relationships are about co-dependency, but I was raised that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". I know plenty of friends and family who happy living single lives, including my great-aunt worked until 84 as a scientist at the University of Iowa and never married. As a champion of independence, I worry a bit that you feel you need a guy to be happy. And that's probably also why I worry about "settling for less", if I don't "need" a partner
than I should aspire for the best. Heh. I'll let you know when I'm 40 how that's working for me.
I'm glad you have developed all those important relationship skills. It was easier for me to enjoy being with Kattie partially because we only saw each other once or twice a week, so the time we spent together was special. Certainly co-habitation requires more work, and I worry that some of my ticks would get on her nerves. (whoever her is) I'm sure that one way or another in the next 10 years you'll learn about living independently, cooking for yourself, etc. etc.
Thanks for the compliment, I like to talk, but it's also one of my faults. I drove several friends at college nuts by talking too much, or too loudly, and I have a great fear of being ostracized by my peers, because it's happened before. (but that's a topic for another day) I call myself an introverted extrovert because I act all friendly and outgoing, but I'm actually often lonely and have difficulty going out, or building relationships with people.
I'm glad you and My Boyfriend share similar interests. I just noticed some tension, when he blows you off occasionally. But I certainly don't see you guys very often, and it's not my place to pass judgement. The important thing is that you're happy.
We all sacrifice for our partners, doing things the other prefers, although in a perfect world we'd be exactly the same, and always agree. And that would be very boring. I like the differences, they're what inspire me to go our of my comfort zone and try new things. I wouldn't have dressed up and gone bar hopping on Halloween if it wasn't for Kattie, I would have stayed home and been boring.
I have noticed that often one person sacrifices more than the other, or maybe one person loves the other more. And probably we shouldn't measure this, because it's probably always changing in a relationship, relative to how much attachment we have, or how much we take the other for granted. Of course it's easy to criticize from the peanut gallery. As long as you both have similar ideas of
your future together, you should be okay.
I really like your paragraph about inspiration. It's a wonderful thing. The right partner can definitely inspire you to be a better person. One of my problems recently is that I haven't felt really inspired for a while, I'd probably be a lot happier if I felt convinced I should do one thing. Instead I
float around in a sea of blah, searching for solid land I can build on.
Sure, there's many kinds of love. I love playing games with you, you're a mentally stimulating opponent, you inspire me to bring out my "A" game. I also love the way you are curious and kind enough to try out new games. I get excited by intellectual curiosity, and I think gaming is a good to exercise your brain. I'm grateful for all the fun evenings we three have spent together.
Mmmm, yes I noticed that health was a sensitive topic for you. I think a lot of overweight people know they are out of shape, and should be healthier, but I think the last thing they need is a sermon, especially from a pretty girl who's a stick. I know you mean well, but personal health, like religion and politics, is a rather touchy topic, and something I wouldn't bring up with casual acquaintances. I understand where you're coming from, but I remember some game parties when you were a little hard on some of my guests.
You are an pretty cool girl, and I'm glad you feel good about yourself. Let me know if you ever need your ego inflated. On a personal note, I am glad that I know you a little better, as more than just "Ruth's daughter". I get a better idea where you're coming from. I too am much better at writing than saying. I learned this the hard way during breakups. I can write cracker-jack letters, but garble my speeches. It's really nice to be able to write to someone on a more personal level. I have a lot of casual friends in Buffalo, but very few that I open up to.
I know I seem confident on the outside, and certainly have a lot backing me, but underneath it all, I am prone to bought of depression and insecurity. I worry a lot about not having enough friends, or enough of a social circle. The slightly lonely childhood, and worrying you're not cool enough. It's all tied in with being a geek. (clearly I should have been seducing young girls at age 12) But it's hard, when you get the lonely feeling, so it's certainly nice to have someone who you can talk to honestly and frankly. So thanks.
Peace,
My Gaming Friend (who usually gets sappy when writing long emotional letters)

You're Wrong, I'm Wrong, We're All Wrong

2009-01-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

December, 24th 2008 at 9:01am

Mom sent me:
“It's like he's literally purposely ignoring my point just to say that I'm wrong,” I said.
“Unfortunately, nearly all men do that. Women too, but not as pointedly. For a man, winning is everything, never-mind the logic. For a woman, the logic is the most important,” Mom says.
“And it hurts so much to stand so alone in what I believe in, on top of standing alone physically as well,” I said.
“It’s what we all do, in the end. You have to believe in and fight for what you think is right, but live in the real world,” Mom says.
“In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't My Bestfriender what anyone else thinks, says, or does. What's important is what you believe and how strongly you believe in it,” Will said.
“Will is right,” Mom says.
“I can't really blame him for not wanting to accept anything out of the framework of his ideas of the world, because I similarly reject what people are saying if it's outside my framework as well. We all do. We're all narrow-minded in our own subjective way. I hate how he pretends to be above narrow-mindedness, but of course I pretend the same. I suppose I can't blame the mirror of it's my reflection that is upsetting me, can I?” I said.
“My old refrain: you can take someone only one step. Even someone like My Bestfriend. People can't grasp a whole reality which is different from what they perceive it as,” Mom says.

Friday, January, 2nd 2008 at 1:00am

So I’m extremely late at reading that. Very comforting to reread what Will said actually. What’s important is what I believe and how strongly I believe it. I like that thought a lot.

Friday, January, 2nd 2008 at 8:07pm

“You could match up your volcanoes for future eruption,” says My Bestfriend. (We’re playing Taluva, but it was a hilarious statement.
“Stop quoting us and play the damn game,” Alex says to My Cool Girlbuddy because she’s quoting them too in her blog. It’s too funny.

Saturday, January, 3rd 2008 at 1:35pm

I’m about to teach my dad to play Starcraft. This should be interesting.

Saturday, January, 3rd 2008 at 12:48pm

Atara, if you post this entry I’m going to kill you. This entry is NOT for POSTING online.

It’s happening to me again; the same way it did when I was fourteen (or fifteen.) I feel so guilty that I have to write about it – perhaps then I can stop thinking about it. Of course, it’s occurred to me that I likely enjoy thinking about it, which is probably why I keep thinking about it.
I clearly have a crush on My Bestfriend. I’m intelligent enough to understand that it’s a crush, but I also know from experience all the places a crush can lead. It can become a one-nighter that’s regretted (which is impossible with My Bestfriend), or it can become a new relationship (which is impossible with My Bestfriend) or it could (in the past) cause me to be a cheater (which is impossible with My Bestfriend and would be highly regrettable and reproachful.)
I can’t act on it; but I’m terrified of what I’d do if I could! I’m supposed to be stronger than this now. I’m not supposed to be drawing lines as to what is and isn’t cheating. I’m not supposed to be thinking about him in that light. But I keep doing it.
I want to be My Bestfriend’s friend. I like being his friend. I have no reason to go any further with him. No reason at all. I have a boyfriend who I love; and it’s better that My Bestfriend is a friend. That means I can have both even though I can’t have both. You know?
But this obsession is going too far. God, My Boyfriend would kill me if he knew how aroused I get when I’m around My Bestfriend. I know and understand why. I’m psychologically wired in such a way that intelligence in some new man will make me wet all over the place. But could My Boyfriend take that and understand that in any such way that doesn’t piss him off?
Of course, it’s already gotten “better” than when I first met My Bestfriend. I generally don’t get so horny that I have to restrain myself around him anymore. No, I’m past that now. But that’s what’s beginning to worry me. I’ve actually moved on to a different phase... And this one might be worse. I keep desiring to be closer to My Bestfriend, and it doesn’t have to be in a sexual way even though I often imagine it that way. Not that I actually play out the sex in my mind – no, I’ve done that once or twice, but it’s not a frequent thing. It’s more that I keep imagining that first step; the kiss.
This sounds distinctly like a crush, doesn’t it? Something that will pass. I’m positive that I can move past this; but I hate knowing that I have to keep this from My Boyfriend. He’d never understand. And even if he did understand he’d still have right to be upset. In other words, it’s worth being upset about it, but it’s not worth leaving me over it and I’m not sure he’d see it that way, and beyond that, his actions, even if they don’t intend to separate us, likely would if he knew.
He knows I have a “crush.” I blushed when he referred to it as a crush, and he played it off like it was okay. Does that mean he trusts me? Does that mean he understands? I don’t know, but it makes me feel this strange feeling in my stomach and chest to think that he may. If he already gets it then I don’t have to feel so guilty; or do I?
Guilt is useless of course, but it’s also something that I can only relieve myself of through logic. And my logic says that I’m guilty. Because even if My Boyfriend understands how I feel, he doesn’t know what I’ve done.
Oh, I feel it’s dangerous to write this. It could be perilous to my relationship, but if My Boyfriend decided to read my business and figured out the password to this document as well, then I guess he’s meant to find out. The chances are slim at best of that happening; so why do I shiver like writing this down in tantamount?
It’s all about intentions. It’s all about what you wanted to happen. Not what actually happened. That’s why I feel so guilty. My Bestfriend won’t do anything with me. In fact, I wish he’d try so I could stop him and so I could tell myself that I’d have the control to. I’m so terrified that I wouldn’t. I’m so terrified that I’m shaking right now. I’m supposed to have self-control! I was past this years ago! Wasn’t I?
The shame... It leaks off me like sweat from a race-horse. I have no words for how bad I feel about what I’m about to commit to this screen. What I’m about to put into digital information. What I want noone to read and yet what I feel I have to expose somewhere. It must be shared with some other location than my mind so that I can stop feeling so heavy. This weight on my chest is so constricting.
Let’s start small shall we? At the New Years Eve party at Asa’s house... I placed my sock-clad toes atop My Bestfriend’s sock-clad toes. I did this because I missed him; because I hadn’t seen him in so long. Innocent enough, right? But it’s my intent that’s so hurtful to my own morality. I wanted him to wiggle his toes, and to move his foot back against mine. I wanted to feel more of him but I couldn’t. I wanted to hug him, to touch him, to kiss him... God, will I ever stop thinking about kissing him?
I do love My Boyfriend’s lips. It’s not that his are inadequate. It’s not that. It’s that... Oh, the confession! It’s that My Boyfriend himself shows inadequacy. His sex is good. His looks are perfect for my taste. His art is beautiful. But those are just the surface; his mind and how we interact are key. And I hate to admit this... But the truth is that the way we interact doesn’t fully fulfill me and I feel like it should. Like if it did, then I wouldn’t need any friends at all. The problem is... That anyone who can fill a gap inside me that My Boyfriend leaves behind... That person might have power over me that could be dangerous.
Just now... Just now My Bestfriend called me; he left his laptop here last night. He came to pick it up. He hugged me. It felt so good. I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t; but I touched his hair. I looked into his eyes and I saw someone I love. I love him at as a close friend; but I desire more. I’m not in love with him in that romantic way, but I know it wouldn’t be so hard to. I know that I could.
If My Boyfriend were to confess that he felt this way about another woman... I’d be so heartbroken. I’d cry and cry and cry. I feel close to tears just thinking about how upset I’d be. I’d undoubtedly curl up on his chest in a ball of tears moaning “mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine... You’re mine!” I know how devastated I would feel, even if he were to add “but I still want to be with you, I don’t want to act on these feelings.”
But there is the catch; intellectually I feel it would be best not to act on these feelings but emotionally I feel like it would feel so good. Of course, I know it wouldn’t. It would feel amazing if I were single, but I’m not single. I’m with My Boyfriend; and if I were to cheat on him I’d never forgive myself. In comparison, it doesn’t even My Bestfriender if he’d forgive me or not – because I couldn’t forgive me. I’d hate myself for it. I’d never let myself forget it. It would completely ruin me. I know that. I know that from experience. So, I would stop My Bestfriend if he were to come on to me! Wouldn’t I? Knowing how much I’d hate myself... I’d have to.
But what if I was so overcome with desire that I forgot? Oh Christ no! Luckily, My Bestfriend would never do that. But just thinking about my on control... My own intent. That’s what’s worrying me so badly. It’s my intent that’s scaring me.
You see; My Bestfriend believes that people need physical contact; though he himself doesn’t want to have sex for his own personal reasons. I’m sure he eventually will find the right girl and all of that; but I secretly wish to no end that he wanted me to be his first. Even if it never happened, I wish that he wanted to be me. Terribly selfish, I know.
So about that physical contact... My Bestfriend is okay with touching other guys that are his friends – often people think this means he’s gay. He has this friend Chris; and the two of them will lay all over each other if they’re tired. They hug. They have no personal space boundaries with each other at all. My Bestfriend says he wishes he could be like this with everyone. But while this is accepted between two single people, or two straight people of the same sex, it’s not very acceptable for someone like me, in a relationship, to “cuddle” with someone of the opposite sex... Especially not when I “want” to do more.
It started when we were watching a movie. We were sitting close together, but nothing was odd or noticeable about that. Nothing that wasn’t innocent or harmless...
The movie wasn’t hard to follow at all; it was a simple movie full of small subtleties. In other words; it was a good movie but it wasn’t epic and therefor it was easy to be distracted by how close he was to me. I moved closer. We sort of ‘fell’ into a position where his hand ended up on my leg. He didn’t “rub” me or anything like that, but I kept wishing that he would. I kept thinking about it. I was so aware of it the entire time. I liked it so much, and I feel so bad for liking it so much.
He told me later that he believed I was taking things the wrong way. That he believing being close was important because it helps people feel good about themselves, and he’s right, but it also arises feelings that were hard enough to ignore even beforehand.
Now, every time I see him I take advantage of the fact that I can touch him; especially because I know he won’t let me “cheat.” If I try, he’ll stop me. And the worst part is, that I have tried... Back when I was planning on leaving My Boyfriend I tried. Yes, it was different then because I didn’t expect to be staying with My Boyfriend anyway, but that doesn’t make it right; it just gives it an unworthy excuse.
I tried to kiss My Bestfriend on one of the days where I believed things were completely over between My Boyfriend and I. I didn’t believe that My Boyfriend was going to try or that he was going to turn over a new leaf like he has. And I tried very hard to get My Bestfriend to kiss me. I tried embarrassingly hard.
I curled up beside him, which My Bestfriend has no objection to. I put my arm around him; and he didn’t stop me from doing that either. And after talking for a long time I leaned in to kiss him, and he knows how I feel... How can he not? The way I behave makes it so obvious.
I said, “Why not?”
He said, “But wouldn’t you regret it.”
I said, “I’m not in a frame of mind where I care.”
I feel so ashamed of myself. I’m so glad he stopped me and reminded me that I’d regret it... But, I kissed his neck. I did so several times. He didn’t respond in any sexual way; as is typical for My Bestfriend. I’ve never noticed him getting an erection, or making a sexual comment, or anything even like that. It’s as if the guy is perfectly sexless; completely happy with his virginity. So odd, and yet so respectable. I envy him in a way.
He looked at me as if I were some sort of curious creature he didn’t understand that day. I felt absolutely ridiculous and yet couldn’t help pushing him as far as he’d let me go. I told myself I only wanted a kiss, and that if I’d get that I’d stop. But would I? What if he had let me? Would I have stopped? And if he wanted me, would I leave My Boyfriend for him? I shouldn’t.
Intellectually, I also know that’s a bad idea. My Bestfriend is a great guy, but if that were the case, I’d be his first love, and first-loves are no-nos. It would be doomed from the start. If I took his virginity and he fell in love with me there is no way it’d work on the first try. Sure, if he fell in love with some other girl, lost it to her, and then after years My Boyfriend and I break up, My Bestfriend and her break up, then sure, it’d be logical... It’d have to be years. But I think about that possibility a lot. I even hope for it sometimes, and I feel so bad for hoping for that.
At the same time, I hope my feelings change. I hope I get over this. I hope sometime in the near future I see My Bestfriend and he’s just a person, a good friend, but not an option. I want to stop seeing him in this light but I don’t seem to know how. But what if I can’t stop seeing him this way no My Bestfriender how long I try and wait? What if I fall in love with him in such a way where I’m stuck?
I suppose that’s another thing I fear about leaving My Boyfriend. I fear that I’ll attach myself to My Bestfriend, but that My Bestfriend won’t be able to reciprocate, and worse, if he does then we’ll just break up and then I won’t have his friendship anymore. It’s ridiculous to be thinking about all of this when I’m planning on staying with My Boyfriend. I’m intending on staying with My Boyfriend! So why am I even thinking about this?
I feel like a dirty person. Please tell me your honest thoughts on this Angel – I’m not ready to tell anyone else. I just had to tell someone. It’s too much to carry around by myself now. Perhaps you have an insight?

Monday, January, 5th 2008 at 7:54pm

Atara, if you post this entry I’m going to kill you. This entry is NOT for POSTING online.

Conversation with Will:
I said: (7:55:56 PM): I feel bad. I feel the way you feel about me about someone else. Though how they feel about me is quite different from how I feel about you. That's what the entry was about, that I sent to Angel. She hasn't written back yet and I’m going crazy
Will said: Well, how do you feel about me?
I said: feel like... Hm. I feel like I should care more than I do. I feel like you deserve more from me than you get. I feel like you deserve more from life than you get. I probably take your always being online when I want to talk to you for granted.
Will said: You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?
I said: Yeah. Indeed. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the people I know and how they probably feel about me and how I feel in return and how the resulting interactions occur.
Will said: So you think that I haven't been getting enough credit, huh?
I said: Yeah. My main issue with you is that I feel completely lost with what to say or do with you in person. On IM I can tell you anything, in person I feel like... I donno. I just don't know what to do or say in person at all.
Will said: I see.
I said: I think I know how you feel now.
Will said: Oh?
I said: And it just makes me feel worse. Because that's how I feel about My Bestfriend.
Will said: I’m not surprised about that. I mean, I've figured since the time you tried to kiss him that that was how you felt about him.
I said: That was very embarrassing, and I didn't realize I had told you about that
Will said: You told me about it like the day it happened.
I said: Ah. That sounds like something I’d do.
Will said: But hey, you have that sort of confidence in me. I mean, I’m happy you trust me that much.
I said: Indeed. My Bestfriend trusts me in a similar way. But he'd never go out with me. I mean, there is no chance in hell really. I mean, whereas, if you tried hard enough in the right situation I’m sure there is a possibility. With him, there is none. It's completely futile. It's also wrong. I think that's half the reason why I’m so infatuated. I like that I can't win him. That's such a "male" attitude for me to have.
Will said: Not really, it goes both ways, really.
I said: Which goes both ways?
Will said: That sort of attitude.
I said: I think I want My Bestfriend to want me more than I want to have him. I just want to be so fucking cool that I’m irresistible. I think that's the root problem.
Will said: You know how I feel, huh? However, I don't want to be irresistible. Being irresistible was never a priority for me. Closeness was always it. I wanted, or rather want to be close to you. Which is silly since going by the opinion of everyone I know, you're the worst possible girl for me.
I said: (8:23:08 PM): Tell me if this sounds like you: I sit there next to him and it's like I have little spiders crawling under my skin, that I know will go away if I could just get close enough to him. So I move closer. I forget that I’m supposed to be listening to what he's saying because I’m so busy watching how his lips move and the shape of his teeth (which are very sharp)... But the closer I try to become physically the further I am away in actuality, so I force myself to come up with the most intellectual and interesting things I can to say. I tell him my insights and I make sure I’m perfectly honest. I hold back all my questions about his sexual history. How far has he gone? Was there a chick he almost lost it to? Would he ever...? How big is it...? I swallow these questions over and over again, stop the movie constantly playing in my head where I’m resting my head on his chest and he's stroking my hair...

Conversation with My Cool Girlbuddy:
I said: (7:41:39 PM): So like, I have a serious question, and it's probably very personal, so feel free not to answer; but would you want to lose your virginity to My Bestfriend? I’m just curious as all hell. It's not even that I really believe either of you should; I think it's amazing to be happy and sex-free, in fact, I envy it; but at the same time I don't understand how it's possible to just not crave a sexual relationship. Admitted, it's not really any good if you're not in love, but if you are already in love, doesn't it make it that much harder to resist? Well, it does for me. So, yeah, that's why I’m so curious.
Ashley said: Well, to answer that question I have no desire to lose my virginity to anyone at this point and it doesn't mean I don't crave. I just refuse to give in, I guess. Not sure how else to put it.
I said: Interesting. Hm, I never had too much of an inclination to hold on to my virginity. I didn't want it to just be a fling at first, but the longer I waited the more I didn't care how I lost it. Weird, My Bestfriend claims to not even crave at all. I don't understand that one at all. How can an 18 year old male have no desire for sex at all? That just completely bewilders me.
Ashley said: lol, I don't know. but I guess I can kind of understand it
I said: I don't think it's even possible to tempt him. Like, out of everyone he knows right you, you'd clearly be his choice if he were to make one (and he clearly doesn't plan on making a "choice") and yet, do you think, if you were to "lean in" he'd kiss back?
Ashley said: I don't know because I honestly can't imagine the situation. I guess I just don't tend to think about any of this.
I said: Hm. Well, I suppose that's a good thing. Honestly, if I weren't in a relationship, and had no interest in being in one or in having sex... That would change my entire life.
Ashley said: yeah, I honestly wish I had never been in one, just because the only cravings I get now I wouldn't have if I hadn't done some of the things
I said: Unfortunately I never had much of a build-up before having sex with someone. I mean, I waited for months in the past before, but never with one of the guys I ended up loving. Oddly. I wish I could erase all the sexual encounters I had (and relationships) that were not with My First Love, My Crazy “Ninja” Ex or My Boyfriend. I’d feel a lot better about my past if it were that straightforward. But heck, no point in crying over spilled milk – especially not when it's so old.
Ashley said: yeah
I said: You know the average American woman has slept with nine different guys, and that the average NYC woman doubles that.
Ashley said: hmm, I guess I’m one of the people who brings the average down
I said: Yeah. I hit the big double-digit in early April of 2007. Not one of my best moments. That was the night I quit drinking. You're really beautiful. You've probably had a lot of opportunities. I applaud you. You could sell your virginity for several million after you turn 18 if you want to. That one chick did. I would if I were still a virgin honestly. I feel like an idiot for not keeping mine just for that reason alone; not to mention all the other reasons. Can you imagine starting your adult life with a few million dollars under your belt?
Ashley said: lol, I wouldn't sell it
I said: All the more reason why I have my money on you and My Bestfriend one day being a "conventional" couple. Probably like a year and a half from now.
Ashley said: mmm :/ I don’t know; I’m not really seeing it; but its interesting that you think so...
I said: Well, you and him have like values, and are equally odd. You're both beautiful and fit. You're both intelligent and going to the same college. You guys spend a lot of time together. As friends, I’m sure you both love each other. Enough time and eventually material instict will kick in and you'll turn to each other. That's my guess. And to tell the truth I'll be jealous.
Ashley said: jealous of what?
I said: My Bestfriend would never choose me. And he's the only person I know that I can consider above myself.
Ashley said: How do you consider him above you?
I said: The whole sex thing immediately trumps me. He's able to be a good person without wanting too much or asking too much from others. He's self-sufficient where as I’m incredibly dependant. Most other things I would consider equal between the two of us. Also, he's good with people, whereas I make people dislike me left and right.

Conversation with Will:
I said: (8:26:08 PM): I could go on, but that's probably sufficient.
Will said: It sounds a little like me, maybe.
I said: The expression you made -- when we were drawing together in my room, and you tried to move closer to me without me noticing. I feel like I must feel how you did then.
Will said: Well. It wasn't spiders.
I said: I feel like that's an embellishment for the sake of artistic-ness in my writing – a more conventional description might be a "desperate urge" or something
Will said: Desperate urge is close. When I’m around you, I do have a burning in my chest. Kind of hurts.
I said: Ah, that one is rare for me. I generally get a burning ache sort of thing in my chest when I’m either very emotionally distraught, or if I’m around someone very emotionally distraught or if I’m feel very anxious. By the way, I don't really want to be irresistible in general, I’d just like to be irresistible to say... My Bestfriend.
Will said: We're on different wavelengths, I suppose.
I said: It's so... not cool... That I get so turned on by such little things My Bestfriend does or says. It makes me feel like a stupid ape or something
Will said: Oi. Sort of insensitive, don't you think?
I said: Like, on a photo-perspective... My Boyfriend is like twice as attractive. What I said? I suppose it could be. I mean, I feel stupid because I’m in a relationship which is sexual satisfying.
Will said: But not emotionally?
I said: So why would my irrational hormones be so dubious as to be attracted to My Bestfriend?!?! The goddamned confusing blundering idiot things. Sometimes I wish I had no sex drive whatsoever, but that could also suck. That is the deep kicker. I can't find full satisfaction in My Boyfriend. And I want to.
Will said: There are a lot of things I try to say, that I would really like to say.
I said: Well, spit. I doubt you'll say anything that will make me think any less of you. I’m not even sure it's possible for you to make me think any less of you with words.
Will said: Even when I have the full confidence of the internet at my disposal, but it's hard to say them, or type them, or whatever. It's because nothing comes of my words.
I said: Hm... But... Perhaps not actions – but thoughts...
Will said: I can say whatever I like, but in the long term there's nothing more I can do because you're outside of my influence.
I said: I wouldn't say that. I quoted you today even. I do think about you... Quite often. I even have conversations about you from time to time.
Will said: I’m flattered by that. But what I want is the thing you want.
I said: Hm. Well, I do like to keep my mind open. I keep in mind a tally of every option available even if I don't often think about the order of preference. But if I were to make a list, that obviously didn't include My Boyfriend it would go: My Bestfriend, My First Love, Ayian (only because she's a hot bi-chick whose clearly intelligent - it's not like I ever met her), Will (you obviously), then probably Pete or... I donno. It doesn't much My Bestfriender after that. There is an array of other options but none of them really My Bestfriender past Pete.
Will said: That's the thing, I don't want to be considered fourth string, you know?
I said: I do keep in mind the fact that My Crazy “Ninja” Ex would leave his marriage for me too. Though I wouldn't say he's on the ephemeral "list" I’d say that going on a date with him is on my list of things to do if I were single however. Yeah, I know, terrible.
Will said: But that's basically how I feel.
I said: Me neither. I just discovered today that IF My Bestfriend were to choose a girl, it'd be My Cool Girlbuddy, not me. Not that he really said that in so many words, but close enough.
Will said: The implication was there, got it. And here I am, feeling those words I want to say brew up in me.
I said: He basically said there were only two people he considered his equal, and one of them was My Cool Girlbuddy and the other person wasn't me. And he also said that My Cool Girlbuddy also feels that sort of way about him, and beyond that, My Cool Girlbuddy and him are both virgins who both don't intend on dating anyone or sleeping with anyone; so they have that level in common. So, say these things that are on your mind. Tell me just to say them. Never-mind the impact.
Will said: I think the impact is important. If I say them then I’m merely wasting my breath, or keystrokes, whichever comes first.
I said: Meh, it's never a waste. Writing is soothing.
Will said: Alright then. Like I've said before, I really do love you.
I said: You may find this comforting: I just now analyzed how much I may or may not "love" you in return and I came to this conclusion: I love you just as much as I love My Bestfriend; the amount of caring is the same – the difference only lies in... well, things I already said in this conversation.
Will said: Physical attraction?
I said: That's part of it, but certainly not all or even half of it I think my attraction has very little to do with attractiveness; especially lately
Will said: Correct, since you've been satisfied.
I said: Heh, just cause I can't talk about this with anyone else.... I might as well.... I’m a little more horny these past couple days than usual... and... well... there is a certain reason for it...
Will said: What?
I said: well, it sounds bad... well, no it doesn't... well, it can... well, it depends on how you look at it... Okay, well, anyway. I convinced My Boyfriend that I’m not going to become "stretched out" from well, anything. Women give birth to babies and often recover the same amount of tightness; and I've certainly recovered my tightness time and time again... So, yeah, I've finally managed to teach someone how to really fuck with my horny-strings with their hand. The result was in-fucking-credible. Ah, sometimes, only sometimes, sexual satisfaction can be underrated.
Will said: Ah, I see.
I said: And well, it didn't help with My Bestfriend came over today... I have not thought about sex or sex-related stuff this much for such a long period of time in a long, long time.
Will said: Oi...now when you get into that subject. Before my nightmare, I got inexplicably worked up.
I said: Eh?
Will said: (9:19:15 PM): Yeah, really worked up.

[End things to not post online.]

Monday, January, 5th 2008 at 8:26pm

Conversation with My Cool Girlbuddy:
Ashley said: hmm... I don't get the disliking thing; I liked you from the get go
I said: (8:15:55 PM): I think Alex doesn't like me, despite my efforts to try and be friends with him. I’m having trouble liking him myself. Heck, My Bestfriend like barely wants anything at all whereas my wants go on for days and days.
Ashley said: It's strange though, he seems detached at times, entirely emotionally detached, he seems to have emotions about what happened with his mom, and the way it effected his family, but it's almost like he doesn’t know what to do with those emotions
I said: Indeed. He seems to detach himself further whenever he talks about his parents. I actually felt "closer" to My Bestfriend before his whole "change" that he just went through over the past few weeks. I think he's detached himself even more.
Ashley said: (8:26:26 PM): I don't see much of a change [in My Bestfriend]; there was a period where he was out of it.
I said: That's for sure.
Ashley said: but I think it was just perspective; and now he seems to be back to normal (as if there was one) you know?
I said: Ish. I feel like he's back to "normal" but also that he's come back different.
Ashley said: interesting; different in what ways from your perspective?
I said: More distant mostly. A little more focused. There are others, but they're so subtle and hard to put my finger on
Ashley said: hmm... what do you think of me? I’m actually quite curious. I've been asking many people that question, but I’m particularly interested in what you think since you only see me in select situations.
I said: I'll answer, but only if you agree to answer the same about me in equal detail. Agreed?
Ashley said: Ahhh, I love the catch... and I suppose I could do so
I said: sweetness...! Okay, let me think here...
Well, what I like about you the most is that whenever you choose to say something it can never be taken badly. I wish I had that skill. The thing I like about you the least is how little you say; you're too interesting to say so little. However, I suppose your lack of speech is also part of your mystery. I think your lack of sexual experience gives you a respectable quality, but it also adds a certain naivety; which to me is attractive, though to others can be a distinctive turn-off. I have a virgin fetish so that's just me... lol.
I think you're really beautiful. I especially like the shape of your... well, everything. I was going to say your lips, but then I realized I like your eyes just as much, and well, pretty much everything. If I wasn't bi, I’d probably just say, "you're pretty," but thinking about how you look always reminds me of how much I’d like to see what you look like with a lot less clothing on doing certain... anyway.
You seem to be smarter than you want people to know. Like you only do something "smart" when it's necessary; never to show off, or just because. It seems like you act as ordinary as possible as if to hide your own strangeness which I feel must be lurking somewhere in a part of you that I have not seen yet (and perhaps never will?) And it's hard to say much more about you other than generic statements like "kind" and "amusing" and "cute" and "hot" from the experiences I've had thus far with you.
Ashley said: hmm... should I go straight into my description of you? or explain where some of your observations are correct first?
I said: Hm. Just tell me whatever comes to mind first.
Ashley said: ok... hold on; just a second; friend with a crisis; girlfriend of two years and two months just dumped him.
I said: Oh man. That must hurt. I know how My Boyfriend would be if I left him right now. [Not to mention how I’d feel right about now if My Boyfriend up and left me.]
Ashley said: he wants to jump right into another relationship
I said: oh; Well, there are ups and downs to doing that. I've done that about ten times now. You should tell him that if he still wants to jump into this other relationship one month from now to go ahead and do it (and don't sleep with anyone at all in that month!!!)
Ashley said: alright; Phoenix.... who is she from my perspective?
I am particularly intrigued by the past that you constantly allude to and how little I know about it; I understand that you must be a pretty deep person because of the events that I do know about and how you seem to deal with them mentally; the simple fact that you spend you're free time painting drawing writing poetry playing very interesting games speaks volumes; but at the same time you seem to refuse being defined by those things; and I’m not sure what to define you with entirely; you seem to not always want to be where you are now; but at the same time you don’t seem to want to change anything.
I said: It seems like my loneliness must be showing through my actions. I’m very resistant to changing anything in my life right now; at least anything major. Drawing, digital painting, writing blog entries, writing on my novel and exercising does seem to be my 'external' life right now. Though internally I’m battling how I feel about people, how they feel about me, and how the ensuing interactions occur and how to adjust the feels in order to adjust the interactions.
Tell me something about yourself that you think I’d have no way of knowing. (I feel like this is some sort of fun game we're playing and now it's time for level two or something, lol.)
Ashley said: ok... hold on... ex-boyfriend just called... :/ busy night – gosh
I said: Cuz you're just oh-so-popular apparently.
Ashley said: okay; the thing that you don't know about me... in my internal life
I said: Ooo, ooo! *jumps up and down*
Ashley said: I have only recently become a scientist, I was a very smart lab rat for quite some time. I hope you get what I’m meaning by that.
I said: Scientist?? eh? Like, as in, you do experiments with stuff?
Ashley said: Much more figurative
I said: Psh, now we've added riddles to this game! Hmm... So, I think I see... And then you started purposely doing things to see what they would do?
Ashley said: As in for awhile I was simply reacting to the actions of other people; and I had gotten smart enough to play along with their strategies – right-o: now I have developed my own and subject others to it. Though I intend to be entirely benevolent.
I said: I do that, but unfortunately I usually only do that in sexual situations. Pitiful, really. I wish I could say I've done that outside of sex-related things, but come to think of it... Well, I did used to purposely dress as goth as possible for public outings just to get reactions. That's always fun.
Ashley said: Your turn.
I said: My turn? Ah; Right; Um... At the moment, I’m being embarrassingly naughty in my thoughts. I keep thinking about you and My Bestfriend having sex.
Ashley said: Oh dear.
I said: I just had some amazing sex with My Boyfriend last night, so my libido is above it's normal. And now I’m laughing hysterically because your face must be priceless right now.
Ashley said: Strangely enough, I only really make faces if I’m on IM anyway; when I send emoticons.
I said: You mean, you're purposely expressionless in person?
Ashley said: unless I send an emoticon... :P like I totally imitated that emoticon
I said: That's so adorable.
Ashley said: ...how do you know? you didn’t see it! :P
I said: I’m guessing it would have to be?!? So your turn for a "question" or "curiosity" I suppose. *winks*
Ashley said: hmm... goodness
I said: Yes? Difficult? Too many to choose from?
Ashley said: who would you be if there was nothing binding about your life right now
I said: Nothing binding... Hmm
Ashley said: I’m essentially meaning that there would be no consequences if you changed any thing. Though I’m not a huge fan of hypothetical situations.
I said: I’d be very open, and I’d travel a lot. I’m taking "binding" to mean that I’m not bound by expectations, society's rules, or even my own morals. I’d probably hop in the car, drive over to My Bestfriend's and rape him, and then proceed on to go drive to where you live and attempt to spend the entire night chatting with you. I probably would travel to see Ayian in Canada and hope to get some female on female action for the first time in my life... I’d love to travel to Japan, pick up some Asian women and bring them back with me and then start my own business where My Boyfriend and I lived with these women
Ashley said: Interesting. I’m very glad there was nothing about raping me in there. :P
I said: (9:39:37 PM): Well... I considered it. But I can't imagine having no morals to that degree. I may or may not return in a bit. But it's your turn to answer. I have to go pick My Boyfriend up from work ... So, I might be back in like 10 minutes...
I said: (10:18:26 PM): I’m finally back. So, what would you do if nothing that is binding you in your life was still binding you?
Ashley said: I would still go to college at UB; live in the dorms; but I would not work in the dining hall; and I would spend that time doing community service instead.
I said: I didn't know you worked in the dining hall. What's that like?
Ashley said: I donno. I guess it isn’t so bad.
I said: Community service? That's interesting.
Ashley said: Hmm; maybe I was too impulsive in that answer; I think I’d stay working there; but I’d have a violin; and I’d take piano lessons. Also I’d take gymnastics.
I said: Oh, that'd be fun; I’d like to take hip-hop classes one-on-one.
Ashley said: but I’m seriously considering doing that this semester
I said: I’d also like violin classes and self-defense and yoga. So, new question... If you had to live without one of the five senses for a year which one would it be and why? And if you could enhance one of your five senses which one would it be and why?
Ashley said: I would go without sight for a year; definitely; and it would enhance my other senses enough that I would rather go without sight than just enhance another sense; I’d like to learn to use the others more effectively
I said: I think I probably like to do the same.
Ashley said: it would be an interesting evolution
I said: That's why I said "for a year" because if it were for life, I’d probably say taste or smell, for but a year I think I’d pick sight. I’d like to improve my hearing though, by a lot. So I could hear other people talking from a long distance, and so that I could hear the rain better, and so that I could hear the birds in the morning. [Sight is really the most deceiving of the senses.]
Ashley said: ooo; if you could have one superpower...
I said: Well, this is one I've thought about a lot. I generally think about the "three wishes" in which I’d pick: teleportation, time-travel and a sort of immortality where my health was perfect and I didn't age... But if I only could have one super power... I’d choose to be able to know the answer to any question I ask inside my mind with a certain tone or key word included to activate the power
Ashley said: interesting
I said: You?
Ashley said: Invisibility.
I said: Ah, but mine trumps that, I simply ask "what can I do to go entirely unnoticed?" I've contemplated that before a number of times. I don't have to wish to be rich, I simply ask "what are the winning lotto numbers?" I don't have to wish to be healthy and live forever, I simply ask "what is the best thing to do right now for my health?" Why invisibility though? Where do you want to go to not be seen?
Ashley said: its not anywhere in particular; but to be able to observe people in a pure form
I said: Hm. I’d probably do very bad things with that sort of power. -_-
Ashley said: I’d like to know what friends say or do without me around; in order to know them better; understand them; the things you could learn without having an identity
I said: True. I’d still just sit there and ask questions; "What is she thinking right now?" "How does she really feel about me?" Or, "What are a few things she's said about me when I wasn't there?"
Ashley said: mmm... but where's the fun in that
I said: It would be more fun to see it, but then I could ask "Where and when could I hide to see a conversation between two people I care about in the near future talking about or doing something interesting?" I've daydreamed about the possibilities of that a lot.
Ashley said: I mean whereas the fun in that it would require nothing of you; no thought no extended reflection; you'd essentially become a computer
I said: (10:47:12 PM): I still have to make the actions. Though that is true. That's why I need to have a trigger word to trigger the ability though, I wouldn't want to know the answer to any question right away, I still want to be able to think about things for myself. Playing board games would be no fun at all if I knew all the answers; or even any of the answers.... Silly internet went out again. My Boyfriend ran downstairs to reset it.
Ashley said: (10:52:58 PM): ah
I said: (10:55:46 PM): So, tell me something that you often remember and feel guilty about?
Ashley said: this doesn’t exactly fit the question; but it may shed some more light on the virginity thing
I said: Ah? Curiousness exploding... lol
Ashley said: Every "sexual" encounter I have ever had has left me feeling insanely guilty
I said: Hm
Ashley said: Which is some of why I have no desire to actually pursue them; though I do crave them from time to time
I said: I’m supposed to get the juicy details of one these events darn it,
Ashley said: I've only had two boyfriends; and I've kissed a total of three guys
I said: Wow. Impressive.
Ashley said: It was two up until the end of November.
I said: Oh?
Ashley said: Oh... stupidity; it’s a wonderful thing
I said: Was it My Bestfriend?? I’m dying to know.
Ashley said: haha... no
I said: Meh, I tried.
Ashley said: lol; you of all people should know that that is impossible!
I said: I donno. I think if you tried it, it may just go somewhere. I think you're the only one he'd let in.
Ashley said: I really don't see it; but it ay be because I’m not an aggressive person; and this is My Bestfriend were talking about here. I honestly cant imagine approaching him that way. I wouldn't want to; and if what you're saying has any truth to it then it’s a perfect catch 22.
I said: It sure is. :-) That's why I said... in like a year and a half
Ashley said: that’s assuming we still know each other in a year and a half
I said: There is only so long the both of you can resist nature's call, and it would be most logical and fulfilling to answer with each other. :-) Sure you will, you're both going to UB. And if either of you go and move away I’m going to have a kiniption!
Ashley said: UB is a big place; and it isn’t like My Bestfriend truly enjoys dorms; though he did live in my room last semester
I said: (11:09:32 PM): Yeah, see, keep that up... and well... It's just bound to happen. And seriously; if you stick around him long enough for that to actually happen it'll probably be better than it would be with anyone else. Take it from someone whose slept with a lot of people they shouldn't have: losing it to My Bestfriend is probably the very best you can do. I’d be honored to rewrite my first to My Bestfriend. Hell, I might pay for that. In other words; I don't think you'd feel guilty about it or regret it.
Ashley said: bleh; I guess at this point I’m not really attracted to him in that way
I said: Well, that's interesting and not what I expected you to say. I didn't find my first attractive... -_- My first was so lame. I even knew I wasn't really in love... Pathetic.
Ashley said: Feel like continuing? Oh, our game? Sure.
I said: Well, then again, something I feel guilty about and think about often is... well... Something we've already basically been talking about this entire time. Thinking about you and My Bestfriend a lot. In a way I shouldn't. -_-
Ashley said: I’m still puzzled as to why that's so interesting. We're two pseudo-intelligent white people.
I said: (11:20:03 PM): Meh; I have a virgin fetish. And I find you both attractive.
Ashley said: I find us kinda ewwy
I said: Well, My Bestfriend would be incredibly better without the red spots all over his face; lol
Ashley said: ?
I said: acne not hot
Ashley said: ooOOoo :O I didn't even realize
I said: lol; Never thought about that?
Ashley said: Not really
I said: Hm. Interesting. So, your turn by the way.
Ashley said: hmm: If you had $500 right now and the only conditions were that you couldn't save it and you had to buy something for yourself what would you buy?
I said: Hm. Well... I’d get my desktop computer fixed, and if I still had money left (probably would have around half of it left if what I think is wrong with it is indeed what's wrong with it)... I’d then buy... some more thigh-high socks... a gallon of black paint... and probably a new digital camera. You?
Ashley said: I’d fix my car. yeah... I’d like to just buy shit; but that really needs to be done.
I said: Yeah. Agreed. What if you had 1,000,000? That's not a million is it? I meant for it to be, lol.
Ashley said: Same conditions? or different
I said: Hm; how about both? What would you do if you had a week to spend it; and what would you do if you could keep it however long you want?
Ashley said: I could keep it: I would invest some of it, fix my car up; buy a small house/apartment; furnish it... And then travel.
I said: And if you had to spend it? [I should have pointed out that there is no point in getting an apartment before traveling; then you have bills to pay for a place you’re not currently residing in.]
Ashley said: If I had to spend it I think I would sped a week in some foreign country, and pay to have friends along, as well as paying to do something of consequence; whatever that may be.
I said: Hm, good answer. I’d answer you back, but I have to go cook dinner; then I’m watching Akira. By the way though, if I could keep it, I’d budget it out to live off it for the rest of my life so I’d never be dependant on work.
[By the way, that’s AH-KE-RUH, not AH-Kira. There is not “kir” sound in Japanese, it’s ki and then ra. Which is ke-ruh. I felt smart for realizing that as we were watching the movie. Also, I don’t recommend the movie. The animations was good but the drawings themselves were rather ugly when it comes to characters. The movie was one long graphic violent chaos. I found the movie to have no real point what-so-ever. If you want to watch a good anime, watch Ghost in the Shell: Innocence.]

Letter to Crusifer

2009-01-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

Thursday, January, 1st 2008 at 1:40am

Last night I said some things along the lines of “if we were not together” to My Boyfriend. I said I’d be done with men. I said I’d want to give Ayian a call (even though I don’t have her number.) I said I would want to leave Buffalo for a while; go on a trip that involved mooching off of someone else. However, it was ill-worded, ill-conceived and delivered in such a way that My Boyfriend took it all wrong in ways I couldn’t have predicted.
I made him feel like he’s wasting his efforts. I also made him feel like I’m using him. I also made him feel like he was responsible for making me hate men. All in one blow. He crushed my argument instantly, and made me feel like shit. I apologized less than five minutes from the time I uttered the words. I told him he was right to be angry with me. But that wasn’t enough. To my complete ire he was still mad this morning.
I tried to get him to touch me, to talk to me... He pushed me away, and I kept coming back. I felt so desperate. I hate mornings. I wake up feeling so clingy. I need to establish some link of love before I can set out in my day. If I don’t, the whole day feels miserable nine out of ten times. I seem incapable of raising my own spirits when I wake up.
We worked things out over the phone... But I started the day feeling down; and now I’m ending the day feeling down. I think I’m going to watch TV like a sheep, and then try to sleep. Sometimes I just hate living. I’m either lonely or I’m stressed out by whoever is around me.

Thursday, January, 1st 2008 at 8:31pm
Corvier,
This is not a break-up letter; it’s a make-up letter and I’ll be very upset if you don’t read it.
Life is meaningless bull shit, isn’t it? At least, that’s how I feel about it right now. While you set off to your “good friend’s” house, I sit here crying; wishing you weren’t leaving.
Sometimes I think we’re the same person, but right now I couldn’t feel more different. I don’t know what it’s like to have good friends. I have no where I could just up and go to. Not a single place. That’s where the difference lies.
You have your work, your mom’s, Frankie’s place, El’s place, Dana’s place and probably at least three other places you could just go to if you needed to – even Frank’s I bet, am I right? I have no where. This room is my only place. This has always been my only place, and it is personal to me.
I spend countless hours alone up here; writing, cleaning, drawing, reading, scanning art, printing... We have sex up here, we sleep here, we talk here. This is essentially my universe. I have no where else to run to, and perhaps that’s why it’s personal to me.
One of the things I hated most about My Crazy “Ninja” Ex is how he’s just bring people up into our room. I felt like I had no place in the world that was mine. I had no place to run to when he would put on the TV for hours and hours. I had no choice but to watch it with him. I had no friend’s house to run to; nothing. And because I had such a low opinion of myself, I believed that was the best I could do. I believed that having no place of my own was okay because I thought that was the price for being me or something.
It’s not okay. I understand how you feel because I feel the same way; just in a different light. I think that’s the case anyway. You’re pissed off at me because you feel like you should be able to bring your friends into your private area if you want to. I’m pissed off because I feel like I should be able to say I don’t want to hear or see things in my personal area if I don’t want to. This is my sanctuary; and that’s how I feel about it. You can go play beats at Frankie’s; but I can’t go anywhere and do anything.
I guess that’s why we do need separate areas to run to. I never realized before how big the gap in our understanding on this My Bestfriender... I feel hopeless. I hate not being on the same page with you.
Crying like this makes me feel stupid too. I’ve told myself so many times I’m just not going to cry over you, or over men, or over anything... Yet it’s almost as pointless not to cry as it is to cry. I mean; if you’re too upset to do anything anyway, might as well cry your ass off and get it over with, right? This is so aside from the point...
Of course, I’m not sure I had a point other than putting words on the monitor. I’m not sure I could lose myself in a video game right now even if I had one I was into playing... You say I need to grow up; and yet you’re the one running away to a friend’s house to play a game where you shoot other people. And I’m the hypocrite... I don’t want to attack you with my words though. I don’t want to fight with you at all. I wouldn’t have argued if it had been a point of lesser importance to me...
This is a ten on a scale of one to ten on importance to me. And it’s also a ten when it comes to how you respond when I tell you how I feel about something. (Agreed, how you feel counts too; that’s aside from the point at the moment.)
Now that I’ve told you how upset I am and how important this is to me, and now, hopefully you’ve cooled off – so perhaps you’ll listen.

The first issue: It makes me feel invaded when people I don’t know are in my room.
My second issue: It hurts me when you tell me how I feel is retarded.
The third issue: I don’t like being told what my point is; especially when I’m telling you you’re wrong. You’re essentially telling me I’m lying.
You’re right, it’s a double-standard. I admit it. I just never thought you had the issue. And you obviously don’t since you’re telling me that caring about people “seeing my stuff” is immature. It’s just like you don’t care if I play music or not, whereas I care a lot. I don’t like you having people I don’t know in my room. That is the fact of the My Bestfriender. That doesn’t mean I think that you shouldn’t be able to have friends over. That doesn’t mean that I don’t trust your judgement. That doesn’t mean that I believe everyone is a thief. All it means, is that I’m uncomfortable with it; and therefor we need to find a resolution. (Or just break-up over it – which is what you said you’d do... You didn’t mean that, right?)
Fear of thieves, and people seeing my stuff are parts of the issue, but neither one is the biggest issue. Fear of stealing is like, 7%. People seeing my stuff is like 13%. I just find the rest of it so much harder to explain. It’s easier to explain the short and simple stuff.
The fact that I have no where else to go is 70% of it I guess. We never got to that point because I was getting too frustrated to think clearly. My issue changed from the original point when you started calling me retarded. I started to get upset about you telling me you didn’t care how I felt instead of being upset about our original debate.
You can go to your friend’s house. That’s a possibility. They live nearby, you’re welcome there, and they like having you over. I have no such option. I don’t even have an option close to that. You complain that you’d have to move your laptop and speakers downstairs in order to “bump beats” but think about it – I’d have to move my laptop and all other related belongings downstairs if you were to bump beats upstairs. That goes both ways. Either way, I’m going to be upset because I can still hear it, so I’d actually have to leave the whole house – and guess what, I have no where to go outside of the house! So that means if you bring people over to tattoo them, you’re going to take a lot of time, and you’re going to want to play music, and you and them are going to be talking, and if I don’t want to be there, I’m trapped. I’d have to listen to it. I wouldn’t have another option in nine out of ten cases. That makes me feel like my privacy is being invaded. Does that make sense to you?
This does not negate my point of it being “personal,” but I hadn’t really realized what I meant by that until now. Sometimes (as I’m sure you’re aware) when you’re upset, you say what you feel without thinking about what you feel means. And then, because you’re explanation is sketchy and doesn’t get to the heart of the point, you get walked all over. I’m sure you’ve experienced this since a number of times you’ve said “if I could twist words like you do then I’m sure I’d have the upper-hand” or things along those lines.
I didn’t actually realize my main issue with having “random people” in the room until you left to go to Frankie’s house – and here I am, sitting here on the bed crying. I thought to myself “this is bullshit! What am I going to do with myself now?” And after five to ten minutes of wallowing in my misery I decided to see what My Bestfriend was up to. No answer. I called My Cool Girlbuddy. No answer. I can’t just show up. I don’t even know where either of them live. I don’t know anyone, and I don’t have anywhere to go. I started to think about that and dwell on that, and then it hit me; my room is so personal to me because it’s everything to me. It’s everywhere to me.
Even My Bestfriend has said that I “put too much emphasis on physical possessions” and having space and my personal room and so forth. I told him it was because I put so much work into my room; but now I see the real reason isn’t that at all. (Of course that’s still a small part of it. Perhaps the remaining 10% even.) My Bestfriend has college, and friend’s houses and the carp shop – he’s never at home. He enjoys himself by talking to people and going places. Of course he doesn’t see the value of having his own room – he’d rather go to a park to be alone.

Well, for me, this is where I do everything. I eat, shit, sleep, fuck, read, draw, write, think, dance, exercise, watch TV, paint, color, print, scan, clean, organize, get inspired, be depressed, cry, dream, hope, hide, answer the phone, make calls from, wash my face, wash my hands, brush my hair and do absolutely everything in this room. It’s not as personal to you because you spend forty-four to sixty hours a week working, six to twelve hours in transportation, two to fifteen hours at friends houses, and one to three hours in the downstairs bathroom in a week (53 to 90 hours out of 112 waking hours in a week).
Whereas I leave this room for four to fifteen hours to help my mom out downstairs, to go grocery shopping for one to four hours, to do laundry and to bath and to cook for five to ten hours, and to pick you up for one to three hours a week (11 to 32 hours out of 112 waking hours in a week.) And beyond that, over half of that is still within the house. And on top of that, this is the same house I’ve spent my entire life in. This isn’t just letting them into my bed room; it’s like letting them into my life. In fact, it is letting them into my life because I don’t have a choice but to be there. I can’t just sit at my laptop and blare my headphones a regular basis; that might be a compromise but it’s not a solution – it’s turning a big problem into two medium problems; not getting rid of the problem.
And again, why did I let My Bestfriend in then? Let’s think about that. You’re right, that was hypocritical of me; and while excuses don’t “excuse” me for being a hypocrite, they do explain a lot. Just like, why you drink doesn’t excuse you drinking; but I’d still like to know. And besides, to solve any problem, you do have to know the cause.
Reason number one: there was no where else to go and I wanted to continue to talk and hang out. Reason number two: I felt like from what I knew about him thus far that I wanted to continue to have him in my life, therefor I didn’t feel like it was an invasion. Number three: I didn’t care at the time what you might think because I was so pissed at you for running off without telling me and ignoring my calls. Number four: It was too hot outside to be thinking about much of anything clearly. Number five: You’ve never expressed an issue with me bringing people in our room. (Except of course Jay; and by the way, I’ve never brought him into the house since that party.)
Besides all of that, this is something that has been developing over time. Just like I didn’t eat an organic diet when I was ten, neither did I discriminate over who came into my room back then. Having those house parties made me realize a number of things: getting drunk sucks, having a bunch of losers in your house sucks, drugs suck, the people I know suck, cleaning up after drunk people sucks, and having people in your room in general just sucks. Perhaps it would be easier for you to understand if that part of my life was past before I met you. It’s only in the last year and a half that I’ve felt so strongly about not having people in my bedroom. Yes, it’s our bedroom, but now we have a game-room. It’s neutral; and besides that, I can be upstairs alone while you have people with you down there, and in addition, it’s better than you being outside because I can come see you and you can come see me. I don’t see why that should be a big problem in the future.
Just by the by, when Will came over, he never came upstairs. We stayed in the game room. When My Cool Girlbuddy, My Bestfriend and Vanessa came over three weeks ago or so, we stayed in the game room. When My Bestfriend came over two weeks ago, we stayed in the game room. I’m not just making this shit up to be difficult, I’m telling you this because this is extremely important to me.
This is a slightly more stupid argument than our usual in my opinion. It’s obviously important to both of us, and that fact alone should be enough for us both to realize that “proving the other person wrong” is not only impossible, but insulting. And I don’t believe you’re wrong. You need a place where you can have friends over that you feel like is a good place to have friends. I forget that it’s so important. I think you forget how hard it is for me to believe and understand that it’s important to be able to have your friends over. It, of course, doesn’t help that I don’t exactly approve of your friends, but that is completely aside from the point(s). It’s hard for me to understand sometimes because for me you are my “mans” and you are the only person I feel strongly about being able to see in my personal space.
Okay, so back to the issues as hand. Firstly, I’m not going to accept having people in our bedroom, and you’re not going to accept not having a place for your friends and you to hang out. In conclusion to that, you need a place that it’s okay for you to have your friends. There are number of possible arrangements.

My recommended solution: The first possible arrangement, (and the most logical in my opinion) is that you have a desk in the game room (probably located where Mary’s desk is still located at the moment) and your speakers would be there along with your computer stuff so that setting your laptop there is easy as pie. The room won’t be your space, but the desk would be, and that would be better than what we have now. (This doesn’t negate the fact that I’d like to build an office in the back of the attic, but I always thought of that as being a personal retreat, not a bring-all-your-friends party-room. It’s not really practical for that purpose since it’s directly above my parent’s bedroom and requires going through our bedroom to get there.)
The second option is a bit more complicated, but still possible. We could move our bedroom. The big question there is “where to?”
Bad idea #1: We could put it where the couch was and curtain off the area with the TV as a very small but functional My Boyfriend-and-friends zone. The only problem with that is that it doesn’t solve the sound issue.
Bad idea #2: We could (in theory) move our bedroom to where I planned the office to be... Which is a lot of work and couldn’t be done in any short period of time, but could be a long-term goal. However, I don’t want ghouls painted above my bed; I have enough nightmares as is.
Bad idea #3: We could (in theory) move our bedroom into my old bedroom, but I think that’s a terrible idea because it’s directly connected to my parents bedroom giving us no sound privacy what-so-ever. In fact, that’s not even possible because my dad has his TV running all the time and that would prevent us (or at least me) from sleeping.
So scratch those three last ideas...
Another possible solution: We could move our bedroom to that small mid-section between the “office” and our “bedroom.” That would also be a lot of work, but it’s possible. If a door was built between the mid-section and our current living area, and another door between the mid-section and the office, it might be practical to have a “friends-area” out here and still be possible for me to go hide out in the office. This solution however would still be long-term and not easily created within a month or two.
In fact, (now that I’ve thought it through) I think these are the only two real practical options: We could move our bedroom into the mid-section, or we could put a My Boyfriend-area in the game room. If neither of these agree with you then I don’t see anything that can be done about it. You certainly can’t bump beats and smoke blunts in the living room. My mother would probably have to be hospitalized and my dad would probably have your balls for dinner on principle alone. (If that didn’t make you laugh then I’ll go catch a flying pig!)
In the case of the two other issues: If you believe I don’t know what I’m talking about then you need to find a way of saying it that doesn’t imply I’m lying. It’s really hard to contain my emotions when I feel like I’m being accused of lying. Also, if you think my feelings are retarded, then by all means don’t say so. I find that having my feelings deemed retarded is not only offensive, but hurtful, not to mention not at all helpful. And you know damn-well if I called your feelings retarded that you’d be just as angry or upset.
We need to be able to debate like adults and not like three-year-olds. Name-calling, cursing, storming-out, crying, screaming, raising our voices, bringing other people into the situation and dismissing the other person’s point are all unhelpful and in-fact; damaging. This sort of thing damages our relationship. Kisses and time-spent together and effort and conversation are all investments; whereas this is taking a metal-bat to our love-bank. If we could have calmly resolved this instead, it would have been another investment instead of a blow. Don’t you agree?

Arguments happen because people disagree. Obviously, if you disagree then you believe that you are right and (of course) the other person is wrong. Unfortunately it’s much more complicated than that when it comes to the actual truth of the My Bestfriender. However, if you’re upset and I’m upset than the argument is no longer about the truth; it’s about proving that you’re right so that the other person will shut up and make you stop feeling like shit. (In a nutshell, I’m sure I could word that a bunch of different ways to make slightly different impacts, but you get the point I’m making here; if we’re both upset than the truth is no longer relevant to either of us.)
Because we love each other it’s that much easier to become upset. We’re appalled the other person could say something so hurtful! Am I right? When I say something “retarded” it hurts so much more because I’m supposed to be the bright and wonderful perfect girl you want to marry, right? But, because we love each other, it’s that much more important that we don’t lose our cool. And frankly babe, it’s really hard for me too. My throat gets all choked up, and I feel like I’m trapped and there is nothing to do but scream at you that you’re wrong and heartless. But that’s not the answer, and we both know it.
In my opinion; in order to not make each other lose our tempers we need to do two things;
– Firstly, not say anything we know is going to piss the other person off, and in addition to not saying that would piss us off it was said to us.
– Secondly, to try our hardest to see the other person’s point and respond calmly and as reasonably as possible to what is being said.
Also, it would help if you said things like “Are you upset because it’s personal or because you think people are going to steal from you?” Instead of saying that you believe that I’m lying about what I’m saying.

...So I just got off the phone with you. It’s ten o’clock now. I feel a lot better now I’ve spoke with you. Warmer, actually. In fact, I almost feel like I can do something other than write this letter now. It’s like being upset about you puts me under this spell where I can hardly do anything at all. I guess that’s why they say “love hurts” huh?
While removing yourself from the situation to cool off is better than continuing to get more angry, we can’t do this every time we disagree. I am a woman, and I am going to seem like a mom a lot of the time. These should (in my opinion) both be good things. As a woman, I can offer a different perspective and a number of services. As a “motherly figure” I can offer my concern and my love and my rules for keeping our relationship and our lives as safe and as fulfilling as possible.

Love,
Atara

Drunk Driving

2008-12-29T17:15:00.000-08:00

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 5:11pm

I can barely think, much less do anything useful.
5:16pm... I got up at 3:39pm. I was up until seven o’clock in the morning last night. My Boyfriend and I had a wonderful Sunday... He’s even trying to resolve arguments permanently. This is a first. He’s never come around and then compromised with me and apologized and concluded that we need never have the same argument because we’ve now found an answer...
I’m genuinely impressed. I think might waste my day way on AIM or something... Or not; the internet is being silly...
Not quite as silly as my parents...
My father got picked up for drunk driving on Friday night. He spent Saturday there. Sunday he came back. I have no idea what the story is. All I know is that both my parents are miserable and bickering. I want to fix it. I was to talk them down. I want to comfort them both. And yet I feel completely incapable of even asking my mom what’s been going on; much less asking my dad.
Fuck my body hurts... It feels like... Worms. I feel like the pain is this house is so palpable that I’ve absorbed it into my body... I can’t even write about it anymore... I’m going to put on some music and digital paint...

6:44pm...
I say: (6:44:09 PM): I was going to leave my boyfriend last month because he was falling into the same trap. He's making an amazing turn around these past three weeks however, so I'm giving him another chance.
Random Guy Says: (7:24:26 PM): lucky him
I say: (7:24:50 PM): Yeah; he's beginning to really understand how lucky he is; and that can change a lot.
Random Guy Says: (7:25:04 PM): aye...'tis true
I say: (7:25:32 PM): I said outright to him last night: "This is going to sound really stuck up, but I'm a very unusual and unique girl. And I won't settle for being treated any less than what I deserve." In other words; I rock, so you have to rock or I'll leave. lol.
Random Guy Says: (7:26:14 PM): lol...*claps*...well played
I say: (7:27:09 PM): We've been together for two years and nine days now. When we met we were very different people from who we are now; so these past three or four months we've been establishing our roles in our relationship and in life all over again. I don't either of us realized how far apart we'd grown until we almost broke up on Thanksgiving.
Random Guy Says: (7:27:53 PM): aye...who'd he still think you are?
I say: (7:30:52 PM): Well... For one thing, he's got past issues with women; he forgets I'm not like his mom, or his clients, or his co-workers, or his boss, or his ex. I'm not like any other woman he's met, so he forgets I won't act like other women he knows. And on top of that, I've swung even farther from the norm over the past year
Random Guy Says: (7:33:03 PM): How so?
My answer:
I was different than other girls when he met me in the first place by virtue of being extremely open-minded, sexual and freaky and yet not that flirtatious, honest and willing to speak my mind, outspoken and spontaneous.
I’ve been looking for husband material for a long time. Back then my ideas of what a good husband would be were a bit broader than they are now. When him and I met I was only a month out of a two-year abusive relationship in which the guy was a Rastafarian Jamaican Marital Artist who was a bit out of his mind. I had nothing else of real interest to talk about for a long time other than him which gave My Boyfriend the notion that I wanted to get back with the guy; which was nuts because I left that guy, not the other way around.
After throwing a bunch of house parties, trying out an open-relationship with My Boyfriend and going on a month-long road-trip with my Dad I came to some realizations; First of all – drinking sucks. Second; parties are a lot of work and reap little to no benefit. Third; open-relationships only work if you’re not in love or if you both have past lovers and are truly okay with the person you love sleeping with someone else.
So, we decided to become loyal to each other. He quit smoking cigarettes for me. I quit drinking. I also became much more interested in my health; I quit eating sugar, breads, pastas, dairy and meat. (I now eat meat and dairy and whole-grain wheat in very small portions from time to time to balance my nutrient intake.) I lost thirty-pounds. I stopped hanging around all of my ‘old-friends.’
I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a home-body. I’m not interested in ever getting a full-time job. I want to be a stay-at-home mom and home-school my children. I want to nurse them until their milk-teeth grow in. I’m not interested in doing any drugs or being with someone who does. I’ve taken a new-found love of board-games and have started up Friday-night board games at my house.
I care about the environment and politics and the well-being of the world more than anyone else I’ve ever met and that’s only grown over the past year. I like to take care of my man; I love to give back-rubs, pedicures, baths... I like to ride on top; I like to give an orgasm more than I like to have one. I want to take care of my husband in each and every way. I like to be bothered constantly by my love. I like phone calls and public groping.
I’m much more interested in love than money and objects. I’m more interested in having one person to love than having a plethora of friends. I’m more interested in the well being of the planet than TV. My religious and spiritual views are so far removed from the norm that I don’t even talk about them. I want to move to Japan. And I suppose those are only the basic reasons why I’m different from all the other women I meet; or people in general for that My Bestfriender.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 8:54pm

I’m listening to terrible hold music while waiting to speak to an hp tech-support person. The recording told me my printer is out of warrantee, but hopefully it was mistaken because in the summertime I purchased an additional year warrantee. Serial number... Model number... Phone number... What’s the problem? Well, red ink prints out with streaks and blotches. Cleaning the printhead doesn’t solve the problem. Changing the ink, restarting my computer, unplugging the printer and so forth do not solve the problem.
She just asked me if I know someone named Cathy... And she’s telling me I have no renewed warranty. She’s telling me she’ll sell me a new printer for less than the normal price... I’m telling her I can’t afford that... Oh how this makes me angry. So they’re not going to send me a new one because they messed up their records. Dandy. I can still print black and white, but still; what a royal pain in the ass.
The thing cost $350 two and a half years ago; the two-year ran out, and I paid $40 or $50 for another year six months ago, and now they're telling me that I didn't. This thing has had one error after another; they’ve sent me a new one around five times now. I’ve never banged one up; never dropped one; never did anything out of the ordinary to them. They just keep breaking on me one way or another. The lady tells me (in her accent that I can barely understand) that I can upgrade to a new model that is “the same printer but better” than costs “two-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninty-nine cents on the market” but that I can get it for $150 or something along those lines. No, I can’t afford that. I want my free replacement. In fact, there is no way I’d buy another printer that is “the same but better” when I’ve had so much trouble with this one! Especially not when their tech-support sucks so much ass.

Monday, December, 29th 2008 at 10:50pm

Hey My Mentor ,
Happy New Year!
I never expect a prompt reply from you so don't worry about it -- you're a busy man with a lot of demands on you.
What's interesting is that I did make it into City Honors; but my mom knew that I was a lazy brat and she sort of told me that if I chose to go to City Honors that things would be a lot harder for me. I'm not sure what her intentions were but for my Freshmen year I went to Traditional High School. At the time I would have told you I was fine with how everything was working out, but now looking back on it I was an idiot not to go to City Honors.
What's interesting to me is that you've described Colin as an exact invert of me school-wise. I was the awkward, and annoying know-it-all who loved Algebra and did terribly in History. (I've realized recently one of the major things that made my peers dislike me so much is that I was very quick to get an adult involved. If another kid picked on me I told my parents or a teacher. I was always much more interested in what adults had to say than other kids and I think the other kids resented that.)
Another interesting point is that just last night I was watching an anime (Japanese cartoon) where a sixth-grader was his class president and was doing all sorts of things for his class and the episode included his acceptance speech. I turned to My Boyfriend and asked; "Did any school you ever went to have a class president that actually did anything," and he said yes. I found this to be incredible news because at no school I've ever been to have I ever voted for a class president, met a class president or seen a speech by one. Though this would point to there not being any at any of the schools I've ever been to, I find that unlikely since I've been to so many. Perhaps I was just very oblivious? Anyway, I think it's amazing that Colin is participating actively (and successfully) in class-government.
Australia... I couldn't even imagine it. I've been dreaming of going to Japan; but I've recently become ambitious enough about it to look up dollar to yen conversion as well prices in Japan. It would by no means be cheap to visit; but that hasn't made me stop wanting to go.
Currently my life plan (go ahead, laugh, yes, my "life plan" ... okay, now I'm laughing at myself...) is as follows: Finish writing my novel (which I wrote the first 50,000 words of in November for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) mostly for fun, but now I've become very passionate about the story and am coming close to the end of the book), second is to finish creating my board game (the game plays with 2-6 players and I expect it to take 1 to 6 hours depending on how it's played and will be similar to StarCraft -- though I didn't know that until I got Starcraft the board game for Christmas), and third to go to college probably in January of 2010. I'm hoping to have both the novel and board game published before then. If I didn't believe that were possible, or if I didn't think that they were both publish-worthy I would have given up by now. But I'm very certain that my first-draft of this book is better than about 25% of the fantasy novels on the shelves right now, and I'm also positive that likewise is true for my game. Perhaps that's cocky, but I feel it's true.
That's my public life right now; on a more personal note My Boyfriend and I have been together for two years now (December 20th 2006 was when we started going out) and while our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, it's currently on an up. My father recently spent a night in jail for drunk driving and he's said that he's going to quit drinking so I expect that he's going to be different in the months to come. My mother is stresses and aching as usual (sorry to say) and unfortunately I wasn't able to make Christmas very good for her. We had a very uncomfortable little Christmas this year. If you have a space in your well-wishes, both my parents are in serious need of emotional, physical and spiritual healing.
Speaking of which, when did you see my mom?
PS: Just to add a happier note to this, I realize this is sounding pretty depressing overall; for the first time in my life I've been blessed with a couple of good friends. I've met a girl and a guy who I think will be in my life for a very long time. They're both in college and they're very open-minded and interesting people. While I've called many people in my life before "friends" these are the first peers I've met who I can honestly say are worthy of being called friends. I never knew how much my world-view was based on the fact that every peer I met was another person just wasting away their life on either drugs, boredom or bad company. Meeting some people of my own generation who don't fall into those categories has really brightened my outlook.
Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 9:46am

I begin the last day of the year with an argument and a lot of tears. It’s my fault; it really is. I know he ought to forgive me. Then I’d feel alright again. He’s not forgiving me...
It’s freezing cold. I’m wearing three blankets and yet I really need to be wearing an entire outfit and three blankets right now. If I keep typing my fingers will go numb. It’s incredible the laptop can run when it’s so cold to the touch. I wonder if it’s okay for it to be this cold?
My eyes are red for some unknown reason. They’ve been that way since sometime early yesterday. I’m guessing it was the shampoo I got in my eyes; the only thing is; I’ve gotten shampoo in my eyes a bunch of times and never had my eyes turn so red. They were still like this when I went to sleep, and now when I wake. Of course, I’ve cried a bunch this morning and last night – but they’re not that watery-tear-filled-pink color. They’re deep red right along the bottom eyelid.
My eyes have also been hurting frequently. I think I need my glasses prescription changed. I can no longer read street signs with my glasses on and I find myself leaning in towards the computer to read which is a real bother. I hope I don’t end up having to wear glasses to see my monitor. That would just blow so much...
Another odd thing was that sometime last week I noticed one of my irises was more dilated than the other by quite a bit. This, of course, happens when one eye is being exposed to more light than the other. I closed my eyes and put my hands over them for about thirty-seconds expecting them to be back to normal – but they didn’t change. Then I tried staring into the light for around ten seconds and they still didn’t change. That freaked me out a bit.
...I hate being awake right now. I’m freezing cold. I’m tired. I have a long day ahead of me. I have to go to the post office. I’m going to Asa’s for New Years Eve – and now I’m almost certain to be tired for that. I guess it’s imperative that I catch a nap. But when shall I do that?
I could go to the post office now. I wonder how My Boyfriend would feel about that. (Strange that I still have that conflicting voice in my head screaming; hell with what My Boyfriend thinks!) And yet... I’m not sure if I ever really felt that way; it’s just something I kept telling myself in order to try and move away from my behavior patterns.
My eyes are sort of burning now... Pressing my freezing cold fingers to them feels like bliss... In a very unhappy sort of way. I feel so very empty in a very hurt and down sort of way.
I know on an intellectual level that as a human being I have worth. I know on an intellectual level that while I what I said was bad, it’s not worth all of this; at least it’s not worth this much with our history. On an emotional level I feel like my entire life is just meaningless. I know on an intellectual level that this is just because I feel lonely. It’s because I’m seeking the unattainable daddy-love; just like Erica Jong writes about in her Isadora Wing trilogy.
On an emotional level, it doesn’t help. Nothing my intellect can tell me is going to change how I feel. And that’s how My Boyfriend feels. He knows that he ought to forgive me (I think) and he knows that he’s done worse to me many times (I think) and he knows that many times when I probably shouldn’t have; I forgave him (I think.) It doesn’t help to know those things; the bottom line is that what I said was hurtful.
It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I didn’t mean it the way that he took it. It doesn’t My Bestfriender that I apologized; several times now. It doesn’t My Bestfriender if I crept out of bed completely naked in the cold to try and talk to him and touch him and to get him to come back to me. No, those things change nothing. The problem is that he’s right. Not completely right; not right on all counts; but right on the most important principle: It’s my attitude or rather, my mind-set, that counts.
I don’t like being out-witted, and I don’t like being wrong; but much, much, much worse than that is the fact that I am guilty as charged. My mind-set has been; “See if My Boyfriend can pull this off; if not, what next?” Yeah, that’s a very boiled-down, blunt way to put it. Of course it’s not the whole truth; but in a nutshell, that is how I’ve been thinking.
The only major problem with boiling down my mind-set to that level is that it completely removes how I feel from the picture. And while my intellectual self knows that I can and will move on if things don’t work out; my emotional self doesn’t feel that way.
The truth is that I’d be completely heart-broken without My Boyfriend; and I know it. Never mind the fact that I’ve already cracked over and over again throughout this relationship; nothing changes the fact that until it’s over, it’s never completely cracked.
And I hate to admit it, because it feels weak and unworthy, but these past few weeks have made me fall back in love again. Of course I’ve admitted this to My Boyfriend, but I still feel like it shouldn’t be enough. Perhaps that’s the intellect telling me it shouldn’t be enough? And yet emotionally it’s clearly enough.
His mind-set has clearly changed. Could it revert? Probably; but maybe it won’t. He clearly is madly in love with me. Could that change? Of course it could; taking it for granted would be foolish. He’s been trying very hard, even if he has made a few small slips. The real question is; has it been enough? And intellectually I want to question if it’s been enough; but it obviously has been enough. I’m still here, after all.
That’s the root of it: regardless of all other factors – if things were to continue this way, then why leave? I’m content with this. I’m quite in love with this man – who is already dressed. It’s only 10:10am.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 4:55pm

A guy says: (4:55:47 PM): Hey there...going well?
I say: Yeah, writing on my novel
A guy says: yeesh...you sound like a busy little beaver
[SPOILER]
I say: The last paragraph I just wrote: "When I had agreed to this bit of alien insanity I hadn’t really processed the thought of a live baby of my own flesh. I hadn’t imagined in my wildest dreams that I’d be on a ship with my Doldaus grandfather, my mostly Nakian cousin whom I’d always believed was my baby sister, a commander of the bastard prince’s troops, while a pale and handsome Iriefe pulled our baby out of it’s incubation chamber." I’m on page 117 currently.
[END SPOILER]
A guy says: Not bad...I wasn't figuring on sci-fi.
I say: The main plot revolves around our main character's nation falling apart. The sub plots include the main character discovering she's been lied to about her linage, several suitors, and traveling around the world I've invented. Of course there is your fair share of secret societies, renegades, people who aren't what they seem, and nasty characters who seem to enjoy torture, and a couple of your "bad guys" who turn out to simply be logical people who have no problem with killing to reach their lofty and altruistic goals.
A guy says: Impressive...*claps*
I say: I'm convinced it's book-shelf worthy, and I've already got a few fans. Anyone who has read any part of it says it's like reading any other published book or better; and it's only a first draft. I write in my blog every day and have since I was 11, so I think all my writing practice and my creativity are finally working in harmony together. And I've also been doing a lot more reading; which always helps.
A guy says: Aye...tis true. Doing well otherwise?
I say: Well, I have a fight with My Boyfriend this morning, but I think we worked it out already.
A guy says: That's good; plus fights can lead to make up sex which can be good.
I say: Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
A guy says: true enough...which is not to say that a bit of crazy sex every now and again can't be loads of fun; even if you do feel a little guilt afterwards
I say: I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
A guy says: Good for you...I can definitely get behind a desire to want good things in one's life
I say: Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
A guy says: Sounds like you've definitely made some changes for the good.

Wednesday, December, 31st 2008 at 5:54pm

Kali (Jeremy’s cousin) sends me an instant messenger. Him and I once “went out” for a week between my the end of my relationship with My First Love and the beginning of my relationship with Tre. Part of the reason we didn’t really go out was because (after all) he’s My First Love’s cousin, and another reason was that I was just rebounding onto the first thing that looked even remotely eligible, and there were another handful of reasons.
We’ve talked a few times since then, but not a whole heck of a lot. He’s read what I have so far of my novel and I’m considering him one of my “fans” at this point. After talking about that for a while we go onto more interesting and serious topics:
I say: (6:08:38 PM): Things could have been interesting if I had truly tried to make a real relationship with you instead of going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex for two years.
Kali says: It was just too wrong; I mean u just broke up with my cousin.
I say: Of course, going out with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was crucial to building the character that I am now. He made me a lot stronger by leagues and bounds mentally and physically. Rather, your cousin broke up with me. I was such a mess. Hard to believe I had my panties in such a twist over it looking back, but heck, first love is first love.
Kali says: Thats why it was wrong in my book; if My First Love got together with my first love he'd have to go; she would too.
I say: I can see that; though time heals all wounds. If it wasn't so soon it would be different -- for example (not suggesting, so don't get any ideas) -- if it were now I don't think it'd be "wrong" for that reason anymore.
Kali says: um im taken, I wouldn’t have the time to foster a relationship plus I cant be that selfish; not saying that I wouldn’t
I say: I was only saying that it being wrong was only relevant because it was so soon at that time. It's sort-a old news now no My Bestfriender what Janet thinks, heh. I'm taken too you know.
Kali says: I stopped caring what she thought a while ago
I say: Yeah, I never really cared what she thought in the first place... I love My Boyfriend, and I want it to work, but we have so much bad history that it's always putting doubt in my mind despite how much things have changed for the better. He's angry that he's been trying so hard and that I still have doubts, but that just makes me angry because I dealt with him doubting me for over a year; and he didn't even have a reason to doubt me!
Kali says: doubt is bullshit... that’s what I figured. I totally fucked up and lasharee stayed with me so thats true love: when you do that and he stays, doubt has no place in your relationship.
I say: Yeah, My Boyfriend fucked up seriously bad and I'm still here, so I feel like he has no right to get mad at me -- at least not for another four months or so.
Kali says: You plan on fukkin some other guy in four months?
I say: No, I just mean that he owes it to me to not be mad at me after all I've forgiven him for.
Kali says: I see. Well im gonna put this out there since we are somewhat on the topic, id like to hit that one day. If the opportunity comes up. Other than that try to stay faithful to your significant other.
I say: I'll say to you what I said to someone else today; in a different context, but it applies:
Make-up sex is overrated. I thought it was amazing in my first and second real relationships. Now I see it just as sex with relief instead of love. Sex is only as good as the emotion you feel when you have it. Good sex comes from deep love, and sometimes from lust. Crazy sex from anger, guilt, misery, relief or grief is only manic and insane; not pleasurable and it's often regrettable.
I'm no longer interested in temporary fun. If it doesn't lead to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, prideful, happy, content or pleased then it undoubtedly wasn't worth doing; in my opinion.
Of course, having bad things in life is what led me to that conclusion. I've had sex just for the sake of having sex where no love was involved; and each time I regretted it. One-night stands don't amount to anything but bad memories. Every action is either an investment in future misery or an investment in future happiness; be it eating, sleeping, fucking, hugging, dancing, kissing, talking, writing, reading or watching TV. It all effects your overall person and the overall outcome of your life and therefor anything you can't look back on and say 'it's good that I did that' is something you shouldn't do in the first place. Based on this philosophy I've changed my diet, changed my friends, changed my habits, changed my thinking pattern and overall become a person I'm much happier with. While things still upset me I'm not walking around with that constant feeling of guilt and regret anymore. It's such a huge relief to know I'm doing what I can for myself. I wish everyone would live their life based on that.
Kali says: all that... damn that’s deep
I say: (6:23:41 PM): In other words; unless one day I fall in love with you, it wouldn't happen.
Kali says: You didn’t have to sum it up: im smart you know
I say: *bows* I can be deep from time to time. I realized that when you asked for what sort of editing I was looking for and mentioned prepositions and the end of sentences.
Kali says: yeah I do that my English prof kicked ass
I say: I bet it did.
Kali says: as much as I agree with how you feel I respect that
I say: You still want to "hit that" though? Everyone wants to hit this now that it's gotten so fine; lol!
Kali says: but I havent been hurt so badly that I need to fall in love with someone else to do that, I feel I need to do that so there's no need for it later when im married
I say: I want to hit my damn self; I had a dream about it.
Kali says: silly ass; besides im in college I have to experience other types of women besides my own skin color
I say: Ah. That's an interesting way to look at it. My Boyfriend won't date or sleep with black girls, lol.
Kali says: why not?
I say: And I turned Tre; he says he'll never date or sleep with another black girl again. He doesn't like the look or attitude
Kali says: that’s kinda racist don’t ya think: all women have attitude
[By the by, Kali, My First Love and My Boyfriend are all black; or mixed or African American or whatever you feel most comfortable calling it.]
I say: I wouldn't screw a rican guy. I don't believe I have much of an attitude. But then again, I'm an exception. Or date a rican guy.
Kali says: Put any women in a situation where she has to defend her integrity attitude will come out.
[This is true for any man too; it’s really a human thing. Just that men are more likely to get physical over it.]
I say: I probably would never do it or go out with an Asian guy either -- but give me an Asian girl any time
Kali says: I can see that rican and Asian guys cant hit all the walls
I say: I learned how to put an attitude on in those situations from Tre; before him, I wouldn't have defended myself. One of the main reasons I was walked all over as a kid is because I had no attitude, not even as a put on
Kali says: Lasharee is was and still is like that im trying to put a stop to it. only thing is she still takes shit from me.
I say: I see. That can be a difficult situation. My mom always says "if you don't put your foot down, they won't take you seriously."
Kali says: Not outrageous shit like fucking someone else, I mean like they way I talk to her; all men live to be told what to do, except for a few.
[That’s an interesting statement coming from a man; too bad we didn’t discuss that thought further from there.]
I say: Oh, if I could take my attitude back in time... Whew; Joanna would have got it from me!
[Joanna is My First Love’s younger sister; I think she’s a year younger than me.]
Kali says: then you would’ve gotten it from me; family IS family no My Bestfriender how annoying then chose to be
I say: Joanna did some shit in my own house a number of times that was just abominable.
Kali says: well if that’s the case then let her have it
I say: Meh, I probably still wouldn't have said anything. Black girls in general scare me; and that's just the truth.
Kali says: im thinking it was in the street; and that’s kinda racist, honestly rican girls scare me a lil, too many relatives that would beat my ass if we broke up
I say: Joanna would kick my ass, and there is no point denying it; come to that. Oh yeah, rican girls are terrifying
Kali says: I can only fight for so long
I say: They have endless cousins!
Kali says: tell me about it.
I say: Black girls generally only have two or three other crazy black girls. Rican girls have three brothers, eight cousins and twenty friends. Me? I have two half brothers, a dad and a boyfriend. None of which will appear to save me.
Kali says: I just have jawayne, cliff, maybe joe... possibly tujuan.... my other cousins live outta state.
I say: TuJuan! Now there is a funny topic.
Kali says: (6:34:58 PM): why is he funny?
I say: Tell me why every-time he sees me he tries to fuck me. God damn it, I'm not interested!
Kali says: he figures your still easy
I say: Psh, I never was easy; just horny.
Kali says: he should go back to college... I gotta say it easy and horny mean the same thing.
I say: If I was so easy, then why didn't Chuck fuck me? He wanted to; and I was like "ugh, I just met you."
Kali says: yeah I said that shit; uh I didn’t fuck you either
I say: And what's funny is that Chuck looks so much better than almost every guy I fucked around that time!
I say: *sigh* Chuck would have been so much better than Ronnie.
Kali says: Yeah chuck's a good lookin’ man
I say: Wow, let's not talk about how dumb I was at 13, okay?
Kali says: whoa you were only 13 I thought you were 16 I wouldn’t even considered dating you
I say: I was after My First Love, I was thinking of before... When I was fucking Ronnie. The only reason I was labeled easy is because I talked about sex a lot and because I was fucking two different guys that everyone knew for an extended period of time. Of course, then there was the fact that I became infatuated with Adam for a while; but that wasn't me being "easy" either. I mean, I did have some sort of basis I was going on. This is a losing battle, isn't it? I guess all I'm trying to say is that I would have never slept with TuJuan, even back then... Damn it, I guess that's not entirely true either. Well, I never would now, in any case. psh!
[Just hypothetically speaking here; when I was fourteen if I had been single it wouldn’t have been that hard for TuJuan to sleep with me. I was so easily turned on, and so quickly lost control that it wouldn’t have taken rocket science to crack me; which is why I said it’s not really true that I never would have. However, considering that TuJuan is dating My First Love’s mother and has been for ages and ages, I would have never done it considering the fact that I was with My First Love. And yeah, sure as hell would never happen now.]
Kali says: no it isn’t and it wasn’t a good label to have no at 13
I say: You know I have had nightmares about cheating ever since the Adam thing -- it's been going on for years now.
Kali says: tell me about it seriously; maybe I can help you understand what it was about
I say: (6:42:49 PM): In my dream I'll become infatuated with some guy, and we'll be making out or fucking or something and then either my man will walk in the room or I'll suddenly remember in the dream that I'm taken and then I'll either stop right away or start crying while continuing. I've had at least a dozen that I can remember. They're each different. I have not had one in a month or so now though.
In the dreams I never actually remember I have a boyfriend. I'm never choosing to cheat - it's always an accident. I always feel so stupid when I suddenly remember I'm taken; I'll scream at myself "how could you forget?" In only one or two of them was I actually caught. Usually I remember and just feel mortified.
Kali says: Well that would come from the guilt from pleasure that you want, and everyone around you wasn’t making exactly feel "great" about yourself, now that you've changed your ways and people are nailing you to the cross about your past. Should I dig deeper?
I say: Well, yeah. I think it had a lot less to do with other people than one might think. Are you aware of the first incident, about three months into my relationship with My First Love? Perhaps it was two months - I don't know. It was definitely no later than three months. Ronnie came over some time after My First Love left; and it was a very cold winter day and my parents keep the heat very low. And we already had so much history and at the time I didn't realize how much more real and important what I had with My First Love was. So I was cuddling with Ronnie on the couch and I got really worked up. We got all the way to the point of penetration. Two strokes and I was so filled with guilt that I stopped, and began to cry and told Ronnie to fuck off. And he left, and then I spent the whole day hating myself and then confessed to My First Love sometime not long after.
The cheating dreams actually probably started after that incident, not after Adam. Technically, that's the only time I cheated. With Adam; My First Love and I were "separated" at the time. It never really was about what other people said about me; I felt terrible about myself without anything having been said. Anyway, I enjoy being analyzed, so go at it all you like
Kali says: Guilt is the minds way of punishing yourself because, you would be hurt if it were happening to you. and if this happened with My First Love whom you say was your first love, then some part of you wishes that you two were still together, even though that part may be minute, "even the tiniest snowball can turn into an avalanche" don’t steal that quote. What I mean is that either you know My First Love is the best thing that happened to you and your guilty that you let him get away. or im completely wrong
I say: While that's at least partly true I don't think that has too much to do with the dreams, since I also felt terrible about continuing to sleep with

Jeremy when I was already beginning to be involved with Tre. In fact, (don't ever repeat this) there was a day when My First Love came over for the purpose of having sex with me and I said; "I can't do this anymore. I'm in love with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex now."
Kali says: in your dream you said everything was an "accident" I think what you meant was mistake, and you never were "caught" some part of you felt bad that no one did ever catch you in the act, if you were then everything is out in the open, you take whatever karma gives you then you can move on
I say: I did confess. I couldn't hide it; that would feel like lying and lying is almost as bad as cheating.
Kali says: I didn’t say that you didn’t confess
I say: (7:05:37 PM): I didn't mean to contradict you; only to expand upon.
Kali says: I know that. im saying guilt made you confess you felt horrible that you got away with that
I say: Though, beyond mistake; in the dreams it really is an accident; in the dreams I really don't "know" that I have a boyfriend. I just suddenly remember in the mist of the act. I never thought about that aspect - I didn't want to get away with it. Getting away with it would make me feel even worse; aside from feeling like a liar.
Kali says: that’s the kicker. you wanted to be caught and you weren't therefore you ratted yourself out
I say: I think the fact that the dreams still happen means I'm still scared of doing it. I had so little control over myself back then; and that lack of control is scary.
Kali says: control is a false sense of security that you can determine what situations come your way.
I say: I just had to be horny all the time at such a young age, didn't I? Couldn't be a crazy horny freak at 18 like normal people. Nope, I just had to mellow out at the time most girls start going nuts. What a royal pain. You know how much I resent the fact that I'm not horny all the time anymore? Now that I finally have a freaky-horny b/f? What a total dush for luck.
Kali says: Lasharee pretty much did the same thing, and now that you are with someone thats shows he cares sex doesn’t mean as much to you. Basically he's like lets try this and your like been there done that, and you don’t tell him but you think, so and so did this better
I say: I mellowed out while I was with Tre. After meeting My Boyfriend I was a horny-freak again for like three months, then it wore back off. I have the same appetite as a "normal woman" now... While sex for most people is very emotional; for those who have issues it's physical. What I mean to say is; I had a physical problem before -- I was more horny then than anyone I've ever met; it would take a hold of me and control my actions.
Now, I get horny based on my emotions; like we're probably intended to. But, isn't karma a bitch? I have a man now who wants sex three times a day -- not that he'd cheat to go get it, but he'll certainly watch his porn. And not that I don't oblige often, but there is only so often one can have sex when they're not particularly in the mood before it gets really old. He thinks it's something he's doing wrong when I don't want sex at least once or twice a day.
Kali says: That’s the thing you gave your mood to someone who you loved and second love is never the same as the first, cuz now your like sooner or later bullshit is coming, and im not the same anymore but he hasn’t been through the im horny stage; and being a guy, if your not a pretty boy no one is throwing pussy his way not at thirteen.
I say: Trust me; I really was out of the ordinary when it came to my sex drive. I was fucking anything in my house shaped remotely like a penis at the age of nine. Phone-sex with strangers by 11. Lost my virginity to my second boyfriend (of 6months) at 12. And I did that knowing we were doing it just to do it; sadly.
Kali says: Lash lost hers at 13 to some kid she barely knew. She just wanted to know what it felt like. Then years of cheating and thinking she was in love.
I say: My recent conclusion is that I was incredibly lonely. I was so lonely that it transformed into horniness when puberty hit.
Kali says: and now I have something all used and emotionally abused
I say: Yeah, same here. My Boyfriend has baggage for days. *sigh* I don't even truly remember what it was like to be so horny. Perhaps it would have ended sooner if I had orgasmed during sex sooner. I didn't start cuming during sex until I was 16.
I say: And that is around the same time it started winding down.
Kali says: So it must be true for all women
I say: Perhaps it was because I could never release it? I would literally go to sleep horny and wake up horny. Some pedophile's dream. All women? I've talked to at least ten different women about this and every single one of them was shocked and amazed. I've talked to even more different guys about it and they say that even they didn't have it that bad.
Kali says: (7:24:08 PM): At 13 your horny and sex feels good but no boy can take you over the top, until you meet someone who gives you an orgasm and your like im not horny anymore.
I say: My First Love was 17 going on 18; but I think it had nothing to do with the male.
Kali says: Just how you felt at the time
I say: The only reason I came with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was because he would move me for me; laying still was the key. I can't cum and move at the same time.
Kali says: Or he just wasn’t hitting your spot?
I say: I was all into being on top and stuff with My First Love. I would get so close and then just stay that way.
Kali says: Lasharee didn’t know she ever came until I told her what she was doing and now I want it and she's like im tired and your outta luck and not to mention she’s on her period
I say: Well, as much as I'd love to debate this all night; it's time go -- dad, mom and I are about to pile in the car with snackage and pick up Gerry and My Bestfriend and head over to Asa's house
Kali says: So no holiday pussy for me.
I say: Well, I'm much more obliging than that.

Christmas Entry

2008-12-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 3:29pm

This morning, as I requested last night, My Boyfriend woke me up to sex. Why did I request this? First off, I knew it’d be a good way to start the day. Second, I believed correctly that having planned on it; I’d dream of sex. And I did. (I dreamed My Boyfriend was fucking me in the ass and that it felt amazing... Odd dream, but very arousing.)
So we had sex. It was good sex. It was a perfect Christmas morning; all up until moments after it was over; he tells me he’s going to head over to his mom’s house. Do I have a problem with him going to his mother’s house? Of course not!
That’s not the point. Of course, My Boyfriend will never see that. The point is, that he never keeps his plans. Yesterday he went over there; he took the car. He was going to deliver his cards (and mine) to them and receive any presents they might have and then come back home. He was gone for just over three hours; but never did the exchange because only his father was home.
Since he went yesterday I asked if that meant he’d be taking off Saturday to visit his parents and also to have dinner at Robert’s and Patty’s house. He said last night that he was planning on it, though he wasn’t sure if it was a plan that would stick. It never occurred to me he might actually leave on Christmas day. It didn’t even really enter my mind. So for him to up and tell me this before I’ve even cleaned his cum off of me; first thing on Christmas morning... I was pissed; but I didn’t act pissed at all.
I refuse to spoil the holiday over it of course. We head downstairs, and my mother talks for a little bit about her past, and how her grandmother was once paid for an entire day’s work with an orange, which she took home and split with her family. This was considered reasonable back then. Hence; the oranges in the toe of a stocking. They really used to be that big of a treat.
Incidently, we didn’t put oranges in the toes of the stockings because of tradition but because we’re actually being cheap this year, but then. In the past, the total present cost under the tree has been often if not usually over one thousand dollars. If you think about it – three barbies, two shirts, gel pens and such for me as a kid; and for dad a couple of sweaters, a mug, a pack of socks... The list would go on and on back in those days. I’d probably also have sticky pads, socks, chocolate, doll accessories and probably other things I can’t think of... Hair pins, and other hair items...
Now, I suppose we only just broke a few hundreds. I mostly used things I already had: I had a surplus of photo paper and printer ink, and I also had blank DVDs and CD cases. So I burned CDs and I made photo albums. I paid $33 for something like eight photo albums and... What else did I get at the same time? I’ve forgotten.
And aside from that, I spent like another $30 at wegmans on gifts. That’s really the total I spent. I have not spent that little since I was around... Ten, perhaps nine even. Of course, if we count what the photo paper, ink and CDs did cost once upon a time, it’d probably come out to a total of around $130 for everything; but still. I did well, and I’m pleased with myself.
In mom’s stocking there were: (is that the correct use of the subjunctive? “Were” instead of “was”?) two hand-made straw pan scrubbers (that I bought at the Eerie county fair for her), a toothbrush, a dental pick and mirror, a shot-glass that has measurements written on it (my mom has a shot-glass collection which is funny because she doesn’t drink in the slightest), a dining room glass (the other three came in a present – on sale at wegmans – a great buy), fluffy pink socks tied with a cute pink ribbon, an orange, and a very darling little book that is written just from child to mom. It’s a very beautiful book, and I agreed with it’s sentiment.
In my father’s stocking there were: several different types of nuts, several different types of chocolate, a toothbrush and an orange.
In My Boyfriend’s stocking there were: two three-inch-tall gargoyles, two creative multi-colored pencils, one putty eraser, two cargo pants pockets (cut off an old pair of cargo pants – he loves the pockets to them and carries a cut-off on in his bag for his art supplies).
In my stocking there were: nifty black and white paper clips in two sizes as well as in funky shapes (spirals and triangles), several pink sharpies, pink pens, pink pencils, mini-pink stapler, pink white-out thingy, a pink-mini-sticky-pad, a lime-green white-out, some pink-ribbon paper thingys, some nuts and an orange.
Presents from my mom to My Boyfriend: a white and green towel, a pocket knife, (and one week ago): a custom made tattoo machine.
Presents from mom to Dad: a matching vest, jacket and pants; many more nuts and snacks, and two books – I think both were political... One was by Barak Obama and the other was about the economy.
Presents from me to mom: four dining room glasses, a photo album including landscape pictures, some of My Boyfriend’s art, some of my art, some photos of the family and some photos of myself, and some very pretty red and gold ornaments (which were on sale at wegmans).
Presents from My Boyfriend to me: (we went shopping on Sunday and he bought me): two hoddies on sale ($6 each – amazing deal – I’m wearing the pink one now), one lovely short dress with a zipper front ($22 – which I’m also wearing now – My Boyfriend and I had sex in it just before he left actually), one pair of spandex pants (which I’m also wearing), and a pair of knee-high socks. And, upon my instruction... My Boyfriend also bought me Settlers of Catan and it’s expansion (board game) from the card shop which has had the game for ages and ages, so we’re doing it a favor and ourselves a favor at the same time.
[This is truly embarrassing but My Boyfriend wrapped the game and it’s expansion in a rather ugly wrapping paper, used double-stick tape on the outside of the package, didn’t use ribbon, didn’t fold the rough edges of the package in, and stuck on any-old bows... I wouldn’t mind perhaps if he’d gotten the gifts of his own volition. I might not mind if he’d used a prettier paper or wrapped it at least creatively... I might not have minded if I hadn’t specifically taught him how to wrap gifts last year, or if we hadn’t already had two x-mases together... However, considering all of that... And considering that he wrote to me and from him in large scrawled letters in red over the wrapping paper all over the top of the box... Yeah. It was almost painful to open. If you can’t wrap; use a gift bag.]
Presents from mom to me: one pair of black-thigh-high socks (which are to die for!), one pair of ankle warmers (which also fit my upper-arms to my delight), one large pink stapler, one custom pink stamp which says my name, my company name and my address (and prints in pink), one pink folder holder filled with tons of folders, five pink dots and one pink stripe to stick on a wall, one cute-gift-box filled with pink and black office odds and ends including a pink-capped white out and thumb tacks, one pink fluffy zipper-sweater, one used set of silverware (and it’s a very good set too – I like it a lot, and it came in a nice wooden box) and... Was there anything else? I can’t think of it.
One interesting note I’d like to add is that every bit of tissue paper, wrapping paper, ribbon, bows and bags that I used was reused from last year, some of which was reused even more than once at this point. I didn’t use a single scrap of new stuff on my wrapping except the tape. This year no one made fun of me or tried to stop me from saving all the paper, ribbons, and bows.
For breakfast my mom made eggs with potatoes and meat fried in them as well as sausages on the side, a bowl of sliced peppers and a bowl of fancy crackers. I ate half the bowl of peppers, one bite of the eggs and one of the tiny sausages. (I never eat sausages, so this was just a x-mas exception.)
So, yes, there was morning sex, My Boyfriend telling me he was leaving, then stockings amongst picture-taking by my mom and I, then breakfast, then a game of Race for the Galaxy (which Dad didn’t quite remember how to play), and which My Boyfriend won. After that everyone disappeared from the table in a great flurry. My Dad upstairs, mom to the kitchen, My Boyfriend up to the attic. My Boyfriend spent every moment that he was not eating, playing the game or opening a gift looking at his phone, texting and reading texts.
After getting everyone back together we opened presents. My Boyfriend moped. Dad disappeared into his book as soon as he’s opened it. Mom fussed about how her wrapping job wasn’t that good and about how there were not many gifts this year. I attempted to be festive and bobbed along with the Christmas music which I can barely stand just to try to get everyone in the spirit. I carefully folded the tissue papers, the wrapping papers, coiled the ribbons and put them carefully into gift bags for storage. I covered My Boyfriend in kisses, took a few dozen pictures, unwrapped my gifts; pretended to be mildly surprised by My Boyfriend’s presents... I made no remarks about Dad not buying or making anything for anyone...
In a way, I feel like Dad was the one in the spirit with me this year. I think Mom was really embarrassed about her quick-present wrapping jobs and about her second-hand gifts even though no one minded at all. Her gifts were still prettier than mine; and who cares anyway? It’s not a contest, as long as they look pretty, they look pretty!
And who cares if I detest holiday music? I sing along just because I no the words, but no one hummed or sang with me when ever I tried to get into it. I’m not really upset about any of this. Well, that would be a lie. Okay, I’m upset. No, I’m not upset, I’m disappointed.
I’m not unhappy with the gifts; mine nor anyone else’s. I’m not disappointed with the appearance of the living room; the village is lovely; and better than a Christmas tree in my opinion. I’m not disappointed with the timing of the breakfast. I’m disappointed with the overall attitude.
Corvier maintains the Christmas is about gifts; which is bitter, short-sighted and rude. Dad maintains that buying gifts is a waste of money and time; which is bitter and short-sighted and almost rude. Mom maintains that expensive gifts and perfect wrapping is appropriate conversation and what we should all be paying attention to which is annoying and depressing.
I maintain that Christmas is about showing your family that you care and being cheerful for once. Why can’t everyone be cheerful? Why can’t everyone just enjoy the fact that someone is showing their love in the only way they know how? I’m perfectly calm on the outside. I’ve been smiling all morning. Prancing around and being pretty and cute and loveable. Oh, but it was so hard to put on. And I put it on for them! And I guarantee it was only half appreciated, and by half I mean that mom three-quarters appreciated it and My Boyfriend and Dad split the other quarter.
When you do something for those you love you should receive bundles of appreciation, smiles, laughs and joy, right? Well, it used to be that way when I was little. I believe it should be that way. I want my family to be a family and it just won’t be and I can’t stand that. My Boyfriend put on a clear show of how he can be worse than my father when he doesn’t feel like putting on his “girl-friend mask.”
I’m very disappointed; and now that I’ve cried about it I’m going to move on with the rest of the day.
After presents were opened My Boyfriend went right upstairs, and so did Dad (by the opposite stairwell). Mom went to the kitchen to put on dinner. I folded up wrapping papers. My mom came out and talked to me for a bit about how things where when she was a child and about her siblings. Out of all my aunts and uncles (there were originally 12 of them, six on each side, though I’m not sure how many are still alive) I only really know three of them at all. Uncle Eugene on my Dad’s side, and on my mom’s side Aunt Martha and Uncle Boyce.
She told me:
After my grandfather died when I was around six years old (my dad’s father was dead before I was born), my mother’s siblings all sort of split-up. The guys split from the girls. (Four guys to three girls.) The guys wanted to sell the house and so they did. The father left Aunt Martha $20,000 dollars, just for her, and one of the boys was the executive of the will so he had to sign for her to get it. They tried to make her split it, but she reasonably refused. I would too if I had siblings like that. Aunt Susan ended up taking the “boy’s side” and left Aunt Martha and my mom alone out of the seven of them. Uncle Boyce and Aunt Martha hate each other; they call each other liars and thieves. I don’t know what to think about their opinions of each other really.
So that explains on their side why noone cares about my mom’s family, if even about her. On my Dad’s side I think it’s mostly just because my Dad is the youngest. Uncle Eugene, incidently is the oldest, and he lives in Buffalo and my Dad plays chess with him once a week before he goes out clubbing. (Yes, my Dad goes clubbing. It’s embarrassing, I know.)
After my mother and I talked about that for a bit, I carried my things upstairs. I ran into My Boyfriend on the stairs. He wasn’t coming downstairs to look for me, but rather he was coming down to ask my mom about the car situation. Trust me, I was irked. I took some pictures of my gifts and then I began this entry and here I am.
My Dad is probably picking up Eugene right now, if he hasn’t already brought him here. My Aunt (not my aunt by blood) and Gerry (who are now living together in a new house) are coming over for dinner. My Boyfriend doesn’t know if he’s going to be back for dinner or not. He took his bike, and I doubt he’ll be back for before ten o’clock and I’ve resigned myself to that.
Mom had just called me and informed me that I’m going to pick up Mary and Gerry. Dad and Eugene are downstairs playing chess and Mom will be working on dinner up until we have dinner. So she expects me to go pick them up in forty-five minutes. I’m mildly annoyed by this. Only because no one told me sooner, and I hate having things sprung on me. I had no idea Eugene, Mary and Gerry were coming yesterday, and I had no idea My Boyfriend wouldn’t be here for dinner.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles though, isn’t it?

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 10:13pm

(Corvier isn’t home yet. Dad left to take Uncle Eugene and Gerry home about half an hour ago. My mom is watching TV in the living room now.)
I’ve finally figured out the crux of the issue. It’s long-term vs. short-term. Being with My Boyfriend tomorrow sounds better than not being with My Boyfriend tomorrow. However, at this point in the day, I almost don’t want My Boyfriend to come home yet. It’s quiet and peaceful and I prefer that. That, right there, goes to show that our relationship isn’t healed as much as I had previously thought.
A few days ago I thought to myself “this could actually end up going somewhere; I can see us together for another six months or a year, and by then, who knows.” But today and yesterday have fully erased any thoughts of things making it that long. So why then, procrastinate?
Why not break-up with him tomorrow?
It’s a very hard question to answer. I know that I won’t do it tomorrow. But why not? If I know I’m going to do it sooner or later, what’s wrong with tomorrow? I can think of a zillion stupid reasons; petty reasons... But the deeper truth lies in hopes.
I hope that My Boyfriend becomes a better person, with or without me. But I don’t believe he’ll become a better person without me; and that’s very disappointing. No My Bestfriender how many things he’s done that anger me, I don’t hate him. I really like him, I really care about him... I do want him to do well in life. I have no ill-will towards him.
Yet, if we broke up tomorrow, he’d turn cold. He’d probably stop being very productive; he probably would start drinking again. I doubt he’d ever trust another woman again; and if so; then she’d be some incredible woman – who he’ll probably never find. I find that sad as well. He does deserve to be loved, doesn’t he?
But even so, none of those are reasons to sacrifice my own happiness. Yet, it’ll make me unhappy to leave him... For a time.
You see where this short-term and long-term come into play? Short-term, we’d both be miserable if I left him. Long-term I’d recover, but would he? Short-term, if I stayed, I’d continue with happy-highs and sad-lows. Long-term, if I stayed, who knows? Now I have just revealed why I’m still in the relationship. Did you catch that?
See, short-term I know I’ll be sad after leaving him. And short-term I know I’ll have some fun times if I stay. So short-term it’s easier to stay. Long-term without him I know I’ll recover and life will move on and things will change and a whole new set of obstacles will surely surface. If I stay, at the slow rate he’s been working at, he will improve. Unless, of course he reverts back completely which is a fear of mine. But in the long-term I do believe he could make a decent husband, but then again, it’s too big a chance that he might not. So, the long term is in question either way, leading me to just think about the short term.
Anyway, just for the sake of fairness, My Boyfriend would argue that he was so busy on his phone and left for the entire day because he wanted to see his parents who he doesn’t get to see all the time, though I always see mine. Of course, this is a complete bull-shit answer when you play everything out. Not because it’s bull shit that he wants to see his parents. I do believe he does. He does miss his parents; but it’s not his parents he’s texting on the phone. And beyond that, I guarantee that he’s not been with his parents for the last seven and a half hours. More likely he was there for two or three hours and has spent the rest of the day with Frankie, El, Connie and who-ever else.
Now that pisses me off. And he’s not answering his phone anymore, which is another big sign. And of all the audacity; you know what he said to me when I asked about when he was coming home?
He says; “It depends on if I’m having a good time. If I am, I’m not gonna be tryin’ to leave.”
What an ass-hole answer! You make plans, you keep your plans. You make commitments, you stick to them. You tell the truth to those you love, and you tell them how you truly feel about them, and you tell them your honest opinions about what’s going to happen, and you stick to your goddamned words! That’s just what you do. If you’re not doing that, then you’re hurting yourself as well everyone else.
I feel the inclination to call My Boyfriend repeatedly right now just so I can say “it’s impossible that you never once looked at it and then ignored it” but what’s the point? That’s a waste of my time, and purposely creating an argument for no reason.
Another thing that’s bothering me is that I offered him a ride to his mom’s house. He declined and said he’d take his bike. I was skeptical because of the cold. This was right before he left – but he got a ride somehow because he left his bike here, which means the ride must have been prearranged which means he lied to me about the bike. At least, I think he did; he might not have intentionally lied, but either way, he didn’t keep me updated. He didn’t tell me the truth, even if he didn’t purposely lie.

Friday, December, 26th 2008 at 1:59pm

I had a very interesting IM conversation last night, which is what distracted me from finishing my entry. I would edit it and post it, but I’d really rather get some words on my novel before Will shows up.
So, concerning where I left off last night; My Boyfriend got home at 1:30am. We curled up, talked, kisses and then slept. I enjoyed the rest of my night after he arrived; which brings me right back into the pit fall I don’t know how to avoid. Once we were all curled up and talking and laughing and smiling and kissing; how could I think of leaving?
Tre did something almost every day that was driving me insane; but with just a little prodding My Boyfriend has cleaned all of his stuff; he’s brought me tea this morning and made me feel loved. This is selfish thing for me to ask; but what if I can’t find another guy who’d do even that much?
Well, I guess I have the answer to that; I could find one. I just don’t think it’s fair to ditch a guy I love who is in love with me just because I think I could find a guy who’d give me more attention and who wouldn’t have anger issues and friends I didn’t like.
Then again, his overall actions yesterday were deplorable.
I just don’t want to leave him and regret it. That’s the bottom line. I feel like I’m going to regret it, so I keep it in the back of my mind; but I don’t do it.
I remember how My Crazy “Ninja” Ex reacted... It was heartbreaking, but in that scenario I was completely over it. I didn’t want what he was offering anymore at all. There really wasn’t more than one or two small reasons to stay; and a long list of huge reasons to leave. That was easy by comparison...
To list the pros and cons may help me; but at the moment I don’t really feel up to it.

Saturday, December, 27th 2008 at 7:53pm

Oh fuck, I have not been writing on my novel at all this past week. Honestly, all-around, I think Christmas this year was more of a heart-ache and a disruption than it was productive, fun and enjoyable.
Aside from the presents the only benefit at all was the living room being cleaner. I think (in terms of everyone I know) that it was more stressful than it was fun. I find that fact alone more depressing than any one particular event.
Perhaps I just try too hard: I try hard to make everyone realize their health is important and how to improve it. I try too hard to make everyone play board games and to understand and/or enjoy it. I try too hard to make an event cheerful even when I feel down. I try to make my relationship the best it can be. I try to do these things. I make a conscious and purposeful effort to do these things...
Corvier just came over to me; kissed me; apologized and told me that he’d “try to know more of his plans ahead of time.” This pleases me a lot.

Christmas Night:
I say: (11:04:54 PM): How are you doing? Merry Christmas!
Miruna says: (11:05:18 PM): I am doing well. But it is not Christmas anymore.
[Miruna lives in Japan.]
I say: (11:05:33 PM): Well, still is for another hour for me. I just had the most awkward, uncomfortable and not-particularly-fun or festive x-mas ever.
Miruna says: (11:05:48 PM): Ah. What kind of cake did you have? Oh. What happened?
I say: (11:06:24 PM): My Boyfriend took off early on in the day and didn't even eat dinner with me. My Uncle and Gerry came over -- they're both very old, and so are my parents... My uncle is so old he can barely do anything at all for himself. Gerry is a crazy old bat who gossips to no end and thinks she's a goddess and have out-there beliefs even by my standards. We all sat around and tried to play board games after eating dinner for many hours. It was painful most of the time. I can't say there was a single truly joyful moment in the entire day... It's really stark compared to how it was when i was a kid and we all went to my aunt's house. That was always so much fun. I never had an awkward x-mas at her house. It was always fun, always beautiful, always festive...
I say: (11:06:32 PM): Cake? We don't really do cake at our house.
Miruna says: (11:06:40 PM): Why not?
I say: (11:07:20 PM): Well, for one thing, we don't eat sugar much around here. My mom is diabetic pretty much. I don't even look forward to the holiday anymore now that we don't go over to my Aunt's anymore... We did every year for ten years, maybe twelve, I'm unsure. But it stopped when I was 15. Something about my aunt's declining health and not wanting to go through all the trouble. I'd thought I'd be bringing my babies there when I got into my twenties and was married, but I guess not. My cousin wasn't that much older than me; she could still have had us, but I guess she wasn't interested. What do you do for Christmas?
Miruna says: (11:08:35 PM): Trade gifts and eat cake like everyone else.
I say: (11:09:54 PM): Do you put up a tree? Do you open stockings? Do you eat breakfast, lunch and dinner as a family? The tradition on my mom's side, (how it's been for me) is that everyone gets a stocking with anonymous presents from everyone in the house, which we open before breakfast, and then we all eat breakfast together. Then sometime between breakfast and dinner we exchange presents, then we eat dinner together. Often a game is played in between.
Miruna says: (11:10:07 PM): Stockings?
I say: (11:10:54 PM): There always was a tree as a kid, and always was one at Aunt's Martha's too. But this year we didn't really find the time or money for it. You know, the holiday stockings -- not real stockings of course! Those things you hang up over the fire place. My Aunt Actually had a real fireplace to hang them over, we just hang them on the mantle.
Miruna says: (11:11:39 PM): You mean ornaments?
I say: (11:13:29 PM): No... Hm, guess you guys don't do it in Japan. It's a western thing I suppose. It's always "white" people in drawings with stockings I suppose. And also, I don't know anyone who eats cake specifically on Christmas, so that must be something that Asians do. I find that interesting, indeed. (You're not insulted by being called Asian are you? It's so hard to know that sort of thing...) Stockings... Well, they're like shaped like a foot, but they're the size of a boot, and they lay flat when nothing is in them... And hey, wait, I'll just show you the pictures.
Miruna says: (11:14:19 PM): I prefer to be called Japanese. Since I am. And also, China does not celebrate Christmas. Some Koreans do, though.
I say: (11:14:41 PM): Really?!?! Wow. Do Chinese people celebrate the Solstice? I think "we Americans" are very ignorant about the rest of the world in general.
Miruna says: (11:16:22 PM): The Chinese generally celebrate the Boxer Rebellion, in which the Chinese drove out foreign corporate interests, and the later Cultural Revolution, in which the Communist party gained power.
I say: (11:16:23 PM): Generally I revert to saying Asian because I don't want to insult someone who may be Korean, or Chinese or Japanese or Oknowan (which I've probably butchered the spelling of) and so forth. There is only like one "Asian" person in 100 people in Buffalo. I've never even heard of the Boxer Rebellion. When did that take place?
Miruna says: (11:17:40 PM): I think it was during the late 1800s, though I do not remember well. We do not study Chinese history much here.
I say: (11:18:01 PM): We don't study much of any history that isn't western here, and I don't even know much of that.
Miruna says: (11:18:02 PM): I am sure Wikipedia has something to say on it.
I say: (11:18:20 PM): It would be amazing to go to Japan.
Miruna says: (11:18:31 PM): It would depend on where you go.
I say: (11:18:34 PM): I can't imagine Japanese people surrounding me. And the language is so amazing... The kanji symbols are beautiful -- I started learning some of them for the fun of it. I can write "ko" and "ka" and "ki" and so forth.
Miruna says: (11:19:21 PM): Well, you should try, if you wanted to take a trip. Many Japanese people . . . tend to cluster when they see a foreigner. Which meanings?
I say: (11:20:08 PM): I've noticed that "Asians" tend to take a lot of random pictures of people - I've been photographed with tons of Asians I didn't know... Is that common? I don't have any idea what they mean, only which sound matches which symbol. Though I did know what coco meant.. I forgot.
Miruna says: (11:20:49 PM): That is not how kanji works. You may be thinking of kana, though.
I say: (11:21:07 PM): Oh, oh, duh, why did I call it kanji?? I meant hirigana. I just heard the word kanji today and I got confused.
Miruna says: (11:21:47 PM): Ah. I greatly prefer hiragana, myself. Though, it poses some problems.
I say: (11:22:06 PM): I've learned that all foreign words are written in completely different symbols. Which I find to be insane.
Miruna says: (11:22:22 PM): And as to photos, we just take pictures. Maybe Americans aren't as interested in pictures? Oh, you mean katakana?
I say: (11:22:32 PM): Yeah.
Miruna says: (11:22:44 PM): Katakana is like italics for Japanese readers.
I say: (11:22:58 PM): Americans take tons of pictures – but they don't walk up to someone and ask to take a picture with them, at least, not generally.
Miruna says: (11:23:12 PM): The two systems [kata and hira] are almost the same.
I say: (11:23:27 PM): Interesting; they don't look similar to me, but then again, my eyes are untrained
Miruna says: (11:23:41 PM): Oh, that. Well, in Japan, we rarely see foreigners in person. Most people would think of it as something to talk about.
I say: (11:23:56 PM): Hey, you know what's been driving me crazy? What on earth does a Japanese keyboard look like??? (I'm about to google it, I'm dying to see one.)
Miruna says: (11:24:48 PM): It depends on the machine it's connected to, but mine has eight typing rows, two shift and meta keys, a function row and a NP block.
I say: (11:28:48 PM): Hm, interesting. I've looked at like a dozen images, and all of them are of English/Japanese combinations. Kanji is the one where each symbol is a word, right? Were there ever keyboards that had kanji on them?
Miruna says: (11:29:06 PM): Absolutely not. To the kanji keyboard, that is.
I say: (11:29:12 PM): Ah. A kanji keyboard would be insane! And it would be wicked awesome.
Miruna says: (11:29:55 PM): A couple decades ago, we drastically reduced the number of official [non-name] kanji to 1945. I do not think they make desks big enough for that.
I say: (11:30:16 PM): Interesting. How many did there used to be? It would probably need a quad-shift key. Like, one shift key for one set of symbols, and then another shift key for another set, ect.
Miruna says: (11:30:25 PM): Oh, several thousand. Well, that is how we type kana.
I say: (11:30:55 PM): So that it wouldn't have that many more keys, just many more symbols per key. Oh, will it display on aim? I wanna see! I feel like a tourist suddenly. Do all websites handle kana on their search engines? Like, if you use kana on an English website search engine, will it give you an error?
Miruna says: (11:32:20 PM): Well, I use an English keyboard because of all the programming I often do. In e-mail, I usually use an interpreter.
I say: (11:32:21 PM): I suppose it would have to if nothing matched, come to think of it. Oh. So you can't type kana? I mean, at the moment, that is.
Miruna says: (11:33:01 PM): No, you can use kana and kanji in any search engine. Whether you get a result depends on whether what you've searched for exists. Just like English. And no, I cannot type non romaji at the moment. I rarely need to use the interpreter except for e-mail or search-engines anyway.
I say: (11:33:46 PM): I assume it'll only show results that turn up in the language you've searched in- right?
Miruna says: (11:34:56 PM): Well, if you type the kanji equivalent of, say, "see spot run", you'll find any page with that phrase. So it's exactly like searching in English, at least if you use Google.

I say: (11:35:44 PM): Do English letters look pretty to you? I've always thought our letters look so ugly and drab compared to kana or kanji. Is that just because it's foreign? Or are English letter truly ugly?
Miruna says: (11:37:25 PM): I like romaji letters. They do not have a 'history'. Of course, they are old, but looking at a romaji letter, you get no sense of what it is supposed to mean. Mostly because romaji letters -do not have- a meaning. That does not happen with kanji, of course, nor even with kana. Kana were all derived from older kanji, and simplified so they could be written with fewer brush-strokes. So the meaning still rides each kana, even if none of them are 'words'.
I say: (11:38:53 PM): I never thought about it that way, if words were symbols than the symbol itself would hold a lot of meaning and carry a lot of weight.
Miruna says: (11:39:34 PM): Indeed. There is a little . . . issue with our number for 'four'. One way to read it sounds like our word for 'death'.
I say: (11:39:36 PM): But do you find English letters boring/ugly/drab? Or do they seem exotic in some odd way in Japan the way Japanese letters look so cool here? That's interesting. That sort of thing happens everywhere in English though.
Miruna says: (11:40:01 PM): So we have something of a superstition about the number four. Hotels do not have fourth floors, and such.
I say: (11:40:11 PM): Wow, that's interesting! I would have never guessed something like that.
Miruna says: (11:41:44 PM): Romaji is used a lot in packaging and advertising. Lots of us think it looks cool or exotic, so I suppose that might just be it. I do not think romaji looks drab, though. It looks elegant. Simple. Like you can put them together in the strangest ways to make sounds and words. Like the word 'enough'. How does 'ugh' turn into 'f'?
I say: (11:42:57 PM): So, I suppose I can lay off the dumb-American questions, lol. How is your personal life going? Whoa, I just now realized romaji means "my" sort of letters, lol. Yeah, I guess you could say elegant, since they're so simple, but I always thought of Japanese letters as elegant!
Miruna says: (11:43:04 PM): Baroque is the word, I think. Very baroque.
I say: (11:43:12 PM): That is such a funny question. I don't know the word baroque, but I'd guess it's said like "bark" with a slight accent. How did I get "k" out of "oque"? It just goes to show how odd it is. Although, it seems that there are many more sound possibilities with this letter system. How can you even say a word like... my name for example: Atara – when there is a vowel after every consonant.
Miruna says: (11:45:10 PM): No, it is actually phonetic, with the 'que' -> 'k'. It means 'textured' or complicated, with a sense of decadence. It also refers to a period of art characterized by those attributes.
I say: (11:45:24 PM): Interesting. True, true. I knew that I suppose, but I never actually thought about it. About the que that is.
Miruna says: (11:45:53 PM): Oh, dear. Your name would not survive our language.
I say: (11:46:11 PM): Yeah, I'd be Radale. The shame.
Miruna says: (11:47:18 PM): More likely 'raedaru'. We do not distinguish between 'l' or 'r', as we technically do not use either sound, rather a sound right in between the two.
I say: (11:48:15 PM): Oh boy.
Miruna says: (11:48:27 PM): Also, most Japanese speakers tend to be very hasty when pronouncing foreign words, and more or less put together whichever moku their ears catch.
I say: (11:48:39 PM): I guess I can say that much for English - we can make more sounds; though we're missing a few other sounds that other languages use as well.
Miruna says: (11:48:46 PM): Which usually means we butcher English brutally.
I say: (11:49:16 PM): A Japanese accent (coming from a woman) is beautiful.
Miruna says: (11:49:33 PM): Really?
I say: (11:49:46 PM): Actually, this is probably terribly sexist or racist or something, but I find Asian men very unattractive in almost every single way, whereas I find Asian women amazing.
Miruna says: (11:51:14 PM): I always thought English speakers had much more interesting voices. Much slower and with a more interesting rhythm. Japanese is a little monotonous by comparison. English speakers use such varied inflection and accent. Though, when you emphasize words, it sounds a little odd.
I say: (11:52:06 PM): What's interesting though, as that by the time Asian features have been transferred to anime (I'm sure you know we call Japanese cartoons 'anime' as if it's a whole different sort of program entirely) I find that the guys look really cool. I wonder why that is? Are anime men generally drawn idealistically or something? That's a nifty way of looking at it. I thought Japanese sounded cooler than our language because it's so distinctive with all of it's "o" and "e" sounds all the time. Japanese names roll off the tongue so easily. I like Yamato, Makoto and I Temari.
Miruna says: (11:53:44 PM): We call it 'anime' as well. I think we got it from the French, who called cartoons "anime'".
I say: (11:54:10 PM): That's odd. I never knew that. Does that mean you call American cartoons anime as well? Or do you call those cartoons?
Miruna says: (11:54:38 PM): We just call anything with ink and paper pictures 'anime'.
I say: (11:54:57 PM): Ah. We make a distinction here; Japanese cartoons are anime and our cartoons are cartoons.
Miruna says: (11:55:04 PM): And the think to keep in mind about anime designers is that they often try to either preserve or 'reinvent' [butcher] old, classical art styles.
I say: (11:55:11 PM): Like, when someone says here "I'm an anime-freak" they mean all Japanese stuff.
Miruna says: (11:55:41 PM): Ah. We call them 'otaku', but it seems to mean something different when Americans use the word.
I say: (11:55:52 PM): Ghost in the Shell, Full Metal Alchemist and Death Note are my three favorite series of all time; ever seen them? I've never heard otaku. What's otaku mean?
Miruna says: (11:58:45 PM): Well, it means something like 'geek' or 'nerd', but usually with little focus on anything scholastic, and more emphasis on a fixation with some hobby or favorite show. We have otaku for American culture, even. They usually watch imported American shows and movies, try to learn spoken English [we all learn English in high school, but the focus is on written communication], and generally try to Americanise themselves as much as they can. Other otaku focus on whatever their own pet hobby is. I hear a lot of Americans have a similar fascination with us. Not sure why.
I say: (11:59:46 PM): Indeed. It's extremely common here. There are anime-freaks all over the place, even I could be called one. We wear all sorts of anime gear (I even have a death-note bag) and often you'll see people with their hair made to look like anime hair and so forth.
Miruna says: (12:04:23 AM): Yeah, we have people like that here. For a long time now, the cool thing has been to write English on things. Though, a lot of the English does not make a lot of sense. Things like "Active Sports For Traditional Mind". It mostly serves as decoration.
I say: (12:06:09 AM): We do that too. Would you believe some people get Chinese or Japanese letters tattooed on them without confirming what they mean??
Miruna says: (12:08:11 AM): I wish I could say no. But I cannot. I know some people are stupid enough to tattoo very . . . ill-conceived English phrases on themselves with henna. Permanent tattoos are not very popular here, though.
I say: (12:08:26 AM): Really? My boyfriend is a tattoo artist -- he does "Asian" lettering at least once a week on someone
Miruna says: (12:09:35 AM): Wow. I did not know Americans got -that- many tattoos! But, I have seen pictures of people with full body art.
I say: (12:10:15 AM): He works 50 to 60 hours a week and generally does 3 tattoos a day
Miruna says: (12:10:27 AM): I always thought that looked so beautiful, but there is no way anyone could do that here, unless they were Yakuza, but that is very different.
I say: (12:10:27 AM): Though it can range from 0 to 8 tattoos a day. Yakuza? That was the name of a gang in the Ghost in the Shell movie: Innocence. Strange; I see so many bad tattoos in bad places that I think tattoos mess up the art of the human body
Miruna says: (12:12:55 AM): The Yakuza are a lot older than Ghost in the Shell [which is one of my favorite old movies, by the way]. They are like your mafia, but . . . they have a longer history. Here, tattoos are mostly only associated with them, but that is changing a little, especially with Americans and others getting all those tattoos.
I say: (12:13:37 AM): That's very interesting. You know any other good animes I might like? Tattoos always fade, even when they're good. They're expensive, permanent and often a cause for regret. At least once a week my b/f does a cover-up tattoo as well. I don't dislike or discriminate people for having tattoos, but I think it's unwise to have them personally.
Miruna says: (12:14:40 AM): Well, if you liked Ghost in the Shell, you might really like Serial Experiments: Lain, and if you like that, you might like Boogiepop Phantom. Paranoia Agent is also very thought-provoking.
I say: (12:15:14 AM): Interesting, someone else told me to watch Lain, but after the first five episodes I had to question if I wanted to keep watching it or not. I was recommended Paranoia Agent by the same guy who told me to watch Lain, incidentally. I've never heard of Boogiepop Phantom though. I have not tried Paranoia Agent yet though. I should get on that.
Miruna says: (12:16:44 AM): It is really good. A little older than Lain, but similar style and influence. It is about urban legends and dealing with the unknown.
I say: (12:17:48 AM): You know what's funny? The Asian stereotype is "smart" which is the only positive stereotype I've ever come across. And what's more interesting is that stereotype come from truth even if they are not always true
Miruna says: (12:18:31 AM): Well, I heard Americans think Italians are supposed to be good in bed, too.
I say: (12:18:52 AM): Yeah, I've heard that. I’m part Italian, enough to claim that I am Italian, and I'd say I'm pretty good.
Miruna says: (12:20:17 AM): Eh. I never paid much attention. Okinawans are supposed to be drunken thugs, but I find them pretty smart and thoughtful, moreso than most 'true' Japanese people I've known. And a lot of them get drunk easier than I do.
I say: (12:20:38 AM): I quit drinking entirely. I just don't like not being able to understand my surroundings. To do that to myself on purpose jsut doesn't seem logical.
Miruna says: (12:22:29 AM): Well, drinking here fulfils a very old social function. In fact, it is pretty common to call sake 'sake-san' [Mr. [or Ms.] Sake].
I say: (12:23:01 AM): I can honestly say that at least 60% of people I've met do fall into their stereotypes. Most the women I've met like chocolate. Most the black people I've met are ghetto, uneducated and like fried chicken. Most the white people I've met can be a prick a lot of the time. The few Jamaicans I've met work like crazy and smoke weed like crazy. The few Asians I've met were highly educated and intelligent. I've met a few exceptions, but surprisingly few.
Miruna says: (12:27:00 AM): Oh. Most regular Japanese ['true' or otherwise] like chocolate. A lot are hardworking [and a lot work hard at looking like they work hard], a lot smoke marijuana. And a lot of working-class people are not well-educated. I doubt it would change much if we had more than three ethnicities here.
I say: (12:28:57 AM): I'd say we're about 30% white, 30% black, 20% Hispanic, 10% Indian, and 10% everything else in this city
Miruna says: (12:31:03 AM): Yeah, that is a big difference from Japan. We are about 95% 'true' nationalized Japanese, about 3% Okinawan [on the mainland], a little under 2% Ainu, and the rest are a curiosity on the street.
I say: (12:31:19 AM): Wow, even in Tokyo?
Miruna says: (12:32:25 AM): In Tokyo, we have the Foreigner's District, not far from the major airport.
I say: (12:32:51 AM): District? Is it strictly separate? Or is it just a tourist section?
Miruna says: (12:34:06 AM): It is almost all foreigners. They are catered to as long as they stay [assuming they can afford the 'catering'], but the neighboring districts often do not like the 'spill' [a not-so-polite way of referring to drunken foreigners with lots of money and not much sense]. Also, Chiba is pretty nice for foreigners who want to stay in Japan permanently, but other cities are not always friendly. Kyoto and Osaka are rather backwards for such big cities. But it still is not like foreigners are common in Chiba. Nearly all foreigners live in the Foreigner's District. And it is a little like New York's boroughs: a district is sort of locally managed kind of independently-but-not-really from the rest of the districts around it.
I say: (12:38:10 AM): Like china-town? Every large city in America had a "china-town.” My boyfriend wants my attention. We should talk more about this stuff later.
Miruna says: (12:39:08 AM): Ah. I was going to go to lunch soon with Ame anyway. It was good to talk to you again.
I say: (12:39:19 AM): Lunch? It’s midnight here!
Miruna says: (12:39:33 AM): We are ten hours ahead.

Criminals; How should they be treated?

2008-12-18T17:13:00.000-08:00

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 12:31pm

I think my sleeping issues have revealed themselves to me. I think it’s a psychological disorder that won’t allow me to sleep, and that wishes me to continue sleeping in the morning.
Before getting up just now I spent nearly an hour in bed forcing myself to keep my eyes open but unwilling to leave the bed or to turn the lights on, or to sit up at my computer. One way I trick myself out of staying like that until I fall back asleep is to make a phone call. I called My Bestfriend, but I didn’t get an answer. I’m unsure what I had been planning to say to him.
I think it’s part of my loneliness complex. I remember having issues with sleeping as a child and not wanting the light turned off, and not wanting my mom to leave the room, and having to be sung to sleep even when I was tired. I remember clearly being awake until two in the morning night after night when I was in fourth grade even though I had to get up at six-thirty. At this point in life I had no friends, no boyfriend yet, and my mother didn’t sing to me anymore, nor did she read to me all that often, and my father was starting to become more remote... I think I feel like it’s unsafe to go to sleep without receiving some sort of affectionate validation.
I’m using the word ‘safe’ for this uneasily, though I can’t think of a more accurate word. It’s as though I’m losing something when I go to sleep if I can not find assurance from someone. In recently months I’ve learned to trick myself into feeling that it’s okay to sleep by taking My Boyfriend’s arm while he’s asleep and cuddling it.
While physical affection helps a lot it seems that communication is almost as vitally important. When I feel like I have words kept unspoken then I toss and turn for hours. When I feel like no one is listening to me, or like no one cares what I do, then I also don’t sleep.
This seems to be the exact same complex which makes me hate getting up. Something tells me that the place I’ve just been in my dreams has got to be warmer, safer and happier than the cold, sad, un-welcoming world that doesn’t seem to find a need to wake me up. It’s as though, if no one wakes me up, then no one cares if I’m awake. If no one cares if I’m awake then while be awake? I mean, if no one cares, why even be alive?
I find myself having that stray thought... “I wish I was dead.” It flits through my mind when I’m trying to fall asleep. I tell myself I don’t mean that. I tell myself I want to live, I do! I tell myself I have reasons... But when I try to list them off they feel shallow and weak... And the same when I wake up. Only it’s phrased different when I wake up. I think; “Why should I wake? Why should I live?” Since these thoughts recur on any morning or night in which I interpret my surroundings as being unloving – which is often – then I begin to wonder how my transforms “why should I live?” into “I wish I was dead.”
Denying that I feel that way is silly. I can logic my way into saying that I don’t think that, but I can’t logic my way out of feeling that. If I didn’t feel that way, then why would I keep thinking about, day after day? I have stopped imagining killing myself so often – a bad habit since I was in... Fourth grade. Why does it always come back to fourth grade? Did something traumatic happen in addition to what I believe happened at that age? I feel like a separate self – a self that is sometimes nine, sometimes twelve – questions my motives and actions. Like she’s always watching me; judging.
All of this has been brought to my attention this morning when I asked myself a familiar question: “Why do I want to leave the house when My Boyfriend isn’t here but could be?” When he leaves for work I forgive him for not giving me a kiss before he leaves or for not waking me up, because after all, he might be in a hurry. When it’s his day off I feel entirely dejected. Unloved.
It’s days like these that I have to really pat myself on the back for being awake at this time. No one is calling me, no one is waiting for me, no one is going to be calling for me, waiting for me, or wishing I was around any time in the next few hours.
But this brings me to another question: “What is the merit of being awake?” After all, isn’t there another world I can go enjoy in my sleep? If no one will miss me here; then why not? Of course I have an answer to that, and that is my health. If I didn’t realize that oversleeping makes me feel like shit, and that it also isn’t good for your body then I probably would continue to just keep sleeping in.
What’s interesting is that I’ve been conditioning myself to believe it’s bad for me to sleep in for years now, which is the opposite of what I had to tell myself when I was nine – then I was always getting sick, and if I felt tired it was important I kept sleeping, otherwise an innocent fever could turn into a several week sickness. And so often did this happen that I began to think of sleep as the only healthy thing I could do for myself, in addition to being the only escape from my loneliness, confusion and desperation.
I’m getting that sinking feeling in my stomach again. I knows it’s because of how I feel about My Boyfriend... I feel awful about how all of this has happened. I hate how people can care so much and yet not be able to make it enough. It’s so depressing how he doesn’t understand after I explain and explain and explain, and show and do and show and do and explain again...
I could be the best poet on earth, or the most diligent scribe, or the most intuitive psychologist; but I don’t think any of it would My Bestfriender. I fear that the fact at the heart of it is that he will only change if he feels he needs to; and then it will only be for a short time. As soon as he feels things are secure the arguments start back up again... He becomes resentful of putting so much effort into us. He feels he’s sacrificing instead of investing. And when he feels like it’s a sacrifice, then I end up feeling that way too.
Shit, now I’ve run out of speculation and I’m sitting here trying not to go back to sleep – clothes and lights in all. I do that sometimes. I lay down with the lights on and my clothes on and fall asleep. Even though late at night the tiniest lights bother me, the smallest noised drive me insane, my covers exposing my toe or shoulder keeps me awake, an itchy piece of clothing prevents my mind from wandering... Why? Am I just directing my real issues at the things which seem more ordinary targets?
I’m having trouble focusing now... Apply chapstick; look around the room disconsolately; think about things I could be doing; look for someone to talk to on aim; try not to cry... But I know I’m only like this because I’ve gone at gotten my hopes up... My Boyfriend leaves without a kiss, without any sweet words or touches... He’s off to the mall with his brother who won’t be back for a long time. (He’s in the service you see.)
I told My Boyfriend I was upset that he told me we would go to the mall last Thursday and then didn’t, and then he said Sunday, and then we didn’t. Now he’s taking his brother. He told me I was being selfish; that I only think of myself. It’s pretty much the only thing he said to me this morning. He spoke a hell of a lot more words over the phone to his brother.
He can’t use “being quiet” as an excuse. That’s not it and I think he knows that just as well as I do. He’s distinctly unresponsive when something is bothering him, not just by habit of his nature. Denying that is as useless as denying the issues between him and I.
Sigh; listen to sounds from downstairs; look around the room as if I lost my puppy; start typing garble-gook. Rub hands together; yawn; straighten my back; think fleetingly of listening to music... No, I don’t want to allow music to make me feel worse right now.
I’m so torn between trying my hardest to make it work right now while he’s still trying at all, and just letting him give up and letting things die as they were going to anyway.

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:45pm

Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff.
6:40pm... I still want to just curl up into a ball and cry. Now I’ve spent my entire day cleaning to ignore how I feel. I made major progress. It felt good making progress, though it’s left me so physically weary. Now that I’m back upstairs I’m already feeling almost like I did shortly after I woke.
I shall read, and hopefully then writing on my novel...

Thursday, December, 18th 2008 at 3:43pm

I say: (3:43:57 PM): DHS?
Chris says: (3:46:46 PM): the people that come and take kids from bad people
I say: (3:47:09 PM): Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.
Chris says: (3:48:18 PM): Yeah but this kids mom held his hand on the stove as punishment fuck her
I say: (3:48:41 PM): Sometimes a bad mom who loves the child is better than a neglectful mom. I know a mom who broke her kids hand with a hammer because he smoked a cigarette. But she loved her child dearly. I think it would have been worse if they'd be separated.
Chris says: (3:49:15 PM): One that burns her kids needs to be shot.
I say: (3:49:51 PM): Both the child and her need psychological help, not separation. That's part of what's wrong with today's society. We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
Chris says: (3:55:37 PM): Both.
I say: (3:56:22 PM): You understand what happens in jail?
Chris says: (3:56:31 PM): I worked in one.
I say: (3:56:33 PM): The fucked up mind-set because 10x worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster.
Chris says: (3:57:59 PM): If you treat them like one yes but if you give them a chance in jail then they come out ok it all depends on who’s running the jail.
I say: (3:59:39 PM): Yeah, put the drug deals with the killers and rapist -- all under one roof. Yeah, that's bright. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people - not other people with worse issues. Not guards with heartlessness.
Chris says: (4:01:35 PM): I think they need to be by them selves except for trained people to help them.
I say: (4:02:28 PM): Normal happy people trained to help them!

I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I know personally three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child. If they didn’t use the bathroom in the right place maybe you don’t feed them at the usual time, or maybe you scold them or take them out for a walk and encourage them to go outside. If they bite a child... Well, honestly I’d need to ask a psychological professional or a dog specialist. I don’t know what makes a dog inclined to bite a person.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.

Conversation with My Bestfriend:
I say: (3:44:42 PM): Everyone is busy with their fun/wonderful holiday things. Shoveling, trips, x-mas trees... I'm doing construction as usual... I spent the morning carrying shelves, tools and other stuff... I’m... Writing some ship-stats for my book. Usually I'll be saying "fast ship" or "cargo ship" or "war ship" but in this particular instance the exact stats of a ship are going to be mentioned so I'm making up fancy names.
My best male friend says: (3:50:44 PM): I dunno what I wanna do...
I say: (3:51:40 PM): Tell me your thoughts on the following... [I copy that excerpt from my IM with Chris] “...the people that come and take kids from bad people.... Oh those people. They suck. They take kids away from good parents and give them to bad half the time.... One that burns her kids needs to be shot.... A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil.”

My best male friend says: (3:54:28 PM): I think they should be separated; that woman isn’t fit to raise a child; regardless of her "love" – mind telling vampire that I agree? with vampire that is.
I say: (3:55:28 PM): If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Perhaps a person should be assigned to stay with them for a couple of weeks to instruct her on proper discipline techniques. Separating them will worsen both the child's psyche and the mothers.
My best male friend says: (3:56:45 PM): Yea, you are put in counseling, but in the mean time you take away all knives guns and otherwise lethal objects.
I say: (3:57:01 PM): Well, of course
My best male friend says: (3:57:37 PM): And instruction wont fucken help, she needs serious change; it wont happen in weeks. I think that the kid's screwed
I say: (3:58:00 PM): It can if the advisor is good enough.

Before I continue with this IM, keep in mind that by this time my temper is flaring. I find this sort of thing very irritating. Yeah, conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a discipline specialist for a year may be almost fix the problem, but not entirely.
However, if our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. Of course, at the time of this conversation I was too wound up and too short of time to say all of that. The IM continues...

My best male friend says: (3:58:12 PM): No.
I say: (3:58:11 PM): But of course, no such advisor is really available. It could, if that advisor was a psychologist and hypnosis-expert and also an expedient child handler.
My best male friend says: (3:59:02 PM): Seriously, you think some woman handing you a pamphlet and telling you how to spank a child is going to solve the problems in the family? If they’re burning the children's hands, they probably have a lot more going on.

Clearly, My Bestfriend has no idea what I meant there; if he did then the word “pamphlet” would have never come up. It’s obvious that he (still) doesn’t see how I look at things yet. I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.

I say: (3:59:54 PM): Of course not! An advisor who is there 24/7 and... oh fuck it. Never mind. I’m not wasting my time on this shit. I should write a book about it.
My best male friend says: (4:00:20 PM): No that really wont work.
I say: (4:00:22 PM): Not sit here and debate you; w/e you're right!
My best male friend says: (4:00:30 PM): You think she'd be willing to just be instructed and change her life? You know, it would only fail miserably and encourage more misguided teenagers to write equally unsuccessful books.

Rereading this part actually makes me really angry all over again. Of course she wouldn’t want to be instructed to change her life, but if she’s given the choice between the child being taken away and being put into serious help, then any mother who deserved her child would choose the help. And I’m the one who is misguided. It’s like he’s literally purposely ignoring my point just to say that I’m wrong.

I say: (4:01:57 PM): Screw you, you're a narrow minded naive contemptual know-it-all borderline-szitzo virginal dick-head!
My best male friend says: (4:02:28 PM): I’m in college; that’s part of the job description
I say: (4:02:38 PM): You and millions of other people, get off your high horse.
My best male friend says: (4:03:03 PM): You know, confidence is earned sometimes... Well, im going to go play video-games with My First Love.

I tell my anime friend about the debate:
My Anime Friend Says: (3:59:44 PM): Burning a child's hand or breaking it is excessive. No My Bestfriender how much a parent supposedly loves them. That scars you, believe me. Granted, the American Penal System is screwed up harshly. They really need to restructure who goes to jail with who.
I say: (4:04:22 PM): I hate everything!!!!!!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:03 PM): You can't possibly mean that.
I say: (4:05:42 PM): Fine. I hate My Bestfriend and Chris and most of the rest of the world.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:05:56 PM): That's more realistic.
I say: (4:07:34 PM): No... I hate me... I'm so damn idealistic. I view everything so completely differently than everyone and I get so passionate about what I believe in and I just end up pushing everyone away! And it hurts so much to stand so alone in what I believe in, on stop of standing alone physically as well. I just want to burn up and disappear.
I say: (4:08:24 PM): I'm damn near a cynical old woman at 20. And I'm as winy as a damn sugar-craving baby with softies for parents
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:01 PM): Atara, do you know how strong you are?
I say: (4:09:14 PM): Not strong enough to jump out the window. Not strong enough to win an argument. Not strong enough to stop losing my cool and making an ass of myself!
My Anime Friend Says: (4:09:41 PM): No, you're strong enough to believe yourself.
I say: (4:09:56 PM): Not strong enough to work things out with my father...... I believe I'm capable of coming to a logical conclusion most of the time...
My Anime Friend Says: (4:10:24 PM): In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't My Bestfriender what anyone else thinks, says, or does. What's important is what you believe and how strongly you believe in it.
I say: (4:10:55 PM): Well, I'd rather have a family and a life than be crucified for my beliefs. And at this rate I'll be a hermit on a hillside instead. Oh, bloody hell, I'm supposed to be helping my work on shit.
My Anime Friend Says: (4:11:37 PM): You're not alone in your cynicism.'
I say: (4:11:39 PM): What a merry fucking xmas this shall be....

Friday, December, 19th 2008 at 2:05pm

It’s snowing cats and dogs outside right now. My Boyfriend expected to be coming right back home after arriving at Frankie’s house. He before 11:30am (even though work starts at one o’clock) on the pretense that Frank (not the same guy as Frankie) said there probably wouldn’t be work but that he should come to Frankie’s house to discuss some things. I have not heard from My Boyfriend since he left.
I’m still upset over the debate yesterday. I feel like My Bestfriend is some sort of... It’s hard to explain. I’m glad for meeting him. I’m glad for being his friend. I like his input. His interests are interesting. His outlook gives me a new way to look at things. It’s good to be able to have an intellectual debate...
But.
I can’t really blame him for not wanting to accept anything out of the framework of his ideas of the world, because I similarly reject what people are saying if it’s outside my framework as well. We all do. We’re all narrow-minded in our own subjective way. I hate how he pretends to be above narrow-mindedness, but of course I pretend the same. I suppose I can’t blame the mirror of it’s my reflection that is upsetting me, can I?
I want him to like me and respect me but at the same time I can’t be liked or respected for something that I’m not. I don’t just sit here a placidly accept the world for being the way it is. I don’t just expect that everyone is going to be the stereotypical person that they are. I don’t allow the fact that no body cares to stop me from saying what I believe. I don’t allow the fact that the world is fucked up to stop me from seeing how it could and should be. I don’t let the obstacle of money stop me from dreaming up a utopian world or an extensively customizable revolutionary video game.

Saturday, December, 20th 2008 at 3:55pm

To make an excuse for not having a gift for My Boyfriend on our two-year anniversary would be pointless. There isn’t an excuse, but there is a reason. That reason is I have not been sure we’d make it this far, and I have not made it even a small priority.
I sincerely don’t believe he has anything for me, so I guess it’s just as well. It’s really more embarrassing that I don’t have anything for him for x-mas. I don’t have more than two items to put into my parent’s stockings. I got perhaps a total of ten gifts, and they’re all quite small. I can’t put into words how badly I feel about this...
It seems impossible to write on my novel when I feel so...
I just want to go back to bed again.
It’s fully apparent to me now that I can’t sleep if I feel lonely and I don’t want to get up if I feel like I’m getting up only to feel lonely. Hence why if I’m woken up to having to go do something I feel wretched about it. As if I’m only good awake so that I can go fulfill an obligation...
I got down to the depth of my person last night...
And I can’t even write about that...
I feel like I’m sinking lower just as I sit here. I feel more lonely and yet I don’t want to leave this room and face obligations; that will be a distraction yet again, not a solution.
I was supposed to write today damn it! And the moment I begin...
My excuses are useless.
It’s not as if anyone cares...
Well, of course they do... But not... In the ways that count...
I have to stop, to staunch the tears before they come.

4:45pm... I just had an amazing experience. After writing the above I laid down and thought and pouted and resisted crying for a while. I realized that I felt tired, and it occurred to me that I only felt tired because I wanted to reset how I feel. Going to sleep resets your mind; or at least it should if you’re sleeping restfully.
I realized that I wanted to reset my lonely feeling. Once I am asleep I don’t (generally) feel lonely. I’m not necessarily saying this is true, but I think that it’s possible that this is because I’m with other spirits while I’m sleeping. Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to wake into an empty room: because I’m with people in my sleep. Of course, this could also be explained (I’m sure) by how the brain works. I’m of the opinion that either explanation alone is not the full truth.
After coming to those conclusions I realized that it would be awesome if I could use that to my advantage. If only I could go to sleep deeply and then just wake in a few minutes and feel better. I know however that I can’t do that, right? If only I could be hypnotized into doing it...
Then I remembered that in “Many Lifetimes” it’s often mentioned that one can be self-hypnotized to a certain degree. With this in mind I said to myself (in my head):
“You are feeling tired. You want to go to sleep. You will sleep deeply and completely. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rejuvenated. You will sleep when I reach 1. 20... 19... 18...” I counted down, but the odd thing was that as I was counting down I found my attention being distracted by my breathing. When I got to one I was still awake and I was also noticing sounds downstairs that were bothering me. So I tried again:
“You are going to fall asleep at the count of thirty. You will sleep deeply and you will dream. You will wake up in ten minutes feeling rested. You will not be distracted by your breathing or from outside noises. 1... 2... 3...” I don’t remember reaching thirty, but in ten minutes I woke up feeling great! I’m amazed. I’m dumbfounded. I can’t believe it worked!
Even more amazing is that I know that I dreamed. I don’t remember what I dreamed, but I know that I did. I woke so quickly and so completely that the dream was too distant. I probably should have included in my instructions to myself “you will remember your dream.” That would be much more remarkable.
Now that I feel like I can really do this with the right mind-set I’m going to have to test it out many times in the near future.

Wednesday, December, 24th 2008 at 7:07pm

So I said to My Bestfriend on IM today:
I had this dream... I was cuddling next to you, and you said something to me that made me feel really bad, and I got up and said "fuck you" and then I felt worse, and then I went and cuddled up next to My First Love, and he looked at me in his sad-eyes way and then he was like pregnant or something because he had this giant balloon-stomach, and it was disturbing... Then he went and slept on a shelf, which was even weirder... And this all happened in some house that My Boyfriend had bought for us even though he never showed up in the dream... And there were these weird upstairs-residents that kept bothering us.
I have not been on IM. I have not checked my e-mail. I have not written in my novel. Holidays can do that to you sometimes. And you can see how long it’s been since I posted a blog entry. I have taken a bunch of pictures however, which I’ll be posting when I get a chance. I’m going to attempt to write on my novel now however, while I have the chance.

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 1:20am

Corvier is downstairs in the game room (sitting at the pink and black card table) with his laptop 3D-modeling while listening to gangster-rap music. He’s doing this due to my dislike of the said “music.”
So why didn’t I break up with him on the twenty-first like I had planned? Well, let’s start with why I was planning on leaving him in the first place:
He had stopping paying attention to me; he didn’t notice if I cleaned, dressed-up, cooked or even had sex with him. And even if he noticed, he sure didn’t say anything to me.
He let his anger control him on too many occasions. He’s driven in unsafe ways due to his anger. He’s pushed me out of anger. He has said very mean things to me out of anger.
He has made a number of promises to me he hasn’t kept. In general, he’s terrible at keeping his word. In fact, he’s terrible at making plans, and when he does, he never sticks to them.
He has this complex where he believes all women are lying, cheating, manipulating, prude bitches left-over from his first love with whom he had a baby with (who was given up for adoption.) They were over for four years when My Boyfriend and I met and he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since.
He has drug-use issues. He smokes weed almost daily, and on average, since I’ve met him, he drinks once or twice a week. And on average, once a month gets piss drunk. When he’s drunk, he’s more likely to get angry.
When My Boyfriend is angry he becomes an entirely different person. His values literally shift, which is a serious problem for him, with me or not.
Despite many promises to work on these issues, the overall conclusion was that things were never going to change and things were brought to a nasty peak on Thanksgiving, after four months of already feeling like things were pretty-much over.
We were over Thanksgiving day, but my mom intervened. She says her reason for doing so was because we were both upset and should make a decision like that when we were both thinking more rationally.
So, the conclusion when I spoke with my mom that day was, “I’ll give him another chance, but mom, this is the last of the last.”
Corvier seemed to come to some serious realizations. He hasn’t drank since then (that I know of – and that alone is enough because if he comes home sober than he can’t be drinking enough to count even if he is still drinking now and then). He’s been much more understanding. He’s been much more affectionate and loving. He’s apologized over and over again.
In addition to these, he seems to truly be repenting for his past actions. He knows that he deserved to be left, and that I stayed with him out of pure sympathy. He’s been much more forth coming, more talkative, and even made some attempts to be romantic. It’s possible for us to entirely fall back in love again at this point...
The only issue here is that I have so much doubt and so much fear. Well, I shouldn’t say I’m really afraid. In truth, if we parted now, I’d be very upset, but I would not be devastated. We’ve had a good relationship overall. We’ve both learned a lot, and we’ve been instrumental in our understanding of the outside world. I think we’ve both changed dramatically for the better. So what more can you really ask from a relationship? Isn’t permanence a rather mighty and selfish request? It probably is, but I’ll ask for it anyway.
Do I ask for permanence with My Boyfriend? No. I don’t ask for it with anyone in particular. I ask for just someone to be around for the next forty or fifty years who will love me unconditionally, relate to me, and cooperate with me. And if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to love them back. If that person is My Boyfriend; then that is convenient and merry... If not, then I hope it becomes more clear to me in the near future.
But do I hope that? I’m enjoying our relapse into the relationship we once had. I feel good again about our relationship, even with my doubts.
I want it to work out. I want that person to be My Boyfriend. Is that want clouding my reasoning? I did say I wanted to give My Boyfriend the chance to change, and he is changing. The fact that he’s changing should be a reason to be happy; and yet instead I ask; but is this enough?
Perhaps this is greedy, but I want the best deal I can get. While the love part is required, as well as being able to communicate and cooperate, I still desire someone attractive with a decent earning potential as well as a good intellect and interesting hobbies. My Boyfriend has all of that, but he wavers on his communication and cooperation, which are two key things...
And it’s not that I couldn’t find all of those qualities in another man... And it’s not even that I don’t believe I could love another man... I suppose it’s just that I’m afraid of the process. I’m afraid of the separation. I’m afraid that it may take months, years... Who knows how long to find someone truly better.
Of course there are people I know who would date me. Several, actually. And while many of them are decent, I don’t feel like they... Could make me feel how My Boyfriend makes me feel.
Ah, he just returned and helped me fill in that blank. My whole face just lights up when he comes in. He had a similar childhood to mine. He has very like interests. Sure, we disagree about music, but we agree about many other things; TV programs, anime, art, computers, books...
If it’s possible for things to continue this way, then this could definitely work. My remaining concerns are being able to communicate fully, being able to satisfy his sex-drive (or rather, his need for feeling loved which can usually only be satisfied through sex), and our ability to continue to grow together without letting tensions build up again even if we fully recover what we once had.
What I find most encouraging is that we’re both so capable of changing. He might be just as capable as I, and that might be what I’m afraid is irreplaceable. His mind can be changed, whereas too many people I know will never back down off their high horses even when completely out-witted. No one out there quite believes what I believe, but My Boyfriend in many aspects comes close; and that is very precious to me.

Thursday, December, 25th 2008 at 2:01am

As a recap of a previous entry: (I’ve edited this and added to it for better flow and more clarity so I have a solid background of what I’ve already said to add to.)
[Begin Edited Recap]
We're too quick to remove people from society instead of fixing them. A violent person is psychologically sick, not evil. If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in consoling? I think consoling is a better and more effective approach.
You understand what happens in jail? The fucked up mind-set becomes ten times worse than when they were sent there. You turn an angry and lonely human into a monster. Putting drug dealers, rapists and murderers and thieves all under one roof is not a good idea. Then let them hang out in the yard. They need to be around normal people, healthy happy people (that are of course specially trained to help them) – not other people with worse issues. Not heartless guards!
I believe that for a person who has committed a crime, the society is just as much at fault as the individual. Their parents, their school, their workplace, their ‘friends’ and so forth have all pushed them into committing the crime. The chances are that they were not born with the impulse to kill, steal, rape, or otherwise hurt other people.
Therefore, the person is sick because the society is sick. Hence, as a society we need to take responsibility for curing these people; not just put them away. Solitude will not fix a person. I’ve met a lot of people who were perfectly half-way decent people before they went to jail. They come out a whole different person. Their language goes to shit, as well as their dreams, hopes, and decency. Their manners disappear; the person that they were dissolves. I personally know three examples of this.
In addition I’ve met a lot of people who’ve been to jail even though I didn’t know them prior. For example, most of My Boyfriend’s co-workers have been to jail. These are the same people who use the word “cock” in every sentence. These people are rude, uncivil, inconsiderate blights to the world, and I bet they weren’t half as bad before they went to jail.
A person who steals should not be punished the same way as a person who murders, for one thing. A different amount of time in the same location is not a different punishment. That’s like punishing your dog the same way for not being potty-trained and for biting a child.
I’m not saying I’m qualified to make these sorts of judgements, but it’s just like screaming at a child and putting them in their room alone for days when they don’t know what they did wrong, or the first time they did something. Notice as a young child when two kids are bad they separate them, not punish them together. Why would we put hundreds of “bad” people together? That’s just insane. I’m sure some of my readers have seen “gangland” on TV?
Why would anyone put entire gangs together in jail? Doesn’t anyone else see that this is madness? The only people a criminal should be seeing is their therapist, their guard (who should be a compassionate person, if a big and strong person), their family and/or friends who may visit them, someone who brings them food, and perhaps one other specialist who deals with their particular crime. In addition it would help if community volunteers could come in to see these people to play board games with them, or to bring them books, or movies, or art supplies.
I know what you’re thinking: That would cost too much. But the thing is; what is it costing us now? Not in money – but in people! We’re spending their lives, their time, their energy on a wasted cause. We’re ruining people instead of building them! How freaking crazy can humans be? If they were put in a helpful facility such as I just described, instead of in a jail, then they could be “fixed” in half the time.
If you got very irrationally angry after a fight with a stranger because your wife and children died recently and you killed that stranger, should you be put in jail, or should you be put in counseling? I think counseling is a better and more effective approach. Of course, confinement from the outside world is necessary for murders, but it doesn’t change the fact that they need help, not to be bunched with other murderers!
What do we expect to happen? Are we hoping they off each other so that we don’t have to be “responsible” for it?
Conventional counseling would not be enough, even if it continued for years. Conventional counseling in addition to a helpful environment and other specialists however could begin to make a dent.
If our world wasn’t so busy building the next smaller cell-phone and concocting the next useless drug that will kill people and not help them (hello people, they meant it when they said you are what you eat!) then we could have more people trained in practical hypnosis, nutrition, herbal remedies, acupuncture, in-depth holistic and complete psychology, and most effective and appropriate disciplinary methods for children.
Then, when problems with individuals arise the government could assign a troop of the correct specialists to enable these people to change their lives. But of course, no such advisor is really available.
I’m not talking about conventional solutions. We need people, not paper. We need love, not more laws. We need specialists in important things, not advertising, stocks, and prescription drugs! Start with that premise when you hear me say anything.
[End Edited Recap]

Tater writes:
Sorry, but I don't tend to blame "society" for my sister's murder. I blame her MURDERER! I am sure he needs counseling. I am also sure he needs to be exactly where he is: IN JAIL. He is a violent, violent man. He is already serving a sentence for assaulting three other individuals in various ways...he hasn't even gone to trial for my sister's murder. I understand where you are coming from to a degree, but I find your whole argument (esp. if it applies to violent offenders) to be offensive, personally. You might feel differently if one of your loved ones was murdered. Though one thing I can say... I was against the death penalty BEFORE Sarah was murdered and am still against it.

Tater,
I would say, “I feel your pain,” but obviously, I don’t, because I’ve never been there. Though it’s said, “one need not be Caesar to understand Caesar,” I do believe that some things can not be truly empathized with if you haven’t been there.
Yes, murderers must be confined. That is without question. I’m more in question of what happens in confinement. Imagine, this individual is out there with people who got locked up for selling weed. This guy is in confinement with people who were stealing to feed their family, and even people who are innocent. Worse than that, he’s confined with other individuals who are worse than himself. All of those people are further damaging each other; emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually if you will.
And pure solitude will completely ruin a person; might as well kill them if you’re going to feed them through a slot. With help, many of these people could be truly helped, and beyond that could be assessed. People that are around these convicts everyday would actually be able to tell if someone is truly cured or not. Sitting in front of some panel once a year and making your case for leaving jail early is just ridiculous. As if a person’s character can be judged in fifteen minutes.
Ever seen the movie Shawshank Redemption? If not, I recommend it, it’s an excellent movie that takes place almost entirely in jail.
In every conversation, movie and book in which jail has been involved the person(s) who were in jail always came out worse-off. Every single time. I don’t mean to say that murderers should run free as long as they see their shrink, but I do mean to say that they should not be in contact with any other criminals.
I’m imagining a facility that’s much like a hospital crossed with a hotel. The rooms are small, but elegant. The windows are barred, but they have sunlight. Upon request they can have books brought to them, art supplies and other things to pass their time. Video cameras would be in all of the rooms to ensure that none of them were planning to use any of these things as weapons.
Three times a day they would be escorted from their room. Twice to eat in a cafeteria, once to see a specialist for an hour. Two or three times a week they’d be aloud outdoors, but at most, only two other criminals would be outside at the same time and any negative conversation between them would have them both immediately sent back to their rooms.
Yes, this would make prisons much more expensive, but more ordinary criminals would not need to be held for as long and innocent people would be much easier to weed out. Beyond that, it would be healthier in every respect.
Do you still disagree with what I’m saying?

December 15th 2008

2008-12-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

Monday, December, 15th 2008 at 12:54pm

I should be going grocery shopping right now... And even though I’ve been awake for an hour I don’t feel like doing anything... Except going back to sleep. Ha, mom just called me. I just we’re going to get floor tiles and then going to Wegmans. Well, tired or not, stuff needs to get done.

Monday, December, 15th 2008 at 5:49pm

Pah, I don’t feel right at all today. I’m tired and yet not tired. I’m hungry and yet not hungry. I want to see people and yet I want to be alone. I want to accomplish stuff and yet I want to not do a darn thing... I feel not myself. I feel apart from my self. Like my body, mind and soul are entirely separate at the moment...
8:24pm... I’m dreading the thought of picking up My Boyfriend from work... I feel so out of it that I don’t want to drive...
Tuesday; 12:26am... I didn’t pick up My Boyfriend from work... He told me was going to get a ride and then ended up not getting one and had to walk... I’m reading “Many Lifetimes” by Joan Grant Denys Kelsey. It’s a very good book thus far.
Today mom and I laid a row of floor-tiles in my ‘new’ kitchen. I should take a picture if I remember... I went grocery shopping with mom today, got more apples and cheese. I’m still addicted to that stuff, heh. I didn’t really do any writing today; I just ‘scribbled’ up a couple ideas. Here is what I wrote today;

“Have you heard of the ‘big bang theory’?”
“Yes, it’s one of the few things ever taken seriously that came from an Earth Legend.”
“Well, according to the big bang theory, once the entire universe was essentially nonexistent, and then – bang! – it explodes from some single point and has been expanding ever since. I take this to mean that the universe could once be summed up by zero, because after all there was nothing there, correct?”
“I guess, what are you getting at?”
“If you take a basic algebraic equation you can add two to both sides, am I right?”
“Well, you could, yes.”
“And in order to move two from one side to the other I’d have to subtract it from both sides, and then I’d end up with what I started with, right?”
“Exactly. Adding two to both sides doesn’t actually change anything, so what’s your point?”
“My point, my dear, is that perhaps the same could be said for the universe. Two was added to both sides. Then a variable was added to both sides, then some other crazy numbers and variables. Then on side is condensed from plus two, plus three, times x down to five-x, while the other side is left expanded. Before you know it you have this insane crazy jumble that seems insolvable, but the answer still remains zero. Therefor everything is a paradox, because the universe doesn’t actually have a substance when ‘solved.’ Everything is a paradox.”

I don’t even know what characters are talking here yet, just something I want two characters to discuss at some point. Today hasn’t been a bad day, just an off one.

Tuesday, December, 16th 2008 at 1:16am

“What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.”
You’ve heard that before, right? I couldn’t disagree more completely. If you’re a paraplegic are you stronger than when you had both your arms and legs because you didn’t die in the process? Is a traumatized child whose been raped as a toddler stronger because they’re now terrified of sex and the gender of the offender for the rest of their life? How are feats of pain in any way respectable? How is war honorable?
I’ve come to the conclusion that violence is weakness. War is greedy, inconsiderate, arrogant, naive, and weak. It’s giving in to our most unrespectable desires, that underneath are not even our true desires. If a boy is taken hunting by his father and shoots a bird and then cries for killing the bird while his father congratulates him and pats him on the back, then who is being more natural? The boy who is solemn and sad, or the man who is excited?
I don’t not disagree with killing animals. Hunting is not disgraceful when it is for the need of our own body or the need of a loved one’s body. But one should not feel happy that the animal is dead, we should feel happy that we are skilled, that we shall eat, that we will triumph in the face of hunger. Hunting should never be for sport.
We’ve evolved past needing to hunt. We’ve evolved past “needing” war. We have organized countries, and farms with breed thousands of animals. There is no excuse to go hunting wolves. There is no excuse to kill another person. The only person who has the right to decide if a person should live or die is the one who inhabits that person’s body. For goodness sakes let a person die if they’re ready to die and don’t put them a damned machine.
Not that agree with suicide either. Perhaps suicide in the face of certain death in the near future, but not when you still have a perfectly good body to remain within.
I’m just so sick of violence everywhere. It’s in every movie, it’s in every book. People are constantly talking about it. Children are more violent than ever – youtube videos of fights between school kids are all over the place... It’s just sickening and it’s completely without purpose. It does nothing but serve pain. There is no lesson to be learned other than to stop fighting. There is nothing to feel except pain and regret and loss.
Depriving oneself or another person is not only unethical; it’s pointless. It only serves further negativity. How can anyone in their right mind want to hurt themselves or anyone else? Of course, we’ve all been extremely upset at some point in our life, and at that time we may have wanted to do irrational things... But I just can’t fathom purposeful violent actions. It’s completely eluding me right now.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, and all I can come up with is that humans as a whole are still a bunch of stunting beings. We’re not surviving anywhere near our potential. We’re not bringing children up in interactive enough environments. We’re not surrounding ourselves with reasons to be positive and uplifted. Everyone should be going to college, and I mean everyone. You shouldn’t stop after four years; classes should be free and life-long. The end of learning is the end of life. The more you learn the more alive you are.
And how much more could we be learning each and everyday than we are now? If we were all working together instead of fighting each other verbally and physically?

Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 3:25am

This is a composite of a bunch of thoughts for Ayian...

I know what it feels like when no one noticed that you spent major time busting your ass cleaning up THEIR messes. Oh I know it all too well...
There isn't much worse than crying perpetually and being sick constantly and blowing your nose some more because of that! Well, of course there are many things that are worse, but then I wouldn’t sound sympathetic at all, and of course I am sympathetic. I’m so tired of crying over men and relationships and so on and so on. Are we ever going to meet and see if... Well... You know. For some reason I suddenly don’t feel so forward about my thoughts; go figure.
Ever seen the banner that says “who needs a shrink when you have a pen?” – I like that banner. It’s a good one. Anyway, on the subject of your entry... I hate to sound sexist, but I can’t imagine supporting a man. I mean, sure, if I was very rich or something and he really needed the help, but I can’t imagine busting my ass every day to barely make it and to be covering him as well. Not that anyone was doing that, but you were making me think about it... Hm, that’s something I never thought about... Being with a woman... I can’t imagine being the ‘guy’ in the relationship, but I can imagine being with a woman. If my mind and hers link, and I find her attractive, then surely I’d be able to fall in love? Pah, I’m rambling now.
Hey, violence never solved anything. At least, it never solved anything permanently or completely. Punching someone in the face; not so cool.
So you felt her energy did you? I'd love to meditate with you.
That's an interesting thought. Thinking dumb-happy thoughts does make you dumb-happy. Why? Because how you feel is a result of your thoughts nine of ten times, right?
I’m all too familiar with memory lapses due to weed... In fact, Sunday night I smoked several bowl-fulls with My Boyfriend and we were so messed up... On top of that, I was completely inapt all Monday. I was ill-focused, tired, lacking in desire and ambition, my memory was hazy and worst of all was that constant feeling like I was stuck in a dream and couldn’t wake up. Weed is something that *can* and possibly even *should* be enjoyed once in a long while – say perhaps in six months or in two years – but when it becomes twice a month, once a week and then suddenly every other day and then once a day, then you can’t even keep track how much... You start living in an unsure dreamworld. The worst part is, is that often, during a particularly stressful high, you find yourself asking yourself; “Why did I smoke this weed?” “When will I be sober again?” “What would I be doing right now if I could think?” “Is it obvious to everyone else how I feel right now?” And so forth. And when you find yourself whispering inside your mind ‘don’t do this again’ then you know you have a problem. I congratulate you on any progress; but honestly the biggest barrier to quitting is breaking away from the places and people where the smoking most often occurs.
“So when I claim to want Nathanial, I attempt to turn every touch and sensation into his own skin. That in itself is destroying my relationship with Will. But I do love Will. Mental Adultery.”
Could I not resonate with that any more than I already do? Oh bother. I think the cure for wanting someone new is simply having someone who is determined to make you fall in love with them all over again at least once a month. Relationships get stale, especially after the first three months. After a year you feel steady and accomplished, but after a year and a half you feel like it’s getting old but at the same time you’re still attached. Fights become rampant. Suddenly you don’t spend as much time together, then you find yourself slightly attracted to someone else – and oops!
Even if you don’t physically cheat you still feel like a liar. I hate that feeling. Denying that you feel that way doesn’t help and admitting it puts a nasty stress on the relationship. Lying to yourself isn’t helpful but indulging in destroys the link between you and your lover. I hate the pattern, but it’s so bloody hard to break! After so many ‘almost-over’ times... I just feel detached so often. I thought I still wanted it to work, and I still think that I do, but I’m not positive that I think I do, I just think that I think that I do want it to work... Gosh that sentence was long and awkward.
I love My Boyfriend, but I can’t honestly say I’m in love with him anymore and this has been true for around four months. I believe it’s possible for me to fall back in love with him, but it would take efforts above and beyond being a ‘good boyfriend’ to make it happen, especially since so much emotional adultery has been committed on my part, if not any physical. In short, I empathize, I do.
Ah, the realization of one’s own stupidity. That one comes back and back and back to bite you doesn’t it? It comes back to bite me all the time. Consider this, before my relationship with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex I was sure I was going to college and I was interested in learning new things, and I was virtually a sober person. My major issue back then was self-control, but that’s another story. After two years with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex I talked like a ghetto-idiot, and I was in the habit of smoking every day, rarely skipping a day and often smoking more than once in a day. My memory had entirely atrophied; and I had basically given up on my art. Now, two years later, sometimes I still feel like I’m catching up for all the lost time, but don’t we all? I can boast now that I have not drank an alcohol in nearly two years. I can boast that I have not had high fructose corn syrup in... I think four years. I’ve only smoked weed a handful of times in the last two years, especially in comparison to the two years previous to these two. What I’m saying is, it can come back around much more quickly than you think. It just takes a little self determination and a willingness to let go of the past and to (of course) find a new future.

Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 1:00pm

So I say to My Bestfriend;
Heh, tell me why... My Crazy “Ninja” Ex calls me this morning... And after talking for over an hour he tells me... That he would divorce his wife to have me back! And then he starts giving me his... like... resume... Telling me he has two cars and stuff and how he's changed!
My best male friend says: He’s prolly got problems in his relationship right now
I say: He says he's always felt that way. He only told me because I'm having problems. He said he never told me because I seemed happy.
My best male friend says: Yea, you have a habit of getting suckered by guys because you're blinded by your uncontrollable desire.
2:15pm, I say: My desire is very well under control thank you. I mean, you have no idea what it was like for me at 12. I was INSANE. I mean, literally. I cried night after night from pent up unspent lustful emotion. I was driven by sex day and night for almost four years. And I didn't even have my first orgasm until the third year of that. Now, I'd say I have things under control.
My best male friend says: And you've made progress, but sex isn’t the only thing you desire.
I say: Very true. That desire isn't as easy to dismiss.
My best male friend says: just because it sounds more noble now doesn't make it any less poisoning
I say: I wouldn't say it's poisoning. Which is why it's not so easy to dismiss. I genuinely believe there isn't anything more worth while than being mutually in love with someone. It makes everything else in life that much more important.
My best male friend says: See? You're mind has been poisoning into denying its negative influence over you.
I say: Yeah, heartbreak is the toll you pay for love. Falling is the toll for walking. Nothing is worth anything that doesn't come with risk. My only problem is wanting it so badly that I can't imagine being alone. My problem is fear of loneliness, not aspiration of perfect love.
My best male friend says: You don’t just get heartbroken woman, you see someone advertizing heartbreak and cut to the front of the line, and once they deliver you start to cry and ask for more.
I say: My fear of loneliness is a serious problem. Not at all, I'm so afraid of being alone that I keep trying to make things work even when it's clear it won't work because I'm so intent on the tiny chance that it might.
My best male friend says: Wake up out of you lovey-dovey stupor once in a while and take control rather that sit in this cycle of love highs and depression.
I say: If and when My Boyfriend and I break up... Around sixty-forty chances right now... He's up from ninety-ten, then I shall date. Not go out with any one person, but date.
He says: You know, multiple times you said it was over, he just waved his wand at you again and there you are once more, for however many month now..
I say: Not so exactly. Mom changed things this time. I was done, but she decided to talk us both out of it while I was moving our shit. Like I was actually packing up some of his things... I was done. And I would have been done if he'd pulled even one little stunt since then, but he hasn't. For nine days he's been perfectly respectful and endearing.
He says: You were done I think, I don’t think there was a "one more stunt" and you were finished.
I say: There wasn't on Thanksgiving, I was done. And then my mom made me go for one last shot. One more shot after My Boyfriend realized it was really over.
Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 2:36pm

I’ve been up since ten-thirty when My Boyfriend woke me up with an egg on toast and a cup of tea... It’s that sort of thing that’s making me believe again. Maybe I’m a fool, but if My Boyfriend proves us all wrong, then who is the fool? Everyone?
After My Boyfriend left My Crazy “Ninja” Ex called me. As I said to My Bestfriend, after we talked for a long time (mostly about spiritual things, I told him about the book I’m reading and about my newly confirmed beliefs about Darghtonyon) I mentioned some things about how things are going with My Boyfriend. My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was surprised. He believed My Boyfriend and I were set for life...
Speaking of which, My Boyfriend keeps telling me how he wants me to be his wife... And asking if I want to be his wife, which is hard to answer. I told My Boyfriend over the phone after he’d made it to work that the honest and full truth is that I do love him, but hold my reservations. He answered that this hurt him, but that he knows.
I wonder how long things can persist this way? If I continued to not trust him for the next three months – would he continue to try then? What about the next year? Most certainly not in that case. And how far is he willing to go to keep me? And even if he is willing to go far enough, how long will that last? I wish I could tell what things would be like after a year of marriage or after five years of marriage... I wish I could see what it would be like with any man who would take me so I could make a smart decision.
It seems to me that if I leave My Boyfriend I’ll just be in the same place two years later. The only way out of the same pattern I can see is either to; (1) date a woman, or (2) date My First Love since we wouldn’t be silly infatuated lovers but grown people who would appreciate each other, or (3) stay single for a long time and date prospective lovers for long periods of time to get to know them outside of a relationship.
I’d like to try all three if I’m single again. Ask My First Love in as a room-mate, date him, date some other people, including women. No sex involved with any of them, just play-dates and maybe a few kisses and cuddling. Intimate time without any intimate time. You know?
Anyway, as I said, after My Crazy “Ninja” Ex heard that things weren’t the best with My Boyfriend he made the sneaky and perceptive choice to tell me that he wanted me back. His reason is that he feels I understand him best. I’ve seen him at his worst, whereas his wife has not. I said to him, “Aren’t you attached to your wife? You’ve been with her for two years!”
He said that he was, but not the way he’s attached to me. This surprised me. It’s almost as if Danya is to him like My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was to me. Like I was to My Crazy “Ninja” Ex like My First Love was to me. Like Brianna was to My Boyfriend like My First Love was to me. God, it just goes round and round and round and nobody is on the same level as anyone! Oh, and perhaps Janet is much to My First Love like My Crazy “Ninja” Ex was to me like Danya is to Tre! I wonder how Danya feels about Tre! For goodness sakes this is just bloody confounding.
But who is to whom like My Boyfriend is to me? My Boyfriend... I believed him to be better than my first when we originally got together. My first love as a young woman and not as a growing girl. My first love as a “mature” person. My first love with a like-person. My first relationship that logically ought to be heading somewhere. The first person I’d met “like me” so I thought. But like me now? He’s like a part of me, a part of me frozen in time unable to grow up. I feel like I was like him, but now I’ve grown. So now what?
I told My Crazy “Ninja” Ex that I’d remember he’d said that, but reminded him that even in the even that I become single again, I won’t come running to him. That’s for sure. I did say that I wouldn’t be opposed to a casual date perhaps. Something that his wife would be okay with, even if she never knows about it.
Something else My Crazy “Ninja” Ex said that was particularly interesting, in fact, more interesting than his interest in me, is that he now can’t sleep at night unless he can count seven good deeds that he’s done throughout the day. He feels he needs to atone not only for the bad deeds of this life but in past lives. I agree with him there.
I talked with my mother about this for a bit and she said, “This is going to sound hoaky from where we both are in life right now, but that was what the Christ was all about.”
“What?” I said, completely bewildered by this statement.
She went on to explain that the Christ was for the purpose of absolving people of their long-history sins. Not just their karma from this life, but in their last lives. As a child, that hadn’t made much sense to me, but after my two-year relationship with Tre, and hearing what My Crazy “Ninja” Ex had to say today, and after everything I’ve read from Joan Grant... It all falls into place for me now. I don’t expect my readers to understand or to respect this. Most people who believe in Christ do not believe in reincarnation, so in the public’s opinion, I’m entirely fucked.
And those who believe in reincarnation are often spiritualists who detest organized religion. And beyond that, those who are usually intelligent enough to come to their own conclusions end up denouncing all spirituality and religion as silly stories and beliefs and traditions that ought to be done away with.
I, fortunately and also unfortunately fall into none of those three most common categories. Through my experience spirits do exist. Through my experience energy or chakra or chi is real. Through my experience meditation can have astounding and unbelievable effects that can’t be easily explained away by science.
I do not believe god shaped us out of clay with some ephemeral hand made of clouds. I do not believe Jesus was the only important prophet or savior, and neither do I believe that the story is accurate. It may even be dated wrong since similar stories have been told thousands of years before Jesus was said to have been born.
I do believe current organized religion is a bounty of corruption. I believe people would be better off as atheists than as Christians. I believe people don’t need religion to be good people.
I don’t believe in a heaven or a hell, but I do believe in a life after death. I don’t believe in any one god, but I do believe in karma.
I’ve come to all of these conclusions through; (1) personal experience most importantly, (2) reading, (3) intellectual debates, (4) inspiration movies, music and other sources of possible information and insight, though these are helpful on a much lesser degree than the first three I’ve listed.
The real fact of the My Bestfriender is that I have people, experience and books to back up my beliefs whereas most people have a church, a bible and brainwashed faith. I have particular examples of unexplainable events in my life whereas most atheists simply say “clearly there are no floating beings in the sky waiting to judge me.” I can’t simply be out-argued out of my beliefs. They can be expanded upon, adjusted, or shifted into a new focus, which happens all the time I might add, but they can’t be completely dislodged because I know there is truth in them.
Just like it becomes obvious to a person that most people never get over their first love after they go through their first heartbreak, so it has become obvious to me that reincarnation is a fact, not a convenient story or a made-up tale. I’m writing all of this because I know how controversial it is for me to have just written that Christ was all about absolving people of sins from their soul – including the sins of past life times.
It’s not so much that I believe in “sins” so much as I believe in karma. And it’s not so much that I believe in karma as it is that I believe a soul carries emotions, and one large on is guilt. When you feel guilt for a past offense then you carry the weight of the offence with you, and until you have redeemed yourself you are subject to negative effects. That, I believe, is founded in science as much as spirit.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That is karma after all. Why does nobody I meet see it that way? Science, history, myths, religion, and spirituality all fit together to make a complex and complete picture. And while noone has the entire puzzle, we all have a piece to add. But instead of listening, and being open minded, and expanding our understanding, we all stand around denouncing each other left and right.
We can all agree that we’d like to be treated in a certain way, and we can all agree that we’d be more likely to treat other people that way if they treated us that way first. And I’m sure most of us can agree that in order for that to ever become common we as individuals must decide to start every relationship that way. We must treat others as we wish to be treated. No My Bestfriender your background, your understandings, your beliefs, I’m sure you can agree with me on that point.
You probably want respect for your beliefs, your ideas, and your thoughts. So why can’t we respect that we are all different? If we did that, then the killing would stop – just like that, it would stop. Why would you kill a man because he cheated on you? You know that if you did that you’d want to be forgiven, not murdered. So forgive and move on. The strength it must take to do such a thing – to really forgive adultery and then make a clean break... But we all have the power to control ourselves, even when we think we don’t, even when our emotions are running high, there is always a way to stop.
Someone once said that sometimes we feel like we can’t stop masturbating, that we’re right in the middle of it, then we’re incapable of stopping the motion, that our body is locked. We really feel that way. Until your mom walks in the room. Suddenly you can stop very quickly and even easily. This shows just how much control we have, even when we’re positive that we’re locked.
My point is, when it really comes down to it, there is no excuse for human’s behavior as a whole. Sure, we can psycho-analyze the entire human race and why they do what they do, but we can’t say there is any excuse for not doing onto others as we wish them to do to us because every single one of us knows innately that it’s the only way to solve this giant problem called humanity. For anyone who can truly say that they treat all others they way they wish to be treated; I respect you, and I’m positive you will respect me, even if I do have the most odd mixture of beliefs.

Tater writes: Thanks for the postcards..you guys are really talented! When my sister was first murdered I used to think about violence a lot. I would ask myself "WHY? How could he actually have done that?" I don't ask "Why?" anymore because I don't think there is an answer. Actually, if there is an answer..it is because he is mentally ill. That is about all I can come up with. Though I don't necessarily agree with "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"..I sort of relate to the saying...It take alot to start doing major healing after a major trauma (such as losing my sister and mom) but I feel like I am stronger than most people BECAUSE I have had to go through those tragedies.

I reply: Ah, I'm glad they made it. (The postcards that is.) Recovering from emotional trauma is indeed strengthening. I was perhaps too broad in my entry, and I undoubtedly wrote a lot of subjective and flawed concepts there because I was feeling very unhappy about the state of the world. I think it's much more complex than "if it doesn't kill you, then you get stronger" or the reverse. It's of course some where in the gray area.

Wednesday, December, 17th 2008 at 9:54pm

I just had a short discussion with my father of my own free will... It was difficult to will myself to do it, but I did. I started it with;
"I don't wish to have a prolonged debate because I find that more hindering to our relationship than beneficial."
And then we talked for about ten minutes about his drinking habits, why I'm not in college, and my future plans. I feel like a giant rock has been taken off my chest.
11:33pm...I keep thinking to myself; "If something happened to my dad tomorrow I'd feel so bad because he'd never know how much it hurts me that we couldn't be closer." It makes my eyes begin to tear just to write that. I feel so deeply torn about him.
I can’t respect him for what he does, but I can’t help but respect him for being there for me even though I hate how he’s never really here for me. I feel betrayed when I think about him, but I also feel pity and sickness and sadness... I feel light headed.
He was a really good father to me when I was very small, but just grew more and more distant and more and more harsh since I was ten. I don't even know if it's because of me or if it's his own issues. Did he give up on me? Has he ever felt proud of me? Does he ever wish he could be closer to me?
Are we women ever doing anything other than trying to attain daddy’s unattainable love? Is that all I’m reduced to? I understand the psychological implications, I see all the dots connect, I’m not an idiot... I see the connection between my attitudes towards sex and men and relationships and love and I see how they correlate to my experiences with my father... I know, and I’ve known for so long, but it’s so damn hard to admit to myself.
Christ is all I can do just to keep focusing on the screen and not collapse and wail...
Several tissues and minutes later... I want to be able to go to my dad with things, but everything we talk about... He takes on this dominating and “I am right and can say no wrong” tone which is so hard to respond to. It brings out my automatic hostility. It’s hard to remain calm when he always talks like that.

December 9th 2008

2008-12-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December, 9th 2008 at 12:50pm

My best male friend writes;
I spoke with Chris, and came to some interesting conclusions. we were up until 6:00am talking. I have overcome so many emotions and instinctual tendencies. I don't know that that’ a good thing anymore.... I don't know that it’s a bad thing either. I've already decided I want to try not having morals in the conventional sense. Something else may be changing soon too. But I don't agree with you either. I don't know how to describe it yet. I told you I was going to alter and change I views on day one... i'm changing them again. I've finally been presented a number of those "better arguments" I was looking for... lets see where they lead me.

Friday, December, 12th 2008 at 12:33am

Funny that the last time I added something it was also something My Bestfriend wrote... Here is something a bit longer from him:

So there I was, like a fish outa water, with my brother's copies of Cathedral and Gobblet, at about 10:10 or so, at university station, and a bag filled to about twice its capacity. I had eight dollars in change clinging in my pocket since the machines only give you change in the form of... change, and I only had a ten on me. Did I mention that I'm white? Thank the Lord Almighty that I have a goatee or I'd be screwed.. Oh, speaking of... This born again right? He's been handing out little folded sheets of photocopied bull to everyone at the platform. An old Asian woman smiles and nods while she reads the eight or ten lines of illegible text, fittingly accompanied by a verse or two from Corinthians, II Corinthians to be exact... well to be exact it was chapter four, verse seventee- aw hell, here it is, verbatim, punctuation and all (minus the dashes for indentation):
--These "light afflictions"
--which is but for a moment
--"worketh for us" a far more
--exceeding and eternal
--weight of glory.
Now, this doesn't take into account that it actually reads:
--For this momentary light affliction
--is producing for us an eternal
--weight of glory beyond all comparison.
(New American Bible translation)
How do I know all this? Well, first of all, I own two or three Bibles myself and have read it myself (minus Leviticus, numbers, and Deuteronomy which, I'm sorry, are just too boring for me and i'm not Jewish so I think I could spend my time better than learning ancient Hebrew law). Now granted we're clearly using different translations, I thought it a nice touch to just add on what it actually says rather than just show you the five words used in the four lines of text presented by said born again. Oh, but how do I know which verse was on the pamphlet? Well he gave me one of course, but not before a bit of introduction. I mean, we can't just rush blindly into these things like a Christian to his god can we? Well, one of us could have... I begged to differ however.
"Sir, would you like to hear a little something about the Jesus Christ?"
"Oh, no thank you, I'm a declared atheist." A look of sadness and pity filled his face that only a moment ago was beaming with the power of the holy spirit.
"A declared atheist?" he asked rhetorically as if he could have misheard, "Now why is that?"
"I don't believe in god?" I shrugged, figuring I should start with the simplest answer. Call me cruel, but I like to reel them in first by feigning misguidedness before catching them off guard with an actual argument only a little later on. Its a flaw, I know, i'm dealing with it. We all have our sins-flaws. You know what I meant.
"Well maybe you just need to learn about Jesus and his message."
"Oh no, I know more than enough. I went to Catholic school for the first eighteen years of my life."
"Well, ok yea, but Catholics have some... ehh" he moves his hand at an angle implying that Catholics are a little off key.
"Oh well yes, I agree they're definitely off the mark, but then again I would say that of all Christians."
"But if you want to escape death and eternal damnation, you must have a relationship with Christ. My man, i'm sure you can agree that we are all sinners and are doomed to die, is that correct? I mean, that is true right? We're all sinners and we're gonna die, right?" Well played, asking questions does put him in a position of strength. ;)
"I think that depends on what you mean by sin. If you mean what you think God says sin is, then I guess yea, but I don't know that there is such an absolute morality."
Alright, well you get the idea... We went on like this for a couple of minutes. I say that he has made some absurd assumption with no basis, he claims that the Bible tells him its true, I tell him that it's absurd to blindly follow a book with no basis, he claims that the Bible tells him its true, the train arrives. Good times, all around. I offer my hand for a shake, he shakes, asks me to humor him and take a flier, I gladly consent, and we walk into car in different entrances. I put my ear buds in, but he sits in front of me and begins to talk.
"...to compliment your sorrow, another life that I've taken from you, a gift to add on to your pain and suffering, another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely. All the cries you're beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening, Let me enlighten you. This is the way I prayyyyyy-" I took the ear bud out when I realized that he was talking to me and the Disturbed blaring in my ear cuts off (you didn't think he actually said that, did you?)
"I'm sorry, you were saying?" I apologized for having been so rude.
The topic this time was my specific salvation. After catching up with each other, he eventually got to this:
"'He who does not believe in me is a fool.' Jesus said that, correct? Now, I'm not calling you a fool, but that's what he said, right?"
"I don't know that he said it just like that but yea, something along those lines was said somewhere in the Bible."
"If you do not accept Jesus and have a relationship with him, and Christianity is not a religion. I'd like to make that clear. Christianity is not a religion. It's a relationship with Jesus Christ and he can save you from death and damnation. Man sees few days and most of them are spent suffering. You're life is just a puff of smoke!" A few of our bus mates point and chuckle at the "Christianity is not a religion" comment... at this point we've got quite the audience.
"Well I don't know that death is altogether bad." And I go on to use my typical quotes of which Ash i'm sure is quite familiar by now as she was first to tell me the Twain one,
"Einstein said that his short glimpse of the universe was more than enough to make him content with his life, and Mark Twain said that he was dead before he was born and it didn't bother him any."
And this is where he lost me... until now he had just been the compassionate misguided born again like all the rest, but he... oh, just listen to this.
"Well you know, Satan uses educated men to say some foolish things..."
I'm lolling on the inside, but I'm a good enough person to remain cordial and calm on the outside, showing only incredulity. This comment garnered some reaction from some of the others one the bus. Afterward, we debated the accuracy of science, the existence of satan, the infallibility of the Bible, and in ending, I brought up this point,
"So you're a man right? You're imperfect, you're not infallible, would you agree?" he nods head deeply in approval, "So how do you know that your interpretation of the Bible and what you think your relationship with Jesus is the one true interpretation that he intended if he indeed is god?"
With no hesitation, "Well, that's the power of the Holy Spirit."
"So the Holy Spirit makes you infallible?"
Ding ding ding, we're at the Amherst station, oh well wish I could stay longer, lets shake hands and part. As a final word, I say that regardless, I'm still going to be a good person, and he eyes me while we hold each other this time at each other's wrists, "But that won't save you from eternal damnation."
We exchange the ritual "Have a good night," "You too" and I begin to walk towards the broken escalator.
"You know, I agree with you mostly though" said a mysterious voice from behind me. A Black girl no older than I had garnered up the courage to talk to me.
"Thank you, I just value human rights above the dogma of any religion. We really need to doubt if we ever plan to improve ourselves, you know?"
"Well, my doubt is that the Book is man-made."
"That's a good point!"
"Someone once told me," she continued, "that someone originally made it all up to just get people to act in order and get things to be the way they wanted."
"And today," I respond, "most religions are just ways for those up top to manipulate and get their views put into law."
She asks me something about a bus schedule to which I have no answer, and we part ways too.
Finally, while crossing the street, the old Asian woman tells me, "I hope you find Jesus after that man talked to you about Jesus, I hope you find him."
"I'm sorry," I say with a laugh. She laughed good-naturedly as she walks off onto main street. I, meanwhile, went to the stop, my bag full to twice its capacity, and my little brother's board games stacked precariously in my arms. The ear buds begin to bleat Disturbed in my ears:
"You're so narrow-minded, So narrow-minded, So liberate your mind."

Friday, December, 12th 2008 at 10:45pm

Lilly and her brother Jim, as well as My Gaming Friend came tonight and we played two rounds of a game called Ra. Ra is the most popular game at Asa’ house on game nights, so I want to brush up on it, which I did tonight. My Gaming Friend won the first round, and I won the second; no surprise there. I didn’t find my win very fulfilling. I’m not really into games that involve that much luck, but at least it has a tiny bit more strategy than Risk in my opinion. Ugh, I can’t stand Risk anymore.
On another entirely different but equally mundane topic, I’ve decided Ghost in the Shell is my all-time favorite series, including non-anime shows. Second favorite; Full Metal Alchemist, and Death Note takes third. I think Boondocks would have to take fourth. Yeah, it would have to. Yeah, nobody cares, right? Unless you want to get into anime, you probably don’t care.
An old male friend is recommending that I watch Paranoid Agent and Serial Experiments: Lain. He tells me that Wolf’s Rain is a bore, which is another anime that My Bestfriend recommended. By the way, if any of my readers have any anime suggestions, I’m all ears to your personal favorites or any that you think I would like based on my favorites.
Why am I writing about such light things, do you ask? Well, My Boyfriend has decided to try, like really try. In fact, he’s doing more than trying; he’s doing. Last Sunday and Thursday he spent entirely with me; hence the lack of entries. He’s brought me tea countless times in six days, twice made me eggs, took two baths with me and we washed each other, we’ve each given each other pedicures, we’ve had sex four or five times, and we finished the Full Metal Alchemist anime series together. Also we’ve watched the first four episodes of Wolf’s Rain. We also went to the grocery store together for the first time in months. He’s ignored almost every call while with me. He’s talked to me about his feelings and ideas, and I’ve done the same. We’ve drawn together side by side two or three times. We’ve read together side by side four or five times. We watched an episode of the Tyra Show together while high and laughed at people together. And this morning, for the first time in who-knows-how-long I woke up at 10am all on my own, before My Boyfriend woke up.
I function better when I like my relationship, that’s for sure. I’ve decided that if he keeps this up through New Years than I’ll stay with him to the end of January even if he slips up once or twice in January. However, a complete relapse will make me give up entirely. I mean, I was going to end this Thanksgiving day. I was dead serious about it. I was going to ask my mom to go to dibble to change the locks on the front door and everything. Mom talked us both out of it. If things end up working out after all, then I guess she was right. If not, then it’s not like I’m any worse off than I was.
Oh, and guess what, the amazing stuff doesn’t end there; I sent out Christmas cards! Yeah! I rock. I had to send something out that someone bought on e-bay anyway, and my mom was heading to the post office to send x-mas cards and so I spent a little over an hour rushing to get cards sent, starting with finding addresses. So, if I have your address, I probably sent something. All except Marie, sorry. I was sure you told me you moved, so I think the address I have for you is wrong. You should e-mail me your current one sometime.
When I have a complete version of my novel edited by myself once, then I'll want to collect three to five people to read it and put in their ideas, speculations and corrections. I want to finish it soon... Before New Years at least. I figure if I can write the first fifty thousand words in thirty days, than I can surely finish it in another thirty, the problem is, what if it ends up longer than 100k?!
...And I'm not writing quite as fast as I was last month... And the story is getting really complicated. I might have to simply complete this part of the story and save a lot of my plot for the second. I always think the next three pages will fit more action than they do; by the time you describe one or two things in detail and add in a conversation and a little character development, then three pages only covered 1-3 bits of action, and I already feel like I'm skimping on the details. Ah, it's a tough balance.

Saturday, December, 13th 2008 at 10:09pm

I was telling My Cool Girlbuddy today: I should title that part of my life: "Don't Do What I Did"
Though it never works. Everyone has their first love sooner or later and everyone ends up hopelessly heart broken over it sooner or later. The question is how they handle the breakup.
For me, my first love and I splitting was the end of the world. I was 15 when we split, we'd been going out steady for a year and on and off for a year before that. I was a Junior in high school at a new school. We'd been living together for six months. I went entirely insane
To this day the most miserable month of my life was the month after he left me. Then, I went and fell for a guy entirely wrong for me and he moved in for the next two years. He turned out to be a gang-member who knew martial arts and carried a gun and a sword on him, and was a profound liar and thief. Yeah, it's really all a fantastic tale. It could be made into a movie.
The opening scene would be the house fire when I was 14, And how My First Love moves in with us at the new apartment because he got kicked out the very same day. The first 20 minutes would be about my new life with My First Love, and how we're blissful at first and then how we start squabbling like a cross between siblings and a married couple... About his first job at burger king and a brief review of my shitty school life... And then 25 minutes into the movie My First Love leaves me.
I'm hysterical of course, screaming about committing suicide. I wear the same clothes for a week. I refuse to do anything. I don't pay attention at school. I beg and plead for him back. That's all covered in less than 10 minutes of the movie. Then I meet this new guy - he's half Jamaican and half veniceswaylan. He's got an accent and dreads down to his ass. He's dead sexy and strong as an ox. He starts going out with me on a bet, even though I didn't know it. (This is all true by the way) He bets he can make me hot and popular. He takes me to get my nails done. He tells me to dye my hair black. He buys me "in" clothing.
I do a Tarot reading for myself somewhere early on while I'm with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and it tells me that in 8 months My First Love will come back to me. My First Love cheats on his new girl and I cheat on My Crazy “Ninja” Ex with each other. Then I fall in love with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I tell My First Love I can't do it anymore. Eight months into my relationship with My Crazy “Ninja” Ex My First Love asks for me back but I say no.
One year into the relationship I discover My Crazy “Ninja” Ex is in a gang, that he's killed people before, and that he's extremely violent in general. 1.5 years into the relationship I realize he's stealing from me, but I can't prove it. Nearly two years into the relationship I come home and he's breaking up crack to sell.
One great scene in the movie is where My Crazy “Ninja” Ex and I get into a heated argument. His gun is on the table and just because I'm angry I pick it up. And I point it at him. I had no intention of shooting it. But My Crazy “Ninja” Ex kicks it out of my hand into his, and then puts it right to my head and dares me to tell him to pull it. We both don't graduate high school because we both failed the physics exam. When he finds out he laterally collapses in tears. Oh, and speaking of collapsing – he has a split persona, and sometimes when he switches he collapses. I didn't know that until a year into it. I didn't leave him because I was scared. But one month short of our two year anniversary I dump him; He cries like a baby. He pleads. He calls every day for forty days, crying over the phone. Then I meet My Boyfriend a month after My Crazy “Ninja” Ex moves out....
The movie should have a happy ending, so it should end two months into my relationship with My Boyfriend. It'd be a hit, don't you think?
Sunday, December, 14th 2008 at 3:44pm

I just had an insight that many will think me insane for, but that’s okay. I’m used to it.
Joan Grant attributes her natural affinities and understandings to past life experiences, as many who believe in reincarnation do. However, I never considered this for myself. What parts of my personality or natural understanding could come from past life experience?
...I think that feeling I keep getting (oh man, I’m getting chills) when I want to play this game... This game I know that is so awesome... There is this activity that I know exists... I feel this urge to go do it, and then, I can never find what it is. The closest I can get to fulfilling this urge is by playing a very good board game or video game or by working towards creating a game... I now feel certain that this feeling is a strong remnant of my most relevant past life.
For anyone who is still reading this entry but thinks I’m insane, I urge you to read Joan Grant’s biography or to read one of her ‘far-memory’ books. Even if you think it’s all made-up fiction, then fine. The books still carry wonderful story value, but more importantly, life-lesson value. Joan Grant’s understanding of human emotions, human interactions and the results and causes of human behavior is outstanding. Even if you believe she didn’t actually live the lives she claims to have lived before her life as Joan, you can still respect her as being a highly intellectual individual with marvelous writing.
Interestingly, Joan Grant died just a four days after my birthday... I find that a tiny bit spooky on an entirely immature level.
4:!3pm... So I’m reading “Many Lifetimes,” by Joan Grant & Denys Kelsey, and I’m on the second chapter by Denys. One of the changing moments in his profession is when he had a patient who couldn’t move her legs. Her paralysis turned out to be purely psychological and caused from not wanting to go on a trip she felt she had to go on. Under hypnosis she screamed; “I’d rather have no legs than have to go!” But in her waking-conscious mind she had only mentioned the trip casually, saying she was a bit nervous about it, but that she’d go anyway because she had to.
Denys insists that she remember what she had said while under hypnosis in her waking-consciousness. When she becomes aware that her condition is a result of her own wishes she begins to recover and finds her legs fully functional again in three days. Denys concludes from this that the physical impact is only so dramatic because she her waking-conscious-self wasn’t aware of the depths of her own misgivings. In other words, if she’d tried to fake the paralysis it wouldn’t have worked at all, whereas, because her subconscious was the one making the demand, it became a true physical limitation.
I find this extraordinarily interesting. I want to know what I would say under hypnosis! This brings forth the uncomfortable thought that my dad has been trained in such a thing... He’d be capable of it. He might even like to do it. But then who knows what I’d admit to him, and... Yeah, that could be embarrassing. It could also repair our completely broken relationship and help to restore the lost respect on both sides...
I’m going to continue reading now.

Missed Something?

2008-12-09T13:18:00.000-08:00

My Novel Writing Advice 11-14-08

My Father Being a Complete Ass 11-15-08

My boyfriend Talking Like an Idiot 11-16-08

You Are A Sheep If You... 11-19-08

Dear Jeremy... 11-26-08

My Thanksgiving Nightmare 11-27-08

You've got to change the world... 11-29-08

Nanowrimo Victory!

Limping to the End 11-30-08

My most recent poem; "I don't want to live, I don't want to die." 11-11-08

My Current Digital Painting, "Waking Beauty," which is still in progress. 11-24-08

What Love Is To Me: Letter to Him 12-2-08

The Hole In My Support System 12-4-08

People are Shallow 12-8-08

My Latest Artwork; Eshana 12-7-08

New Wild Photos 12-9-08

Would you...?

2008-12-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Friday, December, 5th 2008 at 12:07am

I had an awesome Friday. Matt came over and we painted together. I cooked potatoes and carrots in herbs. Matt left, and Asa arrived. Asa, Mom and I played this awesome game called Dominion for hours and hours.

Saturday, December, 6th 2008 at 5:34pm

In my dream I went to jail for some reason. A guard charged me with breaking up crack. Since I don’t really know much about it in real life the dream kept switching up how it was done. At once point I was cutting plants with a knife. At another point I was crushing up powder. The smell would keep me so high and confused, and everyone was constantly offering me a pipe full of the stuff.
Then I was supposed to ‘roll’ the stuff into little balls and wet it with my saliva to make it crystalize; put it on the end of a toothpick... And put the toothpick into the eyes of dogs... It was a terrible dream. That’s probably what I get for oversleeping. Then again, I was up until 9am, so of course I’ve been sleeping all day.
Crusifer came home at 6am or so and I had only been asleep for less than half an hour. I ended up being wide awake. Things got emotional. We had a really meaningful conversation, but I don’t think it changes anything. I have no faith in his words anymore. I do think he understands the situation though, he just doesn’t have the will power to change things. He knows how though. I know he knows how. And he also knows that he doesn’t have long to show me that he’s something other that what I’ve grown to know him as.
I think I’m going to give him the letter soon. I wasn’t going to do it after all if you’d asked me yesterday, but last night I wanted to. He already knows what’s happening. It’s not as if it’s news. And I feel it’s only fair he has the chance to try to do something about it... Why do I keep on letting a tiny spark of hope glimmer?
Does it still come back to Jeremy leaving me? I want to give the chance I felt I wasn’t given. But I have given it, over and over again...

Sunday, December, 7th 2008 at 1:29am

I... Felt great a while ago. Now it’s all drained away.
I got up very late... Around five-thirty. It’s because I was up until 9am talking to Crusifer last night. I almost hate how much I still love him. I hate how I become so filled with hope for short bits of time. It’s pointless. Another day, where he can’t make it home and can’t call. Why do I bother at all?
I just called for the third time. He says he’s been asleep at Frankie house. I guess Nikki didn’t give him a ride home after all. And of course he never thought anywhere in there to call me. He claims he’s going to walk home now.
I wrote a bit today. I have 57,000 words over ninety-five pages. Beyond that though, I love how the story is coming along. The only real issue with it is how long it’s becoming. I’m not even dawdling that much on details or in any one area of the plot. I just have so much story-line to get out, and so many new twists keep coming to me. And my character just went through this change that I didn’t really see coming. It’s so cool when something just happens without you even realizing it until you’ve written it.
And after I wrote for a while I went downstairs and worked on stuff with my mom. I unloaded five or six boxes of books that came down from the attic once upon a time. (The ‘back’ of the attic used to be chocked full of boxes of books, all of which were covered in soot from the fire. When I cleaned out this area to become my future office those books were put in the living room and on the enclosed-porch.) I unloaded those books onto the shelves my mom has been building on the other end of the living room. They’re almost full now.
The other project we’ve been working on these past few days is the old craft room. (Also on the first floor, adjacent to the dining room.) It’s now just going to be a sewing and wrapping room. So everything that isn’t sewing and x-mas stuff is moving out of there. All of the craft stuff is moving up to Mary’s old bed room (on the second floor), a. k. a. my old bed room. And the new craft room is almost full now.
I carried a couple boxes of crafts from the new sewing room to the new craft room and unloaded and organized them as well today. I didn’t do any cooking. I just ate a couple of apples with cheese while I watched Gunslinger girl.
Mom and I played a two player game of race for the galaxy and I won by around 20 points. It was something like 60 to 40 I think. And then Ashley called me and I guess she had a really bad day. So I listened and offered to hang out with her tonight. (I was betting Crusifer wasn’t going to make it home.)
A lot of calling back and such happened, and plans changed back and forth a bunch of times but what ended up happening was Ashley, Vanessa and Matt came over at around 11:45pm and we played a five-player game of Race for the Galaxy. This was the first time playing with five players since I got the expansion so I was pleased with that. (My mom played too, she’s the fifth player.) And because I had to do so much explaining I didn’t pay attention to my own plays at all. Vanessa and I tied for last place with 33 points, (I can believe I remember these details), and Ashley came in third with 43 points, Matt came in second with 44 points and Mom won with around 60 points.
That was fun. The game ended at 1:15am and Ashley only got two hours of sleep last night so she was pretty tired. And Vanessa said she’d be too tired to drive if she waited any longer to go. I suggested that either Ashley or Matt or both could stay and I could drive them home tomorrow or something, but they both opted on being driven home instead. (Ashley and Vanessa back to the dorms and Matt back to his house. They all go to the University of Buffalo.)
Wow, I totally forgot I was writing this entry, I’ve been on IM for so long.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 4:29am

I stole this from :redrubynail. Løw redrubynail of deviant art.

Your real name: Phoenix; it’s my real middle name anyway
Age: 19
Height: 5'6"
Natural hair color: Brunette
Eye color: Blue
Skin color: Very pale
Glasses/contacts?: Both, but usually glasses
Piercings: None, and never will
Tattoos: None, and never will.
Braces: In the past.
Other distinctive markings: I have a small mole on my neck just above my right collar bone.

--FAVORITES--
Color: Black & Pink
Band: Nox Arcana
Video game: Civilization (By far the best game ever made, even the first one.)
Movie: How about my favorite series? That’s much easier: Death Note
Book: Flesh & Spirt and Breath & Bone a two-part series by Carol Berg
Food: Jazz apples with five-year aged white cheddar cheese.
Game on a cell phone: None.
CD: I have no idea; but my favorite song right now is Butterflies & Hurricanes by Muse.
Flower: Tiger Lily
Scent: His armpit after a long day’s work.
Animal: Phoenix of course.
Comic book: I don’t read comics, but I do love animes. Spirited Away is an awesome anime movie.
Cereal: Organic granola... Have no idea what the name of my favorite one is though.
Website: My own blog probably.
Cartoon: Ghost in the Shell, if you can call it a cartoon. I prefer to call it an anime.

--DO YOU--
Play an instrument?: Violin, but I suck and haven’t played in years
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: Not even half that
Like to sing?: I hate to sing around people. I love to sing when I’m alone.
Have a job?: I’d like one; one that would pay really well with few hours a week where I could spout my ideas into reality.
Have a cell phone?: Yep.
Like to play sports?: I like dancing, and ice skating and biking.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I haven’t been single for more than a month at a time since I was in eighth grade.
Have a crush on someone?: Ish.
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: I wish I had.
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: There are three, and two of them are not mine.
Have any special talents/skills?: I can come up with ideas very quickly. I can learn a new board game faster than anyone I’ve ever met. I can hold 99% of a conversation for hours upon hours.
Exercise daily?: I try.
Like school?: I’ve never been to a really good one, but if I could go to a really good one, then I’d probably love it.

--CAN YOU--
Sing the alphabet backwards?: I fail.
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: Another fail.
Speak any other languages?: Fail.
Go a day without food?: Total fail.
Remember your dreams: Around once a week.
Read music, not just tabs?: …I can read lyrics.
Roll your tongue?: Fail.
Eat a whole pizza?: I wouldn’t touch one.

--HAVE YOU EVER--
Won something in the lottery?: Yep. Something like a fries.
Snuck out of the house?: A bunch of times when I was 14.
Lied to get out of trouble?: Perhaps once.
Had a computer crash?: A couple.
Seen a shooting star?: Nope.
Been to any other countries?: Another Fail.
Had a serious surgery?: No.
Stolen something important to someone else?: Never.
Solved a rubiks cube?: I think I did once, I failed a heck of a lot more.
Gone out in public in your pajamas?: Yes.
Cried over a girl?: Probably.
Cried over a boy?: I do that a lot, actually.
Kissed a random stranger?: Yes, a blonde girl on a bus once...
Hugged a random stranger?: Yes.
Been in a fist fight?: Ish.
Been arrested?: No.
Done drugs?: Yes, but never again.
Had alcohol?: Ditto my last.
Laughed and had something come out of your nose?: ..Yes, once.
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yeah, I’m such a rebel.
Sneaked into the opposite sex's bathroom?: Nay.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Several times, mostly because of snow days.
Swore at your parents?: I’ve called them a few not very good things, yes. I once called my dad a coward. He didn’t like that very much.
Kicked a guy where it hurts?: Not on purpose.
Been to a casino?: No.
Ran over an animal and killed it?: I hope not.
Gotten stitches?: No.
Had a water balloon fight in winter?: Heh.. No.
Made homemade muffins?: Yes, tons of times.
Bitten someone?: Yes.
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: No.
Burped in someone’s face?: Ew, gross no.

--WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU--
Brushed your teeth: A few hours ago.
Cried: Yesterday.
Went to the bathroom: Like twenty minutes ago.
Saw a movie in a theater: Some anti-religion movie with a bunch of people... Religious I think it was called. Can’t remember the date.
Read a book: I’m rereading a book my mom read to me years ago: So Moses Was Born by Joan Grant. It’s an excellent book, I highly recommend it.
Had a snow day: Well, snow has been on the ground the past few days.
Had a party: I have board game parties at my house every Friday.
Went to a doctor: I don’t want to talk about it.
Tripped in front of someone: Happens all the time, I can’t keep track.
Went to the grocery store: Hm... Like a week ago.
Got sick: Hm. You know, back when I was a kid I was sick three or four times in just one winter. I’m doing a lot better now.
Got cursed: Like, by a person? Like cursed out? Oh, hm. Probably back in High School, senior year.
Called someone: I called Crusifer last night a bunch of times.

--DO YOU PREFER--
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit.
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Depends.
TV/movie: Anime
Body spray/lotion: Lotion
Cash/cheque: Cash
Pillows/blankets: Blankets (they’re warmer!)
Headache/stomach ache: Headache. (I’ve had stomach aches you’d never take over a headache.)
Paint/charcoal: Oh, both! And pencils, and crayons, and markers, and digital edits!!!
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese. If it’s American style though, neither.
Summer/winter: Winter
Snow/rain: Rain
Fog/misty: Both
Rock/rap: Rock
Meat/vegetarian: A little of each?
Chocolate/vanilla: I don’t do sugar, but plain raw chocolate with fruit and honey for flavor... Now that would be a treat.
Sprinkles/icing: Ew gross no.
Cake/pie: Ew double gross no.
Strawberries/blueberries: Strawberries and raspberries!
Ocean/swimming pool: Swimming pool.
Cookies/muffins: Sounds like sugar. Sounds gross.
Wallet/pocket: Purse
Window/door: Door. It’s easier to get through.
Charles Chaplin/Chespirito: Who and who?
Pink/purple: Pink!
Cat/dog: Cat, but neither if I have to clean up after it.
Long sleeve/short sleeve: Uh, that would clearly depend.
Pants/shorts: Skirt? No, pants. Shorts suck.
Winter break/spring break: I don’t remember.
Spring/autumn: Spring, I like stuff budding.
Clouds/clear sky: Clouds
Moon/mars: Moon.
Questions/Answers: Who knows.
War/Peace: Peace; duh. Anything other is immature and stupid. War is a creation of males and their pride and their egos and fanatics who are power hungry and greedy. War is wrong.

--I...--
Am: crying idealistic tears of creativity.
Want: money, love, and a position in life that will allow me to create, learn and teach.
Need: all the things I want.
Love: loving and being loved.
Hate: as little as possible, which is a lot of things.
Feel: like my eyeballs are popping out of their sockets.
Did: I did? I can’t think of something that is grammatically correct to fit with those first two words.
Miss: being happy.
Am annoyed by: sheep; those following mindless robots.
Would rather: die than have to go through another heartbreak, but I have to live.
Am tired of: Everything.
Will always: be searching for perfect love.

--MISCELLANEOUS--
What is your favorite genre of music?: Hard to say. I like things I can dance to.
What time is it now?: 4:46am.
How much money do you have right now?: In the bank? That’s none of yours. (What’s a kroner?)
Are you hungry right now?: Ish.
What are you doing right now?: Obviously, I’m filling out answer after answer.
Do you like parades?: Not generally.
Do you like the moon?: Yes.
What are you going to do when you're done with this?: Hopefully I’ll sleep.
If you could have any magical power what would it be?: The ability to know the truth about anything I wished to know the truth about.
--DO YOU THINK YOU ARE--
Funny?: Sometimes.
Cool?: I think I’m the coolest person alive.
Pretty?: More so than most.
Sarcastic?: Extremely.
Lazy?: Often.
Hyper?: Rarely.
Friendly?: To people I like.
Evil?: Not at all.
BC: What?
Me: Uh, yeah.
Unforgettable?: Yes.
Smart?: Very.
Strong?: Not physically, that’s for sure.
Talented?: Ish.
Dorky?: Depends on how you look at it.

--WHAT COMES TO MIND WITH THE WORD--
High: Weed.
Lonely: Guys.
Pen: Writing.
Flower: Pretty.
Window: Outdoors.
Psycho: Hot chick.
Brain freeze: Owch.
Strange: Me.
Sassy: Cool.
Suffering: Blood.
Art: Life.

--WOULD YOU EVER--
Sky dive?: Yes.
Run away?: Yes.
Curse at a teacher?: Probably.
Not take a shower for a week?: It happens all the time...
Ask someone out?: I’ve done it plenty of times.
Unscrew your cellphone too see what's inside?: Probably not.
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: No.
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: I want to move to Japan.
Go scuba diving?: Yes.
Write a book?: I’m working on that.
Assemble a computer?: I would.
Become a rock star?: I would if I could.
Have a long-distance relationship?: Never.
Marry someone you don't know?: Never.

--LAST QUESTIONS--
What kind of computer do you have?: Alienware laptop.
What grade/level of studies are you in?: I’m still in preschool... Haha. I’m hoping to go to college when I turn 21.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 6:22pm

Crusifer really wants to be with me. But desire just isn’t enough. I still plan to leave him, but I do leave the door of possibility open. Yesterday was a marvelous day. We had one of those good days we used to have all of the time. Crusifer, for perhaps the first time, took what I said about what I want literally, and I actually acted upon it. He made me bath water, lit candles in the bathroom, made me tea, and then got me up, and dragged me down the stairs in my robe and brought me into the bathroom. He finally did something akin to being romantic.
Not that romance is really necessary for a relationship, but it can certainly help balance out some arguments and help set a day on the right foot. And we certainly started Sunday on the right foot. We then proceeded to clean. We changed the sheets, pillow cases and blankets. We straightened up our personal items. We swept the floor behind the bed and around. We swept the stairs, tore up the carpet covering half the stairs and tossed it out. We painted half the steps and took out the screws that had been holding the carpet down.
I say ‘we’ did each one of those things not because as an individual we completed around half of the task, but because for each one of those tasks we were there for each other, helping each other in moral support if not physically. That’s how I believe it should be.
Then while he played video games over where the desktop computers used to be I sat over here and wrote. We did this peacefully, understanding that I needed silence and he wanted his game. After a while he got lonely and laid next to me on the bed reading his book. After we cuddled and read for while we ended up making love. It was by far the best sex we’ve had in over a month. I told him so, too.
We cuddled some more. We talked tons of episodes of Full Metal Alchemist. He napped for a short while. We made chicken and rice. We stayed up into the late ours of the night talking. Not arguing, but sometimes disagreeing.
We came to the conclusion that he doesn’t have a split personality or an anger problem. He has a duel mentality. That mentality is part of him, but it’s also bringing his overall person down. He knows this, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Part of the issue is that he’s still attached to that mentality. He developed it during his depression after Brianna left him. I understand the psychology behind it.
I told him about how I was going to leave Thanksgiving day after he pushed me. About how I promised myself I’d leave if he ever touched me in a violent way again. I let him know we were only still together because of my mom. He was hurt, but he didn’t react violently. He didn’t even retreat. He still let me kiss him, and then eventually, kissed me back.
I felt loved yesterday. I can’t say it brought me back to being in love with him. No, that would take a lot more than one day. I told him that as well. I said, “I’ll admit I don’t feel as I did before... But I do still want this to work.” I thought it would probably be to harsh to say the classic, “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you,” and besides, that’s a slightly different message. The key part of my statement was that despite how I feel, I still want things to work out.
For a while I wasn’t sure if that’s still what I wanted or not. Of course, what I really want is the best for both of us either way. If it’s not the best for both of us to be together and to work things out, then I want us to separate as best as possible. At this point, I feel like I have closure, like he could be gone tomorrow and I’d nod my head in acquiescence and move on. I love the time we spent together. It’s wasn’t more than half bad really. I’ll cherish those memories either way.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 6:52pm

AOL says Matt wrote this to me four hours ago:

No crying, this e-mail should be encouraging so if it leaves you feeling otherwise, talk to me... Don't share this before I do. That is to say, I’m going to have similar conversations with a number of people (Ashley is one of them), and I would prefer that I got to be the one to explain myself in each situation before you go confide in your confidant.

[Quote from Phoenix’s Blog]

...it's just not the same... I can't say the same things to Matt at all. I can't feel that sense of belonging with them. I feel like an awkward fourth wheel, as if their car only has three. I understand the whole thing about always being honest, but at this point it just feels like Matt is endlessly making fun of me.
I think I made an ass of myself today. I talked too much. When they were silent, I talked, and no one commented. When they talked, no one ever heard or paid attention to what I was saying. I felt like an ass, let's put it that way. Sure, they'll accept my company. Ashley will pick me up. Matt will speak to me and sometimes comment on things I say... It's more than I’ve had with "friends" before, but... It's no replacement.

[End Quote]

I don't know for sure if this was the day we went to the water or not, but it looks like it and I’m going to respond as if it was anyways.
When it was just you, Ash, and I, you were being really dense. Alex does the same thing all the time. People who aren't used to it always seem to have trouble entering a reflective introversive state in social situations, because that’s typically a personal thing that they usually convince themselves is stupid to engage in, in the first place. I don't know how much of that applied to you in that instance, but you showed the same symptoms of someone as I’ve described.
Not gonna lie here, originally I was just going to hang out with Ash. Over the thanksgiving break, drama had occurred that needed addressing, and we were going to have a stress down day. As soon as you called it wasn't even a question to me though, you were coming and I was going to make an effort to see that you did. Its conflicting. I don't know why I can flip like that. First I’m supposed to have another philosophical conversation with Ash, and then suddenly, I need to make sure Atara gets to escape for a while.
It might be because I assume that Ashley's strong enough to get past whatever is going on in her life without making some stupid mistake or getting truly bent up about it, but that’s not even true. She suffers a lot. See? Like I said, I really don't know.
You were acting really dense... Did you really think I was going to respond when you asked me about my glasses? I was in heaven there. I could have died at anytime and been totally at peace with it. Granted, I feel that way all the time, but it was more evident then.
Why is meaningful conversation, audible or otherwise, impossible with a third person? Fuck that. I think I might've wanted to appease both sides: to get Atara outside for a while, and let Ashley know that there are people out there who are willing to be human. Either way, by the time we hit the peace bridge, I'd forgotten about it. By that time I was totally within myself. I didn't care about either of you. I was "perfectly alone" again.
As we got closer to the car though, I knew it couldn't last, I was going to die so I had to keep on living, so I felt I had to share some of my experiences with you two. You were only the outsider there, "an ass" as you put it, because you weren't able to be social and silent at the same time. That’s how I see it at least.
Other people must find it strange... I don't know if Ashley has the same feeling, but I'd be surprised if she didn't. When for instance we're in the car going to wherever, we might say absolutely nothing, but we're being social. I can sit on the bus next to tens of people a day and not say anything and there is no connection, but I can also just be in the same room as someone and seem to completely ignore their existence, but when we say nothing, it feels like we're saying so much more than when we use words.
Often using word just feels like failed explorations. As if its some new method of communicating that we aren't very good at yet. The point is, you can be extroversively introversive, and that’s what I’m trying to instill in people when I ask them to hang out. I don't want superficial bullshit, this social courtship that everyone goes through with each other because they don't want to offend, to drive each other away. That’s what I mean when I say you shouldn't care about what I think.
I’ve told you that you can't embarrass yourself to me. There is almost nothing you can do that will drive me away, so be yourself. Its sounds like some reading rainbow refrain but its how I feel. Don't be a phony fool. Don't feel a need to entertain me or anyone else, to be the life of the party or even have anything to offer the group. All that I want is an open mind, another person who won't hold anything back because of a difference of opinion, who won't be totally offended when I disagree. It doesn't sicken me that you believe in something I think is total bullshit. What makes me have reservations is when you feel embarrassed because I refuse to censor myself.
Don't censor yourself, that’s just another form of closing yourself off, your true self and your own natural opinions. I’m not going to be slave to the social system. I like to think that’s why I have appeal. I’m not just willing to say the things no one else will, I actually do say them consistently and with confidence. If I met myself, I think I would love to have met someone who was willing to be themselves and not some appeaser; someone who, rather than looking for acceptance like the rest, just advertises who he is, gives the finger to everyone who doesn't approve and welcomes in anyone who does.
That’s the only way I know to find true friends. You can't create them, because people aren't who you want them to be. You can't turn yourself into someone you're not to be accepted because that’s not who you are and it will only break you in the process. I think I’m capable of being anyone's true friend actually. What I try to advertise is the brutal honesty I talked about however many months ago. I want to hang out with people who are willing to be honest. That much should be obvious from my relationship with you.
There isn't much we agree on. Art is the only thing remotely similar in us, and our art isn't very similar as it is. I don't judge you on such a mundane characteristics, I want the center of your humanity, your "soul." On that level, I think we're all compatible, its just that people are unwilling to be themselves for fear of alienation.
I don't know if you consciously do this, or if you're going to respond by saying that you don't do it and I must be misinterpreting something, but as far as I’m concerned you do this. You have that fear of alienation. You've admitted it to me. Paradoxically, I think the only thing that could really drive me away from you is your refusal to overcome that fear. So far I have no intention of leaving your life. It sounds strange, but, take me for granted. You don't have to work for this, but working for it could make you lose it. And no, overcoming that fear is not a free ticket into my pants so cut that shit out :P
And remember, if anyone is the forth wheel, its Alex, and I invite him just the same... Besides, this train's got more than one car. We can have as many wheels as are willing to spin. -Matt

And that’s all he wrote folks. Oh wait, yeah, and here is the part where I write stuff:

Matt,
First and foremost; It’s Fri-End. I think of it as some silly joke about frying the ends of people when you spell friend. That’s how I remember it. Now you have no excuse to forget. Okay, so that was first, and not at all foremost.
Yes, it was the day that we went down to the water and then to the café, and cardshop.
I get the whole ‘reflective introversive,’ in fact, I was trying to explain that to Crusifer last night. We ended up calling it the ‘atmosphere.’ In other words, I was trying to explain to him what I felt I’d been learning from you, and I couldn’t seem to find the words for it. I said something along the lines of;
“Something about being somewhere else... The new smells, the appearance of the sky... It’s not something I would have got as a kid at all; would have gone right over my head. But something about the experience itself...”
“You mean, you like having friends,” Crusifer interjected.
“No, it’s not the people, but the places too. Like, it could have a similar effect if I was all by myself, but it would be different...”
“Now you’re changing what you’re saying,” he interjected again.
“No, I mean, it’s just that getting out of the house once a week or so and just being outdoors or in a new place, and feeling that sensation of existing...”
“You like going out, I get it,” he said.
“It’s not that. I don’t like going out, or I never did. Or rather, I hate going out when there is a TV involved, or when there is superficial conversation, or when people are smoking cigarettes. I don’t want to see people getting fucked up. I don’t want to listen to stupid gossiping. I don’t want to be in some person’s house as some stupid gathering of people talks about their pets and their coworkers, and how fucked up they got last weekend. Going out has always been bad in the past. I learned from experience that staying in is better. But now, Matt has shown me something different... Walking down the street with a cup of hot tea in your hand when it’s cold; going to the beach in winter, being a part of nature in companionable silence... It’s altogether different.”
“The atmosphere.”
“Exactly, it’s just a great atmosphere. Something I can use in my writing. Something I can look back on when I need to calm down. Something I can remember to use for inspiration for a drawing, poem or scene in my novel. These experiences are actually useful, even though they seem so trivial.”
I didn’t expect it to take so long to record that, but then I realized that his interjections were relevant to the development of the thought. However, being reflective and introversive also fits the bill.
Yeah, I get that. I get it completely. However, I also feel like attempting to have three-way conversations is... Imperative for some reason. I was desperate to break the two-way exchanges, and I can’t say it’s not because I’m afraid of being alienated, but I’d like to think it couldn’t be summed up so easily.
I’ve never had anyone aside from the current boyfriend and my parents. Sure, there are people, but you know very well how people being around doesn’t mean anything if you never establish a certain level of connection.
When I asked you about your glasses it was because I couldn’t really tell from my angle, and I was curious if you had taken them off because of what I said before about not having them until just a couple years ago. I thought that would make an interesting topic of debate, but when you didn’t respond, it just added to my feeling lost.
I told this to Crusifer, though I never wrote it anywhere. It seemed to me that the entire day, whenever you spoke you turned in Ashley’s direction. And obviously sound travels in the direction you speak in, so I found it difficult to hear anything you said, and therefor could not respond to any of it. Perhaps it wasn’t intentional, but either way, subconscious or conscious, you weren’t directly any conversation in my direction and well, what am I supposed to think?
I like a bit of silence, I do, but I spend so much time silently within myself that I’m bursting with things to say by the time I see people again. I crave connections with people, I do. I do fear being alienated, though only by people I grow a liking for. After all, I’m alienated from most of the people who regularly attend the cardshop. While I might feel a twinge of dissatisfaction with that from time to time, at the end of that day I don’t care about what those people think because I don’t know them well enough to respect their opinions.
Now that I know you well enough to care about what you think, trying to attain your acceptance is a part of my motive in my actions. I’m so used to everyone discarding me after a time, so I’ve gone to all sorts of lengths to prevent that with people I’ve grown to care about in the last year. I’ve really opened up with little hope rested on anything being returned.
I’m not sure if I went over the deep end on the instant message with Ashley or not, but I did make sure that it was clear that I wanted to be her friend. Not just a friend of a friend. And I suppose I outright promised to be a good one. I’ve never done that before.
“Often using word just feels like failed explorations.” Often, it may be so. I only feel like my words are failed explorations when I’m uncomfortable with the conversation or the person I’m having it with. I suppose I feel differently about board games than you do, because I feel like a board game is never a failed exploration. I prefer it to silence and to most conversations. Playing a game is a friendly way to see just how clever everyone is. Teaching a board game tests my ability to be understood. Learning a board game tests your ability to understand. Playing the game well tests your deductive abilities as well as your ability to think on your toes. Observing the other players presents all sorts of opportunities for discoveries.
“I don't want superficial bullshit, this social courtship that everyone goes through with each other because they don't want to offend, to drive each other away.” I don’t want superficial bullshit either, but at the same time, I don’t want to drive away perfectly good people just by saying or doing something that didn’t have to be said or done. You may be an exception, but most people, obviously, are not.
If I didn’t censor anything I said I’d be a complete laughing stock and you know it. I cut out half the things I’m inclined to say when I speak almost all of the time. Imagine how much more I would talk if I said everything I felt like saying. Of course, now I’m just saying that being myself involves censorship, which means that not censoring would not be being myself. Or I might be saying that I’m so used to censoring myself that I’m afraid if I don’t I’m going to be a blabbering idiot. Either way, talking less seems to always be a good idea in my case.
If I met myself I’d be similarly pleased. I do like myself in that sense. If there were two of me, we’d be nuts about each other. We’d probably get married, seriously. A companion, a person to bounce my ideas off of, someone who wouldn’t be offended by crazy ideas, sick jokes, and graphic imagery of insane thoughts. Someone who’d want to cuddle all the time and wouldn’t feel silly in public. Someone who’d enjoy dressing up in crazy outfits. If there were two of me one of us would probably cut their hair really short and spike it up and get an ear ring or two just so that at least one of us could look as rebel as we feel.
What a narcissistic fantasy I have going there. I do strive to be the perfect girlfriend in my own opinion, so I guess I’m doing well considering I can fantasize about dating myself. I like my mannerisms, level of consideration, body, stream of conversation and activities quite well. Anyway, that was a total side thought...
In reference to everyone being compatible on a soul level, that’s exactly what Mort said; that marriage counselor guy I make reference to when I’m speaking on how people should behave in a loving relationship. He said that if you’re not connected with someone’s soul then you’re going to break up, if not now, then eventually. All characteristics are always in flux, but the part of us who is the same observer watching those characteristics change, is always the same observer. The person who is the I in the statement: “I am not who I was,” is always the same, and if you can connect with someone’s observer, then you don’t ever have to ‘breakup.’
I like your conclusion. As many wheels as are willing to spin. I’ve always wished for a large group of awesome people who wanted to do everything and anything together. I sort of pushed that thought aside back when I realized how much people sucked. I replaced that dream with children and marriage I guess.
You aspire to having a perfectly honest and open relationship with everyone, whereas I couldn’t find it with anyone, so I aspire to having it with one person. Not just in any one area, but in every area of everything. Being perfectly at peace with everything the other has to say, and feeling completely open to say anything you like, or be silent, or to do any wild thing that comes to mind. I’d feel complete if I could have that one person I could dance and sing with and not feel silly. If I could speak my mind and have my thoughts welcomed, and make suggestions and have them taken as brilliant ideas, because of course I’d do the same for them...
I can agree with your logic. I can follow it without a problem. I just think that there are some areas in which there is a deeper truth, one which I can’t express to you in any number of words. While nothing matters at all, everything tiny action matters immensely. While humans are silly shallow beings, we are also each vast within ourselves. You get that, and yet you take the ‘everything doesn’t mean anything’ approach more often than I can understand or credit. Am I barking up the wrong tree here or do you know what I’m talking about?
While keeping perfect control is honorable, respectful and logical, it’s also ridiculous, nearly impossible, and borderline paranoid. It seems to me to be self-defeating, and it also seems in opposition to many of your other ‘mantras.’ For example, you like spraying the paint on the paper with a stick. There is hardly any control at all in that. You said so yourself, about how art wasn’t controllable, so why try to control it? Emotions aren’t controllable any more than art is, that’s for sure. They may be restrainable, like art. They may be containable, like art.
Hm, no that’s not it either. A good point, but not the point I’m trying to make. It’ll come to me eventually, but not today I guess.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 7:57pm

Mom writes: “I get no support from my parents or from Crusifer or from anybody. Nobody is interested in the things I do. Nobody is just waiting to see my next artwork. Nobody is waking up bright and early just to read my blog posts every morning. Nobody is just rushing to get home from work to write me a letter. Nobody is calling me on the phone asking me how my novel is coming. Nobody is asking me if I need help with anything. Nobody asks me how my day went. Nobody remarks that my room is dirty or that I need a shower. Nobody asks me if I've been working on my board game lately. Nobody asks me if I've had another one of my crazy ideas. Noone asks about my utopian creation; D.D.P. Nobody supports me in anything I do.”

Oh I hear you on that! And I know it's true. And I wish I could do better about it.
You need to think, though, about the fact that few people get this. They used to say, "Behind every successful man is a good woman." Because that was a woman's job - building up her man, cheering his successes. Didn't matter, of course, if no one did it for her!
But few people actually get that anymore, male or female. Including me.
You have to learn to do all you can, be all you can, without the cheering squad. Because no matter who you end up with, they are not going to give you the encouragement you crave.

“My education was so important to mom... To both of them. Dad always wanted to teach me something too. There was always so much to learn. Where did it go?”

Mostly just simply that you aren't a child anymore. What you do now is up to you. And I am so overwhelmed, I can barely keep myself afloat. Do you know that I'm seldom even brushing my teeth? Because it's one thing I can skip. One tiny place where I can control how I spend my time. If *I* wanted to learn Japanese, it would probably be different, but I don't. I *hate* languages, except in a vague way. Probably simply because I'm not good at them.
I want to tell you what Daddy said last night. He asked me when he had ever made fun of your learning Japanese, and I said I didn't remember but that he had been dismissive of everything you try to do lately. I told him that you felt that he didn't love you anymore, and that you had been avoiding him. He was very surprised, but of course, as anytime the subject is his feelings, he didn't say anything.
OMG! This is really great! And not the least bit cheesy!:

“There are two types of manipulation... (Fine, this is cheesy then too.) One type is a cruel play on psychology. The other is romance. Crusifer always thinks I'm trying to manipulate him. When I'm just doing things out of love. I told him if he thought I was manipulating him then he should do the same back. I said I wanted to be manipulated. He said I was crazy and a liar. I realize now, that being romantic is just manipulating the other person into deeper feelings based on what you know about them. I love it.”

Now THAT is the kind of thing that, worked into a book, gives you a reputation as a great writer.
Oh, and one more thing. MEN REALLY DO CONSIDER AN ORGASM AS THE ULTIMATE, MOST IMPORTANT EXPERIENCE! That's why they can't comprehend that women don't feel the same about it. Everything they think and do is related to it. Studies show that men think about having sex at least once every 15 minutes.
Did I tell you this? Perhaps you don't recall that Camille, who you met at the door the other day, is a male-to-female transsexual. She told me once what a tremendous relief it is not to be the slave of testosterone, to be thinking about sex all the time.

And that’s all she wrote... So then I had to write stuff.

I take this as my mom being mom. She’s so down on the world because after all, what did the world give her? An unappreciating husband and a collection of unappreciating people. Yeah, so that’s not a word; bite me.
I think that it’s not about males and females but about shallow people. Perhaps that’s why Matt rocks. He’s genuinely not shallow in any way. Most of us are, at least in some ways, if not in most ways.
On the note of sex; god it’s magical, but boy does it suck.

Monday, December, 8th 2008 at 8:34pm
Decode

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
You wont take away my pride
No not this time; Not this time

How did we get here? I use to know you so well
How did we get here? Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode)

Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

I think I know...
There is something...
I see in you
It might kill me...
I want it to be true